It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like F*ck This: A Humorous Holiday Anthology
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About this ebook
"If you're looking for something tart to cut the holiday sweetness, Shaffer offers a naughty little treat." -- The Gazette
"It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like F*ck This" is an off-beat collection of Christmas parodies, essays, poems, and cartoons by New York Times bestselling humorist Andrew Shaffer.
Previously published as "The Shelf on the Elf," this newly-expanded holiday cult classic has it all: holiday pickles, regret, talking lambs, and knife-wielding maniacs.
Andrew Shaffer
Andrew Shaffer is the author of Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love and, under the pen name Fanny Merkin, Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. His writing has appeared in such diverse publications as Mental Floss and Maxim. An Iowa native, Shaffer lives in Lexington, Kentucky, a magical land of horses and bourbon.
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It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like F*ck This - Andrew Shaffer
If you’re looking for something tart to cut the holiday sweetness, Shaffer offers a naughty little treat.
— The Gazette
It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like F*ck This is an off-beat collection of Christmas parodies, essays, poems, and cartoons by New York Times bestselling humorist Andrew Shaffer.
Previously published as The Shelf on the Elf, this newly-expanded holiday cult classic has it all: holiday pickles, talking lambs, and knife-wielding maniacs.
Praise for Andrew Shaffer
Always funny.
— LitReactor
"The literary equivalent of a good Saturday Night Live skit." — The Hollywood Reporter on Fifty Shames of Earl Grey
Witty... Clever...
— USA Today
CONTENTS
It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like F*ck This
The True Meaning of Christmas
The Christmas Snitch
Regret
Law & Order: A Very Special Christmas Episode
Frontline In the War on Christmas
Do You Hear What I Hear?
The World Is Going to Shit
Hiding the Holiday Pickle
An Earl Grey Christmas
Some Good News and Bad News About Santa
Hunting Season
A Terrible Joke Only ‘90s Kids Will Get
The Murders Across the Street from the Rue Whorehouse: A Christmas Story
Some Thoughts for a Bleak Midwinter Night
About the Author
Acknowledgments
Also By Andrew Shaffer
THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS
THE CHRISTMAS SNITCH
Have you ever wondered how Santa Claus knows
if you’re naughty or nice every year when it snows?
Since olden days, it’s been a closely-kept secret.
I’ll tell you the truth, so long as you don’t leak it.
Every December, Santa sends me your way
to watch everything that you do and you say.
My orders come from the jolly fat man himself.
I’m his eyes and his ears, a little old elf.
When I arrive you must give me a name,
something like Fanny or Merkin or Zane.
Girl names and boy names, whatever you choose.
My gender is fluid—any name will do!
Every night when you’re tucked in and asleep,
I’ll fly to the North Pole with one magic leap.
While you’re snoring away at home in your bed,
I’ll tell Santa everything you’ve done and you’ve said.
If you’ve broken even one little rule
(like not washing your hands after using the stool),
on Santa’s naughty list your name shall be writ,
and this year for Christmas coal is all ye shall get.
I’ll be back in your house before the sun is risen,
and at first you may think that I’ve gone missin’.
That’s because I won’t be where I was yesterday,
I’m somewhere new in your home, hidden away…
I could be in the kitchen or bathroom or den,
or on an exercise bike watching CNN.
I could be in the fridge or the oven—who knows!
When it comes to hiding spaces, anything goes.
Oh look, you’ve found me—that was quick.
You’re a clever one, so full of tricks!
You have something to show me, you say?
You want me to get on my knees and pray?
I don’t understand, this isn’t much fun.
That thing in your hands…is that a gu—
REGRET
Last Christmas, I