Saying Goodbye: A Biblical Worldview Of Death, Disease, And Disappointment

phil@newmanifest.com

Introduction

First, a word to my pastor-chaplain reader:

You are, many times, the spiritual first responder when death, disease, and disappointment touch our lives. You are the one to who so many look when the phone rings—with the emergency room on the other end of the line. It is you, standing as shepherd, when a diagnosis is voiced, when tears flow, when anger or bitterness begin to sprout. As one of the first responders, and as one who walks the lengthy pathway of the infirm and disappointed, your role is significant.

As any lay person would be uncomfortable in the role of church shepherd, you may be anxious and uncomfortable, too, in the healthcare setting. Saying Goodbye is written to help—to share insight … to offer word pictures … and to allow these twenty-four spiritual markers to be a basis for discussion, deliberation, and your kind, quiet, reflective counsel.

To my healthcare colleagues:

Saying Goodbye is an educational tool which blends the familiar healthcare challenges we face each day with biblical truth, arriving at a point of practical theology. The clinical information is general, written primarily for our patients and their families. Any basic anatomy and physiology book, or online search, will produce multiple sources affirming the clinical knowledge published within these pages.

The more focused purpose of Saying Goodbye is to help and encourage those we serve to make wise advance decisions, and resolve disappointments without anger and bitterness. In the rush of our days, may we be reminded, with empathy, of the emotional pain that death, disease, and disappointment brings. May He remind us that we are tools in His mighty right hand.

To the individual or family in crisis, as a result of death, disease, or great disappointment:

Saying Goodbye is written to be both instructional and encouraging. In times of crises, we covet peace, and question why this untimely event has befallen us, praying for the soon return of normality. I pray the biblical truth found in the spiritual markers will provide peace, and effectively address the question most often asked when trials arise: Why? My prayer is that as you read these pages, the Lord will give to you the ability to do in the spirit what you cannot do in the flesh, that you will make decisions utilizing biblical truth and wise counsel, and that you will be reminded that our God is both sovereign and able.

And finally, to any and all who seek biblical wisdom on this subject:

Thank you for joining me on this journey to discover the truth of God’s word for the health challenges that each of us must inevitably face in life. I am convinced beyond any doubt that He is faithful to reveal His truth to us with loving, gracious care as we draw near to Him with open minds and hearts to receive it.

Jim Henson, MS, MSN, RN

Chapter One:

Understanding Goodbye

Your Word is Truth.

John 17:17

ne might ask, Why write about saying goodbye? It seems, after observing human nature in the clinical setting, in our churches and social circles, that saying goodbye without anger or bitterness toward God and others is a significant spiritual challenge.

Our English language has many words with varied intensity of meaning. One example is the word love. The child who says to his grandmother, I love homemade chocolate-chip cookies! does not have the same emotional intent as the teen who perceives she has found her life’s love; similarly, that teen’s intensity of love is not as great as the husband who, after sixty years of marriage, still professes devotion to his bride. However, even that significant display of love does not equate to Jesus, the Christ, who loved his Father enough to give up His place in Heaven, offering Himself as a sacrifice for the sins of humankind. Love, then, spans a significant continuum of intensity, and each example seems to require additional explanatory words.

Goodbye, too, holds a continuum of emotion when spoken, heard, or perceived in silence. Synonyms of this word may have a casual meaning. The one who says, Bye! Later! or So long! is not attempting to express the deeper emotion of the more final Goodbye. Saying Goodbye grasps the potential permanence felt within this solitary word. Most times we are unprepared to say the word when an unexpected situation arises during routine life events. Our emotions cause us to form opinions about the continuation of future life events. We presume upon the emotional future. We assume life and health will linger, relationships will progress, and love will endure. We assume we will return from work, school, and recreational events to similar, familiar surroundings. We believe people and things most important to us will remain so.

It seems that, as Christians, we are spiritually unprepared to say goodbye to people and things without anger or bitterness directed at God. Life events cause us to say and feel this word, ofttimes prematurely, and to continually challenge our spiritual understanding of our relationship with God. The people around us act unexpectedly, and the trust we place in those relationships erodes. The political and social world in which we live causes us to reflect on days gone by, and question if the future will be as prosperous as the past.

A young adult cannot understand the emotional pain that surfaces when she whispers goodbye to her perceived life’s soulmate, as he walks to the right hand of another.

We experience sadness in our spiritual man when we learn of a couple, wedded with covenantal vows years earlier, now saying goodbye. The children of the union are forced into a shared conflict not their own, allegiances now fragmented emotionally and possibly geographically.

Sometimes our spiritual foundation proves weak, or develops visible cracks, when we read of a despondent teen—depressed, ridiculed by peers, alone—who points a revolver to his head, ending his life. His note left behind says the word.

Another, emotionally weak and unable to understand life’s potential without a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, steps from a chair, a rope secured to a beam above.

We wince at the one who ingests poison or swallows an overdose of prescription medication, leaving behind familial memories and painful words to the survivors. They put an end to their life on earth without a goodbye.

Medical tests confirm the weakness of our genetic code. A chronic disease is diagnosed and we say goodbye to a lifestyle once presumed. An accident at work, a swimming dive gone badly on a hot summer afternoon, an overturned four-wheeler, an auto accident on the way to a routine job on a routine day — any of these may leave us physically changed, adapting to a new lifestyle, saying goodbye to expectations and dreams.

The nursery has been painted. Wallpaper border is hung, the crib adorned. Toys and clothes have been purchased, baby showers given. Fresh, new diapers hang from a rack nearby. A couple’s long-awaited dream is finally here! They whisper, Hello! Then, as if some inhumane drama has been forced upon them, they tearfully whisper, Goodbye, in nearly the same breath. A birth anomaly touches their lives—forever.

We applaud the employee who stands with pride, joy, and fulfillment to receive his golden pocket watch or other emblem of retirement and then says goodbye to a previous life. Subsequent references to his work will be, I was the … or I used to be…

We question the love of the Father in our lives when, on a Friday afternoon, the boss tells a subordinate, with final paycheck in hand, that he must leave; he is no longer needed. This goodbye could mean the perceived destruction of a career or the significant refocus of a life. A spiritual question mark prevails.

Sometimes the word is spoken. Other times it is only a human feeling, a deep emotion in the heart. Parents are known to sacrifice personal time watching their children’s baseball, football, track, and other events. They pour money into these and other activities and necessities, investing fully in a child’s life. They decline corporate promotions for the stability of the family. Milestones are observed and reflected upon during the life of the child. At these milestones, the word goodbye is not spoken. Yet, as a tassel turns and another high school graduation concludes, the emotion of the word strikes like lightning in the heart of the parent.

The father who stands with his beloved daughter on her wedding day, looking into her eyes before turning to walk arm in arm, feels without a word spoken the presence of a bittersweet farewell.

The mother who reaches to embrace the six-foot, two-inch marine recruit, standing at attention in dress blues, feels the word, as she remembers the first Hello eighteen years earlier. A silent tear falls down her cheek, as she wipes it away, unnoticed.

The car is finally loaded and the sun sets early on a Saturday afternoon. Grandma and Grandpa kneel to hold a grandchild. The little one, wide-eyed with excitement over the impending move, feels neither the additional seconds of embrace, nor the tear wiped away. Nana and Papa, though, feel the presence and permanence of this word.

As a young father recognizes his financial and spiritual responsibility to his wife and newborn child, he gives the keys of a boat, motorcycle, or other possession with one hand, and receives needed cash with the other. The sale is final, and so is the emotion of the moment.

The human experience does not always allow a final goodbye to be spoken. We presume upon life’s continuation, our good health, our return home, and the emotional stability of love and peace found inside those walls. When our vocational expectations go unmet, when family plans suddenly shift, or when the one we love can no longer hear the words of our voice or our heart, we ofttimes wish to question, Why?

Before we attempt to understand why an uncompromised life does not continue for a loved one, or why death seems to arrive prematurely, or why future dreams and plans fade away unexpectedly, we need to begin with a biblical worldview of adversity. We must read the early chapters of Genesis, and other passages, to establish a plumb line by which we can effectively evaluate our human experiences. We must view the truth about our circumstances through a scriptural lens. Adversity can only be understood using the measuring stick of God’s Word. Understanding our circumstances—without regret, without bitterness, and without the effects of emotional pain—is one of the significant challenges of the Christian life. Saying Goodbye is written for those on the cutting edge of this challenge: for pastors, chaplains, and Bible teachers who courageously pray for peace in days of crisis; for my healthcare colleagues, often reminded they are but a tool in the Hand of the Great Physician; and for families who stand in solidarity, eyes swimming in tears, voicing prayers and petitions for heart’s ease and inner healing.

May we learn to do in the Spirit what we cannot do in the flesh—to say Goodbye without anger, and without bitterness.

Selah

The development of a biblical worldview concerning difficult life circumstances, without regret, anger, or bitterness, is a challenge of the Christian experience.

What Is Selah?

A musical notation or instructional word found in Psalms, calling for a moment of pause or reflection. It is understood to mean that the reader should stop, deeply contemplate, and ponder the statement.

My Personal Selah Moment:

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Questions for Individual Study and Group Discussion

1. Goodbye holds a continuum of emotion when spoken, heard, or perceived in silence. Think back to a time when you’ve had to say goodbye to a loved one, a relationship, a job, or perhaps a cherished possession. What emotions did you experience? What thoughts accompanied those feelings?

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2. Why do you think facing loss and saying goodbye is so difficult for us?

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3. What difference do you think it makes to say goodbye in the power of the Spirit (through the spiritual lens of God’s truth) vs. in the flesh (through the lens of our human thinking and understanding)?

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4. The development of a biblical worldview concerning difficult life circumstances, without regret, anger, or bitterness, is a challenge of the Christian experience. Are you open to allowing a biblical worldview to be the plumb line by which you evaluate the most painful life circumstances, including goodbyes? If so, what are one or two ways you hope to grow in this understanding as you read this book?

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5. Did any other insights, thoughts, or questions stand out as you read this chapter?

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Chapter Two:

The First Goodbye

So He drove out the man; and He placed

cherubim at the east of the Garden of Eden,

and a flaming sword which turned every

way, to guard the way to the tree of life.

¹

ardening is a spring and summer pastime of many people. For me, it is a hobby, a diversion from the fast pace of the modern healthcare delivery system. My family does not need to preserve vegetables and fruits in jars for winter consumption, but it seems we always manage to finish off the several dozen jars of applesauce, green beans, or corn in the pantry each year.

One year, I grew corn as tall as my head. It was just starting to tassel with small cobs of future corn inside a well-nourished shuck. The rain that spring and early summer had been plentiful, but it seemed it was to be another hot, Alabama day. The weather report was for rain on Tuesday, then Wednesday, but none came. The weekend proved dry as well, followed by some twenty-one straight days without rain and temperatures in the upper 90s.

Each evening after work, I went to my small corn patch, planted between apple tree saplings, and watched as the previously green stalks began to fade from heat and lack of rain. Another day passed and the silk was now brown. The long-anticipated sweet corn was ruined by summer drought.

That fall, I spent several hundred dollars on a water pump, PVC pipe, and sprinkler heads to transfer water from a nearby pond to my garden spot. It didn’t matter that this pushed the cost-of-doing-business expense significantly over the grocery store cost of canned vegetables. The challenge was simple before me: Could a successful garden be raised in the central Alabama summer?

The next spring we had thousands of gallons of