Great Jokes and Anecdotes for Grandpa to Tell

GREAT JOKES AND ANECDOTES FOR GRANDPA TO TELL

A Book in the Take Me to the Toilet Series

By

Christopher J. Bruce

PUBLISHED BY:

Christopher J. Bruce

Great Jokes and Anecdotes for Grandpa to Tell is Copyright © 2013 by Christopher J. Bruce

WARNING

GREAT JOKES AND ANECDOTES FOR GRANDPA TO TELL IS FOR ADULT READERS WITHOUT FIREBRAND RELIGIOUS, POLITICAL, RACIAL OR SOCIAL VIEWS BUT WHO DO APPRECIATE SLIGHTLY OFF COLOR BAWDY OR SMUTTY HUMOR.

CONTENTS

KEEP IN TOUCH WITH TOILET TALES

FOREWORD

The Land that Made Me Me

A Hot Relationship

A Viagra Alternative

A Snotty Receptionist

A Posterior Disease

A Shaky Asset

A Wild Old Bird

A Yearly Dementia Test; Only 4 Questions

Abdullah’s Title

Aged Fun

Aids Warning for Senior Citizens

All That Glitters

Annie and Her Gun

An Ulterior Motive

The Death of a Private Part

Never Too Old to Learn

Buttoned

As the Bells Struck

Baby's First Doctor Visit

Bad news for many of us

Chocolate

The Difference between Grandmother and Grandfather

Double Benefit Missed

Ear Infection

Estate Planning

Exercise for People Over 40

Fly Now Pay Later

For the Golden Oldies

Forgotten Assets

Grandma’s Strudel

Family Ties

The Golden Years for Those Florida Drivers Choices

Romance

Great Truths about Growing Old

Older and Wiser

The Signs of Maturity

The New Generation

The Sharing Couple

Forgetful

Golfing Geriatrics

First Time Football

Skinny Dipping

Physical Check Up

Gaining Strength

The Importance of Walking

When Grandma goes to Court

Growing Wild

Saved not Squandered

Two Strokes

Secret Alternative

A Prescribed Codicil

An Element of Truth

The Last Rite

The Truth and Nothing But

Name Dropping

Delegation of Responsibility

Audio Assisted Search

Conned

Preventive Medicine

Sex with an Older Man

The Older Woman

Getting Screwed

Prostate Exam

Alzheimer’s Eye Test

When I Say I’m Broke!

Geriatric Caddy

Getting Police Attention in Your Old Age

Giving Up Sex

Hairy Search

Harold’s Shaker

Hazardous Diet

Places I’ve Been

If My Body Was a Car

It's Hell to be Old!

First Day of Employment after Retirement

Not All Seniors Are Senile

Observations on Growing Older

Old Age Perks

Old Cemeteries

Old Timers Sex

One Last Fling

Princely Frog

Samples Simplified

Scottish Golfer

Sex and Good Grammar

Shave and Haircut

Shopping for the Dog

Raising the Dead

Applause for a Senior Moment 1

Applause for a Senior Moment 2

Old Pet Chuck

Poodle Experience

Hazardous Diet

All Seniors Aren't Senile

My Favourite Things

The Age Gap

Being Healed

Alternative Use for Viagra

Old Friends

GPS Required

Spiked Peacock

A Letter to the Bank

Proverbs for the Aged

Old Age Perks

New definition for S.O.S

Subject: $20

Sucking Lifesavers

Random Memory

Who’s Driving?

Restaurant Remembered

The Unregulated Wife

An Ulterior Motive for Marriage

Not Hearsay

A Hot Prescription

No Split Banana

U-turn on the Interstate

FA Cup Final Tickets

The Knob

An Unrepeatable Prescription

An Operational Consequence

Aging

The Patience of a Grandfather

The Spoiled Under 30 Crowd

The Tetanus Shot

Three Old Men Are Discussing Their Sex Lives

Perjured Pride

Too Old to Squat

We Was Brung Up Proper!

The Class of 75

A Measure of Age

You Could Have Heard a Pin Drop

A Loving Couple

Battery Failure

A Matter of Priority

Advice from a Chinese Doctor

Grandma's Boyfriend

Perfumed Posterior

If You Don't Laugh at This One, You’re Dead!

Helping Himself to the Hired Help

The Car Keys

Importance of Having an Occupation after Retirement

Grandpa’s Bet

The urine sample

The Wooden Ball

Aged Observation

Gadget Inundation

Where’s My Sunday Paper?

Why We Love Our Senior Citizens

The Outhouse

When You’re Over Fifty Who Gives a Damn?

Menopause

A Disease for Posterity

Man's 3 Rules for Getting Old

Asking Too Much

Niagara or Viagra

Face Lift

Off the Mark

Sex Aid

Epitaph

A Feel at Any Price

Pooh Proof

Grandma’s Hairspray

The Old Man and the Beaver

Senior Citizens Bus Trip

Dried Arrangement

Shoulda Bought a Hat

Curious Cold Cure

An Occasional Piece

Short Term Memory Loss

Granny’s Condoms

One Last Fling

Whatcha Looking At?

Autosexual

One Liners for the Elderly

Senility Prayer

Well Earned Wisdom

Older and Wiser

The Signs of Maturity

Midlife is

Memories of an Earlier Time in Life

A.A.A.D.D.

First Time Football

Late Starter

Golfing Geriatrics

Oops No Poops!

Speed Limits

Holding Your Water

Just Deaf

Getting Physical

A Pain in the Butt

Listening in

A Silent and Odourless Problem

Name Dropping

Feeling Like a Baby

Once Bitten

Gambling Granny

Growing Alike

An Aged Anti-terror Squad

How long will I live?

Forgive Your Enemies

Nylon Birth Control

Heartfelt Concern

The Family Tree

Age

Cardiologist’s Funeral

Couple Sex

Life

A Beautiful Poem about Growing Older

OTHER BOOKS

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

KEEP IN TOUCH WITH TOILET TALES

So, sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain:

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?

You forward cartoons and jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact.

You forward cartoons and jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how.

You forward cartoons and jokes.

And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded cartoon or joke.

So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded cartoons or joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile...

Have a great day.

Author Unknown.

FOREWORD

This collection of jokes and cartoons has been compiled with a view to providing the elderly readers with a modicum of amusement and as a resource for Grandpa to delve into when entertaining family and friends alike.

The jokes have been sent to me by friends from around the world and my sole function has been to edit them. Many of the jokes have been around for decades and tend to reappear in one or another revamped form on the internet and in magazines and newspapers from time to time.

To those Grandpas among you who purchase this collection I trust that you will take it with you to one of the few places in the world, sometimes known as the Thunderbox, where it is not commonplace to be able to take your computer even if it is a laptop. There the book will provide you with hours of amusement while you select jokes and tales to keep your family and friends amused too.

Chris Bruce,

Bangkok, 2013.

Life does not come with instructions on how to live, but it does come with trees, sunsets, smiles and laughter, SO ... enjoy your day.

The Land that Made Me Me. Author Unknown

I have no idea who put this together, but it’s wonderfully reminiscent of the times in the 1950s! If you didn't grow up in the fifties, you missed some of the greatest and worst times in history.

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,

Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot,

There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,

Where navels were for oranges and Peyton Place was porn.

We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,

We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn.

We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,

And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.

We danced to 'Little Darlin' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'

And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me...Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,

And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see

A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me...Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,

And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,

Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me...Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,

And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T ,

And Oprah couldn't talk, yet, in the Land That Made Me...Me.

We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,

At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,

And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me...Me.

We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,

And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson, and Zeppelins were not Led.

And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,

Madonna was a virgin in the Land That Made Me...Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,

And babies might be bottle-fed, but they weren't grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,

And dorms were never co-ed in the Land That Made Me...Me.

We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,

And microchips were what were left at the bottom of the bag.

And Hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,

And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me...Me.

Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,

And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,

And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me...Me.

We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,

We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea

Or prime-time ads for condoms in the Land That Made Me...Me.

There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,

And fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,

And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me...Me.

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,

And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.

They send us invitations to join AARP,

We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me...Me.

So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,

And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.

And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,

Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me...Me.

A Hot Relationship

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,'