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    Poems That Make You Laugh
    Poems That Make You Laugh
    Poems That Make You Laugh
    Ebook119 pages42 minutes

    Poems That Make You Laugh

    By Ernest Slyman

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    About this ebook

    Humorous verse published in literary quarterlies, college textbooks, major publications like The New York Times.

    Hailstorm

    Lightning's omen.

    Thunder's din.

    The sky has lost its marbles!

    May the tournament begin!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherErnest Slyman
    Release dateJul 2, 2015
    ISBN9781513032818
    Poems That Make You Laugh

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      Book preview

      Poems That Make You Laugh - Ernest Slyman

      Giraffe

      Short-horned colossus

      It's perfectly obvious.

      You're one part spindly legs,

      Nine parts esophagus.

      Lightning Bugs

      In my backyard

      They burn peepholes in the night

      And take snapshots of my house.

      Law of Pie

      In the Bible Belt, there is the law of pie.

      If you caught drunk driving in the Bible Belt,

      you've got to recite Bible verses

      and you can't eat pie for two weeks.

      If you rob a bank, and kill two tellers,

      you can't eat pie for six years.

      If you cheat on your taxes you can't have pie

      for six months. And if you and your wife fuss

      and fight over nothing, like who shot the dog.

      You stop making love.

      One of you uglier than the other.

      Here's some pie. You need it.

      If you go to church

      you deserve a piece of pie.

      If you dressed up nice

      and your shoes is shined, you get pie.

      But if you don't pray or read your Bible,

      if you use the Lord's name in vain,

      if you womanizing, drunk, gambling,

      cussing, you ain't getting no pie. Don't even ask.

      Everything in the Bible Belt are governed by pie.

      We got the law of pie.

      If you caught drunk driving in the Bible Belt,

      you got to recite Bible verses

      and you can't eat pie for two weeks.

      Not a single bite. If you rob a bank,

      and shoot two tellers, you can't eat pie for six years.

      If you cheat on your taxes

      you can't have pie for six months.

      And if you and your wife fuss

      and fight over nothing, like who shot the dog.

      You stop making love.

      One of you acting and talking uglier than the other.

      Here's some pie. You need it.

      If you go to church you deserve a piece of pie.

      If you dressed up nice

      and your shoes is shined, you get pie.

      You do a good deed, like help an old lady

      cross the street, or open the door

      for someone carrying grocery bags, here's a pie.

      Help yourself. You deserve it.

      You are pie-certified.

      If you jump in the lake

      and save a child from drowning

      you get free pie from every restaurant.

      If you shoot a grizzly bear about to eat somebody,

      you have won yourself a pie.

      The bakery down on West State Street

      has a sign in the window that says,

      Free Pie To Anybody Who Sings A Hymn.

      They got a line down there a mile-long.

      People stand outside the bakery,

      hoping nobody runs out of pie

      before they can walk in a sing a gospel song.

      Yesterday it was blueberry, tomorrow it's apple,

      and don't you know the whole

      Southeast is excited about it.

      If you can pray real good,

      I mean really pray like Billy Bible,

      that famous child evangelist

      who everybody loves,

      you will receive more pies than you can eat.

      More pies than it's humanly possible to consume.

      But if you don't pray or read your Bible,

      if you use the Lord's name in vain,

      if you womanizing, drunk, gambling,

      cussing, you ain't getting no pie.

      Don't even ask. Don't whine about it.

      Don't smack your lips

      and point at your open mouth

      and rub your stomach.

      You ain't getting no pie no how no time.

      The Law of Pie was enacted in 1934,

      by the then governor of Tennessee,

      Hoyt Sallerby, of Bristol, Tennessee.

      He had a vision that if society was governed

      by who was allowed to eat pie,

      punishing undesirable behavior by denying people

      the right to eat pie,

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