Glass
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About this ebook
Kristina thinks she can control the urge, the addiction, the monster trying to drag her down. Now with a baby to care for, she's determined to be the one deciding when and how much, the one calling the shots. But the monster is too strong, and before she knows it, Kristina is back in its grips. She needs the monster to keep going, to face the pressures of day-to-day life. She needs it to feel alive.
Once again the monster takes over Kristina's life and she will do anything for it, including giving up the one person who gives her the unconditional love she craves—her baby.
A vivid portrait of a victim to addiction, this sequel to Crank is the continuing story of Kristina and her descent back to hell. Told in verse, it's a harrowing and disturbing look at addiction and the damage that it inflicts.
Ellen Hopkins
Ellen Hopkins is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of numerous young adult novels, as well as the adult novels such as Triangles, Collateral, and Love Lies Beneath. She lives with her family in Carson City, Nevada, where she has founded Ventana Sierra, a nonprofit youth housing and resource initiative. Follow her on Twitter at @EllenHopkinsLit.
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Reviews for Glass
586 ratings40 reviews
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Kristina Snow made some major mistakes in the summer prior to her senior year and those mistakes continue to haunt her every day.This follow up is no prettier than its predecessor. It's filled with all the damaging effects that drugs can have on someone's life and how it affects those around them. It was very repetitive, and there were no redeeming qualities to be found, but I was still drawn into the story. I know that Crank (#1) was based on the author's daughter, so I'm assuming this is a continuation of the same. With that always in the back of my mind, I found the story to be captivating. The conclusion to this series titled Fallout will be published in September, 2010. I'm looking forward to it.Originally posted on: Thoughts of Joy
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This was an amazing book it didn't disappoint. I had a glimpse into a mind of an addict and saw how no matter how much they treat to run the monster will always drags them back.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This book wasn't as good as I thought it'll be. But is was better than Crank! Kristina and Bree are addicted again! But this time, they put their baby, Hunter, in danger too! What'll they do? Just wait and see! Now a new boy is in their lives, after Chase leaving then for university! Name's Trey, and hopefully this one'll stay!
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5this book disappointed me i did like it but i think that the follow up to crank could have been better. still a good book still a quick read interesting to see where she takes her life and what happens but its worth the read even though it could have been a bit better
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Glass picks up where Crank left off. Kristina is back at home with her mom and stepfather, trying to stay clean, get her GED and take care of her baby son (born at the end of Crank). Except it’s not so hard to walk away.Soon after Glass begins, she tries meth and it’s a whole new world and now even harder to stay clean.I think in a lot of ways, Glass is even more heartbreaking than Crank was. In Crank, you saw the good, smart girl making a lot of bad decisions. In Glass, though, you see that she’s just sort of given up on herself and her life. She’s sort of trying to get her GED but not really, and she takes a dead-end job at a 7-Eleven (ostensibly to become more independent but really just so she has easier access to money for meth). Kristina desperately wants to stay clean because she loves her son, but she can’t do it. The best/worst decision she made was turning her son back over to her mom to raise, because she knew that he deserved a better life than she was able to give him. I say worst because you could tell that she loved him and that by giving him up, she was so clearly choosing drugs and not even trying to stay clean anymore.These books are so hard to read, but so important, too.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Just as tough to get through as the first one.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5After absolutely loving Crank I just had to get my hands on Glass to read more about Kristina’s story. I devoured the 688 pages in only a matter of a few hours. Glass is a powerful story about a young girl coping with being a teen mom, and also a drug addiction. We watch as she spirals out of control, and takes all these wrong turns and looses herself.Glass left me wanting more, and I’m excited for the next book about Kristina George Snow to appear in 2010, titled Fallout. Ellen Hopkins is a powerful writer, and she speaks such volume with her words.I love how all of Hopkins’ stories are told through verse and I believe that it gives them a much more powerful meaning.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Sequel to "Crank" - kind of depressing because character only gets worse. I guess that's real life though.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Christine Pfau1-5-09E.C. Book ReviewGlass is the continued tale of the penalties Kristina; a typical teenager must go through because of a drug addiction. Being the sequel to Crank, Ellen Hopkins again provides the reader with intense poetry that shows how disturbing addiction can really be. Kristina Georgina Snow was just an average girl from Reno, Nevada, until “the monster” took the reins of her life. This book shows the struggle of trying to stay clean and alert, the trials and tribulation of being a good mother, a good daughter and sister, and how substance abuse can push loved ones away. “Told in verse, it’s a harrowing and disturbing look at addiction and the damage it inflicts.” (Hopkins inside front cover) This book gives the reader much insight to gain about the nature of addiction. The author wasn't afraid to show just how long someone addicted to drugs can get. The book takes you on a journey, that you feel like you are in yourself. Ellen Hopkins does a great job of taking us on this painful trip that was loosely based on her own daughter's experiences with the monster. The book shows many of today’s life lessons of Kristina’s through good and bad learning experiences.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I really enjoy Ellen Hopkins writing style. The book is fast paced, I started it last night and finished it this morning. Once you begin you just get hooked. Im already looking up the next one to purchase it, because I have to know what happens. This book will take you on quite a ride. It really, I feel it gives you an inside look at what it would be like to have the lifestyle of someone on meth. The mindset is crazy. I would recommend this book as a read and overall, I give this book a 5 out of 5 because it kept my interest until the very end.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Another great amazing book that crushes your heart and makes you bleed. I mean really, reading this book has really opened my eyes to something I never really seen or felt before. I always seen this type of things go on in movies, or heard through stories, but to really be in someone else's shoes and goes through this has really made an impact on me. Once again this story is about Kristina and the return of her past. I think, that if something returns from your past that you once let go and is now following you, this is your test. Whats it gonna be? Your life or the drugs? Throughout the book we see Kristina struggle so much. Many times, I just wanted to help her get out of what she is doing and be the person she is meant to be.The plot line is the same expect now Kristina has a child. And one thing I always failed to understand is how a parent can choose a drug over a child. After reading this book, I am at a more understanding part of this. Drugs aren't easy to get out of. It has such a strong on hold on the person, like you are a slave to it. I saw Kristina fight so hard, yet fail.This is another great book that will leave you speechless. I admire Ms. Hopkins so much for taking the time to write such true stories like this one. The impact that Ms. Hopkins has on me is something that I will always remember. Her writing and inspiration to write about these subjects has really inspired me.
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5I did not like the main character, and so, hard a really hard time with the book. It's not an easy topic, for sure. I also think I had a hard time being that close in the MC's head that I was uncomfortable the entire time. (And it's not that I think books should be fluffy easy, but this was discomfort like I wanted to throw up the whole time.)
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5A teenage girl goes on a wrong path and finds herself doing drugs and what happeneds to her along the way. It shows what these things can do to you and I recommend this to teenagers in high school or about to go into high school. It's a really good book.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5There is a song from an obscure 90s movie called Angus, that I can’t get out of my head. It sort of reminds me of Glass by Ellen Hopkins. The song is called Am I Wrong and it’s by Love Spit Love. Basically, there’s just one line that reminds me of the book, “It’s like glass, when we break, I wish no one in my place.” You see, Glass is the sequel to Crank. It is just as powerful as it’s predecessor. As for spoilers, you should probably stop reading right about here, if you have not already read Crank.Glass picks right up where Crank ended. Kristina seems like she is about to make a turn around, be a real parent and quit meth. I mean she’s got a son. She wants to make life right. She’s working on her GED. However, Kristina starts to feel fat, and decides to give the monster a whirl, since meth will make her skinny and pretty again. She thinks, oh, I can handle this, just a little bit here and there. That’s the thing though, isn’t it? Kristina is only human, and meth, well it’s incredibly addictive. What ensues is a downward spiral.I will say, Glass cuts just as badly as Crank. I mean, how can you read these words without your soul clenching? It’s like seeing someone you care about continually make bad decision after bad decision after bad decision. You want to just sit the person down, explain they are being nuts, and please, just stop that. Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not.I won’t go much further into depth, as I would ultimately repeat what I said about Crank, the free verse works, it’s emotional, it’s hardhitting, it’s excellent.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Glass is the sequel to the book Crank and the second book in a 3 part series. Ellen takes us back into the life of Kristina, who in the first novel had a huge problem with drugs. Now, in Glass, Kristina is a mother. She is determined to not let drugs ruin everything again. But throughout the novel, she struggles with the monster. She wants to stay clear of drugs but they keep pulling her in. She needs them to get through her day and feel alive. I am glad that Ellen wrote a sequel to Crank. I really wanted to know what happens to Kristina. This was a very insightful book into to the life of someone who struggles with drugs. I can't wait to read Fallout, the third book.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This book is really addicting, I couldn't put it down. The writing in "Glass" is something different than what you would be used to seeing. The story behind this book is really good, it is about an eight-teen year old girl who has a kid and who is addicted to meth. This is the second book of a series, the first one is "Crank" by Ellen HopkinsJoelle B
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Glass has completely changed my thoughts about Kristen. In Glass I learned more about Kristen and her addicting battle with drugs. All of Ellen's book are always eye opening and interesting to me. Her books are intense. There no sugar coating about it.My thoughts on Kristen have changed. but I can't necessarily say i like her or hate hate. I don't agree with what she does. To me she's acting like a child with a baby. She's 18, i just wanted her to grown up and stop being so boy crazy. I knew it would be hard for her to stop taking Crank/Glass. But i felt that she was more aware. In the book she says she has control. I wish it was control to gradually stop...for herself and the baby. Everybody she was associated with were druggies. You know that's no help. She started drugs to fit in(in Crank) but now the drugs keep her company. She goes to all the wrong people for love, but she's surrounded by love from her family and son Hunter. I think it hurts her to know she's failing...or maybe she has given up...That's what i love about Ellen's books. Her characters have depth. I really care about them. And of course her writing, beautiful but raw. I can't wait to read Fallout!
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5this one was my favorite out of the series.it really had to do with addiction and how easily you can fall back into it without meaning to and not realizing that you have a problem or just ignoring the fact that you do have one.it seemed like no matter how much Kristina tried she couldn't see the bigger picture or the truth. instead of thinking of how naive she is i started to feel like this is a girl needs a big does of reality and self-esteem. the sad part is, is that we all know someone who couldn't of or did end up like this. this book really did hit home because a lot of it was so raw.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This was a really good book. It really showed the effects that meth can have on a person. It was interesting and easy to read and it kept me interested the whole time.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Pretty good book. Not my favroite from this author, but I Couldn;t help but keep reading, I just needed to know what happend. I personally recomend this to teen readers intrested in addiction
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Excellent continuation of Crank. Glass picks up the story of Kristina/Bree and her fall back into the world of crystal meth. Extremely true to life account of how drugs can affect the world and judgement of people. Fast read, kept me turning the pages to see what would happen next as Kristina spirals out of control.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Looser poetry, narrative arc, and reading-compulsion-level than CRANK (just doesn't feel as finely honed, tightly wound, nor, dare i say it, carefully written), but still fulfilling to follow the characters further down their spiral. Just started the 3rd book, FALLOUT, which is so far amazing, and makes powering through GLASS completely worthwhile.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Kristina deals with addiction to crystal meth and having to be a single mother. She has deals with losing boyfriends and the people she loves because of her addiction.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5A good book by this stylized author, but not as good as its predecessor "Crank". 7/10
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Glass by Ellen Hopkins is the sequel to Crank. In glass, Kristina's adventure with the monster(Methamphetamine) continues on once again. She is still stuggling with keeping it under control, but this time she has more problems; Hunter, her mom, her stepdad, and Trey. Hunter is her son, who she got from a accident with the crank (she was going to get high when she was raped). Her mom and stepdad are on her about getting her G.E.D. so she can continue on with her dreams, and she then meets Trey when she starts meth all over again. In the end, she gets busted with a half a pound of meth, after stealing from her mom. She goes to prison, and while in prison, she ginds out she is pregnant. She is hoping for a brighter future, all over again.I absolutely loved Glass, and think it was more interesting then Crank. I can totally relate to having an addiction that is not good for you (nothing like that though). I was totally mesmorized while I was reading Glass. I give this book two thumbs up and recommend it to anyone who has an interest in learning about the effect of Meth on a person and their personal life.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The story of Kristina’s walk with “the Monster,” aka Methamphetamine, continues in this sequel to Crank. The style is the same, all stream-of-conciousness, few words on each page, really evoking the feeling of being high and out-of-it. Kristina’s consequences increase as she pretty much abandons her son to her mother’s care and goes off in search of more and more meth. The easy style will appeal to the young reader, and impart a cautionary tale that is important for young people to read.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5To say that Hopkins has done it again barely covers how freakin' incredible this woman is! (Not just as a writer, but as an advocate against censorship). She grabs your heart and clenches it ever so slightly until you realize a little too late that it's been pulled out of your chest. Simultaneously you are thankful that the book is over while still longing for more.Glass is the continuation of Crank, the story of Katherine and how she gets hooked on Crystal Meth. I read Crank last year and found it heart-wrenching. Man was I surprised to find Glass even more so. Hopkins is not just real (it's loosely inspired by a personal experience) it's raw. I know I sound dramatic here and I don't mean to. BUT IT IS DRAMATIC! Especially when you realize that Kristina, while dealing with the Monster (her euphemism for crank) she's raising a baby. Really? REALLY? And it's like, the whole time I'm reading it, I am fighting with myself. Of course I am pissed at Kristina, she's a mom now. But then I get angry at Kristina's mom for waiting soooo long, even though I know it's hard on the family too. It's this never ending saga of pain and everyone is hurting and falling off of the cliff. Glass is not for the weak of heart, but if you choose to pick it up, I promise you'll be suckered into Kristina's world. I must get my hand on the finally installment.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Glass by Ellen Hopkins is the follow up to Crank. It continues the story of Kristina (and Bree) as she plummets further into the addiction of Crystal Meth, making choices that have more far-reaching consequences.Initially, I wasn't sure if I liked this. The verse that was so amazing in Crank felt a little forced here. The narration in the first few pages felt more like regular prose trying to be played off as poetry, but with still only a few lines per page. The writing improved over the pages, though, and threw me back into the dizzying world I was introduced to in Crank. I had some immensely negative thoughts about this story, but this is a compliment to Hopkins's ability to draw the reader into Kristina's world and addiction. Listening in to Kristina's thoughts and decision making angered and disgusted me. I work in the field of child welfare and have worked with many individuals just like Kristina with whom I have had to empathize. This book didn't make me any more sympathetic to the plight of these parents; if anything, it showed me how many times Kristina had the opportunity to turn her life around and continued to make the wrong choices. I wanted to scream at her and shake sense into her. But I cheered on the mother at doing what she needed to do to protect her family. So many families inadvertently enable their family members to keep using by trying to be supportive in other ways. The mother in this book does a great job of not doing that, while still trying to remain supportive when possible. The ability of an author to elicit such emotions from a reader signifies a great writer and story-teller, and Ellen Hopkins does just that! As frustrated as I became while reading this, I look forward to her other books!
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Ellen Hopkins' Glass and Crank are this generation's Go Ask Alice. Hard hitting and graphic, the novel really gets to the heart of a life torn apart by drugs. What makes the story even more frightening is that it is based off of her own daughter's battle with meth. Not recommended for middle school readers, because of the adult situations and graphic sexual scenes.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Grade Levels: 10-12 Category: Realistic FictionRead Alouds: pp. 15-21 (the new beginning); 36-48 (the plan to go down); 76-92 (glass); 153-158 (realizes addiction); 234-258 (18th birthday); 347-359 (kicked out of the house); 533-544 ( the whorehouse); 599-618 (playing house); 654-681 (jail and the end)Summary: This the continuation of Kristina Snow’s story as a meth addict that began in Hopkins’ book Crank. In this sequel she discovers the more powerful and pure form of meth known as glass. She continues her descent into madness only now she has a child to care for. The story follows her need to spend more and more time with meth and less and less with her son. Her parents eventually take legal custody of him. The story also chronicles how she begins to deal and steal to support her habit. It ends with Kristina in jail, pregnant with her second child. Themes: The book begins with Kristina wanting to wean her child as quickly as possible so that she can go back to using meth. She continues to distance herself from motherhood. She almost misses Hunter’s baptism. She crashes out when she is supposed to be watching him (She didn’t even know that he could roll over) and his crying doesn’t wake her up. She chooses not to spend Christmas (his first) with her son. She misses Easter with him too. The only motherly thing she does is call her mom to come get Hunter when she realizes that her new home with her boyfriend is no place for a baby. When she mentions Hunter, sometimes it is with love, but as the story goes, we can tell that she loves herself and her habit more. In fact, she loves her habit more than she loves herself. When she scores her first post-child meth from her former friend, we see the condition of Robyn and know that Kristina is headed down the same road. (Even though she promises herself to stop before she gets that bad.) When Robyn ends up whoring for the drug, Kristina looks down on her, but her own situation is not all that different. Discussion Questions: How does the Kristina/Bree relationship change from the beginning of the book to the end? Which one is the voice of reason?Describe Kristina’s relationship with Trey. Why are they together?Did Kristina’s mom do the right thing by kicking her out of the house? Why or why not?How is the ending of this book like the beginning? Will Kristina change?Reader Response: Hooray for Kristina’s mom kicking her to the curb!! Even though it didn’t help Kristina much, it probably saved Hunter. I was sickened as I read through Kristina’s “me and my meth first” mentality. Babies change and grow so much that first year and she missed most of it. How completely sad.
Book preview
Glass - Ellen Hopkins
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Glass, by Ellen Hopkins, Margaret K. McElderry BooksPUBLISHER'S NOTE
To best preserve formatting of complex poems and elements, we recommend that this book be read at a smaller font size on your device.
Glass is dedicated to Orion, Jade, Heaven, and Clyde, whose lives, through no fault of their own, have been forever marked by the monster.
I would also like to acknowledge my husband, John, whose love has kept me upright.
Walking with the Monster
Life
was radical
right after I met
the monster.
Later, life
became
harder,
complicated.
Ultimately,
a living
hell,
like swimming
against a riptide,
walking
the wrong
direction in the fast
lane of the freeway,
waking
from sweetest
dreams to find yourself
in the middle of a
nightmare.
You Know My Story
Don’t you? All about
my dive
into the lair of the monster
drug some people call crank.
Crystal. Tina. Ice.
How a summer visit
to my dad sent me
into
the arms of a boy—a
hot-bodied hunk, my
very first love, who led
me down the path to
insanity.
How I came home
no longer
Kristina Georgia
Snow, gifted high
school junior, total
dweeb, and
perfect
daughter, but
instead a stranger
who called herself Bree.
How, no matter
how hard
Kristina
fought her, Bree
was stronger, brighter,
better equipped to deal
with a world where
everything moved at light
speed, everyone mired
in ego. Where everyday
became
another word
for making love with
the monster.
It Wasn’t a Long Process
I went to my dad’s in June, met Adam
the very first day. It took some time
to pry him from his girlfriend’s grasp.
But within two weeks, he introduced
me to the monster. One time was all
it took to want more. It’s a roller-
coaster ride. Catch the downhill
thrill, you want to ride again,
enough to endure the long,
hard climb back up again.
In days, I was hooked on
Adam, tobacco, and meth,
in no particular order. But
all summer vacations must
end. I had to come home to
Reno. And all my new bad
habits came with me. It was
a hella speed bump, oh yeah.
Until I hurt for it, I believed
I could leave the crystal behind.
But the crash-and-burn was more
than I could take. When the jet landed,
I was still buzzed from a good-bye binge.
My family crowded round me at the airport,
discussing summer plans and celebration dinners,
and all I wanted to do was skip off for another snort.
Mom kept trying to feed me. My stepfather, Scott, kept
trying to ask questions about my visit with Dad. My
big sister, Leigh, wanted to talk about her new girlfriend,
and my little brother, Jake, kept going on about soccer.
It didn’t take long to figure out I was in serious trouble.
Not the Kind of Trouble
You might think I’m
talking about. I was pretty
sure I could get away with
B.S.ing Mom and Scott.
I’d always been such a good
girl, they wouldn’t make the
jump to bad
too quickly.
Especially not if I stayed cool.
I wasn’t worried about
getting busted at school
or on the street. I’d only just
begun my walk with the monster.
I still had meat on my bones,
the teeth still looked good.
I didn’t stutter yet. My mouth
could still keep up with my brain.
No, the main thing I worried
about was how I could score
there, at home. I’d never even
experimented with pot, let alone
meth. Where could I go?
Who could I trust with my
money, my secrets? I couldn’t
ask Leigh. She was the prettiest
lesbian you’ve ever seen. But
to my knowledge she had
never used anything stronger
than a hearty glass of wine.
Not Sarah, my best friend since
fourth grade, or any of my
old crowd, all of whom lived by
the code of the D.A.R.E. pledge.
I really didn’t need to worry,
of course. All I had to do
was leave things up to Bree,
the goddess of persuasion.
Before I Continue
I just want to remind you
that turning into Bree
was a conscious decision
on my part. I never really
liked Kristina that much.
Oh, some things about her
were pretty cool—how she
was loyal to her family
and friends. How she loved
easily. How she was good
at any and all things artistic.
But she was such a brain,
with no sense of fashion
or any idea how to have fun.
So when fun presented
itself, I decided someone
new would have to take charge.
That someone was Bree.
I chose her name (not sure where
I got it), chose when to become her.
What I didn’t expect was discovering
she had always been there, inside of me.
How could Kristina and Bree
live inside of one person?
How could two such different halves
make up the whole of me?
How could Bree have possibly survived,
stuck in Kristina’s daily existence?
The Funny Thing Was
Bree solved the meth dilemma on a family
trip to Wild Waters, Scott’s annual
company picnic. Sarah came The first was
along to spend time with a truly gorgeous
Kristina. But Bree lifeguard. Turned out
had other things Brendan wasn’t so pretty
in mind. on the inside, but even Bree, who
thrived on intuition, was clueless. Hard
on the make, Brendan shared booze, cigarettes.
But one guy wasn’t quite enough. I
also ran into Chase Wagner that
day. His outside wasn’t as I found out
attractive, but inside he soon enough that
was fine. Of course, both Chase and Brendan
I didn’t know knew the score—and both
that yet. were interested in me. Brendan
only wanted sex; Chase offered love.
Either way, I had my path to the monster.
Later, I discovered that Robyn, my
old friend Trent’s sister (not to
mention an in
cheerleader), It didn’t take
tweaked to stay thin long to immerse
and pep up.
She myself in the lifestyle.
taught me how Didn’t take long for school
to smoke it. to go to shit; for friendships and
dedication to family to falter. Didn’t
take long to become a slave to the monster.
My Mom and Stepfather
Tried to stop me before
it all went completely wrong.
Kristina spent almost a whole
year GUFN—grounded
until further notice.
But Bree was really good
at prying open windows
at night, lying with a straight
face, denying she had
slipped so far downhill.
Nothing slowed me down.
Not losing my virginity
to Brendan’s rape. Not
spending a few days
in juvenile hall.
The only thing that kept
me sane was Chase’s love,
despite all I put him through.
He even swore to love me
when I told him I was pregnant.
Pregnant. And Brendan
was the father. Bree considered
abortion. Exorcism. Kristina
understood the baby was not
the demon. His father was.
But you know this part
of the story. You followed
me on my journey through
the monster’s territory.
We wound up here.
Who am I now, three
months after I left you,
standing on the deck
with me, listening to my
new baby, crying inside?
I told you then, the monster
is a way of life, one it’s
difficult to leave behind,
no matter how hard you try.
I have tried, really I have.
Maybe if Chase had stayed
with me, instead of running
off to California, in search
of his dreams. Then again,
I told him to go.
Maybe if I had dreams
of my own to run off in
search of. I did once.
But now I have no plans
for a perfect tomorrow.
All I have is today.
T for Today
I’d really like to tell you I have a nice little place with
a white picket fence, flowers in the garden, and Winnie-
the-Pooh, Eeyore, and Tigger, too, on baby blue nursery
walls. I’d like to inform you that I am on a fast track to
a college degree and a career in computer animation—
something I’ve aimed for, ever since I found out I could
draw. I’d love to let
you know I left the
monster screaming
in my dust, shut my
ears, scrambled back
to my family, back to
my baby, my heart. I
could tell you those
things, but they’d be
lies—nothing new for
me, true. But if all I
wrote was lies, you
wouldn’t really know
my story. I want you
to know. Not a day
passes when I don’t
think about getting
high. Strung. Getting
out of this deep well
of monotony I’m
slowly drowning in.
I Was a Junior
When I had Hunter,
a semester away from
early graduation and a hell
of a lot farther than that
away from independence.
To find freedom that even
the magic number eighteen
can’t buy, I need
a job. To get that, I need
a diploma, or at least a GED.
I have no choice but to live
at home, under the prying
eyes of my mom and Scott.
I’ll help watch the baby
until you finish school,
is Mom’s deal. If you go on to
college, the two of you
can stay as long as you like.
It’s a pretty good arrangement,
mostly because I know jack
about babies. Mom’s expertise
comes in handy, especially
in the middle of the night.
More than once, she has shaken
me awake. Hunter’s crying.
I’ll change him. You feed him.
Who knew babies could
be so obnoxious, wanting
to eat at all hours, that is?
Most of the time, my nipples
feel like puppy chew toys.
Breast-feeding isn’t easy. But you
want to give him a good start.
A good, healthy start. I know
that, of course, and figure
I owe him at least that much.
Still, I wake up every morning
exhausted, wondering
how I can make it through
the day, let alone how I’ll
manage to study for my GED.
I try to avoid mirrors. I gained
forty pounds with my pregnancy,
and Hunter only weighed in at
seven pounds, eleven ounces.
Minus placenta, water, etcetera,
that leaves about twenty pounds
of belly flab, jelly thighs,
and chipmunk cheeks I need
to lose before feeling positive
about how I look again.
And until I do that, I know
I’ll never find someone new to love.
So Maybe It Will Come
As no surprise to you that lately
I have been hearing the plea
of the monster, distant
at first but creeping closer.
Louder. Come back to me,
Kristina. Hurry back, Bree.
I closed my ears for a long
while, pleaded with it to please
shut up, please go away,
please leave me alone.
But I’m starting to come
around. Maybe a short
(and I mean no long-term
commitments!) stroll
with the monster might
slim me down, rev me up
and offer the impetus to slip
into my future, better equipped
to deal with the mindless
tedium that is my life.
I Know
I should resist.
Turn
away.
Walk
away.
Run
away,
far
away,
so far
the monster will
never
find me, never
sniff
me out,
never
dare
touch
me,
never
pretend to
hear
my meager complaints,
never
get even the slightest
taste
of the fear in my heart,
never
force me to
see
what I’m afraid to see.
But Suddenly
Without
a doubt
I understand
the monster
and I are more
than friends.
We’re blood
brothers.
Or maybe
blood sisters.
(Is there
such a thing?
And does
that mean
I should
include Bree?)
That is
a forever
kind of thing.
Forever.
All I need
to do is
find a way
for the two
of us
[no, most
definitely that’s
three of us,
including
me, Bree]
to hook
up again.
You Have to Remember
It has been months since
I’ve been out looking to
score.
Chase is gone, Brendan
person non grata, my
Mexican Mafia
connect
a thing of the past.
Only one person comes
to mind, and Robyn
just might be hard to
find,
away at college in
California. And even
if I can locate my old
party
pal, how will I ever
make it over the mountain
to the Golden State? I used
to have plenty of
friends,
friends who could give
me rides. No more, and my
own wheels are in for a major
overhaul. I can’t borrow
Mom’s car to hunt down
whiff.
Can I?
I Call Trent
Robyn’s brother is an old
friend. In fact, that’s how
I know Robyn. Trent’s great,
even if he is totally straight.
Meaning he doesn’t get high.
Because when it comes to sex,
he’s 100 hundred percent gay.
And I’m fine with things that way.
Mrs. Rosselli answers on
the third ring. Hello? Oh, it’s
you. Her voice is like a hail
storm—hard, staccato, frigid.
"Hello, Mrs. Rosselli.
Is Trent there? No?
Well, do you know
when he’ll get home, then?"
Long pause. Then, I’m not
really sure. Can I help
you with anything else?
Something’s up with her.
I’m not really looking
for Trent, anyway. "Yes.
Can you tell me how
to get hold of Robyn?"
Longer pause. Uh, you
know, she was moving
out of the dorm, into
an apartment. I’m not sure . . .
Things are growing clearer.
"Is there a problem, Mrs.
Rosselli? I just want to
catch up with old friends."
The longest pause of all.
You’re not their friend,
Kristina. You’re nothing
but trouble they don’t need.
Stung
But not really smarting,
I could tell her that
both of her children
need all the friends
they can get—trouble
or not. One is eighteen
and gay, in a city where
homosexuality is almost
as dirty a word as Democrat.
The other will be lucky
to finish her freshman year
in college—too much time
buying affection with an
omnipresent speed stash.
But saying that won’t suit
either of us at the moment.
"I’m not sure what you mean,
Mrs. Rosselli. I’ve made some
mistakes, yes. But I’m working
hard to straighten myself out.
Having friends in my life—
good friends, on the right
track themselves—is one
thing I desperately need.
I apologize if I’ve ever
done anything to offend
you, or to hurt Robyn or
Trent. I don’t believe I
have, but if you think
so, please let me make
it up to you." Oh yeah,
I’m back in the game,
and damn does it feel great!
Not Only That
But it works.
I’m sorry, Kristina.
I shouldn’t be so judgmental.
"That’s okay, Mrs. Rosselli.
I understand your feelings."
Trent works for a lawyer
after school. He usually
gets home around six.
"A lawyer? Wonderful!
I know he wanted to go
to law school. . . ."
Robyn’s at UOP in
Stockton. She still has
her old cell number, 775 . . .
"Thank you so much.
I’ll call Trent later. Please
tell him I was in touch."
I will. And how’s that
baby? Growing like
corn, I’ll wager.
Growing like corn?
Whatever. "He’s beautiful,
thanks. Looks just like me."
She chuckles. I bet he
does. Take care, Kristina.
You too, Mrs. Rosselli.
I click the phone dead,
dial another number.
"Hey, Robyn. It’s Kristina.
What’s up?"
She Sounds
Strung,
like her brain is
disconnected
from her mouth.
Don’t get me
wrong.
I remember that
feeling well—
knowing
exactly what you
want to say, but
your
lips can’t quite
manage the
correct
combination of vowels
and consonants
to form the
words.
Could be a bad sign.
Anyone that
incapable
of cohesive language
could very well be
crashing—another way
of saying
Robyn is definitely
still using, but might
be out at the moment,
a sentence
worse than death for
a regular tweaker.
How bad is my timing?
Let’s Find Out
K-Kristina?
"C’mon, Robyn. It
hasn’t been that long."
Oh, yeah, right.
Kristina. Whatcha
been up to?
"Not much. Studying
for my GED. Taking
care of my baby."
Sounds . . . like not
a lot of fun.
"Which is exactly why
I’m calling you."
Oh, yeah, right.
Well, I could maybe
help you out there.
"Very cool. I have to
see if I can borrow a car.
How about tomorrow?"
That would probably
work. I’m in class
until four.
She can do classes,
sounding like that?
"Okay. I’ll work on
the car and give you
a buzz tomorrow."
Oh, yeah, right.
Uh, Kristina? Come
alone, okay?
Tweaker talk for
This better not be a bust.
"Not a problem, Robyn.
All I want is to get my head."
Thinking about it,
I’m starting to want
that real bad.
But First
I have to convince my mom to lend
me her car, and to babysit
Hunter—all on a Friday
night. Party night, for
almost every
partier in
America.
Hell, it’s the
American Way, as
I think almost everyone
will agree. Get out of school
or off work, put on clean clothes,
and look for a way to escape reality—
whether that’s with alcohol, weed, or
my all-time favorite: speed.
Pot and beer mostly make
me tired. I only used
to use them when
I was buzzed up
real high,
didn’t
mind slowing
down a little. But I
haven’t done any of that
in way too long. Being good
all the time isn’t just hard. It’s damn
boring. There’s more to life than babies
and books, and I’m overdue to go out
and find a little fun. First things
first. I have to find a way
to Stockton. All it
will take, I hope,
is the perfect
little (okay,
big) lie.
I’m Out of Practice
Not having had to manufacture
a lie in quite a long time.
I have to say, that isn’t a bad
place to be, where you don’t
have to lie. Everything is just
so much easier when you don’t
have to remember what you
told who, and when, and why.
What is simply is. But not
anymore, I guess. Now I have
to not only come up with a reason
to go, but also to remember exactly
what it was, no matter how tweaked
I might be when I get home.
Tweaked! It takes a modicum
of thinking, but within an hour or so,
I invent a great (I think) excuse.
It’s a Doozer
"Mom, is there any
way I could borrow
your car? There’s a
college fair I want to
check out tomorrow,
over in Sacramento. College
It starts around four fair?
and should go until
eight. . . ." (I think Don’t you want me
that will give me to go along with
plenty of time to you? You’ve
hook up with Robyn— never driven
even if she isn’t that far by your-
exactly on time— self. It’s a
score, toot a little, three-
and start back.) hour trip, you
"I’d ask you to come along, but I know, not easy.
need you to watch Hunter. I can’t
really take him with me. If it makes
you feel better, I’ll invite Trent to
ride along. He can visit his sister."