Wedding Your Way

Wedding Your Way

by

V M Peters

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Disclaimer

This book was written as a guide only and does not claim to be the final definitive word on any of the subjects covered. The statements made and opinions expressed are the personal observations and assessments of the author based on her own experiences and were not intended to prejudice any party. There may be errors or omissions in this guide. As such, the author or publisher does not accept any liability or responsibility for any loss or damage that may have been caused, or alleged to have been caused, thought use of the information contained in this book.

Wedding Your Way

by

V M Peters

Copyright 2014 V M Peters

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

ISBN: ISBN: 978-0-9873221-4-2

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Books by V Peters published by Smashwords:

Love and Romance Book

1. Californian Poppy: A Love Story

Self-Help Books

1. 1,000+ Answers to Your Wedding Questions

2. Wedding Your Way

3. Honeymoon! A Sizzle or a Fizzle: Prepare Mentally, Physically and Emotionally for the Best Time of Your Life

4. Celebrating Love’s Special Moments

5. How to be a Profitable Celebrant: Practical Tips on Running a Profitable Celebrancy Business

6. You can be a Successful Officiant

7. Wedding Words: Perfect Words for your Wedding Ceremony

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Table of Contents

Part One - Wedding Ceremony Your Way

..........Step One - Opening Words

..........Step Two - Words of Love

..........Step Three - Vows of Support

..........Step Four - Dedication to Parents

..........Step Five - Renewing Vows

..........Step Six - Exchanging Wedding Rings

..........Step Seven - Lighting the Candles

..........Step Eight - Wedding Vow as a Question

..........Step Nine - Wedding Vow as a Promise

Step Ten - Tokens and Symbols of Love

..........Step Eleven - Handfasting Ceremony

..........Step Twelve - Exchanging a Rose

..........Step Thirteen - Sharing the First Drink as Husband and Wife

..........Step Fourteen - Setting Butterflies Free

..........Step Fifteen - Blending of Sands

..........Step Sixteen - Family Candles

..........Step Seventeen - Breaking a Wine Glass

..........Step Eighteen - Planting a Tree

..........Step Nineteen - Creating a Wishing Tree

..........Step Twenty - Planting Seeds

..........Step Twenty- One - The Conclusion

Part Two - The Wedding Day

..........Step One - Ceremony Site

..........Step Two - Decorating

..........Step Three - Time and Place for a Wedding

..........Step Four - Getting Ready for a Wedding

..........Step Five - Getting There

..........Step Six - In Place

..........Step Seven - Choosing the Music

..........Step Eight - Second Time Around

..........Step Nine - Divorced Parents of the Bride and Groom

..........Step - Ten - Something Special

Part Three - The Bride and her Helpful Attendants

..........Step One - Dressing the Bride

..........Step Two - Crowning Glory

..........Step Three - Say it with Flowers

..........Step Four - Here Come the Bridesmaids

..........Step Five - Dressing the Attendants

..........Part Four - The Groom and his Merry Men

..........Step One - The Boys: Big and Small

..........Step Two - Choosing the Best Man

..........Step Three - Adult Male Attendants

..........Step Four - Junior Male Attendants

..........Step Five - Meaning of Wedding Suits

..........Step Six - Dressing the Groom

..........Step Seven - Buttonholes

Part Five - The Wedding Guest

..........Step One - Size of the Guest List

..........Step - Two Wedding Stationery

..........Step Three - Requesting the Honour

..........Step Four - Accepting with Pleasure

..........Step Five - Thank You So Much

..........Step Six - Arrival of the Wedding Guests

..........Step Seven - Getting to Know the Guests

Part Six - Wedding Parties

..........Step One - The Creative Shower

..........Step Two - Celebrating Bridesmaids

..........Step Three- The Partying Bucks

..........Step Four - Wedding Rehearsal

..........Step Five - Rehearsal Dinner

..........Step Six - Wedding Anniversaries

..........Step Seven - Renewal of Wedding Vows

Part Seven - The Wedding Reception

..........Step One - Reception Style

..........Step Two - Creating Atmosphere

..........Step Three - Seating Arrangement

..........Step Four - Receiving Line

..........Step Five - Wedding Speeches

..........Step Six - Wedding Cake

..........Step Seven - Dancing the Night Away

..........Step Eight - Taking Leave

Part Eight - The Wedding Memories

..........Step One - Making it Public

..........Step Two - Forms and Lists

..........Step Three - The Professional

..........Step Four - A Day to Remember

..........Step Five - Photographs

..........Step Six - Video Recording

..........Step Seven - Audio Taping

..........Step Eight - Strictly Personal

Part Nine - The Happy Marriage

..........Step One - Why Marriage?

..........Step Two - Different Types of Marriages

..........Step Three - Marriage Myths

..........Step Four - Communication

..........Step Five - Love

..........Step Six - A Healthy Family

..........Step Seven - Identifying Feelings

..........Step Eight - Money Management

..........Step Nine - Sexuality

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Part One - Wedding Ceremony Your Way

Couples are beginning to take an interest in, and responsibility for their own wedding ceremony. They are encouraged both by religious and civil celebrants to think about how they view the institution of marriage, what they consider important in their relationship, and in what way they feel their commitment to each other will be different by being made public. By becoming aware of themselves as the originators rather than the recipients of their wedding ceremony, some couples write almost the whole of their ceremony. Others incorporate their own thoughts within the framework of the existing traditional wedding ceremony.

A contemporary ceremony tries to express something of the uniqueness of the people concerned. It tries to be relevant by expressing feelings the two people have for each other; the kind of life they envisage together; and what destiny they hope to achieve. They want the ceremony to be appropriate to their way of life by eliminating rituals that are meaningless to them, retaining those in which they still find significance, and adding those which define for them the true meaning of marriage.

To satisfy the legal aspects a marriage could take all of one minute – if that. And there are some couples who are happy with a short, legal ceremony provided by the registry office. Most, however, feel that their private commitment to each other appropriates to itself new dimensions when acknowledged publicly. They feel supported and strengthened by their family and friends in having them witness their promises to each other. And while they may not be aware of it, their friends are uplifted by the freshness and hopefulness of the couple’s love for each other. For these couples there is the opportunity of compiling a ceremony which reflects their understanding of, and their obligation to the institution of marriage.

For the non-English speaking couple it is possible to have the wedding ceremony in their own language if they can find a celebrant who speaks it. Or they can have a translator repeat the celebrant’s words.

The steps that can be used by a couple to create a ceremony all of their own will be discussed in the following pages.

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Step One - Opening Words

The beginning of a wedding ceremony may take several different forms. It may be an address of welcome by the celebrant on behalf of the bride and groom and their families. In such a speech, the celebrant expresses the pleasure the bride and groom derive at being surrounded by their friends on their wedding day, and the added meaning that their presence gives to their commitment to each other.

It is also used to outline the basis on which the two people base their marriage. Some couples are marrying in order to raise a family and become members of the greater family of humanity. Others see it as a means of personal growth, whilst assisting another to realise his or her potential. Mature couples may be seeking companionship. Any reason which prompted the couple’s decision to marry can be made the subject of an introduction.

Couples with theme weddings find it desirable to introduce their wedding ceremony by explaining the theme of their choice. Those couples who marry at dawn or at the beach or on top of a mountain often have reasons for their choice. Perhaps the couple first met at the beach; perhaps they want to marry at dawn because they see a parallel between the beginning of another day and the commencement of a new life for themselves; perhaps they are expatriates, and the particular setting reminds them of home.

Sometimes the marriage is part of a long relationship between the families of the bride and groom. It could be that a long-lasting friendship of the two families was instrumental in bringing the bride and groom together. Or the families of the bride and groom may have come from pioneer stock who have lived side by side for generations. Whilst exploring this background, the introduction might also outline the possible significance the union holds for the two families as well as for the couple about to marry.

The Speaker

An introduction can be undertaken by the celebrant, by a member of the family, or both. Indeed, any type of introduction can be made by a friend or relative of the couple. In particular, an introduction by a friend, relative or mentor, is appropriate when the wedding ceremony is followed by a very small reception. In effect the introduction takes the place of the later speeches normally made at a reception.

When the groom and bride are sponsoring their own wedding, the groom may use the introduction to explain the way in which the decision to marry was reached by them both, and the importance to them both in celebrating their decision in the public way they have chosen. One couple, whose friends had given up on their ever getting married, decided to have a surprise wedding. Having invited their friends to a birthday party, halfway through they began to play the wedding march to the delighted amazement of the guests. The introduction was in part an explanation of what had made the couple decide to make such a long-standing union, a legally formal one.

At the other extreme when the wedding ritual is part of a longer, religious service, there may be no introduction as such. Instead the celebrant may begin the wedding ritual by an address to the couple on a topic chosen by either the couple or the celebrant.

Before deciding the basis of their introduction a couple might look at the significant aspects of their relationships; what exactly it means to them personally. They might also look at the influence that their parents and relatives have had on their development as growing human beings, noting any modifications and refinements that close and valuable friendships have had on that growth. Only after placing their relationship against the wider perspective of life, do they arrive at an understanding of what is important to them, and what is important enough to include in their marriage ceremony.

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Step Two - Words of Love

Included in the wedding ceremony are also poems, songs, prayers, litanies, benedictions, marriage exhortations or homilies. Some are used to pursue the theme suggested by the introduction, others reflect upon the couple’s expectation of marriage. Some couples respond to the works of the poet Kahlil Gibran whose emphasis on the need to retain one’s own individuality even when in love, appeals to their sense of equality between the two partners. Others derive meaning from the simple philosophies of Helen Steiner Rice and Jean Kyler McMannus.

Marriage is not always the central theme of such readings. Since marriage is not seen in isolation from the broader aspects of life, readings are often reflections on love and life generally, as well as fellowship in marriage. Where a couple feel that in marrying they not only enter into a relationship with each other, but in a wider sense commit themselves to the community at large, they choose readings which express some strong view they hold on the priorities in their lives as members of that community.

The Readers

While the celebrant often undertakes the readings, the bride and groom, their parents, and in particular members of the bridal party are willing participants. In a case where the bride’s parents have divorced and subsequently remarried, the bride may involve both her natural and step-father in her wedding by inviting them both to participate in a reading instead of the giving away ceremony. A bride and groom who choose lyrical poems by such poets as Keats, Browning and Shakespeare find the words have an added meaning when they themselves use them to address each other.

While some couples encourage their friends and relations to involve themselves in the wedding ceremony through participation in individual readings and singing, others involve the whole congregation. Such involvement may take the form of a benediction or a litany where the whole congregation responds to a leader. The benediction may be composed by the couple and include all the things that they might feel they have reason to be grateful for – each other, their parents, their friends, their environment. Or they may focus on their hopes for their future together. Those readings that take the form of a blessing are sometimes read by all the guests, or while the celebrant reads one line, the whole congregation reads every second line.

The Readings

Just as poetry books include a large proportion of suitable love poems, so are music albums filled with love songs appropriate for the celebration of marriage. Such songs as ‘Wedding Song’, ‘Annie’s Song’ and ‘The first Time I Ever Saw Your Face’ have all been used as part of wedding ceremonies. Musicals and light operettas such as Fiddler on the Roof, Chocolate Soldier and The Sound of Music have songs inspired by the theme of love and marriage. When choosing a song predominantly for its meaning to them personally, a couple may decide to sing it themselves or recite it to each other. Depending on the context of the song it might be recited by one partner to the other, or by each person in turn reciting a verse.

Material for readings can be found on the Internet, in books, as well as wedding, engagement and anniversary cards. In art and gift shops colourful hangings are imprinted with memorable verses whose sentiments may appeal to a couple. And to many, irrespective of whether the marriage ceremony is a civil or a religious one, the Bible is still a great source of inspirational material.

The setting of the wedding and the type of guests present is also considered when choosing readings. A Shakespearean sonnet, among guests who’ve spent most of their adult life trying to forget they’ve ever heard of him, may seem an affectation rather than a sincere expression of feeling. Similarly, archaic prose or poetry in various dialects might be found to be more entertaining than edifying.

Closer to our times is the inspirational material of Richard Evans in his books Open Door and Open Road. Among other topics the author discusses the subjects of love and marriage in terms of its privileges and responsibilities. Of specific interest to marriage celebration is George and Nena O’Neill’s Open Marriage and Pearl S. Buck’s Love Cannot be Forced. Those who seek their readings from the Bible choose Song of Solomon, Ruth and Psalms from the Old Testament books and John, Colossians and Ephisians from the New Testament.

In both civil and religious ceremonies readings are added to either extend the length of the ceremony or to enlarge its inner meaning. Thus while some couples place little emphasis on readings, seeing them as unnecessary embellishments, others, by appropriateness of topic and judicious placing, make them an integral part of the ceremony.

Placing the Readings

Parts of the ceremony which lend themselves to the insertion of readings are before and immediately after the introduction, before and after the wedding vows, before and after the ring ceremony and before and after the conclusion. While weddings can be too short, they can also be too long, especially if they are lengthened merely by the insertion of readings which are then read by the celebrant. The longer the ceremony, the more people need to be involved to give it variety and interest.

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Step Three - Vows of Support

Support from the Father of the Bride

Far from being an essential part of the wedding ceremony, giving away the bride is often omitted from both the religious and civil ceremony. Consequently, in the contemporary wedding ceremony it is used predominantly as an ornament.

When used in the spirit originally intended, the bride is given away immediately after the groom has been asked whether he takes the bride as his wife, but before the bride is asked whether she will take the groom as the husband. The understanding being that while the groom accepts the bride as his wife, she will only accept him after receiving her father’s consent to do so. In most weddings nowadays the giving away ceremony takes place before either the groom or the bride have accepted each other. In some cases, the giving away takes place right at the beginning of the ceremony, before the introduction itself.

In some contemporary weddings, where the parents of both partners are participating, each giving away their offspring, the giving away will take place after both partners have affirmed that they accept each other as husband and wife, but before they have made their actual promise to each other.

The giving away ceremony dates back to an ancient time when a father was the head of the family with very real authority, and his decision as to whom his daughter married was absolutely final. Even today in some parts of the world it is the parents’ presence which legitimises the marriage. It is they who unite the partners rather than the partners uniting themselves. For that reason some people find the ceremony unacceptable.

However, others see the father less as a figure of authority than as a participant with a particular interest in the bride’s welfare. The decision to marry is his daughter’s but his presence shows his pleasure at her decision.

Support from the Mother of the Bride

When the mother gives the bride away the procedure remains the same, with the mother walking down the aisle arm in arm with her daughter, relinquishing her into the groom’s care at the appropriate moment of the wedding ceremony. As a widow, Queen Victoria walked several of her daughters down the aisle and formally gave them away at the altar.

Those mothers who feel uncomfortable at the idea of walking with the bride, choose to stand at the altar with the groom and his attendants. The bride either walks alone or is escorted by a friend who takes part in the wedding march only. After placing the bride between the mother and the groom the escort takes his place among the assembled guests. Those mothers or parents, who, while fully supporting the union of their children, prefer not to stand with them at the altar, make their statement of support from where they are seated among the congregation.

Support from Parents of the Bride and Groom

The evolution of the giving away ceremony from one where the father is giving his consent to one where he expresses his affection for his daughter, has stimulated a number of changes in the ceremony. In the first instance it encouraged the mother of the bride to become involved.

Subsequently the parents of the groom felt that their concern for their son was no less real than that of the parents of the bride for their daughter, and as suitable to be publicly expressed. Where both sets of parents are participants in the wedding ceremony two giving away ceremonies are performed. Standing at the altar with their children, each set of parents in turn is asked whether they give their son or daughter to the other partner.

In order to draw out the significance of the new style of giving away ceremony, after the traditional giving away the parents are further asked whether they will support the union of their children and in what way. Usually the celebrant will frame the question in a way which elaborates the type of support envisaged.

Where the parents - and sometimes grandparents - want to make their own statement, instead of merely replying to a question, at the appropriate time they all step in front of the couple, take each other’s hand in a circle, and make their vow of support in front of the couple and all the guests.

Support for Children of Former Marriages or Current Relationship

Partners marrying for the second time with children from the previous marriage may involve them in the marriage ceremony. If the child is a young adult and genuinely happy at the prospect of his mother marrying again, he may be asked to be the escort who formally gives the bride away.

On the other hand, where children are very young, it is they who might be given into the care of the prospective parent. After defining the responsibility of a parent the partner is asked to formally express his willingness to undertake that responsibility. Such a giving away ceremony is happiest when the children are young enough not to care, or old enough to make the decision themselves.

It is not unusual for couples, who already have children together, to decide to get married. Within the wedding ceremony they formally express their sense of responsibility as parents and their commitment to their children. In the case of a marriage which includes children of former relationships, couples may reassure them by promising to nurture the children’s relationship with their birth parents.

If the children are older they may be asked to participate directly in a symbolic ceremony such as the lighting of the candle to underscore the fact that this union holds within it not only the two adults but the children also. Or, if the children are genuinely happy about the new relationship, they may read a poem they have created for the occasion or formerly promise to treat the new parent with love and respect.

As a more concrete of the union of children, as well as the bride and groom, some couples include within the ceremony, a gift to the child, or children, concerned. This might be a piece of jewellery that is placed around the child’s neck or wrist. In some cases the jewellery has taken the form of a medallion featuring three intertwining rings representing the bride, the groom and the children and is placed around the neck of all participants by their celebrant.

Support for children as a Naming Ceremony

Where the