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    Partners in Ministry: Help and Encouragement for the Ministry Wife
    Partners in Ministry: Help and Encouragement for the Ministry Wife
    Partners in Ministry: Help and Encouragement for the Ministry Wife
    Ebook195 pages3 hours

    Partners in Ministry: Help and Encouragement for the Ministry Wife

    By Christine Hoover

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    About this ebook

    Ministry. There's nothing else quite like it. That's why I love getting face-to-face and knee-to-knee with other ministry wives and peppering them with questions. How do you do this? How do you handle that?

    That's also why I frequently write about being a ministry wife: I know I'm not the only one with more questions than answers. Certainly, I'm not the only one struggling to get it right.

    Ministry is simply not something to go at alone. We need other women beside us who are working through the complexities and joys of ministry, we need to learn from their successes and mistakes, and we need the encouragement from others who understand what it's like to be in ministry.

    Although ministry is not something to go at alone, many ministry wives feel alone and isolated by their role. They desire to be faithful, but they also crave soul-nourishment and encouragement.

    I am just such a ministry wife, and perhaps you are as well. Let me walk with you. Let's do this together.

    I have written about my own experiences in ministry on my blog for years. I've compiled them into this ebook, Partners in Ministry: Help and Encouragement for Ministry Wives. Written for women serving in any variety of ministries (in established churches, in church plants, on the mission field, in ministry organizations) and in a variety of roles, the book is meant both as a resource and an encouragement. So you know that in what you're feeling and what you're experiencing you're not alone.

    The ebook is divided into six parts, each part packed with essays that both speak to the heart and offer practical help for ministry:

    Lessons Learned in Ministry
    The Ministry Wife's Role
    Helps for the Ministry Wife
    When You're Hurting, Tired, or Discouraged
    Friendship and Ministry
    Specifically for Sundays

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherChristine Hoover
    Release dateMay 13, 2014
    ISBN9781310858246
    Partners in Ministry: Help and Encouragement for the Ministry Wife
    Author

    Christine Hoover

    Christine Hoover is the wife of a church planting pastor and mom to three boys. She maintains a popular blog, GraceCoversMe.com, where she encourages women to apply gospel truths to their honest thoughts and feelings. She is a regular contributor to Desiring God, For The Church, and Flourish. In addition, her work has appeared on The Gospel Coalition, In(courage), iBelieve, Send Network, and Christianity Today. Christine and her family live in Charlottesville, Virginia.

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      Book preview

      Partners in Ministry - Christine Hoover

      Introduction

      For 15 years now, ministry has defined me. My husband, currently the lead pastor of the church we planted in Charlottesville, Virginia, has served in various church and parachurch roles since before we were married, which has made me a college minister's wife, a mission pastor's wife, a church planter's wife, and now I suppose simply a pastor's wife. Because of this, I have seen and done things that I might not have otherwise. Ministry has defined what my husband and I do, where we've lived, and how our family operates. It has defined how I view the world and how the world perceives me. Perhaps most importantly, ministry has helped me understand and know God in a deep and intimate way.

      What I've discovered is that being a ministry wife is complex. There are high highs and low lows. Relationship lines are blurred. There are so many ways to serve that it can be confusing and overwhelming. Influence is almost automatically given. How do we, as ministry wives, navigate it all in a way that honors the Lord and other people? There isn't a formula to follow and there aren't easy answers to some of the situations we face.

      In all my years of ministry, I keep coming back to one word: grace. We serve by the grace of God, we learn how to be a ministry wife by the grace of God, and we never stop needing to receive and give the grace of God. Thankfully, because of the grace we've been given in Jesus Christ, we don't have to rely on any formulas or human models of what it means to be a ministry wife. We can fall back into the arms of a Father who loves us, leads us, convicts us when necessary, and gives us what we need to fulfill the role He's given us. Our husbands and kids and churches need us to do this more than anything else.

      That's what this book is about--grace. It's about ministry too, but mostly it's about grace and remembering that God is faithful and God is able and God approves of us. It is my hope and prayer that these words, full of my own struggles and experiences, draw you back to the grace of Christ and empower you to persevere in what God has called you to do.

      Ministry has defined me, just as it is defining you and your spaces and places, but it is not our identity. We are ministry wives, not to serve in specific roles or to be what others think we should be, but because we are children of God and, as our Father, He has determined that this is the best way we can serve Him. Let's do it well in honor of Him. Together.

      Christine Hoover, Charlottesville, VA, 2014

      Part One: Lessons Learned in Ministry

      Seven Things I Wish I’d Known Earlier About Being a Pastor’s Wife

      We sat in the car together, my mom and I, with the ignition turned off, and I cried. Kyle and I were less than two years into marriage and less than a year into ministry life, and I wasn't handling it very well. It's really hard. That's all I knew to say to help her understand, and I meant ministry more than I meant marriage. I felt as if I should know more of what to do and how to do it, and I was afraid to admit the extent of it, and I was mostly afraid to ask for help.

      There is no training ground for ministry life for the pastor's wife, there is just the doing it. No one prepares you for the first time someone asks you a question you don't have a clue how to answer, the first time someone shares a deeply shocking experience they've had and you must respond, the first time someone criticizes your husband, or the first time you are treated differently because you're the pastor's wife. You step in blindly and find your way. You figure it out. 

      I'm 14 years in and, in many ways, I'm still finding my way. On the other hand, I look back to the girl in that car with her mom, and I see all the things I didn't yet know, lessons that I would eventually learn through just doing it. If I could go back and talk to that girl, these are the things I would say, these are the things I'd want her to know about being a pastor's wife:

      You have an opportunity to influence others. Accept it as a gift from God, and then use it wisely, boldly, humbly, and for the glory of God. 

      Insecurity is a loud and destructive force. This is true for anyone, but in a person who holds influence, it is especially true. If you give in to insecurity, it will create competitiveness, an inability to appreciate and celebrate others, a paralyzation of the gifts God intends you to use, an unteachable and prideful heart, and a concern with image more than a concern for the gospel and for people. Because insecurity is so destructive, fight it everyday with the truth and conviction of the Word.

      Don't let your role become your identity. The temptation will come instantly and swiftly, as soon as someone introduces you as The Pastor's Wife, as soon as you receive honor because of your role, and as soon as you start believing that you are what you do. Create a life outside of your role as The Pastor's Wife. Create a marriage outside of ministry. Nurture interests that speak to your whole person. Think of yourself as a church member, not as a Pastor's Wife deserving special honor.

      Be vulnerable. Your insecurities will keep you from asking for help, and they'll keep you isolated from the community that you need (and everyone needs) to be healthy and grow. Fight through the discomfort of revealing your needs, thoughts, and struggles (to safe people, of course). Pursue heart-level friendships. 

      Learn to love and desire the Word more than the words of others. You will desire companionship. You will be called upon to counsel others with wisdom and clarity. You will crave affirmation and validation. You will feel discouraged. You will need a reminder of why you're doing what you're doing. In all these things, it is sometimes easier to go to others, but this isn't always healthy or good. Learn to go to God in His Word first. Learn to value what He says above what others say. His Word will sustain you when no one else can.

      Give grace. People will hurt you, and you will hurt people. Learn to give grace and accept it. Forgive and ask for forgiveness. Speak grace loud and often to yourself and others. Don't let wounds, received or given, keep you from fulfilling what God has called you to do.

      Pace yourself. This isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. Run hard but also rest. And remember to keep your eyes on the Finish Line, knowing that faith is your victory.

      Tricks of the Trade for the Pastor’s Wife

      I have to stop and think when someone asks me how old I am. In my mind, I'm perpetually the same age, so when I actually calculate it and say the number out loud, it startles me a little. Sometimes I feel like the number is too low--the plodding years of church planting will do that to a girl.

      But most of the time it feels too high. Time has marched on and suddenly I'm the mother of a 10-year-old, and I can't remember not being married. And why are those crinkles around my eyes appearing in the mirror? All signs point to maturation, but when it comes to the big stuff of life, I feel like I'm just getting started and that I still have so much to learn. When does one, for instance, give the final death knell to pride? And how does one, totally hypothetically of course, give the boot once and for all to people-pleasing? And what's the deal with this whole menopause thing? I need to be prepared, people!

      But sometimes the age that comes out of my mouth feels just right. I've earned that age, gosh darn it. That age represents a whole lot of lessons and failures and experiences. Years sure do give wisdom and perspective, at least that's what I hope since I have crinkles to show for them.

      When it comes to ministry, there are some things I don't know yet. There are some things I probably think I know, but I haven't yet discovered that I don't know them at all.

      But there are a few things I do know, practical things that I've learned to incorporate, that are vital to my ministry, and that have honestly kept me sane. They are my tricks of the trade (if being a pastor's wife can be called a trade), and I share them with you now, fully aware that I might come back in 10 years with a red editing pen and slash at will. But they're working for me now, and they just might work for you too:

      I must drink deeply of the Word every single day or I will wither up and die.

      When someone in the church has a critique, question, or issue, unless it is in my area of ministry, I must send them to the right person without getting involved. I am not a staff member and, most of the time, it is not my problem.

      I do not need to take it on as a personal mission to address every presented need.

      It’s best to pray for people right when they ask.

      It’s good for my perspective to write the victories down. Celebrate them. Be grateful for them. Enjoy them.

      On Sunday mornings, it helps to pray before church that God would lead me to one or two people that I can bless or encourage. It also helps to go in with one or two people in mind that I've been thinking about that I'd like to connect with. This keeps feelings of loneliness, aimlessness, and uncertainty at bay.

      Instead of sitting alone in church, use it as an opportunity to ask someone who often sits alone to join me. Or look for new faces and invite them to sit with me.

      When something doesn't go how I imagined, when God's answer is no, or when I am not included or asked to lead a ministry, I should consider that God is protecting me and trust His hand.

      One of the most impactful ministries I have is to practice hospitality. I must remember that people are more important than perfection. 

      When teaching, speaking, or counseling, I should always consider how my words will benefit others, not think about how they will benefit me.

      I must put Sabbath rest on my calendar as an appointment or it won’t happen.

      Every chance I get, I should express gratefulness and champion those who lead in the church. We must present a united front, but not just present a united front; We must work toward truly being like-minded.

      It helps to take criticisms and constructive feedback to the Lord and ask Him, Am I being faithful to do what You have asked me to do?

      Before going into any ministry situation, I make it a habit to pray and acknowledge that it is the Holy Spirit who changes people and ask Him to do it.

      Sundays are information overload days. If I need to remember something that I talked about with someone, it helps to write it down as soon as I get home. If someone wants to get together, I never make plans on Sunday mornings. I ask them to email me so I can consider my schedule and priorities prayerfully.

      It is so important that I speak grace to other women often and loudly. 

      We must put family days on the calendar before the church calendar gets set.

      Sometimes the most refreshing thing I can do is to build relationships with nonbelievers or those who don't go to our church.

      A personal invitation almost always works better than an open invitation.

      It’s important that I’m vulnerable and open about what God has done in my life. I should share freely about past struggles and God's faithfulness in those. I should be vulnerable about my present struggles, but do so more carefully and with discreet, mature people. 

      Mistakes in Ministry: Performing

      I've made many mistakes as a ministry wife, most of which make me cringe when I recall them. My biggest mistakes are the overarching beliefs and heart attitudes that have affected my ministry throughout the years, the ones that have been difficult to shake.

      I share these to encourage you that you are not alone in your struggles, that His grace is sufficient for you, but also that you might avoid what has derailed my own heart and ministry. 

      The most pervading mistake in all of my years in ministry is this: placing priority on my role as the Pastor's Wife over my being a disciple of Christ.

      And this is what occurs when these roles are skewed: I perform. I play a role, performing for God, for others, and even for myself. I place more importance on the things that I do and how people respond to my performance than I place on abiding in Christ and letting Him produce fruit in my life. 

      Take, for example, my first attempts at teaching women. My husband being a college minister, I enthusiastically agreed to teach a class of college girls, because I thought I could

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