The Lonely Screams: Understanding the Complex World of the Lonely

The Lonely Screams

Understanding the complex world of the lonely

Sean S. Seepersad

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2011 Seepersad

Identifying information of individuals mentioned in this book (including names) have been changed to ensure anonymity.

Copyright © 2011 by Sean S. Seepersad

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or used in any manner without the explicit consent of the copyright holder except as allowed in the Fair Use Copyright Laws (title 17, US code). For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, please email Sean Seepersad, book@webofloneliness.com.

First Edition

ISBN-13: 978-1-4657-3330-6

For my family

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Preface

Chapter 1 - Sarah

Chapter 2 - Jack

Chapter 3 - Megan

Chapter 4 - Lisa

Chapter 5 - Louise

Chapter 6 - Elizabeth

Chapter 7 - Laura

Chapter 8 - Susan

Chapter 9 - Terri

Chapter 10 - Matthew

Chapter 11 - Emily

Chapter 12 - Justin

Chapter 13 - Jerry

Chapter 14 - Pat

Chapter 15 - Celeste

Chapter 16 - Isolation

Chapter 17 - Kristin

Epilogue

Preface

This book is based on the Web of Loneliness (WOL) website (www.webofloneliness.com), which has been around since 2001. The website is one of the premier websites that provide information and artwork about loneliness. It is very much a communal creation because people are allowed to submit their artwork (poems, music, and pictures) for publication on the website. Because of the success of the website and my desire to expand my ability to help the lonely, I decided to write this book. I wanted the book, like the website, to be communal creation with multiple voices of the lonely. Therefore I solicited autobiographical stories from visitors to the website. Individuals were offered the opportunity to donate their stories to me for publication in this book. If individuals were interested in donating their stories, they were asked to provide the following information: (1) the different stages of their life, and how they experienced loneliness at each of the stages, (2) how they coped with their feelings of loneliness, (3) their current situation and what keeps them lonely, (4) why they feel lonely, (5) how life events have caused them to feel lonely and why they cannot get out of feeling lonely, (6) what they need to stop feeling lonely, and (7) if they were lonely in the past but currently not lonely, what changed in their life to cause them to feel less lonely. It was left up to each individual to decide how much he/she wanted to answer for each of these questions. Over the years I received many such stories from a variety of different people, all of whom experienced loneliness in their own unique way. Unfortunately I was not able to include all the stories that were donated to me but I appreciate the wonderful contributions of everyone who took the time to write their stories for me.

Like visitors to the WOL, I hope that you will be able to identify with the stories in the book. Lonely visitors to the WOL gain some relief in being able to see that they are not alone in their feelings of loneliness. There is some immediate comfort in knowing that others have felt and experienced the same things. Other visitors to the WOL were motivated to seek answers either from me or from others about their own feelings of loneliness. As a result, about 6 months after starting the WOL, I created a discussion group where visitors who wanted to interact more with others had the opportunity to do so. That discussion group is now being hosted on a Ning social network (support.webofloneliness.com), which provides a multitude of ways to interact with others who also feel lonely. Like the WOL, there are opportunities to connect with other readers of this book to find and share you own answers to the puzzle of loneliness.

The book is called The Lonely Screams because each of these stories represents a lonely person’s cry for attention and acknowledgement. Each lonely person screams from their own pain of loneliness, but most of the time no one hears them and no one acknowledges their suffering. This book gives voice to the lonely, in their own words, so that others may begin to hear the screams of the lonely and acknowledge their suffering.

Having worked with lonely people and researched loneliness over a number of years, there are certain reoccurring themes that constantly emerge. This book highlights some of these common themes I see within individuals who experience loneliness. It allows for further explanation of these issues that I am not able to do on the website. Most of the people who decided to donate their stories to me did so because they hoped that in sharing their story others may learn from it. By gaining insight into loneliness hopefully readers can better deal with their own feelings of loneliness. I hope I do justice to their work and that it proves to be helpful to you.

I often tell visitors to the WOL that while everyone knows what loneliness feels like, everyone’s journey into loneliness is different. In this book, each chapter covers the unique journey of one person. At the beginning of the chapter I have reproduced the person’s story of loneliness in their own words. What you read at the beginning of each chapter is essentially the person’s story when he/she donated it to me. Much of the editing I have done to the story is in terms of spelling, grammar, readability, and to ensure confidentiality. I have pseudonyms for each donor and other people mentioned in the story. Exact names of towns may have been changed, but generally speaking, the country the person is from has remained the same. I have tried to translate some of the country-specific terminology, so that readers of different countries will have a sense of what each person is talking about. You are essentially, however, reading the person’s story in their own words and from their own perspective. What better way to gain a sense of a person’s journey into loneliness?

The second part of the chapter contains my perspectives on the person’s story. I tried to explain why this person is experiencing feelings of loneliness, how they got there, and what might be some possible ways out of loneliness. I tried to discuss both the person’s own specific story and more general concepts and themes around the idea of loneliness. I hope when you read the second part of the chapter you will be able to gain some insight into the person’s journey and also into your own life story as well. However, as a disclaimer, let me just say that the second part of the chapter is my perspective, not the absolute truth about the person or his/her story. I have taken an educated guess into why a person might be experiencing loneliness, but I could also be wrong. Even if my educated guess does not apply to that person, the rules and principles underneath the guess are research tested findings. So there is some truth in what I am saying, even if my educated guess is does not apply to that person. So, for example, I could say, this person has poor social skills and poor social skills can lead to feelings of loneliness. I might be wrong about the person having poor social skills, but the fact that poor social skills can lead to loneliness is still correct.

After reading the chapter, you may think to yourself, This really applies to me or I totally disagreed with what you said, or you may have some other thought you would like to express. Perhaps you want to discuss it further with others who have read the chapter too. I have created a website where you can go and discuss each individual chapter/person with others. This is an excellent way to connect with others who may be feeling the same way you do or who may have the same reservations you do. By all means, I encourage people to disagree with me, provide alternative perspectives, or further insight into the stories. The book merely represents a launching point into further discussions about loneliness and how it plays out in people’s lives. At the end of each chapter, you will see a link that will direct you to the online discussion group for that chapter. You will need to register first (create username/password) before taking part in the discussion, but your profile can be as anonymous as you like. The discussion groups are a subset of the larger WOL Ning social network I started in 2009. In addition to talking about specific chapters, you can participate in the larger group to discuss loneliness in general.

The book does not have to be read in a linear fashion. Each chapter is independent of the other chapters. It is a book that can be read in one sitting or with a busy schedule, you can take 10-15 minutes out of your day to read a chapter and gain some new insight into loneliness, relationships, and intimacy. Below I have outlined the chapters, a short synopsis of what each person’s story is about and issues that I talk about with regard to that person. It can serve as a guide in terms of how you would like to read the book.

Chapter 1, Sarah, is a story about growing up with bullying in school. The bullying, in part, stems from her being different with a cleft lip. She details the horrific bullying she went through, the failure of the school to properly address the bullying, and how she coped with this situation. She ends by talking about her experiences at university. In reviewing Sarah’s story, I talk about bullying and why people bully. Also I answer questions about why Sarah resorted to such extreme forms of attention getting, and how her past experiences currently influence her current thinking and behavior. To discuss more about Sarah’s story, join the discussion group at: http://support.webofloneliness.com/group/sarah

In chapter 2, Jack talks about his inescapable feelings of loneliness. He starts with his parents, who he believes also experienced chronic feelings of loneliness, and outlines how loneliness has played throughout his life. He is at a point where his life lacks meaning and he has resigned himself to feeling lonely for the rest of his life. In my discussion of Jack’s story, I ask the question, what would make someone conclude that loneliness is inescapable? Why would someone accept the fate of being lonely for the rest of his/her life? In Jack’s case, I talk about being true to ourselves and not trying to change who we are to fit in. To discuss more about Jack’s story, join the discussion group at: http://support.webofloneliness.com/group/jack

Chapter 3, Megan, is a story about someone who did not receive the consistent love and affection that she needed from her parents growing up. As a result, she had a deep desire for a romantic relationship as an adult. My analysis of Megan’s story talks about how the relationship with our parents can influence the types of romantic relationships we create with others. In Megan’s case, why we can get easily disappointed with the relationship if things do not turn out as planned. You can discuss more about Megan’s story here: http://support.webofloneliness.com/group/megan

Chapter 4 is about Lisa, a person who did not receive a lot of physical affection growing up. She describes just recently leaving a relationship and experiencing strong feelings of loneliness. In the process she is having second thoughts about leaving the relationship. Lisa’s romantic relationship reflects the often misguided motivations we have for getting into a relationship. I detail two destructive motivations that initially cause people to get into relationships but which ultimately cause its demise. Understanding these erroneous motivations can spare one a lot of heartache later on. Discuss more about Lisa’s story here: http://support.webofloneliness.com/group/lisa

Chapter 5 describes the story of Louise, a person who is trying to find a healthy balance between having her own independence and having a connection to a partner. Louise outlines the conflict she feels about wanting to have a partner and at the same time not wanting to give up her independence and freedom. My discussion looks at the stigma of being single and society’s expectations that adults should be married and have a family. I look at reasons why having some degree of independence and focus on oneself is important. I also try to explain some reasons behind Louise’s ambivalence towards relationships and her need for independence. You can discuss more about Louise’s story here: http://support.webofloneliness.com/group/louise

In chapter 6, Elizabeth talks about the painful experience of divorce and then getting remarried. Unfortunately for Elizabeth, her second marriage was not any better than her first marriage. I try to answer questions about what went wrong in her first marriage and why her second marriage did not result in a better experience. Discuss Elizabeth’s story: http://support.webofloneliness.com/group/elizabeth

Chapter 7, Laura, is a story about getting and then losing a father’s love, and then going through a series of romantic relationships. Beneath it all, Laura is coping with the series of rejections she has received throughout her life, starting with her father and then through the series of unsuccessful relationships. My analysis of Laura’s story talks about how Laura was raised as a child and how that affected the kind of person she is today. I also discuss the effect of repeated rejections on one’s personality. You can discuss more about Laura’s story here: http://support.webofloneliness.com/group/laura

Chapter 8 is Susan’s story, which details coping with her parents’ divorce, abandonment by her mother, and her episodes of bulimia. She spends some time talking about how she started with bulimia and then how it progressed in her life. Eventually she talks about how she got out of her vicious cycle of destructive behaviors and is slowly making some positive changes. My discussion of Susan’s story includes the idea that Susan desired to be unnoticed or invisible. I show how this theme has played out through her life and eventually how she was able to turn her life around. You can discuss Susan’s story in more detail here: http://support.webofloneliness.com/group/susan

Chapter 9, Terri, is the story about betrayal and being trapped in a relationship. After Terri betrayed the trust of her boyfriend, she was later forgiven but then became locked in a relationship with a suspicious partner. Terri is confronted with difficult questions about her future and where she would like to go. I talk about trust in a relationship and the importance of trust in making relationships work. I also discuss reasons why Terri might stay in a relationship that is slowly becoming more and more toxic. If you can identify with Terri’s story, discuss it here: http://support.webofloneliness.com/group/terri

In chapter 10, Matthew talks about being raised by an abusive mother and how being abused affected the kinds of romantic relationships he created. Specifically, how the abuse caused him to be in a loveless marriage for 38 years with an eventual divorce. One important thing I discuss about Matthew is how we are attracted to others with similar experiences. In Matthew’s case, he was attracted to someone who was also abused. I explain why being attracted to someone with similar negative experiences can be destructive. Discuss Matthew’s story: http://support.webofloneliness.com/group/matthew

Chapter 11, Emily, outlines the story of a