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    Eat the Food, Drink the Water and Kiss Your Ass Good-bye Travel guide
    Eat the Food, Drink the Water and Kiss Your Ass Good-bye Travel guide
    Eat the Food, Drink the Water and Kiss Your Ass Good-bye Travel guide
    Ebook115 pages1 hour

    Eat the Food, Drink the Water and Kiss Your Ass Good-bye Travel guide

    By John Dee and Katt Lynn

    ()

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    About this ebook

    If you have never traveled before; This IS Your Book!
    If you are a seasoned traveler; This Is YOUR Book!
    If you travel at all; This Is Your BOOK!
    John Dee, international explorer and Guide shares some important how to's and some not too important stories about travel.
    Eat, Drink and party your way around the world with author John Dee.
    This book's rating will be around PG 16.
    Here is the breakdown.
    Description of sexual acts none.
    Vulgar slang due to lack of creative verbalization.
    S word 0 times
    F word 0 times, but a close call once.
    H word 1 time
    D word 6 times
    A word five times unless you count the cover.
    P word 0 times for either gender.
    C word 0 times for both genders.
    If you wish profanity; this book just ain't going to do it for you, If you enjoy laughs give it a shot. If you made it this far you may as well read the Damn book.
    D word 7 times

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherJohn Dee
    Release dateMar 30, 2011
    ISBN9781452461618
    Eat the Food, Drink the Water and Kiss Your Ass Good-bye Travel guide
    Author

    John Dee

    Traveling the world for fifty years I picked up some "What ifs" along with a large amount of "it could have happened(s)," and smattering of truth is stranger than fiction. (not true)I am an Irish Texan born for yarn spinning.In the "Also" category; international tour guide, exploratory mineralogist, (did I spell that correctly?) and custom gemstone buyer.

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      Book preview

      Eat the Food, Drink the Water and Kiss Your Ass Good-bye Travel guide - John Dee

      Eat the Food, Drink the Water and Kiss your Ass goodbye Travel guide

      ****

      By

      John Dee & Katt Lynn

      ****

      Published by John Dee & Katt Lynn.

      Smashwords Edition.

      Smashwords Edition License Notes.

      This E-Book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only.

      You know the rest of this speech, so do what's right;

      Thank You.

      Copyright 2011 by John Dee & Katt Lynn.

      Table of Contents

      ****

      Legal Notice

      Forward

      Chapter 1: The Travel Test.

      Chapter 2: The Test Results

      Chapter 3: Before you Go

      Chapter 4: Visas. The State Department and other nauseating iguana guano

      Chapter 5: Pre Flight.

      Chapter 6: On the Flight.

      Chapter 7: What to wear?

      Chapter 8: Where to stay?

      Chapter 9: What to Eat?

      Chapter 10: Travel Stories.

      Chapter 11: The Three Little Piggy’s.

      Chapter 12: Sandias and High Water.

      Chapter 13: Sue’s Story.

      Chapter 14: Of Gila Monsters and Eagles.

      Chapter 15: Take a Chance, or Elizabeth and the Elephants.

      Chapter 16: Rancho Del Toro.

      Chapter 17: Fat Women and Skinny Chicks.

      Chapter 18: Green Garnet and Profit Margins.

      Chapter 19: Got to Have Balls.

      Chapter 20: Ring a Dink, Dink.

      Chapter 21: The Incredible Gold Nugget and Other Lies of Fame.

      Chapter 22: Whales, Dolphins, and Other Such Sociable Critters.

      Chapter 23: Who’s Growing What Where?

      Chapter 24: Horses and Revolutions.

      Chapter 25: Fire and Water.

      Chapter 26: The Bridge of a Thousand Steps.

      Chapter 27: Ash Trays and Ornaments.

      Chapter 28: A Sharp Idea.

      Chapter 29: Christmas in a Cave.

      Chapter 30: The Amazing Gold Fly Story.

      About The Author

      ****

      Legal Notice

      All persons, places and corporate entities are purely fictitious.

      Any resemblance to persons, places, or companies; living, dead, or bankrupt is purely coincidental and has no bearing on the truth. Because this is a fictional book.

      Hopefully meant for your enjoyment and if you can’t figure that out and want to sue me; Good luck.

      The above statement(s) are not exactly true, because I use real names in my stories, but to please the lawyers, I’ve got to stick the disclaimer in the book.

      Only you and me, will know that the names are real and we won’t tell; OK?

      FORWARD

      ****

      Where to start? Where to start?

      The first smart ass to say at the beginning may leave right now; I don’t want you reading my book.

      For your information smarty-pants; in the beginning, I was a squalling, stinking, drooling, diaper pooping brat, whose only concept of travel was from one side of my play pen to the other. My younger self didn’t truly start traveling until the age of three. By the age of four, this child could read a map and tell you how to get from point A to point B.

      Year five saw the future John Dee traveling on airplanes alone with a tag around my neck in case of a screw up changing planes.

      Around my sixth birthday, the I am going to tag was gone; either because little ol me could be trusted to make the connecting flight, or in the hopes that someone (yours somewhat truly) would get lost for good, along the route between Dallas and Bangkok. Never did figure which one it was. Cause; little Johnny didn’t get lost.

      Now that I’m starting to drool again, and before they put me back in a playpen and diapers; I figure that it is time to impart some of my dubious knowledge of having fun and thoroughly enjoying myself all over this cataclysmic rock, water, and gas spheroid; we call earth.

      According to the internet; my sixty years of wandering to and through every known and some scarcely recognized countries of the world, makes me eligible for a doctorate in bumming around.

      My girlfriend Elizabeth and the publishers of this book, have strongly voiced their opinion that someone, (namely me, again) try and not upset, irritate or flat annoy the people who have paid good money for this book. I will do my best, but can’t make any promises. Because basically I go by a simple rule; if the insult fits, wear it.

      Some very intellectual and beautiful people, feel that my participation as both tourist and townie in many of the most exotic locales of the world, qualifies me as Interlocutor, on the subject of travel. As for those who disagree with the experts; write your own book, then let the readers decide which of us is the highest educated primate, on the subject of travel.

      This manuscript will be divided into sections and my suggestion is that you follow them, in order; to safely navigate the book. Just kidding; you want safety, buy a bubble, get cable then plot a course on your remote control.

      Travel is supposed to be fun, exciting, different and above all; an adventure.

      If you want every place to be just like your home town of McClusky, North Dakota then stay there. Because I guarantee you, there is no other town in this great big beautiful world, the same as McClusky.

      Anywhere else will be too big, too small, too hot, too cold, too flat, too hilly, too, dry, too wet, too busy, too slow, too noisy or just plain too _______, you fill in the blank space, and scratch that too cold part. I’ve seen warmer days at the North Pole than you’ all got in McClusky.

      There will be a test in the next part of this book. If you fail it; give your book to someone that can use it. If you pass; then read on and I’ll attempt to find some other way to get rid of you.

      Chapter One: The Travel Test

      ****

      This test is the cumulative results of twenty years combined research from the Ethiopian brain surgeon’s guild and the Jivaro headhunter’s Local 134 retirement plan analytical team, so don’t attempt to cheat. Cheating has already been factored into the final score, which means if you are brain dead, passing this test might be a challenge; otherwise pat yourself on the back for an exam well done and celebrate getting an A.

      These will be multiple choice questions which should be answered by selecting the one that is closest to describing thou; even if you are clueless.

      1: When should you start celebrating the A you’re going to get on this test?

      A: I think I should wait until I have finished the examination, and then checked my score against the other participants who have taken this exam.

      B: Test? Nobody said anything about a test.

      C: We started celebrating when we bought the book.

      D: All of the above.

      E: None of the above.

      2: Where do you like to eat when you go out?

      A: I don’t go out to eat, because nobody can cook as well as my mother, which is why at forty-two, I am still single and living at home.

      B: There are a couple of restaurants in town that serve a pretty good meatloaf with mashed potatoes and gravy.

      C: I’ve tried all the restaurants in town and can’t wait for another one to open up.

      D: All of the above.

      E: None of the above.

      3: What is your taste in clothes?

      A: Anything mother, has bought for me; then washed, pressed, and put in my closet.

      B: Everything that advertises some cosmopolitan product, like tee shirts which have the Nike emblem on them or an alligator.

      C: Whatever no one else is wearing, if it’s in I don’t want it.

      D: All of the above.

      E: None of the above.

      4: How do you like to spend

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