Starting Over Again

Five stars, an excellent book. Do you like reading true stories? Are you inspired by books which talk about a person who overcomes incredible odds to achieve their goals? Have you ever been victimized by a man who wants to have control over all aspects of a woman's life? Maybe you know of someone who finds themselves in such a situation and they cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel. If you can answer yes to at least one of these questions, Starting Over Again is a must read book!

-- Lori Plach, www.readerviews.com

STARTING OVER AGAIN

By

Susan Voyles

SMASHWORDS EDITION

* * * * *

Starting Over Again

Copyright © 2008 by Susan Voyles

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.

* * * * *

My deepest gratitude goes to….

The Lord Jesus Christ who is my best friend and never left my side.

To all the people who loved and supported me during this time in my life, I want to say thank you. I will forever be grateful.

And especially to all the women who have suffered.

I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running and I'm not turning back. Philippians 3:12-14 (NIV)

* * * * *

STARTING OVER AGAIN

* * * * *

Chapter 1

Starting Over Again are three words that can be very devastating and frightening to think about. These words can symbolize the ending of one thing and a new beginning for another. When we get married, we take a vow we are going to be married to that person for the rest of our lives. What happens when your spouse comes to you saying they no longer want you, instead they want a divorce. For that moment in time your world stops, you suddenly go numb, cannot breathe or think. You cannot hear anything except those words, 'I don't want you'. You feel angry, rejected, betrayed and deceived. At first you are in denial. You keep telling yourself this is just a bad dream. Surely, he did not say that, let alone mean it. Still you see him packing his bags as he is getting ready to walk out the door. Now you begin to panic.

Many questions begin going through your head. What am I going to tell the children? How are they going to react to the news? Will they blame me or be mad at their father? What are people going to now think about me? Will my friends treat me different? What are they going to say at church? Will God still love me? After all God hates divorce. What about money, how am I going to pay for everything? The life two people built is now going to be mine alone.

He's about ready to leave and you begin to feel desperate. Your mind is scrambling. You're trying to think of anything you can say to make him realize the mistake he's making. You try to make him feel guilty by telling him how it is going to hurt the children. He tells you by getting the divorce it will be better for everyone. Especially the children since all the fighting and arguing will stop. You try to shame him by saying he is being a coward; a real man would stay and work things out. He says, We tried counseling several years ago and it did not work, remember? You remind him you only went once. How does he know if it will work? He didn't even give it a chance. One time will not fix anything. He tells you, It does not matter; the only way to solve our problems is by getting a divorce.

None of this is working, now your desperation is turning into anger. You cannot understand why he doesn't realize what he's doing or the pain this divorce will cause you and your children. You tell him, Fine, if he wants to leave go ahead. He will never see his children again. You know this is going to really make him mad and he is going to walk out, although at this time you do not care. That is what you want him to do. You are in shock and you're angry. This has completely caught you off guard. You really shouldn't be surprised though. It is not as though your marriage hasn't been in trouble for some time now.

You have so many emotions going on right now; you cannot form a logical thought. You begin to argue, he blames you and you blame him. All this time you are arguing, your children are standing there wondering what in the world is going on. You have temporarily forgotten about them as you desperately try to save your marriage.

To calm you down he tells you this is only a trial separation. He wants to see if your marriage can be worked out. This tactic works, as you calm down and tell yourself there is hope. You begin to think about all the things you can change about yourself. If you do this, it will make him happy. He will notice this change and want to come back home.

As he leaves taking his bags, you have this strange sense of happiness. You believe in a few days he will realize what he has done. He will miss the life he had and want to come home. What you do not know is, he never had any intentions to come back home. He was leaving you and walking into the waiting arms of another woman.

This is my story of how I took a journey through my wilderness on my road to redemption. A story of how two people changed the lives of many others who knew them. One man's betrayal cost one man his life, two children their fathers, and two families were destroyed. The price of one decision or action can be very costly. The devastation of a divorce does not only affect the people involved. It also has a ripple effect on the people they encounter in their lives. Before I can begin to tell you about my journey through my wilderness, let me first tell you how I managed to get to this point in my life.

* * * * *

Chapter 2

I met my husband, in March, on my twenty-first birthday. A friend of mine was working at a local motel bar her parents managed. She invited me to stop by after I got off work to celebrate. I was excited; this is a day we all look forward to, turning twenty-one and being able to legally drink. I was hoping I would meet someone because I'd lived in this town for almost a year and yet not managed to find anyone to date. Let's face it; I was feeling kind of sorry for myself. Here I was alone, my sister had recently remarried and all my friends seemed to have boyfriends or husbands. My self esteem was pretty low at the time.

Upon arriving at the bar there were several of Nina's friends already there having a good time. A few drinks and a couple of hours later in walked a friend of hers. It was Kenny and he was with his wife. He was tall, had dark hair and the most beautiful blue eyes you had ever seen. He had broad shoulders like a football player and muscular arms that you could just melt into and the whole world would disappear. Having worked all day I was just about to leave. Suddenly, when he walked in, the thought of being tired no longer existed. I was thinking to myself why are all the good looking ones married?

Watching all of them together was doing nothing to help my already low self esteem. Knowing that going home to an empty house meant spending another birthday without a man in my life. It was now closing time so I made a trip to the ladies room before going home. When I came out he was standing there waiting for me. My heart began to race when I realized he was interested in me. Why was fate doing this, he was married. He asked me, Can I have your phone number so I can call you? I responded by saying, I'm sorry, but you are married and I won't do that to someone else. Even though I really did want him, I did have some morals.

Before I went back to tell everyone good night, I knew I had to regain my composure. His wife was sitting out there. My heart was racing, my legs were shaking and I know the smile on my face was a mile wide. I knew if they saw me like this they would want to know what happened in the bathroom. We were the only two who went there and I had to get it together. I said my goodbyes and left to go home.

Before I could get to my car, there he was again. standing behind me asking for my phone number. I told him one more time he was married and I would not do that. He stood there looking at me with those big, beautiful blue eyes, saying, Please? I kept shaking my head, no. Finally, he turned around and went back inside. Whew, I dodged a bullet there. I was glad he left because I was very quickly losing my ability to say no. I was just about to give in and give him my number.

All the way home I kept saying to myself Lord, I have been praying for you to bring someone into my life and the only one who is interested in me is married. This is just not fair because I cannot have him. Now I knew the Lord had nothing to do with that meeting. It was the enemy playing on my weaknesses trying to take me to a place of destruction. Every good thing comes from God and this was not good. He was married.

Somewhere throughout our conversations that night I must have said I worked for a printing company. About three weeks later I got a call from him at home. I asked him, How did you get my phone number? He told me he'd been calling all the printing companies in the area looking for me. After calling several companies he finally found the one I worked at. They gave him my phone number so he took a chance and called me. He didn't know if I would remember him or not. I thought to myself, How could I forget those beautiful blue eyes?

I was thinking he must really like me. I will also admit I did like the attention he was giving me. It had been a long time since anyone was even remotely interested in me. I asked him how he was doing, if he was still married, and he told me he was. My excitement began to fade as I reminded him I would not have anything to do with him. He asked me, If get divorced, will you then go out with me? I told him maybe I would, but not unless he was divorced. I was trying to play it cool and not sound desperate. I did not think about what it was going to do to his wife. I was only thinking I would have someone and not be lonely anymore. I would finally have someone who would spend time with me.

This act of selfishness was all the devil needed to begin his reign of destruction in my life. This seed I just planted was going to bring me a harvest I did not want. I did not think at the time about what this man was really doing. I never thought about the fact, if he left his wife for me, he would one day leave me for someone else. I didn't even know her but I convinced myself I must be a better person than she is. Why else would he want to leave her for me? I must have something he wants that she is not giving him. If only I had a dime for every woman I've heard say this. I would have enough money to pay off the debt of the nation.

A few weeks went by and he called me again. This time to tell me he left his wife and he was temporarily staying at his brother's house. At first I was shocked because I didn't really think he would leave his wife just to go out with me. Now, here he was on the phone telling me he had. I did not know what to do because I told him I would go out with him if he left his wife. We must be careful what we wish for, sometimes we get it. I started to have feelings of guilt thinking about how his wife must be feeling. The pain she must be going through and it was because of me. If only I wouldn't have told him this maybe he would not have left her. I knew he said he was going to leave her, yet I did nothing to stop him. I could have encouraged him to save his marriage. Instead, I was only thinking about myself and what I wanted.

I know now he would have left her anyway. He had found out she'd had an affair with his brother. Even knowing this now, it still does not excuse what I'd did.

We began to talk on the phone every night. He wanted to come over to my house but I would not tell him where I lived. I wanted to take some time to know him better. I was also trying to satisfy my conscience by telling myself, I was not the cause of their marriage ending. I thought if I do not see him then I am really not going out with him. I knew what I was doing was the same thing but I was trying to justify it. I just wanted to have someone for myself, to marry me, and take care of me. In my old age of twenty-one, I'd managed to meet a few men whom I dated. But no one had shown this much interest in me. I convinced myself no one else ever would either. This was my one and only chance. I had to take it. I settled for the first thing that came along, instead of waiting for what God had for me.

In May, I finally told him where I lived. He worked the night shift so he would come over when I got home from work. He'd bring me flowers and we would go out to eat. I was so happy to have found someone who would do this for me. Finally someone was paying attention to me and I loved it.

We continued dating, seeing each other every chance we could. I told my parents all about this wonderful man I was dating. I didn't say anything about how we met or about his wife.

Just before the July 4th holiday, he suddenly stopped calling and coming by. Not knowing why, I would sit by the window just looking at the driveway praying he would come over. I kept checking the phone to see if it was working, but still it did not ring. This made me so depressed and I cried every night. I loved this man and I was so happy. Now he was gone and I didn't know why. I would replay every detail of the last few times we saw each other trying to figure out what went wrong. If