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    Step Back from the Exit: 45 reasons to say no to suicide
    Step Back from the Exit: 45 reasons to say no to suicide
    Step Back from the Exit: 45 reasons to say no to suicide
    Ebook140 pages1 hour

    Step Back from the Exit: 45 reasons to say no to suicide

    By Jillayne Arena

    3.5/5

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    About this ebook

    Too many people can't imagine one good reason. This book offers 45. Direct, practical, compelling, easy-to-read essays offer hope to those facing the blind alleys and bottomless pits of life. Arising from the author's struggle with suicidal thoughts, these short essays range in diversity from Marilyn Monroe to William Stryon, from guilt to vitamins, and from bad manners to bad genes. While acknowledging the depth of pain that brings people to consider suicide, this book asks them to wait. Additionally, this book's rare glimpse into this world has helped physicians, counselors, police, teachers, chaplains, researchers, family and friends further understand the suicidal psyche.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherJillayne Arena
    Release dateNov 3, 2013
    ISBN9781311902320
    Step Back from the Exit: 45 reasons to say no to suicide
    Author

    Jillayne Arena

    Jillayne Arena has a master’s degree from the University of Pennsylvania and a bachelor’s degree from the University of Wisconsin-Madison. She makes her home with her husband and wishes her grown children were closer. Each day has been a gift of the ironies and absurdities one can only see with a survivor’s eyes. She has taught college level Management classes, coached a middle school forensics team to a State championship, rehabbed a Frank Lloyd Wright house, found relatives back to the 1700’s, and run a hot dog stand to benefit high school athletics. She has sewn dozens of quilts and her daughter’s wedding dress, nursed her parents, buried dead birds, written Letters to the Editor, campaigned for politicians promising better health care, knocked together flat pack furniture, and grown some pretty amazing geraniums. She prays for those who read her book that they might step back.

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      Book preview

      Step Back from the Exit - Jillayne Arena

      What Others Are Saying about Step Back from the Exit

      "This ‘insiders guide’ to surviving depression is interesting and engaging. For those wanting to understand melancholy, this book presents a narrative from the heart. For those who already understand it, this book provides an example of determination to endure."

      —Denise Valenti-Hein, PhD

      Clinical Psychologist

      "... Poignant and so worthwhile. The thoughts are alive with hope and, above all, logic."

      —Jean Beckley, MLS

      Library and Media Specialist

      "This resource has the potential to significantly benefit the care of the suicidal person by serving as an adjunct to pharmacology and professional therapy and by sensitizing the physician and involved medical personnel to the suicidal psyche."

      —Ann Meier, MD

      Step Back from the Exit

      45 reasons to say no to suicide

      Jillayne Arena

      Copyright 1995, 2013 by Jillayne Arena

      Smashwords Edition, License Notes

      This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      Acknowledgments and permissions are located after the epilogue and form an extension of this copyright page.

      All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

      Cover/Book Design: Jennifer Zehren, Montgomery Media, Inc.

      Cover Photography: David R. Olson

      The author of this book does not dispense medical advice nor prescribe any treatment without the advice of a professional. The author intends only to offer general information to help you cooperate with your health care professional in your mutual quest for health. In the event you use any information in this book for yourself, you are prescribing for yourself, which is your constitutional right, but the author and publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

      Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 95-94711

      ISBN: 0-9647340-0-1

      To

      David, Joseph, and Carolyn

      Thank You

      To Carol, Don, Marilyn, Jean, Gladys, Deborah, Joni, and Denise for their comments and support.

      To my husband’s family. The Arena clan is a treasure of love and loyalty.

      To the Milwaukee Public Library, its staff , and the hundreds of writers in their stacks who encouraged and inspired my journey.

      To the Reader

      Thank you for being with me while I was writing. Every time I turned on the computer, you were there. Without you, I wouldn’t have written a line.

      The suggestions in this book are not substitutes for professional advice. You deserve competent assistance with your specific needs; I pray you will find helpers and that you will work with them.

      This book was written in bits, then loosely organized like a desk drawer: paper clips, bobby pins, and brass clasps in one bin, rubber bands, pony tail holders, and barrettes in another; duct tape and super glue are off to the side. Just open the book and rummage around until you find something you can use to hold yourself together.

      contents

      Preface

      1. It’s Serious

      When I consider my feelings seriously, others can too.

      2. It’s a Joke

      When everything feels too serious, I need to look for the ironies and absurdities in my life.

      3. Mister Rogers

      People can like me just the way I am.

      4. Finality

      There are many experiences I could never have, including hugging my bear.

      5. My Therapist

      My death would make my therapist sad. If I can’t imagine that, it’s time to find a new therapist.

      6. Chemistry

      I might have a chemical imbalance that the right psychiatric drugs could make less severe.

      7. Vitamins

      I may have a vitamin deficiency.

      8. Insomnia

      Sleep deprivation is an ancient form of torture. If I haven’t had a restful night, I shouldn’t make irrevocable decisions.

      9. Genes

      There may be a genetic link to suicide.

      10. Escape

      Alcohol and other drugs can lower my inhibitions and allow my suicidal feelings to defeat me.

      11. Courage

      The world needs more, not fewer, people of determination and courage who have faced death and said, not yet.

      12. Perfectionism

      To think the world would be perfect without me is perfectly ridiculous.

      13. Control

      Maybe I need to learn that I can’t control everything.

      14. Risk to Others

      There is a risk I might kill a would-be rescuer, innocent bystander, friend, or family member in my attempt.

      15. Funerals

      Funerals are expensive.

      16. I’m Not God

      Suicide implies I know everything, but I’m not God.

      17. Sin

      Committing suicide is a sin and Hell might be worse than this.

      18. The Devil

      The devil can’t make me do it, but he may be trying.

      19. Being

      I am a human being not a human doing.

      20. Bad Manners

      Committing suicide is like dropping in on God without an invitation.

      21. Unseen Forces

      Unseen forces, such as the moon’s gravity or the length of sunshine in a day, may be affecting my mood.

      22. Choices

      Other choices exist, including making no choice at all.

      23. Ghosts

      I might end as a ghost in limbo, like Dickens’ Jacob Marley, and have no recourse from my decision.

      24. Regret

      Those with near-death experiences after suicide attempts report regret for what they did and a renewed commitment to life.

      25. Reincarnation

      If there is reincarnation, I might have to come back and suffer this again.

      26. Role Model

      Whether I like it or not, I am a role model, who discourages and encourages others by my behavior.

      27. My Children

      Day care for my children is more expensive than therapy.

      28. Friends

      Suicide disturbs even casual acquaintances of the past and present.

      29. My Husband

      My husband could never find everything he needs to file the income taxes.

      30. Love

      Suicide denies me the opportunity to find out how much love is in the world and in myself.

      31. Success

      What if I die when I only meant to cry for help?

      32. Failure

      What if I live and severely disable myself when I wanted to die?

      33. Law

      Suicide is against the law and for good reason.

      34. Shame on Me

      Even a court should not decide if I deserve a death sentence for my behavior.

      35. Shame on Them

      Someone else’s abusive behavior should not mean a death sentence for me.

      36. Stories

      Society, by definition, includes the stories of everyone, even the most despicable person: me.

      37. Marilyn Monroe

      Marilyn Monroe was glamorous; her suicide was not.

      38. Heroism

      Suicide denies me the chance to be my own hero, my own rescuer.

      39. Magic

      There may not be hope right now, but something magical or miraculous might happen any minute.

      40. William Styron

      Author William Styron is a hero to those who survive severe depression and suicidal thoughts.

      41. Recovery

      The highest priority is survival, not the overwhelming details of life.

      42. E-motion

      Sometimes what I do to make myself feel better makes me feel worse.

      43. Gift

      Although my life looks worthless now, I am curious to discover its worth.

      44. Suffering

      There is meaning in my suffering and I want to find it.

      45. Truth and Lies

      Suicide is a lie and cover-up. I want to learn the truth.

      Epilogue

      preface

      You cannot make yourself feel something you do not feel, but you can make yourself do right in spite of your feelings.

      —Pearl S. Buck 1

      It is hard to say when I had my first suicidal thought. Was I a child, a high school student, or a college student? I cannot remember, but I know that by the time I started my first job after graduate school, suicidal thoughts were with me daily; gradually, relentlessly increasing in frequency until every minute they questioned my continuing existence.

      Over the years, I responded to these thoughts in a variety of ways. I found some useful ways to cope (like taking vitamins), some useless strategies (like taking a bubble bath or restyling my hair), and some downright harmful responses (like drinking a tumbler of Chianti). Above all, I argued with myself, jawboned myself back from the edge, and kept the knives out of sight. As time dragged on and the assault of suicidal thoughts continued, my arguments grew into a whole litany of reasons for staying alive.

      At one point during this struggle, I began writing down the arguments that helped me postpone my exit. Because the thoughts occurred over such a long period, I developed a long list. When one reason wasn’t enough to hold back the black night, I would search for another and another, and the list would grow. The list became my flashlight, my amulet, my teddy bear.

      If a reason could have changed my feelings, I wouldn’t have needed a list. I cannot control my feelings, but my reasons helped me control my actions. They calmed me down, kept me going, and bought me the time I needed to reach out for help and to understand the feelings behind these thoughts.

      Like Kevin in the movie Home Alone, I contended with

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