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    Barney's Guide to Training Humans: An owner's manual for cats
    Barney's Guide to Training Humans: An owner's manual for cats
    Barney's Guide to Training Humans: An owner's manual for cats
    Ebook73 pages38 minutes

    Barney's Guide to Training Humans: An owner's manual for cats

    By Michael Yoder

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    About this ebook

    Barney's Guide to Training Humans: An owner's manual for cats is a humorous exploration from a cat's perspective on the proper training and management of humans. As humans we have clearly only survived through time with the guidance and magnanimity of our patient four-legged masters.

    The guide looks at everything from human anatomy and babbling speech (we are not well designed), to plotting revenge against humans who leave, to the mysterious world of the "hallway" and the odd quirky things we humans do to frustrate the cat's harmonious life.

    Barney is a task master and does not suffer humans gladly. His advice to other cats is one of accepting the complete ineptitude of humans - as long as we have thumbs.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMichael Yoder
    Release dateSep 5, 2013
    ISBN9780992029906
    Barney's Guide to Training Humans: An owner's manual for cats
    Author

    Michael Yoder

    I live in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada. Barney's Guide is my first foray into Ebooks. Previous writing has included editorial articles, human interest stories and blog writing.

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      Book preview

      Barney's Guide to Training Humans - Michael Yoder

      Introduction

      We’ve tolerated humans for thousands of years and will likely have to continue this unpleasant practice for another several thousand years; until that day when we evolve opposable thumbs and can annihilate them as a species.

      This manual will assist any cat to learn the basics on how to properly care for and train your human. From Siamese to those patchwork things with long hair, any cat with half a brain can completely subjugate a human making napping easier and life more carefree. My great-great-great-great-great-great-(you get the idea)-grandfather Barnhotep V was revered by humans and was entombed with the Pharaoh of his day (I can’t remember the Pharaoh’s name and it doesn’t really matter as he was a human).

      Our history with these creatures should be studied carefully and it should be noted that we’ve been successfully keeping humans for a very, very long time.

      General Human Anatomy

      The human is generally a large, uninteresting and dim-witted creature. They are gangly and slow moving, choosing for some inexplicable reason to walk on their hind legs. Barely able to lift a finger, they can leap not much more than a couple of feet in the air. They have no apparent fur except for a patch of the top of their heads and some of the male ones on their bodies, but to compensate for this they cover themselves with fabric (clothing) – which is good because a naked human is really, really ugly.

      According to our researchers the human brain is approximately the size of a pea surrounded by a completely empty vacuum. Thus, they cannot acquire simple skills or complete tasks without constant repetition. Do not be afraid to scold your human as needed: we have determined they have limited mental and emotional capacity.

      Human eyes have tiny round pupils. This makes it impossible for them to see in the dark, but can be a source of some amusement when you want to trip them – which is easy – kittens are especially good at tripping humans, surprisingly without killing them.

      Human ears are placed on the sides of their skulls. This placement is awkward in that they can’t hear the slightest thing and we are forced to yowl very loudly to get their attention, or knock over various items (we’ll discuss this technique in a future chapter).

      Humans come in various shapes and sizes and are reliant on various creations (that cats ultimately inspired) to maintain their health and safety. These items include the house, window, door, sofa, bed, closets, refrigerator, stove, supermarket, toilet and every other household items as well as electricity and fireplaces, the television and the internet.

      If it weren’t for cats, humans would likely have become extinct millennia ago.

      Human forepaws are oddly shaped with short claws and long fingers. They have no need to scratch as they will never be able to kill or maim the tiniest thing with those useless long digits. Fingers can be useful when you are being petted, but otherwise they seem to serve no real purpose. The most important feature

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