Sorry is not Enough, Infidelity and Betrayal in Couples and Couple Therapy

Sorry is not Enough

Infidelity and Betrayal in Couples and Couple Therapy

Sorry is not Enough, Infidelity and Betrayal in Couples and Couple Therapy

Published by Ronald Mah at Smashwords

Copyright 2013 Ronald Mah

Ronald Mah's website- www.ronaldmah.com

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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Linked Table of Contents

Abstract

Chapter 1: SORRY IS NOT ENOUGH

Chapter 2: CAUSES OF INFIDELITY

Chapter 3: PREVALENCE

Chapter 4: POTENTIAL CROSS-CULTURAL ISSUES

DEMOGRAPHICS

INFIDELITY TRIGGERS EVERYTHING

Chapter 5: TYPES AND FUNCTION

ONE NIGHT STANDS

EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY

GENDER & EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

REGULAR OCCASIONAL LIAISONS

LONG-TERM PARALLEL RELATIONSHIPS

AFFAIRS WITH A PURPOSE

TRANSITIONAL DEVELOPMENTAL AFFAIRS

HYPERSEXUAL BEHAVIORS & PARAPHILIAC AFFAIRS

POST-MARRIAGE/PRE-MARRIAGE AFFAIRS

AFFAIRS TO STABILIZE RELATIONSHIPS

Chapter 6: CHARACTEROLOGICAL ISSUES

PERSONALITY DISORDERS

PATTERNS OF INFIDELITY

Chapter 7: PARTNER & RELATIONSHIP CHARACTERISTICS

ASSUMPTIONS & MOTIVATION

RELATIONSHIP STABILITY, LOGIC, AND FIDELITY

RELATIONSHIP QUALITY

COMMITMENT: FACILE, DESPERATE, UNQUALIFIED, & QUALIFIED

VOLITION & SATISFACTION

Chapter 8: INITIAL STAGES OF AFFAIR AND THERAPY

TURMOIL

SETTING BOUNDARIES

SELF-CARE

TIME-OUT & VENTING TECHNIQUES

DISCUSSING THE IMPACT OF THE AFFAIR

COPING WITH FLASHBACKS

NO MAJOR DECISIONS

Chapter 9: RECOVERY & HEALING

INDIVIDUAL HISTORY AND ASSESSMENT

THERAPIST CONFIDENCE

THERAPY FROM CLINICAL JUDGMENT

Chapter 10: FORGIVENESS AS PART OF RECONCILIATION

AUTHENTIC & INAUTHENTIC FORGIVENESS

JUDGMENT, CONDEMNATION, & FORGIVENESS

ACCEPTANCE VS. FORGIVENESS

Chapter 11: TRANSPARENCY

INTENSE SCRUTINY

CONTINUED INFIDELITY & SECRECY

HUMANIZING THE AFFAIR PARTNER

Chapter 12: CONTEXT FOR INFIDELITY

WHY?

THEORETICAL FORMULATION OF INFIDELITY

BETRAYAL UPON BETRAYAL

Chapter 13: TRAUMA & TRUST

TRANSITION FROM VIGILANCE TO TRUST

Chapter 14: OLD PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR

LOGICAL INFIDELITY

THE RELATIONSHIP AFTER INFIDELITY

CONCLUSION

Bibliography

Other Books by Ronald Mah

Biographic Information

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Abstract

Despite social, cultural, and personal standards of monogamy, affairs remain prevalent in many committed couples. Possibly the most difficult challenge in couple therapy, infidelity in a committed couple can manifest in a variety of forms and for a variety of reasons that reflect the personality and issues of unfaithful partners. The therapist is guided in making accurate assessment of causes and types of affairs leading to therapeutic strategies. Reality that apology no matter how sincere is not enough for recovery lead to areas of clinical exploration. Gender and cultural standards and differences are differentiated as well as characterological issues including personality disorders in the assessment process. Authentic and inauthentic forgiveness in recovery, along with acceptance as an alternative approach/process are examined for reconciliation, as well as the roles of the unfaithful partner and the offended partner in creating the context of infidelity. Immediate considerations at the beginning of treatment including boundaries, decision-making, and discussing the impact of the affair lead to issues of intense scrutiny, transparency, flashbacks, trauma, and assessment of commitment along with etiological considerations such as attachment losses, social modeling, and family-of-origin dynamics that guide the therapist to identify the logic of infidelity and thus, the logic of recovery.

Link to Table of Contents

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**Author’s Note: Other than public figures or people identified in the media, all other persons in this book are either composites of individuals the author has worked with and/or have been given different names and had their personal identifying information altered to protect and respect their confidentiality.

Chapter 1: SORRY IS NOT ENOUGH

Cathy found the e-mail trail. The arrangements for liaisons, the hotel reservations, and the flirtatious messages were exactly what and where she had known they would be. Surprised but not surprised. It did not make sense, yet there was some sense to it. Something had not felt quite like it was supposed to be. Not for a long time. Cathy sensed it a couple of years ago, but she was going through so much at the time physically and at work. Aidan was the CEO of his mother’s family non-profit foundation. She had been with him all the way as he managed the corporate career turmoil, changes, organizational battles, and community politics from his graduate studies through shifting from the corporate world and becoming the CEO of the foundation. They were a team, but Cathy had always consciously subordinated her career to his career needs. It made sense to her from her family and cultural background. She had no resentment about it. It was part of the family plan as much as having two children, choosing to live in a diverse politically progressive urban community, and picking their spiritual community. Cathy had done her part and definitely did not think or feel she deserved to be cheated on.

Aidan was an overachiever and workaholic because of his passion for his work. Both his parents were high achievers. His father was the CEO of a publishing company and his mother while a Vassar College graduate was the housewife in a traditional sense. In actuality, Aidan’s mother ran the philanthropic foundation for educational and cultural opportunities for disadvantaged girls that her mother and father had founded. She was from a time and place where wives did not work, but could be dedicated to charitable ventures along with managing household affairs. Basically, she was a CEO as well of the foundation in function, though initially not in title. Aidan had gotten his MBA and worked the corporate world for several years before eventually returning to work for the family foundation. He had started by helping organizing fundraising functions, where his gift for gab and considerable charm was well received. The foundation was his passion and it became clear early on that he was destined to become the official CEO. At fifty-two years of age, he had been with the foundation for twenty plus years, and the CEO for ten years. He was the face of the foundation and deeply involved in fundraising among the well-to-do community and corporate donators. He was a pillar of the community- an affluent suburb near a financial and information technology metropolitan center. For everything Cathy knew him to be, she was stunned to find that he was an adulterer. Based on everything Aidan held himself to be, he was just as much at a loss to explain why he violated their marriage vows.

Aidan had a two-year affair with Tina, the head of a city department that the foundation worked with through several programs. The city department and Tina as its head interfaced with both of their work worlds. She was a professional colleague and friend who had shared their social, political, and community spheres of activity. Aidan, Cathy, Tina, and Tina’s first husband had been undergraduates in different colleges at the same time in Boston together. They first met volunteering for community and political functions. The families, including Tina’s second husband and children had socialized together over the years as they found themselves settling in the same area. One of each family’s children went to the same prestigious independent school overlapping a couple of years. Aidan and Cathy were aware of Tina’s personal relationships over the years. They knew that Tina had some relationship issues previously, but none of it had affected them. Cathy had never considered her to be a threat to her and Aidan’s relationship. Tina was just a mutual friend… a professional community friend, and not even a particularly close friend. Aidan had never shown any particular interest in Tina or did anything to indicate that he thought her attractive. Having an affair was bad enough, but Aidan having an affair with Tina was just crazy to Cathy.

Raising children, careers, work politics, and more stress swirled around Aidan and Cathy. A quick look could attribute life stresses for causing what they had managed successfully individually, as a couple, and as a family to break down. Yet, there was nothing that they individually and collectively had not handled before. In the mix somehow, Aidan had an affair… an affair with a friend. When Aidan and Cathy arrived in therapy, they wanted help to see if they could stay together. Aidan was deeply remorseful and wanted to do anything to keep the marriage. He said immediately upon Cathy confronting him about the affair, he knew that keeping his marriage with Cathy was the most important thing in the world for him. Cathy had heard this, but could not understand how staying faithful to her was not important enough just the minute before revelation, much less the two years before- the duration of the affair. Aidan admitted that if undiscovered, he would have continued the affair. He had no plans to end the affair, but now being with anyone but Cathy was out of the question. Adam apologized profusely to Cathy. Cathy could only say, Sorry is not enough.

Cathy as the offended partner wanted to understand these seemingly nonsensical assertions. She wanted to know the cause of infidelity. The unfaithful partner often knows some of the feelings and thoughts, but has trouble identifying and articulating them. He or she has particular trouble expressing them clearly enough and often becomes more stressed and confused under the pressure of the relationship’s continuation at stake. Sometimes, the unfaithful partner truly does not understand his or her feelings, thoughts, choices, and behaviors leading up to and then subsequent to the affair. This was true of Aidan. The therapist is tasked to uncover the reasons and then, proceed use them to facilitate the partners’ process. The pressure therapeutically lays heavy upon the therapist as the couple asks him or her to save their relationship. Or, at least to help them figure out if their relationship can continue.

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Chapter 2: CAUSES OF INFIDELITY

Winck and Craven (2003, page 251) list, in addition to systemic perspectives about what can cause infidelity cite a list from Glass and Wright (1992):

sexual attraction,

gratification of unmet sexual needs,

gratification of unmet psychological needs (need to be mothered, fathered, nurtured),

gratification of unmet social needs (mating with someone of a higher social status),

as a bridge to escape an unsatisfactory marriage (dependent person with or without children),

to fulfill a need to conquer or to dominate the opposite sex,

for power or control issues,

to fulfill a need for love or to culminate an already loving relationship,

to fulfill extraordinary sexual drive or sexual compulsion

for purposes of revenge,

as a result of alcohol, drug related, or other impulse control problems or disorders,

as a result of liberal sexual values, and

as a result of opportunity (e.g., job-related travel, physical separation from a spouse, or frequent contact with potential partners).

These and other potential causes need to be examined from different perspectives for every couple. Cathy wanted to know why Aidan had the affair. And Aidan was hard pressed to explain why he strayed from his monogamous marital vows and his personal moral standards. These explanations for infidelity can be seen as excuses or reasons. As excuses, they serve to absolve the unfaithful partner of responsibility. If the unfaithful partner’s excuses are accepted or tolerated by the offended partner, the couple may continue in a strained and dysfunctional manner. Or, if the offended partner is not satisfied, that is not soothed or reassured to be able to trust, risk, and invest again, the relationship ends. Aidan had no excuse for his affair, and Cathy despite her compulsion to understand how he could betray her, the children, and himself would brook no excuse anyway. On the other hand, if the potential causes are seen as reasons that precipitated greater vulnerability towards progression to infidelity, they can help the partners gain the understanding they need to recover and heal. As opposed to excuses, which indicate being stuck or powerless with no course of action, reasons can be targeted to be problem solved. For any unfaithful partner such as Aidan, some combination of these and other reasons influenced his or her choice to betray the committed monogamous relationship. Understanding the causes is a key major step for recovery and healing. Working through and working on the issues is essential so that vulnerability to infidelity does not continue, reassert, and develop again. Rather than simple answers or a choice or selection of causes or reasons influencing infidelity, therapy and the recovery and healing process can be extremely complicated as layers of individual and couple’s dynamics are revealed. Aidan’s violation was simple enough, but his and Cathy’s individual and partner dynamics had many strata of contributions.

In addition to identifying causes, the therapy and recovery and healing process must deal with another intrinsic violation of the relationship. Fundamental rules of the committed monogamous relationship include truth, honesty, transparency, or no withholding secrets from each other. The unfaithful partner has not only broken the commitment of emotional and/or sexual fidelity, but has also misled, lied, and deceived the offended partner- perhaps, for years. Cathy had been deceived for a minimum of at least two years- the duration of the affair. But she was not sure if deception had been a part of their relationship much longer. Thus, infidelity is at least a dual violation of the couple’s covenant. An affair in fact, involves multiple transgressions by the unfaithful partner of the relationship rules (as will be discussed later). Dealing with any type of deception is a challenge for both the deceiver and the deceived partner. The deception is both hiding secret feelings and thoughts, while also hiding a secretive behavior or a set of behaviors. What had Aidan been feeling all along that Cathy had not been aware of? The unfaithful partner must explain how and why he or she deceived the unsuspecting partner in addition to the decision to cheat and what led up to or caused it.

When deception has been discovered by the partner, the deceiving partner typically uses one or more of "12 general strategies to manage the discovery of deception, including

(a) telling the truth;

(b) providing an excuse (denying responsibility);

(c) providing a justification (denying the pejorative nature of the information or the deception);

(d) refusing to explain when asked (denying the event occurred);

(e) evading the issue during conversation;

(f) apologizing;

(g) soothing the partner;

(h) using impression management techniques (strategic presentation of saddened, repentant, or guilty image);

(i) invoking the relationship as a reason to forgive and forget;

(j) making efforts to reaffirm or strengthen relational bonds;

(k) using relational rituals (e.g., giving gifts, flowers, or cards); and

(l) talking explicitly about the deception and its impact on the relationship" (Aune et al., 1998. page 678).

These strategies to repair the relationship are implicitly and explicitly attempted after infidelity is revealed within the couple’s relationship and possibly facilitated in couple therapy. Making excuses, justifying infidelity, refusing to explain, or denying the affair may work to maintain a relationship, but unlikely to enable the couple to recover and heal. The relationship may continue in some dysfunctional mutually unfulfilling manner. A couple such as Aidan and Cathy may remain together for months, years, or to the end of natural life with enduring or volatile pain simmering shallowly or deep below the surface. Or, some complicit agreement to stay together or ignore the affair may only delay inevitable degeneration and collapse of the relationship. The other nine strategies, despite greater positive potential however are also no guarantee that the couple can recover and heal from the profound deception of infidelity in a monogamous committed relationship.

How an affair or the infidelity of a partner or spouse in a committed monogamous relationship or marriage is perceived affects how it will be approached and treated, including in couple therapy. The unfaithful partner may try to explain the infidelity as an occurrence or an incident. A mistake- that is, an unprecedented mistake and therefore, a mistake not to reoccur with appropriate care and vigilance. If on the other hand, it is seen as the unfaithful partner having an individual moral or character flaw or being a moral failure, then the offended partner needs to determine if the flaw is intractable or can be mitigated. In therapy, treatment strategies looking at characterological origins will focus on uncovering the unfaithful partner’s issues and dealing with his or her behaviors. As a moral failure on the part of the unfaithful partner, recovery and healing can take on a moralistic quasi-religious orientation. The sin or transgression of the committed relationship or marital vows therefore requires acts of contrition, confession of wrongdoing, and atonement or amends. The unfaithful individual asks for (begs for) forgiveness. The offended partner is required essentially to either accept or reject the unfaithful partner’s request for forgiveness. Regarding the viability of the relationship, as a result the offended partner more or less holds the whip hand in the relationship.

From a slightly different and related causation perspective, infidelity can be seen as the consequence of the unfaithful partner’s problematic personality, addiction problems, and/or developmental issues such as attachment anxiety. On the other hand, the couple rather than just one partner may be perceived as having infidelity and the affair seen as a systemic issue in the relationship. The affair often makes a mockery of the offended partner’s assumptions about the relationship: trust, love, loyalty, commitment, truth, and more. He or she does not and did not know what was real or false from the beginning to the explosive revelation of infidelity. Therefore, the dynamics of the partners in the relationship become the target of clinical intervention. Often critical to the dynamics between the partners are the various societal and cultural influences that they had internalized along with family models of individual and relationship interactions. Infidelity thus may be seen also as a systemic manifestation of cultural values about sexual behavior in the larger society.

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Chapter 3: PREVALENCE

The breaching of monogamous sexual contracts between committed partners may be more common than assumed by the general populous. There may be significant differences in standards for male versus female fidelity. Infidelity is not just a male behavior, nor does it automatically lead to the end of marriage or the relationship. Almost a third of all marriages may need to confront and deal with the aftermath of extramarital affairs, and the statistics for women are quickly catching up to those of men (Zur, 2012). Individuals from all types of backgrounds can have affairs outside the committed relationship: men or women, gay, lesbian, straight, various ethnicities and religious backgrounds, young and old, rich and poor, the powerful and the downtrodden. Greater social accessibility using social media online has facilitated connections among individuals who previously would have never encountered one another. The apparent anonymity of using false or created online identities and personas may have created a heretofore, unprecedented temptation and vulnerability to infidelity. Some view online affairs as one of the biggest threats to marriage. With the Quadruple A engine of accessibility, affordability, anonymity and addiction, the Internet population seems to be exploring sexuality in ways that are unprecedented. However, like other forms of infidelity, Cyberaffairs and cybersexual encounters can be a symptom of an underlying problem that existed in the relationship before the Internet ever entered the couple's lives (Young et al., 2000, page 71).

Although affairs or infidelity is common in many societies, they do not necessarily destroy the relationship. Relationships may survive because of cultural requirements and/or the lack of options to separate. This would mean staying together with emotional trauma and ongoing dysfunction. On the other hand, marriages and relationships may persist and possibly become stronger as a result of dealing with underlying issues that had not been and would not have been addressed otherwise. Rather than igniting destructive forces and behaviors, infidelity may motivate formative actions that challenge emotional, psychological, spiritual, and intellectual dynamics to heal and grow. "Many famous people have publicly dealt with their marital infidelity. These include presidents, such as Roosevelt, Kennedy, Clinton and Jefferson, and other public figures, such as Prince Charles, Princess Diana, Marion Barry, Gary Hart, Martin Luther King and television evangelist Jim Bakker. Actors have long provided endless material for tabloids on affairs and infidelity. Some more known examples are Bill Cosby, Sophia Loren, and Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn’s life-long affair. Correspondingly, many movies have dealt with affairs,