Psychology for Parents: Birth to Teens

Psychology for Parents: Birth to Teens

Faye Carlisle

Published by Faye Carlisle at Smashwords

Copyright 2013 Faye Carlisle

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for the recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Psychology for Parents: Birth to Teens

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 Discipline and moral development: Parenting style, smacking, discipline strategies, rewards and punishment, self-control, tantrums, parent-child interaction therapy, cheating, boasting/bragging, stealing, lying.

Chapter 2 Personality: Temperament traits, Developing independence, The Big Five personality traits.

Chapter 3 Intelligence: Music and intelligence, emotional intelligence, social skills, hothousing, giftedness and acceleration, self-control.

Chapter 4 Family Size and Siblings: Only children, larger families, parental wellbeing, sibling rivalry, birth order effects.

Chapter 5 Play: Importance of play, play therapy, aggression and play.

Chapter 6 Role models, gender stereotypes and the media: Role models, gender differences, television and computers, computer game addiction.

Chapter 7 Language and Education: Language development, baby-signing, learning to read, learning a second language, preschool education, school starting age, teaching through play, school refusal, left-handed and ambidextrous children.

Chapter 8 Attachment: Forming an attachment, security blankets and teddies, a mother’s needs, breastfeeding and attachment, tuning into your child’s emotions.

Chapter 9 Sleep: Sleep training, nightmares and night-terrors, sleep requirements.

Chapter 10 Eating: Baby-led weaning, fussy eaters, obesity, restricted diets, eating together.

Chapter 11 Potty Training: Day-time training, night-time training.

Chapter 12 Going back to work: When to go back to work, child-minders, nurseries, grandparents, nannies, good quality childcare.

Chapter 13 Teenagers: The teenage brain, sleep problems, social networking, developing an identity, parenting style, parental monitoring and lying, drugs, developing independence, sexuality, peer group, shoplifting, examination anxiety, mindfulness, career planning.

Chapter 14 Special Needs: Autism, dyslexia, dyspraxia, ADHD.

Chapter 15 Problems: Bullying, divorce, step-parents, death.

Chapter 16 Mental health issues: Anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, anorexia.

References

Introduction

When I became a mother I noticed that there was a gap between child psychology textbooks and ‘how-to’ parenting books. My aim in writing this book is to present psychological research on parenting in accessible way. Some parts of this book are quite academic as I try to present psychological evidence in a non-biased way. However, I do offer my personal opinion in the commentary sections. This book does not need to be read in order. If you are a parent with older children picking this book up for the first time, you probably want to skip the chapters on attachment, potty-training and going back to work and focus on the chapters on discipline, intelligence and personality. I have written this book as a reference guide, which I hope you will leave on your bookshelf for many years. It can then be referred to when your child does become a teenager or if you are presented with a problem such as bullying.

Chapter 1: Discipline and moral development

Parenting style

The current era of supernanny and naughty steps suggests that we should all be much stricter with our children. Parents may worry that they are not following through. At the same time, we are less likely to smack our children than before. So is the common sense view that being kind but firm the best way to bring up a child? Research suggests that taking the middle ground in terms of discipline is the most effective way. Baumrind (1971) theorised that there are three parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative and permissive. Authoritarian parents are unyielding parents who expect their instructions and orders to be obeyed without question. They are more likely to punish their children for misdemeanours than other parents and offer fewer explanations. Children whose parents adopt an authoritarian approach are more likely to rebel or distance themselves from their parents as they grow older (Thomson et al. 2003). Authoritative parents set clear boundaries for their children but are less likely to use punishment as a form of discipline. They are also more likely to use praise and rewards. They are responsive to their children but also have high expectations for behaviour. This type of parenting is related to children feeling a sense of responsibility for their actions and the children are less likely to rebel when they are older (Baumrind, 1971). On the other hand, permissive parents, who find it difficult to say no to their children and to explain suitable behaviour, are more likely to have children who go off the rails as teenagers. Children of permissive parents are more likely to engage in risky behaviours that put themselves in danger and are more likely to take illegal drugs or drink heavily and behave badly a school (Lamborn et al., 1991). Therefore, it is important to strike a balance between being understanding and kind and setting clear boundaries. The key characteristics of an effective parent are: warmth and involvement, clear communication of expectations, reasoning, allowing your child to voice their opinion and general pleasantness (Robinson et al., 1995). Some parents can be too controlling, critical, restrictive or punitive. At the other extreme, parents can be too relaxed and ignore their child’s misbehaviour (Robinson et al. 1995).

Smacking

Gershoff (2002 ) examined 88 studies conducted over the last 62 years looking at the effects of hitting children. The 88 studies looked at everything from aggression to mental health. They found that when parents hit their children, the children were more immediately compliant. However, the children displayed more aggressive and anti-social behaviour later on. They also had worse mental health and had an increased risk of being a perpetrator or victim of physical abuse. Another study found that children who had been physically punished by their parents were far more likely to be aggressive as teenagers (Cohen et al., 1990).

Gershoff (2002) gives the example of a parent who spanks their child for running into the street. The parent intends the child to learn that such behaviour is dangerous, yet the child may only learn that he or she should not run into the street when the parent is around. Furthermore, the child may experience anger, fear and distress from being smacked and this may prevent the child from understanding their parent’s message. Gershoff’s analysis has been criticised for including studies where children reported particularly harsh physical punishment from their parents. Critics suggest that there is no conclusive evidence that mild to moderate smacking causes harm to children between 2- to 6-years-old (Baumrind et al. 2002). However, as there are alternative discipline strategies to smacking, it may be better to use these.

In a different study, Gershoff (2010) compared different types of discipline strategy. They included 1) Teaching your child about good and bad behaviour such as ‘you must not hit’ 2) Getting your child to say sorry 3)Giving your child timeout or sending them to their room 4)Taking away privileges 5)Hitting your child 6)Saying you are disappointed with your child and that his/her behaviour hurt your feelings 7)Telling your child they should be ashamed of themselves 8)Raising your voice at your child by yelling or scolding them 9)Telling your child you won’t love them anymore if she/he acts a certain way 10)Threatening punishment 11)Promising a treat or privilege for good behaviour.

They found that hitting children, yelling at children and frequent expressions of disappointment were related to children being more aggressive. They also found that giving timeout, hitting children, expressing frequent disappointment and shaming children was related to children having greater anxiety symptoms. This study suggests that teaching your child about good and bad behaviour, getting them to say sorry, taking away privileges and giving rewards for good behaviour are the most effective discipline strategies.

Commentary:

Discipline is difficult to get right. Sometimes I have been too strict with my son and other times too lenient. Timeout can be difficult to implement if your child keeps leaving the place you have put them in, never shouting at your child is difficult to achieve and sometimes it is inevitable that you will show disappointment in your child. Gershoff’s research gives us some guidelines as to what type of discipline parents should focus on but in reality; parents are going to make mistakes.

Rewarding good behaviour with marbles in a jar

One of the most successful methods I have used for rewarding my son’s good behaviour is putting a marble in a jar for good behaviour and then when the marbles reach the top of the jar, giving a reward. The method works by telling your child that he/she will receive a special reward once their marbles reach the top of the jar. For example, I once took my son to Thomasland when his marbles reached the top of the jar. However, it doesn’t need to be an expensive treat just something your child really wants and is prepared to work towards. At quite a young age my son would consistently get his own pants and trousers on, brush his teeth, wash his hands after the toilet and get ready for bed quickly, all things I was struggling with before I tried the marble in the jar method.

‘I have started taking my son’s toys away for bad behaviour and returning them for good behaviour but it doesn’t seem to be working.’

Try not to mix up rewards and punishment. Separate negative consequences from rewards as giving toys back for good behaviour might undo the lessons you are trying to teach your child when you removed the toys in the first place. You can continue to remove toys for bad behaviours and agree to return them after a day/week. At the same time, you should reward good behaviour in a different way.

How to discipline your child using 1, 2, 3 Magic.

This is a method where you give your child three warnings for bad behaviour and if they continue, you give them a consequence such a timeout or taking away a toy. So how does it work exactly? Well the first time your child does something you don’t want them to do, you say ‘That’s 1’, the second time you say ‘That’s 2’ giving them time to stop their bad behaviour but if they continue you say ‘That’s 3’ and follow it with a consequence. By having a three-step system, it allows the child time to try to change their behaviour. Your child will soon learn to stop many of their bad behaviours before you get to ‘That’s 3’. Remember that for the system to work you have to be willing to go to 3. It won’t work if you start saying that’s 2 ½, that’s 2 3/4.

‘I have tried 1, 2, 3 Magic but it doesn’t seem to be working on my 3-year old son.’

You may be going through the three steps but with too much explanation. For example, you might be saying ‘Stop throwing your food on the floor’ followed by ‘If you don't stop throwing your food, you will go into timeout’. However, moving to just saying ‘That’s 1, 2 or 3’, gives you more authority and your child less room for argument.

How frequently should you give rewards?

Most parents find that giving rewards consistently helps improve their child’s behaviour. For example, giving stars to your child, every time they get ready for bed quickly or giving pocket money for performing certain chores round the house. However, giving a few random rewards every now and then can also improve behaviour. For example, you might treat you child with a magazine for an excellent piece of homework.

Skinner was a famous psychologist who carried out experiments looking at how certain behaviours can be learnt by giving rewards. He found that the most effective way of giving rewards was to give them randomly. This is why many people become addicted to gambling because every now and again they do win money. The variable frequency of the rewards makes gambling more addictive. On the other hand, when rewards are given regularly, for example, every week, good behaviour in the middle may lapse as it is not specifically rewarded.

Be careful about rewarding helpful behaviour. Some studies suggest that children are more helpful if you do not reward them with anything tangible such as a toy (Fabes et al., 1989). It is better to reward your children with praise for helpful or kind behaviour.

Beyond rewards and punishment

Alfie Kohn believes that both rewards and punishment cause problems for children as they are just ways of manipulating children’s behaviour. He argues that when children are rewarded for behaviour they begin to think only about what they can get from a situation. Kohn suggests that it is better to ask children to think about what they are doing and explain to them why you want certain behaviours from them. For example, you might talk to them about why it is important for the whole family to eat dinner together.

When children understand the reasons why they should behave a certain way they are more likely to behave well. Internal motivation is more important than external rewards and punishment in changing behaviour.

Commentary:

Realistically, it may not be possible to change a young child’s behaviour through rational explanation. Sometimes young children need quick rewards or punishment to incentivise them to behave well. You can make sure that you explain to your child at the time of the reward or punishment why you wanted them to behave in a certain way. For example, when you place your child on the naughty step you might say ‘How do you think the other children felt when you wouldn’t sit down during the play that they had worked hard on?’

Why is teaching your children self-control so important?

According to psychologists, teaching children self-control is the key to success in life and physical and mental wellbeing. Studies show that self-control is a far better predictor of academic performance than IQ and that children with low self-control are more likely to become criminals.

So how can parents improve their children’s self-control? Young children need to be able to recognise their own feelings first before they can control them. If parents reflect back what children are feeling at different points in time then it helps children to identify and later control their own feelings. Many nurseries and preschools now teach children to recognise facial expressions but parents can teach children about different emotions at home too by drawing simple facial expressions or using books that talk about different emotions. Parents can also role play how to deal with different situations such as sharing or aggressive behaviour. However, once children are over 2 years old, psychologists recommend using timeouts, not so much as a punishment but as a time for your child to calm down and improve their sense of control. After the age of 6, children can be encouraged to walk away from frustrating situations themselves for a few minutes to cool off. By the time children reach secondary school, they are better able to understand and analyse their own feelings so they can be encouraged to stop and think before reacting to situations.

Commentary:

I first tried using timeout to discipline my son at 2-years-old but with little success as he kept getting out of the place I put him in. After a few attempts I gave up and tried the method again when he was 3-years-old. As I hadn’t used timeout when he was younger apart from a couple of times, my son would react very strongly to being put in timeout. He would often have a major tantrum and throw things everywhere. However, as he got used to being placed in timeout, his reaction did become less explosive. Psychologists recommend using timeout once chidren are over 2-years-old, not so much as a punishment but as a time for the child to calm down and improve their sense of control. When I first started using timeout regularly, I would often angrily put my son on the naughty step and shout ‘stay there’. Later on, I realised that a gentler voice was more effective and I would lie him down on his bed and tell him that he needed time to relax with his teddy. The recommendation is to put your child in timeout for the same number of minutes as their age; so if they are 3-years-old, you should put your child in timeout for 3 minutes.

Children also need parents who demonstrate self-control. Parents who shout and lose their own tempers regularly are not able to show children how to behave with self-control. Explaining to children why you feel annoyed or angry is a better solution. This is easier said than done, when your child is hitting you and you’ve been up in the middle of the night. However, setting clear boundaries and giving your children consequences for their actions without losing your temper is more effective than just shouting.

It is also useful for parents to talk through how they deal with frustrating situations, for example, if you lose your phone, you could explain out loud how you are going to find it to your children.

Tantrums

Tantrums are most common in children between the ages of 18-months-old and 4-years-old and occur more frequently in active and determined children. Frustration, tiredness, hunger and boredom can make tantrums more likely. Major tantrums can involve serious aggression, breath holding, head banging and destruction of objects (Potegal and Davidson, 2003). It can be disturbing for parents to watch a major tantrum, especially as they can last a long time. Parents can also find themselves getting angry if their child becomes violent towards them. Even minor tantrums such as stamping feet, screaming and crying can be difficult to deal with especially in public places such as a supermarket.

Tantrums can be reduced through:

1) Humour e.g. ‘Abracadabra, let me magic up an ice cream for you.’

2) Diversion e.g. ‘Let’s read this book now.’

3) Avoiding difficult situations e.g. not taking your child to the supermarket when they are tired.

4) Ignoring minor bad behaviour so that discipline does not become a power struggle.

5) Replacing ‘no’ with