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    18 Plays For Untalented Actors
    18 Plays For Untalented Actors
    18 Plays For Untalented Actors
    Ebook166 pages1 hour

    18 Plays For Untalented Actors

    By Robert Crayola

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    About this ebook

    Everything you need to begin your lifestyle as an actor: 18 short plays by Robert Crayola.

    "These scenes were designed with the neophyte actor in mind. Most theater requires effort, practice, timing, and skill. Not these scenes. I have done the hard work so that you can sit back, relax, and let the theater magic take care of itself. It really is that easy. Just give the lines a once over, show up, and I will take care of the rest. When it's your turn to speak, read the lines. You can read them loudly or just mumble them and mispronounce the words. Really, you don't even need to speak aloud at all. I have so infused these scenes with my genius that it's a wonder you even need to show up." -- Robert Crayola, from the Introduction

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherRobert Crayola
    Release dateNov 27, 2012
    ISBN9781301055364
    18 Plays For Untalented Actors
    Author

    Robert Crayola

    Robert Crayola is the author of numerous educational guides and videos, plus the following works: COMICS Prince Pander (2014) The Pubic War (2015) Batman LSD: The Living Nightmare (2016) Star Wars: Vader & Son (2016) ILLUSTRATED BOOKS & STORIES William Blake's Songs of Innocence and Experience (2011) The Little Girl and the Little Boy (2016) The Past is Still Happening (2016) There Is No Government (2016) SHORT FICTION Savage Tales (2013) DRAMA 18 Plays For Untalented Actors (2012) NONFICTION Cheat Codes For Life (2010) FICTION Dr. Jew (2010) Ueda Sensei Solves Crimes of Depravity and Perversity (2011) Ueda Sensei Vomits on the Garbage of Humanity (2012) Ueda Sensei Castrates the Insidious Underground (2013) SHORT TEXTS Prayer Magic: Conversations With Reality (2008) Vipassana Meditation: My Experiences at a 10-Day Retreat (2012) ALBUMS Alpha Cat (2011)

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      Book preview

      18 Plays For Untalented Actors - Robert Crayola

      18 Plays For Untalented Actors

      by Robert Crayola

      Smashwords Edition

      Copyright 2012 Robert Crayola

      https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/robertcrayola

      ****

      BY ROBERT CRAYOLA

      Novels

      Dr. Jew (2010)

      Ueda Sensei Solves Crimes of Depravity and Perversity (2011)

      Ueda Sensei Vomits on the Garbage of Humanity (2012)

      Ueda Sensei Castrates the Insidious Underground (2013)

      Comics

      Prince Pander (2014)

      Short Fiction

      Savage Tales (2013)

      Drama

      18 Plays For Untalented Actors (2012)

      Nonfiction

      Cheat Codes For Life (2010)

      William Blake's Songs of Innocence and Experience (2011)

      Short Texts

      Prayer Magic: Conversations With Reality (2008)

      Vipassana Meditation: My Experiences at a 10-Day Retreat (2012)

      Albums

      Alpha Cat (2011)

      twitter.com/robertcrayola

      youtube.com/user/panthersahib

      TABLE OF CONTENTS

      Introduction

      A SLEEPY MAN

      DMV

      CUT OF THE LAND

      A NEW VIOLENCE

      SENSAHUMOR

      BREAD ALONE

      CRIMINAL DAYDREAM

      CLEAN JACK THE GUN BANG

      TRAVELS IN MY MOUTH

      JOCULARITY

      THE SURRENDER

      NAKED GREED OF THE FLESH

      SKIPPING

      LAST CHRISTMAS

      WHO'S ERICA?

      ALIEN SISTER

      SUPER POWERS

      MONEY QUEST

      INTRODUCTION

      In my eight years as theater director of the Anne Ramsey Conservatory in Brooklyn, New York, I had many gifted actors under my belt, and nurtured many in their formative roles: Don Lemuel as Falstaff, Bianca Semperverde as Carmen, and Stephen Dimension as the Elephant Man, to name but a few. All of these actors (and the hundreds of others I have worked with) came to me with little or no experience. They were untalented. This is not a judgment. It is a fact. Everyone is born without talent, and only by the careful hammering of the keys of life can one bring out the unique fingerprint of ability that lurks within. That is what I did with them.

      We did not begin with stellar roles. We did not begin with roles at all. We began with scenes, existential miniatures carved not from the theater of the past, but from the wellspring of my own dementia. I gave these actors a study and set them to it. It did not matter if the scene looked like petty hackwork on paper – it was designed to nurture, and that is what it did, through the magic of Robert Crayola and the theater.

      Perhaps you too are untalented and want to see what you're capable of. Great! You hold in your hands the very key that unlocked ability for the actors named above. With a little practice and patience you might one day find yourself on Broadway or in Hollywood surrounded by other talented folks. Wouldn't that be exciting?

      These scenes were designed with the neophyte actor in mind. Most theater requires effort, practice, timing, and skill. Not these scenes. I have done the hard work so that you can sit back, relax, and let the theater magic take care of itself. It really is that easy. Just give the lines a once over, show up, and I will take care of the rest. When it's your turn to speak, read the lines. You can read them loudly or just mumble them and mispronounce the words. Really, you don't even need to speak aloud at all. I have so infused these scenes with my genius that it's a wonder you even need to show up.

      What is important is that you think about the author, me. Discuss me with your theater buds, talk about me on the internet, and correspond with learnéd men to know their opinion of me (don't believe them when they say they have no opinion). Buy copies of my works and distribute them to everyone you know (they make great stocking stuffers). Get the juices working and do not take no for an answer! Only by hashing it out with my genius will you instinctively know the way to behave when the curtain rises and you perform your part.

      Conflict is the core of these scenes. Sometimes that means violence (If this disturbs you, I suggest you turn back now and buy one of my other books instead – all the others are rated PG). That violence takes a variety of forms, involving things we have all encountered: waiters, incestuous relations, narcolepsy, aliens, etc. Even if you have not experienced these scenarios yourself, you have surely come across them in your TV/video game life. They will serve to sharpen you like a knife, and when the time comes for you to play Stanley Kowalski, Lady Macbeth, or the Venus Flytrap from Little Shop of Horrors, you will be ready.

      You may become so fascinated by these scenes that you want to meet the author and work with me directly. Unfortunately, that is no longer possible. Following the unfounded harassment charges brought on by a conspiracy of my female students, I chose to step down as theater director and emigrate to Mexico for a time and devote myself to writing. Perhaps when the charges are dropped or the statute of limitations expires I will return to the American theater world... who knows?

      For now, let my words be the helping hand on your back. Become these characters! Live the dream! And when you start winning awards and the cash is pouring in, remember that you owe it all to me.

      God bless.

      Robert Crayola

      Chiapas, Mexico

      November 22, 2012

      A SLEEPY MAN

      Characters

      Derek

      Clod

      Delilah

      William

      Val

      Simon

      Theresa

      Scene 1

      Scene: An office. DEREK is at his desk with his head down, sleeping. Enter CLOD.

      CLOD: Derek, wake up.

      [DEREK doesn't move.]

      CLOD: [slams fist onto desk] Wake up!

      [DEREK stirs.]

      DEREK: Whuh?

      CLOD: I've got some news for you. We've got to let you go.

      DEREK: Is this about my condition?

      CLOD: That line may work on the softies, but not me. You're just lazy. Pack your things, and don't steal the stapler.

      [Exit CLOD.]

      DEREK: Why would I steal the stapler? I don't even like staples!

      [DEREK falls asleep on his desk. Darkness.]

      Scene 2

      Scene: A living room with couch, chairs, and a small coffee table. DELILAH sits on the couch eating a pear. Enter DEREK.

      DELILAH: Why so early? Were you tired again?

      DEREK: Of course I was tired. They let me go.

      DELILAH: Well, if you need sleep.

      DEREK: You don't understand. I'm fired.

      DELILAH: But... we won't get any more money from them.

      DEREK: I'm working on a solution in my head.

      DELILAH: How are we gonna feed William?

      DEREK: Where is he?

      DELILAH: Sleeping. Like father like son.

      DEREK: Good. Let him sleep. The last thing he needs is to see us worry about money. That could scar him forever.

      DELILAH: You'll find a job. I just read an article.

      DEREK: So?

      DELILAH: About jobs. It said you should do work that fits you.

      DEREK: Gosh, what fits me?

      DELILAH: You like to sleep. Maybe someone could pay you for that.

      DEREK: That's ridiculous. No one would pay me to sleep.

      DELILAH: The article said –

      DEREK: Damn it, Delilah, I don't care what the article said! I can't work like this. I'm always tired. Even now, I just want to sleep.

      DELILAH: Aren't there drugs? I've read about drugs.

      DEREK: I don't... I don't know. I'm not a scientist.

      DELILAH: If you were a scientist you would have a job. You would be a scientist.

      DEREK: That's true. I've never been a scientist. I don't even know any.

      DELILAH: But if you did...?

      DEREK: Why, if I knew a scientist I could ask him if he knew about jobs for sleepers.

      [Enter WILLIAM.]

      WILLIAM: Why are the parents so noisy? I could not sleep.

      DEREK: [laughter] It seems we have opposite problems, my boy. Why don't you go out and play?

      WILLIAM: Will you play catch ball with me, Dad?

      DEREK: No. I'm tired! Ask the mom.

      WILLIAM: Mom?

      DELILAH: No. I'm a woman.

      WILLIAM: Maybe I can ask that new neighbor boy.

      DEREK: What the hell are you talking about?

      WILLIAM: The new child in the neighbor dwelling. His age is close to mine. We may have much in common.

      DEREK: That's a thought.

      [Doorbell rings.]

      DEREK: What's that sound?

      DELILAH: Our doorbell.

      DEREK: What does it mean?

      DELILAH: Someone should answer.

      DEREK: Let the boy. Put his mind off troubles.

      DELILAH: Go, William.

      [WILLIAM opens the door. It is VAL.]

      WILLIAM: Speak of the devil.

      DELILAH: Is it the devil?

      WILLIAM: No, it is the neighbor child we so recently spoke of.

      DELILAH: Invite him in. He can eat the rest of my pear.

      WILLIAM: Will you come in?

      VAL: My parents told me not to talk to strangers.

      WILLIAM: What do you think you're doing now? What did you think would happen when you knocked on our door?

      VAL: I did not knock. I rang.

      DEREK: He's right, you know.

      VAL: Thank you.

      [VAL enters and sits right next to DELILAH.]

      DELILAH: You aren't shy.

      VAL: No. Just being here. It is rebellion.

      DEREK: You're a rebel then?

      VAL: Maybe.

      DEREK: Why are you here, rebel?

      VAL: My name is Val.

      DEREK: Why are you here, rebel?

      DELILAH: Derek, stop practicing cruelty. Here, Val, you may enjoy my pear.

      VAL: May I eat it?

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