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    Delightfully Twisted Tales: The Wide, Wide World of Weird (Volume Seven)
    Delightfully Twisted Tales: The Wide, Wide World of Weird (Volume Seven)
    Delightfully Twisted Tales: The Wide, Wide World of Weird (Volume Seven)
    Ebook93 pages55 minutes

    Delightfully Twisted Tales: The Wide, Wide World of Weird (Volume Seven)

    By Nicky Drayden

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Experience three times the twisted tales in this triple volume!

    Star-crossed lovers test the strength of their relationship at a gator farm...in outer space, a pair of teens hunt for deals on jeans at a Gap store run by zombies, mobster plants put the shakedown on an irresponsible gardener, a young dragon gets into the holiday spirit by burning down villages and snacking on the unchaste, plus much, much more! This delightfully twisted collection of nine previously published short stories and three original works contains more weird than you can shake a stick at, even if you happen to be very skilled at stick shaking.

    Also available by this author:
    - Delightfully Twisted Tales: Close Encounters of the Worst Kind (Volume One)
    - Delightfully Twisted Tales: Fire, Fangs and Brimstone (Volume Two)
    - Delightfully Twisted Tales: The Weirdos Next Door (Volume Three)
    - Delightfully Twisted Tales: Wisps, Spells and Faerie Tales (Volume Four)
    - Delightfully Twisted Tales: Love and other Filthy Habits (Volume Five)
    - Delightfully Twisted Tales: Family Antimatters (Volume Six)
    - Delightfully Twisted Tales: The Wide, Wide World of Weird (Volume Seven)

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherNicky Drayden
    Release dateSep 2, 2012
    ISBN9781476160849
    Delightfully Twisted Tales: The Wide, Wide World of Weird (Volume Seven)
    Author

    Nicky Drayden

    Nicky Drayden’s short fiction has appeared in publications such as Shimmer and Space and Time. She is a systems analyst and resides in Austin, Texas, where being weird is highly encouraged, if not required. Her debut novel, The Prey of Gods, was a best of the year pick by Book Riot, Vulture, and RT Book Reviews.

    Read more from Nicky Drayden

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      Book preview

      Delightfully Twisted Tales - Nicky Drayden

      DELIGHTFULLY TWISTED TALES:

      VOLUME SEVEN

      THE WIDE, WIDE WORLD OF WEIRD

      by

      Nicky Drayden

      SMASHWORDS EDITION

      * * * * *

      PUBLISHED BY:

      Nicky Drayden on Smashwords

      Copyright © 2012 by Nicky Drayden

      Lego Alligator Photograph by David Ashleydale, Creative Commons

      http://www.flickr.com/photos/davidandreasen

      Discover other Delightfully Twisted Tales by Nicky Drayden:

      Volume One – Close Encounters of the Worst Kind

      Volume Two – Fire, Fangs and Brimstone

      Volume Three – The Weirdos Next Door

      Volume Four – Wisps, Spells and Faerie Tales

      Volume Five – Love and Other Filthy Habits

      Volume Six – Family Antimatters

      Volume Seven - The Wide, Wide World of Weird

      Smashwords Edition License Notes

      This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.

      * * * * *

      TABLE OF CONTENTS

      Of In-laws and Close Encounters

      The Last Pharmacist

      The Aubergine Wok

      The Undying Fans of an Unknown Cover Band

      Lilitol the Curmudgeon

      Double Rations

      The Mysteries Within

      Seed Money

      Welcome Home

      A Stitch in Space-time

      Nayani

      Skinny Jeans of the Zombie Apocalypse

      OF IN-LAWS AND CLOSE ENCOUNTERS

      BY NICKY DRAYDEN

      First Published by Untied Shoelaces of the Mind, 2011

      Mai huddles up close to me, her breath soft against the back of my ear. We squirm futilely on our stomachs, trying to find a position both comfortable and with a clear view of the dingy gray screen at the foot of her sleeping tube.

      Can't we do this in Comm Proper? I ask her, shimmying forward to gain a smidge more shoulder room. This would be easier on my turf--in uniform and with the glitz of the communications array alight in the background. But instead, we're here, where my credentials mean nothing.

      Dad likes his privacy, Mai says, shrugging.

      I bite my lip, trying to forget the anxiety pounding in my chest, trying to keep these stark white walls from closing in on me. Mai's quarters are cramped, barely fit for one person to sleep, nearly impossible for lovers to meddle, though through persistence and practice we've found a way to make it work over these past two years.

      The screen flickers, a rain of static, then it resolves into the vague silhouette of half a man. I cringe as Mai bangs the console with the meat of her palm, but the image clears. The sight of her father sets a chill in my teeth--a brawny man submerged in a galvanized tub, water lapping at his pale, broad chest.

      Daddy! Mai squeals. She kisses her fingertips and gently presses them to the screen. Sometimes I forget how delicate she can be when she's not clad in the bulk of her security uniform.

      Hi, Darling dear. Mr. Cheng smiles at her, though I notice the pits of his eyes are firmly trained on me.

      Daddy, this is Sean, you remember, the one I told you about? The officer.

      Mai nudges me when the silence stretches thin.

      Hello, Mr. Cheng, I croak. I shift awkwardly, and before I can get in another word, there's a strange rumbling from his side of the comm., followed by fart bubbles rising from his murky bath water. I grit my teeth, force a smile, but the man doesn't bother to apologize.

      So you're the one boning my daughter...

      Daddy!

      Suddenly, the 30,000 light years separating us doesn't seem like quite enough. My breath catches in my throat, the taste of Vero-Avalon's eternally recirculated air stale on my tongue.

      Of course not, sir! I would never consider such a thing.

      You're saying that you don't find my daughter sexually appealing? His grating voice echoes through me.

      Not at all, I only, uh--

      Daddy, we only have a few minutes.

      Mr. Cheng grunts, farts again, then it's my move. I gather my wits, trying to form a sentence worthy of a communications officer, though I'd settle for not sticking my foot further in my mouth.

      Sir, I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage. She makes me happy, and I make her happy, and I plan on doing so for as long as I'm breathing.

      You're in love, then? Mr. Cheng asks.

      Madly, sir.

      Hmmm. A bit scrawny for an officer, aren't you?

      I can hold my own.

      I survive the onslaught of extremely pointed questions prying into the details of my life. My parents, my schooling, the money I've got in savings. I can't help but feeling like Mr. Cheng has spent a great deal of time and effort scrutinizing me down to my genetic sequence. And after all of it, when I finally think I've made it through the worst, my manhood shriveled but otherwise intact, I get a ping on my mail--the personal one, not the dummy one published in the space station's directory.

      A little gift, Mr. Cheng says. The screen goes gray, the ghost image of Mai's father still burning through subspace.

      A gift? See I told you Daddy would like you. Mai speaks softly, but the sour tune of dread in her voice doesn't escape me. The bulge in my throat tightens as I bring up the mail on the console display--a gift certificate for Big Al's Gator Farm and Waffle House--best breakfast found this side of the Cascade, located on a dingy little swamp planet just a day's shuttle jump from here.

      Neither of us mentions that he hadn't given us his blessing.

      * * * * *

      There's just two things you need to know about gator wrestling, Big Al says as he leads us past a pool of stagnant water, flies buzzing at reptilian eyes poking just above the surface. Big Al holds up his index finger. One, never let them sense your fear, and two-- he raises the stump of a middle finger. Never take your eyes off the business end of a gator.

      We approach a slightly bigger pond with a juvenile gator sunbathing on the mucky bank. I think maybe I'll have a chance against an opponent this size, but Big Al leads us right past it.

      You don't have to do this, Mai says, tugging at my sleeve.

      But I do. Her father had thrown down the gauntlet, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life squirming under his judging eyes. This will prove that I'll be a loving, committed, responsible husband, even if it kills me in the process.

      It's probably easier than it looks, I mumble as Big Al stops at the third pond. A beast of a

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