Illusions: Sometimes the Eyes See What the Heart Wants

1

I stared at him. My expression was almost challenging him. He licked his thin lips and swallowed. Thomas was usually the color of Folgers right out of the can, but at this moment he was the shade of death itself: pale and sickly. I continued to watch the man I love shift like he had gas. I almost felt bad. Almost.

Are you sure? he stuttered.

Excuse me?

Well...I mean...how do you know?

I frowned, shook my head like I thought he was the dumbest creature on earth and laughed at him.

Maybe because it’s common sense that when Aunt Flo doesn’t come to visit and I’m getting busy on a regular basis, maybe that means I’m pregnant. Of course I know! I was pissed. How dare he ask me some petty, juvenile, weak ‘How do you know?’ crap.

Thomas studied me for a few moments without saying a word. Then it came: Is it mine?

I lurched out of my seat and practically ran to the door. If he wanted to be disrespectful, he could get the hell out of my house. As soon as I yanked the door open, inviting cool air into my stuffy condo, neighbors that were lounging poolside gawked at me. Conversation ceased and water stopped splashing in both the pool and hot tub. Almost every neck made a snapping sound as they turned to witness my theatrical life. I didn’t give a damn. Normally in public I make sure to at least pretend I have some sense, but I was so angry at this point I didn’t even care if I received a notice from the homeowners association.

By the time Thomas caught up to me, grabbed my arm so hard I thought it would rip out the socket, and told me to stop acting like a damn child and chill the fuck out in a tone that scared me, tears had drenched my face, blurred my vision. He slammed the door shut, leaving my prying neighbors to wonder what else would happen behind my closed door.

He was talking but I wasn’t listening. I gazed from my third floor window, watched the traffic on South Street. Wished I was up the street at Cerritos Mall putting some serious damage on my credit cards.

I caught my breath, looked at Thomas. He looked defeated. I sighed, coughed and rubbed my hand over my thick mane.

I was truly embarrassed.

Me, myself, I and a grown ass man arguing in front of half my neighbors. In the good ol’ city of Long Beach. On a Friday night. So even though it was damn near eleven at night, you know everybody and their mama was out, watching us act like fools. I snapped out of my trance when I heard keys.

Your leaving?

Yup. His response was abrupt. Tart.

I became livid. Oh, okay! So just forget about me then?

Look I’m not forg—

We were interrupted by his electronic leash that manufactures called a Blackberry. We looked at each other.

I’ll call you tomorrow okay?

Don’t bother. Tell your wife I said hello.

He sighed. Stared at me for a moment, looked regretful. Look, I told you I was going to work things out with my wife and you knew the deal befo—

I slammed the door in his face. I didn’t want to hear any of his excuses. I heard him call my name, then knock, but so what. I was making a point, a damn good one. The fact that he could leave me at a time like this, to be with her? Whatever.

That was his wife, fine, but he claimed he loved me and we had an issue. I tried to remain strong but the thought of him running to another woman while I was carrying his child caused me to begin sobbing uncontrollably. I lay on my sofa, thought back to when we first met. Who would’ve known we would be here?

* * *

I met Thomas nine months back at Whole Foods. I was attending a book club later that day and decided to grab some wine, cheese and crackers for the potluck. Before heading out I threw on some leggings, a UCLA sweatshirt. I was there for about forty-five minutes longer than I expected when I felt eyes on me.

I turned around.

Usually when men gawk at my backside like that I roll my eyes, sometimes give verbal lashings if they start to be perverted and catcall.

Not this time.

He was cute. Damn cute. Just my type: Tall, dark and handsome. He sort of resembled Morris Chestnut, maybe Idris Elba.

Damn, I mumbled. I almost ran my cart into this old lady, but caught myself. Tried to play it cool. Had to. I’m the one who’s always getting pursued…he should be nervous, not me.

Excuse me?

I turned around to face him and smiled. So did he. Then I saw my reflection in the freezers amongst the pizza and ice cream. I wanted to scream. I had forgotten how I looked when I walked out the door. I felt jacked up. But brother man smiled at me like I was fully made up, fresh from the hair salon.

Hello, I’m Thomas…wow. I just had to tell you, you’re beautiful.

What? Oh, God no. Don’t lie. I look horrible. I’m not even dressed.

Well, I can’t believe my luck. I run into a woman that’s a perfect ten and she’s not even made up yet!

I blushed. Twirled my ponytail between my fingers, usually did that when I was flirting. In return he gave a broad smile, showed a mouth full of pretty white teeth.

Before I knew it, we had exchanged numbers. Talked on the phone every night, learned about each other.

I graduated from UCLA with a degree in Sociology.

He graduated from Cal Poly with a degree in Architecture.

I’m originally from Los Angeles.

He relocated from Atlanta.

I teach History to middle school brats.

He’s currently designing the reconstruction of a Magnet School.

No Kids.

No Kids.

Not seeing anyone special.

Not seeing anyone special.

It was week six with him and I was still a good girl. Meaning I still haven’t gave him what made me a woman yet. And he was patient with me. I liked that. Most men whined and whimpered, but all he did was kiss my lashes and tell me he would wait until I was ready. What he didn’t know was that even though I was over the mid-twenties mark, I was still a little girl at heart. Every time I had sex, I caught feelings. Deep feelings. And I know, because I’ve been hurt too many times to count. Which is why I put Ms. V on lockdown until I decided whether he was a good man or not. And when I finally did surrender my body to Thomas, I was glad I did. Thomas was the first man who showed me what an orgasm felt like. Not a selfish lover at all. He even held me after we did the deed. And he didn’t stop calling. Yeah, this was a good man all right. And I was happy. Flowers, dinners, Thomas did it all and then some.

By that time I had fallen for him, but I wasn’t worried. I felt loved in return, safe. I had nothing to worry about.

* * *

Thomas didn’t tell me he was married until we were six months into our relationship. Actually, he didn’t tell me.

We were out and about on Rodeo Drive, laughing and window-shopping when he stopped walking. Tensed.

I looked at him. What’s wrong?

He didn’t respond.

An older woman walked towards us. She looked to be about fifty, but clearly was holding on to her twenties. She wore Juicy Couture head to toe, she even had rhinestone barrettes in her hair. She was top heavy, had the largest breasts I’d ever seen. Just looking at them I felt my back ache. She had narrow hips and a nose that indicted she had been to a plastic surgeons office a time or two. She carried bags from Gucci, Chanel, Tiffany’s.

Thomas? I thought that was you. She glared at me.

How are you Hazel?

How’s your wife? She shot me another look, He’s married to my niece.

I became numb. Just that quick. Married?

I don’t remember walking away but when I came to, I was back in the car screaming for Thomas to Take me the fuck home.

The car ride was silent. The mood had definitely shifted. Just an hour ago we were all over each other and now I had my body positioned away from him in the passenger seat. Before he could even brake, I swung the door to his 6 Series open and jumped out. He followed.

Oh no, I thought. I know he is not going to try to come in my house after what just happened.

I turned around so fast my hair came loose. My expression must have jarred him, because whatever he was going to say wasn’t coming out.

I know you don’t think you’re coming in my house.

C’mon baby. You don’t understand, just let me explain.

No!

I was going tell you when the time was appropriate. I’m not married, I’m separated.

So? You’re not divorced either.

He got on his knees and did the pleasebabypleaseineedyou routine. I slammed my front door in his face, leaving him to look like a fool by himself.

For the next two weeks I ignored him. He sent flowers, I trashed them. He mailed cards, I burned them. He left voicemails, I deleted each and every one. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t realize what he did was wrong. There was no way he could justify his actions to me. He lied. He was married. End of story.

I ended up giving in though. I was sitting at home watching TV. Well, actually flipping through the channels since nothing ever came on Saturday nights.

I was lonely, so I called him. He answered on the second ring, seemed surprised.

Karyn?

Yes. Were you expecting another call?

No, not at all. I’m just shocked to hear from you. That’s all.

I paused. Why is that?

You want some company? His voice was low, seductive.

Yes.

Give me twenty minutes.

I hung up the phone, quickly downed the glass of wine I had been nursing for the past hour. I straightened up a bit, then jumped in the shower. I quickly lathered up, then hopped out just in time to hear my doorbell ring. My heart skipped a beat. I caught my breath, threw on my favorite silk robe.

I opened the door, looked him in the eyes. He looked back at me, then his eyes peered up and down at the silk fabric clinging to the contours of my body. He stepped inside, cautious, looked around like it was the first time he’d been over to my place. He turned around and faced me, stared at my hardened nipples poking through my robe. Baby, I missed you so bad, he said. I walked over to him and we begin to kiss passionately. Before I knew it, we had made love and he was explaining himself to me.

I wanted to tell you. I swear. I just lost my nerve though. I didn’t want to lose you…

Why not take the chance?

Because I didn’t wanna take that chance baby. Look, I’m a man who admits his mistakes. I was wrong. I should’ve told you. I’m sorry.

So you’re separated?

Yeah.

Well, are you going to get back with your wife?

No. I told you. I want to be with you. She’s not even an issue.

I had no response.

He kissed my forehead and drummed his fingers on my back. I have something for you.

What?

Go get it. He motioned to his overnight bag near my bedroom door.

Already I had perked up some. I jumped off the bed, held my breasts so they wouldn’t bounce and ran to get my gift. He smiled at my excitement. I opened the velvet box and discovered 3-carat diamond stud earrings. I gasped. Oh my God.

You like them?

Yes! I love them...thank you. I put them on immediately, staring at myself in the mirror. Admired the way they sparkled and lit up my entire face. I blushed when I caught Thomas lusting at my nakedness. I crawled back into bed and tangled my legs with his.

He kissed my forehead. You love me?

I tried not to smile. You know I do.

2

Thomas wanted to talk. He called me earlier that day while I was grading papers at home. About what, I don’t know. Yet I had butterflies in my stomach. For weeks he had been hinting at marriage. We even looked at rings together. So when he told me to meet him at Mimi’s Café to talk, I became nervous. First I thought, Mimi’s Café? For an engagement? Ugh. Then I snapped out of my brat mode, told myself, ‘Shut up! As long as he’s proposing…’ and prepared.

I went to Nordstrom’s, bought a cute little black strapless dress that pumped my bust and spent three hours getting my hair curled up. While driving to the restaurant so many thoughts raced through my mind. One being that he still wasn’t officially divorced. How could we marry? I assured myself that everything would be taken care of before we got hitched.

By the time I arrived at the restaurant, I felt like I was going to pass out. Yes, I was that nervous.

The hostess smiled as I told her I was there to meet someone. She let me venture on my own to find Thomas, so I went straight to the back section where we normally requested a booth.

Thomas was looking his usual handsome self, with the exception of his face showing feelings of frustration, nervousness, or maybe both. He was dressed in ripped jeans, a Morehouse sweatshirt, brown leather sandals and a Lakers cap. I frowned, more so because clearly I was overdressed. Already my feet were aching in my four-inch heels because I just had to get fancied up and here he looked like he was on his way to Venice Beach. I kept my cool, walked towards the table and sat down. He smiled. So did I. But something wasn’t right about his smile. He grabbed my hands. Held them. Looked at me.

OhGod.

I swallowed. He caressed my hands. Looked at me.

Ohgodohodohgodohgod.

I was anxious as hell now. My armpits felt dank and I didn’t even have enough saliva in my mouth to swallow the nerves away.

He smiled again. You look nice baby.

Thank you.

Hair smells good too.

Thank you.

He swallowed. Looked around the room like he was searching for something. He continued to massage my hands.

Look, baby. I brought you here so I could ask you something. Well, tell you something… He paused.

At this point I wanted to shake him. C’mon Thomas! Just ask the question! I’m going to pass out from nerves!

Yes?

Well baby, it’s been about nine months. Nine good months. And you know I love you…

At this point I was daydreaming. God, I couldn’t believe it. I was getting married soon to a man I absolutely adored. I wondered what our kids would look like? What they would be like. I envisioned our son, looking just like his Daddy who excelled in sports. I saw our daughter in pigtails, a little version of me, begging for a pair of expensive designer jeans that all her friends had. I saw us taking week long vacations. St. Lucia, Rome, Africa, London.

I saw it all.

Then I saw his face. Regret was laced in his tone as well.

You’re not mad are you?

I blinked. Mad about what?

Weren’t you listening to me? He coughed. Took a breath. My wife…my wife and I are going to give it another shot. We’re going to try to work things out. It’s for the best.

The world stopped for a split second.

What?

Baby, look I—

Don’t baby me Thomas! When did all of this happen? When was this decided?

Well for the last couple of weeks, my wife and I have been talking and we decid—

Oh! So you’ve been talking to your wife then?

Look. I’m not going to argue with you. My decision is final and that’s the end of it.

So I’m just supposed to accept this? What about me?

It is what it is. he said harshly.

So much for looking as cute as a button. Tears were falling every which way leaving dark long streaks of mascara on my face. My nose was oozing depression and my hair at this point had to be a tangled mess since I kept tugging at it. I couldn’t believe that this was the same man I had fallen in love with.

I thought you loved me Thomas…

I do.

Then why are you doing this to me?

He shrugged, sighed like I was getting on his last nerve.

I feel so stupid. I thought you were going to propose to me…

He looked shocked, smiled some. Why?

I was pissed. Wanted to kick him in the face at that moment.

Because for the last couple of months we’ve been talking about marriage! We looked at rings! I mean, why would you bring me here?

Those were just conversations. Nothing more. And yeah, we looked at rings. We looked at clothes too…I mean we looked at a lot of things. Looking. And I brought you here because I figured we could eat while we talked. You’re not hungry?

I erupted. Fuck you!

He chuckled. This is exactly what I mean. Why must you always be so dramatic and over the top? Can’t we just have a conversation like two adults?

I couldn’t believe the nerve of him turning the situation on me. I’m the bad guy now? I grabbed a napkin, wiped my nose. Wished I never met him, wished he never existed. Wished I never fallen in love.

His Blackberry vibrated. He smiled when he looked at the display screen. I wanted to slap him.

Who is that?

He looked directly into my eyes. My wife.

That stung.

Why are you treating me like this Thomas? Seriously.

I’m not…okay I’m sorry. I guess I’m trying to be harsh so that you won’t like me anymore.

Excuse me?

Look. The sooner you get over me or don’t like me or whatever, the sooner it’s easier on the both of us.

I shook my head, That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!

Look. I have to go. My wife—

Don’t you dare talk to me about her! Just go! Bastard!

He sighed. Looked sad for a moment. I really do love you…

I didn’t know how much time passed when I realized I was still sitting in the restaurant’s booth by myself. I finally left when I noticed more traffic coming in and out. Saw lights turn on broadcasting a warm, dim setting.

I sat in my car for awhile and called my best friend Sharon, ranted and cried to her about men. She offered to come by my place but I