If the World's a Village, I'm Its Idiot

IF THE WORLD’S A VILLAGE,

I’M ITS IDIOT

By Carlton Welsh

MARTIAN PUBLISHING

Copyright 2012 by Martian Publishing Company

Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved.

No portion of this volume may

be reproduced in any format

without the express written

permission of the copyright holder.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION – The World is Getting Smaller

PART ONE – We're All Interconnected… Almost

PART TWO – Out of Touch?

PART THREE – The Next Big Thing

PART FOUR – Losing Focus

PART FIVE – The Two R's

part six – coffee break

PART SEVEN – Theories

PART EIGHT – The Moral Majority

PART NINE – Evolution

part ten – cigarette break

PART ELEVEN – Sciencing

PART TWELVE – The Other R

PART THIRTEEN – Global Warning

PART FOURTEEN –Food Supply

PART FIFTEEN – Tech on Wheels

part sixteen – bathroom break

PART SEVENTEEN – Yet Another R

PART EIGHTEEN – Jock and Nerd

PART NINETEEN – Bypassing Venusburg

PART TWENTY – Aging Gracelessly

PART TWENTY-ONE – In Closing

PART TWENTY-TWO – More in Closing

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INTRODUCTION

The World is Getting Smaller

For years, I have heard people say that the world was getting smaller. At first it was the airplane that seemed to be causing this shrinkage. Then television came along to take us to every part of the globe, if only vicariously. And then, as if by magic, there was the worldwide web. You no longer had to wait for someone else to go to some far distant place and cart you along in the film canister.

The internet has probably done more to shrink the world than our cellphones. Although, nowadays the cellphones seem to be the preferred method for accessing and cruising the web. Whereas most people do not regularly call people in, say, Nigeria, they can often go to websites based there and order all sorts of contraband.

We can catch real-time news feeds from across the globe or watch a nest of rare birds in a tree in Yakutsk. Practically anywhere on the globe you want to learn more about or see, you can access through the web portal.

For the younger people born and raised into a world already having this wonderful technology, there may not be the slightest inkling of what went before. But for some closer to my own age, we tend to have a bit of a problem.

Perhaps some are stuck in the old ways, or maybe just simply satisfied with what they already have. I believe it is more along those lines that being afraid of the new technology.

Heck, there are people here who lived through a Great Depression and a World War. Something as minor as a hand-held device is not going to shake their world.

Well, perhaps a little bit.

Where the Heck is the Nagorno-Karabakh Republic?

When I was in the fourth grade, I won the local geography bee. If you don't know what that is, please skip to the next section. No, really. I mean it.

I knew all the capitals of the fifty states (wait, there is still only fifty, aren't there?) as well as those of the provinces of Canada, and the capitals of all the countries in the world.

Collecting stamps certainly helped in this endeavor and I had stamps from countries most people had never heard of, like Tanna Tuva and Republik Malaku Selatan. But then the Belgian Congo became the Congo Republic and the puzzle pieces of the world's nations suddenly got scrambled. I lost track years ago and have not bothered keeping up with it.

Cleaning out the garage a couple of months ago, I came across an old globe. Looking closely at it – and I do mean close, as my eyes are not what they used to be and the print on those things is so darned SMALL – I was pleasantly surprised to see the names of countries that I actually recognized.

The red orange of the Soviet Union (i.e. the Evil Empire) bled halfway across Europe and the faded names of the Socialist Republics peeked out at me. Old names, familiar names, names I had not heard mentioned in some years.

Does this mean I wish it had not changed? Not at all! Change is the one constant in this world. It makes life more exciting and very much worth living. If there was no change… well, we might as well be living in the Dark Ages.

Because of change, my grandfather was raised with horse and buggy and ended contemplating a trip to the moon. Now, that's change.

And we should learn to adjust to the changes...

Well, unless they keep coming too fast for me to wrap my mind around it.

But what the heck is the Hajdučka Republika Mijata Tomića? And can I get there by bus?

More than the Names of Countries have Changed

There was a peek into Communist China years ago. I believe it was around the time that Kissinger and Nixon (you member, the Dynamic Duo?) were opening relations with that country.

In American sports stadiums they have some people in one section holding large cards. On command, they hold up the cards to make black and white signs that say things like GO TIGERS!

Well, the Chinese people in one massive coliseum of a million fans turned over their cards to create a huge full-color picture of Mao Tse Tung. Then they switched cards in a neatly performed ripple effect to show the flag of China, with clouds moving in the background. It was very impressive, but a little off topic.

The leader at that time may have passed away some years ago but, hey, I have heard he's now supposed to be called Mao Zedong rather than Mao Tse Tung.

Hey, people, I never got the memo! And what's all this about? It's not like the Chinese alphabet wasn't confusing enough already. And other countries have been pulling this little confusing stunt as well. Like the tyrant of Libya. He started out as plain and simple Omar Kaddafi and wound up being Maomar Ghaddafi before he was finished.

Seems like some people really like to cloud the issue all in the name of clarifying things. Rather than clarification, I would prefer simplification. And I know his name is neither Omar or Maomar but something close written in a script I cannot read.

But at least they didn't change the name of Chung King's egg rolls.

Some Spare Change

Change is good (I keep telling myself) and defines us as a species. Unlike other species who are forced to just keep working with what they have.

A little revolution, every now and then, is a good thing. That was a quote from Thomas Jefferson, President of the United States from 1801-1809, author of the Declaration of Independence, and probably someone who was way too smart to have been a President.

But when you mention the word revolution, people think of armed mobs storming government buildings, like the French did to the Bastille. And when people hear Jefferson's quote (above), they think he was speaking of armed insurrection.

Both ideas could not be further from the truth. If Jefferson had meant to say an armed insurrection is a good thing he would have said it. Yes, he was that good with the words and stuff. What he meant was that abrupt changes are sometimes needed in a government.

Before you think that we've already had such change, remember most changes we have had over the past 225 or so years is evolutionary rather than revolutionary. The government has changed and modified slowly, in very small increments, from what it originally was to what we have today. Some of the changes have been good, some have not. But change is ever-present and ever-constant.

I believe it was FDR who said We have nothing to change but change itself. And he was absolutely right, although I really don't understand what he was talking about. During that fireside chat, I must have been sitting a little too close to the fire.

The same can be said of the growth of technology through the decades. Though it began in the middle to late nineteenth century, the process of change happened primarily in the twentieth century and the most of it in the latter half.

Looking back, I cannot imagine what is coming next.

Fearing Change

A wit once remarked: This place is driving me nucking futs! I don't know if he was specifically targeting change, but it seems to make sense.

Many people fear change. Not on the order of changing from one week to the next but changing things that seem superfluous. Like the change Coca-Cola made years ago when they tossed the old Coke formula in favor of the New Coke. Many could care less because they drank Pepsi, but a lot of the Coke drinkers got psyched.

Metathesiophobia is the fear of change. And I am happy that I don't have that one. My doctor already has me on so many different meds that I am afraid of what one more might do. Yes, I do fear that.

But I don't have a lot of phobias.

I'm a claustrophobe... not any tight little space like an elevator though, but something more confining, like a coffin. Man, I would just die if I was stuck in one of those things.

And I'm afraid of great heights as well, that is if there's nothing beneath my feet... and I don't have a parachute.

And agoraphobia... I have a definite fear of the marketplace as I usually don't have enough money to make a good consumer.

These are the kinds of things that bother me. But change? No, I welcome change because change is always good and always better.

And if you're thinking eight-track, please keep your comments to yourself.

If It Ain't Broke...

My Grandfather had an old Dodge clunker; noisy, slow, and falling apart but it got him from point A to point B, consistently. And it had the added bonus of announcing his arrival. Like, some two miles before he got there. Yes, it was that loud.

He was finally talked into getting a newer car by a friend, one that would work far smoother, and quieter. Granddad took some convincing, but he finally took the plunge.

Unfortunately, it was into the shop every other month or so for some little problem or other.

After a year, he traded it in for another old clunker. It was not quite as noisy or dirty as the old Dodge, but it did not require the constant babying the new one did. He said change is good, except you have to know when to change.

That was pretty sage advice.

There was a river bridge on I-17 north of Phoenix, Arizona, passing over the New River. Inspectors were worried because it was an older bridge and they were afraid it would collapse soon. There had been no problems with the bridge but they were just being cautious. Officials who get paid a lot of money to take our safety seriously usually tend to the cautious end of the spectrum.

So they spent several million of our tax dollars building a brand spanking new bridge and re-routing the highway over it.

Within six months, there was a mighty storm that dumped several inches of water into the Valley of the Sun in a matter of a couple of hours. Flash flood warnings were sent out over radio and television. People were warned to stay clear of the usually dry streambeds.

And the flood waters came, rushing