The Funniest People in Relationships: 250 Anecdotes
By David Bruce
()
About this ebook
Some samples: 1) When children’s book author Betsy Byars was three years old, she heard a lot about Miss Harriet, the first-grade teacher of her older sister, and she couldn’t wait to grow up and be a student in Miss Harriet’s class, so that she could paint and be read to from a book titled "The Adventures of Mabel." Betsy did grow old enough to go to school, and on the first day, she and the other students were assigned to various teachers. Unfortunately, Betsy was not assigned to Miss Harriet. Nevertheless, she knew what she wanted, and she went to Miss Harriet’s class anyway. Soon, the principal appeared in the classroom, looking for her, since she had not gone to the right room. Betsy told the principal, “I want to be in Miss Harriet’s room.” Then she corrected herself and said, “I have to be in Miss Harriet’s room.” Miss Harriet told the principal, “Let her stay.” The principal did, and first grade with Miss Harriet was as wonderful as Betsy had hoped it would be. 2) When comedian Arte Johnson was growing up on a farm in Michigan, everyone canned their own vegetables. One day, his family was boiling the canning jars to sterilize them when someone noticed a mouse in a spill area under the stove. They immediately shouted for Grampa to come and take care of the mouse. Annoyed, he came running from the barn carrying a shotgun, then aimed at the mouse and fired. He missed the mouse, but he did manage to shatter every canning jar on top of the stove. According to Mr. Johnson, “The green beans exploded and were hanging from the ceiling like stalactites for weeks.” 3) When children’s picture book creator Ezra Jack Keats was taking classes at the Art Students League, his best friend, Martin Pope, was taking science classes in college. Often, they would meet and have long discussions. Mr. Keats would walk Mr. Pope home, but since their discussion wasn’t finished, they would turn around and Mr. Pope would walk Mr. Keats home. Because their discussion still wasn’t finished, they would turn around again. Finally, they would say goodbye midway between their homes.
David Bruce
I would like to see my retellings of classic literature used in schools, so I give permission to the country of Finland (and all other countries) to give copies of my eBooks to all students and citizens forever. I also give permission to the state of Texas (and all other states) to give copies of my eBooks to all students forever. I also give permission to all teachers to give copies of my eBooks to all students forever.Teachers need not actually teach my retellings. Teachers are welcome to give students copies of my eBooks as background material. For example, if they are teaching Homer’s “Iliad” and “Odyssey,” teachers are welcome to give students copies of my “Virgil’s ‘Aeneid’: A Retelling in Prose” and tell students, “Here’s another ancient epic you may want to read in your spare time.”Do you know a language other than English? I give you permission to translate any of my retellings of classic literature, copyright your translation in your name, publish or self-publish your translation (but do say it's a translation of something I wrote), and keep all the royalties for yourself.Libraries, download my books free. This is from Smashwords' FAQ section:"Does Smashwords distribute to libraries?"Yes! We have two methods of distributing to libraries: 1. Via library aggregators. Library aggregators, such as OverDrive and Baker & Taylor's Axis360 service, allow libraries to purchase books. Smashwords is working with multiple library aggregators, and is in the process of signing up additional aggregators. 2. On August 7, 2012, Smashwords announced Library Direct. This distribution option allows libraries and library networks to acquire and host Smashwords ebooks on their own servers. This option is only available to libraries who place large "opening collection" orders, typically in the range of $20,000-$50,000, and the libraries must have the ability to host and manage the books, and apply industry-standard DRM to manage one-checkout-at-a-time borrows."David Bruce is a retired anecdote columnist at "The Athens News" in Athens, Ohio. He has also retired from teaching English and philosophy at Ohio University in Athens, Ohio.SOME BOOKS BY DAVID BRUCERetellings of a Classic Work of Literature:Arden of Favorsham: A RetellingBen Jonson’s The Alchemist: A RetellingBen Jonson’s The Arraignment, or Poetaster: A RetellingBen Jonson’s Bartholomew Fair: A RetellingBen Jonson’s The Case is Altered: A RetellingBen Jonson’s Catiline’s Conspiracy: A RetellingBen Jonson’s The Devil is an Ass: A RetellingBen Jonson’s Epicene: A RetellingBen Jonson’s Every Man in His Humor: A RetellingBen Jonson’s Every Man Out of His Humor: A RetellingBen Jonson’s The Fountain of Self-Love, or Cynthia’s Revels: A RetellingBen Jonson’s The Magnetic Lady: A RetellingBen Jonson’s The New Inn: A RetellingBen Jonson’s Sejanus' Fall: A RetellingBen Jonson’s The Staple of News: A RetellingBen Jonson’s A Tale of a Tub: A RetellingBen Jonson’s Volpone, or the Fox: A RetellingChristopher Marlowe’s Complete Plays: RetellingsChristopher Marlowe’s Dido, Queen of Carthage: A RetellingChristopher Marlowe’s Doctor Faustus: Retellings of the 1604 A-Text and of the 1616 B-TextChristopher Marlowe’s Edward II: A RetellingChristopher Marlowe’s The Massacre at Paris: A RetellingChristopher Marlowe’s The Rich Jew of Malta: A RetellingChristopher Marlowe’s Tamburlaine, Parts 1 and 2: RetellingsDante’s Divine Comedy: A Retelling in ProseDante’s Inferno: A Retelling in ProseDante’s Purgatory: A Retelling in ProseDante’s Paradise: A Retelling in ProseThe Famous Victories of Henry V: A RetellingFrom the Iliad to the Odyssey: A Retelling in Prose of Quintus of Smyrna’s PosthomericaGeorge Chapman, Ben Jonson, and John Marston’s Eastward Ho! A RetellingGeorge Peele: Five Plays Retold in Modern EnglishGeorge Peele’s The Arraignment of Paris: A RetellingGeorge Peele’s The Battle of Alcazar: A RetellingGeorge Peele’s David and Bathsheba, and the Tragedy of Absalom: A RetellingGeorge Peele’s Edward I: A RetellingGeorge Peele’s The Old Wives’ Tale: A RetellingGeorge-A-Greene, The Pinner of Wakefield: A RetellingThe History of King Leir: A RetellingHomer’s Iliad: A Retelling in ProseHomer’s Odyssey: A Retelling in ProseJason and the Argonauts: A Retelling in Prose of Apollonius of Rhodes’ ArgonauticaThe Jests of George Peele: A RetellingJohn Ford: Eight Plays Translated into Modern EnglishJohn Ford’s The Broken Heart: A RetellingJohn Ford’s The Fancies, Chaste and Noble: A RetellingJohn Ford’s The Lady’s Trial: A RetellingJohn Ford’s The Lover’s Melancholy: A RetellingJohn Ford’s Love’s Sacrifice: A RetellingJohn Ford’s Perkin Warbeck: A RetellingJohn Ford’s The Queen: A RetellingJohn Ford’s ‘Tis Pity She’s a Whore: A RetellingJohn Lyly's Campaspe: A RetellingJohn Lyly's Endymion, the Man in the Moon: A RetellingJohn Lyly's Gallathea, aka Galathea, aka Galatea: A RetellingJohn Lyly's Love's Metamorphosis: A RetellingJohn Lyly's Midas: A RetellingJohn Lyly's Mother Bombie: A RetellingJohn Lyly's Sappho and Phao: A RetellingJohn Lyly's The Woman in the Moon: A RetellingJohn Webster’s The White Devil: A RetellingJ.W. Gent.'s The Valiant Scot: A RetellingKing Edward III: A RetellingMankind: A Medieval Morality Play (A Retelling)Margaret Cavendish's The Unnatural Tragedy: A RetellingThe Merry Devil of Edmonton: A RetellingRobert Greene’s Friar Bacon and Friar Bungay: A RetellingThe Taming of a Shrew: A RetellingTarlton’s Jests: A RetellingThomas Middleton and Thomas Dekker’s The Roaring Girl: A RetellingThomas Middleton and William Rowley’s The Changeling: A RetellingThomas Middleton's A Chaste Maid in Cheapside: A RetellingThomas Middleton's Women Beware Women: A RetellingThe Trojan War and Its Aftermath: Four Ancient Epic PoemsVirgil’s Aeneid: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s 5 Late Romances: Retellings in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s 10 Histories: Retellings in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s 11 Tragedies: Retellings in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s 12 Comedies: Retellings in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s 38 Plays: Retellings in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s 1 Henry IV, aka Henry IV, Part 1: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s 2 Henry IV, aka Henry IV, Part 2: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s 1 Henry VI, aka Henry VI, Part 1: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s 2 Henry VI, aka Henry VI, Part 2: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s 3 Henry VI, aka Henry VI, Part 3: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s All’s Well that Ends Well: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s As You Like It: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s The Comedy of Errors: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Coriolanus: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Cymbeline: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Hamlet: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Henry V: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Henry VIII: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s King John: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s King Lear: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Love’s Labor’s Lost: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Macbeth: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Measure for Measure: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s The Merchant of Venice: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s The Merry Wives of Windsor: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Othello: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Pericles, Prince of Tyre: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Richard II: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Richard III: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s The Tempest: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Timon of Athens: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Troilus and Cressida: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s The Two Gentlemen of Verona: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s The Two Noble Kinsmen: A Retelling in ProseWilliam Shakespeare’s The Winter’s Tale: A Retelling in ProseChildren’s Biography:Nadia Comaneci: Perfect TenAnecdote Collections:250 Anecdotes About Music250 Anecdotes About Opera250 Anecdotes About Religion250 Anecdotes About Religion: Volume 2Be a Work of Art: 250 Anecdotes and StoriesThe Coolest People in Art: 250 AnecdotesThe Coolest People in the Arts: 250 AnecdotesThe Coolest People in Books: 250 AnecdotesThe Coolest People in Comedy: 250 AnecdotesCreate, Then Take a Break: 250 AnecdotesDon’t Fear the Reaper: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Art: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Books: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Books, Volume 2: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Books, Volume 3: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Comedy: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Dance: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Families: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Families, Volume 2: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Families, Volume 3: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Families, Volume 4: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Families, Volume 5: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Families, Volume 6: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Movies: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Music: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Music, Volume 2: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Music, Volume 3: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Neighborhoods: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Relationships: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Sports: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Sports, Volume 2: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Television and Radio: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People in Theater: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People Who Live Life: 250 AnecdotesThe Funniest People Who Live Life, Volume 2: 250 AnecdotesMaximum Cool: 250 AnecdotesThe Most Interesting People in Movies: 250 AnecdotesThe Most Interesting People in Politics and History: 250 AnecdotesThe Most Interesting People in Politics and History, Volume 2: 250 AnecdotesThe Most Interesting People in Politics and History, Volume 3: 250 AnecdotesThe Most Interesting People in Religion: 250 AnecdotesThe Most Interesting People in Sports: 250 AnecdotesThe Most Interesting People Who Live Life: 250 AnecdotesThe Most Interesting People Who Live Life, Volume 2: 250 AnecdotesReality is Fabulous: 250 Anecdotes and StoriesResist Psychic Death: 250 AnecdotesSeize the Day: 250 Anecdotes and StoriesKindest People Series:The Kindest People Who Do Good Deeds: Volume 1The Kindest People Who Do Good Deeds: Volume 2The Kindest People Who Do Good Deeds: Volume 3Discussion Guide Series:Dante’s Inferno: A Discussion GuideDante’s Paradise: A Discussion GuideDante’s Purgatory: A Discussion GuideForrest Carter’s The Education of Little Tree: A Discussion GuideHomer’s Iliad: A Discussion GuideHomer’s Odyssey: A Discussion GuideJane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice: A Discussion GuideJerry Spinelli’s Maniac Magee: A Discussion GuideJerry Spinelli’s Stargirl: A Discussion GuideJonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”: A Discussion GuideLloyd Alexander’s The Black Cauldron: A Discussion GuideLloyd Alexander’s The Book of Three: A Discussion GuideMark Twain’s Adventures of Huckleberry Finn: A Discussion GuideMark Twain’s The Adventures of Tom Sawyer: A Discussion GuideMark Twain’s A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court: A Discussion GuideMark Twain’s The Prince and the Pauper: A Discussion GuideNancy Garden’s Annie on My Mind: A Discussion GuideNicholas Sparks’ A Walk to Remember: A Discussion GuideVirgil’s Aeneid: A Discussion GuideVirgil’s “The Fall of Troy”: A Discussion GuideVoltaire’s Candide: A Discussion GuideWilliam Shakespeare’s 1 Henry IV: A Discussion GuideWilliam Shakespeare’s Macbeth: A Discussion GuideWilliam Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream: A Discussion GuideWilliam Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet: A Discussion GuideWilliam Sleator’s Oddballs: A Discussion GuideComposition Projects:Composition Project: Writing an Autobiographical EssayComposition Project: Writing a Hero-of-Human-Rights EssayComposition Project: Writing a Problem-Solving LetterTeaching:How to Teach the Autobiographical Essay Composition Project in 9 ClassesAutobiography (of sorts):My Life and Hard Times, or Down and Out in Athens, OhioMiscellaneous:Mark Twain Anecdotes and QuotesProblem-Solving 101: Can You Solve the Problem?Why I Support Same-Sex Civil MarriageBlogs:https://davidbruceblog429065578.wordpress.comhttps://davidbrucebooks.blogspot.comhttps://davidbruceblog4.wordpress.comhttps://bruceb22.wixsite.com/website
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The Funniest People in Relationships - David Bruce
The Funniest People in Relationships:
250 Anecdotes
By David Bruce
SMASHWORDS EDITION
Copyright 2010 by Bruce D. Bruce
Cover Photograph
Photographer: Kathy Wynn
Agency: Dreamstime.com
All anecdotes have been retold in my own words to avoid plagiarism.
Note: Most of the anecdotes in this collection are funny, although some are thought provoking rather than funny.
Note: The relationships in this book are of several kinds, not just of Significant Others.
Chapter 1: From Activism to Children
Activism
• Anna Rosenberg, who gave President Franklin Delano Roosevelt the idea for the G.I. Bill of Rights, learned the importance of activism early in life. When she was 14, she was a student at Wadleigh High School in New York City, and she and other students were annoyed because they had to attend school in shifts and share desks because of a lack of desks and other proper facilities. Therefore, she and the other students paid a visit to the city aldermen (politicians), who ignored them because they were a bunch of students. The aldermen even started to leave the room the students were in. However, young Anna yelled after the aldermen, Very well, gentlemen, you may have heard enough, but now you will hear from our parents, who are your constituents.
The aldermen paid attention to the students after that, and Anna told them exactly what the school needed. The next year, each of the students at the school had a desk and attending school in shifts was no longer necessary.
• When African-American poet Nikki Giovanni was a teenager in Knoxville, Tennessee, people gathered together to protest a hate crime. Nikki’s grandmother explained that she and Nikki’s grandfather were too old to march in the protest — so to take their place in the march they had volunteered Nikki.
Animals
• One of the many dogs in author Gary Paulsen’s life was Cookie, the lead dog on his sledding team both in Minnesota and during the 1,049-mile Iditarod Sled Dog Race in Alaska. Cookie arrived in Mr. Paulsen’s life lean and hungry, and during his first two days with Mr. Paulsen, Cookie ate a 75-pound beaver carcass. It’s a good thing Cookie came into Mr. Paulsen’s life. She saved his life at least three times, including once when the ice broke under him and he plunged into an icy lake — Cookie roused the other dogs and they pulled Mr. Paulsen from the water. After Mr. Paulsen decided to give up running sled dogs, he invited Cookie into his house. One of the first things Cookie did was to eat Mr. Paulsen’s wife’s pet cat. After Cookie died in 1989, Mr. Paulsen dedicated his book Woodsong to her.
• Children’s book author Betsy Byars has always been very interested in animals, including snakes and bugs. When she was a young girl, she waded in a creek. When she came out, she was very interested to find that brown things had attached themselves to her legs and didn’t want to come off, so she went home to show everyone. The brown things were leeches, and her mother was not happy. But despite being forbidden to get leeches on her legs again, Betsy waded in the creek whenever she wanted to collect leeches for a free-admission zoo
in the backyard.
• In London immediately following World War II, food was scarce. However, one day, Lord Snowy, the pet cat of children’s book illustrator Tony Ross’s Uncle Barry, came to the rescue. Lord Snowy played on the balcony for a while one day, then dragged a steak into the apartment. Uncle Barry took the steak from Lord Snowy, washed it, and in an exhaustive taste test discovered that it was delicious. Where did the steak come from? No idea. Unfortunately, although Uncle Barry continued to let Lord Snowy play on the balcony, the cat brought no more steaks home.
• Lee Brewster owned and managed Lee’s Mardi Gras, a store for cross-dressers (mainly men who dress like women) in New York. He had a beloved house cat named Kitty Cat, and when he had to take his beloved cat to a pet hospital for emergency treatment, he was outraged because the staff placed money before comfort. After Kitty Cat had been treated, the staff would not allow Mr. Brewster to see his beloved cat until he had paid the bill. Mr. Brewster threw his platinum American Express card down and shouted, Kitty Cat is no pauper!
• When Paula Klein-Bruno was a kid, she knew that she wanted to be a jockey. She even bought a jockey cap and wore it all the time — the only way that her mother could get it away from her long enough to clean it was to take it to a one-hour dry cleaner. In 1995, Ms. Klein-Bruno achieved her dream, riding as a jockey in the New York racing circuit. (As a toddler, whenever she saw horse vans on the roads, she would yell, Horses! Horses!
And as a kid, she often prayed, God, please don’t let me grow too tall.
He didn’t — she is 4’11".)
• Music director Theodore Stier was with dancer Anna Pavlova as she walked her dog, whose name was Teddy, in Montgomery, Alabama. A man saw them and was greatly impressed with Teddy and asked Mr. Stier if the woman wanted to sell him; however, Ms. Pavlova didn’t want to sell such a beloved pet. Therefore, Mr. Stier, Ms. Pavlova, and Teddy continued their walk, only to have the dog-lover suddenly yell to Mr. Stier, Tell the girl that if only she’ll let me have the dog — I’ll marry her!
• American author Flannery O’Connor loved birds all her life. When she was five years old, New York newsreel company Pathé News filmed one of her chickens because it was able to walk backwards. Later, in a home economics class, Flannery created what she described as a piqué coat with a lace collar and two buttons in the back
for another of her chickens. As an adult, Ms. O’Connor raised peacocks.
• Sir Arthur Sullivan, a conductor, once heard that the young son of soprano Emma Albani was ill. He visited and had tea with Ms. Albani and her young son, who had nearly recovered from his illness. To amuse the boy, Sir Arthur brought a white rabbit, which hopped around the boy’s nursery. Thereafter, Ms. Albani’s son referred to Sir Arthur as the White Rabbit.
• Of course, identical triplets are very similar, but they are not so similar that family pets can’t tell them apart. For example, Edgar, the dog owned by the family of a set of identical triplets — who are named Darren, David, and Donny — can tell them apart. Their mother can tell Edgar to fetch David, and Edgar knows immediately whom to fetch.
• While she was in the second grade, children’s book illustrator Lane Smith entered her pet, Okie, in a dog show at school. Surprisingly, Okie was given a ribbon, and Lane’s