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    Fanny Batter Celebrity Agony Aunt
    Fanny Batter Celebrity Agony Aunt
    Fanny Batter Celebrity Agony Aunt
    Ebook124 pages1 hour

    Fanny Batter Celebrity Agony Aunt

    By Deb Thompson

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    About this ebook

    Fanny Batter gives advice on things that matter: 'Sex or Chocolate: which is best?' or 'Pop-Star Life Expectancy' or 'Bum Sex - is it for me?' Her wisdom is as legendary as her lack of sympathy; her tongue as sharp as a freshly-sharpened pick-axe. Welcome to her world. No, really, you are welcome to it.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherDeb Thompson
    Release dateApr 5, 2011
    ISBN9781310359392
    Fanny Batter Celebrity Agony Aunt
    Author

    Deb Thompson

    Fanny Batter is a married mother fiction-writing bad-ass. She has spent many years seeking answers to the big questions that plague humanity; but so far all she has come up with is some toilet humour and pointless statistical analyses.

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      Book preview

      Fanny Batter Celebrity Agony Aunt - Deb Thompson

      Chapter 1 - Drinking

      Dear Fanny,

      I have been depressed for several months after splitting up with my wife. She ran off with our next-door neighbour’s twenty-one year old son. I hoped that she would get bored of him and come back to me, but she hasn’t and I have consoled myself by drinking heavily and crying all night.

      We had no children and I wonder if that was where it went wrong, perhaps if we had started a family we would have stayed together. I miss her so much and I don’t know how I am going to get through this, my only comfort is my memories and the drink.

      Please help me Fanny, I feel terrible.

      Yours,

      ‘Michael’

      Fanny says:

      Dear ‘Michael’,

      I’m so sorry to hear about your marriage breakdown. It is very sad. It’s not unusual to become depressed when a relationship breaks down. It is easy to turn to drink at such times, but drinking is not the answer and will make you more depressed.

      You should seek comfort elsewhere. Being a drunk is hardly the best way to entice your estranged wife back. I bet the twenty-one year old is too busy humping her to stop for a quick beer, his taught young muscular body glistening with sweat as he goes in for another round. She probably hasn’t got the strength to lift a wine-glass with all the sex they’re having. And there’s you sat at home, alone, drinking yourself into lonely oblivion. Rather pathetic.

      Channel your grief into anger. Start going to the gym or join a gun club or start learning a deadly martial art, anything that allows you to work out your grief and aggression in a positive way. Imagine shooting them both or driving a lorry over them, visualise the pulverisation of their love. It will liberate you. Please don’t actually murder them though; there is, after all, a slim chance that she will get fed up of shagging him and come crawling back to you. If she does what do you want her to find – a depressed drunk or a lean, mean fighting machine?

      Better still, in your new contented state of mind, pull yourself an even younger bird. Your wife has got a twenty-one year old, so you get an eighteen-year old. What’s good for the goose and all that. Or an older, richer woman, for example an internationally renowned agony aunt. Anything that will annoy your wife and tempt her back. And if she does come back, tell her to get lost. You don’t need her. You are a strong attractive man and it is her loss, after all what has a twenty-one year old hunk got that you haven’t? Besides his youth, physique, stamina, looks, personality and sobriety?

      It’s a good job you have no children or she would have dumped them on you as well. Make sure your next relationship is with a good woman. If she is a bit ugly or fat then she will be more grateful and less likely to run off with another man. Choose her well and treat her well.

      If your wife does come back and you do resume your marriage move away from any attractive young men, so she is not tempted again. Perhaps live on an uninhabited island or in Wales, where the men are preoccupied with their sheep and will not pay her any attention. If she starts cavorting with other men again then you will have to dump her I’m afraid, she is a loose woman and there is no cure. Such a Jezebel will never change; only give her one second chance, no more. If she can she will drag your heart through the gutter past the dog ends and down the drain, you mustn’t let her do it, ‘Michael’. Be strong. Forgive her once but make it clear that it’s her last and only chance. If she loves you she will be true. If she can’t keep her hands of that twenty-one year old, leave her to it and get on with your own life. There’s plenty more pebbles on the beach and they’re not all slutty bitches.

      Yours,

      Fanny x

      Ps. Will send you my phone number if you would like me to ‘console’ you some more ;-)

      Chapter 2 - Pop star life expectancy

      Hi Fanny,

      I am a member of a successful band but I find myself worrying about my life expectancy. It keeps me awake at night and I have to resort to prescription drugs to get some sleep.

      Is it true that band-members can expect much shorter lives than ordinary people? What am I looking at and how can I improve my chances of not dying before I get old?

      Thank you,

      ‘John’

      Fanny says:

      Hi ‘John’,

      I’m so glad you want to grow old disgracefully instead of choking on your own vomit too young. It’s heartening to hear when most rock stars are singing about taking drugs and dying young, and an awful lot of them are doing it too. At least you’re thinking about it in a sensible way.

      I’ve had a look on the national statistics website and they say that average life expectancy for a man born today is 75.3 years. (source http://www.statistics.gov.uk)

      They also say: ‘The number of male drug poisoning related deaths in 2008, including those involving both legal and illegal drugs, was 2,075. This was an increase of 8 per cent compared with 2007 and the highest number since 2001.’

      They don’t mention how many of the druggies are musicians, but I’m willing to bet most of them have strummed on a guitar at some point. I couldn’t find any statistics that specifically told me what the life expectancy of a band-member would be, so in the tradition of these statistical analyses I decided to make something up. From reading anecdotal evidence in tabloid newspapers I think that band-members can expect, on average, to live 30% less than non-band-members. This would give you a life expectancy of 52.7 years. Unless of course you live in Scotland, where you can probably halve it.

      No need to worry though – this is just an average. The average band-member would be high as a kite and indulging in some kind of freaky sex act as we speak, not quietly reading an agony aunt blog. You didn’t mention what type of band you are in? This would affect your life expectancy along with many other factors, such as where you live and your diet and so on. Women get an extra five years in most cases, approximately.

      I have tried to categorise bands and give a rough idea of how long they might have before they slip off this mortal coil and take the highway to hell:

      Category / Life Expectancy (male)

      Boy band – clean living e.g. Osmond’s: 77.3 years

      Boy band – pretending to be clean living e.g. JLS: 65.5 years

      Rock band – e.g. Rolling Stones: 50.1 years

      Rock band – heavy metal e.g. Spinal Tap: 32.8 years

      Coldplay: 80.3 years

      Some interesting results there. The Rolling Stones are living on borrowed time – time to hang up the spandex gents! Coldplay have the same life expectancy as a bunch of girls and the Osmond’s will be around for many years to come, phew. Spinal Tap had a bad run on their drummers which has skewed the results

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