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    Blue Moon Lonely Hearts Club
    Blue Moon Lonely Hearts Club
    Blue Moon Lonely Hearts Club
    Ebook118 pages1 hour

    Blue Moon Lonely Hearts Club

    By Alexander Hope

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    About this ebook

    J,J, Rotelli, the local butcher, and Duke Hogan, the local singing plumber help Nickel Nose Jones dig a tunnel, from his used car lot, under the Cedar Lake State Bank next door. The trio need the money to payoff two loan sharks for the money used to save the Blue Moon Lonely Hearts Club. The club is in a huge barn on the outskirts of Cedar Lake; it is a chick magnet.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherAlexander Hope
    Release dateSep 24, 2011
    ISBN9781465853721
    Blue Moon Lonely Hearts Club
    Author

    Alexander Hope

    I’m an old man who is ever so astonished by the human brain. In my long life I have owned many businesses; from a potato farm, a pumice mine, and a gold mine; to a casino, an insurance company, and a bank. I knew very little about the products of these many companies, with the exception of an acting school, but I was smart enough to hire brilliant people to make my ownership delightful.

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      Book preview

      Blue Moon Lonely Hearts Club - Alexander Hope

      The Blue Moon Lonely Hearts Club

      Alexander Hope

      Published by Alexander Hope at Smashwords

      Copyright 2011 Alexander Hope

      Chapter One

      My name is Candy Macks. So I'm a 35 year old virgin. So big deal. So I fell in love with a character from one of my father's Pulitzer Prize winning books. It just happens my father wrote about a real live character, Nickel Nose Jones. My story, mostly first person but a lot of hearsay, starts when I walk past the bank president's office and peek inside. There he is. He's almost twice my age, and more trouble than a bag full kittens, but I love him.

      Nickel Nose Jones sits across a huge mahogany desk from Angelo Portofino. Gertie Portofino, Angelo's three hundred pound daughter, stands by her father's chair.

      The fellows and me put lots of dough in this d amn bank. Nickel Nose says.

      Nickel Nose, that was put in. This is take out.

      I need the cash to save the ‘Blue Moon.’

      Gertie says, You should not have borrowed from the Rococos.

      Does she have to be here?

      She's on the Loan Committee.

      They must be screaming for her to get off.

      Nice. You really know how to negotiate a loan. Gertie says. The only way I will approve the loan is with all the titles to your lot full of automobiles.

      I give the titles to the Sicilians.

      Then you're out of luck, idiot. Gertie whispers.

      Nickel Nose storms from the office and bumps into me.

      Damn! You followen me? I like stumble over you everywheres.

      I'm a reporter, I say, and you're the biggest news in this hick town.

      You doing story on me; like your father did?

      Maybe. Maybe not.

      Nickel Nose grabs my hand and pulls me toward the bank exit. Let's get out of this dump.

      I accidentally overheard your problem.

      Accidentally? Nickel Nose says.

      Yes I was here making a very large deposit in my savings account.

      Nickel Nose Jones don't borrow no money from no lady.

      I'm no lady.

      You're a lady. A beautiful lady. If you weren't Old Macks’ daughter and I weren't so damned old, I'd be chasing you down Main Street.

      Later that day I went to a large warehouse that sits on the outskirts of Cedar Lake, Indiana. The time is the early 60s. The warehouse has a sign painted along its length: THE BLUE MOON LONELY HEARTS CLUB. A plumbing truck sits on a dirt lot beside the warehouse. A sign on the driver’s side door reads: DUKE HOGAN/THE SINGING PLUMBER. In front of the warehouse, a beat-up van is parked at an angle. The driver's door is wide open. The sign on the side of the van reads: J.J. ROTELLI ITALIAN MEATS AND SEA FOOD/HOME OF S.O.S. (SAUSAGE ON A STICK). Next to the sign is a painting of sausage on a stick. I think the painting looks more like a turd on a stick.

      J.J. Rotelli walks away from the van and toward the highway. He has a coal shovel over his shoulder and a large bucket swinging from his hand. He looks around then walks toward a pile of road kill. He uses the coal shovel to scoop up every ounce of the bloody meat. He puts the mess into the bucket and totes the bucket back to the van. He looks around then puts the bucket in the back of the van. He locks the van doors and walks toward the warehouse.

      Sheriff Turner steps from the shadows at the side of the warehouse. That was road kill, J.J.

      Sheriff! Oh yea, I know. I was just getting it off the road.

      Good citizen?

      Yeah, good citizen.

      Not going to use the road kill in your S.O.S.?

      No, Sheriff, I learned my lesson.

      Hard Time will do that. Sheriff Turner tilts his hat and moves back into the shadows.

      J.J. wipes the sweat from his forehead with his forearm. He walks toward the warehouse entrance. I bump into him as he reaches for the door handle. J.J., Sheriff Turner is serious about you and road kill. He ask me to do an expose' on you and your Sausage On a Stick.

      Don't do it. You'll like ruin me and Duke and Nickel Nose. You wouldn't want to ruin Nickel Nose.

      I look over at J.J.’s van. Parked behind Rotelli's van is a used but cherry Caddy; its door sign reads: NICKEL NOSE JONES PRE-OWNED CARS/NEXT DOOR TO THE CEDAR LAKE STATE BANK. Parked tightly behind the Caddy is my station wagon with a side panel sign that reads: THE CEDAR LAKE MORNING TRIBUNE. The Mayor’s son owns the only sign company in Cedar Lake. J.J. and I enter the warehouse. The warehouse is decorated like a dance club. Food and beverage counters line each side. Chairs and tables are arranged in front of the many food concessions. A large mural fills one wall. It shows a giant rainbow pouring into a one-story tall blue moon. Off to the side of the main entrance a sign reads: NUDIST SECTION – CLOTHES NOT AN OPTION. An arrow on the sign points to a small section enclosed by high panels.

      In the center of the main warehouse is a large dance floor polished and lacquered shiny yellow. A band stand sits at the far corner of the dance floor. A banner above the bandstand read s: THE TATERTOTS. In the center of the dance floor, posing for a photograph, Nickel Nose Jones, J.J. Rotelli, and Duke Hogan stand with their chins out and their chests high. Duke pats down his bad toupee. They are each holding an S.O.S. (Sausage On a Stick). A camera sits on a tripod about ten feet away.

      I move rapidly between the boys and the camera.

      This is perfect. Like we are the ‘Three Bandoleers.’ Nickel Nose says. He crosses his S.O.S. with J.J.'s.

      I think you was referring to the Three Mouseketeers. Duke says.

      Yeah, with like that Dartanian guy. J.J. says.

      They all cross S.O.S. and say. One for all and all for one most of the time.

      I look at them like they are all idiots. You boys know what your S.O.S. looks like?

      Yea, like money on a stick. J.J. says.

      More like a turd on a stick. I say. Who's going to eat a turd on a stick?

      How bout some local news reporter? J.J. says.

      Hey, J.J., watch your mouth. Candy's like a lady. Nickel Nose says.

      If she's a lady . . . I'm Tyrone Powers. J.J. says.

      No, where I come from, Tyrone Power knows how he should act in front of a lady. Nickel Nose says.

      Where you come from? What? Are you like not from Cedar Lake like the rest of us? J.J. says.

      Hey, hey, fellows, fellows, you sound like two bickering broads. Or a Homo or something. Let's get this thing done. I got to finish plumbing the bank. Duke says.

      Yeah, and tonight we can plumb some of the locals. J.J. says.

      Jesus! J.J.! There’s a lady in the room" Nickel Nose says.

      It's apparent you boys were in the wrong line when God passed out brains. I say.

      Yeah, we was in the line for Handsome Dudes. Nickel Nose says.

      You must have left the line early. I say.

      What, we ain't handsome dudes?

      Nickel Nose . . . in the dictionary under ‘Handsome Dudes’ pictures of you boys are shown as the antithesis.

      Nickel Nose and J.J. and me don't have much to do with that religious stuff, Candy. But, we believe in God. We ain't no antithesis.

      Oh Christ! I'm just saying . . . long hair on old men went out with Noah. I say.

      How'd we get on this religious kick? Duke says.

      Jesus, Rotelli looks like an Italian pimp, and Duke wears a dead rat on his head, and Nickel Nose, you look like someone beat you to death . . . recently.

      Why you been chasing him for the last ten years? J.J. says.

      Twenty years, I say. Same reason grown women chase you and Duke: we think we can change bad boys.

      I told you fellows we should name this joint ‘Bad Boys’ J.J. says.

      Remember, this joint was named for the blue tone of your butt. Nickel Nose says.

      Jesus, every woman in town thought you were being romantic by naming this club after the song, you know, I sing. Blue moon you saw me standing alone . . . .

      We know the song. Duke says. You best keep your day job.

      "So, it turns out

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