Duh-Votions: Words of Wisdom for the Spiritually Challenged

Other Books by Sue Buchanan

I’m Alive and the Doctor’s Dead

Friends Through Thick and Thin (with Gloria Gaither, Peggy

       Benson, and Joy MacKenzie)

Girls Gotta Have Fun!

ZONDERVAN

Duh-Votions

Copyright © 1999 by Sue Buchanan

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Zondervan.

ePub Edition June 2009 ISBN: 0-310-86176-4

Requests for information should be addressed to:

Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Buchanan, Sue.

Duh-votions / Sue Buchanan.

p. cm.

ISBN-10: 0-310-22865-4 (softcover : alk. paper)

ISBN-13: 978-0-310-22865-3

1. Christian women—Religious life Humor. I. Title.

BV4527.B83 1999

242’.643—dc21                                                                                         99-32616

                                                                                                                    CIP

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible:New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Excerpts from Bless This House by Gloria Gaither. Copyright 1998 by Gloria Gaither. Used by permission of J. Countryman.

Find Us Faithful words and music by Jon Mohr. © 1987 Jonathan Mark Music ASCAP and Birdwing Music ASCAP. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Celebrating Our Diversity © Appalachian Ministries Educational Resource Center. Used by permission.

Excerpt from An American Childhood by Annie Dillard, (New York: Harper & Row, 1987, p.11). Used by permission.

Published in association with the literary agency of Alive Communications, Inc., 7680 Goddard Street, Suite 200, Colorado Springs, CO 80920.

Interior design by Laura Klynstra

To Mindy, Dana, and Barry

CONTENTS

Title Page

Copyright Page

Introduction

Perfect Dress, Perfect Earrings, Perfect Me

You in the Third Row … Stick ’em Up!

You’ll Find the Fruit of the Spirit in Plastic Bags Hanging

from the Luggage Cart

If a Cow Laughed, Would Milk Come Out Her Nose?

Fishin’ Poles and Night Crawlers

A Clear Conscience Is Usually the Sign of a Bad Memory

I Never Would Have Lied, Lord, If It Hadn’t Been

Country Music Week

One Person’s Art Is Another Person’s Junk

You Give Me Big Tip, I Give You Fancy Nail

Do Angels Really Wear Underwear?

And Don’t Go into Mr. McGregor’s Garden

The Summer of My Discontentment

A New Take on an Old Story

If You’re Euphoric, Things Can’t Be All That Bad

Can a Hog Be Vaccinated for Chicken Pox?

The Three Bears Go to Camelot

Of Mice and (just the) Men-tion of Traps

She Thought the Great Depression Was Her Marriage!

When I Get One More Hole Punched in My Card, I’ll

Get a Freebie at House of Tattoos

Pardon Me, Sir, but There’s Icing on the Seat of Your Pants

An Electric Blanket for a Street Person?

When I Think About Heaven, I Think About All the

Fancy Stuff!

You Don’t Have to Be a Theologian to Get It

Pecan Pie with Horseradish? It’s a Southern Thing

Two Shall Be As One; Then Again, Maybe Not!

We Thought They Were Asleep Till They Said Amen

Wayne! I’m Calling from Roswell. Will You Accept

the Charges?

Men Are from Mars; Women Are from—Where Is

That Again?

It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, It’s a Funeral Home!

I Don’t Care for Your Clothes-but My Cat Would

Love Them!

You’re Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile

and Earrings!

What’s That About the Pope’s Ring?

Is It Just the Way I Am, or Is It Dunlap’s Disease?

My Husband Wouldn’t Be Caught Dead with a

Green Pepper!

Pardon My Driving, I’m Reloading My Gun. No, Not

Reloading My Gun-Praying! That’s It, I’m Praying!

Who Said Rattlesnakes Don’t Have Discernment?

You Can’t Put M&Ms in Alphabetical Order, Can You?

This Happened Long Before Bath and Body Shops

Replacement Parts and Other Techno-Wonders of the

Modern Age

My Computer Has Memory, and Sometimes I Think

It’s Holding a Grudge

Thanks for Calling, but I’m No Longer Doing Mother-

Daughter Banquets

It’s a New Species: Part Man, Part Barcolounger!

Where I Come From, a Little Debbie Snack Cake Is

a Vegetable

You Have the Right to Remain Silent; Anything You

Say Will Be Misquoted and Held Against You

You Paid for Your Plane Ticket; Make Sure You

Get Your Money’s Worth!

Is There a Greeting Card for a Bad Hair Day?

That Two-Piece Red Outfit You’re Wearing Is Lovely,

but It Needs a Good Ironing

With Friends Like That, Who Needs Enemies?

A Sharp Tongue Kindles a Good Newspaper Column

After You’ve Gone Through 6,000 Brillo Pads, You

Automatically Qualify for a Pair of Stuart

Weitzman Shoes

I’ve Already Told You More Than I Know

He Gave Some to Be Spam Eaters and Others to Be

Baloney Eaters

My Rod and My Reel, They Comfort Me

I Could Lose Myself in Thought, but Then Again, It’s

Such Unfamiliar Territory

As Noah Said to His Wife, "Woodpeckers Could

Actually Be a Bigger Threat Than the Storm Itself!"

Wanted: Official Church Quipster; No Experience

Needed

Press Two to Try Out for the Easter Pageant

Petite Paw Prints in the Perfect Pumpkin Pie

To Play Eve in the Church Musical, It Will Be Necessary

to Have Long Hair

And After This Will Come My Six-Volume Bible

Commentary

About the Publisher

Share Your Thoughts

INTRODUCTION

WHEN IT COMES TO daily devotions, there really are people out there who hold the Bible in front of them, let it fall open, then point and read! I’m one of those people. Don’t pretend to be shocked. You bought this book!

For many years I tried to hide the fact that I’m not a spiritual giant—that I am, in fact, quite shallow. Then I wrote a book, then another (Who said you have to be deep to write a book?), and my publisher insisted I be out there speaking in order for the book to sell.

So now I’m a Christian speaker, which proves once and for all that God has a terrific sense of humor. I’m so shallow when it comes to Bible knowledge that for years I thought Solomon had 500 wives and 500 porcupines, and that Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night. When someone mentions the great religious author and intellectual Francis Shaeffer, I still have to ask, Is that a man or a woman?

Once at an Evangelical Christian Publishers’ awards banquet, where all the top books in the industry are honored, I overheard this comment about the guest speaker, a prolific and well-loved author: Well, he certainly is a better writer than he is a speaker.

Those words haunted me when I began to accept speaking dates, so I decided to tell my audience the truth right up front. I say, I may as well tell you, because you’ll figure it out anyway: I’m not that deep. They laugh. I’m shallow. They laugh. But I’m deep for a shallow person. They laugh again. But here’s what’s really funny! Afterward a lot of people—I’m talkin’ a lot of people—come up to me and say, I’m just like you. I’m shallow too! I’ve just never admitted it before.

I’m beginning to think there are more people like me than there are like them—and you know who the thems are! They are the ones who know who begot whom and can explain why the Holy Scripture insists that the meek will inherit the earth…—when it seems to be the other way around.

I’ve not only used the let-the-Bible-fall-open-and-point method for my devotions, but I’ve been known to meditate for thirty minutes after passing one of those big neon church signs that proclaims such truths as Do your givin’ while you’re livin’, then you’re knowin’ where it’s goin’. That particular sign convinced me to hurry home and write out my check for missions. I have some sign ideas of my own, including, Let God use you—everyone else in town has.

Sometimes I ponder spiritual truths because of something another person says or does, or because I’ve listened to a tape or heard a song on the radio. Sometimes I even dare call it devotions. Perhaps the point of this book is that God can speak in unexpected ways, and you don’t have to be deep to hear his voice.

With this in mind, enjoy the book (be sure to buy one for your pastor—at least half of his congregation is shallow); and if by chance a message comes through, I hope it’s that God loves you no matter how deep or shallow you might be; that his message, which is about love and redemption, is so simple that even we (and we know who we are) can understand it. What he wants from us isn’t all that complicated. He wants us to see him and hear his voice in the craziness of everyday life.

PERFECT DRESS,

PERFECT EARRINGS,

PERFECT ME

The ordinances of the LORD are sure and altogether righteous.

PSALM 19:9

I HAVE NO TROUBLE at all understanding that the Lord’s ordinances are sure and altogether righteous. I have no trouble believing that God is who he says he is, and that I’m his child because of his great plan. And I’d be willing to bet everything I own—from my Aunt Annie’s Depression glass to my frog pin with the handset rhinestones—on the fact that I’ll spend eternity with him.

I have no trouble at all being sure about God; it’s me I can’t be sure of. Some days I can’t be sure of anything. Some days, even though I feel very sure and self-confident, I end up falling on my face.

Not long ago on a Sunday morning, I got up early and took my time getting ready. I put on my perfect new knit dress with the dramatic—I’m talking dramatic—cowl collar and the perfect matching earrings, pin, and bracelet. I happened to have the perfect shoes and even swapped out purses, which is really something for me. I prefer always to carry the big one that holds the most candy in case the sermon goes long.

This is hard to believe, but by the time I got to church I was thinking more about how perfect I was than about worshiping God. It seemed I was in luck, because just as I walked into the foyer, coming straight toward me was the best-dressed, the most fashion-conscious woman in our church; for once I felt I could hold my own—I looked good! She threw her arms wide to embrace me and I opened my arms in sweet anticipation.

Oh Suuue! You look … (… fabulous? … ravishing, perhaps?). Just before the moment of contact, my friend took a step backward leaving the embrace hanging in midair and me posed as though to take flight. Do you intend to wear your dress backwards all day?

I gathered my wits and headed to the ladies’ room. Sure enough—the mirror confirmed it—hanging out over the collar, right out there in front for all to see, was the designer’s label. To beat all, it wasn’t a subtle, tiny, little tag. It was five inches square!

I wish I could say this is the only time I came up short in the perfect me department. My face turns red just thinking about the time I lost my slip when introduced at a prestigious banquet, or another time when my jacket fell open at a business meeting revealing my Victoria’s secrets, or the time I wore two totally different shoes—shoes that didn’t resemble each other in any way, for heaven’s sake!

Then there are the times I think I’m a perfect me Christian and I fail. Oh, how I fail! My imperfections (and you have no idea how many there are) remind me that he is perfect, he is righteous, and that even though I don’t deserve it, I am made righteous in him!

Dear Lord

Maybe I’ll be more sure of me if I keep reminding myself of the sureness of you and your ordinances. You alone are perfect.Amen. P.S. Help me go to church for the right reasons.

YOU IN THE THIRD ROW

… STICK ’EM UP!

Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready.

REVELATION 19:6–7

MY HUSBAND, WAYNE, AND I have two daughters, Dana and Mindy. Wayne and I and our two cats live in Nashville, Tennessee, in the same home—it sits like a birdhouse in the woods on a hill—we’ve lived in for over thirty years. Mindy resides with her two cats in a cute apartment a few miles away, and Dana is married to Barry; they live in Middletown, Ohio, where Barry heads up InWord, an innovative organization that creates Bible studies for teens and youth leaders. Dana is a harpist