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    How to Booze: Exquisite Cocktails and Unsound Advice
    How to Booze: Exquisite Cocktails and Unsound Advice
    How to Booze: Exquisite Cocktails and Unsound Advice
    Ebook293 pages2 hours

    How to Booze: Exquisite Cocktails and Unsound Advice

    By Jordan Kaye and Marshall Altier

    3/5

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    About this ebook

    Offering exquisite cocktails and unsound advice, How to Booze by Jordan Kaye and Marshall Altier pairs the perfect cocktail with unfailingly entertaining advice for all of life’s most alcohol-inducing moments. Much more than just a guide to mixology, How to Booze is a hilarious and remarkably prescient, if somewhat degenerate, guide to life—or at least that part of life that would be greatly improved in the company of Johnny Walker or Jack Daniels.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherHarperCollins
    Release dateMay 18, 2010
    ISBN9780061998027
    How to Booze: Exquisite Cocktails and Unsound Advice
    Author

    Jordan Kaye

    Jordan is a writer, professional recruiter and former lawyer. He lives in Brooklyn, New York.

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    • 3/5
      I recently saw Jordan Kaye at a book festival where he demonstrated making a few of the cocktails from his book (one of which I got to taste test--yum!); he was both personable and funny, and mentioned that he was married with children (I think he said "two."). But I found the book to be more of a statement about the authors' distress over having to grow up than a useful, amusing advisory on matching cocktails with common social situations.The book is subtitled: Exquisite Cocktails & Unsound Advice, which is pretty accurate, so I cannot say the book didn't live up to the title's expectations. But its attitude displayed too much college frat boy prankishness ,and featured too few situations in which I expect to find myself. In addition, some of the most useful advice--such as primers on types of spirits and basic mixing techniques--is poorly presented and hard to find (it is scattered throughout the book, and there is no index). As long as you prefer gin and whisky drinks to vodka, as the authors do, the recipes are very good; however, you may be better off getting them from a standard bar book rather than wading through the adolescent advice presented here.The drinking situations include "bedding down the homely," (for which the authors recommend a Dry Gin Martini because it somehow represents "selflessness" and "hedonism.") In addition, they thoughtfully warn the reader that "You cannot f**k ugly in the morning." Apparently there is no drink good enough for that. Other situations warranting imbibing include stalking your ex, participating in a threesome, calling in sick just so that you can listen to NPR (?), drinking while you're pregnant(a chapter called, "Mom drank with me..and I'm fine"), drunk dialing, participating in a threesome, being with people you despise, putting down the family pet (gah!),and the final drink to enjoy on your death bed (a Rob Roy, in case you were curious).Of course I've been focusing only on the negative. They also include drinks for meeting with old friends, high school reunions, getting married, and others. But for me, the negative outweighed the positive and even though I was aware that the authors meant it to be tongue-in-cheek, I didn't feel the funny. I'll still try the drinks--and perhaps I'll even manage to invent a drink that will make reading this book more of a pleasure.

    Book preview

    How to Booze - Jordan Kaye

    Stage 1

    LOVE NEEDS DRINK

    FIRST DATE

    Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing;

    Only a signal shown and a distant voice in the darkness;

    So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another,

    Only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence.

    Henry Longfellow said that. But he was paid by the word, so he tended to ramble. Translation: First dates are bullshit.

    It turns out Longfellow wasn’t just an expert on virginal natives. He knew something about dating, too. Because first dates are pretty much like ships passing in the night: strangers before, an hour or two of blah-blah-blah, an awkward cheek-kiss-half-hug thing, then a warmly worded text message. And then silence. Strangers before, strangers after.

    But there are differences between passing ships and first dates. One difference is that, on a date, there is at least a sporting chance of sex; the only hope of sex for passing ship passengers is if there’s a collision, both boats sink, two very hard-up survivors wind up on the same lifeboat, and everyone else on the lifeboat is hypothermic. This was the ending to Titanic everyone was hoping for.

    The other difference between passing ships and first dates is that first dates involve alcohol—and it’s a good thing they do. The right drink—slow sipping, calming on the nerves but heady enough to liven things up—can create just the sort of false intimacy everyone craves.

    Dark ’n’ Stormy

    2 OZ GOSLING’S BLACK SEAL BERMUDA RUM (6 CL)

    GINGER BEER

    Build in highball glass filled with ice. Top up with ginger beer.

    Garnish with wedge of lime.

    Remember, there is a reason you are paying a hefty monthly fee to belong to an online dating service. Yes, it’s fun to sit at a computer and objectify strangers for hours at a time. But you stay with it—and keep going on all those first dates—on that off chance that false intimacy might, over time, lead to real intimacy. To honor that enduring hope, we give you the Dark ’n’ Stormy.

    The official drink of Bermuda (we have a weakness for countries with official drinks), the Dark ’n’ Stormy is fun and easy to sip—in fact, a more appropriate name would be Light and Breezy. With just two ingredients, no pretense, and the adventuresome warm spice of ginger to keep things interesting, this is a great companion drink for getting to know someone.

    Gosling’s is a dark rum made in the English style, popular in former outposts of the British empire like Bermuda. The only catch with the Dark ’n’ Stormy is that ginger beer can be hard to find. Reed’s, produced in Jamaica, is a widely available option; Gosling’s now creates its own drier and spicier brew.

    If you find yourself eager to show your wild side this early on, you can modify the Dark ’n’ Stormy by adding an extra dose of lime juice. Juice the lime with a hand press. This will give you a spent half shell that, once turned inside out, can be placed on top of the drink with an extra float of rum inside for the brave-hearted.

    RUM, TEQUILA, AND WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE? BLACKOUTS

    Rum and tequila are distinct from other spirits in that they cover a broader range. Some are totally colorless (white or silver), because they are aged for a minimal amount of time (if at all) and then, in the case of rum, filtered. Others run from amber to dark because they are aged for longer periods of time—but the truth is that some are dyed with caramel to make you feel tougher and fancier when you drink them. Most cocktail recipes that call for rum or tequila will flourish differently depending on how dark your base spirit is, so feel free to experiment.

    So why do tequila and rum lead to so many wild nights and heinously poor choices? Honestly, we only wish we knew.

    YOU WILL REGRET THIS; YOU ALREADY REGRET THIS

    It can be grim work, bedding down the homely. But the truly unattractive do have the right to sex. And sometimes, it’s just your turn to give it to them. Others shirk their duty; you are worthier than that. Where lesser folk yawn and slip out the door, you buy two more rounds and bravely step up to the challenge.

    Verbal overtures are cast and received. Trembling hands are placed on frightening thighs. The direction is ominous, but it’s clear. And every time you raise your eyes from the bar, you suffer a crisis of confidence—masked, it’s true, as a spasm of disgust. Christ. Will I really do this. Less a rhetorical question than an admission of illness.

    Sometimes we allow the perfect moment to be marred by some small wrinkle that looms disproportionately large in our minds. Example: a warm evening of stargazing from a campsite, dimmed by the glaring deer blinds mounted to the roof of a nearby pickup truck. As we mature, we realize that living more fully doesn’t mean taking out the floodlights with a slingshot—a course of action that in any case would likely end with buckshot and a messy, bloody death by the campfire. Instead, we realize that living more fully means simply embracing the evening, with all its charms and flaws.

    Similarly. To return to the situation before us. It would be nice to imagine that you invested the night at the penthouse wooing a perfect ten. But you didn’t. Tonight you’re hustling way down in the boiler room with the twos and the threes. It’s not the night you were longing for, but it’s the night you are in, and however ugly your companion, tonight is always a beautiful place to be. So embrace it.

    And now that you have come to peace with your mission, we will let you in on a curious secret to the dark art of sleeping with the ugly: in its own way, it’s kind of hot. Your companion’s intense bedside gratitude. Your own self-debasement. It’s all pretty kinky. Some people even get addicted to

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