The New Science of Love: How Understanding Your Brain's Wiring Can Help Rekindle Your Relationship

Copyright

Copyright © 2011 by Fran Cohen Praver

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Praver, Frances Cohen.

The new science of love : how understanding your brain’s wiring can help rekindle your relationship / by Fran Cohen Praver.

p. cm.

1. Love. 2. Intimacy (Psychology) 3. Psychophysiology. 4. Interpersonal relations. 5. Man-woman relationships. I. Title.

BF575.L8P73 2011

158.2--dc22

2011007318

Contents

Front Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Foreword

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Part One

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Part Two

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Part Three

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Endnotes

About the Author

Back Cover

To the loving memory of Bessie and Sam and the loving presence of Vicky and Leland

Foreword

By Paul E. Bendheim, MD

Author of The Brain Training Revolution: A Proven Workout for Healthy Brain Aging

Welcome to the new science of love. You have opened an enlightening love book, but not in the usual romantic sense. The beginning chapters here are insightful, understandable descriptions of aspects of modern brain science: how this revolutionary new science of the changeable adult brain explains our ability to understand and communicate effectively again with a once-cherished partner, to regain the luster of love diminished, and then to maintain its recaptured magic. In the following sections, we are expertly guided through real-life examples and specific mental exercises to harness these intrinsic brain capabilities for rebuilding a damaged relationship. We can arrive again at that treasured place that feeling and thinking men and women rank among their highest priorities: an intimate, respectful, invigorating relationship with our life partner.

Every aspect of our personalities, ambitions, and abilities to relate to others in the most profound manner reside in one place and one place only: our brain. As William James, the founder of modern psychology, put it more than one hundred years ago, The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude. We now know, based on discoveries made in the past several decades, that the adult brain contains mirror neurons whose connections are not hardwired. This means that your mature brain can actually generate new cells and new connections; it can physically change. In our daily lives, the approach we take to life and life’s problems—our concerted mental efforts—can rewire the brain networks responsible for our most important human interactions: communicating, understanding, empathizing, and loving.

The science of how each of us subconsciously understands what our partner perceives, thinks, and feels has been propelled forward by the monumental discovery of the brain’s mirror neurons made barely fifteen years ago. These brain cells have been labeled monkey see, monkey do cells, as they were first discovered in experimental monkeys. The same brain cells are active when the monkey performs an action or when she simply witnesses another performing this action.

In the human brain, mirror neurons are now the subject of intense and widespread research and theorizing. They may be the central actors in those vast networks, connecting billions of brain cells, that allowed the breathtakingly rapid (in evolutionary terms) advance of human culture. V. S. Ramachandran speculates that mirror neurons will do for psychology what DNA did for biology: they will provide a unifying framework and help explain a host of mental abilities that have hitherto remained mysterious and inaccessible to experiments. Mirror neurons seem to be involved in verbal and nonverbal communication, language, imitation or mimicry, socialization, our ability to understand others, and, as Dr. Praver bravely asserts, our ability to forgive, to be forgiven, and to love again.

Dr. Praver’s book, though based on brain science, is not a neuroscience text. She uses the brain’s intrinsic plasticity and the role of mirror neurons in human verbal and nonverbal communications and empathy as a springboard to help all of us who have experienced difficulties in love. Employing the knowledge gained from her many years of experience as a practicing psychologist specializing in couples therapy, she leads us down that challenging yet ultimately rewarding road of repairing a damaged relationship. The honesty with which she emphasizes the hard work required is refreshing for a book of this genre. There is no magic bullet, but the goal of rekindling the magic of love you once had for your partner is achievable. If you and your partner diligently practice Dr. Praver’s clinically proven methods, you will change your brain and enjoy a healthier, happier, lustier love life.

Acknowledgments

The impetus for this book began in my practice, where I see couples who try to bring intimacy back into their relationships. To all of the brave souls who have entered into therapy with me, I thank you. I am awed by your inner strengths and marvel at how you have succeeded in experiencing once again the ecstasy of passionate love.

I owe my training in psychoanalytic theory to my esteemed professors at the Gordon F. Derner postdoctoral program at Adelphi University. The program offered me a warm, accepting environment for exploring the fantasies, symbolic meanings, and real experiences of intimate relationships, along with their scientific underpinnings. The research professors at St. John’s University, where I obtained my PhD, whetted my curiosity for delving into the intricacies of science, research, and their life applications.

I am deeply indebted to my son, Leland; his wife, Vicky; and my analyst, Roberta Jellinek, PhD—they have always believed in me all the way. From this amalgam of cherished people—professors, mentors, colleagues, and family—I have been inspired to derive the therapies that I have used successfully with my patients. Also, my literary agent Katherine Flynn’s generous and expert guidance is priceless. Shana Drehs, my editor at Sourcebooks, has been on track with me from the beginning and continues to guide and inspire me.

My clinical and research experiences presented me with an urgent cry to share my knowledge with a wider audience—all of you who want to bring intimacy back into your lives.

Introduction

The photograph came from another era, the story it told long forgotten. There they were, honeymoon lovers, high on a promontory over a bright blue ocean, looking out on a shining future. Kathy and Ken were young, slender, and vibrant. Their hair tossed in the breeze, their arms were around each other in a full embrace, and they gazed into each other’s eyes.

Behind the scenes, the remarkable power of the brain was in play. Mirror neurons—minuscule brain cells that, at an internal level, connect two people who are in a meaningful relationship—linked Kathy and Ken in the most thrilling, spiritual, and sensual experience. Feelings of love, lust, and loyalty flooded them. On that promontory, with matching mirror neurons, each member of the couple reflected inner needs, desires, intentions, and goals to the other. In doing so, their mirror neurons triggered the release of brain chemicals to ensure those ecstatic feelings. Almost instantly a cascade of love-inducing brain chemicals and good-mood neurotransmitters bathed Kathy and Ken. Madly in love, they reflected to each other the promise of a fulfilling and lasting love.

Twenty-five years after that picture was taken, Kathy and Ken sat before me. Gray roots were visible under Kathy’s carefully upswept hair, and Ken’s once-wavy locks were thinning dramatically. Both of their frames seemed heavier. Ken grimaced in pain as he crossed his legs, and I could see the start of arthritis swelling in the knuckles on Kathy’s hands. All these were simply signs of aging—natural, normal, inevitable.

But simple aging had not brought this couple to my office; rather, it was the loss of the passion that the honeymoon photograph showed so clearly and vividly. Kathy and Ken were simply no longer madly in love. Mirror neurons that once activated the brain systems that stored happy memories and hopeful wishes now activated those that stored old wounds, painful interactions, and feelings of despair.

When did the love fade? Kathy wondered aloud. Ten years ago? Twenty? Last week? Ken couldn’t remember, either; he knew only that they had traveled a long way from the boundless ardor of their honeymoon photograph—a vibrant, bright fire had turned to fading embers. Love-inducing chemicals and good-mood neurotransmitters ceased to flow in the relationship; the vitality of love sputtered.

As Kathy and Ken talked, their feelings emerged. Although they still cared for each other in some way, their relationship had badly frayed. Kathy was hurt; Ken was uncomprehending. Kathy felt damaged; Ken felt rejected. Anger, resentment, and despair flew through the air. She said he was controlling and imperious; he charged that she was indifferent and frigid, that she wasn’t really trying to mend the marriage. They talked past each other, out of sync, and their frustration and sense of injury drove their words.

They were two people clearly bonded, attached by history, circumstance, even by a shared desire for change. They wanted to bring love back, but, unable to let go of past hurts, they simply didn’t know how or where to begin and didn’t know if they could even do so.

I’m here to tell you it can be done. Before I do that, though, let me tell you a little about me. Over the years, as a clinical psychologist and a psychoanalyst, I have immersed myself in the study of the anatomy of the brain and how it functions in relationships. An understanding of unconscious processes, both within ourselves and in our relationships, and an exploration of neuroscience have enriched my understanding not only of why people repeat problematic interactions but also of how to help them create deep, lasting change on a neural basis. For twelve of my twenty years of private practice, I have helped couples in therapy create change in their relationships by applying the principles of neuroscience. For example, knowing that the brain is plastic and can reshape itself has given hope to many couples and has helped them positively alter the conditions that are conducive to relationship repair.

Falling in love and being loved in return is the peak experience of human existence. It’s what everyone wants—to become the object of a beloved’s longing. That is why, when love falters and hurtful relationships erode our selfhood, it feels so much as if we are taking a painful and debilitating downward plunge. Until recently, we’ve assumed that mysterious forces or chance drove these tides of human emotion and that romantic relationships would remain enigmas—to be fathomed by poets, if at all.

Science tells another story, however. Exciting discoveries point to the incredible power that mirror neurons—the tiny brain cells that connect two partners’ internal worlds and simultaneously connect to their own multifunctioning brain systems—have on our love lives. Specifically, these brain systems that neuroscientists have analyzed indicate that mirror neurons, these infinitesimal brain cells, are wired to our functions of memory, feelings, empathy, memory, nonverbal communication, intentions, sensation, and perception. When these mirror neurons fire, or are activated, they trigger connections and associations that flash across neural pathways. When applied to relationships, this process quite literally explains how and why two people, like Kathy and Ken, or your partner and yourself, fall in love with each other, fall out of love, and can bring love back.

The brain, in short, is the real heart of love, and the mirror neurons its beating pulse. Does knowing this reduce love to a mechanical series of engineering functions? Not at all. On the contrary, research on mirror neurons illuminates the concept that we are inherently programmed from birth to bond, to attach, to empathize, and to tune into one another at an emotional level (often called attunement). By tuning into one another, we can actually empathize with feelings that are dissimilar to our own, so that we can take someone else’s perspective. And doing so is what real acceptance and intimacy are about. Studies have revealed that our brains drive us to connect—in other words, that we are wired for love. After all, love coupled with lust is the basis of our survival as a species.

Implicit in that research is the inspirational message of this book: when love fades, we can quite literally use our brains to bring it back. By learning how to rewire your mirror neurons, you will reactivate the associations and brain chemicals that first triggered communication, empathy, attunement, and erotic experience with your partner—the initial springboards to love in your relationship. You also will feel hopeful; you will dislodge painful relationship interactions from the brain and make room for fresh interactions of love.

In an intimate relationship, mirror neurons help link partners in a fluid psychological and neural system. And it takes only one person to make a change in the system. Does that mean that one person can single-handedly change the entire dynamic of a relationship? Not exactly. It does mean, however, that when we become empowered and create change in ourselves, our partners—whose impulses are linked to our own by their matching mirror neurons—are more likely to change as well.

As powerful as mirror neurons that connect partners are, they are not a cure-all. And change in one partner does not guarantee change in the other; rather, it takes the determination and persistence of both partners to create new loving conditions that are more conducive to bringing back intimacy. Relationship changes occur on a two-way street of hard work by both partners. Unfortunately, no matter how hard one person tries to change, the other partner may refuse to put in the work to change him- or herself. Hopefully, your partner does share your wish to revive the relationship and will climb on board with you. As you modify how you relate to your partner, there is a far greater chance that your partner will modify how he or she relates to you.

Does this mean that you and your partner have a good chance of rekindling the embers of a relationship gone cold? That with work you can change a dynamic of damage into one of positivity, wholesomeness, and restoration? That your faded love can once again burn brightly? That even as you age, you can recharge the intense passion of the early days? That your partner and you can once again set your bodies, minds, and souls soaring? Yes, that’s exactly what it means!

Understanding the biology and chemistry of love—how love comes, fades, and revives—is the foundation of this book. Through a series of step-by-step exercises based in that science, you will learn how to harness the power of your brain to stockpile the skills you need to deal with relationship problems. Armed with these skills, you can actually help rewire your partner’s brain, and you will learn how to attack negative relationship dynamics and replace them with positive, intimate ones.

Now let’s go back to Kathy and Ken to see how they harnessed the power of their brains to change their dynamics of pain back to those of love. When Kathy reflected on her past, she encountered none other than her overbearing, critical mother, who told her what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. I married my mother, she said, wincing. Ken is so controlling, just like my mother was. In therapy, we dug a little deeper to learn that, as a child, Kathy complied with her mother’s dictates and, in so doing, lost her own sense of self-mastery. Hampered by feelings of inadequacy, she grew up feeling dependent, insecure, and effectively unable to make decisions for herself.

Ken was a strong, independent man who had always made all the decisions, whether or not Kathy liked it. When things did