The Surprising Purpose of Anger: Beyond Anger Management: Finding the Gift
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You have an alternative. By practicing the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) process you can use that anger to serve a specific, life-enriching purpose. It tells you that you're disconnected from what you value and that your needs are not being met. Rather than managing your anger by suppressing your feelings or blasting someone with your judgments, Marshall Rosenberg shows you how to use anger to discover what you need, and then how to meet your needs in constructive ways.
This booklet will help you apply these four key truths:
- People or events may spark your anger but your own judgments are its cause
- Judging others as "wrong" prevents you from connecting with your unmet needs
- Getting clear about your needs helps you identify solutions satisfying to everyone
- Creating strategies focused on meeting your needs transforms anger into positive actions
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The Surprising Purpose of Anger - Marshall B. Rosenberg
2240 Encinitas Blvd., Ste. D-911, Encinitas, CA 92024
email@PuddleDancer.com • www.PuddleDancer.com
For additional information:
Center for Nonviolent Communication
5600-A San Francisco Rd., NE, Albuquerque, NM 87109
Ph: 505-244-4041 • Fax: 505-247-0414 • Email: cnvc@cnvc.org • Website: www.cnvc.org
The Surprising Purpose of Anger
Beyond Anger Management: Finding the Gift
© 2005 PuddleDancer Press
A PuddleDancer Press Book
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other mechanical or electronic methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except for use as brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses as permitted by copyright law. To request permission, contact the publisher at the following address, Attention: Permissions Coordinator.
PuddleDancer Press, Permissions Dept.
2240 Encinitas Blvd., Ste. D-911, Encinitas, CA 92024
Tel: 1-858-759-6963 Fax: 1-858-759-6967
www.NonviolentCommunication.com Email@PuddleDancer.com
Ordering Information
Please contact Independent Publishers Group,
Tel: 312-337-0747; Fax: 312-337-5985; Email: frontdesk@ipgbook.com or visit www.IPGbook.com for other contact information and details about ordering online
Author: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Editor: Graham Van Dixhorn, Write to Your Market, Inc.,
www.writetoyourmarket.com
Cover and Interior Design: Lightbourne, Inc., www.lightbourne.com
Cover Photograph: Digital Vision collection from
www.gettyimages.com
Manufactured in the United States of America
1st Printing, Fall 2005
10 9 8 7 6 5
978-1-892005-15-1
Contents
A Brief Introduction to NVC
Anger and NVC
It Works Even If Only One Person Applies It
Steps to Handling Our Anger
The First and Second Steps
Evaluating Triggers That Lead to Anger
Trigger Versus Cause
An Illustration of Stimulus Versus Cause of Anger
The Third Step
Judgments
Developing a Literacy of Needs
The Fourth Step
Punishment and Anger
Killing People Is Too Superficial
Workshop Interactions
From Philosophical to Tactical to Practical
Example of One Woman’s Anger
Getting Understanding From Others About Our Feelings and Needs
Enjoying the Judgment Show in Your Head
Take Your Time
An Invitation
Anger Sound Bites
The Four-Part Nonviolent Communication Process
Some Basic Feelings and Needs We All Have
About Nonviolent Communication
About PuddleDancer Press
About the Center for Nonviolent Communication
Trade Books From PuddleDancer Press
Trade Booklets From PuddleDancer Press
The Surprising Purpose of Anger
A Q&A Session With
Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
In The Surprising Purpose of Anger Marshall Rosenberg shares his unique perspective on the role anger can play in our life. He challenges us to shift from the idea that anger is something to be suppressed. Instead, anger is a gift, challenging us to connect to the unmet needs that have triggered this reaction. Rosenberg reveals common misconceptions about anger and points out that our anger is the product of thinking. A discussion of anger easily supports a better understanding of Nonviolent Communication because it touches on so many key NVC distinctions. Living from your heart, making judgment-free observations, getting clear about your feelings and needs, making clear requests, and supporting life-enriching connections all relate to how we respond to anger
A Brief Introduction to NVC
NVC evolved out of an intense interest I have in two questions. First, I wanted to better understand what happens to human beings that leads some of us to behave violently and exploitatively. And secondly, I wanted to better understand what kind of education serves us in the attempt to remain compassionate—which I believe is our nature—even when others are behaving violently or exploitatively.
I’ve found in my exploration into these two questions that three factors are very important in understanding why some of us respond violently—and some of us compassionately—in similar situations. These three are:
• First, the language that we have been educated to use.
• Second, how we have been taught to think and communicate.
• Third, the specific strategies we learned to influence ourselves and others.
I have found that these three factors play a large role in determining whether we’re going to be able to respond compassionately or violently in situations. I have integrated the type of language, the kinds of thinking, and the forms of communication that strengthen our ability to willingly contribute to our own well-being and the well-being of others, into this process that I call Nonviolent Communication (NVC).
NVC focuses attention on whether people’s needs are being fulfilled, and if not, what can be done to fulfill these needs. It shows us how to express ourselves in ways that increase the likelihood others will willingly contribute to our well-being. It also shows us how to receive the messages of others in ways that increase the likelihood that we will willingly contribute to their well-being.
Anger and NVC
When it comes to managing anger, NVC shows us how to use anger as an alarm that tells us we are thinking in ways