Ready or Not ... Out I Come!: A Journey from Conception to Parenthood

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Introduction

Every day do something that will inch you closer to a better tomorrow. — Doug Firebaugh

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us. — Helen Keller

Congratulations! You’ve decided to embark on a wonderful journey … and all that nice gooey stuff. Actually, this isn’t one of those books. It started out like that, but I decided that my writing had to be real. It had to be from my experience. After all, that’s all I have.

My story isn’t out of the ordinary. I know many other women who have been through more challenging situations than I, but this is my story and I felt the need to share it.

I wanted to share my journey because it’s been one hell of a ride so far, and nothing like I imagined. In fact, I’m not sure any of it has gone to plan! That’s the problem with having a plan in the first place — all those fixed expectations and schedules, and putting pressure on ourselves. When nothing works out as you plan, what is the plan then? What happens next?

This book is not all doom and gloom. It’s about the things people don’t tell you about trying to start a family, being pregnant, having a miscarriage and having a child. These things aren’t as easy as they’re sometimes made out to be. There are two outcomes in particular that I would like to see for this book:

I’d like to see people open up more about miscarriage. Why is it still a taboo subject?

I’d like to see more counselling services offered to mothers with babies in special care nurseries.

So this book is to help other women who may be having similar experiences to mine, with stories and facts to help you make sense of it all, and help you remember that you aren’t the only one in your situation. I also thought it might help people understand how to support someone who is going through a difficult time with trying to conceive, with miscarriage or childbirth.

Once I opened up about my experiences, other people I knew began sharing their stories with me. I was floored by what they were telling me. I thought I knew a lot about these people I had worked with or known forever, but I had no idea what they were keeping to themselves. I couldn’t believe what they told me about trying to conceive a child. Some stories were heartbreaking, making what I was going through seem insignificant. So many people I know have shared a story about a miscarriage they have had in the past, making me wonder why we don’t share this information with other people until they first open up with their own story. Why do we keep our suffering and hardships bottled up?

I wanted to share not only my story but the stories these people offered me. At the end of most of the chapters, I have included stories from other people. I know this has been difficult for those people, and I thank them for opening up and sharing their amazing stories.

I think we make life harder for ourselves when we hold onto an ideal, a picture, of what we think our life is supposed to look like, instead of letting this picture go and just allowing life to happen. Even when it’s clearly outdated, we continue to hold onto this ideal image or plan. I am someone who has struggled when events have not gone according to my ‘plan’. Just because we don’t have the mansion, we haven’t captured the fantastic job of our dreams, we haven’t fallen pregnant straight away and had children by the age we thought we would have, it doesn’t mean things aren’t working out exactly as they are supposed to. I can’t help but wonder when we will open our eyes, see what lies in front of us, and be happy with what we have.

From the beginning

There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth — not going all the way, and not starting. — Buddha

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. — Eleanor Roosevelt

For much of my life I didn’t want to have children. When I was a little girl, of course, like most little girls, I wanted to have kids. Two of them: a boy and a girl. But by the time I was fifteen or so, I had more of an idea of what that meant and decided I didn’t want kids. It looked like a lot of work and I figured there would be a fair amount of pain involved. Basically, it all looked too hard.

From my late teens to my early twenties, whenever people tried to convince me otherwise, I only became more adamant that I would be childless by choice. I didn’t enjoy people telling me what I would and wouldn’t do in my life. It wasn’t their decision to make.

It wasn’t that I disliked children. I loved spending time with my nieces and nephew, and with my friends’ children. In fact, I was there for the birth of my niece and spent lots of time with her before I moved interstate. It was just that I felt I wasn’t prepared to be a mother. There were still so many things I wanted to do in life first and, quite frankly, I was enjoying just looking after myself — which at times was hard enough. I was still working out who I was and what I wanted out of life.

However, after spending a lot of time with my friend’s little boy, I could see the enjoyment that having a child could bring. I could also see the hard work, but wasn’t so afraid of it any more. My husband and I loved looking after him and keeping him entertained. I always felt exhausted when he left our house, but I was starting to feel more confident with looking after a baby, then a child. I even got pretty good at changing his nappies.

By the time I was in my late twenties and preparing to marry Mark, who is now my husband, something was beginning to change. I was more open to the idea of having a baby — a baby with my husband. He was the first person I had ever thought of having a child with — I certainly couldn’t have imagined having a child with any previous boyfriends. I guess I needed to find my match first before I could even consider going down that path.

At thirty, I knew for certain that I wanted a baby. Everyone had told me it was around this age that the desire to have a child would kick in. Everything seemed to be falling into place and it felt like the right time. I felt that I would be able to handle a new challenge. I wanted to pass on my knowledge to another generation and help a little one grow. I was looking forward to experiencing the unconditional love that everyone spoke about.

Broaching this subject was a little daunting. When I was first dating Mark, I told him I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids or not, meaning that he had to be OK both with the thought of never having children and with the possibility that I might change my mind and want to have them. If he was going to be with me, he had to be happy with this situation.

Finally deciding that I did want a child with him was a huge decision. I needed him to want it too and to be supportive; otherwise I wasn’t prepared to go through with it. I didn’t want to be the only one looking after a child if he didn’t want to be 100 per cent involved or committed.

Luckily for me, he knew what was coming, as I had been hinting for a while beforehand. He wanted to go down this path with me, and he assured me he would be there for me — for us. We agreed we wanted to bring a child into our relationship and into the world.

Trying to conceive

There are many paths to the top of the mountain, but the view is always the same. — Chinese proverb

Knowledge can be communicated but not wisdom. — Hermann Hesse

The time it takes to conceive a child is different for every couple. The average time is six to twelve months. Some people are very lucky and conceive straight away, while others take a lot longer, which can become very stressful. Many couples find that problems arise as they try to conceive. They may discover fertility issues or they may need to go through IVF. Unfortunately, trying to conceive entails many unknowns — no one can tell you how long it will take, or if it will even be possible for you to conceive naturally with your partner.

For us, trying to conceive started in January, seven months after we decided to start a family, when I went off the pill. We didn’t intend to begin trying to conceive for a few months, as I’d been on the pill for twelve years and wanted to get my body back into a normal cycle. At this time, I also started to chart my temperature every morning as well as my menstrual cycles.

I also decided that I wanted to commit to a preconception plan, which meant improving my diet, exercising regularly, taking the right vitamins, having medical and dental checks, updating my vaccinations, having blood tests and cutting down my alcohol intake. It wasn’t enough just for me to do this, though — I wanted my husband to do the same. After all, he had a very important role to play too!

We started this plan in February, and my world soon revolved around it. I think I probably know way too much about fertility and how it works now! I began researching to understand how it all happens, and discovered that it’s not just random sex — there is a lot of timing involved. I started charting the basics: my temperature every single morning (without fail, and occasionally in the afternoon too); my menstrual cycles, which were all over the place; sex; and my cervical mucus. I used ovulation predictor kits and learnt that women’s bodies give clear signs when ovulation is approaching. Formerly I had no idea about any of this, and had certainly never thought about my cervical mucus or noticed how it changed depending on where I was in my cycle.

I also joined a local online chat site about trying to conceive to connect with likeminded women. This was helpful; as I could read previous posts and ask any questions, including those I was too embarrassed to ask someone face-to-face.

Once we had officially started trying to conceive, that was all I could think about. Our first month of trying was overseas in May and for some reason I was sure we had nailed it. Not long after we arrived home from our holiday, I realised we hadn’t. For the next few months I went into a downward spiral of obsession, negativity and depression. For some ridiculous reason, I just assumed I would fall pregnant straight away, especially as we were charting and knew when I was ovulating. I quickly became frustrated with the whole process. Every month would seem like an eternity, with a slew of devastating emotions every time my period would appear. The stress of checking temperatures and