The Perfecting Storm: Experiencing God's Best Through the Trials of Marriage

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Chapter 1

When the Perfect Storm Hits

It is a lovely thing to have a husband and wife developing together and having the feeling of falling in love again. That is what marriage really means: helping one another to reach the full status of being persons, responsible and autonomous beings who do not run away from life.

-Dr. Paul Tournier

I was blind—but now I see (at least a little). I was dead, and now I'm alive again. I thought I knew; I thought I saw clearly; I thought I had it all together. I came from the good family, had the education, the degrees, the house, the car, plus the handsome husband and even the kids. But I didn't know; I didn't see; I absolutely did not have it all. The truth is, I was empty, void—lost.

The Refining Fire

Prince William and Kate get married. Nearly the whole world watches. We all are attracted to love and happily ever after. But during the 24 hours the world watched the pre-, during, and post-wedding festivities, countless other marriages were ending.

We are captivated by love, but how do we keep it? And what is love anyway? Is it a feeling? A thought? A choice? Is it a set of behaviors? And where do we get our definition? Who teaches us to love? What if only one person in a marriage loves while the other only wants out? What if you are the one working on the marriage, not wanting to quit? What if the love you once had seems dead and gone?

These questions outline the journey we will take together in this book. It is a journey God has taken me on and brought me through to the other side. It is a romance, but not the kind Hollywood depicts. It's even better, and it's real—a Divine Romance designed and fulfilled by God! But let me warn you, it's not for the weak or faint-hearted. It's not for the quitter. It is for those who desire to seek God's heart and live in His truth above all things. It is the narrow road, the road few, according to Jesus, choose, although He desires that many would.

Perhaps God designed marriage so we are brought to the end of ourselves, completely and utterly useless in succeeding at it unless we are totally and helplessly dependent on Him and His love. That premise may not make a great movie—it goes totally against the fantasies of marriage the world says are true. But what if what God really intended is this:

• Marriage—a vehicle for refining us in fire like we've never felt before;

• Marriage—an opportunity to die to self and become more and more like Christ;

• Marriage—a relationship perfectly designed to help us learn what unconditional, selfless love really is and what it looks like.

• Marriage—an opportunity to reflect to the world Christ's love for us.

Without this kind of love, there is no way two sinful humans can accomplish the life-long commitment God asks us to carry out. Why do Christian marriages end in divorce as often as secular marriages? I believe we are not utilizing the power available to us in Christ. Possibly, we buy into the secular definition of marriage more than we realize.

Most of us, even Christians, learn from the world. We define love by what we see around us and think we know—often what the media tells us, what feels good. I certainly did that, and I didn't even know it. I was blind but didn't know I was blind. I was deceived and had no clue. I felt fully justified in all my ill-gotten feelings about my marriage. I was a trained therapist, for heaven's sake! If anyone would know the ways to a good relationship, I would. I had studied psychology, knew human nature, and had read the marriage manuals. I helped others learn to communicate, to meet each other's needs, and to have a more fulfilling life together. So why was I failing so miserably in my own home? How come what I applied at work didn't seem to apply at home? Why was I so miserable and our marriage so stagnant (according to me)? Now I see it's because God had a bigger plan. The goals I had set for myself and our marriage did not hold a candle to His.

God's Intention

From the get-go, the very beginning of everything, what in the world was God thinking? Pairing up two people, one male, one female, made in God's image yet sinners, with all their individual history, legacies, woundedness, habits, ways of thinking, likes and dislikes, and asking them to marry, stay married, and to love each other for life? It would seem impossible. And it is not humanly possible. The conditions make the pairing more suited for a perfect storm than a perfect life. Even if you happen to be in the 10 to 20 percent of easy matches I mentioned in my disclaimer (i.e., you communicate easily, have much in common, naturally enjoy each other's company), then the storms will come from outside of you. Either way, get married and storms they are a' coming.

But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this (1 Corinthians 7:28). How many of us paid much attention to that verse before getting married? I doubt that one will ever be quoted at weddings, but perhaps it should be. If we had the correct expectation of what God intends for marriage before we get married, we would be better prepared and equipped.

In this scripture, Paul is talking to married and single people in the church of Corinth. They were experiencing a lot of divisiveness, and he was citing God's truth to help unify the believers and to answer questions about their difficulties. He dug to the root of their questions and revealed the real issue at stake. His was no Band-aid answer. His rubber-meets-the-road approach differs considerably from what most people want. As a counselor, I see that, when their marriages are in trouble, people want easy answers and quick fixes:

• How do I get out of the pain I'm in?

• How do I change my spouse so my life can be better?

• How can I make my marriage better than it is?

What strikes me as I read 1 Corinthians 7 is that we have the wrong focus. Verse 31 points out that everything in this world in its current form—which includes marriage—is passing away. All that we have here on earth is temporary, so if our marriages are temporary, what should be the real focus of life with a spouse? Certainly God made it for us to enjoy—there is plenty of evidence in Scripture indicating that—but a lot of us stop there. If we are each created for a purpose here on earth and in the process we get married, then there must be some godly agenda for us being together.

In one of his eloquent sermons, Frances Chan explains these passages. This is my paraphrase of what he says: Frances and his wife got married knowing that the bigger picture and agenda for their marriage was to make disciples as commanded in the Great Commission (Matthew 28:19). They knew that together, they were to be doers of the word and not just hearers (James 1:22). Their main goal was to glorify Jesus and share Him with others. With that shared agenda, they entered into marriage. Their expectations of each other and of marriage were much different than mine used to be—and I dare say, many of yours.

Chan talks about what a joy his marriage is and how incredible it is to be supported by his wife in the endeavors into which God leads them. His is a great reflection of what God intended for marriage—a man and wife joined together in His love and working together for His purposes.

I wish I had been that evolved when I got married, but I wasn't. Many of us are in what I might call an unequally yoked marriage—one spouse is not pursuing the Lord as diligently as the other or even more difficult, perhaps is not following Christ at all. And what is the godly purpose in that kind of marriage? In 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, Paul urges those who are married to unbelievers to stay married. He says the unbelieving spouses, as well as the children, are sanctified through the believing spouse. Therefore, where God is leading you as the believing one, He will also lead your spouse. If you are in an unequally yoked marriage, then I recommend you seek God's heart and ask what the specific purpose is for you—how you are to conduct yourself in light of His calling—and follow Him.

The Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:14-30) also speaks to this issue. In the parable, servants are given talents according to their abilities and are each expected to use them to increase what they have been given. I can imagine the Lord applying this to marriage, saying to us: I know what your marriage is capable of. I know what I have given it. Use what you have and increase it. So your part is to follow Christ, treat your spouse as God intended, go wherever He leads, and trust the Lord regarding your spouse's journey. That will allow your marriage to be used for God's purposes. It may not be the same way He uses Frances Chan and his wife, but there will be a purpose for you. And remember: as you use the talents, they increase!

In God's infinite wisdom and mercy, He gave me an opportunity to increase the talents He had given me—or, I should say, to have my heart transformed so I could get it out of the mire of selfishness onto the higher ground of His agenda. This is heart transformation, knitting our hearts with His so His purposes can flow through us. Then our talents can be released.

Could that be the trouble Paul was talking about in marriages? Paul is cautioning that when two sinners get married, there will be double the trouble, and I say that only partially in jest. No one goes into marriage thinking they need a heart transplant. We generally expect a spouse to fill our hearts, not refine them! But refining is what God knows we all need.

One secular book on marriage which I don't recommend stated that since we are living longer, we should accept the idea that each of us will have more than one marriage. The author believes there is no way to stay in love or be committed for an entire lifetime. In times past, the author argues, the average lifespan was only about 50 years, so one marriage made sense, but it doesn't today. Hmmmmm, I thought when I read that, God must have known our lifespans would increase (again, after they decreased from early biblical times), and yet He still calls us to one committed relationship. I guess He must think it's possible.

The fundamental question boils down to this: what Kingdom are you going to live for? In his book, What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage, Paul David Tripp explains:

This side of heaven, there is a constant war being fought in all our hearts between the Kingdom of self and the Kingdom of God. Every battle with other people is a result of a deeper war (dying to self). When we are losing the war (hanging onto self at all costs), you live for yourself and invariably it ends in conflict with your husband or wife.¹

So here's the deal: there are two kingdoms, the Kingdom of Self and the Kingdom of God, and they look very different. Compare for yourself:

Each of us must choose which kingdom will rule our lives. Your choice takes awareness and maturity and will dictate the course of your marriage. Often we are not even aware of choosing the Kingdom of Self. We may be too wounded or deceived by things from our pasts to realize we have a choice to make. Or out of fear or self-centeredness, we cling to our own agendas and won't choose God's.

Choosing to live in the Kingdom of Self is the root of marriage troubles. While we may point to other issues—communication problems, financial stress, infidelity, in-laws, parenting—these are just indicators of a deeper root. To be sure, we need to deal with these things, but if you address these and not the root, then the same old vicious cycle will continue. If you hang onto self at all costs or it is your number one focus, the problems will be impossible to solve. The best I can say is that handling some of the other issues may lead you to the root problem, but if you don't take care of the core sin-and-selfishness issues, your ship will sink in the storm. And if you choose to leave and start again before dealing with the root, continuing behavioral problems and attitudes of the heart will be carried into another relationship. You will likely even move on unnecessarily because, until you grapple with the root cause, you can't tell what the real potential is for your marriage.

On the other hand, if your eyes are on the prize—the Kingdom of God and His will being done—the struggles in your marriage will look totally different. You will see opportunities to become more like Christ. You will discover the value of allowing God to search your heart and make changes that will bless you. You will see how it impacts not just you and your family, but the Family of Christ. Your agenda will become His agenda. Your behaviors and attitudes will line up with Him and His Word. What you choose to do and how you respond in your relationships, impacts the Body of Christ and the world! After all, how can you (we) reflect Christ's love to your spouse, kids, or the world that is watching if sacrificial love is lacking in the home?

It's a gigantic responsibility, but it's not our burden to bear. God intends for us to carry a light yoke and easy burden (Matthew 11:30). On purpose, He calls us to do things that are impossible without Him. He intends to do all the heavy lifting for us (He already has done that on Calvary and through the resurrection). We must learn to rest in what He has already done by accessing that in our lives. If we let Him do in us what He desires to do through the difficulties of marriage, He'll take care of the rest. He desires to make our marriages an illustration of the way Christ and the Church are one (Ephesians 5:32).

Oswald Chambers observed that war is a conflict of the wills, either in individuals or in nations.² We often get upset about wars going on around the world, but what about the wars in our own homes? What about the wars you can do something about? We may not be able to control people or outcomes, but if we follow God's heart and His Word and extend forgiveness, refuse to hold a grudge, turn the other cheek, and repay evil with love, then things will be different. When we make the choice to have peace right where we live, we invite the Kingdom of Heaven to come down to earth, and the effects will reverberate out to others.

If we hold onto self, what we have is a war and not a relationship. If we follow the Lord and allow Him to do the heart work needed in the difficulties, we can do our part to usher in His Kingdom and not set ourselves up for war. To have a war, it takes two sides willing to fight. For instance, if I get my feelings hurt by something my husband says, I can sling back hurtful words or behaviors (respond out of self or the flesh): Well, I remember when you did... or You are not so great yourself. On the other hand, I can pull from the grace of God and extend understanding and patience to him. I can still say, You know, that hurt my feelings, but say it in love and with patience and humility.

See the difference? I can either build a bridge or create more distance. The Kingdom of God always builds bridges even when things are bad. If you respond to hurt and anger with more hurt and anger, then you start a war. The choice you make is critical.

The Way Out, the Answer

How do you make it when your marriage disappoints, your spouse rejects or hurts you, or if your love just feels dead? What do you do when you fall out of love? How do you divert the impending war? What is the motivating factor to hang in there and forgive—or turn the other cheek—as Jesus calls us to do (Matthew 18:21-22)?

You have probably tried the right answer. I know I have, and I've watched countless friends and clients do it. They grit their teeth and out of love and obedience to Christ, do the right thing and stay married. That really means simply coexisting under the same roof and barely getting through another day. It's miserable, lonely, lifeless. No wonder we turn to idols—work, porn, affairs, eating, drinking, whatever might make the lifelessness tolerable. But is that really what God had in mind for marriage? I'll bet you know