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    Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
    Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
    Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
    Audiobook6 hours

    Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

    Written by Chelsea Handler

    Narrated by Chelsea Handler

    3.5/5

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    About this audiobook

    Welcome to Chelsea Handler's world—a place where absurdity reigns supreme and a quick wit is the best line of defense.

    When Chelsea Handler needs to get a few things off her chest, she appeals to a higher power—vodka. Seems reasonable, when considering that she discovered her boyfriend was having an affair with a Peekapoo and she had to pretend to be honeymooning with her father in order to upgrade to first class.

    In this highly entertaining, deliciously skewed collection, Chelsea mines her past for stories about her family, relationships, and career that are at once singular and ridiculous. Whether she’s convincing her third-grade class that she has been chosen to play Goldie Hawn’s daughter in the sequel to Private Benjamin, deciding to be more egalitarian by dating a redhead, or looking out for a foulmouthed, rum-swilling little person who looks just like her...only smaller, Chelsea has a knack for getting herself into the most outrageous situations. Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea showcases the candor and irresistible turns of phrase that have made her one of the freshest voices in comedy today.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherSimon & Schuster Audio
    Release dateApr 22, 2008
    ISBN9780743573658
    Author

    Chelsea Handler

    Chelsea Handler is an accomplished stand-up comic and actress, as well as the bestselling author of My Horizontal Life. She was the star of her own late-night show on E!, Chelsea Lately; was one of the stars of Girls Behaving Badly; has appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Late Night with David Letterman; and has starred in her own half-hour Comedy Central special. Chelsea makes regular appearances in comedy clubs across America and lives in Los Angeles.

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    Reviews for Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

    3.5/5

    1,001 ratings73 reviews

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    • 4/5
      Pretty damn funny. A good listen if you aren’t easily offended
    • 5/5
      I laughed to hard I cried. Literally. Chelsea Handler is young, funny and intelligent. I am 60 years old but still find that any woman can relate to her thoughts on life. I wish the book had been longer.
    • 2/5
      "Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea" is basically a collection of anecdotes about interesting and crazy memories Chelsea Handler has from her past. The stories stretched from her childhood to adulthood, including memories like the time she convinced her 3rd grade class she was going to be in a movie with Goldie Hawn, and her first DUI, through to a hilarious vacation to Costa Rica with her father and an interesting pair of friends.It's by no means an amazing book, but good for some laughs and a quick read. If you're a fan of Chelsea Handler, it's fairly enjoyable.
    • 5/5
      Chelsea Lately is the author of Are you there Vodka? It’s me, Chelsea.I enjoyed this humorous book. It was very entertaining and I laughed non stop. I would recommend this book to everyone. It’s an autobiography so the protagonist was the author and the antagonist was the people in Chelsea’s life.The covers looked nice and I would recommend this book to people with a good sense of humor.
    • 1/5
      Humor writing is REALLY hard. The author is a funny, well-known comic who in her stand-up routines is quite funny. On the written page, it doesn't work as well. Were someone to read this to you, it would be somewhat more funny, but in print reads like a breathless explosion.

      Again, were Ms. Handler to read this, I'd hope she takes no offense, because she's funny...but humor writing is HARD. Hardly anyone gets it right.
    • 4/5
      Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea is written by Chelsea Handler, who is an American stand-up comedian and host of her own show, Chelsea Lately. In her hilarious memoir Chelsea talks about her childhood, her family, her friends, drinking and men. She discusses a few funny predicaments she's gotten herself into, like when she was in the third grade and told her classmates that she was working on a film with Goldie Hawn to impress them. Or how when she was fish-sitting her boyfriends goldfish and it died while he was away, she replaced the fish with a bigger one and told him it grew due to the vitamin supplements she was feeding it. She talks about her DWI arrest and the time she served in jail, which is definitely not funny, but her observations when she was in jail had me laughing out loud. There was also a part where she discusses the male anatomy that had me in hysterics, I cried from laughing so hard. This book started off really funny, it had me in stitches, but then it fizzled toward the middle and kind of died out for me. Chelsea has a sarcastic humor that is great, but sadly, the book slowed down and the big laughs were mostly in the first half. All in all, this was a funny book and i'm glad I read it. I just wish she had kept the momentum going and gave me one final laugh.
    • 4/5
      Laugh out loud funny! Easy listen - recommend it even if you don’t love her.
    • 4/5
      Much better than the first books recording. It’s nice hearing Chelsea read her own book. That’s kinda the way it needs to be. Hopefully they’ll add more of her audiobooks on scribe if they exist that is.
    • 4/5
      I highly recommend listening to the audio version of this book. It made it so much better. It was a very funny book and I really enjoyed it. It's a collection of stories from Chelsea's life.
    • 5/5
      OMG. Carried this around in my purse for a few days and pulled it out whenever I needed a good laugh. Freaking hilarious. Chelsea Handler recalls some of the more outrageous moments of her life in bite-size stories. In one passage, she recounts her time in a women's prison, in another she shares her affinity for midgets, and in yet another she recounts how her then-boyfriend cheated on her ... with a Peekapoo. Her audacity is brought to life with her ability to translate the hilarity of her life into a wonderful second book. If you enjoy raunchy books that show no mercy, then there's a strong possibity you will love this book
    • 4/5
      Chelsea Handler's uninhibited storytelling and vulgar sense of humor make for a fun read. She has a gift for storytelling that will keep you laughing through each unbelievable and sometimes embarrassing real-life journey. This book is full of good, inappropriate fun. If you offend easily, you probably should not read it. Otherwise, have a good laugh!
    • 4/5
      I love Chelsea and her book is witty and funny!
    • 1/5
      God, she is so woke I can’t bear it. There is nothing funny in this book. It is depressing as f*ck.
    • 4/5
      A hilarious collection of stories from the author's life. The topic runs the gamut from dating to family to awkward social engagements to travel. I laughed out loud several times and even did an actual spit take at one point.
    • 2/5
      This book was a fast and fun read. The only downfall was that some of the stories Handler believed to be funny, were really not. There is a specific chapter that absolutely disgusts me and I'm sure those of you who haven't read it will recognize it when you come to it. I really didn't find that chapter to be funny at all. It mainly just made me sick to my stomach. I have never read any of Handler's books until this one nor have I ever watched her on TV. I borrowed this book from a friend (thankfully I didn't purchase it). I think my humor in comparison to Handler's humor is completely different. The beginning of the book was great and made me laugh out loud. But as I continued on into the middle and the end of the book it was kind of bland and basically just boring.
    • 3/5
      It's a good book with some solid laughs. My favorite essay so far is "Chelsea in Charge" about Chelsea's babysitting experiences. That was laugh out loud funny.
    • 5/5
      I enjoyed this a lot more than I thought I would (even though I like Chelsea Handler, this is different from a lot of the books I read) and it was super-easy to read. I used to love her show and thought her personality was hilarious. I think she has other books and I enjoyed this one so much that I plan on reading others she may have. I actually have 2 copies of this book, on accident, because my thriftbooks account accidentally ordered a few books I got from there a second time. And when I say my account did it, I mean it was most likely my fault not paying attention while going on a major book buying spree. Sadly, it happened more than once so I know of at least 4-5 different titles that I have multiple copies of. I guess there are a lot worse things in life than that. #nerdproblems
    • 4/5
      This book was an embarrassingly guilty pleasure.
    • 3/5
      Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
      By Chelsea Handler
      2008
      Simon Spotlight

      Any Chelsea fans out there? Whether you love her or loath her, you will definitely react to her humor. And this collection of essays is typical Chelsea. She is mean.....nasty.....insincere.....a shit storm on the horizon. Her cold and unfeeling slant really brings home the humor and .....you will love her or hate her......it's hard not to laugh. We have all been there! The humor will offend some......
      I liked this, overall but the best essays were the first 3. And chapter 10, in my humble opinion.
      Interesting quotes:
      Chapter 2: Chelsea In Charge
      P.20
      " I have always been suspicious, but from that moment on, I knew without a doubt that my parents and I were not on the same page. We weren't even in the same book."
      P.27
      "There was more adult supervision at the Neverland Ranch than there was in my house growing up. When a week before my fourth birthday, my parents told me to plan my own birthday party -I knew I was pretty much on my own."
      Chapter 3:Prison Break
      P..57
      "It was quickly becoming apparent to me that this situation was much more serious than I realized. This was turning into a full blown episode of 'SuvivorWoman:Women of The Outback'. Not only were some of these women behaving like wild indians, but looking around the room, I knew that if I had any hopes of blending in, I would have no choice but to get a tattoo. "
    • 3/5
      This girl is really funny on TV: raunchy, but not gross, it just is better on TV. Reading it requires me to imagine her delivery, and that is a strain. It is astill funny, but not as funny as watching her tell these stories live!
    • 4/5
      The chapter on dog sitting alone was worth reading this book.
    • 4/5
      I love celebrities who are as bizarre as I am, so of course I found this book hysterically funny.
    • 3/5
      Stand-up comedian Chelsea Handler casts the net wider with even finnier results, recalling the most noteworthy highs and lows of her life to date - including her efforts to diversify by dating red-haired men, her obsession with midgets, and the dog-sitting interlude in which her boyfriend became overly familiar with a peekapoo.
    • 3/5
      Entertaining for a lightweight, easy read. I wasn't expecting genius when I got the book, but I very much enjoyed it!
    • 2/5
      I am not familiar with the author or her material. What has been described as sharp cutting humour I found a little crass and quite harsh. I found the short stories contained quite disjointed and it was a struggle. There was some humour and I think if you could read it "in character" it would probably be a book for the fan already.
    • 1/5
      I can't seem to comprehend why or how people think this woman is funny.

      With the exception of one line on page 137 where she's writing about her friend Ivory's blunt honesty: "Her style is more direct and she doesn't lie. While she's a very supportive friend, she makes no bones about telling people the absolute truth, no matter what. When months earlier I had gotten my eyebrows bleached in hopes of making my hair color look more natural, she said, 'You look like an albino, and not one of the fun ones. You need to get your money back and have them fix it. If they can't fix it, you're better odd without any at all.'

      Other than that, I didn't laugh or even crack a smile......
    • 3/5
      Actual rating: 3.5/5 I'm not a big Chelsea Handler fan. I don't watch her show, Chelsea Lately, though I've seen it. I've watched her stand up "Uganda Be Kidding Me" which made me giggle at parts and that's about my extent of Chelsea Handler-ness. I picked up this book while I was leaving work. I noticed it on the bargain table and thought, "hmm, it's already super cheap, plus with my employee discount, it'll be even cheaper... why not? It might make me giggle like her stand up.." so by that and only that, I picked it up to read it as an 'in between' book. I didn't really enjoy the first chapter. Honestly after that, I was scared to read the rest and wondered if I'm just gonna waste my time with this. But I can't base a book just on the first chapter, otherwise I would have put down many a great books. I will say the stories do get better the further you get into the book (my personal favorite chapter being "Mini-Me"). I give the occasional "hmph" laugh through my nose every once in awhile, but other than that, I probably won't ever read this book again. Maybe Chelsea Handler fans enjoy it a little more? I'm not sure... but honestly it's not as crude as I thought it would be from the little I do know of her.. and I can't figure out if I believe that to be a good thing or bad...
    • 1/5
      I read the first couple of chapters and couldn't get any further. Didn't find much humour.
    • 3/5
      This is her follow-up to her debut book, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands. While I pretty much adored that book, I didn't like this one quite so much. Don't get me wrong, it was definitely funny; some of its chapters were funnier than others. I think it was mainly that the offensive nature of some of the humor and some of the comments was enough to make me feel a bit more uncomfortable reading it.In the first book, her father made some pretty disgusting comments that had an incestuous undertone to them. Those sorts of comments continue into this, and they always made me want to vomit. If he was really like that toward her, then it explains a lot about not only her humor, but her personality in general. Other things from the first book were addressed in this book. Her compulsive lying issue was mentioned in the first chapter of this book, when as a child she had to write Goldie Hawn to ask for her to back up some of her lies. This book marked the first time she'd talked about her dislike of redheaded men in one of her books. It was actually kind of enjoyable. I hope that saying that doesn't make me the worst ginger ever, but I kinda liked seeing her making fun of redheaded me; probably because I don't find them attractive either. It was also enjoyable to read about her tales of regifting, going to jail for fraud, and, oddly enough, Peekapoos licking her Persian boyfriend's genitals. (Yes, that last one is in there, and yes, that part was funny to read.) And sometimes I wondered if this woman who comes across as being so crass is also equally naïve.The funny parts of the book were good, but it wasn't really great. In fact, it felt like there was nothing truly extraordinary about this book. It definitely could have been better. As I mentioned, there was some offensive humor, which might seem like something you'd expect from Handler, but some of it was just way out there. The offensiveness and crassness of this book was just a little more overwhelming than I felt it should be. Maybe that's just me, though.
    • 2/5
      God, I hated this book. Yet, I kept reading until the end and I don't know why. I didn't laugh once.
      More specifically, I hated the version of herself that Handler presents. It reminds me of a teenager who is desperately trying to be cool (I'm so funny because I'm rude to my Dad! Drink driving is so cool and fun! I am such a drunk because I had two martinis and carry vodka around in a flask! Eww, redheads are gross!) It's obviously an exaggeration of her personality, because I doubt she would have any friends left if this was the only side of her, and this just made the book seem insincere to me.