Under the Microscope
1 You don’t need to say ‘in the morning’ if you use ‘a.m’. There’s also an argument that beginning a story with the time doesn’t have much impact on the reader unless it’s instrumental in the story somehow. The hour itself is less compelling than the detail that comes after it.
2 This is a good line. It has subtle emotion and the teaser about not coming back. That’s an effective hook.
3 The fact of not being able to say goodbye is another emotional jab. But the comma isn’t necessary.
4 I think it’s enough if she’s pacing. You don’t need to add that she’s nervous. Why else do people pace in their own house, unless they’re practising military manoeuvres? You also needn’t say it’s on the floor; gravity dictates that other options are unlikely.
5 There should be a comma after ‘Trisha’.
If she tried to whisper,
