Introduction

 Infidelity is complex and has a lot of components its

existence.
 It’s important to understand that being unfaithful is
not something that happens overnight. Infidelity can
be more than just physical betrayal.
 The topic of infidelity and cheating spouses is
everywhere. We hear about it frequently in the media
and have seen the marriages of friends or relatives that
have been devastated by affairs.
Introduction
 Upwards of 40 percent of married couples are
impacted by infidelity. Risk factors such as personality
disorders and childhood issues, as well as
opportunities such as social media and poor
boundaries, can increase the chance that one of these
reasons will actually lead to some type of affairs.
Introduction
 An affair is a romantic and emotionally intense sexual
or emotional relationship with someone other than
your spouse or partner. Generally, affairs do not last
long and occur between two people who are not
married or otherwise committed to one another.
Defining "Affair"

 Typically, an affair is considered a betrayal of trust. It

has the ability to cause significant distress in
relationships and there are many reasons why people
cheat on their partners.
 Affairs are commonly referred to as "adultery" among
married couples and "infidelity" among common-law
spouses and committed partners.
Defining "Affair"

 An affair can go by other names as well, depending on

the type of affair involved.
 An affair being referred to as a love affair, an
emotional affair, a fling, or extramarital relations.
 Some people simply call it being unfaithful or cheating
as well.
Types of Affairs
 Romantic Affairs
 Affairs may be romantic, which is also referred to as
"an affair of the heart.“
 These are sometimes in the form of sexual liaisons
among unwed or wedded parties, though that is not
always the case.
Types of Affairs
 Casual Affairs
 A casual relationship is a physical (and often
emotional) relationship between two people who may
engage in sexual relations. However, they often do so
without the expectation of a more formalized
romantic relationship.
Types of Affairs
 Emotional Affairs
 An emotional affair is one that lacks sexual intimacy
but has intense or enduring emotional intimacy.
 Emotional affairs can easily evolve into sexual affairs
and be just as threatening to the primary relationship.
Types of Affairs
 Cyber Affairs
 An online affair, or cyber affair, is one that occurs online. It
may be anonymous; between individuals who may know
basic information about one another, like their names, but
have never met; or with someone the person knows in real
life. This affair is carried out via chat, webcam, email, text,
and other forms of communication. The partners involved
in a cyber affair may never meet in person, but the
emotional connection and sensual nature of the affair can
strain the committed relationships one or both participants
are in.
Types of Affairs
 Sanctioned Affairs
 The term affair might also describe part of an
agreement within an "open" marriage (or open
relationship).
 With a sanctioned affair, a couple agrees upon which
forms of sex are permitted with someone other than
their primary partner.
Considering the Risk of an Affair
 The one thing that all these types of affairs have in
common is that they are very personal for all parties
involved.
 They can complicate long-term relationships and often
bring with them many emotions, both bad and good,
depending on your position and perspective.
The Factors of Infidelity
 There are number of risk factors and causes for
infidelity, but it's important to point out that a partner
doesn't cause their spouse to cheat. Whether it was a
cry for help, an exit strategy, or a means to get revenge
after being cheated on themselves, the cheater alone is
responsible for cheating.
The Factors of Infidelity
 Unhappiness/Dissatisfaction: Dissatisfaction with
the marriage either emotionally or sexually is
common.
 Marriage is work, and without mutual nurturing
couples may grow apart.
 A sexless is often claimed as a reason by both men
and women. Sexual satisfaction is a primary driver of
affairs for wives as well as husbands.
Motivations Differs by Sex
 Men are more likely to have affairs than women and
are often seeking more sex or attention. Men express
their love in a more physical way—they often don't
have the perfect "feeling words" for their wives. So sex
becomes an important path to connection and
intimacy. If men aren't sexually satisfied, they take
that rejection to heart, and it can easily translate to
feeling "unloved.“
Motivations Differs by Sex
 When women cheat, they're often trying to fill an
emotional void.
 Women frequently complain of disconnection from a
spouse, and of the wish to be desired and cherished.
Women are more likely to feel unappreciated or
ignored, and seek the emotional intimacy of an
extramarital relationship.
The Factors of Infidelity
 Feeling Unappreciated: Feeling unvalued or
neglected can lead to infidelity in both sexes, but is
more common in women.
 When both partners work, women still often carry the
brunt of the work when it comes to caring for the
home and children. In this situation, the affair
validates the person's sense of worthiness.
The Factors of Infidelity
 Lack of Commitment: People who are less
committed to their relationship are more likely to
cheat.
The Factors of Infidelity
 Boredom: As noted, boredom can lead to an affair in
both men and women who are looking for the thrill of
the chase and the excitement and passion associated
with newfound love. Some people claim that, rather
than looking for a substitute for their partner, their
fling is a way to spice up their marriage. Falling out of
love is also frequently cited as a reason for cheating,
but maybe a lack of understanding of the normal
maturing of love in marriage.
The Factors of Infidelity
 Body Image/Aging: Illustrated frequently by stories
of middle-aged men having an affair with women the
age of their daughters, cheating may sometimes be a
way for a man (or woman) to prove that they still "have
it." Hand in hand with these thoughts, a spouse may
cast blame for their own indiscretions by claiming that
their spouse has "let himself/herself go."
The Factors of Infidelity
 Revenge: If one partner has had an affair or has
damaged the partner in some way, the offended
partner may feel a need for revenge resulting in an
affair (previous cheating).
The Factors of Infidelity
 Secondary Factors
 The Internet: Having an affair, especially an
emotional affair, is much easier than in past, and social
media sites have been implicated in many affairs and
divorces. Internet infidelity or "online cheating" is still
cheating, even if the two people never met face to face.
The Factors of Infidelity
 Secondary Factors
 Pornography: While it has role in marital infidelity
has been downplayed, pornography is dangerous to
marriage and has clearly been demonstrated to be a
"gateway" for some people. Unfortunately,
pornography has become much more accessible to the
internet.
The Factors of Infidelity
 Secondary Factors
 Opportunity: Periods of absence, whether traveling
for work or serving in the military provide greater
opportunity for an affair to occur. Not only do these
absences allow a spouse to have an affair with little risk
of being discovered, but the absence may lead to the
loneliness and resentment often cited as reasons.
The Factors of Infidelity
 Secondary Factors
 Poor Boundaries: Poor personal boundaries, or the
limits we place on other people as to what we find
acceptable or unacceptable, can also increase the
chance that an affair will occur. People who find it
hard to say no may find themselves in an affair even if
it wasn't what they desired in the first place.
Risk Factors with an Individual
 Addiction: Substance abuse issues, whether it is
addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling, or something
else, are clear risk factors.
 Alcohol, in particular, can reduce inhibitions so that a
person, who would not consider having an affair when
sober, may cross the line.
Risk Factors with an Individual
 Personality Disorders and Psychological
Issues: People who have strong narcissistic traits or
personality disorders such as narcissistic personality
disorder or antisocial personality disorder are more
likely to cheat. With narcissism, an affair may be
driven by ego and a sense of entitlement.
Risk Factors with an Individual
 Mental Illness: Some mental illnesses, such as
bipolar disorder are a risk factor for cheating in
marriage.
Risk Factors with an Individual
 Childhood Issues: Having a history of childhood
trauma (such as physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or
neglect) is associated with a higher chance that a
person will cheat (if he or she has not addressed the
trauma and has unresolved issues). Exposure to
infidelity in childhood can also increase the risk of
infidelity.
Risk Factors with an Individual
 Sex Addiction: Certainly, sex addiction in one partner
increases the chance that they will be unsatisfied with
the physical aspect of their marriage and look
elsewhere.
Risk Factors with the Relationship
 Problems in the marital relationship can also be a risk
factor for Infidelity.
 Lack of communication
 Emotional and/or physical disconnect
 Low compatibility (people who married for the wrong
reasons
 Domestic violence and emotional abuse
 Financial pressures
 Lack of respect
Overcoming Infidelity
 Just as in any personal relationship, there are no right
or wrong answers when it comes to dealing with an
affair in a committed partnership or marriage.
 Sometimes it can break up a marriage, while other
couples may be able to recover from the infidelity and
save their relationship through communication and
professional help.
Overcoming Infidelity
 Marriage can survive infidelity, but it is important to
remember certain facts:
 It's not easy
 It hurts
 There will probably be anger, tears, and depression
 It will take time to heal
 It will take a decision to trust again
 It will take the cheater taking responsibility and not
blaming his/her spouse for the affair
Overcoming Infidelity
 It will take the "victim" also taking responsibility for
underlying problems in the marriage
 It will take courage
 It will require serious commitment from both of you to
save your marriage
 It is likely that you will need professional help to
process what happened
Overcoming Infidelity
 Some feelings those are prominent when a couple
experiences infidelity in their marriage include:
 Shame
 Guilt
 Blame
 Anger
 Hurt
 Disappointment
 Rage
Overcoming Infidelity
 Some feelings those are prominent when a couple
experiences infidelity in their marriage include:
 Embarrassment
 Forgiveness
 Jealousy
 Lust
 Resentment
 Denial
 Mis-trust
Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)
 Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) is a specific
style of relationship therapy designed to help conflict
within relationships become opportunities for healing
and growth. The term imago is Latin for "image" and,
within imago relationship therapy, refers to an
"unconscious image of familiar love."
Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)
 Imago relationship therapy was developed by Harville
Hendrix, Helen LaKelly. In the late 1970s, both
clinicians had experienced divorce in their relationship
history. After looking for effective and evidence-based
support for understanding relationship dynamics and
finding very little in the way of helpful resources, they
chose to build from their own experiences to research
and develop an evidence-based model of counseling
that would help facilitate healing and growth in
committed relationships.
Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)
 Imago and Relationships
 The concept of imago as an image of familiar love
suggests that our early relationships teach us
something about love and about ourselves. Through
these early experiences, we develop a sense of an
identity related to love, such as what love is and what
we need to do in order to experience love from others
and feel safe.
Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)
 For example, if growing up you only received praise
and feelings of love from your caregivers when you
performed well at a task, you may move into your adult
life believing that you must perform well in order to be
worthy of love and to receive care and comfort from
your partner. If your partner turns away or shuts down
on you, leaving you feeling unloved, you might quickly
start to reflect on your own behaviors, replaying things
and looking for what you may have "done wrong" for
the person to treat you this way.
Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)
 Imago therapy is focused on using conflict and distress
and opportunities for healing and growth. Rather than
teaching people how to simply "fight better" or find
ways to avoid conflict within your relationship, imago
therapy encourages couples to lean into those
moments of distress and use them for exploration,
curiosity, and learning.
Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)
 Imago Dialogue
 One core aspect of imago relationship therapy is the
imago dialogue. This dialogue is a structured method,
facilitated by a trained imago therapist, which allows
partners to gain understanding and increase empathy.
Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)
The goals of imago dialogue are:
 Remove negative, hurtful language from
communication
 Create a safe emotional environment for both partners
to openly share
 Allow both partners equal space and eliminate the idea
that one partner has more power over the other
Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)
 Imago Dialogue
 Within this dialogue there is a "sender" and a
"receiver," the sender being the one to share thoughts
and feelings openly with their receiver. The "receiver"
practices the following three steps during the imago
dialogue:
Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)
The First step in Imago Dialogue
 Mirroring: Repeating back what you have heard your
partner say, in order to gain clarification and
understanding. The receiver does this with no
judgment, criticism or response, but simply repeating
back what they have heard their partner say.
Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)
The second step in Imago Dialogue
 Validation: The receiver works to validate parts of
what their partner (the sender) has shared, what
makes sense to them. As they are doing this, they are
letting their partner know that they "get it" and are
actively trying to understand. If there are parts that
the receiver does not yet understand, they can ask the
sender to share more.
Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)
The Third step in Imago Dialogue
 Empathy: At this point in the dialogue, the receiver
shares with their partner what they think the other
might be feeling. Sharing on this level is a way to let
their partner know they are gaining a deeper
understanding of their emotional experience, allowing
the partner to feel seen and heard
Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)
 Imago therapy is collaborative, meaning that there is
not a distinct role of a therapist as an advice-giving
authority but, rather, the therapist works together with
the couple to take a look at what is happening for them
and healing the relationship as a whole. The therapist
allows for the couple to be the experts of their
dynamic, facilitating the conversation in a way that
allows partners to learn from each other.
Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)
 Imago relationship therapy believes that there is
always a chance to heal the old wounds in relationship.
As Dr. Hendrix stated in his best-selling book,
Getting the Love You Want, "We are born in
relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we
can be healed in relationship."
Case Study
 Ben and Kathy are married couples of 3 years living in
Bangalore City. They are computer software engineers
and both of them are working in different companies.
Ben is thirty years old and Kathy is 28 years old. They
have one child in the family.
Case Study
 Ben and Kathy came in to see the therapist after Kathy
found out that Ben had been involved with another
woman. It was even more difficult since Kathy knew
the woman. She learned that they had been meeting
when Kathy thought Ben was working. Kathy is always
blaming to Ben and she is thinking of divorce.
Case Study
 Procedures
 The Therapist will facilitate them for Imago dialogue
which allows partners to gain understanding and
increase empathy. Within this dialogue Ben and Kathy
will be a "sender" and a "receiver," the sender being the
one to share thoughts and feelings openly with their
receiver.
Case Study
 The "receiver" practices the following three steps
during the imago dialogue:
 Mirroring: Repeating back what the receiver have
heard the sender say, in order to gain clarification and
understanding.
 Validation: The receiver works to validate parts of
what the sender has shared, what makes sense to
them.
 Empathy: At this point in the dialogue, the receiver
shares with the sender what the sender thinks the
other might be feeling.
Case Study
The Imago Dialogue will enable Ben and Kathy to :
 Remove negative, hurtful language from
communication
 Create a safe emotional environment for both partners
to openly share
 Allow both partners equal space and eliminate the idea
that one partner has more power over the other
Case Study
 Through their willingness to fight for their marriage
they will be able to discover, new possibilities and
reason for hope. The Imago Therapy will enable them
to deal with the damage of shattered trust. They
should enter into constructive remediation around
issues and find the cause of the infidelity.
 Thank You