7 Habits of highly

effective people
Dr. Waheed Ali Umrani
PURPOSE OF the 7 Habits

To lead your life in a truly

effective way
Foundational Principles
Introduction
 You Can Expect TO:

Achieve personal and professional goals

Develop better working relationships
with your associates and all your loved
ones
Become more effective
Sow a thought,
reap an action;
Sow an action,
reap a habit;
Sow a habit,
reap a character;
Sow a character,
reap a destiny.
HABIT
 Habits are powerful factors in our lives.
They constantly express our character
They determine the level of our effectiveness or our
ineffectiveness
WE FIRST MAKE OUR
HABITS, THEN OUR
HABITS MAKE US
 CHARACTER
AND
PERSONALITY
For the first 150 years or so
almost entire focus of the
literature was on character; on
principles
Character ethic
(Principles)
Integrity
Fidelity
Courage
Compassion
Contribution
Responsibility
Justice
 These findings became the basis for writing the 7-
habits of highly effective people.
An then because of many societal forces the emphasis
gradually shifted; in the early 1900 particularly in
1930s and 1920s away from the character ethics to
what we might call the personality ethic (techniques)
Techniques

Personality Ethic
 Personality Ethic (Techniques)

How to appear to be
rather than how to
actually be
 Lets focus on whats really happening, not on whats
appearing to happen.
 Many of these techniques have real merit, however if they
dont have their roots in the character ethic; if they dont
have their roots in principles; they wont have the power to
create enduring effectiveness.
Programs
change, practices
change, principles
do not change
 If we help individuals and
organizations to internalize
principles; they will know how to
adapt the practices to address
specific situations.
 Let me emphasize the techniques
have their place, they are very
important, we need them, you want
good
human relationships techniques,
public relations techniques,
communication techniques
Management techniques
 When we use techniques to cover
our own lack of character;
they become manipulative,
they undermine trust and confidence
You see what we really need is
Character Ethic; thats essentially
what the 7-habits is about
 INSIDE-OUT APPROACH
We give our first energies to
our own character
development, before we
focus on techniques or how
to be more effective with
others.
Gandhi, Mother, Boy and the
Sugar
Unless we work on our character,
we will not develop
TRUSWORTHINESS
 Trustworthiness is build by the combination
of both, Character and Competency.
We get of all the abilities in the world but if
we dont have the basic character; to be
reliable, to take responsibility, others will
soon learn to distrust us.
They are fearing that we just trying to meet
our own ends. Perhaps at their expense.
TRUSTWORTHINESS

Character
And
Competency
Trustworthiness
leads to trust.
Unless we return to the character ethic,
we wont have basic foundation of
trustworthiness. Trustworthiness leads to
trust.

It is needed to build effective

interpersonal relationships.
What we are
communicates far
more eloquently than
anything we say or do
For every thousand hacking at
the leaves of evil, there is one
striking at the root.
Henry David Thoreau
 In other words, lets work primarily on the roots to begin with
and build the foundation of trustworthiness.
This is one of the key areas of the focus of 7-Habits.
To build character and competence and restore
trustworthiness;
Trust in our lives, in the lives of our families, our
organizations.
Trust and trustworthiness really are the basis of interpersonal
leadership.
 The 7 Habits and principles

The 7 habits are based

upon principles,
natural laws.
First we need to understand the
concept of a PRINCIPAL and a
concept of a PARADIGM and also how
to define EFFECTIVENESS; then well
look at the 7 habits.
 PRINCIPALS
Natural Laws / Universal
Objective
Factual
Timeless
They are at work either we understand or value
them or not.
 Principles are not

Situational
Temporary
Subjective
Dependent on whether we value them
Everyone of the 7 habits
represents a principle, a
natural law
Are my values and my
habits in alignment with
principals and natural laws?
A principal is the
actual reality of the
way things are
How many here when you were in
school did a lot of cramming?
How many of you are really good
at it?
How many here have ever
worked on a farm or field?
Ever crammed on the farm?
What about development of our
mind? What would you say?
Social values or principals? The
development of the mind not the
getting of the degree.
The development of the
mind is based on
principles; the law of the
harvest. Not on social
values however, popular.
What about the body? What
would you say? Social values
or principles? Our health,
physical, mental, spiritual,
emotional is governed by the
law of harvest, by principles
not by social values.
 Everything that I have been talking
about is not easily achievable. It
takes continuous effort.
You cant fake for instance the ability
to do 20 push-ups.
You have to pay the price.
We are not in control, principles
control.
We control our actions, but the
consequences that flow from
those actions are controlled by
principles.
People will pass away, but
principles never will, they
endure.
Abraham Lincoln
Give a man a fish,
You feed him for a day,
Teach him how to fish,
You feed him for a life time
Lao Tzu
Paradigm
 Paradigm

Maps are assumptions of the

way things are.
All of us think we see the
world as it is; we see
the world as we are!
The results WE get in
life depend on what
we DO.
What we DO in life depends on
how we SEE the world around us.
 We see things as we are conditioned.
My frame of reference, my world view,
When you change your name and role as
a manager, dont you start seeing things
differently.
The quickest way to change a persons
behavior is to change their paradigm
 Activity:

What would you do when you

come here, you have a map of
Karachi, but at its top its written
Sukkur IBA, airport road.
Effectiveness
Effectiveness is getting superb results
today (product) in a way that allows us to
get those results over and over again
(production capability).
Its a P/PC Balance.
 P/PC

What happens when you

neglect the PC of your
business ?
Always treat your people
exactly as you want them to
treat your finest customers.
 P/PC Balance

Increase the economic

well-being and quality
of life of all
stakeholders.
 Activity

YOUR P/PC BALANCE

The stages
of
maturity
continuum
 Dependence

You need others to get what you

want
 Dependence is a paradigm of YOU-you
take care of me; you come through for
me; or you dont come through;
I blame you for the results.
 You get Independence
what you want through your
own effort.
Is a attitude of I. I can do it. I am
responsible; I am self-reliant; I can
choose.
Physically, financially, intellectually,
emotionally
But it is not the ultimate goal in effective
living.
There is far more mature,
more advance level. The third
and highest level in the
maturity continuum.
 Interdependence

Cooperate together
to accomplish what
we want.
 Interdepence is essential for good
leaders, good team players for success
everywhere.
Is the attitude of WE.
We can do it. We can cooperate. We can
combine our talents and abilities and
create something greater together.
 Here is a basic insight, think of it!

Until you and I are independent, we

cannot be interdependent.
You cant do calculus before we
understand algebra,
You cant do run before we
learn to walk.
We need internal self-
mastery.
Private Victories must
precede public
victories.
To lead others effectively we first
must be able to lead ourselves
effectively.
These first three habits lead us
from dependence to
independence
Habit 7

Sharpen
the Saw
Interdependence is a choice
that only independent people
can make!
 HABIT 1

Be Proactive
 Habit 1 is foundational.
Why foundational, because all of the
other habits flow out of it.
If Habit 1 is present you can cultivate
the other six, if it is not present, you
will not cultivate the other six.
Habit 1 be proactive
 Proactivity

Product of:
Values not feelings
Decisions not the conditions
 Reactivity
..Function of:
Feelings
Moods
Impulses
Other peoples treatment
The underlying
principle of Habit 1 is
to take responsibility
 Proactivity

YOU AND I HAVE THE

CAPACITY TO CHOOSE
OUR RESPONSE
 Proactivity
The capacity and the desire to
Subordinate impulses,
moods, feelings, conditions, to
values based on principles.
 RESULTS OF PROACTIVITY

You can make and keep promises

Treat others with kindness
Practice other (6) Habits.
Increased influence
More self-awareness
Greater initiatives
How many here feel better
when the weather outside is
great?
How many do better
when you feel better?
That means we are re-active to
the physical culture.
Proactive people carry
their own weather
within them
How many feel better when
you are treated better?
 What about social culture?
What if you can learn to carry
your social weather inside so that
you can be consistent in
extremely difficult situations.
Thats what is means to be
proactive.
 THE LAST HUMAN FREEDOM

The power to choose

your response to any
condition
The highest value is the power
to choose your attitude in
situations over which you have
no control.
With the right choices,
eventually the response we
choose begins to influence the
stimulus.
 This is what Victor Franklin discovered.
And through exercising his memory that
is the self-awareness, and his
imagination, and his conscience, by
asking questions such as
Liberty is condition
of the environment
Freedom is a
condition of the
person.
The more you control
your freedom,
eventually you will
influence the liberty of
your life.
Your head will
create your world.
Your response to the
stimulus will eventually
influence the stimulus.
 The hypothesis, or try to look at the
hypotheses,
What enabled these people at the death
camp to survive?
Is it their survival skills? No,
It is there intelligence? No.
Is it there health? No. - Those things were
eventually equalized. Lost.
Is it there family structure? No.
The thing that enable survival
VISION OF THE FUTURE
SENSE OF MEANING
CONTRIBUTION
Dont let the things you can do
nothing about interfere with
the things you can do a great
deal about.
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
He was smart, quick and
proactive.
Subordinate feelings to values,
cut the blood out.
Many people get hurt by
someone; they does hurt
them,
But the real injury is going
after the persons, after the
snake.
Thats what drives the poison
to the heart.
Its not what people do to
us that hurts us.
Its our chosen
response to what they
do to us that hurts us.
 Reactive people want to get back. They want to get
even.
They gather people around them, massage their
heart, validate them, and give them additional
evidence to justify them and they condemn
somewhere else out there who has done this injury.
A lot of people gather together
daily to confess the sins of their
bosses. It becomes the fabric, the
content of the tea break and the
lunch. Highly reactive.
Proactive people learn to get the
poison out and move on.
Proactive
people learn to
forgive and to
Nothing can make you feel
inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt
No one can take away your
respect unless you give it to
them.
Gandhi
 Proactive people act on the basis of
their values, their purposes, their
vision.
They dont give their power away;
their freedom their power to choose
to other peoples weaknesses.
We simply must never build
our emotional life around the
weaknesses of other people
Otherwise we disempower
ourselves and empower their
weaknesses to continue to
mess our life up.
 That habit of being proactive means a lot to
me.
I am a full time nurse to the most miserable,
ungrateful character you can imagine.
He doesnt even acknowledge me in any form
of appreciation.
The other full time nurse feels just like I do.
We almost sit around and talk about his
demise. Hope for. Wish for it. While we are
taking care of him
And for you - Did I choose to be miserable?
 But then I realized, how dependent I am.
How have I given my power to his miserable behavior.
But then I realized. Wait a minute. If I choose to be miserable;
I Can choose otherwise.
She said this is why I stood up. I wanted to share; I wanted to
proclaim my freedom. I could not contain myself. I just can
tell you what that means.
Between what happens to us
(stimulus) and our response to
the stimulus, lies our freedom.
THE FOUR HUMAN
ENDOWMENTS
 Determinism Psychology

Genetic determinism (DNA)

We will adopt a life style, so
that I didnt activate that
genetic tendency.
 Determinism Psychology

Psychic determinism
(Parents, not DNA but the way
theyve raised you..!)
 That means the first few years of childhood, how you were
treated and raised. How you were rejected. How you develop
deep psychic wounds from those abuses. So conditioned your
emotional make up, your personality, as to last to life time.
The Child is father to the men.
 Infact during the first several years, until the
time you start learning to be self-aware
THERE IS NO Separation BETWEEN Stimulus
and Reponses (The genetic tendencies are
there, the psychic discard is there).
As soon as the self-awareness begins to take
place there is separation starts between
stimulus and response. This is freedom to
choose.
 But still those tendencies are still there.
So we are powerfully influenced by
genetic and psychic forces, they are
there. BUT WE STILL HAVE THE SPACE.
 We can behave in ways that might even possibly
erase these. Or if not erase them subordinate them.
Render them non functional.
But they are still there. But the space is also there
even if its that much (very small) work on it
Environmental determinism
(Spouse, Boss, Colleagues, Culture)
 Habit 1
Is the habit of personal vision,
you can choose your
response by the exercise of
that freedom.
 Independent Will

We can act on imagination

and conscience.
The key is to take time to pause
in that space.
To tap into those human
endowments.
Remember you can choose
your actions, but you cannot
choose the consequences.
They are governed by
natural laws or
principles.
 Circle of concern: things you are concerned about, things you
are worried about.
Circle of influence: concerns you have influence about.
Where do proactive people
focus their energy?
The answer is: Circle of influence
- Inner
Where do re-active people
focus their energy?
 The answer is: Circle of concern Outer.
Why, because they are victimized.
 Look at this person, I have to live with.
Look at how my boss is dealing with my career.
She
says she has an open mind but she has a close mind.

Look at these kids they are driving

me crazy?
Always treat people as
if they are proactive.
The more you responsible are, the
more you teach them about their

respons-ibility.
 Always work on the inner circle. It is
inevitable. Its amazing thing.
 The energy there is positive. The way you
treat people, way you apologize when u make
mistakes, the way you get feedback, the way
you give feedback,
 the way you seek to understand
what important to the other (so that
your presentations are made in
terms of their frame of reference)
their language, their value system,
You constantly making deposits in
the emotional bank account.
 But if you focus outer
circle:
Withdrawals
Judging
Criticizing
Dont seek to understand
Not consistent
If you want to retain those
who are present, always be
loyal to those who are absent.
 They know you are principle centered.
That you are persons of integrity, have
standards.
You will not participate in negative
energy exchanges or do anything that in
any way would create a feeling of
disrespect.
So by working on inner circle it
get larger and larger and larger.
Executive code-words!
Bin!
 He was proactive, his life was not the function of presidents
weaknesses. He aware of, they were in circle of concern not circle
of influence therefore he smiled a lot.
He didnt disempower himself.
He used his strengths to compensate for the presidents
weaknesses.
He was strong, courageous.
Presidents strengths and his strengths compensated for presidents
weaknesses.
He also exercised some of the initiatives; he was treated for go-for.
But did not based himself on the data, he tried to anticipate the
need, I think the president wants that for a board meeting. I am
gona give him the data, analysis of the data and recommendations
based on analysis.
Next meeting!
 Activity

Circle of Influence Vs. Circle of

Concern
 Transaction Person

Story of a married couple that ended up having no

more feelings for each other!
 Feeling in our marriage is not there any more.
And yet we are concerned about our children.
Covey: Well! Love HER
GUY: I indicated the feeling isnt there. How
could I love her? The love just isn't any more
there? Any suggestions.
LOVE HER.
Well, how do you love when you
dont love? Guy asked
Love is a verb
Love the feeling is the
fruit of love the verb.
Forgiveness is a verb

Forgetting is a verb
If only one of the parties would cultivate
these proactive muscles.
You have to proactive these muscles like
doing pushups. You can all of sudden
develop strong muscle.
There is a price it has to be paid, and it
takes patience.
Try this for 30 days.
Work only on the inner
circle for 30 days.
Be a light,
Not a judge
Be a model,
Not a critic.
See if I am not responsible;
What a m I?
Irresponsible.
It easier physiologically to say I
am not-responsible than to say I
am irresponsible.
 But then you need to take a vision about
yourself that you have the power to
choose your response.
You could become a
transaction person in your
family, in your organization
How many of you see tendencies
in you, you are not happy with?
How many see some of those
tendencies going into your
kids?
How many have grand kids to see
some of those going to that
generation?
How many have seen those
tendencies into your parents
and grandparents?
Transaction Figure
Stops the transmission
of those (negative)
tendencies with you
 Habit 2
The habit of Vision
Begin with the End in
Mind
Would you tell me please
Which way I ought to go from here? Said the Alice

That depends a good deal

On where you want to go to, Said the Cat.

I dont much care where. Said Alice.

Then it doesnt matter which

Way you go, said Cat.

From Alices Adventures in Wonderland

 Where do we get our sense of who we
are?
 Where do we get our sense of what our
life is about?
Social Mirrors
Parents
Siblings
Teacher
s
Leaders
Media
Heroes
Models
 Isnt that possible the case of mistaken
identity?
 Think about it!!!
Ask yourself.! Where do I get my
knowledge of myself?
 Ask yourself!

What my vision in life is?

What is truly important to me?
 In Habit 2 Begin with the end in mind!
Is a clear and powerful decoration
 You are the guardian, the
protector of your identity, of
your future.
 Habit 1 is Awareness that you are the
programmer
Awareness that the best way to predict
your future is to create it.
 Habit 2
Decides what your life is about;
Write the program
 Another interesting thing about life is
that
It is always created twice!, Always
 Whether you take conscious control of
your creation or not, youll get definition
of yourself and of your purpose, your
meaning from the social mirror.
 The first creation is an intellectual
creation.
 The second creation is a physical
creation.
 This building where we are in now is creating
in every details before the earth was touched.

To avoid expensive
Change orders!
 I find that the key is to begin with the end in mind.
No common vision
Ask your family what is the purpose of our family.
Ask first 10 people in your organization, whats the
purpose of our organization, workgroup, BoD?
 To begin with the End in Mind applies to
every field of human endeavor.
 If you dont take charge of the first
creation, it will be done for you.
 What is it
Im about

And what are the principles I want to operate my life upon?

 Choosing a life Center

I can borrow your glasses. Please!

 I suggest that whatever you decide
should be put at the center of your life.
It will be similar to a lens
 Everything that I look at through this lens
is affected by it. Eventually you become
unaware of the lens.
 The lens I look though governs how I see
everything
 Tell me, lets say, I am in the sales business.
My work is the center.
How to I see my relatives?
How would you perceive your little children?
 Lets say you are family centered?
How do you see work?
 You must come up with a center that
enables us to have more of the good in
every other center.
What could that be??
 It will be changeless
Something that gives you a constant
frame of reference to make all decisions
Give you unleashing of your power
Influence for good
 Even if we discuss it right now, you are
listening through your center.
 Saying principles centered doesnt make
it so.
You are listening to principles through
your center.
Personal Missing
Statements
 The highest essence of habit 2 is the
development of a personal missing
statement. A personal philosophy, a
personal constitution.
 Personal mission statement

What is it I am about?
What are the principles upon which I
operate?
 And if you have the capacity in your
mind to separate the social mirrors while
answering this.
 We lead 3 lives

Public Life
Private Life
Deep Inner Life
 Study the lives of people that rose above the
difficulties, contentions, abuse, dysfunctional homes,
Study the lives of great figures in the history who
really made a difference
And you will almost always find they did profound
work on the inner life.
 Private Life is not the deep inner life.
 Deep inner life requires going inside and
looking at your private and your public
life.
 Many people unless they are in pain will
never even go into their deep inner lives.
In a sense they are being lived. Theyre
not living.
 A person cannot do right in one
department of life whilst attempting to
do wrong in another department. Life on
indivisible whole. Gandhi.
 Work on

Vision
Principles
This would be profound deep work.
 Get perspectives, take time, be patient, give
yourself several months, at least weeks, youve
got to pay a price.
Why?
There is so much history, social and psychic
history already in you
 Four Prescriptions

I find, to get into nature is extremely

helpful.
To begin to look into your deep inner life.
Can you help me! I just dont feel
good
 Yes, I have four prescriptions. But you
must follow them implicitly.
What is your favorite place?
 He is getting deeper into his inner life.
He hasnt felt this way before
 This was the tough, the core prescription
The other two were in preparation of this
 What is my center?
Whole motive structure was improperly place; incongruent with
princples
 Deep Inner Life

Reorganizing
Reorienting
Replanting new motives and desires,
congruent with higher principles.
 When you live out of your memory, you
focus upon your past.
 When you live out of your imagination,
you focus on the future.
 What lies behind us is nothing compared
to what lies within us and ahead of us.
 It teaches you, dont start writing your
mission statement, prepare to write.
You need to do this deep inner work,
prepare yourself for reexamining your
motive structure.
 Personal mission statement

What are your unique gifts?

Listen to those who see the potential in
you
Study the lives of people who have
inspired you
 You want to write a mission statement
that is timeless,
You want to write something that will
never change. Now infact as you mature.
You will change it
 Write you mission statement as if it will
never change
 Habit 3
Put first things first
The Habit of Integrity and
Execution
Your first things
 HABIT 1
Awareness you are the programmer.

Habit 2
You write the program.

Habit 3
You run it.
 Put first things first!

Is an entirely new paradigm in the field of time

management
 Habit 3

Focuses on relationship rather than

schedules.
Traditional Paradigm

Time
Scheduling
Control
Efficiency
Doing Things Faster
 Traditional Paradigm
Efficiency

hings Faster
 Have you ever tried to be efficient with a
loved one on a tough issue?
How did it go?
 New Paradigm
(Effectiveness)

The first things in

our lives are
always
relationships.
 Effectiveness

People, relationship
These are governed by a moral sense of principles, of
what is right and what is wrong
And of Integrity around those.
 Just get into this pair of glasses, this paradigm, this new map
based up:
Relationships not schedules
Principles not values
Leadership then management
Compass then a clock
 Let me show you a practical way of doing this!
What to you are the first things?
What are the most supremely important things to you?
Speaking in a generic sense people, relationship, family, health, integrity,

What are the first things? (List five or six)

Now priorities them!
 One Activity
Done Superbly Well

Now, I want you to think of one activity that you absolutely

know that if you do it superbly well consistently will produce
marvelous results
Personal Life
Professional / work life
Living a Quadrant II Life
 Key words to understand are
Importance and Urgency
 Importance

Comes from within you.

Your value system based on principles.
Your mission
 Urgent

Comes from environment

Presses upon you
Proximate
Popular
 Notice the question, what are the most important things to
you?
 Quadrant I (Urgent & Important)

Crises
Problems
 Quadrant II (Important but not
urgent)
Prevention Self-Development
Preparation Mission Statement
Planning Leadership (Quadrant)
Relationship building
Empowerment
Sharpening the saw
 Q-III (Not Important but Urgent

Pressing
Popular
Proximate right in front of you
 Q-IV (Not Urgent - Not Important)

Symbolized by small rocks

 Look at your paper, look at those two questions.
What quadrant are those answers in?
Things that matter the most to you
One Activity (Professional & personal)
 Q-II represents the big rocks but at times
it is pushed aside.
 Most executive agendas are I and III.
II is usually called the other business. It represent the big
rocks.
II gets pushed aside.
I gets larger.
 How long can you sustain Q-I life
style?
 You literally say NO to III & IV.
One of the reason people move to IV because they are so
beat-up by QI.
Things which matter most
must never be at the mercy of
things which matter least.
Goethe
 You can do QII kind of work when there is a burning YES
inside you about the mission and the purpose and the value
system.
You can say NO to all kinds of unimportant however urgent
other things may be.
 People will begin to see you differently.
But what if your boss gives you a Q-III project. What does this
makes it by definition?
What is important to another
person must be as important
to you as the other is to you.
 That why most of you have highlighted family and loved ones
as important while prioritizing.
And the things that you have written down are all of Q-II.
All 7-habits are in Q-II.
 Habit 4
Think Win-Win
The habit of mutual benefit
Private Victory to
Public Victory
The Private Victory must precede the
Public Victory. You cant invert that
process any more than you can harvest
before you plant.
Stephen R. Covey
 Emotional Bank Account

You know what financial bank account is.

If I make many many depots into this
account; it will gradually get larger and
larger.
I can even take withdrawals from it, but I
have reserve capacity.
 You can make many many deposits over the
period of time, which will build my reserve
capacity with you.
If I make a mistake, There will be a small
withdrawal.
The trust is so high. I still have the huge
reserve capacity.
If I make a huge mistake. That violates in the
deepest sense of our agreement.
It may cause emotional bank account to be
overdrawn
The Emotional Bank Account is
the production capability side of
human relationship, human
interactions.
You dont make deposits; you
only take withdrawals.
Nevertheless, if you have a
high emotional bank account;
If the quality of that
relationship is so good and the
trust is so high. You can in-fact
make mistakes, you can take
withdraws.
 How many of you have a high emotional bank
account with somebody?
A trust relationship with someone; think about the
person; that is so high. You can communicate with
them almost without words.
Can you think of people?
How many of you have such a high emotional bank
account that you can even make mistakes in your
communication?
Why?
Because they know your heart
They know what you represent
 Now the opposite:
How many have a relationship with someone; where
the trust isnt there?
Where the emotional bank account is overdrawn
 How many of you have that in your life or
now have one of those in your life?
 Now what happens when you
communicate; what happens when
you are very clear in your
communication.

It will take, they are always looking

for the hidden agendas; they are
really between the lines; what's
And if you make a small mistake
that can blow up everything.
Some simple misunderstanding
become major communication
breakdowns.
Some people even call them
PERSONALITY CONFLICTS
Stephin was conducting a workshop in an open
space; it was so beautiful. People just wanted to
be immersed into nature. They were enjoying.
One man came to Stephin; I wish I could enjoy
this thing; but I just cant.
Whats the problem?
Well! I dont know my wife just grills me like
you cant believe.
I mean she just distrust me and she constantly,
u know, examines every part of my life.
Where have you been? What did you do?
Who did you go with? What did you do
tonight? Who did you go to dinner with?
And who can I call to check about all this?
And then we talked a little while,
then he said: Off course I guess,
she has good reason for all of
these misgivings.
I mean, I made her; when I was
on these trips then I will marry to
someone else. And I remember
saying to him.!
You cannot talk yourself out of
problems you behave yourself
into
There is no short cut;
There is no quick fix;
The law of harvest governs.
Let me share with a few
examples of deposits and
withdrawals into the emotional
bank account.
 DEPOSITS

Deposit Withdrawal
Kindness, courtesy unkindness, discourtesy
Make & Keep promises Dont make promises; or make
& break them
 To make and keep a promise, its essential, let the
other person know
There is no ability like dependability
You gave your word, you kept it. The circumstances
change, you kept it. The mood change, you kept it.
You come through.
If the circumstances change to the extent that it will
be unwise to keep the promise, you immediately
communicate and give them to understand those
new circumstances. So that they will release you of
the promise.
Be very careful before you ever make a promise.
Insecure people make promises
freely and quickly all the times.
 DEPOSITS
Deposit Withdrawal
The way you manage expectations Unclear expectations
(Clear expectations) (unidentified expectations, ambiguous
expectations)
 If you sense that people are implicitly are
projecting expectations on you, sometimes
you have to say, let me clarify the
expectations.
 My frustrations are product of your
expectations.
 DEPOSITS
Deposit Withdrawal
Loyalty to the absent Disloyalty and duplicity

Another extremely important deposit;

Always be loyal to those who are not present. Speak about them as if they were present.
If you are into team building, if you are into culture building, if you are into family building, make a
commitment, everybody.
If you find any difficulty with another person what you do?
Go directly and talk to the person.
 DEPOSITS

Deposit Withdrawal
Apologize Pride
Apologize, forget and
forgive, let go of
resentment.
 HABIT 4:
THINK WIN-WIN

What we are doing is looking at How the private victory, helps

to produce the public victory that is in our relationships with
others and this is where habit 4,5, and 6 are involved.
Habit 4 as you know is to think win-win.
Habit 5 to seek first to understand, then to be understood.
And Habit 6 is to synergize
 I mean literarily everything
communicates war, contest, win-
lose.
While he is thinking win-lose; you
think win-win.
Habit 5 you always seek to the
interest of other; we start with
tension and let him win; let him win
again; so gradually he starts to learn
what is truly efficient.
 Seriously, Win-Lose poisons the
mind. You dont trust anything.
Habit 4 think win-win lies at the
heart of all relationships;
 HABIT 4 THINK WIN-WIN

Is a habit of mutual benefit; its the

habit of golden rule.
Its the habit of abundance
The underlying principle is
ABUNDANCE; there is plenty out
there; so you dont have to be
threaten by the strengths of
other people.
You can nurture competency
around you higher than your own.
 You can share knowledge, you love
to share knowledge, you can share
recognition, gain, profit
 People are always in stake of anxiety,
they always standing in packing order,
they concerned about how they dress,
how they look,
And they are threatened by the
competency around them.
 They feel that if they share
knowledge they will loose unique
advantage
It gives others the same awareness
that they have.
They will loose their power.
If they share power, they have less.
Its like a piece of pie, its only so
much
 If you get the recognition; I may not get
it.
If I share gain or profit with you; I will
have less.
Its the paradigm of scarcity not the
paradigm of abundance

Most people will never have profound

experiences with win-win people.
They dont really believe there is
such a thing as win-win.
 WIN Lose
Tough Soft
Strong Weak
Those people will in evidently
produce politicized cultures.
Where politics governs things;
really; social inventions; natural
laws will not govern.
What happens with the kids?
What about your employees?
 Or they will become models; they go for
lose-win; particularly among the so
called people and they often take out
their energy on the ones that they can
control.
So that their lose-win ABOVE, Win-Lose
Below.
What happens at the side? it depends on
the moods, the egos,
What happens in the marriage? is it
 Can you begin to see that the roots of
win-win mind-set comes deep out of
private victory
 If the private victory is real and
sincere, you are at peace.
You are centered, you are rooted,
you are established,
Your egos are not involved.
Thats why that private victory is so
foundational.
 Habit 4 Think Win-Win

Comes from abundance, not

scarcity
 Comes from the principle and
paradigm of abundance
Meaning, the pie gets larger and
larger and larger.
Why?
Because through the
interactions on the win-win
basis, a transformation begins
to take place in our nature. To
where we tap into..
More creativity
More resourcefulness
More ingenuity
More wisdom
More intelligence
 Deeper and deeper into the walls of the
organization, Deeper in our marriage, in
our family life, causing synergy to take
place.
Where the whole is truly greater than the
some of its parts.
And the wealth increases, the knowledge
increases, the power increases,
What ever paradigm you believe in will
produce the behavior to validate the
 (Attitude)
of Thinking WIN-WIN

The Method of Habit 5

Seek first to understand, then to be understood

it will lead to Fruit; Synergize

(new insights, new learnings, new heights)
 Believing in WIN-WIN

It all has to start with the person,

they have to begin to say
Im going to go for WIN-WIN
with people
 Win-win is much tougher, much tougher
than win-lose.
Why?
In the early stages,
you have to be tough on yourself,
to cultivate the empathy,
the sensitivity,
the openness,
the consideration at the same time.
To not capitulate what we have
been calling that balance of
courage and consideration.
 Maturity

Balance of courage and

consideration
 And what is maturity, a product of
integrity, being principle centered,
Integrated around principles
And you see why win-win is the
fourth habit, not the first, or second
or even third?
Can you see why it follows self-
mastery?
Win-Win means we
consent together.
If you agree to disagree, is that
not a win-win situation.
 No Deal
We agree to
disagree.
 The problem is many situations,
wont offer you this option.
Its hard to go No Deal with a child.
Its hard to go No Deal with an
employee who has been there for
say 15 years with would be
essentially win-lose to the employee.
Now if you could come up with the
no deal option, that has the
elements of win-win in it.

 Think Win-WIN

You will have quality relationships

Synergestic solutions to problems
The sprit of consensus in the culture.
The sprit of synergy in decision
Thats the end in mind, its not
that I have got my way or he has
got his-way.
Now if I am deeply committed to
win-win of no-deal; I can be so
open and honest, I dont have to
have hidden negotiation
techniques.
Gradually we conclude NO-DEAL is
best or we come up with something
that is so much better than what you
and I initially thought of.
 Four Dimensions of Win-Win

1. Character
2.Relationships
3.Agreements
4. Win-Win Systems and Processes
 1. Character

Integrity
Maturity
Abundance mentality
 2. Relationships
Nature of relationships we call it the emotional
bank account, the trust level.
If you have paid the price personally and have
cultivated these attitudes of Integrity and
Abundance and Maturity you will be in a
constant state of making deposits.
But if you have not, you may talk win-win but
they wont necessarily feel it.
 And if you have a weak relationship, a
win-lose relationship that will
unquestionably affect the third
dimension.
 3. Agreements

The commitment that you mutually

make with each other. Thats called a
Win-Win transaction.
 4. Win-Win Systems and Processes

Are they also Win-Win.

Did you establish a win-win approach to
building the character, the relationship
and the agreements.
Or are you lean on those good win-win
things, in win-lose ways.
Strive to create the spirit where
everyone can WIN without
comparisons.
How you do that, its not an
easy thing, but those who
have done it are so much
productive than those who
were always driving deep this
normal distribution curve
 The four dimensions of win-win

You know what they are?

FirstCharacter
Second.Agreements
Third.Relationships
Fourth.Win-Win Systems/Processes.
Six-Paradigms of Human Interactions

WIN-WIN
WIN-LOSE
LOSE-WIN
LOSE-LOSE
WIN
WIN-WIN OR NO DEAL
 WIN-WIN
lets find a solution that works for
both of us!
Characteristics:
Seeks mutual benefits
Is cooperative, not competitive
Listen more, stays in communication
longer, and communicates with more
courage.
 WIN-LOSE
Im going to beat you no matter
what.
Characteristics
Is very common scripting for most
Is the authoritarian approach
Uses position, power, credentials,
possessions, or personality to get the WIN.
 LOSE-WIN
I always get stepped on.

Characteristics
Voices no standards, no demands, no
expectations of anyone else
Is quick to please or appease
Buries a lot of feelings.
 Lose-Lose
If Im going down, youre going down
with me

Characteristics
Is the mindset of a highly dependent
person
Is a no-win because nobody benefits
Is a long-term result of win-lose or win.
 WIN
As long as I win, I dont care if you
win or lose
Characteristics
Is self-centered
Thinks me first
Doesnt really care if the other person wins
or loses
 WIN-WIN OR NO DEAL
Lets find a solution that works for both of
us, or lets not play

Characteristics
Allows each party to say no.
Is the most realistic at the beginning of a
relationship or business deal
Is the highest form of win-win.
 Activity

Abundance or Scarcity mindset?

 When is it best to Think Win-Win?

In situations of conflict
In long-term relationships
In interdependent situations
You dont have to blow out the other
persons light to let your own shine
Bernard M. Baruch
 Create Win-Win Agreements

Elements of an effective Win-Win Agreement:

Desired Results
Guidelines
Resources
Accountability
Consequences
 Desired results

Whats the end in mind? What are the

outcomes I want?
 Guidelines

What rules do I follow? What are

the guidelines for accomplishing
the results?
 Resources

What resources do I have to work

with (people, money, tools,
materials, technology)
 Accountability

How will we measure how well its

going?
 Consequences

What are the rewards of achieving the

outcome? What the consequences of
not achieving the outcome?
 Win-Win works great when you want
to:

Clarify expectations
Increase empowerment
Delegate responsibility
Align conflicting priorities
 Build Win-Win

For win-win to work inside a team or an

organization of any type, the systems need to
support it.
Training, communication, budgeting,
information, compensation systems- all of these
have to be based on the principle of win-win.
 HABIT 5
Seek first to understand,
then to be understood
The Habit of Mutual Understanding
You study every field of human
endeavor;
you study every problem solving
process;
In every profession without an
exception
And you will always find.
 TO UNDERSTAND PROCEEDS
ACTION
TO UNDERSTAND PROCEEDS
JUDGMENT
Lawyers go through discovery
process; often even prepare the
case for the opposing council.
Doctors diagnose! Before they
prescribe
Teachers pre-assess before they
teach
What does the immature sales person
do?
What does the professional sales
person do?
Its Habit 5;
Seek first to understand,
Then to be Understood
The tendency in almost all of
the people initially is to want
to be understood or they do
seek to understand
 They seek with the intent to reply
With the intent to in some way
influence
To someway bring the person
about
To accomplish their own ends
NOT WITH THE INTENT TO
UNDERSTAND
Why do . Wear those
glasses?
What does the optometrist do
before he prescribed?
The optometrist tried to
understand, the optometrist
was first influenced before
attempting to influence
..and that helped him in the
diagnosis and that is why. Wear
these glasses!
Can I borrow your glasses for a
second?
If we really start listening, you
may be influenced. Particularly if
our security lies in being right. If
you really seek to understand, you
run the risk, youre vulnerable.
Can you begin to get a better
understanding of why we have a
private victory of 1, 2 and 3
habits.
 Why?
Your confidence, your security comes from integrity to
principals not from being right.
So you can be the first person to say, I was wrong.
But almost everyone anxious to prescribe glasses eyes they
have not diagnosed because if they really engage in a
meaningful dialogue. They become vulnerable themselves.
It exposes sometimes their own center.
Their own needs to be right.
You dont know what you need, we know what you need
Well tell you
 Five Levels of Listening
1.Ignoring (Lowest: Is to not listen at all.)
2.Pretend to Listen (you may learn the body
language)
3.Selective Listening (you are really hearing
the bits that interest you)
4.Attentive Listening (you really giving full
attention out of real sincerity)
5.Listen Empathically (to leave your head, get
into their head and their heart. You are not
trying to sympathize, or agree or disagree,
 Remember how we used Iceberg as a
kind of metaphor, Well, it really presents
to the subject of Empathy in
communication.
We talked about tip being just a
technique,
You know what the great mass of the
iceberg is?
The motive, the deeper attitude,
Are you really anxious to understand .
The psychological equivalent of air
is to feel understood.
It is the deepest hunger of the
human hurt.
But to give someone
psychological air. It makes it
almost impossible for someone to
find you
 One time a father said to Stephen: I really dont understand my boy he
wont listen to me at all.
Stephen: You dont understand your boy because he wont listen to you.
Father. Yup, Yup, Yes.
Stephen: Let me re-state again what I heard exactly youre saying. You
dont understand your boy because he wont listen to you and thats really
frustrating.
You dont understand your boy
Why do you keep repeating that?
Because I thought to understand another, you needed to listen to
them.
Oh, Yeh, Yeh. I understand my boy. I know exactly what he is talking about.

Everyones life is singular. So unique.

Who is going to listen to that
 Remember, Empathic listening is
reflecting what a person feels and says in
your own words.
It is not listening to advice, counsel,
reply, refute, fix, change, judge, agree,
disagree, question, analyze or figure out
 Activity

Empathic Listening Scenarios

 Autobiographical response

Lets have a role-play!

Let me set the situation.
I am your son. You are my father. I am interacting with you. I
am greater upset, I dont want to go school.
 Just notice what happens when you ask
questions, when you probe, notice what
happens when you give advise,
Remember the stimulus response
concept.
You see most of us have been
trained all of our life In order to
get understanding as
questions but when you ask
questions, where do your
questions come from?
Whose autobiography?
 One of the biggest obstacles in
interpersonal communication is our
tendency to response
autobiographically, meaning from our
own frame of reference.
We advise, probe, interpret, and evaluate
others based on our own experiences
and motives.
 Can feel your caring, your love without any
question through your face and your eyes
But if you probe, advise, evaluate which
mean to either agree or disagree, or if you
interpret that means to figure it out.
Or to have some hidden theory or scenario in
your mind that you kind of working around, if I
can bring Waheed around this, may be the
thing that really bothering him is this
All four are autobiographical.
Have you ever talked to a translator?
Tell me what did the translator do?
The whole time you were giving
speech to him,
Where was the frame of mind of the
translator?
He want to communicate not just your
content but your feelings. Right?
Get to the role of your favorite
translator and then watch; how
are you listening
Here you are not trying to take
control
Key to listening is to listen with
our eyes and with our heart.
 Sympathy Vs. Empathy

You need to empathize not to sympathize.

Sympathy is all tighter is different response.
It also has its appropriate uses (I am sorry you lost your
father, so sorry to hear about that).
But its not EMPATHY.
The one who listens does
the most work not the one
who more speaks
If you are not sure you understand the
content, restate it.
If you are not sure the other
person feels the content is
been understood. Restate it.
 Empathic communication

1.When youre not sure you understand

2.When youre not sure the other feels
understood
3.When the issue is charged with emotion
Seek to understand
Five phases of learning empathic
response
 Empathic response

Mimicking
Rephrasing
Reflect feeling
Rephrase content and reflect feeling
Say nothing
To seek first to understand is to
get an education.
To seek first to understand is to
do surveys with customers
To seek first to understand is to
emphatically be a favorite
translator to another.
To seek first to understand is to
never even relate it to another
person
 Last effort of habit five

THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD
 Then judge, then act, then to go into
problem solving,
Habit 6
Synergize
The Habit of Creative Cooperation

The Enemy of the best is the good.

--Voltaire
 Synergize in a sense is fruit of the sprint of Habit 4 and Habit
5.
 It creates the possibility of third
alternative
 Compromise: 1+1 = 1
Positive Synergy: 1+1 = 3
Negative Synergy: 1+1 =
 Synergy

The whole is greater than the sum of the

parts.
(1+1=3)
 Synergy means you can literally produce something that
neither of you produce before and even what each can
produce separately.
 Negative synergy is less then even what one person can
produce at him own.
Its counterproductive.
Now the traditional paradigm is one of compromise.
 Compromise is people will the price with habit 3, 4,5, and 6
 Synergy
Habit-6

Always value difference

 Its not something that you just accept that there are
difference.
Its not something that you tolerate
Its not something that is legislated through diversity program.
 It is something that you

celebrate!
The strength lies in
differences, not
similarities.
 However, if there is not a common purpose, a common set of
principles, a buy in to the universal principles we have been
taking about diversity, differences can result in chaos and
negative synergy.
 Synergy requires

Common purpose
Common sense of meaning
Common sense of mission
Strength literally lies in
difference
 The moment someone disagrees with you, what you say!
Good. You see it differently.
Its an advantage; not a disadvantage
 Activity
(Environment & Production)

Are you prepare to look for a solution than the

one that you have in your head now.
Listen with intent to reply or the intent to
understand
Restate what she said!
 Habit 7
Sharpen the Saw
The Habit of Renewal
A long, healthy, and happy life is the result of making contributions, of
having meaningful projects that are personally exciting and
contribute to and bless the lives of others.

--Hans Selye
 Habit 7 falls in Q-II, its important
however not urgent.
 PHYSICAL DIMENSION

Assume you have had a heart attack in the last

month. How would you approach exercise
and nutrition?
Suggestions to renew yourself physically:
Amount of sleep that your body need.
Set health and fitness goals
Include veg, fruit, whole grains, fibber and lots of water in your diet.
Flexible rather than one dimensional exercise routine.
Reduce stress by eliminating Q-III---GET OUT OF THE URGENCY
TRAP.
Think about what is the one
thing you will consistently do
to develop the physical
dimension.
 SOCIAL/EMOTIONAL DIMENSION

Assume that everything you say about people will be

heard by them.
How might you choose your words differently?
Suggestions to renew emotionally:
Constant repair of your relationship.continuous deposit to your
emotional bank account.
Value the differences in others and look for opportunities to synergize.
Practice Empathically listening.
Widen your circle of friends.
Forgive yourself and others who may have hurt you.
Build family relationships---both immediate and extended.
Let go for damaging competitive feelings you may have towards
others.
Think about one thing you will
consistently do to develop the
social/emotional dimension.
 MENTAL DIMENSION

Assume your knowledge and skills will be

obsolete in two years.
What new learning avenues would you explore?
Suggestions to renew yourself mentally:
Keep Journal: Your journal can become your space for
working out problems.
Read Voraciously: And if you dont understand that
word..well, our point exactly.
Develop a hobby. It allows you to do something you love
doing.
Continue your education: Train your mind to stand apart
and examine its own paradigm.
Think about one thing you will
consistently do to develop the
mental dimension.
 SPIRITUAL DIMENSION

Assume you have a year to live. What

legacy would you want to leave?
Suggestions to renew yourself Spiritually:
Create, review, and refine your personal mission
statement.
Watch, listen, and enjoy the world of nature.
Read inspirational literature, in particular biographies of
people who inspire you.
Commit to a life of total integrity to your priorities.
Listen to inspirational, uplifting music.
Commit to serve in your community. Give of your time,
money, and self.
Practice spiritual worship that edifies.
 BE STRONG IN THE HARD MOMENTS

Getting up on time (mind over mattress).

Controlling your temper and not saying the unkind things.
Disciplining yourself to eat healthy.
Sticking to your reading regiment when you are busy.
How would you overcome these obstacles or hard moments?
A Big Thank you!