LOVE AND INTIMATE

RELATIONSHIPS
define the following terms
Mutual understanding
Love
Puppy Love
Crush
Pag-ibig
Pagmamahal
Intimate Relationship
CARING
INTERDEPENDENT
MUTUAL
TRUSTING
COMMITTED
LOVE AND INTIMATE
RELATIONSHIPS
At The Park
Even for people with normally happy lives, there come times when
the everyday seems just a little boring and, well, everyday.
Although it's certainly nice to be able to know that tomorrow will
be a good day, too much predictability can leave you uninspired.
But we know a way to escape that daily routine, if only for a short
while. The answer lies in seeking out stimulation and the
occasional thrill. This is the secret to being able to appreciate the
value of even our everyday lives.

How do we bring thrills into our lives? Watching movies, traveling,

and playing sports and games of chance. Or maybe a trip to an
amusement park, a world where thrills mingle with fantasies. Let's
take a trip back to that realm of childhood excitement and fun.
You will need a pencil and paper for this quiz.

1. You enter the park gate, and a roller coaster looms

before you with a line of people waiting their turn. How
long do you have to wait in line before getting to ride?

2. Your turn finally comes and now you're racing and

plunging around the course. What kind of feelings does
the speed bring out in you?
3. At the most exciting point in the course, the roller coaster dives
into a pool of water and you're drenched by the spray. What do you
shout or scream at this instant?

4. Next you decide to try the merry-go-round. But during your ride,
for some reason the horse you're riding breaks down and stops
moving. What do you say to the horse?

5. Your ride on the roller coaster was exciting, but it wit will revasn't
all that it could have been. If you were going to design the perfect
roller coaster, what would the course look like? Draw a detailed
picture of the course.
Key to At The Park
Did you have a good time at the park? In psychological
terms, rhytmical up-and-down motions represent sexual
excitement. So your responses to the five questions
actually show your attitudes toward sex.
1. The time you spent waiting in line reveals how much
time you spend, or would like your partner to spend, on
foreplay.
Did you have to stand in line for hours before the main
event, or did you just jump aboard without waiting?
2. Your feelings during the roller-coaster ride reveal how
you feel while making love.
Did you think, "This is the best ride I've ever been on!" or
was your reaction closer to, "Get me off this thing! I think
I'm gonna throw up!"
3. In Jungian symbolism, water represents the source of
life. Your words at the moment the roller coaster splashed
into the pool show what you might say at the moment of
sexual climax.
Let's hopw you didn't say anything you'll end up
regretting in the morning.
4. The horse, in psychological terms, is a symbol of masculine principle. Your
words to your broken-down steed reflect what you might say to yourself or
your partner in situations where the man failed to rise to the occasion.

"It's all right, don't worry about it. It's only a ride." You have a truly gentle and
forgiving nature.

"I can't believe this. I want my money back!" You said it, not me.

"Come on you stupid animal, giddyap!" Yikes!

5. Your plan for the ideal roller-coaster course shows your
vision of the perfect sex life.
The ups and downs of the roller-coaster ride are an exact
metaphor for the thrills and lulls of lovemaking. Was it a
long, slow ascent followed by a terrifying plunge? A
series of acrobatic loop-the-loops and 360-degree rolls?
Or maybe you drew a course where you spend the whole
ride turned upsidedown and backwards? Don't worry,
your secret is safe with us.
attraction

Who is your ideal romantic

partner?
How would you like your
romance to begin?
attraction

Proximity and familiarity

Physical attractiveness and
reciprocity
Similarity or compatibility
 Why do we love?
Is sex an important component of love?
What are your views about pre-marital
sex?
How about extra-marital sex?
What are your views on same sex unions?
How about same-sex marriage?
Different Kinds of Love
Eros
Philia
Ludus
Pragma
Agape
Philautia
Storge
 How can you make sure that a relationship will last?

What do you think constitutes domestic violence?

STYLES OF LOVING
EROS
STORGE
LUDUS

MANIA
AGAPE
PRAGMA
THE FILIPINO YOUTH ON LOVE AND
SEX
The meaning of Love
Mutual understandin
Loob
Sex
Bastos
Kasarian vs Seks
Romansa
Gumagamit, Ginagamit (Male)
Expression of Love (Female)
Sex in the context of marriage is sacred
 Kasal sa huwes
Kasal sa simbahan
Tanan (nagtanan)
Pamanhikan

Marriage is seen by Filipinos as a process, not a single

event
Same sex couples in the Philippines
MAKING RELATIONSHIP WORK
SELF-DISCLOSURE
EQUITY
 EQUITY OR EQUALITY IN A FILIPINO MARRIAGE SEEMS
DIFFICULT TO ACHIEVE
Why Affiliate?
The need to affiliate is a
powerful human motive
that causes people to
seek out other people
(affiliative behaviour).
Peoples need to be with
others fluctuates over
time and context and also
differs between people Humans belong in groups.
Groups provide us with
aspects of our identity.
They also can offer
support networks,
friendships and partners.
Why Affiliate?
The consequences of not being
able to be with people are highly
aversive, with a range of
deleterious effects. Long-term
social isolation can lead to
depression, apathy, and
hallucinations, similar effects to
those produced by sensory
deprivation.
Impoverished social interaction, or
separation from ones mother
(maternal deprivation) in early
childhood, can retard
development and produce apathy
and depression (hospitalism).
Does physical attractiveness
matter?
Despite what we would like to think, physical
attractiveness really matters. Within cultures,
people agree on who is attractive, and
attractive people are judged more positively
on a wide range of dimensions.
Judged as more honest
Judged as less maladjusted and disturbed
Judged as more likely to be hired after a
job interview
Rated as happier, more successful, better
personality
Given an easier time by jurors, if they were
female
Evaluated more highly on their written
work, if they were female
Figure 13.1 Effect of perceived attractiveness on grades given to essays of varying
quality
Source: Based on data from Landy & Sigall (1974)
Evolutionary Social Psychology?
Evolutionary biology and evolutionary psychology have
made strong arguments for the power of human
genetic inheritance in accounting for what attracts
people to each other
Assessment of good genes
Reproductive fitness
Mating Strategies
Concentrate on social and cultural explanations
Why do find people attractive?
Proximity is important: We tend, initially
anyway, to like people who are physically close
to us. These are people who we see everyday,
work with, live nearby, and so forth.
Availability: people who live close by are
accessible, so interaction with them requires
little effort or reward
Expectation of continued interaction: This
can be exciting, seeing someone again.
Equally if you think youre not going see
someone again, then you rate them as less
attractive
 This study tests
mere exposure in
a university class
setting
Four new women
students took part
in the class on 0,
5, 10 or 15
occasions
At the end of the
term, students in
the class rated
slides of the
women for several
characteristics
Weak effect for
familiarity but
Figure 13.4 Mere exposure and attraction increasing effect
Source: Based on Moreland & Beach (1992)
for attractiveness
Why do find people attractive?
reciprocity principle: We tend to like
those who like us
Studies have shown that when placed
in discussion groups in which they
were led to believe they were liked or
disliked, participants who were liked
were more attracted to the
group(Dittes and Kelley, 1956)
We prefer those who grow to like us
more than those whos liking for us is
on the wane (gain-loss hypothesis).
Particularly effected by self-esteem. If
our self-esteem is low we tend to put
more credence in people who like us.
Why do find people attractive?
Similarity of attitudes: We also like
those whose attitudes and values are
similar to our own. Overall, relationships
tend to rest on a broad-based similarity
match between people.
Byrne and Clore (1974) came up with
the law of attraction. He argued that
there was a positive correlation between
the proportion of attitudes associated
with a person and an attraction towards
that person.
Clore (1976) argues that this follows an
reinforcement principle. More they
agree, the more they like each other, the
more one person likes the other, that
other person then likes then more..
Why do find people attractive?
Assortative Mating:
We tend to see people
mating with people who
are of a similar size, or
similar in their good-
lookingness. This is called
positive assortative mating.

People are evenly

matched in their physical
appearance, social
background and
personality.
Why do find people attractive?
Mutual self-disclosure, sharing of intimate feelings and
information, is a critically important factor in long-term,
close relationships.
Taylors (1973) model of social penetration.
We share more intimate topics with a close friend than
casual acquaintance or a stranger
Based on the reciprocity principle
We disclose to those we like
We like those who disclose to us
We like those to whom we have disclosed
Leads to positive affect
Also enables trust in relationships: If tell you a secret, you
might tell me a secret
Table 13.1 Determinants of initial attraction in three types of relationship
Theories of attraction and relationships
A simple reinforcement model of attraction states
that we like people who reinforce us.
The reinforcement-affect model states that we
also like people who are present when we are
reinforced: They become associated with the
positive reinforcement and are viewed positively.
People identify stimuli as rewarding or punishing
and seek out the former while avoiding the latter
Positive feelings are associated with rewarding
stimuli and negative feeling with punishing
stimuli
Neutral stimuli that is associated with reward will
elicit positive feelings, and that is associated
with punishment lead to negative feelings
 The reinforcementaffect quality model: attraction is influenced by
Figure 13.7
conditioning
Source: Based on Clore & Byrne (1974)
Theories of Attraction
Social Exchange Theory
How people feel about a relationship depends
on their perceptions of the rewards and costs
of the relationship, the kind of relationship they
deserve, and their chances for having a better
relationship with someone.
Rewards: Pleasing to have our attitudes
validated, thus the more similar our attitudes
are with another person the more reward. It is
rewarding to be around someone who likes us
and is physically attractive.
Costs: Emotional turmoil. Time
Out come = Rewards Costs (negative is a
problem)
Theories of Attraction
Social Exchange Theory
Initial Attraction: Social Exchange theory suggests
how people feel, positively or negatively about their
relationships will depend on their perception of the
rewards they will receive from the relationship and the
costs they will incur, as well as the perception of what
kind of relationship they deserve, and the probability
that they could have a better relationship with
someone else.
Theories of Attraction
Social Exchange Theory
Extends to satisfaction with relationships
Rewards, Costs and Comparison(Secord &
Backman, 1964)
Rewards and Costs.
Comparison: You amass a history of
relationships with other people. This history has
led you to have certain expectations, as to what
your current and future relationships should be
like, Some people have high comparisons (lots
of rewards few costs). If expectations dont
meet comparison level you are likely to be
dissatisfied.
Theories of Attraction
Equity theory (Walster, Walster, & Bersceid, 1978)
People are just not out to get the most rewards and
least costs; they are also concerned about the equity in
their relationships, wherein the rewards, costs and
contributions they make to the relationship are roughly
equal to the rewards, costs and contribution of the other
person.
Equitable relationships are the happiest and the most
stable, while inequitable relationships result in one
person being over benefited and one under benefited.
In inequity relationships both partners should seek
equity. This makes sense for the unbenefited people
why continue to be unhappy. However, over benefiting
from the relationship is an uncomfortable social norm,.
At the end of the lecture . . .
Why do we find people Attractive?
Proximity
Reciprocity principle
Similarity of attitudes
Assortative Mating
Theories of Attraction and Relationships
Reinforcement Affect Model
Social Exchange
Equity
Types of Love
Passionate
A state of extreme absorption with and desire
for another
Intense feelings sexual desire, then vacillating
from anxiety to ecstasy
wide-spread physiological arousal
Ignorance is bliss
Passions Rapid Course
Typically hits fast
Logic is pushed aside

Can lead to premature commitments

Or, the big fade

Companionate Love
Based on friendly affection and deep
attachment due to extensive familiarity
Less intense
Knowing and forgiving
Willing to work
Endures after passion evaporates
 Sex is rich, mature, communicative,
willing to take risks

While occasionally passionate love

can reemerge as companionate love,
sometimes the reverse happens and
old friends or co-workers can see
their affections ignite sexually
Sternbergs Triangular Theory
Loves Three Faces

Passion
Fuels romantic feelings and desire for sexual
interaction and unification
Similar to an addiction, intensity causes a
powerful craving
More Sternberg
Intimacy
The emotional component

A sense of bonding

Warmth, sharing, emotional closeness

Willing to help and share private essence

The Triangles Third Side
Commitment
The cognitive aspect

A conscious decision to love another

The choice to maintain a relationship

despite challenges
Thats How It Works !
Putting it all together
Sternberg explains the transition from
passionate to companionate love

Passionate love develops rapidly and intensely,

then declines. Intimacy and commitment grow.
If they dont, the drop in passion likely signals
the relationships end.
Taking It Apart
The interplay of these three components and
their varying power over time results in
differences in how we experience love.

Isolating and combining the three faces gives

us informative labels for differing types of love.
Labels
Infatuation just passion

Empty (love) commitment only

Companionate intimacy &

commitment

Romantic passion & intimacy

Consummate love that has it all

Support for the Triangle ?
Research shows that:
1) the presence of intimacy and commitment
predict stability and duration,
2) married have more commitment
3) intimacy continually rises in long term
relationships
4) passion drops more sharply for women