Establishing Positive Relationships

Christine Foster, MA, LLPC, NCC

Why is it important ?
It helps us feel good about ourselves
It builds our confidence
It helps you better understand your problems

A friend is someone who walks in when others walk

out~Walter Winchell

A Healthy Sense of Self

Relationships begin with who you are as an

individual and what you bring to the

relationship.
Examples of important attributes are:
Reasonably high self-esteem
Capacity for empathy
Ability to be alone
Ability to be with others
Ability to balance

The Five Areas of Self Esteem

Physical: How you feel about

your body and health.

Emotional: How you feel about
your feelings and how you
express them.
Social: How you feel about your
ability to get along with others.
Intellectual: How you feel about
your ability to think and solve
problems.
Spiritual: How you feel about
your religious beliefs or your place
in the Big Picture.

Types of Relationships and What we

want (or should want)
Acquaintances
Friendships
Romantic Partnerships
Others?
What do you want/expect from your

relationships?

What is Attraction?
People seem to use a systematic screening

process when deciding if someone could be

a potential partner.
Factors that promote attraction are:
Proximity or familiarity
Physical attractiveness
Similar characteristics (values, attitudes,

beliefs, etc.)
The Secret to Desire in a Long Term Relatio

nship

The Course of Love

Similarity Theory: based on the concept

that we fall in love with people who are

similar to us in important ways
Social Exchange Theory: suggests that
falling in love and choosing a partner are
based on the exchange of commodities
Sternbergs Love Triangle
Three dimensions
Intimacy, passion and committment

Sternbergs Love Triangle

How to Keep Your Relationships

Strong and Vital
Cohesion is the dynamic balance between

separateness and togetherness in both couple and

family relationships
Relationships are strongest when there is a balance

between intimacy and autonomy

Flexibility is the dynamic balance between stability

and change
Communication is the tool that partners and families

use to adjust levels of cohesion or flexibility when

change is needed

In a healthy relationship people

Treat their friend/partner with respect and fairness
Support and encourage each other
Treat each other as equals
Are honest
Earn their friend/partners trust
Have shared interests
Also have separate interests and identities
Try hard to have honest and clear communication
Enjoy being with each other
Never hurt their friend/partner physically or sexually

In an unhealthy relationship people

Treat their friend/partner disrespectfully

and unfairly
Frequently argue or fight
Have no shared interests
Or they do things ONLY with each other
they have no separate friends or interests
Do not care about their friend/partners
feelings
Do not enjoy spending time together

Warning Signs of an abusive

relationship include
One person throws or breaks things during an

argument
One person tries to control what the other person does,
who they see or what they wear
One person is often jealous or is overly jealous
One person hurt the other person physically or sexually
One person puts the other person down, calls them
names or humiliates them
Crazy-Making behavior this is when one person lies
or changes their story, or when they deny or minimize
the other persons experience. This behavior often
makes the other person feel like they are going crazy.

Power and Control

How to Help
LISTEN. You may feel like you do not know what to say.

That is okay. What is most important is to listen to your

friend, and let him or her know that you are glad to listen.
BELIEVE YOUR FRIEND. People rarely make up these
kinds of stories. Your friend is probably telling you the
truth.
SHOW THAT YOU CARE. Support them in whatever way
is comfortable for both of you.
REASSURE YOUR FRIEND THAT SHE OR HE IS NOT
TO BLAME! No one ever asks to be abused.
RESPECT YOUR FRIENDS PRIVACY. Decide with your
friend who is a trusted adult you can both talk to. That
person might be a parent, teacher, counselor, minister, or
someone else.

Communication
#1 most important factor in

creating/maintaining a healthy relationship

Communication cont.
Nonverbal communication: what we do not say verbally
Believed that about 93% of communication is nonverbal
Facial expressions
Eye contact
Gestures
Paralingustics
Body position and movement
Spatial behavior
Distance
Touch

Verbal communication: what we say verbally

Metamessage: unspoken message that is sent or

received when communicating; utilizes both nonverbal and

verbal communication cues

What are Boundaries

A boundary is designed to set a limit. It

allows you to feel safe by controlling who

and what you allow into your life.
The biggest way to establish a boundary is
by being true to yourself and respecting
your feelings.
It is okay to say No to a friend/partner.
You also must respect when a
friend/partner tells you No!
Do not allow others to force you to change
your mind on what you feel is important.

Respond, do not React

When you respond to what someone else

says or does you remain in control, with

options and choices.
But when you react to what someone says
or does, that person is in control of you,
and your boundaries have been broken.
If you feel yourself reacting, walk away so
that family, friends cannot force you to do
or say something you will regret later.