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Complete Guide To Assertive Living

unit 8

Its not what you say,


its how you say it.

Role play

Choose 5 volunteers to role play: 4 complainants and


1 clerk.
1] Nonassertive complainant

2] Aggressive complainant

3] passive aggressive

4] Assertive complainant

One person will volunteer to be Mikail;

Give each volunteer time to study their roles.


Each complainant will be given a copy of the book.

Plot

Material aid: 6 copies of a book on


assertiveness
A counter with the book store sales
person behind it.
The moderator will read the scene and
introduce the participants and their
roles.
Mike is the clerk.
A dissatisfied customer who wishes to
return a defective copy of:
Everything you always wanted to know
about assertiveness, but were too timid
to ask to the bookstore.

The clerk in the book store.


[ 2 copies of the book with him]

Scene 1:
the nonassertive complainant approaches
him
Scene 2:
the aggressive complainant approaches
him
Scene 3:
The passive aggressive
Scene 4:
the assertive complainant approaches
him

Using essentially the same


words:

I bought this book here


last week, and
discovered that 20 pages
were missing. Id like a
good copy or my money
back.

Role play

We observe 4 different ways:

The participants are allotted their role


play slips.

And the role play starts.

After the role play the following slides


will be reviewed to analyze the key
components of behavior.

1] Nonassertive

Nonassertive/ passive
complainant walks slowly and
hesitantly to the counter. His eyes
are downcast at the floor. He
speaks just above a whisper. His
face looks as if it belongs on the
cover of a book. He has a tight
grip on the book. And a please
dont hurt me posture.

2] Aggressive
Aggressive

complainant
swaggers toward the counter,
glares at mike, addresses him in
a voice heard all over the store.
The posture and fist-like
gestures are an obvious attempt
to intimidate the clerk.

3] Passive aggressive
Incongruence
Words

are passive
Actions are aggressive
We stare and roll our eyes but deny
that anything is wrong.

4] Assertive
The

assertive walks up to the


counter facing the clerk Mikail.
He stands relaxed and erect,
smiles, and looks directly at
Mikail with a friendly expression;
he states the message,
gesturing to point out the flaw in
the book.

[ Mikails role]
The nonassertive, self defeating style say to
mikail that is customer is a pushover, and
the slightest resistance will cause him to
give up and go away.

The second aggressive approach may


achieve the goal of refund or exchange, but
the aggressive customer will leave with
Mikail s hostility directed at his back.

Passive aggressive: mikail will be somewhat


confused.

With the assertive approach, the


complainant gets what he came for, and
Mikail feels good about having helped solve
a problem for an appreciative customer.

Key components of assertive


behavior

Eye contact
Body posture
Distance or physical contact
Gestures
Facial expressions
Voice tone, inflection, volume
Fluency
Timing
Listening
Thoughts
Content

1] Eye contact:
There are cultural differences however,
A relaxed steady gaze looking away
occasionally as is comfortable. The gaze
should neither be shifty nor an intense
stare. The gaze should show an
interest in and a respect for the other
person.

2] Body posture:
Some people will talk by only turning
their head towards the other person
and keeping their torso facing away. .
But the torso turned slightly towards
the other person makes the
conversation more personal. An active
and erect posture while facing the
person directly lends assertiveness.

] Distance or physical contact

One can see the cultural differences in


situations such as in standing in a cue,
in an elevator or in how people greet
each otherin how much distance to
keep.

Standing or sitting very close or


touching can reflect intimacy
or
Being too close may offend the other
person and be taken as an intrusion into
his personal space.
So be sensitive to the comfort level of
the other person.

4] Gestures:
A relaxed use of gestures can add
depth or power to your message
by emphasizing warmth, and
openness. Uninhibited
movement also suggests
openness, spontaneity and
confidence. [Unless the gestures
are erratic and nervous]

5] Facial expressions:

Have you ever tried to be angry while


smiling or laughing? Thats right, it
doesnt come across.

Effective assertion requires an


expression that agrees with the
message.

An angry message is clearest when


delivered with a straight, non smiling
countenance.
A friendly communication should not
be delivered with a frown.
Let your face say the same thing that
your words are saying.

6] Voice tone, inflection, volume:

The way we use our voice is a vital


element in our communication.
The same words spoken through
clenched teeth in anger, offer an
entirely different message that
when they are shouted with joy or
whispered in fear.

A level , well modulated


conversational tone is convincing
without being intimidating.

Three dimensions of voice:


1 Tone: [ is it raspy, whiny,
seductive, soft angry?]
2 Inflection: [do you emphasize
certain syllables , as in a
question? They were married last
summer.
They were married last summer
They were married last summer.
They were married last summer?
Or speak in a monotone,
Or with a sing song effect?

Voice
3 Volume: [ do you try to gain
attention with a whisper of try to
over power people with loudness,
or is it very difficult for you to
shout even when you want to?
If you can control and use your
voice effectively, you have
acquired a powerful tool in your
self expression.

7] Fluency:
Clear and slow comments are
more easily understood than rapid
speech which is erratic and filled
with long pauses or stammering.
A speech interrupted by long
pauses shows hesitation and is
boring.
Notice pauses of three seconds or
more.. or fillers such as uuhh..
you know you see

8] Timing:
In

general we advocate
spontaneity as a goal.
Sometimes the ideal moment has
passed yet it is still worthwhile
to express your feelings later on.

Yet

it is not advisable to confront


someone in front of others.

9] Listening:

The most difficult component to describe and to change


is listening;

Tuning in: stopping all other activities


such as T.V, phone etc.
Attending: to the message, make eye
contact if possible, nod to show you
hear , perhaps touch him or her too.
Paraphrase what the other is saying.
Modify your paraphrasing till you get
closet to the meaning intended.
Actively attempting to understand
the feeling behind the words.
Paraphrasing or and questioning
rather than trying to interpret.

Assertiveness

includes respect
for the rights and feelings of
others. That means assertive
receiving .. sensitivity to others
as well as assertive sending

10] Thoughts:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

This escapes direct observation


but one knows it intuitively.
Recent research has been
focusing on the cognitive
dimensions of behavior.
An event takes place
A person sees it and
Interprets it internally
Generates the emotion
The person reacts in some way

11- Content:
Express

your feelings
Use I language not you
Saying no or taking stands:
State your position: I feel..
Explain your reasons: because/
when.
Express understanding.. I see
how you feel
I want.. I need you to..

Content .. Continued
Asking favours and asserting
rights:
State the problem
Make a request
Get a clarification
Finally express feelings in words

Syntonics
Create

rapport by sensory
matching
by listening to the words the other
is using.
I see what you mean.. a visual
person
I hear what you are saying..
reflects an auditory person..
Tactile: I feel for you.
so match your words to align with
the other persons thinking.

What

you say must take into


consideration to whom you are
saying it. Appropriate..

Homework

: Evaluate yourself
on a scale of 0 to 10 on each of
the components.

Thank you .

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