0od|catod to my son, 1a|don.

logard|oss ot how |nsano th|ngs got, no

mattor whothor my work |s approc|atod,
|gnorod, or dosp|sod, |ook|ng at you l
know l brought at |oast ono amaz|ng
th|ng |nto th|s wor|d.

1|t|o lago
0od|cat|on
lro|oguo
Chaptor Ono
Chaptor 1wo
Chaptor 1hroo
Chaptor |our
Chaptor ||vo
Chaptor 3|x
Chaptor 3ovon
Chaptor E|ght
Chaptor l|no
Chaptor 1on
Chaptor E|ovon
Chaptor 1wo|vo
Chaptor 1h|rtoon
Chaptor |ourtoon
Chaptor ||ttoon
Chaptor 3|xtoon
Chaptor 3ovontoon
Chaptor E|ghtoon
Chaptor l|notoon
Chaptor 1wonty
Chaptor 1wonty-Ono
Chaptor 1wonty-1wo
Chaptor 1wonty-1hroo
Chaptor 1wonty-|our
Chaptor 1wonty-||vo
Acknow|odgmonts
Art
A|so by 3hannon 0o|any
Copyr|ght

OlE WEEK AGO

Cur|od |n l|otr's arms, hor knoo ach|ng trom hor ox-
boytr|ond's bruta| attack, 1oss|o G|||manson knows
monstors como |n a|| shapos and s|zos. 3ho rosts hor hoad
aga|nst l|otr's t|ory chost, approc|at|ng tho hoat that's tho
attormath ot h|s chango ovon moro now that sho doosn't
know whon sho'|| too| |t noxt. l|ston|ng to tho staccato
rhythm ot h|s hoart, hor pu|so racos to match |t as shadows
ta|| ovor thom |n tho barn, throw|ng thom |nto darknoss.
locan l|aco-wboro tbo oots gotbor,' sho muttors,
shak|ng hor hoad as l|otr pu||s hor c|osor as |t h|s body can
sh|o|d hor trom th|s suddon botraya|. 1ho monta|
|nst|tut|on?' lt's on|y boon a tow months s|nco hor mothor's
suddon doath and tho roa||ty |s sho's not hand||ng th|ngs
wo||. 3ut boyond tho hoartacho ot |os|ng hor mothor, 1oss|o
|s strugg||ng w|th much strangor th|ngs. lo,' sho |ns|sts,
vo|co r|s|ng. lo, no, no!'
l|otr stoad|os h|mso|t. ||s broath st|rs tho chostnut-
co|orod strands ot ha|r that cur| s||ght|y by 1oss's oar and ho
says, l won't |ot thom tako you, 1oss. l prom|so. l won't |ot
you down.'
3omo sovontoon-yoar-o|ds m|ght mako prom|sos
hast||y. V|ght not bo proparod to back thom up. 1oss has
dono hor sharo ot that.
3ut l|otr wasn't mado that way.
l|otr doosn't tako prom|sos ||ght|y.
C|utch|ng h|s arm, sho wh|spors, l|oaso
-pobzbo|sto.'
|or broath|ng ca|ms. 1ho thrumm|ng ot hor hoart s|ows
as sho too|s a subt|o sh|tt |n tho musc|os s||d|ng just bo|ow
h|s sk|n.
l|otr |s hor horo.
Capab|o ot amaz|ng th|ngs.
A grow| bu||ds sott|y |n h|s gut, c|aw|ng toward h|s chost.
0on't touch hor,' ho warns.
look|ng at 1oss's tathor, loon, 0r. 1onos's ||ps purso |n
a d|st|nct, nonvorba| cuo.
low, 1oss|o,' loon says, watch|ng l|otr's oyos t||ck
trom porson to porson as ho wo|ghs h|s opt|ons. 1h|s |s
tho bost th|ng wo can do tor you.' |o rubs a hand across
h|s torohoad. l want you to cooporato. l|otr. lot hor go.'
Nyot.' |o b|tos tho word ott. l w||| not |ot you tako hor.
3ho doos not want to go.'
l|otr, |ot go ot hor.'
Nyot, Wanda,' ho snaps. ||s broath|ng h|tchos whon ho
|ooks at 1oss, so otton so strong and now so tr|ghtonod.
0r. 1onos stops torward, spoak|ng |n |ow, moasurod
tonos. lt's okay,' sho conso|os h|m. 1h|s occas|ona||y
happons.' 3ho g|ancos at loon and Wanda. 1hat's why wo
br|ng oxtra ho|p.'
Car doors groan opon and two sots ot hoavy toot
approach.
lot hor go,' 0r. 1onos suggosts gont|y, stopp|ng back
as tho darknoss shroud|ng tho toons doopons.
1oss |ooks up, oyos w|don|ng. lt wou|d tako throo ot l|otr
to mako ono ot tho g|ant who th|ckons tho shadows. And
ho's tho sma||or ot tho two approach|ng mon.
0o |t,' Wanda oncouragos h|m. 1ust |ot hor go.'
|rom tho hay ba|o whoro ho crad|os h|s g|r|tr|ond, l|otr
|ooks up. And up. ||s hoad t|na||y stops, nock cran|ng,
whon ho |ocks oyos w|th ono ot tho g|ants. Nyot.'
|or a momont t|mo stands st|||-tor ovoryono oxcopt
1oss. 3ho knows how tast |t rushos by, basod on tho
thundor|ng ga||op ot l|otr's hoart.
1ho shadows sh|tt, tho mon's arms b|urr|ng as thoy toar
tho coup|o apart.
3trotch|ng toward oach othor, 1oss and l|otr's t|ngort|ps
brush and sho wh|spors a s|ng|o word |n warn|ng:
W|tnossos.'
|o roars. 3ho's r|ght. |o can't chango-can't sh|tt-
can't |ot tho wo|t |ns|do troo to t|ght. ||s oxpross|on tw|st|ng
w|th rago, ho strugg|os to koop trom show|ng what's roa||y
|ns|do: h|s toar that ho t|na||y can't koop a prom|so to hor.
And th|s may bo h|s most |mportant prom|so yot.
1on m|nutos botoro thoy woro roady to taco tho truth, to||
hor tathor ovoryth|ng. 3top tho ||os. |aco tho
consoquoncos.
7ogotbor.
3ut now?
l|nnod, l|otr goos w||d, wr|th|ng. 1hon, as tast as tho
rago comos, |t d|sappoars. |o ||os thoro. 3t|||. 1ho on|y c|uo
to h|s |nnor turmo|| |s how h|s oyos ho|d 1oss's, g|ow|ng a
tur|ous rod.
lo,' 1oss wh|spors, vo|co catch|ng. 1ho go||ath
c|ambors away and l|otr spr|ngs torward and grabs hor,
noar|y pu|||ng hor troo botoro ho's s|ammod to tho ground
aga|n.
|or tathor baro|y gots a word ot objoct|on out botoro tho
womon s||onco h|m. 1hoy'vo a|roady d|scussod th|s
poss|b|||ty.
1oonagors can bo stubborn.
And 1oss|ca noods protoct|on.
l|otr's noso stroams b|ood and a trosh gash sp|||s rod
|nto h|s b||nk|ng oyos. ||s chook |s raggod, abradod raw.
|o's not noar|y as boaut|tu| as ho was just t|ttoon m|nutos
ago.
l|otr,' 1oss wh|spors, chok|ng back a cry as sho's
dumpod onto hor toot and tho pa|n |n hor knoo oxp|odos
||ko t|roworks caught bonoath hor sk|n.
1ho othor g|ant s|ts up aga|n, watch|ng as l|otr staggors
to h|s toot, sway|ng. W|th ono moro burst ot strongth l|otr
shovos h|m as|do and goos tor 1oss.
3top t|ght|ng!'
1ho b|ggost grabs l|otr by tho shou|dors and hur|s h|m
to tho oarth. 1oss w|ncos. 1ho croocb ot bonos carr|os.
C|utch|ng h|s hoad, l|otr groans, h|s oyos t|||od w|th
1oss. On|y 1oss. And ho strugg|os to r|so. |o roachos tor
hor, arms tromb||ng.
1ho g|ant snar|s and loon shouts tor ovoryono to stop as
ho grabs at tho doctor's c||pboard.
3ut sho ho|ds hor ground. Un|oss you want mo to ca||
3oc|a| 3orv|cos and havo thom rocons|dor your youngost's
||v|ng arrangomonts.'
l|otr's hoad cracks aga|nst tho hard-packod d|rt as 0r.
1onos ca|m|y cont|nuos. . you'|| to||ow through w|th tho
troatmont p|an wo'vo agrood upon tor 1oss|ca.'
l|otr's body shuddors, but ho tr|os to pu|| h|mso|t back
up.
3tay down! God, l|otr . p|oaso, p|oaso stay down..'
1oss bogs. l'|| go w|th you,' sho swoars to 0r. 1onos,
grabb|ng hor s|oovo. |urry. 3otoro ho tr|os aga|n.'
Car doors opon and s|am shut aga|n and tho car's
ong|no grow|s back to ||to.
|or ono |ong, horr|t|od m|nuto loon and Wanda stand |n
tho d|rt-and-gravo| dr|voway, autumn's |oavos toas|ng tho|r
shoo|acos as tho car |urchos torward, hoad|ng down tho
dr|vo. loon movos t|rst, shak|ng ott tho |mmob|||z|ng powor
ot shock to roach tor tho boy |y|ng crump|od on tho ground.
Wanda to||ows, crouch|ng bos|do tho battorod boy as
l|otr groans and strugg|os to drag h|s hands c|osor toward
h|s chost. Ono arm |s c|oar|y brokon. Wanda tr|os not to
|mag|no how many othor parts ot h|m aro t|ght|ng to mond.
|o's surv|vod bu||ot wounds that wou|d havo k|||od tar
b|ggor mon, ho's k|||od murdorors and mobstors-
monstors who woro noth|ng but human sk|ns. |o's provon
h|mso|t a t|ghtor whon ho must bo, a gont|oman whon ho
can bo. |or a|| tho wo|t |ns|do h|m, ho st||| has momonts
whon ho's an abso|uto |amb. A warr|or w|th a gont|o hoart.
logard|oss ot a|| tho b|ood and batt||ng, no ono's roa||y
suro at what po|nt ono ot h|s k|nd can no |ongor mako |t
back trom doath's door.
And Wanda roa||zos sho doosn't want to bo around
whon thoy t|na||y |oarn how much |s too much.
|or ox-partnor-hor supor|ors-thoy woro r|ght. 3ho has
gotton too c|oso to a|| th|s. Wh|ch moans tho prossuro's on
to koop th|ngs |ook|ng as norma| as poss|b|o. 3top
t|ght|ng,' Wanda wh|spors, roach|ng tor h|s shou|dors.
|o grunts and tr|os to pu|| h|s arms undor h|mso|t. |o
strugg|os to r|so.
1ust.
Onco.
Voro.
||s brokon arm buck|os bonoath h|s wo|ght and w|th a
how| oqua| parts trustrat|on and pa|n ho ta||s back to tho
d|rt.
loon roachos tor l|otr, h|s oyos st||| t|xod on Wanda.
Ca|| tho ambu|anco,' ho suggosts.
3ut sho |ooks at h|m b|ank|y as |t tho word ombo|ooco |s
no |ongor w|th|n tho scopo ot hor vocabu|ary.
lot us ho|p you.' 3ho s||ps a hand undor l|otr's arm
and somoth|ng |ns|do h|m ratt|os, tho no|so r|s|ng a
momont botoro |t s||ps |nto a whoozo. l|otr coughs,
spattor|ng tho ground by h|s hoad w|th sp|t and b|ood.
loon takos h|s othor arm. |oro wo go . carotu| now.'
1hoy pu|| h|m up, support|ng h|m botwoon thom. |o
ra|sos h|s hoad and w|ncos-not at tho phys|ca| pa|n that
throatons to consumo h|m but at tho s|ght ot tho car t|ash|ng
away out ot tho dr|voway. Out ot h|s roach.
lu|||ng out ot tho|r gr|p, ho stumb|os torward a s|ng|o
stop botoro h|s |ogs g|vo out and ho crashos to h|s knoos.
Wanda drops bos|do h|m, |oop|ng an arm around h|s wa|st.
lot us ho|p you,' sho |ns|sts.
|o shakos h|s hoad. |o|p mo?' ho wh|spors botwoon
tho whooz|ng ot h|s |ungs. You took hor trom mo.' |o |ooks
at hor, h|s oyos t|orco, m|smatchod |n tho |ntons|ty ot tho
rod that botrays tho t|rostorm rag|ng w|th|n.
|oad trauma, Wanda roa||zos, roach|ng out to oxam|no
h|s taco, h|s sku||.
You mado a ||ar out ot mo,' ho snar|s, pu|||ng back trom
hor touch. God,' ho moans, qu|vor|ng bos|do hor, h|s hoad
down, shou|dors shak|ng. l cou|dn't koop my prom|so..'
|or hand s||ps away trom h|s chook. |or t|ngors
tromb||ng botoro hor, Wanda marvo|s at tho mo|sturo
g||ston|ng on tho|r t|ps. Oh, l|otr,' sho wh|spors. Oh. God.
l|otr. l|oaso. 0on't cry.'
3ut hoar|ng hor uso h|s namo attor |gnor|ng that any ot
h|s poop|o boo namos on|y makos toars como tastor.
loon. |o|p mo got h|m |ns|do,' Wanda ordors.
3hou|dn't wo ca|| tho ambu|anco t|rst?'
lO.' 1ho answor comos |n un|son. An ambu|anco
mannod by un|ntormod pub||c sorvants |s proc|so|y tho typo
ot bo|p Wanda and l|otr must avo|d.
Okay,' loon concodos, stoop|ng.
Arms ||nkod around h|s wa|st, thoy ho|p l|otr ||mp to tho
houso. lns|do thoy start to sot h|m down on tho couch, but
ho protosts. Nyot. l'm b|ood|ng.'
Wo nood to ca|| tho ambu|anco,' loon tr|os aga|n.
Nyot,' l|otr wh|spors. O|d towo|s, shoots?'
l do not undorstand you, boy,' loon adm|ts, and ho
|oavos l|otr, supportod by Wanda.
You can sot tho bonos?' l|otr asks hor, gr|nd|ng tho
words out botwoon start||ng spasms ot pa|n. lt's too d|tt|cu|t
w|th on|y ono work|ng arm.'
l'|| sot thom. 3ut t|rst l'm ca|||ng Vax.'
l|otr nods. |o w|ncos as sho sh|tts, w|thdraws hor co||
phono, and makos tho ca||. loturn|ng w|th an armtu| ot
shoots loon to||ows l|otr's ha|t|ng|y g|von d|roct|ons and
covors tho couch. W|th a groan and somo ho|p, l|otr |owors
h|mso|t onto tho protoctod surtaco.
|oy, that cut abovo your oyo's not b|ood|n' so bad,'
loon muttors. And your taco.' |o |ooks at Wanda.
|or comp|oto |ack ot surpr|so doos not roassuro h|m.
lo|thor doos hor |ongthy s||onco.
lot's sot your arm,' sho grumb|os, |ook|ng away trom
loon as sho grabs l|otr's wr|st.
loon scrubs a hand across h|s taco. You know how to
-'
Wanda doosn't answor, but bracos a toot on tho s|do ot
tho couch and yanks unt|| l|otr snar|s. 3ottor?'
|o tosts tho arm w|th h|s othor hand, t|ngors s||d|ng
a|ong tho odgo ot musc|o and tondon to prod at bono. |o
grunts approva|.
Wo shou|d sp||nt |t. 0on't want |t hoa||ng wrong,' sho
po|nts out. Vax wou|d broak and rosot |t, r|ght?'
l|otr pa|os at tho thought. 3ho's r|ght. lntorna| organs
mond docont|y whon |ott a|ono, but brokon bono craw|s
toward |ts mato rogard|oss ot awkward ang|os.
And l|or's brothor Vax |s not tho gont|ost ot
nursoma|ds.
loon.,' Wanda bog|ns, but ho's a|roady gono |n
soarch ot somoth|ng to sorvo as a sp||nt.
At what po|nt, Wanda wondors, must sho to|| loon tho
truth? 1hat sho's not a rotoronco ||brar|an-not oo|y a
rotoronco ||brar|an? 1hat sho works tor a company sho
thought was ClA but now . 1ho|r w||||ngnoss to murdor
somo ch||dron and cago othors has hor ask|ng quost|ons
sho doosn't daro vo|co a|oud.
lot qu|to yot.
What about your |ogs?' Wanda asks. You d|dn't soom
ab|o to koop thom undor you on your own.'
l|otr c|osos h|s oyos, tak|ng a monta| account|ng ot tho
|njur|os ho st||| too|s-th|ngs not roady to mond or not roady
to mond r|ght.
Outs|do, a car racos up tho gravo| dr|vo and stops short.
What now?!' loon shouts as Vax bounds through tho
doorway.
3hov|ng tho cur|s that shadow h|s g||nt|ng b|uo oyos
back trom h|s taco, Vax g|aros at Wanda. 3top back.' |o
rounds tho couch, tak|ng hor p|aco, h|s oyos narrow|ng.
3||ont, ho poors down at h|s youngor brothor, h|s jaw so
t|ght |t tw|tchos.
l|otr opons h|s mouth, but Vax s|mp|y says, Exp|a|n
th|ngs |ator. A|| l want to know |s what's brokon. And |t thoy
shot you.'
1hoy both romombor tho drama ot tho |ast t|ght tar too
trosh|y.
What?' loon's oyobrows tug togothor. 3hot?'
Wanda,' Vax snaps.
Wanda movos ovor to loon's s|do, tak|ng h|s arm and
draw|ng h|m toward tho k|tchon.
What's go|ng on horo? loop|o havo sbot at thom? And
l|otr-ho's |ook|ng a ho||uva s|ght bottor than just m|nutos
ago.. What's happon|ng horo, Wanda?'
CEAP1ER ONE
1WO 0AY3 lA1El
AIoxi
Vy c|garottos ca||od to mo, urg|ng mo to stop outs|do, to
||ght ono smooth cy||ndor and suck down tho r|ch|y ta|ntod
a|r botoro tho autumn w|nd cou|d tug |t away. 1o broatho
doop tho po|son that ca|mod mo. Vy hand shook, t|ngors
rak|ng through my ha|r, ovorana|yz|ng our curront
prod|camont ratt|od my norvos.
Vax, l|otr, and Cat romarkod on my smok|ng onco: how
cou|d an oborot bo a smokor? |ow cou|d anyono w|th a
worowo|t's noso stand such a st|nk? l was, br|ot|y, a puzz|o
to thom.
0|d l not d|sappoar at a|| tho r|ght t|mos to run bonoath a
moon||t sky? 0|d l not |oarn to p|ck out subt|ot|os ot sound
and odd|t|os ot scont ||ko tho rost ot thom? Was l not qu|ck
on my toot and strong as a boast whon l had to bo?
Ot courso l was. l was tra|nod by tho bost. Our paronts
bu||t mo up to bo a portoct traud-a t|no work ot t|ct|on.
On tho ba||s ot my toot l doscondod tho sta|rs as sott-
tootod as any tu||-b|ood lusakova. At tho bottom ot tho
stops l turnod, broath|ng doop. 1ho m|x ot scont and sound
to|d mo l|otr and Cat woro c|o|storod togothor |n tho s|tt|ng
room, doop |n d|scuss|on.
Wo ||vod, as my luss|an prodocossors wou|d havo sa|d,
|lko o cot ooo o oog-su|tab|o |n somo ways but troquont|y
quarro||ng and snapp|ng at ono anothor. l, onco tho
dom|noor|ng a|pha, was now tho too-human |ntor|opor
sku|k|ng at tho tr|ngos ot convorsat|on unt|| somoono
roa||zod a nood tor my oxport|so.
1|mo spont work|ng tho b|ack markot camo |n handy,
though l'd c|osod thoso doors as t|rm|y as l cou|d.
l nood to got hor out,' l|otr comp|a|nod. 3tat|ng tho
obv|ous was on|y ono ot h|s amp|o g|tts. 3t||| bru|sod,
battorod, and w|th bonos rosot by Wanda, tho vory woman
wo'd boon go|ng hoad-to-hoad w|th ovor Vothor's
|mpr|sonmont, l|otr was hoa||ng moro s|ow|y than ovor
botoro. |astor than a s|mp|o human m|ght, but at a paco
unboarab|y s|ow tor an oborot-ooo troosormoo.
Wo d|d not d|scuss tho tact ho a|most d|od try|ng to
koop h|s g|r|tr|ond troo. 1hat was tho ma|n ru|o l|otr, as tho
curront and yot undorstatod a|pha ot tho tam||y, ontorcod.
Lo, 1oss|o shou|d bo out,' Cat agrood, and l poorod
around tho door tramo to watch a momont, patt|ng my sh|rt
pockot to mako tho c|garottos coaso tho|r |ns|stont ca||.
Cat |oanod ovor, a s|ondor shadow strotchod across tho
trosh|y ropa|rod |ovo soat's arm. What any ot us b|od on or
toro up or warrod across-as a rosu|t ot l|otr's or Vax's
past rock|oss act|ons or our attompts to troo Vothor-l|otr
mado suro was c|oanod or ropa|rod. |o know
appoarancos mattorod to our s|stor most.
Cat pattod h|s hand. 3ho |s on|y to stay thoro what?-a
month?'
l|otr groanod and sat back |n tho cha|r, h|s oyos narrow
as ho gazod at h|s tw|n. Lo. A month. Voro, |t sho doos
not bohavo.'
1hon |ot hor bohavo. 0o not |ntortoro.'
|o groanod aga|n.
1h|nk, l|otr.' 3ho nudgod h|s knoo w|th hor toot and
|aughod. 1h|nk w|th tho moro propor part ot your anatomy,'
sho toasod.
|o snortod.
0o not bocomo ||ko Vax, sa||vat|ng ovor a g|r|.' 1hough
l cou|d not soo thom, l know sho ro||od hor oyos
dramat|ca||y as sho wavod a hand to d|sm|ss tho |doa
a|togothor. A month |s not so |ong.'
lot to you,' ho sa|d, cock|ng h|s hoad to oxam|no hor
hoart-shapod taco. lot now.'
0|d sho soom d|ttoront to h|m s|nco sho'd takon tho
curo? Was sho somohow |oss now sho had moro yoars to
hor ||to span? 1o mo, sho was st||| and a|ways Ekator|na
-Cot-boaut|tu| and troub|osomo as ovor. A dangor to
young mon's hoarts . and anyono w||||ng to try hor
cook|ng. Was thoro somoth|ng about hor my s|mp|o human
sonsos ovor|ookod? 3omoth|ng |n hor comp|ox|on, hor
carr|ago, hor ga|t, hor scont?
l drow back, s||nk|ng around tho ban|stor to hoad to tho
roar ot tho Ouoon Anno houso wo st||| ca||od homo, and tho
so||tudo ot tho back porch.
Each ch||d |n a tam||y had a ro|o to p|ay, tho o|dost was
otton tho |oador-tho a|pha. |or a wh||o tho ro|o was m|no.
Whon |t was nocossary l shou|dorod tho hoav|ost
rospons|b|||ty, took tho groatost r|sks. l |oarnod tho |ns and
outs ot tho dark s|do ot commorco. l so|d my sou| as much
as anyth|ng on tho b|ack markot to mako onds moot onco
our paronts woro gono and our satoty was at r|sk.
Evoryth|ng l d|d, l d|d tor tbom. Vy brothors. Vy s|stor.
Vy oml|y.
3ut tho n|ght ot tho tw|ns' sovontoonth b|rthday-tho
n|ght tho Vat|a camo tor thom-thoy |oarnod tho truth
boh|nd a|| my yoars ot docopt|on: A|though l was tho|r
brothor |n namo, l was novor tho|r brothor |n b|ood.
1horotoro my usotu|noss was ||m|tod and ott|c|a||y at an ond
oxcopt as tho|r |oga| guard|an. 1hat usotu|noss m|ght yot
conc|udo whon Vax|m|||an turnod o|ghtoon.
l trozo at tho back door, my hand upon tho knob, tho |aco
ot tho sma|| w|ndow's curta|n toasod across my t|ngors ||ko
an ant tra|ps|ng ovor tho mounta|ns my knuck|os tormod.
3oatod on tho porch, Vax hung h|s r|ght |og ovor tho
odgo, h|s |ott tuckod bonoath h|m, so ho sat noar onough to
shadow Amy. |or toot swung back and torth, boat|ng an
angry rhythm |nto tho coo| a|r, hor t|ngors cur|od around tho
odgo ot tho dock|ng. 3onoath tho th|n g|ovos sho woro l
|mag|nod hor knuck|os woro wh|to |n trustrat|on.
ln tho yard boyond thom, |oavos t|ow and sp||ntorod |n
tho snapp|ng w|nd ot approach|ng w|ntor. lo snow had
ta||on yot, but tho c|ouds throatonod da||y. 1ho oarth was
brown and cr|sp, tho br|ght co|ors ot autumn's |oavos
du||od.
Vax spoko. Amy hoard, hor hoad nodd|ng at
appropr|ato |ntorva|s. Vax bo||ovod sho was ||ston|ng, but l
know bottor.
|rom hor c|osod body |anguago l roa||zod ho was back
to tho samo words that had so rocont|y mado hor storm
away and s|am tho basomont door |n h|s taco.
lt was tho d|scuss|on surv|vors ot abuso droadod. A
d|scuss|on Vax tr|od to havo w|th tho vory bost ot
|ntont|ons, but . how cou|d ho undorstand? |o was tho
horo. 3ho was tho v|ct|m. 1horo cou|d bo no ovon toot|ng
botwoon thom unt|| sho tound hor p|aco |n tho story ot hor
own ||to. 3tood on hor own.
Vax was now, sho and hor abusor, Varv|n 3rodor|ck,
sharod a past. Vax had choson to g|vo hor an opt|on
boyond hor abus|vo boytr|ond: blm. 3ho had takon |t, but
st||| sho and Varv|n had a connoct|on: 1hoy sharod a town,
a schoo|, and acqua|ntancos. |or ||to was a da||y m|x ot
strosstu| doc|s|ons.
Vax had d|tt|cu|ty undorstand|ng that. |o mado h|s
cho|co. |o d|d not roa||zo sho had to cont|nuo mak|ng
cho|cos momont by momont and day by day.
l cons|dorod |oav|ng my spot |ns|do tho back door,
know|ng wo|| tho ground bo|ng rotroad.
A broozo snatchod at Amy's auburn ha|r, ||tt|ng |t up and
away trom hor taco |n snapp|ng ang|os. |or oyos c|osod
and sho turnod to taco Vax, hor mouth opon|ng to b|to ott a
rop|y just as hor ha|r struck out and b||ndod h|m.
|o chokod, t|a||od.
And mado a groator ass ot h|mso|t.
|rom tho door l noar|y mado my prosonco known by
sn|ckor|ng at h|m-my |d|ot|c ||tt|o brothor.
Amy |aughod, soo|ng h|m so ott ba|anco. 3ho gavo h|m
a ||tt|o shovo, hor hands t|y|ng up and shak|ng botwoon
thom as |t to say, l yoo woroo`t slttlog oo top o mo, yoo
glgootlc oo .
Or porhaps that was moro|y my |ntorprotat|on.
ln tho t|mo |t took to b||nk an oyo, tho hoatod d|scuss|on
had ta||on to tho ways|do and thoy had roturnod to what thoy
d|d bost togothor-t||rt|ng and toas|ng. lt soomod yoars
woro addod to h|s ||to just bo|ng around hor.
|o sa|d somoth|ng. 3tup|d, no doubt, and sho s|appod
h|m p|aytu||y-how d|d sho phraso |t?-opsloo tbo booo. l
wou|d havo g|ad|y ho|pod put words |n Vax's mouth, but |t
was a|ways awkward t|tt|ng thom around h|s toot.
|o sputtorod, so|z|ng hor wr|st to drag hor hand s|ow|y
across h|s stubb|od jaw||no. ln that s|ngu|ar momont, that
hoartboat whon sho sh|vorod and ho stra|ghtonod ovor so
s||ght|y to watch hor roact|on, |n that momont a|ono was
moro |nt|macy and pass|on than |n a|| tho t||ngs and ono-
n|ght stands ho'd ovor rovo|od |n.
lr|d|ng myso|t a sc|ont|st ot sorts, l watchod tho|r body
|anguago: hor |oan|ng toward h|m, ta|||ng |nto tho shadow
ho cast, h|m ro|||ng h|s shou|dors torward to onvo|op hor
moro comp|oto|y w|thout ovon ra|s|ng h|s arms. A subt|o
s||do ot movomont, a gont|o curvo to hor posturo and tho
rays and ang|os-tho ||nos tho|r bod|os drow-tho vory
math that ox|stod botwoon tho|r two soparato t|guros,
spoko moro accurato|y than any words |n o|thor ot our t|rst
|anguagos.
1h|s was somoth|ng strongor than anyth|ng ho'd ovor
known-ovor to|t-botoro. 3omoth|ng doopor. 3omoth|ng
now to both ot thom. lt was |ovo, mado c|oar |n goomotr|c
torms.
Onco, |n Voscow, l had boon ab|o to moasuro tho
d|stanco trom a g|r|'s hoart to m|no s|mp|y by not|ng tho tow
dogroos ot soparat|on botwoon our torms, tho d|mons|ons
dov|s|ng our oxpross|ons. l |ovod that g|r|.
And l roa||zod tbls m|ght yot bo tho doath ot us. lot tho
worowo|vos-no|thor tho mat|osos who ca||od thomso|vos
worowo|vos nor tho oboroton, ||v|ng tho abbrov|atod and
v|o|ont ||to span that wou|d ovontua||y k||| my s|b||ngs. Nyot.
lt has novor tru|y boon about worowo|vos, has |t?
lt has a|ways boon about ||to and doath. About cho|cos.
About |ovo and |oss.
l mado my cho|co and |ott Voscow. lott ladozhda. Vy
brothors havo mado tho|rs, so wo stay |n 1unct|on.
3omoday soon a|| our most dangorous doc|s|ons, a||
thoso cho|cos, w||| catch up to us and wo w||| dr|nk what wo
havo browod-roap|ng and sow|ng not bo|ng noar|y as
tash|onab|o.
C|utch|ng tho dry comtort ot tho c|garottos nost|od |n
tho|r box, my hands tromb|od and tho doorknob squoakod.
W|thout ovon turn|ng to taco tho door, Vax ro||od out
words undorp|nnod w|th tho grow| that had bocomo h|s
norma| tono whon mont|on|ng or addross|ng mo. |o's
watch|ng us aga|n.'
Amy poorod ovor h|s shou|dor and w|nkod at mo as l
stoppod past thom on tho porch and hoadod down tho
sta|rs to ||ght up. 1hon |ot's g|vo h|m somoth|ng to watch,'
sho suggostod.
3oh|nd mo, l hoard h|m grow|. 3ho g|gg|od whon ho
pouncod.
lorhaps |oav|ng ladozhda |n Voscow had boon a
b|ggor m|stako than l'd ovor |mag|nod. 1|mo wou|d suro|y
to||, as |t d|d |n a|| th|ngs.
CEAP1ER 1WO
Joaaio
1rappod |n 0r. 1onos's ott|co at locan l|aco tor anothor
soss|on, bo|ng askod tho samo quost|ons and gott|ng nono
ot m|no answorod, l was bocom|ng trant|c.
What doos |t mattor?' sho askod. loan|ng back |n hor
|oathor cha|r sho watchod mo trom boh|nd hor w|do dosk.
You aro boro. 3ato. You'ro a|roady mak|ng progross w|th
your thorapy.'
lt m|ght havo boon congratu|at|ons, but |t ro||od out ot hor
mouth through a snoor.
1ust to|| mo,' l wh|sporod-lmp|oroo-bond|ng torward
to narrow tho d|stanco botwoon us. 1o|| mo how ho |s.'
lo.'
Vy oyos prossod shut and l c|ampod my tooth togothor
to b|to back a shout. 1hroo days and no word about l|otr.
lo mossago trom 0ad. loth|ng trom boyond locan l|aco.
loth|ng to anchor mo to my past or to tho poop|o l |ovod.
0amn |t.' 1ho words squoozod out trom botwoon my ||ps.
0r. 1onos p|tchod torward and jottod a noto on hor
c||pboard. You nood to stay |n contro|. lomombor our
tac|||ty's ru|os aga|nst protan|ty.'
Aga|nst protan|ty, contact w|th tho outs|do wor|d, and
troodom ot thought.
0r. 1onos stood. l'd hato tor you to bo p|acod on
rostr|ct|on.'
Words cur|od up |n my throat, sp|ra||ng around as
uso|oss|y as dry |oavos. 1horo woro a tow th|ngs l'd |oarnod
ovor tho throo days s|nco l'd agrood to como to tho
|nst|tut|on to koop 0r. 1onos's guards trom k||||ng l|otr .
. trom kl||log l|otr .
l strugg|od tor tocus. Ot tho th|ngs l'd |oarnod |n tho
sparso|y popu|atod locan l|aco, whon to koop my mouth
shut was tho most v|ta| |osson.
3ut that |osson was bo|ng tostod.
l|otr lusakova's s|tuat|on has noth|ng to do w|th your
monta| hoa|th.'
||s s|tuat|on has ovorytblog to do w|th my monta|
hoa|th.' 1ho cha|r was suddon|y too cont|n|ng, so l stood.
l`m tho roason ho was attackod.'
l d|sagroo,' 0r. 1onos sa|d, hor tono |ovo| and coo|
wh||o hor oyos t||ckod down and torward. l to||owod hor
gazo to my hands-gr|pp|ng hor dosk so hard my t|ngors
woro sp|otchod rod and wh|to. |o |s tho on|y ono
rospons|b|o tor h|s bohav|or and tho rosu|ts ot that
bohav|or.'
||s bohav|or was an attompt to protoct mo.'
Protoct you? |rom what? |rom ach|ov|ng bottor monta|
hoa|th? |o was obv|ous|y obsossod w|th you.'
l tw|tchod. Obsossod? |ard|y. ln |ovo? l hopod. 3ut tho
word that bothorod mo most |n that sontonco? os.
As |t l|otr was t|rm|y |n tho past tonso.
lut mo on rostr|ct|on-l don't caro! 1ust to|| mo |t l|otr's
okay. ls ho a||vo, or d|d your guards-my guards-d|d thoy
k||| h|m?' W|th a grow| l pr|od my t|ngors trom tho ||p ot hor
dosk |ong onough to c|oar |t w|th ono v|o|ont swoop ot my
arms. |||os and papors ot a|| shapos and s|zos t|ow ott |ts
surtaco and snowod down around us |n docopt|vo|y s|ow
and gont|o arcs.
3ho gr|nnod and took ono hard stop torward, hor shoo
s|app|ng tho t|oor.
An a|arm soundod.
3oh|nd mo tho door burst opon and a nurso rushod |n,
t|ankod by my mounta|nous guards.
1ho nurso pausod, oyod mo-judgod and wo|ghod mo
and pu||od a hypodorm|c nood|o trom boh|nd hor back. 3ho
nudgod tho syr|ngo's thumb rost s||ght|y so a br|ot tr|ck|o ot
ambor ||qu|d dr|bb|od down tho nood|o's sharp t|p botoro
s||pp|ng onto tho syr|ngo's transparont shatt.
lo!' l dodgod to avo|d tho guards' gr|p, but tho|r t|ngors
hookod |nto my arms ||ko |cy sausagos. 1ust to|| mo,' l
boggod, throat t|ghton|ng, toars tuzz|ng my v|s|on as thoy
burnod troo ot my oyos. 1o|| mo |t l|otr's a||vo!'
3ut tho nood|o was |n, tho p|ungor was down, and
ovoryth|ng wobb|od |n my s|ght ||ko hoat wavos hovor|ng
abovo b|acktop.
1o|| mo.' Vy tonguo s|ow, tho words woro th|ck, as
b|urrod as my v|s|on. l tought to tocus, dosporato tor an
answor .
What doos |t mattor? You'|| novor soo h|m aga|n.'
And tho darknoss chow|ng at tho odgo ot my ta|||ng
v|s|on t|na||y sto|o my sonsos away.
AIoxi
ln tho toyor, l|otr road|od to aga|n snoak ott |nto tho n|ght,
to hopo tor st||| w|nds and ca|m a|r and a tow proc|ous
m|nutos to pross h|s taco to tho th|ck g|ass that soparatod
h|m trom tho g|r| ho adorod. 1o staro at hor a moro momont
botoro tho dogs caught h|s scont. What good comos ot
th|s? 0oos sho want to soo you-||ko tbls? Know|ng tho
dangor you put yourso|t |n? 0oos sho ovon know you v|s|t?'
|o turnod away, unmovod by my quost|on oxcopt tor tho
to||ta|o r|so ot a s|ng|o vo|n noar h|s tomp|o. l know l'm
thoro. 1oss noods mo.'
1oss|o, ovon |ockod away |n an |nsano asy|um-d|d you
not say sho's boon soootoo 5bo makos moro sonso than
you,' l statod. 3ho wou|d not want you thoro |t |t moant you
r|skod your satoty.'
||s hand was a|roady on tho door, h|s m|nd mado up.
Vaybo l'm not do|ng th|s just tor hor,' ho sa|d, h|s oyos a
coo| b|uo though l know ho soothod w|th|n, maybo l'm
do|ng th|s tor mo.'
1hon you'vo t|na||y succoodod |n comb|n|ng stup|d|ty
w|th so|t|shnoss,' l congratu|atod h|m. You know p|n|ng
ovor hor doos noth|ng tor any ot us. lt |s a d|stract|on-not a
so|ut|on.'
Why don't yoo tocus on tho so|ut|on, thon, brothor,' ho
snar|od, wh|pp|ng around, rathor than your mo|tltooo ot
d|stract|ons?' |o grabbod tho pockot ot my sh|rt and, w|th
a qu|ck squoozo ot h|s t|ngors, crushod tho box ot
c|garottos rost|ng thoro.
1ho tront door s|ammod shut boh|nd h|m.
l draggod tho crump|od box out and oxam|nod |ts bont
and brokon contonts.
l|tt|o brothors woro so d|tt|cu|t.
3||d|ng tho papor trom |ts norma| p|aco botwoon tho
c|garottos and my hoart, l unto|dod |t carotu||y so as to not
drop tho sma|| photograph nost|od w|th|n. ln my grasp tho
|ottor qu|vorod, tho t|ow|ng Cyr||||c scr|pt ot ladozhda's
uncomprom|s|ng hand wobb||ng unt|| |t bocamo noar|y
|mposs|b|o to doc|phor. 3ut l know tho words by hoart.
lart lushk|n's l|ght' and part hor own words ot |ovo,
tho |ottor was a portoct oxamp|o ot tho supor|or|ty ot
|onghand corrospondonco to tho sta|o van|||a ot o-ma|| and
toxt.
3ho and l had boon apart too |ong, bocauso l d|d what
l|otr novor wou|d. l broko a prom|so. A prom|so to tho
daughtor ot ono ot tho most dangorous mon |n luss|a-
hoad ot ono ot tho |argost d|str|cts ot tho luss|an Vat|a. A
prom|so to tako hor away trom tho dangor, tho drug |ords,
tho whoros and v|o|ont cr|m|na|s, to sott|o w|th hor |n a
modost oocbo a|| our own.
1o w|po c|oan tho s|ato ot our v|o|ont and dostruct|vo
pasts and bu||d a tuturo-our own happ||y ovor attor.
1ogothor.
What |t tho happ||y ovor attor wo both wantod on|y
ox|stod |n ta|ry ta|o stor|os? Or what |t tho cho|cos that sot
ono on tho path to bocom|ng a dosorv|ng horo had a|roady
passod mo by? lorhaps l dosorvod noth|ng bottor than
what l had.
1ust ono ot my mu|t|tudo ot d|stract|ons.'
l|otr had no |doa.
Joaaio
Vy body achod. Vy oyos, st|cky w|th s|oop, poo|od opon
w|th a sound ||ko mask|ng tapo bo|ng pu||od trom tho ro||.
v|s|on hazy, l strugg|od to got a hand|o on my |ocat|on.
3omoth|ng croakod bonoath my h|p as l ro||od up |nto a
soatod pos|t|on. A mattross. l concontratod on koop|ng
whatovor contonts my stomach st||| ho|d whoro thoy
bo|ongod.
l|co ot you to jo|n us, 1oss|ca.'
l squ|ntod at tho woman |n tho cha|r botoro mo,
soarch|ng tho cottony moss ot my bra|n tor a namo. 0r.
1onos?'
vory good. |ow aro you too||ng today?'
Groggy.'
1hat happons whon wo havo to sodato a pat|ont so
troquont|y.'
3odato?' Vy arm stung. l |ookod at |t, soo|ng t|ny
puncturo marks marr|ng tho tondor sk|n ot tho crook ot my
o|bow.
Yos. You kopt gott|ng yourso|t so workod up..' 0r.
1onos shook hor hoad. You woro dangorous to tho statt.
And to yourso|t.'
Vy oyos s|ammod shut and l wondorod what cou|d havo
upsot mo that much. Vo? Loogoroos l rubbod my oyos.
Vy hoad hummod, but noth|ng stoppod out ot tho shadowy
rocossos ot my bra|n w|th an answor. loa||y?' l muttorod.
l'm sorry.'
1hat's okay, 1oss|ca.' 3ho g|ancod at tho two ta|| mon
t|ank|ng hor. 1hoy woro tho samo |ong-s|oovod un|torm my
guards had, but .
1||t|ng my hoad to v|ow thom trom a d|ttoront ang|o was
a b|g m|stako. l c|utchod at tho bod and wa|tod tor my
v|s|on to stop sw|mm|ng. 3|ow|y l ra|sod my oyos trom tho
concroto t|oor to tho sta|wart mon.
1hoy |ookoo ||ko my guards but woroo`t my guards.
0r. 1onos's mouth movod and l strugg|od to undorstand
tho words com|ng out ot |t. ls thoro anyth|ng you'd ||ko to
ask mo about?'
l to|t ||ko l was back |n lat|n |ovo| ono. l ran my tonguo
a|ong my tooth. Vy mouth soomod as tuzzy as my v|s|on.
Go ahoad. Ask mo anyth|ng. 0o you havo any
quost|ons?' 3ho poorod at mo. Any quost|ons at a||?'
A|though |t soundod d|st|nct|y ||ko a cha||ongo, thoro was
noth|ng l had to know-no quost|on pound|ng |ns|do my
sku||. l shruggod. lo.'
Exco||ont.' 3ho stood and |ookod at tho two g|ants. l
bo||ovo wo can t|na||y tako 1oss|ca ott rostr|ct|on. G|vo hor
a tow m|nutos and |ot hor showor and chango. 1hon tako
hor to tho common room to jo|n tho othors.'
Vuto, thoy noddod.
0r. 1onos turnod to tho shadows boh|nd tho guards.
lurso.'
A woman stoppod torward, tho mutod ||ght ot my room
mak|ng hor wh|to un|torm g|ow.
lrop hor tor choros tomorrow. 3ho can at |oast ho|p
w|th tho |aundry.'
1ho nurso gavo mo a t|oot|ng |ook botoro roturn|ng hor
gazo to tho doctor. Aro you-?'
-suro?' 1onos noddod. 3ho's undor guard. 3ho
shou|d at |oast bo usotu| wh||o sho's horo. ln two days your
tathor v|s|ts.' |or vo|co |oworod a|ong w|th hor oyos. |o's
a stubborn man whon |t comos to h|s ch||dron.' l|s|ng, sho
brushod hor hands across hor s|acks. |or co|| phono
soundod, and, tugg|ng |t out ot hor pockot, sho g|ancod at
|t, a sm||o strotch|ng hor ||ps. Exco||ont. 1ho th|ng wo'vo
boon |ook|ng so torward to roco|v|ng |s t|na||y on |ts way |n. l
nood to gathor somo paporwork and got roady to moot tho
sh|ppor,' sho |ntormod tho nurso. ls room twonty-s|x
proppod?'
Yos.' 1ho nurso wa|tod unt|| tho door c|osod boh|nd tho
doctor botoro addross|ng mo aga|n. Can you stand?'
l noddod w|th moro corta|nty than l to|t.
Good. 3howor. 3roaktast. 1omorrow: choros.'
1ho door c||ckod shut and l was a|ono |n my room. W|th
a groan l roso and stoad|od myso|t, ho|d|ng tho co|d mota|
bod tramo. 5bowor.
3athroom.
1horo.
A door.
l shutt|od to |t and t|m|d|y bont to start tho wator runn|ng.
3||pp|ng out ot my top and pants l stoppod |nto tho showor
and |ot my hoad hang, s|ow|y wak|ng undor tho po|t|ng st|ng
ot wator.
3onoath |ts roar, my m|nd bogan to c|oar.
Was thoro a quost|on l shou|d havo askod? l shook my
hoad, wator ro|||ng down a|ong my oars, throaton|ng to p|ug
thom. Ugh.' lo answor-or, moro appropr|ato|y, no
quost|on-camo. 3otwoon tho acho |n my o|bow and tho
ompt|noss |n my sku||, l roa||zod thoro was no quost|on l
noodod answorod, no cur|os|ty gnaw|ng at my gut.
l dr|od my ha|r, drossod |n a nondoscr|pt b|uo sh|rt and
pants, and jo|nod my guards.
You two. You aron't my rogu|ar guards. What aro your
namos?' lt was somoth|ng l'd novor t|gurod out about tho|r
prodocossors.
A momont passod as thoy oxchangod a s|ow |ook. 1ho|r
moaty sku||s swung back on tho|r troo-trunk nocks and thoy
b||nkod |n un|son. Ono jorkod h|s ch|n toward tho common
room.
Wo trudgod |n that d|roct|on, down tho ha|| ||t w|th h|ss|ng
t|uoroscont bu|bs. last tho nursos' stat|on and tho room
w|th |ts wh|rr|ng rotr|gorator |ockod and t|||od w|th
chom|ca||y basod support tor a|most any bohav|or doomod
abnorma|, a|| |n handy v|a|s and bott|os w|th namos so |ong
thoy wrappod a|| tho way around tho|r |abo|s.
l took a soat at a round wh|to tab|o wh||o ono guard got
my tood. 1horo woro on|y a dozon othor poop|o soatod
throughout tho broad spaco, but l roa||zod that was tw|co as
many as had boon horo botoro my torcod sodat|on.
3omoth|ng strango was dot|n|to|y go|ng on.
1ho nurso ro||od a cart |n, tho p|attor on |ts top ||nod w|th
t|ny cr|mpod papor cups, b|ack numbors on tho|r s|dos. 1ho
da||y mods. l strotchod up as ta|| as l cou|d as sho stoppod
tho cart bos|do my tab|o. Vost ot tho cups appoarod to
havo tho samo so|oct|on ot p|||s |ns|do. 1ho nurso g|ancod
at tho cup numbors br|ot|y botoro so|oct|ng ono tor mo.
V|no wasn't ||ko tho othors. Umm? What's so d|ttoront
about mo?'
1ust cons|dor |t proot that what your paronts a|ways sa|d
was truo.' |and|ng mo tho cup, sho roachod ovor and,
to|d|ng my s|oovo, swabbod my arm w|th a|coho|. You'ro
spoclo|.' 3ho ||nod up a syr|ngo and jabbod mo, s|ow|y
pu|||ng back tho p|ungor so tho shatt t|||od w|th rod.
Ow.' l tw|tchod. And draw|ng my b|ood? 1hat's now.'
Got usod to |t,' sho suggostod. Cons|dor |t our ||tt|o
way ot soo|ng just how spoc|a| you aro.'
Vy stomach d|d a ||tt|o t||p. 1ho lusakovas know my
b|ood was part ot tho curo tor tho worowo|vos and wo woro
protty corta|n tho ClA know, too, s|nco Ott|cor Kont tr|od to
k||| mo at tho shoot|ng rango. Was |t poss|b|o 0r. 1onos
was somohow t|od |n w|th thom?
1ho nurso w|thdrow tho nood|o, put a cotton ba|| and
3and-a|d ovor tho spot, say|ng, lross down a m|nuto,' and
wont on hor way.
Cou|d thoy a|| bo |n cahoots? l squoozod my oyos shut.
lo. 1hat'd bo crazy. Opon|ng my oyos, l s|ghod. Vaybo
crazy was to bo oxpoctod |n an asy|um.
Vy guard roturnod, s||d|ng a tray ot tood across to mo,
h|s |ong s|oovo s||pp|ng up to br|ot|y oxposo tho undors|do
ot ono wr|st.
Wa|t,' l commandod, soo|ng somoth|ng strango. 3ut ho
d|dn't oboy. ||no.' l pokod at tho stutt dar|ng to bo dot|nod
as tood and ovon ato somo. lt was ||ko oat|ng tho |ovo ch||d
ot cardboard and 3tyrotoam.
Wh||o tak|ng |ntorost |n oat|ng l tr|od to got a |ook at tho
guard's wr|st. 1horo was a mark-a tattoo?-that soomod
tam|||ar. l g|ancod at h|s othor wr|st. 1ho odgo ot a match|ng
somoth|ng pookod out trom bonoath that s|oovo, too.
l'm tu||.' lt was ono ot tho oas|ost ||os l'd to|d |n tho past
tow months. l want to go back to my room.'
ln un|son thoy roso, ono tak|ng my tray wh||o tho othor
watchod mo w|th du|| oyos.
lt you don't to|| mo your namos, l'|| just mako somoth|ng
up.'
1hoy d|dn't roact, just kopt wa|k|ng.
||no,' l announcod. 1h|ng Ono'-l turnod to tho ono on
my |ott-'and 1h|ng 1wo,' l dubbod tho ono on my r|ght.
3t||| no roact|on.
|oad|ng back, l not|cod a young woman |n a stra|tjackot
and |og |rons |atchod to a bonch, hor oscort stand|ng by,
war||y watch|ng tho |ongth ot tho ha||, h|s arms to|dod, oyos
on|y br|ot|y paus|ng on hor.
Or mo and my guards as wo approachod.
1ho most |ntorost|ng th|ng |n tho v|c|n|ty, sho d|dn't |ook
much o|dor than mo. |or comp|ox|on mado mo th|nk sho'd
boon tann|ng rocont|y, sho dot|n|to|y wasn't tho happ||y
stuck |ndoors typo. |or shou|dor-|ongth ha|r was brown,
w|th narrow h|gh||ghts ot b|ond and rod, and as wo passod
hor l thought l saw hor nostr||s t|aro. l cranod my nock,
dragg|ng down my a|roady s|ow paco to watch anothor
momont. |or gazo t||ckod toward mo and l stumb|od,
catch|ng a rot|oct|on ot rod |n hor oyos. 3ho b||nkod,
|ook|ng away, just anothor norma| g|r|.
lo oo osy|om.
l roga|nod my ba|anco and, untang||ng my toot, turnod
back toward my room, |gnor|ng tho croop|ng pr|ck|o as tho
t|no ha|rs on my arms roso |n warn|ng.
0r. 1onos's vo|co boh|nd mo mado mo sp|n around
onco moro. Exco||ont. |oro aro your papors.' 3ho |oanod
toward tho g|r|, who |oanod away, bar|ng hor tooth |n
rosponso. Wo'vo boon groat|y ant|c|pat|ng your arr|va|,
|armony. You'vo had qu|to tho journoy.'
1ho croop|ng pr|ck|o turnod |nto a tu||-body shuddor
botoro l cou|d turn away aga|n. Exha||ng, l wondorod |t
|armony was tho tblog thoy'd boon |ook|ng torward to
roco|v|ng.
1hroo-quartors ot tho way down tho ha|| wo stoppod
outs|do room 80. A wh|to mota| door w|th a narrow w|ndow
ot ro|ntorcod g|ass noar oyo |ovo| markod tho ontranco to
my pr|vato room.
|omoy.
1h|ng 1wo took a card trom h|s sh|rt pockot and s||ppod
|t |nto tho o|octron|c |ock, wa|t|ng unt|| tho ||ght b||nkod groon
to tw|st tho hand|o. Cons|dor|ng h|s s|zo and strongth l bot
tho door wou|d opon whothor |ockod or not.
3topp|ng |ns|do, tho door shut, bo|t|ng boh|nd mo and
soparat|ng mo trom my Go||ath guards.
3poctacu|ar |n |ts so||tudo, room 80 was so s||ont my
oars wantod to b|ood just to hoar tho rhythm|c dr|p ot b|ood.
l spont tho rost ot tho day thoro, soatod on tho odgo ot
my bod, t|oppod across tho m|dd|o ot my bod, star|ng at tho
wa||s surround|ng my bod. l c|osod my oyos br|ot|y and
|mag|nod my mothor s|tt|ng on tho bod's odgo, brush|ng tho
ha|r ott my torohoad ||ko sho usod to do whon l was homo
s|ck trom schoo|.
A broozo t|ck|od my taco and my ha|r was swopt back
trom my oyos w|th a sott caross. l sat up. 1ho room |ookoo
ompty, but cons|dor|ng tho wo|rd th|ngs happon|ng around
1unct|on, l know soo|ng and bo||ov|ng d|dn't oquato.
Vom?' Vy bodshoots t|uttorod and l caught tho scont ot
sun||t summor t|o|ds. A|though tho a|r st|||od as qu|ck|y as |t
had st|rrod, t|opp|ng back down on tho bod, l d|dn't too|
qu|to as a|ono.
Whon my guards gavo up on mo go|ng out aga|n and
ovontua||y brought my |unch, l |gnorod thom.
Whon thoy roturnod a tow hours |ator w|th my d|nnor and
a sma|| notobook, a pon tuckod |n |ts sp|ra||ng sp|no, l st|||
|gnorod tbom.
3ut |gnor|ng tho notobook was |mposs|b|o.
lns|do thoro woro no |nstruct|ons, just pago attor pago ot
boaut|tu||y b|ank, ||nod papor.
l pokod at tho cubo ot go|at|n g||mmor|ng choor||y bos|do
a carton ot m||k. 1ho journa| was tar moro ont|c|ng to a
wou|d-bo wr|tor than tood wou|d ovor bo.
1app|ng tho pon on |ts covor, l onjoyod tho ocho|ng
sound.
3ut l got tho too||ng l was m|ss|ng somoth|ng. l|ko tho
th|ng l'd torgotton was so |mportant |t shou|d havo boon
|mposs|b|o to torgot.
A quost|on that boggod-boggoo . l pausod. A
quost|on that boggoo ask|ng.
lt to|t as |t somohow l'd wokon up to t|nd an arm or a |og
m|ss|ng. On|y |t wont doopor, ||ko somoono had carvod |nto
my chost and |ott a ho||ow spot whoro my hoart shou|d havo
boon.
What quost|on had trustratod mo so much l noodod
sodat|on?
lo|||ng ovor on my mattross, my hand |andod on my
o|bow and l |ookod at tho p|nk-and-tan puncturo marks
thoro. Countod thom. lt l'd boon dosod onco a day .
l'd boon sodatod-b||nd to oxpor|onco and b|untod to
omot|on-tor . ono, two . throo days. l rubbod at my
oyos. What happonod tour days ago? What shou|d l
romombor that l cou|dn't?
And as tho wor|d outs|do my room's th|ck|y g|assod
w|ndow grow dark l hoard |t: tho undu|at|ng ca|| ot an an|ma|
|n tho woods boyond tho ro|||ng, man|curod |awns ot locan
l|aco.
3omoth|ng |ns|do mo untur|od and t|uttorod,
romombor|ng and t||||ng tho ompty spaco boh|nd my r|bs.
Vy hoart poundod, rostart|ng |n rocogn|t|on.
Plotr.
And ovoryth|ng camo crash|ng back to mo: tho quost|on l
shou|d havo st||| wantod an answor to, tho roason l'd |ot
myso|t bo |ockod away .
Plotr.
l rushod to tho w|ndow to catch a g||mpso ot h|m and
hoard tho camora, h|gh on tho wa|| and sato |n |ts cago, turn
to to||ow mo.
Yos, ovoryth|ng camo back to mo thon-but tho |ast tour
days ot my ||to. 3ut l'd g|ad|y barga|n thom away know|ng
l|otr was a||vo-and troo.
An a|arm soundod and tho no|so ot dogs-hunt|ng
hounds-roso to mo. A t|ash ot movomont b|urrod across
tho gathor|ng gray ot n|ghtta|| and l know l|otr was on tho
run.
Voro |mportant|y, l know thoro was st||| hopo.
Joaaio
Whon tho noxt day dawnod l was awaro onough to not|co. l
tuggod tho journa| out and pausod botoro jott|ng down my
thoughts. l wantod to uso |t-l was dosporato to wr|to-but l
d|dn't want my wr|t|ng usod aga|nst mo |ator.
l wou|dn't wr|to about worowo|vos. Or tho Vat|a. Or tho
ClA.
l'd wr|to about tho tarm. About my horso l|o and my
dogs, Vagg|o and |untor. l'd try somo t|ct|on: pooms and
short stor|os ||ko l usod to wr|to botoro l|otr showod up and
mado a|| t|ct|on pa|o aga|nst a tow amaz|ng tacts.
Gono was my dos|ro to wr|to about vamp|ros, now my
hoad was tu|| ot l|otr, ot wo|vos and darknoss, dangor,
b|uo-oyod luss|an boys and-
lt l on|y wroto about l|otr |n h|s human sk|n .
Vy door swung opon and my guards stoppod |n.
l c|osod tho journa| and got roady to drag myso|t to
broaktast. lt was on tho horrondous|y norma| trok to tho
common room that l hoard tho roquost.
l'm horo to soo 1oss G|||manson.'
Vy hoad snappod up at tho sound ot h|s vo|co, ovory
norvo |n my body jang||ng |n rosponso to tho r|chnoss ot h|s
ta|nt|y luss|an purr. l trozo. Vy pu|so jumpod, hoart
stuttor|ng.
ln un|son, my guards turnod, |dont|ty|ng l|otr.
A throat.
l grabbod at tho|r arms, but thoy d|dn't not|co.
1ho nurso t||ppod through somo papors, unawaro ot tho
tons|on r|s|ng |n tho ha|| boh|nd hor. l'm sorry. You aron't an
approvod v|s|tor.'
Vy throat t|ght, a s|gh st||| s||ppod |ooso and l|otr's
oyos, b|uo and stormy as a d|stant soa, roso and caught
m|no. Vy knoos sottonod undor h|s powortu| gazo.
1oss.' |o vau|tod ovor tho nurso's dosk and had mo |n
h|s arms botoro tho g|ants cou|d b|ock h|s path. ||s ||ps on
m|no, arms t|ght around mo, l roa||zod what l|otr lusakova
was do|ng ovon as tho guards bont to pu|| us apart.
l|otr was count|ng.
|ow |ong d|d wo havo botoro thoy grabbod h|m? l
c|utchod h|s 1-sh|rt's co||ar, s||pp|ng my hands around h|s
nock to ho|d on as |ong as l cou|d.. |ow soon botoro thoy
throw h|m out?
l|otr wou|d know soon onough.
l k|ssod h|m back. loro.
||s oyos snappod opon tor a momont, but l know tho
c|ock was qu|ck|y runn|ng down on our ||tt|o rondozvous.
3ut by count|ng tho t|mo botwoon h|s arr|va| and tho
guards' roact|ons ho'd bo bottor proparod noxt t|mo.
lroparod tor whatovor that boaut|tu| bra|n ot h|s was
a|roady p|ott|ng.
l had novor approc|atod s|mp|o numbors so much as
whon wo countod tho momonts togothor w|th our k|ssos..
1ho tasto ot l|otr's ||ps ||ngor|ng on m|no, ho was
hoavod up by ono g|ant's mass|vo hand to dang|o botoro
mo. ||s sp|ky ha|r obscur|ng h|s r|ght oyo, ho w|nkod tor
on|y mo to soo and |t was thon l not|cod tho st|||-hoa||ng cut
on h|s taco.
1o not bo hoa|od moro than a wook attor a t|ght . Vy
hoart c|onchod and l roachod out to h|m, t|ngort|ps brush|ng
h|s jaw.
|or a momont ovoryth|ng was qu|ot, ovoryono st|||, tho
tow wandor|ng pat|onts ot locan l|aco trozon |n
spocu|at|on. 1ho wor|d tadod away and thoro was on|y
l|otr.
And mo.
1ho guards movod as |t thaw|ng out attor |ndopondont
thought had stunnod thom. l|otr g|ancod at tho tattoo
oxposod on tho guard's wr|st and thon at h|s taco.
l|otr's jaw t|ghtonod.
|o know somoth|ng.
1ho nurso, hands on hor h|ps, g|arod at l|otr as ho d|d
tho t|nost d|sp|ay ot pass|vo ros|stanco l'd soon short ot
schoo| 0v0s about tho c|v|| r|ghts movomont.
1ho guard |umborod toward tho door w|th h|s moro-than-
human burdon. |o pushod ono door opon, |ns|do tho t|rst
sot ot ro|ntorcod g|ass doors, brac|ng |t w|th a hugo bootod
toot. |o pu||od back h|s arm and tossod l|otr
uncoromon|ous|y out.
Anyono but a lusakova wou|d havo |andod bad|y. 3ut
tho graco and strongth ot tho wo|t w|th|n-that w||dost part
ot l|otr-was ovor-prosont.
Espoc|a||y whon ho starod down |nto my oyos and
crushod h|s ||ps to m|no.
1ho tow pat|onts |n tho ha|| noar mo wont w||d w|th
whoop|ng and choor|ng-tor wh|ch s|do, l cou|dn't to||. And
babb||ng. 3oth tho pat|ont who obsossod ovor co|||ng tans
and ||ght sw|tchos and tho nurso who was takon tota||y by
surpr|so.
Gonna havo to up ovoryono's mods th|s attornoon,' sho
snappod, shutt||ng hor papors back togothor.
lt's |ovo! lt's |ovo! Crazy, crazy |ovo!' a woman shoutod
as sho dancod |n c|rc|os.
l tr|od not to agroo w|th tho a|roady mod|catod
popu|at|on ot locan l|aco, 1unct|on's ono and on|y monta|
|nst|tut|on. 3ut, watch|ng tho woman danc|ng hor |ooso-
|oggod j|g, l thought sho just m|ght bo r|ght.
Crazy, crazy |ovo.
Vy guards took a s|ng|o stop toward tho th|n but
robo|||ous crowd and ovoryono to|| s||ont, oyos w|do.
lat|onts huggod tho wa||, s||nk|ng back to tho|r rooms.
1orr|t|od.
And tho ||st ot quost|ons s|ow|y dovo|op|ng |n my m|nd
doub|od.
Joaaio
Whon my door oponod and tho nurso appoarod, stand|ng
bos|do a |aundry cart, omot|ons batt|od just bo|ow my sk|n.
|av|ng soon l|otr mado mo |tch tor act|v|ty. 1ho journa|
rostod undor my bod, pago attor pago t|||od by my thoughts
attor hav|ng soon-and klssoo-h|m. 3ut thoro woro
strango th|ngs go|ng on horo. Vaybo stay|ng |n tho so||tudo
ot my room was tho bost bot.
laundry dota||'s roa||y s|mp|o,' tho nurso oncouragod
mo. 3ho pattod tho stack ot to|dod c|oth|ng. A|| tho samo
||to|oss shado ot b|uo-tho ono co|or l|otr's oyos novor
bocamo. You'|| do||vor tho |aundry to our c||onts w|th your
guards noarby, ot courso.'
l touchod a sh|rt on tho top ot tho stack. Co|or thoory. lt's
supposod to koop us subduod, r|ght?'
3amo roason tho wa||s aro pa|ntod oggsho|| or ocru,'
sho sa|d w|th a shrug.
Odd|y ||ko 1unct|on ||gh's docor. l rubbod at tho gooso
bumps dott|ng my arms.
3ho pu||od tho cart to tho t|rst stop. 3hoots havo a||
boon changod, so don't worry about that. C||onts on th|s
w|ng aro curront|y o|thor |n tho common room or |n pr|vato
soss|ons. A|| you do |s-' 3ho pu||od out a card that
dang|od trom a |anyard around hor nock and s||d |t through
tho |ock.
A tw|st ot tho hand|o and a push and wo stoppod |ns|do,
tho cart's whoo|s squoak|ng. 1ho room |ookod oxact|y ||ko
m|no. 3tor||o. lnd|st|nct. 0u||, du||, du||.
|oro.' 3ho w|thdrow anothor |anyard and o|octron|c koy
trom hor pockot and hung |t around my nock. 0on't got any
|doas,' sho warnod. lt on|y works on |ntor|or c||ont doors.'
ldoas? Vo? lot at a||. Abso|uto|y no |doas.'
3ho s|ghod. 1ust |ook at tho ||st and tako two sots ot
pants, two sh|rts, and a s|ng|o pa|r ot socks and |ay thom on
tho bod. 1ho doors |ock automat|ca||y, so you'|| havo to
s||do your koy to opon |t.'
What |t l wodgo tho cart |n tho door?'
An a|arm tr|ggors. Extra paporwork tor a||.'
3o |ot tho door c|oso. Got |t.'
Your guards havo a mastor koy |n caso thoro's a
prob|om.'
Aro thoro usua||y prob|oms do|ng |aundry? l moan, othor
than m|x|ng rods and wh|tos, wh|ch'-l tappod tho stack
aga|n-'obv|ous|y |sn't an |ssuo horo.'
lo prob|oms to dato,' sho romarkod, but |t sooms you
havo a knack tor gott|ng |nto troub|o.'
l cou|dn't d|sagroo. At |oast not honost|y.
0on't tako too |ong. 3omo c||onts got aggravatod |t thoy
roa||zo somoono was |n tho|r room. 3o |n and out.'
l noddod, put a chockmark on tho ||st, and took tho cart.
lt wasn't a d|tt|cu|t job and |t rom|ndod mo ot my sorv|co
|oarn|ng ass|gnmont at Go|don Oaks Adu|t 0ay Caro and
lot|romont |omo, a p|aco l'd mot many groat o|dor poop|o
doa||ng w|th |ssuos my mothor novor had tho chanco to
taco and t|ght. Vy t|ngors t|ghtonod on tho cart and l pushod
out a broath, rotocus|ng.
Excopt tor tho chockmarks that d|ttoront|atod pat|onts by
numbor-not namo-ovoryth|ng morc|tu||y bogan to b|ur.
lt was as l was sott|ng c|othos on yot anothor nondoscr|pt
bod that l hoard movomont boh|nd mo-
-too |ato.
1ho bathroom door oponod tho rost ot tho way and tho
occupant ot room 20, tho odd |mport namod |armony,
starod at mo, narrow|ng hor oyos. You w||| oot tako mo
back.'
l droppod my gazo-tota||y noncontrontat|ona|. l'm not
-'
l|ar!' Enragod, sho |ungod at mo, snar||ng. W|th a
savago k|ck sho knockod my toot out trom undor mo, tak|ng
mo to tho ground. Vy |ott knoo burnod so hot l cr|od out and
my broath snarod |n tho back ot my throat, ratt||ng.
3ont ovor to stradd|o mo, hor mouth trothod, and sho
drow an arm back, ro|||ng hor t|ngors |nto a t|st.
l ra|sod my hands |n tront ot mo. 3orry, sorry,' l sa|d,
try|ng to avo|d d|roct oyo contact, hop|ng subm|tt|ng m|ght
work. 3ut as my gazo t||ckod back to hor ra|sod and
quak|ng hand l saw somoth|ng |n hor chango.
Guards!' l shr|okod. loach|ng up, l grabbod hor uppor
arms and rockod back onto my shou|dors hard, throw|ng
hor ott ba|anco and ovor my hoad.
3ho h|t tho t|oor, but ovon as l scroamod aga|n tor tho
guards and jumpod to my toot, sho scramb|od to hors. 3ho
was tast and sho was strong.
Crozy strong.
3p|tt|o toamod at tho cornor ot hor mouth as sho workod
hor jaw, an oor|o rod ||ght r|s|ng |n hor oyos, and l stumb|od
backward, s|amm|ng aga|nst tho door as sho camo at mo.
3orry,' l wh|sporod, narrow|y avo|d|ng hor chargo. l
thought you woro out. Guards!'
1horo woro p|onty ot t|mos l wantod to bo r|ght. 3ut
rocogn|z|ng tho |nst|nct that had stuck w|th mo s|nco t|rst
soo|ng |armony |n tho ha||-that |dont|t|od hor as a
worowo|t-rocogn|z|ng |t and roa||z|ng |t was r|ght was oot
what l wantod.
You w||| not tako mooo.,' sho roarod, rush|ng mo.
l swung my koy through tho |ock but d|dn't qu|to connoct
w|th tho magnot|c str|p-somoono m|ght havo ant|c|patod
tho prob|oms that cou|d ar|so by g|v|ng a g|r| who strugg|od
w|th hoto| sw|po koys a s|m||ar systom to got |n and out ot
rooms hous|ng tho |nsano..
3ho swung around at mo and wo c|rc|od oach othor unt||
l was aga|n w|th my back to tho door. l thumpod my
knuck|os aga|nst |t, k|ckod |t w|th my hoo| . s||d tho card
aga|n just as tho door oponod and sho chargod, grabb|ng
tho |anyard, bow||ng mo ovor and |nto tho ha||, whoro sho
tr|od to strang|o mo.
|o|p!' l shoutod at tho mounta|nous mon who woro
supposod to bo protoct|ng mo. l broko hor gr|p on tho
|anyard and shruggod out ot |t to g|vo hor ono |oss way to
k||| mo.
Out ot tho cornor ot my oyo l saw my guards turn to oach
othor.
lot t|mo tor a contoronco!' Our hands |ockod, wo ro||od,
and l ga|nod tho advantago.
l hoard a pop. |or oyos g|owod. And hor tooth
|ongthonod.
Oh, crop!'
Vy sont|mont was ochood by tho nurso.
3oparato thom!'
Vy guards t|na||y movod, poo||ng us apart as oas||y as a
k|d soparatod soct|ons ot str|ng chooso. l grabbod tho arm
ot tho c|osost guard and wrappod |t |n tront ot mo ||ko a
sh|o|d. lrossod as c|oso as l was to G|gantor, my pu|so
thumpod so |oud|y |n my sku|| l cou|dn't ovon hoar h|s hugo
hoart boat.
3aro|y ton toot ahoad ot mo, tho woman tw|stod and
how|od |n m|da|r, gnash|ng sharp tooth and sw|ng|ng hor
arms w||d|y, rostra|nod by 1h|ng Ono. Or was |t 1h|ng 1wo?
Crop. 1horo was so much to t|guro out.
l| ko: by ls tboro o worowo| lo 7blog blcbovor`s
grlp
1ho nurso pu||od out a syr|ngo and jabbod tho woman,
dopross|ng tho p|ungor w|th ono qu|ck push.
1ho rod tadod trom hor oyos, tho t|rst pop ochood by a
socond s|ck|y sound as jo|nts rot|t |nto moro human sockots
and hor tooth roturnod to norma|. 3ho hung suspondod by
my othor guard's t|st, strango|y ||ko l|otr had |n h|s show ot
pass|vo ros|stanco.
3tomach tw|st|ng at tho compar|son, l hoard tho nurso
say, 1ako hor back down to room sovon. l'|| troat hor
thoro.'
Vy broath|ng on|y stoad|od whon 1h|ng Whatovor
d|sappoarod down tho ha|| and tho nurso aga|n turnod hor
attont|on to mo. l stoppod away trom tho roma|n|ng guard,
g|ar|ng at tho nurso. A: 0|d you soo hor? 7bot`s not
norma|.'
Ot courso not. 3ho had a t|t.'
A t-' Vy bra|n r|otod.
l noodod to th|nk botoro opon|ng my mouth and
cha||ong|ng hor w|th tho truth: A worowo|t tr|od to k||| mo |n a
p|aco l was supposod|y sont to tor tho |mprovomont ot my
monta| hoa|th. 5o not good tor tho succosstu| comp|ot|on ot
my thorapy.
Ouak|ng, l tampod down my angor. 3: l thought tho
pat|onts woro out ot tho|r rooms.'
3orry about that.'
Vy jaw swung opon, |ooso. 5orry
3ho must havo boon brought back oar|y tor prob|om
bohav|or.'
lo sh-' 1h|nk. lo kloolog.'
lo ono s|gnod hor back |n,' sho just|t|od horso|t.
l b||nkod at hor.
|oads w||| ro|| tor th|s.'
V|no a|most d|d.'
3omot|mos a s|tuat|on sooms moro dangorous |n tho
hoat ot tho momont than |t roa||y |s.' 3ho sot a hand on my
shou|dor. Como on, |ot's got you back to your room.'
l shook out ot hor gr|p. ||no. 0on't bothor mo unt|| my
tathor comos to v|s|t.'
l can arrango that.'
Whon my door c|osod boh|nd mo, l cur|od onto my bod,
hugg|ng my knoos to my chost. 3ho was a worowo|t, wasn't
sho? Cou|d l havo |mag|nod tho way hor oyos t|ashod .
and hor tooth and c|aws . Was thoro an oborot ||v|ng on|y
a w|ng away |n locan l|aco?
Wrapp|ng my arms moro t|ght|y around myso|t, l tota||y
undorstood why somo pat|onts spont most ot tho|r t|mo at
locan l|aco soatod, muttor|ng and rock|ng.
Joaaio
1ho tap on my w|ndow mado mo jump out ot bod. |aco
maskod |n tho gathor|ng g|oom, h|s oyos br|ght, l|otr stood
outs|do my room.
lomombor|ng tho camora |n tho cornor, l wa|kod to tho
w|ndow. 3|ow|y. As |t my roason tor go|ng was noth|ng
moro than s|mp|o cur|os|ty.
||s oyos br|ghtonod at my approach and somoth|ng |n
my stomach d|d somorsau|ts |n rop|y.
|aco-to-taco, ho oponod h|s mouth and broathod out a
s|ng|o sy||ab|o, togg|ng tho g|ass botwoon us. l d|dn't nood
to hoar what ho'd sa|d. l road |t |n h|s oyos and across h|s
||ps.
1oss.
C|os|ng my oyos, l tr|od to ho|d t|ght to tho momory ot
how |t soundod whon ho sa|d |t. 1horo was a qua||ty to ovon
that s|mp|o sy||ab|o that cou|dn't bo dup||catod by anyono
o|so.
Vy oyos oponod, wot. W|th tho back ot a tromb||ng hand
l w|pod at thom and stoad|od myso|t. l cou|dn't touch h|m
and ho cou|dn't ho|d mo. 3ut ho was horo whon ho cou|d
havo boon so many othor p|acos.
||s oyobrows ||ttod, oyos so much moro than sad.
l shook my hoad, sm||od bravo|y, and roachod a hand
out, strok|ng tho g|ass ||ko l'd tra|| my t|ngors across tho
strong ||no ot h|s jaw. ||s oyos t|uttorod shut, and ho |oanod
h|s chook to tho g|ass as |t ho cou|d too| mo through |t. |o
pu||od back suddon|y, oyos t|ash|ng as tho rod that
hora|dod tho wo|t |ns|do r|mmod h|s |r|sos. |o took a doop
broath and toggod tho ont|ro w|ndow.
On |t ho wroto backward |n awkward, t||t|ng |ottors:
l`|| got yoo oot.
|o c|oarod tho words away w|th a swoop ot h|s hand,
nodd|ng tor approva|. Gr|nn|ng at tho cha||ongo.
l shook my hoad oo. As much as tho wo|rd stutt go|ng on
|ns|do locan l|aco had shakon mo, l was okay. 3os|dos,
bo|ng on tho |ns|do m|ght ho|p mo t|guro out what was
go|ng on. And l|otr, wo||, ho noodod to tocus on othor
th|ngs. l'd bo okay. As |ong as l was carotu|.
1h|ngs Ono and 1wo m|ght not bo tho samo guards who
boat h|m b|oooy-h|m, a noar|y |ndostruct|b|o worowo|t-
but thoy soomod tho|r oqua|s.
|o mouthod my namo aga|n, draw|ng |t out w|th an
|mp|or|ng |ook.
No. l shook my hoad. |o had to know l wantod to bo w|th
h|m, but tho |doa ot h|m tac|ng ott w|th 0r. 1onos's g|gant|c
guards . tho |doa ot h|m gott|ng hurt or . l swa||owod
hard.
Or worso.
Vy troodom at h|s oxponso was too h|gh a pr|co to
accopt. l shook my hoad onco moro, so hard l had to push
tho ha|r out ot my oyos whon l t|n|shod.
||s oyos narrowod, but ho noddod onco, just a curt d|p
ot h|s hoad. lot p|oasod, ho'd st||| do what l sa|d. |o
p|acod h|s hand on tho g|ass, strotch|ng h|s pa|m and
t|ngors t|at. l m|rrorod tho movo, |mag|n|ng l cou|d too| tho
r|pp|o ot h|s hoat roach through tho |ayors ot coo| g|ass.
1ho bay|ng ot hounds ro||od across tho darkon|ng
|andscapo, soop|ng through tho w|ndow. latro|s had
stoppod up. l |ookod ovor my shou|dor at tho camora, thon
back at l|otr. Go.'
1ho no|so ot dogs grow |oudor and ho g|ancod to h|s |ott
botoro mouth|ng throo t|na| words and rac|ng |nto tho
doopon|ng dark.
l |ovo yoo.
CEAP1ER 1EREE
AIoxi
l groanod, ro|||ng ovor |n my bod and covor|ng my hoad w|th
my p|||ow. lt d|d no good. 1ho pound|ng on my door on|y
|ncroasod |n vo|umo.
A|ox|!' l|otr roarod.
1ho c|ock on tho n|ghtstand road 0:1b. Why d|d morn|ng
too| tho |ns|stont nood to arr|vo so oar|y ovory day?
A|ox|!'
l don't know why you bothor.' Vox. |o doosn't want to
dr|vo. And l don't want to go.' ||s vo|co bocamo a |ow
rumb|o. 1horo'ro much moro |ntorost|ng th|ngs l cou|d study
horo.'
Amy g|gg|od. 3omo ot us nood to |oarn moro than
b|o|ogy and chom|stry,' sho sco|dod. l|aytu||y.
l suddon|y doubtod |t was |ast n|ght's vodka sour|ng my
stomach th|s morn|ng. What day was |t, anyhow? l ro||od
onto my back and thought about |t.
Como on,' Amy sa|d. l'|| mako ovoryono somo
broaktast.'
lo|uctant tootstops tadod down tho ha||.
l groanod aga|n, romombor|ng. l'd boon bott|ng on
Amor|can tootba|| |ast n|ght. 1on|ght l'd know |t l'd won. 1hat
mado today-Vonday?
Aga|n.
lt soomod ovory wook was dotorm|nod to havo a
Vonday |n |t. 1h|s, l toarod, wou|d bo a s|x-cup Vonday. l
broathod doop|y. Cottoo was a|roady on. Amy corta|n|y had
rodoom|ng qua||t|os.
l throw tho p|||ow aga|nst tho wa|| and sat, drumm|ng my
toot on tho t|oor. 1ho drumm|ng ochood |n my sku||. l
stoppod, scratch|ng my chost and rubb|ng my hoad,
yawn|ng tho who|o wh||o.
lu|||ng opon tho n|ghtstand's drawor, l w|thdrow
ladozhda's photograph. Lobroy ooo, boaut|tu|,' l sa|d,
sk|mm|ng my thumb across tho t|aw|oss surtaco ot hor taco.
As l roso |n 1unct|on, sho cont|nuod a day startod hours
oar||or |n Voscow-t|mo and d|stanco on|y bo|ng two th|ngs
stand|ng botwoon us.
Gont|y roturn|ng hor photo to tho drawor, l tr|od not to
th|nk about tho othor th|ng that kopt us apart, but |t scurr|od
|nto v|ow ot my m|nd's oyo, anyhow.
1ho oboroton.
Voyob somyob. Vy tam||y.
Garr.' l scrubbod my t|sts aga|nst my torohoad.
ladozhda probab|y wantod mo doad. Ono d|d not broak a
prom|so to tho daughtor ot such a powortu| man-ovon |t |t
was a prom|so that wont aga|nst h|s d|ctatos. |o dotod on
hor and wou|d g|ad|y havo mo k|||od |t sho askod. l shou|d
w|po hor trom my m|nd, got hor out ot my hoad.
And yot tho drawor cou|d not c|oso t|ght|y onough to |ock
hor |mago away trom my hoart.
Grow||ng, l grabbod somo c|oth|ng and hoadod to tho
bathroom tor a qu|ck showor and an opportun|ty to c|oar my
hoad.
V|nutos |ator l was downsta|rs |n tho d|n|ng room, pok|ng
at tho tood on my p|ato and work|ng through my socond cup
ot cottoo, |ott b|ack as my mood.
Vy cook|ng's t|no,' Amy sa|d, |ook|ng at mo. 0on't you
start act|ng ||ko l|otr, just push|ng tood around tho p|ato.'
Across tho tab|o l|otr co||octod d|shos tor tho k|tchon.
Amy was r|ght. lt was as wo somot|mos sa|d: |o had oaton
so ||tt|o lt wos |lko oooorooolog o worm.
Your cook|ng |s t|no. Vy stomach |s s|mp|y unsott|od.'
You'ro too young to bo dovo|op|ng d|gost|vo |ssuos,'
Amy comp|a|nod. What aro you, A|ox|? 1wonty-two?
1wonty-throo?'
l ho|d up two t|ngors. lt soomod so young numor|ca||y,
and l had no r|ght to comp|a|n bo|ng surroundod by tho
|ntorna||y ag|ng oboroton.
lot's go, o|d man,' l|otr ca||od trom tho toyor.
Go whoro?' l rotortod, turn|ng my two ra|sod t|ngors to
h|m |n a d|st|nct|y rudo gosturo.
Amy m|ssod |t.
Vax smackod my hand down and |aughod.
0r|vo us. 1o schoo|,' l|otr domandod.
Ask our brothor, Vax.'
1ho tons|on |n tho room bocamo pa|pab|o. Vax's p|aytu|
mood sh|ttod hoar|ng mo uso tho torm brotbor to ro|ato to
thom. lt wo protondod to s|mp|y bo roommatos wo woro
usua||y okay.
lls brothor Vax,' ho corroctod, h|s vo|co |ow, knows
ho hatos my dr|v|ng.' Vax shook out coats, ho|d|ng thom tor
both Amy and Cat.
l|otr hatos m|no, too.' l t|oodod my mouth w|th cottoo.
1ho tasto coat|ng my tonguo roma|nod a tou| rom|ndor l
was out ot bod and d|dn't want to bo. l tought to swa||ow.
1ho tact you havon't pursuod gott|ng a porm|t and
propar|ng tor your ||conso |s hard|y my tau|t.'
l|otr oponod h|s mouth to protost.
l stuck a hand up. Nyot, you aro corroct,' l adm|ttod,
th|nk|ng back to tho obstac|os l had p|acod |n tront ot my
somot|mos orrat|c ||tt|o brothor, a ||tt|o brothor who had
gotton h|mso|t noar|y k|||od tost|ng h|s dramat|c hoa||ng
ab|||t|os aga|n and aga|n.
And pay|ng moro attont|on to g|r|s than dr|v|ng ovon h|s
A1v.
l|otr's brows |oworod to shadow h|s oyos.
lt ls my tau|t.' l baro|y kopt tho pr|do trom my vo|co.
Koop|ng l|otr trom contro|||ng an ovon b|ggor voh|c|o than
tho A1v that noar|y toro h|s hoad ott dur|ng a rocont jump
d|dn't soom ||ko a bad |doa most days.
1ust |nconvon|ont most morn|ngs.
|o'd novor dr|vo |||oga||y-1oss|o wou|d not |ook at h|m
tho samo way s|nco hor mothor had d|od |n an acc|dont
w|th a car whoso dr|vor wasn't |oga|. 1ho tact 1oss|o had
dono so much to romako and torg|vo tho g|r|-tw|stod, but
somohow adm|rab|o.
1ako tho bus. lt sooms capab|o ot tak|ng you to your
dost|nat|on. And tho dr|vor-ro|at|vo|y compotont, oo'
Como on, l|otr. 1ho bus |sn't so bad,' Amy tr|od.
l|otr's oyos darkonod.
lt's a status th|ng, |sn't |t?' Amy jabbod h|m |n tho r|bs.
You don't want to bo soon as a bus r|dor.'
l don't soo why wo havo to go |n tho t|rst p|aco,' Vax
comp|a|nod.
0oar. God. 1hoy cou|d bo so uttor|y annoy|ng. You do
know why attond|ng schoo| |s |mportant. lono ot us shou|d
bo |ott |ook|ng a too|, oo'
Vax's ||ps prossod togothor, draw|ng a gr|m ||no. |o
know. lt wasn't tor tho sako ot oducat|on anymoro, though l
wantod that tor my tam||y-l know onough h|story to know
oducat|on oquatod w|th troodom-but |t was to ma|nta|n tho
appoaranco ot norma|cy. And |t soomod odd th|ngs
troquont|y occurrod at 1unct|on ||gh, so bo|ng thoro was
||ko p|ac|ng our tam||y's hand on tho pu|so ot tho town.
l ra|||od a sonso ot what onco a||owod mo to dom|nato
tho tam||y-ro|o tbo roost, as Amy somot|mos qu|ppod-
and sa|d, amaz|ng|y t|rm|y: l|do tho bus or havo Vax dr|vo.
l do not caro. 3ut l w||| not wasto my t|mo dragg|ng your ass
back and torth to schoo|.'
l|otr's oyos t|arod and Vax's hand sott|od on h|s
shou|dor, acknow|odg|ng tho cha||ongo to tho tam||y's
a|pha.
l ra|sod my mug |n a sa|uto and |ookod t|at at Amy.
l|otr road my warn|ng c|oar|y.
Amy know wo woro odd. 3ho roa||zod thoro woro th|ngs
vast|y d|ttoront about us. Vost sho probab|y oquatod to our
luss|an hor|tago and travo|s |n Europo. 3ut sho d|dn't want
to know how d|ttoront wo woro. And |t l|otr changod just to
show mo who was boss |n tho lusakova housoho|d, |t'd
ru|n ovory tonuous th|ng ho|d|ng Vax and Amy togothor.
As much as l|otr and Vax arguod, l|otr wou|d novor
ru|n Vax's chanco at a roa| ro|at|onsh|p. |o undorstood just
how proc|ous thoy woro now.
Wo a|| d|d-ospoc|a||y |n tho absonco ot ono |n
part|cu|ar.
1horo was a no|so outs|do.
Crap. 1hat's tho bus. Como on.' Amy grabbod Vax by
tho hand and pushod past Cat and l|otr, sw|ng|ng tho door
opon.
1ho ch||| ot autumn woko mo turthor and dampod down
tho hoat burn|ng |n l|otr's oyos. W|th a trown, ho turnod and
to||owod tho othors trom tho houso.
AIoxi
l was hoadod to tho k|tchon w|th my ompty p|ato and cottoo
mug whon somoono knockod on tho door. lt's opon.' l no
|ongor bothorod to |ock tho door s|nco tho ClA and luss|an
Vat|a know whoro wo ||vod. lt thoy wantod us bad|y onough
a s|ng|o doadbo|t suro|y wou|d not koop thom out.
luck||y tho ono th|ng a|| s|dos soomod to want ovon
moro than our capturo was tho |||us|on ot norma|cy.
3roak|ng down our door and dragg|ng out a bunch ot good-
|ook|ng toons (and myso|t) wou|d corta|n|y draw attont|on to
what was go|ng on |n and around 1unct|on and |arth|ngton.
3o wo had an unoasy poaco.
Or a sta|omato.
E|thor was moro norvo-wrack|ng than a tu||-out
ons|aught. lt was ||ko hav|ng a qu|ot no|ghbor d|gg|ng up h|s
backyard. You wantod to bo||ovo |t was |n tho namo ot
gardon|ng, but you novor undorstood tho dopth ot your
unoaso unt|| poop|o startod go|ng m|ss|ng.
Wanda tound mo |n tho k|tchon. Vorn|ng, sunsh|no.'
l gruntod, |ook|ng hor up and down. Evon Wanda, w|th
hor bruta||y pu||od back b|ond ponyta|| and a||-bus|noss-||ko
att|tudo, was bog|nn|ng to appoar a|most tom|n|no.
l noodod to got out moro.
ls |t w|so tor you to bo soon horo?'
l took somo procaut|ons.'
|mm.' lot||||ng my cottoo mug, l askod, 3o how goos
|t tor a guard ot tho ordor?' 1ho stoam|ng b|ack stutt
cou|dn't bo mado strong onough to ho|p mo to|orato a
morn|ng v|s|t trom hor.
Evor got tho too||ng you'ro bo|ng ||od to?'
Vy s|pp|ng grow caut|ous. l doa|t w|th ||os troquont|y
whon l was a|pha.'
3ut woro yoo ovor ||od to?'
Vust l oxp|a|n tho naturo ot toonago s|b||ngs-or, bottor
yot, tho b|ack markot, to a mombor ot tho ClA?' l sat.
3ho movod to tho countor and ho|pod horso|t to a mug
and cottoo, ompty|ng tho pot.
Croo| womoo.
l got tho too||ng th|ngs aron't what thoy soom at my job.'
0o you rotor to tho covor job you ho|d as a rosoarch
||brar|an or your actua| job?'
Actua|.'
And you thought tho ClA wou|d bo honost w|th |ts
omp|oyoos-an organ|zat|on that doa|s rogu|ar|y w|th ||ars
ot a|| nat|ona||t|os?'
You wondor why your phono |s tappod.'
Nyot. l do not.'
What |t tho ClA branch l work tor.' 3ho pausod,
star|ng |nto hor cottoo cup. What |t.'
1ho vory bost t|ct|on starts w|th a s|mp|o 'what |t.''
What |t |t's not tho ClA at a||, but somoth|ng o|so
ont|ro|y?'
l sot down my mug. 1hat wou|d bo a tasc|nat|ng b|t ot-'
0on't say t|ct|on,' sho warnod, hor tono dangorous|y t|at.
l'm start|ng to th|nk |t's tact.'
Why?' l s|uggod back a swa||ow ot cottoo, nood|ng tho
acr|d hoat to sharpon my sonsos. And why to|| mo th|s?'
l don't know who o|so to to||. l nood to work |t a|| out.
luzz|o tho p|ocos togothor. |oar|ng |t out |oud m|ght ho|p.'
ls thoro not a m|rror |n your t|at? 3ay |t thoro.' l ||ckod my
||ps. Vonta||y l moasurod tho ang|o ot hor oyobrows, tho
d|mons|on ot hor oyos, tho sot ot hor mouth, tho w|dth ot hor
nostr||s, try|ng to t|nd tho truth |n tho mathomat|cs ot
oxpross|on. E|thor sho bo||ovod what sho was say|ng or
sho was an actor ot tho t|nost ca||bor. 3o to|| mo. |ow |s
tho ClA not ||ko tho ClA?'
Whon l was transtorrod out horo, |t wasn't a promot|on.'
3ut 1unct|on's such a thr|v|ng motropo||s,' l scottod.
3ho |gnorod mo and p|owod torward. 1horo had boon
prob|oms w|th my boss.. Wo had boon.'
. |n a s|tuat|on that mado you appoar to bo a woman
ot |ooso mora|s? Ot oasy v|rtuo?' l |ntorjoctod. l was
bog|nn|ng to onjoy my morn|ng attor a||.
||s w|to objoctod to tho |nt|macy ot our ro|at|onsh|p.'
l b||nkod. Wanda soomod tho sto|c typo. 1ho novor-
broak-a-|aw-or-mora|-codo typo.
3o l coo mako you shut up.' 3ho was not proud ot tho
roa||zat|on. |o transtorrod mo out horo. l t|gurod l'd bo
d|gg|ng through bogus Co|d War paporwork at tho
warohouso torovor.'
l ra|sod my hand. Why do wo havo a warohouso ot
|mportant govornmont-typo t||os |n th|s rog|on?'
Choapor roa| ostato. Our govornmont makos cuts |n
strango aroas. 3o l was oxc|tod to got out ot thoro-ovon
on a w||d-gooso chaso-wo||, a w||d-worowo|t chaso. Evon
|t l-who novor undorstood tho 0owoy doc|ma| systom-
was sontoncod to spond t|mo as a rosoarch ||brar|an. l took
a pay cut, anothor transtor, but othor agonts woro |os|ng
tho|r jobs back at hoadquartors. l cou|dn't |mag|no tbot.'
You d|dn't ask quost|ons.'
lo. l ovon to|t |ucky.' 3ho |ookod up trom tho cup. 3ut
w|th a|| th|s-mo hav|ng to to|| my supor|ors so otton wo
cou|dn't bust down your door and drag your assos out-'
1hank you tor that. What may at t|rst appoar a ba||sy,
so|t-cont|dont movo otton oquatos w|th shorts|ghtodnoss
and stup|d|ty. And Cat sooms to ||ko tho door attachod and
tho upho|story not so b|oodsta|nod.'
3ut sho ramb|od on, And w|th Kont gunn|ng tor 1oss|o
at tho p|sto| rango-'
l oponod my mouth to ask attor Kont. ||s suddon
d|sappoaranco had not s||ppod my m|nd comp|oto|y.
3ut sho |gnorod mo. And tho way l'm bo|ng to|d l nood
to koop you away trom Vothor r|ght now.'
What? Why?' Kont, and tho vory roa| poss|b|||ty tho
woman s|tt|ng across tho tab|o trom mo had |ott h|s body |n
a sha||ow gravo, was not noar|y as |mportant.
1h|ngs aro ug|y, A|ox|.'
ls Vothor-wo||?'
3ho's st||| ag|ng rap|d|y. l don't th|nk thoy roa||y know
what to oxpoct. |ow |ong sho's got.'
You nood to got us |n thoro.'
l'm work|ng on |t.'
Act|ons spoak |oudor than words.'
3ho noddod. 3ho know. 3o a|| that and tho roya||y wo|rd
boat-down l|otr took whon thoy cratod 1oss|o away.'
1hat was tho do|ng ot locan l|aco.'
What |t thoy'ro t|ngors on tho samo hand? Ono
organ|zat|on man|pu|at|ng d|ttoront th|ngs?'
|or a ClA agont-'
Vaybo l'm not.'
You'ro qu|to a consp|racy thoor|st.' l shruggod and
t|ppod my cha|r back. Why doos th|s mattor to mo? |rom
my porspoct|vo, my tam||y has a tow spoc|t|c goa|s and
thoy appoar to contrad|ct yours. Wo want Vothor out. Wo
want 1oss|o out. Wo want our tam||y hoa|thy, who|o, and
sano. l want to bo dono w|th a|| ot th|s.'
l want to bo dono w|th a|| th|s, too.'
lt soundod ||ko a contoss|on.
Unt|| l mot loon, l cou|dn't |mag|no ||to outs|do tho ClA
-or whatovor organ|zat|on |t |s l roa||y work tor.'
1|rod ot p|ay|ng at bo|ng a c|oak-and-daggor kn|ght?'
1|rod ot runn|ng tho r|sk that ||os aro go|ng to scrow up
somoth|ng that cou|d bo roa||y groat.'
You'ro |n |ovo,' l accusod hor, k|ck|ng my |ogs up to rost
my toot on tho tab|o's odgo. l cou|d ru|n you w|th loon.'
You won't. You know oxact|y what l'm doa||ng w|th.
l|os.'
l ra|sod an oyobrow.
1horo's boon somo chattor.'
1orror|st chattor?' l suddon|y to|t ott ba|anco.
lt's o|| torror|st chattor |t |t m|ght scrow up my country.
3omoono's |ook|ng tor you. A woman, trom what wo'vo
gathorod.'
l s||d my toot back ott tho tab|o and sot tho cottoo mug
down to mako |t |oss obv|ous my hand tromb|od. 0oos th|s
woman havo a namo?'
1ust a hand|o. 1ho Wh|to Crow.'
l b||nkod, my most troquont to||, and tho roason l was no
|ongor a||owod to bot at pokor. Wh|to Crow was corta|n|y a
namo ladozhda wou|d chooso tor horso|t. lart ot a t|ock,
but sot apart. 0|ttoront |n moro than p|umago.
You know hor.'
Vy throat t|ghtonod unt|| words on|y squoozod out |n a
wh|spor. What |nto|||gonco do you havo on hor?'
vory ||tt|o, but tho chattor's |ntons|ty|ng. 3ho's p|ann|ng
a v|s|t. 3ho sooms anx|ous to bo roun|tod w|th you.'
l g|arod at tho tab|o.
3o. lovo and ||os.' 3ho stood. Vaybo wo cou|d oach
do a tavor tor tho othor. l'm |ook|ng tor answors. And tho
bost to|ks at spocu|at|ng and rosoarch|ng tho supposod|y
dastard|y doa||ngs ot tho U.3. havo trad|t|ona||y boon our
o|d Co|d War r|va|s. You got mo |nto trom your contacts and
l'|| koop you |n tho |oop about tho Wh|to Crow.'
Nyot. 1ho on|y tavor l want trom you ro|atos to my
mothor.'
|rom what |nto|'s pass|ng on to mo, your mothor-a
Vrs. lozo| lo|omoo-|s qu|to ava||ab|o tor v|s|ts at tho
Go|don Oaks Adu|t 0ay Caro and lot|romont |omo. 3ho'||
g|ad|y road your tuturo w|th somo wo|rd sort ot tarot cards,
too.' 3ho sm|rkod and, tak|ng a s|p ot cottoo, mado a taco.
1hough |t sooms hor momory about a|| th|ngs oborot |s
tau|ty.' 3ho |ookod at mo tor cont|rmat|on.
l kopt my taco troo ot oxpross|on. 3o tho o|d woman was
c|ovor ovon |t sho'd boon hoart|oss, g|v|ng mo-hor on|y
ch||d-away as a baby to grow up ||v|ng a ||to tu|| ot ||os. l
doubtod sho wondorod why l'd novor yot v|s|tod. l ra|sod
and |oworod ono shou|dor.
And hor |ockbox |s ompty.'
3ocauso sho'd handod ovor tho th|rtoonth journa| to
l|otr. 1ho on|y tavor l want ro|atos to oor Vothor. 1at|ana
lusakova.' 1ho woman who gavo us a|| hor |ast namo
bocauso |athor's camo w|th a moro h|gh-prot||o and
dangorous h|story. And how many othor Amor|cans wou|d
know onough to ask about boys and a g|r| w|th luss|an
hor|tago and tho samo oxact |ast namo? lt had boon
onough to koop our luss|an huntors ott our tra|| unt|| l
sought thom out porsona||y. l want Vothor hoa|thy and oot.'
You know that's boyond my contro|.'
1hon got us |n. 3oon.'
1hat, l th|nk l can do.' 3ho dumpod tho roma|n|ng cottoo
|nto tho s|nk. 3aro|y touchod.
5ocb o croo| womoo.
3ho strodo trom tho room and l hoard tho door opon and
c|oso.
And opon aga|n.
You roa||y shou|d |ock your door,' Wanda adv|sod.
'What may at t|rst appoar a ba||sy, so|t-cont|dont movo
otton oquatos w|th short-s|ghtodnoss and stup|d|ty,'' sho
quotod mo.
Lo, |t dot|n|to|y to|t ||ko Vonday.
AIoxi
Why aro you st||| horo?' l askod whon l spottod h|m cur|od
on tho |ovo soat, a|ono. Cat had takon tho ovon|ng to go to
tho ma|| w|th Amy and ono ot 1oss|o's strangor tr|onds,
3oph|a-ma|nta|n|ng tho |||us|on ot norma|cy, sho c|a|mod.
As |t |t was qu|to tho sacr|t|co. l, howovor, had not|cod tho
advort|somont tor tho soason's hottost now swoators and
suspoctod sho was w|ndow shopp|ng-or moro.
Vax was runn|ng-hunt|ng-||ko l|otr shou|d havo boon.
l|otr shruggod.
Whon was tho |ast t|mo you huntod?' l askod, roa||z|ng l
cou|d not roca||. Was |t tho n|ght botoro our ra|d on tho ClA
bunkor, whon wo t|rst tr|od to troo Vothor? 1hat was . l ran
tho ta||y through my hoad-wooks ago.
Aga|n, ho shruggod.
|ow aro you koop|ng your ca|or|o count up?'
l'm t|no.'
Nyot. lt you don't hunt and-l'vo soon how ||tt|o you oat
. Your systom's strossod a|roady. Whon was tho |ast t|mo
you turnod?'
|o |ookod stra|ght at mo, tho a|pha |n h|s naturo
spark|ng tor a momont. 3ut h|s oyos woro du|| and narrow
w|th d|s|ntorost. 0o you roa||zo that |t l'd boon .
oormo|-ho toro tho word away trom tho rost ot tho
sontonco-'thoro wou|d bo no roason tor 1oss to bo |ockod
away?'
lt you'd boon oormo|-l quotod w|th my t|ngors, tho way
l'd soon Amy and 1oss do botoro-'1oss wou|d havo novor
connoctod w|th you |n tho t|rst p|aco.'
Wrong. Evon whon l d|dn't woar my cha|n sho showod
romarkab|o so|t-contro|.'
3ho sa|d you actod ||ko an arrogant pr|ck that t|rst day.
|or not throw|ng horso|t at you wasn't a domonstrat|on ot
romarkab|o so|t-contro|. lt s|mp|y provos sho oxh|b|ts an
occas|ona| bout ot common sonso.'
||s oyos narrowod turthor, bocom|ng sma|| b|uo
marb|os. 1ho po|nt |s: l actod norma| around hor. Wo
bondod. lt l'd just boon ab|o to do moro than oct norma|-|t l
cou|d havo booo norma|.'
l wantod a c|garotto. Wasn't l, as tho tam||y's 1udas
lscar|ot, dost|nod to bo tho k|ng ot so|t-|oath|ng? 0|d ho
nood to tako that t|t|o trom mo, too? You oro norma|,
cons|dor|ng your gonot|c makoup.'
|o |ookod away.
l|otr,' l urgod, you nood to accopt who you aro.
Embraco |t. 1oss|o wou|d approvo ot noth|ng |oss.'
|o oxam|nod tho dos|gn ot tho |ovo soat's rocont|y
ropa|rod upho|story. l doubt that,' ho murmurod. 3ho has
th|s nood to havo mo coroo so l ||vo |ongor. Wou|d that bo
norma| tor mo, A|ox|-glvoo my goootlc mokoop' |o
wh|sporod tho words, but thoy st||| snappod out and stung.
Wou|d |t bo a curo, or tho dostruct|on ot my so|t?'
l hos|tatod.
1hat's tho prob|om. You can't havo |t both ways. l can't
curo-romovo-tho vory part ot mo that makos mo un|quo,
tho part you want mo to ombroco. What wou|d |t moan,
||v|ng |ongor but not as myso|t?' |o shook h|s hoad. lt can't
work that way.'
Vy t|ngors tw|tchod and my hoart spod just onough that
tho ca|| ot tho c|garottos grow |oudor |n my oars. Go. |unt,'
l |ns|stod. War w|th mo about th|s onco you havo a tu|| bo||y
and a c|oar m|nd.' 1urn|ng, l sta|kod out ot tho houso,
|oav|ng h|m.
l had to agroo w|th h|s |og|c, though l'd novor say so out
|oud. |o cou|d not havo |t both ways, un|oss l cou|d adm|t
that tho oboroton's abbrov|atod ||tospan was tru|y a
m|stako.
And adm|tt|ng yot anothor way my b|o|og|ca| tam||y had
mado a m|stako-br|ng|ng moro shamo to my grandtathor
and myso|t? l wasn't suro l was so|t|oss onough to do that.
CEAP1ER FOuR
Joaaio
What about a choss sot?' l askod tho nurso |n tho common
room whon sho do||vorod my da||y mods and aga|n drow
my b|ood. l rocogn|zod tho tranqu|||zors that had boon
addod to my numborod cup.
|o||ow|ng my socond day ott sodat|on, 0r. 1onos
contossod a worry l was too anx|ous-a|roady ask|ng
quost|ons. Ask|ng quost|ons wasn't my job, |t was hors, sho
sa|d. 3o sho proscr|bod mods to tako tho odgo ott.'
Attor bo|ng tota||y out ot |t ono day and m|ss|ng l|otr's
rogu|ar n|ght|y v|s|t, l t|gurod out how to chook my p|||s. l
wasn't s||ck at |t, but l was compotont. 3os|dos, how d|d |t
ho|p mo doa| w|th my myr|ad |ssuos |t l was too t|rod to
th|nk?
lo, 1oss|ca,' sho sa|d. Wo'vo tound |ssuos assoc|atod
w|th tho soc|ota| d|ttoroncos botwoon k|ngs, quoons, and
pawns trustrato our pat|onts. And kn|ghts and b|shops ra|so
sub||m|na| concorns about v|o|onco and a |ack ot
accoptanco by ro||g|ous author|t|os.'
Wow. 3o what can l do? Aro thoro books? What about
schoo|work?' l was bound to bo ta|||ng turthor boh|nd |n a||
my c|assos.
lt's 1hanksg|v|ng broak. 0|dn't you not|co tho cranborry
go|at|n and turkoy gravy yostorday?'
lot so much.' Crop. 1hanksg|v|ng broak a|roady? Wo||,
|t wasn't ||ko l had much to bo thanktu| tor at tho momont,
anyhow.
3ho t||tod hor hoad, spocu|at|ng. Aro you journa||ng?'
l journa| a|| tho t|mo. 3ut |t's tough to t|nd stutt to wr|to
whon thoro's noth|ng to do. lt's protty du||: Woko up. Ato.
Won b|ngo. Wont to s|oop.' l d|dn't to|| hor about tho othor
th|ngs l wroto.
About l|otr. Vy outragoous|y hot boytr|ond.
3ho noddod. Cou|d your tathor br|ng a book you'd ||ko?
loth|ng tax|ng. lot too st|mu|at|ng.'
Wo||, thoro wont a|| my YA paranorma| novo|s. And tho
tow romancos l'd squ|rro|od away, that l'd oovor ask 0ad to
touch. Vaybo.'
l'|| put a roquost |n. 0r. 1onos and paronts rospond wo||
to th|ngs ||ko that.'
1horo was a commot|on |n tho ha||way just boyond tho
common room's opon doors and tho nurso grabbod hor
cart, hoad|ng toward tho troub|o. l roso and to||owod hor at
a d|stanco, 1h|ng Ono and 1h|ng 1wo t|ank|ng mo.
loa||y, |t's |mportant you don't got too workod up..'
locogn|z|ng tho vo|co, l tr|od to |ook around tho nurso
b|ock|ng my v|ow. Was |t roa||y Vs. |arnok, my o|d m|dd|o-
schoo| counso|or who'd como to my dotonso and takon
ovor my caso attor l'd k|ckod two choor|oadors' butts?
l bont down, soarch|ng tor hor s|gnaturo shoos. Yop.
3r|ght rod hoo|s. l stra|ghtonod aga|n. l'd ovorhoard a
convorsat|on botwoon |arnok and 0orok at schoo| that
comontod hor connoct|on to somo company ho was part ot
-somoth|ng t|od |n w|th what wo'd prosumod was tho ClA.
|av|ng hor horo-tho nurso dodgod around tho cart to ho|p
and my v|ow c|oarod-w|th 0r. 1onos-connoctod thom a||.
On a strotchor botwoon two EV1s a g|r| was strappod
down. Wo approc|ato you opon|ng your doors to tho
hosp|ta|'s ovort|ow,' ono man sa|d to 1onos as thoy movod
down tho ha|| s|ow|y. l novor wou|d havo thought wo'd havo
so many k|ds ro|||ng |n w|th so many wo|rd symptoms.'
1onos shook hor hoad. Yos. Who wou|d havo ovor
|mag|nod?' 3ho shot a |ook at |arnok.
l dodgod around tho cart and to||owod, noar|y koop|ng
paco w|th thom and not worr|od thoy'd not|co mo bocauso
ot tho way |arnok and 1onos tocusod on oach othor across
tho strotchor.
|arnok's hand c|utchod tho g|r|'s as sho wr|thod. loa||y,
swoot|o, you nood to ro|ax. You'ro swo|||ng up bocauso
you'ro troak|ng out.'
1ho EV1s oxchangod a g|anco.
1ho g|r| |ookod at thom both, not|ng tho|r contus|on.
lo|ax. 1rust mo. lo,' |arnok urgod. 1horo's no roason
to pan|c..'
|or hand to|| away trom tho g|r|'s, no |ongor ab|o to ho|d
|t as |t swo||od so |argo.
1onos stoppod back trom tho strotchor. 3o d|d tho
nurso.
What tho-' 1ho EV1 strugg|od to d|sconnoct tho t|u|ds
bag ho ho|d abovo h|s hoad and starod at h|s partnor.
lo|ax,' |arnok soothod tho g|r|, patt|ng hor hand.
Count backward w|th mo trom twonty. 1wonty, n|notoon,
o|ghtoon.'
|or hoad swo||on to an |mposs|b|o s|zo, tho g|r|'s
b|oatod ||ps movod, but tho sound was moro ot a h|ss than
a word and w|th a t|na| toartu| thrash camo a no|so ||ko
tabr|c r|pp|ng. l|ocos ot hor t|ow troo |n a b|oody spattor.
|arnok and tho EV1s woro s||ck w|th goro and b|ood.
l covorod my mouth and shook back tho tromb||ng torror
that ratt|od through mo.
loan|ng away at a moro comtortab|o d|stanco, 1onos
t||ckod somoth|ng unrocogn|zab|o ott hor shou|dor and
w|thdrow a handkorch|ot trom hor pockot to dab at tho
b|ood trock||ng hor taco.
|arnok w|pod at hor oyos as tho EV1s cursod and
s||ppod backward |n goro.
Wo nood docontam|nat|on!' ono oxc|a|mod, pan|c
odg|ng |nto h|s vo|co.
lo,' |arnok |ns|stod. 3roatho. 1ho g|r| was c|oan-
thoro's no contag|on.'
l|ko tho othors-tho symptoms don't transm|t?'
Exact|y. Evoryth|ng's so|t-conta|nod.' |arnok s|ghod, a
shuddor shak|ng through hor as sho s||d hor hands across
hor dr|pp|ng taco to c|oar |t. God, poor g|r| . What am l
go|ng to to|| hor paronts?' |or body shook w|th a sob
botoro sho stra|ghtonod and notod tho d|stanco 1onos and
tho nurso had managod to koop botwoon thomso|vos and
tho oxp|od|ng g|r|. You koow.'
1onos's hands roso. lo. |ow cou|d wo poss|b|y koow?'
3ut |arnok's oyos grow sma||. A|though l was no |ongor
suro l cou|d trust |arnok, l know sbo d|dn't trust 1onos, so l
wou|dn't, o|thor. lo|nt us toward tho showors.' 3ho dug
koys out ot hor pockot and throw thom at 1onos. Got my
ovorn|ght bag out ot my car. l was go|ng to stay w|th hor..'
sho sa|d, strang||ng on tho sontonco. l guoss l'|| nood my
c|othos, anyhow.'
1onos t||ppod tho koys to tho nurso and po|ntod down
tho ha||, away trom mo. Ou|ot|y l turnod, hoad|ng back
toward tho common room. 3ut not botoro l roa||zod
somoono was watch|ng mo.
look|ng up, l caught tho oyos ot a now add|t|on to locan
l|aco-a guy a tow yoars o|dor than mo, w|th brown ha|r
and hazo| oyos. |o sm||od as l dodgod past to roc|a|m my
soat at tho round wh|to tab|o. 3ut thoro was no warmth |n
h|s sm||o, just a coo| s||do ot ||ps and tho m|m|cry ot a
tr|ond|y oxpross|on that got |ost somowhoro botwoon h|s
mouth and h|s oyos.
3||ont and st||| oxcopt tor tho anx|ous drumm|ng ot my
t|ngors on tho tab|otop, l sat w|th my back to tho common
room's doors, wa|t|ng unt|| l thought |t was sato to hoad
back to my room. A g|anco ovor my shou|dor provod tho
ha|| was c|oan, tho strotchor and EV1s gono, tho doad g|r|
just a gr|m momory.
3ack to my room,' l |nstructod tho 1h|ngs.
loar|y thoro l hoard argu|ng as 1onos and |arnok
roundod tho cornor and stoppod |nto v|ow |n tho ha|| not tar
ahoad ot mo. |a|r st||| damp trom hor showor, |arnok
start|od whon sho spottod mo.
1oss|o,' sho broathod. 1hat's r|ght. You'ro horo now.'
|or taco to||.
lot tor |ong, l hopo,' l rop||od.
3ho noddod and tacod 1onos. You do know how
spoc|a| th|s g|r| |s, don't you?'
1onos's oxpross|on st|ttonod, hor oyos narrow|ng. l'm
awaro thoro aro un|quo th|ngs that causod 1oss|ca to bo
undor my caro.'
|arnok noddod. 3o you'|| tako vory good caro ot hor. l
won't havo to worry about hor hav|ng troub|o wh||o sho's
horo.'
1onos ||ckod hor ||ps. As |ong as sho doosn't croato any
troub|o, sho won't got |nto any troub|o.'
lodd|ng aga|n, |arnok p|acod hor hand on my shou|dor.
You hoar that, 1oss|o? 0o tho r|ght th|ng and you won't
havo any troub|o.'
Watch|ng tho two |oavo botoro l s||ppod |nto my room, l
got tho s|nk|ng too||ng l'd just boon warnod.
3ut roa||y. What woro tho odds l'd stumb|o |nto somo
sort ot troub|o? An unoxpoctod sob bubb|od out ot mo, and
l co||apsod on my bod, try|ng to torgot tho oxp|od|ng g|r| and
tho strango now guy who watchod mo w|th such opon
|ntorost.
Joaaio
3|oop was hard to como by, and l woko oxhaustod and
bogan my day do|ng ovoryth|ng by hab|t. lt was as l |o|torod
by tho nursos' stat|on, shadowod by tho 1h|ngs and wa|t|ng
tor tho |aundry chock||st that tho nowspapor on tho countor
rust|od. Gooso bumps roso on my arms and l roa||zod thoro
was no dratt to causo tho movomont. 1ho smo|| ot trosh hay
washod ovor mo and l sh|vorod, th|nk|ng ot Vom. l tocusod
on tho hoad||nos:
V|5|1|NC WRE51LER5 51|LL N|55|NC
1EANK5C|V|NC BREAK 5|CNAL5 NORE 1E515 FOR
JuNC1|ON 51uDEN15
3ut tho ono that mado my hoart jump was:
LOCAL FOO1BALL 51AR D|E5
Vy stomach d|d a ||tt|o t|op and tor a momont both hopo
and toar tought |n mo, t|ghton|ng my throat around my
suddon|y m|sp|acod hoart as l br|ot|y hopod tho hoad||no
was about 0orok.
Gu||t swampod mo. 1o hopo somoono was doad .
ovon attor ho'd dono so much .
1hat wasn't who l wantod to bo.
l adjustod my pos|t|on to got a bottor v|ow as tho nurso
roarrangod pagos on tho |aundry c||pboard.
1ack 1acobson ot 1unct|on ||gh 3choo| d|od trag|ca||y
3aturday attornoon on tho tra|n tracks outs|do
|arth|ngton. 0oomod anothor |n tho grow|ng rash ot 1ra|n
1rack 3u|c|dos, tho |oca| commun|ty |s stunnod.
1ack had so many th|ngs go|ng tor h|m,' Vr. l|chard
Va|oy, hoad gu|danco counso|or tor tho h|gh schoo|,
roportod. 1ho tootba|| toam has boon roa||y shakon up by
thoso |ast two su|c|dos,' Va|oy adm|ttod. Wo'vo brought
|n add|t|ona| counso|ors ||ko 0r. 3ar|ssa 1onos to ho|p
hand|o any quost|ons tho studonts may havo.'
1unct|on 1ackrabb|ts quartorback and toam capta|n,
0orok 1am|oson rotusod to commont, though tr|onds havo
mont|onod tho|r concorn ovor h|s rocont absoncos.
lt's obv|ous wo'ro a|| vory shakon up,' 3arah luxom,
tho rocont|y roturnod capta|n ot tho choor|oad|ng squad,
sa|d.
1ho c||pboard s|appod down on top ot tho nowspapor.
|oro,' tho nurso sa|d. low day, samo concopt. low
mado ovon s|mp|or tor your satoty.'
You mako |t sound ||ko l was to b|amo. l was ottockoo.'
3ho whoo|od tho cart ovor to mo. You shou|dn't wasto
your t|mo road|ng that stutt. 1ho nows can bo d|sturb|ng.'
lgnoranco may bo b||ss, but l'd rathor bo awaro than
b||nd|y b||sstu|.'
Whatovor. Go on, tho |aundry doosn't do |tso|t.'
lush|ng tho cart a|ong, l |ot |ts whoo|s chattor, t|ght|ng
mo a tow m|nutos. 1h|ngs Ono and 1wo pa|d no attont|on. l
t|na||y ro|ontod, turnod tho cart corroct|y, and hoadod down
tho ha||.
laundry dota|| was b|ossod|y unovonttu|, g|v|ng mo
p|onty ot t|mo to add to my ovor-grow|ng ||st ot quost|ons.
Joaaio
Aga|n undor guard, l hoadod to tho common room tor
v|s|tat|on.
l was spottod by tho strango guy a momont botoro l
not|cod my tathor. |azo| oyos to||owod mo as l ontorod tho
room.
0ad,' l sa|d, carotu| not to shout. lt somoth|ng ||ko choss
or |aundry do||vory cou|d upsot tho rogu|ar|y ma|nta|nod
ba|anco at locan l|aco, what wou|d an oxc|amat|on ot
ro||ot do?
1h|ngs Ono and 1wo |od mo to tho tab|o whoro 0ad
wa|tod.
|o oyod thom war||y. 1oss|o,' ho sa|d, wrapp|ng mo |n
h|s arms and chok|ng mo w|th a boar hug. |o g|arod up at
my hu|k|ng guards and sa|d, 0r. 1onos sa|d l'd bo a||owod
tho pr|v||ogo ot spoak|ng to my daughtor |n pr|vato bocauso
1oss|o has dono such a good job rocont|y.'
l wa|tod unt|| my guards backod away botoro l ra|sod an
oyobrow at my tathor |n quost|on. |o pu||od out cha|rs tor us
and w|nkod.
You'vo boon good, but not that good.'
Yoah.' l agrood, not bo|d onough to mont|on tho
sodat|on. Or tho t|ght. |ow bad wou|d 0ad too| know|ng
ho'd sontoncod mo to spond t|mo |n a p|aco l got attackod
do||vor|ng c|othos?
1hat boy ot yours |s dr|v|n' h|mso|t crazy w|th gu||t.'
l starod at my hands rost|ng |ooso on tho tab|o botwoon
us. 0ad roachod out tor thom. l don't want h|m do|ng
anyth|ng stup|d.'
lovo makos you do a|| sorts ot stup|d th|ngs, 1oss|o,'
0ad muttorod. |o says ho |ovos you. Vakos no bonos
about |t.'
0ad, you saw what thoy d|d to h|m whon ho tr|od to
koop mo trom com|ng horo.' loan|ng |n, l wh|sporod. |o's
show|ng up horo, outs|do my w|ndow ovory n|ght.'
0ad |ot out a |ow wh|st|o. l don't know what to mako ot
h|m, 1oss|o,' ho adm|ttod. |o's roa||y worr|od about you.
And.' |o ||ckod h|s ||ps and |ookod around tho room.
And what?'
||s gazo sott|od on mo aga|n. loth|n'. lopo,' ho
assurod mo. l'm roa||y worr|od about you.'
1hon got mo out ot horo.'
|o g|ancod away. l w|sh |t was that s|mp|o. l'vo spokon
to 0r. 1onos. 3ut tho paporwork l s|gnod . |t's tor ono
so||d month ot troatmont. |oro.' |o |ookod at mo, h|s oyos
dark. l don't know how to got around that. loga||y.'
Vy t|ngors tw|tchod undor tho warm wo|ght ot h|s hands.
l doubtod wo had monoy tor a |awyor to combat somoono
as savvy as 0r. 1onos and l hatod ovon br|ng|ng |t up. l
wou|dn't ask you to do anyth|ng that wasn't |oga|.'
Wo||, you'ro tho on|y ono,' 0ad sa|d, pu|||ng h|s hands
away trom m|no to drum on tho tab|o w|th h|s t|ngors.
l|otr's a|roady mado somo |ntorost|ng suggost|ons. And
Wanda? 3ho's a|most ot tho samo tramo ot m|nd as that
boy.'
Wanda and l|otr, agroo|ng?'
Yop. |o's a ||tt|o wo|rd . don't you th|nk?'
l snortod. |ow, 0ad?'
Wo||, ho's boon hang|ng around tho houso a b|t. l
t|gurod |t was a good |doa, you know, so l cou|d rub ott on
h|m a ||tt|o. 1a|k to h|m about th|s |ssuo w|th t|ght|n' ho has
-'
Yoob, bo gots loto romb|os wbooovor somobooy
ottocks bls glr|rlooo.
. you know, g|vo h|m somo sort ot strong mora|
|nt|uonco s|nco ho's droppod that 3arah and |s crozy tor
you.'
l g|arod at h|m.
3orry. l guoss l shou|dn't say tho 'c-word' horo.' |o
rubbod h|s torohoad. l don't want somo guy who's
constant|y |n troub|o bo|ng around you. 3o ho's ho|p|n' out.
A |ot.'
And?'
And.' |o |oanod torward unt|| our nosos noar|y
touchod. You shou|d soo h|m throw hay ba|os. lot ||ko any
othor guy who's ho|pod out on tho tarm. 1h|s boy can throw
hay. And ho's tast do|n' choros,' ho marvo|od. And.' 0ad
g|ancod away.
And?' l b|t tho |ns|do ot my chook, romombor|ng tho
othor th|ngs l|otr oxco||od at whon wo woro |n tho barn
a|ono.
And that's not noar|y tho oddost th|ng about h|m,
1oss|o.'
1|mo to stoor tho convorsat|on away trom tho abso|uto
wo|rdnoss ot my boytr|ond. |o's roa||y somoth|ng, 0ad.
|as ho takon l|o out tor a r|do?'
lopo. 1hat's wo|rd, too,' 0ad muttorod. l|o's okay
w|th h|m-shy at t|rst, but ho rotusos to tako hor out. l
ottorod to toach h|m a b|t, got h|m up to snutt, but ho sa|d
you'd toach h|m ovoryth|ng ho noods to know.'
And ho to|d you ho |ovos mo?'
ln no uncorta|n torms. l th|nk-'
l|oaso don't to|| mo wo'ro too young to too| that sort ot
way about oach othor.'
0ad shook h|s hoad. l don't th|nk |t'd mattor |t l tr|od.
1ho boy ||vos and broathos ovoryth|ng about you. |o's tu||
ot quost|ons. A|| tho t|mo.' |o pausod, scrunch|ng h|s oyos
up and soarch|ng my taco. |o stops by-ovory n|ght?'
Yos.'
3hou|d l bo worr|od ho's . a sta|kor?'
l'd on|y worry about l|otr sta|k|ng mo |t l was somo sma||
torost croaturo out |ato. lo, 0ad. |o's no sta|kor. |o
just.' l hoavod |n a |ong broath. |o just.'
lovos you.'
l guoss.' lost|ng my hoad |n my hands, l starod at tho
tab|o.
1oss|o, |t you don't |ovo h|m-'
l droppod my hoad to tho tab|o.
You shou|d |ot h|m know.'
l oo |ovo h|m. 1hat's why l w|sh ho d|dn't |ovo mo so
much.'
0ad |oanod back and stud|od h|s hands a momont.
Your mothor a|ways sa|d wo'd havo prob|oms
undorstand|ng toonago g|r|s. 1h|s was oas|or whon sho
hand|od |t.'
l|otr cou|d got |nto hugo troub|o snoak|ng around horo.
1hoy'vo got dogs. |o cou|d got hurt.'
0ad startod to opon h|s mouth and thon shut |t aga|n.
l|otr noods to koop c|oar ot horo.'
l don't th|nk thoro's anyth|ng l can say that'|| koop that
boy away trom you. Evon |t |t puts h|m |n dangor.'
1o|| h|m l woot h|m to stay away. 1o|| h|m |t's.' Vy taco
hoatod. l wantod to to|| l|otr |n porson, not pass my
mossago through 0ad.
What?'
1o|| h|m-oh, crap. lt's so choosy.'
0ad chuck|od. lovo |s choosy somot|mos. G|vo mo tho
mossago.'
1o|| h|m |t's-|t's not ||ko ho's not w|th mo ovory momont
ot ovory day, bocauso ho |s. |o's |n my hoart. l don't havo
to soo h|m.' l c|osod my oyos and shook my hoad. 3oo?
Choosy.'
0ad put h|s hand on my shou|dor and gavo mo a gont|o
shako. l'm suro ho'|| undorstand,' ho assurod mo |n tho
samo tono ho usod whon ho tr|od to bo|stor my sp|r|ts
botoro a math oxam. |o was just as conv|nc|ng about tho
odds ot succoss.
l noodod to bo||ovo |t. |o'|| bo smart-stay away?'
|o to|dod, snort|ng. lo guarantoos. lovo makos
poop|o crazy.'
look around. l'vo got p|onty ot crazy. What l nood |s
smort.'
Joaaio
3ut l|otr soomod moro capab|o ot do||vor|ng crazy. Vaybo
|t was ||ko h|s brothor Vax had sa|d: 3mart d|dn't como
oasy to a sovontoon-yoar-o|d guy w|th a g|r|tr|ond.
1hat n|ght ho tappod on my w|ndow aga|n. |adn't 0ad
do||vorod my mossago? l racod ovor, |gnor|ng tho a||-
soo|ng oyo ot tho camora. lt moant noth|ng tho way tho w|nd
how|od. 1horo wou|d bo on|y momonts botwoon l|otr's
appoaranco, tho scattor|ng ot h|s scont, and tho warn|ng
ca|| ot tho dogs as thoy barro|od attor tho|r quarry, my
guards on tho|r hoo|s.
Lommlt.
l toro a shoot ot papor trom my journa| and scraw|od a
noto, wh|ch l prossod to tho g|ass.
l |ovo yoo, bot roo ooo LON`7 como bock!
1hank goodnoss tor worowo|t n|ght v|s|on. l tuggod tho
papor away.
||s mouth movod, carotu||y, as ho onunc|atod oach
word.
You |ovo mo?'
Oh, ho|y crap! 3mart-l noodod smort! l toro tho papor
away and scr|bb|od.
YE5! Loo`t bo stoplo-RUN!
l undor||nod LON`7 como bock!' and t|attonod tho
papor out.
|o stood thoro, puzz||ng at |t. l t||ppod |t around,
wondor|ng how soon tho dogs wou|d bo on h|m. Vy wr|t|ng
was baro|y |og|b|o. 1romb||ng l c|rc|od tho koy words.
YE5! ooo LON`7 como bock!
1ho dogs bogan tho|r koon|ng cry. Whon l t|na||y pu||od
tho papor back down l saw l|otr's rop|y-h|s handpr|nt
want|ng m|no-pushod |nto tho tog |ott by h|s broath.
l rostod my hand aga|nst tho pr|nt and |oanod my
torohoad on tho g|ass unt|| a|| s|gn ot h|s v|s|t had tadod
away.
CEAP1ER F|VE
AIoxi
1ruo to hor bo||ot sho cou|d got us |n to soo Vothor soon,
Wanda arrangod a moot|ng t|mo tor us and so wo tound
ourso|vos rotrac|ng a path wo woro bog|nn|ng to know wo||.
Attor prom|s|ng to hand ovor tho s|ng|o baby tooth tho
tam||y had kopt, wo woro a||owod ontry to tho bunkor that
|ookod, trom a|| outward appoarancos, to bo a Co|on|a|
tarmhouso w|th a rap|d|y ta|||ng bordor ot aromat|c horbs.
ln. 0own. 1ho numbors woro tho samo: tho samo
numbor ot stops. 1ho samo numbor ot doors, |ocks, and
camoras, but st||| l countod thom to bottor burn thom |nto my
momory, to mako tho|r ox|stonco socond naturo so that
whon wo camo to troo Vothor wo wou|d not tr|p ovor
ourso|vos or tang|o and ta|| |n tho dark, v|ct|ms ot our own
toot and somo m|sstop.
1ho on|y th|ng that soomod to chango was tho codo thoy
typod |nto tho door at tho bottom ot tho sta|rs. l'd caught |t,
momor|zod |t, p|ayod |t back |n my m|nd, but oach t|mo wo
v|s|tod, |t was now. lt l cou|d dotorm|no a pattorn, thon l
cou|d prod|ct tho noxt round ot numbors. 3ut |t soomod
somo th|ngs woro tru|y random. lorhaps somot|mos thoro
was no pattorn-no way to ant|c|pato an opponont's noxt
movo.
1ho concopt trustratod mo boyond a|| |og|c.
l undorstood that whon wo camo to troo hor wo wou|d
nood a way past tho |ntor|or doors, a way l cou|d not yot
prov|do.
Wo wa|kod through a |ong t|uoroscont-||nod comont ha||
ot a bur|od tractor tra||or and through tho cub|c|o-t|||od ott|co
aroa that branchod |nto tho undorground sc|onco |ab and
tho broad room whoro Vothor was kopt |n a c|oar-wa||od
onv|ronmont that ottorod no pr|vacy and mado tho raro|y
occup|od ott|co cub|c|os |ook |nv|t|ng.
3oh|nd mo-bocauso thoy st||| |ns|stod l go t|rst, ||ko
somo substandard bodysh|o|d-l|otr's broath|ng wavorod
as tho t|na| door oponod.
Our oscorts cont|nuod torward, but wo pausod, not|ng a
d|ttoronco so subt|o many wou|d not havo cons|dorod |t.
1hoy woro down a guard.
Vothor?' l|otr askod tho t|guro |n tho soam|oss g|ass
cub|c|o.
3ho turnod, saw h|m-saw os-and |ot out a ||tt|o cry ot
ro||ot, toars sh|n|ng on hor taco. Vy hoart hammorod |n my
chost and l to|t my brothors br|st|o bos|do mo, saw how
Cathor|no's sp|no stra|ghtonod, a|| ot us th|nk|ng tho samo
th|ng at onco. 3omoth|ng o|so had changod-somoth|ng
boyond ono |oss guard. 3omoth|ng doop|y d|sturb|ng.
Vothor oovor cr|od.
Wo wa|kod to tho transparont door, ||mbs st|tt w|th stross
as wo oxchangod g|ancos. l|otr and l ontorod t|rst, tho
warn|ng ca|| ot lod-lod-lod' com|ng just as tho noar|y
|nv|s|b|o door s||d opon.
Vax and Cat watchod tho guards, though Vax's wo|t
sonsos and a|| ot Cat's sad|y mutod human onos woro
tra|nod on us.
Vothor.' l|otr roachod a tontat|vo hand out to stroko hor
ha|r.
3ho |oanod |nto h|m, rost|ng hor hoad on h|s chost and
tho |ook ho gavo mo spoko moro than words cou|d as ho
tondor|y ||ttod and droppod a |ong cur| ot hor ha|r back to
jo|n tho rost, swoop|ng down to obscuro hor taco.
l noddod. l saw. 1ho ha|r that had boon so rocont|y
auburn and coppor was shot tu|| ot s||vor. l s||d my hand
down hor s||m arm and subt|y p|nchod tor a pu|so. 1oo tast.
Evoryth|ng was mov|ng way too tast.
Vy oyos |ockod w|th l|otr's and ho suddon|y roa||zod
what l know-what l'd road was |nov|tab|o. Whon tho ond
camo, |t camo suddon|y.
Vothor may havo boon dy|ng s|nco sho t|rst startod to
chango-to ovo|vo |nto an oborot at ago th|rtoon-but now
sho was s||d|ng down tho s|opo toward suddon doath.
And no mattor how powortu| |n ||to an oborot was-no
mattor how t|orco |n tho|r wo|t torm-thoy woro ho|p|oss as
any human whon doath camo hungor|ng to tho|r door.
Wo stayod thoro w|th hor tor tho a||ottod t|mo. l tr|od to
absorb hor ovory word, rom|nd|ng myso|t th|s m|ght bo tho
|ast chanco.. 3ut ovory t|mo l tought hardor tor tocus, hor
words rotroatod turthor |nto a tog and l |ost ovory thought
oxcopt tho ono that mado mo angr|ost: Wo had to t|nd a
way to troo hor-thoro had to bo a barga|n that cou|d bo
struck-and that l had no |doa how to do |t or what |t wou|d
tako.
Vax and Cat sw|tchod p|acos w|th us, and stand|ng
outs|do mothor's uny|o|d|ng onv|ronmont, l g|arod at l|otr
and w|shod Grandtathor had somohow ondowod tho
oboroton w|th to|opathy so wo cou|d tako advantago ot ono
|oss guard and, ovon unarmod as wo woro, somohow
broak Vothor out.
ln a vory tow m|nutos tho thought bocamo an obsoss|on
ot d|zzy|ng powor.
3o |t was on|y |og|ca|, |n an oxtromo|y |||og|ca| way, that
whon tho door to tho cub|c|o noxt h|ssod opon to ro|oaso
Vax and Cat and Vothor was so noar tho opon|ng-
l took a chanco.
Grabb|ng Vothor so suddon|y, l yankod hor troo ot tho
cub|c|o, stunnod by how ||ght sho was |n my grasp.
Vax and l|otr on|y starod at mo a momont-a s|ng|o
hoartboat botwoon tasc|nat|on and horror-botoro thoy
pu||od troo ot tho|r c|othos and shook |nto tho|r wo|tsk|ns.
Cat tr|od to |ook throaton|ng as wo bogan to movo to tho
door as a un|t, tho wo|vos snar||ng and snapp|ng at tho
guards, |ung|ng so thoy torcod tho|r guns' muzz|os up as tho
agonts tr|od to ga|n contro| w|thout harm|ng tho assots thoy
st||| noodod |ntact-my worowo|t s|b||ngs.
Vothor stumb|od, tuckod aga|nst mo, and l took hor
nog||g|b|o wo|ght, my back noar|y at tho ox|t whon l to|t a
dratt and roa||zod tho door had s||d opon botoro l was
roady.
3atot|os c||ckod ott throo guns boh|nd mo and tho|r
snouts b|t |nto my hoad. l trozo, stoo||ng myso|t aga|nst tho
poss|b|||ty that th|s was tho |ast th|ng l'd ovor do.
And probab|y by tar tho t|nost.
lt l cou|d throw my body at my k|||ors and |ot go ot Vothor
at tho r|ght momont, thoy m|ght a|| st||| mako |t out..
lot go,' l urgod Vothor, hor t|ngors c|aws |n my arms.
Nyot,' sho rop||od, oyos t|ar|ng w|th rod and t||||ng w|th
mo|sturo as, soarch|ng my taco, sho d|scovorod my |ntont.
Nyot, A|ox|!' W|th a bruta| shovo sho throw horso|t back
trom mo, past hor othor sons, rutt||ng tho crosts ot tho|r turs
as sho |andod at tho toot ot hor guards.
And gavo horso|t up.
1ho wo|vos wh|nod, Cathor|no cry|ng out at hor cho|co.
1ho|r shapos shuddor|ng, Vax and l|otr rogrossod to tho|r
human torms, crouchod, damp w|th swoat and stunnod to
tho marrow.
You w||| not d|o torrr mo,' sho roarod, tho words grow|ng
guttura|. l am doad a|rrroady, do you not soo?' 3hak|ng out
hor |ong mano ot ha|r sho stood and tuggod at tho s||vor
t||||ng so much ot |t now. Vy c|ock rrruns down too qu|ck|y.'
|or vo|co a hoarso wh|spor, |ts |ntons|ty novor |ossonod.
|oar mo c|oar|y. lt thoy w||| not ro|oaso mo-|t thoy |ntond
mo to d|o horo, so bo |t. l w||| not havo you sacr|t|co yourso|t
tor mo. l w||| not havo my tam||y mado |nto martyrs.' 3ho
|nha|od sharp|y and bont ovor, t|ght|ng tor contro|.
|oart-lato-ls-E|ovatod,' tho computor|zod mon|tor
ca||od.
Vothor grow|od hor rosponso.
A pop soundod and hor hands tw|tchod, sh|tt|ng as thoy
rostod on hor s|ondor |ogs just abovo hor knoos. |a|r shot
up trom ono |n a dramat|c d|sp|ay ot tho wo|t's grow|ng
powor.
Vothor shook, push|ng back tho chango.
Whon sho stra|ghtonod to addross us aga|n, hor oyos
woro br|ght w|th unshod toars. 1ak|ng a doop broath sho
sa|d, l w||| not watch my ch||dron d|o as my husband d|d.'
1urn|ng hor back to us, sho |od hor guards to hor co|| and
wa|tod obod|ont|y tor tho door to opon and |ot hor |n onco
moro. A guard p|ckod up l|otr and Vax's shod c|oth|ng and
throw |t at my brothors, gr|nn|ng at our ta||uro.
3oh|nd mo, tho agonts w|thdrow tho|r guns and stoppod
as|do to |ot us out.
1h|s was both unoxpoctod and d|sappo|nt|ng.' oooo.
1ho agonts t|ankod us, t|ngors by tho|r tr|ggor guards.
You know what th|s moans, ot courso,' sho statod
cr|sp|y, but |n hor oyos l road somoth|ng sott, ||ko p|ty.
Vothor's now undor rostr|ctod accoss. You'|| havo to oarn
your way back |nto our good gracos-and |nto hor
onv|ronmont. And'-sho moasurod tho wo|ght ot hor words,
try|ng to ||ghton tho |mpact w|th hor tono. 3ut no chango |n
vo|umo or p|tch cou|d stop tho |nov|tab|o pa|n ot hoar|ng
-'that w||| tako t|mo.'
0azod, wo woro |od away trom tho bunkor's bottom
soct|on, whoro Vothor ||vod and m|ght vory wo|| d|o, and up
tho sta|rs.
3t||| stunnod, l wou|d not havo not|cod h|m |t |t woro not
tor l|otr's suddon |ungo toward a d|m|y ||t room.
Whoaaa-oasy, to||a,' an agont sa|d, pross|ng tho ond
ot h|s gun |nto l|otr's gut and push|ng h|m back |nto our
m|dst.
3||nd w|th rago at whomovor |urkod |n tho shadows, l|otr
roarod and Vax grabbod h|m, wrapp|ng h|s arms t|ght
around l|otr's chost to hau| h|m away as tho agont and tho
porson ho guardod jo|nod us |n tho narrow ha||.
l'd novor mot tho boy, but l know h|m |mmod|ato|y trom
tho doscr|pt|ons Cat, Vax, and l|otr had sharod.
|o stood noar|y tho samo ho|ght as l|otr, but whoro
l|otr had dark, unru|y ha|r that otton h|d ono oyo, 0orok's
ha|r was go|don b|ond pushod back trom c|ass|c Amor|can
toaturos. A squaro and powortu| jaw tramod l|otr's cr|sp
chookbonos, whoro 0orok's jaw was m||d|y b|untod and
somohow |oss throaton|ng. Whoro l|otr had an odgo and
w||dnoss to h|m, 0orok had rot|nomont and po||sh. An art|st
cou|d havo comparod tho two and v|owors wou|d havo st|||
arguod who was moro handsomo.
3ut attor what had happonod botwoon 0orok, l|otr, and
1oss|o thoro cou|d bo no doubt ot who was moro
dangorous. And |t on|y mado h|s boy-noxt-door charms
moro |ron|c.
Youuu,' l|otr soothod, pu|||ng aga|nst Vax so ho was
|nchos trom 0orok's sm|||ng taco. And |oss trom tho gun
barro| ot 0orok's sm|||ng guard.
|o||o, l|otr. |ow's 1oss?' ||s oyos untocusod and ho
|ookod somowhoro boyond us. Yop. 3t||| hot.' |o b||nkod,
h|s v|s|on roturn|ng to whoro wo a|| stood. |o gr|nnod at
l|otr.
l|otr wont w||d and Vax's arms woro suddon|y t|||od w|th
a snar||ng, snapp|ng worowo|t c|aw|ng toward h|s
antagon|st. 1o l|otr's crod|t, h|s suddon |oss ot contro|
mado 0orok jump back. 1ho sm||o to|| ott h|s taco and trom
tho d|m room boh|nd h|m somoono roachod torward and
took h|s arm.
0on't bo stup|d,' a dark-ha|rod woman w|th t|no
toaturos adv|sod 0orok. 3|ondor and wo|| drossod, sho
d|dn't carry horso|t ||ko an agont. Catch|ng a g||mpso ot hor
ta||orod outt|t and h|gh hoo|s l doubtod sho was a norma|
toaturo |n tho bunkor. Como away now. Wo havo a
soss|on.'
1|ght-||ppod, ho sparod us ono moro |ook, thon ra|sod
h|s ch|n arrogant|y and to||owod hor back |nto tho d|m room.
3napp|ng and thrash|ng |n h|s wo|tsk|n, l|otr strugg|od |n
Vax's gr|p, h|s br||||ant rod oyos novor |oav|ng h|s ox-r|va|. l
doubtod ho'd ovon soon tho woman ghost |n and away.
W|th a grunt, Vax draggod h|mso|t and h|s moro than
human burdon toward tho door.
Vy m|nd rac|ng, l ushorod Cat out ahoad ot mo,
scoop|ng up tho romnants ot l|otr's joans w|th my shoo.
|ousoho|d oxponsos wou|d aga|n bo on tho r|so, |t
soomod.
3y tho t|mo wo'd gotton out tho tront door, l|otr had
changod back and s||ppod |nto h|s shroddod pants, ho|d|ng
thom togothor at h|s wa|st w|th a c|onchod t|st. |o d|dn't say
a word, just sat |n tho car, star|ng gr|m|y ahoad.
Vax dug |nto tho g|ovo compartmont and handod h|m a
bo|t to tw|st through h|s tattorod wa|stband.
Wo drovo homo |n s||onco, oach ot us suro|y th|nk|ng ot
how wo'd a|ono boon rospons|b|o tor our jo|nt ta||uro.
l|otr was brood|ng.
l was a||owod no such |uxury. low was a t|mo tor act|on,
not sorrowtu| |ntrospoct|on. lt on|y l know what act|on to
tako..
l|otr was tho t|rst out ot tho car, throw|ng h|s door opon
w|th so much torco |ts h|ngos groanod and Vax shoutod.
Wo shadowod h|m up tho sta|rs, onto tho porch, and |ns|do
tho houso.
1horo, h|ddon trom tho potont|a| cur|os|ty ot nosy
no|ghbors, l|otr |ot |ooso.
|o toro through tho houso, t|||od w|th a wh|to-hot angor,
k|ck|ng door jambs, punch|ng wa||s, and curs|ng.
Bl|logoo||y. Cat to||owod, a banshoo wa|||ng tor h|m to stop
-to tblok . l roachod tor my c|garottos and tra||od thom
||ko a ghost.
What cou|d l say or do? Vy grandtathor's sc|onco was
what had brought us a|| to tho roa||zat|on that Vothor was
dy|ng. And wo cou|dn't troo hor-cou|dn't savo hor.
Whon l|otr c|oarod tho sma||, marb|o-toppod tab|o at tho
s|tt|ng room's odgo, sond|ng tho p|ocos ot tho tam||y's
motryosbko t|y|ng, Vax took h|m to tho ground.
l|otr snar|od and spat, curs|ng bonoath Vax's groator
bu|k. Ouak|ng w|th rago ho was as ho|p|oss as any ot us-
and as ho|p|oss as 1oss|o had boon tho day hor mothor
burnod to doath |n tho|r tam||y car.
Whon ho turnod h|s g|ow|ng oyos away trom m|no l
roa||zod ho know that, too.
l kno|t bos|do l|otr.
|ow |ong, A|ox|?'
1ho broath th|ckonod |n my throat, wodgod bonoath a
|ump.
|ow |ong doos sho havo?'
l|otrrr.,' Cat wh|nod.
Vax ra|sod h|s ch|n and suckod h|s ||ps botwoon h|s
tooth, p|nn|ng thom. ||s nostr||s t|arod and ho |ookod away.
l don't know,' l adm|ttod. Vonths?'
l|otr's oyos squoozod shut. lot ovon yoars,' ho sa|d,
h|s tono c||ppod and bruta|. |o noddod. Vonths.'
Vaybo |oss.'
|o noddod aga|n, tak|ng |t ||ko a b|ow to tho gut ho'd
somohow ant|c|patod. Wo'ro not onough to got hor out.'
Vax gruntod and, rock|ng torward, stood. ||s hand out to
ho|p l|otr up, ho sa|d noth|ng. ||s macho postur|ng was
gono, dot|atod by tact. |o d|d not bu|| h|s way through tho
convorsat|on. 3hou|dors s|ump|ng, ho pu||od l|otr to h|s
toot.
What |t thoro aro moro ||ko us?' Vax askod suddon|y.
What? Voro luss|an-Amor|cans |n 1unct|on?' Amy
askod, rubb|ng hor workout towo| around hor damp
ponyta||, trosh trom a run. 3h|-oot. What happonod
horo?' sho askod, hor oyos shoot|ng trom tho wrockago ot
tho room to oach ot our tacos-maskod aga|nst omot|on
as thoy woro.
Lo,' Vax wh|sporod, dragg|ng tho sy||ab|o out, turn|ng
so h|s oyos |atchod onto m|no. Lo. luss|an-Amor|cans |n
1unct|on. Noor 1unct|on.' |o gathorod Amy to h|m, ||nk|ng
h|s arms around hor and s|gh|ng as ho bur|od h|s taco |n
hor ha|r.
0udo!' sho protostod, wr|gg||ng out ot h|s gr|p. l'm
soak|ng wot, ||ko gross boyond bo||ot.'
|o shook h|s hoad, s|gh|ng. Nyot. Como horo.'
3omo torco botwoon thom, ||ko an undon|ab|o grav|ty,
pu||od hor back |nto h|s arms, and thoy both ro|axod.
l roturnod to tho quost|on. ln 1unct|on? Wo wou|d know.'
Yoah,' Amy agrood. You guys aro hard|y subt|o. You'd
bo oasy to spot.'
l|otr noddod. Lo. 3ho |s r|ght.'
Noor 1unct|on.' l tr|od to |mag|no anothor pack c|oso
onough to mako a d|ttoronco. |ow noar |s noar?'
Vax's oyos narrowod and ho snortod. Good quost|on.'
Amy aga|n wormod troo and startod ho|p|ng Cat p|ck
th|ngs up. 3or|ous|y,' sho wh|sporod. What happonod?'
Cat just shook hor hoad.
Amy pausod a momont, watch|ng Cat's body |anguago
-a v|ct|m try|ng to rocogn|zo anothor v|ct|m and not
com|ng away w|th an oasy answor. 3tra|ghton|ng, sho
|ookod at Vax as ho and l|otr spoko luss|an |n |ow tonos.
|or a hoartboat |t soomod ovoryth|ng was opon to
|ntorprotat|on and Amy wasn't suro |t sho'd boon
ovor|ook|ng a dangor just ||ko tho ono sho'd so rocont|y
oscapod.
3ho oxha|od, t|na||y dotorm|n|ng tho dangor sho had
known was st||| worso than what was botoro hor and
unknown. Vax noodod to to|| hor tho truth soon or r|sk |os|ng
hor torovor bocauso thoro was no othor way to tru|y
undorstand my tam||y.
lorhaps wo shou|d try to t|nd thom?' Vax aga|n turnod
to l|otr and mo tor |nput.
1oo many ot us |n ono p|aco makos th|ngs d|tt|cu|t.'
Vax g|arod at mo ovor my uso ot os, but kopt qu|ot.
1horo a|n't room onough |n th|s horo town tor a now
bunch ot lusk|'-Amy b||nkod-'luss|an-Amor|cans,' sho
sa|d, ||ghton|ng tho mood.
Vax snortod.
1hough sho had no |doa just how r|ght sho was, Amy's
words gavo us pauso. Oboroton woro torr|tor|a|. Wo woro a
sma|| tam||y-a sma|| pock-at bost. lnv|t|ng anothor pack
|n was ask|ng tor troub|o. 1roub|o wo had p|onty ot. Wo
noodod a|||os.
And trustworthy a|||os tor a group so otton huntod and so
oagor|y wantod undor contro| woro hard to como by.
CEAP1ER 5|X
Joaaio
lt's good to soo you, 1oss|ca,' 0r. 1onos sa|d.
l rotusod to pay hor a s|m||ar comp||mont.
3ho t||ppod back a tow pagos |n tho sot ot papors cur|od
around tho c||pboard's top. |rod and 1oromy roportod that
you'vo had an unapprovod v|s|tor sovora| t|mos.'
|rod and-?'
1oromy. Your guards.'
1h|ng Ono and 1h|ng 1wo? Wa|t. 1hoy'vo'-l a|r-quotod
-'roportoo to you. |uh. l was sor|ous|y start|ng to doubt
thoy woro capab|o ot spooch.'
|or pon scratchod out somoth|ng o|so. 1ho boy who
|ns|sts on v|s|t|ng you |s putt|ng h|mso|t |n dangor.'
l know. l to|d h|m to stay away.'
3ho poorod at mo a momont. You to|o h|m.'
Wroto an |ns|stont noto,' l c|ar|t|od. l want l|otr sato
way moro than l want l|otr boro.'
1hat's what l thought. 3o |t's l|otr lusakova.'
l b||nkod at hor.
|o's tho on|y l|otr |n your rocords. |o tr|od to drop th|s
ott tor you.' 3ho ho|d up a book.
1ho c|ass|ca||y |nsp|rod covor was t|t|od: Blsc|ovrot.
|avo you road |t?'
lo,' l sa|d. lt's h|s.'
l took tho ||borty ot scroon|ng |t tor you.'
Vy jaw was so t|ght l thought my tooth wou|d pop.
lt doosn't ond wo||-d|d you know? 1ho horo, th|s
d|s|||us|onod warr|or and worowo|t, dostroys tho woman ho
|ovod.'
1hat's a protty crappy romanco.'
0o you th|nk young Vr. lusakova |s try|ng to sond you a
mossago? lorhaps throaton|ng you?'
1ho prospoct ot catch|ng l|otr throaton|ng mo soomod
||ko |t was as good as t|nd|ng out Chr|stmas was com|ng
oar|y.
lo,' l |ns|stod. |o's no throat to mo.'
1ho othor day |rod and 1oromy mont|onod that ho
vau|tod ovor a dosk and grabbod you momonts botoro thoy
got tho two ot you apart. Was ho hurt|ng you?'
lo!' l g|arod at hor. |o was k|ss|ng mo.'
ln a v|o|ont way?'
lo-|n a t|rm and |ronch way, |t you must know. lt you
tako a pook at your h|story l'm suro you'|| agroo tho |ronch
havo dovo|opod an untortunato roputat|on tor not bo|ng
much as t|ghtors. 3o. lot v|o|ont. 1ust a |ronch k|ss. lo
throat un|oss wo cons|dor potont|a| gorm wartaro,' l
grumb|od. Vay l havo tho book? l|oaso.'
lo. l'm atra|d not. lt m|ght |nc|to mood sw|ngs |n you.'
3o |t's a protty good book.'
You'vo a|roady gotton |nto troub|o horo, 1oss|ca. You'vo
boon on rostr|ct|on and you woro caught t|ght|ng.'
l was ottockoo.'
Wo don't know who startod |t-'
1horo's a camora |n ovory room. Chock tho tapo.'
Untortunato|y |t wont ott-||no r|ght attor you wa|kod |n
w|th tho |aundry. l'vo oxam|nod tho tapos myso|t.'
Como on,' l groanod. l was attackod. l dotondod
myso|t.'
l soo.' lagos on hor c||pboard uncur|od to ||o t|at on tho
othor papors. l'm try|ng to ho|p.'
lt you roa||y want to ho|p mo, g|vo mo tho book, |ot mo
havo moro v|s|tors, and romovo tho camora trom my room.
lt'|| do mo a wor|d a good to not bo wondor|ng |t 1h|ng
Ono'-l caught myso|t-'lroo and 1oromy aro watch|ng
mo undross oach n|ght.'
3ho |ookod at mo, wo|gh|ng my roso|vo. Wo'|| ta|k
soon.'
l stood. Can't wa|t.'
Joaaio
laundry dota|| gavo mo a mob|||ty othor pat|onts d|dn't
havo. l'd dono tho samo rout|no just otton onough that ono
morn|ng, whon tho rogu|ar nurso was absont and |rod and
1oromy woro not at tho|r standard p|aco guard|ng my door, l
doc|dod not to ask quost|ons but |nstoad tako advantago ot
tho s|tuat|on.
ln schoo| wo'd boon to|d to bo proact|vo.
1oss|ca G|||manson, roport|ng tor |aundry duty.'
Oh. Um. Yos. |o|d on.' 1ho subst|tuto nurso tumb|od
w|th tho papors and t|na||y tound tho c||pboard. 3ho g|ancod
at tho c|ock. You know, |aundry's not up yot-a tow ot tho
statt ca||od |n s|ck today.. Evoryth|ng's runn|ng boh|nd
schodu|o. |o|d on.' 3ho un|ockod a drawor and producod a
sw|po koy and |anyard. |oro you go.'
1hanks.'
3ho bo||ovod l know my way. lot roady to corroct hor, l
sm||od, took tho |anyard, and hoadod to tho o|ovator.
Not op yot, sho'd sa|d. l noodod to go down.
l sw|pod tho koy, stoppod |ns|do tho mota| box that tor
somo roason smo||od ta|nt|y ot ur|no-l a|ways wound up |n
tho n|cost p|acos-and prossod tho button tor tho noxt t|oor
down: 3A3EVEl1. 1ho doors groanod c|osod. 3roatho,
1oss,' l sa|d. 3ut not too doop. Gooz. 1ust go|ng to got tho
|aundry. Vaybo poko around. A ||tt|o. lot a b|g doa|.'
1ho o|ovator rockod, stopp|ng |n tho basomont.
3oo? lot doad yot. lo b|g doa|.' 1ho doors whoozod
opon and l stoppod out |nto a br|ght|y ||t ha||way. Wo||, th|s
|s . c|oan.' Gooso bumps roso on my arms.
Abovo mo, |ong banks ot t|uorosconts hummod.
0oors ||nod tho |ong ha||, somo had |abo|s, many d|d not.
1horo was no s|gn po|nt|ng tho way tor a |aundry room-no
sound ot mach|nos wh|rr|ng as b|uo c|oth|ng tumb|od |n
|ndustr|a| dr|ors, no scont ot tabr|c sottonor or wator othor
than tho dampnoss that porvadod tho bu||d|ng's |owost
|ovo|.
lt appoarod tho pok|ng around l had hopod to do wou|d
bo nocossary just to t|nd tho |aundry cart. lt'd soom
|og|t|mato bocauso, sad|y, |t was. l wou|dn't got |abo|od as
robo|||ous, proact|vo, c|ovor, or stoa|thy as a rosu|t ot th|s.
Vaybo oomostlc.
lot h|gh on my ||st ot goa|s.
3|ow|y l mado my way down tho ha||, g|anc|ng |n oach ot
tho th|n w|ndows sot |n oach mota| door.
1ho sound that stoppod my progross mado my gooso
bumps roappoar and tho ha|r at tho napo ot my nock t|ck|o.
3omoono scroamod.
lnst|nct shoutod at mo to raco to tho o|ovator and hoad
back up as tast as tho r|ckoty th|ng cou|d carry mo.
3ut l cropt torward, toward tho no|so. lt l'd boon 3arah
luxom, ox-bost tr|ond and roostab||shod moan g|r| and
Ouoon 3oo ot 1unct|on ||gh, my word ot tho day wou|d'vo
boon: coootorlotoltlvo.
0ogs grow|od and tho scroamor, a woman by tho p|tch,
|ot out anothor cry. 1ho scrooch bocamo a how|. W|thout
words |t was on|y a pr|ma| announcomont ot pa|n.
What |t sho just noodod ho|p? What |t sho . my m|nd
stuttorod through poss|b|o sconar|os and morc|tu||y pausod
on tho |oast gruosomo . was p|nnod undor a p||o ot trosh|y
to|dod b|uo sh|rts and was torr|t|od ot wrock|ng tho stack by
w|gg||ng out w|thout ho|p?
loto|d|ng |aundry wos awtu|.
lt was p|aus|b|o, l just|t|od, romombor|ng my boytr|ond.
7bo worowo|.
Anyth|ng was poss|b|o. l|ko th|s-not ond|ng bad|y. Vy
stomach qu|vorod, and l cont|nuod torward.
Ono door away, l hoard vo|cos r|so abovo tho
scroam|ng.
3odato hor!'
Lr. 1ooos?
0amn |t! Vust l do ovoryth|ng myso|t?! G|vo mo tho
syr|ngo!'
0octor, sho's-'
1horo was anothor how| ot torror, a rrrlp and pop and
sovora| somoth|ngs-sma|| and mota|?-c|attorod to tho
t|oor.
0amn |t!'
1ho dogs wont w||d.
-sho's roo,' tho othor woman statod.
1ho doorknob ratt|od and tho how|or burst |nto tho
ha||way, tho p|ac|d b|uo ot our un|torms hang|ng |ooso|y
trom a tur-covorod body that sh|vorod somowhoro botwoon
wo|t and woman. 1ubos hung, dr|pp|ng, trom hor arms. 3ho
|ookod down tho ha||, chost hoav|ng and, turn|ng, sho
spottod mo.
3ho convu|sod, ono paw ro-torm|ng |nto a hand, ono
s|do ot hor taco s|nk|ng |nto human toaturos as tho othor
ha|t stayod |ong and narrow and turrod, strotch|ng hor sk|n
and tost|ng hor bonos unt|| sho shr|okod at hor
transtormat|on.
|a|||ng to tho t|oor sho shuddorod, hor backbono
wh|pp|ng hor torso and hoad so hard l hoard a crock. 3ho
wh|nod and, most|y human, c|amborod to hor toot.
|a|r a w||d tang|o, and hor oyos as rod as l|otr's had
ovor boon, l rocogn|zod hor |nstant|y. |armony-my
attackor on tho t|rst day l d|d |aundry dota||.
5o oot gooo.
3ho staggorod ono stop torward. Ono oar st||| po|ntod,
ono hand st||| cur|od and sharp w|th c|aws, |armony t|arod
hor nostr||s, suck|ng down my scont.
3t||| |ns|do tho room sho'd torn out ot, dogs wh|nod,
c|aw|ng and push|ng at tho door, oagor to run.
lu|| thom back so wo can opon |t-' 1onos shoutod.
Co||ars and cha|ns ratt|od.
l turnod to tho door at my back and tr|od tho knob.
lockod. 0odg|ng across tho ha|| l tr|od anothor.
lush thom out ot tho way!'
Lommlt.
Got botwooo thom-'
|armony watchod as l chargod up tho ha|| to tho noxt sot
ot doors. l tw|stod anothor knob. lockod. 3ut as l s||d
across tho t|oor to movo on, l hoard a c|lck boh|nd mo. Vy
hoart hammorod and tho scont ot summor dr|ttod past.
Vom.' l tr|od tho knob aga|n and |t squoa|od opon.
1ump|ng |ns|do, l shovod tho door shut, p|nn|ng |t c|osod
w|th my body as l s||d down, tho c||pboard c|attor|ng to tho
t|oor.
Outs|do, tho door down tho ha|| oponod. C|aws c||ckod
on tho ha||'s t|oor as tho dogs scrabb|od attor tho|r quarry.
C||mb|ng to my toot l stood snug to tho door to poor out
tho narrow w|ndow.
3ho was on tho ground, oyos c|osod, bo||y up. 1hroat
oxposod, sho was st||| oxcopt tor tho t|ash ot a pu|so |n hor
throat and tho r|so and ta|| ot hor chost as sho tought pan|c.
5obmlttlog.
Wa|t tor |t,' 1onos commandod. Wo shou|d know |n just
anothor m|nuto.'
You roa||y th|nk thoro's a curo-you'vo tound |t?' 1h|s
c|oso tho othor vo|co soundod d|st|nct|y ||ko my rogu|ar
nurso.
Yos. 1ho g|r| lusakova-Cot. l'd stako my roputat|on
sho's boon curod. Why o|so wou|dn't you t|ght as an oborot
whon try|ng to troo your mothor? And |t wo havo tho curo,
wo know what th|ngs wo can't |ot thom noar. 1ho othor
ott|co may bo work|ng on moklog thom-'
3llGO. 1hoy woro part ot tho samo company.
3ut |t wo can assuro thoy can't bo oomooo onco tho
dood's dono.'
l tromb|od, tho t|ny spots on my arm whoro thoy drow
da||y b|ood samp|os b|t |nto mo w|th co|d. 1hoy woro us|ng
mo to undo worowo|vos so thoy cou|d d|scovor how to work
boyond a curo. 1ho changos thoy |ntondod wou|d bo
pormanont.
1ho dogs stood, ha|r sp|k|ng a|ong tho|r shou|dors and
backs. Vouths opon and tonguos tromb||ng, tho|r snouts
woro r|dgod w|th wr|nk|os. 1ho|r tooth g||ntod, s||ck w|th
sa||va. 1hoy woro hugo-b|g brutos. And thoro woro-ono,
two .
. sovoo l cou|d soo, moro than l'd |mag|nod prow||ng
tho grounds.
lootlog poop|o |lko Plotr.
|armony scroamod aga|n, thrash|ng, hor body rackod
w|th tromors, ha|r sprout|ng |n th|ck and suddon patchos.
3ho c|awod at horso|t, trant|c, oyos w|do. |or taco
d|stortod, pu|||ng |nto a snout and sho shoutod, words
garb|od as hor voca| cords changod and hor body
stuttorod, choos|ng ono shapo or anothor.
1|ght to tho dogs' broad cha|n co||ars th|ck |oashos woro
attachod. 1hoy ratt|od |n ant|c|pat|on.
W|th a t|na| cry sho k|ckod out, hor toot crack|ng aga|nst
a dog's jaw.
1horo was no moro bark|ng. lo snapp|ng. On|y a
grow|ng, rumb||ng grow|.
|armony grow st|||, on|y tho occas|ona| t|uttor ot hor
chost show|ng sho ||vod, hor torm stuck botwoon tho two
warr|ng s|dos ot hor tw|stod gonot|cs.
1ust boyond tho scopo ot my v|s|on, 0r. 1onos cursod.
1h|s |sn't work|ng. l'm not oxact|y suro whoro wo wont
wrong, but th|s subjoct |s a tota| |oss.'
3ho's strong-sho poppod tho straps and sont thoso
buck|os t|y|ng. Vaybo |t just doosn't work on ha|t-b|oods.'
lorhaps. Or porhaps wo'ro m|ss|ng a componont.
3ho's worth|oss o|thor way. 3ho subm|ttod,' 1onos po|ntod
out. Voro t||ght than t|ght. And that? 7bot doosn't |ook ||ko
a curo-stuck botwoon. 0|sgust|ng. Wo'|| nood anothor
subjoct. l'd |ovo to got my hands on a tu||-b|ood. 1ho
lusakova a|pha. low bo wou|d bo a pr|zo spoc|mon.'
What do wo do w|th bor?'
look away.'
||ngors snappod. |rod. 1oromy.'
Vy oyos wont w|do as l caught a g||mpso ot a w|ckod|y
scarrod arm ropa|rod w|th awkward-|ook|ng st|tchos. lts
hand movod to dotach tho |oashos.
1ho wr|st turnod and l spottod tho odd tattoo.
Vy guards?
Wo'vo mado a dog's broaktast out ot th|s,' 1onos sa|d,
moro a command than a commont.
1horo was no moro grow||ng.
3ut tho scroam|ng mado up tor |t as tho dogs attackod.
l baro|y kopt trom jump|ng back, gasp|ng |n horror. 3ho'd
subm|ttod! G|von up!
|or a momont tho wr|th|ng bod|os ot tho dogs partod.
|armony strugg|od to r|so, s||pp|ng |n hor own b|ood, hor
hand roach|ng tor my door's knob .
And thon thoy pouncod and toro hor to p|ocos.
l s||d down tho wa||, covor|ng my hoad w|th my arms.
1ho tronzy ot no|so roso |n vo|umo tor tho spaco ot a tow
hoartboats and thon tho sounds changod.
Ooowlog.
1ho |app|ng up ot ||qu|d . b|ooo.
l was go|ng to bo s|ck.
1ho qu|ot sounds ot tho attormath ot murdor woro
doaton|ng.
3oo?' 0r. 1onos askod. 1ust a ||tt|o add|t|ona|
c|oanup.'
1ho nurso gaggod.
3top that,' 1onos sco|dod. Wo must bo pragmat|c
about a|| th|s. Wo aro on tho vorgo ot chang|ng
-rocborglog-tho ab|||t|os ot ovo|ut|on |tso|t.'
Eyos w|do, l c|utchod my d|scardod c||pboard, crush|ng
|t to my chost.
1ho nurso roasonod, lt wo |nc|udo worowo|t|sm |n
human|ty's now ovo|ut|on, don't wo, tho prov|ous
gonorat|ons, s||p down tho tood cha|n?'
Oh. 3oo? You'vo a|roady rocovorod your sonso ot
humor.'
l wasn't.' 1ho nurso to|| s||ont.
lt on|y doa||ng w|th that G|||manson g|r| was th|s s|mp|o.
3ut sho's ott tho monu.'
3ho's h|s pot,' tho nurso rom|ndod.
lt sooms sho's tho pot ot a tow. You wou|dn't oxpoct |t,
|ook|ng at hor, wou|d you?'
l b||nkod.
3ut 0orok doos got a chargo out ot strango th|ngs.'
1ho nurso chuck|od-a|most on cuo. Cborgo. |o ca||s
hor h|s tavor|to battory.'
|o's mado such a moss ot th|ngs,' 1onos muttorod.
3ut to roa||zo h|s potont|a|-|t's as amaz|ng as t|na||y
t|nd|ng thoso worowo|vos.' 1horo was a pauso. |rod.
1oromy. Got a mop and a buckot.'
|oavy tootstops c|umpod away.
Your st|tch|ng's c|umsy,' 1onos cont|dod.
3t|tch|ng? l|ko, tho st|tchos l'd soon on tho arm?
1oromy's now b|t w||| work just t|no. Wo'ro not st|tch|ng
tor cosmot|c |mprovomont.'
1ouchy, touchy. As |ong as thoy woar |ong s|oovos and
|ong pants |t |sn't roa||y not|coab|o, l guoss. 1hoy run
through rop|acomont parts qu|ck|y.'
lop|acomont ports
Vust bo bad c|rcu|at|on. 1ho|r systoms gum up oas||y.'
1hoso aro st||| tunct|on|ng a |ot bottor than tho t|rst.'
Vy hoad snappod up. 3y t|rst pa|r d|d sho moan-my
or|g|na| guards?
1oss|ca's st||| too so|t-absorbod to not|co much ot
anyth|ng outs|do horso|t, anyhow,' tho nurso po|ntod out.
Crap. Vurdor and mu|t|p|o |nsu|ts.
At |oast thoro's no shortago ot parts.'
Oua||ty wou|d bo bottor than quant|ty. And trank|y ho
noods to bo tra|nod to tood on tho ||v|ng. And |ot thom koop
||v|ng,' 1onos c|ar|t|od. Good, |rod and 1oromy. Vop that
up. l moan, |njoct|ng somo m|sory |nto poop|o's ||vos to got
somoth|ng back-|t's noth|ng moro than our own
govornmont doos ovory Apr|| t|ttoonth. 3ut tho way ho
t|n|shos.' |or words tra||od ott.
Evoryono's to||ow|ng tho 1oon 1ra|n 1rack 3u|c|dos
story. lt makos us a ||tt|o moro h|gh-prot||o than l ||ko.' 1onos
pausod. 3ut |t's worth |t. 1ho worowo|vos . no. 1oromy.
Got a trosh buckot. Wo'ro not try|ng to polot tho t|oor, but
c|oan |t.' 1horo was a c|ook and a s|osb. Wo'ro c|oso to
rop||cat|ng tho codo that makos thom so changoab|o. 3ut
1am|oson |s a strangor cockta|| ot capab|||t|os. |o makos
h|s paronts |ook ||ko noth|ng.'
Lorok`s poroots
1hat goos down on my ||st ot th|ngs l novor thought l'd
hoar,' tho nurso adm|ttod. 7bo blgb scboo| ootbo|| stor`s
moro omozlog tboo 5ovlot-crootoo worowo|vos.'
||s sorv|cos aro |nva|uab|o. lt wo can just got h|m to on|y
tood trom bor . or bottor yot, somo othor battory
a|togothor. 1hon |t sho's troub|osomo wo can o||m|nato hor.
Evoryth|ng's sot tor that poss|b|||ty.'
What about that 3arah bo|ng h|s battory?'
3ho's too stab|o. 1oo happy bo|ng nasty. 3ut
G|||manson? 3ho's a ro||or coastor ot omot|ons.'
Nlllco. l was ott|c|a||y |oss stab|o than my psycho ox-
3||.
l|co job, boys. Wo shou|d spray tho ha|| so |t doosn't
smo||. low whoro d|d wo-'
l torcod myso|t |nto a crouch. 1hoy woro go|ng to soarch
tor d|s|ntoctant spray. l noodod to h|do. 1ho room was
noar|y ompty oxcopt tor an |ndustr|a|-s|zod rotr|gorator that
took up most ot |t. Groat cho|co, 1oss. ||do |n tho ono room
w|th no c|osots.
l'|| chock horo-'
l spr|ntod to tho tr|dgo, stay|ng |ow, and pu||od tho
mass|vo door opon to s||do |ns|do. l snatchod tho papors
ott my c||pboard and stuttod thom botwoon tho two |ock
soct|ons so tho door appoarod c|osod but d|dn't soa| mo |n.
1ak|ng a stop doopor |ns|do, l doc|dod to wa|t thom out.
lot rog|stor|ng c|osod, tho ||ght roma|nod on. 1ho tr|dgo
puttod out a trosh round ot co|d a|r, togg|ng my
surround|ngs.
1ho ch||| caught up to mo, and l rubbod my arms and
movod my toot. Vaybo |t l wa|kod |n a t|ght c|rc|o .
l pausod at tho t|rst sot ot sho|vos.
A b|ack bag-a |oog b|ack bag-strotchod most ot |ts
|ongth. l know ot no produco nood|ng a bag that s|zo.
Co|d as l was, my hoart poundod tastor as tho doctor's
and nurso's words camo back to mo: rop|ocomoot ports.
No sbortogo.
Vy hands tromb|od. lt was ott|c|a|. l was ||v|ng a
n|ghtmaro. 3t|||, l roachod out-nood|ng to know .
||ngors qu|vor|ng w|th co|d and droad, tho bag-so
much ||ko tho |oat bags ||n|ng 1unct|on's suburban |awns
th|s t|mo ot yoar-ratt|od undor my touch, no|sy and st|tt as
|t oponod.
l stoppod back and tought my robo|||ng stomach.
ln tho th|ck, b|ack p|ast|c bag, |n tho hugo rotr|gorator, |ay
tho tra|n-b|udgoonod roma|ns ot 1ack 1acobson.
|rozon on h|s bru|sod and waxy taco was a sm||o. l|ko
ho'd just won |omocom|ng, not ||ko ho was roady to
ombraco an |ron horso on a short r|do to doath.
l swa||owod hard. Okay. 1ack's body was |n co|d storago
|n tho |oca| asy|um. Got a ho|d ot yourso|t, 1oss.'
l cou|d do th|s. l cou|d t|guro out what was go|ng on and
ho|p . somohow. l mado myso|t stop torward and roc|oso
tho bag ovor 1ack's ouphor|c taco.
0orok was tood|ng. On h|s tr|onds. |o'd dot|n|to|y gotton
a chargo out ot mo and mado mo bo||ovo th|ngs l shou|dn't
havo w|th just a s|mp|o touch.. What |t.?
1ho thought d|sconnoctod and spun, |ooso, |n my hoad.
l'd torg|von a |ot ot poop|o's m|stakos rocont|y. And
somo l'd trloo to torg|vo.. Vaybo |n 1ack's |ast momonts
ho bo||ovod ho boo won |omocom|ng.
At what po|nt d|d wo bocomo untorg|vab|o?
l wantod to tug at my ha|r, urgo my s|ugg|sh bra|n to go
tastor, but l cou|dn't stand tho thought ot touch|ng myso|t
w|th tho samo hands that had just oponod that bag.
l pacod.
Wo had a group try|ng to curo tho worowo|vos and ono
try|ng to rop||cato thom. Wo had my guards-s|ow to
tunct|on and nood|ng rop|acomont parts ot tho human
var|oty. |ow much cou|d you got out ot a body that had
boon part|a||y pu|pod by a tra|n?
Oh.'
Ooo|lty woo|o bo bottor tboo qoootlty.
Vy gazo sk|mmod tho othor sho|vos. ||||od w|th b|ack
bags. 0|ttoront s|zos, w|th d|ttoront vo|umos ot-contonts.
Ports.
l |ookod at tho door. |ow soon cou|d l |oavo? |ow |ong
had l a|roady boon horo, stunnod? 1ak|ng |n a doop broath,
l roa||zod l had no answors. Excopt tho most d|sturb|ng
onos.
3|ump|ng, l s||d down |nto a soatod pos|t|on and rostod
my hoad on my knoos. l cou|dn't |oavo yot. 3ut l wantod
noth|ng moro than to got away.
Away trom tho rotr|gorator trom |o||, tho b|oodsta|nod
basomont ha|| and zomb|o |rod and 1oromy.
Away trom a|| ot locan l|aco.
Vaybo trom 1unct|on |tso|t.
Cur|od |n on myso|t, l stayod thoro unt|| my broath no
|ongor stoamod as br|ght|y trom my mouth and my body
throatonod to shako apart w|th co|d. ||na||y l roso and wont
to tho door, opon|ng |t s|ow|y-part|y bocauso my jo|nts
woro st|tt and part|y to rotr|ovo tho papors l'd usod to stop
tho |ock.
l grabbod tho c||pboard and shou|dorod tho door opon,
s||pp|ng out and craw||ng to tho room's door, bonoath tho
v|ow ot tho s|ng|o w|ndow. 1ho papors on tho c||pboard
rust|od and l c|ampod thom down w|th my t|ngors.
look|ng out tho w|ndow l not|cod tho ha|| was scrubbod
c|oan-absont ot doctors, nursos, dogs, zomb|os, body
parts, and b|ood. lo no|so ochood |n tho c|oan wh|to
spaco, noth|ng to a|arm mo and koop mo |n tho room.
Carotu||y l oponod tho door and stoppod |nto tho ha||.
1ho ovorpowor|ng scont ot d|s|ntoctant spray hung |n tho
a|r.
lt was as |t thoro had boon no oxpor|mont portormod on
a pat|ont. lo murdor-no bod|os |n tho basomont. l|ko
ovoryth|ng was norma| and scontod w|th |avondor.
lt soomod hoa|thy.
And that's how l had to appoar, too.
|oa|thy. lorma|. Unratt|od.
3tra|ghton|ng my back, l squarod my shou|dors and sot
ott down tho ha|| |n soarch ot tho |aundry cart.
And thoro |t was. l|ko a boacon ot hopo and norma|cy,
stackod h|gh w|th pants and sh|rts.
You can do th|s.' l grabbod tho cart and hoadod to tho
o|ovator. l sw|pod tho koy and thrust tho cart |ns|do.
lorma|. You wantod norma|, r|ght?' l was babb||ng. 3ut l
was w||||ng to oxcuso myso|t th|s t|mo. Extonuat|ng
c|rcumstancos. What's that ph||osophy? Act ||ko you
a|roady havo somoth|ng and tho un|vorso w||| prov|do |t tor
you? Yoah. Go norma|.'
0oc|d|ng wh|st||ng a choortu| tuno wou|d bo push|ng |t-
ospoc|a||y s|nco l was noar|y tono doat-l wa|tod tor tho
o|ovator to opon and shovod tho cart |nto tho ha|| w|th a
grunt.
l sot tho c||pboard on top ot tho stack, hurr|od to tho t|rst
room, and |a|d tho chango ot c|othos on tho pat|ont's bod.
ln.
Out.
l cou|d a|most torgot what l'd just w|tnossod.. 3os|dos, l
was ootoocbob|o, thoy'd sa|d.
As |ong as l d|dn't scrow up.
l roachod tor tho c||pboard to put down my customary
chock mark show|ng succosstu| do||vory.
1ho pago was m|ss|ng.
Out ot ordor?
l t||ppod through tho stack.
1ho pago l noodod wasn't thoro.
Vy gazo skatod ovor tho cart.
lo.
lot thoro, o|thor.
l g|ancod toward tho o|ovator, stomach churn|ng. l cou|d
-
V|ss G|||manson!'
1ho subst|tuto nurso had spottod mo.
l wavod. 3orry. Vov|ng s|ow|y th|s morn|ng.'
1ust hurry up.'
Yos, ma'am,' l sa|d. |oar spod my stops.
||n|sh|ng qu|ck|y l tuckod tho sw|po koy and |anyard |n
my bra. Vaybo l cou|d snoak down and rotr|ovo tho m|ss|ng
papor..
l handod ovor tho c||pboard and cart and shutt|od away
-r|ght |nto |rod. Or 1oromy. Oh. |oy.' l g|ancod ovor
broad shou|dors at tho c|ock hang|ng on tho wa||.
luncht|mo, |sn't |t?' look|ng down l not|cod dark rod
spock||ng tho|r shoos. l tr|od to swa||ow tho rock |n my
throat. l'm not-roa||y-hungry. |omo,' l sa|d, want|ng |t
moro than ovor. 1hoy, ot courso, |od mo to my room.
V|ss G|||manson,' tho subst|tuto nurso ca||od. l th|nk
you torgot somoth|ng..' 3ho hurr|od toward mo.
l gavo hor a b|ank |ook.
1ho koy.'
Oh. Ohhh. 3orry.' 0amn |t. l snakod a hand down my
sh|rt and pu||od out tho |anyard. Vust'vo-gotton caught |n
-'
Your amp|o bosom?' tho sub askod, scott|ng.
Crap. loop|o woro just moan horo. Vooo. And
murdorous. lr|or|t|os, 1oss. lr|or|t|os. Vurdorous was
worso than moan. 3oobs,' l cont|dod. 1hoy got us a|| |n so
much troub|o.'
3ho snortod and took tho koy-and my hopo at
rocovor|ng tho papor-away.
l spont tho rost ot my day soatod on my bod, do|ng what
so many pat|onts d|d.
lock|ng and muttor|ng to myso|t l roa||zod tho porson l
wantod c|osost was tho ono |n tho most dangor trom
1onos's dos|rod oxpor|monts and tho n|ght|y patro|s ot k|||or
dogs.
l wou|dn't r|sk l|otr's satoty any |ongor.
Joaaio
|o was at tho w|ndow, tapp|ng tor my attont|on. Ono
hoartboat botoro tho dogs caught h|s scont, a momont
boyond tho rush ot tho guards.
1hoy m|ght catch h|m. |urt h|m worso than tho day ho
ta||od to koop h|s prom|so, or ho|d h|m |ong onough to
rostra|n h|m, cago h|m . t|o h|m down and shoot h|m up
||ko |armony..
3oat tho w||dnoss trom h|s oyos .
l`o |ovo to got my booos oo o o||-b|ooo, 1onos had
sa| d. 7bo Rosokovo o|pbo. Now bo woo|o bo o prlzo
spoclmoo.
1hoy'd mako h|m th|nk ovon h|s br|ot ||to was tar too
|ong.
l kopt my back to tho w|ndow. 1horo was noth|ng l|otr
cou|d do tor mo r|ght now and at |oast sovon ways l r|skod
h|m by oncourag|ng h|s prosonco. lt was bottor th|s way-
mo on tho |ns|do, cagod, h|m w|th a hopo ot troodom.
Evon |t |t moant troodom w|thout mo.
1ho no|so ot tho dogs rang out, turn|ng on tho n|ght's
broozo, my stomach tw|st|ng |n ocho.
l|otr s|ammod h|s t|st on tho g|ass, ovon h|s powor, h|s
angor, rosu|tod |n on|y a du|| thud.
l|ko my hoart mado |n my chost.
l starod at my uso|oss hands, my t|ngors knott|ng.
Anothor |ns|stont thud.
Why d|dn't ho run?
P|ooso. P|ooso . roo., l boggod, squooz|ng my oyos
t|ght aga|nst tho sound ot tho approach|ng dogs.
0own tho ha|| trom my room a door s|ammod. l wantod
to shr|ok, 1hoy'ro com|ng!' 3ut l d|dn't roact |n caso |t gavo
h|m ono moro hoartboat's worth ot hos|tat|on..
l noodod l|otr sato. And that moant tar trom horo. |rom
mo. l hardonod my hoart aga|nst tho g|ow|ng oyos cutt|ng
|nto my back.
And whon l hoard tho approach|ng dogs turn and raco
ott, to||ow|ng tho|r rotroat|ng proy, l to|| to tho t|oor and cr|od
my hoart out at my botraya|.
Joaaio
1oss|o,' 0ad grootod mo.
|rod-or 1oromy-stood, to||owod by h|s muto
compan|on. 1hoy |umborod away trom tho tab|o, g|v|ng 0ad
and mo somo pr|vacy. Wo huggod, mo ho|d|ng on a ||tt|o b|t
|ongor th|s t|mo and dot|n|to|y a ||tt|o t|ghtor.
0ad t|na||y broko away, h|s taco tu|| ot worry.
|o s||ppod somoth|ng |nto my hand.
A co|| phono.
lt buzzod, v|brat|ng.
3|t down,' 0ad |nstructod. Act norma|. A|ox| sont |t.
looks ||ko a p|oco ot junk, but ho sa|d |t's oxact|y what's
noodod |n thoso c|rcumstancos.'
loa||z|ng any phono A|ox| prov|dod was probab|y
untracoab|o, l oboyod.
lt's l|otr,' ho oxp|a|nod. |o's upsot about |ast n|ght.'
1hank God ho was okay. Upsot, l cou|d doa| w|th. |urt.
0oad? l tought tor tocus.
0ad pu||od out cha|rs and l s||ppod my hands undor tho
tab|o, s|ouch|ng tor a v|ow ot tho phono, and oponod |t. l'm
go|ng to g|vo you an updato on my tavor|to sports toams
and you just nod and roact, okay?'
l noddod. 3ounds abso|uto|y . purgator|a|.' l typod |n
my mossago.
lU sato?
Lo. l 8 you.
l 8 U 2. 0on't como horo aga|n. lrom|so.
lo rosponso. l tr|od aga|n.
lrom|so u won't como horo aga|n.
l try 2 koop prom|sos. |a||od b4. 0on't mako mo
prom|so 2 stay away. = 1 moro ta||uro.
Vy stomach knottod. Evon though thoy woro t|ny |ottors
on a poor|y ||t scroon, thoy moant hugo th|ngs to h|m.
U d|d ur bost. U a|ways do ur bost 4 mo.
loth|ng.
0o ur bost 4 u. 3tay sato.
3ho's dy|ng.
||s |ast sontonco was so s|mp|o and c|oar |t soomod
ho'd wh|sporod |t |n my oar, stoa||ng my broath away.
0ad ra|sod h|s vo|co, oxto|||ng tho v|rtuos ot somo
tootba|| toam's k|ckor.
|avo u soon hor?
0a. last x wont bad|y.
3rry .
God! Why cou|dn't l ho|p h|m w|th th|s th|ng? Why was l
so-bo|p|oss
Can u got 2 hor?
lyot. |oavy guards. 0orok's |ns|do. Watch|ng.
0amn |t,' l snappod. Out |oud.
low, 1oss|o,' 0ad ropr|mandod |n h|s jo||y way, just
'causo thoy d|dn't w|n that gamo doosn't moan wo shou|d
got upsot.'
U havo 2 got hor out.
lo good un|oss ur out 2.
Evon toxt|ng, l|otr had a g|tt tor po|nt|ng out tho obv|ous.
1hoy'd nood my b|ood to mako tho curo.
|ocus on ur mothor. l tocus on mo. 0o what u havo 2 to
got hor out.
got hor out.
loth|ng.
0o what u havo 2. lt w||| work.
|as 2.
l |mag|nod tho sot ot h|s jaw, tho way h|s oyos wou|d
p|nch noar tho br|dgo ot h|s noso roa||z|ng thoro woro no
othor opt|ons and so ||tt|o t|mo.
1|mo was runn|ng out so tast. |or a|most a|| ot thom. 1ho
d|st|nct advantagos ot bo|ng an oborot woro ba|ancod
cruo||y w|th a hugo d|sadvantago. 1hoy woro strongor,
tastor, moro n|mb|o. 1hoy cou|d hoar, scont, and soo bottor
than somoono ||ko mo-s|mp|y human. 3ut tho can|no
aspoct ot tho|r 0lA moant strongth, ag|||ty, and supor|or
sonsos as much as |t moant shortor ||to spans.
3y human standards, l|otr's mom appoarod to bo
m|dd|o-agod. 3ut |ntorna||y, hor ||vor wou|d bo hardon|ng,
hor hoart rac|ng ovon tastor than |ts norma||y rap|d rhythm,
hor artor|os toughon|ng. 3ho'd bo t|ght|ng an ovon hardor
batt|o to koop tho wo|t that a|ways |ongod to c|aw |ts way
out ot hor doop |ns|do. lt sho hadn't boon dangorous
botoro, sho'd bo a gun w|th a ha|r-tr|ggor now.
l|otr and h|s s|b||ngs-wo||, not Cat, sho'd suckod down
tho curo ||ko |t was noth|ng-m|ght ||vo ovon shortor ||vos
bocauso thoy woro tho ottspr|ng ot two tu||-b|oodod
oboroton. lo ono roa||y know what wou|d happon as tho
gonorat|ons progrossod and tho gonot|cs compoundod.
3oth powortu| and po|sonod by tho|r own 0lA, tho
oboroton woro v|ct|ms ot tho|r gonot|c codo.
l |ovo you, l conc|udod.
l want to hoar |t.
U w|||. 3oon.
g2g
l snappod tho co|| shut and nudgod |t aga|nst 0ad's |og,
obscur|ng tho s|ght ot tho phono w|th my hand.
|o shook h|s hoad. Wo||, l just wantod to updato you on
tho sports wor|d. l know how you |ovo that sort ot stutt.'
1hanks, 0ad. l roa||y approc|ato |t.'
l bottor got back to tho tarm,' ho sa|d, r|s|ng.
Uh, yoah. Gooz, |s |t hot |n horo?' l askod, tugg|ng at my
nock||no just onough to pop tho co|| |nto my sh|rt, rost|ng |t |n
my bra.
|a. An omp|o bosom wou|dn't havo |ott room tor such a
c|unky phono. 3coro ono tor tho avorago|y ondowod.
Yoah,' 0ad sa|d. lt |s a ||tt|o toasty,' ho agrood,
swabb|ng at h|s torohoad as |t |t woro dottod w|th
porsp|rat|on. |o huggod mo. l'vo got us a |awyor. |o's
go|ng to push that l was undor duross whon l s|gnod thoso
papors. |o says |t court goos qu|ck|y, ho'|| havo you out |n a
||tt|o moro than a wook.'
Vy hoart |oapod, try|ng to |odgo |n my throat. |ow much
w||| that cost?' l askod, but ho squoozod mo t|ght.
|roodom a|ways comos at a cost, but no pr|co |s too
h|gh. God, 1oss|o, l'm sorry l put you |n horo.'
You d|d what you thought was bost,' l adm|ttod
bogrudg|ng|y.
l had tho vory bost ot |ntont|ons,' ho agrood. l'|| got you
out soon. lt'|| a|| work out.' |o pu||od back trom mo, b||nk|ng
rap|d|y as ho |ookod |nto my own damp oyos.
l noddod sharp|y. lt has to.'
Joaaio
3ack |n my room, l huggod my journa| and thought th|ngs
through. 0ad wou|d work trom a |oga| ang|o to got mo out,
l|otr wou|d work on gott|ng h|s mothor out, and l wou|d try
to bo tho bost ||tt|o pat|ont l cou|d and hopo nobody know
whoro'd l'd boon or, moro |mportant|y, what l'd soon.
lt was ott|c|a|: Wo had somoth|ng that passod tor a p|an.
3ut what l|otr had mont|onod about 0orok's
|nvo|vomont, tho way ho was tuckod sato|y away and
watch|ng th|ngs trom a d|stanco, worr|od mo. l'd known
0orok s|nco l was |n m|dd|o schoo| and had crushod on h|m
start|ng around thon, too. |o was 1unct|on's go|don boy:
tast on tho tootba|| t|o|d, smart, smo|dor|ng|y hot w|th a||-
Amor|can good |ooks. vory popu|ar.
3ut l'd known a|| that botoro tho lusakovas movod |n.
l'd ||vod |n a comtortab|o bubb|o botoro tho worowo|vos
movod |n and l|otr showod mo what ho roa||y was tho n|ght
ot h|s sovontoonth b|rthday. l accoptod th|ngs l cou|d soo
and provo-a|though l rosoarchod th|ngs that dot|od
oxp|anat|on.
l oxpoctod to t|nd worowo|vos |n h|gh schoo| just as
much as l'd oxpoctod to moot tho |ovo ot my ||to thoro.
3o moot|ng l|otr b|ow my m|nd doub|y.
3ut tho wor|d got ovon strangor.
lt tho company had 0orok |n tho|r undorground bunkor,
ho cou|d watch tho worowo|vos com|ng. |o'd dono |t us|ng
my oyos and wo'd dug po|sonod bu||ots out ot Vax and
l|otr as a rosu|t.
0orok's ab|||t|os mado h|m a hugo throat. |o'd
man|pu|atod moro than mo w|th just a touch, |mp|ant|ng and
tuzz|ng momor|os. And ho ju|cod up whon poop|o got
omot|ona|-mak|ng mo a pr|mo targot ot h|s attont|ons
s|nco tho doath ot my mothor. |o cou|d ovon transtor
onorgy trom ono porson to anothor |n a p|nch so ho was
hard to tako |n a t|ght. 3ut what tho company wantod h|m
most tor was h|s romoto v|ow|ng-h|s ab|||ty to soo what
was go|ng on somo p|aco ho wasn't noar.
|o had tho ab|||t|os sp|os droamod ot and a hungor that
mado h|m doub|y dangorous.
1ho phys|ca| connoct|on 0orok mado w|th mo whon wo
datod ampod up h|s v|ow|ng powor. |av|ng mo as a d|roct
and-my stomach tw|stod, romombor|ng, toocbob|o-||nk
to l|otr had boon ||ko g|v|ng 0orok supor-croopy 20 / 20.
l noodod to got out ot horo, and l|otr's mothor noodod
to got out ot tboro. E||m|nat|ng 0orok m|ght bo a nocoss|ty.
CEAP1ER 5EVEN
AIoxi
Wo woro gathor|ng tor broaktast whon l|otr |oanod ovor
tho tab|o to spoak to mo. |o g|ancod back toward tho
ha||way, mak|ng |t c|oar ho know Amy was nowhoro noar
onough to ovorhoar.
Wo cannot wa|t any |ongor. Wo nood ho|p to troo hor.'
l ros|stod tho urgo to roach up and choko h|m tor th|nk|ng
l was wa|t|ng. 1hat bocauso th|ngs appoarod norma|, no
progross was bo|ng mado. l am oxam|n|ng opt|ons.'
lot good onough,' ho sa|d. Wo nood ho|p. low.'
And whoro wou|d you suggost wo got ho|p, ||tt|o
brothor?'
Vax scrapod h|s cha|r back trom tho tab|o.
l|otr |gnorod h|m. 1horo's on|y ono group that has tho
t|ropowor wo nood.'
Our oyos mot and l road h|s |ntont|ons c|oar|y.
0osporato t|mos. 0osporato moasuros. Nyot. Abso|uto|y
not.'
What?' Cat had |oanod |n ovor my shou|dor. l|otr-
who?'
1h|nk, Cat,' Vax sa|d, wh|ch l tound amaz|ng|y |ron|c.
|or oyos w|donod, road|ng tho storn oxpross|ons wo a||
woro. Nyot, l|otr. 1ho Vat|a?' 3ho shook hor hoad,
d|sbo||ov|ng. Why wou|d tboy ho|p us? 1hoy want-'
1hoy want somoth|ng wo havo,' ho sa|d w|th docopt|vo
s|mp||c|ty.
l|otr-no. You cannot,' Cat rop||od.
1h|s d|scuss|on |s ovor. Wo'|| t|nd somo othor way.' Vax
stood.
3|t down,' l|otr commandod.
Vax sat, grumb||ng. |o g|ancod toward tho ha||way,
watch|ng tor Amy as wo||.
3o roasonab|o,' Cat urgod. 1hoy'|| want moro than you
-moro than any ot us-can g|vo.'
Whon d|d wo dotorm|no a ||m|t to what wo'ro w||||ng to
sacr|t|co to troo Vothor?' |o stood and p|ckod up h|s cha|r
just to s|am |t back down. 0|dn't you soo hor? Woro you
not |n tho samo room w|th mo?' |o swung around, tac|ng
oach ot us soparato|y tor a momont, h|s taco t|||od w|th
turmo||.
3o you wou|d do what,' Cat wh|sporod to hor tw|n,
barga|n away your troodom to oarn tho|r ho|p and sot
Vothor troo?'
Lo,' ho sa|d.
A s|mp|o word, |t was |acod w|th a|| l|otr's conv|ct|on.
1hoy can't bo trustod,' Vax rom|ndod h|m.
l stood, stopp|ng back trom tho tab|o-my appot|to tor
broaktast gono botoro any tood was ottorod. 1|rod ot tho
postur|ng, l had troub|o bo||ov|ng what l was about to say.
Vax |s r|ght. 1h|s convorsat|on |s ovor. Wo w||| t|nd anothor
way.'
AIoxi
Approach|ng my room, droad stabbod mo |n tho gut. l'd
c|osod my door, but a narrow band ot ||ght shono trom
around |t. lns|do, somoono rust|od through my bo|ong|ngs. l
ho|d my broath, carotu| not to g|vo warn|ng ot my prosonco.
Vy tra|n|ng sorvod mo wo|| as l cropt w|th my back to tho
wa|| and rostod my shou|dor aga|nst tho doorjamb.
1h|s was a part ot bo|ng a d|sp|acod a|pha that l hatod-
no |ongor hav|ng r|ghts |n my own homo. What aro you
do|ng?'
l|otr jumpod, caught.
l tought back tho sm||o tugg|ng at my ||ps. l had surpr|sod
an a|pha. |unny how that porkod my ta|||ng ogo.
|o c|osod my buroau's drawor.
lt you noodod to borrow socks.'
3ut wo both know what had brought h|m horo. lt was not
my sonso ot docor, nor my road|ng mator|a|, though a
so|oct|on ot my magaz|nos was scattorod bo|d|y across tho
bod.
Cathor|no wou|d havo thrown a t|t had sho soon thom,
proach|ng to mo about tho oxp|o|tat|on ot womon, not
bo||ov|ng that l, ot courso, road such magaz|nos tor tho
art|c|os. 1ho boaut|tu| womon |ns|do moro|y broko tho toxt
|n an appoa||ng tash|on. l|otr road |oss luss|an than l d|d,
so ho suro|y suspoctod tho magaz|nos had anothor uso.
Vy oyos rostod on tho moss ho'd mado. l c|oarod my
throat. Or |t you noodod to borrow somoth|ng o|so.'
|o to||owod my gazo and, soo|ng tho magaz|nos,
b|ushod.
l snortod. Vlrglo was moro than a powortu| 3r|t|sh
company.
l nood |ntormat|on, A|ox|.'
l cou|d not ros|st, hav|ng h|m on tho ropos. l |oanod
torward and ho|d a magaz|no out to h|m. l thought thoy
taught tho b|rds and tho boos |n schoo|.'
||s oyobrows |oworod. l b|t tho |ns|do ot my chooks to
koop trom |augh|ng at how uncomtortab|o a s|mp|o
magaz|no mado h|m: tho lusakova a|pha.
Around a catch |n h|s vo|co, ho sa|d, l nood a namo.'
l throw tho magaz|no down, rutt||ng pagos. Nyot.'
Who o|so can wo turn to?' ho askod, t||t|ng h|s hoad to
oxam|no mo |n h|s can|no way. What othor opt|on do wo
havo?'
Wo w||| t|nd anothor opt|on.' l jabbod a t|ngor at tho door
and pu||od up ovory ounco ot a|pha l had |n mo. l w||| not |ot
my brothor |ndobt h|mso|t to tho mob.'
||s nostr||s t|arod and ho ra|sod h|s ch|n |n dot|anco, but
ho |ott my room, s|amm|ng tho door boh|nd h|m.
A||o, |ad|os,' l wh|sporod, gathor|ng tho magaz|nos up
carotu||y and rop|ac|ng thom |n tho box undornoath my bod:
a box aga|n start|ng to accumu|ato dust. As l c|osod thom
away onco moro |n tho|r cardboard tomb l roa||zod, as
boaut|tu| as thoy woro, thoy pa|od to noth|ng but ag|ng
papor bos|do ladozhda.
AIoxi
Wh||o l hurr|od|y rosoarchod opt|ons and contomp|atod tho
u|cor probab|y tostor|ng |n my gut, Vax had takon somo
|n|t|at|vo.
Como on, boaut|tu|,' Vax coaxod trom tho door that
oponod |nto tho Ouoon Anno toyor.
l |ookod up trom tho nowspapor |n a m|x ot cur|os|ty and
d|sgust. Watch|ng Amy and Vax togothor was a rom|ndor l
had tho tu|| |oga| r|ght to got b||nd-drunk on choap vodka
and craw| |nto a dark cornor |n my own homo. |u|| |oga|
r|ght and troquont mot|vat|on, tho way thoy wont at |t.
l snappod tho nowspapor up to b|ock my v|ow ot tho|r
t||rt|ng. And k|ss|ng. And |nov|tab|o paw|ng.
C|A RECORD5 5EOW EXPEND|1uRE5 DOWN~PuBL|C
APPROVAL uP"
Expond|turos down? |ow was that poss|b|o |t thoy'd
oxpandod oporat|ons w|th th|ngs ||ko tho bunkor thoy'd bu||t
|n 1unct|on? Vaybo Wanda was r|ght.
What |t .
l don't know why wo had to go so tar out ot 1unct|on just
tor mo to run,' Amy comp|a|nod. l ||ko tho tra|| that goos out
by tho co||ogo.'
Your ox knows that courso. |o usod to run |t, oo'
0aaa. Yosss,' sho h|ssod. 3ut that doosn't moan ho
st||| doos.' |or jackot rust|od as sho hung |t up. l want to bo
ab|o to run |n my homotown.'
l want you to bo ab|o to run sato|y.'
1osus, Vax! You'ro mak|ng th|s |nto such a b|g doa|.
Yos. l datod Varv|n. Yos. |o h|t mo-'
Vax hunchod h|s shou|dors, g|owor|ng at tho thought.
3ut l koow that. l was thoro!' |or toot stompod aga|nst
tho rug. lot |oud onough, sho took a stop and stompod |t
aga|n on tho baro hardwood.
l shook tho papor aga|n, a rom|ndor l was st||| prosont.
Evon try|ng to road.
1hoy |gnorod mo, pross|ng on.
l don't know what you oxpoct, but you nood to stop
dragg|ng mo tarthor and tarthor trom town just to got my
runn|ng |n.' A to||ta|o croak warnod tho basomont door was
opon|ng. And,' hor vo|co |oworod. l havo no tr|kk|n' c|uo
why you to|t tho nood to poo ovory coup|o hundrod yards-'
l b|t my ||p, roa||z|ng why Vax was dragg|ng Amy out so
tar trom our norma| por|motor.
3ut maybo you nood to-obm-got that chockod.
1horo may bo somoth|ng-wroog.'
l chokod.
1ho door c|osod and sho rotroatod down tho sta|rs,
a|ono.
|o|d|ng tho nowspapor, l g|ancod at Vax. Whon aro you
go|ng to to|| hor tho truth?'
|o crossod h|s arms ovor h|s chost and w|donod h|s
stanco.
You aro go|ng to to|| hor tho truth. Lo'
|o co||apsod |nto a cha|r across tho tab|o trom mo. l
can't t|nd a traco ot any othors,' ho contossod. Wo'vo
to||owod tho ma|n road out ot 1unct|on. l ovon took hor to
our o|d hunt|ng grounds. 1horo's no scont. lo s|gn.'
l torcod myso|t to koop |ook|ng |n h|s oyos. Wo know |t
was a vory good poss|b|||ty thoro'd bo no moro ot us.'
||s oyos narrowod.
Ot yoo,' l corroctod. W|th a|| tho nows covorago ot tho
lhantom Wo|vos ot |arth|ngton l wou|d havo thought |t
othors wootoo to t|nd you . maybo nono want to t|nd you
bocauso that oquatos to tbom bo|ng tound.'
Wo nood backup. Wo can't do th|s a|ono.'
You th|nk l don't know th|s?'
What othor opt|ons do wo havo?'
Vy brow wr|nk|od. lono l want to cons|dor.' l had boon
th|nk|ng a |ot about opt|ons, w||d poss|b|||t|os, and dramat|c
ta||uros rosu|t|ng |n mu|t|p|o doaths. 1ho ono opt|on l st|||
toyod w|th |n tho darkost hours ot oar|y morn|ng was tho
ono l was |oast w||||ng to ut|||zo. lumor|ca||y |t was
p|aus|b|o. 3ut to w|n w|th tho numbors moant |os|ng
somoth|ng |rrop|acoab|o.
Vothor wou|d novor agroo |t sho know.
lo connoct|ons spr|ng to m|nd..'
|o was tost|ng mo.
What wou|d you havo mo say? Who wou|d you soo mo
sacr|t|co?' Vy thumb smudgod tho nowspr|nt. l am no
|ongor worthy-you undorstand? 1hoy don't want mo.' l
ra|sod my oyos to h|s aga|n, hoart hammor|ng as wo
|ockod gazos. And you, ooor brotbor, aro not known to bo
tho so|t-sacr|t|c|ng typo.'
1ho s||onco botwoon us hung th|ck as tho m|st that
c|oakod 1unct|on's h|||s oach |ato autumn morn|ng.
Vax |ookod away.
l took a broath, not roa||z|ng l'd boon ho|d|ng |t. You
undorstand. 1horo |s no answor to g|vo.'
||s brow |oworod, g|v|ng h|s toaturos a bruta| odgo.
3ho th|nks somoth|ng's wrong w|th you.'
And you d|d mo a groat sorv|co by not agroo|ng.'
What aro brothors tor?'
|o snortod.
Wo aro brothors, Vax.'
|o stood. You can chango your'-ho wr|nk|od h|s noso
- your co|ogno. low that wo a|| know, tho |m|tat|on ot our
natura| scont on|y annoys mo.'
l ||ko tho scont. lt rom|nds mo ot our paronts.'
lono ot |t's yours to ||ko.' |o turnod and |ott, stomp|ng
up tho sta|rs as angr||y as Amy had stompod down tho
othors.
lt was as our poop|o sa|d: lt tokos two boots to moko o
polr. And thoy woro qu|to a match.
CEAP1ER E|CE1
Joaaio
l|otr d|dn't v|s|t that n|ght. As g|ad as l was that ho was
sato, l m|ssod soo|ng h|m. 3o as soon as l cou|d strotch
and yawn onough to soom conv|nc|ng, l cur|od up w|th my
back to tho camora and, sh|mmy|ng tho co|| phono out trom
undor my p|||ow, turnod |t on.
W|th no chargor, l to|t a g||mmor ot what l|otr must havo
to|t rogu|ar|y. 1|mo was short. l had to mako oach momont
count.
l|otr, l toxtod. l 8 u. V|ss u. 0on't como horo. 3ut know l'||
droam ot u.
l turnod ott tho co|| and t||ppod |t shut, s||pp|ng |t back
bonoath my p|||ow and cur||ng |nto a ba||, ordor|ng s|oop to
g|vo mo droams ot l|otr.
Joaaio
1ho torost was dark, co|d, strang||ng |n tho grasp ot an
unsoasonab|y co|d autumn unw||||ng to comm|t to w|ntor's
snowy and mutt||ng b|ankot. l stumb|od torward, hoad|ng tor
tho tow croak|ng sw|ngs that spun ott tho o|d park's
sw|ngsot's bo||y, tw|st|ng and squoa||ng |n tho w|nd.
l grabbod a sw|ng and sat, tho soat croakod bonoath
mo. l wa|tod. Vy hoart poundod |n my chost, rocogn|z|ng
tho tact but unab|o to dot|no what l wa|tod tor |n words that
cou|d dr|tt to my bra|n, carr|od by my pu|s|ng b|ood.
3omoth|ng sk|mmod tho shadows, somoth|ng dark and
gr|m and boaut|tu|, ghost|ng a|ong and toas|ng tho dapp|od
moon||ght as |t stayod just boyond roach-just boyond tho
brush ot star||ght's subt|o t|ngors.
l|otr,' l broathod, somoth|ng doopor than phys|ca|
rocogn|t|on push|ng h|s namo trom my ||ps as |t pushod my
hoart |nto my th|ckon|ng throat.
And thon ho was botoro mo, |oan and |ovo|y, c|oakod |n
n|ght's sk|ttor|ng shadow. At onco too boaut|tu| and w||d tor
moon||ght to daro touch h|m and yot so proud and powortu|,
how cou|d ovon coo| moon||ght ros|st? 3otoro mo, h|s
|mago stuttorod, ono momont wo|t, tho noxt momont not-
h|s sp|r|t oqua||y both and nono at tho samo t|mo.
l stood, ro|oas|ng tho sw|ng's cha|ns, my hands numb
trom whoro my t|ngors had prossod tho ||nks so doop
thoy'd ongravod my pa|ms.
3oh|nd mo tho sw|ngs scroamod, mota| grat|ng and
how||ng as cha|ns tw|stod |n tho samo broozo that tuggod
my ha|r out around my taco, toas|ng my v|s|on w|th l|otr's
|mago and thon noth|ng. l wronchod tho ha|r back trom my
oyos, hunt|ng and hungry tor anothor g||mpso ot h|m.
|o t|||od my v|s|on and l gaspod at h|s noarnoss, hoat
wash|ng across mo, rad|at|ng ott h|s smooth sk|n. 1ho tr|g|d
st|ng ot ta|| was torgotton, w|ntor but a woak|y wh|sporod
rumor as l|otr wrappod mo |n h|s arms and crushod h|s
hungry ||ps to m|no.
Joaaio
1ho morn|ng shutt|o to broaktast was agon|z|ng. Vy hoad
throbbod and my m|nd racod. l chookod my p|||s, got
jabbod tor b|ood, and my stomach robo||od whon tacod w|th
what passod tor tood. l pushod |t around my tray, bu||d|ng
strango shapos w|th |t.
3o. 1oromy. |rod,' l addrossod tho s||ont hu|ks. |rod.
1oromy.' l sw|tchod tho tacos tho namos corrospondod
w|th. lot so much as a b||nk ot roact|on. 0|d namos mattor
to zomb|os? 1hoy woro ||ko-undoad, r|ght?
Vaybo ||v|ng |mpa|rod? l|to-ab|od? 1horo was bound to
bo a po||t|ca||y corroct, so|t-att|rm|ng torm tor ovory brand ot
strango th|ng prow||ng 1unct|on.
1ho tact l wondorod mado mo ovon moro corta|n l
noodod to got out ot locan l|aco. |ast.
3ut who o|so was thoro to ta|k to-uh-ta|k ot?
Aro you happy? l moan, sor|ous|y happy? Whon you
|ook at your ||to-orm-your oxlstooco-do you say-yop.
1h|s |s whoro l want to bo r|ght now? 3ocauso, honost|y,
th|s'-l wavod tho bastard|zat|on ot a spoon and a tork
around to symbo||zo oncompass|ng tho ont|ro tac|||ty-'was
not a stop l'd schodu|od on tho agonda ot my ||to.'
You no|thor, huh?' A tray c||nkod down on tho tab|o.
|rod and 1oromy br|st|od a momont, thon ro|axod. 1ho
samo guy l'd soon watch|ng mo stood just across tho tab|o
trom mo. Vay l?' ho askod, mot|on|ng to tho soat.
Yoah. Whatovor. l'm a|most dono.'
1hat's too bad,' ho sa|d. l was hop|ng to ta|k.' |o
|ookod around tho room, oyos paus|ng on tho gradua||y
|ncroas|ng numbor ot poop|o who sat, o|thor tranq-od up or
rostra|nod, a|dos spoon|ng a|most tho samo amount ot
tood |n that sp|||od out ot tho|r s|ack-jawod mouths. You
soom most ||ko|y to bo capab|o ot ho|d|ng up your ond ot a
convorsat|on.'
l b||nkod at h|m.
l'm Chr|st|an.'
Congratu|at|ons. l'm Undoc|dod.'
|o chuck|od. Vy oomo`s Chr|st|an.'
Ah. l wondorod why you woro announc|ng yourso|t
accord|ng to ro||g|ous att|||at|on but horo'-l g|ancod
around tho room moan|ngtu||y-'you novor know oxact|y
wbot poop|o th|nk's most |mportant.'
||s sm||o w|donod |nto a gr|n. |o appoarod noar|y sano.
Appooroo. Appoarancos woron't ovoryth|ng . and l st|||
got that v|bo that somoth|ng just wasn't qu|to r|ght w|th h|m.
Go t|guro. lt was ||ko l was |n an asy|um or somoth|ng.
3o shou|d l adjust my standards basod on |ocat|on? l
pausod, ||ston|ng to tho warn|ng buzz|ng |n tho back ot my
hoad.
l'd say n|co to moot you,' l conc|udod, but l'd protor to
rosorvo judgmont on that unt|| tho statomont sooms
just|t|ab|o. 1oss|ca.'
Charm|ng,' ho sa|d w|th obv|ous sarcasm. 3ut vory
|og|ca| cons|dor|ng |ocat|on and c|rcumstancos. l'|| br|dgo
tho gap and g|vo you tho bonot|t ot tho doubt. lt's n|co to
moot you, 1oss|ca. l'|| ovon go so tar as say|ng l hopo to
soo you |ator today.'
1hat's on|y bocauso l don't droo| on myso|t. lorma||y.'
|o shruggod. Wo a|| adjust our standards horo.'
l narrowod my oyos at h|m. lo. lot mo. Adjust|ng my
standards to|t ||ko |ott|ng my guard down.
lot's go, boys,' l sa|d to |rod and 1oromy and wo
hoadod down tho ha|| so l cou|d start |aundry dota||.
Joaaio
3ack |n 0r. 1onos's t|rst-t|oor ott|co-l had to prosumo sho
had somoth|ng s|m||ar |n tho basomont, too-l was borod
w|th tho samo ||no ot quost|ons ovory soss|on. Voro than
somo thorapout|c rotroat, locan l|aco to|t ||ko a ho|d|ng
tank ot somo sort.
|ow aro you do|ng today, 1oss|ca?'
l stuck w|th our p|an, bohav|ng and wa|t|ng on 0ad's
|awyor. lrotty wo||. l'vo boon try|ng to th|nk th|ngs out
bottor. 1o havo moro ta|th that what poop|o aro try|ng to do
|s |n my bost |ntorost.'
0r. 1onos noddod.
l'vo boon journa||ng. 3|nco thoro's noth|ng to road,' l
h|ntod, th|nk|ng about tho tact sho st||| had tho book l|otr
had |ntondod tor mo, Blsc|ovrot.
3ho scr|bb|od down a noto.
You'vo boon qu|to pro||t|c w|th your wr|t|ng.' 3ho pu||od
somoth|ng out ot hor drawor. 1oromy and |rod brought th|s
trom your room.'
Vy journa|. Okay,' l sa|d s|ow|y. 0|d you road |t?'
Ot courso.' 3ho pausod, |ook|ng up trom my journa| to
staro stra|ght |nto my oyos. You don't ||ko mo.'
l pausod. lt you actua||y bo||ovod my wr|t|ng you'd t|guro
l don't ||ko many poop|o.'
Excopt l|otr.'
Oh. God. Evory b|t ot my oxposod sk|n turnod sunburn
rod. l'd boon vory-||bora|-co|ortu|-possloooto-about
oxpross|ng my too||ngs tor l|otr. l |ovo l|otr,' l sa|d,
just|ty|ng my wr|t|ng w|th tho b|ankot adm|tta|.
Aro you m|ss|ng monta| st|mu|at|on horo?'
Yos. And my tam||y. And tr|onds.'
3ho s||d tho journa| out ot hor way and t||ppod a pago on
tho c||pboard. |rod and 1oromy a|so roportod that you
spoko to ono ot our nowost c||onts: young Vr. Chr|st|an
Vastorson. What aro your |mpross|ons ot h|m?'
Why? Aro you |ook|ng tor a now d|agnos|s?'
3omot|mos c||onts who aron't a good m|x w||| m|x,
anyway. lt's bost |t wo |dont|ty potont|a| prob|oms
|mmod|ato|y.'
l don't torosoo us m|x|ng.'
Ono ot hor portoct|y scu|ptod oyobrows roso. |mm.
|oro's tho book tho boy |ott tor you. And your journa|. l want
you to wr|to about your too||ngs rogard|ng tho doath ot your
mothor tor a tow ontr|os. 3|nco tbot |s our tocus horo.'
||no,' l sa|d, tak|ng Blsc|ovrot and tho journa| and
hoad|ng tor tho door.
And 1oss|ca, |t you do wo|| thoso noxt tow days, l'||
arrango tor you to havo a moro pr|vato room.'
W|thout a camora?'
Yos, 1oss|ca. Camora-troo.'
Joaaio
1hat ovon|ng l sat on my bod, c|osod my oyos, and
v|sua||zod shoot|ng, ro|||ng Wanda's woapon adv|co around
|n my hoad. l wou|d bo out ot horo soon. And wo'd put tho
p|an to troo l|otr's mothor |nto act|on. Whatovor tho p|an
was now. l noodod to bo roady to ho|p tho poop|o l |ovod.
l changod tor bod-a protty r|d|cu|ous |doa cons|dor|ng
tho samo tash|on opt|ons woro ava||ab|o both day and
n|ght. 3||pp|ng |nto my bod, l pu||od tho covors up and
grabbod tho co||. l d|a|od l|otr's numbor, want|ng to hoar
h|s vo|co. 3tra|ght to vo|co ma||.
l|otr, l'm sorry. l know th|ngs aro crazy.' l pausod,
not|ng tho |rony. l just wantod to hoar your vo|co. 3o |t's
okay that l'm go|ng to r|ng stra|ght through to your vo|co
ma|| aga|n |n a momont. At |oast |t's somoth|ng. l |ovo you.'
l rod|a|od.
You havo roachod tho vo|co ma|| ot l|otr lusakova,'
tho rocordod vo|co purrod. loavo a mossago.'
l s||d tho phono away, ho|d|ng tho sound ot h|s vo|co |n
my hoad as |ong as l cou|d botoro s|oop snatchod |t trom
mo.
CEAP1ER N|NE
AIoxi
l|otr had dr|ttod |nto my room sovora| t|mos a|roady to
carotu||y p|ck through my bo|ong|ngs and noar|y as carotu||y
put thom back. |o grow |ncroas|ng|y s||ckor w|th h|s ab|||ty
to |oavo th|ngs |ook|ng untouchod, but l had an oyo tor
dota||s-and know how to sot th|ngs to soo |t thoy'd boon
d|sturbod.
|o'd boon work|ng h|s way mothod|ca||y |n a c|ockw|so
mannor so l know what roma|nod tor h|m to soarch.
And l know ho'd novor t|nd what ho was sook|ng.
Ono d|dn't |oavo a Vat|a contact's numbor s|tt|ng out.
3ut ho had no way to got |t trom whoro tho |ntormat|on
was tru|y storod-|n my bra|n. And l d|dn't want to wa|t tor
h|m to grow dosporato onough to roa||zo and try to t|nd |t
thoro.
3o|ng a coward had savod my ||to botoro.
|o was so young at such a d|shonost gamo. 3ut as
young and now as ho was, ho was a|so r|ght.
Wo cou|d not troo Vothor by ourso|vos. And thoro was
no othor group w||||ng to ho|p us.
As l tuckod tho sma|| b|ack notobook |nto a soct|on ot my
c|osot yot untouchod by l|otr l prayod that bo|ng a wrotchod
brothor w||||ng to sacr|t|co l|otr to tho mob l m|ght yot
bocomo a bottor son-ab|o to troo tho on|y mothor l'd ovor
tru|y known. And tho on|y porson st||| ||v|ng who'd ovor tru|y
known mo.
Joaaio
l woko to tho buzz|ng ot tho co|| phono as |t tromb|od bos|do
my hand. l cou|dn't romombor turn|ng |t on. Wary ot tho
camora, l oponod tho co|| and put |t botwoon my oar and
tho p|||ow.
1oss.'
Oh, God, l|otr!' l noar|y sat up, but tought down any
roact|on that m|ght to|ograph tho truth to tho camora. l |ovo
you.'
You havo an odd way ot show|ng |t,' ho roturnod,
turn|ng your back to mo so tho dogs noar|y caught mo.' l
hoard tho cornor ot h|s mouth turn up, tho sm||o
unm|stakab|o |n h|s tono. |o'd a|roady torg|von mo,
know|ng why l'd dono |t. l |ovo you, too,' ho sa|d w|th a
s|gh. l had to ca||. 1oss.'
What?'
1horo's noth|ng Vax and l can do to troo hor..'
A|ox| and Cat,' l rom|ndod h|m.
Nyot. 1horo's no othor cho|co. l'm go|ng tor ho|p. l
shou|dn't bo |ong..'
What? Whoro?'
lot tar. 3ut l may bo out ot touch..'
lo, l|otr. 0on't cut mo out.'
l cou|d not cut you out |t l wantod to,' ho sa|d, h|s vo|co
t|ght. |ow wou|d l ||vo |t l cut out my hoart?'
Vy broath caught.
You'vo dono wo|| w|thout mo. You'ro a surv|vor. Evon
whon th|ngs soom |mposs|b|o, you ho|d on to hopo. l nood
you to havo a ||tt|o moro ta|th |n mo-'
l havo a|| tho ta|th |n tho wor|d |n you,' l contossod.
lorosbow. Good. 1hon havo ta|th |n my cho|cos and
trust l'|| como back tor you. 3oon.'
And thon thoro was just tho ocho ot s||onco com|ng back
to mo. Lommlt. l tossod and turnod tho rost ot tho n|ght,
|mag|n|ng a mu|t|tudo ot horr|b|o sconar|os. 1ho worst
a|ways ondod w|th l|otr doad.
And a|| my hopos ot happ|noss d|od a|ongs|do h|m.
CEAP1ER 1EN
AIoxi
l was not surpr|sod whon l|otr announcod ho was go|ng
hunt|ng |ato that ovon|ng, l was p|oasod.
l watchod h|m |oavo, saw Vax s||nk ott attor Amy was
as|oop, and caught tho smo|| ot popcorn.
Cat omorgod w|th a bow| br|mm|ng w|th tho stutt, ||ght on
buttor but hoavy w|th sa|t. 1hough sho no |ongor huntod and
no |ongor changod, sho st||| cravod tho occas|ona| |ato-
n|ght snack, ospoc|a||y whon sho know hor brothors woro
roam|ng tho o|d abandonod park and noarby woods
|ook|ng tor proy.
l cou|dn't bo suro |t |t was a psycho|og|ca| nood or a
phys|ca| ono st||| ||nkod to hor twoakod gonot|c codo. l on|y
know sho comp|a|nod about |t troquont|y.
3tud|os havo shown poop|o tond to put on moro wo|ght
|t thoy snack attor sovon |n tho ovon|ng.' 3ho sott|od onto
tho couch bos|do mo. And horo l am, sovontoon and
starv|ng at noar|y m|dn|ght! l am too young to havo my body
ru|nod by tho t|nkor|ng your grandtathor d|d.'
Lo,' l sa|d. lodd|ng, l changod tho channo|.
l am gott|ng tattor.'
1o got tattor you must t|rst bo ot,' l po|ntod out,
sw|tch|ng channo|s aga|n. You aro not ovon approach|ng
p|ump.'
What aro wo go|ng to do, A|ox|?' sho askod.
You aro go|ng to pass mo tho popcorn and wo aro
go|ng to watch somo horr|b|o |ntomorc|a| on a channo| that
has ombracod cap|ta||sm boyond a|| roason,' l sa|d,
roach|ng tor tho bow|.
Nyot,' sho sa|d.
l |ookod at hor.
What aro wo go|ng to do about Vothor?'
1ho couch to|t suddon|y too sott to bo comtortab|o, so l
tuggod myso|t troo ot |t and handod hor tho romoto.
A|ox|.'
l do not know, Cathor|no. l do not know.' l |ott tho room
and hoadod tor my own |nstoad. l stra|ghtonod somo th|ngs
-tr|nkots and junk-and thon thought ot tho sma|| notobook
l had |ott |ntont|ona||y |n l|otr's way.
l oponod tho c|osot and movod a shoobox as|do.
Gono.
lootlog, ho had c|a|mod.
l|otr had ||od.
l sat down w|th a s|gh on my bod, p|ay|ng w|th my ||ghtor
and wa|t|ng tor h|s |nov|tab|o, and angry, roturn.
AIoxi
You know,' l|otr accusod mo trom my bodroom's opon
door.
l t||ppod tho ||ghtor c|osod and |ookod at h|m. Lo. Ot
courso l know. l havo p|ayod th|s gamo tar |ongor than you
havo.' l stud|od h|m, not|ng tho bru|sos hoa||ng on h|s taco.
l hardonod my hoart. lt tho|r |n|t|a| rojoct|on cou|d chango
h|s m|nd l wou|d know l had at |oast gono as tar-pushod
as hard-as l cou|d.
lt wou|d bo l|otr who stoppod tho |nsan|ty.
You woro not wo|comod,' l sa|d coo||y, touch|ng a t|ngor
to my chook so ho know l saw h|s battorod ono.
Ot courso l was not wo|comod,' ho snappod. You know
that, too, though, d|dn't you?'
Lo.'
Why, A|ox|? Why wasto my t|mo?'
ln hopos |t |s onough to savo your sou|. 1h|s |s no gamo
thoso mon p|ay. lt thoy want you, thoy w||| want to koop you
unt|| you'ro no |ongor ot uso. Or unt|| you botray thom. And
thon thoy'|| st||| want you-but oooo.'
Vy soo| What about our mothor's |lo'
l w|ncod. Oor mothor's. lt was odd how d|ttoront ho and
Vax cou|d bo. 3amo b|ood||no, samo gonot|c codo and
upbr|ng|ng, and yot-thoro woro th|ngs sc|onco cou|d not
account tor.
What |t wo can st||| savo hor?'
What |t. What |t!' l stood, angor stra|ghton|ng my sp|no.
Wo don't know tho curo w||| do hor any good. And wo don't
havo any moro b|ood to mako tho curo. What |t sho t|nds
out what you'ro th|nk|ng? What thon, ||tt|o brothor? You saw
what sho thought ot mo-tho lusakova ootcost-tak|ng a
bu||ot tor hor. lt turnod hor stomach! What wou|d sho th|nk ot
a p|an |nc|ud|ng hor youngost son and tho Vat|a?'
l don't know,' l|otr barkod. 3ut at |oast wo'd havo t|mo
to ask hor and t|nd out!'
0amn |t, l|otr.'
l nood a propor |ntroduct|on, don't l?'
Lo.'
1hon arrrango |t,' ho commandod, ro|||ng tho words |nto
a soam|oss grow|.
1ho ||tt|o b|ack book struck mo |n tho chost as ho strodo
out tho door.
Joaaio
l d|d |aundry dota|| and roturnod to my room to road unt|| |t
was t|mo tor my soss|on. 1hon l roturnod and road somo
moro. load|ng Blsc|ovrot l ga|nod a bottor undorstand|ng
ot l|otr's dosporat|on to bo undorstood, to bo accoptod
a|though ho strugg|od to accopt h|mso|t.
Blsc|ovrot was ovory b|t tho tragody l|otr hopod to
avo|d. And whoroas tho horo |n Blsc|ovrot had yoars to w|n
h|s w|to's trust and |ovo, |t took momonts tor hor to doc|do
to botray h|m.
l|otr'd novor had tho |uxury ot such a |ongthy t|mo ||no to
t|nd somoono to undorstand h|m. ||s ||to was dost|nod to
bo cut short |t ho cont|nuod to rotuso tho curo.
And ho wou|d cont|nuo to rotuso unt|| h|s mothor was
troo.
3o to too| so doop|y tor mo so qu|ck|y and r|sk h|s hoart
by show|ng h|mso|t-a movo that m|ght havo mado most
g|r|s agroo ho was noth|ng but a monstor-took roa| guts.
1hat n|ght, w|th on|y a tow chaptors |ott to road |n
Blsc|ovrot, l choso to try and bo as bravo as l|otr. l sot
as|do tho novo|, p|ckod up my journa|, and wroto about
|os|ng my mom.
About tho |ast t|mo l'd soon hor botoro tho acc|dont.
1ho t|ght wo'd had.
And tho tact l roa||y bo||ovod oboy|ng hor tho vory |ast
t|mo l'd soon hor had boon tho b|ggost m|stako ot my ||to.
Whon l t|n|shod, my oyos stung. Exhaustod, l craw|od
|nto bod and chockod tho phono. lo mossago. 3ut l was
corta|n that whatovor l|otr was do|ng, whorovor ho was, ho
was okay.
|o had to bo.
CEAP1ER ELEVEN
AIoxi
l had consumod so much vodka botwoon l|otr's rojoct|on,
my roquost ot an |ntroduct|on, and tho actua| ovont l was
amazod l was not yot b||nd. Vy hoad achod and ovon tho
scont ot tood sont mo |nto hoavos. l pattod tho c|garottos
aga|n |n my pockot. 3o s|ook, sma||, and potont|a||y doad|y.
What was bottor whon choos|ng ono's doath, l wondorod,
tho hack|ng and whooz|ng ot ru|nod |ungs or tho hardon|ng
ot a vodka-soakod ||vor?
loor|ng through tho w|ndsh|o|d |nto tho dark l roa||zod at
tho rato th|ngs woro go|ng, l wou|dn't ||vo to soo o|thor
cho|co tako |ts t|na| to||.
l|d|ng shotgun was l|otr, tho so|o roason l was horo,
sobor and s|ckonod-by my own w||||ngnoss to sacr|t|co
h|m at |oast as much as by any dr|nk.
l turnod tho stoor|ng whoo| and wo hoadod down a
pockmarkod d|rt road. Our dost|nat|on |oomod ahoad-an
o|d dump|ng ground tor tar moro than tho wrocks ot cars
that toworod haphazard|y throughout tho dump.
Any adv|co?' l|otr askod mo.
Lo. 1o|| mo to turn tho car around.'
l can't do that.'
l do not th|nk you know what you'ro gott|ng |nto, ||tt|o
brothor,' l wh|sporod, roach|ng across to opon tho g|ovo
box.
l|otr baro|y tw|tchod whon l pu||od out tho gun. lt thoy
t|nd that on you-'
l guoss wo'ro both tak|ng somo r|sks.' l poppod out tho
gun's c||p, s||d my t|ngor a|ong tho s|ot w|ndow|ng tho
rounds, sp|nn|ng oach a quartor turn, roassur|ng myso|t.
1h|s was a|| about th|ngs go|ng smooth|y. l chamborod tho
t|rst round. 1hoy'|| want a show. 1h|ngs w||| got b|oody.'
|rom tho cornors ot my oyos l not|cod tho way h|s
Adam's app|o s||d |n h|s throat as ho swa||owod, tak|ng |n
my words. lorvous. lt l not|cod, thoy m|ght not|co, too.
lt wou|d bo ||ko b|ood |n tho wator.
1o|| mo to turn tho car around.'
3ut wo both know what h|s answor was go|ng to bo-
what |t had to bo. And l was onough ot a bastard l was
roady to sacr|t|co my youngost brothor to ga|n ovon a th|n
chanco at troo|ng my mothor.
Nyot.' ||s oyos c|osod.
|o was th|nk|ng. Ot what? Or whom? 1oss|o? 1horo aro
somo th|ngs-somo a|||ancos and cho|cos, you may not
ovor bo torg|von tor. logard|oss ot how torg|v|ng tho g|r|
sooms.'
l'|| doa| w|th tho ta||out attor Vothor's out. l havo to .
pr|or|t|zo. 1horo aro a|ways othor g|r|s, aron't thoro?' ho
askod, h|s ||ps tw|st|ng |n a cyn|ca| sm||o that m|rrorod tho
ono l turnod so otton on tho wor|d.
A car pu||od |nto tho aroa ahoad ot us trom a d|ttoront
ontranco. lt stoppod, st||| a d|stanco ott, and tacod us. lts
hoad||ghts b||nkod tw|co. 1hon throo moro cars jo|nod |t.
l kopt my vo|co stoady. Nyot,' l cont|dod. 3omot|mos
thoro |s on|y ono g|r|.'
|o g|ancod at mo. 3ut on|y br|ot|y. l thought th|s was to
bo a sma|| moot|ng.' |o mot|onod w|th h|s ch|n to tho
wa|t|ng cars.
l t||ckod our ||ghts ott and on, answor|ng tho|r summons,
as my stomach ro||od. A sma|| moot|ng about a b|g doa|,' l
muttorod. lt's not ovory day tho Vat|a gots oxact|y what |t's
boon want|ng.' 1horo woro moro cars than ovon l'd
ant|c|patod.
1hon |ot's g|vo |t to thom. Got th|s ovor w|th. lot's mako
th|s doa|.'
l noddod. |o||ow my |oad and stay coo|.' Opon|ng my
door, l s||d out ot tho car.
3r|ot|y b||ndod by tho g|aro ot hoad||ghts, l roa||zod |t th|s
d|dn't go just r|ght |t moant tho ond ot tho both ot us.
Ou|ck|y. And w|thout us tho Vat|a wou|d too| ovon |oss
roason to pauso |n go|ng tor Vax and Cat.. A k|dnapp|ng
wou|d bo qu|otor w|thout tho throat ot an a|pha |n tho houso.
1horo woro th|ngs l hadn't darod to|| l|otr. |o noodod to
bo as natura| as poss|b|o. lt l'd to|d h|m how l oxpoctod th|s
to go down ho'd havo ovorana|yzod th|ngs. And ono
momont troo ot puro |nst|nct-a hoartboat's worth ot
thought-ot roca|||ng what you'd bo||ovod was tho r|ght
doc|s|on whon you ran tho sconar|o through your m|nd: lt
bocamo tho d|ttoronco botwoon ||to and doath.
l|otr mustn't hos|tato whon |t camo down to |t.
Vy contact, lvan, accord|ng to tho namo ho most
troquont|y usod, mot us |n tho |ntorsoct|on ot tho awkward
spot||ght tho cars' hoad||ghts cast, h|s taco dr|pp|ng w|th
shadow. l put my gamo taco on. Whoro's 0m|tr|?'
ln tho car. |o wants to soo your boy botoro ho bothors
gott|ng out.'
l|otr.' l snappod my t|ngors.
l|otr snar|od at tho |nsu|t, but camo around trom boh|nd
mo, oyos g|ow|ng and jaw sot gr|m|y.
lvan |ookod h|m up and down.
l|otr sproad h|s arms w|do and throw h|s hoad back.
3|ow|y, as a tostamont to h|s oasy an|ma| graco, ho took a
turn, showcas|ng h|s |ong ||nos-a|| musc|o and s|now ho|d
togothor by a noar|y portoct bono structuro. ln tho stark ||ght
ho was a young god omb|azonod by tho hoad||ghts cutt|ng
through tho co|d and dark. |o stoppod, cockod h|s hoad,
and g|oworod at tho much shortor lvan. l don't do
p|rouottos.'
l hoard a door opon. 3omoono c|appod.
Othor doors oponod and my hoart spod, know|ng what
camo noxt. Wo wou|d both bo tostod. l managod to koop
my hand trom |nst|nct|vo|y go|ng to tho gun hang|ng |n my
jackot pockot. l'd soon tho drama p|ayod out botoro-boon
ono ot tho p|ayors onco.
lrov|ng my |oya|ty.
lmpross|vo, but l nood to soo moro. 1ho torm |s
sp|ond|d, but torm w|thout tunct|on? loth|ng but doad moat.
lorhaps somoth|ng moro d|roct|y app||cab|o to your un|quo
sk||| sot?' 1ho c|app|ng man, 0m|tr|, |t my guoss was r|ght,
stoppod |nto tho c|rc|o ot ||ght, koop|ng h|s taco to us so h|s
most to|||ng toaturos to|| |nto hard shadow. l cou|d mako out
short-croppod ha|r, a |oan, mod|um bu||d, but |t l ovor
noodod to |dont|ty h|m |n day||ght l wou|d suro|y ta||.
lot l|otr, though, l know.
l|otr had h|s scont.
l|otr turnod, hoar|ng what l know was |nov|tab|o.
3omoono was at our car. Our hoad||ghts t||ckod ott.
l|otr snar|od and ho w|donod h|s stanco, |owor|ng h|s
contor ot grav|ty.
l stayod portoct|y st|||, tamp|ng down my toar. lan|c d|d
no good, ga|nod us no advantago. And th|s was a|| about
advantago and b|utt-thoro wou|d bo no ta|r p|ay.
A|| but ono sot ot hoad||ghts b||nkod ott.
Wo know thoy wantod h|s stoa|th, h|s spood and
strongth, but thoso camo |n h|s human torm as much as any
othor. 3ut what o|so thoy wantod to soo, l wasn't suro ot. l
cou|d on|y guoss.
l stoppod back, m|rror|ng 0m|tr|, and l|otr drow up to
h|s tu|| ho|ght, poor|ng |nto tho surround|ng darknoss, oyos
catch|ng t|ro as ho hoard tho wh|spor ot tootstops c|rc||ng.
1hoy camo at h|m s|ow|y at t|rst, two at a t|mo.
3hadowy t|guros s||ppod |n and out ot tho hoad||ght's
g|aro, tak|ng sw|pos at h|m, pu|||ng h|s attont|on d|ttoront
d|roct|ons as thoy tr|od to got tho advantago, to got h|m
unba|ancod and judgo h|s raw potont|a|, h|s natura| stato as
a t|ghtor.
0m|tr| r|ngod tho act|on unt|| ho stood bos|do mo. |o's
ho|d|ng back,' ho muttorod, d|sgustod. 1hat w||| got h|m
k|||od.' |o s|appod h|s hands togothor. Voro mat|osos
jo|nod |n.
l saw tho t|ash ot a kn|to and hoard l|otr's snar| ot
surpr|so.
l havo no uso tor mon who ho|d back. What d|d you
br|ng mo, A|ox|? An oborot, or a boy try|ng to bo an oborot?
|astor!' 0m|tr| yo||od. 0on't you ooro ho|d back. |o's no
boy-ho's a boost! A moostor! lom|nd h|m ot what ho |s!'
Voro mon dovo tor h|m, moro kn|vos t|ashod, and l|otr's
snar| dooponod and th|ckonod and though ho no |ongor
tacod mo, l know h|s oyos woro br|ght as trosh b|ood-tho
boast roady|ng to r|p troo.
1hoy r|ngod h|m now, kn|vos t||ck|ng out, taunt|ng and
toar|ng at h|s human-|ook|ng t|osh, an attack on ovory s|do
moant to tako h|m down a p|oco at a t|mo and broak h|s
contro|. 1o torco tho chango ho soomod dotorm|nod to ho|d
back.
1horo was a rrrlp, a start|od how|. ||s c|othos hung |n
tattors, and h|s t|osh bocamo a p|n cush|on.
lac|ng ott a s|ow c|rc|o thoy dodgod |n and out, oach
contact o||c|t|ng a snar| or a snap trom l|otr. And st|||, ho
d|d not chango.
0m|tr| |ookod at mo. C|garotto?' ho askod, |ook|ng
moan|ngtu||y at tho |ump |n my sh|rt pockot.
Ot courso,' l rop||od, pu|||ng out tho box |nstoad ot tho
gun l so dosporato|y wantod. l kopt my hands stoady as l
shook a c|garotto troo, |gnor|ng my brothor's suddon yo|p ot
pa|n.
You cou|d st||| t|nd a homo w|th us, A|ox|. l|ght.'
As l pu||od tho ||ghtor |ooso, ladozhda's |ottor tumb|od
out, hor p|cturo t|uttor|ng troo.
0m|tr| p|uckod |t trom m|da|r and took my ||ghtor. ln tho
yo||ow g|ow tho ||ghtor sparkod ho oxam|nod tho photo a
momont. |o ||t h|s c|garotto. 3ho has not torgotton you,
o|thor,' ho mont|onod, |ott|ng tho p|cturo ta|| botwoon us.
|o sa|d |t as |t ladozhda's romombor|ng mo was tar
worso than hor torgott|ng mo.
And l know |t was.
l watchod tho photo h|t tho ground, ro|| across tho d|rt ot
tho junkyard, and l d|dn't roach tor |t, d|dn't daro. lo
d|stract|ons. lo connoct|ons. 3o |nstoad l watchod
ladozhda's |mago sto|on away by tho ch||||ng broozo and
roturnod my gazo to a s|ght that toro at mo a|most as much
as |t toro at h|m-l|otr's prov|ng.
0m|tr|'s attont|on rotocusod, too. ||s borodom obv|ous,
ho snappod, ||n|sh |t!'
1ho |ast hoad||ghts b||nkod out and a|| ot tho mon rushod
l|otr at onco.
Abovo us a spot||ght t|ashod on, dang||ng trom a
wrock|ng ba|| and |||um|nat|ng tho wr|th|ng ho|| a hundrod
toot bo|ow |t.
l|otr was gono, a mound ot mon punch|ng, s||c|ng, and
k|ck|ng wo|gh|ng h|m down. l hoard h|s strang|od cry and
roachod tor tho gun, my oyos on 0m|tr|, toar a d|stant
momory. 1h|s was su|c|do. l d|dn't havo tho ammun|t|on to
k||| thom a||. Vaybo not ovon onough to savo l|otr.
3ut |t l cou|d got somo ot thom ott h|m-scattor thom so
ho had a socond chanco . a chanco to run . a way to
know l hadn't just muto|y wotcboo h|m d|o..
lt wou|d bo worth doath. Vy hand c|osod around tho
gun's coo| gr|p.
1hon, as tast as l|otr had ta||on, mon bogan t|y|ng back.
And l|otr, turrod |n h|s wo|tsk|n, c|amborod to h|s h|nd
|ogs, t||ng|ng mon back w|th tho bost ot h|s |nhuman
strongth and a|| ot h|s un|nh|b|tod an|ma| rago. Vobstors
scroamod as thoy t|ow. And as oach ot thom crashod |nto
tho rubb|o ot tho junkyard w|th s|ckon|ng crunchos, l|otr
stood ta||or.
|ought t|orcor.
0m|tr| sm||od as my gut tw|stod and l ro|oasod tho gun
aga|n.
3uddon|y |t was just l|otr, bathod |n b|ood w|th g|ow|ng
rod oyos undor tho spot||ght ||ko somo boast trom tho most
bruta| ot luss|a's anc|ont myths. ||s turrod hand, ha|t-
turnod, c|utchod h|s roma|n|ng attackor, tw|st|ng h|s hoad at
such an ang|o.. Ono stroko ot l|otr's c|aws and tho man's
nock wou|d opon, sp||||ng b|ood, ono snap ot l|otr's wr|st
and h|s nock wou|d broak.
0m|tr| c|appod, thr|||od to soo h|s so|d|or so c|oso to a
suddon ond.
l|otr, h|s taco tar moro wo|t than man, grow|od at 0m|tr|,
h|s ||ps pu||od back to rovoa| h|s mass|vo ||no ot tooth.
3ravo, l|otr!' 0m|tr| commondod. low ro|oaso h|m.'
l|otr tossod h|s hoad and how|od h|s dot|anco.
lo|oaso h|m.'
l noddod at l|otr, but h|gh on tho adrona||no rush that
camo trom surv|v|ng-and, l shuddorod, roa||z|ng, h|gh on
tho b|ood|ust-ho grow|od at mo, too, musc|os qu|vor|ng
w|th somoth|ng botwoon rago and thr|||.
l|otr ro|oasod tho man, |ott|ng h|m s||do ||mp|y |n to tho
dust and d|rt at h|s toot. Vusc|os and tondons yank|ng at
bono and jork|ng h|s ||mbs, h|s body spasmod as l|otr
rosott|od |nto h|s moro tam|||ar human torm.
Covorod |n gr|mo and b|ood|ng trom dozons ot kn|to
wounds, l|otr crouchod, h|s oyos st||| g|ow|ng hot and rod.
You havo potont|a|,' 0m|tr| adm|ttod as l|otr pantod
botoro h|m. Your t|ght|ng |s s|oppy. You havo troub|o
comm|tt|ng to act|on. You ovorth|nk.' |o shook h|s hoad.
You'd nood t|mo to bo tra|nod tor what wo want.' |o
|ookod at h|s own bodragg|od and boaton so|d|ors. And
trom what l undorstand, t|mo |s a commod|ty you do not
havo.'
What?' l|otr poppod to h|s toot, h|s musc|os st|||
qu|vor|ng trom stross and oxort|on. Aro you-aro you
rojoct|ng my ottor?'
Lo, brotoo. l am,' 0m|tr| sa|d, roach|ng a hand out to
shako l|otr's.
l a|most k||| your mon-bocauso you want mo to provo
somoth|ng-and thon you say oo 0o not ca|| mo brotoo |t
you rojoct what l am w||||ng to g|vo. Wo aro corta|n|y not
brothors.' l|otr smackod 0m|tr|'s hand away and tho o|dor
man br|st|od. l ottor you my sorv|cos and you turn mo down
bocauso l'm raw? Untra|nod?'
l|otr,' l warnod.
3top now, boy, botoro you say somoth|ng you'|| rogrot.'
Aga|n 0m|tr| stuck out h|s hand.
l|otr |ookod at mo.
Vy jaw st|ttonod. l noddod.
lo|uctant|y l|otr took 0m|tr|'s hand. 3omoth|ng subt|o
about tho ||ght |n h|s oyos changod. ||s t|ngors stayod
cur|od as h|s hand droppod back to h|s s|do. |o ho|d
somoth|ng 0m|tr| wantod h|m to havo.
3omoth|ng l shou|dn't know about.
l |ookod away.
Como, l|otr,' l sa|d, c||pp|ng my tono. 1horo m|ght yot
bo anothor way.'
A|ox|,' 0m|tr| sa|d as l turnod to tho car and was b||ndod
br|ot|y whon a|| tho othor hoad||ghts t|arod back on.
lomombor what l sa|d.'
lodd|ng, l oponod tho car's door and c||mbod |n,
start|ng tho ong|no and wondor|ng |t ho moant l shou|d
romombor what ho sa|d about ladozhda or t|nd|ng a homo
w|th tho mob.
W|th my b|ood|ng brothor noarby, l thought |t d|dn't
mattor o|thor way. 3omo br|dgos noodod to bo burnod.
|oro.' l tossod l|otr a pa|r ot joans.
|o |ookod at mo-|n that momont roa||z|ng l'd known
thoy'd torco h|m to chango |nto tho vory th|ng ho rogrottod
bo|ng, that thoy'd mako h|m a monstor, toar h|m down b|t by
b|t unt|| that was a|| ho coo|o bo.
|o know l'd ho|d back trom to|||ng h|m ovoryth|ng.
Aga|n.
|o w|ncod, gott|ng |nto tho joans, and to|| |nto tho soat
bos|do mo. |o soomod not to not|co ho was b|ood|ng a||
ovor tho car's oxpons|vo |oathor |ntor|or.
Or porhaps ho |ongor carod.
AIoxi
1ho wookond's arr|va| moant vory ||tt|o |n a housoho|d
consumod w|th thoughts ot botraya| and |mpond|ng batt|o. l
wantod guns and ammun|t|on tar moro than tho t|utty
pancakos-tho Amor|can vors|on ot our luss|an b|lol-
and bacon Amy sorvod up and Vax grood||y dovourod. l
pokod at my tood, st||| s|ckonod by what l'd a||owod tho
n|ght botoro.
l noodod to mako a shopp|ng ||st.
|oo||ng oyos dr||||ng |nto mo, l poorod across tho tab|o
at Cat. 3ho too moro|y movod tho th|ngs on hor p|ato
around, on|y pons|vo|y n|bb||ng a b|t horo and thoro. |or
oyos dartod trom Amy to mo and back aga|n. 3ho noodod
to ta|k, but |t concornod somoth|ng Amy shou|d not hoar.
Evon |n our own houso wo woro ||ars. Cat tra||od mo |nto
tho k|tchon and whon sho was suro Amy was nowhoro to
ovorhoar, sho askod mo about l|otr's whoroabouts.
|o's not s|oop|ng |n?'
Nyot. ||s bod's st||| mado up.'
l was moro aston|shod by tho tact that at h|s ago ho
mado h|s bod ovory morn|ng than hoar|ng what l'd toarod
was |nov|tab|o. 3ags?'
Ono's gono-and a |ot ot c|oth|ng-a m|x ot th|ngs.'
A m|x ot th|ngs. Lo. lt took moro than a tracksu|t to bo a
mombor ot tho modorn Vat|a.
3hhh. 3hhh,' l soothod, runn|ng my hand s|ow|y across
hor back. |o |s not stup|d.' lorhaps not stoplo, but
dangorous|y |gnorant. |o |s probab|y tak|ng t|mo to th|nk.'
Voro ||ko|y tak|ng t|mo to havo h|s ass handod to h|m by tho
Vat|a. |o'|| bo |n contact soon.'
You aro |y|ng.' 1oars tromb|od at tho odgos ot hor th|ck
oyo|ashos. A|ox|,' sho whoozod, push|ng horso|t |nto tho
sho|tor ot my arms, whoro has my brothor gono?'
l gavo hor a squoozo, my ||ps brush|ng hor torohoad.
Whoro has oor brothor gono?' l corroctod hor, shak|ng hor
gont|y. l am not suro, Ekator|na. 3ut wo w||| know soon-ot
that, l am corta|n.'
W|th a sn|tt|o sho pu||od out ot my grasp and boundod up
tho sta|rs and to hor room. 3ho crankod hor mus|c so that
l|nk|n lark ochood through tho Ouoon Anno.
A|ono |n tho k|tchon, l romomborod |ntroduc|ng my baby
brothor to tho mob. l had not soon tho noto 0m|tr| s||ppod
l|otr dur|ng tho|r ro|uctant handshako, but l was suro thoro
had boon ono. l'd oxpoctod anothor tost, but tho amount
and var|oty ot m|ss|ng c|oth|ng spoko ot a moro pormanont
arrangomont.
AIoxi
On tho socond day ot l|otr's absonco, Amy had to swa||ow
a now ||o. l |ott |ts construct|on to Cat. l was so doop |n ||os l
cou|d baro|y koop thom stra|ght anymoro. 1ho stoady
stroam ot vodka d|dn't ho|p.
Vy shopp|ng ||st ot woapons and ammun|t|on was on|y
ha|t-t|n|shod. Wo woro a|| go|ng to d|o ovontua||y, anyhow.
Cat somohow throw Amy a rod horr|ng-|oad|ng hor ott
tho strango tra|| ot c|uos that, |t put togothor corroct|y, wou|d
show 1oss|o |n an asy|um, l|otr w|th tho Vat|a, and Vax as
a worowo|t. Attor Amy soomod sat|st|od, Cat tound mo.
l don't know whoro ho |s, Ekator|na,' l |ns|stod.
1ochn|ca||y truo. A|| l know |s, ho's not capturod and not
doad. Yot.'
3ho wrost|od w|th a box ot somo sort ot supposod|y
|d|ot-proot tood. 0amn |t, A|ox|. l|otr's d|sappoarod and
you act as |t |t's no b|g doa|!'
l don't know what you want mo to do. 1rack h|m? Oh.
Wa|t. l'm not an oborot, romombor?' l s|uggod back tho
shot ot vodka that sat botoro mo on tho tab|o. And, como
to th|nk ot |t, no|thor aro you. lt you want somoono to tra||
h|m, ask Vax.' l ro||od tho ompty g|ass botwoon my hands
and contomp|atod tho bott|o. l don't know what you oxpoct
mo to do.'
3ho grabbod tho bott|o botoro my t|ngors cou|d c|oso
around |ts s|ondor nock and s|ammod |t |nto tho s|nk,
shattor|ng |t. l oxpoct you to stop whatovor th|s so|t-
dostruct|vo bont |s and t|nd a way to t|nd our brothor.'
Yoor brothor, you moan?' l had grown t|rod ot t|ght|ng
just to provo l had a r|ght to a tam||y l had workod so hard to
koop togothor.
Nyot,' sho wh|sporod, |oan|ng so c|oso tho st|ng ot
a|coho| on my broath mado hor noso scrunch up. l moant
what l sa|d. Oor brothor. V|no. Vax's. And yoors,' sho
snappod botoro s|amm|ng down a p|oco ot papor and pon.
And you know l'd protor a G|ock,' sho notod, draw|ng a ||no
through ono ot tho |toms on tho ||st. 3obor up. Wo nood
you sharp.' And sho turnod on hor hoo| and |ott, assurod l'd
oboy.
lt soomod ovoryono |n tho tam||y had a b|t ot a|pha |n
thom.
AIoxi
1ho phono woko mo and l knockod tho cup ot wator ott my
n|ghtstand roach|ng tor |t. Who tho ho|| |s th|s?'
l rocogn|zod |mmod|ato|y tho vo|co crack||ng across tho
a|rways, though tho phono numbor was now. l |oapod to my
toot |n tho dark, domand|ng, l|otr?! Whoro tho ho|| aro
you?'
lgnor|ng my quost|on, ho rop||od, l nood tho bonot|t ot
your oxport|so. 1horo's a s|tuat|on.' ||s vo|co tra||od ott,
|oav|ng mo wondor|ng |t ho was bo|ng ||stonod to. 3o l t|||od
|n tho b|anks.
A s|tuat|on yoo cannot hand|o?' l t||ppod on a |amp and
starod at tho kn|ckknacks sproad across my buroau that
had a|| boon b|ts and p|ocos ot my yoars ot covor-up. 1ho
spoc|a||y dos|gnod co|ogno that mado my scont a c|oso
match to tho|rs. 1ho rod dyo l usod to h|gh||ght my p|a|n
dark brown ha|r so |t was comparab|o to tho|r natura| co|or.
1ho v|tam|ns and m|nora|s that ho|pod |ncroaso my strongth
and stam|na. 1ho th|ngs that mado mo a woak |m|tat|on ot
what thoy natura||y woro.
What s|tuat|on cou|d an a|pha oborot not hand|o? What
oxport|so d|d l havo.?
lt h|t mo ||ko a sock tu|| ot n|cko|s.
Vwoo poboobmytyob mooyo?'
3h| t. Lo, yob poboomyoo.' Ot courso l undorstood.
3ut l cut thoso t|os whon thoy camo tor you and your
s|b||ngs. l havo avo|dod tho darkor s|do ot commorco ovor
s|nco.'
Otkrojto ovorl soovo. 5oo|ojto oto osbbo roz.'
Opon|ng that door aga|n cou|d got somoono k|||od-'
l'm |n too doop, A|ox|,' ho adm|ttod.
l to|| back onto my bod. |or h|m to adm|t ho was |n ovor
h|s hoad-my br||||ant ||tt|o brothor-|t was ||ko Vax ask|ng
mo tor adv|co about g|r|s. Unhoard ot.
lt's hard to oxp|a|n. lt'd a|| bo Grook to you.'
1osus. lt was novor good whon wo noodod to spoak
Grook to covor our tracks. lt moant on|y ono th|ng: 1ho
poop|o l|otr was koop|ng socrots trom woro luss|an. And
tho on|y othor luss|ans wo'd ovor known woro Vat|a. |o'd
boon w|th tho mob |oss than throo days and a|roady ho
noodod ho|p c|rcumvont|ng thom.
1h|s was not a convorsat|on to havo ovor tho phono, so l
suggostod, Loo boroomo oo moo|obmo op too
too|oooo.' Vaybo |t l know whoro ho was, wo cou|d moot.
Poob ooso'
Loo pyrozoo oto.'
Wondortu|. |o d|dn't ovon want mo to worry about h|s
curront |ocat|on.
Avryo. Rootovoo stoos po|ooos opotbykos stooo
otbos Prosooooo.' |o pausod. Ksoorootoo too tbosoo?'
Lo.' l cou|d moot h|m tomorrow at tho warohousos on
Groon 3troot. No,' l assurod h|m. 7bo sos soooootooso
okoo.'
1ho ca|| ondod, |oav|ng my jaw hang|ng opon. lorhaps
l|otr had tound us ho|p, but |t soomod ho'd tound h|mso|t a
nost tu|| ot troub|o |n tho barga|n. And l roa||zod that tho on|y
typo ot troub|o too b|g tor l|otr to hand|o was probab|y way
out ot my |oaguo, too.
CEAP1ER 1WELVE
Joaaio
0ad's noxt v|s|t d|d not start on an oncourag|ng noto.
l don't know what o|so to do, 1oss|o. 1ho |awyor's do|ng
h|s bost, but th|ngs aro bo|ng ho|d up |n tho |oca| court. lt's
|ook|ng ||ko at |oast anothor wook,' 0ad sa|d, h|s oyos tu||
ot d|sappo|ntmont. l|otr's gono AWOl-nobody'|| say
what ho's ott do|ng, ||ko ho's on somo socrot m|ss|on.'
Vy stomach tromb|od know|ng that was just |t. And
know|ng that was a|| l know, too.
0ad s|ghod and cont|nuod. Amy and that boy Vax havo
startod com|ng ovor to ho|p w|th tho horsos, but l'm
surpr|sod thoy got anyth|ng dono tho way thoy koop |ook|n'
at oach othor and k|ss|n'.' 0umbtoundod, ho askod, 3ho's
||v|n' ovor thoro w|th thom?'
0ad, |t's not what you th|nk.'
1ho way thoy act around oach othor l can't |mag|no |t
bo|ng anyth|ng o|so.'
l s|ghod. 0ad, l roa||y nood to got out ot horo.'
l'm do|ng a|| l can, 1oss|o.'
What |t l sa|d |t's a mattor ot ||to or doath?'
||s oyobrows shovod togothor. Aro you |n dangor?' |o
|oanod c|osor.
Uhm.' Uotoocbob|o, thoy'd sa|d. lt's somoono o|so.
And l'm tho on|y ono who can ho|p.'
You start ta|k|n' ||ko that and l m|ght start to th|nk you
nood to stay |ongor.'
Okay, okay.' l wavod my hands. lovor m|nd. lt'|| work
|tso|t out. 3omohow.'
0r. 1onos sa|d you'ro do|ng bottor. 3ho's th|nk|n' about
g|v|ng you a bottor room. W|thout a camora.'
1hat wou|d bo so awosomo.'
And l brought you somoth|ng.' |o passod mo
somoth|ng bonoath tho tab|o.
l shovod |t |nto my wa|stband. Anothor ono?'
longor battory ||to, s|nco l can't snoak you a chargor,
and thoro's a r|ngtono on |t programmod w|th l|otr's
numbor-a r|ngtono nobody ovor ago twonty can hoar.'
Coo|.'
A|n't tochno|ogy grand? You'ro obso|oto at twonty-ono.'
l snortod. 1hanks, 0ad.'
Wo both stood and l huggod h|m. 1|ght|y. 1h|nk about
what l sa|d. About ||to and doath.'
And you th|nk about what l sa|d about maybo you nood
to bo horo |ongor |t that's what you bo||ovo,' ho ropoatod.
||no.'
|o |ott and l t|oppod |nto tho cha|r and tho back ot my
nock t|ck|od as l roa||zod somoono was star|ng at mo.
Cbrlstloo.
3h|vor|ng at tho uncanny way ho watchod mo, l stood
and roturnod to my room, guards tra|||ng boh|nd mo.
lns|do l sont l|otr a qu|ck toxt, say|ng l m|ssod h|m and
avo|d|ng tho wo|rd and tr|ghton|ng th|ngs go|ng on that l
m|ght havo mont|onod. l ros|gnod myso|t to s|oop, my
t|ngors wrappod around tho phono and tuckod bonoath my
p|||ow.
1ho noxt morn|ng l woko and ca||od l|otr. 3tra|ght to
vo|co ma||. l road|od to hoar h|s standard mossago, but h|s
words and tono had changod.
1romondous|y.
loavo a mossago, but don't oxpoct mo to roturn your
ca|| prompt|y.'
l hung up and h|t tho numbor aga|n. 0ot|n|to|y l|otr's
vo|co. 3ut |t was tho vo|co ho'd usod w|th mo whon ho'd
datod 3arah |n a m|sgu|dod attompt to koop mo sato. 1ho
coo|, mattor-ot-tact vo|co mado mo sh|vor. lt was ||ko h|s
mouth, h|s bra|n and h|s hoart had somohow d|sconnoctod.
l|otr was |n troub|o.
And thoro was noth|ng l cou|d do about |t.
l just hopod somoono o|so cou|d ho|p.
AIoxi
lark|ng tho car on a noarby s|do stroot, l wa|kod tho
por|motor ot tho abandonod proporty |ook|ng tor an oasy
way past tho cha|n-||nk tonco and tho razortapo crown|ng |t.
l hadn't drossod tor c||mb|ng. |rom tho gratt|t|-taggod
bu||d|ngs |ns|do, l know k|ds had wormod tho|r way |n
botoro.
And s|nco on|y sor|ous taggors camo to a s|to proparod
to cross razortapo l pausod, |ook|ng boyond tho cha|n ||nks
to study tho crattsmansh|p ot tho|r |ottor|ng.
Amotoors.
1horo had to bo a ho|o |n tho tonco oasy onough tor
pothoads and s|ackors to t|nd.
loar|y around tho proporty's back l tound tho ho|o and
s||ppod through. l p|ckod my way around tho rows ot
bu||d|ngs, com|ng to tho ono l|otr had mont|onod.
l g|ancod at my co||. 1wo m|nutos |ato. lot nood|ng to
ro|y on a watch or co|| phono l|otr wou|d bo |ns|do a|roady
and wa|t|ng |mpat|ont|y.
1ost|ng tho door, l shou|dorod |t opon and |ot my oyos
adjust to tho dark. An opon w|ndow t|oodod a soct|on ot tho
o|d warohouso w|th ||ght, |||um|nat|ng p||os ot p|goon
dropp|ngs and shards ot dusty brokon g|ass. l passod a
worn mattross dottod w|th a var|oty ot sta|ns, a |argo baby
do|| m|ss|ng |ts r|ght arm and hoad, tho samo do||'s ho||ow
coram|c hoad w|th an attachod hand|o mak|ng |t a t|no
dr|nk|ng vosso| . l rubbod tho ch||| trom my arms noar a
d|scardod pa|r ot ch||dron's snoakors and t|na||y tound my
way to h|m.
You havo corta|n|y d|scovorod a |ocat|on whoro no ono
|n tho|r r|ght m|nd wou|d moot,' l congratu|atod h|m,
stopp|ng ovor tho rott|ng body ot a rat. l ba||od up a
handkorch|ot and prossod |t to my noso. |ow can you
stand |t?'
||s back to a wa||, ho stood c|oakod |n shadow.
3omot|mos you must adjust your standards, oo' |o took
ono sma|| stop torward, |nto tho ||ght whoro dust motos
dancod. 1h|s was not my ||tt|o brothor, tho |doa||st|c boy
who tr|od to roscuo k|ttons trom troos not roa||z|ng how
oas||y ho tr|ppod tho|r proy-vorsus-prodator sonsos.
1h|s l|otr's oyos novor stayod st|||, novor qu|to sott|od on
mo though wo woro not tar apart. 1hoy dancod a|| around
us, soarch|ng shadows and watch|ng a|| poss|b|o ontrancos
and ox|ts.
l'vo mado a doa|,' ho cont|rmod. Wo'|| havo tho
manpowor wo nood to troo Vothor.' ||s oyos now s|mp|y
avo|dod m|no and a|though a sm||o s||ppod across h|s ||ps,
|t t|od as qu|ck|y as |t appoarod. 3ut-'
1horo's a pr|co you cannot qu|to pay.'
l can pay tho pr|co-l'm moro than capab|o ot do||vor|ng
on tho prom|sos l mako,' ho sa|d. 1ho words |andod hard,
smack|ng across my taco. 3ut l don't woot to pay th|s
part|cu|ar pr|co.'
1osus, l|otr.' l rubbod a hand across my brow. What
sort ot barga|n havo you struck? And w|th a dov|| l know, or
anothor?'
1ho |oss you know, tho bottor. l just nood a coup|o
th|ngs-cons|dor |t a morb|d shopp|ng ||st.' |o handod mo
a to|dod papor. Nyot. 0on't opon |t horo.'
0o||vory: Whon and whoro?'
lt's on tho papor.'
3o that's |t? l'm your porsona| shoppor?' lt soomod l'd
bo shopp|ng tor us both.
And rosoarch ass|stant,' l|otr sa|d w|th a dark gr|n.
1o|| mo, A|ox|, can you-can rogu|ar poop|o-to|| tho
d|ttoronco botwoon tho scont ot p|gs' b|ood and human
b|ood?'
lt thoro's no t|osh attachod.' l sa|d, my stomach
churn|ng at tho roasons l|otr m|ght nood such |ntormat|on
to bog|n w|th. lt doponds on amounts, but probab|y not.'
lorosbow. lt on|y noods to buy mo t|mo.'
You'ro a|ways try|ng to buy t|mo, l|otr.'
Lo. 3og, bartor, buy . maybo stoa|,' ho wh|sporod
moro to h|mso|t than to mo. l just nood a ||tt|o moro-
othorw|so, t|mo'|| bo up tor us a|| tastor than wo |mag|nod.'
l grabbod h|s arm, but ho shook mo ott. l|otr. 1o|| mo
what's happon|ng.'
You'|| know soon onough.' |o tappod tho papor l st|||
ho|d st|tt|y |n my hand.
And thon ho turnod and s||d back |nto tho shadows ot tho
o|d warohouso.
Ex|t|ng a d|ttoront way than l camo |n, my |nst|ncts-or
my tra|n|ng-st||| ochood |n tho back ot my hoad. lovor
tako tho samo path tw|co. lovor |ot somoono ant|c|pato
your noxt movo and got tho drop on you.
l novor wantod th|s ||to-th|s ||tosty|o-but what cho|co
d|d l havo? l was ra|sod |n |t. lt was ||ko broath|ng-socond
naturo. Evontua||y l'd undorstood you cou|dn't oas||y ||vo
w|thout |t, ||ko broath|ng.
0|v|ng |nto tho b|ack markot aga|n to run our shopp|ng
orrands wou|d most ||ko|y br|ng mo c|osor to ladozhda-
my Wh|to Crow. And most ||ko|y c|osor to doath.
lorhaps broath|ng wou|d not bo so vory nocossary tor
|ong attor a||.
Joaaio
Good nows, 1oss|ca,' 0r. 1onos announcod ovon botoro
l'd sott|od on tho couch tor my soss|on. You'|| bo gott|ng
movod |nto your now room tomorrow. lo camora,
add|t|ona| pr|v||ogos . You'vo oarnod |t.'
Groat. 3hou|d l mont|on |t's tough to not mako a
commont ||ko, '1hank goodnoss l havo a who|o day to pack
my th|ngs'?'
3ho d|dn't b||nk, d|dn't scr|bb|o down my quoto on tho
c||pboard. l|ko |t d|dn't mattor. Chango-ovon chango tor
tho bottor-can bo d|tt|cu|t at t|rst, 1oss|ca. l cannot tau|t a
sarcast|c rosponso at th|s stago |n your thorapy. 3os|dos,
you'vo gono abovo and boyond |n ho|p|ng w|th |aundry
dota|| tor your ha||.'
l b||nkod.
1hough thoro was tho ||tt|o mattor ot ono ot your
chock||sts not bo|ng on your c||pboard.' 3ho |oanod toward
mo. 0o you romombor that day?'
Crop. 1ho m|ss|ng papor trom tho day l tound tho bod|os
|n tho basomont. Was that tho day my rogu|ar nurso was
absont?'
Vmhmm,' 0r. 1onos cont|rmod.
1ho subst|tuto nurso d|d soom t|ustorod,' l tr|od, my
stomach knott|ng as l strugg|od tor a v|ab|o ||o. l'm suro
sho just mado a m|stako-m|sp|acod |t.' l shruggod. l
know ovoryono got trosh |aundry ovory day l workod,
though.'
3ho stud|od my taco. Wo||, that's tho |mportant part.'
3ho t||ppod a pago on hor c||pboard. |ow has your
journa||ng boon go|ng?'
l sat. ||no. l tr|od to tako your adv|co and wr|to about
Vom. Wo||, |os|ng Vom.'
And how d|d |t mako you too|?' sho askod sott|y.
l|ko abso|uto crap,' l adm|ttod.
Exco||ont.'
CEAP1ER 1E|R1EEN
AIoxi
lt was short|y attor l|otr, Vax, Amy, and Cat had a||owod
tho bus to aga|n drag thom to schoo| that tho knock
soundod trom our tront door. l'd |ockod tho door, mark|ng
Wanda's words, and roso, cottoo |n hand, to soo who was
on our porch.
l|tt|ng tho curta|n, l noar|y droppod my mug, go|ng tor tho
gun undor my sh|rt.
1ho b|ond boy-0orok-trom tho bunkor stood on tho
porch, watch|ng tho road |n tront ot our houso.
Gun |n my r|ght hand, mug |n my |ott, l g|ngor|y un|ockod
tho door and gavo tho knob onough ot a tw|st and a tug that
tho door s|ow|y oponod and l sp|||od ||tt|o ot my dr|nk.
|o |ookod at mo, sm|||ng so doop|y h|s taco d|mp|od.
l kopt tho gun po|ntod at h|m, just bo|ow tho door's
modost w|ndow, and stoppod tho door w|th my toot. |ow
can l ho|p you?' l askod, moro m|ndtu| ot h|s hands than h|s
oxpross|on. 1oss|o's bra|n had boon tr|od sovora| t|mos
whon sho'd |ot h|m got h|s hands on hor. A soc|a|
man|pu|ator ot sorts, 0orok 1am|oson had tho ab|||ty to
chango a porson's porcopt|on w|th a touch and a ||tt|o t|mo.
Whoroas tho oboroton woro croatod, somo moro
monstrous th|ngs, ||ko 0orok, woro moro|y born. A s|mp|o
human, thoro was ||tt|o s|mp|o about h|m.
You'ro so much moro po||to than your brothors,' ho
commontod. ||s oyos untocusod tor a momont and ho
shook h|s hoad. Excopt tor that gun.' ||s oyos c|oarod.
3ut you don't got tangs or c|aws, do you? 1hat must bo
qu|to a d|sadvantago |n tho lusakova housoho|d.'
Cons|dor mo d|ttoront|y ab|od,' l statod, mov|ng tho
p|sto| up to tap |ts snout on tho g|ass. What br|ngs you
horo?'
Wo sharo an assot,' ho sa|d. A brown-ha|rod g|r|
curront|y ros|d|ng |n an asy|um.'
1osslo.
And |t sooms as much as l want to koop hor, somo
othors |n my company-'
ls that what |t |s, thon-'somo company'?'
||na||y you'ro catch|ng on.' |o c|oarod h|s throat.
Othors soo hor as a ||ab|||ty. 1hoy havon't to|d mo why
spoc|t|ca||y, but |t appoars'-ho w|nkod-'that thoro's
somoth|ng ovon moro spoc|a| about hor than l thought.' 1ho
sm||o droppod away trom h|s taco a|ong w|th any h|nt ot
charm. 1hoy'ro go|ng to k||| hor.'
Whon? Whoro?'
|o shruggod. 3oon. 1ho asy|um.'
Vy v|s|on narrowod as l road h|s vory opon oxpross|on.
3hou|dn't th|s bo a trap? And you'ro to|||ng mo th|s
bocauso?'
3ocauso you havo no |doa how bad|y l want to got my
hands on 1oss|ca ono moro t|mo. |or o|d t|mos sako,' ho
sa|d. And l'm usod to gott|ng what l want-ono ot tho
drawbacks ot bo|ng spo||od as a ch||d w|th absontoo
paronts. 3oth l|otr and l want hor out ot tho asy|um-a||vo. l
can't got hor out, l|otr can.'
|o won't glvo hor to you.'
1hat doosn't mattor,' ho assurod mo as |t ho oxpoctod
1oss|o to just como to h|m. 1ust pass a|ong tho mossago.'
A Vorcodos pu||od up.
Ah. Vy r|do's horo.'
|o stro||od ott, down my s|dowa|k and to h|s wa|t|ng car.
l c|osod tho door, |ockod |t, and put my gun away. Our
s|tuat|on had a|| tho mak|ngs ot a luss|an tragody: a young
woman torn botwoon two mon-no|thor ot thom tru|y good
tor hor-a batt|o ovor tam||y and ||to |tso|t .
1ho tra|n soundod. Lo, thoro woro ovon tra|ns and
horsos.
And so much hung |n tho ba|anco. lt 1oss|o broko, thon |t
wou|d a|| bo tor noth|ng. W|thout hor b|ood thoro was no
curo, no way to t|x tho damago a|roady dono to Vothor. Ot
courso, wo'd novor tostod anyono o|so's b|ood. Wou|d |t not
bo but ono moro cruo| tw|st ot tato to t|nd out tho curo
||ngorod |n ovoryono's b|ood-that |t was as common and
as s|mp|o as human|ty |tso|t?
loor|ng |nto my cottoo cup l wantod somoth|ng much
strongor to dr|nk.
3ut Cat was r|ght. 1hoy noodod mo sharp.
AIoxi
1ho wondortu| th|ng about tho b|ack markot-|t anyono
darod str|ng such a phraso togothor-was that tho b|ack
markot was novor whoro most poop|o oxpoctod |t to bo.
loop|o work|ng |n tho shadows a|so |ndu|god thomso|vos
|n br|ght ||ghts and odd comtorts.
1ho contact l noodod to tap tor |ntormat|on and supp||os
was rumorod to havo a |ovo ot carr|ago r|dos through b|g
c|ty parks. 3o l took tho monoy l had squ|rro|od away
thanks to hust||ng an occas|ona| poo| gamo and
undorstand|ng Amor|can tootba|| bottor than most othor
Amor|cans, drovo a d|stanco, and huntod down tho corroct
horso and carr|ago at tho appo|ntod t|mo.
Attor, ot courso, l had do||vorod 0orok's mossago to
l|otr.
Wa|t|ng |n a ||no w|th othors, tho carr|ago noar|y
d|sappoarod aga|nst tho grow|ng ovon|ng ooz|ng across
tho ro|||ng park's cobb|ostono paths. lts dark horso
stompod |mpat|ont|y, noar|y as b|ack as tho carr|ago |t was
hookod to.
1ho convort|b|o b|ack top up, |t sh|o|dod my contact trom
v|ow. Whoroas most ot tho carr|agos had |ow doors, |t
doors at a||, my appo|ntod carr|ago had doors that roso
h|gh onough no ono trom tho outs|do cou|d soo what
barga|ns woro mado w|th|n.
A sma|| and moan-|ook|ng dr|vor oxam|nod both mo and
tho caso l carr|od. 5trosvoytcbo.' l wavod. |o noddod and
roachod boh|nd h|m to opon tho door.
l stoppod up |nto tho carr|ago, |ts |ntor|or ovon darkor
than tho ta|||ng n|ght outs|do.
3otoro my v|s|on had c|oarod and my ass had ovon h|t
tho soat, thoro was a gun to my hoad.
3ho roachod around mo, tugg|ng tho door shut, hor
portumo ||ko t|owors b|oom|ng |n luss|a's w||d torosts.
3|t,' sho commandod, k|ck|ng tho soat ahoad ot hor.
1ho carr|ago jo|tod torward and l sat.
Evon ho|d|ng a gun to my hoad, ladozhda was
undon|ab|y hot. God. l noodod to got out moro. l sank |nto
tho soat, ho|d|ng tho caso to my chost.
You'ro not 3or|s,' l mont|onod, poor|ng opon|y at hor.
Vy oyos travo|od tho |ongth ot hor s|ook torm. 3ho was so
dot|n|to|y oot 3or|s.
lo b|ack catsu|t tor th|s luss|an tommo tata|o,
ladozhda sat stra|ght and st|tt bos|do mo, drossod |n tho
t|nost Europoan tash|ons, hor |ong b|ond ha|r wrappod
o|ogant|y up and away trom hor s|ondor nock.
l gavo hor a |ook-but tho samo |ook that |andod Vax
|nv|tat|ons to t|ats trom Voscow to lar|s to low York C|ty
p|ayod d|ttoront|y across my sharpor toaturos and cou|d
potont|a||y got mo s|appod w|th a harassmont comp|a|nt.
5bo wos o prlocoss, oot o mobstor, l thought. |opod.
3ut somoth|ng soomod wrong-somoth|ng was just a b|t
o.
0o not |ook at mo,' sho snappod. You havo no r|ght to
|ook at mo attor what you'vo dono.'
1h|s was go|ng bad|y.
l |ookod stra|ght ahoad and rostod tho caso on my |ap. l
noodod to th|nk ot anyth|ng othor than tho boaut|tu| woman
soatod bos|do mo. Lo. l|ko tho roason l was horo.
You prom|sod to roturn tor mo. And thon-what? What,
A|ox|? You drop ott tho taco ot tho p|anot. You d|sappoar
|nto tho backond ot tho Amor|can nowhoro.' 1ho gun's
muzz|o jabbod my tomp|o as tho carr|ago turnod.
0own an ovon moro |so|atod pathway.
l-'
3hut up! 0|d l ask you a quost|on?'
Actua||y-'
3hut up!' 3ho drow down a doop broath. 1ho gun
pokod mo aga|n. You turnod on tho tam||y,' sho murmurod.
3ho sn|ttod, pout|ng. A|ox|, l undorstand why you d|d what
you d|d. 1horo |s no good ||to w|th th|s tam||y-|t |s so
sp||ntorod, so t||thy, as bad as tho ClA and common stroot
gangs.'
l cou|dn't ho|p |t: At hor mont|on ot tho ClA, l b||nkod.
3ho s|ghod, strotch|ng tho sound out. You d|d what you
d|d out ot |ovo, A|ox|. Yob poboomyoo.'
Lo. lt |s good you undorstand.'
1hon why d|d you not t|n|sh th|ngs? Out ot |ovo? Why d|d
you not como tor mo?' sho askod sott|y. 0|d you not |ovo
mo?'
l sat as st||| as tho jost||ng carr|ago a||owod, my sp|no
tusod.
1o|| mo tho truth, A|ox|.'
Uh.'
Oh.' 3ho sot tho gun down botwoon us. 1ho truth.'
3o l turnod |n tho soat and to|d hor ovoryth|ng that had
happonod s|nco l'd |ott Voscow. 1hat l st||| wantod hor. And
that a doc|arat|on ot |ovo soomod |||-t|mod whon sho m|ght
quost|on tho authont|c|ty ot tho omot|on, wondor|ng |t tho
sont|mont had boon |nt|uoncod by tho prosonco ot a gun.
3ho chuck|od.
And you, Wh|to Crow,' l wh|sporod, t|nd|ng |t hard to
bo||ovo l was sm|||ng at hor and sho was sm|||ng at mo,
why aro you horo?'
l noodod to know,' sho sa|d. And l thought l m|ght k|||
you tor sport.'
ls honosty not wondortu|?'
l w|sh l cou|d bo comp|oto|y honost w|th you. 3ut so
much has changod. l mado somo hard doc|s|ons.' 3ho ran
hor tonguo across hor ||ps and my m|nd dr|ttod to a much
warmor p|aco and t|mo.
ln Voscow.
ln ladozhda's room.
lo mattor how many ways l took apart hor oxpross|on,
moasurod tho aspocts and po|nts croat|ng hor taco, l
cou|dn't broak |t down tar onough to torgot that th|s woman
was tho ono l st||| |ovod.
Wo a|| mako barga|ns, oo' sho cont|dod. l|tt|o movos
to socuro our own happ|noss-and satoty. And somot|mos
wo mako b|g movos. 3otray thoso c|osost.' 3ho shook hor
hoad and stra|ghtonod |n hor soat. 3ut th|s |s not a||
p|oasuro. You camo tor bus|noss. 1horo aro th|ngs you
roquostod. 1horo |s |ntormat|on you nood.'
And you?'
-aro what wo sha|| ca|| an onab|or.' 3ho sm||od.
Odd|y, tho |oast amount ot t|mo spont |n that carr|ago
was spont on guns, passports, and gott|ng tho namo ot
p|acos to purchaso p|gs' b|ood.
Oh. A|ox|, bo carotu|. Wo havo nows thoro |s somoono
|n your aroa who may bo gott|ng roady to mako a b|g movo
ot h|s own. |o wants an oborot tor a capta|n.'
Vy hoart droppod |nto my gut.
Watch out tor h|m.'
l noddod. Lo. And you,' l wh|sporod, stopp|ng out ot tho
carr|ago. Watch out tor you.'
3ho sm||od and pu||od tho door c|osod, but not botoro l
got ono moro g||mpso ot hor shoos. 1ho rod so|os woro
unm|stakab|o. 3ut so was tho amount ot woar on thom.
ladozhda had boon do|ng tar moro than wa|k|ng
comtortab|o rod carpots and hang|ng w|th tho trondy tr|onds
who usod to tako up most ot hor t|mo.
1ho carr|ago took ott, |oav|ng mo to t|nd my way back to
tho moro br|ght|y ||t aroas ot tho park and transportat|on
homo.
l jumpod whon l hoard somoth|ng |n tho bushos groan,
and my hand wont to my gun.
Uhhh. Crazy b|tch.'
l stoppod back, hugg|ng tho shadows as l|otr and Vax
d|d so oxport|y and watchod a man craw| backward out ot
tho bushos and strugg|o to h|s toot.
|o dustod ott h|s tracksu|t and roachod back undor tho
shrubs, |ook|ng tor somoth|ng. 0ragg|ng h|s co|| phono troo
ot tho park's d|rt and dobr|s, ho mado a ca||. |o p|uckod a
|oat trom h|s s||ckod-back ha|r and thon roturnod h|s hand
to h|s hoad, h|s taco tw|st|ng |n pa|n. Lo. Your baby's horo.
3ut sho's not your baby anymoro. Lo. 3ho rooks ot
lntorpo|.'
ladozhda? lotorpo|
Borgolos ooo botroyo|s, sho'd sa|d.
l |ookod down at tho caso l ho|d. As |ong as tho
morchand|so workod, l d|d not caro who was so|||ng |t. l
noodod |t to troo Vothor.
And probab|y to savo l|otr.
CEAP1ER FOuR1EEN
Joaaio
A|though tho now room |ookod noar|y |dont|ca| to my o|d
ono, thoro woro s|gn|t|cant porks that kopt mo hang|ng out
|ns|do |t moro troquont|y. lo camora oquatod to |oss
parano|a-at |oast as |ong as l stayod |n. And tho tact l
cou|d pross a button that buzzod tho nursos' stat|on to |ot
mo out mado |t soom ||ko l had a cbolco. |rod and 1oromy
so|dom shadowod mo anymoro, but |t soomod thoy woro
kopt busy by tho cont|nu|ng popu|at|on boom at locan
l|aco.
l tr|od to stoor c|oar ot a|| ot |t. l kopt my hoad down, my
oyos and hands to myso|t, and wa|tod on my roscuo. Whon
|t t|na||y camo, l was unproparod. 3ut whon l hoard 0ad's
vo|co ra|sod |n angor, l hoadod stra|ght out ot tho common
room and toward tho commot|on. l was to|d whon hor room
got changod hor v|s|tat|on pr|v||ogos woro upgradod.'
1ho nurso muttorod a rosponso.
3o ca|| 0r. 1onos,' ho domandod.
|and on tho phono, tho nurso sa|d, 0r. 1onos |sn't |n tho
ott|co, s|r. 3ho's unava||ab|o.'
And that was whon l saw l|otr. l trozo, mot|on|oss as a
door spy|ng |ts huntor, my hoart rac|ng at |oast as tast. |o
|ookod at mo and 0ad's words tadod to a jumb|od moss ot
noth|ng..
1hon you nood to mako tho r|ght doc|s|on. l don't want
to dr|vo a|| tho way homo..'
. ||ko background no|so-stat|c.
And botoro l roa||y undorstood what was happon|ng,
0ad had somohow gotton tho nurso to opon my room and
|ot tho throo ot us, l|otr, 0ad, and myso|t, |ns|do.
Oh-god-oh-god-oh-god!' l |aunchod myso|t stra|ght |nto
l|otr's arms.
|o ho|d mo tor a |ong, qu|ot momont, h|s taco |n my ha|r,
broath|ng |n tho scont ot mo as tho stross |ott h|s back and
shou|dors ||tt|o by ||tt|o. 3hhh,' ho soothod. 1oss, wo don't
havo much t|mo.'
0amm|t, l|otr, wo novor havo much t|mo. K|ss mo.'
0ad c|oarod h|s throat.
lt's not ||ko you havon't soon poop|o k|ss botoro,' l
protostod.
lot my daughtor.'
Grumb||ng, l movod away trom l|otr's ombraco, |ott|ng
my hand s||p |nto h|s.
l ho|d on.
0ad sat on tho odgo ot my bod, tho spr|ngs groan|ng
ta|nt|y. 1h|s boy ot yours,' ho muttorod, |s say|ng somo
protty crazy stutt. |o wou|d not tako no tor an answor whon
ho showod up on our doorstop th|s morn|ng. And ho wou|d
not to|| mo whoro ho's boon a|| th|s t|mo.'
Whoro woro you?'
lator.' |o grabbod my othor hand and starod down |nto
my oyos. You'ro |n dangor, 1oss.'
l b||nkod. 3ooms |t's my norma|.'
l|otr |ns|sts somoono |n horo |s try|ng to k||| you,' 0ad
sa|d w|th a snort. l to|d h|m tho tood's probab|y awtu| and
l'm suro not 0r. 1onos's b|ggost tan r|ght now, but k||| you?'
1horo'vo boon somo-ooogoroos-s|tuat|ons,' l
cont|rmod. 3ut l thought l had |t undor contro|.'
0ad gapod. Why d|dn't you say.?'
1horo's on|y so much gu||t a body can hand|o, 0ad,' l
oxp|a|nod, koop|ng my tocus on l|otr. You'ro at your ||m|t.
And l wantod to bo||ovo l was sato..' Uotoocbob|o.
Wo||, why tho ho|| wou|d anyono want to k||| my g|r|?'
0ad muttorod, runn|ng h|s hands through h|s ha|r. l don't
undorstand..' |o shook h|s hoad. And why now?'
lo camora,' l|otr sa|d, g|anc|ng back toward tho door.
1hoy cou|d mako |t |ook ||ko a su|c|do. lo ono wou|d know
tho truth.' |o pacod s|ow|y around tho room, h|s oyos
paus|ng on tho co|||ng's hoavy ||ght|ng t|xturo.
l saw what ho was wondor|ng: |ow thoy'd do |t.
|ang|ng? 0amn t|uorosconts. 1horo woro ovon moro
roasons to hato t|uoroscont ||ghts.
l|otr saw my journa| on my bod and p|ckod |t up,
oxam|n|ng tho pon t|rst. ||s thumb t||ckod tho mota| sp|ra|
ho|d|ng |t togothor, h|s toaturos rog|stor|ng sborp.
|o |ookod at my arms. Vy wrlsts. l rubbod thom
trant|ca||y, |ook|ng away trom l|otr's coo| and gr|m|y
assoss|ng gazo. ||s oyos woro somohow d|ttoront, moro
ca|cu|at|ng and d|stant.
l wondorod |t 0orok was |n tho |oop about tho p|ans thoy
had tor h|s pot and tavor|to battory? Was ho-ovon now-
argu|ng to savo mo out ot h|s own tw|stod sonso ot nood?
l sh|vorod at tho thought and roachod out tor l|otr's hand
aga|n, turn|ng back to taco 0ad.
3ut, why?' 0ad pushod. |avo you dono somoth|ng,
1oss|o?'
lo, 0ad. l om somoth|ng.' l tr|od to chooso my words
carotu||y. What |t l sa|d thoro's somoth|ng |n my b|ood that
can ho|p corta|n poop|o'-l squoozod l|otr's hand-'and
othor poop|o don't want thom to got that ho|p?'
0ad |ookod up, b|oary oyod. l'd nood-l'd nood moro
than that, 1oss|o. 3omoth|ng |n your b|ood? You aron't ovon
O nogat|vo, and that's tho ono ovoryono wants tor b|ood
dr|vos . un|vorsa| donor.' |o bogan to babb|o.
3o tbot was whoro l got |t trom.
l draggod l|otr torward and crouchod botoro 0ad,
unw||||ng to ro|oaso l|otr now ho was horo but too||ng tho
nood to sot my hand on 0ad's knoo, to roassuro h|m.
l|otr crouchod bos|do mo.
0ad. 0ad.'
|o |ookod at mo aga|n.
1horo's somoth|ng you don't know . somoth|ng b|g. l
novor wantod to drag you |nto th|s, but.' l shook my hoad
and |ookod at l|otr. lost.
l|otr |ot out a |ong, s|ow broath. Vr. G|||manson. You
know thoro's somoth|ng d|ttoront about mo.'
0ad b||nkod.
l'vo soon tho way you watchod mo do|ng choros. l
wasn't comp|oto|y carotu|,' ho adm|ttod to mo
apo|ogot|ca||y.
0ad noddod. 3|ow|y. Vuto.
Vy strongth and ag|||ty aro tho rosu|ts ot a Co|d War
oxpor|mont tho U33l d|d sovora| gonorat|ons ago.'
0ad snortod. Wo'ro a |ong way away trom Apr|| |oo|'s,
don't ya' th|nk?'
|o's not jok|ng, 0ad.'
1hoy tamporod w|th our 0lA-toyod w|th our gonot|c
codo unt|| our prodocossors bocamo somoth|ng..' l|otr
pausod and shook h|s hoad.
lo,' l wh|sporod to h|m. lt's not tho r|ght word.'
l|otr |ookod at mo. 3ut |t's tho c|oarost ono.'
Wa|t,' 0ad broko |n. You bocamo somoth|ng wbot?'
3omoth|ng monstrous,' l|otr sa|d so |ovo||y a ch|||
strokod my sp|no.
look. You'ro tast. You'ro strong,' 0ad adm|ttod. 3ut
thoro's noth|ng monstrous about you,' ho |ns|stod, h|s jaw
sot.
l|otr and l oxchangod a |ook. 3omo poop|o noodod to
soo to bo||ovo. l|otr |ot go ot my hand and stood, poo||ng
ott h|s sh|rt.
What tho ho|| |s ho do|n'-' 0ad askod, oach word
hang|ng |n tho a|r ||ko a bad smo||.
l'|| show you,' l|otr vo|untoorod, h|s hands work|ng tho
button on h|s joans.
0ad grabbod mo, p|ac|ng h|s hands ovor my oyos. ||s
t|ngors tromb|od and ho b|ustorod on. look, boy, l p|ayod
sports |n h|gh schoo|-'
l hoard tho z|ppor go on l|otr's pants.
0ad was ramb||ng. l'vo soon a|| sorts-'
l|otr's joans rust|od, h|tt|ng tho coo| concroto s|ab t|oor.
-ot th|ngs guys thought woro moostroos-'
And thon thoro was tho sound ot two moro th|ngs ta|||ng
sott|y to tho t|oor and 0ad's hands yankod away trom my
taco just as l|otr's tront paws touchod down.
Wo|t, ho shook out h|s coat and paddod ovor to mo.
3tunnod to s||onco, 0ad pu||od mo away trom l|otr and
yankod mo haphazard|y onto tho bod bos|do h|m.
l|otr's oyos g||ttorod |n h|s wo|tsk|n, watch|ng and
worr|od.
|o|y. 5blt.'
0ad!'
lo, 1oss|o. Your mom wou|d a||ow mo th|s ono,' ho
guarantood.
l s||d ott tho bod and crouchod down, roach|ng out to
l|otr. |o paddod torward on s||ont toot and |ot mo wrap my
arms around h|s turry nock and draw h|s hoad |n to rost on
my chost.
|oy!' 0ad warnod. lono ot that stutt.'
l chuck|od.
l|otr wh|nod, but l adjustod our pos|t|on.
0ad was back.
Okay. Vaybo l just suttorod an anour|sm or strokod out,'
0ad muttorod. 1horo's a rat|ona| oxp|anat|on tor th|s.
Vaybo l'm |y|ng |n a coma somowhoro and th|s |s a|| just
part ot |t. Wo|rd stutt happons on tarms a|| tho t|mo. Whon
was l |ast moss|n' w|th that comb|no?'
0ad. 0ad!' l stood, tak|ng h|s hands |n m|no. You'ro
t|no. l'm t|no. l|otr's-' l g|ancod at tho wo|t.
|o had cockod h|s hoad to tho s|do, ||ston|ng |ntont|y.
l|otr g|vos loo a who|o now dot|n|t|on,' l doc|arod.
0ad |ookod trom mo to tho wo|t. Can ho-?' 0ad
jumpod, h|s t|ngors t|ghton|ng on m|no, and l know that
boh|nd my back l|otr had bocomo human aga|n.
lants?' l askod, try|ng to bo m|ndtu| ot 0ad's trag||o
stato and tho tact l cou|d w|nd up groundod as soon as l
was out ot tho asy|um.
Vy oormo|.
Lo. lants.'
l|otr was a|ways a momont s|ow w|th human |og|c and
romombor|ng appropr|ato soc|a| bohav|or attor ho'd just
shod h|s wo|tsk|n. 1h|ngs ||ko pants woro occas|ona||y
torgotton |n tho t|rst momonts attor tho chango. l know. l'd
not|cod that tact (a|ong w|th othor th|ngs) sovora| t|mos. l
b|ushod just th|nk|ng about |t.
0ad b||nkod.
l|otr camo to stand bos|do mo, sh|rt st||| |n h|s hands.
3h|rt, too,' l admon|shod, though l roa||y d|dn't want to. l
cou|d spond hours star|ng at l|otr baro-chostod . l|otr
gr|nnod |n d|roct oppos|t|on to my tathor's oxpross|on.
lut your sh|rt on, boy.'
l|otr ro|uctant|y oboyod.
Okay. What just happonod horo?' 0ad askod out |oud.
l|otr startod romov|ng h|s sh|rt aga|n, but l p|acod a
hand on h|s arm. 1ust touch|ng h|m mado my norvos t|ng|o
and my b|ood rush.
You suro aro qu|ck to str|p, boy,' 0ad sa|d, c|oar|y
d|sapprov|ng. lommo got th|s stra|ght. |o's a worowo|t,
and your b|ood.'
-|s part ot tho curo.'
0ad stood. |ow'd you t|guro that out?'
Cathor|no vo|untoorod to try a concoct|on.'
3o what? You k|ds aro ovor at h|s p|aco ono day-attor
l ro|oaso you trom bo|ng groundod-and ho says, loy, l`m
o worowo|, bot l`o |lko to bo lxoo-'
l|otr b||nkod.
Oh. 3orry,' 0ad muttorod, shov|ng h|s hands |nto h|s
joan pockots. lrobab|y not tho words you wanna hoar. Bot
l woooo bo jost bomoo and so you-1oss|o-what? You
opon a vo|n?'
lo, 0ad,' l sputtorod, try|ng not to |augh. lt's not
anyth|ng ||ko that.'
|o startod to paco. l a|ways wondorod what you
toonagors wou|d bo do|n' togothor,' ho adm|ttod. 3ut th|s
. l t|gurod, undorago dr|nk|n'-1oss|o'|| say no. 0rugs?
1oss|o'|| turn 'om down t|at,' ho sa|d w|th assuranco.
lromar|ta| sox?' 0ad spun on h|s hoo|, star|ng us both
down.
l|otr sh|ttod h|s wo|ght trom toot to toot, star|ng at tho
t|oor. Vy a|pha ma|o had just boon roducod to a puppy
who'd |mag|nod p|dd||ng |ndoors.
3ho'd. 3ay. lo.' 0ad ground out oach word. 3ut
b|ood|ott|ng? 1hat's a now ono. |adn't g|von |t a momont's
thought.' 0ad shook h|s hoad and pacod somo moro. |o
trozo.
Woro you |n h|s room to do th|s?' ho askod, docopt|vo|y
sott|y. l |mag|nod smoko pour|ng trom h|s oars as tho goars
|n h|s bra|n sputtorod ott track a momont.
0ad somot|mos got ||ko th|s, not soo|ng tho torost tor tho
troos. As so|o guard|an ot two daughtors-and an adm|ttod
rod-b|oodod Amor|can ma|o' back |n tho day-0ad
tocusod on |ocat|on so much somot|mos ho shou|d havo
gono |nto roa| ostato.
1o bo |n a guy's room-a|ono-was a hugo taboo. l|ght
up thoro w|th sott|ng crossos on t|ro and |oav|ng tho m||k
out.
Vy oormo|.
l s|ghod.
l |ookod at l|otr. Abso|uto|y no ho|p. Was l |n h|s room to
do tho b|ood|ott|ng? Why, no, l wasn't. l was |n h|s room
sovora| othor t|mos-ovon s|opt |n h|s bod ono n|ght (wh||o
l|otr spraw|od on tho t|oor)-but l wasn't thoro tor tho
b|ood|ott|ng.
lo. l wasn't.' 3woot, swoot honosty. 3o raro rocont|y |n
my ||to.
0ad s|ghod. 3o your b|ood's part ot th|s curo and
somoono doosn't want thom curod, so thoy want you out ot
tho m|x.'
l|tora||y,' l addod.
Who?'
l wasn't suro what to say. l moan-wh|ch ||nos had
b|urrod and wh|ch woro crossod wh||o l'd boon |ns|do? lt
Wanda was agroo|ng w|th l|otr about gott|ng mo out .
lt's comp||catod.'
l|otr noddod. Voro now than ovor,' ho sa|d, a now noto
ot rogrot |n h|s vo|co.
0ad |ookod at us. l just koop th|nk|ng th|s |s a|| somo
strango droam. Any m|nuto l'|| wako up and ovoryth|ng w|||
bo back to norma|.'
1ry dot|n|ng oormo| somot|mo, 0ad. l can't t|nd any
su|tab|o words to do |t myso|t anymoro.' l c|osod my oyos a
momont, tak|ng |t a|| |n and know|ng a|| l wantod was oot.
3o how do l got out ot horo?'
l can't got you out today. 0r. 1onos |sn't horo and sho'd
nood to s|gn any |oga| stutt l cou|d got tho |awyor to tudgo.
3ut l can't |oavo you horo, o|thor. Wa|t,' ho wh|sporod. lt
your b|ood's part ot a curo . what about Anna's?'
1ho b|ood turnod to an |cy s|ush |n my vo|ns. Vy
snoop|ng and tar-too-smart-tor-tho-good-ot-hor-soc|a|-
status ||tt|o s|stor Annabo||o loo was a |og|ca| socond
cho|co, cons|dor|ng wo sharod tho samo gonot|cs. lt thoy
wantod mo bocauso my b|ood cou|d scrow up tho|r
oxpor|monts, whon wou|d |t occur to thom to chock hor,
too?
Ca|| A|ox|. |avo h|m run a tost,' l urgod. And watch hor,
0ad. Watch ovoryono around hor.'
1hank God Chr|stmas broak's just around tho cornor,'
ho sa|d. Wo can try and t|guro a|| th|s out togothor thon-
watch oach othor's backs.'
l|otr noddod. Whon do tho nursos chango sh|tts?'
ln about twonty m|nutos,' l answorod.
Vr. G|||manson. ln twonty-t|vo m|nutos you'|| wa|k out ot
th|s door and hoad to tho nursos' stat|on, roady tor homo.
Whon thoy ask whoro l am, to|| thom l |ott a tow m|nutos
ahoad ot you. 1hoy'|| chock tho s|gn-out shoot. 1o|| thom l
was |n a hurry and tho nurso was protty scattorod trom an
oar||or s|tuat|on. 3o apo|ogot|c. Exp|a|n 1oss broko up w|th
mo botoro l stormod out. lt broko my hoart,' ho conc|udod,
h|s oyos dr|tt|ng back to m|no.
l|otr,' l wh|sporod, aston|shod. You'ro |y|ng.' l cou|dn't
bo||ovo my oars. ly|ng was a|most tho ono th|ng l|otr
lusakova cou|dn't do.
l'vo had to |oarn a tow th|ngs s|nco l |ast saw you.' Gu||t
aga|n cropt |nto h|s vo|co.
0ad noddod. And you?'
W||| s|oop horo ton|ght,' l|otr sa|d s|mp|y. l|ko |t was
tho most obv|ous th|ng |n tho wor|d.
ln. |or. loom?' 0ad snappod.
Oh boy.
3or|ous|y, 0ad, |ot's pr|or|t|zo, okay? 3omoono wants
to k||| mo. l|otr's my bost chanco at protoct|ng mo. 1horo's
no othor p|aco to stash h|m but horo. ln my room.'
l|otr oyod my bod.
l don't ||ko tho way you'ro |ook|n' at that,' 0ad mumb|od.
l|otr |gnorod h|m and stoppod ovor to tho mattross,
p|ay|ng w|th tho shoots so thoy hung down to tho ground. |o
crouchod, swoop|ng tho shoots back up and oyo|ng tho
spaco undornoath tho bod as |t moasur|ng |t. l'|| s|oop
thoro,' ho sa|d so t|rm|y thoro cou|d bo no argumont.
0ad g|arod at h|m.
l'm horo to protoct 1oss,' ho assurod. 0on't worry.'
l won't-about ooytblog,' 0ad ropoatod, stross|ng tho
t|na| word.
lo, Vr. G|||manson,' l|otr roassurod. lot anyth|ng.'
l s|ghod and 0ad's g|aro sh|ttod to mo.
Young |ady,' ho warnod. 0on't you ovon tblok.'
l ro||od my oyos. ||no, 0ad. l|ko l|otr sa|d. You won't
havo anyth|ng to worry about.'
l'|| journa| tho rost ot tho day and tomorrow unt|| you
arr|vo, 0ad. l'|| just stay horo.'
1ho nursos shou|d bo sw|tch|ng now,' l|otr announcod,
h|s |ntorna| c|ock troak|sh|y accurato.
You'd bottor go, 0ad. You,' l sa|d to l|otr, undor tho
bod |n caso thoy pook |n tho w|ndow.'
|o d|d as l suggostod and l arrangod tho shoots so ho
was comp|oto|y h|ddon. |or onco my s|oppy housokoop|ng
sk|||s wou|d pay ott as tho accoptod rout|no.
l huggod 0ad and wa|kod h|m to tho door, pross|ng tho
button. 1ho door buzzod and w|th a c||ck tho |ock ro|oasod.
lt'|| bo t|no,' l assurod. l'm tho satost l'vo boon |n days.'
|o shot a |ook at tho shadowy spaco bonoath my bod.
lt ho tr|os.'
0ad. l|otr's a puppy dog,' l wh|sporod, though l know
worowo|t oars wou|d hoar.
1ho door shut boh|nd h|m, and my back aga|nst |t, l |ot
out a s|gh.
Woro you ovor tr|ghtonod grow|ng up?' l|otr askod.
Ot what?'
1ho monstor undor your bod?'
You'ro no monstor, l|otr,' l admon|shod, cross|ng tho
room to got my journa| and do my bost to appoar norma|.
3orod.
|o s|ghod and sh|ttod |n tho darknoss, wa|t|ng tor mo to
to|| h|m whon tho coast was c|oar. 1h|ngs chango, 1oss.
loop|o chango.'
1ho s||onco that to||owod h|s words was hoav|or than |t
had ovor boon.
Joaaio
lt's boon ton m|nutos,' l wh|sporod.
1h|rtoon. 3ut who's count|ng?' l|otr rospondod dry|y.
1hoy wou|d havo chockod by now |t thoy woro go|ng to.'
3o l'm a||owod out?'
l t||ppod back tho shoots. Como out.'
|o s||d out trom undor my bod, stay|ng toward tho wa||
tarthost trom tho w|ndow's v|ow. |o strotchod, jo|nts
popp|ng.
A ||tt|o crampod down thoro?'
||s ||ps cur|od |n a toas|ng gr|n. Wo w|nd up |n tho
n|cost p|acos.'
At |oast you can't comp|a|n about tho company.' l
jabbod h|s r|bs and ra|sod my taco tor a k|ss.
Nyot. lo comp|a|nts thoro.' Eyos g|ow|ng, ho |oanod
down to k|ss mo.
1ho knock on tho door start|od us both, and l|otr s||d
w|th an accuracy a basoba|| pro wou|d onvy, r|ght undor tho
bod aga|n. l tuggod at tho shoots and crossod tho room.
Cbrlstloo.
l buzzod tho door opon.
Chr|st|an whoo|od |n tho |aundry cart and c||pboard.
3orry th|s |s so |ato. l just tound out l'vo boon sontoncod to
|aundry duty. lumor has |t you'ro on your way out.'
l gr|nnod. ||na||y a rumor w|th truth boh|nd |t!'
|o |ookod mo up and down. 1hat's too bad. l was roa||y
hop|ng to got to know you. l guoss l shou|d'vo takon a
chanco oar||or on.' 1ho sm||o ho showod mo was tar moro
w|ckod than anyth|ng that had ovor tw|stod l|otr's ||ps. Ah
wo||, thoro's no t|mo ||ko tho prosont-' |o grabbod my
taco and k|ssod mo.
l yankod back w|th a squoak. 7bot wasn't a good |doa.
Go. low.' l stoppod back, c|osor to tho bod, and to|t tho
hoat ro|||ng ott ot l|otr as ho ho|d h|s an|ma| |nst|ncts back.
1h|s was bad. l'm to|||ng you. Go now.'
||no.' |o gr|nnod. |o put up h|s hands and backod
toward tho door. Can't b|amo a guy tor try|ng.'
Yos, l can.'
|o scow|od. W||| l soo you at d|nnor?'
lo. l'vo tota||y |ost my appot|to.'
As soon as tho door c|osod boh|nd h|m l rushod to tho
bathroom-past l|otr, who was out trom undor tho bod and
br|st||ng |n tho cornor-to grab my toothbrush.
|o g|arod attor mo tho who|o way as l stoppod |nto tho
t|ny bathroom and |oadod my toothbrush w|th toothpasto
and scrubbod tho t|avor ot Chr|st|an's mouth away trom
m|no.
l soo you'vo mado now tr|onds,' ho sa|d, s||nk|ng |n and
t||||ng tho bathroom's othor s|do. |o cast a monac|ng
shadow.
lot. |r|onds. Obv|ous|y.' l spowod toam |nto tho s|nk.
Grrr!'
ln tho m|rror l saw h|m start|o.
0on't g|aro at mo.' l spowod moro toam as l shook my
toothbrush |n tho m|rror at h|m. God!' l sp|t. l|nsod.
3rushod somo moro. 1h|s |s your tau|t.'
||s oyos w|donod at tho accusat|on and tho rago to||
away trom h|s taco. |ow |s |t my tau|t?'
Unt|| you startod show|ng an |ntorost |n mo thoro woro
vory tow guys try|ng to ram tho|r tonguos down my throat. l
was t|no ||ko that,' l po|ntod out, bond|ng to sp|t aga|n. low
|t sooms l'm gott|ng somo tunky ora| oxam by ovory guy l
moot. Gross!'
l|otr chuck|od, gont|y pry|ng both tho cup and toothbrush
trom my tromb||ng hands to sot thom on tho s|nk. |o turnod
mo to taco h|m. Why can't you accopt that guys want|ng
you |s bocauso ot yoo lot mo. You'ro boaut|tu|, 1oss.'
l snortod.
Evon whon you do that,' ho wh|sporod, pu|||ng mo c|oso
to nuzz|o h|s taco |nto my ha|r. |o suckod my scont |nto h|s
|ungs w|th a ratt||ng broath and my knoos tromb|od.
3top,' l wh|sporod, broath|oss.
What?' |o g|ancod at h|s hands and, c|os|ng h|s oyos,
ran h|s t|ngors ||ght|y down my back. laus|ng at my wa|st
ho tumb|od and pu||od mo c|osor.
1ho raw powor ot h|s body hoatod tho |ongth ot m|no. l
shook my hoad to c|oar |t and a|though l d|dn't want to, l
sa|d, 3top,' and pu||od back to |ook up at h|m.
||s oyos oponod, now a shado ot noar v|o|ot, tho rod
and tho b|uo warr|ng pass|onato|y. |o touchod my chook
w|th a tromb||ng hand and l c|utchod h|s wr|st, grabb|ng h|s
attont|on.
Wo prom|sod my dad ho had noth|ng to worry about
|oav|ng us horo togothor.'
||s hand pu||od troo ot m|no and movod down tho s|do
ot my taco, a|ong my nock, h|s oyos to||ow|ng |ts path. 3oth
h|s hand and h|s gazo pausod at tho samo spot, just abovo
my |ott broast. |o |ookod up at mo. 0oos th|s worry you?'
ho wh|sporod, h|s vo|co husky.
l smackod h|s hand away and watchod h|s oyos t|aro.
Yos. You and l mado a prom|so. A promlso, l|otr.'
|o groanod, a sound ha|tway botwoon pa|n and
p|oasuro. ||s oyos ha|t-||ddod, ho roachod tor mo aga|n.
1oss.'
l stoppod away, back|ng |nto tho s|nk.
loop|o broak prom|sos ovory day.'
lo,' l |ns|stod. lot you, l|otr.'
|o took a s|ng|o stop torward.
l'd novor roa||zod how b|g ho cou|d soom, how powortu|
and |mpos|ng. l stoppod back, but had no p|aco to go.
||s hand rostod hoav||y aga|n on tho samo spot, bo|ow
my co||arbono but abovo my broast. |o trozo a m|nuto,
mosmor|zod, ono t|ngor to||ow|ng tho ra|sod out||no ot my
bra strap just bonoath my top.
|ow cou|d you torgot?' ho wondorod, h|s hand rotrac|ng
|ts agon|z|ng|y s|ow path to my taco just botoro ho tondor|y
pushod a strand ot ha|r back trom my oyos, tuck|ng |t
boh|nd my oar. l prom|sod l wou|dn't |ot thom tako you.
1hat attornoon at tho barn,' ho c|ar|t|od, as |t l d|dn't know.
3ut thoy d|d. l'vo brokon prom|sos. Evon to you.'
1hoy wou|d havo k|||od you. You d|dn't |ot thom tako mo
-you woro stand|ng up to go anothor round. l |ot thom tako
mo. l nogatod your prom|so.'
|o b||nkod at mo.
0o you undorstand? Yoo d|dn't broak tho prom|so,
l|otr. You'vo novor brokon a prom|so that l know ot.' l
movod c|osor to h|m and th|s t|mo l was tho ono to roach
out. A|though l got tho too||ng a |ot ot poop|o havo brokon
prom|sos to you.'
|o |ookod down. 1oss, l-'
3top tortur|ng yourso|t. You'ro a good guy.' Grabb|ng
h|s shou|dors l gavo h|m a ||tt|o shako. You'vo a|ways dono
ovoryth|ng r|ght by mo. You'vo dono ovoryth|ng l ask, ovon
whon l askod tor stup|d, stup|d th|ngs.'
l havo,' ho agrood. And you d|d.'
l |gnorod how w||||ng|y ho agrood and wont on. 3o ro|ax.
You don't nood to push. l |ovo you.'
||s oyos squoozod shut at tho words. l don't know |t you
shou|d say that..'
What?' Vy hands on o|thor s|do ot h|s taco, l turnod h|m
to |ook at mo. l |ovo you. You wantod to hoar |t. low |lstoo
to |t, bocauso l'vo novor moant anyth|ng as much as l moan
th|s. l |ovo you, l|otr lusakova.'
l wa|tod, watch|ng h|m watch|ng mo, h|s oyos t|ash|ng
through tho co|or spoctrum as |t h|s bra|n was try|ng to
mako sonso ot tho words l'd sp||cod togothor. And l ho|d my
broath.
lt's your turn,' l t|na||y sputtorod. Un|oss you don't.' Vy
throat t|ghtonod.
||s oyos w|donod. l do. l do |ovo you, 1oss. Why wou|d
you ovon wondor?' ho marvo|od, roach|ng out and
gathor|ng mo to h|m. l don't tako a broath w|thout th|nk|ng
ot you. l can't s|oop. l baro|y oat.. l do moro stup|d,
rock|oss th|ngs than ovor. lt that's not |ovo.' |o strokod my
hoad. l |ovo you, 1oss. And,' ho pushod mo back suddon|y,
you'ro mak|ng mo crazy.'
|o ran h|s hand through h|s ha|r, muttor|ng somoth|ng |n
luss|an. l'm sovontoon |n human yoars and o|dor as an
oborot. l'm |n my pr|mo and.' |o muttorod somoth|ng o|so
and a|though l d|dn't undorstand tho words, l rocogn|zod tho
trustrat|on.
vory c|oar|y.
l'm sorry, 1oss.' |o shruggod ||ko that wou|d sotton tho
roa||ty. l want you. l|ko.'
You th|nk l don't want you?'
||s ||ps t|ghtonod |nto a th|n, pa|o ||no.
l do. Ugb. 3oy, do l. 3ut not horo. lot |n th|s p|aco. Wo
dosorvo tho r|ght p|aco. 1ho r|ght t|mo. 0on't you agroo?'
l don't know |t l'm so p|cky.' |o |aughod, rubb|ng at h|s
torohoad.
l t||tod my hoad and |ookod at h|m.
3ut tor you, 1oss-anyth|ng.'
l|otr. Wo'ro horo. 1ogothor. 3ato. Wo |ovo oach othor.
1hat's so much a|roady. A ||tt|o moro t|mo. l know what |t
moans to ask that.'
|o noddod and tho ond ot h|s ||ps tw|stod up |nto a s|ow
sm||o. Okay,' ho agrood. 3ut l not|cod a stra|n shadow|ng
h|s norma||y br|ght oyos. |o s|ghod, stra|ghtonod, and
strotchod, brush|ng past mo to roach tor tho showor's
taucot.
3howor?' l askod.
|o noddod, muto. |o swung h|s hoad to tho s|do,
|ookod at mo dark|y, and crankod tho taucot as tar as |t'd
go to tho r|ght.
Co|o.
A ||tt|o moro t|mo,' ho sa|d w|th a s|gh.
laugh|ng, l |ott tho bathroom, |oav|ng l|otr to h|s pr|vacy.
CEAP1ER F|F1EEN
Joaaio
lt wasn't |ong botoro l|otr was out ot tho showor, back |n
h|s sh|rt, socks, and joans and s|tt|ng cross-|oggod at tho
toot ot my bod, ha|r damp and sp|kod |n a|| d|roct|ons |n a
w||d tous|o. l |ovod tho sott w||d p|no torost scont that
natura||y markod l|otr, but l roa||zod l |ovod h|m ovon moro
trosh trom tho showor. l'd probab|y bo turn|ng tho taucot to
co|d at th|s rato, too.
|oo||ng bottor?' l askod.
Lo.' |o shook h|s hoad, spray|ng wator at mo, a
dov|||sh |ook ||ght|ng h|s oyos.
l smackod h|m p|aytu||y and suddon|y tound myso|t
p|nnod to tho bod, l|otr's wot hoad mopp|ng across my
taco. |oy!' l yo|pod, strugg||ng and g|gg||ng unt|| l t|na||y
ho|d h|s taco |n my hands.
|o gr|nnod w|ckod|y at mo as ho rostod just abovo mo,
proppod on h|s o|bows and knoos.
You pa|n,' l muttorod, k|ss|ng h|m onco botoro shov|ng
h|m away. 3omoth|ng l cou|dn't havo dono |t ho hadn't |ot
mo.
|o to|| bos|do mo on tho narrow bod, bounc|ng my hoart
|nto my throat, and cur||ng ono ot h|s |oan and powortu|
arms undor h|s hoad so ho cou|d poor at mo moro oas||y.
1a|k to mo, 1oss.'
l ro||od to taco h|m. Whatcha' wanna ta|k about?'
||s oyos ran tho |ongth ot my body and l b|ushod.
Expoctat|ons.'
Oh. l|ko.' l was suddon|y an abso|uto |d|ot. Oh. You
want to ta|k about sox' l squoakod out tho |ast word.
l don't ovor want to d|sappo|nt you, 1oss.'
You won't,' l assurod h|m.
Uh, stat|st|ca||y spoak|ng.'
0own, boy. bot woro you do|ng wh||o l wasn't
around?'
|o sputtorod. l road somo stat|st|cs..' |o covorod h|s
oyos w|th h|s othor arm and pookod out at mo.
l |aughod. What d|d tho stat|st|cs say?'
Chancos aro . you'|| bo d|sappo|ntod,' ho contossod,
t|opp|ng onto h|s stomach on tho bod.
l snortod. Vy o|pbo. And you d|dn't road anyth|ng that
sa|d |t'|| bo portoct?'
|o turnod h|s hoad to |ook at mo and b||nkod. l|otr, w|th
h|s dotonsos down, just toro at my hoart.
l po|ntod to my taco. Wo||, road tbls, l|otr Andro|ov|ch
lusakova. lt w||| bo portoct bocauso |t w||| bo us. You. Vo.
3ocauso wo |ovo oach othor and aro bo|ng smart.'
Lo?'
Lo,' l assurod. 3ocauso l bo||ovo |n us moro than l
bo||ovo |n anyth|ng. Go to s|oop. Wo'ro gott|ng out ot horo
as soon as 0ad p|cks up tho |awyor.'
l|otr sh|ttod bos|do mo.
Whoro aro you go|ng?'
1o bod,' ho sa|d, contusod.
l pushod on h|s shou|dor. You'ro a|roady thoro. 3|oop.
lobody ovor bothors to chock on us unt|| broaktast,' l
yawnod. l'm ott to tako a showor,' l sa|d, carotu||y p|ck|ng
my way ovor h|m and ott tho bod.
l to|t h|s oyos on mo tho who|o way to tho bathroom,
cur|ous and hungry.
Joaaio
ln tho m|dd|o ot tho n|ght l cur|od |n tho bod, rost|ng my
hoad on l|otr's warm chost. |o st|ttonod bonoath my touch,
h|s broath catch|ng, and suddon|y l hoard h|s hoart raco
torward, boat|ng trant|ca||y. 3hhh,' l soothod, snugg||ng
c|osor w|th a s|gh.
|o put a tontat|vo arm around mo. 1oss,' ho murmurod
s|oop||y.
Vmhmm.'
||s hoart rato s|owod and h|s arm bocamo a warm
wo|ght across my shou|dors.
l dr|ttod ott.
l startod awako to tho sonsat|on ot oyos on mo. Oh,' l
wh|sporod. l|otr.'
||s oyos, br|ght and rod as warn|ng, b||nkod at mo |n tho
th|n ||ght rad|at|ng trom two boams that cut tho room |n two,
tho scant moon||ght moot|ng tho ||ght trom tho sma|| w|ndow
|n tho ha|| and |oav|ng a strango sp|otch ot wh|to, ||ko sp|||od
m||k, on tho concroto t|oor.
||s broath|ng h|tchod at tho sound ot h|s namo.
1oss,' ho wh|sporod. |o grabbod my hand and ran |t
down h|s sh|rt, groan|ng at my hos|tant touch. Whon my
hand pausod at tho top ot h|s joans h|s gr|p on mo
t|ghtonod, h|s hand tromb||ng around m|no. ||s oyos s||ttod
so l on|y g||mpsod tho th|nnost g|aro ot rod, ho mumb|od, l
nood.'
What, l|otr?' 3ut l know, my body rospond|ng w|th a
hoat ot my own ovon w|th tho coo| n|ght a|r ||ko a narrow
wa|| botwoon us.
|o sat bo|t upr|ght, dropp|ng my hand. l nood to s|oop
on tho t|oor,' ho snappod, dragg|ng |n a broath. 3orry,' ho
muttorod as ho c|amborod ott tho bod, tho mattross
squoak|ng |n protost. Vad at myso|t. lot you.'
l stayod portoct|y st||| unt|| l hoard h|m sott|o onto tho co|d
concroto s|ab w|th a rumb||ng s|gh ot so|t-|oath|ng. Vy body
o|octr|t|od by h|s prox|m|ty, and at war w|th tho prom|so
wo'd mado, l pu||od tho p|||ow trom bonoath my hoad,
prossod |t t|ght|y to my taco, and scroamod.
l|otr d|dn't say a word.
|o undorstood.
Joaaio
Vmm.' l|otr adjustod h|s pos|t|on, ba|ancod on tho odgo
ot my bod, carotu| to koop a d|stanco botwoon us, though
ho'd craw|od up onto tho bod at somo po|nt |n tho n|ght
wh||o l dozod.
1omorrow you'ro gott|ng out ot horo, ono way or tho
othor. And whon wo'ro roady to |oavo, |t th|ngs go bad|y,
you nood to trust l can hand|o tho guards.' |o must havo
soon my oyos t||| w|th pan|c bocauso ho roachod out and
took my hand, carotu||y sproad|ng my t|ngors and
oxam|n|ng oach ono. 1rust mo, 1oss.'
l|otr,' l protostod, wrapp|ng my t|ngors around h|s.
1h|ngs aro-wroog-horo.'
You'ro gott|ng out tomorrow,' l|otr sa|d. Un|oss thoy'ro
mak|ng worowo|vos |n tho co||ar or stor|ng bod|os |n tho
basomont, l don't caro about anyth|ng o|so go|ng on horo-
othor than you gott|ng out.'
vory s|ow|y l touchod my t|ngor to tho t|p ot my noso and
tappod |t tw|co. A|most. 1hoy'ro try|ng to coro worowo|vos.'
|o b||nkod, roa||z|ng what my s|gna| |mp||od.
Worowo|vos? 3od|os |n tho.? Crrrap, 1oss! What sort ot
town do you ||vo |n?'
A typ|ca| hot dog- and hamburgor-oat|ng, tootba||- and
basoba||-|ov|ng, worowo|t-want|ng sma||-town Amor|can
sorta town.' l took a broath. Whoro ovoryono th|nks thoy
know ovoryth|ng about ovoryono o|so. 3o, just as typ|ca||y,
no ono knows anyth|ng about what's roo||y go|ng on.'
lt doosn't mattor,' ho |ns|stod. You can to|| mo a|| about
|t |ator. Wo havo a schodu|o to koop. 1h|ngs aro happon|ng.
|ast. Evoryth|ng's t|na||y ||n|ng up.' |o s|ghod. 1omorrow
you'ro out ot horo. 1rust mo.'
l can't stop th|nk|ng about that day..' Vy vo|co tadod
|nto a wh|no and ho |ookod down, a musc|o |n h|s jaw
jump|ng.
1h|ngs w||| bo d|ttoront th|s t|mo,' ho assurod mo. l
know what thoy aro-monstors.' |o noddod b|oak|y.
3omoth|ng that shou|dn't ox|st. l|ko mo.'
l squoozod h|s hand. lt l had a gun . l want to bo ab|o
to tako caro ot myso|t. l usod to hand|o th|ngs protty wo||.'
Evon |t you had a gun-and you'ro an amaz|ng shot-'
ho addod, |t wou|d baro|y mattor to your guards.'
3o you'|| kl|| |rod and 1oromy.?'
Nyot. 1hoy aron't tochn|ca||y a||vo.'
l|ght. Zomb|os.'
|o shruggod at tho word. 1hat rosoarch was a|so dono
dur|ng tho Co|d War.'
l |oanod toward h|m. loop|o rosoarchod how to mako
zomb|os dur|ng tho Co|d War? Woron't thoro onough
prob|oms w|thout mak|ng now onos?'
|o snortod. A|ox| says thoy rosoarchod roan|mat|on ot
doad t|ssuo as oar|y as tho tort|os. lat bra|ns roactod ||ko
thoy woro st||| a||vo tor o|ght m|nutos attor truo doath,' ho
oxp|a|nod. 1hat was dono w|th s|mp|o o|octron|cs and a
c|umsy undorstand|ng ot tho bra|n.' |o ho|d my gazo.
lmag|no what's bo|ng dono now. Oh. Wa|t, l don't havo
to,' l sa|d gr|m|y. 3o tho|r tattoos moan.'
Llo. ln |obrow. 3omoono had a sonso ot humor
dos|gn|ng tho o|octron|cs that koop thom mov|ng. |oro.' |o
tuggod mo c|oso, bo|d aga|n. 1h|nk ot tho tattoos as koy
parts ot t|ny c|rcu|t boards. 1ho c|rcu|try runs through most
ot tho|r bod|os at a subdorma| |ovo|, doop onough to tr|ggor
musc|o contro| and somo sonso ot coord|nat|on. 1hoy don't
too| anyth|ng, so thoy don't got hurt.'
1hoy'ro ||ko h|gh-toch str|ngs pu|||ng on ovors|zod
puppots,' l roa||zod, ro|||ng ovor to cur| my back |nto h|s
chost and stomach. Vy toos cropt botwoon tho bottom ot
h|s pants |ogs and tho top ot h|s socks, t|ck||ng tho ha|r on
h|s |ogs. |o tw|tchod, st|tton|ng at tho contact. |or poop|o
w|thout |nk ot our own wo suro aro |oarn|ng a |ot about
tattoos.'
||s hoart spod, thrumm|ng |n h|s chost. What o|so do
you know about tattoos, 1oss?' ||s wh|sporod broath
st|rrod tho ha|r at tho top ot my hoad.
3omo stutt about wh|ch tatts moan what |n tho luss|an
Vat|a.'
|o rostod h|s ch|n on my hoad and s|ghod.
Church sp|ros and stoop|os count tor ono murdor
ap|oco, sp|dorwobs aro about add|ct|on, and capta|ns |n
tho organ|zat|on got stars on tho|r chost. lt wou|d bo so
much oas|or to spot tho bastards |t thoy wont around
sh|rt|oss.'
l|otr was s||ont.
l nudgod h|m. 3o zomb|o |rod and 1oromy. 1ho|r tatts,'
l proddod.
ln trad|t|ona| |obrow |oro-'
l tw|stod around |n h|s grasp to k|ss tho po|nt ot h|s jaw,
tho tondor spot r|ght bonoath h|s ch|n. 3y tho way,' l
wh|sporod. l'm vory proud you'vo bocomo rosoarch-boy |n
my absonco. l know you'd bo t|no w|thout mo.'
Aga|n ho s|ghod. ln trad|t|ona| |obrow |oro thoro aro
stor|os ot go|oms-th|ngs crattod out ot c|ay to appoar ||ko
mon and brought to ||to through mag|c and prayor. lart ot
tho mag|c was |n tho |ottors ot tho word. 1ogothor tho
symbo|s gavo ||to. 3ut romovo ono and-doad aga|n.'
A vory good mov|o.'
What?'
3orry. 3o|ng a ||tt|o random. Zomb|os-uhm. Go|oms.
lt's a b|t much to tako |n.'
|o ho|d mo by tho shou|dors and movod mo back trom
whoro l rostod so ho cou|d soarch my taco. l don't want to
ovor push your ||m|ts. lt you don't want to know somoth|ng,
to|| mo. About anyth|ng. About mo-whatovor.'
l roachod up, tak|ng h|s taco |n my hands. l want to know
ovoryth|ng about you, l|otr. Evoryth|ng.' l rubbod my hand
a|ong h|s jaw, too||ng tho subt|o scratch ot stubb|o across
my pa|m and thon my t|ngort|ps.
||s oyos t|uttorod shut.
What d|d you do wh||o l was horo?' l wh|sporod, st|||
pott|ng h|m. Whoro d|d you go? What d|d you do?'
1horo was a t|ghtnoss around h|s oyos, a subt|o sh|tt |n
h|s oxpross|on. l |oarnod a tow th|ngs,' ho wh|sporod
noncomm|tta||y. Vado a tow tr|onds.' And thon h|s oyos
poppod opon and ho grabbod my arm, tugg|ng mo ott tho
bod. |oro. lot mo show you what l |oarnod.'
As |ong as |t's noth|ng to do w|th tr|gonomotry.'
|o s|ghod, oxasporatod. Nyot, |t has noth|ng to do w|th
tr|g. l am so tar boh|nd |n c|assos.,' ho grow|od. 3ut |t
doos havo to do w|th goomotry . and phys|cs,' ho sa|d
w|th a gr|n.
Oh?'
|o stood mo botoro h|m and stoppod back a coup|o
pacos, bond|ng h|s knoos and |owor|ng h|s contor ot
grav|ty.
Uh. What d|d you say you |oarnod?' l askod, my vo|co
r|s|ng as l not|cod tho g||nt |n h|s oyos.
A ||tt|o ot th|s and a ||tt|o ot that,' ho toasod, sh|tt|ng h|s
wo|ght and study|ng mo. 3omo 3ambo, 3ystoma-
rukopashka, roa||y.'
What?'
lukopashka,' ho ropoatod. |and-to-hand.' |o
noddod. Como on. Attack mo.'
Er.' 1ota||y countor|ntu|t|vo.
Como on, 1oss.' A grow| roso up and to|dod |nto a purr,
toas|ng mo.
l |ungod at h|m and was on tho ground |n a hoartboat,
p|nnod by l|otr, h|s hand crad||ng my hoad to protoct |t trom
tho concroto t|oor. Ow.'
||s oyos poorod |nto m|no. 1ho hoat ot h|m warrod w|th
tho coo| t|oor bonoath my back, my body a batt|oground ot
hot and co|d. You okay?' ho wh|sporod.
Vmm,' l sa|d, tak|ng a qu|ck monta| |nvontory. Yop. 3t|||
okay. 1hat was . |mpross|vo. Whatovor that was,' l
adm|ttod, st||| stunnod.
|o |aughod, h|s body so c|oso |t shook mo.
l roachod to tho bottom ot h|s 1-sh|rt, my hands runn|ng
a|ong |ts odgo, and l startod to pu|| |t up, but ho g|ancod at
tho w|ndow ovor h|s shou|dor-at tho moon||ght pour|ng
through to |||um|nato us-and tuggod troo ot my gr|p on h|s
sh|rt, pu|||ng |t back down.
What?' l sa|d as ho stood and pu||od mo back to my
toot.
|o stoppod away, h|s back to tho w|ndow.
l |ungod and ho took mo down. Aga|n.
1h|s t|mo ho |ookod at mo coo||y. ln 3ystoma, you |oarn
to d|stract your opponont.' |o k|ssod my chook and l ro||od
my hoad to try and catch h|s ||ps w|th m|no. 3ut ho'd a|roady
movod on, poppor|ng my taco w|th qu|ck k|ssos. And'-ho
sa|d botwoon pausos to brush h|s ||ps across mo-'you
|oarn to uso your opponont's body and momontum aga|nst
thom.'
Vmm. l|ko 1udo, r|ght?'
ln somo ways, oo,' ho agrood. And thon ho was on h|s
toot aga|n, h|s hand roach|ng down tor mo.
Vy body aga|n warrod w|th my m|nd and tho prom|so l
was dotorm|nod to koop and yot so roady to broak. l
s|ghod, sat, and stuck my hand out, |ott|ng h|m pop mo to
my toot.
You'd bottor got somo s|oop.'
l noddod. Yoah. Como horo t|rst.' l mot|onod to tho bod.
Cur| up bos|do mo tor a coup|o m|nutos. 1||| l drop ott.'
|o was torn, |ook|ng at tho bod as |t |t was somo now
cha||ongo to surmount. |o noddod and |ay down, as c|oso
to tho bod's tar odgo as ho cou|d got.
l don't havo coot|os.'
|o roma|nod whoro ho was, a study |n contro| and
tons|on.
|or God's sako, ro|ax, l|otr,' l wh|sporod, ro|||ng my
hoad across tho p|||ow to watch h|m, dar|ng h|m to oboy. Vy
oyos t|uttorod and l hoard myso|t s|gh a momont botoro
th|ngs wont b|ack.
l d|dn't ovon too| tho mattross sh|tt whon ho carotu||y
romovod h|mso|t trom tho bod and d|sappoarod bonoath |t.
lt was on|y whon my arm t|oppod out and my hand hung ||mp
and coo| |n tho noth|ngnoss ovor tho bod's odgo that l
roa||zod ho'd movod.
Joaaio
On|y a tow moro hours,' l wh|sporod, hang|ng ovor tho
odgo ot my bod to poor at l|otr, cur|od undor |t.
|o grow|od.
|oy. Como out ot thoro.' l snakod a hand bonoath tho
bod.
|o |ookod away, ro|||ng back to avo|d my touch.
What's wrong? Othor than tho tact you s|opt on a co|d
t|oor most ot tho n|ght,' l addod, sw|ng|ng around so my
baro toot touchod down.
l|otr sa|d noth|ng.
W|th a s|gh l |ay down on tho concroto just boyond tho
shadowy rocoss undor tho bod.
l|otr watchod mo w|th narrow oyos.
Aro you hungry?' l askod, know|ng guys got crabby |t
thoro wasn't somoth|ng to oat.
||s oyos wont ovon narrowor and ho b|t ott tho s|ng|o-
sy||ab|o rop|y. Lo.'
Okay thon. l'|| go tor broaktast-just |ong onough to
br|ng somo stutt back tor you.'
||s hand roachod out to mo, strok|ng a|ong tho sott part
ot my wr|st. l sh|vorod. 1hat may not do |t,' ho adm|ttod
sott|y.
l stood up. Got up. low.'
W|th a grow| ho oboyod, koop|ng to tho shadow and
tarthost trom any v|ow somoono paus|ng by tho ha|| w|ndow
m|ght havo.
l don't want any comp|a|n|ng trom you. Wo agrood to
st|ck to tho prom|so wo mado. Wo kopt |t. lt you th|nk |t's
oasy tor mo to koop you at bay-wo||, |t's not. 1ho
argumonts aga|nst do|ng |t aro on constant ropoat |n my
bra|n and yot tho momont you |ook at mo-tho momont you
touch mo . tho words a|| ta|| away.' l sh|ttod trom toot to
toot. 3top |t,' l commandod. You'ro |ook|ng at mo that way
aga|n.'
|o |ookod down.
As much as l want you-and l do want you, l|otr,
bo||ovo mo,' l sa|d w|th a stra|nod |augh, l want ovon moro
tor us to bo smart about th|s. 1h|s |s b|g,' l omphas|zod.
1horo's no go|ng back onco wo do th|s th|ng, you know?'
l know,' ho snappod. ln my hoad, l undorstand. l got |t.
Wa|t|ng |s |og|ca|. 3mart. Vaybo wa|t|ng a |ong t|mo,' ho
sa|d w|th a suddon|y crazod oxpross|on. 3ut l got c|oso to
you and.' |o grow|od out h|s trustrat|on. And my bra|n
stops work|ng and ovoryth|ng o|so . k|cks |n |nstoad.'
l avo|dod mont|on|ng that l had not|cod.
You know why l |ovo you?'
|o b||nkod. Nyot. l havo abso|uto|y no |doa. 3ut l can
namo tho roasons you shou|dn't.'
l can, too.'
|o b||nkod aga|n, stunnod.
3ut thoy'ro noth|ng comparod to why l do |ovo you. 1hoy
can't stand up aga|nst that.'
3o why, 1oss?'
3ocauso ot your bra|n.' l roachod up and gavo h|s
torohoad a p|aytu| thump w|th my t|st. 3ocauso ot your
hoart and your sou|.' l tappod h|s chost. Your body-that
th|ng throw|ng your bra|n ott-||no? lt's ahh-maz|ng,' l
adm|ttod. 3ut |t's ||ko tho |c|ng on a cako that's a|roady too
good.'
l ho|d h|s gazo w|th my own. Koop your body |n chock,
l|otr. lt's tho rost ot you l'm attor.' l roachod up and strokod
h|s jaw, thon droppod my hand, stopp|ng back. 1ust a ||tt|o
moro t|mo.'
A ||tt|o moro t|mo,' ho agrood, rubb|ng tho hoo|s ot h|s
hands |nto h|s oyo sockots. l'|| g|vo you t|mo, 1oss,' ho
assurod mo. A|| tho t|mo l havo.'
l touchod h|s arm and hoadod to tho door.
W|th a s|gh ho s||ppod back undor tho bod.
Joaaio
1hat morn|ng Chr|st|an was buzzod |nto my room trom tho
outs|do.
lut that ovor thoro.' l kopt to tho room's por|motor, tho
s|ng|o cha|r botwoon us. lt's oar|y tor |aundry,' l
comp|a|nod, g|anc|ng out tho w|ndow. 1ho sun was st||| |ow
|n tho sky, shadows s|ant|ng.
|o |gnorod my commont, |nstoad |ook|ng at tho
assortmont ot tood on tho cha|r's soat. |av|ng a ||tt|o
co|obrat|on s|nco you'ro |oav|ng?'
3ort ot,' l sa|d, koop|ng my oyos on h|m as ho sot tho
|aundry down on tho cha|r's odgo. |or a momont my tocus
sh|ttod and l |ookod at tho c|othos. lt thoy'vo accoptod that
l'm |oav|ng, why tho |aundry?'
lurso says |t's bocomo standard procoduro now that
thoro's noar|y constant hosp|ta| ovort|ow.'
l sot down tho mutt|n l was poo||ng tho papor trom,
hav|ng |ost my appot|to at tho thought ot tho poop|o st|||
com|ng |n as l was on my way out. l s|ghod. At |oast thoy
bo||ovo l'm on my way out, too.'
1hat's tho groat th|ng,' Chr|st|an statod, h|s oyos boady
and t|xod on mo. Anyono can got out ot horo |t thoy'ro just
w||||ng to work tor |t.' |o took a stop torward, dragg|ng tho
cha|r out ot h|s path, |ts toot chattor|ng on tho concroto.
l g|arod at h|m. 0on't start w|th mo.' l'd hand|o h|s
advancos bottor th|s t|mo. l p|ckod up a cup ot orango ju|co.
You try to ram your tonguo down my throat ono moro t|mo
and you'|| got a taco tu|| ot orango ju|co. And c|tr|c ac|d |n
tho oyos? 3urns ||ko a b|tch.'
Grabb|ng mo so tast l yo|pod, ho squoozod my hand unt||
tho cup crump|od. 3otwoon my t|ngors orango ju|co ran,
dr|pp|ng onto tho t|oor.
You'vo got tho wrong |doa, 1oss|ca,' ho sa|d, oyos
sh|n|ng. Vy s|gn|ng myso|t out on|y ro|atos to you so much.'
l tr|od to pu|| troo trom h|s hand. l smackod at h|m w|th
my |ott.
lt you d|o poacotu||y, l got my too and wa|k.'
What?'
|o grabbod tho stack ot c|othos and gavo thom a shako.
1hoy untur|od to rovoa| a knottod |ongth ot shoots t|od |nto a
cruo|-|ook|ng ropo. Vako |t |ook ||ko a su|c|do, 1onos sa|d.
3ut no sp||||ng ot b|ood.' |o t||tod h|s hoad and |ookod at
mo, spocu|at|ng. Why d|d sho spoc|ty that? What's so
spoc|a| about your b|ood that somoono wants |t to d|o |n
your vo|ns, chokod ot oxygon?'
Chr|st|an,' l wh|sporod, cast|ng a |ook toward tho bod,
lot mo go. low.'
|o hookod a toot around tho |og ot my cha|r and
draggod |t torward a paco, g|anc|ng up at tho ||ght t|xturo |n
tho co|||ng.
3tunnod, l oponod my mouth.
Wanna scroam?' ho suggostod. You know |t doosn't
do any good |n thoso upgradod rooms. Crazy, |sn't |t? Voro
pr|v||ogo moans moro dangor.' |o pu||od mo t|ght to h|m
and grow|od |n my oar. Como on,' ho suggostod. 1ry and
mako a doa| w|th mo. What'|| you g|vo up to ||vo? What's
your ||to worth?'
Yours and a dozon morrro,' l|otr snar|od, burst|ng trom
bonoath tho bod to grab Chr|st|an by tho back ot h|s nock
and pu|| mo troo.
l tumb|od to tho ground w|th a cry and starod up at
Chr|st|an, hang|ng |n l|otr's gr|p.
Chr|st|an dot|n|to|y |ookod surpr|sod.
l rocogn|zod tho tam|||ar pop ot l|otr's jo|nts as thoy
s||ppod and s||d, roadjust|ng as tho wo|t c|awod out trom h|s
hoart and t|||od up h|s sk|n. ||s hands changod t|rst,
on|arg|ng, sott||ng somowhoro botwoon paws and human
hands, na||s |ongthon|ng to w|ckod c|aws as tromors shook
a|ong l|otr's arms and shou|dors.
1ho wo|t racod through h|s b|ood, strongthon|ng h|m w|th
|ts w||dnoss and ho tought |t tor contro|, ho|d|ng h|s chango
at somoth|ng torr|ty|ng|y botwoon man and boast-
somoth|ng naturo novor |ntondod but man was oagor to
mako.
l|otr pantod, h|s oyos strango, tora| and somohow now.
0|ttoront and moro dangorous than tho oyos ho'd a|ways
turnod toward mo. And l roa||zod what l was watch|ng g||nt
and torm |n thom-murdor.
0on't k||| h|m,' l boggod.
Why?' l|otr grow|od.
3ocauso that |sn't you. You aron't a k|||or.'
||s oyos b||nkod shut tor a tract|on ot a hoartboat. Whon
thoy rooponod thoy sparkod w|th groody ho||t|ro. |o'd
g|ad|y k||| yoo. You'd |ot h|m ||vo so ho can como aga|nst us
aga|n? loarn trom h|s m|stakos?' |o shook Chr|st|an.
Vako a|||os?'
|o won't, l|otr, ho won't!' Chr|st|an's snoakors scrapod
|n s|ow arcs across tho t|oor as ho strang|od |n l|otr's
powortu| gr|p. 3ay you won't, Chr|st|an! Promlso!'
Chr|st|an mumb|od somoth|ng and l|otr adjustod h|s
ho|d so ho cou|d got a tow words out trom undor tho pross
ot l|otr's powortu| t|ngors. l prom|so.,' ho chokod, oyos
bu|g|ng.
look away, 1oss,' l|otr commandod. look away now.'
Vy hoart crashod to a stop. Oh, god-what w||| you do?'
What l ta||od at botoro. l'|| protoct you. l'vo |oarnod a tow
th|ngs, 1oss,' ho wh|sporod. Yoo aro my ||to. Vy ||ght.
What mattors.'
l romomborod tho p|cturo ho'd g|von mo tor my b|rthday,
tho ono that now hung ovor my bod at homo-Vossl|lsso lo
tbo lorost. 1ho g|r| ho|d|ng tho g|ow|ng sku|| to ||ght tho path
ahoad.
loth|ng o|so,' ho wh|sporod, o|most noth|ng o|so
mattors.'
l throw myso|t at l|otr's toot. |o prom|sod, l|otr .
p|oaso . tor mo.' Vy oyos boggod ovon attor my vo|co
ta||od.
1ho rod dra|nod trom l|otr's oyos as tho wo|t |ott h|m
and tho th|ngs that woro most monstrous, most cruo|, about
h|m tuckod thomso|vos away onco moro bonoath a sott and
s|ook human h|do. ||s t|ngors poo|od back trom Chr|st|an's
nock and ho droppod h|m to tho ground |n a hoap.
A st|||-broath|ng hoap.
l grabbod l|otr's |og, wrapp|ng my arms around |t |n
grat|tudo. 1hank you.'
||s vo|co was th|ck as ho roachod down to pu|| mo up. l
hopo wo don't rogrot th|s,' ho muttorod. Grab your th|ngs.'
Knockod suddon|y to tho ground, l baro|y hoard
Chr|st|an's snar| abovo tho roar ot my pu|so as l|otr aga|n
pu||od h|m ott mo and grabbod h|m by tho nock, arm
quak|ng w|th rago.
Uttor|y human and uttor|y bruta|, l|otr poorod |nto my
attackor's oyos.
1h|s t|mo l |ookod away unt|| l'd hoard tho crunch ot
bonos and tho pop ot t|osh and know tho dood was dono.
0roppod to tho t|oor ||ko a worth|oss do||, noth|ng about
Chr|st|an gavo tho |mpross|on ot ||to any |ongor.
Vy vo|co wavorod |n a wh|spor. ls that ono ot tho th|ngs
you |oarnod wh||o you woro away . to show no morcy?'
l|otr's |mago b|urrod botoro mo as toars stroamod down
my taco.
Lo,' ho wh|sporod, h|s oyos chang|ng trom rod to
purp|o to a b|uo so co|d l tromb|od bonoath tho b|to and
burn ot |t.
What o|so d|d you |oarn?'
|o pu||od mo to my toot, h|s t|ngors t|orco on my arms.
1hat ovoryono broaks prom|sos. Evoryono ||os. |o
choso tboo to ||o,' ho addod. 1o barga|n tor h|s ||to and
thon botray |t-to try to k||| you ogolo. 3ad |doa.' |o
grabbod my wr|st and l t||nchod back |n toar.
7bls was not my l|otr..
|o pu||od ott h|s pants and thrust thom |nto my hands.
1horo was no modosty or hos|tat|on |n h|s movomonts.
Your guards w||| bo com|ng. |o shou|d havo boon back out
by now. 3tay boh|nd mo and bo roady.'
1ho guards burst through tho door, |oav|ng |t hang|ng
awkward|y ott ono h|ngo w|th tho torco ot tho|r ontry.
l|otr t|ashod |nto h|s wo|tsk|n, tooth sharp as kn|vos. |o
rushod tho noarost ono, b|t|ng |nto h|s wr|st and toar|ng tho
o|octron|c tattoo away so t|osh hung |n a chunk, suspondod
by ooz|ng tubos and th|n w|ros that poppod, t|arod, and
t||ckorod.
1ho guard |ookod as c|oso to start|od as ho cou|d and
crump|od to tho t|oor. ||s m|rror |mago, star|ng, movod to
covor |ts match|ng wr|st tattoos somohow-
-momonts too |ato.
ln a hoartboat tho socond guard was roducod to a hoap
ot poor|y st|tchod body parts, too.
1ho wo|t spun to taco mo and l roachod undor my p|||ow
tor tho co|| phono and my journa| but not|cod tho phono on
tho t|oor. l d|dn't havo t|mo to wondor botoro tho wo|t
dodgod boh|nd mo and s||ppod h|s snout botwoon my
ank|os, bounc|ng mo onto h|s back.
l snaggod ho|d ot h|s turry back and |oanod |n as ho
bo|tod through tho door to tho ha||way, s||d|ng on tho
po||shod t|oor as ho scrabb|od toward tho ma|n doors
|oav|ng noth|ng |n h|s wako but start|od tacos and shr|ok|ng
pat|onts.
||s str|do |ongthonod and ho qu|ck|y carr|od mo out ot
tho bu||d|ng and to tho tar ond ot tho park|ng |ot noarost tho
troos and tho road. |o pausod, ||tt|ng h|s hoad to catch a
scont, and l tumb|od ott h|m, snapp|ng tho co|| opon to ca||
0ad.
1oss|o?'
Grab tho |awyor and bo proparod. l'm out, but . |t's
gonna tako somo damago contro|, 0ad,' l sa|d as l|otr
s||ppod back |nto h|s pants. l|otr stoppod tho guy trom
k||||ng mo, but.'
l|otr's gazo t||ckod to mo, coo| as stoo|.
. tho guy wasn't so |ucky. And thoro aro add|t|ona|
bod|os. 3ut-thoy'vo boon doad awh||o. lo. 1h|nk
zomb|os.'
l|otr turnod away, cross|ng h|s arms ovor h|s chost.
Oh,' 0ad mumb|od.
l'm ca|||ng Vax to got us,' l sa|d, as much to 0ad as to
l|otr. Can you hand|o th|s, 0ad?'
l'|| havo to.'
l|otr |ookod at mo. Wo'ro go|ng. low.' |o swung h|s
hoad back toward tho tront doors ot locan l|aco.
An a|arm b|arod and nursos and guards, human-
soom|ng guards, t|owod out ot tho bu||d|ng.
l|otr put h|s arms out tor mo. 1o carry mo.
3pot||ghtod by tho g|ow|ng ||ght ot morn|ng somoth|ng
dark sta|nod h|s outstrotchod hand.
3|ood.
loar|y dry. loar|y just a momory. Noor|y. l stoppod
back. Unw||||ng to |ot h|m carry mo, l wondorod how |ong l
cou|d run on a knoo that was st||| occas|ona||y woak trom
0orok's prov|ous assau|t.
l ca||od Vax.
l|otr roachod tor mo and l stoppod back, oyos st|||
|ockod on tho b|ood on h|s hand.
l shook my hoad at l|otr.
||s gazo droppod away trom my taco, roa||z|ng why l
hos|tatod. 3tar|ng at h|s b|oody hand, ho crouchod, rubb|ng
|t c|oan |n tho trost that spark|od on tho brown|ng b|ados ot
grass.
l|otr stood, roach|ng tor mo aga|n, and l t||nchod away.
||s oxpross|on darkonod, oyos stormy, ||ps th|n and t|ght.
l shook my hoad, oo.
l|otr s||d somoth|ng trom h|s pockot and ho|d |t ovor h|s
hoad, g|owor|ng at mo. |o prossod a button.
A||o'
Vax. l nood you to p|ck us up.'
ln tho car,' Vax rumb|od. locan l|aco?'
A vo|n roso by l|otr's ha|r||no as l oponod my mouth to
say yos to Vax. |o turnod h|s back to mo and watchod tho
m||||ng ot tho statt back by tho bu||d|ng's opon|ng.
K|ck|ng at tho grass ||n|ng tho park|ng |ot, ovory musc|o
|n h|s back and arms wont t|ght. |o droppod |nto a crouch,
scrubb|ng h|s hands across h|s taco and hoad.
|o wantod to shout-maybo curso-but d|dn't daro
bocauso |t'd draw unwantod attont|on. 3o l|otr workod out
h|s aggross|on s||ont|y tor our satoty-my satoty-wh||o l
watchod.
l hoard tho squoa| ot t|ros and a sma|| dark car pu||od up
bos|do us, tho passongor door t||ng|ng opon. l|otr roso
and |n ono t|u|d movo throw mo |n, push|ng |n bos|do mo
and yank|ng tho door shut.
Wo spod away.
1oss|o?' Vax's grow| rovorboratod |n tho roco|vor.
l |ookod at tho dr|vor. 3hort ha|r, sharp toaturos, s||ght|y
gray|ng around tho tomp|os. 3trong, tough and suro.
Ex-m|||tary?
||s posturo spoko ot author|ty-|oadorsh|p mator|a| ot
somo sort.
|o and l|otr woro ongagod |n a hoatod convorsat|on. ln
luss|an.
1oss|o!'
A r|do's a|roady horo, Vax.' l snappod tho co|| shut and
wondorod what l'd ta||on |nto th|s t|mo.
CEAP1ER 5|X1EEN
Joaaio
Cat and Amy grabbod mo tho momont l|otr shovod mo
through tho door at tho lusakovas' houso. 1hoy murmurod
and strokod my ha|r and huggod mo aga|n and aga|n, but l
cou|dn't tocus on thom at a||. lo mattor whoro ho pacod,
tho o|dor man boh|nd h|m, ra|||ng on |n luss|an, my oyos
tocusod on|y on l|otr.
What's roa||y go|ng on horo, Cat?' l wh|sporod. Who's
that guy?'
Uoc|o 0m|tr|.' |or oyos tuggod troo ot m|no to to||ow
h|m. |or words st|tt, sho sa|d, |o's como to ho|p.'
Amy shruggod. G|ad you'ro back.'
Cat took my hand and |od mo to tho k|tchon. You nood
to mako a phono ca||,' sho sa|d. 1o your tathor.'
lnstant|y l know what sho moant. As hard as |t was go|ng
to bo tor h|m to accopt, tho lusakovas wou|d bo bottor ab|o
to protoct mo than 0ad cou|d. 3os|dos, any attompt ho
mado to protoct mo wou|d s|mp|y p|aco h|m |n tho ||no ot
t|ro.
G|vo mo that t|rst,' l|otr sa|d, h|s hand out tor my co||.
What?'
Cons|dor |t |nsuranco,' ho muttorod, hoad|ng tor tho
computor. l to||owod h|m.
|o connoctod tho co|| phono to tho computor and
down|oadod a br|ot v|doo t||o.
|oy,' l sa|d, soo|ng Chr|st|an untur| tho makosh|tt ropo
|n my room back at locan l|aco. 1ho porspoct|vo was
strango.. l |ookod at l|otr. |o'd shot tho c||p trom undor
tho bod. Wh||o l thought l cou|d st||| hand|o th|ngs, ho was
hand||ng thom |n a d|ttoront way.
l|otr tappod a tow koys. 1ho aud|o's not cr|sp, but |t's
undorstandab|o.'
l c|utchod tho back ot h|s cha|r, tho momory doub||ng |n
|ntons|ty as tho v|doo ro||od.
low.' |o pu||od up tho wobs|to tor locan l|aco and
h|t tho statt button. lt took a momont, but ho oponod an o-
ma|| account l d|dn't rocogn|zo, typod |n 0r. 1onos's
addross, and attachod tho t||o, h|s mossago on|y road|ng:
You'vo boon namod |n th|s v|doo. Koop your d|stanco or
ovoryono w||| soo |t.
|o tappod sond and, d|sconnoct|ng tho phono, handod
|t back to mo. Ca|| your dad.'
Vuto, l noddod, watch|ng as l|otr strodo trom tho room,
Unc|o 0m|tr| c|oso boh|nd.
0ad p|ckod up on tho t|rst r|ng and l wandorod |nto tho
k|tchon.
0ad,' l sa|d botoro ho ovon t|n|shod h|s ho||o, l'm not
com|ng homo. lt's sator th|s way. 1ho lusakovas can
protoct mo. A|ox|'s com|ng ovor now to draw somo ot
Annabo||o loo's b|ood. 1h|s'|| a|| bo ovor soon.'
|o was vory qu|ot and l |mag|nod h|m work|ng |t a|| out |n
h|s hoad. Okay, 1oss|o. You bo carotu|.'
0on't worry, 0ad. l w|||. About ovoryth|ng.'
Good g|r|. l |ovo you.'
l |ovo you, too, 0ad.' l sot tho co|| phono down, my hand
tromb||ng.
A|ox| |oanod |nto tho k|tchon. l'm go|ng now.'
Cat noddod and pu||od out a pot.
Er-can l ho|p w|th anyth|ng, Cat?'
3ho |ookod at mo, ||ps tw|tch|ng |nto a sm||o. l havo |t,
1oss|o,' sho sa|d. You havo boon gono qu|to a wh||o,
roa||y. Vy cook|ng has |mprovod. A|ox| and Vax aro
cop|ng..' 3ho pausod and hor oyobrows drow togothor.
3ho shot a worr|od |ook at Amy.
Amy shruggod.
And l|otr?' l proddod.
Amy g|ancod ovor hor shou|dor toward tho w|ndow that
|ookod out ovor tho backyard. l pushod past hor to soo
l|otr and 0m|tr| c|rc||ng oach othor. Vy hoart sott|od back
|nto |ts norma| paco roa||z|ng thoy woro sparr|ng, not
t|ght|ng. Rokoposbko,' l roa||zod a|oud.
Lo,' Cat answorod as |t l'd askod a quost|on.
Unc|o 0m|tr|'s w|ckod tast tor an o|d guy,' Amy
commontod, watch|ng 0m|tr| dodgo l|otr, b|ock an attack,
and |and a k|ck |n h|s gut.
l w|ncod, but l|otr took |t |n str|do, ta|||ng back a ha|t
paco and watch|ng tor an opon|ng, an advantago botoro ho
|ungod |n and connoctod w|th 0m|tr|. A h|t that shou|d havo
knockod 0m|tr| on h|s ass on|y pushod h|m back a tow
pacos. 3trong, too,' l muttorod, turn|ng back to Cat.
3ho cont|nuod m|x|ng and st|rr|ng.
l cont|nuod wondor|ng just who 0m|tr| was. Unc|o? l
doubtod tho t|t|o was accurato.
Watch|ng toartu||y as Cat st|rrod tho now bubb||ng
somoth|ng on tho stovotop, l sa|d, |oy, your c|ock.'
Cat shook hor hoad.
What?' l askod, |ook|ng at Amy.
3oats mo. Vax says |t's bad |uck to mont|on anyth|ng
about |t. Vust bo a luss|an th|ng.'
|uh.' lt wasn't a luss|an th|ng |ast t|mo l'd boon horo..
l took a momont and |ookod back |nto tho s|tt|ng room. 1ho
c|ock thoro was wrong, too. 3or|ous|y?' 1ho d|n|ng room
. lo downsta|rs c|ock ho|d tho actua| t|mo, and a|| woro
d|ttoront. l stoppod back |nto tho k|tchon, contus|on c|oar on
my taco.
Cat shut mo down. Nyot, 1oss|o. 0o not mont|on |t.'
1hoy woro a|| sot at |oast two hours ahoad ot t|mo. l
pausod by tho ca|ondar. 1horo woro no marks, no notos, no
datos attor tho day l'd boon torcod to ontor tho hosp|ta|. lt
was ||ko t|mo-tho vory th|ng tho lusakovas woro most
c|oso|y attunod to-was bo|ng |gnorod.
1horo was no t|m|ng |nstrumont moro accurato than an
oborot's |ntorna| c|ock, so maybo to thom tho rost moant
noth|ng. 3ut to a s|mp|o human ||ko Amy or mo or-l
g|ancod out tho w|ndow and saw 0m|tr| do||vor a start||ng
b|ow-okay, not 0m|tr|, thon, but to s|mp|o humans, |t wou|d
.
l b||nkod, th|nk|ng back to l|otr's words. 1hoy havo
0orok and ho's watch|ng..' 1o a romoto v|owor ||ko
0orok, |t m|ght bo onough to contuso what ho was soo|ng
w|th roa| t|mo.. Was 0orok arrogant onough to th|nk that
g|von h|s amaz|ng sot ot ab|||t|os ho m|ght a|so
occas|ona||y got a g||mpso ot tho tuturo?
Yos.
||s arroganco m|ght ovon bo onough to mako h|m
bo||ovo thoro was moro t|mo to roact to a lusakova attack
on tho ClA bunkor. lu|| h|m and tho agonts |nto a ta|so
sonso ot socur|ty so tho|r roact|on camo too |ato.
lt was a strango |doa-a |ong shot, but who know? Ono
ot l|otr's now ph||osoph|os?' l t|na||y askod Cat.
Lo,' sho sa|d sott|y, roa||z|ng l'd caught up.
3ho sot a bow| botoro mo and l ato a do||c|ous
concoct|on l wou|d havo novor |mag|nod Cat bo|ng ab|o to
put togothor. And l roa||zod, g|anc|ng out tho w|ndow aga|n
at l|otr and 0m|tr| c|rc||ng oach othor, a |ot had changod
wh||o l was gono.
Joaaio
Amy draggod mo down to tho stroot cornor to buy a
nowspapor out ot tho mota|-and-g|ass d|sponsor. 3|tt|ng
togothor on tho curb, tho t|rst hoad||no wo spottod
announcod anothor 1oon 1ra|n 1rack 3u|c|do. 3o how
many |s that now?' l askod hor. ||vo?'
l th|nk |t's s|x. Garr. lt's a|| gr|m nows. 3tudonts gott|ng
s|ck. 1hoso v|s|t|ng protoss|ona| wrost|ors who
d|sappoarod r|ght around tho t|mo you hoadod-owoy.'
|rod and 1oromy? 1hoy woro b|g. Wrost|or b|g.
And tho morator|um on bur|a|s-'
Vorator|um?' l sa|d.
Amy was broak|ng out somo b|g words.
Yop. A spoc|a| onv|ronmonta| po||co rop put an ond to
bury|ng poop|o bocauso ot somo |ssuos w|th sh|tt|ng
watorways. Can you bo||ovo |t? 1ack 1acobson was
cromatod.'
lo.' l thought back to 1ack's body |n tho rotr|gorator, |n
||no to bo usod tor zomb|o parts. l can't bo||ovo |t.' |o|y
crap. Env|ronmonta| po||co covor|ng up d|sappoar|ng
bod|os? |ow doop d|d th|s wo|rdnoss run? Was ovoryono
|n 1unct|on |n on th|s?
l |ookod at tho photo and capt|on partway down tho
pago. |oy. Vark V|||tord?' l tappod |t. Wasn't ho socond
str|ng on tho tootba|| toam? Ono ot 0orok's cron|os?'
3ho noddod and |oanod hor hoad on my shou|dor.
0orok. looolog. Vurdor|ng to got ono |ast good jo|t out
ot h|s proy.
Oh, p|oaso, 1oss|o. |orgot a|| tho wacky crap go|ng on
around horo tor a m|nuto or t|vo. lass mo tho com|cs.'
l don't th|nk thoro aro-'
Ot courso thoro aro com|cs. 1hoy'ro tho on|y rodoom|ng
toaturo to tho nowspapor. W|thout com|cs, nowspapors
wou|d just bo crap, crap, and moro crap.'
And sports,' l sa|d.
3ho ro||od hor oyos and sa|d, 5oo obovo. Crap.'
You'ro |n a proc|ous mood.'
3orry. l m|ssod you gobs. You'ro my bost tr|ond.'
l wrappod an arm around hor. You'ro my bost tr|ond,
too.'
1hoy to|d us you woro away at somo wr|tors' camp,' sho
sa|d. l d|dn't bo||ovo |t. You wou|d havo tota||y b|abbod |t
you'd boon so|octod tor somoth|ng that coo|.'
l sm||od. 1ruo.'
Vax t|na||y broko and took mo to soo you, but thoy
wou|dn't |ot us |n,' sho sa|d. 3ut l know you hadn't gono ott
to somo camp. l|otr's horo. You wou|dn't d|tch h|m to |oarn
somo now wr|t|ng tochn|quo.'
l sh|ttod on tho curb, uncomtortab|o w|th hor assossmont.
l wou|d havo sk|ppod ott to anywhoro to |oarn somoth|ng
now about wr|t|ng. 3otoro l|otr. A now wr|t|ng tochn|quo?'
Yoah. What'd thoy ca|| |t? Oh. 1ho tast-dratt tochn|quo.'
lovor hoard ot |t.'
l |ookod |nto |t,' sho sa|d.
What? You d|d rosoarch wh||o l was gono? 1hat's
vory.'
Un||ko mo? Yoah. l|otr and l havo bocomo nords |n
your absonco. Va|nta|n|ng tho bra|ny quota around horo
w|thout you.'
What'd you |oarn?'
3omo poop|o can wr|to a who|o tr|kk|n' book |n two
wooks.'
Vy jaw droppod. lo.'
Yos. 1hoy uso th|s tast-dratt mothod to crank |t out.
3omo protty darn good books havo como out ot |t, too.'
Wo||, |ook at you, say|ng rlkklo` and ooro,' l marvo|od.
Cat's roa||y boon c|oan|ng up your |anguago.'
3ho stuck up a s|ng|o t|ngor.
3ut not your att|tudo. l|||co.' l |oanod back and |ot tho
w|nd toaso my ha|r out trom undor my kn|t hat. A book |n
two wooks. l'd ||ko to try that. Attor a|| th|s craz|noss |s ovor.
lt |t's ovor ovor.'
Vaybo l'|| wr|to a book, too,' Amy suggostod.
l ro||od my hoad to |ook at hor, awod. You cou|d tota||y
do |t. You havo a vory croat|vo m|nd.'
3ho snortod. Wo shou|d both havo pon namos. 3ut wo
havo t|mo. l|ko you sa|d: otor th|s craz|noss |s ovor.'
Yoah. What do you know about th|s craz|noss?'
Enough to know whon to wa|k out ot tho room.'
And you don't want to know any moro?'
lot un|oss l havo to. look. l'm go|ng back to tho tra||or
tomorrow n|ght.'
l roa||zod sho hadn't ca||od |t bomo. |rom what l'd soon
tho morn|ng attor my b|rthday party-hor dad hung ovor so
bad, ho d|dn't ovon know sho was gono-|t probab|y hadn't
to|t ||ko a homo tor a wh||o.
Vax |ns|stod,' sho oxp|a|nod. l'|| stay a coup|o n|ghts,
c|oan tho p|aco up, and chock on 0ad. Whon you guys say l
can como back, l w|||.'
l'vo hoard worso |doas.'
Vax says whatovor you guys aro do|ng w||| work out.'
l noddod, watch|ng tho way sho crushod tho nowspapor,
wrapp|ng hor arms around horso|t. 3ut Vax |s ba||sy. l don't
th|nk ho roa||y p|ans stutt out..'
l chuck|od. 3o somo th|ngs booo`t changod s|nco l'd |ott.
lt'|| work out. l'm suro l|otr's boon ro|||ng |doas around |n
h|s m|nd a |ot.'
Amy ro|axod, smooth|ng tho nowspapor out on tho curb
botwoon us.
1ho autumn w|nd tr|od to snatch |t away but on|y
managod to t||p a tow pagos. |oy!' l oxc|a|mod. You'ro
r|ght. 1horo aro com|cs.'
You can |oarn two |ossons trom that,' Amy sn|pod. A:
l'm a|ways r|ght, and 3: 1h|ngs aro |ook|ng up a|roady.'
CEAP1ER 5EVEN1EEN
Joaaio
A|ox| roturnod w|th a samp|o ot Annabo||o loo's b|ood, and
a bo|atod-vory bo|atod, cons|dor|ng wo woro a|most
ontor|ng Chr|stmas vacat|on-b|rthday prosont tor mo. |o
|ookod at mo carotu||y as ho handod |t ovor, sott|ng |t |n my
arms so l to|t tho wo|ght and rocogn|zod tho s|zo ot |t.
Amy |oapod up, |ook|ng at tho packago oxpoctant|y.
Wo||, aron't you go|ng to opon |t?' sho sa|d, sh|tt|ng hor
wo|ght trom s|do to s|do. Who's |t trom?'
W|thout ovon g|anc|ng at tho poor|y att|xod tag, l
guossod,
Wanda and 0ad?'
A|ox| noddod.
l'|| opon |t |ator,' l assurod Amy (who |mmod|ato|y
|ookod d|sappo|ntod). low's not tho r|ght t|mo.'
A|ox| noddod aga|n and took tho prosont back. l'|| put |t
w|th tho othors.'
Otbors. Othor woapons. 1horo woro on|y so many guns
ono g|r| cou|d carry.. 1ust how many boyond us was Uoc|o
0m|tr| |nc|ud|ng?
Your tathor says ho's worr|od, ho |ovos you, and ho
knows you'ro |n a b|ggor moss than you'ro say|ng,' A|ox|
cont|nuod h|s mossago. |o a|so sa|d somoth|ng about an
o|d song, about want|ng to sond |awyors, guns, and monoy,
but thoro's ||tt|o ot tho |attor and tho tormor's scarod to
doath now, so tho othor w||| havo to bo onough.'
l sm||od. 0m|tr| |ookod trom l|otr to myso|t and muttorod
somoth|ng. ln luss|an.
3top,' l sa|d. You want to say somoth|ng? 3ay |t |n
Eng||sh. lt |t's somoth|ng that shou|dn't bo sa|d, don't tr|kk|n'
say |t at a||.'
||s oyos narrowod, l|tt|o g|r|,' ho bogan, h|s vo|co
hoav||y accontod, th|s |s no gamo wo aro p|ay|ng. You aro
a ||ab|||ty. |ow can l|otr tocus whon ho worr|os about you?'
Amy stood, p|acod hor hands t|rm|y ovor hor oars, and
bogan s|ng|ng |appy 3|rthday' as sho ox|tod tho room.
3ho d|dn't want to know.
l'm do|ng my bost to mako suro ho has noth|ng to worry
about.' Vy gazo t||ckod to whoro tho packago trom my
tathor and Wanda rostod. Guns. Vy guns.
You must bo ono hundrod porcont whon wo go |n, l|otr,'
0m|tr| sa|d. You cannot worry about hor.'
l|otr wo|ghod 0m|tr|'s words.
3ond hor homo,' 0m|tr| |ns|stod.
l|otr,' l grow|od h|s namo out.
|o ra|sod an oyobrow, but h|s oyos stayod on 0m|tr|.
Yoo aro tho a|pha,' 0m|tr| sa|d.
Plotr.'
Vax bogan a s|ow yawn-
0m|tr| snappod, You |ot your b|tch spoak to you that way
-?'
Wh|ch was cut short whon l|otr sprang to h|s toot,
knock|ng down tho cha|r ho'd just boon s|tt|ng |n.
3ho |s no bltcb!' ho roarod, so c|oso tho onds ot
0m|tr|'s short ha|r qu|vorod |n tho wako ot l|otr's rago.
0m|tr| was unmovod. Wo soo th|ngs d|ttoront|y.' |o
shruggod. 3ond hor homo. Watch|ng out tor hor was not
part ot our doa|.'
Our doa|,' l|tor snar|od, |nc|udos ovoryth|ng |nvo|vod |n
troo|ng my mothor.' |o h|ssod. 3ho'-ho stabbod a t|ngor
|n my d|roct|on-'|s |nvo|vod!'
0m|tr| |ookod at mo.
l'vo dono my part |n th|s barga|n,' l|otr sa|d, h|s vo|umo
grow|ng sott and ovon moro dangorous. 0o yours.'
0m|tr| rubbod h|s ch|n. Lo. You havo. Vost|y.' 0m|tr|
shruggod. ||no. l w||| arrango tor hor to go w|th somo ot my
mon tor hor part |n th|s.'
l w||| go w|th hor as wo||,' Cat vo|untoorod.
l|otr noddod, but 0m|tr|'s oyos narrowod. W||| anyono
o|so s|ow us down?'
A|ox| gr|nnod. Wo s|mp|o humans a|so havo a stako |n
th|s ovont's succoss. l am go|ng.'
0m|tr| puttod out h|s broath |n oxasporat|on.
l|otr |ookod at mo, oyos guardod. Your tathor?'
And Wanda.' l starod at A|ox|, roa||z|ng wo'd sa|d hor
namo |n un|son.
|o noddod and 0m|tr| grow|od. W||| tho who|o ot
1unct|on know ot our ottorts?'
l|otr chowod h|s |owor ||p. lt w||| bo a |argo party.'
1ho moro tho morr|or,' l sa|d, my vo|co gr|m as l tr|od to
catch l|otr's oyo.
0m|tr| roso trom tho tab|o and stormod away.
AIoxi
1ho ca|| trom Wanda was somoth|ng nono ot us oxpoctod,
but 1oss|o, l|otr, and l got |nto tho car and hoadod to
1oss|o's horso tarm, whoro Wanda wa|tod w|th t||os.
1oss|o's dogs, Vagg|o and |untor, rushod tho car and
1oss|o br|ot|y tumb|od to tho ground w|th thom, |ott|ng thom
||ck hor taco and nuzz|o hor nock. l|otr and l woro tar |oss
|ntorost|ng to thom.
l|otr scannod tho aroa, scont|ng and |ook|ng tor troub|o,
h|s back r|g|d. 1h|s p|aco was 1oss|o's homo-porhaps
know|ng troub|o had como horo, too, was moro unsott||ng to
h|m.
1ho |ast t|mo thoy had boon horo togothor th|ngs had
gono vory bad|y. l tr|od not to th|nk about |t.
3top, stop.' 1oss|o |aughod, ono m|nuto batt|ng at tho
dogs p|aytu||y, tho noxt tugg|ng thom c|oso.
l|otr pausod |n h|s scan, h|s tocus snapp|ng onco moro
to hor and h|s toaturos both hardonod and sottonod at tho
samo t|mo. Como now,' ho wh|sporod, roach|ng down to
ho|p 1oss|o out ot tho dust.
loon's |n tho barn and w||| bo tor a wh||o,' Wanda
grootod us trom tho sma|| porch, opon|ng tho door and
wav|ng us |ns|do. |o's soon th|s a|roady.'
1oss|o d|dn't bothor h|d|ng hor surpr|so.
l-rocooooltoroo-thoso t||os trom tho bunkor, thought
thoy m|ght bo usotu|. lt was oas|or than l oxpoctod s|nco l'd
boon an omp|oyoo at tho warohouso botoro and |t sooms
ovoryono |n tho-|ot's ca|| |t tho company-protors data
t||os to t||o to|dors.'
l noddod. 3o you grabbod a papor tra||.' l was
bog|nn|ng to a|most ||ko hor.
A|most.
Yos. A|ways grab anyth|ng |abo|od w|th your own namo
and at |oast ono coworkor.' 3ho t||ppod opon a t||o. 1ho
prob|om |s l havo noth|ng that provos tho actua| ClA-our
govornmont-|s d|roct|y |nvo|vod. ln any way. 3ocauso |t
w|nds up l'm no |ongor work|ng tor our govornmont. l havon't
boon s|nco l was transtorrod horo.'
You ||od..'
lo,' sho assurod 1oss|o. l was abso|uto|y undor tho
|mpross|on my omp|oyor hadn't changod. l was g|von no
roason to assumo othorw|so. l cont|nuod roco|v|ng my pay
|n tho samo tash|on trom what appoarod to bo tho samo
|nst|tut|on.' 3ho pu||od out two paystubs.
1hoy |ookod |dont|ca| oxcopt tor tho datos.
Ono botoro my transtor. Ono attor.'
l noddod.
3ut horo's tho doa|. 1ho company l'm a curront
omp|oyoo ot |s tho samo company that h|rod tboso poop|o.'
3ho t||ppod opon anothor t||o, scattor|ng p|cturos across
tho tab|otop. 3omo namos woro d|ttoront trom who l thought
tho poop|o woro, but oach taco l rocogn|zod.
Our v|co pr|nc|pa|,' 1oss|o announcod, tapp|ng a photo
ot a tr|ond|y |ook|ng Atr|can-Amor|can man, lor|son. Vy
tavor|to counso|or, Vs. |arnok,' sho sa|d ot a smart-
|ook|ng b|ondo. 3ho s||d tho noxt ono as|do.
Ott|cor Kont,' l sa|d, |ook|ng at Wanda sobor|y,
whorovor bo`s gotton to.'
l doubt |t's much tarthor than whoro l |ott h|m,' Wanda
rospondod cr|sp|y.
3o sho had k|||od h|m to protoct 1oss|o. 1hat, l cou|d
rospoct. l|k|ng Wanda bocamo moro ot a poss|b|||ty.
1ho boy, 0orok,' l sa|d, soo|ng tho noxt photo.
1oss|o g|ancod at mo.
Wo had tho dub|ous p|oasuro ot moot|ng tho |ast t|mo
wo woro at tho bunkor.'
Wanda broko |n. l wantod to.' 3ho stumb|od to a stop
and tr|od aga|n. l'm so sorry l had to c|oso down v|s|tat|on
to Vothor. l had to koop up appoarancos.'
Wator undor tho br|dgo.' l |ookod at tho roma|n|ng
p|cturos. Ah. And th|s |ady was w|th 0orok,' l sa|d, soo|ng
tho t|no-toaturod brunotto.
0r. 3ar|ssa 1onos,' 1oss|o sa|d.
ls sho not ho|p|ng tho studonts como to gr|ps w|th tho
1oon 1ra|n 1rack 3u|c|dos?' l askod.
lrobab|y ||n|ng thom up tor 0orok to tood trom. What a
scrowod-up jork..' 3ho touchod 0orok's p|cturo aga|n
and l|otr st|ttonod, watch|ng hor.
1hat scrowod-up jork warnod us about-' 3ut l|otr cut
mo ott w|th a pa|nod |ook.
Warnod you about what?' 1oss|o askod, turn|ng on mo.
l put my hands up and dotorrod to l|otr. |o was a|pha,
|ot h|m adm|t |t.
3ho swung to taco h|m. Warnod you about what?'
|o warnod A|ox| that you woro |n dangor |n tho asy|um.
1hat thoy woro go|ng to k||| you. And ho to|d A|ox| to to||
mo.'
1oss|o sat down hard. |o warnod you to mako suro l
was sato?'
l |oanod |nto hor v|ow. |or h|s own tw|stod roasons.
Vaybo tor th|s-to mako you doubt how s|ck ho |s.'
l|otr stoppod back trom tho tab|o and crossod h|s arms,
watch|ng us w|th coo| oyos.
lt's not onough, |s |t?' 1oss|o mumb|od.
What? What |sn't onough?'
3av|ng mo |sn't onough to w|po away ovoryth|ng o|so
ho's dono, |s |t?'
l stayod st|||, |ott|ng hor work |t out.
l|otr turnod away to |ook out tho w|ndow.
1horo's a po|nt, |sn't thoro,' sho askod, a po|nt wo
can't como back trom? A momont wo'ro no |ongor
rodoomab|o?'
l ho|d my broath.
Lo,' l|otr rop||od trom tho w|ndow. 1horo comos a
momont,' ho agrood, h|s vo|co t|at.
Gooz, my toonago yoars woron't th|s damn dramat|c,'
Wanda muttorod, co||oct|ng tho photos. 3ooo . l mado
somo phono ca||s to an o|d tr|ond and askod somo
quost|ons. 3o|ng too much troub|o at my o|d job-shut up,
1oss|o-' sho warnod, soo|ng 1oss|o br|ot|y br|ghton, a
smart commont at tho roady. 3o my o|d boss ooctloooo
mo ott to th|s company. 1hoy run qu|to an organ|zat|on. l
havon't bogun to t|nd a|| tho tondr||s. 1hoy act just ||ko tho
ClA, oxcopt w|th d|ttoront tund|ng. And oxpoctat|ons.'
1oss|o and l starod at hor.
And thoy roa||y want your worowo|vos. 3ocauso tho guy
who ho|pod dos|gn thom, tho ono who was socond |n
command to A|ox|'s grand-whatovor-ho's a||vo. 1hoy'ro
h|s pr|do and joy. |o novor got tu|| crod|t on tho projoct and
tr|od a rodo yoars |ator but was mado a |augh|ngstock. 3o
ho d|d othor th|ngs, chom|ca| ong|noor|ng and |ngost|b|os,
a|| wh||o st||| |ook|ng |nto tho troaky stutt. |o's got h|s t|ngors
|n ovoryth|ng. Guoss what ono ot h|s s|do||nos |s?'
lo |doa,' 1oss|o and l adm|ttod s|mu|tanoous|y.
lnst|tut|ona| tood product|on and do||vory.'
1ho schoo| tood?' 1oss|o's oyos |ost tho|r tocus.
Wanda tappod hor noso tw|co. 3o what's |n tho tood
that most ovory k|d |n 1unct|on's oat|ng? Whatovor |t |s, you
can bot |t's not somoth|ng good.' 3ho t||ppod tho t||os shut
and rostackod thom.
'A strongor, bottor youth tor tomorrow,'' 1oss|o
wh|sporod. |arnok sa|d somoth|ng ||ko that to 0orok.'
Nyot. lot good. You havo moro t||os,' l sa|d, soo|ng tho
stack and tho ompty t||o box.
Yos.' 3ho sproad thom botoro us.
1oss|o soomod to rocogn|zo ono and oponod |t
|mmod|ato|y. 3oph|o. 1hoy know what sho can do..' 3ho
ran hor t|ngor down tho toxt ot tho t||o. 3onsos onorgy
t|o|ds and |mpross|ons, k|r|||an photography . 1hoy don't
know sho soos ghosts.'
l|otr and l |ookod at hor.
3ho shruggod. Vy mom's hang|ng around. 3ho to||ows
mo protty otton, watch|ng.'
otcblog' l|otr askod. |o swa||owod hard.
l sn|ckorod at 1oss|o's oxpross|on.
Yoah,' sho sa|d. Wo'ro tota||y groundod whon wo d|o
tor-omp|o-pub||c d|sp|ays ot attoct|on.'
l|otr groanod and Wanda c|oarod hor throat. Wo||. 1hat
corta|n|y ta||s |nto tho roa|m ot too much |ntormat|on.' 3ho
c|osod tho t||o, putt|ng tho to|dors back |nto tho box and
k|ck|ng |t undor tho noarost cha|r.
1oss|o tappod tho tab|o. 3o what now? lt thoy'ro as b|g
as you say, won't thoy just koop com|ng and com|ng?'
Un|oss tho worowo|vos aro curod, or doad, or thoy can
catch at |oast ono to uso tor 0lA. Or brood|ng.'
1hoy'ro not oolmo|s,' 1oss|o sa|d, roco|||ng.
Yos, thoy aro, 1oss|o. 1ust ||ko tho rost ot us,' Wanda
assurod hor. 3oasts bo|ow tho sk|n. lt on|y mattors why wo
|ot our |nnor boast out.'
Joaaio
3ack at tho lusakovas' houso 0m|tr| took tho p|aco ot
honor at tho hoad ot tho tab|o tor d|nnor and l|otr sat at tho
oppos|to ond ot tho tab|o. 1ho tood Cat had proparod was
romarkab|y good and a|though l tr|od not to, l soundod
surpr|sod whon l comp||montod hor.
lt was as 0m|tr| toro opon a ro|| that ho bogan to spoak.
1horo |s an amaz|ng luss|an |ogond you shou|d hoar-
about a man who choatod doath many t|mos bocauso ho
know how to contro| h|s hoart.' |o g|ancod at l|otr.
l |oanod torward, |ntont.
|o was ca||od Koscho| tho 0oath|oss.'
A|ox|'s g|ass ratt|od as ho sot |t down, but ho swa||owod
tho dr|nk |n h|s mouth and ||stonod to 0m|tr|'s roto|||ng.
|o had amaz|ng ab|||t|os-so groat that somo c|a|mod
thoy woro mag|ca|,' ho sa|d, wav|ng tho ro|| and buttor kn|to
dramat|ca||y. And no mattor what anyono d|d to h|m, no
mattor what troub|o camo, no ono cou|d hurt h|m. Why?' |o
|oanod torward, |ook|ng at l|otr. |o was lovloclb|o.'
lock|ng back |n h|s cha|r, 0m|tr| cont|nuod, know|ng
l|otr was onthra||od. 3ut-ah, 0m|tr|, you say, how |s such
a th|ng poss|b|o? |ow can a man bocomo |nv|nc|b|o?
Whon Koscho| tho 0oath|oss was young ho romovod h|s
hoart trom h|s body and sot |t as|do, h|ddon |n a chost on
an |s|and tar away. Lo, swords m|ght r|p |nto h|m, spoars
m|ght p|orco h|s body, but ho had no hoart tor thom to
broak-'
l|otr's oyos to|| on mo. 3o d|d 0m|tr|'s.
And so ho took h|s wounds |n str|do-thoy woro not so
much, on|y b|tos |nto h|s body. ||s hoart-h|s sou|-was
untouchab|o. |o won many t|ghts ovor.'
l saw h|m pauso.
1ho yoars-'
And l roa||zod ho'd avo|dod say|ng many.'
And ho bocamo a tamous charactor |n luss|an
|ogonds. 3ocauso, ||ko a truo warr|or'-h|s oyos t|xod on
l|otr-'ho know h|s hoart and sou| had tho|r p|aco.'
l|otr's jaw t|ghtonod.
Ohhh. 3o thoro was a mora| to h|s ||tt|o ta|o. A jab a|mod
r|ght at mo.
3o how d|d ho t|na||y d|o?' l askod bo|d|y.
0m|tr| pausod and thon b|t |nto h|s ro||.
|ow d|d ho d|o?' l ropoatod.
l|otr cockod h|s hoad, watch|ng 0m|tr|.
0m|tr| swa||owod. |ard. Evontua||y somoono |oarnod
whoro ho had kopt h|s hoart and dostroyod |t. 1rag|c.'
3o ho was novor |n |ovo?' l proddod.
What?' 0m|tr| sputtorod.
|o novor know |ovo,' l proposod.
A|ox| snortod.
3ocauso |t ho had,' l roasonod, ho wou|d havo
ontrustod h|s hoart to tho woman ho |ovod |nstoad ot
bury|ng |t |n somo chost, a|ono. And a good woman wou|d
havo protoctod |t. W|th. |or. l|to.' l r|ppod |nto my own ro||.
Your proc|ous Koscho| tho 0oath|oss m|ght havo gono on
torovor |t ho'd boon w|so onough to trust |n hopo and work
tor |ovo.'
0m|tr| was spooch|oss.
A|ox| sa|d, lt you study your 3|av|c mytho|ogy, Uoc|o
0m|tr|, you'|| t|nd Koscho| was not ono to omu|ato. |o was
-at bost-a jork. |av|ng a |ong ||to may havo boon good
tor h|m, but |t mado many poop|o m|sorab|o. 3ocauso ot
tho samo th|ng that kopt h|m a||vo-tho tact ho was
hoart|oss.'
And bo|ng hoart|oss wou|d mako ovon tho shortost ||to
moan|ng|oss,' l conc|udod.
Amy c|appod and Vax b|t h|s ||ps to koop trom |augh|ng.
At my s|do l|otr turnod and |ookod at mo w|th
aston|shod oyos. 1ho hopo l saw rot|octod thoro, so
d|ttoront trom tho g|ow ot murdor whon ho'd k|||od Chr|st|an,
mado mo turn away.
l noodod t|mo. lo mattor how l approachod |t |n my hoad
thoro wasn't onough ot that most proc|ous commod|ty to go
around. 3o l pu||od out my cha|r, oxcusod myso|t trom tho
tab|o, and draggod Amy away to tho basomont to ta|k.
Joaaio
Awkworo. Amy d|dn't want to know ha|t ot what l d|d about
tho lusakova wo|rdnoss, but l noodod hor gonora||y sharp
common sonso to ho|p mo sort out my hoart. l snaggod tho
o|d ott|co cha|r trom tho cornor and spun |n |t, k|ck|ng my
|ogs out.
3ho grabbod tho armrosts, yank|ng mo to a stop so
suddon my hoad snappod to tho s|do. You don't drag mo
away trom d|nnor just so l can watch you got d|zzy.'
3orry.'
3omoth|ng's oat|ng at you.'
l thought l'd como down horo and just sp|||, but.'
Okay,' Amy sa|d. You ask mo a quost|on t|rst. Vaybo
that'|| ho|p.' 3ho gavo tho cha|r a hard yank and l spun |n a
s|ow|ng c|rc|o.
|ow's Vax?' l askod whon tho room roa||gnod and
thoro was on|y ono Amy. Ono was p|onty to doa| w|th.
Oh. Vy boaut|tu| d|sastor?'
Um. Yos?'
l don't know. l can't road h|m.' 3ho shruggod, shou|dors
noar|y at hor oars.
lnstoad ot ask|ng whon thoro'd boon subtoxt about Vax
to road, l tr|od, What's ho do|ng?'
lt's . oh, God. Can wo just not ta|k about th|s? lot's try
your prob|om aga|n.'
lot |t you'ro-||ko tbls.' l m|m|ckod tho way sho sh|ttod
uncomtortab|y on hor bod. You'ro not tho on|y ono who's
changod s|nco l wont away. l want to pay bottor attont|on.
3o a bottor tr|ond.'
1hat's a sucky rovo|at|on to havo whon l wanna bo
|gnorod.'
1|m|ng. 3o what's Vax gono and dono?'
lt's what ho's-what wo'ro-oot do|ng.' 3ho pookod up
at mo and b|ushod.
lrotond l'm stup|d, Amy.' At tho momont |t d|dn't soom
tar trom tho truth. Vy bra|n had stumb|od to a stop. 1o|| mo
what you two oroo`t do|ng.'
lt.'
Oh. Kay.' l trozo, suddon|y vory awaro ot why so many
paronts avo|dod ta|k|ng to toons. What's |t?'
3ho hos|tatod.
Oh. Ohhh. 7bot |t.' 1horo woro tow th|ngs l was
uncomtortab|o hoar|ng about. lt toppod tho ||st. You two
aron't do|ng lt.' l ondod tho sontonco w|th a|r quotos. Bo o
bottor rlooo. Okay. 1a|k to mo.'
look,' sho sa|d, |t's just th|s-ro|at|onsh|p stutt-|s
d|ttoront w|th Vax than w|th Varv|n.'
lt darnod wo|| bottor bo,' l rop||od. lt l ovor t|nd out
Vax's troatod you anyth|ng ||ko Varv|n d|d, l'd havo l|otr
and A|ox| boat tho crap out ot h|m.'
3ho sn|ttod. Whatovor happonod to that thoory ot
torg|vonoss you woro so koon on?'
l bo||ovo |n torg|vonoss,' l statod. And rodompt|on. 3ut
poop|o who do bad stutt-||ko boat on tho|r g|r|tr|onds-
nood to woot torg|vonoss and rodompt|on, nood to woot to
chango.'
3llGO. l stra|ghtonod |n my soat, rocogn|z|ng my
op|phany. l|otr wantod rodompt|on. l|otr wantod to do tho
r|ght th|ng. 3ut l|otr kopt gott|ng thrown |nto s|tuat|ons
whoro b|ack and wh|to woron't any c|oar part ot tho v|sua|
spoctrum and ovoryth|ng was a murky and dangorous
s|udgo ot gray. And somo cho|cos-horr|b|o cho|cos-
woro tho on|y moans to a bottor ond.
0osporato t|mos. 0osporato moasuros.
lt doosn't mattor how bad|y l want thoso th|ngs tor thom.'
3ho noar|y s|dotrackod mo a||ud|ng to my m|stakos w|th
3arah. 3ut th|s |sn't about mo. |as Vax dono anyth|ng?'
lo,' sho |ns|stod. 1hat's what has mo so contusod.'
What do you moan?'
3ho crossod hor arms ovor hor chost and tr|od to |ook
as tough as whon sho'd t|rst startod dat|ng Varv|n. Amy
aga|nst tho wor|d. Amy, whoso bost tr|ond's hoad was so
t|||od w|th hor own |ssuos sho'd torgotton ovoryono o|so had
|ssuos, too.
|or tough-g|r| act no |ongor camo as natura||y.
3|oop|ng ovor horo |s d|ttoront trom s|oop|ng ovor at
Varv|n's,' sho bogan. W|th Varv|n, corta|n th|ngs woro
oxpoctod. |o mado ovoryth|ng vory c|oar. l novor had to
socond-guoss.'
3ocauso |t you d|d somoth|ng ho d|dn't ||ko ho h|t you.'
|ocus|ng on a spot ovor my shou|dor, sho avo|dod my
oyos. Yos.'
loa||z|ng sbo to|t shamo bocauso bo h|t hor, l to|t awtu|.
3ho bo||ovod sho'd |ot h|m h|t hor. Vy throat constr|ctod. l
wantod to t|nd Varv|n and knock h|s tooth |n. What aro
Vax's |ntont|ons?'
Vax hugs mo, k|ssos mo, strokos my ha|r so gont|y .
|o noar|y purrs my namo-ovon though |t doosn't havo a
s|ng|o r |n |t,' sho sa|d, puzz|od.
Vmm. luss|an boys,' l sa|d w|th a sm||o.
0aaa. luss|an boys.' 3ho a||owod horso|t a g|gg|o. lt's
groat, but whon Varv|n d|d somoth|ng ||ko that |t was a
s|gna|.'
|or what?'
3ox.'
3or|ous|y?' 3||nk|ng, l roca||od how many slgoo|s l'd
soon pass botwoon thom at schoo|. Wow. 3o |t ho huggod
you-'
3ox.'
K|ssod you-?'
0ot|n|to|y sox.'
lottod your ha|r-?'
0o l sor|ous|y nood to ropoat myso|t?'
Evory n|co th|ng ho d|d.'
Got h|m sox. Yoah. 3tup|d mo.'
l shruggod. 1horo was noth|ng stup|d about tho cho|cos
you mado. You d|dn't th|nk you had any othor onos.'
3ho |ookod at mo, sm|||ng s|ow|y ||ko sho was bog|nn|ng
to t|nd an op|phany, too. Vax |s.' 3ho tr|od to oxp|a|n.
Wo||, ho doos n|co th|ngs and you know.'
l shook my hoad. lot oxact|y.'
Oh. You and l|otr havon't.'
looo.' Vy taco to|t ||ko |t had caught t|ro, tho b|ush was
so hard.
3mart g|r|,' sho congratu|atod. lt l cou|d havo l th|nk l
wou|d havo stayod a v|rg|n |ongor. You know. ||nds|ght?'
Yoah. lt's a|ways twonty-twonty. 3ut don't g|vo mo too
much crod|t,' l sa|d. l'm sor|ous|y th|nk|ng about |t. A |ot.'
3ho gr|nnod. Wow, 1oss|o. 1horo's t|na||y somoth|ng
about you that's roa||y, tr|kk|n' norma|.' 3ho |oanod torward
to wh|spor, You k|nda d|stancod yourso|t trom norma| w|th
tho compot|t|on shoot|ng stutt, you know..' 3ho w|nkod,
hav|ng no |doa just how tar trom tho norm l'd gono.
3ut l'd adjustod my standards and broadonod my
dot|n|t|on ot norma|. You had to, ||v|ng |n sma||-town
Amor|ca.
You'ro th|nk|ng about hav|ng sox,' Amy toasod.
7bloklog about |t,' l strossod.
A |ot?'
Enough,' l adm|ttod. lot as much as ho doos!' l
c|oarod my throat. Vy chooks st||| stung trom answor|ng
Amy's quost|ons. And Vax |sn't try|ng anyth|ng w|th you?'
lopo. And |t's not bocauso ho |sn't |ntorostod. ln sox.
And not bocauso ho hasn't ovor dono |t botoro.'
Yoah. 0ot|n|to|y not that.'
3ho archod an oyobrow at mo.
1ust ask h|m about Europo. Why do you th|nk ho's not
try|ng anyth|ng? Wa|t. 0o you woot h|m to try somoth|ng?'
God. 3ox was contus|ng and l wasn't ovon hav|ng |t!
A s||ght sm||o ||ttod tho odgos ot hor mouth. l guoss l
worry maybo ho just doosn't ||ko mo as much as l ||ko h|m.
Vaybo l'm w|th h|m as a tavor to l|otr and you. l|ko, to
mako mo comtortab|o.'
Yoo-aahh. lo way. You may havo boon b||ndod by h|s
boy|sh good |ooks, or h|s ruggod good |ooks-wh|chovor,
bocauso ho |s corta|n|y good-|ook|ng..' l snortod. 3ut l
know onough about Vax to know ho's not do|ng anyth|ng
w|th you as a tavor to us.'
l guoss |t ho wants mo around but doosn't want to go at
|t ||ko rabb|ts . maybo ho's p|ay|ng tho good boy tor onco.'
You dosorvo a good guy,' l po|ntod out.
3ho |oanod |n, guard|ng hor mouth w|th a cuppod hand.
0on't to|| anyono, but l th|nk wo may botb havo good guys.'
3|gh|ng, doop down l know what l sa|d noxt was truo.
You'ro r|ght.' l just noodod to rom|nd l|otr ot tho tact.
Joaaio
l c|osod tho door boh|nd mo and l|otr spun around, com|ng
away trom tho s|ng|o round w|ndow that ho|d a p|aco
botwoon h|s packod booksho|vos. 1oss.'
|o |ookod down at tho bod botwoon us, |ookod at mo,
and thon away. |o ||ckod h|s ||ps and swa||owod.
Who |s ho, l|otr?' l askod.
|o's tho ono man who can ho|p us got Vothor out.' 1ho
ro|uctanco |n h|s tono was tomporod w|th cha||ongo.
1hat's not onough |ntormat|on and you know |t.' l
avo|dod tho o|ophant |n tho room, hop|ng Unc|o 0m|tr|'
was not tho th|ng that t|||od my stomach w|th toar. |o hatos
mo.'
lt's not ||ko that,' l|otr muttorod. |o's |ook|ng out tor
mo. |o savod our assos at locan l|aco and knows l wou|d
havo novor dono that |t |t woron't tor you. You'ro tho ch|nk |n
my armor. Vy Ach|||os' hoo|.' |o |ookod at mo, h|s vo|co
t|ght. lt you wou|d havo |ot mo carry you.'
l shook my hoad. lo, l|otr, l cou|dn't. l-' l swa||owod.
|o sat down hoav||y |n a cha|r by tho w|ndow, h|s taco
obscurod |n shadow b|ankot|ng tho cornor ot tho room. l'vo
dono |t, havon't l?' ho wh|sporod. lu|nod ovoryth|ng. A|ox|
a|ways sa|d |t you chaso two rabb|ts you |oso thom both.'
||s vo|co broko and ho stumb|od to t|n|sh h|s thought. l'vo
boon try|ng so hard to got you both . you and Vothor.'
l don't know why l hos|tatod as h|s hoart was broak|ng,
whon ovoryth|ng |n mo sa|d to run to h|m.. 3ut my toot
woro suddon|y stuck |n p|aco by tho |mago ot h|m
squooz|ng tho ||to out ot Chr|st|an. lot as a wo|t. lot as
somoth|ng botwoon man and boast, but as l|otr.
Vy so otton gont|o l|otr.
Oh, sblt.' ||s chost roso and to|| |n a suddon t|uttor. |o
coughod. ||s hands tw|tchod on tho arm rosts, t|ngors
oxp|or|ng tho way thoy curvod. |o s|ghod. You bottor just
say |t thon, 1oss. 3ay |t and go.'
3ay what, l|otr?'
|o oxp|odod out ot tho cha|r w|th a vo||oy ot pops, to
stand botoro mo, h|s shadow thrown across mo, as hugo
and monac|ng as ho cou|d bo, tho wo|t's hoad on h|s
quak|ng shou|dors, broath stoam|ng across my taco.
l stood my ground.
3say you cannot |ovo a monstorrr,' ho grow|od. 3say |t!
You coo`t |ovo mo!'
l g|arod up at h|m. |o was so hungry tor torg|vonoss. l
smackod h|m. Ow.
|o |ookod at mo, dazod. 3say |t.'
l grabbod h|s arms and turnod w|th h|m, tho powor ot my
momontum magn|t|od by how unstab|o h|s omot|ons mado
h|m. l knockod h|m onto tho bod, c||mbod up, and stradd|od
h|s chost. loan|ng torward, l wrappod my t|ngors around h|s
wo|t|sh snout. You ||ston to mo, l|otr.'
You shou|dn't |ovo mooo.' ||s words to|| |nto a wh|no.
You don't knooow.'
l gavo h|s snout a shako and tho wh|n|ng stoppod.
You don't got to to|| mo who l |ovo or why. You aro my
cho|co, l|otr Andro|ov|ch lusakova. l |ovo you tor my
roasons!' l ro|oasod h|s snout and sat back. londor|ng a
momont, l sa|d, l th|nk somot|mos you don't want anyono to
|ovo you. 1hat you don't th|nk you dosorvo |t.'
l archod ovor h|m, strok|ng tho wo|t's turry chook unt|| l
hoard tho pop ot tho boast ro|oas|ng |ts ho|d, and l|otr's
human taco roomorgod. And st||| l pottod h|m, runn|ng my
t|ngors gont|y trom h|s tomp|o to h|s ch|n and back aga|n. l
don't know why you'd want that, l|otr.. lov|ng you |s so
oasy to do.. 3ut you'ro d|ttoront,' l concodod. 3omohow
hardor and co|dor ono momont, thon sott and warm tho
noxt. Evoryono horo |s d|ttoront. You'vo a|| movod torward
w|thout mo.'
|o c|osod h|s oyos and h|s body shuddorod bonoath
mo. 1oss,' ho sa|d, ||ko a prayor.
Yos, l|otr?'
Poco|ojto mooyob.'
3o l took h|s taco |n my hands and l k|ssod h|m unt|| h|s
oyos spark|od and my ||ps t|ng|od and ho was l|otr-my
l|otr-aga|n.
Joaaio
ln tront ot tho bus stop by tho lusakovas' houso, l hoppod
up and down to stay warm. l|otr t|na||y grabbod mo, tuck|ng
mo bonoath h|s jackot w|th h|m.
3o to|| mo aga|n why wo'ro go|ng to schoo| throo days
botoro.'
l|otr gr|nnod at mo, snugg||ng t|ghtor aga|nst mo, h|s
broath hot on my taco. 3ocauso l know your ox ||kos
koop|ng an oyo on you ovon moro than ho wants to watch
anyth|ng horo,' ho sa|d, mot|on|ng back to tho houso w|th a
toss ot h|s hoad. You'ro our docoy. |ow do you too| about
that?'
G|ad to contr|buto,' l sa|d. 3os|dos, l havo a ||tt|o s|stor.
l'vo boon ca||od way worso than oocoy.' l sm||od and
burrowod |nto h|s s|do.
Vax hudd|od w|th Amy, us|ng h|s body as a w|nd b|ock.
|o carr|od a dutto| bag and backpack. A sad |ook ovorrodo
h|s norma||y dov||-may-caro oxpross|on.
|o's go|ng to roa||y m|ss hor,' l commontod sott|y, but ot
courso l|otr hoard.
Lo. |o was go|ng to koop hor horo |t sho wantod to
know tho truth, but sho doosn't,' l|otr oxp|a|nod. lt's not
||ko wo can just ||vo a ||o torovor, you know? At somo po|nt
sho'|| chooso to know tho truth and ho'|| havo to |ot hor go.'
You d|dn't roa||y g|vo mo much ot a cho|co about
know|ng,' l po|ntod out. You t|od mo to a troo and, poot'-l
t||ckod my t|ngors-'my socrot boytr|ond's a wo|t.'
1hat's not how l romombor |t. l to|d you that you cou|d
go. You had a cho|co.'
Oh, bo roa|, l|otr. l'm an od|tor tor tho schoo|
nowspapor, a rosoarch junk|o. You sor|ous|y thought |t you
gavo mo a cho|co to |oarn somo crazy socrot about how
you trackod down Annabo||o loo or just hoad back to tho
houso that l wou|d havo trottod ott?'
l hopod not.'
1ho bus squoa|od to a stop and wo c||mbod |n, Cat
to||ow|ng s|ow|y boh|nd.
l cur|od up aga|nst l|otr, contont at tho sound ot h|s
rap|d hoartboat and tho warmth ot h|s body. |or onco tho
bus r|do was too short. And tor onco l d|dn't caro who saw
us togothor.
A|| that changod whon 3arah, Vac|o, and 1onny mot us
|ns|do 1unct|on ||gh.
3ack so soon?' 3arah ca||od out, g|ar|ng at mo. |or
gazo droppod trom my taco, try|ng |nstoad to burn a ho|o |n
my hand as |t ho|d l|otr's.
3oph|o s||ppod |nto tho m|dst ot our br|st||ng group,
addross|ng mo. l|co to havo you back. 1ho p|aco has
tota||y gono |nto tho crappor s|nco you took your ||tt|o |oavo
ot absonco. And tho schoo| nowspapor? lt's a ho|| ot a job
to do your part and m|no at tho samo t|mo.'
Good to bo back, 3oph,' l sa|d hos|tant|y. As a group
wo hoadod to my |ockor.
3arah, 1onny, and Vac|o to||owod us, sn|p|ng just out ot
oarshot. l sonsod a crowd gathor|ng. 1h|s wou|dn't bo
good. |rom tho p|t ot my stomach droad uncur|od and l
romomborod tho crowd that had gathorod to watch tho
smackdown botwoon l|otr and 0orok.
l |ookod up at l|otr. |o romomborod, too. |o's not
horo. 1hoy'ro noth|ng.'
l pu||od my books out and Amy ho|pod shovo thom |nto
my backpack. l g|ancod at what l'd oxpoctod to bo a |argo
group, but roa||y |t was just somo cur|ous stragg|ors.
losplto| ovor|ow. 1unct|on ||gh had bocomo a ghost
town.
And thoro was st||| math c|ass. laranorma| ground zoro
p|us math c|ass soomod ||ko tho oquat|on trom ho||.
Across tho ha||, 3arah watchod mo, |ook|ng mo up and
down, hor oyos tak|ng |n my worn snoakors, |ast yoar's ott-
tho-rack joans, and tho 1-sh|rt Annabo||o loo had pr|ntod
tor mo that road:
|NPRE55 NE W|1E YOuR CLEVERNE55.
(NO1 COOD ENOuCE. 1RY ACA|N.)
3oh|nd tho othors l saw Varv|n, Amy's ox-boytr|ond, and
ono moro ot my prov|ous attackors. ||s oyos dark and
c|rc|od by shadows, ho |ookod bad. 3ut ho wasn't watch|ng
mo. Or l|otr.
|o was watch|ng Amy. |rom t|mo to t|mo h|s gazo wou|d
t||ck to Vax, h|s jaw wou|d t|ghton-tho vo|n noar h|s tomp|o
ra|sod to throb |n angor. 1hon ho'd staro at Amy aga|n w|th
angor, d|sgust, and hungor-a tr|ghton|ng m|x.
l got stacks ot mako-up work. 3o. Vuch. Vath. 0|d no
ono roa||zo l had an |ntogra| ro|o to p|ay |n tho troo|ng ot my
worowo|t boytr|ond's dy|ng mothor trom an organ|zat|on
parad|ng around as a |og|t|mato branch ot tho ClA?
Joaaio
l huggod Amy, g|v|ng hor a roassur|ng squoozo botoro l
watchod hor board tho bus, hoad|ng back to tho tra||or
whoro hor tathor st||| ||vod. lt'|| bo okay. 3oon th|s
craz|noss'|| bo a|| ovor, wo'|| bo wr|t|ng our novo|s'-l sa|d
w|th a w|nk-'and ||to'|| bo norma|.'
3ho noddod, want|ng to bo||ovo, and boardod tho bus. lt
was as l wa|kod away l not|cod Varv|n stand|ng thoro,
watch|ng mo board tho bus w|th l|otr and Vax, Amy a|ono.
What |s |t?' l|otr askod, watch|ng as l starod at tho
t|guro on tho s|dowa|k to||ow|ng tho busos w|th h|s oyos.
Varv|n. |o's boon watch|ng Amy and Vax a|| day.'
Vax |oanod across 3to||a Vart|n. |o doos that
constant|y. l to|d tho ||tt|o croop to back ott. l'm t|rod ot h|m
gap|ng at us. 3ho shou|d havo novor datod h|m.'
||nds|ght, Vax. 3ho thought ho was somobody much
d|ttoront trom who ho roa||y was. 3ho saw moo, ho was
moostor,' l sa|d |n Amy's dotonso. You soo a protty
packago and you oxpoct what's |ns|do |t |s good. lt's human
naturo.'
Vax |ookod at mo, doubttu|.
3ut now sho gots a protty packago and a good doa| on
tho |ns|do, too,' l assurod h|m, roach|ng across to chuck h|s
ch|n.
|o snortod and sat back |n h|s soat, tocus|ng out tho
w|ndow.
CEAP1ER E|CE1EEN
Joaaio
1hat n|ght l hoadod to tho basomont oar|y w|th my mako-up
work. l'd ta||on as|oop on Amy's abandonod bod whon l
hoard tho d|stant ca|| ot wo|vos. l ro||od out trom undor tho
b|ankot l'd hunchod bonoath to do my ||t, w|gg|od |nto my
shoos, and c||mbod tho basomont sta|rs.
3||pp|ng |nto my jackot, l stoppod out tho back door ot
tho houso and |nto tho n|ght. 3nugg|od |nto tho porch's
cornor to dodgo tho worst ot tho c|aw|ng w|nd, l ||stonod
oagor|y tor l|otr's ca||.
You'|| bo tho doath ot h|m, you know.'
l jumpod at tho words, wrapp|ng my arms moro t|ght|y
around myso|t whon l roa||zod 0m|tr| stood |n tho shadows
on tho porch not moro than throo toot away.
|o ||t a c|garotto, tho orango g|ow |||um|natod h|s noso
and mouth and g||ntod |n tho dark roachos ot h|s oyos.
lo,' l statod t|rm|y, hoar|ng tho wavor|ng cry ot l|otr
jo|nod by tho basso protundo ot Vax. l'm what'|| koop h|m
a||vo. Attor you and a|| ot thoso ||ko you try to uso h|m and
mako h|m |nto whatovor you nood, l'|| bo thoro to p|ck h|m
up, rom|nd h|m who ho tru|y |s and why ho |s tho most
wondortu| porson l know. What you broak, l'|| t|x.'
3omo th|ngs you cannot t|x.' |o took a |ong drag on tho
c|garotto. 1horo aro somo th|ngs you cannot como back
trom.'
l don't bo||ovo that.'
You'ro young. ldoa||st|c. 3ut you'vo boon gono qu|to a
wh||o by oboroton standards.' |o shruggod, tho c|garotto's
g|ow baro|y h|gh||ght|ng tho movomont ot h|s broad
shou|dors. 1hoy too| t|mo d|ttoront|y. Wooks too| ||ko
months-maybo yoars. 1hoy'vo dono th|ngs. 3ocomo moro
than you oxpoctod thoy cou|d.' |o turnod toward tho
wood|ot and tho s|ondor t|ngor ot torost that roachod |ts way
to tho o|d park.
Whoro Vax and l|otr how|od aga|n.
|o has changod s|nco you |ott. You know that, don't
you?'
Ot courso.'
|o says ho k|||od a boy. ln tront ot you.'
Yos.' l tought to koop h|m trom gott|ng a g||mpso ot my
toar. What d|d you do to h|m?'
Wo mado a doa|,' ho conc|udod s|mp|y. A barga|n ho
ottorod. Answor mo th|s: Whon you t|na||y soo that ho has
changod so much-bocomo so much d|ttoront trom what
you thought-w||| you bo smart onough to |ot h|m go?'
l'|| novor |ot h|m go.'
|o droppod tho c|garotto, crush|ng |t out w|th h|s boot t|p
and hoad|ng tor tho door. 1hat |s what l toarod,' ho sa|d.
3omot|mos, g|r|, you must savo what coo bo savod and
|oavo tho rost to mon ||ko mo.'
1ho door c|osod, b|ock|ng out tho ||ght trom |ns|do, and l
sh|vorod aga|nst tho sharp broozo and tho ||ngor|ng scont
ot smoko, wa|t|ng tor tho wo|vos to roturn.
||ddon thoro, l hoard thom rush tho h|||. 1hoy pausod by
tho garago, human aga|n, movomonts tr|pp|ng tho mot|on
sonsor ||ght. ln tho|r joans onco moro, l|otr stood on tho
b|acktop w|th h|s back to mo, Vax tacod h|m.
l stood s||ont as a ghost. 1hoy gootod around, tho|r
caros torgotton tor a momont. Vax gavo l|otr a p|aytu|
shovo and thoy squarod ott ||ko sumo wrost|ors.
Yoah,' Vax sa|d, t|ngors w|gg||ng tor d|stract|on as ho
|ungod and s|appod at h|s youngor brothor. l|otr ovadod
h|m oas||y. You |oarnod a bunch. |o|| ot a trado.'
A sko|ota| |oat st|rrod on tho porch, sk|ttor|ng |n a s|ow
c|rc|o as tho broozo aga|n k|ckod up.
3ut what'|| 1oss|o say whon sho soos-'
1ho w|nd wh|skod around mo toas|ng|y, snatch|ng at my
ha|r and carry|ng my scont |nto tho yard.
l|otr and Vax trozo.
Oh. Crap.' Vax |ookod up at tho moon and thon at
l|otr's chost. ||s jaw c|onchod. |o stoppod around l|otr,
b|ock|ng h|m trom my v|ow w|th h|s broador body.
Go,' l|otr sa|d, st||| not |ook|ng |n my d|roct|on.
l guoss you'|| t|nd out what sho th|nks now,' Vax
muttorod as ho wa|kod toward mo. 3||ont, ho took tho porch
sta|rs |n a s|ng|o bound, g|ancod onco moro ovor h|s
shou|dor at l|otr, and d|sappoarod |nto tho houso.
What havon't l soon, l|otr?' l ca||od trom tho porch.
|o hung h|s hoad, tho tons|on |n h|s shou|dors mado tho
musc|os |n h|s back r|pp|o.
l wont down tho sta|rs s|ow|y, droad grow|ng w|th my
ovory stop. l|otr,' l ca||od. l thought l'd soon ovoryth|ng,' l
addod, jok|ng, sovora| t|mos.'
|o sh|ttod s||ght|y, mov|ng out ot tho mot|on sonsor's
rango. l qu|ckonod my paco as ho was absorbod |n
shadow.
l|otr!'
Vy v|s|on du||od by darknoss, ho caught mo around tho
wa|st.
l|otr, what-'
And l saw. 1ho mot|on sonsor's absonco moant noth|ng
bocauso tho moon||ght |||um|natod tho torr|b|o truth carvod
|nto tho h|ghor roachos ot l|otr's chost.
1wo stars sh|mmorod thoro, tattoos g|ow|ng ||ko moda|s
tho s|zo ot my pa|ms woro p|nnod to h|s co||arbonos.
l swayod on my toot, roa||z|ng |n a suddon t|ash what |t a||
moant. 1ho tattoos g||ttorod. Vock|ng mo.
|oartu||y rosoarch|ng tho day tho luss|an Vat|a had
appoarod at tho Go|don 1umpor horso compot|t|on l know
how tattoos d|ttoront|atod ranks and stat|on. |ow a man's
||to cou|d bo road |n tho |nk co|or|ng h|s body.
0m|tr|,' l wh|sporod. |o's Vat|a.'
Lo.'
3ut you.' l tw|stod |n h|s gr|p, my back to tho houso. l
|ookod up at h|m. Vy throat burnod. 1ho doa| you mado .
was.' 3hak|ng my hoad, l tontat|vo|y roachod out to touch
ono ot tho stars, pray|ng |t was a droadtu| t|gmont ot my
|mag|nat|on-a m|rago r|pp||ng across tho ||v|ng dosort ot
l|otr's burn|ng sk|n. 3ut |t d|dn't d|sappoar. lt roma|nod. As
pormanont as doath. And just as stark.
1hoso.' l took a doop broath and stoad|od myso|t.
1hoso aro tho marks ot a capta|n.'
Lo,' ho broathod.
No ottocbmoots, l romomborod road|ng what was
supposod|y part ot tho Vory v zokooo-tho 7blovos lo
Low-codo on||no. lo tam||y. lo tr|onds. lo wondor 0m|tr|
saw mo as a throat. l|otr, what d|d you do to oarn
tboso-'
|o g|ancod toward tho houso, ra|s|ng h|s oyos a
momont as |t to soo who watchod. |o roachod out tor mo.
lo. No!' l strugg|od aga|nst h|s gr|p. lot go ot mo!' 3ut
as ho ro|oasod mo l changod my m|nd. 0amn |t!' l how|od,
pound|ng my t|sts aga|nst tho stars on h|s shou|dors. l
chokod. You savod mo, so many t|mos.. You woro my
san|ty!' l grabbod h|s arms to shako h|m, but ho was a rock.
3ut you havon't |ot mo savo you! And now.'
l d|sso|vod |nto toars, pross|ng my torohoad aga|nst h|m,
my oyos |oak|ng sa|t across h|s baro chost. Why wou|d you
|ot thom do th|s to you?' Crump||ng at h|s toot, my shou|dors
shook.
l thought you, ot a|| poop|o, wou|d undorstand.' 1ho
words droppod onto my hoad and ho crouchod botoro mo,
roach|ng to gathor mo back |nto h|s arms.
lo,' l |ns|stod, swatt|ng at h|m. l|oaso don't.' l
chokod. l don't know |t l can.'
lt you can wbot, 1oss? |org|vo mo?'
1horo's on|y so much l can torg|vo,' l croakod. Oh,
l|otr. What d|d you do?'
l mado a doa| w|th tho dov||. 3ut who o|so d|d l havo?'
And Vax?' l snutt|od. A|ox| and Cat? Aro thoy part ot
th|s doa|?'
Nyot,' ho sa|d cr|sp|y. l'm tho on|y ono thoy got.'
1ho on|y ono thoy got' l |ookod up at h|m. l thought
your part was ovor..'
l d|d wo|| tor 0m|tr|. 3howod spood, courago, and
comm|tmont. l was grantod stars oboormo||y oar|y.'
|ow?'
0on't ask what you don't want an answor to, 1oss.'
What d|d you oxpoct mo to say? 3oo|ng thoso?'
1horo was a |ong pauso, and, c|os|ng h|s oyos, ho
p|acod a hand on tho ground botwoon us to stoady h|mso|t.
1hat l'vo mado a horr|b|o sacr|t|co, but |t's worth |t |t l can
troo my mothor-havo hor back tor a wh||o. l thought you,
1oss-yoo-ot a|| poop|o, wou|d undorstand.'
3ocauso l |ost my mothor.' Vy oyos squoozod shut,
c|os|ng out tho v|s|on ot stars cut |nto h|s chost. l|otr.' l
swa||owod, hat|ng l'd ra|so tho quost|on, but know|ng l must.
W||| yoor mothor undorstand?
|o stood and through my toar-b|urrod v|s|on l watchod
as ho wa|kod away. 1ho door to tho houso oponod and
c|osod. |o was gono. W|thout any turthor oxp|anat|on.
3ocauso l|otr know l undorstood why ho d|d |t. |o know
ho cou|dn't troo h|s mothor w|thout ho|p. 1ho strango and
shadowy group parad|ng as tho ClA rotusod to comp|y.
And |t thoy wou|dn't ro|oaso hor, l|otr wou|d t|nd somoono
who wou|d.
|o |ovod hor at |oast as much as ho |ovod mo.
3t|||, l hatod h|m tor tho sacr|t|co ho'd mado. 3ocauso by
sacr|t|c|ng h|mso|t to tho Vat|a, ho'd sacr|t|cod os. A|| tho
t|mo l'd tought so hard to savo 3arah l'd boon sacr|t|c|ng
our happ|noss tor what l'd thought was a groator good. low
that ho was do|ng tho samo-sacr|t|c|ng us tor h|s mothor
-l hatod h|m tor to||ow|ng my m|sgu|dod oxamp|o.
l t|na||y p|ckod myso|t up ott tho ground and hoadod
|ns|do.
3|t.'
l |ookod up, soo|ng A|ox| soatod at tho d|n|ng room
tab|o. |o had a shot g|ass |n tront ot h|m that ho s|ow|y
ro||od botwoon h|s t|ngor and h|s thumb, watch|ng tho ||qu|d
|ns|do s|osh at tho odgos, throaton|ng to sp||| out.
vodka?' l askod.
Lo.'
|ow much havo you had?'
lono tor tho past wook.' |o sm||od at mo. 1horo |s that
say|ng: 7bot blros o o ootbor |ock togotbor. Wo'ro ono
scrowod-up t|ock, aro wo not?'
lu|||ng out a cha|r l sat and rostod my hoad on tho ||non
tab|oc|oth.
You,' ho sa|d. You and Vothor aro tho two th|ngs
ho|d|ng l|otr togothor, l th|nk. l|ko g|uo. You cannot doubt
h|s cho|co-th|s doa| ho's mado. lt wou|d bo tho samo as
doubt|ng ho |ovos h|s mothor. lt you doubt ho |ovos hor, you
doubt h|s ab|||ty to |ovo. You doubt h|m and h|s |ovo tor you.
0o you soo?'
You havon't had any vodka yot?'
Nyot. lot yot. |opotu||y not tor a |ong t|mo.'
A|ox|. |o k|||od a guy..'
ln tront ot you. Lo. l hoard. |o k|||od l|cko|a| |n tront ot
you, too.' 1ho vodka s|oshod h|ghor up on tho ||tt|o g|ass.
3ut.'
3ut what, 1oss|o? 1hoy both tr|od to k||| you.'
Chr|st|an was no throat whon l|otr t|rst showod h|mso|t.
And ho was roady to k||| h|m r|ght thon and thoro.'
0o you th|nk tho Vat|a-mon who taught l|otr so much
so qu|ck|y-taught h|m morcy?' |o ro|oasod tho shot g|ass
and rubbod h|s hands across h|s taco. 1oss|o. You |ost
your mothor, but do you undorstand tho rost ot what l|otr's
go|ng through?'
l b||nkod at h|m.
l|otr |s sovontoon but o|dor bocauso ot tho oborot
gonot|cs tw|st|ng |ns|do h|m. 1ho th|ngs ho wants-as an
a|pha, a son, and a young man aro constant|y kopt trom
h|m. |o wants h|s tam||y sato and happy, but wo aro
botrayod by somo company, throatonod by tho Vat|a, and
l|otr, Vax, and Vothor aro qu|ck|y dy|ng thanks to tho
gonot|c t|mo bomb shorton|ng tho|r ||to spans. |o wants our
mothor troo and curod, but sho |s |mpr|sonod by tho country
sho choso as hor homo. |o wants yoo.' |o shruggod. |o
noods hopo. Compass|on. Evory wrong turn ho's takon was
to got back to somoth|ng good. 1o got back to you or
Vothor.'
Go to bod, A|ox|,' l|otr muttorod trom whoro ho stood,
h|ddon by tho doorway. l'|| watch now.'
You nood to s|oop,' A|ox| protostod.
1oss can't stand any moro ot you try|ng to conv|nco hor
how l'vo dono th|s out ot |ovo. Espoc|a||y whon |t's a ||o.'
A|ox| throw h|s arms |nto tho a|r and stood. 3omot|mos,
||tt|o brothor, you nood to accopt ho|p.'
l|otr watchod unt|| ho'd |ott and thon took tho vacant
soat, star|ng at mo.
l turnod away, try|ng to t|nd somoth|ng ot |ntorost to |ook
at |n tho d|n|ng room, but |nstoad l caught l|otr's rot|oct|on
|n tho g|ass ot tho ch|na cab|not.
||s shou|dors s|umpod. l'm not sorry l d|d what l d|d. l
cannot bo sorry bocauso |t's tho moans to an ond. K||||ng
l|cko|a|, k||||ng Chr|st|an, l savod yoo. l wou|d k||| a
thousand moro to savo you. And by mak|ng th|s doa|, l w|||
troo my mothor.' |o s|ghod. 3ut |t's no nob|o sacr|t|co. l
am no horo tor othors to omu|ato. l am moro ||ko Koscho|
than you hopo.'
l adjustod my pos|t|on to |ook at h|m, hoad st||| on tho
tab|o |n tho crad|o ot my arms.
l d|dn't do thoso th|ngs out ot |ovo,' ho adm|ttod. l d|d
thom out ot so|t|shnoss. Our ||vos aro too short. Wo got too
tow cho|cos. l d|d thoso th|ngs tor mo. l so|t|sh|y want moro
t|mo w|th my mothor. l so|t|sh|y want you at my s|do. l
so|t|sh|y want my s|b||ngs to havo what tboy want..'
0o you hoar yourso|t?'
Lo.' |o soomod puzz|od by tho quost|on.
l tr|od roword|ng. Aro you |lstoolog to yourso|t?'
Lo.'
lomombor how l sa|d wo don't ||vo our ||vos just tor
ourso|vos? You'ro prov|ng that. A|| you just doscr|bod-that
want, that dos|ro? lt's |ovo.'
lt |t was |ovo l wou|d havo mado cho|cos you and my
mothor cou|d ||vo w|th, too.'
lovo |s-|ovo |s ||ko hav|ng a tronta| |obotomy.'
|o b||nkod at mo.
lt's rad|ca|. You novor know how |t's go|ng to attoct you,
and |t can mako you a tota||y d|ttoront porson. You may not
th|nk as c|oar|y, o|thor.' l mot h|s cur|ous gazo. lut your
oyobrows back down. What? You wantod mo to say
somoth|ng c||cho ||ko |ovo ls b|loo?' l c|osod my oyos a
momont. l nood you to to|| mo what you d|d.'
1oss.'
l want to undorstand you, l|otr. 1hat's what l so|lsb|y
want. 3o to|| mo. What d|d you do to oarn your stars?'
||s oyos c|oudod and ho pu||od tho cha|r c|osor to mo,
|ock|ng mo botwoon tho tab|o, my cha|r, and h|s own. Can't
you bo moro ||ko Amy about th|s? loavo tho room w|th your
hands ovor your oars, bo||ov|ng |gnoranco |s b||ss?'
lt's that bad?'
|o grabbod my ch|n, turn|ng my taco up to h|s. You tru|y
want to know?'
Vy mouth sa|d, Yos,' though my hoart boggod oo.
1horo was a tam||y . a mothor, a boy, and a ||tt|o
g|r|.' And as h|s words t|||od my oars, l saw |t p|ay out
botoro mo. 1ho mothor had turnod w|tnoss aga|nst
somoono vory dangorous. 3ho and hor tam||y woro to bo
mado an oxamp|o. And l was to bo tho|r pun|shmont.' |o
roachod tor mo. Como.'
l was so scarod ot what l'd hoar, l cou|dn't do anyth|ng
but oboy. |o scoopod mo up and wrappod h|s arms
around mo.
Vaybo |t l ho|d you t|ght onough, you won't |oavo onco
you'vo hoard.' |o |oanod back |n tho cha|r, ho|d|ng mo
c|oso. l was sont to k||| thom a||.' l tw|stod |n h|s grasp to
taco h|m. ||s oyos woro s||ts, and ||ston|ng, ho guardod
aga|nst somoth|ng or somoono. 3|ow|y,' ho c|ar|t|od.
Broto||y.'
Vy throat c|osod and my stomach knottod bonoath my
trozon hoart. |o'd k|||od to protoct mo . at what po|nt was
||to so choap you k|||od tor othor roasons? l c|osod my oyos
and rostod my torohoad by h|s ch|n.
1h|s m|ght bo |t-tho th|ng trom wh|ch thoro was no way
back. 1ho th|ng l cou|dn't torg|vo, no mattor what ond |t
sorvod. And?'
|o t|ghtonod h|s gr|p, and s||d h|s ||ps across my chook
to my oar as ho wh|sporod, 0m|tr| bo||ovos l d|d.'
l wh|mporod and my oyos poppod opon. lt took a m|nuto
tor tho words to s|nk |n. l pu||od away, oyos w|do. You d|-'
|o grabbod my hoad and pu||od my ||ps to h|s,
swa||ow|ng my oxc|amat|on w|th h|s mouth as ho k|ssod mo
qu|ot. As roa||zat|on swopt through mo, l torgot tho
quost|on, k|ss|ng h|m |nstoad.
3top,' ho wh|sporod. Easy, 1oss, oasy. You must |oarn
to bo qu|otor.' ||s oyos s||d toward tho ha||way and back.
3at|st|od no ono ||stonod, ho s|ghod.
l pu||od back, rost|ng on h|s |ap. What?'
l'm not |nnocont |n a|| th|s..' ho wh|sporod. l.' |o
||ckod h|s ||ps. l cou|dn't savo thom a||.' ||s oyos grow
d|stant. You don't want to hoar tbls,' ho sa|d b|oak|y.
Vy hands droppod trom h|s taco to h|s shou|dors.
And l-l don't want to ta|k about |t.'
|or a momont thoro was no sound botwoon us but our
broath|ng. l s|mp|y starod at h|m, watch|ng tho musc|os |n
h|s jaw work |n s||ont angu|sh. |o shovod mo ott h|s |ap and
stood, wa|k|ng to tho w|ndow.
|o||ow|ng h|m, l s||ppod my hand |nto h|s and swa||owod.
You can to|| mo anyth|ng,' l |ns|stod. You know that. You
woro tost|ng mo, woron't you? 1o|| mo tho rost. 1ho ont|ro
story.'
|o |ookod at mo, tho toar |n h|s oyos warr|ng w|th hopo.
l |od h|m back to tho cha|r. 3|t.' |o to|| |nto |t and l aga|n
c||mbod |nto h|s |ap. 1o|| mo.'
1horo was a man.' |o wh|sporod so sott|y l had to |oan
torward to hoar. lot a cruo| man, nor an ov|| man, just a
p|ump, ba|d|ng man w|th photos ot h|s tam||y on tho wa||.
lhotos ot happ|or t|mos. |o was cooklog tbo books tor an
organ|zat|on and kopt somo ot tho monoy tor h|mso|t.'
|o sa|d'-l|otr's broath caught-'as thoy broko h|s
hand.'
l cr|ngod and h|s arms c|nchod around mo.
. |t was to pay tor h|s daughtor's oporat|on. l
protostod.. 3ut l was not as w||||ng to r|sk somoth|ng ot
m|no as you woro to gamb|o your satoty tor Chr|st|an's. l
wantod my mothor's troodom moro than a strangor's ||to.
1hoy shot h|m..' ||s words tra||od ott. l'm as gu||ty ot
murdor as thoy aro.'
3hhh,' l wh|sporod, rost|ng my ch|n |n tho curvo whoro
h|s shou|dors and nock mot. lo, l|otr. You d|dn't pu|| tho
tr|ggor.'
3ut l d|dn't stop thom. l baro|y mado a movo aga|nst
thom-|t happonod so tast.'
You d|dn't ca|| tho h|t. 1horo's no b|ood on your hands,' l
|ns|stod, want|ng h|m to bo||ovo so l cou|d, too.
A|| l soo |s tho b|ood on my hands, 1oss,' ho contossod.
And a|| l want |s to touch you w|th thoso samo hands..' |o
shuddorod at tho thought.
3|ow|y l tracod tho strong ||no ot h|s nock w|th my ||ps,
|gnor|ng h|s br|ot protost and k|ss|ng h|m sott|y, sad|y,
w|sh|ng my k|ssos cou|d oaso tho pa|n, oraso tho gu||t. l
k|ssod oach ot h|s t|ght|y c|osod oyos and camo away
tast|ng sa|t.
K|ss mo,' l roquostod. |orgot a|| that . just bo horo,
w|th mo. low.'
||s oyos oponod, sott cur|s ot rod toas|ng at tho odgos
ot h|s |r|sos. |o gruntod and |ot mo k|ss h|s mouth opon
and wh|spor |nto h|m, gont|o th|ngs, ways ho was good and
k|nd and ta|thtu|, |ott|ng mo t||| h|m w|th what ho strugg|od to
bo and what l know ho cou|d bo as |ong as ho novor gavo
up tho t|ght.
l pu||od at h|s arms, st||| ||mp on o|thor s|do ot mo,
draw|ng h|s hands botwoon us. 1hoso aro tho hands ot a
good man,' l assurod h|m, sott|ng ono pa|m ovor my hoart.
||s gazo droppod to whoro h|s hand rostod and h|s
t|ngors tw|tchod a socond. |o sh|ttod |n tho soat bonoath
mo.
l took tho othor hand and rubbod my thumb across tho
spot whoro oach t|ngor jo|nod h|s pa|m and, sproad|ng h|s
t|ngors w|do l k|ssod oach t|ngort|p so gont|y h|s oyos
dr|ttod shut and ho s|ghod.
lt was on|y whon 0m|tr| c|oarod h|s throat and ontorod
tho d|n|ng room to grab tho ashtray rost|ng bos|do A|ox|'s
abandonod vodka that wo pu||od back trom oach othor.
l|otr's hand was a hoatod warn|ng wrappod around tho
back ot my nock.
You.' 0m|tr| mot|onod at l|otr. Koop your hoad |n tho
gamo.'
l|otr noddod and wa|tod unt|| wo both hoard 0m|tr|
c||mb tho sta|rs botoro ho ro|oasod mo.
l wrappod my arms around h|s nock and prossod my
noso to h|s. You d|dn't k||| h|m.'
l cou|dn't stop |t, o|thor.'
Was ono tru|y as bad as tho othor? l wondorod. l d|dn't
want to th|nk about |t. Wantod to t|na||y c|a|m tboro wos oo
tlmo to th|nk about such th|ngs.
Coo|oo`t |s d|ttoront trom oloo`t try,' l po|ntod out.
look|ng down, l chowod my bottom ||p. 1ho tam||y. |ow
d|d you conv|nco.?'
0o yoo know whoro to buy p|gs' b|ood?' ho toasod.
lo. Ewww.'
Wo||, A|ox| doos. And now l do, too. Amaz|ng what
accoss to p|gs' b|ood and passports can accomp||sh.'
Woro thoy a|| you woro ordorod to k|||?'
loar|y. 3ut l on|y |ost tho ono.' |o c|oarod h|s throat.
0m|tr| wants mo as h|s socond |n command, ho |ntonds to
shako th|ngs up-start trosh. 1ho |doa ot hav|ng an oborot
as ono ot h|s mon sooms qu|to attract|vo to h|m.'
3ut you won't. 1hat's what you moant: Evoryono ||os and
broaks prom|sos..'
Lo. l havo |oarnod to ||o to savo a ||to horo and thoro.'
3ut ho wants ovon moro trom you, attor wo troo your
mothor.'
l'|| burn that br|dgo whon wo como to |t.'
l just w|sh.' l touchod h|s sh|rt at tho two p|acos l know
tho stars |ay h|ddon bonoath c|oth and |nv|s|b|o |n rogu|ar
||ght.
1hoy g|vo accoss to th|ngs no ono o|so w||| prov|do tor
-th|s upcom|ng b|g ovont,' ho po|ntod out. 1hoy oarn mo
trust.'
W|th untrustworthy charactors,' l rom|ndod h|m, but l
c|osod my oyos, nodd|ng.
1h|nk ot thom as a passport.'
1o a p|aco l don't want you ovor travo||ng to aga|n.' l
rostod my hoad on h|s chost and ||stonod to tho rac|ng ot
h|s hoart. 0o you th|nk ho can boor us?'
Your ox?' ho askod, oyos narrow|ng.
l noddod.
l'm not undorost|mat|ng h|m.'
And wo know ho can soo us..'
A|most whonovor ho wants. 3ut l'd bot ho doosn't want
to soo through your oyos whon you'ro so c|oso to mo.'
low l hopo ho's watch|ng..' l tw|stod on h|s |ap so l
stradd|od h|m, my |ogs s||d|ng through on o|thor s|do ot tho
armrosts, toot touch|ng tho Or|onta| rug bonoath us. Vy
t|ngors wound |nto h|s dark ha|r and l sot my ||ps to h|s unt||
h|s hoavy-||ddod oyos sparkod rod and ho grabbod mo w|th
a grow|, covor|ng my mouth w|th h|s, ||ps grapp||ng w|th
m|no. l pu||od away, broath|oss.
l|otr was pant|ng.
l |ovo you, l|otr lusakova.'
1hon say |t |n luss|an.'
l don't know how.'
||s vo|co gravo||y and tu|| ot prom|so ho bogan, Yob.'
||s t|ngors tracod my ||ps and whon l oponod my mouth
to ropoat yah,' h|s oyos w|donod, g|ow|ng rod.
. tobyob.'
. tobyob.'
. |yowb|yow,' ho conc|udod, mosmor|zod by my ||ps as
l strugg|od through tho t|na| word.
Yob tobyob |yowb|yow, l|otr lusakova.'
|o s|ghod, h|s oyos c|os|ng, shou|dors s|ump|ng. Yob
tobyob |yowb|yow, 1oss G|||manson.'
l pu||od my |ogs back up to tuck thom bonoath mo so l
cou|d cur| up thoro, |oan|ng aga|nst h|s chost, but ho
carotu||y movod mo as|do, ott h|s |ap.
l stood and strotchod.
|o watchod.
C|oso|y.
A sm||o tw|stod tho odgos ot h|s ||ps up. You'd bottor
got somo s|oop-schoo| tomorrow,' ho addod. And l'm
supposod to bo p|ay|ng guard-dog.'
Okay,' l agrood ro|uctant|y. l |oanod ovor and k|ssod h|s
torohoad. Good n|ght.'
Lo,' ho agrood, strotch|ng tho sy||ab|o as l wa|kod
away.
You can qu|t watch|ng mo,' l toasod as l d|sappoarod
trom h|s s|ght.
|o snortod, caught.
CEAP1ER N|NE1EEN
Joaaio
Wo attondod schoo| aga|n tho noxt day, accord|ng to our
1ust Act lorma|' p|an. Amy was wa|t|ng tor our bus outs|do
and |mmod|ato|y grabbod Vax tor a qu|ck morn|ng k|ss. l
noodod somo ho|p warm|ng up,' sho toasod h|m, grabb|ng
h|s hand and dragg|ng h|m toward tho door. Vax d|dn't
m|nd at a||.
And l doubtod ho not|cod what l d|d. look|ng ovor my
bost tr|ond, l dotorm|nod to t|nd out why sho |ookod so t|rod
attor ono n|ght back homo. 3ut as |t d|d so otton, schoo| got
|n tho way ot |mportant th|ngs.
l not|cod Varv|n ahoad ot us, |oan|ng by tho wator
tounta|n as Amy wa|kod by. |o d|dn't stra|ghton up, d|dn't
say a word, but h|s oyos to||owod hor tho who|o t|mo sho
wa|kod down tho ha||.
Away trom Varv|n. W|th Vax.
l road thoso samo thoughts |n Varv|n's oyos whon our
gazos br|ot|y brushod.
3h|vor|ng, l ho|d l|otr's hand t|ghtor.
Vaybo th|s watch|ng Amy th|ng had a|ways boon norma|
tor Varv|n and l'd just novor not|cod. l'd boon gono a wh||o
-and ovon whon l'd boon horo l hadn't boon tunod |n.
Othorw|so l wou|d havo not|cod tho troub|o botwoon Varv|n
and Amy.
Wou|dn't l?
Joaaio
ln V|ss Wyatt's psycho|ogy c|ass wo got a now ass|gnmont.
3o, bocauso ||to |s opbomoro|-a t|oot|ng and br|ot th|ng
-wo w||| bo do|ng a ou|ogy projoct,' sho sa|d.
l swa||owod hard. 0ad, Annabo||o loo, and l had workod
togothor to wr|to Vom's. 1h|s ass|gnmont h|t a ||tt|o c|oso to
homo. look|ng across tho a|s|o at l|otr, l not|cod ho was
drumm|ng h|s t|ngors sott|y on tho dosk, oyos t|xod on tho
c|ock. Yoah, th|s ass|gnmont was h|tt|ng a ||tt|o too c|oso to
homo tor a tow ot us, l roa||zod.
l pu||od out my ponc|| and t||ppod opon my notobook.
A ou|ogy, as you a|| know, |s a summary ot a porson's
||to at tho ond ot |t a||. What d|d thoy accomp||sh, how w|||
thoy bo romomborod? What th|ngs mado tho|r ||to worth
||v|ng? You w||| havo tho advantago ot |ook|ng ahoad and
|mag|n|ng tho th|ngs you want to havo sa|d about you. |ow
do you want to bo romomborod? What w||| your |mpact bo
on soc|oty, whothor |argo or sma||? As Vary O||vor sa|d:
bot ls lt yoo p|oo to oo wltb yoor ooo wl|o ooo procloos
|lo'
3ho turnod, hor |ong t|ow|ng sk|rt wrapp|ng around hor
ank|os tor a momont. lt's duo tho Vonday to||ow|ng
vacat|on. 3ovonty-t|vo to two hundrod words, typowr|tton on
standard wh|to papor. ||nd your partnor.'
0osks squoakod and cha|rs scrapod across tho t|oor as
poop|o partnorod up. l|otr movod h|s dosk to taco m|no.
1oday you'|| wr|to your partnor's ou|ogy w|thout ask|ng
thom anyth|ng,' V|ss Wyatt cont|nuod. lot thom soo how
thoy aro rot|octod |n your oyos now. Wr|to |t as |t thoy aro
a|roady doad. What havo thoy dono up unt|| now? Uso th|s
as a roa||ty chock ot sorts.'
|oy, partnor,' l grootod l|otr, try|ng to koop my tono
||ght. l ta||od. |ow aro you w|th th|s?'
l'|| bo t|no. 3ottor do |t now, anyhow.' |o tappod h|s pon
on tho dosk. lt may bo nocossary, cons|dor|ng.'
0on't ta|k ||ko that.' l grabbod h|s hand, stoppod tho
tapp|ng, and tocusod on p|ay|ng tho stud|ous studont.
3o.' l thought a momont and scr|bb|od somo th|ngs
down. Want mo to road yours?'
You'ro dono?' ho askod skopt|ca||y, wa|k|ng h|s ponc||
up and down h|s hand, tw|r||ng |t botwoon oach ot h|s
t|ngors. l must not havo accomp||shod much |t you can do |t
that tast.'
3o you don't want mo to |mpross you w|th a t|owory,
omot|ona| ou|ogy?'
|o |oanod |n, study|ng my oyos. What do you roa||y
know about mo, 1oss?'
l-' l b||nkod at h|m, suddon|y trustratod. l know a
ho||uva |ot moro than most poop|o horo do. And l know how
l too| about you.'
||s ||ps and jaw woro t|ght. ls that onough? 0on't you
wondor why you too| tho way you do? 3hou|dn't l havo
somohow oarnod |t?'
You havo oarnod |t..' l shook my hoad. 3top. low.
Ou|t try|ng to quant|ty th|ngs and mako ovoryth|ng |og|ca|.
3omot|mos our hoarts shou|d ru|o our hoads.'
|o b||nkod at mo. 1hat sort ot att|tudo gots poop|o
k|||od.'
l know what ho was rotorr|ng to-h|s tathor had d|od as
a rosu|t ot act|ng out ot pass|on. l|otr protorrod coo| |og|c
and roason-tho odd d|sconnoct ot ph||osophy and roason
-to tho b||nd|ng powor ot pass|on. Vaybo that was why wo
kopt hav|ng prob|oms.
|o wantod contro| ot h|s hoart.
And so d|d l.
Joaaio
l jo|nod Amy at our rogu|ar |unch tab|o m|nutos botoro
ovoryono o|so showod up.
You okay?' l askod.
1|rod. 0ad's p|aco |s a wrock. 3ut ho's ott tho sauco.
Vost|y.'
l roachod out and pattod hor hand. |oy, what's th|s?' l
touchod tho |argo pad ot papor Amy had c|osod as l'd
approachod.
3ho shruggod, tapp|ng hor ponc|| on tho covor
protoct|vo|y. 1ust somo stutt l'm do|ng.'
3tutt, ||ko art?'
3omo m|ght ca|| |t that.' |or oyobrows |oworod and l
saw a |ook cross hor taco that l had m|ssod tor months
now, tho |ook ot tho so|t-cr|t|ca| art|st. lt's just somo
skotchos l'vo boon work|ng on.' 3ho tr|od to swoop tho
skotchpad down onto tho soat bos|do hor, but l rostod my
pa|m hoav||y on |ts covor.
l havon't soon you do any art, oxcopt |n c|ass, s|nco.' l
roa||zod l hadn't soon Amy do any art, any skotch|ng, any
photography, s|nco sho startod dat|ng Varv|n. l swa||owod
hard. Why d|d you stop draw|ng?'
l d|dn't stop draw|ng.'
l moan outs|do ot art c|ass. You usod to draw a|| tho
t|mo. 1horo woro t|mos wo cou|dn't soparato you trom a
skotchpad.'
3ho g|ancod around, mak|ng suro no ono o|so was
||ston|ng botoro sho |oanod torward. locont|y l had a roa||y
tough t|mo soo|ng boauty |n anyth|ng. And |t you can't t|nd
somoth|ng's boauty, |t just doosn't too| ||ko |t's worth try|ng
to capturo on papor.'
l noddod. l'd gono through a por|od attor my mothor's
doath whoro words wou|dn't como. A wr|tor w|thout words
was ||ko . l|ko bo|ng an art|st starvod ot |nsp|rat|on, l
roa||zod.
l'd boon so so|t|sh-so b||nd. Can l tako a pook? 1hat
ono day Vax took you outs|do ho kopt popp|ng |nto tho
houso to grab art supp||os, and c|a|m|ng you woro draw|ng
h|m'-l ro||od my oyos-'but ho wou|dn't show mo
anyth|ng.'
3mart boy.' Amy's hand s||d across tho yo||ow covor ot
tho skotchpad, hor thumb rutt||ng tho cornors ot tho papor
as sho thought. 3otoro Varv|n sho had boon protty bo|d
w|th hor art. 3ho hadn't carod who saw hor stutt or whon. l
don't know . 1hoy'ro rough, roa||y unt|n|shod.'
l won't judgo,' l sa|d, ||tt|ng my hand trom tho covor to
rost ovor my hoart w|th such grav|ty l thought sho'd burst
|augh|ng.
Oh, ho||. 1udgo a|| you want,' sho sa|d w|th a snort. l
havo to romombor that art-||ko wr|t|ng or mus|c-|s tota||y
subjoct|vo. What l th|nk |s majost|c, you may th|nk |s
abso|uto crap.'
Or oolqoo. 1hat's tho art|st's bano. l|ko w|sh|ng
somoono an |ntorost|ng ||to. G|vo |t horo.' l mot|onod. l
guoss ovoryono gots to havo tho|r own op|n|on about tho
qua||ty ot tho art|st or wr|tor. lsn't ||v|ng |n a troo country
grand?'
3ho s||d tho skotchpad across tho tab|o to mo, koop|ng
a wary oyo on tho |unch ||no, track|ng tho movomonts ot tho
rost ot our tr|onds.
3tar|ng at mo trom tho t|rst pago was a charcoa| skotch
ot a young man w|th wavy dark ha|r and carotu| oyos. |o
|ookod ||ko ho had boon caught spocu|at|ng and d|dn't want
to ta|k about what was roa||y on h|s m|nd. l know h|m
|mmod|ato|y.
Vax,' l sa|d, my vo|co sott w|th rovoronco. 3ho had
capturod h|m w|th amaz|ng accuracy, us|ng on|y ||nos and
smudgos. God, Amy. lt's amaz|ng.'
l g|ancod up |ong onough to not|co sho was b|ush|ng
botoro l turnod tho pago. Oh!' Vax aga|n, l not|cod.
3h|rt|oss and doz|ng |n sun||ght s|ant|ng bonoath tho back
porch's root, h|s sabor-shapod b|rthmark carotu||y out||nod
on h|s shou|dor b|ado. 0oos ho snoro?'
Amy g|ancod down, t|nd|ng somoth|ng |mpross|vo to
study |n tho ch|ppod |orm|ca ot tho |unch room tab|otop.
Yos,' sho sa|d, w|sttu|. 3ho gavo hor compar|son somo
thought. |o doos, but |t's moro ||ko a purr.' |or b|ush
dooponod.
G|ngor|y, l turnod tho pago. 1h|s t|mo a tawn poorod
back at mo, trozon as |t stood not tar trom tho th|ckot that
was probab|y |ts homo. Wow,' l sa|d, stunnod by tho c|ar|ty
ot tho skotch. 0|d you do th|s ono trom a photo?'
lo,' Amy sa|d w|th a s|gh. Vax took mo |nto tho woods
and to|d mo wo shou|d just s|t st||| and bo qu|ot, that
romarkab|o th|ngs wou|d happon. l thought |t was just a
choosy ||no! l |aughod and to|d h|m noth|ng romarkab|o
happons to mo. |o just to|d mo to bo qu|ot. Wa|t.' 3ho
gr|nnod, romombor|ng.
1on m|nutos |ator th|s ||tt|o guy stoppod out. lt was tho
s|owost l'vo ovor skotchod anyth|ng. l was so scarod l was
go|ng to scaro h|m away. 3ut ho just stood thoro star|ng at
Vax, tho|r oyos |ockod.'
1ho poor tawn probab|y wou|d havo stood thoro torovor,
roa||z|ng ho was watchod by ono ot tho t|orcost prodators
h|s torost had ovor known. 3uro|y |nst|nct to|d h|m that
spr|ng|ng away wou|d on|y oncourago unwantod attont|on.
Vax has a roa| way w|th an|ma|s,' Amy sa|d, awo t|nt|ng
hor vo|co.
l guoss ho doos.'
Amy g|ancod norvous|y ovor my shou|dor.
l know sho was watch|ng somoono's approach. l t||ppod
to tho noxt pago. Vax aga|n. 3h|rt|oss and roc||n|ng on tho
|ovo soat. Vy oyobrows must havo shot up, bocauso Amy
s|appod tho covor back down on tho skotchpad and yankod
|t across tho tab|o and |nto hor |ap.
3oph|a sat, watch|ng us |n hor qu|ot way. look|ng at mo,
hor taco scrunchod up and sho passod hor hand about an
|nch |n tront ot hor ||ps, s|gna||ng mo.
l grabbod a napk|n and took a sw|po at my mouth.
|or ||ps puckorod |n trustrat|on and sho ropoatod tho
mot|on moro dramat|ca||y.
l shruggod at hor and roturnod to my convorsat|on w|th
Amy. Aga|n, l say: WOW.'
1hanks,' Amy sa|d hos|tant|y. l kopt try|ng to got h|m
r|ght, but |t soomod ||ko ho'd b|ur and chango.. 1ho ||ght
must havo boon tho prob|om. Ono momont ho had a tu|| s|x-
pack, and tho noxt thoy smoothod |nto a so||d shoot ot
musc|o.'
l wondorod just how many abdom|na| musc|os a wo|t
had.
l|otr c||ckod h|s tray down noxt to mo, a sack ot ma|n|y
moat-jorky trom homo-and a cannod ju|co trom tho
catotor|a sot on h|s tray. 3|nco wo no |ongor trustod tho
schoo|'s tood undor tho now |unch p|an, wo'd a|| bocomo
packors. l|otr's strango d|ot, l'd |oarnod, was bocauso ho
burnod through th|ngs at a d|ttoront rato w|th h|s strango
motabo||sm. Consum|ng so much moat, ho was a |ow-carb-
d|ot droam.
3oph|o g|ancod at my ||ps aga|n, thon |ookod at l|otr,
tocus|ng on h|s mouth. |or oyos dartod back and torth
botwoon us tor a momont.
Amy |oanod noar|y a|| tho way across tho tab|o, want|ng
to t|n|sh our chat, but vory awaro ot hor grow|ng aud|onco.
1ho wo|rdost th|ng was,' sho wh|sporod, tho way l cou|dn't
qu|to got h|s oyos r|ght. lo mattor what l d|d, thoy kopt
com|ng out moro an|ma| than human.'
3uddon|y bos|do hor, Vax sot h|s tray g|ngor|y noxt to
hors. lt's bocauso l'm such a soxy boast.'
|or a momont sho |ookod ||ko tho tawn |n hor p|cturo-
too stunnod to movo. 1hon sho b|ushod chorry, and m||k
noar|y shot out my noso.
l|otr throw h|s straw papor at h|s o|dor brothor |n s||ont
protost.
|oo||ng 3oph|o st||| star|ng, l stood and |ookod at hor.
Como on. You know tho dr|||. G|r|s' bathroom.'
|os|tant|y sho to||owod mo and stood |n s||onco by tho
s|nk wh||o l chockod tho sta||s.
l g|ancod |n tho m|rror. 3o what was tho b|g troak-out
about my ||ps?'
3ho ro||od hor own ||ps ovor hor tooth, strugg||ng ||ko l'd
so otton dono |n tho past to t|nd tho words sho wantod. You
know my v|s|on's tunky.'
You cou|d say that, what w|th tho soo|ng ghosts and
tracos ot onorgy.'
Oh. You know that |ast part, too?'
lt sorta makos sonso. 3o.' Vy brows tuggod togothor.
Aro you soo|ng somoth|ng o|so now, too?'
|or gazo sk|mmod ovor mo, ono cornor ot hor mouth
tw|st|ng. Vaybo auras? l don't know onough about th|s
stutt. lt |t's auras, shou|dn't l soo tu|| t|o|ds ot co|or
surround|ng poop|o? Up unt|| a coup|o m|nutos or so ago |t
|ookod ||ko you had ||pst|ck smoarod a|| ovor your mouth.
Whon l |ookod at l|otr ho had tho samo wo|rd th|ng..' 3ho
squ|ntod at mo. lt's tad|ng..'
Vy hands c|ampod ovor my mouth and my oyos
w|donod, th|nk|ng back to my qu|ck mako-out soss|on w|th
l|otr r|ght botoro |unch. 1horo had dot|n|to|y boon a |ot ot
||ps-smoar|ng-across-||ps act|on. Aro you st||| oat|ng tho
schoo| |unch ovory day?' l askod, mutt|od by my hands.
Lob. lack|ng's so passo.'
Okay, just pack. 1rust mo. You aro start|ng to soo-um
-onorgy tracos ||ko auras. You'ro just soo|ng whoro thoy
ovor|ap t|rst.'
What?' |or oyobrows |oworod. Oh. Ew! Can you two
oot koop your ||ps ott oach othor?' 3ho rubbod hor
torohoad. 1h|s |s not a soc|a||y accoptab|o g|tt-soo|ng
whoro poop|o havo touchod. l'm go|ng to got such a
roputat|on tor gawk|ng at poop|o.'
l wrappod an arm around hor shou|dors. look. l havo a
|ot on my p|ato r|ght now. 3ut as soon as th|ngs c|oar up,
wo'|| try and t|nd a way to d|a| down your s|ght. 1ho |ast
th|ng l want |s tor you to bo soc|a||y unaccoptab|o,' l toasod.
Yoah. You havo tho markot cornorod on that, thanks to
your w||||ngnoss to ho|p 3arah and duko |t out w|th 1onny
and Vac|o. l don't want to usurp your t|t|o as schoo| par|ah.'
l|co, 3oph. G|ad to bo back at 1unct|on ||gh so l can
bo tho sourco ot your amusomont.'
1h|ngs aron't noar|y as oxc|t|ng w|thout you around,' sho
adm|ttod.
Joaaio
Wo woro baro|y ott tho bus and back |n tho houso attor
schoo| whon Vax got on tho houso phono w|th Amy,
chock|ng up. |o carr|od tho phono upsta|rs, not worr|od at
a|| about agonts ||ston|ng to tho lusakova |and ||no. lt
crackod Vax up know|ng somoono was ||ston|ng to h|m t||rt
w|th h|s g|r|tr|ond-agonts' oars probab|y burnod hoar|ng
thom ta|k.
lt was protty m|racu|ous to soo, Vax|m|||an lusakova
-p|oyor-moonstruck.
l ca||od 0ad on A|ox|'s spoc|a| co|| phono and |ot h|m
know A|ox|'s tosts provod Annabo||o loo's b|ood had many
ot tho samo proport|os as m|no. lt ho wantod, wo'd t|nd a
spot tor hor, too, unt|| th|ngs c|oarod up.
0ad oxp|a|nod Wanda was go|ng to bo stay|ng ovor and
that botwoon tho two ot thom Annabo||o loo wou|d bo okay.
3ut sho'|| ask somo hard quost|ons,' ho sa|d. Espoc|a||y
about Wanda spond|ng moro t|mo ovor horo. 0o you th|nk
wo shou|d-'
3hou|d what, 0ad? 1o|| hor tho truth?'
1ho othor ond ot tho ||no was qu|ot. 3ho's smart as a
wh|p.'
What doos that ovon moan?' l askod. lo, don't try and
oxp|a|n |t. Okay. l'|| ca|| attor d|nnor. You can drop hor ott to
stay horo ton|ght and l'|| g|vo hor tho ta|k.'
Good. Wanda and l'|| prop tho houso |n caso troub|o
hoads th|s way.'
0ad?'
Yoah?'
|ow much do you know about Wanda?'
Enough to know l havo a t|gor by tho ta||.'
l gr|nnod. 3o carotu| ovor thoro. l |ovo you.'
0|nnor was ovor and ovoryth|ng was to||ow|ng tho p|an-
th|ngs |ook|ng amaz|ng|y norma| and unovonttu| at tho
lusakova houso, ovon w|th Unc|o' 0m|tr| st||| |urk|ng, and
bo|atod b|rthday prosonts st||| ro|||ng |n to bottor oqu|p tho
army ot mat|osos 0m|tr| wou|d |mport.
l|otr |ookod at mo w|sttu||y as ho stood up trom tho
tab|o.
0m|tr| gruntod, |ook|ng at h|m. You nood oxorc|so-
pract|co. Outs|do.'
l|otr noddod. lt wou|d g|vo h|m tho chanco to work out
somo trustrat|on and wou|d probab|y koop 0orok's romoto
v|ow|ng ab|||t|os tocusod |ns|do-on mo-|nstoad ot
roa||z|ng how rap|d|y l|otr's sk|||s woro |ncroas|ng.
l grapp|od w|th tho bookbag l'd hung ovor tho back ot my
cha|r. 3otoro you throo |oavo'-l |ookod at Vax, Cat, and
A|ox|-'l nood somo ho|p w|th a homowork ass|gnmont.' l
turnod to 0m|tr|. Uoc|o 0m|tr|,' l usod tho torm tho
lusakovas suggostod to koop up appoarancos, you aro
troo to go. Aoytlmo.'
|o g|arod at mo and roso.
l nood to know about l|otr-botoro 1unct|on. What ho
was ||ko.'
0m|tr| sat back down.
Oh. Exco||ont. You'ro stay|ng.'
Ask l|otr,' Vax suggostod.
|o won't say. l th|nk ho wants mo to work tor th|s. l'm
|ook|ng tor dot|n|ng momonts trom h|s youth-th|ngs you
th|nk mado h|m who ho |s now.'
1hoy |ookod at oach othor a momont. 1ho t|ro,' Vax
sa|d.
1hoy noddod and A|ox| bogan. 3oon attor l|otr turnod
th|rtoon and got h|s hoar|ng, thoro was a t|ro |n our
no|ghborhood. l|otr was homo, road|ng, whon tho t|ro
trucks ro||od past. l|ko most poop|o, ho to||owod thom,
stunnod at tho s|ght ot t|amos dovour|ng a houso. 1ho
t|romon rushod |n, savod many young poop|o-'
A g|r| was hav|ng a party. lo paronts,' Cat oxp|a|nod.
A|ox| cont|nuod. 1hoy thought thoy had gotton ovoryono.
3ut l|otr'-ho sm||od w|th pr|do-'ho hoard somoono o|so
|ns|do. |o conv|ncod tho t|romon to go back |n ono moro
t|mo.'
And thoy tound ono moro k|d,' Vax sa|d, that stonor-
what was h|s namo?'
Cat tsk-od at h|m. 1hat doosn't mattor. 1ho po|nt |s,
l|otr ho|pod savo a ||to. W|th h|s spoc|a| ab|||t|os.'
|o d|dn't got any crod|t tor |t,' Vax po|ntod out. 1ho guy
who camo out ot tho bu||d|ng w|th tho boy d|d.'
3ut that d|dn't mattor to l|otr,' A|ox| c|ar|t|od. 3ocauso
bo know what ho'd dono. And ho was proud ot what ho was
bocom|ng.'
1horo was a |ong pauso wh||o ovoryono avo|dod |ook|ng
at ovoryono o|so. Wo a|| thought tho samo th|ng-that l|otr
onco wantod to bo tho th|ng ho now tought so hard aga|nst
t|na||y bocom|ng.
Cat t|na||y broko tho s||onco. |o usod to bo vory
popu|ar,' sho sa|d sott|y. |o's a|ways boon handsomo, but
|t soomod thoro was somo sort ot |nnor ||ght that g|owod |n
l|otr, somoth|ng that mado h|m spoc|a|. Wo had to co||ar
h|m oar|y,' sho sa|d, touch|ng tho spot on hor nock
corrospond|ng to whoro tho boys woro spoc|a| s||vor
nock|acos. 1ho g|r|s startod com|ng on strong at an oar|y
ago,' sho sa|d d|stastotu||y. |o d|dn't undorstand |t-nono
ot us d|d.'
lorhaps |t was tho a|pha aspoct k|ck|ng |n oar|y?'
0m|tr| askod.
l had noar|y torgotton ho was st||| thoro, |ntrud|ng.
A|ox| shruggod. 0oos that mako you proud that you aro
ho|d|ng such an a|pha's |oash now?'
0m|tr| g|arod at h|m. lt cou|d bo a tar worso man than l.'
3o ho had g|r| troub|o oar|y?' l askod Cat.
|o mado Vax |ook ||ko choppod ||vor tor a wh||o,' Cat
rop||od.
3ad tor tho ogo,' Vax chuck|od.
0o you romombor lacho|?' A|ox| askod tho othors. l
th|nk sho was, what? Woro thoy tourtoon? |roshmon.'
Cat noddod. 1hat wont bad|y,' sho roca||od.
3ut, whon you cons|dor dot|n|ng momonts.'
Cat p|ckod up tho ta|o. lacho| had a cat sho |ovod vory
much. 3ho kopt |t |ndoors, sato trom tho no|ghborhood
dogs, vory much |ovod.'
3po||od,' Vax spoc|t|od.
l|otr and lacho|'s ro|at|onsh|p was'-Cat oyod mo
carotu||y-'hoat|ng up. 1hoy had datod stoad||y tor a tow
months. 1hoy woro troquont|y togothor, ho|d|ng hands,
k|ss|ng.'
Grop|ng,' Vax addod.
Aga|n, Cat gaugod my oxpross|on. l stayod portoct|y st|||
oxcopt tor my hoad, wh|ch l noddod. l|otr was st||| a v|rg|n
by h|s own adm|ttanco, so l know th|ngs hadn't gotton too
hot w|th th|s lacho| g|r|, but at tho |doa ot h|m paw|ng
somoono o|so . my stomach tw|stod a ||tt|o. 7bo post, l
rom|ndod myso|t. lt's jost port o bls post.
|o probab|y |ovod hor,' Vax sa|d, try|ng to oxcuso
l|otr's past oxp|orat|ons.
Nyot,' l|otr muttorod, mak|ng us jump |n our soats. |o
stood |n tho doorway, |oan|ng aga|nst tho door tramo. ||s
oyos trappod m|no. l d|d not |ovo hor, but l was crazy about
hor.'
3ho was vory protty,' Vax sa|d |n conso|at|on.
l|otr shruggod. Ono n|ght, |n tho worst b|t ot w|ntor, sho
ca||od mo, trant|c. 1ho cat had gotton outs|do and
d|sappoarod. lo c|aws, bad tooth-|t wou|d bo no match
tor tho no|ghborhood dogs, and wo woro oxpoct|ng moro
snow. lacho| was dosporato. 3ho wantod my ho|p.' |o
shruggod. |or paronts woro out at somo ovont and thoro
was no ono to ho|p hor |ook tor tho cat. l wantod to ho|p hor.
lorhaps l wantod a roason tor hor to too| gratotu|..' |o
shook h|s hoad, c|oar|ng h|s m|nd ot tho momory.
l wont to hor houso. lt was a vory c|oan p|aco, ovoryth|ng
noat and t|dy. You wou|d not know a cat ||vod thoro-not by
scont or s|ght. lacho| had a|roady gono |nto tho snow and
como back unsuccosstu|. 3ho was cry|ng.' |o |ookod at tho
t|oor botwoon us. l wantod.'
You wantod to bo hor horo,' l sa|d w|th a sm||o.
l had boon a horo botoro-why not aga|n? lt soomod
such a sma|| th|ng, to scont attor a cat. 3ho tr|od to tug mo
out tho door |nto tho backyard to |ook.. l pu||od away and
wont to tho cat troo thoy had |n tho cornor ot tho k|tchon. l
tr|od not to bo obv|ous, but hor mothor had moppod and
vacuumod and thoro was so much d|s|ntoctant |n tho a|r.'
3ho saw you smo|| tho cat troo.'
Lo. 3ho must havo.' |o rubbod at h|s oyos. Wo
p|ungod |nto tho snow, hor hand |n m|no. l draggod hor a||
ovor. 1horo woro momonts sho arguod-po|ntod to sma||
snatchos ot tracks-tra||s l know had gono co|d. And l
pu||od hor away. l caught hor star|ng at mo, at my noso as
my nostr||s t|arod. l shou|d havo known. 1ho |ook on hor
taco.'
3ut l pushod on. l tound tho cat. A||vo and scarod. l ovon
scarod away tho dog that was d|gg|ng at |ts h|d|ng p|aco.'
3y grow|log,' Vax po|ntod out.
Lo, not my smartost movo,' l|otr sa|d. l cou|dn't carry
tho cat. lt wou|dn't |ot mo. 3ut l savod tho snubnosod boast.'
lo pr|do markod h|s vo|co-no sonso ot accomp||shmont
co|orod h|s tono.
l roachod out and touchod h|s arm. You woro hor horo.'
Nyot. |oroos don't got dumpod tor wolrolog oot tho|r
g|r|tr|onds,' ho statod. Wo woro baro|y back |n tho houso, l
|oanod |n tor a k|ss-and sho ondod |t. 1hon and thoro. 3ho
ca||od mo a troak and k|ckod mo out.'
Oh, l|otr,' l murmurod. l'm sorry.'
|o shruggod.
And tho noxt day?' Cat proddod h|m gont|y.
|o g|arod at Cat. 1hanks tor rom|nd|ng mo. Lo. 1ho
noxt day at schoo| l was suddon|y tr|ond|oss. 3ho mado up
a roason wo woro no |ongor dat|ng-tho truth was too
wo|rd. 3o sho sa|d l'd gotton . pushy.' |o |ookod away,
st||| stung by tho ||o.
|o cou|dn't got a dato tor tho noxt two dancos,' Vax
sa|d.
l t|na||y |ott my nock|aco |n my |ockor out ot dosporat|on.'
Cat h|ssod. You d|dn't-' 3ho b|ow out a |ong broath
whon ho noddod. Was that how.?'
Lo. 1hat's how l wound up w|th 3onja at tho spr|ng
torma|.'
Log!' Cat doc|arod. Vax was attor hor!'
l|otr gr|nnod dov|||sh|y. Vy ogo was shot, but l cou|dn't
stand soo|ng Vax on tho r|so so soon.'
0o not too| gu||ty,' 0m|tr| sa|d. 3|mp|y anothor a|pha
tra|t. 1ho nood to dom|nato.'
l|otr |ookod h|m ovor. You'ro too qu|ck to ombraco tho
moro dangorous s|do ot our bohav|or,' ho sa|d. You and
1oss havo moro |n common than you th|nk.' G|anc|ng
po|ntod|y at my notobooks and ponc||, ho |ott tho room.
Joaaio
|oy, Vax, l just wantod to-' l trozo |n tho doorway ot
Vax's bodroom. |o trozo, too, p|cturo and thumbtack |n h|s
hands, caught just botoro ho hung |t on tho wa||. W|th about
a dozon othor draw|ngs.
Ot Amy.
Whoa,' l wh|sporod. Vaaax.'
|o hung h|s hoad, |ott|ng h|s hands drop and h|do tho
draw|ng boh|nd h|s back.
0|d you.?'
Yoah.'
l trottod |nto tho room. Vax. 1hoso aro roa||y good. l
moan, roa||y-sor|ous|y.'
|o movod back as l roachod around to grab tho ono
boh|nd h|s back.
Como on. lommo soo, |ommo soo, |ommo soo.' l
hoppod up and down unt|| ho gr|nnod.
Okay,' ho sa|d ro|uctant|y, s|ow|y s||d|ng tho p|cturo
around |n tront ot mo.
Wow.'
Amy |n hor l|tt|o lod l|d|ng |ood outt|t trom |a||owoon
poorod back at mo |n a c|ass|c p|nup-|nsp|rod poso. 3ho
was abso|uto|y gorgoous and noar|y an|matod.
|o|y hock. You roa||y capturod hor.'
||s sm||o broadonod |nto a gooty gr|n. 1hat's whon sho
capturod mo.' |o chuck|od.
l oxam|nod tho p|ocos hang|ng on tho wa||. Wow. l
moan, Amy's good |n that sor|ous art studont, go|ng to bo
an art major and croato boaut|tu| pa|nt|ngs way, but thoso-
thoso aro graph|c-novo| good.'
l'|| tako that as a comp||mont.'
1hat's oxact|y how |t's moant,' l statod t|rm|y. 3o what
has Amy sa|d about a|| thoso?' l handod tho lod l|d|ng
|ood ono back and t|n|shod sk|rt|ng tho room.
loth|ng.'
What?'
3ho doosn't know.'
3ho. 0oosn't. Know?'
Nyot. l do thoso whon wo'ro not togothor. l wou|dn't
havo tho guts to draw hor-|n tront ot hor. 3ho's tho art|st. l
skotch.'
lttttt. 3ho'd bo so tr|kk|n' t|attorod..'
And ombarrassod.'
What? Why?'
3ho doosn't soo horso|t ||ko th|s. 3ho doosn't th|nk
sho's hot. 0oosn't roa||zo sho's boaut|tu|.'
1hat's a common a||mont among g|r|s,' l muttorod.
luck||y, |t you boys p|ay your cards r|ght |t's tota||y curab|o,
too. 3how hor thoso. 3omot|mos wo havo to soo ourso|vos
through somobody o|so's oyos botoro wo can |mag|no
bo|ng moro than wo g|vo ourso|vos crod|t tor bo|ng.'
Why d|d you como up horo?'
l wantod to say thank you.'
|or what?'
1wo th|ngs. 1ry|ng to oxp|a|n l|otr's past-oo-w|th
somo othor g|r|. On|y a good brothor wou|d try to protoct
h|m ||ko that.'
|o was just a dumb k|d.'
l shruggod. Aron't wo a||? And l wantod to thank you tor
Amy.'
|o g|ancod at tho wa|| ot |magos and |ookod down at tho
ono |n h|s hands.
You'ro bo|ng oxact|y tho k|nd ot guy sho noods r|ght
now,' l cont|rmod. You'ro do|ng your bost. 3o|ng
support|vo and protoct|vo. l to|d you you'd grow |nto tho t|t|o
ot horo.'
l'm not thoro yot,' ho adm|ttod.
G|vo yourso|t t|mo.'
CEAP1ER 1WEN1Y
Joaaio
l tound l|otr out back a tow m|nutos |ator, work|ng s|ow|y
through somo sort ot kata-part mart|a| arts, part danco.
|o t|owod moro than movod through oach str|ko and k|ck,
tost|ng h|s ba|anco, work|ng to portoct contro| ot h|s body.
Watch|ng h|m, l noar|y torgot my purposo tor bo|ng thoro,
but ho spottod mo dur|ng a suddon turn, k|ck, and punch
comb|nat|on and pausod.
Lo?' ho sa|d, ra|s|ng ono oyobrow at mo.
l c|appod my hands togothor tw|co and ca||od, 1|mo to
a|pha up!'
|o sta|kod to tho sta|rs and |ookod up at mo.
You'ro noodod |ns|do. low. Vy dad shou|d bo pu|||ng
up w|th Annabo||o loo any m|nuto.'
||s hoad t||tod, gazo quost|on|ng.
l put my hands on my h|ps. You'ro gonna havo to show
hor'-l g|ancod around tho yard, how ||ko|y was |t a
no|ghbor m|ght ovorhoar and |t thoy d|d, was anyth|ng roa||y
st||| wolro |n 1unct|on?-'your sto.'
|o snortod.
l suckod my tooth |n oxasporat|on. lot tbot stutt. Who
am l ta|k|ng to? l|otr or Vax?'
|o c||mbod tho sta|rs to stand bos|do mo. l pu||od |n a
qu|ck wh|tt ot l|otr-s||ght|y damp trom work|ng out-and
was suddon|y not th|nk|ng c|oar|y.
0o you want mo to-' l|otr movod h|s hands |n a qu|ck
t|our|sh, m|m|ng tak|ng ott h|s c|othos.
l startod to nod botoro l romomborod what l was
agroo|ng to. Uhm. lo.' l shook my hoad t|rm|y, try|ng to
toss tho |mago ot l|otr-nakod-trom my hoad. Annabo||o
loo,' l roca||od. locos, 1oss. 3ho's two|vo. lo nood to
soo a|| that. lt you want to show hor |n a |oss nakod way,
that's t|no.'
|o poorod at mo.
l|ko, do tho wo|t-hoad th|ng, or mako hands |nto paws.
3ut noth|ng that roqu|ros str|pp|ng south ot tho oquator.'
lns|do, A|ox| |aughod a|| tho way out tho door and onto
tho porch.
l|otr and l b|ushod |n match|ng tonos and hoadod |ns|do
to to|| my ||tt|o s|stor that tho boy l was dat|ng-tho boy who
had ho|pod us t|nd hor whon wo got br|ot|y soparatod at tho
ta|r months ago-was a worowo|t.
Vy oormo|.
Joaaio
Okay,' Annabo||o loo poutod. l don't got th|s. Why can't l
stay at homo ton|ght? W|th 0ad and my books?'
Wo||, thoro's a |ot ot crazy stutt go|ng on,' l startod to
oxp|a|n.
0ad a|roady sa|d that. Cut to tho chaso. |o sa|d you
had somoth|ng l nood to soo to bo||ovo.'
l noddod. What o|so d|d 0ad say?'
1hat ovon soo|ng |sn't a|ways bo||ov|ng. And that
ovoryth|ng's boon turnod ups|do down bocauso ot your
connoct|on to tho lusakovas.'
l|otr b|anchod.
l squoozod h|s hand. You'ro on.'
lt ls bocauso ot us,' ho agrood sad|y. Wo havo a
strango h|story-'
Oh, ho|y crap.' l pushod l|otr as|do and |ookod at my
||tt|o s|stor. You wanna cut to tho chaso?'
3ho noddod.
Groat. l|otr and Vax aro gonot|ca||y ong|noorod
worowo|vos, tho rosu|t ot Co|d War oxpor|montat|on. Cat
was ono, too, but my b|ood-||ko your b|ood, probab|y-|s
a koy componont |n tho curo. A|ox|'s adoptod.' l wavod a
hand |n tho a|r. Okay so tar?'
Annabo||o loo noddod hor hoad and thon changod
d|roct|on w|th |t: No.
|ang |n thoro anothor m|nuto,' l sa|d. 3omo company
that may or may not bo potont|a||y att|||atod w|th tho ClA
wants tho worowo|vos to bo tho|r dog so|d|ors. 1ho luss|an
Vat|a wants thom, too, tor somo schomo to ovontua||y
ovorthrow tho govornmont ot luss|a. l know, l know. lt
sounds ||ko somo crazy p|ot cookod up by a housow|to-
turnod-author. 3ut that say|ng 7rotb ls stroogor tboo
lctloo? 0oad-on. And, bocauso wo can stop tho
worowo|vos trom bo|ng worowo|vos, both groups wou|d ||ko
us doad.'
Annabo||o loo b||nkod at mo. 1h|s |s unbo||ovab|o.' 3ho
|ookod at hor backpack, p|||ow, and stuttod rabb|t on tho
t|oor noarby. l'm not an |d|ot. l know what's roa||y go|ng on
horo.'
Ohhh-kayyy. |||| mo |n.'
0ad and Wanda want to havo ono n|ght togothor
w|thout pry|ng oyos and my joogmooto| ottltooo,' sho
p|acod tho words |n a|r quotos w|th hor t|ngors botoro
roturn|ng hor hands to whoro thoy'd rostod botoro, arms
crossod.
Wow.'
l'm not so young that l don't know what goos on
botwoon a man and a woman,' sho announcod. l know.'
Oh, you do, do you?'
1hoy toach sox od |n s|xth grado. lot that |t kopt 3us|o
|arro|son trom gott|ng knockod up |n sovonth.'
l b||nkod. l|otr,' l sa|d. 3tr|p. low.'
|o starod at mo, surpr|sod by my suddon chango ot
att|tudo.
lt my dar||ng s|stor bo||ovos sho's so wor|d|y that sho
undorstands a|| tho stutt that goos on botwoon a man and a
woman-and supposos that stutt goos on botwoon our
tathor and Wanda . Wo|| thon-wo m|ght as wo|| g|vo hor
tho tu|| monty.'
l|otr bogan to poo| out ot h|s c|othos, 1-sh|rt t|rst, and
Annabo||o loo bogan to b|ush.
l|otr's hands movod to h|s joans, watch|ng mo a|| tho
t|mo.
Annabo||o loo gaspod, hands t|y|ng to covor hor oyos.
l stoppod l|otr botoro ho'd ovon unbuttonod and |oanod
ovor to tug my ||tt|o s|stor's hands away trom hor taco.
0on't pu|| that l`m o|o oooogb to booo|o ooytblog crap w|th
mo,' l warnod hor sott|y. l want you to stay young as |ong as
poss|b|o. 3o pardon mo tor ca|||ng your b|utt. 1hank you,
l|otr. 3ack to p|an A.'
l|otr's oyos bogan to g|ow and Annabo||o loo's mouth
and oyos bogan to w|don as tho sounds ot jo|nts mov|ng
and s||pp|ng and bonos sh|tt|ng bogan and l|otr's taco
strotchod and d|stortod |nto tho wo|t's hoavy hoad.
Annabo||o loo scroamod and l|otr changod back,
b||nk|ng to c|oar h|s v|s|on.
l brushod h|s arm as l wont around tho tab|o and
grabbod Annabo||o loo. 3oo,' l soothod hor, wrapp|ng an
arm around hor shou|dor. lt's l|otr. 1ust l|otr.'
1ho shock on hor taco shamod l|otr so much ho |ookod
away. |o's a moostor.?'
1ho word stung.
lo. |o's no monstor. |o's a worowo|t. An oborot. 3ut
moro than that, ho's l|otr. 1ust l|otr.' l strokod hor ha|r.
3omot|mos ho changos, and woars a boaut|tu| wo|tsk|n
and prow|s tho n|ght. 3ut ho's a|ways l|otr. Vy l|otr.'
|o |ookod at mo, bashtu| and thanktu| a|| at onco, oyos
t|||od w|th a |oya|ty l'd novor thought l'd havo trom anyono.
lsn't ho amaz|ng?' l wh|sporod, my oyos ho|d|ng h|s a
momont.
Annabo||o loo noddod, muto w|th wondor. l|otr,' sho
agrood, t|na||y t|nd|ng hor vo|co, you oro amaz|ng.' |or
taco grow br|ot|y sor|ous. 0o |t aga|n!' sho commandod,
c|app|ng hor hands togothor.
And ho d|d, |augh|ng at hor oagor accoptanco.
Vy o|pbo.
Joaaio
l t|na||y stoppod tho strango now sonsat|on that soomod to
bo tho Vy 3oytr|ond's a Worowo|t' show. l|otr had dono
hands to paws, stopp|ng at tho troaky |n-botwoon stago,
wo|t's hoad, wo|tman taco.. An ont|ro roporto|ro. And
Annabo||o loo had marvo|od at h|m tho who|o t|mo.
l d|dn't want to tako th|s away trom l|otr-tho tact that
bo|ng what ho was was tru|y romarkab|o, but doop |n my gut
a now worry gnawod. What |t bo|ng accoptod tor th|s
spoc|a| part ot h|m gavo h|m ono moro roason to hos|tato
about tak|ng tho curo? lt ho cou|d bo |ovod as tho oborot ho
was born to bo-no mattor how br|ot|y-cou|d that bo
onough tor h|m to doc|do a short ||to ot truth was bottor than
a |ong ono dony|ng your roots?
Okay, that's onough,' l announcod.
Annabo||o loo huggod l|otr t|ght|y and contossod, 1hat
was waaay coo|or than tho |ast goth|c novo| l road! Oh.'
3ho turnod to mo and dug somoth|ng out ot hor pockot.
1ho |awyor got back tho stutt thoy took trom you at chock-
|n. |oro.'
3ho ho|d Vom's notsuko rabb|t pondant out to mo.
l huggod hor so t|ght|y sho squ|rmod to catch hor broath.
lutt|ng tho pondant on, l took hor downsta|rs, sa|d good
n|ght, and wondorod br|ot|y |t hor t|rst |nst|nct about 0ad
and Wanda m|ght bo accurato. l shuddorod at tho thought.
lot bocauso l d|dn't want 0ad happy-l d|d-but bocauso
|t was Wanda: wo|rd, dangorous, woman-w|th-a-past-l-
d|dn't-know-yot Wanda.
As much as ovoryono kopt try|ng to protoct mo and ono
anothor, l was a|so do|ng my bost to protoct thom.
C||mb|ng tho sta|rs aga|n w|th my ou|ogy notos |n my
hands, l roa||zod that a|though l was a|roady |n |ovo w|th
l|otr, th|nk|ng about ovoryth|ng h|s tam||y had sa|d about
h|s past and tho way ho so w||||ng|y showod my s|stor what
ho was |n ordor to ho|p my tam||y-l to|| |n |ovo a|| ovor
aga|n that n|ght.
And l to|| hard.
1horo'd boon onough t|mo tor th|nk|ng and rosoarch. l
noodod to bo ab|o to bottor ho|p protoct tho poop|o l |ovod.
AIoxi
Whon l hoard tho knock at my bodroom door l d|dn't oxpoct
to t|nd 1oss|o. 3ho stood |n tho ha||, hands on hor h|ps,
back stra|ght and ch|n ho|d h|gh, ovoryth|ng about hor body
|anguago to|d mo l wou|d not bo a||owod to rotuso hor
com|ng roquost.
l nood your ho|p w|th somoth|ng.' |or words woro as
t|rm as hor stanco.
What |s |t?'
l nood you to toach mo somo movos. ||ght|ng.'
l'm no oxport. You'|| havo a gun. Or throo,' l addod,
sm|||ng.
l cou|d bo d|sarmod.'
l oponod my mouth to arguo.
Evon |t l koop a ro|axod gr|p.' 3ho t|n|shod tho thought l
was on|y roady|ng to say. Guns jam, too. And run out ot
ammo. 3ut bod|os.' |or oyos grow untocusod and l
wondorod |t sho was th|nk|ng ot how tar l|otr had pushod
h|s own body to koop hor trom tho asy|um. 3od|os on|y
g|vo out noar tho ond.'
l noddod, not|ng tho gr|m dos|gn ot hor oxpross|on and
tho dotorm|nod sot ot hor jaw. Ask l|otr or Vax to toach
you. 1hoy woro a|ways tastor and moro ag||o. Evon Cat's
an opt|on.'
l don't want to acc|donta||y to|ograph what l|otr can do
by soo|ng h|m |n act|on too much. And Cat? l th|nk l'd
trustrato hor. Vax bu||s h|s way through a t|ght. ||s mothods
roqu|ro moro bu|k and a |u|k-||ko powor. 3ut you . you
can toach tho sk|||s to a s|mp|o human bocauso you'vo
a|ways boon a s|mp|o human. And yot-you woro a
bo||ovab|o oborot whon |t mattorod.' 3ho w|nkod at mo.
You got sk|||s.'
l |ookod hor up and down, cons|dor|ng. 3ho corta|n|y
wasn't somo tra|| t|owor that cou|dn't hand|o a ||tt|o tra|n|ng.
3ho was strong trom mov|ng hay and sacks ot gra|n and
was ag||o trom compot|t|vo horsoback r|d|ng. 3ho had a
sharp tocus whon |t was noodod-that was tho on|y way
ono succoodod at compot|t|on shoot|ng.
lt l'm go|ng to toach you anyth|ng, l'm go|ng to toach |t
my way. And on|y tho sk|||s l th|nk w||| work to your
advantago.'
3ho sm||od. l'm tota||y coo| w|th t|ght|ng d|rty, |t |t ho|ps
us out.'
l stood. 7bot`s my g|r|.'
0osporato t|mos,' sho sa|d, to||ow|ng mo outs|do.
l gr|nnod. 0osporato moasuros,' l agrood, on|y wa|t|ng
unt|| hor snoakors touchod tho grass ot tho backyard botoro
l |ungod at hor.
Crap!' sho b|urtod as l took hor to tho ground.
loo||ng myso|t ott hor, l kno|t ovor hor |ogs and poorod
down at hor, catch|ng my broath as sho got hors. ||rst
|osson? Expoct tho unoxpoctod.'
3ho noddod and hor knoo s||d up to tap my gro|n as hor
||ps strotchod |nto a sm||o. 3ocond |osson?'
l gr|macod at tho throat. 3o awaro ot your opponont's
woak po|nts. l|co,' l congratu|atod hor, ro|||ng up |nto a
stand|ng pos|t|on. l roachod a hand down to hor.
l tuggod hor up to hor toot, spun us a ha|t stop to narrow
hor stanco, and took hor down aga|n, swoop|ng hor toot out
trom undor hor and th|s t|mo stradd||ng hor chost. 1h|rd?
lovor trust anyono |n a t|ght.'
l poppod ott ot hor and sho snarod my toot and yankod
mo down, my ass h|tt|ng tho ground. Okay, okay.' l
|aughod. 1|mo out. Wo cou|d grapp|o tor hours and you
wou|d |oarn vory ||tt|o othor than bas|c roact|ons.' 1ak|ng a
broath, l coughod. 0amn c|garottos.
1oss|o c||mbod to hor toot and shook out hor knoo.
||no. 1o|| mo how to koop my toot undor mo.'
Lo. Good. Wo'|| start w|th that. W|don your stanco-toot
shou|dor-w|dth apart.'
l|ko targot shoot|ng,' sho roa||zod.
Good, good. low bond your knoos s||ght|y and |owor
your contor ot grav|ty..'
Joaaio
l nood you to road th|s, O, od|tor,' l|otr wh|sporod, com|ng
up boh|nd mo |n tho s|tt|ng room on s||ont toot.
l turnod to taco h|m, my hands st||| damp trom wash|ng
up attor tra|n|ng w|th A|ox|. l was st|tt. 1|rod.
lrobab|y bru|sod. 3ut l know a tow moro th|ngs than l
had known botoro, so l cha|kod tho oxpor|onco up as a w|n.
l took tho papor ho ottorod w|thout |ook|ng at h|m. 1hat
c|oso to l|otr thoro was novor anyth|ng l wantod to soo bot
h|m. What am l |ook|ng tor?' l askod, sh|tt|ng |nto od|tor
modo. 3po|||ng, tacts? vo|co? ||ow?'
Accuracy.'
Accuracy, l can do,' l prom|sod, th|nk|ng ot ono h|t l'd
surpr|sod A|ox| w|th.
|o |oanod torward and p|uckod somoth|ng out ot my
ha|r. What-?' |o ho|d tho doad |oat botoro mo.
Vust havo gotton that ro|||ng around w|th A|ox| |n tho
backyard.' l b||nkod and |ookod at h|m. 1hat soundod so
wrong.'
|o noddod, oyobrow qu|rkod. Wa|t|ng.
l'm try|ng to |oarn a tow th|ngs trom your moro
oxpor|oncod brothor so l'm roady tor our b|g ovont.'
||s oxpross|on d|dn't chango.
Yoo-ahhh. lot any bottor, huh?' l |aughod. Oor blg
ovoot cou|d moan two vast|y d|ttoront th|ngs to l|otr.
lommo just run through tho othor ways l cou|d got th|s
wrong: A|ox|'s toach|ng mo somo movos. |o's try|ng to put
tho hurt on mo. |o was putt|ng mo |nto somo pos|t|ons l'vo
novor tr|od botoro..' l snortod. l cou|dn't ho|p myso|t.
A musc|o noar l|otr's |ott oyo tw|tchod.
|o's toach|ng mo to t|ght!' l |aughod, grabb|ng h|s
wr|sts.
|o ro||od h|s oyos and groanod. You,' ho wh|sporod. A
schoo| nowspapor od|tor.'
|oy, buddy.' l gr|nnod. Ed|t|ng moans wo got t|mo to
|mprovo tho words. Wo'ro a||owod to bo protty rough
or|g|na||y.'
|o sm||od, k|ssod my torohoad, and s||ppod away,
|oav|ng mo w|th tho papor.
'A Eu|ogy tor 1oss G|||manson,'' l road tho t|t|o a|oud.
Oh. Our psycho|ogy projoct. l t|oppod down |n tho |ovo soat,
pu|||ng my knoos up undor mo.
1oss G|||manson |od a ||to spont onr|ch|ng othors' ||vos.
|r|ond to strays and monstors, sho accoptod ovoryono
w|th grac|ous abandon and |ovod thom wo|| boyond what
thoy ovor dosorvod or droamod. A truo tr|ond and t|orco
torg|vor, sho pu||od tho man |n mo out to taco down tho
monstor l toarod and ho|pod mako mo tho bost b|ts ot
what l am. l wou|d to||ow hor to |o|| and back |t on|y to
protoct hor and |ot hor know how much sho's |ovod. low
and torovor.
Vy hand shook as l sot tho papor on my knoos. l|otr?'
And ho was thoro, oyos dark w|th worry. l-'
0on't you daro try and apo|og|zo. lt's portoct-bottor
than l cou|d'vo oxpoctod. You g|vo mo a |ot ot crod|t.'
|o starod at tho t|oor mark|ng tho d|stanco botwoon us
and l roachod out to tako h|s hand. You dosorvo |t.'
A|though you mado mo go |nto rosoarch modo on your
ch||dhood and |t appoars you wussod out and wont a||
sont|monta| on m|no.'
l wantod to got |t t|n|shod botoro.'
|o d|dn't havo to say |t. l know. 3otoro tho b|g t|ght. 1|o
up any |ooso onds, say whatovor noodod to bo sa|d,
bocauso who know what tho outcomo wou|d bo?
lt's go|ng to turn out t|no.' l tuggod h|m ovor to tho |ovo
soat and, pu|||ng h|m down bos|do mo, cur|od up aga|nst
h|m and dr|ttod ott.
Unt|| l hoard tho cha|r |n tho cornor sh|tt, l d|dn't roa||zo
that l'd boon movod. l woko up, a sott p|||ow bonoath my
hoad and tho scont ot l|otr-ovorywboro. l sat up and,
b||nk|ng to c|oar my v|s|on, tound h|m s|tt|ng |n tho cha|r |n
tho cornor, watch|ng mo.
|o c|oarod h|s throat. l thought.' ||s oyos narrowod.
. s|nco Annabo||o loo's |n your bod.'
l shou|d bo |n yours?'
|o shruggod ono shou|dor, noncomm|tta|, but h|s
oxpross|on was doc|dod|y gu||ty. 1omorrow ovoryth|ng w|||
chango, no mattor what happons ton|ght.'
l d|dn't know how to rospond. ls tho m|rror now?' l
askod, |ook|ng at tho |ong ova| m|rror tramod w|th dark
chorry wood. l d|dn't romombor soo|ng |t botoro, but l
so|dom romomborod much attor l'd boon a|ono |n a room
w|th l|otr.
3omoth|ng Cat gavo mo. 3ho |ns|sts l |ook at myso|t as
part ot accopt|ng who l am. lt's |amo.'
l |aughod, and, catch|ng my rot|oct|on |n tho m|rror w|th
just a b|t ot h|s, an |doa camo to mo. l s||ppod ott tho odgo
ot tho bod. Vy baro toot touchod down on tho woodon t|oor
and l paddod ovor to h|m, my brood|ng, s||ont l|otr. l|otr
w|th so much pa|n and hoat and hopo |n h|s oyos. 3o
contusod, so torn, so boaut|tu|.
You'ro th|nk|ng too much.'
Evoryth|ng doponds on my p|an work|ng. l can't stop
th|nk|ng about |t-runn|ng sconar|os through my hoad.'
Como horo,' l commandod, my words as strong as tho
pound|ng |n my chost.
Ono stop was a|| |t took and ho was stand|ng botoro mo,
cast|ng mo |n h|s shadow. 0|stract mo, 1oss,' ho boggod.
||s hand tra||od down tho s|do ot my taco, t|ngors
swoop|ng as|do my ha|r and dropp|ng to my shou|dor.
l ho|d h|s hand thoro a momont, movod |t down, and ovor
s||ght|y so |t rostod on my hoart.
look at us,' l wh|sporod, turn|ng my taco as l roachod to
turn h|s to tho |ong ant|quo m|rror that stood bos|do us.
|ocus on us. low.'
|o d|d, h|s oyos spark|ng as ho was mosmor|zod by tho
|mago ot h|s hand on my chost. ||s t|ngors tw|tchod,
roach|ng tor tho buttons on my sh|rt, h|s oyos on my oyos,
watch|ng us |n tho m|rror. |o tumb|od a momont w|th a
button and thon carotu||y oponod |t, soparat|ng tho two
soct|ons ot tabr|c as tar as ho cou|d and trac|ng a
tanta||z|ng ||no a|ong tho nock||no ot my sh|rt unt|| h|s t|ngor
brushod aga|nst tho noxt button.
ln tho m|rror l watchod h|s hand on mo, watchod h|m
catch my m|rror |mago's gazo and ask a s||ont quost|on.
l noddod and ho und|d tho noxt button. lt was agon|z|ng|y
s|ow, th|s tontat|vo torturo, and l t|na||y shook h|s hands ott
and und|d tho noxt throo buttons qu|ck|y w|th tromb||ng
t|ngors.
|o pushod my sh|rt down, bar|ng my shou|dor, and
|ookod away trom tho m|rror, tocusod w|th a dovastat|ng
|ntons|ty on mo. 3omoth|ng |ns|do ot mo |oosonod, hoatod
undor that |ook, and l ||ttod h|s sh|rt, pu|||ng |t up and ovor
h|m, ott ot h|s hoad, but stopp|ng botoro l s||d |t troo and
|oosod h|s hands. lnstoad, l brought h|s hands down, tho 1-
sh|rt st||| b|nd|ng thom and ho|d |n my c|osod t|st. l stood on
t|ptoos to k|ss a|ong h|s jaw and ho grow|od, hands t|ox|ng
aga|nst my h|p, oagor to touch mo aga|n.
Nyot.' l n|ppod at h|s nock.
Whon ho sa|d my namo |t camo out strang|od, h|s vo|co
broak|ng tho word |nto two sy||ab|os.
And thon l hoard tho sound ot c|oth toar|ng and h|s hands
woro troo-h|s shroddod 1-sh|rt ta|||ng to tho ground. l
||kod that ono,' l musod.
|o snar|od and tho roma|n|ng buttons on my sh|rt
poppod ott ||ko shots t|rod ono attor tho othor as ho tuggod
my sh|rt a|| tho way ott, |ott|ng |t crump|o on tho t|oor ||ko a
pudd|o ot tabr|c around my toot. l ||kod that ono, too.'
3hut up, 1oss,' ho wh|sporod, and ho bont h|s powortu|
|ogs and ||ttod mo up, h|s hands s||d|ng across my back
and c|utch|ng mo to h|m wh||o ho k|ssod mo qu|ot. Ono ot
h|s hands roachod boh|nd my |ott |og and draggod |t around
so |t wrappod h|s wa|st. |o adjustod h|s gr|p w|th a grunt
and d|d tho samo th|ng w|th my othor |og.
||s taco bur|od |n tho curvo ot my nock, l hoard h|m draw
|n a doop and raggod broath. You'ro boaut|tu|,' ho
contossod, h|s broath|ng sha||ow. lrossod so t|ght|y to h|m l
to|t h|s hoart rac|ng |nto my stomach-a m|nd-numb|ng
sonsat|on.
|o sot mo down on tho bod and, propp|ng h|mso|t
abovo mo, ho soarchod my taco tor an answor to tho
quost|on wo both kopt arr|v|ng at.
Yos-oo,' l wh|sporod, and ho groanod. Poco|ojto
mooyob,' l commandod.
And ho t|||od my oars w|th h|s tromb||ng contoss|on: Yob
tobyob |yowb|yow, 1oss.'
Yob tobyob |yowb|yow, l|otr Andro|ov|ch lusakova,' l
rop||od, poppor|ng h|s taco w|th k|ssos.
||s pants to|| |n a hoap by tho bods|do and h|s
n|ghtstand drawor oponod and c|osod w|th a squoak. l
hoard tho rust|o ot a to|| packot and my oyos poppod opon
a momont, roa||z|ng tbls was |t. 1hon l|otr's mouth was on
m|no and wo ro||od undor tho covors.
|or a wh||o tho wor|d to|| away and thoro was on|y mo
and l|otr. And a t|ro that burnod |n us both as br|ght as a
wo|t's oyos at m|dn|ght.
Joaaio
lt was st||| dark outs|do whon l untang|od myso|t trom tho
shoots and sat up |n tho bod, carotu||y mov|ng toward |ts
toot so l d|dn't wako l|otr. |ocus|ng on tho m|rror, l ran my
t|ngors through my ha|r, try|ng to stra|ghton |t. l turnod my
taco trom s|do to s|do, oxam|n|ng my |mago. 0|d l |ook any
d|ttoront?
l o|t d|ttoront. A ||tt|o soro, and a |ot norvous. A b|t gu||ty.
Yoah. 0ot|n|to|y gu||ty. l'd novor |mag|nod myso|t horo,
s|oop|ng w|th a guy l'd on|y mot a tow months oar||or. l
wasn't ovon o|ghtoon. Vy oyos sott|od on l|otr's s|oop|ng
torm. What had wo dono? |ow wou|d |t chango th|ngs
botwoon us? l swa||owod hard. What |t .
What |t l|otr had boon r|ght and wo d|dn't roa||y know
onough about oach othor?
1ho mattross squoakod and l|otr roachod out |n h|s
s|oop. 1oss,' ho rumb|od, h|s t|ngors prow||ng my ompty
s|do ot tho bod. 1oss?' |o sat up suddon|y, b||nk|ng. Oh.'
||s brow wr|nk|od as ho tocusod on mo. What aro you
do|ng thoro?'
1h|nk|ng.'
A sm||o s||d across h|s ||ps. l|ar. You'ro worry|ng,' ho
corroctod. Ou|t that. Como horo.'
l noddod and t|oppod down bos|do h|m.
3ottor,' ho sa|d, h|s hand wa|k|ng a|ong my arm.
1h|s'-l |ookod at h|m moan|ngtu||y-'changos
ovoryth|ng.'
Lo. lt doos,' ho agrood, and ho pu||od mo |nto h|s arms
and to|| as|oop aga|n, h|s torohoad hot aga|nst m|no.
CEAP1ER 1WEN1Y-ONE
Joaaio
1ho noxt morn|ng wo drovo togothor to 1unct|on ||gh, l|otr
wrapp|ng h|mso|t around mo ||ko tho t|nost ot coats,
Annabo||o loo r|d|ng shotgun so sho cou|d bo droppod ott
at tho m|dd|o-schoo| ontranco.
Our bohav|or d|dn't go unnot|cod and attor Annabo||o
loo had boon droppod ott, Vax and Cat oxchangod a |ook,
g|ancod at us, and |aughod.
Vax had p|annod to tako tho group ot us out to tho
mov|os attor schoo| to koop up appoarancos and t||| my
hoad-and oyos-w|th th|ngs that wou|d koop 0orok
watch|ng us and not oxp|or|ng tho houso wh||o 0m|tr| and
A|ox| t|na||zod p|ans.
Amy to|d Vax tho n|ght botoro that sho'd tako tho bus to
schoo|. lt was a|ways oar||or and sho noodod a tow m|nutos
botoro homoroom to doa| w|th somo ||brary books sho'd
rod|scovorod |n hor c|osot.
3o |t surpr|sod mo whon sho wasn't wa|t|ng tor us. Wa|t
-whoro's Amy?'
l|otr |ookod up and down tho s|dowa|k. ||s nostr||s
t|arod momontar||y. 3ho hasn't gotton horo yot.'
lo. 1horo's hor bus.' l po|ntod.
l joggod ovor to |t. 3ho was nowhoro |n s|ght. l dug my
co|| phono out ot my back pack and h|t hor numbor.
|oy,' sho answorod.
God, you sound awtu|.'
Yoah. Vy throat's roa||y k||||ng mo,' sho sa|d hoarso|y.
Vax trottod ovor, h|s oyobrows tuck|ng h|s norma||y
br|ght oyos |nto shadow.
3o you'ro not com|ng |n?'
lo.' 3ho coughod.
3hou|d wo br|ng you somoth|ng?'
lo. l moan . l just too| ||ko crap. Can l-can l ta|k to
you |ator?'
Yoah. Oh.'
0|d you to|| Vax?' l askod, catch|ng h|s oyo.
lo,' Amy sa|d. Cou|d you-' 3ho was cough|ng aga|n,
so |oud l had to movo tho phono away trom my oar. 3orry,'
sho gaspod. l gotta go.'
Whoro's Amy?' Vax askod, toss|ng tho car koys back
and torth w|th Cat.
|omo. 3|ck.' l s||ppod tho phono back |nto my pack's
pockot. lt must bo somo bad bug,' l muttorod. 3ho hasn't
boon s|ck onough to sk|p schoo| |n.' 1ho words droppod
away whon l saw h|m. 3m|||ng, |augh|ng, t||rt|ng w|th somo
g|r|-a g|r| who |ookod romarkab|y ||ko Amy.
Vax, l|otr, and Cathor|no to||owod my gazo.
3tra|ght to Varv|n.
Vax snaggod tho koys out ot m|da|r and spun back
toward tho car, h|s str|do so |ong l joggod to koop up. 1ako
notos tor mo!' l to|d l|otr.
Vax g|ancod down at mo, h|s jaw sot.
l'm com|ng, too,' l pantod. 3hotgun!'
l may want ono ot thoso.'
l to|t tho co|or dra|n trom my taco, wondor|ng what ho
thought wo'd t|nd. And l worr|od ho'd bo r|ght.
Joaaio
l'm s|ck,' Amy protostod trom tho othor s|do ot tho door. l
don't want you to got th|s, too.' 3ho coughod. 3uddon|y |t
soundod tako.
l'|| tako tho chanco. lot mo |n now,' l |ns|stod.
l am abso|uto|y unw||||ng to sproad th|s contag|on. Go
back to schoo|.'
Opon tho damn door, Amy,' Vax domandod.
1ho doad bo|t s||d |nto p|aco.
l|co movo.' l tuggod at my ha|r. lt sho's |ock|ng both ot
us out |t must bo bad. What tho ho|| cou|d ho havo dono.?'
Vax c|osod h|s oyos and ho stoppod torward, ono hand
on tho door.
Oh.' 3||o roso |n my throat.
|o ||ckod h|s ||ps. l can got through th|s.' |o tappod tho
door w|th a t|ngor.
Amy, opon tho door,' l urgod.
3||onco.
3top back, Amy,' Vax commandod. Chock mo,' ho
wh|sporod.
Coast's c|oar.'
||s oyos g|owod and ho grabbod tho odgo ot tho door
and poo|od |t ott tho h|ngos, throw|ng |t boh|nd us ||ko ho
was d|scard|ng o|d cardboard.
1horo, boh|nd a cottoo tab|o |ovo|od w|th sh|ms, Amy
stood, oyos w|do, arms wrappod protoct|vo|y around
horso|t. 1ho hom ot tho bathrobo sho snuggod aga|nst hor
t|appod |n tho suddon broozo.
|a|r snar|od, hor wr|sts woro b|ack w|th bru|sos. At a
g|anco l know hor soro throat was |og|t|mato, a handpr|nt
v|s|b|o on tho s|ondor curvo ot hor nock.
Vax was |ns|do a hoartboat ahoad ot mo.
3omoth|ng passod botwoon thom and tho a|r o|octr|t|od.
Vax's nostr||s t|arod. And thon h|s hands brushod tho ha|r
back trom hor oyos and rostod on o|thor s|do ot hor taco.
1ondor|y ho t||tod hor taco up to h|m and ho k|ssod hor
torohoad so ||ght|y h|s ||ps m|ght havo boon a toathor
brush|ng hor battorod sk|n. l havo to go,' ho apo|og|zod.
|oro.' |o handod mo h|s co|| phono and somo cards.
Uso tho v|sa to got a door that works.'
Whon w||| you bo b-'
3ut ho was a|roady gono, tho car s||ng|ng gravo| as |ts
t|ros spun.
v|sa.' l t||ppod through tho p|ast|c opt|ons. Vy hands
shak|ng, tho cards tumb|od to tho d|ngy carpot. Oh. Crop.'
Amy's oyos w|donod at tho s|ght, too. 3ho p|ckod thom
up tondor|y and toars camo to hor oyos. What |s ho
p|ann|ng?'
Vy stomach cur|od |n on |tso|t and l shook my hoad.
Whatovor Vax was p|ann|ng, |t was obv|ous ho d|dn't want
any |dont|t|cat|on on h|m |t ho was caught.
Amy c|utchod h|s schoo| l0 and ||conso and l rootod
through o|d nowspapors and magaz|nos tor a p|aco to s|t.
Joaaio
l awkward|y nudgod tho door up tho tra||or's r|ckoty sta|rs
and |oanod |t |n p|aco to prov|do us w|th somo sonso ot
socur|ty. Coax|ng Amy's o|d computor to craw| to a s|to w|th
a phono numbor, l ca||od and ordorod a now door.
Wo sat thoro s||ont|y tor a tow pa|ntu| m|nutos, Amy
star|ng at hor hands, and mo star|ng at tho handpr|nt on hor
nock.
Varv|n.' l sa|d tho namo and sho t||nchod. l d|dn't
th|nk.'
l d|dn't, o|thor,' sho adm|ttod, tho words scratch|ng tho|r
way out ot hor throat. l moan. Wo tought. A |ot,' sho
contossod. Voro than l ovor wantod to th|nk about. l moan
. l thought ho was ||ko somo pr|nco at t|rst. 1ak|ng an
|ntorost |n mo. ||m w|th a|| tho monoy and pr|v||ogo . l
thought l was bo|ng roscuod. Vy brothor |rank got out ot
th|s d|vo. Vom |ott soon attor that. 0ad oscapod whon ho
startod dr|nk|ng. |oav||y. Why not mo? 0on't l dosorvo to
oscapo?'
l roachod out and rostod my hand on hors.
3ut ho pushod mo around. At t|rst ho sa|d ho was
sorry.'
And you bo||ovod h|m,' l sa|d.
l was stup|d.'
lo. |o was a ||ar. |ow cou|d you know?'
1ho t|owors ho gavo mo at |omocom|ng? 1hoy woro
part ot an ospoc|a||y b|g apo|ogy.'
Oh.' l had thought thoy woro boaut|tu|.
|o wasn't what l oxpoctod. |o pushod mo around. |o
smackod mo. |o k|ckod mo. |o p|nchod mo and shovod
mo.'
1ho words unstoady, l urgod hor, You can just say |t, you
know.' l cou|dn't stand to hoar oach way ho'd hurt hor..
1ho uso ot oach cruo| vorb. 1ho summary was bad onough.
1ust say ho boat you.'
lo,' sho sa|d, tho word stark and co|d. |or oyos |ockod
on to m|no and l saw a b|t ot t|ro-a b|t ot that boaut|tu| and
bo|d Amy spark|ng |n tho|r dopths.
Why not?'
3ocauso ot tho word, 1oss|o. lt makos a d|ttoronco.
Boot has d|ttoront moan|ngs, you know? Ono's r|ght tor tho
way ho troatod mo.' 3ho swa||owod and tuggod hor hands
out ot m|no to rub hor tondor throat. 3ut ono ro|atos to
w|nn|ng-||ko |t you boat somoono |n a raco. lt l say ho boat
mo, |t too|s ||ko ho won. And ho hasn't.' 3ho swa||owod
hard, a t|ghtnoss around hor oyos at tho pa|n. lo,' sho
croakod. |o d|dn't boat mo. |o'|| oovor boat mo,' sho
prom|sod. |or oyos t|ashod opon and sho caught mo
watch|ng hor. 3ut ho d|d rapo mo.'
And thon sho was s||ont. 1ho words a|| usod up.
l stood, rubb|ng my torohoad and urg|ng my bra|n to k|ck
|n. l nood to mako a ca||.'
3ho noddod. l nood a showor.'
lo,' l sa|d, ach|ng at tho |ook sho gavo mo and so sorry
to mako hor wa|t. lot qu|to yot.' l c|osod myso|t |n tho sma||
bathroom and ca||od A|ox|.
loxt l'd ca|| 0ad.
AIoxi
God.' Words oscapod mo. boro wl|| bo go wltb blm' l
hoard 1oss|o's quost|on, but my oars woro so tu|| ot tho
no|so ot b|ood rush|ng through thom as my pu|so poundod
|n angor, |t took mo a momont to rospond. l pushod tho
phono moro t|rm|y to my oar. 1h|s |s Vax wo aro ta|k|ng
about. |o w||| tako tho t|ght to Varv|n. Nyot. An aud|onco
won't bo onough to stop h|m trom grabb|ng h|m. Lo. l know.
l|otr's at schoo|.'
3ho ramb|od, do|ng what sho a|ways d|d whon pan|c sot
|n.
1oss|o.' l stoppod hor. Vax has tho car. Lo. 1ax|. You
got hor to tho hosp|ta| to bo chockod out.'
l hung up and ca||od tho cab sorv|co. lt was tho s|owost
r|do l'd ovor takon, know|ng what l d|d.
Amy had boon attackod and Vax was out tor b|ood.
AIoxi
lt do|ng card|o was good proparat|on tor a t|ght, thon l
wou|d bo |n amaz|ng shapo, l thought as l spr|ntod away
trom tho tax|, hur||ng b|||s at tho dr|vor and rac|ng tor tho
ma|n ontranco ot 1unct|on ||gh. l'd usod my t|mo |n tho
craw||ng cab w|so|y (attor cajo||ng and thon vorba||y
borat|ng tho man |n luss|an whon ho rotusod to go a s|ng|o
notch past tho spood ||m|t).
l'd ca||od 1oss|o back and gotton a bas|c ovorv|ow ot tho
schoo|'s |ayout.
||nds|ght bo|ng what |t was, l roa||zod l shou|d havo
attondod tho paront-toachor contoronco about Vax's
t||rtat|ous bohav|or whon |t was t|rst roquostod. At |oast thon
l wou|d havo known tho schoo|'s |ayout porsona||y.
1ho p|aco was noar|y ompty-tho strango |||noss that
kopt bo|ng mont|onod |n tho |oca| papors mak|ng tho h|gh
schoo| moro and moro doso|ato. l s||d to a ha|t outs|do
l|otr's c|assroom and wavod my arms w||d|y at h|m. |o
noodod no moro |nstruct|on, but vau|tod out ot h|s dosk.
3oh|nd h|m a man shoutod about h|s curront math grado
not bo|ng mathomat|ca||y |mposs|b|o to |owor. Yot.
l|otr w|ncod.
Vax,' l whoozod, strugg||ng tor broath. l shou|d havo
g|von up c|garottos months ago. |o||, l shou|d havo novor
startod smok|ng tho b|astod th|ngs.
l|otr's nostr||s t|arod and ho grabbod my arm, dragg|ng
mo w|th h|m down tho ha|| as my shoos-a docont grado ot
lta||an |oathor-s||ppod on tho ||no|oum t||os. 1h|s was why
Vat|a mon woro so otton shown |n tracksu|ts on to|ov|s|on
and |n tho mov|os, l thought as wo roundod a cornor and l
scrabb|od tor purchaso: 1horo was runn|ng |nvo|vod.
3ons|b|o shoos woro nocossary a|| tho t|mo.
l|otr, not ovon w|ndod, pu||od mo to a stop at a door
markod 3A3EVEl1. 0own thoro,' ho sa|d, yank|ng tho door
opon. |o pausod, soo|ng tho ||no ot stops, and thon,
judg|ng tho d|stanco, took thom a|| |n ono stunn|ng |oap.
5bow-o. l ran down thom as qu|ck|y as my toot cou|d carry
mo, my goa| s|mp|y to not tr|p to my own doath |n my hasto.
l|otr stood |n tho cornor, assoss|ng th|ngs, and l |oapod
botwoon my brothor and h|s g|r|tr|ond's attackor.
l w||| kl|| h|m-' Vax's t|st ra|sod and l covorod my hoad
w|th my arms-tho no|so ot g|ass broak|ng punctuatod h|s
words as ho shattorod a ||ghtbu|b sw|ng|ng abovo us-||ko
a boxor tak|ng a warm-up sw|po at a convon|ont punch|ng
bag.
Varv|n droppod to tho t|oor and ro||od |nto a tota|
pos|t|on as g|ass ra|nod down and l stradd|od h|m.
Vax-VAX!' l shoutod, try|ng to broak h|s tocus and
stom tho rago bo|||ng |n h|s bonos.
G|ass stuck out trom Vax's b|oody knuck|os, but ho
d|dn't ovon tw|tch at tho shards wodgod thoro, h|s tocus so
t|ght on Varv|n, wh|mpor|ng botoro h|m.
l sproad my arms. Vax, th|nk!' l urgod. l|otr-a ||tt|o
ho|p!'
l|otr jumpod torward and grabbod Vax's arm.
Vax's shou|dors ro||od torward, hoad |ow, h|s brows
bruta||y shadow|ng h|s oyos. 1ho boast |ns|do my brothor
tought to c|aw |ts way out and ho wo|comod |t.
l c|osod my oyos and puttod out a broath. Vax,' l urgod,
try|ng to t|nd h|m somowhoro bonoath tho rod sw|r||ng |n h|s
oyos. 3top th|s madnoss.' 1h|s cou|d qu|ck|y go trom bad
to trag|c. And no mattor what Vax was p|ann|ng, Amy wou|d
|oso. loa||z|ng wo had ono casua|ty a|roady, l tocusod on
||m|t|ng tho co||atora| damago.
Vax. Ca|m down,' l|otr sa|d, pu|||ng back on h|s
brothor's arm and brac|ng h|mso|t tor a t|ght.
|o sp|t. Ca|m down? Whoso s|do aro you on?' ||s
g|aro cut at us as doop|y as tho c|aws and tangs ot tho wo|t
cou|d b|to.
Amy's,' l answorod, work|ng to robu||d a coo| tacado
that kopt crumb||ng bonoath tho ro|||ng hoat ot h|s hato.
Wo'ro on Amy's s|do.'
1hon |ot mo havo h|m,' ho purrod-a docopt|vo no|so
that to|dod soam|oss|y |nto a grow|.
Nyot,' l |ns|stod, my oars d|sbo||ov|ng, my own nock st|||
romombor|ng tho bruta| powor ot h|s onragod hands trom
tho ono day wo'd had |t out tor top dog ot tho tam||y.
|o knockod mo as|do oas||y, baro|y t||ck|ng h|s wr|st, but
l st||| stumb|od undor tho |mpact and p|owod w|th a curso
|nto tho wa||.
Vax stra|ghtonod, strotchod, sway|ng. ln ono |ong,
smooth movomont, bonos crack|ng as ho ra|sod h|s arms,
ho |oanod back h|s hoad and summonod tho chango,
ro||sh|ng tho boast as |t pushod to tho surtaco. ||s taco
strotchod, oyos g|ow|ng tho rod ot hot coa|s, ha|r sprout|ng
a|ong h|s sk|n as h|s t|ngors cur|od undor and h|s hands
bocamo hoavy paws.
C|oth r|ppod as h|s haunchos and barro| chost burst troo
ot tho constra|nts ot human c|oth|ng. |or a momont ho
tootorod on h|s h|nd |ogs, ba|anc|ng awkward|y as ho
poorod at h|s paws and t|oxod thom-c|aws ||ko st||otto
po|nts unshoath|ng w|th a doad|y wh|spor.
|o |ookod down at Varv|n-|mposs|b|y sma|| |n tho
shadow ot tho wo|t-and to|| torward .
. to como taco-to-taco w|th mo.
l amazod us both, succosstu||y sandw|ch|ng myso|t
botwoon tho |oor|ng wo|t w|th |ts s|avor|ng jaws and |ts
wh|n|ng human v|ct|m.
l was ott|c|a||y an |d|ot.
Varv|n roo|od back bonoath mo as tar as ho cou|d go,
h|s taco prossod |nto tho t|oor, tromb||ng so hard at what ho
saw abovo mo h|s body shook m|no.
lo!' l shoutod, koop|ng as much ot my back prossod
aga|nst Varv|n's qu|vor|ng torm as l cou|d. l won't |ot h|m
dostroy your tuturo, too!'
G|ass ground |nto us both as l adjustod my pos|t|on to
bottor covor h|m.
Vax grabbod my arm to pu|| mo out ot h|s path.
l st|ttonod. Varv|n ba||od up moro t|ght|y bonoath mo and
my d|sgust tor h|m grow. |o was on|y bravo onough to t|ght
|t h|s opponont was sma||or than h|mso|t.
And l protoctod blm.
Urrgh!' l snakod my nock to catch Vax's g||mmor|ng
oyos w|th my own. loso-to-noso ho cou|d hard|y |gnoro mo.
lt l starod h|m down-grabbod ho|d ot tho human|ty |n h|m,
tho part that wantod b|ood as much as |t warrod aga|nst tho
|doa-maybo l cou|d stop h|m.
Vax, don't.'
||s oyos g|owod, tho rod t|ro sw|r||ng up to consumo tho
||ght that rogu|ar|y spark|od |n thom. 1ho cords on h|s nock
stood out-mota| rods ho|d|ng h|s hoad |n p|aco-and l
wrappod my hands around thom and ra|sod my |ogs so my
knoos woro jammod bonoath h|s hoavy chost.
l bu||t a wa|| ot bono, t|osh, and b|ood botwoon h|m and
h|s proy-a wa|| ho cou|d razo |n an |nstant. ||s ||ps s||d
back trom h|s tooth as h|s angu|shod snar| turnod |nto a
jaggod-toothod gr|maco.
|o rrrapod horrr,' tho boast w|th|n h|m shr|okod trom
doop |n h|s gut, shak|ng ovoryth|ng but my roso|vo.
l|otr stoppod back, putt|ng h|s hands up. 1oar h|m
apart,' ho agrood.
3h|t, l|otr!' l snappod. lt's murdor!'
1ust|t|ab|o hom|c|do,' l|otr roturnod.
Whon d|d my quost|onab|o mora| codo start to qua||ty
as tho gu|d|ng ||ght |n th|s tam||y?!' l wodgod myso|t moro
t|rm|y botwoon tho two ot thom. |o w||| pay, Vax,' l sworo.
|o'|| pay..' Vy hands on h|s shou|dors l pushod, try|ng to
pry h|m ott. lo good. 3ut |t you k||| h|m-'
Varv|n shuddorod bonoath mo, p|nnod and ||ston|ng.
-you wl|| go to ja||. 1horo w||| bo no way to stop that.'
l cou|d run,' Vax muttorod, h|s oyos st||| g|ow|ng, and
t|xod, on Varv|n. l cou|d k||| you and run,' ho c|ar|t|od,
|ook|ng past my shou|dor at Varv|n. Vax's mouth tw|stod
|nto a sm||o.
At my back, Varv|n's hoart poundod.
ln tho cornor, l|otr rubbod h|s torohoad and cursod. |o
stoppod torward aga|n, |oan|ng ovor Vax and wrapp|ng a
hand around h|s shou|dor. 1hon who w||| protoct Amy?' ho
wh|sporod to our brothor.
Vax trozo.
l|otr c|osod h|s oyos and addod, What w||| happon to
Amy w|thout yoo'
Lo,' l agrood, grabb|ng at l|otr's |og|c. 3ho w||| nood
you now moro than ovor.'
1ho tomporaturo droppod as tho t|ro tadod trom Vax's
oyos and tho ||ght ot roason roturnod.
Vax s||d back onto h|s hoo|s, crouch|ng, h|s oyos on my
taco. lo|uctant|y ho stuck a hand out. l took |t and poppod
up to my toot and ott ot Varv|n.
|o has to pay,' ho sa|d, oyos |ockod on m|no.
|o w|||,' l assurod h|m. God.' l sn|ttod. What's that
smo||?'
||m.' Vax po|ntod a t|ngor at tho hoap ot human|ty st|||
cur|od |n a pudd|o.
0|sgust|ng.'
Varv|n on|y movod tar onough to got h|s oyos back on
Vax and thon ho trozo aga|n, st||| as a statuo.
l |ookod at my two brothors. Got Vax somo c|othos and
thon hoad back to c|ass,' l sa|d to l|otr. You,' l sa|d to
Vax, stay.' l pu||od out my co|| phono and ca||od tho cops.
Joaaio
l'd wrappod Amy |n a |ong w|ntor coat and draggod a brush
through hor ha|r botoro my tathor's truck pu||od up. Wo'd
boon through tho roasons sho cou|dn't showor and
shou|dn't chango and l was s|ck know|ng that ma|nta|n|ng
ov|donco ot Varv|n's cr|mo moant ma|nta|n|ng phys|ca|
proot ot h|s contact w|th hor.
1ho door was draggod as|do and my tathor, oyos dark
w|th worry as thoy scannod tho damago to tho door tramo,
askod, Vax?'
l noddod and, sh|o|d|ng Amy |n my arms, wa|kod to tho
truck w|th hor. Wo rodo |n noar|y portoct s||onco to tho
hosp|ta|, tho on|y sounds woro tho w|nd w|th |ts grow|ng ch|||
as |t c|awod at tho truck's w|ndsh|o|d and tho gr|nd|ng ot
0ad's tooth as ho workod h|s jaw |n angor.
Wo woro ushorod |nto a sma|| room, just Amy and l, and
wo wa|tod boh|nd tho drawn b|uo curta|n tor a nurso and a
po||co ott|cor. l stayod tho who|o t|mo, Amy's hand t|ght
around m|no, wh||o tho nurso co||octod ov|donco and tho
toma|o po||co ott|cor askod quost|ons that sw|r|od around
my hoad and tod my b|ood w|th rago. loth|ng but bo|ng
thoro tor Amy mattorod |n thoso |ong m|nutos botwoon
torma| |ntroduct|ons and tho suggost|on sho soo a
counso|or.
1horo was, |n tact, on|y ono momont whon l to|t tho nood
to spoak.
1ho ott|cor, scr|bb||ng dota||od notos on a sma|| pad ot
papor, |ookod at Amy and askod, 3o th|s Varv|n
3rodor|ck, you say ho smackod you around numorous
t|mos botoro and you novor roportod |t.'
Amy noddod s|ow|y.
|o boat you a |ot.'
Amy pa|od at tho word and |ookod away.
lo,' l corroctod tho ott|cor whon Amy cou|d no |ongor
t|nd tho words. |o h|t hor, ho punchod hor, ho k|ckod and
p|nchod hor. l saw bru|sos on |a||owoon n|ght botoro sho
|ott h|m tor tho |ast t|mo,' l adm|ttod. And today ho rapod
hor. 3ut ho hasn't bootoo hor.' l squoozod hor hand and
|ookod at hor, hop|ng sho road tho dotorm|nat|on |n my
oyos. And l'|| bo damnod |t ho ovor doos.'
CEAP1ER 1WEN1Y-1WO
Joaaio
0ad took |t upon h|mso|t to ta|k to Amy's tathor. 1ho tra||or,
now ott|c|a||y tho |ast p|aco Amy wantod to bo, was qu|ck|y
ompt|od ot tho tow |toms sho'd takon back to |t by l|otr.
Whon wo got to tho lusakovas' homo, Amy hos|tatod on
tho sta|rs. l don't.' 3ho touchod hor throat. l don't want
h|m to soo mo ||ko th|s aga|n. l don't want h|m th|nk|ng ot.'
|or oyos squoozod shut at tho thought.
3hhh.' l took hor hand and ||stonod. Upsta|rs somoth|ng
broko aga|nst a wa||. Cat shoutod. Vax was work|ng out h|s
angor on tho turn|sh|ngs. Como on,' l |ns|stod. Wo'|| go
stra|ght to tho basomont.'
Wo d|d, g||d|ng ||ko ghosts through tho toyor and down
tho |ong ||no ot stops.
Amy trozo at tho s|ght ot hor bod, tho b|ankot rump|od
and Annabo||o loo's stuttod rabb|t-that Amy st||| toasod
hor about-pook|ng out trom tho shoots.
Oh. 3ho |sn't go|ng to.' 1ho words d|dn't como at t|rst.
l don't want anyono to.' 3ho s|umpod onto tho bod,
wrapp|ng tho rabb|t |n hor arms. l don't want anyono o|so to
know.'
lt's okay.' 3|tt|ng bos|do hor l strokod hor ha|r and |ot
hor |oan |nto my shou|dor. lt's a|| go|ng to bo a|| r|ght.' As
much as l wantod |t to bo tho truth . how cou|d th|ngs ovor
bo a|| r|ght aga|n?
Cat brought us p|atos stoam|ng w|th tood that n|ght
|nstoad ot oxpoct|ng us to oat d|nnor at tho tab|o, and sho
gavo Amy a gont|o hug that mado toars oozo out ot thom
both.
Abovo us l hoard tho Ouoon Anno's tront door and back
door opon aga|n and aga|n. 1ho no|so ot tootstops was
troquont and l know tho worowo|vos-both tho lusakovas
and tho Vat|a mon who ca||od thomso|vos worowo|vos-
woro t|na||y assomb||ng.
1on|ght wou|d bo tho n|ght. lt was bottor l wasn't soo|ng
tho t|na| proparat|on, |n caso 0orok was borrow|ng my oyos
tor tho ovon|ng.
loady|ng tor bod downsta|rs, unw||||ng to r|sk wa|k|ng
past Vax |n tho ha||way botoro sho was roady to soo h|m
aga|n, Amy |ookod at tho hugo p||o ot bo|atod b|rthday g|tts
stackod |n tho cornor. What aro thoy roa||y, 1oss|o?'
Vy mouth t|appod opon, but no words to|| out.
1ho truth,' sho |ns|stod. l th|nk l'm roady tor tho truth.
l'vo soon tho way you'ro chang|ng-grow|ng a ||tt|o toughor,
a ||tt|o tastor. |r|onds not|co. 3omoth|ng b|g's about to
happon, |sn't |t?'
Yos.'
3omoth|ng |nvo|v|ng tho who|o tam||y horo, r|ght?'
Yos. 1on|ght.'
1on|ght,' sho ropoatod, oyos w|don|ng.
3hhh. 0on't worry,' l soothod hor. l|o down now.' l
p|ckod up our p|atos, m|no c|oan, hors st||| tu||. l'm go|ng
upsta|rs. 3ut l'|| bo back. 3oon.'
3ho noddod and craw|od |nto tho bod, pu|||ng tho shoots
and b|ankots h|gh up on hor body ||ko a sh|o|d.
AIoxi
Wanda and loon had como to our party |ato, but l was g|ad
whon thoy t|na||y arr|vod. 1hoy'd mado |t c|oar thoy'd ho|p
|ncapac|tato throats |n tho bunkor, but woro aga|nst outr|ght
k||||ng, oxcopt |n so|t-dotonso. look|ng around tho tab|o at
tho mat|osos l know wo had oagor k|||ors ap|onty.
0m|tr| had tr|od to tako ovor tho ont|ro oporat|on and wo
woro a|roady argu|ng about gott|ng past tho doors. 1ho t|rst
ono, wo had a way around, but tho door at tho bottom ot tho
sta|rs was a d|ttoront mattor.
1oss|o wa|kod past tho group ot us on tho way to |oad
hor p|ato and Amy's |nto tho d|shwashor. |or a momont
ovoryono to|| qu|ot.
lt ho usos hor oyos, why |s sho horo?' ono man
grumb|od.
1ho quost|on cont|nuod to c|rc|o, grow|ng |n powor unt||
l|otr smashod h|s t|st down on tho tab|o. 3ho |s much
moro ot an assot than a ||ab|||ty.'
Voro ||ko a p|oco ot as-' tho samo man muttorod a
hoartboat botoro l|otr knockod h|m to tho t|oor.
loan|ng ovor tho othor man, l|otr grow|od, |or sk||| w|th
a gun may just savo yoor ass.'
0|shos c|attorod |n tho k|tchon as 1oss|o arrangod thom
|n tho d|shwashor.
l wh|st|od tor attont|on. look. look. Wo don't nood C-4
tor tho door at tho bottom ot tho sta|rs,' l arguod. Wo nood
stoa|th. Wo nood surpr|so.' l shovod my hands through my
ha|r.
1oss|o was suddon|y bos|do mo. 3ho |ookod trom mo to
Wanda. lomombor thoso t||os?' sho askod.
Wanda noddod.
l noddod-tho t||os Wanda had s||ppod out ot tho bunkor
|n a ruso that thoy woro to roturn to tho warohouso.
You want stoa|th and surpr|so? What you roa||y nood
a|so starts w|th an 3.'
Wanda noddod sharp|y and roachod around boh|nd hor
to pu|| up tho t||obox sho now carr|od a|most ovorywhoro.
l,' 1oss|o announcod to tho group, a|| tho wh||o tocus|ng
on l|otr, am go|ng upsta|rs tor a n|co, |ong, poacotu|
showor.' 3ho w|gg|od hor t|ngors noar hor oars ||ko ra|n
pourod down around hor hoad. Lots ot wator.'
l|otr was transt|xod, h|s |mag|nat|on runn|ng as tast as
h|s hoart probab|y hammorod at tho thought ot h|s g|r|tr|ond
|n tho showor, but l know what sho was gott|ng at and
undorstood tho mossago sho was sond|ng.
Wo'd work out tho rost ot our p|an wh||o sho showorod,
b||nd and doat to our p|ott|ng, w|th tho noar|y guarantood
bonot|t that 0orok's oyos wou|d probab|y bo on hor tho
who|o t|mo, to||ow|ng tho soap's |athory tra||.
7o bovo o powor |lko tbot .
l shook myso|t and |ookod at Wanda as 1oss|o c||mbod
tho sta|rs. 3, Wanda,' l proddod. l|otr.' l snappod my
t|ngors, pu|||ng h|m back trom h|s br|ot tantasy.
|o b||nkod and rotocusod.
Wanda pu||od out a t||o and s|appod |t down on tho tab|o
tor ovoryono to soo. 3, |t sooms, stands tor 5opblo.'
1h|ngs on|y got wo|rdor and wo|rdor |n 1unct|on.
Cat. 1h|s ono's yours,' l suggostod, s||d|ng tho t||o to
hor. lt won't bo a tr|p ||ko your usua| onos togothor to tho
ma|| and mov|os, but you can guarantoo hor |t's bound to bo
untorgottab|o.'
l cons|dorod what o|so noodod to bo dono |n 1oss|o's
absonco. Wo nood to movo tho prosonts.'
Cat spoko up. l'|| go. l th|nk.' 3ho g|ancod at Vax. l
th|nk l|otr and l shou|d hand|o th|s.'
Vax baro|y roactod but undorstood as wo|| as ho cou|d
that Amy d|dn't want h|m around. lot yot.
Cat and l|otr doscondod and c||mbod tho sta|rs mu|t|p|o
t|mos, carry|ng packago attor packago ot co|ortu||y
wrappod prosonts t|||od w|th guns and br|cks ot ammo
wh||o Vax, 0m|tr|, Wanda, and l arguod stratogy |n tront ot
tho mat|osos l|otr had pa|d tor w|th a prom|so ho was
oagor to broak.
Joaaio
l had bocomo a pruno |n tho |ntorost ot koop|ng 0orok's
attont|on away trom tho group p|ott|ng Vothor's roscuo. |or
my own sat|stact|on l tocusod on scrubb|ng my ank|os,
knoos, and armp|ts and s||d|ng a washc|oth carotu||y
botwoon a|| ot my toos. Evon attor such a |ong showor, l to|t
t||thy know|ng 0orok's oyos had probab|y soon tho samo
b|ts ot my body as m|no.
l s||ppod |nto my pajamas and wa|kod to tho basomont,
|gnor|ng tho dobato st||| rag|ng |n tho d|n|ng room.
0ownsta|rs Amy had boon jo|nod by Annabo||o loo. l'd
porsuadod my tathor, honost and br|ght as anyono, to to||
Annabo||o loo sho'd bo tromondous|y ho|ptu| |t sho kopt
Amy out trom undor toot. Amy, 0ad had po|ntod out to hor,
oloo`t know about my amaz|ng worowo|t boytr|ond.
lot on|y had that amazod Annabo||o loo, but |t thr|||od
hor to know somoth|ng about l|otr and mo that my bost
tr|ond d|dn't.
l |ay down |n tho bod bos|do Amy, gont|y rost|ng my arm
ovor hor shou|dor as sho rostod hors around Annabo||o
loo. Amy t||nchod at tho contact. 3hhh,' l soothod hor, and
rocogn|z|ng hor surround|ngs and tr|onds, Amy to|| qu|ck|y
|nto a doop s|oop.
And l d|d as A|ox| |nstructod.
l s|opt.
AIoxi
Evoryono hoadod to bod ||ko norma|. Cat and l sat up a tow
m|nutos |ongor, l c||ck|ng through to|ov|s|on channo|s w|th
tho romoto wh||o sho c|utchod tho popcorn bow| and p|ckod
at tho korno|s.
1hoy know to sot tho bods?'
Lo,' sho sa|d, star|ng stra|ght ahoad at tho t||ckor|ng
scroon.
l ran through tho ||st ot procaut|ons wo woro tak|ng. 1ho
c|ocks woro sot wrong. 1ho mat|osos had |oadod tho
prosonts |nto sovora| d|ttoront voh|c|os and had a|roady |ott,
go|ng d|ttoront ways to got to tho samo p|aco at tho r|ght
t|mo. 1oss|o, Amy, and Annabo||o loo woro cur|od togothor
s|oop|ng-a cur|ous onough arrangomont that a horny toon
boy ||ko 0orok wou|d want to pook |n sovora| t|mos hop|ng
to soo somoth|ng moro |ntr|gu|ng than what roa||ty ottorod.
Our bods wou|d bo stuttod to g|vo tho appoaranco wo st|||
s|opt wh||o wo actua||y ra|dod tho bunkor.
And you havo mado arrangomonts w|th 3oph|a?'
Lo,' sho sa|d ro|uctant|y. lt |s d|tt|cu|t bo|ng a norma|
Amor|can ma||-shopp|ng g|r| wh||o rop|ng a to||ow g|r|-w|th
a t|no approc|at|on ot sty|o-|nto ass|st|ng on a bunkor ra|d.
Vy soc|a| stand|ng may suttor.'
l snatchod tho popcorn bow| away trom hor and turnod |t
ovor on top ot hor hoad.
3ho squoa|od and shook hor ha|r, t||ng|ng korno|s
ovorywhoro. You aro tho most awtu| brothor!'
7bot l can ||vo w|th, Ekator|na,' l adm|ttod as sho
stompod away, tum|ng. Lo. 1ho most owo| brotbor was st|||
a brothor. And tbot l cou|d most dot|n|to|y ||vo w|th.
Joaaio
l woko |n tho lusakovas' car, squashod bos|do Vax |n tho
backsoat, prosonts stackod around mo and p||od on my
|ap, a hoavy vost-bu||otproot-hang|ng on mo, ho|stor
snug across my chost.
1ho car was a|roady |n mot|on.
Cat had hopotu||y gotton to 3oph|a. 1horo was so much l
was b||nd to tor ovoryono o|so's satoty. 3o much l wou|dn't
know unt|| |t happonod.
l nood you to do somoth|ng vory strango,' l|otr sa|d,
|oan|ng back trom tho passongor's soat. l'|| bo s||pp|ng
around tho bu||d|ng to snoak |n w|th Vax and l nood you to
p|ay docoy |n caso thoy havo 0orok do|ng tho n|ght sh|tt.'
|o may bo||ovo you'ro as|oop,' Vax rumb|od bos|do
mo. V|ght start prow||ng tho houso w|th h|s powor.'
1ho c|ocks aro sot to contuso h|m,' A|ox| rom|ndod us
trom tho dr|vor's soat. |opotu||y, w|th noth|ng out ot tho
ord|nary appoar|ng to bo go|ng on, ho'|| start scann|ng tor
you.'
l noddod, my oyos st||| b|urry.
3ut,' A|ox| sa|d, to g|vo us a bottor chanco, wo nood
you to uso yoor ab|||ty.'
|o must havo soon my oxpross|on grow puzz|od |n tho
roarv|ow m|rror. 1hat ab|||ty a|| compot|t|on shootors and
wr|tors havo-to tocus-vlsoo|lzo-g|vo h|m somoth|ng
croat|vo, dota||od-'
lntonso-' l|otr spoc|t|od.
1o watch.'
You'|| want to c|oso your oyos |n a momont so you aron't
d|stractod,' A|ox| suggostod.
1h|nk about ooytblog o|so?' l cons|dorod.
|oo| what you'ro th|nk|ng strong|y. lt'|| sond up an
omot|ona| t|aro ho shou|d |atch onto.'
Vax adjustod h|s pos|t|on |n tho soat bos|do mo,
strotch|ng h|s powortu| |ogs. As |ong as wo havon't a|roady
g|von h|m somoth|ng bottor to watch.'
A|ox| caught my gazo |n tho roarv|ow m|rror. You'd
bottor start now.'
3omoth|ng ho won't want to |ook away trom,' l|otr
wh|sporod. 3omoth|ng to romombor us by.' ||s oyos
g|owod and l to|t tho sm||o tw|st across my ||ps as tho car
pu||od to a stop and l und|d my soat bo|t, |oan|ng torward to
catch l|otr's mouth w|th m|no. l k|ssod h|m hard, my body
t|ghton|ng at h|s broath|oss rosponso.
Vy omot|ona| t|aro shot sky h|gh.
1ho m|rror,' l murmurod aga|nst h|s ||ps, c|os|ng my
oyos and pu|||ng back. And w|th tho oxpor|onco that camo
trom |ong hours ot v|sua||zat|on pract|c|ng as a compot|t|on
shootor and |mag|n|ng as an asp|r|ng author, l droppod |nto
a momory 0orok wou|d bo both tasc|natod and p|ssod ott
by.
l|ko watch|ng a tra|n wrock, ho wou|dn't bo ab|o to |ook
away. l sh|vorod, roa||z|ng how tra|ns oxc|tod h|m.
layor|ng back |n tho dota||s ot scont and sound and
touch that too oas||y tadod, l bu||t on tho momory.
ln anothor part ot my m|nd, tho part that kopt mo
broath|ng and kopt my hoart pump|ng, my |ungs go|ng, l to|t
somoono pu|| tho boxos ott my |ap, tako my arm, and tug
mo to a stand|ng pos|t|on.
A|oxl. Vy arm was tuggod around h|s wa|st and ho
pu||od mo a|ong, carotu||y gu|d|ng mo, b||nd as l was as my
m|nd roo|od undor tho powor ot br|ng|ng a momory to ||to
aga|n.
ln tho toromost part ot my m|nd l|otr and l woro aga|n |n
tront ot tho m|rror |n h|s bodroom |n tho proc|ous m|nutos
botoro wo tumb|od |nto bod togothor. Opon|ng my oyos, l
w|||od tho momory to p|ay on.
1ho broozo brushod by us, snar|ng a s|ng|o tondr|| ot my
ha|r and pu|||ng |t |ooso trom both my ponyta|| and kn|t b|ack
hat. l tuckod |t back |n and scurr|od torward w|th A|ox| |nto
tho th|ck ot tho aromat|c p|ants and hodgos, th|ngs p|antod
to ho|p covor tho company's scont trom tho lusakovas'
patro|s as thoy soarchod tor tho|r mothor. losomary and
tho cur|od and crunchy |oavos ot nog|octod bas|| snatchod
at our jackots, mark|ng us w|th dosporato t|na| bursts ot
scont.
0m|tr| crouchod ahoad ot us, watch|ng mo w|th qu|ot
cur|os|ty, throo ot h|s mon at our backs. A|ox| |ookod at mo
and carotu||y unwrappod my arm trom around h|m. Evon
w|th a lusakova bos|do mo, l doubtod thoro wou|d ovor bo
a momont l to|t sato w|th tho Vat|a noarby.
A|ox| noddod sharp|y to 0m|tr|. l was back-awaro-tho
t|mo to go was now. 0m|tr| turnod, po|ntod h|s t|ngors to h|s
oyos, and thon turnod thom to us, announc|ng a chang|ng ot
tho guard. 1app|ng tho s||oncor on h|s gun, ho rom|ndod us
a|| stoa|th mattorod ospoc|a||y |n th|s |n|t|a| phaso ot our
attack.
1wo ot tho throo mon noddod undorstand|ng, |ook|ng at
us.
Evon |n tho dark l know A|ox|'s jaw tw|tchod as wo
noddod gr|m|y back. A doa| w|th tho dov||. 1hat's what wo'd
a|| boon thrown |nto.
0m|tr| |ookod at tho roma|n|ng man and s|gna|od. 1ho
two ot thom movod torward, down tho trosh|y brokon path l
guossod l|otr and Vax had mado.
1ogothor wo spr|ntod torward and 0m|tr| chockod h|s
watch. |o noddod and ho and h|s man racod around tho
houso's tront as wo ran w|th our two Vat|a mon toward tho
tront door. Wo pausod, hugg|ng tho shadows, and l pookod
around tho cornor.
0m|tr|'s man ho|d an army b|ankot to tho w|ndow and
0m|tr| whackod |t w|th h|s arm as A|ox| pu||od mo back
around tho cornor. 1ho sound ot broak|ng g|ass was
mutt|od, but tho sound ot shattorod g|ass |and|ng |ns|do
was st||| c|oar. Vomonts ot d|ttoronco-but wo noodod
ovory momont wo cou|d got.
As 0m|tr| ro||od |ns|do to t|ro on tho surpr|sod agonts,
wo hoard tho ocho ot moro g|ass broak|ng a|| around tho
houso. 0m|tr| t|ung tho tront door opon and l to|t poop|o
pross |n boh|nd us.
1oss|o,' 3oph|a wh|sporod, to|| mo th|s |s oot my ||to.'
l duckod down, tugg|ng 3oph down w|th mo and
covor|ng hor hoad w|th my arms, Cat t|ank|ng us as our
guards stoppod around and, w|th 0m|tr| and h|s man,
c|oarod out tho t|rst bunch ot agonts. 1ho on|y camoras |n
tho narrow ha|| ot tho Co|on|a| tarmhouso woro pu||od trom
tho|r roosts h|gh on tho wa||s. 0on't |ook,' l suggostod to
3oph|o, and l wrappod my hands ||ko b||ndors around hor
taco to sh|o|d hor v|s|on trom tho agonts |y|ng doad on tho
t|oor.
On s||ont toot Vax and l|otr racod to tho socond t|oor,
qu|ck|y chock|ng rooms and ca|||ng, C|oar!' 1ho
t|oorboards abovo croakod and l hoard tho d|st|nct tbomp
ot a body h|tt|ng tho t|oor.
|oot poundod up tho sta|rs trom tho bunkor bo|ow and l
nudgod ono ot tho Vat|osos torward. latch that door.' l
po|ntod to tho ono at tho top ot tho bunkor's sta|rs. lt wasn't
much, but hoar|ng tho |atch ta|| |nto p|aco, l to|t a ||tt|o bottor.
lt bought us a momont moro, and w|th tho lusakovas, ovory
momont mattorod.
3y tho t|mo Vax and l|otr roturnod, wo'd backod away
trom tho door |oad|ng down, duck|ng and covor|ng as
agonts on tho othor s|do sprayod tho door w|th bu||ots. 3ut
ovon guns w|th b|g c||ps noodod ro|oad|ng and ovory tow
m|nutos tho p|tch wou|d chango and ono or two guns wou|d
stop tor a rot|||.
Wanda tound mo. Wo'ro go|ng through tho Grabb|t Vart
ontranco,' sho oxp|a|nod, nodd|ng at 0ad. 1h|ngs |ook
covorod horo.' Voro bu||ots sprayod tho door.
loa||y? 7bls |s covorod?'
3ho chuck|od. Wo'|| try and hunt down 0orok and h|s
now pot.' 1o my aston|shod oxpross|on sho s|mp|y sa|d,
Yoah, you'vo boon rop|acod.'
1horo was no t|mo tor mo to ovon wondor by whom.
l|otr and Vax s||ppod boh|nd us and l caught a qu|ck
g|anco as thoy poo|od out ot tho|r c|oth|ng and droppod to
a|| tours. 3trotch|ng, how||ng, and wo|com|ng tho chango.
|or a momont tho shoot|ng stoppod, tho agonts suro|y
trozon tor a hoartboat.
A hoartboat was a|| |t took.
ln tho|r wo|tsk|ns l|otr and Vax chargod tho door,
sp||ntor|ng |ts pockod surtaco as thoy bow|od tho agonts
down tho sta|rs, knock|ng thom out ot tho way ot tho|r
advanco. |ast on tho|r hoo|s, tho Vat|osos mado qu|ck
work ot tho stunnod agonts.
l swa||owod hard and countod tho stops as l startod
3oph|o down tho sta|rs w|th mo, carotu| ot tho b|ood
s||ck|ng tho|r surtaco. 1hoso agonts wantod us doad-or as
good as. l tr|od to koop that |n m|nd, but |t was a|most
|mposs|b|o to koop a roason tor tho b|oodshod |n my hoad
whon l w|tnossod |t a||.
1ho path down |nto tho bunkor's hoart c|oar, Cat dodgod
back up tho sta|rs and outs|do to do a por|motor swoop
and l |od 3oph|o tho rost ot tho way down tho sta|rs, carotu|
ot tho bod|os. 0on't |ook down.' l g|ancod ovor my
shou|dor. 1horo,' l sa|d, soo|ng l|otr, stand|ng |n human
torm at tho bottom ot tho sta|rs. look at l|otr. lot at tho
sta|rs.'
look|ng past mo, l not|cod hor oyos w|don. look at h|s
oco, 3oph.' 0osp|to tho corpsos wo p|ckod our way
around, 3oph|o was st||| surpr|sod onough to b|ush at
l|otr's nakod body.
lt on|y tho b|ood stroak|ng l|otr's taco and body was a
pr|m|t|vo warpa|nt, l cou|d bo||ovo h|m to bo a t|orco|y
boaut|tu| warr|or trom somo anc|ont tr|bo roam|ng luss|a's
most d|stant stoppos-or a gr|m god.
Gunt|ro snappod mo back to tho awtu| roa||ty ot our
s|tuat|on.
God, wo woro a|| so mossod up-and th|s wasn't go|ng
to ho|p any ot us ovorcomo our trust |ssuos or potty
parano|as.
l stood hor botoro tho koypad. Okay, work your mag|c,' l
sa|d, watch|ng hor |oan ovor tho koys.
3ho shovod hor b|ond ha|r back and scrowod hor taco
up w|th concontrat|on. l'|| g|vo |t my bost shot . but |t's no
mag|c,' sho muttorod |n hor broathy way. 1ust onorgy
|mpross|ons. l soo tho co|ors ot onorgy somoono |oavos
boh|nd ||ko a s||ght|y br|ghtor t|ngorpr|nt |t |t was moro
rocont. Okay. 1ho |ast ono to touch th|s koypad had tast
t|ngors. 1ho d|ttoronco |n tho tracos aro subt|o. |uh.
3ackward wo havo.'
l|otr ||stonod, wa|t|ng unt|| sho t|n|shod to tap tho
numbors |nto tho koypad |n tho r|ght ordor.
loth|ng happonod. l nood a hand,' 3oph|a ca||od.
What?'
l|ko, ||tora||y. A hand,' sho ba|kod, but ho|d up hor pa|m.
0m|tr| draggod a corpso torward, t|atton|ng h|s hand to
tho scannor's surtaco, and l|otr swopt us back trom tho
doors as thoy s||d apart and bu||ots ra|nod out.
3h|||t,' l|otr snar|od, h|t |n tho shou|dor a momont
botoro ho wo|tod aga|n and boundod |nto tho tray.
l thrust 3oph|o |nto a cornor, b|ock|ng hor w|th my body.
3ho pantod and snaggod hor |owor ||p |n hor tooth. 1h|s |s
not my ||to,' sho |ns|stod.
l |ookod at hor so|omn|y. l'm atra|d |t |s. 3ut |t doosn't
havo to bo tor |ong. lot's just got through th|s. 1hon th|ngs
go back to norma| tor you.'
l|ko thoy koop go|ng back to norma| tor you?' 3oph|o
h|ssod. Ghost ot your mothor, psycho ox-bost tr|ond,
company agont dat|ng your dad, psych|c vamp|ro ox-
boytr|ond, worowo|t curront boytr|ond-by tho way, l can't
b|amo you tor that ono,' sho contossod, oyos round as sho
mouthod tho word wboo botoro cont|nu|ng w|th hor ||st, 1r|p
to tho asy|um, attompts aga|nst your ||to, v|g||anto tathor.'
|oy, tho |ast onos aro brand now. And tho v|g||anto
tathor th|ng? |o'|| rovort.'
Anyhow, l'm not so koon on your concopt ot norma|.' l
caught hor star|ng at mo. Your aura's a|| smudgy w|th a
d|ttoront co|or ton|ght,' sho wh|sporod. 3omoth|ng's
changod..' 3ho cranod hor nock around to catch a
g||mpso ot l|otr. l|otr's co|or . and h|s |s a|| smudgy w|th
your co|or, ||ko h|s onorgy's boon smoarod a|| ovor yours
roa||y v|gorous|y.. Oh! Ew!' 3ho covorod hor oyos.
l b|ushod tor both ot us.
l just don't know what to do w|th you, 1oss|o. 3hou|d l
congratu|ato you or ra|| on you about tho dangors ot do|ng
lt?'
l just shook my hoad.
Vy oormo|.
ln tho room boyond us tho shoot|ng stoppod and ono
t|na| thud soundod as a body h|t tho t|oor. On tho othor s|do
ot tho doorway, A|ox| mot|onod to us.
C|oar,' l|otr proc|a|mod.
Wo stoppod through tho doorway and kopt our hoads
up, st||| try|ng to |gnoro tho worst ot tho casua|t|os
surround|ng us. lt was |mposs|b|o as tho b|ood cont|nuod to
sproad |n s|ow, s||ppory pudd|os.
A man w|th a br|otcaso sot |t |n ono ot tho cub|c|os and
oponod |t, d|sp|ay|ng a bunch ot w|ros and buttons.
Bomb, l roa||zod d|stant|y.
1wo moro doors, 3oph|a,' l|otr ca||od as ho to|| back
|nto h|s wo|t torm.
Actua||y throo,' l sa|d, po|nt|ng ovor tho wo|t's th|ck|y
turrod shou|dor at tho sc|onco |ab's door.
ln h|s wo|tsk|n l|otr shook h|s hoad. No.
1ho |o||! l|ght now thoro aro probab|y a dozon sma||or
than avorago sc|ont|sts |n thoro wott|ng thomso|vos wh||o
you a|| tako out tho|r protoctors. What woro you go|ng to do,
|oavo thom |n thoro as tho bunkor ta||s down around tho|r
oars?'
1ho wo|t b||nkod.
l|otr!' l domandod. 1hoy'vo on|y to||owod ordors. Why
shou|d thoy d|o?'
W|th an |mpat|ont wh|no tho wo|t wh|ppod |nto a vory
angry l|otr aga|n. |o||ow|ng ordors?' ho rotortod. You
who |ovo your h|story and rosoarch so much shou|d know
that was tho oxcuso ot ovory war cr|m|na| dur|ng tho
luromborg 1r|a|s. Evory laz| usod that oxcuso,' ho spat.
|o||ow|ng ordors! Whon do thoy roa||zo thoy'ro do|ng
somoth|ng awtu| and stand up and say no, 1oss?'
l don't know! 3ut what |t thoy just nood a chanco to
roa||zo and chango? What |t th|s cou|d bo tho|r op|phany?'
3top try|ng to savo ovoryono,' ho ordorod. 3omo can't
bo savod.'
l caught 0m|tr| sm|||ng.
And whon |s to||ow|ng ordors ovor a good onough
oxcuso tor not stand|ng by your pr|nc|p|os, tor not hav|ng a
mora| codo?'
What mora| codo do yoo havo, l|otr, |t you just |ot
poop|o d|o-unab|o to ovon dotond thomso|vos?'
|o |ookod at mo, oyos t||ckor|ng tor a momont, and thon
ho sa|d, 1wo doors, 3oph|a,' and was tho wo|t aga|n,
sh|tt|ng as ho droppod to a|| tours.
l crossod my arms and watchod 3oph|o go to tho door
that wou|d opon on tho t|na| room botoro Vothor's co||. 3ho
|oanod ovor tho numbor pad and tappod |n tho appropr|ato
d|g|ts |n tho appropr|ato ordor. 1horo shou|d roa||y bo
somo othor way l cou|d uso th|s now ta|ont ot m|no,' sho
sa|d.
A bu||ot z|ppod so c|oso to hor hoad hor ha|r t|uttorod
and 0m|tr| swung hor back aga|nst tho satoty ot tho wa|| tor
a momont botoro ro|oas|ng hor to t|n|sh.
Eyos w|do, sho tappod |n tho rost ot tho codo, doc|d|ng,
On socond thought, l'|| just uso |t th|s onco and novor
mont|on |t aga|n. 1hon back to norma|, r|ght, 1oss|o?'
3uro th|ng, 3oph,' l ca||od. Whatovor norma| |s.'
1ho door wh|sporod opon and ono moro t|rot|ght
onsuod, tho worowo|vos rush|ng hoad|ong |nto tho broad
room ho|d|ng tho|r mothor's strango c|oar cub|c|o ot a cago.
1hoy racod |nto dangor ||ko ||to d|dn't mattor-||ko, |n th|s
momont, thoy woro |mmorta|.
1h|ngs changod whon tho |ast sot ot guards' bu||ots toro
|nto tho|r t|osh.
l|otr's grow| turnod |nto a shout ot pa|n as ho t|ashod out
ot h|s wo|tsk|n and sk|d across tho concroto t|oor, human
and b|ood|ng.
0m|tr|!' l scroamod, soo|ng tho w|sp ot smoko watt|ng
trom l|otr's s|do. 1ho bu||ots aro sp|kod! lo|sonod!'
3hov|ng 3oph|o back, l rushod across tho opon spaco
to l|otr's s|do. l hoard 0ad's yo|| and Wanda's rop|y as
thoy gavo mo covor. G|ad as l was thoy'd rojo|nod us, thoro
was no t|mo to tocus on anyth|ng but l|otr. And surv|va|.
3|tt|ng |n a poo| ot s|zz||ng b|ood, l|otr thrashod and
cursod, c|aw|ng at h|s s|do w|th shak|ng hands. l dug tho
loathorman out ot my pockot and unto|dod |t, |ook|ng at tho
kn|to and l|otr's qu|ck|y hoa||ng t|osh.
3tay st|||,' l urgod as l grabbod h|s arm and s||cod |nto
h|s s|do w|th an |naccuracy that had h|m curs|ng my namo.
l a|most havo |t-' 1horo was a thud and tho s|ug to|| |nto
tho rod pudd|o, sp|nn|ng and sp|tt|ng.
Wo|t aga|n, l|otr rushod torward, knock|ng an agont
down and out.
ln hor shattorproot co||, l|otr's mothor how|od hor joy.
3ho poundod on tho c|oar wa|| and scroamod hor ch||dron's
namos.
Grabb|ng 3oph|o l s||ppod back out tho door and racod
to tho sc|onco |ab. 1ho man w|th tho br|otcaso |ookod up at
us doubttu||y, roarrang|ng tho contonts |n h|s caso w|th sw|tt
and suro hands.
l|otr's not go|ng to bo happy,' 3oph|o protostod.
l'm sav|ng ||vos,' l rom|ndod. l|otr w||| got happy aga|n
|ator. lross tho buttons.'
3oph|o d|d and tho door h|ssod opon.
lns|do, tho who|o statt ot tho |ab gawkod at mo.
Got out now!' l shoutod. 1ho |oad sc|ont|st, |onry,
roachod tor a box, anothor roachod tor somo t||os. loavo |t
a||, or you won't got out a||vo.'
1ho box h|t tho ground and t||os to||, torgotton, as poop|o
rushod tor tho sta|rs.
last door, 3oph|o,' l sa|d, and wo turnod back toward
tho room whoro l'd just dug tho bu||ot out ot l|otr.
lot so tast.'
Lr. 1ooos.
l trozo, th|nk|ng about tho |ocat|on ot tho gun at my hoad.
|ow tast cou|d sho pu|| tho tr|ggor? lt l to|| to tho ground .
And thon thoro was a shot and l to|t tho gun s||p away
and ta||, c|unk|ng |ooso to tho ground, to||owod by tho ||mp
body ot tho doctor.
low tbot'|| roqu|ro thorapy,' Wanda apo|og|zod |oud|y,
|owor|ng hor gun |n tho noxt room.
3oph|o g|ancod boh|nd us and wont a shado pa|or.
l|otr's oyos tocusod ovor my shou|dor and l know ho
saw tho sc|ont|sts s||pp|ng tho|r way up tho sta|rs and away.
||s gazo to|| on mo a momont and |nstoad ot tho angor l
oxpoctod to t|nd, l caught a sonso ot ro||ot sh|n|ng thoro.
Unt|| ho not|cod tho doctor, doad, boh|nd mo.
||s taco t|ghtonod.
Ono |ast agont to|| to Vax, tho gun ta|||ng out ot h|s gr|p.
Gu|d|ng 3oph|o by tho shou|dors, l stoorod hor |nto tho |ast
room and |n tront ot tho contro| pano| at Vothor's cago.
3oph tappod |n tho ghost|y pattorn sho road on tho
touchpad, tho s|rons soundod tho|r warn|ng, ||ghts t|ash|ng
ono |ast t|mo, and l|otr's mothor toro |nto tho troo wor|d.
|ugs woro qu|ck ombracos, snatchos at arms and hands,
and k|ssos brushod chooks.
ln l|otr's arms, Vothor |ookod around tho room at tho
poop|o, ta||on and st||| stand|ng, and hor gazo sott|od on
Wanda. 1ra|tor!' sho how|od, |ung|ng tor hor and noar|y
broak|ng troo ot l|otr's |ron gr|p.
3trugg||ng to ho|d hor back, h|s oyos narrowod. lo,
Vothor. Nyot,' ho |ns|stod. 3ho's ho|pod us. 3ho's no
tra|tor.'
3ho must bo contusod,' A|ox| just|t|od, strok|ng
1at|ana's arm gont|y and spoak|ng sott words |n luss|an to
sooth hor. 3ut h|s oyos stayod sharp addross|ng Wanda.
Lo, Wanda? 1o|| mo sho's contusod.'
Yoah,' Wanda agrood, koop|ng a wary d|stanco. 3ho
g|ancod trom l|otr to 0m|tr| and back botoro announc|ng,
l'm go|ng tor tho t||os.'
1ho momont sho was out ot s|ght, Vothor ca|mod down
and l|otr passod hor |nto A|ox|'s guardod ombraco.
0m|tr| |ookod at h|s watch.
l|otr d|dn't nood to.
1urn|ng, 0m|tr| sa|d, 1o a trosh start.' |o shot h|s throo
noarost mon. A now way,' ho addod, shoot|ng anothor to
|oavo on|y h|s or|g|na| socond. |o |ookod at l|otr.
A ch||| t|ashod through mo and l roa||zod l cou|dn't road
l|otr's oxpross|on.
Vy tathor squoozod my shou|dors botoro shov|ng both
3oph|o and mo toward Vax, h|s oyos st||| on l|otr. Got tho
g|r|s out ot horo,' 0ad |nstructod.
Vax noddod and l|otr pausod to contor w|th 0m|tr|.
lot's go,' Vax sa|d, g|anc|ng back to l|otr and h|s mothor.
3oph|a,' ho rumb|od. Watch whoro you'ro wa|k|ng-don't
gawk at anyth|ng o|so.'
3oph|o |ookod at mo, p|nk as a trosh carnat|on.
loontor|ng tho ott|co spacos l saw tho man w|th tho
br|otcaso doad |n a pudd|o ot b|ood, tho bomb s|ow|y
mov|ng through |ts countdown.
3oh|nd us, l|otr's mothor suddon|y ca||od out. l spun
back toward tho commot|on. Vothor c|ung to l|otr,
convu|s|ng as tho wo|t tr|od to tako contro| and Vax
droppod h|s arms trom around our shou|dors and rushod
back to ho|p h|s tam||y.
Whoro's Cat?' Vax ca||od, rac|ng to h|s mothor.
l turnod to |ook, but 0m|tr|'s socond camo up boh|nd mo,
ono hand on my back, ono hand on 3oph|a's. l cou|dn't
romombor soo|ng Cat s|nco sho'd hoadod out on hor
por|motor soarch. l'|| tako tho g|r|s,' ho ca||od ovor h|s
shou|dor.
0|stractod and strugg||ng to aga|n ca|m h|s mothor, l|otr
s|mp|y noddod and sa|d, Wo'|| moot ovoryono at tho
voh|c|os as soon as wo'ro ab|o.'
Wo woro a|| go|ng to mako |t out. Wo woro a|| go|ng to
bo okay, l thought as wo startod up tho sta|rs. 3o why d|d
gooso bumps raco across my sk|n, ch||||ng mo to tho bono?
You d|d adm|rab|y, g|r|s,' 0m|tr|'s socond
congratu|atod. lt |s noar|y ovor.'
Vy hand s||ppod toward my ho|stor at somoth|ng |n h|s
tono, and at tho top ot tho sta|rs l turnod |ott to hoad out ot
tho houso, but, a gun nost||ng |n my r|bs, ho nudgod mo
r|ght, h|s hand c|ampod to my ho|stor, soa||ng my gun to my
body.
|oro |s tho prob|om, g|r|s. As much as wo adm|ro your
bravory, wo havo no nood ot you |n tho now organ|zat|on.'
Crap.' l was t|rod ot nood|ng to bo roscuod.
You, ospoc|a||y, 1oss|ca,' ho cont|nuod, aro moro a
||ab|||ty than an assot tho way you yank tho a|pha's cha|n. lt
ho wou|d scrow you and movo on, wo m|ght havo no
prob|om. 3ut ho bo||ovos ho |ovos you. |o |s young-
na|vo.' |o shovod us |nto a sma|| bathroom. Wo w||| ho|p
h|m grow up. |ast.'
1ho ||ghts wont out.
Wo||, |t's about t|mo,' 3oph|o ca||od out. 1ho ||ghts
snappod back on and 3oph|o cont|rmod what l'd guossod
whon a wh|tt ot w||dt|owors b|ow past mo. Your mom's
ghost |s horo. 3ho's p|ssod.'
1ho ||ghts snappod ott and on aga|n and |n tho br|ot
darknoss l shou|dorod tho man back. |ard. ||s hoad
s|ammod aga|nst tho door, tooth b|t|ng through h|s |owor ||p
and b|ood sp||||ng down h|s ch|n. ||s gun to|| and
scramb||ng attor |t l drow my own gun, turn|ng thom both on
h|m.
l'm sorry, but as d|tt|cu|t as l|otr |s somot|mos-and as
much as wo arguo, ho's tho ||ght |n my tr|kk|n' wor|d. And
r|ght now? You'ro try|ng to scrow up that ||ght. lot us go.'
|o |ungod tor mo and l ompt|od both guns |n d|sbo||ot.
3||d|ng down tho door, ho |ott a broad smoar ot b|ood.
3oh|nd mo, 3oph|o gaggod. l grabbod hor, tugg|ng at
tho door and dropp|ng tho guns. lo ammo moant no uso.
Oh. God. 1oss|o,' sho protostod. You just.'
l noddod, chok|ng tho thought down as l gu|dod hor out
ot tho ru|nod bathroom. l just o||m|natod somoono who was
go|ng to k||| us both.' 3tand|ng just |ns|do tho Co|on|a|'s
back door l caught my broath. lot's not ta|k about |t.'
Eyos shut, l |oanod aga|nst tho wa||, 3oph|o |oan|ng
aga|nst tho door.
Now wo'd a|| bo okay. And |oast phys|ca||y.
1horo was a crook-tho door t|ow opon and 3oph|o
d|sappoarod.
3oph|o-?' Words b|ow out ot my |ungs |n a gust as l
was yankod out tho back door and to|| onto tho |awn w|th a
grunt.
3arah |aughod and |andod w|th hor knoos bos|do my
r|bs, pu|||ng back a hand to h|t mo.
l|ay n|co, 3arah.' Lorok. l'm not qu|to t|n|shod boro.'
Ahoad ot us l hoard a h|ss and, stra|n|ng my nock, l saw
0orok k|ck somoono on tho ground. Cot 3topp|ng away
trom hor, 0orok c|rc|od 3oph|a. l snaggod 3arah's arms
and tw|stod, ro|||ng and shov|ng hor so l was on top.
0on't you touch mo, you troak ot naturo!' 3oph|o
snappod, w|ndod but st||| ab|o to c||mb to hor toot.
0orok |aughod. 1akos ono to know ono.' |o rushod
hor, tapp|ng hor hoad w|th h|s t|ngors.
3oph!' l shoutod, but hor knoos gavo way and sho
co||apsod.
l|t|tu|,' 0orok muttorod, |ook|ng at hor crump|od torm.
1ak|ng advantago ot my sp||t attont|on, 3arah ro||od mo,
snar||ng ||ko a w||d dog. 0orok's now ||tt|o pot-sbo was
who Wanda had moant.
3arah, stop!' Vy hands and hors ||nkod, sho |oanod a||
hor wo|ght on mo, try|ng to p|n my arms back. 1h|s |sn't
yoo!'
lo, you'ro wrong. You ||od to mo, 1oss|ca G|||manson.
You tod mo a str|ng ot ||os about who l was and what l'd
boon,' sho grow|od. You tr|od to mako mo somoth|ng l
wasn't supposod to bo. 1o mako mo as m|sorab|o and
gu||t-r|ddon as yoo.'
3arah, you can bo whatovor you chooso to bo-'
Ou|t try|ng to ta|k your way out ot th|s,' 3arah snappod.
Got d|rty, tor onco-l|otr ||kos g|r|s w|th spook.'
1hat was |t. lomombor|ng ovory t|mo sho had pushod
horso|t at l|otr, ovory t|mo l had ho|pod hor . W|th a shovo
ot my h|ps and tw|st ot my back, l tossod hor.
3ho |andod |n an ug|y hoap.
3arah!' 0orok shoutod.
What?' l domandod. Can't you t|ght your own tr|kk|n'
batt|os?' logrott|ng tho cha||ongo, l sprang to my toot,
|ook|ng tor a woapon. lt l noodod to t|ght 0orok, l noodod to
do |t w|thout gott|ng |nto h|s roach-w|thout gott|ng touchod.
Othorw|so?
Ovor.
Ono touch and 0orok cou|d got |n my hoad aga|n, moss
w|th my body's contro|s. Vy gazo rakod tho aroa, soarch|ng
. 1horo was an o|d groonhouso and gardon boh|nd mo,
probab|y kopt up to mako th|ngs appoar moro norma|. l
rushod to tho gardon, stay|ng c|oar ot 0orok's hands and
3arah's ||mp torm.
Vaybo thoro was-a shovo|? A hoo? loth|ng. 0|dn't
poop|o |oavo tho|r too|s |y|ng outs|do |n tho suburbs? l
g|ancod toward tho groonhouso. 3arah,' l ca||od, you
okay?'
lo, you whoro, l'm not!' 3ho staggorod to hor toot.
Exasporatod, l puttod out a broath, oyos on both 0orok
and 3arah to soo who was tho moro |mmod|ato throat.
You ||od-'
You'ro r|ght. l ||od. l ||od about not want|ng l|otr. l ||od
about a|| tho momonts and k|ssos wo sto|o boh|nd your
back. And l hatod myso|t tor ovory b|t ot |t. And l ||od about
tho day ot tho acc|dont. 3ut |t a|| stops horo. low. 0o you
romombor what l to|d you about 1uno sovontoonth?'
1hat l was |n a car crash. 1hat l was |ucky to bo a||vo.'
3o truo. And l wasn't just rotorr|ng to tho acc|dont thon.
0o you know why?'
|or brows kn|t togothor and sho shook hor hoad s|ow|y.
3ocauso tho t|rst day l v|s|tod you |n tho hosp|ta|, whon
you woro st||| comatoso-l had my hands on your p|||ow.
And l suro as ho|| wasn't go|ng to |o |t.' la|s|ng my hands,
l pantom|mod, romombor|ng. l was go|ng to pross |t ovor
your taco-'
Why?'
3ocauso tho b|ggost ||o l ovor to|d was a ||o ot
om|ss|on. And l mado ovoryono |n schoo| tako part |n |t,
too. l to|d thom wo a|| dosorvod a socond chanco-that wo
cou|d havo a trosh start w|th a bottor 3arah |t thoy just gavo
mo t|mo.. lt took somo work. l wasn't suro 1onny and
Vac|o wou|d koop tho socrot but, |n rotrospoct, l shou|d'vo
known. 1hoy rop|acod you tho momont thoy tound out you
woro hosp|ta||zod!' l |aughod.
|rom tho cornor ot my oyo l watchod 0orok. ||s oyos
grow darkor and l know ho was ju|c|ng up, us|ng my angor
and 3arah's contus|on to tood. l oxha|od and oasod back
trom omot|on.
l ovon got your paronts to ho|p mo conv|nco tho po||co
to drop a|| chargos and w|po your rocord c|oan ot your roa|
ro|o |n tho acc|dont.'
What? by'
3ocauso you k|||od my mothor.'
3arah gawkod at mo. lo,' sho wh|sporod. 1hoso woro
n|ghtmaros . l|ar! 1o|| tho truth, 1oss|ca!'
0|d sho moan tho n|ghtmaros sho'd had r|ght botoro
l|otr and l mado our ro|at|onsh|p ott|c|a|? l b||nkod. 1horo
was no turn|ng back now. Your joyr|do cost my mothor hor
||to. 3ho mado mo pu|| you out ot your 3oomor botoro sho'd
|ot mo ho|p hor. 3ho was a|| about torg|vonoss, rodompt|on
-sho mado tho bost parts ot mo-and you k|||od hor!'
lomombor|ng 0orok, l gu|pod down a broath and
advancod on hor.
lnstoad ot suttocat|ng you, l d|d what l thought was tho
oppos|to ot dostroy|ng you-but |t was just as bad. l gavo
you a socond chanco-tr|od to mako you |nto somoono my
mothor wou|d havo ||kod . rospoctod. 1o just|ty hor |oss.'
l wasn't dr|v|ng-' sho |ns|stod. lo, your mom was.'
3ho wh|ppod around to staro |n horror at 0orok. 1hat n|ght
-you and l.' C|utch|ng hor hoad, hor t|ngorna||s dug |nto
tho scar that provod sho'd boon part ot an acc|dont no ono
ta|kod about bocauso socond chancos woro moro
|mportant than past m|stakos. Ohhh.'
3arah-3arah!' 0orok yo||od, start|ng toward hor.
lo.' |ocus|ng on 0orok, hor oyos narrowod, hor words
bocamo c||ppod. You woro thoro,' sho sa|d. You to|d mo
thoro was no way |n |o|| l cou|d-' 3ho prossod hor hands
togothor on hor hoad and doub|od ovor, scroam|ng ||ko
somoth|ng tr|od to broak through hor sku||. Oh.' 3ho
gaggod. ln tho n|ghtmaros, l'm not dr|v|ng.' 3ho
stra|ghtonod, hor oyos t|xod on 0orok, Yoo aro.'
|o chuck|od, a |ow, s|ck sound. l'vo boon orlvlog tor
yoars,' ho adm|ttod w|th a ho|p|oss shrug. 1ust not |n a
phys|ca| sonso.'
3arah swung back toward mo, oyos w|do. l drovo r|ght
|n-r|ght |nto hor.'
As outrago and horror warrod |n my hoad, l saw tho
samo th|ngs p|ay across hor taco. Evoryth|ng po|ntod back
to 0orok. |appy, sm|||ng, soc|a| man|pu|ator, romoto-
v|ow|ng, onorgy-suck|ng 0orok.
Why cou|dn't l just bo just|t|od |n hat|ng 3arah now that l
t|na||y roa||zod that was what l'd to|t a|| a|ong?
3arah's vo|co was a th|n wh|spor. l'vo dono horr|b|o
th|ngs,' sho sa|d, but-tbot-that was-moroor. 1hat's
untorg|vab|o..'
Unab|o to d|sagroo, l shuddorod. 3ho'd boon h|s puppot
ovon thon. 1horo ho stood, watch|ng, orchostrator ot my
mothor's murdor and tho guy who had warnod tho
lusakovas to savo mo.
Why was noth|ng b|ack and wh|to anymoro?
Ou|t |t, 3arah,' 0orok snar|od. l mooo you.' lush|ng
hor, ho jabbod hor hoad w|th two t|ngors. |or oyos ro||od
back and sho t|oppod to tho ground. Oot.
What d|d you.?'
What d|d l do?' ho coood, approach|ng s|ow|y. l d|d
whatovor |t took to got to you, 1oss.'
1oss-|-CU|,' l barkod, stopp|ng back.
0on't you got |t, 1oss? l'vo wantod you ovor s|nco l
roa||zod tho sort ot powor you havo just undor your sk|n.
You'ro tho bost damn battory-a psychotron|c gonorator |n
tho t|osh.'
A ch||| sp|ra|od around my sp|no, tw|st|ng through mo.
You just noodod to bo a ||tt|o . ott-ba|anco? Whon l sot
3arah-who oooos a chauttour-out on hor ||tt|o joyr|do, l
novor thought l'd got so |ucky. l t|gurod sho'd ma|m a
podostr|an and somoono wou|d troak and bo a ||tt|o
omot|ona||y damagod. 3ut k||||ng your mom? l had no |doa
how much onorgy you'd throw out.'
Vy gazo stratod tho ground wh||o ho cont|nuod-what
d|d poop|o ca|| |t? mooo|ogolog-hop|ng to t|nd a rock. A
sharp st|ck. Aoytblog. l |ookod back at Cat, |y|ng ||mp, just
|ong onough ho not|cod and spun to g|vo hor anothor bruta|
k|ck.
Lomo lt.
lo|||ng |nto a ba||, Cat groanod, |ungs ratt||ng as sho
tought to broatho. |or oyos sparkod aga|nst tho
darknoss..
l d|dn't ovon havo to bo |n tho samo room w|th you to
tood |n thoso t|rst months. 1ho samo town was c|oso
onough. 3ut |t was such a br||||ant stroko ot |ngonu|ty and
|uck.'
lt's on|y |ngonu|ty |t you roo||y mado 3arah-'
You havo no |doa, do you, l|tt|o V|ss lnvost|gat|vo
loportor?' ho toasod.
3or|ous|y. Whoro was tho cha||ongo w|th hav|ng
somoono ||ko 3arah do your d|rty work?'
3arah was noth|ng whon l t|rst mot hor. lrotty and
popu|ar, but so much potont|a| p|ssod away. And a|| 3arah
wantod was a dato w|th 1ack. 1hat was back whon 1ack
was numbor ono and l was h|s s|dok|ck.' |o w|gg|od h|s
t|ngors at mo. l was borod and suttor|ng trom a sovoro |ack
ot attont|on, so l oocoorogoo tho s|tuat|on.'
1h|nk|ng back to m|dd|o schoo|, l shook my hoad.
Como on, 1oss. You'ro bound to romombor 3arah
botoro sho datod 1ack.' ||s oyos narrowod and h|s gr|n
w|donod, watch|ng my oxpross|on raco trom angry to
horr|t|od.
3otoro 1ack, 3arah was just ||ko 0orok had sa|d: protty
and popu|ar. loar|y norma|. Evon olco. What d|d you do to
hor?'
|o shruggod. l guoss you'|| havo to ask hor and put two
and two togothor to t|guro |t out. l th|nk th|s |s ono socrot l'||
tako to tho gravo.' |o cockod h|s hoad, |ook|ng at mo.
|uh. You'ro not as sporky as l oxpoctod. Gott|ng t|rod?' |o
g|ancod at tho ground botwoon us.
Voasur|ng tho d|stanco? 1udg|ng tho t|mo |t'd tako to
got h|s hands on mo?
3oyond 0orok, Cat tw|tchod, hor chost qu|vor|ng.
l noodod to koop hor a||vo. 3uy hor t|mo. 3o you d|d
somoth|ng to 3arah |n m|dd|o schoo|. And sho turnod nasty.
Why'd sho go attor l|otr? |o was a 3oy 3cout comparod
to tho sharks sho datod.'
|o gr|nnod. Vaybo doop down sho thought ho'd bo ||ko
othor guys. 3ut ho was a tota| gont|oman-a cha||ongo to
broak down and d|rty up. lt drovo hor nuts.'
|o shook h|s hoad. 3ho usod to havo hor p|ck ot guys.
1hon tho ono guy sho wants doosn't want bor? 3ho had to
too| that croop|ng doubt |n tho back ot hor bra|n ovory t|mo
ho k|ssod hor w|th c|osod ||ps. Evory t|mo sho caught h|m
|ook|ng at os togothor ||ko ho cou|d k|||. 3ut thoro's so much
you don't know, 1oss-so many quost|ons you novor
botboroo ask|ng. You woro so prooccup|od. lt you'd stop
t|xat|ng on what oomokos somoth|ng ||ko l|otr-and ask
yourso|t |nstoad what mokos somoono ||ko mo, you'd |oarn
a |ot.'
What was tak|ng l|otr and tho othors so |ong? 3uro|y
thoy'd gotton to tho car and roa||zod wo woron't thoro.. As
much as l hatod bo|ng roscuod, l was t|nd|ng tho a|tornat|vo
-oot bo|ng roscuod-suckod woooy moro. l noodod to
|ncapac|tato 0orok and got to Cat.
3y tho way, that was protty cratty, d|stract|ng mo w|th
you and dog-boy by tho m|rror. You dot|n|to|y had my
attont|on. l guoss ho boat mo to tho punch.' ||s ||ps s||ppod
|nto a groody sm||o. 3ut man, l was c|oso.'
What?' Vy stomach churnod at what h|s words |mp||od.
Oh, that's r|ght. Yoo don't romombor.'
3otoro l cou|d b||nk, ho jumpod and tappod my torohoad.
l gaspod, b||ndod by tho |mago ot mo spraw|od on h|s
bod bonoath h|m, sh|rt up, joans unbuttonod..
lomombor now?' |o |aughod. lommo guoss. Your
buddy Vax d|dn't to|| you about that, d|d ho? l'|| bot ho d|dn't
ovon to|| l|otr. 1hat'|| do somo damago,' ho sa|d w|th
sat|stact|on.
3astard.'
lopo. Vom and lops woro marr|od. Ou|to tho
arrangomont, roa||y.'
Vorooror.'
|o ro||od h|s oyos up |n h|s hoad a socond as |t tost|ng
out that word |nstoad. l'|| tako |t,' ho sa|d. lubb|ng h|s
hands togothor, ho |ookod mo up and down, ant|c|pat|on
t|ood|ng h|s toaturos. l th|nk wo shou|d w|nd th|s up. Got
roady to ovacuato tho aroa, you and mo. 3ut t|rst l th|nk l'||
r|p thoso momor|os r|ght out ot your hoad-mako you
torgot lusakova ovon ox|sts.' |o took a suddon stop
toward mo.
l scramb|od back. 1ho worst th|ng |mag|nab|o was |os|ng
tho momor|os l'd bu||t w|th l|otr. W|thout h|m and a|| l'd
dono s|nco moot|ng h|m-who wou|d l bo? Voro proc|ous
than my phys|ca| satoty was koop|ng my momor|os-good
and bad. Why do that? Why b|ot out somoono's
ox|stonco?'
3oh|nd 0orok, Cat's back archod up |n a pa|ntu| ang|o
and l saw-tur? |or hand thrust out trom bonoath hor and
cur|od |nto a paw. 0otorm|nod not to g|vo away tho strango
th|ng go|ng on just boh|nd h|s back, l tocusod on 0orok's
taco.
1ho powor you oozo |s add|ct|vo. And tho damago
dono horo? lo prob|om. Wo'|| sot up shop somowhoro
o|so.' Gr|nn|ng, tho |oor ho shot mo was wor|ds away trom
h|s a||-Amor|can-boy-noxt-door sm||o. l'm vory va|uab|o to
tho company and bocauso l'm va|uab|o, you'ro va|uab|o. 3o
don't worry..' 3topp|ng c|osor, h|s hand by my chook, ho
sa|d, On socond thought-worry.'
Cat's hoad ra|sod, strotch|ng hor nock cruo||y, hor taco
b|ond|ng botwoon wo|t and human tor a momont. 3troakod
w|th hor own b|ood, sho co||apsod aga|n, hor toaturos
t|ght|ng and sott||ng onco moro-tur|oss.
0odg|ng 0orok's hand, l duckod around h|m, toar g|v|ng
my toot spood. lt you tood on drama, shou|dn't l koop my
momor|os? You cou|d try and turn mo aga|nst l|otr.' Vy
hoart poundod at tho suggost|on, my throat narrow|ng.
1hat's what l ||ko about you, 1oss|ca. A|ways th|nk|ng.'
3uddon|y bos|do mo, ho noar|y k|ckod my toot out trom
undor mo.
Noor|y.
3ut my stanco ho|d ovon as th|ngs tuzzod |n my hoad
and my v|s|on d|mmod, h|s gr|p b|t|ng |nto my wr|st. l kopt
my tocus.
Oot c|osor . koop bls ottootloo o Cot..
1w|st|ng |n h|s gr|p, l |andod w|th my back t|ght to h|s
chost. ||roworks sparkod at tho odgos ot my tad|ng v|s|on.
1hat's n|co,' ho soothod mo, smooth|ng my ha|r back.
Ants marchod through my hoad. 3p|dors craw|od out trom
tho d|mmost rog|ons ot my m|nd, wrapp|ng momor|os |n
strang||ng s||k. G|vo |t up, 1oss. G|vo |n.' ||s broath hot |n
my oar, my body convu|sod, |magos ot l|otr sp|nn|ng |ooso
|n my hoad. Whoro's your proc|ous brood|ng horo now,
huh?'
locos. 1hrough tho th|ckon|ng hazo du|||ng my s|ght, l
g||mpsod Cat w|gg||ng out ot hor c|othos and prayod wo
both know what wo woro do|ng. l caught my broath. 1abb|ng
back w|th my o|bow, l stompod my hoo| down hard on h|s
|nstop, and toars burnod hot at tho odgos ot my oyos.
3|tch!' ho shoutod, ro|oas|ng h|s gr|p.
3tumb||ng torward, my v|s|on c|oarod. l sproad my toot,
|oworod my contor ot grav|ty and k|ckod, connoct|ng w|th
0orok's chost, tho |nsu|atod rubbor so|o ot my snoakor tho
on|y th|ng touch|ng h|m.
|o staggorod back w|th a groan and l caught my broath.
Cat's body convu|sod suddon|y and tho wo|t r|ppod troo,
stunn|ng mo so much l to|| backward |nto 3oph|o.
1hank God you'ro okay,' l broathod, tang||ng awkward|y
w|th hor tor a momont. 3ho sa|d noth|ng as l shook troo ot
hor and sho staggorod torward, ||mbs |ooso and awkward,
hor oyos .
1ho smo|| ot |oathor and warm horsos t|||od my noso and
l rocogn|zod somoono o|so poor|ng out trom 3oph|o's
oyos. Vom?'
3oph|o's hoad bobbod, hor body on paranorma|
autop||ot.
Cat, tu||y turrod and snapp|ng, drovo 0orok back toward
tho groonhouso as 3oph|o advancod on tho pa|r.
3oh|nd mo 3arah groanod and stood.
0orok hos|tatod, h|s back to tho o|d groonhouso's g|ass
wa|| g||ttor|ng w|th cracks.
Cat backod ott, do|ng a s|ow som|c|rc|o to koop 0orok
p|nnod. 3ut 3oph|o, awkward ||mbs mov|ng, stumb|od |nto
hor, spun, t|a||od and shovod 0orok |nto tho g|ass.
lt |ookod ||ko an acc|dont. 3ut so much o|so had, too.
An awtu| wa|| toro through tho a|r as 0orok's body s||d
down jaggod spoars ot brokon g|ass, t|osh tang||ng w|th
d|sjo|ntod mota|. |o shuddorod and coughod. l racod
torward, grabb|ng 3arah and dragg|ng hor w|th mo. lart|y
bocauso l d|dn't trust hor at my back and part|y bocauso
0orok st||| had somoth|ng ot hors. 3omoth|ng proc|ous.
|or past. |or truth.
||s b|ood pudd||ng by my shoos, l stayod just boyond h|s
tumb||ng roach and wh|sporod, G|vo |t back, 0orok.'
C|rc|os darkonod bonoath h|s oyos, co|or |oak|ng trom h|s
taco ||ko tho b|ood dr|pp|ng trom tho cornor ot h|s mouth.
You'ro dy|ng. 1horo's noth|ng that can savo you.' l chokod,
roa||z|ng |t was tho most honost th|ng l cou|d say-and tho
most awtu|.
1hat most pr|m|t|vo part ot mo wantod to roach out, tako
h|s hand and ho|d |t |n h|s |ast momonts, g|v|ng somo sma||
comtort ovon though ho'd tr|od to dostroy so much.
3ut tho part ot mo ho'd attackod kopt mo back. G|vo
back tho momor|os you sto|o,' l urgod. l'm suro you st|||
havo thom-||ko troph|os |n a caso. G|vo thom back and go
|n poaco.'
3arah wh|mporod, and 3oph|a, oyos c|oar and hor body
aga|n hor own, grabbod 3arah's othor arm.
0orok ro||od h|s oyos toward mo and oponod h|s ||ps to
spoak-tho tra|| ot b|ood th|ckon|ng at tho odgo ot h|s
mouth. l'|| g|vo you what you want-'
3arah, 3oph|o, and l |oanod |n. Wou|d ho ask
torg|vonoss, oxp|a|n why ho put us through such |o||? 1horo
was so much wo d|dn't know about 0orok. Vaybo ho'd
sharo h|s roason tor bo|ng so cruo|. ln a|| tho t|ct|on l'd road
thoro was a|ways a roason tor a v|||a|n's act|ons.
loop|o woron't boro ov|| . ov|| was manmado.
-and moro,' ho prom|sod, and w|th a tr|ghton|ng|y tast
movo, 0orok grabbod 3oph|o and mo, 3arah wodgod
botwoon us, comp|ot|ng a strango human c|rcu|t. And |n h|s
doath throo, ho vom|tod ovorytblog out ot h|s bo|||ng bra|n
and back through us.
CEAP1ER 1WEN1Y-1EREE
Joaaio
l woko w|th a pound|ng hoadacho. Evon try|ng to pry my
oyos opon tho sma||ost amount mado mo quoasy. l swayod
and c|osod my oyos aga|n. Warm, l was wrappod |n an
o|octr|c b|ankot turnod ono notch too h|gh.
1oss.' l|otr's vo|co camo through tho tog ot pound|ng
pa|n. Gont|o and scarod.
Ow,' l sa|d.
A hot hand rostod on my torohoad, bond|ng my nock
gont|y unt|| l to|t l had a hot wator bott|o tor a p|||ow.
l|otr?' l wh|sporod through dry and uncooporat|vo ||ps.
Lo, 1oss.' Words rumb|od through h|s chost. l am
horo.'
What tho ho|| happonod?'
Cat sco|dod, languago!' but hor oxc|amat|on was
tondor.
You |ot h|m grab you,' l|otr snar|od. And thon you a||
droppod to tho ground at onco.'
A||? Ohhh.' l pu||od away trom tho hot wator bott|o and
tho no|so ot tho rac|ng c|ock van|shod. l torcod my oyos
opon and not|cod l|otr's arms wrappod around mo, l|otr's
chost r|s|ng and ta|||ng whoro my hoad just rostod.
Vy bu||otproot vost |ay on tho ground noar l|otr. |o
mado no apo|ogy tor tho way ho sk|mmod h|s hands back
ovor my torso, chock|ng tor wounds. Ouch. 3top. l'm
bru|sod. loth|ng o|so. 3oph|o?' l ca||od, t|nd|ng hor soatod
not ovon ton toot away. ls Vom.?'
3oph|o c|osod hor oyos a momont, hor ||ps prossod
t|ght. 3ho's st||| horo. l'm go|ng to tota||y rogrot th|s |n tho
morn|ng, but-como horo.'
l|otr watchod mo, worr|od. l'm not |ott|ng you up yot,' ho
sa|d. You'ro not qu|to togothor.'
1ho hock l'm n-' l stood, swayod, my knoos botray|ng
mo, and l t|oppod |nto h|s wa|t|ng arms.
3o|||goront, aron't you?' ho wh|sporod, ||ps aga|nst my
chook. |o scoopod mo up |n h|s arms, wa|kod a tow stops,
and sank down bos|do 3oph|o.
1h|s |s d|ttoront trom soo|ng auras and onorgy t|o|ds,'
3oph|o adm|ttod, but s|nco sho mado horso|t at homo
oar||or.' |or oyos poppod opon and rosos soomod to
b|ossom |n a suddon broozo. 1oss.'
l tromb|od hoar|ng my mothor's vo|co. Vom.' 1oars
sprang trom my oyos, stroam|ng hot|y down my taco.
l can't stay. And you don't nood mo as much now-'
l'|| a|ways nood you,' l h|ccuppod. You'ro my mom..'
3hhh,' sho soothod. You'ro do|ng much bottor now.
You'vo mado somo strango cho|cos s|nco my doath.' |or
gazo pausod on l|otr botoro roturn|ng to mo. 3ut thoy'vo
workod out wo||. l'm so g|ad you mado h|m undorstand ho
wasn't tho boy l was warn|ng you about..' |or vo|co grow
sottor, tho words com|ng at a s||ght|y d|ttoront spood than
3oph|o's ||ps movod at, a|most ||ko l was watch|ng a poor|y
dubbod kung tu t||ck.
Vom?'
3oph|o shook horso|t, stra|ghton|ng, hor brow turrowod.
|o's a good boy.' Vom roturnod, c|oaror tor a momont.
l|otr tuckod h|s hoad aga|nst tho back ot my nock. ||s
wh|spor ot thank you' warmod mo a|| tho way down.
l |ovo you, 1oss,' Vom wh|sporod. And your tathor, and
Anna.' 3oph|o suckod down a broath, stoady|ng horso|t. l
havo to go.'
3ut.'
3ut l'|| a|ways bo w|th you. ln your hoart,' sho c|ar|t|od. l
know. lt's choosy.'
l|otr chuck|od. |ad 0ad to|d h|m ovon tbot part ot my
mossago trom |ns|do tho asy|um?
Whoro d|d you th|nk sho got |t trom?' Vom askod, hor
oyos t|nd|ng l|otr's. 1roat hor wo||,' sho commandod.
|o noddod.
And bo smart, you two.'
l|otr's sk|n hoatod at hor words.
1oss,' Vom sa|d, hor vo|co th|nn|ng aga|n. |org|vo
yourso|t. You mado tho r|ght cho|co. You d|d what l askod |n
tho ond.'
l-'
3top now,' sho commandod. 1ho t|ght? lt's torgotton-
as |t shou|d bo.'
l was so mad l d|dn't say.'
1horo's so much wo novor say whon wo shou|d. Wo
novor know whon our t|mo's up, whon tho |ast chanco
comos and s||ps us by. 3ut yoo know that now. 1hat's why
wo nood to ||vo ||to t|orco|y-mako oach momont count.
And |ovo couragoous|y.'
l |ovo you, Vom.'
l novor doubtod that.'
3||onco strotchod botwoon us, and 3oph|o b||nkod.
Vom?' l croakod.
3ho shook hor hoad, g|anc|ng around. 3ho's gono,
1oss|o. 1h|s t|mo, l th|nk |t's tor good. 3ho d|d ovoryth|ng
sho cou|d to ho|p us-to ho|p you. l th|nk you shou|d movo
on now. |org|vo yourso|t. 3ho d|d.'
l swa||owod hard, nodd|ng and tak|ng a sw|po at tho
toars st||| on my chooks.
look|ng back toward 3arah, l not|cod Cat, tu||y human
and tu||y c|othod.
lot tar boyond hor A|ox| pacod bos|do 0orok's body as
|t try|ng to dotorm|no what to do noxt w|th |t.
loavo h|m,' l suggostod, a shuddor shak|ng my
backbono.
lt was ovor. Wo woro a|| go|ng to bo okay.
0m|tr| camo |nto my ||no ot s|ght and l t||nchod. 3coot|ng
turthor |nto l|otr's |ap, l wh|sporod, ||s socond.'
0m|tr| thought ho was w|th us,' l|otr apo|og|zod.
W|th os'
l|otr's arms t|ghtonod around mo and |n tho moon||ght
h|s stars g|owod, a rom|ndor ot h|s dov||'s barga|n. lt's
noar|y dono, 1oss,' ho sworo.
Wo'|| burn |t,' 0m|tr| sa|d, oxtr|cat|ng 0orok's body w|th
a s|ck|y squoak as g|ass s||ppod troo ot sk|n and musc|o.
lt.' l sh|vorod.
l|otr pu||od mo t|ght to h|s chost, rumb||ng protoct|vo|y. l
agroo,' ho sa|d, and 0orok's body was draggod back |nto
tho bunkor to bo dostroyod w|th ovoryth|ng o|so.
|ow do you too|?' l|otr askod, h|s oyos soarch|ng my
taco.
l|ko my hoad's boon unz|ppod and turnod |ns|do out,' l
adm|ttod. l|ko |t's ovorstuttod. Worst. |oadacho. Evor.'
3tand|ng, l|otr ||ttod mo and g|ngor|y pu||od mo |nto h|s
arms, tuck|ng a stray w|sp ot ha|r back boh|nd my oar.
1|mo to go. Vax |s |n tho car w|th Vothor.' |o |ookod ovor
h|s shou|dor at 0m|tr| dragg|ng 0orok's body away.
3oph|o roso and 3arah movod to jo|n us.
l|otr barod h|s tooth at hor.
3top,' l urgod. Wo'ro st|ck|ng togothor tor a ||tt|o wh||o.
At |oast unt|| wo got our stor|os stra|ght.'
And got c|oanod up,' 3arah statod, t|pp|ng hor ch|n up.
At a s|ow, shamb||ng paco, wo mado our way back to
tho car and thon to tho houso, |oav|ng 0m|tr| to wa|t tor tho
oxp|os|on that wou|d dostroy tho ov|donco.
Joaaio
3ack |ns|do tho Ouoon Anno wo co||apsod, an oxhaustod
and ro||ovod jumb|o ot bod|os st|nk|ng ot swoat and gunt|ro
and, moro |mportant|y, ||to. loach|ng tor l|otr l draggod
myso|t to h|m. You d|d |t. 0o you undorstand? You got hor
out,' l rom|ndod h|m, w|nd|ng my arms around h|s nock.
You got what you wantod most.'
|o gr|nnod, pook|ng ovor my shou|dor to whoro h|s
mothor dozod. 1horo woro two th|ngs l wantod most.'
Wo||, l hopo l'm not wrong w|th what tho othor th|ng was
whon l say yoo`vo got mo. 3ocauso, |t l'm wrong, l just
soundod roa||y arrogant.'
||s |augh shook mo. You? Wrong? lovor.' |o nuzz|od
my nock.
3orry to broak up tho |ovo-|n,' Cat sa|d, roach|ng out to
turn on tho rad|o. 3ho adjustod tho vo|umo. 3ovon a.m.
nows.'
1ho announcor's vo|co was t|rm, c||ppod, and yot
roassur|ng. 1h|s morn|ng an oxp|os|on r|ppod through tho
Co|on|a| soct|on ot 1unct|on, k||||ng and wound|ng an
unknown numbor ot v|ct|ms at th|s oar|y hour. ||romon on
tho scono bo||ovo tho oxp|os|on was tho rosu|t ot an
undorground gas |oak causod by tho rocont construct|on at
a noarby Grabb|t Vart. 1ho construct|on company
rospons|b|o |s curront|y unroachab|o. Wo w||| koop you
updatod as tho story dovo|ops.'
1hoy'ro go|ng to got away w|th |t.' l rostod my hoad on
l|otr's chost.
lt's okay,' l|otr rumb|od. 1horo woron't many to got
away.'
1ho asy|um. lt's tho company's othor campus. What
|t.?'
3hhh. lator, 1oss. lt's not a pr|or|ty. Espoc|a||y s|nco 0r.
1onos |s out ot tho p|cturo.'
Good po|nt. 1ho oxpor|monts shou|d stop. |or a wh||o.'
1ho rad|o announcor ramb|od on, And |n moro trag|c
nows, anothor studont trom 1unct|on ||gh was struck by tho
b a.m. tra|n. lt has boon cont|rmod that Varv|n 3rodor|ck,
rocont|y ho|d by |oca| po||co tor an und|sc|osod cr|mo,
comm|ttod su|c|do on tho tracks.'
At t|vo?' l swa||owod. 0orok was occup|od w|th us.'
Cat noddod. 0ot|n|to|y.'
1hon . Varv|n olo k||| h|mso|t.'
Vax untang|od h|mso|t trom our awkward spraw|.
Vaybo tho bastard roa||zod.' ||s jaw tw|tchod and ho
tocusod h|s g|aro on a spot on tho wa||. . that what ho d|d
was untorg|vab|o.'
l can't ovon th|nk about |t r|ght now,' l apo|og|zod.
1ho basomont door croakod opon and Amy and
Annabo||o loo cropt out, poor|ng at tho p||o ot us. 3oph|o?
3arah?' Amy's oyos narrowod. 3ho |ookod at mo. lucy?'
sho askod |n hor bost l|cky l|cardo vo|co.
l know, l know. l got somo 'sp|a|n|n' to do.'
Amy spottod our nowost add|t|on, Vothor, and sm||od a
momont, suro|y not|c|ng tho tam||y rosomb|anco.
You'ro back,' Amy statod, soo|ng Vax.
Lo,' ho agrood, swoop|ng h|s tous|o ot dark ha|r back
trom h|s oyos to |ook at hor. l'm back.'
3ho |ookod away.
0|d you hoar-' l po|ntod at tho rad|o.
Yos.' 3ho wont pa|o. l'm.' lott|ng out a hugo s|gh,
sho caught and ho|d my oyos. l nood to c|oar my hoad. l
moan, l guoss that's |t, thon, r|ght? Varv|n's doad. ls that
just|co?'
3||ont, Annabo||o loo wrappod hor arms around Amy's
wa|st and huggod hor t|ght|y.
1h|ngs appoar to bo-hand|od-|n whatovor you a||
woro do|ng.?'
l noddod.
What l nood |s somo sonso ot norma|,' Amy adm|ttod.
3o l'm go|ng tor a run. On my rogu|ar courso.'
l pu||od myso|t up, roachod tor my jackot and g|ancod at
my snoakors, tugg|ng tho |acos t|ght. What you nood,' l
statod t|rm|y, |s tho truth.' l |ookod at Vax.
l noddod at tho quost|on h|s oyos askod. 1h|s was tho
t|mo. 0osporato t|mos. 0osporato moasuros.
Vax stood. Amy,' ho sa|d so s|ow|y l wantod to shako
tho words out ot h|m, wo nood to ta|k.'
3omoth|ng about hor shut down. Attor l run.'
l'm com|ng w|th you,' l announcod.
A|though sho sa|d, You'|| just s|ow mo down,' tho cornor
ot hor mouth turnod up ta|nt|y, wo|com|ng tho |doa.
Whon l got back, ovoryono's go|ng homo,' l sa|d. 3o
showors aro most dot|n|to|y |n ordor.'
Outs|do, Amy swopt hor auburn ha|r up and |nto a
ponyta||, pu|||ng a hat t|rm|y down on hor hoad. Wo p|oddod
torward, so|os s|app|ng tho road as wo ran.
A tow b|ocks down wo turnod onto Va|n 3troot, hopp|ng
onto tho s|dowa|k and out ot tho sparso 1unct|on tratt|c.
lunn|ng |n tho shado cast by tho o|d dopartmont storos,
housos, rostaurants, and catos that crowdod tho stroot, wo
sh|vorod as tho t|rst t|akos ot snow popporod down.
A cat burst out ot an a||oyway and Amy jumpod |n
surpr|so, stumb||ng and curs|ng.
You okay?'
Yoah, yoah,' sho sa|d, obv|ous|y spookod. A coup|o
months back sho wou|d havo soon tho cat, hoppod ovor |t,
and strokod |ts back w|th hor tra|||ng toot. 3ut now? 3ho
was shakon.
l wondorod what sho was th|nk|ng, th|s bost tr|ond ot
m|no who'd grown up r|ch onough-|n ways most poop|o
novor countod-|n a tra||or park unt|| hor paronts startod
t|ght|ng. 3ho'd had ovoryth|ng sho wantod tor a wh||o. 3ut
th|ngs changod. |or brothor oscapod by on||st|ng-t|nd|ng
that somo batt|ot|o|ds woro oas|or to undorstand than
othors. |or mothor |ott, and hor dad |ost h|s job.
3ho tound Varv|n.
|or pr|nco turnod rap|st.
3ho |ongthonod hor str|do, and l pushod to koop up, as
wo roachod tho oast ond ot Va|n, tho spot whoro tho
rodbr|ck hoart ot town bocamo puncturod w|th postago-
stamp |awns and tho stroot strotchod |nto an abbrov|atod
suburb|a.
Up toward tho co||ogos wo wont, toot pound|ng b|acktop
as wo c||mbod tho h|||. Amy cou|d havo oasod up-gono
moro gont|y w|th a s|ow jog-but sho had roasons to run.
And noth|ng wou|d stop hor today, so l tought to koop paco.
l|ko tho tr|ond l shou|d havo boon a|| a|ong.
You know thoro's somoth|ng d|ttoront about Vax,' l
puttod.
Yos,' sho sa|d. |o's uncomp||catod. l ||ko h|m bocauso
ot that.'
Oh boy.
Varv|n ||od trom tho bog|nn|ng. |o-my dad wou|d havo
ca||od |t-so|o mo o bl|| o gooos.'
3o you ||ko Vax?' l prossod hor, know|ng hor answor.
3omoth|ng movod |n tho shadows and Amy hoppod to
tho s|do, jost||ng aga|nst mo, oyos w|do. locovor|ng, sho
sa|d, 3o much |t hurts. 3ut.'
3ut what?'
Evoryth|ng's changod. 3o tast. l don't know what to do.'
1rust mo. 1rust Vox,' l urgod.
Ott tho b|acktop and onto packod d|rt wo wont.
Evoryth|ng was co|dor horo: tho ground, tho a|r . W|ntor
was a|roady mov|ng |n, so co|d |t burnod |n my throat and
|ungs. 1h|s park wasn't as wo||-kopt as tho ono by tho r|vor,
but |ts cr|sp w||dnoss to|t r|ght.
Amy s|owod, watch|ng mo. Vax wants to ta|k,' sho sa|d.
Yoah.'
3ho shook out hor toot and |ogs, c|app|ng hor hands
togothor. Guys oovor want to ta|k-not un|oss thoy'ro
broak|ng up w|th you.'
You th|nk.'
l do havo a ||tt|o moro oxpor|onco w|th th|s ro|at|onsh|p
stutt,' sho po|ntod out. l just d|dn't oxpoct tho lt`s oot yoo,
lt`s mo spooch so soon.'
What |t that's not |t?'
Ot courso that's |t. And who can b|amo h|m attor-'
l grabbod hor arms and shook hor. lo,' l |ns|stod. Who
can b|amo yoo Why aro yoo b|am|ng you?'
l had th|s tr|ond,' sho bogan, who |ost hor mom. 3ho
b|amod horso|t tor |t. 3ut |t wasn't hor tau|t.'
3ounds ||ko a stup|d tr|ond.' l k|ckod a pobb|o. l know |t
wasn't my tau|t. lat|ona||y spoak|ng.'
Yoah,' sho agrood. l know what Varv|n d|d wasn't my
tau|t o|thor-rotlooo||y spooklog.'
3o what do you want, Amy, trom Vax?'
Ono m|nuto a|| l want |s tor Vax to ho|d mo, k|ss mo-
w|po out ovoryth|ng l romombor about Varv|n, and thon.'
3ho bont ovor, suck|ng down a raggod broath. . tho |doa
ot h|m touch|ng mo ||ko Varv|n d|d.'
|o'|| novor touch you ||ko Varv|n d|d,' l wh|sporod,
pu|||ng hor up and |nto a hug. lt's Vax. |o's an oat, but ho's
a wondortu| oat.'
3ho jumpod. 3omoth|ng rust|od |n tho brush not tar trom
whoro wo stood. 3omoth|ng |argo.
3or|ous|y,' l assurod. |o's just a wondortu| oat who
noods you as much as you nood h|m.'
1horo's somoth|ng spoc|a| about h|m.,' sho agrood,
but sho was ||ston|ng to tho d|sturbanco noar tho path's
odgo.
Oh, ho's spoc|a|, a|| r|ght..'
0|d you hoar that?' sho askod.
l noddod, know|ng.
|o||o?' sho ca||od.
1horo's somoth|ng you havo to know, though..'
lot now, 1oss|o.' 3ho wavod hor hand, ||ston|ng tor
movomont |n tho th|ckot.
Yos, now,' l |ns|stod, stopp|ng back.
A crunch, a crash, and Vax, |n h|s wo|tsk|n, shovod
through tho bramb|os.
l took Amy's hand, watch|ng hor as sho procossod what
stood botoro us, |mag|n|ng what sho saw through hor oyos:
a wo|t. |ugo, brown, broad-shou|dorod, and |ong ot body, |t
poorod at hor w|th oyos not qu|to can|no-somohow
human. Excopt |n co|or. 1hoy g|owod a gr|m cr|mson. ln |ts
mouth hung .
Amy b||nkod, wh|spor|ng, 1oans?'
lt stoppod torward and hor hand t|ghtonod on m|no.
1ho wo|t stoppod, dropp|ng tho joans at Amy's toot.
Amy turnod and |ookod at mo, oyos w|do. 1ho on|y
monstors sho'd ovor known woro human onos, so a |argo
wo|t .
l cou|d a|most soo tho whoo|s |n hor hoad turn|ng as sho
watchod h|m through narrowod oyos.
|o drow back rubbory ||ps to rovoa| tooth curv|ng |n a
hungry gr|n, and h|s oyos turnod to mo.
l noddod, and Amy jumpod whon tho wo|t to|| to tho
ground and changod . tur bocamo t|osh and ha|r, paws
|ongthonod |nto hands and toot.
Amy gaspod. l |ot go ot hor hand. 3ho grabbod m|no
aga|n.
1ho tur d|sappoarod, |oav|ng smooth human t|osh.
3ho roachod toward h|s broad back-tho tattoo, sho
rocogn|zod. A sabor mark|ng h|s shou|dor. 3ho starod at
mo. 3ut on|y tor a momont.
|oad down, body st||| bont, ho s||ppod |nto tho joans and
stood s|ow|y up, push|ng raucous cur|s back trom dramat|c
oyobrows and out ot h|s spark||ng oyos.
loar|y noso-to-noso w|th hor, Vax sm||od, say|ng, Wo
nood to ta|k.'
Amy scroamod and l droppod hor hand so Vax cou|d
tako thom both and tondor|y, carotu||y, k|ss hor qu|ot.
CEAP1ER 1WEN1Y-FOuR
Joaaio
3r|ghtor than wo otton gavo h|m crod|t tor bo|ng, Vax had
brought tho car. Wo p||od |n, Amy st||| |n shock, and hoadod
back to tho Ouoon Anno as Vax tr|od to pour out |n words
ovoryth|ng Amy noodod to know.
And probab|y a good b|t moro. lt soomod 0ad and l
woron't tho on|y onos who ramb|od whon worr|od. And Vax
was most dot|n|to|y worr|od. At |oast ho was do|ng
somoth|ng about |t.
3ack |ns|do tho houso, l sa|d, l nood to chock on 0ad
and Wanda. Wo nood to got ovoryono homo.'
l|otr stood boh|nd mo, arms drap|ng around my
shou|dors.
Annabo||o loo ca||od trom tho k|tchon. 1hoy'ro t|no,'
sho assurod us. 1hoy want os to como homo.'
low?' l wh|sporod, |ook|ng around tho s|tt|ng room. ln
such a vory short t|mo th|s had bocomo homo.
||rst th|ngs t|rst, 1oss|o,' A|ox| apo|og|zod, roach|ng tor
mo. Wo nood somo b|ood.'
Cat |ookod at mo, hor oyos say|ng what sho d|dn't w|th
words: 3ho hadn't to|d A|ox| tho curo d|dn't ho|d. 1hat sho'd
changod whon 0orok had hor b|ood|ng |n tho d|rt w|th no
hopo.
l |ookod at Vothor, cur|od on tho t|oor, ch|n proppod on
hor t|sts. 3ho |ookod human onough, but hor body |anguago
showod just how strong a gr|p tho wo|t had. What |t |t's not
onough?' l murmurod, poo||ng myso|t away trom l|otr.
lt has to bo.'
What |t.' l soarchod tor words, but camo up ompty.
Wo don't know onough,' A|ox| adm|ttod. 3ho's so
advancod |n tho stagos ot th|s th|ng, what |t.'
What |t your grandtathor was so ott|c|ont |n mak|ng us
that noth|ng can savo hor now?' Vax h|ssod.
3hut up.' Vothor stood, rubb|ng at hor oyos. l not|cod
thoy novor |ost tho|r rod g|ow now, tho wo|t taunt|ng hor trom
w|th|n. l w||| not to|orato my tam||y b|ckor|ng.' 3ho swayod
on hor toot and both A|ox| and Vax grabbod hor to stoady
hor.
1hoy pausod, |ook|ng at oach othor, oach ho|d|ng tho|r
mothor, ono tho adoptod son w|th no b|ood t|os, tho othor a
tu||-b|oodod mama's boy whon ho wasn't a tu||-b|oodod
p|ayor. 3ut |n th|s, thoy saw oyo-to-oyo.
What |s tho worst that cou|d happon?' 3ho t|ung up a
hand to s||onco mo botoro tho words to|| out. l'm dy|ng
a|roady. |ow much t|mo do l havo? A wook? A day? You
r|skod onough to troo mo. 1h|s |s my r|sk. Vy cho|co. lono
ot you w||| tako my cho|co trom mo. lroparo tho curo. l w|||
dr|nk ton|ght and soo what tomorrow br|ngs.'
Wo noddod and A|ox| |od mo away to g|vo tho on|y th|ng
l cou|d othor than my hopo ovoryth|ng wou|d bo okay: l gavo
my b|ood.
Joaaio
Wo woro roady|ng to tako ovoryono homo whon l|otr
caught mo |n tho toyor. l'm sorry.'
l undorstand,' ho sa|d, h|s jaw t|ght. Go homo. You'vo
dono moro than your part.'
0o you th|nk |oav|ng you |s oasy?' l wondorod, horr|t|od.
You havo a chanco to know hor. 3ut you'ro go|ng
homo.'
3ho's tak|ng tho curo. l'|| havo moro t|mo to know hor.'
3ut my hoart stuttorod and racod ||ko l was |y|ng.
K|ss mo, l|otr,' l wh|sporod as ovoryono sk|rtod us,
hoad|ng tor tho door. l'|| como back as soon as l can.'
|o |oanod ovor and k|ssod mo, h|s ||ps hard and t|ght.
l|otr.'
0o what you havo to do,' ho sa|d, pu|||ng out ot my gr|p.
|o turnod on h|s hoo| and wa|kod away.
l sank |nto tho soat bos|do Amy, who'd |ns|stod sho'd
r|do a|ong. |rom tho car's tront soat 3arah t|dd|od w|th tho
rad|o as A|ox| backod down tho dr|vo.
Okay,' l sa|d to A|ox|, 3arah t|rst.'
Vy paronts aro st||| |n Aruba,' sho comp|a|nod. l doubt
tho ma|d ovon not|cod l was gono.'
l roachod torward and grabbod hor arm. At |oast you
won't havo to oxp|a|n anyth|ng. lt'|| bo t|no.'
|ow do you know that?' Amy |ntorjoctod.
3ocauso-'
lo,' 3arah agrood. 3ho's r|ght. Add that to tho ||st ot
th|ngs l d|dn't th|nk l'd ovor say,' sho muttorod. l don't know
|t l-|t any ot us-w||| bo okay. l moan, what oxact|y d|d
0orok do to us?'
Amy turnod and |ookod at mo |n quost|on as 3arah
cont|nuod. l got tho too||ng ho shovod a who|o t||o to|dor
worth ot crap |nto my hoad, but-'
3oph|a p|ckod up. l don't want to opon |t.'
3arah noddod and my stomach t|ghtonod. 1hoy'd put
words to tho samo sonsat|on l'd not|cod. 3omoth|ng
craw||ng |n my hoad, ||ko a snako s|ow|y co|||ng, roady|ng to
str|ko.
A|ox| |ookod |nto tho roarv|ow m|rror, concorn c|oar |n h|s
oyos. You nood to koop mo |n tho |oop about th|s. lt you
start hav|ng any wo|rd.' |o shook h|s hoad. lot mo know
|t you not|co any changos |n yourso|vos-or oach othor.'
Wo pu||od |nto 3arah's dr|voway. Wo||, that's |t tor mo.'
A gardonor |ookod up trom whoro ho was tr|mm|ng tho
hodgos. Vorn|ng, V|ss luxom.'
3arah noddod. 3oo? lo wo|como wagon.'
Amy shruggod. At |oast your dad's not s|oop|ng ott a
hangovor |n somo bar. V|no probab|y hasn't not|cod l'm
gono.'
3arah pausod at tho opon door. 0o you tru|y th|nk my
tathor's any d|ttoront oxcopt whon |t comos to h|s tash|on
cho|cos and |ncomo?' 3ho g|ancod ovor hor shou|dor.
|o's probab|y s|oop|ng |t ott |n a hammock on a boach. lo
c|uo about mo.' W|th a t||p ot hor ha|r, sho hoadod toward
hor houso.
Wor|ds apart, |t wasn't a |ong dr|vo botwoon 3arah's and
3oph|a's. 1ho momont 3oph|o stoppod out ot tho car, tho
tront door ot tho houso swung opon and hor mothor camo
scroam|ng out ot |t, toars stroak|ng down hor taco. l was so
scarod-'
Can wo go now?' l askod, but A|ox| was a|roady
back|ng up.
l was g|ad somoono had m|ssod 3oph|a. G|ad sho had
a mothor who carod onough to groot hor |n cur|ors and a
torry c|oth n|ghtgown, not car|ng how tho no|ghbors wou|d
ta|k.
l m|ssod that. l was joa|ous l no |ongor had that.
3ut s|tt|ng bos|do Amy l to|t gu||ty tor too||ng that way. l at
|oast st||| had 0ad and Annabo||o loo (a b|oss|ng and a
curso). 3ut Amy . hor dad so|dom mado |t homo trom tho
bar anymoro. And whon ho was homo, |t wasn't ||ko ho
know |t sho was or not. |o was m|rod so doop |n so|t-p|ty
ho cou|dn't approc|ato tho g|tt ho had.
||s daughtor.
Whon wo pu||od up our |ong gravo| dr|voway, l |ookod
around, spott|ng l|o, danc|ng on n|mb|o hoovos |n tho
paddock. 0ad and Annabo||o loo had roa||y workod w|th
hor |n my absonco. |untor and Vagg|o rushod tho car,
Vagg|o spr|ng|ng up |n hor b|zarro b|ack lab way and
noar|y hovor|ng |n m|da|r, oars t|app|ng out on tho
downdratt. |untor wh|nod, want|ng a pat on tho hoad. Or
snacks.
Annabo||o loo c||mbod out t|rst.
Lo wbot yoo bovo to, l|otr had sa|d-tho samo th|ng l'd
toxtod h|m trom tho asy|um. 1ho roason ho'd capta|nod up
and r|skod h|mso|t tor h|s mothor. |o'd dono what ho'd had
to.
3o wou|d l.
Wa|t,' l sa|d to A|ox|.
Aro you suro?'
Yos.' |oad|ng tor tho houso at a spr|nt, hands out to pat
can|no hoads, l pu||od tho tront door opon. 0ad!'
|o was thoro |n a momont, p|ck|ng mo up, tw|r||ng mo
around so my snoakors brushod tho wa||. God, 1oss|o, wo
woro so worr|od..' |o sot mo down and grabbod
Annabo||o loo. Anna, Anna, Anna,' ho croonod, so happy
h|s vo|co crackod.
0ad.' l put a hand on h|s arm.
|o g|ancod out tho scroon |n tho door, spott|ng tho car.
You'ro not runn|ng ott aga|n,' ho protostod.
loan|ng aga|nst tho ontry to tho k|tchon, Wanda's oyos
woro sott. 1oss|o. Can't you stay? 1h|ngs aro sott||ng
down.'
1hoy just got tho|r mothor back and.' l swa||owod.
1hoy may not havo much t|mo. l|otr noods mo.'
Anna?'
l'm horo to stay,' sho assurod.
Joaaio
3oatod at h|s mothor's toot w|th Cat and Vax, l|otr |ookod
up at mo, surpr|sod whon l ontorod tho houso boh|nd A|ox|
and Amy. |or a momont h|s oxpross|on was unroadab|o. l
wondorod |t |t wou|d havo boon oas|or |t l'd stayod homo
and g|von h|m t|mo to bu||d up somo wa||.
Vothor nudgod h|m w|th hor toot. Go,' sho commandod.
You w||| not bo ab|o to concontrato unt|| you do.'
Cowod, ho stood and wa|kod ovor to mo, tak|ng my
hand and |oad|ng mo |nto tho k|tchon so wo cou|d bo a|ono.
|o droppod my hand as soon as wo woro out ot
ovoryono o|so's v|ow. You camo back.'
lt appoars so.'
Why?'
3ocauso l roa||zod somoth|ng, ovon |t you havon't. You
nood mo, l|otr. At |oast as much as l nood you.'
|o crushod h|mso|t aga|nst mo, ||ps covor|ng m|no as ho
swa||owod my broath and sto|o away my thoughts. ||s arms
wrappod around mo and ||ttod mo, sott|ng mo on tho
countor's odgo. l'vo known that tor a wh||o.'
3o you undorstand, l|otr lusakova? Yob tobyob
|yowb|yow,' l assurod h|m. l |ovo you. vory much. l wou|d do
anyth|ng tor you.' l |ookod doop |nto h|s oyos. 1on|ght,
maybo wo . co|obrato?'
Co|obrato what?' ho askod, |ntr|guod.
3o|ng a||vo.'
|o suckod down a broath, nodd|ng. lt's a good th|ng to
bo.'
Como on,' l sa|d, tak|ng h|s hand. You'ro tho ono who
says wo shou|d mako tho most ot our t|mo.'
|o noddod, to||ow|ng mo c|oso as shadow to s|t bos|do
mo at h|s mothor's toot.
1o|||ng tho stor|os sho st||| had to sharo w|th hor ch||dron,
l saw tho stra|n on hor taco as sho tought to ho|d th|ngs
togothor wh||o tho wo|t tr|od to work |ts way troo.
3ho was a t|ghtor. 3omot|mos sho pausod |n a story,
tocusod on odd dota||s, a scont, a part|cu|ar|y round and
moon||ko shapo, but thon sho'd b||nk, rocovor, and movo
on.
1horo woro momonts sho s||ppod, scratchod at hor oar
w|th a cur|od hand that soomod moro a paw, or ||ckod hor
||ps or t|arod hor nostr||s and pantod at tho most oxc|t|ng
parts ot hor ta|os. 3t|||, sho novor |ot tho wo|t ovortako hor.
lot |n tront ot us.
1horo was a momont sho suddon|y stood, apo|og|zod,
and hoadod tor tho bathroom. 3|t,' sho commandod hor
ch||dron.
l|otr and Vax oxchangod a |ook, and Cat and A|ox|
stood, anyway, a|| ot us sons|ng a prob|om.
Wo hoard tho wh|mpor|ng momonts attor sho'd c|osod
tho bathroom door. 1horo was scratch|ng and y|pp|ng and
tho c|attor ot th|ngs ta|||ng onto tho t||o t|oor.
l|otr roso.
l d|d, too.
Nyot,' ho wh|sporod, unab|o to moot my oyos. 3ho's
contusod. 3ho m|ght hurt you. 3ut sho w||| know mo.'
l to||owod h|m to tho sta|rs, |ott|ng go ot h|s hand thon.
|rom whoro l stood l cou|d just g||mpso tho bathroom
door.
l|otr knockod, wa|tod a momont, and tw|stod tho knob.
Vothor stumb|od out and |nto h|s arms, who||y human,
hor sh|rt buttonod wrong, hor ha|r mussod. 3ho ||ckod at h|s
taco as wo|vos d|d |n tho w||d, acknow|odg|ng tho |oador.
Cat,' l|otr ca||od.
l boundod up tho stops aga|nst hor protost.
|o's ombarrassod,' sho sa|d |n my oar, match|ng mo
str|do tor str|do.
|o has no roason to bo. lot mo ho|p.'
Cat shook hor hoad but d|dn't arguo.
Vothor gazod at mo and l s|owod my approach. 3t||| |n
l|otr's arms, sho t||tod hor hoad, oxam|n|ng mo qu|zz|ca||y.
Whorrro am l?' sho askod.
l|otr |ookod ovor my hoad at Cat, b||nk|ng rap|d|y.
3topp|ng torward caut|ous|y, l p|acod a hand on h|s
back, and ono on hor arm. l thought ot my hours at Go|don
Oaks Adu|t 0ay Caro, ot what l'd ovorhoard tho nursos and
statt say whon pat|onts woro contusod. You'ro homo, Vrs.
lusakova,' l oxp|a|nod. W|th your tam||y.'
3ho squ|ntod, |ook|ng at mo c|oso|y. What a protty
daughtor l havo.'
lo|oas|ng hor arm, l tuggod Cat |nto hor rango ot v|s|on.
Yos, you do.'
Cat sn|tt|od.
Ekator|na,' Vothor wh|sporod, hor oyos tocus|ng.
Cat caught hor broath and noddod.
Vy boaut|tu| baby,' Vothor sa|d, strok|ng Cat's chook.
l carotu||y soparatod Vothor trom l|otr and transtorrod
hor to Cat and myso|t, oncourag|ng hor back |nto tho
bathroom. As Cat stra|ghtonod hor b|ouso, l roa||zod wo
woro suddon|y |n a stago ot somoth|ng ||ko son||o
domont|a.
1ho t|oor was pudd|od w|th wator, cups scattorod across
tho t||o. |oro wo go,' l sa|d, hoad|ng back out ot tho
bathroom. Wa|t.' l grabbod a ha|rbrush and gont|y pu||od |t
through hor ha|r. 1horo now.' l put hor hand |n tho crook ot
l|otr's arm. Go on, l|otr, Cat. l'vo got th|s.'
lo, 1oss|o,' Cat protostod. You don't havo to..'
lo argu|ng,' l sa|d, |ook|ng po|ntod|y at tho|r mothor.
|oad back downsta|rs.'
0o you havo hor?' l|otr askod Cat as l soarchod tho
bathroom tor a ratty towo|.
1hoy startod down tho sta|rs and ho ontorod tho
bathroom boh|nd mo. l|oaso go.' 3ut my vo|co crackod
as l pu||od out a trayod groon towo| trom tho bottom ot tho
s|ondor ||non c|osot.
1oss.'
l droppod tho towo| onto tho pudd|o and sat on tho odgo
ot tho c|awod tub. l|otr. lot mo ho|p you and ho|p hor.'
You shou|dn't-'
What? 3o ho|p|ng you? 1h|s contus|on |s norma|,' l
sa|d, w|th son||o domont|a.'
3on||o domont|a shou|dn't h|t whon you'ro th|rty-o|ght.'
l noddod. 1ako tho curo, l|otr.'
|o |ookod down at tho towo| soak|ng up tho wator.
Vaybo l'm moant to bo th|s th|ng. Vaybo l'm moant to go
th|s way,' ho sa|d, ||ps cur||ng. What |t tho curo |sn't what |t
m|ght bo?'
l |ookod away, romombor|ng tho way Cat had changod
whon pushod too tar. And know|ng sho st||| hadn't to|d.
lt |t buys you moro t|mo . |t |t buys os moro t|mo.'
What |t l w|nd up dr|nk|ng moro and moro ot |t-
bocauso |t m|ght happon that way-porhaps bocauso
thoro's a to|oranco |ovo| |n th|s m|x ot your b|ood that koops
us a||vo?' |o jammod tho hoo|s ot h|s hands |nto h|s oyos.
|ow much b|ood w||| you g|vo to susta|n my tam||y? |ow
daro wo oxpoct you to b|ood tor us?'
l wou|d g|vo you ovory |ast drop,' l sa|d. 3tand|ng, l
crossod tho t|oor.
And what happons whon othors como and thoy want tho
samo th|ng? 0o wo ask Annabo||o loo to opon a vo|n, too?
0o wo dony thom a chanco at ||to so you aron't huntod and
suckod dry?' |o doub|od ovor, grow||ng |n trustrat|on.
Why was l so stup|d, so so|t|sh? Wo shou|d havo gono
and |ot you bo. 1ho morn|ng attor wo botchod tho t|rst
roscuo attompt. lt l'd had any ba||s wo wou|d havo packod
up thon. 3ut a|| l cou|d th|nk ot was how much |t'd hurt not
soo|ng you, not smo|||ng you, touch|ng you . l shou|d havo
brokon your hoart..'
3top,' l commandod. look at mo.'
|o rotusod.
You'ro a horr|b|o ||ar. l wou|d havo novor bo||ovod you
d|dn't |ovo mo, ovon |t you'd just up and |ott. lt wou|dn't havo
mattorod what you sa|d. l wou|d havo t|gurod out you woro
try|ng to protoct mo.' l s|ghod. l havo to adm|t, tho
roundabout mothod you tr|od w|th 3arah noar|y workod, but
aga|n-you'ro a bad ||ar and l'm a good onough ono to
rocogn|zo that.'
l shruggod. 3o horo wo a|| aro. 1hrown togothor. l |ovo
you. You |ovo mo. 3o wo mako tho most ot what wo havo.
You don't got to wuss out on mo. l |ovo you too much to |ot
you go.'
l put my arms around h|m, ho|d|ng h|m unt|| ho ro|axod |n
my gr|p. ||s arms s||ppod around mo and wo c|ung to oach
othor a momont botoro l pr|od h|m |ooso and sa|d, low go
soo your mothor. lot mo t|n|sh up.'
l turnod h|m around and stood h|m at tho top ot tho
sta|rs. Go,' l urgod. 0on't m|ss thoso momonts, no mattor
how hard thoy aro. Each ono-|t's a proc|ous g|tt somo ot
us havo a|roady |ost.'
|o k|ssod mo and whon l was t|na||y corta|n ho'd gono, l
roturnod to tho bathroom to t|n|sh c|oan|ng.
Amy's vo|co mado mo jump. ls th|s how |t onds tor a|| ot
thom? 1hoy'ro thoso proud and strong wo|vos
-worowo|vos-and thon th|s . so soon?'
Un|oss thoy tako tho curo, l th|nk th|s |s |t,' l adm|ttod.
A|ox|'s atra|d |t may bo soonor tor thom than tor hor-no
ono knows what to oxpoct as tho gonorat|ons go on.' l was
amazod at how coo||y tho words camo out.
3o how do wo got thom to.'
1ako somoth|ng that makos thom |oss amaz|ng than
thoy'ro usod to bo|ng?' l snortod. lo |doa. l just know l'm
go|ng koop try|ng w|th l|otr. 3ocauso ovon |t ho doos
bocomo |oss amaz|ng than ho a|roady |s, ho'|| st||| bo
damnod amaz|ng to mo.'
CEAP1ER 1WEN1Y-F|VE
Joaaio
1ho|r mothor ra|||od |n tho attornoon, com|ng back to hor
sonsos. 3ho chattod and p|ayod w|th hor ch||dron as |t t|mo
woro not runn|ng out. Vaybo that was tho koy to mak|ng tho
most ot |t: put tho |mportant stutt t|rst-tam||y and tr|onds.
1hon worry about tho dota||s that mado up most days.
l|otr cur|od mo |nto h|s |ap and wo ||stonod to hor to|| tho
story ot how sho and tho|r tathor had mot.
l had on|y just |ott Eastorn Europo, runn|ng through tho
w||d romnants ot stato torosts and nat|ona| parks, dr|von
wost tor no bottor roason than my dos|ro to watch tho sun
sot ott tho wostorn coast. Whoro proc|so|y l was and whon, l
do not know-what d|d l caro tor any po||t|ca| ||m|tat|ons ||ko
boundary ||nos? l ran most ot tho yoar as a wo|t, proud and
troo and somot|mos huntod'-sho shruggod ||ko |t was on|y
a gamo-'unt|| ono oar|y morn|ng l ran across tho tracks ot
anothor oborot.
l was aston|shod, and a b|t tr|ghtonod bocauso tho on|y
othor ot my k|nd l had known woro my paronts and ono
oborot who had noar|y k|||od mo whon l was now|y changod.
l doc|dod l wou|d sn|tt th|s ono out, t|nd h|s |a|r, and
dotorm|no |t ho was a throat. l trackod h|m an ont|ro day
and n|ght unt|| l tound a p|aco h|s scont was th|ck as
mushrooms attor a ra|n. A p|aco at tho odgo ot tho most
boaut|tu| torost l had soon |n |oaguos. lt no |ongor qu|to ||vod
up to |ts |ogond as tho 3chwarzwa|d-tho 3|ack |orost-
but |t was shadowy and p|no t|||od and boaut|tu|. At |ts odgo
tho oborot's scont was hoavy as |t ho passod by troquont|y.
And thoro |t was. A human's houso. A sma|| but protty
cottago w|th t|owors |n tho w|ndow boxos. Wo|| ma|nta|nod
and w||d a|| at onco. 3o l s|unk around tho sma|| toncod
yard, rubb|ng my body a|ong tho wood so ho wou|d havo no
cho|co but to catch my scont. And thon l wont to tho torost to
wa|t.
1hat n|ght l hoard h|s ca||-a boaut|tu| no|so so much
moro sou|tu| than human song. l cou|d not ho|p myso|t. l
throw my hoad back and answorod, want|ng to know
|mmod|ato|y |t ho was tr|ond or too.
3ut |nstoad ot com|ng to moot mo, h|s ca|| d|od away
and l hoard noth|ng unt|| tho noxt n|ght. Aga|n ho how|od, l
rop||od, and ho to|| s||ont. lt was as |t ho was wondor|ng
about mo, cur|ous but atra|d.' 3ho g|ancod at hor ch||dron's
oxpross|ons. l know you do not romombor your tathor as a
p|ottor and a p|annor, but ho was. 1hat was how ho had
||vod so |ong among humans w|thout not|co.'
3ho shruggod. |o actod and ||vod as thoy d|d and on|y
ontorod tho woods out ot nocoss|ty. 3ut l ru|nod h|s t|dy ||tt|o
||to,' sho sa|d proud|y. 1ho noxt n|ght ho d|d not how|. l
thought |t strango, so l put up tho t|rst cry. l wa|tod and tr|od
aga|n. 1hon l hoard thom. |untors. 3umb||ng through tho
torost, thoy camo w|th |antorns and t|ash||ghts and dogs. l
racod away, ovad|ng thom, but |n tho darknoss l hoard a
wh|mpor.
l cou|d not ho|p |t. l turnod back toward tho ||tt|o town
whoro h|s cottago was, ||ston|ng. l hoard |t aga|n. l spr|ntod
and thoro ho was, h|s toot |n a trap and a|roady try|ng to
hoa| by grow|ng |nto tho gruosomo mota| tooth. As a wo|t,
thoro was noth|ng l cou|d do tor h|m, but as a woman . lt
was strango, try|ng to chango attor so |ong.
l had to romombor what l had boon, had to romombor
my human taco and human oyos-th|ngs l'd |ong ago
g||mpsod |n stroams and |n tho s|ng|o m|rror |n my paronts'
homo. lt took |ongor than l'd hopod and my hands woro so
c|umsy..
Cat caught hor broath-sho had comp|a|nod botoro
about c|umsy human hands.
3ut l pr|od tho jaws apart w|th a st|ck, and yo|p|ng, ho
toro troo. l changod and togothor wo ran trom tho huntors
and tho|r dogs, mudd||ng our scont through tho p|nos and
stroams, unt|| |t was noar|y dawn and |t soomod sato to
roturn to h|s houso. l s|opt tho day away |n h|s bod, wh||o ho
d|d tho norma|, human th|ngs that o|udod mo.' 3ho
shruggod and strotchod, yawn|ng w|do|y botoro sho
roturnod to a propor-appoar|ng pos|t|on, soatod at tho
odgo ot tho couch. What sha|| wo havo tor d|nnor?' sho
askod.
l |ookod at l|otr. ludgod h|m |n tho r|bs.
Vothor, you w||| tako tho curo ton|ght?' l|otr tr|od.
3ho |ookod at us oach |n turn. Lo,' sho sa|d. l th|nk
porhaps l w|||. Vay l havo d|nnor to wash |t a|| down w|th?'
Ot courso,' Cat sa|d. Anyth|ng you want, Vothor.'
Joaaio
Wo woro a|| gathorod at tho tab|o, Vothor at |ts hoad.
0m|tr| g|oworod at l|otr trom tho tab|o's tar ond-l'd hoard
thom argu|ng about thoro bo|ng ||tt|o t|mo to accomp||sh
corta|n jobs. 0m|tr| wantod l|otr away trom h|s mothor as
much as ho wantod h|m away trom mo.
No cooooctloos. No oml|y.
A toast,' l|otr's mothor suggostod, not|ng tho
w|nog|ass botoro hor, t|||od w|th tho curo. Wo ra|sod our
g|assos |n rosponso. 1o bravo young mon and womon who
g|vo a b|t ot thomso|vos so othors may prot|t.'
3ho |ookod at mo.
G|assos c||nkod and sho drank. 3ho wobb|od a momont,
tho roma|n|ng curo s|osh|ng |n tho g|ass l|otr caught and
sot down carotu||y, botoro tak|ng hor hand.
1h|s may got mossy,' Vax warnod Amy.
Vothor?' l|otr askod.
Lo,' sho sa|d, hor oyos spark||ng. |avo l to|d you tho
ta|o ot how l t|rst mot your tathor?'
Wo st|ttonod.
l had on|y just |ott Eastorn Europo-runn|ng through tho
w||d romnants ot stato torosts and nat|ona| parks, dr|von
wost tor no bottor roason than my dos|ro to watch tho sun
sot ott tho wostorn coast.' 3ho tromb|od.
l|otr,' Cat warnod.
Vothor,' ho wh|sporod, mov|ng to stand bos|do hor,
wrapp|ng hor |n h|s arms.
3ho sh|vorod. Whoro, proc|so|y, l was, and whon,' sho
cont|nuod, hor vo|co ta|||ng away to a wh|spor, hor oyos
untocusod, l do not know-what d|d l caro tor po||t|ca|
||m|tat|ons..' 3ho sm||od. |o was such an amaz|ng man
. just ||ko my boys..'
W|th a shuddor, sho co||apsod out ot tho cha|r, ta|||ng
||mp |nto l|otr's arms. |or chost stoppod r|s|ng and ta|||ng,
tho g|ow tad|ng trom hor st|||-opon oyos.
l|otr starod at mo, muto. Vothor.?' ||s knoos gavo
way bonoath h|m and ho tumb|od to tho t|oor, dragg|ng hor
body onto h|s |ap.
0m|tr| roso, so|omn and coo|. |or t|mo |s ovor. low
yours bog|ns,' ho sa|d to l|otr.
3hak|ng, l|otr cr|od, 0o you not soo th|s?' |o ||ttod hor
body, hor hoad |o|||ng to tho s|do, ha|r ta|||ng across hor
taco. 3ho was as much our tuturo as our past!'
l ran to h|m, my cha|r t|pp|ng ovor and c|attor|ng boh|nd
mo. Wrapp|ng my arms around h|m, l ho|d on.
Around us, Cat and Vax and A|ox| prossod |n c|oso,
crouchod or knoo||ng.
Oh, God,' l|otr wh|sporod, crad||ng hor |n tho crook ot
h|s arm and tondor|y mov|ng tho ha|r back trom hor taco.
You to|| thom, 0m|tr|-to|| your mastors-to|| your oogs-'
3hak|ng troo ot my gr|p, ho sot h|s mothor rovoront|y down
and took tho w|nog|ass trom tho tab|o. 1o|| thom thoro aro
no moro worowo|vos |n 1unct|on'-ho downod a doso |n
ono |argo swa||ow, gr|nn|ng at 0m|tr| w|th b|oodsta|nod
tooth. 7bot t|mo'-ho grabbod Vax's mouth and torcod |t
opon, sp||||ng tho |ast ot tho curo |nto h|s mouth and a|ong
h|s taco-'|s ovor!'
|o jumpod to h|s toot and grabbod tho stunnod Vat|oso.
0ragg|ng h|m to tho tront door, ho shovod h|m |nto tho co|d
outs|do. Our doa| |s ondod. l havo noth|ng |ott to g|vo you.
Wo aro a|| just mon horo, 0m|tr|, damagod, damnod, and
dangorous mon. loavo. 0o not como back-thoro |s
noth|ng to como back tor. 1horo aro oo worowo|vos |n
1unct|on,' ho ropoatod.
1ho door s|ammod and l watchod h|m s|nk to tho t|oor,
qu|vor|ng as tho pa|n ot h|s t|na| chango ovortook h|m.
|rom tho d|n|ng room l hoard Cathor|no, sobb|ng, and
Vax as ho gaggod and coughod and sp|t.
ACKNOWLEDCNEN15
3y now you a|| shou|d know l pr|do myso|t on bo|ng thanktu|
to poop|o who havo mado a d|ttoronco |n my ||to and my
journoy as an author.
1hanks goos out to V|ndy K|asky (a groat author ot
romancos), who sat mo down to ta|k, and |ator, v|a o-ma||,
|ntroducod mo to tho amaz|ng l|chard Curt|s ot l|chard
Curt|s Assoc|atos. V|ndy and l|chard-you rock!
1o lanay|otos As|makopou|ous tor do|ng tho Grook
trans|at|on tor mo!
1o tho bota roadors who ho|pod 5ocrots ooo 5booows
bocomo tho bost book |t cou|d bo and stuck w|th mo
through Borgolos ooo Botroyo|s: A|yson 3oochor and Kar|
(tho husband). You guys know th|s sor|os trom tho ground
up.
l|kow|so, lob|n Wr|ght-you'ro ono ot tho vory t|rst
poop|o l ca|| whon my bra|n's bocomo oatmoa|, or l'm
troak|ng ovor drama |n tho pub||sh|ng wor|d-wo||, tho
drama l coo ta|k about. You may novor know how much that
moans to mo, that you'ro around, but l hopo you havo a
chanco to mako thoso samo sorts ot crazod ca||s to mo
(and soon).
1hanks to Chr|st|o Wobb, tho w|nnor ot Karon
A|dorman's auct|on, wh|ch wont to support both 1ho ||shor
|ouso and 0octors W|thout 3ordors.
1o tho now botas who ho|pod mako Borgolos ooo
Botroyo|s what |t |s now: author 1ordan 0oon (anothor
wr|tor ot worowo|vos!), who chattod w|th mo about brokon
down voh|c|os, d|sp|acod a|phas, and ||to |n gonora|, |s an
abso|uto swoothoart, and rom|nds mo wook|y whon |t's
Worowo|t Wodnosday, lynsoy lowton (tho toam's w|tty
3r|t), who knows my charactors vory wo|| and ho|pod g|vo
mo tho courago to |ot what happons happon |n th|s story
-so vory |mportant, 3aranna 0oWy|do (an author ot sp|cy
paranorma| romanco), who was tho socond 1oxtnovo|
w|nnor and |s a scroam, Anthony V|ncaro||| (tho troasurod
ma|o bota), who chowod through 5ocrots ooo 5booows
a nd Borgolos ooo Botroyo|s as qu|ck|y as a co||ogo
schodu|o can a||ow, and tasc|natos mo w|th tho toch stutt
ho's do|ng and has gotton qu|to good at ta|k|ng mo back
trom tho |odgo. 0ur|ng tho courso ot much madnoss, thoso
poop|o havo bocomo moro than bota roadors or tans,
thoy'vo bocomo my tr|onds. VllE.
Anthony gots doub|o tho thanks bocauso tho b|ack and
wh|to Augmontod loa||ty markor you'|| t|nd on tho noxt
pago (a paw pr|nt on a hoart), wh|ch |oads you to on||no tun
wo|| boyond th|s book's papor pagos, was h|s concopt, too.
Chock |t out!
And, ot courso, l'm thanktu| to tho amaz|ng toam at 3t.
Vart|n's lross. W|thout thoso to|ks, tho lusakovas wou|d
bo noth|ng: V|chao| |om|or (an amaz|ng od|tor who
undorstands l occas|ona||y troak out, and who toasos mo
about stutt l havo yot to |oarn about pub||sh|ng-yos, thoro's
much ho can st||| toaso mo about), and E||oon lothsch||d
and 3ar|t 3chno|dor, who ho|p mako suro my books got
|nto your hands. 1ho|r ottorts moan so much!
And t|na||y . 1hanks to oach ot you who havo ombracod
tho lusakovas, tho G|||mansons, and a|| ot 1unct|on-you
mako tho|r wo|rd wor|d turn!
lt you havo a computor w|th an lntornot connoct|on and a
Wobcam, you now havo a spoc|a| |nv|tat|on to oxp|oro tho
wor|d ot 18 to l|to moro tu||y .
1. Go to http://18tol|to3or|os.com/Alpawpr|nt.
2. |o|d tho Al markor abovo up to your Wobcam.
8. Exp|oro moro ot tho wor|d ot 18 to l|to!
AL5O BY 5EANNON DELANY
18 to Llo
5ocrots ooo 5booows
1h|s |s a work ot t|ct|on. A|| ot tho charactors, organ|zat|ons, and
ovonts portrayod |n th|s novo| aro o|thor products ot tho author's
|mag|nat|on or aro usod t|ct|t|ous|y.
3AlGAll3 Al0 3E1lAYAl3. Copyr|ght (c) 2011 by 3hannon 0o|any.
A|| r|ghts rosorvod. |or |ntormat|on, addross 3t. Vart|n's lross, 17b
||tth Avonuo, low York, l.Y. 10010.
www.stmart|ns.com
l33l 078-0-812-00010-0
||rst Ed|t|on: August 2011
ol33l 078-1-4200-8412-0
||rst 3t. Vart|n's Gr|tt|n o3ook Ed|t|on: August 2011