Unconditional love: Science and Spirituality

by Dr Abhishek V

Most people who claim to love someone dont really love them, because they dont know what love actually is. To love someone unconditionally means that you love the person exactly as they are, exactly as they were before, and exactly as they will be in the future because people change all the time, so if you love the person, you will love them even if they become something you disagree with. Love is not about you or your pleasure or your amusement. Its not about what you get out of it or what the other person can give to you. Its not about having a trophy you can show off with and tell people This is *MY* girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/son/daughter/whatever. You do not own anyone. Its not about you feeling proud to be with someone who always agrees with everything you say and do and never does anything you disagree with. Unconditional love means that the person can just live their life exactly as they choose and you will always be there for them no matter what. So, how does unconditional love fit in with relationships and marriage and sex and all that stuff the whole world keeps going crazy over? It doesnt, really. It doesnt fit in anywhere. Relationships are like trying to put love into a box and keep it there, except love is infinitely sized, and the box is Unconditional love is more of a spiritual thing. Its not bound by physical things, like blood relations and the desire to procreate. It has nothing whatsoever to do with sex. In religion, unconditional love is thought to be part of The Four Loves; affection, friendship, romance, and unconditional. In ethology, or the study of animal behavior, unconditional love would refer to altruism which in turn refers to the behavior by individuals that increases the fitness of another while decreasing the fitness of the individual committing the act. In psychology, unconditional love would refer to a state of mind in which the individual has the goal of increasing the welfare of another, despite any evidence of benefit for them self. Some secular authors make a distinction between unconditional love and conditional love. In conditional love: love is 'earned' on the basis of conscious or unconscious conditions being met by the lover, whereas in unconditional love, love is 'given freely' to the loved one 'no matter what'. Loving first. Conditional love requires some kind of finite exchange, whereas unconditional love is seen as infinite and measureless. Unconditional love should not be mistaken with unconditional dedication: unconditional dedication refers to an act of the will irrespective of feelings (e.g. a person may consider they have a duty to stay with a person); unconditional love is an act of the feelings irrespective of will.

Science of love
Studies in neuroscience have involved chemicals that are present in the brain and might be involved when people experience love. These chemicals include: nerve growth factor1 testosterone,estrogen, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, and vasopressin2. Adequate brain levels of testosterone seem important for both human male and female sexual behavior3. Dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin are more commonly found during the attraction phase of a relationship. Oxytocin and vasopressin seemed to be more closely linked to long term bonding and relationships characterized by strong attachments. Chemically, the serotonin effects of being infatuated have a similar chemical appearance to obsessive-compulsive disorder; which could explain why people experiencing infatuation cannot think of anyone else4. For this reason some, such as anthropologist Helen Fisher, assert that taking SSRIs and other antidepressants impede one's ability to fall in love. In 2005, Italian scientists at Pavia University found that a protein molecule known as the nerve growth factor (NGF) has high levels when people first fall in love, but these return to previous levels after one year. Specifically, four neurotrophin levels (NGF, BDNF, NT-3, and NT-4) of 58 subjects who had recently fallen in love were compared with levels in two control groups who were either single or already engaged in a long-term relationship. The results showed that NGF levels were significantly higher in the subjects in love than as compared to either of the control groups. 1 In a study conducted by Mario Beauregard and his colleagues, using an fMRI procedure, they studied the brain imaging of participants who were shown different sets of images either referring unconditional love or "romantic love". Seven areas of the brain became active when these participants called to mind feelings of unconditional love. Three of these were similar to areas that became active when it came to romantic love. The other four active parts were different, showing certain brain regions(the middle insula, superior parietal lobule, right periaqueductal gray, right globus pallidus (medial), right caudate nucleus (dorsal head), left ventral tegmental area and left rostro-dorsal anterior cingulate cortex) associated with rewarding aspects, pleasurable (non sexual) feelings, and human maternal behaviors are activated during the unconditonal love portions of the experiment. Through the associations made between the different regions, results show that the feeling of love for someone without the need of being rewarded is different from the feeling of romantic love5. Limbic resonance is the capacity for sharing deep emotional states arising from the limbic system of the brain. These states include the dopamine circuit promoted feelings of empathic harmony, and the norepinephrine circuit originated emotional states of fear, anxiety and anger. The concept was first advanced in the book A General Theory of Love (2000). It refers to the capacity for empathy and non-verbal connection that is present in animals, and that forms the basis of our social connections as well as the foundation for various modes of therapy and healing. According to the authors (Thomas Lewis, M.D, Fari Amini, M.D. and Richard Lannon, M.D.), professors of psychiatry at UCSF, our nervous systems are not self-contained, but rather demonstrably attuned to those around us with whom we share a close connection. "Within the

effulgence of their new brain, mammals developed a capacity we call 'limbic resonance' a symphony of mutual exchange and internal adaptation whereby two mammals become attuned to each other's inner states." 6 Love is a good thing, there should never be any reason to have to stop loving someone or get over someone. The weird thing is that the more you try to fight against your feelings, the more they fight back. The more you accept your feelings and make peace with them, the less theyll bother you. So accept that you love this person, and dont try to get over them at all. Celebrate your love, but dont get attached to any particular outcome. Just be grateful that you have the privilege to love this person, and let that be its own reward. If you can do that, you wont need to get over anybody. True love is forever. Why then do half of the marriages in the world end in divorce, and why are so many couples always breaking up? Simple, they dont know true love. Whats true love then? True love is unconditional love. And no, thats not just limited to mothers and God. Ordinary humans can do it too but that doesnt mean its easy Unconditional love is when you love someone not for certain aspects of them that can change, but you love them for their innermost essence their soul even, if you will. Unconditional love is when you still love someone no matter how much they change, no matter how ugly they become, and no matter how many stupid things they do or how much they may hurt you. Unconditional love is something that perseveres even when it may hurt you or when it seems to go completely against your own best interests. So, yeah, its not for the faint of heart. It takes true courage to love even just one person unconditionally, and thats something not a lot of people have. So, most people in relationships dont really love each other. They might think they do, but for the most part theyre just infatuated or horny or lonely. Most relationships are based on someones needs. They either need someone to be with or they need someone to have sex with or something. Theres always some kind of an outcome that they want the love isnt its own reward. True unconditional love doesnt need a relationship to thrive, and it doesnt need any kind of outcome whatsoever. Just to be able to experience unconditional love is its own reward. The average modern romantic relationship is actually very limiting with regards to true love. Jealousy is a commonly accepted feeling its considered normal. But jealousy and true love dont actually go together at all. If you truly unconditionally love someone, why would you ever feel jealous if they spend time with other people, or even if they love other people besides you? You just wouldnt because love is a good thing, and therefore more love can only be better. And if spending time with other people makes that person happy, then that makes you happy too because you enjoy seeing that person happy. Jealousy is actually quite insane when you think about it like that. Its quite incompatible with true love.

But that doesnt mean that if you ever feel the slightest hint of jealousy, that doesnt mean you dont truly love the person. You could just be having a moment of weakness unconditional love isnt for the faint of heart, and it takes a lot of courage to keep it up. Youre only human, and nobody is perfect I doubt anyone on the planet is 100% capable of unconditional love anyway. But its worth it to see how close you can get because it really is one of the most awesome things you can do or experience. References 1. Emanuele E, Politi P, Bianchi M, Minoretti P, Bertona M, Geroldi D (April 2006). "Raised plasma nerve growth factor levels associated with early-stage romantic love".Psychoneuroendocrinology 31 (3): 28894 2. "The neurobiology of love" by S. Zeki in FEBS Lett. (2007) Volume 581 pages 25752579. 3. Bancroft J (September 2005). "The endocrinology of sexual arousal". The Journal of Endocrinology 186 (3): 41127. 4. Sandroni P (October 2001). "Aphrodisiacs past and present: a historical review". Clinical Autonomic Research 11 (5): 3037 . 5. Beauregard, Mario; Jerome Courtemanche, Vincent Paquette, Evelyne Landry St. Pierre (2009). "The neural basis of unconditional love". Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging 172: 6. 6. A General Theory of Love, Vintage Books USA, 2000, p. 63.