GetRidOfEmotionalClutter LindaPucci

Get Rid of
Emotional Clutter
How Negative Emotions and
Limiting Beliefs Block Your Dreams
and What You Can Do About It
by Linda S. Pucci, Ph.D.
Hurt
Fea
r
Ang
er
Limiting Be
liefs
Keep Baggage from the Past from Sabotaging Your Life!

Get Rid of Emotional Clutter: How Negative Emotions and Limiting Beliefs Block Your Dreams and What You Can Do About It © 2008, Linda S. Pucci, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.
Get Rid of Emotional Clutter:
How Negative Emotions and
Limiting Beliefs Block Your Dreams
and What You Can Do About It
By Linda S. Pucci, Ph.D.
Copyright © 2008 by Linda S. Pucci, Ph.D.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,
electronically or mechanically, including photocopying, recording, file sharing, or any information storage
and retrieval system without prior written permission of the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotes
in a review.
Published by Tree of Serenity Press

Maryville, Tennessee
Book Cover Design by Mary Bristol Designs
Library of Congress Control Number:

ISBN: 978-0-9647822-2-7
Requests for permission to make copies of any part of this book can be made to:
Linda S. Pucci, Ph.D.

202 River Ford Road
Maryville, TN 37804
(865) 983-7544
Linda@InnerResourceCenter.com
http://www.InnerResourceCenter.com
The author and publisher exert all efforts to insure that the information in this book is accurate. However the
author and publisher do not warrant or guarantee the accuracy of this information by the reader. The content
of this e-book is intended for the purposes of personal growth, not psychotherapy. The author affirms that she
has not been engaged by any of the readers to be their psychotherapist, coach, counselor and the like unless
there has been a written contract signed by the publisher, author and reader.
Acknowledgments
There are many people to thank, and I am enormously grateful for the support and encouragement of my
friends, family and colleagues in this process of writing this e-book.
First, no project like this can be undertaken without support on the home front. My husband Bernie makes
it all possible by encouraging me and jumping in when I’m too busy to feed the horses or walk the dog. I give
him not only my thanks, but all my love. My animal family also provides their quiet support and helps me
maintain my balance by reminding me what is most important. I give my thanks and lots of pets to my dog,
Luke Skywalker; my cats, Lily, Guido, Darcy Lynn, Kitty Katy; and my horse friends, Ginger Snap, Shade,
Preacher and Goomba.
My thanks to Beth Woodward, Marketing on the Playground and Adventures in Brainstorming, for her help
in honing my message, refining my concept of emotional clutter, and for encouraging me to undertake this
project despite the deadlines. I also appreciate Nancy Wilber, Growth Strategy Partners for her assistance
in helping me clarify my “bright shiny objects” into a strategy and action plan, and for tolerating me as
her sister for all these years (like she had a choice). Thanks also to Kendall SummerHawk who encouraged
me and helped me lay the groundwork to create multiple information projects. My thanks to Rob Schultz,
Audacious Audio, who helped me “think outside the box” with my e-zine articles, and helped me master
the process of article marketing, which later grew into this e-book. I also want to thank Mary Bristol for her
cover design, formatting and layout with incredibly short notice, and Mary K. (Katie) LaFrance for helping
with this project.
Special thanks to my NLP buddies. Even though distance separates us, we remain connected and supporting
each other: Julie Hawkins, Nina Price, Lane Pierce, and Alexi Sebasttien. I particularly want to thank Alan B.
Densky for giving me an opportunity to distribute this e-book and participate in the bonus program for his
products.
My friends, Wendy Pitts Reeves, Melanie McGhee and Pam Salem are always there to support me in any
project I take on, and this one was no exception. I really appreciate that support, and hope that I can return
the favor someday soon.
Last, but not least, my thanks to my clients, from whom I have learned so much. You have helped me to
better understand my craft and to fully appreciate just how quickly transformation can occur. Thank you for
allowing me to accompany you on your journey, and congratulations on your success.

Table of Contents
Part One: What is Emotional Clutter

1 What is Emotional Clutter 6
2 Negative Emotions from the Past 8
3 Limiting Beliefs 15
4 Emotional Clutter Can Shape Your Identity 19
Part Two: Getting Ready to Get Rid of Emotional Clutter

5 Getting Ready to Clean Your Emotional Clutter 24
Part Three: Getting Rid of Emotional Clutter

6 An Overview of the Process 31
7 Changing Your Emotions 33
8 Get Rid of Emotional Clutter by Reframing 40
9 Advanced Methods for Getting Rid of Emotional Clutter 46
Part Four: The Importance of Boundaries

10 The Importance of Boundaries 49
Part Five: Keep Emotional Clutter at Bay

11 Keeping On Track 52
About the Author 55

Part One
What Is Emotional Clutter?

Chapter One
What is Emotional Clutter?
Most of us are familiar with physical clutter. Physical clutter consists of all those things we hang onto which
we no longer need, no longer want, and which lead to confusion or disorder in our physical environment.
I use the term emotional clutter (or sometimes “mental clutter”) to refer to those emotions, memories and
remnants that we hang on to from our past experiences; those things that end up getting in our way and
causing disorder in our lives. Just as physical clutter gets in the way of our ability to get things done in our
home or office, emotional clutter gets in the way of our being able to achieve our goals, have satisfying
relationships, and be happy.
How Emotional Clutter Is Born

In my experience, emotional clutter is the result of three things: “Emotional clutter gets in
1. Negative emotions from past experiences. the way of our being able
Many people hang on to negative emotions they
to achieve our goals, have
experienced from past events in their lives, some-
times even from childhood. satisfying relationships,
2. Beliefs formed as a result of past experiences.
and be happy.”
These beliefs often limit you from believing in yourself,
and may even form an identity that blocks you from
being successful or happy. At times these limiting
beliefs may even join with other beliefs to form a belief system, such as when someone has a
number of limiting or negative beliefs about themselves which lead them to poor self-esteem.
3. Failure to set or enforce boundaries.

The boundaries we set and enforce help define us and insure that others respect the things that are
most important to us. When we don’t set boundaries, or don’t enforce the boundaries we have set,
we enable others to disrespect us, pull us into their drama, and we open the door for more negative
experiences.
Is Emotional Clutter Inevitable?

Some people believe that emotional clutter is an inevitable part of life. They believe that you can’t escape
from the negative things you’ve experienced and how you feel about them. They believe that their identity as
a victim can’t change. They believe all sorts of limiting beliefs and don’t believe they can change them. They
believe that they’ll always be picked on, ridiculed or disrespected. They don’t really think it is possible to
reach their dreams.

Just like physical clutter keeps you from seeing what you have or finding what you need, emotional clutter
blocks you from using the resources you need to move forward. When emotional clutter is in the way, you
aren’t able to see what you have going for you because negative emotions and limiting beliefs clutter up your
life. You hang on to them, and they block you from happiness and from having the life you would like to have.
You Really Can Get Rid of It

The message of this book is that you can get rid of emotional clutter. You can get rid of those mental blocks
that trip you up, sabotaging your dreams. This book will show you how to do it, and enable you to find
beneath the clutter all the resources that you already have around you and inside you to make your dreams
come true. Moving the clutter out of the way makes it possible to access those resources. And then your
dreams are born.

Chapter Two
Negative Emotions from the Past
One of the biggest problems with emotional clutter is that we are often unaware that it is there. Just like
the piles of physical clutter that inhabit a junk drawer, a pile beneath your desk, or your garage, we often
forget exactly what is there. Emotional clutter–those negative emotions from past experiences, those
limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves and what is possible–often operate below our level of conscious
awareness. Our memory of events gets stored unconsciously–buried beneath other, more immediate, and
sometimes more pressing information.
The Role of the Unconscious Mind

We store memories and other information unconsciously, out of sight and out of mind until we need it and
retrieve it. Then it enters our conscious mind where we can think about it logically and utilize it. Although
information stored unconsciously is accessible, we have to call it forward into our consciousness.
Actually, our unconscious mind does a large number of different
things for us. It stores our memories, even keeping track of when an “Emotional clutter–those
event happened. It organizes those memories, linking memories that
share an emotion or something in common. Our unconscious mind
negative emotions from
handles our emotions. It represses memories when there is past experiences, those
unresolved emotion, and presents them again to resolve them. It
allows the emotions to release. Sometimes it keeps the emotions limiting beliefs we hold
hidden and repressed in order to protect us.
about ourselves and what
Our unconscious mind runs our body. We don’t have to think
consciously about breathing in and out, or focus on digesting our
is possible–often operate
food, or sending blood through our bloodstream. Our unconscious below our level of
mind does all that without our having to think about it. Probably the
most important task the unconscious mind does is to maintain the conscious awareness.”
integrity of our body–to protect our body from harm. This includes
our “fight or flight” response and our immune system.
Your unconscious mind is actually the part of you that controls and maintains all your perceptions. Your
perceptions are the ways in which you view the world and everything in it. It is the filter through which you
pass all your experiences. Your perceptions of situations and your view of the world rest in your unconscious
mind where it is sometimes shared with your conscious mind, at which time it comes into your awareness.
Your unconscious mind is the seat of all your energy. It generates, stores, shares and transmits the energy
with which you interact with the world. This includes your motivation, your instincts, and the energy you
transmit into the natural world.
Habits are both stored and generated in the unconscious mind, where they often operate without aware-
ness. If you’ve ever had an urge, it was most likely not something you thought of consciously; it came to you

through your unconscious mind. Your unconscious mind needs repetition to install a habit, so whether your
habit is good or bad, the same mechanism exists to create it or replace it.
Your unconscious mind is highly moral, and seeks to conform to the morality you were taught and which
you accepted. Your unconscious mind needs clear orders to follow, but really has your best interests at heart.
It just isn’t always sure what your best interests are.
Whereas we think in words when using our conscious minds, our unconscious minds respond to symbols.
It is our unconscious mind that create those wild dreams we sometimes have. Our unconscious mind
responds to metaphors, visualization, as well as pictures and sounds that represent something else.
Programmed and driven to seek more and more, our unconscious mind loves learning new things, and
taking on new challenges. At the same time, it takes everything personally. Everything that you perceive
is run through the unconscious mind’s filter and applied to yourself and your world. Ultimately, your
unconscious seeks wholeness and integration.
Change and transformation actually occurs at the level of your unconscious mind. Because of that, change is
possible very quickly–even though the conscious mind may need some convincing and testing to make sure
the change is real. Your unconscious mind is looking for what will require the least effort, and looks for the
quickest, more efficient way to achieve the desired outcome.
An important thing to note is that the unconscious mind is unable to directly process negatives. If I say to
you: “Don’t think about elephants,” your mind first creates an elephant, then tries to get rid of it. When we
try not to think of something, or when we formulate a goal that involves “not doing” something, stopping
something, or not having some negative outcome, our unconscious mind can’t really understand that we
want to get rid of that thing we are thinking about; not create it or attract it. For example, if I set a goal to
“stop smoking” or “not be fat,” my unconscious mind first has to create “smoking” and “fat,” then attempt
to get rid of what has been created. Whether you are trying to end your insomnia or stop being broke, your
mind first creates the outcome you are hoping to change. Then, it tries to get rid of it. The trouble is, once it
is there, it often becomes extremely difficult to change.
Your unconscious mind may be confused by these negative goals. It may think you want that negative
outcome. After all, you thought about it, and your unconscious mind is busy trying to find you more of what
you think about. Whether you understand this process as the Law of Attraction, or whether you understand
it is part of quantum physics or the workings of your brain, the outcome created is chaos and delay in
getting what you truly want as more negatives are attracted.
Understanding Negative Emotions

All of us experience negative emotions from time to time. They are a normal part of living. Negative
emotions consist of anger, sadness, hurt, fear, guilt and anxiety. Along with these emotions may be others
that are part of a particular emotion’s “family.” For instance, rage, frustration, and irritation may all be part
of the “anger family.” Disappointment, dismay, and depression could be part of the “sadness family.”
Emotions, even negative emotions, aren’t right or wrong. They just ARE. We feel them in response to things
that happen to us. The type of emotion we feel depends on the kind of experience we’ve had.

The problem with negative emotions is that often we carry them around long after the situation that evoked
them. For example, we may STILL be angry about something that happened years ago. We are still afraid
of repeating mistakes we made when we were younger. We still feel guilty about something we did last year.
We’re still hurt by how someone treated us way back when. Our feelings from old experiences become part
of the emotional clutter in our lives.
Sometimes people believe that they need to hang on to old emotions from the past to make sure they
remember some life lesson. We cling to our old anger or sadness or hurt so that we’ll remember not to get
into that situation again.
Sometimes we hang on to old anger because we don’t want to forgive the person who has wronged us. We
might believe that hanging on to the anger will somehow allow us to bring that person to justice. We might
hang on to old wounds because we think that staying hurt will remind us not to trust that person or others
like them.
In fact, the lessons from the experiences in your life have nothing to do with the negative emotion you are
saving. The learning and the emotions are, in actuality, completely separate. When you’ve learned your life
lessons from the experiences you’ve had, you can easily let go of the negative emotion.
The Cumulative Effect

Hanging on to an emotion from a single episode, while not the best for you, probably wouldn’t constitute
mental clutter. It is the cumulative effect that makes it so problematic.
Think for a moment about paper clutter. It usually starts out as a few papers, and then grows into a pile,
then maybe several piles. Pretty soon it takes over your desk or table, and eventually your office or a room
(or more) in your house.
It is the cumulative effect of saving all that junk that ends up affecting your quality of life. The same is true
for emotional clutter.
How does this work? Imagine for a moment that you are four years old. Another child has hit you over the
head and stolen your toy. You feel a feeling that you might call “anger,” or you might have another name for,
like “mad” or “upset.”
As you go through your life, you may have other events where this feeling is present. Because these events
have the same feeling attached to them, they tend to get linked together. It is as if we say to ourselves, “Oh,
this is just like that other time, when somebody did something I didn’t like.” We begin to link all similar
experiences together, and begin to develop a working model in our memory. We end up having a whole
string of events where anger was present. We carry all those experiences around with us in our unconscious
mind, and every time anger is triggered, we have the whole string to remind us what anger is all about.
What ends up happening is that we have such a long string of anger that when something happens today
that triggers anger, we bring the whole string with us in our reaction.
When you hang on to a negative emotion, you tend to stockpile it. You may end up carrying around 20 or 30
or 50 years worth of that negative emotion. When that happens, it colors every experience you have NOW.
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When something happens to trigger anger, for instance, you don’t just experience anger in the present, you
experience 20 or 30 or 50 years worth of it. If you are carrying around many years worth of anger, it is most
likely that when something triggers your anger today, you will overreact to the situation. That overreaction
then alienates others who don’t understand why your reaction is so intense.
If you’ve ever felt foolish because you’ve reacted too intensely for the situation, that overreaction is probably
because of negative emotions that have built up and that have just erupted like a volcano. When that
happens, people tend to look at you and are puzzled by your reaction.
The Threat to Your Body

Not only do you alienate others by your overreactions, stockpiling and hanging on to your negative
emotions are not good for YOU. Remember when we talked about the role of the unconscious mind in
preserving the body? This is one of the most important things your unconscious mind does for you.
When you hang on to negative emotions, you tend to store them in your body. If you are hanging on to
anger, you tend to store the results of that anger in every cell. Whether you are actively exploding or not,
your body is retaining that anger and it is actually harming you. This is no joke. Research has shown the
relationship between stress and disease, and even found specific evidence correlating anger and the
development of cancer.
Negative emotions don’t just clutter up your life; they threaten your life by affecting your health. Letting
go of these negative emotions will help you feel better both emotionally and physically.
Messages from Negative Emotions

If negative emotions have the potential to be so damaging, why do we experience them in the first place?
I suspect that all emotions evolved as a way to signal us to pay attention to something. Emotions carry with
them messages and may underscore the learning that we are supposed to get from our experiences.
Anger
For example, when you feel angry, the message may be that that someone is violating your boundaries
–disrespecting you in some way, ignoring what is most important to you. Anger also is present naturally
when someone isn’t being congruent in their interactions with you–their inside intention doesn’t match
the outside persona they display to the world. In other words, they are being phony with you. The anger
you experience through body sensations gives you the message to watch your boundaries and watch to see
if people are being honest with you.
When the emotion presents itself, I believe that it signals that there is some action you need to take. In the
case of anger, you may need to set or enforce your boundaries. Or, if someone isn’t being honest, you may
need to call them on it, or reassess your relationship with them.
Essentially, when you heed the message from the emotion, and take appropriate action, the anger will just
flow through you, and on out and away. You have heeded the signal. You got the message.
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Frustration
The emotion of frustration is there to give you the message that the action you are taking is not effective.
The action you need to take when you feel frustrated is to evaluate your strategy. Look for something that
will be more effective than what you are currently doing. This sometimes involves mentally or emotionally
shifting gears, and changing your approach to a problem or person.
Sadness and Grief

Sadness is an emotion that asks you to acknowledge and release a loss that is imminent, and which is in
your best interest to let go. Grief is there to remind you that there is no choice about releasing something;
that the loss or death has already occurred. When you feel either of these emotions, generally you need to
acknowledge the loss. This may involve clearly recognizing the loss and figuring out what you need to do in
order to move on. Sometimes moving on involves honoring the person who is gone, sometimes it involves
creating a new approach to your life–in the absence of the thing or person you’ve lost.
Fear
Fear is an intuitive awareness that there is a threat to your physical, mental, emotional or spiritual
well-being. All of us have the “fight or flight” response hard-wired into our neurology. “Fight or flight” is
the instinctual response of all animals in the face of danger. Fear allows you to activate this mechanism, as
you realize that danger exists and needs to be responded to in some manner. This mechanism allows you to
prepare physiologically to either fight to defend yourself and survive, or flee to save yourself.
When people hang on to fear, they unfortunately sometimes activate a third response. If fear has been a
major negative emotion that has been prevalent in their life, the response to danger may, in fact, be freezing.
When this happens, the person becomes paralyzed by fear, and unable to take steps to protect themselves.
Obviously, this leads to a situation where they are not really able to protect themselves in the face of danger.
When working properly, fear signals that danger is imminent, and the person unconsciously responds
through the fight or flight response, taking the appropriate action.
Vulnerability and Hurt

When you feel vulnerable, that negative emotion is there to alert you that something significant is about to
change or be revealed. It allows you to be ready to face that change.
When you feel hurt, the message is usually that someone has done something which is a violation of your
boundaries. They have disrespected you, discounted you, or ignored your feelings. In this situation, that
person has deliberately done something to hurt you, or accidently done something that has hurt you. The
action usually requires setting and enforcing boundaries, including calling them on their behavior.
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Guilt
Guilt is there to signal that you have violated someone else’s boundaries or your own. When you feel guilty,
you can look to see if you’ve hurt someone and take appropriate steps to stop doing it, and make amends to
them.
When you feel guilty because of violating your own boundaries, it is usually because you have done
something that goes against your own values. For example, if honesty is one of your values, and you cheat
on a test, you are likely to feel the emotion of guilt as a way of signaling you to become more congruent with
your own values.
Heeding the Messages from Emotions

Although positive emotions have message too, they are usually not as problematic as the so-called negative
emotions. We don’t mind hanging on to happiness or joy.
Notice that there is no judgment about emotions. The message from the emotion is there, and if heeded, the
emotion dissipates. The message has been received.
Stockpiling Negative Emotions

It is when the message is ignored, however, that problems begin. Like a child having a temper tantrum who
is being ignored, the emotion intensifies. It may then begin to cause serious problems such as depression,
rage, shame, suicidal urges, anxiety and/or panic.
Heeding the message then may be problematic because of the impact those intensified emotions have on our
lives and those around us. The emotional clutter pile has grown so big that it is obliterating everything else.
Most times, people don’t just stockpile a single emotion. If they tend to hang on to anger, they also tend to
hang on to hurt or fear or guilt or any other negative emotion or combination of negative emotions.
Not only do they overreact and alienate others, they lose their ability to enjoy their lives. They are
sometimes unable to connect with their self-confidence or self-esteem.
Depression
In fact, when negative the negative emotions of anger, sadness, hurt or fear are stockpiled, they can lead to
depression. Depression is more than just “feeling blue;” it is a debilitating illness. It is accompanied by a loss
of interest in activities you used to enjoy; social withdrawal, even from those closest to you; and often
physical symptoms such as lack of appetite, or insomnia. Once depression has entered the picture,
professional help through medications or psychotherapy may be necessary.
The best prevention for depression is handling negative emotions when they occur. We’ll be talking later in
this book about how to do that.
For the time being, take a good look at how negative emotions have affected YOUR life. Are you buried in
the emotional clutter from those emotions? Or do you only have a few piles of emotional clutter to clear out
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and get rid of? Usually we all have SOME. The key is to deal with it so that it does not adversely affect our
lives, our health and our relationships.
Story: Barb had probably been depressed for most of her life. Although she had been in therapy for
20 years, she still tended to feel angry, hurt and sad in reaction to situations that happened to her.
Anti-depressants had been somewhat helpful, but she still felt depressed, often having difficulty
sleeping or enjoying life. She often avoided phone calls from family or friends, as she just felt more
upset after talking to them. Letting go of Barb’s negative emotions of anger, sadness, and hurt
made a huge difference in how she felt. (She also had to let go of some limiting beliefs related to
childhood abuse). As she told me the last time we talked, “For the first time in my life, I
actually feel JOY!” That is what clearing out emotional clutter can do.
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Chapter Three
Limiting Beliefs
Limiting beliefs are those beliefs we hold (usually about ourselves) that keep us from achieving our goals,
keep us from being the best we are capable of being, and essentially crush our success.
Limiting beliefs can be about anything. The most toxic are usually formed in childhood or adolescence in
response to a negative experience.
How Limiting Beliefs Are Born

As a result of some experience or event in our life, we have a
negative emotional response–usually anger, sadness, hurt, “Limiting Beliefs
fear, guilt or an emotion that is member of one of those
operate like a
families of emotions. In order to deal with that emotion, we
may form a belief. computer virus,
For example, if you were excluded from a birthday party when chugging away below
you were seven years old, you might have believed “I’m not
good enough.” That belief formed unconsciously, and was our level of awareness,
designed to reduce the pain in some way. In this example, it
messing up our system
might be easier to believe that you were lacking in some way,
rather than believe that you weren’t liked. “I’m not good enough” and our lives.”
holds out the hope that you might someday do something to
make yourself “good enough.”
Notice that this particular belief puts you in the position of being a victim. It isn’t anything you did or didn’t
do; it was just a function of someone else’s opinion or behavior. You couldn’t help it. You were a victim.
A belief like this may simmer below your level of consciousness, and be reinforced by other situations as you
go through life. Just as a common emotion ties together events in your memory, common beliefs may tie
experiences together in your memory.
Once a belief is formed, it is as if it takes on a life of its own. Whenever we form a belief, no matter what it
is, or for what reason, the belief becomes more and more certain. We tend to distort evidence that doesn’t
reinforce that belief. We ignore evidence to the contrary. We make assumptions to reinforce our belief in the
absence of evidence.
For example, if someone doesn’t call us, we may assume that “I’m not good enough to be friends with”
instead of checking to see if they are busy or if they really are upset with us. The more so-called evidence
we accumulate to support our belief, the more entrenched it becomes. Some people get to the position
where they never even consider an alternate explanation. The belief becomes carved in stone and there are
no other possibilities.
Sound too extreme? Actually we all do it. Our beliefs may vary, but we all do this about our own beliefs.
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Limiting Beliefs Operate Outside Awareness
Add to this the fact that our limiting beliefs usually operate outside of our awareness. They operate like a
computer virus, chugging away below our level of awareness, messing up our system and our lives.
What makes limiting beliefs so difficult to remove is that we are not aware of them. People sometimes
discover that they did even know they held the limiting belief. If asked, they might report that “I’m as good
as anyone else.” But underneath it all, at an unconscious level, they may really believe that they “aren’t good
enough.”
It is the unconscious belief that ALWAYS trumps the conscious. For example, many of us have had the
experience of consciously deciding to do something, but your unconscious takes over despite your best
intentions. Ever wanted to eat healthy foods, but had that craving for a treat derail you? That’s your
unconscious mind overcoming your conscious intentions.
Common Limiting Beliefs

Some limiting beliefs are general beliefs we hold about ourselves; others are active in a particular context.
Let’s look at some common examples of limiting beliefs that show up in general circumstances:
“I’m not good enough.”

“I’m not smart enough.”
“I’m too old.”
“I’m too young.”
“I can’t do it.”
“I don’t know enough.”
“I won’t be able to.”
“I don’t have enough money.”
“I don’t deserve...”
“I’m not worthy.”
“I’m not loveable.”
“I’ll never...”
Can you notice which of these beliefs resonates for you? Are any of these your unconscious beliefs?
If so, write them down.
Beliefs about Money

Many people I work with struggle with money issues in their life or their business. There are several
specific beliefs that limit financial prosperity and abundance. For example:
“Money is the root of all evil.”

“People won’t like me if I’m rich.”
“There isn’t enough to go around.”
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“I just want to make enough money to get by.”
“Rich people are stuck up.”
“Having money would change me.”
“If I earn more, I’ll have to pay more taxes.”
“You have to work hard to make money.”
“Money is for other people. It’s not for me.”
“Money is hard to manage.”
“It is difficult to make a lot of money.”
“You need money to make money.”
“Having money isn’t spiritual.”
“I’ll never be rich!”
“No matter what I do, I will never have enough money.”
“I don’t deserve to be successful.”
“I’m not worthy of earning a lot of money.”
You can understand how these beliefs might sabotage efforts to make more money or to be more successful.
When you have a particular belief, it provides instructions to your unconscious mind. Your unconscious
mind is willing to do what you want, but thinks that these beliefs reflect what you want.
Story: Carol always struggled to make ends meet. Although she managed to stay afloat
financially, she had difficulty making enough to provide a financial cushion. Self-employed,
she was often heard to say, “I just want to make enough money to get by!” Whenever she got
ahead, some unexpected expense would come along. Her car needed repairs; her son needed
braces. She would end up with just enough money to get by. It wasn’t until she realized the
consequences of saying this that she was able to let go of this belief and form another about
“being able to keep a couple thousand dollars in savings.” Then, not only did she have a
cushion, but she was able to keep money in savings despite the occasional need to tap it
for unexpected expenses.

Exercise
Pick an area of your life that isn’t working as well as you would like. Sit down with a pad of paper and
brainstorm about all the beliefs you grew up with, beliefs your family may have had about this particular
topic. Write them down as fast as you think of them. You are only recording them; not evaluating them.
Next ask your unconscious mind “What do I believe about this area or my life?” Just allow the ideas to pop
into your head. Write them down when they do. You will want to target these limiting beliefs with the
interventions described in Part Three.
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An Example: Limiting Beliefs about Weight Loss
For example: If you aren’t losing weight the way you’d like, ask yourself, “What do I believe about losing
weight?” You might come up with answers such as:
“In order to lose weight, I won’t be able to eat the foods I really like.”
“Losing weight is difficult.”
“I’ll never taste chocolate again!”
“If I lose weight, I’ll get unwanted sexual attention.”
“My friends won’t like me if I’m skinny.”
“Going to parties won’t be any fun because I won’t be able to eat or drink.”
“I’ll have to spend a lot of money on a new wardrobe.”
“I won’t be able to keep it off.”
“Food that is good for you doesn’t taste good.”
“I’ve been this way all my life.”
Remember, your unconscious mind is trying to make these beliefs true. These beliefs are likely to limit your
ability to shed weight the way you’d like to consciously, because unconsciously there’s resistance, rebellion,
or something negative about achieving that goal. Unless you address those limiting beliefs, they will conquer
your best conscious efforts to reach your weight loss goal.

Story: JoAnn was a successful businesswoman, but struggled to get to the next level in her career.
She was bright, highly motivated, competent and well-respected, but seemed unable to move
forward in her company despite everything she did. During the process of working together, she
realized that she held the belief “I don’t deserve success” which operated at a unconscious level
and blocked her advancement. After getting rid of this belief (and another about needing people
to approve of her), she was able to leave that job and go into business for herself. She now is
living in the house of her dreams, and is a partner in a million dollar business.
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Chapter Four
Emotional Clutter Can Shape Your Identity
If you have negative emotions and limiting beliefs from past experiences, and want to change them, you first
have to be willing to be different.
One of the biggest obstacles to change that I’ve seen in my 30 years as a psychologist and life coach is how
the identity we’ve accepted from negative experiences keeps us from being who we really are intended to be.
Identity Theft
I think of this as an identity theft. It isn’t the kind of identity theft where someone steals your personal
information in order to open accounts in your name and gain financially at your expense. The identity
theft that I find so destructive is when we allow negative experiences and emotional clutter to shape
our identity and what we believe about ourselves.
Identity Formation “If you have negative

Our identity is formed in a developmental process by the
experiences we have in our lives, the feedback we get from emotions and limiting
others about ourselves, the roles we play, and the things we beliefs from past
believe about ourselves. From these experiences, we decide
(usually unconsciously, of course) who we are. experiences, and want
Once we decide our identity, we let it guide us. We may select to change them, you first
particular careers, relationships, and experiences based upon
what we believe about ourselves and our identity. We try some have to be willing
things and don’t try others based upon this identity. to be different.”
We believe that our identity, whatever it is, captures who we
really are. We claim it as ours. Sometimes that is very helpful.
Other times it keeps us trapped in a life that isn’t very satisfying. This is the identity theft which can totally
mess up your life.
Identity Labels
Here’s how it happens. Sometimes people who have had bad experiences in their life, or struggled with
challenges like depression, substance abuse, anxiety or trauma, begin to define themselves as “depressed”
or “anxious” or “bipolar” or “alcoholic” or “an abuse survivor” or “angry.” They move beyond the experience
itself and adopt a label as their identity.
That label, whether it was their own or was given to them by someone else, may be helpful to them very
temporarily to realize they are not the only one ever facing this problem.
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Unfortunately, it often also locks them into a series of beliefs about themselves. Those beliefs may be “I’ll
never recover,” “I’ll always be affected by this,” “This is part of my life from now on.” The person begins to
adopt an identity related to this issue.
Stories
The identity and how they see themselves is based upon a habit–the habit of thinking about themselves in a
particular way. Sometimes it is a story they tell themselves and others about who they are.
Think about it. Do you have stories (good or bad) that you tell people about your life? Most of us do. We tell
those anecdotes over and over, and they become part of the repertoire about ourselves that we share with
the world. Sometimes they are entertaining and funny, sometimes sad or heart-warming. They are a version
of who we are--a slice of our identity. Usually those stories incorporate some of our beliefs. We portray
ourselves as a hero of the story, or as a victim. We give reasons for our successes or failures. We assign
characteristics to the characters in the story, ourselves included.
Sometimes the beliefs expressed in our stories are empowering; sometimes they limit us. The stories we tell
about ourselves, the identity we believe we have either facilitates our ability to do the things we want to in
our life, or they serve as obstacles.
The habit of telling those stories and those beliefs over and over to ourselves and others cements them into
our consciousness and unconsciousness. We tell ourselves the stories over and over until we really believe
these things are true, especially if they reinforce a belief we already hold.
Changing Your Identity

By now you should realize that what you believe about yourself and how you feel about yourself is of
paramount importance in being able to live the sort of life about which you’ve dreamed (or haven’t been
able to dream). Our identity is a compilation of many of these beliefs and feelings.
When we want to remove the obstacles to being successful at creating the kind of life we want, our identity
sometimes gets in the way of making the necessary changes.
When confronted with the possibility of resolving it and moving on with their lives, people I work with
sometimes tell me “I can’t imagine my life without this anger,” or “I’m scared to let it go. Who will I be
without it?”
Even though they experience a great deal of pain related to feeling anxious, depressed or angry, they are also
comfortable with these conditions. They know how to be depressed or anxious or angry. Their identity is
wrapped up in being this way.
Story: Casey was a 16 year old girl who had difficulty getting along with peers and adults.
She was angry much of the time, and when she wasn’t being sullen, she was actively driving
others away by insensitively attacking them verbally. Everyone around her saw that her anger
was a problem, and she acknowledged that it alienated people. Nevertheless, she was unwilling
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to let go of her identity as an “angry person” because she valued that persona. She couldn’t
imagine who she would be if she wasn’t surly and angry.
The Key to Change

In order to change your identity, you must first want to change it. Next, you must realize that what you
think about your identity is really only a snapshot of who you are. No matter who you think you are, you are
always more.
Exercise
In order to figure out what your identity is, do the following exercise:
1. Write down all the roles you play. For example, are you a mother or father, a sister or brother, a
son or daughter, a niece or nephew, a grandparent, a grandson or grand-daughter? Are you an
employee? Are you a business owner? What is your job title? What are all the roles you play at
work? Are you a taxpayer? A customer? A driver? A homeowner? A renter? A church-goer?
Keep going, these are only a few of the possible roles you play. Just brainstorm and keep writing.
Write them all down on a separate pad of paper. (You’ll need more than a single piece, I suspect).
2. Write down all the characteristics you can think of about yourself. Are you shy? Outgoing?
Organized? Disorganized? Sad? Depressed? Grieving? Happy? Joyful? Enthusiastic?
Competent? Stressed? Intelligent? Stupid? Verbal? Have trouble expressing yourself?
Healthy? Unhealthy? Capable? Incapable of doing X? Good speller? Bad speller?
Think of all the skills you have (or don’t have). Think about your talents. Think about your personality
traits. Think also about your potentials. What could you do if you wanted to? Write it all down.
3. Next write down all the things in which you are interested. What are your passions? What are
some of your smaller interests? What do you like to do in your spare time? What do you never
have enough time to pursue? What would you like to learn more about?
4. Write down the ways that people categorize you. Are you married, single, divorced, widowed?
How old are you? Are you male or female? Straight or gay? A senior citizen? A Gen X-er?
A Democrat? A Republican? Blue collar, white collar or pink collar? Are you employed or
unemployed? Think of all the ways people (and you) attempt to capture the categories to which
you might belong.
5. Next, write down a brief phrase that captures your stories. Are you a battered woman? An
abuse survivor? A hurricane survivor? A person who worked 3 jobs to put himself through
college?
6. Finally, think about some of the ways in which you are different than others. Do you have certain
eccentricities that make you unique? For example, are you double-jointed? Do you yodel for fun?
Think of as many ways as possible to capture your differences.
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Now, as you look at what you have written, has it really captured you? Or, is it in some way incomplete?
Most people discover that there are additional things they could add. Even if you do that, I would bet that
you won’t capture everything about who you really are.
Your Evolving Identity

If you have completed all these lists, you may have a good start at capturing the snapshot of who you are
TODAY, but what about next year? Capturing your identity isn’t as easy as you may have first thought.
Each situation we face every day increases the ways in which we could define ourselves. The possibilities
are endless. How we interact with each other and each situation may give us more information–and more
beliefs to use in our identities.
The point I want to make is that your identity isn’t carved in stone. It should be fluid and changing. Yes,
there may be some things that are consistent over time. Usually these are things like roles or positions. For
example, I’ve been a psychologist for 30 years. However, not everything stays the same. While the events
you’ve experienced in your life haven’t changed, you may end up changing the importance that event plays
in your life.
For instance, a few years ago I had surgery. For 6 months to a year after that surgery, it was still a major part
of my story and my life. Now a few years later, I seldom think about it.
Past experiences may have contributed to how you feel today, and the identity you have, but you can change
the impact they have, and the means to change your identity does exist.
Story: Vicky had spent 25 years defining her identity by the physical and sexual abuse she had
suffered as a preschooler when her parents left her in the care of an uncle who was a pedophile.
This experience had been central in her life and she felt it defined her as well as limited her.
When she realized she was willing to change this identity and remove the abuse from the central,
defining role in her life, she was able to get rid of the emotional clutter related to the abuse, and
experience the freedom of creating a life that wasn’t limited by this experience.
Let Go of a Limiting Identity

In order to change from being depressed or traumatized or anxious, you have to be willing to give up that
identity as “a depressed person” or “a traumatized person” or “an anxious person.” You must be willing to
define yourself in some other way. You have to willing to let go of this limiting definition of yourself and
explore a new definition.
Sometimes if you’ve had the identity for a long time, it seems impossible to change it. But it isn’t. You can
change your identity at any time to an identity that gives you greater range of choice about how to live your
life. We’ll be talking about how to begin to change your beliefs and perceptions in the next chapter.
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Part Two
Getting Ready to
Get Rid of Emotional Clutter
Chapter Five
Getting Ready to Clean Your Emotional Clutter
Before you clean out your emotional clutter, you first need to determine if you are ready to do it. As we
talked about in Chapter Two, cleaning out your emotional clutter is a job for your unconscious, rather than
your conscious mind.
The first step is to determine if you are READY to take this on.
Below is a Readiness Inventory which will help you determine if you are really ready to let go of the
emotional clutter–those negative emotions, limiting beliefs and boundary issues which get in the way
of your having the life of your dreams.
Readiness Index

INSTRUCTIONS -- Circle the number that comes closest to representing how true the statement is for you
right now. Be honest with yourself. You must be ready for the process you are about to engage in to be able
to receive the maximum benefit from the process discussed in this book.
Less True / More True Statement

1. 1 2 3 4 5 I have a high level of (circle all appropriate) desire/excitement/ urgency/pain to
make the necessary changes in my life and to actualize the outcome I seek.

2. 1 2 3 4 5 I realize to make the changes I want, I need to apply myself. I am ready right now
to put the requisite focus, time and effort towards making the changes I seek.

3. 1 2 3 4 5 I believe that circumstances impact me, and that I’m not really responsible for
my own behavior, actions and the conditions I am now experiencing.
4. 1 2 3 4 5 I am willing to do whatever is necessary (as long as it is legal and ethical) to

break through limitations or obstacles that are in my way.
5. 1 2 3 4 5 I am willing to “try on” new concepts or different ways of approaching things

and to engage in this process fully.
6. 1 2 3 4 5 I believe that just knowing WHY I do something will fix the problem.
I won’t need to take any additional action.
7. 1 2 3 4 5 I will be honest with myself about information that is pertinent to my

situation and achieving my goals.
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8. 1 2 3 4 5 I am committed to the process of transforming my life and feel comfortable
making an investment in myself.
9. 1 2 3 4 5 I am willing to trust that wise part of myself–my unconscious mind–that

knows what is best for me, even if I don’t know where the answers it
provides may lead.
10. 1 2 3 4 5 I can embrace a philosophy that says that I am responsible for my own life.
11. 1 2 3 4 5 I am not willing to give up the stories that have defined me for so long,
especially if they focus on negative things that have happened to me.
12. 1 2 3 4 5 If I am working with someone else to get rid of my emotional clutter, I will
provide immediate feedback if I feel that I am not getting what I need
to help me work toward my goal.
13. 1 2 3 4 5 I believe it is possible for me to get rid of my emotional clutter even if I’m
not really sure how to do it.
14. 1 2 3 4 5 I am willing to see this process through to completion.
Please Do Not Read This Section Until You Have

Completed the Readiness Test!

Readiness Test Key and Discussion
1. The higher your score on this item the better. Having a high score means you will be very
motivated to make changes. Even a high level of discomfort will be motivating, because you
will be motivated to move away from the pain.
2. The higher your score the better. In order to make big changes in your life, you need to be
ready to put in the energy, focus and time needed.
3. The lower your score, the more likely you are to be willing to take responsibility for changing
your circumstances. If you feel that you are a victim and aren’t responsible for making your
life better, you will be likely to wait for someone else to fix things for you. You have to be
willing to clean out your own emotional clutter; no one else can do it for you.
4. The higher the score the better. You need to be really committed to do what you need to do
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to get rid of the junk that blocks you from seeing your choices, and that keeps you from
reaching the outcome you desire.
5. A moderate or higher score is required for the process described in this book. In all likelihood,
the things you’ve tried so far have not been successful. You may have to do something completely
different to shift out of old patterns of thinking and old patterns of behavior. If you have to do it
your own way, you may be able to clear out your emotional clutter, but it may take you a long
time to do it.
6. The lower the score, the better. Knowing WHY you do something may be interesting, but it
won’t fix the problem. Do you want to know WHY you do something ineffective, or do you
want to change it? This program is about taking action to change what isn’t working, not
analyzing it to find out WHY you do it.
7. A higher score is best. Failing to be honest with yourself is just more emotional clutter.
You need to be able to be completely honest with yourself. This will allow you to really know
if the clutter is gone or not.
8. A higher score is best. The more committed you are to yourself–making time to do this
process, sticking with it if you get frustrated, investing time, energy and even money in
yourself–the better results you will see.
9. A high score is best. The more you trust your unconscious mind, the more able you will
be to do the process described in this book. Your unconscious mind has your best interests
at heart, and no one is more of an expert about you. Trust yourself.
10. The higher the score the better. The more you accept that you are responsible for your own
life, the more you will be able to claim your results. When you take responsibility for your
own life--who and what you become--you have the power to make your dreams happen.
11. A low to moderate score is best here. When you are willing to give up the stories that you’ve
used as part of a negative identity, you can transform your life. Letting go of this negative
identity allows you the flexibility to change. It allows you to make your life something that
really works for you.
12. A moderate to high score will ensure faster results. If you are working with a professional,
you deserve to have them working with you towards your goals. If what you are doing isn’t
working for you, you need to let them know. Both of you may need to be flexible in order to
achieve the results you want.
26
13. A high score is best. If you don’t believe change is possible, that particular limiting belief
may block you from making the progress you’d like. The process described in this book does
work. If it doesn’t work for you, it only means that you may need someone else to guide you
through it. Some people do best when they have someone guiding them as opposed to having
this information available only as self-help. There is always a way to make the change. Have
someone help you do it if you have trouble.
14. A high score is best. Again, you need to be committed to making the changes necessary to
clear out your emotional clutter and create the life of your dreams. Sometimes it is a little
clutter, sometimes it is a lot. Be committed to clearing it out completely. The further you
take this process, the more options you will have available to you.
If the results of this Readiness Test show that you are ready to get rid of your emotional clutter, you are
ready to take the next step. The next step involves asking yourself questions to understand the role the
emotional clutter plays in your life.
The Four Questions to Ask to Know if You Are Ready to Change

If you’ve been plagued by a problem in your life (including emotional clutter), especially if you’ve had it for a
long time, you might assume that you would be eager to get rid of it. You might think so, but actually, when
you get right down to it, the contrary is often more true.
People get used to having their problem, even though it is uncomfortable and they’d like to get rid of it. You
see, they may know how to be depressed, or poor, or sick. Feeling those feelings, although uncomfortable,
are familiar.
Contemplating something else can be a bit scary. It may be hard to even imagine what life would be like
without the problem that has been with them for so long. Contemplating and taking action to do or be
something else is even scarier still.
All changes have positive and negative elements to them. Even the best of life changes may have a down
side. The better you understand this, the more likely you will be to both understand and be prepared to deal
with any possible resistance you may have..
As we talked about in the previous section, the belief that you can’t change may be so strong that it blocks all
attempts let go of that problem. Before any useful work can be done to change the situation, you first need
to understand what having the problem or having the emotional clutter means to you.
There is often a series of questions I ask when I’m beginning to work with someone who has had a
long-lasting problem or one they report has stubbornly resisted all their efforts at letting it go.
1. What will happen if you let it go?

Imagine and consider all the possibilities, both good and bad.
2. What will happen if you don’t let it go?

Again, imagine and consider all the possibilities—good and bad.
27
3. What won’t happen if you let it go?
What will you miss?
4. What won’t happen if you don’t let it go?

Does having this problem “protect” you in some way?
These questions help you identify the positives and negatives you associate with having the problem and
getting rid of it. Sometimes there are clues about why it is hanging on. There may be a belief that you’ll lose
something important by getting rid of the problem.
Ultimately you need to believe that your life will be better without the problem or emotional clutter than
with it. Once you believe that and are really ready to take that leap of faith to let it go, you CAN change it.
Until you are willing to risk being somewhat uncomfortable, and to let go of the problem you know so well
in order to discover the life you want to have, you won’t be ready.
It’s actually a lot like a swinging on a trapeze. You have to be ready to let go of the trapeze or swing you are
on, to get where you want to go. When you are ready, there are a lot of methods out there to help you. Let it
go… Take the next step.
Figure Out Where to Start

The next thing to do when you are ready to begin the process of getting rid of your emotional clutter is to
figure out exactly where to start. Just as it doesn’t really matter which room you start in when you clean your
house, it doesn’t really matter where you start. The important thing is that you start somewhere and clean
every room in your emotionally cluttered life.
Generally, if you are cleaning up negative emotions from your past, the recommended order is to tackle
anger, then sadness, then hurt, then fear, then guilt, then anxiety. Sometimes people prefer to start with
their limiting beliefs first. It doesn’t really matter. Just make sure you do all the de-cluttering.

Find Out if You Are Ready to Let It Go
Once you have decided where to start, check with your unconscious mind to make sure that you are
really ready to let go of the emotional clutter that has been with you for so long. As we talked about in
earlier chapters, sometimes your conscious mind wants to change, but your unconscious mind isn’t quite
ready. It may be comfortable living with the clutter, since it IS familiar.
Exercise
To find out if you are ready to let it go, imagine going inside yourself. Ask your conscious, rational, thinking
mind to step into the background for a moment.
Ask that wise part of you that makes up the seat of your intuition, is it O.K. to let go of _______________
(the negative emotion or limiting belief with which you’ve decided to start the process)? Pay attention to
28
your reaction. You may sense an emphatic “Yes!” or you may hear a “No.” You may simply notice some
resistance or hesitation. Just notice whatever the reaction is.
If there is resistance, hesitation, or a “No” from your unconscious mind, read the following paragraph out
loud:
Sometimes our unconscious mind doesn’t realize that hanging on to this emotion/belief doesn’t really
help us. Usually it thinks it is helping in some way, but hanging on to this isn’t really the best way to help.
The best thing is to know what the learning is from each of the experiences in our lives. Once we know
what the important learning is, we are able to let go of negative emotions or limiting beliefs. I wonder if I
had the learning, would my unconscious mind THEN be willing to let go of the emotion/belief?
Listen once again for the answer. If it is still “no” or if there is still resistance, you will want to try one more
thing. Ask your unconscious mind this question:
What is the purpose of my hanging onto this emotion/belief?

Listen for the answer, no matter how strange it may seem. This answer will give you a clue about where the
resistance to change is coming from. Many times your unconscious mind believes it is protecting you from
something. If that is the case, explain to your unconscious mind that you can much better protect yourself if
you don’t have this feeling/belief in the way. If it is gone, you’ll be better able to see your options and figure
out what to do.
Your intuition may also guide you to ask other questions at this point. Much as you would like to get on with
it and clear out your junk, it is important to make sure that all parts of you are ready to make the changes.
If you are still getting resistance, consider working with someone who can help you overcome this barrier.
Once you have permission from your unconscious mind, you can proceed to the various techniques
outlined in the next section.
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Part Three
Getting Rid of
Emotional Clutter
Chapter Six
An Overview of the Process
Changing Habits
As I alluded in a previous chapter, we are creatures of habit. We have habitual ways of thinking and habitual
ways of doing things. In order to get rid of the emotional clutter that is blocking you from having the sort of
life you want, you need to change some of those habits.
Many of these habits may have started in childhood.
Something may have happened and you had an emotional
“In order to get rid of the
reaction–happy, sad, angry–whatever it was. If something emotional clutter that is
similar happened, you may have had a similar reaction. Every
time you had that reaction, you helped establish the habit of blocking you from having
reacting that way. The more you did it or felt that way, the the sort of life you want,
more ingrained the habit became.
All of us know someone who sees the negative in every
you need to change some
situation. They are called “glass half empty” people as of your habits.”
opposed to those who see the glass as “half full.” This is a habit.
Perceiving the downside of everything is a habit that probably
started early and has had plenty of practice to get it cemented into place.
The beliefs or emotions on which these habits are based can even be handed down to us through
generations of our families. For instance, if you came from an immigrant family that encountered prejudice
and bigotry, your family might have had a belief that “We’re not good enough” or “Life’s not fair.”
But the good news is that habits can be changed.

If you’ve ever tried to change a habit, you know that it can be challenging. Popular wisdom says it takes
21 days to change a habit. In reality, it takes 21 days to practice the new habit long enough that it becomes
more automatic than it is at first.
Here’s the secret. Actually, breaking the old habit doesn’t take 21 days. Breaking the old habit, no matter
what it is, may only take an instant. It takes two things to make this change instantly:
1. You must be willing to change.
2. The way you perceive the situation or the belief has to change.
We addressed your willingness to change in the last chapter. Essentially that willingness has to occur at the
unconscious level.
Changing Your Perception

The second thing that has to change is your perception. We’ll get into exactly how to do this in the next
chapter. When your perception changes, how you feel about something changes. Its meaning changes.
31
Here’s an example: Suppose you are standing in line at the post office, waiting to mail your packages in a
relatively long line of people. Suddenly something hits you from behind. You receive a blow to your back and
someone kicks you. You turn, immediately angry and upset. You look to see who has treated you this way.
Behind you, a woman is struggling to hold on to all her packages. Some have slipped from her grasp and
there are a couple of boxes on the ground. She is red-faced and apologetic as she still struggles to hang on to
her remaining packages. Because you are good at instantly sizing up a situation, you realize that she didn’t
hit you or kick you; her packages hit you on their way to the floor. Are you still angry? Are you still upset?
Many people feel differently about being hit accidently as opposed to being hit or kicked deliberately. In this
situation, you initial reaction changed when you began to perceive the situation differently.
What we will be talking about as we move into your emotional clutter disposal program is how to change
those perceptions, even if you’ve had the emotional clutter for a long time.
Think about physical clutter for a moment. When you get rid of physical clutter, your perception of it has
changed. Some long-treasured item is no longer perceived as something you need or want. Your perception
of it has changed sufficiently that you are willing to let it go. You may have kept that prom dress long after
you had any earthly need for it. You may have thought you might need it some day. You might have wanted
it to remind you of something from the past. At some point, the perception changes to allow you to get rid
of it. That’s what we will be doing in the next chapter.
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Chapter Seven
Changing Your Emotions
Just as there as many different ways of changing a habit, there are many different ways of getting rid of your
emotional clutter.
We’ll be presenting several techniques you can do on your own. Should you have difficulty using any of the
methods or getting rid of the emotional clutter, you may wish to work with someone who can guide you
through the process.
Note: This material is in no way intended to be a substitution for
psychotherapy or counseling. If you have long-standing problems, “Just as there as many
have been or currently are in therapy, please consult your thera-
different ways of changing
pist before trying these techniques.
a habit, there are many
Interrupting Your Old Patterns
different ways of getting rid
In Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) upon which many of
these techniques are based, a “pattern interrupt” is a powerful of your emotional clutter.”
way to change a habit.
Anthony Robbins, who is a master of human motivation, tells
the story about a woman in one of his seminars who came up to him on a break and began telling him
“her story.” She began to cry about how difficult her life had become. Tony did a masterful interruption of
her pattern. He took a glass of water he had nearby and threw it on her. She reportedly sputtered and was
shocked, but laughed a little. Then she moved into her story again, with the same emotional response. Tony
let her get into the emotion before dowsing her with water again. She immediately began to laugh. She tried
to resume telling her story, but now could only laugh as she tried to tell it.
While getting someone to throw water on you isn’t exactly the recommended way of interrupting your
pattern, something that forces you to make an abrupt shift in your emotional state is a very effective
thing to do.
A “pattern interrupt” works by disrupting your habit or your usual way of doing things. Think of it this way:
Your pattern is like an audio CD; you start it, and it plays all the way through the same way each time. A
“pattern interrupt” is like scratching that CD. It begins to skip and you can’t capture the original recording.
The original version is lost and can’t be recovered. Every time you try to play that selection, it skips over it,
or otherwise distorts it. That’s what a “pattern interrupt” does as well. It disrupts your habitual way of
playing your emotion or belief.
One way to interrupt your pattern is to alter how you are “playing” the emotion or belief. If you find yourself
saying the same thing to yourself over and over when you are in a particular type of situation, interrupt that
pattern by changing the “voice” that says it.
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Change the Sound
For example, when you walk into a new social situation where you don’t know anyone, and you usually say
to yourself, “Nobody will talk to me,” imagine Alvin and the Chipmunks singing that to you, accompanied by
an accordion or calliope music. Or change the “voice” to that of Donald Duck or Goofy.
You can also change what you say to yourself by translating it into Pig Latin. What if all the negative things
you say to yourself could only be spoken in Pig Latin?
You can also experiment with increasing or slowing the speed of your self-talk and thoughts. Doing this
changes it.
Change the Pictures

If you think in pictures, replace your usual picture with one in a totally different color–maybe all pink or
yellow. Increase the speed of the movie; or play it backwards. Imagine you are viewing it from outer space,
or make the picture very small and send it into a dark corner of the room.
Disrupt the Emotions

I once knew someone who did pattern interrupts with balloons. She would have you lay down on a table,
ask you to think about something that was emotionally upsetting or challenging, and then she would pop a
balloon over you. It worked. The emotions changed.
Think of this as the equivalent of someone jumping out at you to scare away your hiccups. If it is far enough
away from the usual pattern, it can work to interrupt that old pattern.
Repetition
Often it is necessary to “scratch the CD” multiple times to really disrupt your usual pattern. A way to test
to see if you have disrupted the pattern thoroughly enough is to see if you are able to get that thought or
emotion back. If not, you’ve changed it, and may never again be able to experience it the same way. If you
can still play the old pattern, however, keep disrupting it (sometimes as much as 21 times or more) until you
can’t get that old experience back.
Changing Your State

One of the fastest ways to change the impact of emotional clutter in the here and now is to change your
emotional state. Our thoughts, feelings and behavior are often impacted by our emotional state, whether
positive or negative.
Remembering
An easy way to change your state is by remembering a time when you felt the way you would like to feel. For
example, if you want to feel motivated, remember a time when you felt totally motivated. Go back to that
time in your mind, a specific time, and remember it in detail. See what you saw. Hear what you heard when
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you were totally motivated. Feel what you felt. Feel that feeling of being totally motivated.
As you do this, you will begin to feel motivated and energized. Physiological changes may occur that are
obvious to anyone observing you. Most likely your body posture will change. You’ll be more erect. Your
breathing may change as you become more motivated. Your pupil size may change along with changes in
your facial muscles.
Similarly, you can change a negative emotion into a positive emotion by remembering a specific time when
you felt happy, elated, excited, or some other positive emotion. When you use this technique, it is extremely
important that you actually go back to that time and experience it in detail, using all your senses, sight,
sound, feeling, and possibly smell and taste. As you experience it in great detail, your physiological and
emotional state will change as you remember and re-experience it. Sometimes this is enough to get you
out of a bad mood, sometimes not.
Anchoring
Anchoring is a term used in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) to refer to a type of conditioning in
which a stimulus which creates a desired response is paired with another stimulus to create an association
of the new stimulus with the response. In an old experiment where dogs salivated to meat, Ivan Pavlov was
able to introduce the sound of a bell. Eventually the dogs began salivating to the sound of the bell, without
the meat being present.
The idea is to create an association between some new stimulus and the already existing response. This is
extremely useful in creating a state change.
In classic NLP, you are asked to think of the desired state. As you reach that state and begin to change
physiologically, the NLP practitioner touches a knuckle to anchor that state. After some repetition in
setting the anchor to the particular knuckle, that state can be elicited simply by touching that knuckle. In
this way, the person can go into the desired state at any time by firing the anchor, in other words, touching
the knuckle.
This isn’t the only way to create an anchor. I typically teach my clients to set their own anchor by creating a
gesture that they use when they begin to go into the desired state. This may be tugging an ear, touching their
left eyebrow, or creating a victory sign á la Rocky. When this gesture is repeatedly paired with a specific
positive emotional state, such as “joyful,” it allows them to go into a state of “joyfulness” whenever they make
that gesture.
Exercise
Experiment with creating a specific gesture to anchor to a positive emotion. Figure out what emotional state
would be helpful to you. Then remember a specific time when you felt that emotion. Go back to that time in
your mind. See what you saw, hear what you heard. Feel the feeling of that specific state. Really feel it!
As you begin to feel it building, just make the gesture. Do this several times to make sure the anchor is really
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set. Once it is set, think of something else to break that state. Do a math problem.
Then make the gesture, and notice what you feel. Do you notice the positive emotion showing up? If not,
reset the anchor and practice this some more.
Generate Resources by Creating a “Ring of Power”

In order to feel empowered, you can create a resource anchor. This is a special type of anchor (association)
which allows you to access resourceful states. The “Ring of Power” is one way to create a resource anchor
which utilizes a number of different, helpful, resourceful states all at once.
Exercise
In this exercise, you will anchor a number of positive powerful states to an imagined circle on the floor.
To start, imagine a “Ring of Power” in front of you as a circle about two feet in diameter. Now, remember a
time when you were totally motivated. When you are totally motivated, step into the Ring. When the state
begins to subside, step out of the ring. Then add additional desired states in the same way.
Some suggested resourceful states:
• a time when you felt totally powerful;
• a time when you felt totally loved;
• a time when you really felt you could have whatever you wanted, a time when you could have it all;
• a time when you felt really energetic, when you had a ton of energy;
• a time when you fell down laughing;
• a time when you felt totally confident.
When you are done adding all the states, step into the “Ring of Power” and test to make sure you recapture
those states internally. (Exercise adapted with permission from Tad James).
Change Your State by Modeling Excellence

One way you can change your state is to find a model of excellence for the emotional state you’d like to
achieve. Successful people are generally in control of their state no matter what the external circumstances,
and they have a way of staying in a positive, upbeat state.
For example, you can model the state of a confident, successful person by modeling their physiology (how
they hold their body, how they breathe, etc.), their beliefs and values (what they believe, what is important
to them); and their strategies (how they go about creating their successful outcome).
Imagine how they would handle a challenging situation you are facing. Stay connected to their physical state
as you do this.
Ask Yourself Questions

In this method you utilize the way in which your brain works in order to create the desired change. What
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many people don’t realize is that there is a part of our brain that works to find us more of those things we
are thinking about. This was probably very helpful as we were developing as a species, when it was helpful
to find those nuts and berries about which we were thinking. Our brain tunes in to our thoughts, and tries
to come up with the information we need.
No doubt you’ve had an experience of this if you’ve ever thought about buying a particular model of car, for
instance. Once you have started thinking about it, you begin to see that model everywhere. Your brain is
finding it for you.
We can find solutions to all sorts of problems, and we can produce change in ourselves by asking questions.
You may have had an experience with that in Chapter Five, when you were asking your unconscious mind
questions about the purpose of holding on to a negative emotion or limiting belief.
When we ask ourselves questions, it activates that part of our brain that looks for what we are thinking
about, and our brain begins to search for an answer or a solution.
The key to this is making sure you are asking a good question. For example, if you ask yourself “Why am I
such a loser?” Or “What else could go wrong?” your brain will find the answer, but you won’t like it and it
may not be very helpful. Your brain is going to find you more examples of how you are a loser, and will be
happy to demonstrate what else can go wrong.
A better form of a question is: “What do I need to know or what do I need to do which will allow this
emotion (or belief ) to disappear?” Another way of asking it is “Is there anything my unconscious mind wants
me to know, or is there anything I’m not getting, which if I got it, would allow the problem to disappear?”
This form of questioning really puts your mind (your unconscious mind, actually) to work finding a
solution. We are only beginning to realize how important the thoughts we think and what we say to
ourselves really is. Quantum physics has shown us that we can change physical reality by how we think
about things. In light of this, you might as well put your mind to work getting rid of your emotional clutter.
Changing Your Perspective

One of the most powerful ways of clearing out your emotional clutter involves changing your perspective
about the situation and your reaction to it.
Think for a moment about a situation where you’ve reacted with the emotion you’ve selected to clean up
first. Maybe someone didn’t treat you well, or didn’t respect you or your ideas. Whatever the situation,
picture it in your mind. See it clearly, hear what people are saying and notice how it feels to remember that
situation.
Now, imagine yourself way off in the future. Imagine yourself years from now, looking back on that event in
your past where you got so upset. From this great distance in years, remember what you learned from that sit-
uation and in the years since. Remember what it was that allowed you to change your perception of that event.
Remember what changed for you as you look back on it now, from that position years in the future. And
from that position, years in the future, notice how your feelings about it changed. When you’ve remembered
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that, create something that will remind you of that change, perhaps a symbol of that change, or a word, or a
gesture–just something that will remind you of the change you went through.
Now, as you look back toward today, just allow yourself to imagine all the events in your future rearranging
themselves to create this outcome. When you get back to today, remember what it was that you learned,
what it was that changed for you, and what it was that will always remind you of that change.
Notice what happened to the emotion attached to that situation. Did it change? Most likely you will
experience it differently when you think about it now.
Why? Your perspective about that event changed. By changing your perspective into a future time, you were
able to change your emotion about it. Going into the future, into a time when the emotion, belief or problem
has been resolved allows you to consider not only a positive outcome to the situation, but allows you to see
options and solutions you might not otherwise notice.
Rise Above It
Here’s another way to get a different perspective. Think about another situation which evokes that emotion
you want to change or eliminate. Now imagine yourself floating up above that situation, getting higher and
higher and higher. You may want to imagine yourself in a hot air balloon, or a space ship, or some other
device that allows you to go up really high. Go up so high that you can barely make out the event down there
below you.
Remember the photos of the earth from space? Imagine that situation and those emotions are down there
on the earth somewhere, but from this distance they seem like a tiny little speck. You may not even be able
to make them out unless you use a telescope. Now notice how good it feels to be above that. (By the way, if
you don’t like heights, you may not feel good being up this high–that’s O.K.).
For many people, the change in perspective changes the emotion, making it far less intense. Being able to
have the perspective of seeing the whole earth below you puts the problem into a different perspective. Lit-
erally, you have the experience of “not sweating the small stuff,” because you can barely see “the small stuff.”
If it hasn’t changed for you, don’t despair, it just means you may need to have someone guide you through an
experience where you can change your perspective.
Life Events Change Our Perspective

Sometimes our perspective changes through a life event. We think that something is a priority in our life;
then some crisis happens that puts it all into perspective. We realize that the thing we were stressed over
wasn’t worth the energy, now that something more important has come along. That often happens when
someone close to us gets hurt or dies. Then all our priorities shift.
We often think of these as bad shifts, since there may be intense negative emotions, such as sadness, anger
or guilt which get activated. But, if our perspective can change because of an event has happened to us, we
can also use that perspective shift to help us get rid of the things that aren’t important.
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I often hear people report that they are grateful for experiencing some life event that seemed (and was)
catastrophic. They tell me that they began to get their priorities straight and to realize what was most
important in their lives.
Change Your Perspective By Doing It Differently

There are many ways to change your perspective. For example, have you ever ridden a bike or walked a dis-
tance that you typically cover in a car? If you have, you know that your perspective about distance changes.
A mile in a car isn’t far at all, and it isn’t too bad on a bicycle, but walking a mile is noticeably different. It
takes longer; it requires more energy. Things you may not notice in a car become very noticeable.
I learned this many years ago when my husband and I took a bicycle trip. We left from our house with our
luggage packed carefully on the bikes. We wanted to go straight west. The wind was blowing. Unfortunately,
it was blowing in our faces at about 15 miles an hour. We went west for a few miles; then decided to change
direction. The wind changed our perceptions of traveling, and ultimately changed where we ended up. In a
car, I seldom even notice the wind.
If you are locked into your old habits and need a change of perspective, try this approach: If you have a usual
way of doing something, do something differently.
For example, if you usually drive to work a particular way, go a different way. Travel down the aisles in your
grocery store in the opposite direction from the way you usually go. Take a bath instead of a shower. Change
where you sit in a classroom or movie theater. Listen to a different type of music in the car.
Notice how you feel when you do something differently. Do you feel more relaxed? More stressed and tense?
Notice what works best for you. Consider making a change and doing it this way more often.
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Chapter Eight
Get Rid of Emotional Clutter By Reframing
What Is Reframing?
Reframing occurs when the meaning a behavior has had takes on a different meaning. In the example we
gave in Chapter Six about being hit in line at the post office, the meaning changed when the behavior
(being hit) was seen as unintentional. A reframe puts another meaning on the behavior and frames it
differently so that we perceive it differently.
If you have ever had a picture framed, you know that when you select different colored mattes, and different
styles of frames, it brings out different elements in the picture. It changes how you perceive it, emphasizing
certain qualities, and de-emphasizing others. Reframing does the same thing with behavior.
There are two types of reframes. A content reframe puts a different meaning on the content. Essentially the
behavior is the same, but the meaning changes. An example
of a content reframe is when old furniture goes from
“Many people have baggage
being perceived as “junk” to being perceived as “antique.”
The value changes and our perception of it changes. (or their own emotional
A context reframe changes the context in order to change clutter) that can get in the
the meaning. For example, an old hotel in the U.S. might be
perceived as “run-down.” But, if the context were changed way of them being the
to an old hotel in Italy, the meaning of it would change and
best they can be.”
probably our perceptions of it would change.
When you are reframing the meaning of a behavior, look for
an opposite meaning for a content reframe, and look for a different context where the meaning would be
different for a context reframe.
For example, if you feel criticized by your boss, would it change your perception if the boss was criticizing
you because he wanted you to excel and had you pegged for promotion? You might have thought the
criticism meant that he didn’t like you, or that he was dissatisfied with you, but it might have meant he had
great things in mind for you. When the meaning of the behavior changes, your perceptions change as well.
What if your spouse yells at you? Does this mean that he/she no longer loves you? Have you ever yelled at
someone you love?
Positive Learning
There are several reframes that are especially helpful with clearing out emotional clutter from the past.
Remember, much of our emotional clutter comes from experiences that evoked negative emotions. We tend to
hang onto those negative emotions because we haven’t learned what we need to know from those experiences.
For example, suppose you were dumped at some point in your past by someone you cared about deeply. You
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might take that situation and interpret the learning negatively. A negative learning might be, “He was just a
jerk.” Believing someone is a jerk is not a particularly good way to let go of negative emotions. The focus on
him being a jerk keeps you stuck in that negative emotion. What if the learning was, “He had his own
baggage?” That statement is certainly true; don’t we all have our own baggage? The learning in that case
would be a positive learning. It would allow you to let go of blame.
When you’ve had traumatic events in your past, reframing the learning as “The person did the best they
could, and didn’t know how to do it differently” can change the emotional charge on the remembered event.
It is true that everyone does the best they can with the resources they have available to them at the time. For
the most part, people’s intentions are good. Most people don’t intend to hurt you; they don’t sit up nights
figuring out ways to mess up your life.
You can see by these examples that the reframe must be something that the unconscious mind can accept as
true. Many people have baggage (or their own emotional clutter) that can get in the way of them being the
best they can be. They may not have dealt with their own issues. It isn’t a big plot to mess up your life. Really.
Sometimes things happen outside our control. Cars break down, it rains when we wanted a picnic, and
people sometimes get sick.
Other People and Their Mistakes

Sometimes people can’t or won’t do what we’d like them to do. We may even be convinced that we know
what is best for them. The reframe on that is, “Everyone has their own path in this life.” They have to go
through life learning the things they need to learn. We can’t always prevent problems for those we love.
Sometimes they have to (or choose to) learn the hard way. Some people learn best from their mistakes. We
really can’t take that learning away from them.
What Would Happen?

Another way of reframing a problem is to think about “What would happen if I let this go?” In this case, you
are considering a situation where the problem is not there, and asking yourself, “What would happen then?”
Reframing Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviors that Conflict with Your Values
One really good way to reframe behavior and emotions is to compare them with your values. Your values
are literally the things that are most important to you. When you find conflicts between your behavior and
your values, you have a compelling reason to change. And usually what changes is the behavior, because it is
incongruent with your values.
For example, if you have a value about loving others, but are angry at a particular person, that conflict gives
you motivation to change your perceptions of the person. Some people have a value about setting a good
example for their children, which gives them the motivation to let go of fears, or anger, or beliefs about not
being good enough. They don’t want their children to struggle with these issues and are motivated to clear
them out and let them go.
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Changing Limiting Beliefs
How can a limiting belief be changed? There are many ways to do it, but you will need to find what works
best for you. Several ideas are presented below.
Challenging Limiting Beliefs

One way to change a limiting belief is to open yourself up to conflicting evidence. Challenge the belief.
Ask yourself “Is this belief really true? Is it possible that I’m ignoring things that don’t support that belief?”
Sometimes this is enough to make you get really honest with yourself. Then you can challenge the belief
every time it occurs.
Reframing Limiting Beliefs

Reframing the belief is another way to change it. Reframing can involve finding an alternate meaning for the
behavior you are interpreting as supporting your limiting belief.
For example, if you believe that someone not saying “hello” to you means that you aren’t good enough to be
acknowledged, look for an alternate interpretation of that behavior. It might be that the person didn’t see
you, is preoccupied with a problem, or is blind as a bat without their glasses. It might also be that you look
different. I’ve had this happen when I’ve lost weight or changed my hair. The question to ask yourself is,
“What else could this behavior mean?”
Another way of reframing is to look for a context in which you would respond differently to the same
behavior. For example, if I was out with friends, I might be relieved not to have the pressure of having to
introduce my friends to them (and remember everyone’s name). Or I might be relieved they ignored me
if I was in a hurry or didn’t look my best.
One of the things that reframing does is to change the emotional charge associated with the belief. In the
above example, the emotion changes from feeling rejected and hurt to relief. I might even be happy they
didn’t recognize me if I’d been working on a make-over.
When you change the emotion associated with the limiting belief, it allows you to perceive things differently.
It allows you to consider other possibilities. Then, instead of having a belief that limits you, you have beliefs
that increase your possibilities.
Find Empowering Beliefs

Another way to change a limiting belief is to imagine your successful completion of a goal. Imagine what you
will see, hear, feel, taste and smell when you are successful at achieving your goal. Imagine it in all five senses
if possible. Then when you have your success clearly in mind, imagine yourself stepping into the situation
where you have achieved that success. Actually do this physically. Step into that imagined success. Now ask
yourself, “What do I believe from this position of being successful?” You will almost always notice that the
belief has changed to something more empowering.
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Empowering beliefs increase your possibilities. Those are the beliefs that allow you to believe that “the sky
is the limit.” Changing your perspective on those limiting beliefs changes how you feel, and allows you to
explore other beliefs and other possibilities.
Increasing Choices
I believe the more possibilities a person has, and the more choices they have, the more they can find the
options that best fit them. I encourage choices and possibilities because I think they give you the best
chance to create a life that really works for you.
If you have trouble with this, ask yourself, “What would I need to believe in order to be successful?”
The Belief “I Can’t” Will Stop You in Your Tracks

During the years that I’ve been helping people who are stuck overcome the limiting beliefs that block their
success, I’ve discovered that the most damaging belief people hold about themselves is “I can’t.”
Unfortunately, we all say it, almost every day, in many ways: “I can’t lose weight.” “I can’t find a job.” “I can’t
get my kids to listen to me.” “I can’t find a good relationship.” “I can’t manage my money.” “I can’t learn this.”
“I can’t do it!”
When you say “I can’t,” you automatically limit yourself. You ensure that you will not be able to do what you
say you want to do. Remember, every time we say something or think something, we are giving instructions
to our brain. Our brain always tries to please us, and takes us literally. When you say “I can’t,” your brain
essentially works to create that outcome. Your brain works to make sure it thwarts any pretense of
accomplishing what you have already decided you can’t do.
Yes, there are situations where you really don’t have the skill, talent or ability. In many cases, the real
situation is not that we can’t, but that we haven’t chosen to develop the skills, obtain the knowledge, or apply
ourselves to accomplish whatever it is. We say “I can’t do math” or “I can’t spell” when we really mean that it
is difficult for us, and we haven’t learned how to do it consistently or easily.
I know that there are times when you cannot do things with the skills you currently have. That doesn’t really
mean that you CAN’T do it. It only means you can’t do it YET. If you were to choose to develop the skills or
resources you need, in most cases, you probably could do whatever it is that you believe you CAN’T. True, it
might take a considerable commitment and time, and you might even fail at it, but you also might surprise
yourself.
When you say “I can’t” you are making a choice. You are choosing to limit yourself. Interestingly, we are
much more able to see this when our children do it. When our children say “I can’t do this problem,” we
know that they may be frustrated or don’t want to put out the effort to master the skill. We also know that if
they continue to believe they can’t do it, in fact, they won’t be able to.
Reframe “I can’t” into something more empowering. Any time you catch yourself saying “I can’t,” change it
to “I can’t—yet.” Figure out some small action you can take to stick your toe in the water and begin to try
to do what you think you cannot do. You don’t have to master it all right away. You can build momentum
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towards “I can” by taking small steps.
When you challenge that limiting belief, “I can’t,” you set in motion a new power--power that can carry you
toward your dreams.
What Would I Have to Believe?

One way to change a belief that is keeping you from reaching your desired outcome is to ask yourself, “In
order to be successful at this, what would I have to believe?” This will get your brain working on a more
empowering belief--one that will be more effective at helping your reach your goal.
Once you figure out what would be a more effective belief, take that belief and imagine yourself locking it
into your mind and body, making the sound that Tupperware makes when you seal it (or any sound of a
vacuum sealing if you aren’t familiar with Tupperware).
Try out that new belief. Walk around with it. How would someone who had that belief walk? How would
they talk? How would they stand? Notice the way your body changes when you are in the position of really
believing it.
Exercise in Reframing
To give you some practice reframing, write down some reframes for the following behaviors, feelings and
beliefs:
1. You have trouble getting out of bed in the morning and end up being late for school or work.
You believe “I’m too tired to get up.” What could you think instead?
2. You are angry with someone who doesn’t respect your beliefs and feelings. How can you
reframe the situation and let that anger go?
3. You were excluded from being invited to a social event. Your feelings are hurt. How could
you reframe this situation to get rid of the hurt?
4. You know that your relationship with a good friend or significant other is ending.
How can you reframe that situation so that you don’t feel as sad?
5. You look around your house or apartment and see so much you’d like to do, but you can’t
really afford it right now. What sort of reframe can you do to feel better and have more options?
6. You don’t like public speaking and think that no one will want to hear what you have to say.
How can reframe this situation to make it possible for you to accept the speaking invitation that
may catapult your career?
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7. You did something to violate someone’s trust. You feel guilty, and may even believe you are a
bad person. How can you reframe this? Is there something else that you need to do to be able
to let go of this guilt?
8. You haven’t ever been able to lose weight and keep it off. You are beginning to think that it is
impossible to ever get the weight off and weigh what you’d like. How can you change this
belief? Is there a way you can reframe your struggle?

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Chapter Nine
Advanced Methods for Getting Rid of Emotional Clutter
Previous chapters have given you some techniques for getting rid of your emotional clutter, whether it is
comprised of negative emotions you’ve been stockpiling from past negative experiences or from limiting
beliefs you formed in response to negative events in your life.
Because everyone’s experiences are different, and may vary in intensity, some people may need more than
self-help personal growth techniques. This e-book is not in any way intended to be a substitute for
psychotherapy or counseling. Some people will need to have a guide help them through their piles of
emotional clutter.
Additional Approaches
There are a number of additional approaches which can be used to help you get rid of your emotional
clutter so that you can more easily see the options that are really available to you. Should you need
additional help, it is recommended that you consult someone who is a specialist in any of these techniques.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: This psychotherapy approach focuses on changing belief systems which
underlie emotional and behavioral problems. Ideas and thoughts impact emotions and behaviors; it is not
external events, people and situations that cause the problem. Although a more conscious approach than
some of the others discussed in this e-book, cognitive behavioral therapy has been demonstrated to be
effective in the treatment of a number of mental health problems, including depression, obsessive
compulsive disorder and anxiety. Cognitive behavioral therapy is not a specific technique, but encompasses
a number of specific types of therapies.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): This approach was formulated by Francine
Shapiro, Ph.D. and involves changing the emotional charge on events by impacting the information
processing system which controls how the memory of events is stored. Specific eye movements allow
incomplete connections to be completed, desensitized and integrated by reprocessing the events from
which the emotion or belief system arose.
Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT): This approach is based on the theory that negative emotions are
caused by disturbances in the body’s energy field. The technique utilizes meridian points and a protocol for
tapping those areas in a prescribed method to release blocked energy and emotions.
Hypnosis: This approach encourages a focus of attention inward to connect to the wisdom of the uncon-
scious mind. Suggestions may be made to bring about change and/or permission is given for the
unconscious mind to solve the problem. Hypnosis can be highly effective at changing complex behaviors,
such as weight loss, cigarette cessation or other habits. It is also very effective at improving self-confidence
and self-esteem; overcoming phobias; and empowering change.
Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP): This approach creates desired change by utilizing how the brain
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processes and stores information and how we are impacted by language. Modeling success and excellence
are hallmarks of this approach.
Primordial Energy Activation and Transcendence (PEAT): This approach was developed out of energy
psychology by Zivorad Mihajlovic Slavinski, a Yugoslavian psychologist. In Deep PEAT, this approach
involves the neutralization of opposites, known as “Prime Polarities.” This neutralization allows the person
to become more aware of new and old problems which are solved more quickly because their structure
produces the perception of endless variations.
Thought Field Therapy (TFT): This method, developed by psychologist Roger Callahan, Ph.D., is
somewhat similar to EFT, utilizing tapping acupressure points to release energy blockages. It utilizes
specific algorithms to release specific emotions or resolve physical problems. In my opinion, it is a more
exacting approach to changing the presumed energy blockages than EFT, but both appear to be quite
effective in release of emotions and changing limiting beliefs as well as in treatment of physical issues, such
as pain, jet lag or addiction.
Time Line Therapy®: This method, created by Tad James, is an extension of Neuro Linguistic
Programming. It allows people to release negative emotions from the past as well as limiting beliefs by
utilizing how the person organizes time. By changing their temporal orientation to events in the past, they
are able to neutralize the emotional charge from the event, as well as letting go of the belief. More advanced
Time Line Therapy® techniques address physical and health issues.
This is by no means a complete list of all the effective methods or approaches for getting rid of your
emotional clutter. However, those listed are among the most rapid and lasting. Should you wish to utilize
any of these methods, it is recommended that you find a certified or trained professional experienced in
their use.
47
Part Four
The Importance of
Boundaries
Chapter Ten
The Importance of Boundaries
At the beginning of this book we talked about three elements of emotional clutter. Those elements were
1) negative emotions from the past; 2) limiting beliefs based on negative experiences; and 3) the failure
to set or enforce boundaries.
As we discussed then, the boundaries we set and enforce work to “Boundaries help
define us. They insure that others respect the things that are most
important to us. When we don’t set boundaries, or don’t enforce
establish what is
the boundaries we’ve set, we enable others to disrespect us, suck expected. They allow
us into their drama, or open the door for more negative
experiences--i.e. more emotional clutter. us to get along with each
When you have cleared out emotional clutter, then find it other without alienating
returning, there are typically two reasons the emotional clutter--
the negative emotions and limiting beliefs--have returned.
each other.”
The first is that there is another limiting belief which re-creates
the clutter. Such beliefs can be something such as “I’ll always be affected by the things that happened to me
as a child.” If you hold that belief, you will re-create negative emotions that previously had disappeared or
been neutralized. In order to get rid of the emotional clutter re-created by this belief, you must simply get
rid of that belief. Then the emotional clutter release work you’ve done will once again take effect.
The second reason that emotional clutter returns is that boundaries have not been enforced. Remember that
negative emotions such as anger, hurt and guilt signal that boundaries have been violated. When you do not
enforce your boundaries consistently, you invite the clutter of those negative emotions back into your life.
Getting Others to Respect Your Boundaries

While it would be nice if people always wanted to treat us with respect, and wanted to follow our rules, in
fact, most people don’t pay attention to what our boundaries even are unless we make them very clear.
This means stating and enforcing them emphatically. Be clear about this: You have a right to set and enforce
your boundaries. You do not have to feel guilty because you don’t want people walking all over you. When
you don’t set and enforce boundaries it doesn’t help you and it doesn’t help the person you are letting use
you as a doormat. All humans (and animals) need rules, boundaries and limitations. They allow us to know
what is expected. They set parameters within which we can find some predictability. This is important, as it
allows us to understand each other and the world and find some security within it.
Think for a moment about a situation you’ve been in where you didn’t know what was expected. You didn’t
know the rules. You weren’t able to understand the game. How comfortable did you feel? You probably were
not very comfortable. Most people get anxious when they don’t know what to expect. They don’t want to
make a mistake, but they don’t know what the “right” way is. Boundaries help establish what is expected.
They allow us to get along with each other without alienating each other.
49
When Your Boundaries Are Respected
I’m often asked “What happens when people don’t respect my boundaries no matter what I say? What can
I do about that?” Unfortunately, if you have set boundaries, and been clear about communicating them, but
find they are still not respected, you will ultimately have to make a decision. That decision will be whether
or not you want to continue to stay in a relationship with the person who is disrespecting you.
Usually, if you decide you must stay in a relationship with them, (for instance when they are a family
member), it is recommended that you limit your contact with them. Here’s the natural consequence you
would like them to learn: When you violate someone’s boundaries consistently, they won’t want to be
around you.
I find that people who have their fair share of emotional clutter (or baggage) may have had people violate
their boundaries throughout their life. They are often people with a history of physical, emotional or sexual
abuse in childhood or into adulthood.
The negative impact of having your boundaries repeatedly violated can’t be overemphasized. When that
happens it impacts you emotionally, physically and sexually. Trust is affected, as is self-esteem. All sorts of
limiting beliefs are created, such as “I don’t deserve respect.” Serious mental and physical health problems
can result from boundary violations as flagrant as these.
In my experience, as difficult as it may be to sever relationships, to minimize or avoid contact with chronic
boundary violators, it may be necessary for survival. Individuals who constantly violate your boundaries
don’t care about your well-being, no matter what they say to the contrary. Essentially, they are toxic people.
If you were exposed to a toxic gas repeatedly in your life, presumably once you identified the danger, you
would make every effort to avoid it. Toxic substances and people have the potential to kill us. Literally. They
impact us physically, and make us susceptible to disease. They are just as deadly to us as a toxic gas can be.
If you have someone toxic in your life, I hope you will get support from a therapist or others to limit your
contact. The consequences of keeping toxic people in your life are dire.
50
Part Five
Keep Emotional
Clutter at Bay
Chapter Eleven
Keeping On Track
Once you have cleared the emotional clutter out of your life, it doesn’t mean that you won’t ever have
negative emotions or limiting beliefs enter your life again. Just as physical clutter can accumulate if we
don’t pay attention to it, emotional clutter can reappear in our lives as well.
With physical clutter, you need to continue to throw out
papers and junk that you no longer need. With emotional
clutter, you will have to continually get rid of negative
“Once you have cleared
emotions that are no longer serving any purpose. the emotional clutter out
Remember that negative emotions do have a purpose. of your life, it doesn’t mean
They are there to signal that there is something to which
you need to pay attention. When you pay attention to the that you won’t ever have
messages from emotions, you often must also take action. You
may need to set a boundary--to let other people know what
negative emotions or
is acceptable to you or not. This doesn’t have to be done in an limiting beliefs enter
angry way. Sometimes you only need to calmly state that what
they are doing (or trying to do) is not acceptable to you. your life again.”
Anger
Too often, we tolerate things we don’t like and simmer angrily about them inside. This doesn’t help anyone.
We end up angry and resentful and may even develop health problems. However, the person who is violat-
ing our boundary may even be oblivious to the fact that we believe they crossed our boundary.
Let me give you an example. Several years ago our new neighbor put a basketball hoop in the street in front
of their house and ours. I didn’t like it, and when it became apparent he intended to leave it there, I went
over and told him nicely that it wasn’t O.K. to have it there. He moved it into his driveway and we’ve been
great neighbors since.
I didn’t yell at him or call him names. We didn’t get into a fight about it. Because we are all different, he had
no idea about what bothered me. He had no idea it was a boundary issue for me. If I hadn’t done something
about it, I would have stewed, gotten resentful and angry and spoiled any relationships we might have had
with him. I would have been a victim.
If you find yourself feeling angry with someone, check to see if they have violated a boundary. If so, let them
know it. You can tell them it is important to you. In most cases, people aren’t intentionally trying to get you
angry. With some people, however, you may need to be especially determined, resolved to stand firm to
defend your boundary.
52
Hurt
Do the same thing if you are feeling hurt. Check to see if they have violated a boundary, and let them know
it. Let them know your feelings were hurt. Be clear about what you would like them to do. You won’t
always get what you want, but by being clear in your communication about your boundaries, there is a bet-
ter chance that they will be respected next time. When you talk about it, you clear up any misunderstanding.
Guilt
When you find yourself feeling guilty, check to see if you have violated someone else boundaries. If so, take
action to make amends to the person you harmed. Stop violating their boundary. Apologize or otherwise
find a way to make amends.
If your guilt is the result of doing something in conflict with your own values, take action to rectify that
situation as well. You may not be able to make amends in that particular situation, but you can make sure
you stay in tune with what you believe and what is important to you. Usually, when you act in a way that is
congruent with your own values, you are true to yourself and can keep guilt out of your life. Even if it isn’t
gone completely, you can keep it from cluttering up your life.
Sadness
If sadness shows up in your life, notice what losses you are feeling. Is a relationship ending? Do you need to
say “goodbye” to a person, place or way of life? Remember that sadness is there to signal that there is a loss
to grieve. Take action to begin that process by acknowledging that it is time to let go. Honor that loss in
whatever way you need to honor it. Remember the good times; allow yourself to grieve and move on.
When you hang onto sadness and grief, it accumulates into depression. Don’t let this clutter take up a room
in your life. The person you are grieving wouldn’t want that, would they? Understand all the things you
valued about that person or situation, appreciate them, and move on.
Fear
When fear is the emotion that clutters up your life, remember that this emotional clutter can paralyze
action, and really keep you from living the life you deserve. The real message of the emotion of fear is to
signal a danger, so that you can take action. When you feel fearful about something, ask yourself, “What is
the danger?” Identify the situation or thought which triggers the fear. Then ask yourself, “What do I need to
do about this?”
You may need to gather additional resources or find people who can help you deal with the danger. When
you take the necessary action, the fear will subside. You will be as prepared as you can possibly be. Once you
have made preparations to deal with the danger, there really isn’t anything more you can do. If you are still
afraid at that point, check to see what else you can do. When you have reached the point where you have
done everything you can possibly do to prepare for the situation, the fear may be there only serve the
purpose of keeping you alert for the danger.
53
If you struggle with a lot of fear, you may need to get professional help to assist you with it. Fear and
anxiety are particularly damaging to your body. Being continually in a state of fear and the physical arousal
that accompanies it flood your body with hormones that, while useful in situations of real danger, can take
their toll physically. Get help from a licensed therapist if you experience repeated activation of your fear
response, especially if there no actual danger present.
Limiting Beliefs
As we’ve seen from previous discussions, limiting beliefs can effectively block us from achieving our goals.
In addition, they can bring with them negative emotions that not only can keep us miserable, but damage
our bodies in the process. In order to keep emotional clutter at bay in your life, you will need to be especially
vigilant in noticing when a limiting belief is blocking you.
A simple limiting belief such as “I can’t” can grow from a small pile of clutter into a building-size mass of
limitations. It is important to catch these beliefs as quickly as you can identify them.
I often urge people to check for a limiting belief any time they feel blocked from moving forward toward
their goals. I find that there is often an unconscious limiting belief lurking below the surface, working like
a computer virus to mess up your best efforts. Once you identify the existence of the limiting belief, and
exactly what it is, you can take the steps outlined in this book to get rid of it.
A word of warning: The belief “I’m just a victim” is a particularly insidious belief that not only keeps you
depressed, but it often keeps you from taking action to change it. This is the “flesh-eating virus” version of a
limiting belief. This belief can grow and take over everything.
If you catch yourself believing you are a victim, make sure you take some action. The best way of handling
this belief is to take action to resolve your challenge in spite of this belief. You can counter this belief by
doing something. Counter it by telling yourself, “I may not have figured out how to solve this--yet--but I’m
going to. There are things I can do, even if I don’t know what they are yet.”
Clutter Maintenance is an On-Going Job

Keeping your life free of emotional clutter is an ongoing job. On a regular basis, be aware of the need to get
rid of things that you no longer need, or that no longer work for you. Be willing to give up your collection of
limiting beliefs and negative emotions.
The motivation behind this book, as well as the programs I do with my clients, is to allow you to move
forward in you life toward a magnificent life--the best possible life imaginable--and to move forward
unencumbered by things that keep you from achieving that goal.
I hope you’ve at least begun the process of getting rid of your emotional clutter. If you’ve had trouble doing
that, you may wish to have someone help you in the process. The result of clearing out your old negative
emotions and limiting beliefs is well worth your effort. Let me know how I can support you in this ongoing
process.
54
About the Author
Linda Pucci, Ph.D. is a psychologist, life coach, author, speaker and
trainer with 30 years experience helping people overcome limiting
beliefs and past negative experiences, allowing them to discover their
best selves. She is committed to finding solutions and moving people
forward using diverse change techniques that allow them to improve
their lives quickly. Among other methods, she utilizes experiential
learning with horses, Neuro Linguistic Programming, and Time Line
Therapy® in her workshops, coaching and therapy practice.
Dr. Pucci believes that all people carry within themselves the resources
for solving their life’s challenges; they need only find the ways to access
those resources. Her business, Inner Resource Center, LLC, is committed to assisting individuals, small
businesses, and solopreneurs find the internal and external resources that allow them to achieve success.
Dr. Pucci is committed to growth, and regularly adds new skills and knowledge to her practice. She holds
multiple professional certifications, including Trainer of Neuro Linguistic Programming; Trainer of Time
Line Therapy®; Instructor of Hypnotherapy; Board Certified Expert in Traumatic Stress, Diplomate; Expert
in Forensic Traumatology; Equine Assisted Training Specialist; and Equine Assisted Psychotherapist.
For many years, Dr. Pucci was the owner and clinical director of a mental health and alcohol and drug
treatment center in Kenosha, Wisconsin. She left there in 1998 to move to East Tennessee and start the
Inner Resource Center. She established her office at Hold Your Horses Farm in 2005, and works from a
setting overlooking the Smoky Mountains and her horses grazing in the pasture.
Dr. Pucci and her husband, Bernie, live outside Maryville, Tennessee in the foothills of the Smokies, with
their dog, three house cats, a barn cat, and four horses.
Come visit Linda at www.InnerResourceCenter.com or www.ResourcesWithHorses.com.
Emotional Clutter Personal Breakthrough Sessions

If your emotional clutter isn’t just clutter, but is so much clutter that it has overwhelmed your life, consider
having a professional help you.
No, it doesn’t have to require 10 years of intensive therapy. You can get rid of those mountains of emotional
clutter by working with someone especially trained to help you get rid of it relatively
quickly.
Is this you?
• Are your negative emotions and limiting beliefs getting in the
way of your success?
• Do they keep you stuck in a rut?
• Do you sabotage yourself in big ways?
• Are you totally frustrated by how your life is going?
• Do you believe that you are a victim of your circumstances?
55
Sometimes people get totally buried in their emotional clutter. When this old baggage from our past gets in
the way, it is hard to see what options we really have available. Just like physical clutter, this “junk” clutters
up our lives in negative ways.
If you’d like to get this baggage out of the way, get unstuck and be able to move on with your life, consider
Emotional Clutter Personal Breakthrough Sessions. Getting rid of old baggage doesn’t have to take months
or years of therapy.
It just takes a willingness to let go of that mental clutter, a willingness to imagine your life (and your identity)
without it, and a commitment to do something about it.
Overcome the issues that are really blocking you in a selected area of your life. Imagine transforming some
area of your life so that you have all the resources you need.
Emotional Clutter Personal Breakthrough Sessions can be done in two ways:

1) Sessions can be spread over a period of a few months;
2) Sessions can be done intensively in as little as 5-12 hours over the course of a few days.
Call for more information: (865) 983-7544 or toll free (866) 665-6103
Special Free Newsletters
Inner Resources
If you enjoy challenging yourself regularly, and want to continue with your personal
growth, I invite you to sign up for my free monthly newsletter: Inner Resources. I bring
this newsletter to your inbox monthly, packed with information to help you move forward
in your life. Each month we cover a specific topic, followed by an action challenge with
specific step-by-step instructions about how you can take your learning to the next level.
If you are interested in adding to your inner resources, go to my website:
www.InnerResourceCenter.com and sign up for the newsletter. Don’t worry. Should you decide you don’t
want it, you can unsubscribe at any time.
Wisdom from the Horse’s Mouth

In the middle of every month, I send out a special one-page tip straight from the
horse’s mouth. My horses share with readers their perspective on human behavior,
with tips about how to live more fully and be more effective. If you like horses, or if
you want a unique perspective on how to live, you can sign up for a monthly horse’s tip
by going to www.ResourcesWithHorses.com and signing up there. I think you’ll enjoy
it, but if you don’t, you can easily unsubscribe.
56
Unique Personal Growth Workshops
We offer several unique personal growth workshops, especially
designed to take your learning far beyond anything you have
experienced before. These aren’t ordinary workshops--they are
unique transformational experiences.
What makes them so unique? Among other exercises designed
to take your learning to the next level, we also incorporate
experiential learning with horses!
We specially design activities and games to play with horses to
enable participants to learn quickly and have fun doing it. The
horses are able to provide immediate, unmistakable feedback
about whether words and actions align with what a person is feeling inside. They challenge you to be
completely honest with yourself and with them. The mirror they provide on our behavior allows
participants to quickly identify what works in their lives and what doesn’t. You can then change your
approach and experience lasting lessons for success from the
horses and your time together.
No riding or horsemanship skills are needed for these
workshops. When you ride a horse, you are really a
passenger. These workshops are about taking action in
your life, not being a passenger.
For more information about available workshops and
retreats, call Linda Pucci at (865) 983-7544 or go to
www.InnerResourceCenter.com and
www.ResourcesWithHorses.com
Ask about Pegasus Soars: A Transformational Weekend
for Women Facing Change; Discover Your Inner Mare:
A Mother-Daughter Workshop; Discover Yourself With
Horses and other workshops for self-discovery and
personal growth.
Ask about our business workshops with horses, too.
57

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Get Rid of

by Linda S. Pucci, Ph.D.

Keep Baggage from the Past from Sabotaging Your Life!

Copyright © 2008 by Linda S. Pucci, Ph.D.

Published by Tree of Serenity Press

Book Cover Design by Mary Bristol Designs

Library of Congress Control Number:

Linda S. Pucci, Ph.D.

Part One: What is Emotional Clutter

2 Negative Emotions from the Past 8

4 Emotional Clutter Can Shape Your Identity 19

Part Two: Getting Ready to Get Rid of Emotional Clutter

Part Three: Getting Rid of Emotional Clutter

7 Changing Your Emotions 33

8 Get Rid of Emotional Clutter by Reframing 40

9 Advanced Methods for Getting Rid of Emotional Clutter 46

Part Four: The Importance of Boundaries

Part Five: Keep Emotional Clutter at Bay

About the Author 55

What Is Emotional Clutter?

How Emotional Clutter Is Born

3. Failure to set or enforce boundaries.

Is Emotional Clutter Inevitable?

You Really Can Get Rid of It

The Role of the Unconscious Mind

Understanding Negative Emotions

The Cumulative Effect

The Threat to Your Body

Messages from Negative Emotions

Sadness and Grief

Vulnerability and Hurt

Heeding the Messages from Emotions

Stockpiling Negative Emotions

How Limiting Beliefs Are Born

Common Limiting Beliefs

“I’m not good enough.”

Beliefs about Money

“Money is the root of all evil.”

Identity Formation “If you have negative

Changing Your Identity

The Key to Change

Your Evolving Identity

Let Go of a Limiting Identity

Less True / More True Statement

4. 1 2 3 4 5 I am willing to do whatever is necessary (as long as it is legal and ethical) to

5. 1 2 3 4 5 I am willing to “try on” new concepts or different ways of approaching things

7. 1 2 3 4 5 I will be honest with myself about information that is pertinent to my

9. 1 2 3 4 5 I am willing to trust that wise part of myself–my unconscious mind–that

14. 1 2 3 4 5 I am willing to see this process through to completion.

Please Do Not Read This Section Until You Have

The Four Questions to Ask to Know if You Are Ready to Change

1. What will happen if you let it go?

2. What will happen if you don’t let it go?

4. What won’t happen if you don’t let it go?

Figure Out Where to Start

What is the purpose of my hanging onto this emotion/belief?

But the good news is that habits can be changed.

Changing Your Perception

Change the Pictures

Disrupt the Emotions

Changing Your State

Generate Resources by Creating a “Ring of Power”