New Moon: Edwards conversation with the Cullens after Jaspers attack

Continuing from the end of chapter 2 in New Moon.

Try to sleep, Bella , I frowned at her. She has really had a rough night. All because of me. Because I chose to allow her to be apart of my world. What was I thinking? No, I want you to kiss me again. She said. Youre overestimating my self-control, I said, which was nothing new. She often forgot, or pretended to forget, how her blood tempted me. Let alone how, so very much, her body, being so close to mine, also tempted me in other ways. Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?, she asked. Is that a trick question?, I thought to myself. Its a tie, I grinned, despite the fact that I was feeling totally and utterly helpless and unworthy of her presence in my life right now. How could I have let this happen?, I thought. All expression left my face as I thought of that and then I was suddenly serious. Now, why dont you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep? Fine she agreed, snuggling herself close to me. Her warm body did strange things to me.But I shoulndt be thinking about that right now. As she allowed herself to finally try to get some sleep, I felt her place her arm against my shoulder. Maybe the coolness of my skin made her arm feel better. I think she was tyring to be sneaky about it. Did she really think I wouldnt notice? I started to ask her about it, if she was still in pain, but my cold skin seemed to make her feel better and thats all that mattered. Bella finally fell asleep as I continued to stare at her face as she drifted. She is so beautiful, I thought. How is it that this magnificent, perfect creature is meant for me. A monster. Far from magnificent. I just continued to stare. Her face was so smooth with all expression wiped away as she dreamed. Ill bet every dollar I have that she was dreaming about me. Even after what I have put her through tonight. What I have put her through since we met. She still dreams happy dreams. of me. Oh, how I dont deserve her. Then I started to wonder if she felt the urgency of my kiss. Then I shook my head..More than likely she did. Bella noticed everything. I couldnt help myself though. I got caught up in the moment. I could kiss her forever.. Feeling our lips move in sychronization like they were meant only for each other. Feelling her tongue trace across my lips and set every nerve in my body on fire. Hearing her breathing accelerate as I kissed her from her temple, down her jaw, across her throat, and her collarbone.I cant go there right now, though. And I ripped the image from my mind. There is a more pressing issue that needs to be taken care of. I have to do something about this impossible situation that I have created. She deserves to live a happy life, free from any danger, free from vampires. Especially vampires. Every since she has become apart of

my life, she has been in constant danger from being harmed by our kind. Now, my own brother has endangered her life. As long as we are together, she will always be in danger. I am so weak. I may be strong in strength, but internally, I am weaker than any human. I should have left when she first got to Forks like I wanted to. Before I fell in love with her. I should have been strong enough to leave, instead of being selfish. Even after I realized I loved her, I should have loved her enough to leave her, protect her from what I am. I will love her enough now. I have to leave. I have to leave Bella. Just thinking those words pained my expression. Leave Bella?, I thought and let out a sigh. Just the sound of those words echoing in my head sent a shrieking pain in my hollow heart. This girl is everything to me. To my existence. She is my soul. But I have to do whatever I can to make sure she is happy and safe, no matter how much pain it causes me. She must be safe. Edward, Bella sighed as she dreamed. She is dreaming of me. Well, there goes every dollar I have. Its amazing how the sound of my name coming from her lips still sends chills through my body. I love her so much. If I could cry, tears would be streaming down my face. What am I going to do without her? How will I survive? And then I corrected that last question. How will I survive ..if something terrible happened to her? This is the most important question. That question overrules any feelings of indecision I have about leaving. She must exist. I will survive it, the pain, the suffering, the agony, I will make myself survive it all as long as I know she exists. I Love You, Edward.. she sighed again and then turned over with a slight smile on her lips. I have to go tell my family about leaving before she continues to speak the words that will compel me to stay. As I got up to leave, she clutched her hands on my shirt. I looked at her thinking that she was awake. The strength that she put behind holding on to me, she had to be awake. But she was still sound asleep. It was as if she knew that I was about to leave. Not just leave to go home, but leave forever. As I pryed her hands from my shirt, I realized that this was going to be extremely hard. Its going to be nearly impossible for her to let me go. But I must. I leaped out of her window and raced home. When I got there, Alice met me on the porch. By the look on her face, I could tell that she already knew what I was there for. Her expression was mixed between a scowl and pain. I had thought that this would be the easiest part of all of this. Telling my family that we have to leave. But looking at her face, I could see that this was going to be very hard for them to. I am hurting everyone I love the most. I am a terrible person. I should not exist. As I approached, Alice started to say something, but I interrupted her. Its for the best Alice, I said. The best for who Edward. Its not the best for me, its not the best for you, and it is most definitely not the best for her. This will devastate her Edward. She will get over it eventually. Over me. As much as I didnt want her to get over me, as much as I wanted her to love me forever, as I would her, she had to get over me. She had to forget me. Its the

only way to make sure she is safe, Alice. She deserves to be happy. She deserves to be free from danger. Our presence in her life puts her in danger. Cant you see that!? If she would not have been in the clearing with us playing baseball last spring, James would never have gotten a whif of her scent and tried to kill her. If she would not have been at our house, Jasper wouldnt have tried to attack her. Everytime she has been in danger, it has been been because of me. She does not deserve this. My voice broke on that last sentence. Alice would never know how much pain this is causing me to do this. Not now anyway. But I must hold my confidence while explaining this to her. To them. They dont need to detect any confusion about the decision on my part or they will do whatever they can to try to convince me to stay. Edward, I think Bella should at least have a part in this decision. This affects her life too you know. This affects all of our lives. You are not the only one who loves her. We all love her, especially me. What about Esme? You know she already considers Bella as a daughter. Have you thought about that? Have you thought about anyone besides yourself? You cannot make this decision for her. You cannot make this decision for all of us!. Alice practically growled at me. The decision is made, Alice. I did not come here to discuss this. I came here to let you know that we ARE leaving and that you need to prepare to leave. I kept my voice at stern as I could under the circumstances. Edward, you cant make me leave. You may leave if you wish. But she is my best friend and I will not hurt her like this. This is stupid! This is insane! I will not go along with it. She was yelling with a highpitch now. Her voice always got high when she was angry. If I wasnt in so much pain from what I was about to do, this would have been hilarious. We stared each other down for what seemed like forever. I was used to doing this with Bella whenever she got angry with me.But I cant think of that right now. I have to be strong, at least for right now. Then I realized that she was not Bella, a human. She was a vampire. Its in our nature to be as still as stone. As vampires, we could do this forever, literally. So I decided to speak first. I didnt have time for this. I needed to get back to Bella. Every moment I had left with her was ticking away and this was taking away from that time. I have moved whenever any of you have asked me to without a word or complaint. I havent tried to stop anyone when they wanted to move on. I have never asked them to explain their reason for leaving. You owe me this and you know it. I said very calmly. As the words I said sunk in, her expression changed from anger to defeat. She knew I was right. Please, Edward she said with her thoughts. Her golden eyes pleading. As much as I hated to hurt my favorite sister, this is what was best for Bella and she is my first priority. Im sorry Alice. I know you love her. Which is why you should see how this is the best thing for her. She needs to be safe. She needs to be happy. That cannot happen as long as we are in her life. I told her. All seriousness gone from my face before I gave it permission to. I was pleading with her. Pleading for her to understand why this was the best thing for Bella. Pleading for her to understand that this has to happen for Bella to be safe. She breathed out a sigh. A sigh of defeat, Ok, Edward. I will leave with you. I will desert my best friend. I do owe you this. I cant begrudge you this. Her words were understanding but her voice and expression were still full of pain.

Thanks Now can we go in and let the others know? I said. Happy to have gotten past one member of my family unharmed. Five more to go. I guess. She said. As painful as this was about to be, I know that this was just a quarter of the pain that I would have to endure over the next few days. Days..I thought to myself. Is that really all the time I had left with Bella? Days? Although I had known that we didnt have much time left together once I made my decision to leave, saying the word made it that much more devastating. And that much more permanent. I had imagined being with Bella forever for so long now. It was hard to rap my head around the concept of only a few more days with her. Alice and I walked in the door together and, as I deciphered my familys expressions and thoughts, I knew that our conversation outside had not gone unnoticed or unheard. They were all sitting in dining room waiting for us. I walked in the dining room and looked at all of their faces. All of them were experiencing different emotions about what I was about to tell them, but one emotion was consistent throughout all of them. Sadness. I spoke first before their questions started to flood the room. So, Im pretty sure that you all heard the conversation the Alice and I had outside and you all know why I am here. Before I could continue, Jasper thoughts broke my concentration. Im sorry, Edward. This is all my fault. I will leave. Alone. You should not have to deprive yourself of the woman you love because of my actions. What I did was unforgiveable and I should be the one to take responsibility for--- No, Jasper. I said before he could continue. This is not your fault. I forgive you. What happened happened. You are not going anywhere alone. I do not hold you responsible in any way. I told him. And as I said it I realized that I did not hold him responsible for what he did. Yeah, he attacked her and if we all hadnt been there to get him under control he probably would have killed her- flinch-but I know that he did not want to hurt her. His vampire instincts took over and I know, all to well, that when that happens it is impossible to stop yourself even though your mind is telling you that it is wrong. I am not leaving because of what just happened tonight. That has something to do with it but thats not the only reason. Every since I let Bella interact with our world, she has been in danger. Last spring, because I included her in one of our baseball games, she was pursued by two vampires and almost died at the hands of one of them. I winced as I recalled the memories that have haunted me since last spring. That will haunt me for the rest of my existence. Tonight, she was once again put in danger because of me, I tried my best to word that last statement making very careful not to make Jasper feel worse than he already did. Our presence in her life is not good for her. I should have left when you told me too Carlisle instead of staying here and pursuing her. I dont know why I thought this couldve worked out. It was doomed before it even began. I think the best thing for Bella is if we leave town. This would hurt her, at first, but she will get over it and go on to live a happy, peaceful life. Free from any danger that our world causes her.

Everyone sat there for a minute. Thoughtless, as they processed my words. Carlisle was the first to speak. Edward, I know youre thinking of Bellas safety, but this is going to be very hard on you also. Have you thought this through? Maybe you should give it some time? There has to be another way. So like Carlisle, always trying to find a bright side. Carlisle, I dont see any other way. The only other way is if there was any possible way for me to become human for her, and unless you know that secret, this is the only option. Oh, how I wish that there was a way. Any possible way at all that I could be human for Bella. I would do it. No matter the price or pain that it entailed, I would suffer it. Anything to deserve her. But there wasnt. Esme just looked at me. Pain and sadness in her eyes. I know how much she loves Bella and this was killing her to have to leave her, but the thing that caused her the most pain was the pain that I was going to go through when I was without Bella. She was the one that was the most happiest when she knew I had fallen for Bella. Well, besides Alice. She had worried about my loneliness and unhappiness for eighty years and she was ecstatic that I was finally happy. Whole. Esme, I will be fine., I said as I answered her thoughtss. Its whats best for Bella and thats the most important thing. Dont worry about me. I said trying to console her. But she knew just as well as I did that this was a lie. I, honestly, dont know how I was gonna survive this. But I had to put on a brave face. Especially for Esme. Edward, are you sure? This is not a decision that should be made at the spur of the moment. This is very serious. Please make sure that you have exhausted every possible option. This will have tremendous consequences. Carlisle said to me. Carlisle, do you see any other option?, I challenged. No, but-, he started to say but I interrupted him. Does anyone else see any other option? Do you see any other way that Bella can be safe when she is confronted with any our kind? You all have smelled her. She smells too good for any vampire, thats not a vegetarian, to resist her if they get a whif of her scent. If were not here, no vampire would get close enough to catch a whif. So I dont see any other option. If you do, please enlighten me because I dont. It was quiet for a moment. Everyone just looked at me. Like they were waiting for me to say that I was just joking or something. They all knew how much Bella had made me happy. How her presence in my life has changed me drastically. They couldnt believe that I was about to do this. I looked at Rosalie and Emmett. They were the only two that havent said anything about the situation. I wanted everyones views, although their views were not going to change my decision. Do you guys have anything to add? I really do want to hear your opinions. I looked at both of them, even though I really only cared about Emmetts. Emmett looked at Rosalie, then turned back to me and spoke first. Well, Edward, you know I love having Bella around. She has become my little sister. He said this with no humor in his tone. Rare for Emmett. It surprised me. He usually didnt speak with so much seriousness in his voice. Even in the most serious situations. As much as I wish that you would reconsider your decision, because I love her too, I can understand. I would do whatever it took to make sure that Rosalie was safe, if she was as fragile and vulnerable as Bella. I wont contest your decision. Im with you with whatever you decide to do.. Wow..was all I think to myself.

I looked around at everyone once I composed my face from the shock of Emmetts words and they looked just as shocked as I did. Emmett started to laugh. Come on you guys, I am capable of speaking without making a joke and laughing it off. He said. Then he snickered and said, Well sometimes. So when do we leave, Rosalie said. Without an ounce of feeling about the situation. Like she was happy. She hid her thoughts by thinking about all the clothes in her closet and trying to figure out what she was gonna wear tomorrow. A growl escaped from somewhere inside my body before my mind had time to register where it came from. Or course she wouldnt care if Bella wasnt in our life anymore. In my life anymore.She never liked her anyway. Before I could yell every profanity I knew at her for rejoicing about the situation, Alice interrupted me. Geesh, Rosalie, can you be any less sympathetic? Your brother is about to lose the love of his life and you dont even care. Is your hatred toward Bella really more important than the love that you NEED to be showing towards your brother? We all love Bella, we are all hurting because of this and you dont even care. You couldnt be happier, could you? I just dont understand how you can- Alice could have continued all night, but I interrupted her once I got ahold of myself. I would get to Rosalie when I had time for that but right now all I wanted to do was get back to Bella. Its ok Alice. I didnt expect anything else from Rosalie. Thats all I said. Simple. That alone would tear Rosalie up. I wouldnt give her the attention that she craved. I would show her how unimportant she was in this decision. So, its settled then, were leaving? I said. As a question, though I wasnt really asking permission. I was beginning to ache from being away from Bella considering the short time we had left. It was like something. some kind of force, was pulling me back to her. I didnt want to fight it. I wasnt going to fight it. Not now. I would have enough time to fight the magnetic force that pulls me towards her soon enough. There would time for that. Right now I embrace it. I welcome it. Carlisle answered my question. I guess so. Well invite Bella up here tomorrow to tell her goodbye and leave right after. No, you cant say goodbye to her. None of you can. That did it. They all started yelling at once. What? What do you mean we cant say goodbye?, Alice said. Edward, we cant just leave, Esme pleaded. No, Edward. I have to, at least, apologize said Jasper. We have to tell her something Carlisle suggested. I cant leave without seeing her blush one last time. Emmett joked. Bella blushing. Even though Emmett was joking, that was one thing that I dont know how I was going live without. Seeing Bella blush scarlet. I shyed away from that image to cut them off in their rants. If we make a big scene about saying goodbye, it is only going to make things harder for her. She needs a clean break from us. I told them. The pain in their voices, and their thoughts, as I told them that they could not see Bella again to tell her goodbye was more than I could take.

Alice spoke up, Edward, if you think that Im gonna leave without, at least, saying goodbye you have another thing coming. You are not the only who loves her. We all love her. What is she going to think if we just leave like that? Thats not fair Edward! Its not fair! she screamed. Alice, its the best thing for her. If she has to watch all of us walk away from her, it is just going to cause her more pain than necessary. Im sure you dont want that. Im sure none of you want that. They had to understand. I had to know that they were not going to try to see her before they left. But Edward Alice started, but I could see that she was beginning to understand me. And so I cut her off. Alice, you know thats what she needs. You all do. They thought about that and agreed, silently. So whats the plan? You cant just leave her without a word Edward, you know that. Carlisle asked. Well, you all should leave tonight. Head up to Denali with Tanyas coven until we figure out where to go next. Ill stay behind and say goodbye to Bella and meet you up there in a few days. Carlisle was the last one to speak. Everyone else were sorting out their feelings, but otherwise going along with the plan. They knew they owed me too. Edward, please make Carlisle, I love her. More than anything. Everyone knows that. She is the single most important thing to me. But if anything happened to her because she is with me, I would never be able to live with myself. I know that its going to be really hard to be without her. Im not denying that. Its going to hurt much worse that dying a thousand deaths. But I will do what it takes to make her safe. And this will make her safe. And in that, he didnt question me further. As I was leaving, I blocked out their thoughts. I couldnt deal with their pain right now. I had all the time in the world to deal with that. What I didnt have all the time in the world for was being with Bella. That is what my mind is going to be focused on for the next couple of days. As I ran back to her house, I thought about what I was going to have to endure for the next couple of days. The pain I was going to suffer to make sure that she was happy and safe. I climbed back into her window and laid down next to her. I felt better already. Relieved. It was like my body felt her absence and her presence put me at ease. As soon as I got back into my position, next to her, she turned over and snuggled up close to me. Like, even in unconsciousness, she knew that I wasnt there. I begin to think about right and wrong again. My mind was made up already but that didnt stop me from trying to come up with more rights to overshadow the wrongs. But I couldnt, so I gave up. In my defeat, I told myself that instead of wallowing in my decision to leave this loving creature, I would just enjoy these moments. These next couple of days I am going to have to be very distant towards her. But I would still enjoy every minute, because she would be there. I would avoid too much touching because every touch of her warm body to mine would only prolong my leaving. I would avoid kisses because every kiss would only convince me that leaving was the wrong thing to do. No smiling, because every smile that we share would only make it that much harder to face being without it. I had a role to play. This thought brought me back to when we first met and I tried to stay away from her and show her that I was a monster. Just like back then, which seemed like another lifetime ago, I had another role to play.

She woke that morning and looked very tired. Restless.She must didnt sleep very well. I shouldnt have left and stayed as long as I did, but it was necessary. She looked me over and I knew that she was trying to determine my mood. To see if I was still upset from last night. She looked at me with those beautiful chocolate brown eyes and, for a second, I almost changed my mind about leaving. These eyes.these beautiful eyes. If I had a heart, her eyes, staring into mine, would send it hammering against my chest. But not a second had passed before I remembered the role that I had to play and why I was playing it. Her safety. This is for her. I repeated this like a chant in my head. I had to keep a constant reminder of why I was doing this. I knew it would be so easy to change my mind and stay with her forever. But I couldnt. So I just kissed her forehead, not her lips, and ducked out her window. Here we go. The pain and the suffering begins now.