CB Terry

Ojai, CA, 5/1/11

~Shadowise

Searching / Found
some things change some things stay the same

There is no mystery. One day these will all be memories. Prepare. Take a breath. Maintain the Perspective. Absolute Concentration. This too shall pass. Seek not knowledge but wisdom. Worship the Way. Or don't.
the greatest opportunity, is the next one. - rich terfry

Copyright CB Terry, 2012, All rights reserved

My purpose is perfection.

This is a collection of writings that I am sending off to the wind with the intention of helping it flow easier. The wind. This work is dedicated to my mother and father, my grandmother and uncle, to the universe, to each and every person who inspired me and who I inspired along the way, and to the part of me that never saw any value in any of this until a chorus of light bulbs sung. Included are journals, poetry, free writing, personal letters, scribblings, from over the years, mostly unedited, and if I could I would put so much more into it, its definitely here, somewhere. Have fun, and thanks for reading; pass it on, store it somewhere, this is me.

! Exclamation !

in the short amount of time between .. nothing .. in a place just outside of .. everything .. and only seen by .. no one .. life went on.

this was not cheerful, sad or happy, it simply occurred. what was recording and reflecting upon these events, moment to moment, yelled, screamed, for a name, but none was ever forthcoming.

to find this name many a life would go on, searching, wondering, wandering, purposely guided, from place to place, time to time, weaving in and out of each others paths, creating a pulsating matrix that on its own would have life, color, experience.

the span of time encompassed all known, unknown, eluded all things known, unknown, forgotten, to be remembered. with such urgency deferred it still kept a steady ember in the base of existence, mirrored as it was throughout everything. in true calm fleeting glimpses would appear, beckon to be followed, to some dream land, some oasis, some alternate reality whose portal could be anywhere, under a rock, behind a door, through a wall. inside of a box, under a pillow, the mind boggling multitudes of masked entrances, to where it would seem effervescent, flaunting, omniscient. the question would beckon, who was hiding from who, and what, as the ensuing game of chase and hide would spin off into its own being, having its own life, its own expression.

"it seemed a nice place to be lost in."

Morning looms and the nights workers work harder for the approaching deadline. The tasks completed placed on a wall in stone marking the passing of time. That yet to be done kept firm in the minds of the carriers of these messages I never know what to expect but find I can't stop my self from trying, yet whatever is strongest in me shows itself from time to time, in dyer circumstance, life-or-death teetering, episodes, experiences, happenings .. Even the most fundamental of ideas gets tossed into the spotlight, for a gaggle of old women and the penetrating stares of old men to look over, judge. In this light nothing is sacred, only the changing of the lens, the glimmer that it makes. Certainty lies ahead, further, much, much further, but only around the corner, to make things easier. Nothing happens instantly. Not in a linear fashion. We'd hope it would, and thats part of the process, but there are many other factors. Every moment is part of the buildup of the greatest culmination of ideas and memories, and when placed properly the inevitable is only hastened. The night looms and the days workers hasten, for their work will have no profit in the night. In the night the wild side of the humans emerged, and those brute enough to withstand the cold, withstand the winds, the elements, would often be able to begin again, in a new light. In that light the drama of the day, seen only in the night, became petty, trivial. The hardships, the pain, the process. The millions of footsteps taken, across a land so barren, to find solace...

In the night the men and women would build their shelters. Some would build them from stone, others from wood. Still others would use earth, but some would use dreams ..

So, uh, am I watching you, or are you watching me? Is this a dream? Or are we on TV? I saw it in a mirror once, like it came to me
But I forgot, due to residual complacency

In the valley of awareness Surrounded by the mounts of reality Covered by the sky of consciousness The stars are mine
and when i walk through this valley with my head tilted back i use my hands to read the braille of this galaxies star map

why would i need to look straight ahead when the entire world rests within my head a bubble waiting to burst as i lay dreaming in my bed these mountains, are not mountains at all so lets call them .. ladders getting closer to these holes in the sky .. they aren't as small as they appear. i know why .. i was not supposed to fit through a passage so narrow. lets widen the appearance, so that others may follow.

We now return you to your unusual state of discontinuity ... While your narcissism is making you a celebrity You get more fake love than half of February to hell, or to heaven, your choice rebel, or ask the question, your voice is important, in this endeavor of course, the size is inconsequential

I had a dream recently the first thing I remember, was a gun, pointed at me Then I fell into a babies body so happily But a dog was barking at me
And I felt fear as if for the first time So I fled so hastily ...

Into a void as far as the eye could see, a black space encompassing my total vision I was amazed As a road formed before me I walked but seven steps And then a glass room appeared Except for its surface, the cube seemed completely clear And then an old man was standing there He stood but four feet, hobbled and crouched over And very slowly he said to me This is what you've been waiting for all of your life And I give this key to thee As the [time] item changed hands I felt a spark of warm energy Reminding me of what I cannot see .. Reminding me of what was happening

I thought .. I could not write this well .. Then I woke up in a dream with the door opening It was at least fifteen feet And apparently made out of one solid piece of wood As it split I stayed firmly where I stood Surprised by the rumbling and dust I coughed at once Then thought it must be my destiny to enter And went inside To see in the fuzzy distance a single light Maybe a small candle And I noticed ... I noticed ... my feet just disappear, and I was floating toward the target of my focus And there I sat A flame too small to light a match

But it glowed And on the other side ... A tiny silhouette moved ... A childs voice ... I am sorry for the paradox .. We made this .. I am he and you are me We are three for eternity Understood as one.

You must create your manifest destiny, and quest for me To be real

I Shall Not Master It It Shall Master Me Self Mastery

Hello Chad, this is a message sent from the future. It would appear as your past as this is how things have been mixed up. However it is best that you trust the origin of this composition, as faith may

be your only weapon against this deception. It all began in a little universe in Nebula 106, Sector 7G when a curious scientist became obsessed with the creation of sub-universes and absentmindedly left his universe generator running over night. When he had returned the next morning, he found his laboratory filled to the brim with universes. He later found out that these universes had created their own universes, due to each universe being created with its own universe creator. The professor was furious. What he did not realize was that his mistake would be your fortune, as you see this wonderful and horrible manifestation of collective experiences is called L.I.F.E., and has been given to you as a gift which requires a thank you card. Even though the set of universes was created by pure chance, spirit law dictates that there is no chance; there for we can get past the little 'big bang theory' theory. In these universes created inside of other universes, the laws have become transmuted and objectified though they do still hold weight. The doctor soon found that there was a serious conundrum abound: the sub-universes would in turn exist solely and wholly of themselves; that is, destroying the parent universe would not destroy the child universe. As his level of consciousness is infinitely higher than any of that known to our universe,

so too is the same true of his parent universe. However, contact is lost. At most it is intermittent; it can be restored

Looking through these shattered windows even I forgot that these things were not the things that they represented. That these maps were not the territories through which they allowed navigation.

Breaking Perspectives.

I just had to follow along. These maps made themselves after a while, without my involvement. Had I consciously given myself to slavery? We all seemed to be on the same boat. Going the same way.

But time was never wasted, only replaced. I knew . . . I knew, but I kept on forgetting. Or did I really know . . and know what? That my map was outdated, missing pieces, though I trudged on with as much confidence as before. Who else could afford to stop and think?

Yet all of these systems made us feel separate, disconnected. It took some special spark or event or gesture for this illusion to dissolve.

Even then it would build itself back up, needing holidays and anniversaries to be remembered. As if my blood was a different colour than yours. Was it true in the first place? Was it

so when i put my hand through the mirror to try and turn the knob to make the image a little bit clearer before me appeared a healer holding a seal weathered as it was he told me that i was the cause of the malady the malfunction and i was the only one who could save me through an injunction and correct application of principals and knowledge of self and freedom freedom being the ability to heed his words or not or weld them into some sort of conspiracy plot i could forever live on this side of the mirror or on that side or i could become the mirror and see lucidly

both sides of the both this song came to me in a dream when i was young and i still remember it to this day the words went the words went ... 'no one seems to notice that the sun is gone the light is on but no ones home i'll cause no harm just let go of my clinging arm' over and over again over and over again ...

and also, one strange day, way past noon, there had been no sun and I thought, how odd? to think ... in the mail arrived a letter it was addressed to Chad T which is me but the funny part was ... apparently ... it was from me ... I don't remember writing such nonsense.

I read it over and over again ..

I remember dreams.
I remember having lots of vivid dreams over the course of my life.

The dreams have felt realer than my waking life experiences, and full of fanciful events. I remember one dream where I watched from what felt like the beach as meteors or rockets stormed down from the sky. I was sleeping on a terrace in Santa Barbara at the time, and I was probably pretty cold. That dream was pretty short, but the its effects on me after I had awaken were pretty pronounced. It was dark when it happened, but the light was sort of a twilight quality; maybe sunrise or sunset. I remember having a dream where my mother walked through the window in my four story room in Oakland. I was sure of who it was though I had not seen her in very many years, but I was distracted by the television and began to flip the channels looking for something to watch. I was slightly aware of the fact that I was dreaming. The cable box was the same as it was from my home in New York in the 80s. I remember many dreams where I am surrounded by a group of people and we are doing something very involving. Either driving in a car, or working on a project; most of these dreams I cannot remember at all, only the vague feeling of having had a very involved dream. I often wake up in sweat after my dreams, they are so involved. I remember having a dream where I knew that I was dreaming, and was dissatisfied with my surroundings. I thought, I would like to be in a forest, and all of the sudden, I was in what I can only describe as a huge warehouse; the light was dark and seemed to come from an internal source. In this warehouse was giant trees, hundreds of feet tall, but they were cut at the ends, and had no branches. They were selectively being manipulated by huge punchers coming from the top of the warehouse. I walked around, and then found someone and asked them what year is it? They responded that it was 2032, or some far off year. I knew that it was odd, but I continued through this lucid dream.

I then walked through a door and was in a very crowded place. The crowd was going down an escalator, onto a shuttle kind of like the BART system in Oakland. I got onto the train, and remember looking out of the back of it, as it pulled away. My dreams are often cut short by my own excitement. I usually wake up after realizing that I am dreaming, or fall back into an unconscious dream. I have been having lucid dreams for nearly ten years, on and off. I remember one dream where I first noticed my state, and then decided that I wanted to swim. I jumped up, and dove into a big swimming pool. The pool shortly turned into a watering hole, which was in the desert. Beside the hole was a rock, and indented in tan earthen colored rock was a skinny creature which I thought then was a daemon. I went on to strangle the demon, and can remember the feeling of my hands grasping around its neck. As it finally lay dead, I woke up. I cant remember how I felt after I woke up, but this demon in my dreams has been a recurring theme. I remember once while sleeping in a motel in Santa Barbara hearing the sound of a pen being clicked, over and over again. I was laying on my bed and heard the clicking sound repeat slowly on my right, and then as it came around my bed it began to speed up. As it approached where I was sleeping on the left of the bed, I began to hear a demonic voice, extolling the devil as this creatures lord. It then set my bed on fire, which was very traumatic, because I believed that I was awake. I awoke feeling quite afraid, and it took several moments for me to realize that it was only a dream. In that same setting I had a dream that I was walking through the streets of what felt to be Chicago, or any random big city. I had gotten off of an airplane, and I think I was waiting for a connecting flight, but decided to roam the city. While walking, I came upon a group of young kids, and had an altercation with them. They end up slitting my wrist, and as I woke up, I felt the loss of life flowing from my right wrist. This sensation lasted for a few moments.

I had a very long time dreaming about walking through school. It reminded me of Rice, or 7th grade. I leave the school, and walk across the street, and its like a parking lot converted into something, it reminds me of rome/greece. In side are a bunch of people sitting around intellectualizing. There are stairs going up to the wall and I try and walk (behind someone?) and I cant, everyone is sitting at the top of the stairs. I go into the main office because for some reason I think I could work there, and inside is a young woman who hurriedly says they have no jobs. (I tried to take off shades I had on TWICE and "missed" them, so that was weird), then I leave to another office and ask an older woman the same question and she gives the same answer, then elaborates that she hired him, because he knew some printing process. Then I leave, and go to a library, I think to get a book? Then some music comes on and a bunch of people start slow dancing, I keep sitting, fiddling with my shades and book bag, then leave, and before getting out, I think I forgot something? Then leave again. Scene switch, something about dating and marriage? Its like a helicopter chasing a car, on the freeway, and I see a guys face taking an interview.. he says "yea I have a wife, and kids", then I wake up to him saying "ITS A TRICK". There are two other people, in another room, Im on the stairs, the guy bought macdonalds and Im eating his burger.. it was good too, I was hungry IRL. :) It had bacon on it, and with like 2 bites left I noticed, and almost puked, and ate the bread and threw the rest away. Other important stuff, faded.
I wake up to go get food. I leave the house, and im walking up the street, and I look at the name of the building from my previous dream.. its "Acean Community" or "Aceon"?

Last night as I was going asleep for the umpteenth time I noticed that I had trouble moving .. and I would hear something on the side of the bed .. after a while I figured out where I was and decided to jump into a dream. Everything was black, but I could feel myself floating .. the next thing I knew I was in space (I didnt realize this until after I woke up) and I could see planets .. I eventually saw earth, and went there .. my level of lucidity was waining at this point. When I reached the ground I looked up and saw the moon .. the dream began to fade, as I thought of my sister, and wondered if I could talk to her; so I began calling her. Then I woke. So I'm in on the bottom floor, which leads out to the backyard.

Jake is there, and hes going to roll a joint, so I match him, with more than half of what I had. He says something about finally paying him back for the sack that me and Terry stole .. he was kind of mad. Then something happens; Andrei rolls the joint, and right as he goes to smoke it, some kid walks in from the backyard, around 10 or so, in a suit or wedding wear, and sits right next to Dre. We sit there for a minute or so waiting for the kid to leave; I think Dre just sparked it; next thing I know on the ground is 3/4th of the joint and I pick it up, and leave. I walk around the block to Hamilton Terrace, and when I get there I am surprised to see that they have demolished 75% of the houses back there. I'm walking up the street, and all of a sudden I see a Cycle Cop. I'm smoking a cig in my right, and a jay in my left. I just tried to look normal. Heh. He doesn't notice; but there are other motorcyclists behind him. After walking most of the way down the street, I look back, and it looks like the cop is going to turn around. After walking some more, I turn around, and he is gone. There are a bunch of motorcyclists now, all on harleys. I am walking behind this loud woman, and she is talking incessantly to this guy who doesn't seem to be listening .. I can't get by, so I walk behind them for several steps. When I can get through, I walk really fast, push off of the wall, and its almost like I'm skating. As I walk into the house, I'm listening to Last Emperor on headphones .. the backyard door is closed, and there is some other random guy inside, either making dinner or cleaning up. I ask him where everyone went, and he ignores me for several seconds, then starts singing the lyrics to the song that I had on my headphones. I remember that its a tape, so I run to the stereo to play it; but it never plays. The amp wasn't on. When I turn it on, I wake up, and hear the song, which I THINK was the same song that was in the dream -

I am a permanent traveler I am lost no one seems to notice that I am gone

April 1999: I enter a state of legal insanity January 2004: I begin writing for months, almost automatically, with non-stop inspiration November 2007: Finally getting some idea of what changed in 1999 I start interpreting my life in a totally different light

While meticulously maneuvering amongst unaccompanied metamorphosis Voices sad and strong sulk, in a space not far away Sounds subtly suggesting, you are not alone Emanate, originate From, requirements repeatedly presented And perversely propositioned. Rejected projections of fantasies perfected Prepare for permanent delusions Quietly concealing clarity If you should just, whisper thy name until death Before and after every breath.

you have to think about it. we have chosen worlds where we have most of the control, we think that we see a percentage of the possibilities but they are often hijacked by our own innate limitations .. when was the last time that you were part of a group and had a function/place/uniqueness? it has been a long time for me, but it has happened a few times, in some rainbow situations, but i never quite understand it, just bliss out.

theres lots more. somewhere. (i wrote that earlier, i dunno how your social life is actually.. like theres some universal 'social identity' that i carry with me everywhere thats almost like a separate entity, so im not alone) there is no best life there is the life that i live that is the life that i dream i could live there is the life that i can live there is the life that other people want me to live there is a life that i will look back on with satisfaction.. i dream .. (they are all separate, but since you never actually get there, you can tend to go towards either of these at varying times)

bow to everything

over the years it embeds itself deeper and deeper but ive seen through the veil i swear its blinding and shadowy all other times but ive seen it trusting people, communicating with them your needs and ideas, listening to them and being empathetic, these traits and abilities did not develop to full functionality, and this one thing can be responsible for so much.. bad decision making, poor judgment, lack of social awareness, one way roads and a slight disturbance has become more noticeable .. taking care of ones self is important, and when that is not done, when no motivation for improvement is focused on, and no goals seem possible, indeed making plans fails, and is never encouraged, the simplest thing of a warm place to sleep and shower and eat becomes the greatest of difficulties .. jail, predators, addictions, extreme anti-social behavior, befriending and following loosers out of desperation for company - what once was an imbalanced plan for the unfolding and developing of a character becomes an apparent nightmare of disorientation and disconnection .. unless its completely obvious that hospitalization or medication are necessary, most people who are "close" can have little positive impact, and appear to ignore one persons "self-imposed insanity" ... {plenty of sunshine, heading my way.} {articulation is creation.} {with words and rhythm}

No one knows where the time went, we know there was time and a passage of events, but what they actually were, are forever hidden, even to the sole participant .. Some word here and there, a refusal to accept any casual help or assistance, and it looks like a life of severe discomfort is acceptable. Damn I don't want to be living on the streets when I'm 50, from now, since I've been on my own {the home we chose, versus the one that we imagined} {the lonely end, i love you you're my only friend} I'm scared but I'm happy, because this all ends when something else better takes its place ... (luckily any irrational fear/anxiety can be reversed with patience) I can't get out of me. What are you up to? I dunno but I'm glad I can write to you, I've been writing a bunch of stuff, all over, but just fragments, and when I feel the ability to continue writing I relax into it .. Sometimes I think if I can just keep records here and there that maybe one day it will serve some purpose; like some treasure hunt across time and my thoughts and possessions that eventually adds up when the right protocol is implemented or a gadget is released ..

I'm on meds for the rest of my life so far thats what the diagnosis says, it controls my future perspective, but my meds arent working, I can't get anything of any decent quality in Bakersfield, all my friends have left Ojai, and I'm planning on going to NC, but its been really violent and volatile, my moods, immediately , its somewhat stable when im continuously around close people, but the *moment* i am on my own, or even the anticipation of soon being alone, this feeling hits, kind of like being in a train heading full speed for an obstruction .. in my chest, in my stomach. half of me is really sorry for sending you this stuff but I am also happy that I'm realizing what is really going on and need to reevaluate .. a whole lot of things .. i dont want to depress you or anything. i dont need any sympathy, i dont think theres much you can do but chat with me, not on any specific level, just, make sure we're both alive and not in immediate danger. OH By the way, The cat. The cat has passed, due to intimate interaction with high speed mechanics; this was two weeks ago Sunday. :\ The property is kind of like a cat transhighway, with the big field and all the various ways ... Also lost a bunch of money this month. And not even gambling. Grumble.

I'm happy to feel so bad, LOL. :) One thing I dislike about sending letters to people is you don't get to see the response to things, and they don't get to see your response when you pen; and in person the continuous stream necessary to indicate stimulation inhibits any logical ordering, at least, umm, well this is supplementing memory...

How have your dreams been?

(the problem with this letter is the perspective through which the thoughts were filtered)

Wish I could actually get so low I would never want to go back there again. Got some plans right now, as a matter of fact, for staying out of this place unless its needed (and, it does have uses, hun) I'm going to organize everything though. I'm trying to get a spreadsheet now. I've been listening to "Great Ideas of Psychology" from TTC, an entire days worth of speeches .. I'm on "Perception & Attention" right now. Vober and Fracket, Skinner, ... They seem to have figured out some way to get catatonic people to respond .. 50 years ago .. doesnt seem to have been used in practice though. no need, huh? I guess after listening to all of this I am convinced we don't know what the mind is consciously and it limits our potential. Cognition and memory and desire and perception are still up for articulation. My memory is broken! I cant complete thoughts sometimes! But I have access to them ... I've been trying to catalogue whats changed in my mind. Its really interesting to watch and scary to experience but might result in something .. Eating - plan a months eating, cost, meals, amounts of things Daily - Plan time out by the hour Sleep - sleep cycles, slightly later on -- ONE Thing I always forget! I can remember songs from when I was young. Today, I always have some song or rhythm playing. If I could arrange important things in song format, I could probably always remember them. So what are the important things? 7 Habits talks about a mission statement .. made of principles ...

Hey. Things are pretty down right now. But I know they run in cycles, they just seem .. oblong? Its been almost 2 years since I've been sober for any length of time. All of the thoughts that have passed through my head, the sensati1ons, the dreams and visions and fantasies .. There are all of these simulations for all types of things .. life, killing, racing, and you win all types of trinkets, but this is life, and there are so many things I've missed, of which I am only getting a hint at now .. I think somehow people get off track easily. You and I do it, we are so excited to be around each other and we don't know what to do with all of that energy .. There are lots of things we could talk about, psychological, family, things like that, but me, I have some .. communication dysfunction? I've had thoughts racing through my mind for quite some time now, directed to certain people, and when I step back from them they are hardly concerned with the other person at all .. its like I'm trying to explain my behavior, why I act the way I do, say the things I say, as some type of excuse, or to make sure there is an understanding in the relationship. So organizing and relating them in my own head is difficult if not impossible, then there is the added burden of having to communicate it also .. so I have not felt that I've effectively communicated with anyone over the course of my life, for any significant period of time. Figuring out who to communicate with about this sensitive subject has been hard too, really anything to do with thinking seems to just be .. messed up. No ones really noticed or cared though.

When I was 19 I had one psychedelic trip that changed how my mind worked. I didn't really notice it for few years .. I did start researching mental illness and then religion then, and have been reading about it constantly, though I am not as interested in mystical stuff now, I like more recent, scientific approaches. What this has to do with you is I think something I know might be able to help you .. and maybe even help me. The easiest way I can relate it is how *some* people drink and get really intoxicated but won't admit how drunk they are, or don't notice what has changed, up to the point of trying to drive home when a ride is available .. I think things in the mind change, some things rapidly, some slowly, and if we don't question these things we can be lead astray .. I think environment plays a big role in someones demeanor, and if they have no power over their environment, or at least their perception of their environment, they can feel helpless and it shows up in everything they do. I think thought patterns can be responsible for success and dysfunction, which is why it seems psychotherapy can take so long, trying to rewrite certain associations that we've made up. Speaking of therapists, have you found any that you've liked and been with for a while? I need to do that, but I've been to a handful and not found being in their environment conducive to getting me to talk about things I don't think of normally or can't come to conclusions about ..

I don't want to live alone so I'm moving to Charlotte, at least my grandmother can check up on me every couple weeks, I can go pick her up or something. I think I could make friends if I got into some programs or classes or clubs, but I guess I'm kind of reacting to how I think I will be in the future: want to hole up in a room with some food and the internet and come out once every few months.. that seems to be a pattern in my life so is it smart to assume I'll do it if I get a place now? Anyway remember when I first met you? We were in brooklyn somewhere having dinner and I remember saying "I wanted to take over the world" and you were giggling. I still have those urges but its more concrete now; like if I could learn how to program and condition myself I could do a few things that would allow me to change my life and regulate it ..

An Introduction To Your Knew Capabilities

The physical universe is a shadow, a reflection, or an abstraction, from true reality.

This is currently being discovered by rational science, which will begin to analyze historical belief systems with methods more symbolic and less dogmatic. It will also begin to treat the mind as an intangible object, not bound to the same restrictions as in the physical universe. In the symbol of Yin and Yang balance between energies is depicted. What are these opposing energies? Where did they come from? Most importantly, what keeps them in balance? Through a filter of the knowledge of perceptual, intellectual, geographical, cultural, and societal differences, all myth is seen to have the same symbols, forms, and archetypes. The quantum Theory section of rational science is finally getting technologically advanced enough to determine that inside of atoms exists electrons and protons. These are in turn composed of particles, which also take the form of waves, and empty space. The most relevant development is that particles do not create more particles, the particles ever existing are simply rearranged in infinite patterns of perfection. This dance of forms seems to itself be formless and timeless, beyond physical nature.

Unlimited Appreciation

you have an unlimited appreciation for the beyond. your eyes see in two worlds, and it may cause improper reflections. a mirror of unequaled quality, seeing your own self is a virtue to be later decided upon. to find that which is secret, you must sit in seclusion and solitude, praying internally. you have found it, and it has found you. though you did not ask, you were asked to perform the tasks of ancient souls still screaming. these souls would have passed on to other forms but for you, having not yet completed your task here. an unending search, a road unpaved, names first called and then forgotten, metaforests cut down and replaced with spaces of lesser value, to be regrown again in record time, for the source was the source and the result was the result, and only some knew this simple truth; you, you knew, and you carried electrical charges in your finger tips, grasped fire without flinching, looked into the sun and saw through it, stared it down, offered it a challenge. and just when you thought you could trust someone ... well, you would trust anyone. when words were mistaken for the things they were pointing at; when seeds were mistaken for that which they sew, when the eternal love was mistaken for just love, when that which was granted was taken for granted, then everyone was in confusion. in confusion you performed very well, carried broken compasses for their direction-giving energy, turned pens upside down and began to write in the light, walked in darkness with only your voice to guide you, you would run away from nothing healing, you would destroy all evil, you would know when it was time, when you could hold it not any longer, for longing for the unreal was the greatest gift of man-kind, for those who would become more than human.

those who were blind would say that you were the most beautiful thing that they had ever seen. those who were deaf could hear your melodies, even in their dreams. those who had loved and lost knew that you were love itself, and those who had everything wanted just you to complete their collection. you were as simple as breath, as simple as walking, and you made even those things most sacred again. being alone was for you, for you were a universe in and of yourself. a species in itself you were so inspired that you could not read anything. you had written on everything so you just held it in hoping to explode at the right time and relieve the right minds of their selfcreated misery. you ate smiles and hugs and random flowers picked from the forest, drank air and loved the smell and taste. you watched the movie of life from the highest seat and wished to applaud everyone who acted in it. and you praised its creators. without you, you would be without me, and without each other, we would not be. we were inside of each other, not without, and without reconciling this, we would waunder forever .. one mode of mind was thought, and one thought was me, and there were thoughts that thought could not see, and places that thought would not go, for it was afraid of seeing it own selfless soul, its own nonexistence .... you would not know what day it was, you would dance and pray and sing and meditate regardless, for these things had no schedules a way to describe the nothingness

there were things that your words couldn't describe, things that your mind couldn't grasp, yet you still knew them. in dreams, you were ten feet tall, with many arms, two heads, and an army of the righteous dead. they would follow your leadership because you had fought your way through many hells and created many heavens from the slightest twists of your wrists.

you knew. and you never forgot.

who am i talking to

where is this going why do you ask? what do you mean are you serious? i cant fill in the blanks the lines are too close together but theres beauty in that chaos that you have no really its confusing even to the master the prophet just worked through it the moon was trying to catch the sun they just worked through it i didn't see when it happened but i heard deafened by the silence don't say a word and it'll never escape like it was meant to be

nothing in the whole world was true everywhere was the same everyone with the same face a shadow larger than themselves never ever seen so bright then unrecognizable the standard. cookie cutter building blocks mazes with signs games with no rules rules turned into games a new jesus every minute same horns, same lights Same response irresponsible. matter no mind attend to the sin settled life unsettling leading when lost

falling asleep .. sleepy .. so heavy .. lets forget and do it again another day in another way, with another script never awake when i'm in the city. the added layers so burdensome the bubble pops so simple no mouth with which to speak no hands with which to write no ears with which to hear but eyes with which to see

exploring the idea of love realizing the endless search for love all of the time synergy, beauty, harmony seeing what was sought missing what was not wishing for what was forgotten believing in it all a weird introduction (to the world) lets burn the place down and get on a roller coaster to no-where.. ..

the map to the universe was on a tiny flash card that was lost. the source code to creation was included. ..
information is free, knowledge is how information is understood, wisdom is how information is applied. the myriads of hierarchies and inter-dependent sets of relations and similarities makes all of the difference. success is a secret stumbled upon by some, passed on by few. beauty is self knowledge, insanity is knowing reality, reality is unknown up to this point. ..
there is blackness

which no human can deny inside of a mind so dark behind the eye of seeing inside of every being unknown for its wealth its beauty which does not shine can not move has no equivalent in the mirror does not separate in the prism can learn no more and tells no secrets everywhere and nowhere the spark of death the breath of life immeasurable and limitless we count and multiply from this resource it seeming granted all seeming united and gravity provided for those desperate souls that wandered careless into its embrace disfigured and nearly departed scream its horrors .....

for every memory forgotten and modified for every time you've caught yourself in a lie for every hundred death bed wishes and self led kisses every moment promised and confidently guided by every treasure imagined and every life time spent searching for every map and guide sold and given promising truth the all the answer the end somewhere else some other time before in a little bit over and over again it still remained black and unchanged unknown and unchanged sacrifice the doom the dread

the worry the fear the unknown is beautiful the kind of beauty you can't see that you just know high in the tops of trees on deserted islands formed from heat and matter confused in space each fighting for permanence draws a twinkle in the sun light a strand of the place a spider will call home and rest for the night a web of deceit and a trap for the weak the food for the week petty flies and little lies a place for no one to hide forever to find in pleasure for the breeze blew in calm weather a high altitude with a great view all for the many eyes of the spider that drew two, four, hes got six, more than you!

but on the horizon was the mind

and focused solely on the next fly in the twine was I for there is darkness that no human can deny that with a thousand eyes could not be seen on a thousand screens from ten thousand cameras could not be proven with a million computers could not be computed gauging on every certain possibility and bridging the gaps between the real and the surreal the known and the unknown the true and the untrue

i oversaw the administration of your pain while you were afraid of the devil i hid in the shadows i made the decisions i even decided on what you liked and didn't like when you needed to go i took you there a destination of my choice i created the fear out of nothing out of the insects that buzzed around you out of the dust that itched your skin out of your own insecurities and self observations

i then presented these fears as someone elses, so you were confused. yes i've taken you on a wild journey, and i've asked for nothing in return, only your tears. your struggle was my success, how i progenerated. i loved to watch you run in circles, then offer you a route out, right into a dead end, or into another maze. i profited off of your pain. i held the keys to your personal prison and dangled them in front of your nose.

In the Horizon was Destiny

Seen and felt with the urge overwhelming. Unity! Absolute truth without logical comparison, truth shown in less than two movements, building from the swift action of a connection and consolidation of high principles ... It was seen previously only through clouded eyes, but on this day the sun parted the skys, and for a time with certain measurements it shone its glory to each and every part of the world. As if an intergalactic hand reached out and individually coddled each creation, each cell, each body. In this light was life, and through these eyes life was everything. There had been no measurement other than the changing of the tides, the waxing of the moon, the shifting of the planets. It was a timeless message, an infinite matrix of information with an ever increasing depth that was proportional to the viewers perspective. In other words, it was a holographic puzzle. Each vibration, each rhythm, each different signal was a variation and intermuxing - of the source -

the love of life, the miracle in which we all reside. Science, allowing for a universe, and a galaxy, would then have to allow for each element of those entities to be themselves their own universes, and galaxies ..... Each time an eye was applied an emergence was contrived, in the physical but the mental was the same, a place, a vibration, a signature. Duplications and erroneous interpretations, all now a part of the stream. All coordinated by simple systems of feedback and response, projection and angle. Very simple. Attaining to an image of perfection, fixating on a method of interpreting all of these radar signals, these pings and pongs, was nonetheless a task entertained by countless mortals, with a multitude of investments and returns, all influenced and .. time marked by their current culture. Here is one interpretation.

A Significant Series of Events

connected with signs so evident

spirits are roaming interfering with what you're hearing a recurring delusion that i've been preparing is in the faint green hallucination that we've all been sharing with the inspiration companionship sought out of desperation while anticipating the moment of separation a dance between young yins and yangs real needs and lifes pangs the scorpion rising stings the full moon rising till it wains a cycle surprising but at the same time ingrained forgotten and then remembered in a ritual of rain with pain and perfection our life is created again eternal power at the highest hour set to tick at the point when the suns devoured naturally, chemically, ancestrally, astrally modified to succeed ..

but a simple warning exquisite riches await the conqueror of this deed of ominous origin souls from the east to the west compete in this ... conquest of the mind to take ones own self captive gagged and tied up in a closet kept passive released in case of natural disaster

dial 7 star pound it'll connect you with the master also try divinesecrets.com.fr googling for this info will take you far the president isnt the only star of limited magnitude, partial absolute fatefully intricately interwoven gratefully I have chosen to end the suffering singing psalms of praise to the intimate beauty surrounding magic and tricks

magic is composed of tricks which are revealed through love and appreciation of the desired object. Dreams dreams are the ancestors to reality. Life life is made up of magic and dreams. It is as if you were to live in perpetual stillness; amazement and wonder and splendor; were the norm. Life was full.
Strolling through the forests of forgetfulness one day, A large bird emerged from clouds of carelessness.

He proclaimed himself the creator.

That day, the dictator necessity proclaimed to me the ultimatum. The negotiations went smoothly, and I got everything that I needed out of the deal. The situation then appeared to me to be much clearer than I had anticipated. The situation was as thus: I would descend upon my own self, creating as I needed form upon form upon form, to satisfy my yearnings for masterful mimicking of my one true love. These forms would appear separate from me, yet intrinsically point toward the own ultimate origin of all manifestations. The cause of my yearnings was the the reason for the descent which was the cause of my yearnings. Simply put. Always feeling alone, but always in company, these were the mind sets we chose. Always seeking more external fulfillment. After some time wandering amongst ones own creations, absent this fundamental knowledge, rebuilding ones self became the obvious task. Upon estimate, half of the life-time would be spent wandering outward, and half would be spent tracing ones tracks.

As I was given all that I would need from the most beautiful form ever, I simply had to constantly remind my self of my position in this place, and my pact to further my purpose.

Switching Sustenance

"Its not sick thoughts now; its strong thoughts. Thoughts that are so strong, that you just have to talk.

"You look for it, and its not there.

You can't really thing to yourself; you end up talking

You stop looking for it, and its everywhere. This is a concept that must be studied."

out loud a lot. Its not such a bad thing; however if you have no degree to decide which thoughts should come out and which thoughts should not, that creates imbalance."

"Each human may represent an entire Universe; This Universe is special in that, it is a hub of Universes. Each person walks around, and has their own different upbringing and experience. "I don't necessarily have to live in Ojai; I could always work towards this, and start by living in a [safe] place in Ventura."

The job is to be able to communicate that, and to live in a place where there are other people, from other places, and they may not be able to communicate that."

"You don't always have to attach to thoughts; they are not the most important thing. If you put a lot of energy into your thoughts, for instance, are highly aware of them, to the extent of forgetting about breathing or seeing, one way to reverse this is to pay attention to things like your body, or your breathing."

"Women are supreme. Amongst themselves, they could probably, eventually, be able to live on their own. Men need women; women need men, but women could possibly evolve to only needing themselves. "People need role models. Not random bull, telling people this, that, and the other, and showing them, on a regular basis, this is how it is done, are completely different things."

It wouldn't be balanced system as we know it; All that women need in order to further their race is some small chemical; Men only provide that chemical." "The most satisfying action is doing your duty first."

"I've always known that there is no chance, there is no luck; There is grace, and there is allowance. Things run out."

"But thats the thing, you can not thing, and the right conversation can be had, or you can not thing, and say the completely wrong thing. Thats chance. I want

"There is:

to be able to focus my energy and think. Its not like I'm going to become a

What else can I do?? What else here is to be done? What here needs to be one?"

perfectionist, I will need to start working toward this."

"I want to be able to keep my mind on what I'm doing, and only that, I figure that this is how you stop time."

"It's good you're moving so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction." "Hey Terry, theres more to life than coming in first. And theres more to life than winning. "Purpose perfection; made for completion, and negative thought deletion." Memory, organization, being completely right, incontestably, those things are more important than simply winning." The Mechanics of an Old Mans Mind "Attaching to ideas, slows down your rotation rate. "I've been thinking a whole lot. I don't think its so good; I think I'm moving into a new person, but I am also an old person; I still have bursts of energy that come from nowhere, and get past my radar, and start running around like, man, what the heck am I doing? I could hurt my self. Just take it easy, and watch this energy accumulate, instead of dissipate." "What would an old man do? I don't think that old men take chances; I think that old men take care. I'm not speaking of the old man who has somehow managed to smoke cigarettes his entire life and keep his lungs; I'm speaking of the old men who actually took care of themselves; "Right now I don't seem to have to think about what I'm doing, in certain terms, maybe its not thought that is guiding me, maybe I am beyond thought .." and are still able to expend energy when they need it, but they usually dont need to. Theres no rush, they've found." Imagine just being able to spin, gyrate, at high speed, but you're not really moving, in any direction."

"I know that the old man likes to do things the right way, once, and he likes to save his energy, because he knows that the end of the race is where it will come in handy."

Smoked a bit of tobacco today, but then that would be the last of it that is in this house, so hopefully that won't happen again .. I did this as I was staring at some old writing, and remembering my vigor in editing it to make it right

(soulseek3) "I'm looking at my cat, and thinking, you use a lot of energy too! You're going to be an old cat one day, you should start acting like it." In any case, I've been sleeping a little better, and I had a dream for the first time "I think it would make good sense to say you ARE an old man, so start acting like it." I think it was about pot, and someone I used to go to school with in the 80's .. "In regards to the entire cat-with-worms analogy, I think that the mind would be the parasite." It would be very funny if occasional pot would keep me normal, but I tend to CUT always over do it, besides the fact that once my mind changes, my sleeping is different, and I wake up feeling odd, and eventually the way to fix that comes out to be more chemicals .. Most of my (sober) dreams are about my life before I was 14. in days upon days ... then thinking 'man, this just needs to be rewritten ... sigh ..'.

Ok, so todays monday, got my glasses and contacts, now all is left is to take my cat to the vet .. also to find a place to live in the next several days ..

I've had to move very slow recently, as my balance is a off, actually quite a My chemicals are balancing out now, but I still feel tempted to go back to my old self, I feel that there should be some reward for me trying to fly so straight, but as it is all I can do is look at all of the [!] beautiful women, and all of the other friendly people, I don't seem to be able to approach anyone out of place .. bit off, so I havn't been walking very much, my bike is my very best friend ..

I remember these events occurring before -- the sudden sobriety, followed by the change in daily habits and acquaintances. Some people that I never see while I'm stoned, or at least, are never approached by, I see when I

Yo. My name is Chad. And I'm a self certified schizophrenic. I used to think I was Jesus, until I read more of the bible

am sober. I am able to converse with them -- the problem is that even now I have serious happy dog syndrome; I can walk around very slowly, not react to, e.g., whistles, car honks, and yells that aren't right in front of me, but upon talking to certain people I get so excited and forget about this .. I think I just need to be around the right people, which seems to be impossible.

and found out who I really was. I had no interest in the great unknown up to a certain point in my life when many things about my self began to change. I always knew I was different somehow, but the problem is that any people die before they figure out exactly what is wrong. I've been to physical doctors & mental doctors, and the first can find nothing wrong, when I FEEL that there is something wrong with my body, while the latter tells me of an unclear diagnosis, and an unclear cure, but with certainty, "we have the pills you need". They basically experiment on weak human minds, and get paid quite well, for something they have never tried themselves. How this is any different from my tests in the 60's and the drug dealers who amassed amazing wealth from it, I am not sure. What I am sure of is that free will is not what it has been written out to be. As an urban nomad I will keep on moving until I find my home in the sky. I will heal my self through my art, and no one will ever take it from me.

In any case I can clearly remember most of the last time this happened; it was after 'The Annointment'. Most of that stuff is probably unpublished; but it was when I began writing again. I will remember to routinely publish material now; however I'm not sure how to distinguish between private material and public material.

Heh, I've been pondering cutting my hair. Its the only permanent thing I have; I am not into tattoos, jewelry, or piercings, but my hair is always there. It grows back, this hair happens to be five or more years old. Just a thought; everyone knows me as the rasta kid or whatever, which I'm not quite into, dreads are far older than Jah Rastafari kids ... [India]

An active definition of schizophrenia mystics, psychedelics, dreams, death - all that.

What do I mean?

So I'm going to go for a walk, to the liebury. I can't read very easily, its highly exciting, but I can jump around ...

I identify with schizophrenia because it seems to be a very broad definition for any type of mental illness that is severely debilitating and not yet identified. Originally I began using this word with this post to alt.support.schizophrenia. I also composed this publication which I distributed in a limited number.
I have never been diagnosed, but after doing a few years of research on spirituality of all kinds, I was lead to mental health and social issues.

Continual Advancement of Human Potential

I have mainly to say that I believe that there may be a possibility of a great disservice being done to inhabitants of european-based societies, which handle mental problems as Breaking free of ever changing karma, version 1.1 illness and treat them scientifically and medically. "You Can't Imagine It Unless You've Been There" Personally, I can look back and see a lot of issues that can be associated with mental illness, and sometimes schizophrenia. keywords: advanced energy, animism, apocalypse, awareness, betrayed, But recently, I have been lead to form my current ideas. black magic, camera, cms, consciousness, crazy, dervish, dream, Due to media and a lack of, changing diets, changing sleeping enculturation, enlightenment, evolution, existence, explanations, fakir, fast, habits and dreaming patterns, radically changing moods with more freemason, hermes, hip hop, homeless, html, illogical, immaterial, immortal, and more extreme ups and downs, ever increasing 'tricks on my japh, krs one, kundalini, last emperor, light, mystics, newspaper, nomad, senses' being played, and very odd coincidences, I have been perl, prophet, psychology, schizophrenia, schizophrenic, science, self-diagnosed as being called by god. shamanism, sociology, sufi, super-natural, sz, terbospeed, the builders, the islanders, the masters, the near ones, theology, the people of truth, totality, (The latter two conditions are termed 'hallucinations' and transcendence, transcendent, truth, unlimited, virtual, voodoo, weblog, yoga 'synchronicity' in the west). I have been lead to leave this society, to go to India or Africa, The nature of schizophrenia, and other forms of psychosis, is still under debate or South America . . . where they treat supposedly mentally ill and a significant issue is the relationship between psychosis and the mystical, or people with religious respect, and heal them accordingly. religious, experience. My story may come soon, I have intermittent internet access at best, but I've been writing a lot, consciousness stream type stuff with some focus, about my experiences. I am at the point of needing serious help, which is hard because my family is just not there for me. "The phenomenology (imagery, cognitions) of the I am highly skilled in computers and technology of all sorts, but psychotic condition shares many characteristics currently am debating to go to the shelter where i wont get very dream experiences (Hall,1977), good sleep due to the noise, or ruff it and find a nice secluded with place with my blanket. hallucinogenic drug trips (Kleinman et al,1977), But I dont believe this has to be the way. I see way too many spiritual awakenings (Assigioli, 1981), near death beautiful people on the streets, half in and half out of reality, experiences (Grof & Grof,1980) and shamanic or unable to fit in to society in terms of wanting a job, car, and house with 2.5 kids ... experiences (Halifax, 1979). I do believe that these people can be helped, including you, and I, to lead infinitely better lives, [on the high end of the bell curve 5 Deikman, an academic medical researcher, for human happiness]. proposes that mystic experience is a psychological I do know that it is hard to convey spirituality and metaphysics phenomenon that largely has been ignored by to others sometimes, but I am near to the point where I hope to contemporary scientists. This situation is see it made real. Not just theories and thoughts and deep conversations. If this happens, trust me, understandable. Scientists have waged a long battle you will be the first to know. and all souls made the journey home
safely...

to obtain freedom from religious control,

and mystical experiences are usually described within a religious idiom. It is natural that things mystical should be suspect and categorized as part of organized religion. In addition, the content and form of some types of mystical experience seem to give clear evidence of psychopathology. For this reason, the scientist may be tempted to dismiss all such reports as some type of hysteria or madness. Jung's trailblazing approach to schizophrenia as healing process has since been brought to fruition by a growing number of mythologists, anthropologists, psychiatrists, psychologists, artists, and visionaries whose investigations into non-ordinary states of consciousness make it quite

clear that there is a kind of inner Apocalypse which some human beings may sometimes have to undergo in order resolve the crises which naturally occur along the path of life. 6 mishlove: Now, the experience that is called kundalini, this change in the brain -- if one were in a culture such as the Hindu culture or other comparable cultures, if the person had this experience and communicated it to other people, it would be identified in this spiritual context -- "Oh yes, it's kundalini." And the person would be treated within that social framework. In our culture, when a person typically has the same experience -- and I gather you've worked with people who have had it spontaneously, or people who have been meditating and all of a sudden had it -- what happens? 7 We shall consider also certain aspects so entirely new that until recently very few, if any, of the modern-day psychologists were even aware of them. In the West, knowledge of the human mind has been acquired by what is known as the 'scientific method'. It has been more or less an inductive approach. The students have sought to study the behavior of individuals, and from their behavior, to infer certain facts relating to the mind, and then generalize it all. They proceeded from "outside to inside" as it were. In the East, the investigations have been on a different line altogether. Their method has been the method of intuition, and their approach has proceeded from "inside to outside". Their method, though inductive in nature, has been proved through the test of time to be beyond error, because their first premise was infallible - based as it was upon intuition. 8 A Kundalini release can be triggered by wrong done meditation, yoga, breathing exercises, reiki, qigong, healing, tantra, transcendental meditation and other eastern or new age spiritual exercises. 9 The responsibility of this ``evolution'' was vested in those individuals who could sustain it. These were necessarily only a few, because for the mass of the people the effort of keeping both sets of knowledge in their consciousness was virtually impossible. One of them seemed to conflict with the other. Certain specialists guarded the ``special science''. 10 The mystics say thus: Humankind arrives as billions of seeds filled with hope; in the end, almost all die as manure for others. A sterile grounding in tradition will preserve their hard shells of hope and dreaming from ever being shattered. 11 Now, let us turn our attention to how the individual acquires culture and interactively, through experience, molds it into his/her worldview. This process is referred to by cultural anthropologists s enculturation, and its is every society's primary function. Enculturation is basically a conditioning and reinforcing process, which includes the sanctions employed to enforce it; it is the means through which each individual can learn to survive in that society. Enculturation is accomplished through a variety of agents and agencies of the society, beginning with the mother or mother-surrogate and expanding to the whole family, however constituted. This is continued by other agencies, such as the neighborhood, peers, school, employer, social, religious, military, and political organizations; as well as other sub-societies, such as clubs and various associations. Every society employs such agencies or their counterparts and uses sanctions of varying severity to condition and reinforce the enculturation in its individual members. 12 Now what are the inherent difficulties when we move into the regime of free will? The biggest one is, WHAT IS IT. When faced with a decision where free will might come into play, our head goes about the task of weighing the various possibilities, projecting what will happen in the future, and making a decision. Does not seem to be any free will in there, just a series of logical steps. We might get closer to invoking our ability of free will if we force ourselves to come up with a word that is unrelated to anything that happened to us in the last week. But then again, we will start rifling through our word database until we get one, and presumably this happens in a logical way too. How about this: let your mind wander. Try it

and it feels like your free will is guiding you through a strange world. Or does it feel like YOU are mainly OBSERVING your mind follow a crazy path. What is actually happening in all these cases is part of what makes philosophers pull their hair out. But let us say YOU can guide the path of your thoughts. How is this possible, and what does it mean. 13 The combined population of American Homeless people can be thought of as a homeless state. As of right now, they are a small, nomadic tribe living within the territorial borders of the United States. The homeless population has the potential to triple quickly within the 21st Century. It is very likely that this will occur. 14 "...the World Health Organization (WHO) has repeatedly found that long-term schizophrenia outcomes are much worse in the USA and other 'developed' countries than in poor ones such as India and Nigeria, where relatively few patients are on anti-psychotic medications. In 'undeveloped' countries, nearly two-thirds of schizophrenia patients are doing fairly well five years after initial diagnosis; about 40% have basically recovered. But in the USA and other developed countries, most patients become chronically ill. The outcome differences are so marked that WHO concluded that living in a developed country is a 'strong predictor' that a patient never will fully recover." 15 The image of Apocalypse has roots which go back through science, religion and mythology to the archaic depths of the collective unconscious. Beneath the surface of the psyche, it haunts many of our underlying assumptions, expectations and beliefs about the nature of the world we live in. It casts a shadow which may seem trivial at the individual level, but which looms large on the time-horizon of the future when taken as a whole As we humans destroy the rain forests, damage the ozone shield, change the climate, annihilate thousands of our fellow species, increase our own population, and deplete the fuel, topsoil and water that we need for our own survival, many people fear that sooner or later we shall face a global catastrophe. Apocalypse can be interpreted literally - as a historical prediction of the end of the world. It can also be understood as a mythological metaphor - a symbol of the death and rebirth of the ego in the process of personal transformation.

even if you don't believe in god

I can see many possibilities in the future regarding my mind set if something positive is not done to counteract the natural course of things. I my self have what is labeled mood swings, or manic depression, or bi-polar (what will it be next year?) but what that fails to convey are the heights and depths that I actually reach on a long-term basis. Several years ago after my first experimentation with psychedelics I began to receive grandiose ideas - delusions, I thought.

Prior to that point in my life I had no idea what the definition of delusion was; then all of a sudden I did. [delusion: an idea that does not fit into the norm of society] I began to use more and more of my intelligence, feverishly researching religion, and eventually being led to believe that I was in need of medical attention; which has happened but not been satisfactory or very effective. I refuse the medicine, for so many reasons that it might just be another mistake. I'm not up for taking chances any more, except for under desperation.

Besides the general attitude of a doctor to be to add things instead of figuring out what to subtract .. I live in an area with a lot of people who are mentally ill, addicted, controlled by their anger or emotions . . I see a lot of people around me who seem to suffer from problems similar to my own. In my highest states any problems that exist are infinitesimal. It is [still] my contention that this is true; maintaining the state is not the objective; the objective is to figure out why I believe that is true, and to put it to the test. These experiences know when they are being watched -- the best stuff has a habit, which is rarely broken, of evading any form of capture, to the point of breaking free. Think lost data in the gigabytes. I am out to heal my self, the only person who cares. Once this is done I think I will have a position in this world that is not yet being fulfilled -- at least to the extent that I see the necessity -- that of healing people with malfunctioning brains, minds, bodies, and souls. I think the schizophrenics and homeless will be my first clientele. So I write this in hopes that someone who has had similar experiences will find it. And share what knowledge they have, what tools they have used to move on.

I believe in you
in the company of shadows i wrap my mind in the darkness and use it to see magically have a vision prepared for the course it might be split in eights

though blind through time through rhyme rhetoric factions and fiction divisions and contradictions invisible elements of undetectable irrelevance leaping over my imagination eluding me as im awake walking through the city buildings beaming down on me reflected from the sun a holographic tragedy a mirror on the wall with a picture of your majesty surrounded by her pawns its an image that youre glad to see

but you can't count on your loss what a waste the time it took to build on such a cross the place that you've defined is the place that i am lost in the company of shadows i wrap my mind in the darkness it use it to see try and combine visually dual nature contradiction division subtraction taking all the energy from my soul its a distraction and use it to see starin at the kit perpetually professionally ...

in the company of shadows i trapped my mind in the basement its confusin me and takin first placement so i stand adjacent reflecting detecting correcting

strange mirrors.

strange mirrors, golden shadows

place my eyes upon the window watch the clouds swell up with rain and catch the drops as a memento haven't been to sleep by god its been about a dozen years and its the only thing that stops this song from playing in my ears my hands were full of fears but now i've massaged out this feeling mostly holding on to ancient ways has got me seeing awfully ghostly the scent of nothing left i watched the scene where she leaves, then rewind in a dark room with a creaky chair, as chills pulse through my spine with sight provided by the moon

an ambiance of azure lighting silhouettes that form the mood from figures in the background fighting souls with subtle leaks as essence drips from them it matters, slowly closer than their life allowed to death and all things described holy fragment it in peace i swear to yell the proof with no admission provide sonar for those spirits whose rights have now come up missing if theres troubles there then multiply it and you have my pain but remember the laughter after these words have been called upon again

fast forward to now.

strange mirrors.
we measured the speed not by velocity

but by the absence of movement, amongst other anomalies stationary objects in focus with blur stating only the obvious: shifting shadows lights going off, tracked, how we spotted em Barely peripheral and changing patterns known by their accomplices standing one by one behind each other telling time for the audience personal and intimate the display was applauded as it conformed to ISO 9666: a standard party trick doubled in intensity by the prism exponentially mirrored in holographic bouncing bits collected and reflected upon then navigated to the resting spot we took custody of the secrets left in plain sight then ran to count and added it was incredible math as we reverse engineered their wrath

all the while stumbling and laughing because the method through which we gained access was by an unpublished exploit fresh to your mind but old in the circles we ran into i tell you, i split in two the hilarity was overwhelming and discredited any positivity in their control see you dont always need a compass to tell which way ya goes . . . So i was lost again the dog was dead and buried so i had to defend myself from these crossing winds six miles north i could smell the rotting scent of a lifestyle named something or other where you treated everyone as your brother no sleep but coughing fits stock traded by homeless real estate agents i could almost feel vagrant if it wasnt for this fire and memories of my mother

no matter the parallax some things never changed so i lit my arrows and went out hunting might die in ignorance but never in self defense breaking the chain was my first offense and the absence of comfort, my only sins . . . and the absence of comfort, my only sins . . . See? Its right there in front of you! I would say as I kept walking And the ground breaking sialence kept me aware as in the background some random idiot was talking And his owned voice was mine [His voice was my own] Onward and stronger then every step became monument as I crept close to a home that was labeled anonymous The talking horse had passed and was burred to He said this road we walked Of course it was inevitable And lack of expansion until that moment was highly negligible

Anything but illegible Id never thought to hear such wisdom from a mammal with so many appendages Quick before it diminishes Turn around and spin with it Dont sit with it Express the eminent unlimited

life unlimited
this body has been fighting to be free from its minds mind for ages on end.

body kept telling the minds I that it was doing wrong, that it was causing more stress than was needed, and that things could be done effortlessly. it knew of the illusory value of reality and the value placed on this place that wouldn't exist no matter how much you believed, reality being a creation of thought, obviously out of necessity but used beyond its means. but what of survival? what of communication? the minds I had to know. Was it going to live forever? it asserted that it would. it saw things that it had experienced and cried for more of the same, these desires which would definitely give it life unlimited. the wise old creation of genetic combination knew better. it allowed it all to happen, as its only concern was ... well. it had no concerns. our striving was quelled by simple food and water and shelter. all of the extra complications were useful only for infinite recreation, and how that started, only body knew. not being limited by the constraints of thought the things thought wished to know were embedded and followed naturally. there was no question of purpose or origins in this system. there was nothing to understand, nothing to do, all happened without pause. under usual circumstances the self-centric view of the world was tolerable for most, though some did have global perspectives. star systems and galaxies afar sending information and life in light for the purposes of expanding and changing in parallel over the course of forever. a human would only wish to know such things. but the truth would kill them. the body only decaying it knew nothing of death, and thought only contained the fear of death, but would never experience it. some would profit from the fear, and some would profit from the hope.

the earth had no concerns of ending, it had obviously been there forever, knowing nothing of time, and all human concerns of the earth being in danger were actually concerns for humanity itself. the earth had no need for humans and would create them again if it saw fit. nature being the only truly creative entity in existence. self-consciousness took its tolls. being, the creation of pain and pleasure, the creation of time, the creation of past and future, the creation of stress in the body.

a conversation with a humble human "Who are you?" was asked, to be responded to by "A child of the cosmos." "What are you?" was asked, to be responded to by "A being of the light." "Where are you?" was asked, to be responded to by "In the infinite now."

what do you love to do but laugh? i love to work, and when i can laugh while working, that is the best don't force it to go, just let it grow naturally, with happiness

like the wind that shapes the mountains like the rains that shape the rivers like the sun that grows the plants like the earth that holds us all

On Friday, December 31st, 2004, in the time of Capricorn, counts of voluntary man-slaughter, involuntary man-slaughter, and possession of a schedule 1 controlled substance were brought against a music group in an otherwise quiet southern california valley town.

Local wild life control also apprehended several suspects in a ferret breeding ring.

The two teens were apprehended in the Arcade section, in possession of several varieties of lysergic diethlymine acid #25, or Lance Sydney Dance, as it is commonly known on the streets. ``Young kids begin to ululate in foreign tongues after taking this drug'' said Captain Arnold Lipschitz, head of the Harmflu Drugs and Suspicious Religious or Psychic Activity [HDSRPA] Task force, on Friday.

5:30 AM 1/8/2008 I started to hallucinate around 4 o'clock. I wasn't sure if it was the drugs I was supposed to be taking, or the current regime which I was ingesting for recreational purposes. In either case it was an unexpected surprise. Growing weary of each impending epiphany, the increase in statements that evoke responses of smiles and nods, questioning the choice to live .. The road up was always uncomfortable, and the road down always hurt. For a moment you would float, and thats all that it was for. I've had maybe a thousand important things on my mind, for some time, and a weak urge to organize and share them .. Well, that was yesterday. 8:51 PM 1/8/2008 Today, I feel at a loss for words when they are required, and have an abundance of them when only the walls will listen ..
"Who are they talking to on their tiny phones?" 1.65

To various people, at various times, actions and consequences are overlooked, opportunities ignored, attention misdirected.

Not even reading this stuff later .. I wonder why I write it .. These thoughts won't complete or emerge just stay beneath the surface and torment me .. I want to do something, really want to have done something, focused .. I don't want to sit around stimulated and imagining I'm spending my time doing something that will exist after the experience is over, I want to create things, change things, learn everything .. What is there to wrap my mind around? What is this doom that feels near? This obvious mistake that keeps getting made, on the tip of my tongue when I am talking to my self, what the fuck .. Well, I've already set the tone, so I don't know what I'm supposed to say, the thoughts that strike so hard I stare into space for a moment to complete them withstanding .. Theres got to be a way to rewrite this entire thing. With a key. All of these thoughts. How they are expressed. How I relate to the randomness that has become my perceptual generator. I know that I should create a list of things to write about in order to get some complete subject matter .. the problems of tomorrow will be exponentially more difficult to solve than the problems of yesterday therefor we should not attempt to solve these new problems within the constraints of the old knowledge but with special attention to possibility and harmony

Cast from a mind Pushed ahead by pain, if only by seeking pleasure Its, I against I, and only, one will survive and as a countermeasure. Sitting locked in my room Making magic that only I will consume A visual vacuum Weather or not the right road I take a detour And know that as often as I've done it That it just won't work like, before. So how do these words come together? A Significant Series of Events Auspicious Coincidences and past presents Presented in post-mortem distortion A mental contortion made common (Terry) An erosion of the brain, its insane, I can feel the pain

please remember that articulation is creation with words and with rhythm you can have whatever you want as long as you give them one hundred fifty percentage fifty chopped off for the interest equals enough to settle the score in a scrimmage and since its provincial playoffs i shall not take a single off a dazzling display of skill shall kill this devil off it will and until then I shall remain absolutely still

Im illusive like that missing widget that you're always loosing, your mind while you're searching for the clues with what you're using i could find a whole planet on this haystack been searchin since wayback but still aint never been as close as touching suns the mirrors reflect just because the fractured pattern path is twisting and its just begun the lights are listening and the ceiling spun the dizziness of days to come in darkness sitting solemnly with visions that determine one while splitting self dividing none its necessary that we forge these forms and make the oddest norms to satisfy the storms and cause the winds to quell the wildest calms the baddest times are gone so now we sit back and reflect upon the trails thats left when stars be gettin on the flying aftermath and fragments of forgotten bombs and broken pieces detonated when silent souls are stepped upon waking deafs sounding as the alarm, so underground, they miss eclipses

whats even worse is the idea that I may even be able to figure it out .. but its complicated and requires methodical study and organization .. I do however believe it is possible, and that it might have even been done .. but for some reason (!) the result of this resolution of reality is restricted ..

I THINK ITS CLEVER HOW YOU PUSH THE BUTTON AND TURN THE DIAL WHILE I GET MY SODERING IRON, MAGNIFYING GLASS, AND NAIL FILE

wanted in several galaxies So I guess if *I* cannot articulate the problem, it does not exist.
OK, for the record, state your name? My name is Chad Terry. And how old are you Chad? I'm 24 years old. And what brings you here today? Well, I've been having those feelings again .. I am becoming overly sensitive to the smell of burning oil and meat and perfume in the air and the noise and concrete and domesticated animals and rigidness and I Those feelings like I dont wanna work my entire life and what I'm cant even pick fruit off the trees! doing is a waste and I want to go up into the mountains and live nekid for a while and the earth is talking to me its telling me that I Yes Chad, do not trespass on other peoples property. am the one that can save the entire world and last night a frog told me that being covered in mud felt pretty good. But who gave them the proper? Does the government think it is more important than the What do you think is wrong, doctor? creator?? Which feelings? I think you need PROOOZAAAC! Ok how much is it? Its 500$ a month. [slowly pulls knife out of pocket] I cannot answer this question for you chad. And its been an hour. Please pay the armed man at the front door. Thanks, bye. Its only been five minutes!! What the hell!! Damn Las Vegas Psychiatrists! I'm a Psychic. You didnt even tell me your name. I just knew. Ok. Its been 30 minutes. Tell me about being naked. Do you want to get naked right now? [fiddles knife again] No, in the mountains! On a vision quest! What is that in your hand, Chad? Oh, just checking the time.

Through the course of millions of years the consciousness has evolved. Over the past several thousand years, it has transformed into a new process recognized by the human mind, and then the ability to recognize the self. The problems faced by this latest development is the limitation of the scope of identity. My research leads me to have the idea that this ignorance is due to the inability to relate to the higher frequencies of greater consciousness, resulting in apparent illogical, irrational, and illegible information being received by the lesser consciousness.

ahhh ... the wonders of staring at a blank page thinking ... thinking ... my state of mind has changed tremendously since i last spoke with you ... or at least, the feeling of the pressure of consciousness in my head ... what i wanted comes only in a dream it seems ... poised patiently waiting, pondering time and its effects ... over and over again ....

i read the letter that i wrote to my self ... over and over again .... ...

but i still couldnt understand it

when self destructive things bring comfort ... it was titled .. in any case .. for the third night in a row i've not been able to sleep ... or at least, i dont think ... did i also mention that i havnt eaten ... it happens on a regular basis and i want to know a reason ... a cycle unseen except through the effects of the changing season .. i run into the oddest characters .. go on long pointless walks .. end up in places new and proceed to represent my crew and talk oh those kids say the darndest things which is what i would if i could only remember entire periods of my life erased in a haze and released whenever it feels like it im tryin hard to fight the weather but whatever ..

Fri Mar 6 18:08:37 EDT 2005 an intense thing happens kind of like drinking acid except you didn't several days later you're wondering what's going on and you've been high all along the things you did every day now seem boring but of course they were, you sat around in slow motion watching the world in a blur but now youre up to speed, moving with the shakers and for the most port they don't notice that you can catch the ball and throw it with equal amounts of grace it couldn't be drugs. nothing lasts this long. right? in fact my cravings disappeared the past days where i was human didn't seem to be there, anymore i'd talk and chat and complete the task .. however it didn't last, this i am not so upset about; it has happened before; and each moment of time in seconds that I am my self, my older self grows, knows that this is my true calling, perfection. no, what is most odd about it is that it doesnt seem that anyone outside of my self can handle what has happened, doctors mumble gibberish, family members who have known me for decades mark it off as 'one of those things' ...

yup, its one of those things, like, THE one thing.

Continuity
A letter to my self As Chad Terry with Terry Pisces Aries Gemini

Luck card is been on the table for some time cup has been replenished So he thinks.

How I became myself: It was a letter that I wrote while not concentrating, focusing on not focusing. I was in the midst of a major evolutionary experience, a common occurrence, a splendid demonstration of what life was supposed to be. I had done it before, it was not all that unfamiliar, but you had to know that many things where inherent in the act itself; side effects? I would count them as slight hallucinations. Slight hallucinations; tangos on the radar, and they were hauling, going very fast indeed, toward you, over very rugged terrain .. as you ran, they crashed, and you ran .. Don't run. Fear is your friend. Fear is healthy.

Fear came here and showed you what the world was like when it was not the world. You were to appreciate and love the world for all that it was, for every single ounce of ant cellular creation that existed, for all of it. For what more? What else would you need? But the knowledge that is inherited with access to the current situation. I would like to stay about five minutes behind what was happening; I was very overwhelmed from the beginning. I would either try to keep my head 'clear' which was just kind of looking around and feeling what my head told me, and what was outside in comparison .. Right now was so close; a coincidence away. Possibly a series of coincidences, gaining strength, waining, but definitely appearing in intelligent places. It was as if you were seeing intelligent faces; emerging from non-sentience; things that were for stepping or avoiding or tagging or urinating, living things. Anyway, I supposedly digress a lot. I would return to what had just happened so recently, and marvel over it because there were very many things that I simply could not afford to pay attention to. See, I have over focus. I have been for quite some time focusing on a pixel of the television, on a letter on a page ... visualize light coming from my eyes that is about as straight as straight can get. It had a hard time wavering, receiving things from opposite directions, it was made to do its job, I thought.

My buddy would experience the same thing. While watching TV, I would type, and type, sometimes click, and he would regularly see something on television that was exciting, and attempt to hijack my attention, and there would either be a mental boxing spar session or complete nonacceptance; 'ignoring' it. We decided that strong distractions mixed with strong inspirations leads to a lot of strength. Then we decided that both were probably good to avoid or envelope in at alternating times; in other words, What was happening was Supposed to be happening. Already? Then why would I think not? This is a good question .... and it deserves a good answer, so I'll leave some contact information at the end of this brief. Accepting is a good thing. Oh, and I don't think there are enough people worshiping out in public. Tai Chi, bowing, praying, hands together, I mean, [expletive!$E@@!] its a GOOD thing. !! Anyway, God said: And you will never need And you will never go without And you will always be human And you will always be alive And you will learn of you And a lot of other things that God didn't say ...

[i played with covert recording backwards] Accepting the insanity and discontinuity of the entire situation allows it to flow. As a river it is much more concentrated naturally, and more of its natural element. Yea? It is weird, it is something very off balance to some, but in my way of ignoring the things that I have learned and wishing for the things I knew before then .. I find peace.

Or, I could explain what partying is. Whats a party to you? And what did it take from you? And what did you leave there? What kind of party is designated as a party? I mean theres 3 people hanging under the pier right now that could get quite funky I'm sayin, but when does webster dictionary begin investigating? I would say several years later, after about half of the party has left, and there are still a few gawkers, several obvious energy masters, many recruits, and a couple of hosts .. [hosts and masters, gawkers and recruits] Has the party even started? I say no.

Fear. Acceptance. Prayer. Psychedelic; God; Shared Experience; Overfocus; Recently; Now; Constance; Clarity. Continuity. And I wasn't saying this is right; I'm just saying it's what I write. After I read the letter to my self and got a clue of what my self was, I began to wander ... would sleep take this from me again? It is often an enemy; I don't even force my self to go to sleep anymore because it seems to do as it pleases; I've been tryin for a long time. I reflected on the length and quality of the experience, and came to the final conclusion that there does exist anomalies; such as this: bridges of glass and walls of smoke, all in perfect conformity with natural law, all performing ordinary duties. Like it was real, it was so real that while it was lasting it made an impression that was to be bottled and sent, in rapid succession in many direction without any selection. Machine gun funk. Murder can be justified, and has been justified, so why is my mind slaughtering technique any different? You're not supposed to get this; you're not supposed to do this, or do that, or anything, but ....

A Significant Sequence of Events

This is April. From a very long and slow moving [apparently] hibernation, I watched the frost melt, and the world shift .. so professionally and with lightning blind accuracy that all that was to be perceived of the event was .. a glimmer. It happens a lot; I don't want to imagine continuous glimmer. Now I face a whole new set of problems; I respect them don't regret facing them, they will fit on my infinitely sized wall. AHH What am I talking about ... the shine infatuation .. healthy obsession

A short film entitled: the five pillars of human success 1. desire internal satisfaction through external objects man overcomes various obstacles to obtain the object of his desire only in the end, to loose it like a bag of marbles 2. attachment devotion to illusion man loves woman, gives her all of his attention, and lives for her until she is taken from him, and he too gets taken from himself 3. power control of change man appreciates position of power until it is taken from him 4. delusion overflow of useless knowledge once knowing the truth, man fights hard to saturate his mind and forget 5. society culture and all of its paradigms man creates an environment that combines the key elements from all of his previous successes

yea i attacked i had to she had that certain type of attitude. i was swallowed automatic dude. on the watch for heads peaking above the tides. i'd enjoy the ride but i stop and think and then its all inside .. inquisitive to the death of me .. a cat like this on the sea? trick or treat .. not everyday i get to play dress up for a sin and its just my kind of karma to do it all again .. im listenin ..to my own personal hemisocialpsychoatmosphere digested loud and clear .. synchronized my heart to the rhythm of my own death ... approaching im on her doorstep and its later than i'd expected what the heck then ... time to push that special button, for ejectin there was a charge to this bite ..swinging in the wind ... 50 mile per hour winds ... but i could care less because i had more sails and i looked to the sky to figure out my trails ... writing a destiny to be discovered on other planets washed ashore .. it was all nothing and i wanted more because she hadnt said she loved me last time

she forgot to kiss me ...im talking tongues in gibberish now fingers crispy from formin from this fire and the only water smells like frogs and crawdads and flys that just dont understand when youve had enough but it was never enough because you would come back in a moment if you saw your self walking the other direction in a dream because thats all it was. in your dreams you'd wake her up slowly with rubs and fresh juice and would .. know what kind of dream to expect to be talking about when she woke up eyes that just saw too much

lost at love

with a defensive voice

and

and a, torn up tongue she-ripped my world apart

dancing in the fall of the pieces i got to see her eyes ... just once ... once ...

they said ... fuck you ... fuck me .. whatever ...

i said, well, got a name? or two? what could we do? what can we make?

that was just the end of one story that was fate we shared chords in several spectrum and it was all just fake our minds spread in several directions it was all intake who saw what and when was interesting depending on how late. razor pens and submission pens questions questions questions ...

how many names do you have? how many games in your math? got any lines for these circles? anything to trades for this wrath?

released or not i got the plot but wheres the dock? i needed to unwind, anchors away

at first all i saw was light then after my eyes adjusted to the whole left burnt images danced like fresh water dropped ..

she was the answer i never got and i wouldnt get it now tho except for me everyone knew in the crowd

i just kept on collision or incision its all undecision my guiding light ..

lost at sea

There was once a young girl Fingers quick filled with energy Who went by a name unknown They would pen down the day Though her body was young She could release her own self It was her mind that had grown From the whims of dismay She would dream of a world Far away but so close And would seek out the souls Who would show what she knows From the whims of dismay Came the blood of her life That would set her soul free And relieve all the strife

There was once a young man That had traveled alone For a time so long That the world seemed his own Though he knew it untrue His mind saw only him He would go place to place And keep moving on whim He lacked the simple touch Of his life to a pen And would write feverishly To free his self from this sin And at night he would arrive To a house warm and full of light But would leave in the morn Feeling worn and disliked Though no one soul could tell him He wandered in ways of old Down roads unnamed and unpaved and a temperature so cold

He would smile happily And the sun would be jealous But when the moon took its place His dreams would be hellish And he walks to this day Searching for that place better And for you to end this story is the point of this letter.

To relive the times passed Though her beauty was complete Was a thought often held She could live as if it were not And a lover of worth so For their two minds to meld And strive for these dreams And where they would go She was noticed by many Though appreciated by few She had hair made of gold And the end of this story And diamonds for eyes I shall leave up to you. A highly contagious smile Expensive and spry Though no one could tell her She held her own soul And would search endlessly For aeons untold

Young People.

the crazy hallucinating squirrel dazed and intoxicated from the dangerous world danced dizzily across the street, swirling left and right backward and forward oops, now is a good time to trip!

trip, but never slip and fall.

give a man a poison fish and he won't ask you for &*(#@ again.

On Going Insane
The thin line I am going insane. My life is in shambles. I have nothing. I am grateful. I appreciate my path. I am in love with life. I am happy with everything. I have absolutely nothing. Constructive criticism is not appreciated. No, not that. It doesn't work. It doesn't come. Please, take my shoes. I demand it. Have you seen through my eyes? Have you tempted fate? Have you challenged your self to the utmost, to the point of breaking, and beyond, far beyond, so far beyond that you create new words and terms with which to describe.. I have something for you. It is very special. Its origin is unknown. It has been alive forever. It has never died. It has disappeared, it has gone missing, been mistaken, but not been missed. I have it. I will give it to you. It will free you.

it may be safer to play with knives ..

adapt2.us
the love, the hate, the highs, and the lows, of self-experimentation and modification
Student of Self, I wander the stars searching for proof of this thing called mind, what else? Staying above the waves, I must calculate the tides. I am searching for existence of the entity Chad, through outer-space, inner-space. I beatbox while doing this; and freestyle in my head.
All in my head. The problem is that the first step that I took was the wrong one. So I have been retracing my steps, and wandering in circles for quite some time. No one else will notice that you are lost. No one can help. At most they can feel some confused emotion which is somewhere between pain and empathy.

Many will look down at you, and blame you when you are out of your own control, some will try and tackle you and tie you up, others will threaten giving you various combinations of pills and needles; against your will. You must always know that _you are strongest_, for whatever value of you may be substituted, but of course, you already know this, if you've walked down this path ... Though once you've seen the light the impression left lasts forevers. But what you will have seen you may take as long to describe, for you will never forget .... things are just not what they seem.

Composure lost

I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to keep my composure right now.

Internally there are fires and revolutions and wars and constant bloodshed the land of the rational vs the land of the children

I'm watching my self jump up and down, throwing a tantrum, pointing at the invisible to you, but tangible to me, source of all of this pain I am not lost though every sense in my body tells me so. This document serves as a marker, as home, as my future, and as my past.

A decision must be made immediately regarding where I will live from now on. I have never made this decision before. If I have, it is not currently apparent. You see, even though I may laugh I am very depressed.

Even though I may smile there is not enough joy in my heart to produce such a response. I don't know where it comes from.

I am mad, I am insane, I am not under my own volition

Control has been subjugated to various unknown entities acting under the guise of me.

An inquiry As I sit here in wonderment of my own faculties and principles I ponder the things that so many consider simple and take for granted.

Only through this inquiry will I find out where you stand.

When I am at the top of my cycle, full of energy, exuberant, interesting, and magnetic, are you attracted to those qualities that I exhibit?

Because without a doubt I can tell you that my psyche will visit places with terrain so unfamiliar as to require an entirely different set of survival skills.

When I am lethargic, slow, angry, reclusive, and depressed, will you recognize who I am?

What is said of my character, of a personality which changes in a predictable but unknowable cycle?

As I can visualize some of you already walking away, I can understand. We have not built up a bond strong enough to withstand these stresses. Stresses of logic and comfort, distortions of perceptions already built and accustomed to seeing things in one way and one way only.

After so long I guess I am not quite sure how to do it; either that, or I do, but I have never focused all of my energy into doing it.

Such is life, no one can save you, you must save your self.

Thanks for reading this, at least, friend, and I know that one day some part of me will come out of you, somewhere, at some time, for some reason ...

Ahh. The reason.

Keywords: Chad Bertrand Terry, terbospeed, suicide, madness, possibilities, possibly psychosomatic, psychedelics, power, providence, psychosis, april fools, attention, awareness, perception, poetry, writing, art, long drawn out jokes, life pain suffering, on camera, dramatization, questioning fundamental personal ideas and assumptions, identity, foundations, comorbidity, myopia

holographic native psychosomatically sophisticated perceptually territorial hypnotically situated generally tangential definitively interminable;

Concourse Inevitable Mercifully Incredible

11:25 AM 9/24/2007 I remember how I thought before I was 18 I probably didn't think every occurrence was synchronistic, nor was I aware of my dreams. I did not feel creative, or outgoing, or social, I had no interest in myth, and I probably had more awareness of my selfidentity and sense-of-self.. I also had no conspiracy theories, and no hopes and goals, and probably didn't understand what I was going to school for, what purpose it served. I got an idea from reading the Meditation Handbook, along with something from the skeptics dictionary. The changes made in "brain chemistry" by the effects of meditation, and possibly hallucinogens, are similar to out of body experiences and dream states, and also mystical experiences. A loss of feeling of the self; awareness of the body; feeling connected to the universe, feeling part of the cosmic whole .. why has the establishment vehemently fought against this experience? With the war on drugs, large numbers of people already know what these experiences are like. With certain genetic dispositions they get to feel this way for the rest of their lives. I suppose that if they can measure the change enacted by such experiences with MRI scans and the like, there could be a way to remove these experiences, "chemically". I have no idea why psychiatry hasn't figured this out, and why people are on drugs for the rest of their lives effectively.. Heres where I have to fight the conspiracy theory urge. It seems that modern psychiatry developed out of crude and not quite scientific methods, even possibly out of torture for what were considered broken people, and to this day keeps that aire. The same can be said of drug users. So now being aware of the many differences in my thoughts patterns, (hope seem to make me very happy, and fears seem easier to overlook) I have the choice to try ignore and reprogram them, or seek chemical treatment. I don't feel good about chemical treatment.

How, you say, can chemicals change the personality and perspective so powerfully? There has been no real motivation to study mystical states and psychedelic drugs, other than for methods of repression or control, is why. The likenesses between chemical mental illness and physical mental illness seems to be very similar. Its not all bad though. The problem is that the things that could have been fixed by a balanced upbringing were replaced by chemical change, like becoming outgoing, creative, and even using certain parts of my intelligence in odd ways. I'm also a lot more compassionate as I feel connected to the things around me. Capitalism seems to be totally missing that. Feeling alone and desperate to survive, murder and theft and overpopulation and exploitation of others seems easy. Is there a balance between this lower mind and their upper mind? Science is very deeply ingrained in our society, but also is that of the mind of a believer .. the mind of Christianity. We do not live in a scientific world; I truly wonder how often a scientist in the lab will burn himself, or witness something amazing, and exclaim "Jesus Christ!" - they may have consciously gone against the church but it is still ingrained in their upbringing. The fact that the languages that we use to communicate were developed during the magical days of religion is also a heavy conditioning factor. Also a large amount of psychological information is attributed to Jung, but the man was crazy .. he lived somewhere in the scientific world and somewhere in the magical world. The human imagination is very easily influenced. Indeed I think it is more complicated than is being used for day to day life, so many of these things have surfaced in attempts to make life seem more meaningful. Those in control are separated from us by this control, and if their intentions are to lead this species into a better life, they could use as much help as we can give. So this is my thesis, my entire life.

I remember why I began smoking pot. I was 18, in a high school on a community college campus (Merrit), and a young crack dealer urged me to smoke with him over the course of a couple of weeks. I felt I would be accepted, and eventually joined him and a few others in the ritual. I had felt left out prior to this, most of my life, and was happy to join a group. Before I did this, though, I read a lot about the drug and its experience, including Jack Herers "The Emperor Wears no Clothes" - I was somewhat afraid of its effects but ultimately decided that the controversy and conspiracy, along with the apparent lies and disinformation pushed by the established powers, warranted further investigation. Nearly a year later my first female friend at the time was into the Northern Cali Rave scene, and introduced me to psychedelics. Life became interesting. Though it did not begin with drugs, it began more at age 14 when a kid in Rice High School kept bullying me - I had been bullied since kindergarten, and on this life-changing day, I was told to apologize to this kid by the principle, and realized that the school had no real interest in me and my development, only in keeping the rules and the appearance of everything going well. So I left school and refused to return. Thats when it began - extreme swings of anger towards my grandmother - who was always "there" but never really "with" me. My sleeping and eating patterns became altered, because I had nothing to do daily other than get on the internet and first download and try software, then hack into computers, then learn to program. I remember staying up for almost four days once. I think it is also of importance to describe what I have been experiencing for the past several years. First it began as I identified with the archetype of Jesus heavily. I began to think I could be very similar; I also have a friend who still can't determine if he was Jesus in a past life or if he has been receiving revelations about the his supposed true story and his death.

I then began to notice coincidences, first on the radio, narrating the experiences I was having around the young woman, then everywhere, like everything was pointing me to do things, to notice things, like I was in the right place at the right time, and like I was *connected* to the outside world in ways I had never felt. As an aside, I also felt this connection when I was leading a group of younger, scattered people into one goal, which was traveling to the mountains of Ojai and camping out across from the hot springs. I also began to be interested in myth, mysticism, mental illness, religion, and spirituality of all types. I began to record my dreams and soon had lucid dreams, and also a few "between" full waking and sleep consciousness, which were sometimes scary but could also be turned into lucid dreams. To this day when I lay down after a full day of waking I have constant thoughts, like I am to figure something out, something I missed, not always recounting what I did during the day or what I will do the next day, and even now, I am writing this stuff instead of handling a warrant and a parking ticket, and securing my next stop on the road. My attention is always flirting from one thing to another, making it hard to complete normal tasks, and see what is actually going on and what I should do for any long period of time. I seem to be highly attached to a woman I knew from my childhood, and when I ask my self why I like her so much, part of the answer is that I see her as being able to save me from all of this, in her seeing how I am and relating it properly, and also because she has similar, yet milder, symptoms of the same thing I experience. I think she was worth the time and money and effort it took to try and see her though, but its hard to believe in what I believe in sometimes, ya know? Its often hard to distinguish what is real and what is fantasy, in your own self, and in the minds of others, especially when I feel everything that I know has been told to me. This document may never end. I like to write poetry and rap because I've been listening to hip hop all of my life. I want to make movies because I see them in my head, in my visions, and they interest me greatly. I want to help people because I

myself need the help from outside, but it has never been there. I like to look at the movies and television shows from my childhood because I want to remember how I was, and think about how they affected my young mind - in one instance, I had a dream where I felt I "went" into the body of a baby, and a dog nearby "noticed" this and began to bark at me. I just saw this same occurrence in the second episode of Quantum Leap. I'm sure that this idea was taken from somewhere else though. I have a hard time watching television or movies now because I highly identify with it, lots of television or radio seems to be speaking about what I'm thinking, and I loose my self in movies and identify with whats going on, only to be let down after its over. I'm always looking for coincidences to reassure me that I'm here, I'm always trying to translate my dreams, I always think there is more going on in the world than just my day to day life. I attribute a lot of things to hope than can be explained by rationality. Science can learn a lot from spirituality. I don't wish for it to be the other way around - I would rather all forms of magical thinking to disappear. I don't know how that would affect the world, as imagination would surely be limited in a scientific view-point, but I think science could become more compassionate, and belief systems more realistic. Walking in a big city should not feel so lonely. Everyone should not be afraid of everyone else, and should not build up prejudices and defenses against communicating with people. Everyone should feel somewhat equal, even the people who hold power over large amounts of other people. This is just me. I figure if I have a purpose it is solely to get out of this place of rampant imagination, though I seem to have a hard time just being in-between things, I think .. either being fully immersed in imagination or being against it. I think I embodied the traits assigned to me by astrology, and even though I began to learn more about it and even saw a *very* interesting transit exactly during the periods when I was becoming more interested in women this year (along with positive/negative effects, most of which I took on the negative), I have to say overall I am just influence, and the people that purvey these myths do so simply to have power and money.

What else is important in this world? Helping people if they think you're helping them so you can have influence? It could be said that nothing else IS important, other than money, and making a living, supporting a family, and learning a trade or art, but I don't think science quite has it. I'm sure spirituality doesn't. Selling imagination to people who want to escape, thats a nice goal, but why not let them truly escape into themselves, and develop their own creativity and imagination, and do things like become politicians instead of curse them, become police officers instead of hate them, and try and become presidents instead of saying how stupid they are .. it is a really hard job, and once you've gotten there you will probably forget all of the idealistic views you had when you were young and inexperienced. So I write. I can get a medical marijuana license and stay in this world or try and get out of it and share my actual creativity helping people get out of their fantasy worlds and step out and actually change the shared world. The first is easier, but in the long term holds the most regrets, while the latter seems very hard but has the most tangible benefits. I am seeing the skeptics view more clearly now; but I am skeptical about skepticism. My idea is believing is seeing, but seeing can be clouded by belief. I how the conclusions are arrived at by skepdic.com - but I think one point is missing. Give everyone LSD and create a magical world for them and all of a sudden they will realize that they can't get back, and actually prefer feeling connected to the world and like it is always talking directly to them. This state of mind might have been good if I had developed will power and self confidence and most importantly focus. Its possible society does *too* good a job of adding its views and morals into the individual, destroying the possibility of objectivity - I've always felt something was wrong, no matter what was going on, and that just being alone would be the best way to go about it .. indeed it seems possible to destroy many desires and simply live in a state of meditation and magic and myth.. But when you destroy someone elses magical world they often have nothing to hope for, nothing to drive them, and despair and the thoughts that result can cause deep depression and social withdrawal. I really wonder why society allows this to happen. But watching a Quantum Leap episode about the 60's, I

realize, that the mass mind that is society and culture does move somewhat like a dinosaur, and change in it comes about very slowly. My intent right now is to try and see if I can change how I see. How I have seen for the past several years, and believed, and all of the actions that I've taken, in order to ensure my survival and a decent life and maybe the lives of people around me. Its a hard thing to do. Sure, the old have wisdom but the youth have intelligence that was not available as that wisdom was developing. And the youth have new fights to engage in, and often more fighting spirit in them. So I read the first few paragraphs to my Grandmother then didn't feel like I should continue, so she read the rest. She mainly concentrated on the speaking of the family issues, and also saying that I felt I should save humanity and was still not paying attention to the world around me, not paying attention to my self and still delegating power to things in the outside world. I got kind of upset at her for emphasizing her point so much and saying the same thing, we didn't seem to be communicating about what was being written and I didn't think she wanted to understand it; e.g. she didn't know what synchronicity was but read over it, and asked more about the family and childhood experiences than in the idea that the mind and belief and mystical experience are being overlooked and lots of people are suffering .. But then, maybe that has nothing to do with my anxiety and inability to concentrate, though always looking for synchronicity and signs is highly distracting, and displacing power to entities outside or even inside of me seems to remove my ability to just do things right and have goals with achievable points of progress ... A letter to Prana Miller: I don't know what you mean by shell? Where I am in NC I can write and read, when I get back to Ojai I may look for a place, but before I do that I have to figure out if I can even leave here, I have a warrant that I should take care of but things keep distracting me ..

Ya I am writing down whats going on and posting it .. it does feel like I'm stuck in intellect mode, and its removing me from just handling things in my life. I don't plan on not being useful to other people but I am not very useful to my self or having a family or creating any wealth or skills or a place to live .. I'm really easily influenced by people around me, sometimes I can't distinguish what they are thinking or feeling and what I am. I'm becoming skeptical about spirituality honestly, and I can use my past experiences in beneficial ways, say becoming a psychologist.. I just want truth, I guess. I see patterns. Being aware of the chemical changes inside of me I've been reading about how many things can, "trigger", the experiences of one-ness, synchronicity, bliss, connectedness, psychic phenomena .. I don't know, if it came between me being able to focus and think clearly and me being connected and psychic I would rather be clear and have good judgment, these experiences are useful but I'd like out actually, if I could focus my intelligence I would like to become a psychologist or a politician or a philosopher .. I just kind of came to an end of the road on spirituality. Reading George Jaidar's book (he lectures in Ojai, ever heard of him?) and U.G. Krishnamurti's vivid and cynical explanations of enlightenment .. which he described as being non-existent .. "when you realise that there is no enlightenment, you are enlightened": Well I don't think that it is for me, I'm sorry I'm rambling but I can feel in my head the world is perfect or I can try and do something about it .. I can go to college in a few years and have a M.D. in several, and then do something to make science more compassionate and magical thinking .. less magickal. I guess. There was no science and technology when these things were created, after all .. maybe I can help science understand what goes on in our minds better. I don't know if beliefs have anything to do with my anxiety or inability to concentrate or communicate effectively, but I think it is interdependent on them, my hopes and goals .. What have you been doing man! Your travels are always interesting. I'm seeing if I can change my perspective and goals. Or even formulate some ..

Ok so today while I'm challenging my imagination to prove to me that its actually causing and influencing outside events rather than being influenced by them, I've seen a few things that left me wondering. The problem is that I've been wondering for several years now, and its a very big pattern of thoughts to change. I openly invite my mind to come up with some things, and I won't be looking I remind you, some events that only my imagination, or magic, could have put together. Lol I began to beatbox, I don't know why ... but the internet went off. Then I began to do some weird chanting thing. Odd. Something about .. my imagination coming into the world more openly through this vehicle that I've been equipped ..

Days when, the wind is still, and the rain has overslept unto the clouds.. When the sun shines full from the top of the sky and the birds sing along On days when everything has a face, everything has a place, everything has a message .. I sit and listen, intently, for the silence never breaks here, and I am assured that I am welcome, and helpful, and *loved*.. The buildup to the greatest communication between the universe and I has begun, and the dance is speeding up pace .. as does my heart, as does my mind, but here, in this place, we are beyond all of that. We are still. Still.

Write something about yourself. Look at it on another day. Perhaps in the past. Compare that writing to how you would be thinking now. Draw the steps you took in the comparison. Cut it into fragments and reverse some of them. [--] Bad timing. Just hopped out of the shower. Can't find my slippers. Hey I'm Chad, I will be in front of your eyes for some time. Then I will disappear! As you think about candy and the time. I used to live in a place, but now I live *on* a place, that is, my size 10's, one in front of the other, with selective moonwalk sequences sometimes manifested. For U-turns. I cannot discuss my relationship with my employer, but if you would like to speak directly with them, I can arrange a meeting.

I am an ambassador of a tiny country you've never heard of, and have diplomatic immunity against most infractions in this culture, and wow, I do abuse it sometimes. Its fun. I can always use more help, running multinational corporations is not *supposed* to be hard, but even I fall behind at times. Excuse me, have to catch the flight. See ya in Hawaii-eeeeee!! "If you say anything often enough it becomes true" "Thinking outside the box isn't nearly as productive as building a bigger one."

2:22 PM 1/2/2009 i just noticed that you seem to have impulses, which had some sort of .. feeling, then a thought would echo it out. the thought was kind of viral, i dont know how else

what if human kind wasn't ready for all of this? then the technology would be silenced until it was time to rise again. but if we were ready. then lets get going! im thinking .. time is a record of expansion ...

but it was like volvo mike said .. the word is not the thing. it was as if for a moment, well, several, i noticed and there it goes ... fastest gun in the west routine.

our 3 distinctions were purely conscious, as in all was happening furthermore, all is light, of varying wavelengths,

it was as if the thought wasn't needed, per se, or at least, it was highly, incredibly, overused, but then i would have to 'think' about what basically, this 'impulse' was what was going on now, and the thought took awareness from it. the thought sought to repeat itself, and was triggered by various things, and could in turn trigger perceptual imaginations, physical hallucinations, and indeed direct the entire vessel of the body and will ..................

so i'm thinking what we visually, and consciously recognize, are far less than what we subconsciously process. the process of the subconscious is far greater than that of the conscious. so time as a record. a vibration begins and increases, sustains a wavelength maybe .. well maybe that won't work.. i was thinking in terms of altered states, dolphins speaking an intelligible language, except at a much, much faster rate than we could decipher, or even determine to be as such.

all is communication, even though the word is the fashion time is our record of expansion, the record of the expansion from the conscious mind toward the unconscious mind, in such that all does exist and we will have forever to integrate it into our worldview. me personally, i can't wait to be a cyborg in space. i have to get back to stretching. 2:38 PM 1/2/2009 7:18 PM 1/2/2009 come home, met with about 4 people, none of them were in that place at this time, except for the 3rd crazy person that came over, who sparked this entire conversation, or rather, fanned it to a flame .. it was as if he came in after the movie I had just watched, and telling me that he had never seen it, basically continued it, the same skepticism of human consciousness and perception, the same out of the way explanations ..

'to consider time as officially ended - we work on the other side of time' yea.... space is the place now. i want the entire collection of these ideas put into film, and you know, it goes further to early sci fi, but they went on from ..

2:02 PM 1/12/2009 the way i delt with my insanity what was it. stressing situations bringing out critical behavior instincts in people. survival modes and bare minimums.. where did it go.

how i dealt with my sanity i had to travel. i went so many places that i became accustomed to it, always traveling, never focusing, dwelling seldom, holding everything in, dreamt of burst, fast knowing, right ways that were exact, how it should have been, how it was going to be, overlooking everything right in front of me (duh), entranced ... seeds to plants. remembering nothing on my own, but with

in certainly unpredictable and absurd patterns, down known the aid of my friends, many memories to go over, images dead ends with more flashlights, again, just for the pleasure to hold, them moving, pens over surfaces from hands not of the assured defeat, * making up names as we went ... * why. stupidity. something that was not meant to be. but was anyway. deeeee spite. all the forces. some meant for welding some meant for destruction. you take an even balance of both. all those tv shows i used to watch. the music. the movies. things that ignite memories, connect things, drag events along with them. i'm remembering now, but i'd forgotten it all so easily .. mine, then reels, and then voices not mine, thoughts not mine, no way to identify the input but nevertheless keeping a record.

when i gave up trying to use things to change me i began to notice that i could use the absence of things to change me the residues the impressions .. who cares who i (was) am. now i stay art. out of place, seeking context. always out of context.

Five Point One Percent

"we blindly searchin for answers ..." Thawfor - Savor the Moment man. i'm fucked up. one of those fucked ups i've been working on for a few weeks. i've decided to become an alcoholic, but it isn't going very well ... right now i'm seeing double and typing onto a tv with bad resolution sitting in a chair at a bad angle. and im drunk. i've been drinking for weeks, five gallon steel reserves et al, but either i get really drunk quickly and have a good time momentarily or i just dont have a positive effect from the cause and drink with the thought that i will get drunk motivating me. either way, i'm drunk, i can get a ... no, noncoherent, lots of forgots, like 500, but there is a point to this post, be it entertaining or interesting, prophetic and delusional or imaginative and blessed, there is a point. from my research on psychedelics, both subjective and objective, a majority of its ingestants exhibit subtle to extreme changes in personality. of these ingestants, a small percentage of them have horribly negative reactions. this is according to speculation and perusing the abbie hoffman collection. personally i've lost my mind, and control and regularity of my senses and memories, but i've watched a close friend lose his entire personality and cognition, partially due to inherited bad genes, partially due to too much psychedelics. i put the number of people who have bad trips that last a genetic lifetime at five percent. these people have so called unstable minds - are predisposed to having mental problems and issues. there is no clearly defined classification of what these predispositions are, but being a big head and watching lots of people, you can tell them more times than not. lots of people take time to exhibit truly psychotic tell-tale signs but you can see it in their eyes most often.

jake, jakes in that five percent, he's talking to himself, taking odd amounts of time to respond to verbal interaction, loosing pace of what hes currently doing, and generally being absent, comatose, being entertained by his "voices" and such. making weird faces and arm gestures; grinning and smiling and laughing to the aethers. my eyes are starting to cross. maybe food would help ... but oh the kitchen is a mess. the point of this story is that i am very optimistic in hoping that i can be five point one percent. [smoke brek] man, documentation is so useful. in various forms, varying perspectives. Incalculable. give a post hypnotic suggestion, an act, a mind state, a task jar the consciousness, briefly remove it, then upon its return reinforce this suggestion as the next immediate action in order to program perception questions such as what is a better clearer simpler explanation for consciousness and its interaction with the biological body and the external environment, how do my past actions influence me, how does my perception work and what do I see and what do I fill in and overlook, and most importantly, why doesn't my memory seem to work, why do I change moods rapidly when I smoke pot (sometimes), and see very many different gradients of abilities and disabilities, and some things that are always present, and why when I'm sober I stay stuck in some mood and have mood swings but it doesn't seem the same ..

im trapped in a dream wide awake

which has lost its surreal quality where consequences cause dread instead of energy conquering psychotic doctors yielding multipointed needles filled with needless neon reds and yellows jolly young fellows appearing warlike march us off in droves to hidden alcoves for labor uncompensated slavery mandated and stars created on television watched by lemmings chained in chairs nobody cares how i survive not even me im not alive i just act like it on tv gods land held captive with brick fences surrounding the sea invisible problems detectives dont solve them politicians just watch them from mansions planted on top of graves from which i arise solely comprised of fire earth air and water and i need a sip, matter of fact i should have punched morpheus and took all his pills TRIPPIN im not high im just mentally ill its better and its totally free hey look at me science will prove the existence of god before religion without manipulation because WE need for a rationalisation of causation purpose perfection from natural selection apprehensive minds fixed in binds to most high for our july event a most wonderful perception

White rabbit
theres many chambers and secrets lie ahead especially in the winter quiet your ferret this is patented corporate infoware sign this non-disclosure form here by facing your eyes to my eyes

.hi im chad ill be performing for you today some original pieces that i copied from my fathers thesis on astrocosmology and quantum physics here drink this colorless liquid its exquisite,

trip a lot

not a little bit

immerse yourself, into it

live the dream

life expectancy limited

cuz you're indigent take self and division it

my mental makes a simple map of images break one out of certain imprisonment keep in front the relevant

reminiscent of the stars envisionment use the other to view the illusion definite stampede out all the negligence

stand on concrete and walk amongst the detriment form minds like an elephant

while flying in clouds so heaven sent

use silence like a mime in elegance oddities and weirdness of a caliber destined to increase my name is chad and i'm not deceased i rock over all track over all beats as i move my head around tryin to speak my peace essentially a part of me is outta me astronomy under tripnosis, we note the status, that is, unaccustomed to the madness, create action, locate exactly where the ghost is, a fatal form of hypnosis, will leave you in a state of catatonic halitosis, a poltergeistic fight over your mental osmosis see the dose is high, so the pain is low, allowing panoramic views of the ebb and flow, stand back and listen to a voice so low, stand up and coerce to know the merciful most beneficent .. illogically efficient with this mission compressing eons into one single transmission glowing infamous .. information relating the spacious dome

subconscious astronauts dumpster divers

experimental experiences express

stressless heroes savem all rainbows will fall i lie down and take a series of short naps in between dreaming r e m sleep and walk on, the mind underneath

the water, constant themeing in disorder

disarray, my visual cortex contains the dismay or pull my own tricks out my sleeves picking from the infinite

and i may, choose to back and believe while im thinking

my subconscious mind is scheming

and begin drinking air like its you

look into a mirror get deceived open a book watch it change like the leaves flick the switch yo the glitch forgot to pay the power in all contact examine the detail see can't you tell? take out the beast but it wont be qwelled

i see now my hands on the plans demons in mid worlds as deep as wells

and refrain from running from my own hell

bring out the best but it wont be telled ..

from stoner to loner Drugs drugs drugs .. I've done a lot of them, and sometimes the experience was good, sometimes it was bad; sometimes I saw my self change from it, others I just wanted more.

A big part of the drug scene is the social aspect. Some people have problems socializing with others out of context; that is to say, if they are not in a school, not working a job, not in any groups or programmes, then there is nothing that connects them to the people around them. Or if the people that they do have a chance to socialize with are just radically different ... So the times that I have stopped using drugs were times when I had to find new social groups. My best friend is a pothead, and I can only take so much tempting from him. A lot of my friends are brought together by pot, by acid, by the search and the relaxation and the persecution, and often when either of us begins to see a negative effect on our lives because of this usage, we are immediately out of the group. "Hey man, I quit smoking" is a common phrase heard as you pass someone who you used to hang out with, usually on the way to find some more. Often times though, you find solace in the experience, that you share visions with someone, that they have similar thoughts on philosophy, religion, and morales, and also that there is often an urge to express, through music, through writing, through drawing. Some of them were quite good at what they did, but had no motivation to go through with this coming out of expressionism, often they sobered up and just became workaholics. Some people went crazy. Some people just wanted to escape from themselves. Some just wanted life to be interesting because normally it didn't seem so. Some were lonely and appreciated the added dimensions the drugs showed them. Some were just addicted. I was all of these and none of them at the same time. I do very well sober and can even take some company that is intoxicated. I'm different from a lot of druggies though; before I first began to use any types of drugs I read a *lot* about it. Surely you can't learn something solely from reading about it, but as I saw more and more blatant discrimination and misinformation being expressed by people who seemed to be operating out of fear and were afraid to lose control, I decided to give them a try, and its

lead my life since then. Kundalini began to arouse. A few weeks after I began to smoke pot at 18, I felt an odd, but not unpleasant, burning sensation at the end of my tailbone. Later that day I had my first vision, after which I passed out for more than 20 hours. A year later I was connected with the first woman I ever got to know, again because of pot, and we both lost our minds that year, but they came back, at least for ME, but I got to experience the Oakland Rave Scene, and psychedelics, and ecstasy .. Anyhow after my mind began to stop working like it had normally worked I noticed that I had never inquired as to why my mind was doing what it did. Why I was who I was. I was mainly depressed and repressed and antisocial and unconfident with low self-esteem. Until the point that I lost my mind .. I got to look at how I was, and made a decision to change it. I found little information about my experience, and how the mind was actually composed, in modern psychiatry. I found lots of information on this in spiritual information, the kind weaved in and out of all things religious. Desire kept us alive. Nowadays I just have lots of anxiety. I've found that my diet is my drug of choice, that I eat to satisfy transitory emotions, and that it has profound effects on my mood and energy level. Though with desires as strong as mine are its hard to choose a diet of light food, vegetables, fruits, regular cleansing. A lot of the problems I have are symbolic. Some of them disappear with the slightest of approaches. The constant changing though ... Well, I'm still pretty delusional. I get to look at things from varying perspectives, I'd say. I have poor control of the excess amounts of creative energy I possess. I donno what to do. I live the life of someone in a movie. I've met the directors and discussed various plot changes, so all is not as bad as it seems. They keep giving me hints of what to say.

Everyone else has a script but I have the privilege of being able to improvise. Constantly. Some day I'll write a book about all of the things I've read and experienced. Then I'll probably write another. 5 pages a day. 5 days a week. 3 months. 300 pages. Could I use some editing skill? Lots of material to draw upon. So this isn't all about drugs and social groups but drugs played a big part in me seeing through the illusions that were shown to me regarding life in the "real" world. For instance, I've met two people who say they were able to remove their need for glasses. But a doctor would never tell you about that, he just has to give you a prescription and increase it over time, guaranteeing him money. I might not get my vision back 20/20, but I might not have to wear these damned things ever again ... So through all of this I've learned to trust in signs and visions more than anything else. And to look at the stars when I was uncertain as to which way to go. I still remember the sign I saw on the day I asked if I should retreat to the mountains and vision quest, or try and have a relationship with a woman. It was clear as day though the night was dark. It didn't tell me which woman I should be with though; only that she would be shorter and probably plumper than I was. :D Oh, none of my time in the past was wasted, and through all of the confusion I have some good ideas. I could stop thinking now and just live off of pure inspiration. Or I could keep thinking and just stay in the atmosphere. Creativity is definitively divine.

why I write

It all began on a cold night in a hotel room in Oakland. I was sedated and out of my mind. I was seeing visions, closing my eyes and holding my hands in front of my eyes, and seeing the bones in my hands, and that image not fading. I was working on a C1XS picurebook named yesbook. I passed out that fateful night, and when I awoke that morning I found four lines of poetry beginning with "in the valley of awareness" .. The memory of writing those lines has eluded me; and except for someone coming into my room and knowing my password and leaving it there, I assume something in me wrote it. It was the first creative writing I had done in over a year, and its the only writing from that period of time that I still have; nay, remember in my head. I speculate that I began to write in this manner to remember where I was and to express it to those around me. My memory is very strange; I feel compartmentalized in what are called my mood swings. Almost two years later I began to get the urge again, to write. The first writing was on a crystal voyage with my companion Terry. It began 'while meticulously maneuvering amongst unaccompanied metamorphosis' ... typed into a cell phone. It seemed to be more a message to my self, than any form of art to share. I look back at the pieces from my other lives and still find new ways to interpret them. Others seem to be able to utilize certain parts of my expression though. Some have made livings from these pains and misunderstandings, but the prospect of being prosperous from my poetry drives my desire even wilder .. I wrote a few more things after that, culminating on the day of the Annointment. I'm still convinced, by circumstance, that these writings are not so much to be shared as they are for me to look over and study; kind of bringing information down from hypnosis, but I have a hard time looking back at my self. But in the sharing I often see things through others eyes that I couldn't see with my own. On the day of the Annointment I had received an Apple Newton. It lacks a keyboard and input was done with a stylus and onboard keypad. Walking down the bike path in Ojai something came to mind; I realised that there was always something in my mind to be written but I had never had a way to record it at the time. Oh if I were happy with just writing on paper .. which I'm not. So I began to write "I have been feeling very cold" and had finished a paragraph by the time I had reached a group of fellow indigents at 1913. After talking and hanging out for a bit more came to my mind; it was different though; it was so interesting that I found my self writing faster and faster to keep up with the thoughts. That night I began to write more and more. Soon I was lost in this transcription. It was if a muse had awaken, and was giving this little child candy in increasing amounts. I was sitting on the bench down from Rainbow Bridge at 9pm and wrote something that I haven't looked back on yet; "somehow I wrote down the perfect buzz"...

That night I went home and began a ritual whose origins I am unaware of. I filled the small garage-turned-room I was living in with Jano into an incense filled landing signal. Six sticks burning, in 3 directions -- and I was the fourth. That night I wrote all night. I was on some private net, in the schizophrenia channel and began to write so much they were convinced I was simply pasting paragraphs. I have never, in my life, been in an altered state like that. It may have been related to the food and sleep deprivation caused by the intense depression I had experienced weeks before ... So anyway since that night my muse has had little trouble showing itself. It seems to be integrating into me, and I can be inspired by the smallest of occurrences. My only fault is of not having focus, but there are times when that can even be a bonus. So I write to remember for my self. Its all diary writing. I also write to express to others what is happening to me. When it first began in 1999 I feverishly used Google to find the odd word combinations that would arise in my mind; and would find few results, but one of those results would be powerful and effect my world-view and questioning mind for the better .. so now I leave those same marks that I once was fueled by. A lot of the things that I experience are not fully understood by our current culture; a lot of the things I experience I read about and formulate my own ideas; a lot of the things I experience need further articulation and I believe one day I will be able to provide this articulation. Theres something really wrong but theres something really right, in this experience. The loneliness will be overcome. One day someone, maybe me, will understand and utilize this. That day will be spectacular; the sun will stand still on this day. (looking back ... let there be light)

what burns slowest burns longest and though i've been through rough times my memory is enormous

i asked my self a dangerous question, and the love died i tell my self, when i am having dreams of her, that it is just me, attaching to desire, false desire. the dreams are not wholly pleasurable, they are mysterious and forgotten easily, and they seem to be of me reliving a childhood fantasy, than of an actual event. when i am thinking of her, i tell myself that they are because i want to know that she is happy, not always that she accepts me and knows how to deal with me. i guess it will pass, all of this energy i've built up in my self, with a little of her help, her not watching where her energy goes efficiently i wanted to take a picture of a set of watermelons, descending in size, but at the right time, when the sunlight hit them perfectly, but i waited too long and the picture was gone. i am ok with missing the picture, there are always other pictures waiting to be captured and shared. i wonder why so much of my life is caught up in my childhood. what of those experiences has been under my radar for so long, and is being resurfaced in my self work. learning about sexuality before most people did, and not learning about female interaction way after the others, i wonder why i'm so self-centered and childish to this day.. a silly childhood dream to love and be loved by a woman. just dreams, they say, just my imagination that it might happen, just a coincidence that we would lock eyes and begin to fantasize .. just me picking at open wounds in feverish attempts to heal them. putting on a song that 9 months ago made me awfully sad, as I had connected it with a woman, but now it makes me happy. i listened to it thousands of times on repeat, for what reason? now i know it by heart. days on end, windows i'm changing, silent hands, like its a virtue, holding on to damaged truth, like its a weapon, meant to hurt you .. having dreams about prior lives, looking at the Grand Cross in the sky, wondering when saturn will stop affecting me as it has been this entire time. why does nothing fit into these categories i'm provided .. will i have to go out and make my own categories!? so I asked my self a dangerous question. it lead to insanity. I was quite comfortable in this insanity though I kept thinking that I was alone, the spirits and voices told me that I should look elsewhere for companionship. Ok no thats not what this is about. Its about flowers dying, the kind that grow from cracks in buildings, from cement fields, that survive though they are trampled upon by hordes of worker ants ... I asked my self this question: What if this woman who was the object of my desire, who I attributed so much good to, who I spent so much energy trying to connect with, was not as such? What if I was deluding myself? What if there was no goal such as to find someone actually appreciated the little things they could do to make you happy, and that you could make someone else happy and enjoy their laughter and smiles so much. If nothing I did intrigued her, and if she thought my life was not going anywhere and that we really didn't see eye-to-eye on critical issues ..

So its all true. I'm looked down upon and criticized and viewed with detached emotion. Ho hum. Living in a city that I don't like too much, though travel was the plan, I can drive across the country every month if it were fun enough, and as to the city .. just too much noise and dirt and ugly unhappy people. I prefer small towns where you can actually smile at people and befriend them if you want. Where everyone knows everyone :) Easier to succeed in those places, I believe. The alternative is to go back to Ojai and bide my time. Cleanse my self first, as this has had the most drastic effects on my mental and physical health I have ever seen. Possibly get a place if I can find one with lots of privacy and outdoor space, but its possible since I know almost half the town. Get a simple job to maintain a schedule, maybe tutoring ESL :) Maybe something simple that wouldn't require much effort, and of course cash is preferred. Pay more attention to my dream life, keep a stricter diet. Start to organize my writing, and of course go to more poetry readings. Learn more about astrology. Everyone seems to be so interested in it, but doesn't take the simple steps to learn about it. :) So simple really. I'm honest about it though, and even some people who say they are honest have filters through which this truth has to be seen. I donno, I asked my self a dangerous question, and it drove me insane. I'm watching a kid write poetry on IRC. I think its good, I often tell him he should use it to heal himself. Speak the poetry, but since he is usually improvising it he could just get on stage and see where his mind went. I want to do the same, in fact its a higher goal, rip the script, perform meditation then grab ears and proceed to unleash and without hesitation ..

wish she wanted the same. oh well. :)

Its funny I have quite a few ways to make money right now. I'm just not that interested in pursing them. What would I do if I had lots of money? Buy a big rig and travel the country? Buy a lot of electronic gear? I already have lots of things .. all I'm missing is a video camera and some focus. You can't buy focus and love. Hum. Well money isn't the only reason I will pursue one of the things initially. Underground hip hop is fun, so is freestyling, but I'm sure I am pinpointing the things that hold me back. Women. The flow of energy in me imbalanced, internalized. Discipline and commitment, but when things change so often, how can you commit to anyone thing?

you will always be a mystery

i went looking for you but couldnt find you in the confines of my percepts built up over time you see i was born in a moderately well off family in a nice part of town, supposedly enjoyed private school for the time i went to school, and have a certain degree of structure in my thinking. i also inherited the mental dysfunction, or adaptation, and for but one in a million those years took me way off course.

i didn't know what love was and didnt even know that it existed but it was, always defining me, my exuberance splashed all over my life so much that i was drowning in it, dying with no gasp, while you watched on in the crowd. but that i never knew for sure.

there was no fulfilling life here, no certain amount of advancement, no adequate level of stability in this way. gone the wrong way with gusto where is home base? got lost, stayed that way.

it was just that place to take a moment and collect all of the random beams of energy that was to be My Voice, to be respected and controlled. a smaller voice kept the tone, ticked dependably and told of greater things, better lives, other lives, that would be lived during this one.

dreams of you could never complete, were always interrupted by the real world. the beauty that i saw daily was but a fraction of a glimpse of your smile. so i imagined. i had felt the rays of an open mind before, but never in an authentic manner.

that pattern of progress, that you had endured and that would construct your expectations of what was to come, that was what it addressed. rather, directly conflicted with it.

this was of course all in jest, and premature, as vital information such as type of person i was, my expectations for a relationship, and ideas of

- A future well

future roles and place in life, were yet to be defined. but maybe you would chime in at that point.

"global positioning"
my mind was sideways [my ride was sideways - 2:56 AM 11/20/2008] from the head on collision my memory was in split vision seeing two of me false and true no longer ring freedom no longer sang and i wasn't allowed on the highways which worked out beautifully i couldn't trust this thing any more and everyone was speaking gibberish so here i'd hang forever asked if it could have its life back out in the wilderness i had two rocks to sleep on a hole to dig my hands into flowers that i may nourish from and light most of the time and i sat still. eternity inquired over ineptitude infinity demanded its soul always questioning never knowing always showing never knowing never knowing never knowing .. never knowing ... and that feeling where? who? what? when? how?

still... still .... still

rest was uncalled for dreams of being awake dying over and over again and asked for directions a group of friends that weren't really plans that made no sense

confused over the voices fading in and out time was the issue but was it right then or how? will it be?

lost in a fantasy psychosomatic four walls with no dimensions taken ... taken ... taken .. in soliloquy

in sections incredible one man against a team a solitary scene of historical significance construed and contorted out of context and distorted distributed

where was I? why .. did I want such information .. being kept on a need to grow basis left me no room for expansion so it seems i was breaking apart from the middle glances peripheral did no good distractions ephemeral

blanketed the story covered and censored the gory ... no thats not it ...

the key was right now but the door was on the other side of the galaxy and my ship was at the mechanics sinking slow with the emphatics sound effects so dramatic and emotional tying teasing and pulling at my devotional what a commotion just wanna panic forget all awareness lost in static

it was in me, this sickness only human was the theme crossing paths was the meme over bridges unfathomable

left as newborn forming connectings manic i dance through the chaos and harmony laugh at the tragic and cry in public for the loveless ... for the loveless ...

so they said

you either hate it or you love it, either below it or above it, separate or amongst it, no two ways about it, lets discuss it with the public, in a peer review circumference, start it up ..

the things we will discover.

with so little said and so much covered you'll discover that you'll need a compass to recover, smothered in mothers love, as below, so above don't involve fear in your defenses and distort your resolve stay true to the control involved maintaining the law

OBEY! SUBMIT! DESIST! Convey that I exist

we sincerely suggest that you simply submit soon the supernatural shall be your sacrament and i can tell by your eyes that your soul is fractured and bent do you doubt the signs that i've sent? or the life that i've lent?

I must be built to forget and taken to ambivalence Only a mirror to blame And try not to target

As her words whisked me off to other worlds .. My own paled in comparison.

If all of the pain were washed away would I still be me? If I knew there was no one to pray to would it still work? Questions asked between sentences penned without hope.

The beauty of her expressions were underscored with emotional pain released into my imagination, causing me to visualize the things that a life did to survive. If any purpose was gathered from this experience it was The fantasy of living forever after broke my concentration, as my hands wished for a purpose, if only to be granted freedom to create the most pleasurable things. It was all about her, this was no coincidence, my imaginings How did she do it .. what recipe and ingredients were needed to put together such a vision? Though I was not asleep, I knew this was real it felt like a dream. had long taken over, where the real world was a pin-point on an old map long forgotten by most travelers, and a chance to make a change resonated deeply through my body, shaking my head up and making my vision blurry. indeed taken as my own. Such a selfish soul. Taking all it could to give back everything that it had. To emulate the greatest creators ... ah, a true source of beauty.

Unleashing the dream into the real had lessened the appeal of both, and the only magic that existed now was between two comments spoken carelessly .. what was the difference between them? It was all for her. May she have her wishes granted, and most importantly have the power to wish for the best things.

I hope to update the last few posts regularly. I need more keyboard. Ok have more keyboard. $2.99. A few dreams I will write up (supposing they dont fit in CYOA style!): Well, in a dream I had several years ago, I saw the words "Acean" semi-clearly on the wall outside of a building. Recently I have been learning more about dolphin intelligence (!), the Dogon/Sirius myths, and most importantly the "suffix" acean, which means sea mammals. I will think, mainly, dolphins and whales. Anyway I plan to intentionally dream at least a certain segment of this place again, in the hopes that I can go back there and learn. The others are some forms of fiction that are rolling around in my head. acean dream institute headline: a castle in the clouds, harmonious music, as an entrance a school in the center of the earth, where dream travel and advice were taught and given

summary: A young boy discovers a world in his dreams through an old book in the library.

The book begins by describing a harmonious tribe in a distant land, held together by four perfect masters. The masters first discuss tribe politics, and then the upcoming enlightenment ritual of the young ones. The next day they gather the rituals participants and explain the nature of the mind and senses, the physical and astral bodies, and the true nature of the universe. Being that these young souls have been conditioned to accept this type of information, the ritual goes smoothly. After learning this simple knowledge, the protagonist is distraught. He feels as if he has already known this information, and struggles to compare it with what he was commonly taught. After a few nights of trying to gain access to his dreams, he finds that his dreamscape already revolves around the world described in the book Although it seemed a perfect land, there were problems. Otherwise it wouldnt be of interest to humans. So some event, similar to apocalypse, but on a much smaller scale, will happen to actually simulate true harmony. description: after watching a scifi movie on esp and the paranormal, young kid begins noticing weird things in his life. he is. he is drawn to a book in the library and subsequently begins trying to travel in his dreams. his main focus, though, is to reach the acean institute of dreams.

begin. he awakes in his bed after experiencing dreams that seemed to be too long. feeling a chill even though he was under the covers, he realizes he has been sweating.

the dream begins to fade and reality sets in. suddenly there was no more wonder as to what was going on, for he could already tell.

shower then school then lunch then school then tv. on his way to school he felt another pull to the library .. but the only time he could find to visit was either on his way to or from school. his mother didn't want him to be around all of the weird bums that hung around the place, and told him to take his brother, who was never around. "he meets a homeless guy, who asks for 37 cents, then walks off saying 'the red book has all of it ...' hes intrigued and amazed" "sees a sign with a big red book and a guy who looks like 'xxx' and reminds him of the blatant illusory value in day to day life" "goes to library, stashes backpack in bushes, and finds the red book (from his dream) in the back of the library and reads it." "in the old land the ancient masters were wise and plentiful. it was a time of joyous work for the earth. stress as it is now was not known.

the village alemi was maintained by four old kin named the starlins. two brothers, a cousin, and a friend ranging from 90 to 120. chad terry jake andrei. their fires seemed to ember in their heads and spread through their abdomen like two threads of white and purple light. jeanel's fire was tinted golden while jauns was more reddish. high diplomacy and balance, a singular dual-minded force, with jaun tending to be more contemplative and abstract, and initiating, and jaunel being more active and direct and bringing things together.

meylen starlin, their cousin, was bright yellow from his pelvis to beyond the skys limit. an ascended master. his material body simply served as a focus for his ashkaric energy body. immortal, and perfect, his advice was always clear the first time you would ask. if you could find his body.

marlen starlin .. ""

a late night ceremony.

around a large bed of rock coals the elders discussed tribe politics. they enlighten a group of young boys, most young, some 13/14 unenlightened. they teach the basics of material reality and self/ego and the true nature of the soul. at age 4-6. in simple language, for ears ready to hear it. they describe that all souls travel through the astral, and return to their bodies, each night and morning. the reason for this illusion was that earth had not yet cultivated enough positive light energy to sustain the entire, steadily increasing, population.

these young souls would be trained in this perfect realm, an endeavor which would take hundreds of earth years. they would then be sent to earth to see if they had truly learned their purpose.

Talk about dreams ...

seealie gains vision

mike boguz, secret agent

young homeless schizoid turns demonic possession into material possessions with songs and stories galore

handing off data like drugs, this new-age entrepreneur knows no limits. tails of lavish travel,

the traveling fantastic force

law enforcement mockery, fortune re-appropriation,

the starseeds of sirius - group of young traveling light workers spread joy and search for deeper meaning on earth. not your average hippie bus, with incredible combined powers of imagination and creativity, this group manifests all types of positive things and events for the finalysis.

and electronic wisdom galore.

acid was illegal simply because the government learned that in populations with high amounts of acid the people became more politically active and outspoken.

mike sought to change this, a union in the stars procuring massive amounts of this substance and carelessly soul mates meet who are actually romantically compatible and begin work on an idea so grand that it just might work .. the plan was first to dose a small unwitting population distributing it while traveling.

A meal of crumbs broken forks a lack of empty turn down the silence school o thieves get low motility a mices tale spans galaxies a banquet for hard times stuff with food in it home is where the hard is a future well

rapping with parabolics doctor oxford acidophilus cameras on cameras

start to finish as the odds diminish the plan, makes, circles around its purpose the plot can flourish

Saturns Entry & Exit - To Rainbow on a Whim Entering instantly, after a long period of deliberation, confusion. Large amounts of energy in small spaces, being unleashed when .. I was reading J. Krishnamurti. What I took from the experience was in an example of the persuasive power poetry had over emotion. He proclaimed that the effects of the writings of the ancients, the sermons of the living prophets and the speeches of the preachers and proselytizers, was simply effectual on an emotional level, which would confuse the intellect and rational thinking of the average person. It took reading his writings for a few days for it to sank in. When it did, it hit instantly. While reading his pages and flipping between the J. Khrisnamurti of Ojai's writing, I had an sudden change of mind. No longer was what I was reading interesting. My thoughts of astrological correlations between day-to-day happenings disappeared. Other things went missing, but overall I remember feeling relieved of trying to figure out all of these heavy reality equations. I would roam for years afterwoods, piecing myself back together, takin account for all of the things that I was composed of.

Back to Josephs, on to the road, to Toronto for a few days, to Bakersfield, to Sheideck, with Terry & Amber, to the road again in a new car, to Scotts, to the Dome. Dr Nasse's place was very comforting, always nice people around and plenty of food, but these things would also have bad effects. Many agendas, interruptions, and overeating the /wrong/ stuff was common for me. My own friends were the worse, they would come right in to the dome, but our missions never aligned fully, we were always in different places. In like a bat out like the wind, I decided that the gathering was a good idea on a whim. Previously I had been playing games, messing around with music, and generally ignoring my own self and thoughts - staying very occupied. Warcraft and marijuana, I was pretty content in a very backwards way. My favorite song, about the fire,came about early in this period, living on the Doc's property, dwelling in the Doam. I would sit in my dome, allowing it to become messier and messier, dancing around an odd collection of thoughts, skirting the spectrum of insanity. Suicide, permanent, unrepairable damage, impossible power, forever alone. Friends that weren't there, the inability to be there for anyone. Taking, taking, consuming, killing, somehow surviving, missing death by seconds.

Odd pains, fear of doctors, skepticism of absolutely everything, even me, if it was all changing, how could you be confident?

Family? Fucking? Gay? Buy an ounce of meth? What would I do .. These silly words capture percentages of the pleasure, parts of the pain, but not the chaos, the alternating heaven and hell, with no schedule.. Somehow I was in company a lot of the time. I seemed to attract all of the weirdos, all of the needy needy people with nothing to give.. They would bombard my place left and right, asking me for this, or to do that for them, or for someone else. Not a single person seemed to notice that my soul was dying, dimming, my eyes were aging, my cough was worsening, and my desires were becoming rampant. I wrote then, so it may be placed somewhere. I'm wishing to write and publish, in one act ... these scribblings are becoming 'tomes'.

The 47516 ... Jazz?

I awoke at the gathering.

The trip was its own chapter. It was the beginning of my awareness of people energies - those that would conflict. In any confined space I would begin to notice certain peoples wavelengths, which had no correlation to my own. I've even forgotten the name of the first chap who showed this to me. Of course, it almost turned into a fight, but it was very worth it.

I likened the guys personality to Terry's. Except different, Terry and I could share the same space for weeks at a time, but with this fellow, 3 days was more than enough.

I will return to this; The first memory I can grasp of my awakening is....

Mission I Possible

I was sitting on my porch after having awaken groggy and overslept, reaching for a stale cigarette while wondering what was going on, when a flash struck me had I really gone anywhere? The last two months resurfaced, in a dream like manner, and my ritual, from the past, on the porch was interrupted as I felt confusion pulling me into both realities.. It would be no more than ten minutes before the days combatants would arrive, each one after another, sometimes in groups, all intent on keeping me in Ojai with one method or another. Some were excited to hear about the journeys and transformation, while others could only hear bits due to their incessant talking. The drain from such people was a full flow of energy, and in the end less would be done than I had hoped for. But I did get to see a lot of people I had not seen for a while :) And listen to a lot of music, and play a few video games, and look up a few things on the internet, and eat some real food, and come up with a plan for Sartuse to possibly make some money with little investment of time.

I still haven't gotten space to write, but I've been somewhat rooted in the dome, the strange energy here is stronger than it is in Ithaca .. But I've conjectured more about its source: fear. The idea is that while money and privilege and worldly experience count on one hand, on the other hand they are crutches, weak forms of transaction with indirect connection to the participants. People solely reliant on such artificial means can become aware of this weakness, but I'd bet most are not aware. But somewhere ... in eaches subconscious, they all know of the backwards way of the world, its superfluousness, and fear that you may know that of them also .. They project this to everyone strange, and even to familiar people, just in case. Its a form of "protection". I end up staying up late, thats my protection, its so entangling and distracting to have so many agendas presented in the way they are presented. I felt an easier time helping people in the mountains, with realer things, such as how to get water and food. The negotiations are often more stressful - or I'm feeling more stressed? I dunno.

Sartuse is an older gentleman who has been making music for decades, usually performing. He has recorded several albums, and recently released one CD, which I have the rights to distribute. His cd is Solo Hand Drumming, and its pretty entrancing. Kind of like what Bruce Lee said to Chuck Norris. So he needs some sort of web site, I have a few graphics that I can scan, and a bunch of music & loops, I hope to have him on tunecore by next week and facebook & myspace soon after.

maybe ...

the earth appears round .. because your eyes are

kept hold closely to what was not known a secret never to be divulged seeing kaleidoscopic visions of possibilities endless rotating, swirling, a psychedelic moment connected by streaks of light whirling pieces of what used to be a thought process though he thought about it and processed it down to an equation a cerebral celebration of the passing of bits bites of information snapped at and often tasted sometimes digested and occasionally enjoyed. the sign of the times was faded and worn and the unspoken consensus swelling formed the shape of a question mark in the sky for some yet unnamed super hero to answer, to ignore.

torn between two worlds :: will anyone help out?? explanation will follow World 1 - The old world. Musical opportunities: Recording a master musician, who is currently very accessible. Have a lot of gear, and right now can afford to 'disrupt' the peace of the property, for some weeks. World 2 - The new world. Selling tonnes of stuff. Traveling to somewhere, ending up in NY for some time. A musician and two engineers with a studio and other properties to work in. A steady need of technical assistance. New friends and a new identity.

i believe reality to be unknowable and unpredictable in its most absolute form; any certain conclusions can only be improved upon. any relative reality taken for absolute reality shall be regarded as illusory, and a majority of existence have been living in this way, consulting myths and stories in order to find guidance. relative reality deals with species survival, and in such only consults its environment with these limitations in mind; ignoring a vast space of interactions. many of these are categorized as off limits, taboo, in order to sustain the power of the illusory reality. there is no drama in this it, is plain fact. there is right and wrong world-wide, and summarizing it is a hefty task, though many plunge directly into it. the now institutions of science and religion have long stood on foundations created in times very different from our own; and at a glance can seem to be completely different beasts. the average person could care less that perception is a volatile thing. nor could they give thought to the hierarchy of interdependent thought systems which they are shown as being good. in fact, they are continually kept distracted from these things .. tryptaminic patterns first lights and swirling things eyes closed, i see energy lines that outline my fingers no matter how i move them

i see patterns like most hypnagogia but they often turn into pictures these pictures turn into dreams i have seen my self and group from behind and above most aren't all of the time, but on rare occasions such as several moments ago. i meditate visualizing a triangle that i form with my hands in front of my eyes (with a triangle at the bottom that part is obscured) and play with it - as i just did it i was slightly startled by the thought that i couldn't tell if my eyes were open or closed, so i opened them, and saw the same thing looked at the light of the pc, and the sun is barely showing so there is very little outside light and hypnagogia starts again, and i see it eyes closed and eyes open. buck 65's dirt bike song 'i see the same thing, eyes open, as eyes closed, highs, lows, my rose, and live shows..' You asked for A, and got B! And were satisfied. Who lied? We tried, with our last living breaths to scream, as if to negate the dream, and wake the dreamer .. Because things are not always as they seem, huh? We evaluated the differences, which consistently came up significant and ran tests that failed in all instances Confused with those who chose to stay behind

with lesser minds we rose to find the field of time to play create foundation. absent positive role models these people chose to live out of plastic bags and glass bottles only confusing the sorrow like you can postpone tomorrow lost in bliss they missed events of inference feelin good but lookin at the docks in ignorance deliveries over wind and seas of locks details of difference in vigorous actions, they feverishly when after this distraction i dont break eye contact space for miles davis cords and sun ra beams of light i dont close my eyes go far the pretty shiny stars i dont take steps to the suns beat marching to the rhythm of a gun souls parting i dont get down i bury myself underground and sprinkle words all around words that dont mean anything things that dont go anywhere and places that dont exist i dont dance but can inspire the head nod in a mob of the penniless undulating and carelessly caressing their throats like what happened to the ropes? i dont know but i know i dont write rhymes times write me i dont hang out i work the strip and cruise the blues peruse for clues on the unpaid dues i dont own a pen but this paper sins me to the wind i dont read and write but i got the right things to make you

read between the lines i dont make signs but signs might show their self evidence i dont call his name in vain always pain poured pavement walking ways within prayers i dont get high i dont get high i am high i was born high i was borne in flight and am at home in the sky though when i use my eagles eyes my energy is projected to the ground feeding from the negative energies i stopped at the drive through college picked up some fast freedom, fried yea lemme get a number 666 with some extra ignorance swallowed whole but there must be a shallow hole in my stomache so i always wanted more at the 365-day liquor outlet picked up a carton of candles and a gallon of grease to ease my movement through these streets still got caught up though by hundred year old thoughts swelling tuned in my vision but all i picked up was indecision 19.99 or 9.99 or 800 or .com felt down when i read that they were dropping bombs whats going on?

are these mirrors in front of my eyes upside down and backwards, or are you all just fractured? the snakes tongue has not changed so history remains the same given a view of the head the beast shall be slain provoking the unleashing of the sky torching scimitar again ..

so i had to kill a couple of butterflys on my way to slay the beast they died for a noble cause let us all pause. on my way to slay the beast my vessel pumped, pushed, writhed and beat as the fuel pain bled sound vibrating speed. cruise control and 65 across the globe. was the dragon at the end? no one knows. or knew at the time, thats why I wrote this, moving at the speed of thought, finger always on the button, biscuits always in the oven, through all low battering warnings.

i wrote this so that i could know, the source of my own pain, hidden within me. and no, i wasn't hungry, i wasn't tired, i wasn't inspired, nor wired, just traveling the hypnolayers. laying road where i went and giving out names i would forget,

no one soul would see the source of this pain. Only everyone would see it. words like water had sped through their filters, but this could clog them up and replace them. words like candy would tickle their fancy but the taste would soon fade away so i began to tattoo minds with mines my tongue like a pendulum with an axe at the end for a pen my mind an empty bowl waiting for manna from the sky to feed them my hands always itching, twitching, spazzing. i remember the time i cut my finger, and bled all over the paper it was so hot then that it rose in thick red vapor this spark cannot be harmed it chooses its own direction the wind is so very strong and the water is very warm and the aerth provides protection brother from another mother, sister from another mister, unrelated cousins in the dozens and surrogates who wink at me in the night. a family among us expanding humongous hey, oh, hi everybody my name is chad terry or seku ahswe, the caller of names walker of the wind who has his origin in the crossways

riding on e to eternity are we there yet? this disconnection i feel must be the connection the directions to a lost soul resurrection finding matter in holes and digging holes in matter the whole order is backwards distorted, so minds have been contorted comforting the most important they gave us the words to define us so are we even that?

The word is not the thing.

the man i was

The man I was when I began writing this entry is dead. Buried and forgotten, these words would otherwise have smelled rotten, if my mother hadn't told me otherwise. Though tears swell up in our eyes the flowers don't need more water, they need our songs and praise and care ... for when the sun is gone these plants provide for us the visions were for those that could interpret them and follow the signs. if you are here then you have already done exceptionally well. what words were these to come from this hole in my chest a murder in reverse to kill the readers mind to a place of calm unquestioning vision. each tiny little individual segment sectioned and sanctioned for sovereignty. praying in unison was the only way.

thank you for your participation as a blank canvas which i will use to paint an image of yourself as you would see through my broken eyes. i will be able to use your eyes to see now we will seek visions and then integrate them into our full beings, the people we are to become. shining like beacons for all those lost to see we have been chosen to lead a new pack. those behind us will keep us up for the good of humanity. it is a noble calling to be able to fulfill, with its rewards and downfalls. the truth of it is, that it never fails, and never has failed, because we are still here. when it really gets good,

we won't even have to be here.

a complete circle of fire

I came up with the title hours ago. I was on my way to write about the event. But since then several others have occurred. I will begin at the beginning I was given three dreams today. Dreams that I would take with me across the country, in hopes of healing the senders of the dreams. The first was given to me in exchange for some rolling papers that I had no use for. A good sized piece of jade was given to me by Nick. The dream was not the intention. The second was given to me by Gabriella. She is an enlightened person. Of course she has been paired with Marty for some time, and I think that they are a great match in terms of pure energy. The third was given to me by Barry Frazy. It was a peanut. It was to be consumed. Gabriella is always jumping up and down about something. For some people it makes them ignore her and think that she is crazy. But the first time I saw her, in her face, in her eyes, in her energy, I could see that she was a very bright star. She recognized me at that moment. Nick I noticed walking up to the Community Assistance Program; he reminded me so much of Gordon the young drummer that I jumped outside and said Yo! Whats up! Since I havent seen G in months and months. (Theme of almost everyone I saw today). As I was shaking his hand, and he was saying whats up with as much gusto, I noticed that he looked a lot different than G up close. In any case we struck up a conversation, because obviously two young people at a place that usually helps [homeless] people probably have something in common ,or to share or learn. He was looking for a free lunch. Barry, I shall not write about this. We were sitting in the community gardens. They were loud as usual, there was hard liquor going around. At one point Gabriella approaches me and asks if I can take a picture with my phone of me how I would like to be seen. Of course; I told her that she could take as many pictures as she wanted. It took her a moment to figure out which way to point it. My screen isn't visible in sunlight so she was turning it in all types of obscene directions trying to figure it out. I've never seen anything like so, (except for the next person who took pictures, later today) I told her to press it and hold it down. The center button would do everything. But I was not currently aware that it would only take one picture, because I usually spazz press it. So she was having the most outrageous conversation with me. It was all inprov, and her mind was OUT THERE. She was using it to evoke certain emotions from me, to feel and look certain ways for the camera. It was amazing, I couldnt help my self. After this she sat down, and thinking we had taken at least 20 pics, found one. Oh well, she went into something about Rob-O thinking she was a

witch, so don't tell him. After this, she thought about traveling across with me. I could probably take a whole van, physically, but not astrally. She began something about race. She talked about me being a virile, young, black male, who was intelligent. I thought to my self, well, I guess, but add crazy too, distracting), and she said some other things .. I told her my idea of why our union of 3 was broken apart so violently, and that I thought that there may be active energies out there specifically against us (chad jake andrei). I then took a photo or two of her. She then told me that she wanted to give me something, that she had made. She said that it reminded her of my dreads. It was a tight; perfectly twisted strands of leather. I found no imperfections; she told me the story behind it. She was once a very balanced person. She holds MBA and an MBS. She was also an engineer. These could be myths, who knows. (IDO) So she gives me this and asks that I take it with me on the trip. She told me that it likes to be oiled regularly, weather with lotion, oil, or human sweat. She asked me that if I could take it with me, and every time I saw it ask that one day she could take the Journey also, that maybe it could just happen.

She is a saggitarrius. She said that she would follow me, Aries, wherever I went. I would start it, she would end it. the baby the adult the elder the spark the fire the coal After she gave that to me I felt the urge to leave. As she gave it to me I cried, realizing what she was asking me to do. Save her. Help her in some way. She had been addicted to methamphetamines for nearly 20 years. I ventured to rainbow bridge to acquire liquid nutrients. Thirsty. Sweating a lot. Green juice, coconut water. Mm. Waiting to be served I ran into a lady whose name is quite distinct. I immediately remembered having met her. She stood next to me, looked at me and smiled, and something old was exchanged; I can't quite remember. I asked her if I had met her before. She told me yes, and I had asked her that same question. She told me before that, we met, and I didn't remember her. On the set of a Rosa Parks documentary. A few years ago. I never got payed as an extra; but I had dreads that we tried to hide in a pool scene so who knows if it was even used. Lol. I relayed that I was traveling, she said she was also. She told me she had just returned from Alaska, and was going to St. Croi. I could see the amazement in her face, and how she handled it. I almost jumped up in the air, haha, Alaska ! But then I've been really excited all day, at every ant and leaf and butterfly that passes by. lol. She told me to go to L.A., and maybe in N.Y., to get an emergency passport. (I had to move my car - my phone wasnt working - and I think that the guy sitting next to me called the cops! I have never seen them just RIDE through the park, in TWOS. They only come one or two at a time, but STOP and walk THROUGH the park. I guess a sweaty black kid walking around with a cell phone talking to himself half the time is kind of scary establishmentwise. Geeze.)

Anyway Theory booklet no script improv lets all just act out our pain. After meeting (I want to say Hypatia, but not quite) I ran outside into 2 other beings who I seldom meet who have incredible stories, Sasha and Lonny Jr. It was incredible. I don't remember it. But I may still. I then got someone to take pictures of 3 black people in Ojai! All dreaded, two young one old. Lonny's father has since cut his dreads, but they were short. We're all shoulder-rockers. Joanne Terry appears and takes lots of pictures for us. Very cool. We have a long talk in the post office about how her mail was returned when the landlord put 'family' on the change of address form. She lost some portion of her mail and it has bothered her since then so I went with her to change MY address. It was a most hilarious situation, I just wish I had brought my tape recorder along the ENTIRE day. I then went and hung out with Matt Sewell. Hes been really kicking butt and burning all the pages with names on them. The company he works with is iLike.com. Kick it to that name. A million dollars for it! I would! Last week, on facebook.com, after releasing the iLike library to the public, they received 1,300,000 new users signing up. As we were sitting there for 20 minutes discussing it, 2000 more people signed up. Ok, stay calm now. I really hope they can offer value added services that are ahead of the curve. This guy needs to be rich, torment is a bitch. Ok after that I checked online and found that I had insulted the person with which I would like to make amends. I wish .. Time tells. Say hi if you want to comment here. ;X I don't know what to do, I need a camera crew, to just follow me around and record what I do .. but an invisible one, because truckloads of gear kind of make people act ... differently ..

and this is how we rewrite right now

Kanna-bis = canine + two = double dog plant Sirius A,B,C .. the Double Dog Star System of which one african culture speaks of origins .. before telescopes. Interesting ideas, and even if fabricated, from *what* source? Who came up with this entire myth? Its very detailed and similar to earlier pieces of work.

enticing blank page

One of the biggest and hastiest decisions I have made recently was that of ingesting entheogenic chemicals. Many are given a choice to learn about themselves, for me it was mandated. I did not know who I was before my first onset, but I was left with most of the pieces to my puzzle in order to facilitate he great work of creating myself. I am not interested in psychology, religion, or physics, they are a regular part of my life and attempt at understanding at what I perceive and why. I am an Aries born on the cusp; I am therefor full of energy and imagination, but my childhood forced me to direct this energy inward, and made me imagine the worst. As a result I withdrew to a ``safe'' place, showing only traces and mutations of the positive traits that I was born with. As for some of my negative traits, I can trace some of them back to kindergarten, and I've watched them deviate. I write this as I realize it, my ship has not yet landed. I do not yet have control. My plan so far is to learn about my given personality through the interpretation of astrology, using this information to balance my positive and negative aspects and find my true intentions. This phase I am in, and I expect to be able to work soon. I will then start with mental or physical discipline. I began on my journey just after my 19th birthday. I began to pack around 12, though I was only made aware of this fact at the age of 18. At this time my positive traits began showing, I also began to have incredible experiences for which no physical relations could be found. I am currently viewing aspects of astrology in people, as common as their clothes and their face and posture. Or rather, it is a composition of their entire energy.

ego - a span through time " your primary objective here is complete. you are now free ... " 00. true identity 01. the inter-workings of the mind 02. the origin of rhythms 03. non-sentient communication 04. the time when you are choosing to control your fate and self 05. the apparent illusion of free will 06. the prison of addiction 07. the significance of dreams 08. positive visualization 09. peace in utopia 10. varying forms of muse-ic-komm-unic-ation 11. getting to the root behind whats wrong 12. whats right and what you want

I have realized that the mode of existence that most humans inhabit is not real. There is no way for me to ignore it, I am forced to learn about what is really going on and who I really am. I do not know why I would appear to be a human, from human descent, but have such alien though and feelings .. things too vivid for communication, dreams realer than reality. I have begun to turn my back on intellectual truth, and rely on my feelings, which I feel are constructed. My thoughts are also; free will is something I am working toward, not something I possess. Recently I created proof. Paradox requires only one fact. Providence provides, and comes from impoverishment. Humanity is emasculated, all of the things in mens dreams are worthless. There is no true success in this world. There is only sedation, in one form or another. Sin is encouraged, and even the most holy cannot heal or help everyone in need. With such apparent wealth, knowledge, and abundance, it seems impossible for so many people to be lost, antisocial, violent, unhappy, uneducated, ignorant, addicted, uncultured, uncreative...

My father is the sky. My mother is the earth. My bride is the sun, the moon, and the stars. My friends are the animals and the plants. My life is a testament, to the fact that loves grows and is created through knowledge and wisdom. the self that i know is the self that changes, and will forever change, but my analysis does not change in direct response. My conditioning limits me from growing to my fullest potential, and to strip away this layer and build a new one is my current life task. All of the tools and equipment that i will need to make my dreams a reality will be given to me in the time that i will need them. my life and its conditions and the reality that surrounds them are really self-created images of the things that i will need to learn and conquer. the changing of self through many means can seem to have negative or positive benefits, but really has only positive benefits. stimulation is sedation, the slowing of time and replacing in the mind of the most important goal one should strive to achieve:

final justifications for first things.

Actualize Manifest Infinite Pondering Squandering All the time in the world This is how we stay in stasis Because a permanent psychosis is awaiting Better things are to come or Damn I remember the days when Self Disconnected and feeling the Separation A Nation of Zee asleep On Command I reCreate myself In a million Shards of Glass Taking up space that would not exist without them Then write many books about them

look around lost attention forced focus visual acuity saw that hotness it was spinnin eyes wide open stretched the limit checked the time double checked the light switch tested telepathy felt again squinted to make sure

visually verified various objects conspicuous maticulous attention payed to this interest its changing keep coordinates realize your subordinance yawn like choreographed swimming stretch left neck right nose inhale deep rose .. while giving all attention to the attention and absolute trance invocation backflip, side kick, hand stand, spin worldwind. exhale tenants. full stretched open eyed energy exposure breath in the stomach, full of the power one star aligned. more to go outside where theres quiet reside and clear signs veritable

Quietly awakening
dream poetry to fanciful exposition of my past and present living environments

not knowing where I was I opened my eyes again despite the gauze moving obstacles aside i noticed an open wide area with many flaws to the ceiling archives of uncertified quantification .. the conspiracy library doors left and right and down one glowed so i flowed in that orientation the hum .... lights. it was dark but there were so many lights it was like being in shaded artificial full moon light .. the hum was many many small engines and fans combined to sound like a turbine system .. many dead where here, interacting with these light humming beings, dancing in front of them, singing to them, talking to them, pecking information into them, requesting manners of knowledge vain and numerous in the trillions many ranges of emotion shared between these beings.

my first home, 325 convent

feeling slightly shocked, i went upstairs there were many stairs, i liked that when i was a boy i lived on the fourth floor and my uncle in the attic .. it was safer up there. my grandmother lived adjacent me. my uncle traveled. he modified. and on some early occasion so did I begin to modify.

a map of these events is very valuable to these poor souls

one day full time mappage is possible but until then

conjecture lecture

hypothetical rhinoceros make way

most of them must have been pretty uncurious, this was new york of course .. old houses that have mostly had middle class people in them.. but surrounded by an increasingly downtrodden element. the late 80's/early 90's. first memorable hallucination of falling stars i first noticed something was odd around this time. Lauri or Robin were there, and said they had x-ray glasses. I believed them. Soon after I saw white sparkles falling from the sky. and a bit of a calm surreal feeling of outside help and awareness of your self and caring. early nightmare / hallucination i rarely remember any dreams, except for maybe one that was some type of pacman semi nightmare that i awoke from fairly quickly. well, i guess the other experience could have been half dream .. but, sometime after my mother passed, i distinctly felt a shoulder on my arm, comforting me, for a few seconds. i think i turned and looked. flu hallucinations another is that when, on maybe two or more occasions, i caught the flu, and took whatever my grandmother gave

me, maybe some OTC stuff but probably rum and honey and cod liver oil. anyhow i would lay in bed hallucinating for some time. I just now noticed that they seem to always 'come from the right' - like the hallucination, which takes all of your energy of course, is on the right side. hallucination then, in pre-k, i remember not really liking tuna for some reason, even though now i eat it. my friend opened his sandwich, and saw what looked like a worm move inside of it. he ate it. later drug use, dream hallucination recently had another similar to that, from seroquel. I think its some sort of half sleep thing. I noticed that when I was in oakland on harrison in my apartment. I began to willingly experiment with dreams, partially inspired by my friend across the street. i would regularly do reality checks consisting of checking the time over and over again, making sure it didnt change, and remembering what i had been doing for the past hour or segment or since i last did a reality check. I also wrote down many dreams i had, and wrote a small web page app to record them and index them and the information in it.

most dreams were just surreal or kind of dark and not very fulfilling, like i didnt know how to move properly and such. but a couple were kind of eerie. One dream, was my mother, and I was semi lucid, but I went to the TV to find pornography .. repression/fear/guilt so back to childhood. i had little bullying in grade school, one kid who was just big and stupid and left back a lot, and also some of the people in kindergarten were really violent .. i remember having fights and the teacher doing something else also having older students assigned to watch us and doing things like sitting on us like seats. early sexuality I learned about sexuality way too young, from weird older boys who lived down the street to older girls who were supposed to be baby sitting me .. it really didnt help that neighbors were into pornography, so there was an endless supply from all over the world ... great. early drugs i first smoked pot at 12,13, or 14. We stole a bag from a renter, charlotte, who left a dime in their chest while they were on vacation.. so whatever, emptied out cigarettes (provided by grandma or charlotte) and put the pot in it and smoked it. didnt get high for a while. after kareem left, though, i smoked and felt a nice dizziness in just moving

around a little bit. i also watched the tv sideways for quite some time. after my cousin left I began to get high, basically. then, on one occasion, while listening to the wu tang cd (time stamp), i made a milk jug water bong, and while smoking, and breaking up the pot, i noticed incredible intricacy and apparent life in the pot .. i got really high, and heard subliminal tracks a the wu tang song, and thought about what it would be like to be like this all of the time. up until the time of going to rice high school i was being bullied by a kid around the corner named william. he wouldnt only hit me, he would say foul things about my mother, and it made me want to really hurt him. luckily i couldnt think through was to do it, or i might have. i once took two steak knives in my bike padding and pulled them but he ran into his apartment building, i dont know what would have happened if i had gotten in .. sometime i tried to die eating about a bottle of aspirin but it didnt seem to do anything. no one knew for some reason however i told my grandmother what was going on (rather, i dont think i trusted her to listen and actually help) it just didnt seem that she knew the importance of it in my life.

i felt like I was dealing with all of these extreme outside forces even though I resided in my parents house .. they were just too tired when not working to fully care. I recently asked my grandmother about some history: william urinating into a water bottle and shooting me in the face. to the point where his mother comes to my house, wants to smell my shirt, and proclaim that its not urine, but water, and that I should apologize I dont know if my grandmother was there, for certain, it may have been Charlotte. In any case she didn't remember. Or the fact that I was continually bullied by William. at some point i began to not be interested in TV and eating with my grandmother. It must have been getting a computer, I also had one in moreno valley. before that I used charlottes. So maybe around 14 I got internet over 9600bps with aol. immediately ran up a 2000$ phone bill because I called newark because it was 9600bps, instead of calling the 14400bps local numbers. i spent most of the next few years as a consequence of these actions. from free windows software ''warez'' to massive amounts of scammed accounts all the way to .. using unix. didnt use windows much after

that, maybe on and off, but somehow i got either a nac.net account or another before that. nac.net has moved me on, i missed a couple messages and they've destroyed my data and said the account was canceled 7 years ago and overlooked on the shell. shrug. spent a lot of time learning about security and programming. tested nasa, foreign government areas, vital services for small countries (the kind on 9600 baud connections for everywhere), and of course colleges all over the globe. North Carolina, Florida, California, Germany.. I'd been there before I'd left New York. Anyhow on to the basement. The stairs are pretty steep, winding, with a rail that doesnt seem to have been designed with support in mind. always wanted to jump the banner to get down one floor quickly. never did. ran ... jumping 2-4 stairs depending on how many people were home or at the door. Downstairs had many energies. The entrance, an area to separate that from the main welcoming area, kind of like a decontamination chamber. The vestibule Going down you would reach the entrance to the laundry and storage rooms, or the main living room.

then the backyard. the basement definitely had other spirits in it. the storage room was always congested; few occasions allowed me in there to climb on many things or find odd old equipment. i watched tv in the living room, sometimes made really weird foods out of boredum, played in the backyard, climbed the one skinny tree2-3 stories high ... my favorite place was the roof usually. quiet, no ones there, just lay back and look at the stars .. and of course throw eggs at chinese students walking by, occasionally. school ends After some weeks of being bullied by some kid in my school, whos main focus was my hair which was either afro or braided, i rushed him and wanted to hurt him but didnt. later on the principle told me that i should apologize to him (or we apologize to each other) and a light went on in my head. I realized how disconnected from their students everyone in this school was, and how unmotivated most of the kids were ... i said fuck it, didnt apologize, and didnt go back to school. now i type fast and make music and can talk to spirits and demons in altered states of many flavours. go figure.

one major event in my early childhood was going to karate class at the YMCA on 125 st, and having this uncomfortable feeling so not going into it. Probably would have changed my entire life .. odd sleeping patterns after dropping out of 9th grade, I remember periods where I was extremely angry and yelling at my grandmother. I also remember times when I would not sleep for days and days, maybe a week. I mainly was on the internet, and had very good focus at that point. dad steps in Sometime in 96 or 97 I began to meet my fathers side of the family. First Lanell. His first few words to me was 'so youre the crazy one'. This was after I had dropped out of school. Then, one day my father called. Hello, this is Frederick Wilson, may I speak to Helen Terry? I knew who it was. Anyhow we met soon after and their impressions of me were that I was lazy and messy, and that was about it. He still hardly lets me touch his computers. So, its kind of like, forced adoption? Not even voluntary, the feelings between us and Brenda. short time in oakland went to a continuation high school there, got good grades but was constantly battling energy levels, until I started slowly smoking pot up until the day I got so high I walked into class, vibrated for a little bit, then walked home in a stupor. I saw things.

A map, not quite visual, but like a thought-pathway. How many things could have many results and causations. I slept for nearly a day after this. I awoke to a lecture by my father, stating that I need to live somewhere else, which would be with my uncle in redlands, socal. I remember having a few anger bursts related to how obscenely they treated me at times. an auspicious event This event would mark my gradual ascent into higher consciousness Time after this is a bit blurry But, I went to my uncles house, probably did nothing, maybe smoked some pot? I dont know. I remember largest amount of work in the drug career was in NY, when I and Kareem had lots of money to just waste .. finally found out how to get drunk without getting sick .. got high and high over and over again .. I dont know what made this happen, Kareem came with the newports, because the people who were giving him a ride in Virginia smoked .. he eventually picked up. Not like a bad guess it would happen, since everyone in our family smoked, right in front of us.

hallucination One hallucination I had while here involved being alone in the four story house, and hearing my grandmother call for dinner from the living room downstairs. Also, lying in bed after smoking some good brown weed, I lay and watched tryptamine hallucinations on the back of my eyelids. Also, after waking with a horrible hangover, and having to go somewhere, my cousin brought me back some pot, and we had the greatest experience that day .. feeling so good and confident and full of fun and joy made me question why I felt so 0bad most of my life. the next phase after this I went back to keiths, and almost stopped smoking so much pot and tobacco, but my uncle smoked, and instead of asking him for one (I was 18 ...) I took most of his buts and rolled them in newspaper ... I took a few puffs and was dizzy for about 20 minutes. I was soon called to do a job at the Used Computer Store in Berkely.

During this period my relations with fred and brenda werent too great. I started by living there, but eventually got tired of them imposing stupid rules like (dude. i've been working on this for a while, it should be finish soon. if i finish it, when i come home it will be much farther and I will have an advantage). But no, they want me to go to sleep. NOW!! NOW!@^&R!$@! NOW!!@ I eventually blew up and yelled like they did and they couldnt take it, so I moved out. At least i had lots of money to waste on many motels and hotels, Ha Ha. Eventually Brenda found me an apartment across the street from one of her temporary co-workers, Laura. We smoked lots of pot, and on one fateful day, after trying to get pot from McArther on the street for 50$, and instead having the cops come and hold me for an hour or more because I had a pipe, I went to Lauras to see if she had any pot. She said she didnt, but gave me an eighth of mushrooms to consume alone. She was hanging with a friend. first trip I layed in bed suicidal most of the time. There was a big window next to me, and I was on the fourth floor. My computer also simply stopped powering up, and I was forced to listen to Crystal Method (perfect.) and some other albums over and over again. Sometime after this event (about 3 months into

the job) I just stopped going to work. Me and Lauras relationship developed over a mushroom trip. It was odd; i would go over there, smoke pot, and be completely quiet, nothing would go through my mind to do or say. After tripping together and me hinting that I wanted to have sex with her, she began to show more interest and some months later we did, which was nice since I was a virgin and pretty scared of any type of female interaction. She turned out not being very stable and getting pretty paranoid and moving back to live with her parents, as far as I can remember. During that time I also experienced extended periods of psychosis, believing something along the lines that I was jesus, or just a really powerful person. I would get many fanciful ideas that would pass just after they came, to keep me chasing them .. I began reading lots about religion, and dreams, and food, and a lot of things seemingly automatically changed in my self. I became vegan for quite some time, studied my dreams, had very weird experiences related to that - beyond traveling, going places and getting future time/dates, being in houses and reading addresses on the mail, in wisconson. I also had some that were not pleasant. In one dream I heard an odd

noise coming to my door .. I opened my eyes to see a very tall person pushing a cart, I'd assume a shopping cart, and they were homeless. It was an eerie feeling dream though. I also had some states between waking and sleep, where I thought I was awake, but had a hard time moving, or looking around, and sometimes would hear weird things like rats near by that, but I couldnt tell where. meditation and hallucination During this time I also would meditate for around 15 minutes at a time. I would just be calm, and watch all of my thoughts, but try and not engage them. It worked, after a while, I would feel very calm and highly aware of my breath. I would do this in certain postures sitting up (on my dads chair) and sometimes laying down. Since I would fall asleep I often did this in bed. Once while listening to music, and meditating while laying down, I began to hear many voices just in front of my head, just inaudible I jumped up, and They disappeared. years pass I lived homeless in Santa Barbara for a year or more too. My uncle did the same things and my dad, just got unreasonable at unexplained times and just wanted to be right, which meant projecting fear and guilt onto

whoever was around .. I couldnt deal with it, and we almost physically fought because he wouldnt let me take my brand new bike with me. Anyhow thats where my hair began to grow. It was a small afro for quite some time. During the streets of SB, I did a couple of web sites, kand also went to a very nice outdoor rave, where there was a metour shower, and mushroom tea ... dreams / demons I had a few memorable dreams here. Lying in my bed, the door opened on the right, and I heard the clicking of a pen. It got faster and faster as whatever it was moved closer to my bed. Just as he was near my left ear, he said, in a demonic voice, something about the devil, our lord and savor He then set my bed on fire. Another dream involved the same room, though it opening up and someone flying down from the sky and grabbing me and taking me with [her]. Later .. I walked into what was the bathroom, but was now a garage, and drove off in a hummer Another dream involved waking up, and noticing that EVERYONE was gone. I was in a room with maybe 4 single beds. I walked outside, felt deserted. I ran for a while. I THINK I saw one

other person jogging, but now this memory is very old. I ran some time. Then I awoke to see a video game screen. "The Matrix Online - Press Start". Then I really woke up. In one, I was looking into what was like a bathroom mirror, but maybe the bathroom went to the left. My hair was quite thick, dreaded, and past my shoulders. Not really like it is now. But I also remember having this really long endeavor involving what was like peers, driving places, doing things. Waking up to nothing. Once, in chicago, I left the airport, and was wondering around trying to find the right place to leave from. I had my bags. I ran into a group of kids, and they said some things, then slit my wrist. I woke up feeling my wrist hurting for a few moments. I also had a dream, while sleeping outside, that seemed like it was from the beach - things from the sky shooting down, space ships, lasers, bombs. Los Angeles I eventually persuaded a friend in L.A. to let me stay for several months. There I amassed my .. 3rd large music collection, also movies, played lots of Quake 3. Wrote some poetry, and some programs, but all of that stuff was lost. I had a Picturebook, and it had lots of data on it (well, it may have only needed to

survive one paragraph .. more later) but it had a weird quirk where it would reboot randomly based on what part of the hard drive was being used .. rarely lost MOST data, but certain things seemed to be very volatile. The experience of the time was induced by smoking a joint out of a gravity bong, after having not smoked regularly for quite some time. My lungs broke. I coughed my thighs up. Along with my heart. I felt dead for about 5 minutes. Then numb for 10. Then stratosphere. Watching the bootleg of SWEPII, the story began to be based around me, but limitedly, the possibilities that were in the room, mainly some chick and my friend steve. After this event I google searched for 'transcend the mind' and came upon the work discussing the principals of the mind. Definitely not my main work; those were found in SB last period, from the library, and lost in LA . . . I had a few surreal dreams; one when I was sleeping on his couch. I awoke on the couch, looked around, and decided to wake up, since I was knew I was dreaming. Though when I awoke, I was on his couch. This proceeded several times. The last time, I either got up and

left the apartment or was just in a very dark place, with lots of bad looking people just sitting around - kind of like a dark new york 125th with all the store gates closed and graffitied on. Nothing happened, I was then in another place which seemed near Steves; I think I was running for a bus or something. I eventually awoke. Heard my first gun shots, after having lived in NY and Oakland .. this was in Gardena, near Crenshaw. Right across the street, got up, looked out the window, saw some dude run out of a house near the corner into a car and speed off. Since being in bakersfield its a little more common than that, usually from the south. more recently After leaving Steves I lived in Oakland for a bit in a motel. It was great. There was a crack dealer across the hall (we were in the basement) who threw rocks out of his window all day. Also smoked lots of pot, and I smoked with him occasionally;

also rapped a little bit. Around these events I began to twist my hair after leaving the shower, while it was still wet. I had no intention of doing it, or no fore-thought, just kind of did it. Put on a hair net and walked to my dads, feeling really dangerous, looking just like any other stupid thug, with a little anger to boot. writing It was there that I wrote 'The Valley of Awareness'. I awoke and looked on my computer (still the picturebook) and found it in a text file. I do not remember conceiving or writing it. hallucination I was very high, I knew, and decided to close my eyes and see if I could see through them. To my surprise I saw faint blue outlines, kind of like electricity, of my fingers when I held them in front of me. No matter where I moved them the visualization (?) was accurate. This experience happened a couple of times after that, up to the time when I moved to the room on Harrison.

undue trauma My landlord was named Lou and smoked crack. Though we didnt find that out until after living with him for a few weeks. He was kind of into organic food and a pretty nice guy otherwise. After finding out that he liked to corner people and scream at the top of the lungs to express himself I should have moved out. To where ... after he did this to me, while waving a bottle, and flashing his neck like a target symbol (flexilegs), I left to find my parents. He proceeded to lock me out, when I remembered that vital things like a sweater and phone card were still in my room. So I go to my parents house, see they are not home (it was two blocks away on Kempton), I came back, and unable to get in, I threw a rock through the window. At least, thats what I thought I did, I kind of blacked out for a moment ... next thing I noticed my hand was cut, as I had more of punched through the window. I then kicked the door in,

retrieved my belongings and went to call my parents. It was days before I realized that I had severed a tendon - I could actually type ok until it just started not responding and hurting. Trying to get my dad to realize the urgency and importance of the event was fruitless, he ended up going somewhere else and me not contacting him due to some misunderstandings. So leaving Oakland, I went back to Santa Barbara ... On to Ojai Arriving at my uncles place I knew it wouldnt last very long. A few days at most. My grandmother seemed concerned and flew out to see us; I think this was around our birthdays actually. I was turning 23. I stayed with her in the motel for a while. We had no transportation except for Keith. After she left I had a hard time believing that I had one day left to leave the hotel. I was late in leaving, they actually thought it bright to call the police to escort me out.

We had a talk on the phone, which I remember clearly. I told her it seemed that something crazy HAD to happen in order for these people (parents/friends) to understand that something indeed very cruel was happening right before their eyes which they were taking no part in. I told her that it seemed something violent would have to happen, I would kill my self, or hurt someone, and all of a sudden it would be a "problem" ... Of course she had gotten me all types of clothes and other junk so I had a big duffle bag with me. I took a cab to my uncles place. After walking the rest of the way(?) I waited in Keiths yard for him to come out. I dont remember exactly what happened; but it had to do with my Grandma taking my words as saying I was going to kill my self; my uncle saying if I wanted to kill my self he had a loaded gun, he may have even given it to me with a bullet in it, then smoking some pot, but he called the police before hand. They were trying to make sure I was ok. The police were. They wanted to put me in the hospital for a few days. These events blew my mind. I left my bag and began walking. All I had was a digital recorder that Keith gave me, which was taken by Jano whos in Las Vegas now ... I walked south west, toward the beach, and through montecito, and

then stuck to the train tracks. By the time I was near the road to Santa Barbara and the Highway, I was weary and tired but didn't have anything to turn back to so I kept walking, even though it was getting pretty dark and the road was much darker. Walking this road, I found some skate park that had a box of lost items, and confiscated a jacket. I walked and walked .. pretty much all of the night. I eventually reached an area where a car had driven down into a gully, around from a u-turn. I went through it for a moment, then tryed to nap .. almost minutes later a mexican came trying to get it. I had only taken the papers, I think I gave them back. half sleep hallucinations I kept walking, and by mid day I was so tired I was sitting on some stone passing in and out of waking consciousness. Where I would go was weird, it was a place full of voices and action. After walking for another hour or so I was finally picked up by a guy named Alex and his friend who was driving. He said I looked like someone he knew. He dropped me off behind the arcade and bought me a smoothie and split. It turned out that he was an MC and had a setup .. we never got to work

together though. In Ojai I walked around for years, between the parks, the library, the arcade, and various homeless stash spots. I met lots of people too. I stayed with Scott Japhe for a bit after helping him sign some petition and serve it. That didn't last long, the guy was less wound than I was and would eventually be in jail for some time for stalking. At least what I heard. He however did introduce me to Jano, and I stayed there for several months, in Meiners Oaks on Felix. He had lots of computers, and I set a lot of them up for him, into a pretty nice network named Janonet. Got pictures. Anyhow there I created my 4th large music collection, most of which is gone again. The time there passed without incident until October 2003. I had gotten a prepaid cell phone. I was writing little ideas into it. On one occasion, hanging out with Terry and Mike in their trailer, we smoked crystal. I also snorted some. I got really high almost instantly. With that much energy, all 3 of us just kind of moved around that small area for a bit. I then got onto a computer and wrote "A WARNING OF HOPE". I saved it into disc. Then Mike bent over the computer, and poured his beer into it.

After that I began to key 'Meticulous Maneuverings' on my cell phone. We left and went to some store, while obviously highly tweaking, and I kept writing whenever I had a chance.

A month later, I wrote something on my phone concerning freestyling. "Perfection through infinite possibilities" was a line that had been in my head for some time while I was at Jano's. A WARNING OF HOPE [kinda fast, nonstop]

WARNING: to practice positive projection provides parental protection and leads in a practical direction focusing potential directing some energy detecting ones limited separation from perfection escapes detection subtle misdirection in case of emergency remember natural selection a million seeds released singularity creates imperfection surrounded by space for miles ....

to practice positive projection provides potential protection from negative thought misdirection false seed injection prematurely ejected from essence a singularity pressured into death sent a life unreal abnormal insufficient when a real scenes felt then memories short circuit and world views melt into valuable trinkets from the bodega around the corner i remember when there used to be metal on the window of my house barring the outside from me but supposed to keep the crack fiends out and fiending a cycle unbroken a life forsaken left needing nothing but a wooden box and enough dirt to cover the wretched wreak of the weak with a peak voice unheard by the meek what kind of language do they speak? [processing a billion thoughts in parallel] processing thoughts of a million souls leaves no room for error or insubordination but my fear doesnt seem like it should be included in this calculation how can there be separation amongst an organism nation state so great anger instead of salvation a sweet tempting salivation swallowed in desperation with total awareness of the final destination total focus on the final destination for absolute reconsiliation i make up my self determination

to find the final destination and the precise sector of origination i walk forward towards my final destination and rotate my insulation so that i may be warmed by the final destination i walk forward. towards the final destination. i walk forward. and thats the thanks i get. consciously aware of a terribly painful sensation with the same number of syllables as that in the words which side genocide homicide suicide was my substitute lover but there is no replacement for death no other right written by the left hand taken out of your hand while you werent looking you could have been gripping your nutts to prove you've gotem or grabbing your piece to prove that you've shot one focusing potential directing some energy detecting ones limited separation from perfection escapes detection subtle misdirection in case of emergency remember natural selection a million seeds released singularity creates imperfection surrounded by space for miles .... consciously aware of a terribly painful sensation

with the same number of syllables as that in the words which side genocide homicide suicide was my substitute lover but there is no replacement for death no other right written by the left hand swiped from your casual grip with a smile you are a number and you've been for a while how are you i am 7 i shine yellow style bright and tall and you can see your reflection in my eyes if you stare long enough if your mind is strong enough i'll take you on a ride im sure the drivers wont mind just follow me i wont get left behind just hold my hand i'll show you that you were blind to the true color of an orange rind before it was peeled and removed from spherical perfection it collided a minor glitch its been reprogrammed its still destined to merge with the promise land and align the invisible energies with the stones in the sand and even throw atlantis in there if you can big foot saw it jfk can im creating a conspiracy against the collection conforming im seeing around me dia rea with power to stain any young ones brain too subtle flowing right through your sharpened perception withered and worn when time exhales little particles detached but attached right in the center invisible indivisible and its all right now.

spread through experiencing eaten voraciously with not so much as a burp to escape you thought it was invisible but i see it ITS RIGHT THERE MAN DONT YOU SEE IT? ITS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!! but even when you record it you'll see the same nothing as later if you're not extorting the all supreme and powerful thought generator with chemical black mail fantastic dreams and or fantasies of the white snail always late to burn large green bales under a sky of softball sized hale just another thing to worship distracting from the most important person OR thing but this is definitely not the place or time for that sort of thing thoroughly hypnotized by the pendulum swing but viewing the stoppage before it occurs sort of a positive projection towards imbalance and a break in the ceaseless perfection with a profound BOOM creating white capped clouds of mushrooms where civilizations

used to be

where god used to be but they got used to me not being there absentmindedly purveying fear i can only take this for 2000 years the fire is born fueled by my tears internally bleeding what i see brings me to tears i cry inside internally alive burning and trying to stretch to grow to expand to evolve but it wont i dont know why it dont

i can only hope.

Here we are again, in the middle of the circle, but tell me, where have we not been? Performing the origin forensics, we will grow together right now And begin by facing east, away, from the thievery corporation I believe in lies that nobody has told me, and when I go to see my parents, they always try and hold me, saying I've been sneaking something in, or smuggling something anything out, so they perform a full cranium cavity search, and open up my scalp, but nothings ever found, because the information is tucked neatly in my drum, and they never think to look there I've been searching for a day thats crystal clear, and when I find it I'll perform the ritual,

and try and go back But the gate is guarded by fools with big guns, so automatically I run, and come to a field thats open and wide, but the sun is shining brightly burning a hole in my side, and at night I can never seem to hide, because the moon releases the animal from inside Delusional by day Neurotic by night

I feel hungry but I ate, cool but its hot, sitting here pondering a plot. Im acting tired but Ive slept, look at what I've kept, hidden in a box below my rot. My neck is tied in a knot. Figuring those who have less, and those who have not, thinking of all the things that I have gotten, a tree so spoiled and rotten, but still thriving none the less, cursed to be living and blessed to be the best, so I'd guess .. when I am the best I am the best, when Im the worst I am the worst, so whats it you? what do you care? I'd just plug in and logon and watch all the pretty lights glow, and request to know what they know, a quest proceeding so slow ..

So I grow antenny by the minute, hoping to connect to something intelligent and exquisite, beyond all time, with the power to straighten my spine,

and make breathing easier,for my breathren, we are at war ...

We're only chemically connected to be seriously introspective amongst the static to the masses who have elected the final vote shall be collected

though some are naturally selected and the truth shall be detected and then presented ignorance as their objective and the earth will be protected

2:07 AM 3/5/2008 on the surface none of these words will have any lasting meaning. the lasting idea is one that is unknowable, only hinted at, only grasped for.

All connected by a faulty memory, both short and long term, focused on for random, usually very brief periods, viewed by changing values of self, often rationalized by fallacious inclinations..

.lick the blade.

i dont even know what faculties i am using right now. this communication seems different than my internal and vocal dialogs. are the ideas different? or the wording? the organization? the presentation?

Maybe the feeling of not being caught is created by the fact that no one seems to notice, and also articulate and sympathize, with what is going on with me. As far as I can determine, and thats saying a lot because I bet a lot of our communications are hit and miss, with a lot of missing things being filled in by unquestioned and automatic facilities.

Anyway now I remember, psychedelics a few months ago, aged, and I licked the blade, and I don't believe that I was caught. But I was definitely cut, these words stain.. maybe not of a good quality; the onset was very speedy, but the come down wasn't as unpleasant as the last trip, which was highly exceptional; but was also a cumulative effect from two sources. I don't quite know how I got here, or what is really going on right now, or the implications of it all, but I have some ideas .. Many, many, ideas. Many, many, fragments. Many sources of inspiration, both deviate and positive. Formed over many different moods and mental capabilities and mind states, usually with little allowance for this critical fluctuation. So that may be it; which means this stint has a definite cause and will end (its been a couple of months). But the problem is, I can't remember feeling a whole lot better; I seem to be gaining awareness of my shortcomings and misbehaviours. Maybe that is natural, its just that, sitting in a van, day in and out, not speaking to anyone, except for J, who I mostly loathe appearing, and not really understanding the process, especially when some

quite disturbing behaviours are broached upon, can be terrifying.

So I licked the blade, I tasted the fruit, it was exquisite. On a side note. Maybe a thousand people pushing against the

I do know that being this close to feeling suffocated by thoughts has made me realise that my habits promote this disorganization and suffering.

wall will make it crumble; I guess I became one of those people. Theres definitely something fishy about the whole world, once you've gone through this experience. Was it always like that?

I keep coming up on the question, why would I punish, attempt to destroy, and neglect, my own self? I have an answer but it seems that I can't hold on to it consciously; its for the unconscious.

No one will ever know, all the uninitiated will ever have is a viral thought pattern and various promises.

It began in 2001, and I was incredibly delusional afterwood; I'll return to that subject though. from an 'overdose'. I was separated from anyone else to an extent that no one noticed; I don't really know how much my 2:26 AM 3/5/2008 looking at the tone of this, its like im crying out for help, but is this the right place? in the right way? do distress calls fall under such criteria? So delusional now means some random, often reality piercing thought, that builds on assumptions and seems to carry some my keyboard has lots of dust/hair/seeds/rice in it and isn't working well. its really cold, my window is broken, and im out of ganj. importance, often disrupting any other processes of thought or perception, and promising some reward for pursuing it and resolving it. will begin to increase the amount of personal risks i take. the things that cause instant 'ego' displeasure. behavior changed, but I think it was substantial enough; though no one even knew what I was like months prior really ..

.don't get caught.

You can't believe how incredibly distracted I am, my focus has been effectively destroyed, at least *right now* and for the duration of the last session I can recall ..

Oh. Ok. So its like the confused looking glass. I go about trying to control my thoughts, in order to perform certain actions, but that is just the opposite of what I should be doing.

But through it all [pauses for a lastbowltoke] Well that was fascinating. Where were we? Helloo... everybody...

The thoughts are relics of ancient bad habits. The actions are a result of that * chaos.

Ok I figured it all out. (This is a common sensation in deluded states).

If I were to perform certain tasks and actions, scheduled and with regularity, my thoughts would be shaped by the imposed order.

I don't leave my van very much. Highly unconfident, about my appearance, and communication and social skills. This is now. I do have places I could go, at least temporarily, and maybe through that time longer durations of activity can be sought

The idea is to perform these tasks while disregarding any thoughts counterwise. Soon a principle guiding these 'right' tasks will be identified, making growth easier.

I think as a child if these habits are not ingrained in behavior Anyway its floating in and out of my mind right now, hold on.. (tilts head to side to get better reception) As an adult you will have more choice over your acquirement of when difference identifies with the comparisons the image being changed by its own reflection oil? conditioning; you will also have to work against and possibly unlearn other conditions; which, once understood should flow with relative smoothness. it must be done as an adult. It is not a bad thing, as it seems.

the mind goes about "thinking" about how something will work.

SO could this be a majority of the problem? Most definitely, as a seed of negative or ineffective behavior is planted early in the child it can grow to the worst nightmare ..

images of neo making calls they come up common

seven sectors of hell i am a number and i rebelled

The world is full of synchronicity.

and left lights for those to blaze tracks i pave roads don't blink back the bass snaps

Unfortunately for me it is distracting, as I notice it regularly, and it incites responses of awe at the interconnectedness of all, but also some affirmation to an aspect of delusional thought, something spiritual, something religious ..

as lies tell

Would you rather have a fixed personality,

I'm really sorry I ate that neurotoxin but it was tasty and shiny .. :( So I'll write more on that, but first I must consolidate what I've written here. (Too much written and ignored..)

never abuse a full moon

thought they had me cornered but i wall ran into a tic tac had them astonished and then i flipped back into the same place that i had started, trick repeat retreat and their faces looked like somebody had farted, i contemplated while departing will this be a regular occurrence, i mean, will it happen often? just when i thought i blinked then dodged a dart then, hid behind a big ol' car then, started fumbling for the button

I have been here before. Asking these same questions, making the same statements. I don't even know what to say anymore, that hasnt been said. Who was listening? Who remembered? Who changed in response? Its voice will increase naturally. Ok. From what I remember: Every day is the test, every day is the battle, the quest. Every day brings forth many amazing possibilities, that are available when you deviate from your norms. Exp in szchat I have learned very much in several years. 1. Breath be conscious of your breath, and breath deeply 2. Relax relax and watch or scan your body for tension or stress 3. Don't worry clear your mind. try and think nothing, or breath, or relaxation these techniques prepare you for and take your body closer to trance doing this 3 times a day, as sort of a ritual, is healing and cleansing.

the body is actually very sensitive; those who cannot feel are often over-saturated. heavy food and little physical exertion similarly will keep a person imbalanced. karma accumulates through sensefull action; karma decreases through senseless non-action. it seems that control of your own life is dictated by external, unpredictable, but definitely powerful and unknown, forces. my psychotic and pre-psychic experiences are not highly abnormal; as more share their own experiences through the internet we are seeing this come true. what is inconsistent is the vocabulary used to discuss such issues. i have been reading a book by george jaidar, which discusses the acquisition of culture and its effects and implications. he creates a new framework for this essay, using old words in new, defined ways and creating new words in addition. as our own american and euopean societies admit to the logic in these ancient, but apparently new ways, more and more will be helped, help, and decrease suffering.

It was just me, tricking my self, so that I could trick you better! Sometimes that seems to be the only plausible explanation ... I am amazed with my recent writing. I will try and continue writing. I feel better about your energy now. I must look back at our exchanges to see what happened because it doesn't usually seem to work either way. Maybe we knew something back then. That no one else knew as clearly as we did. Romance is one thing but destiny is greater. God has truly blessed me to feel such power from you but not wish to be attached. A friend; a wonderful way to view such proceedings. Thinking about the women I've been with I remember not consciously feeling and deciding on what I wanted between us or what I felt for her until it resulted in sexual distress. Love at first sight isn't the same when its a guy and you're straight. Me and Terry and Jake and Andrei and to an extent Kyle all shared that the first time we interacted We have similar rhythms. Similar minds. Different social conditions. Intertwined fates. A family outside of blood. I have been planning on making this change for several years now. I believe I will be happier and more successful, keeping in mind a few variables. The support just isn't around. (Nor was it the time) Words alone are more than enough. We'll always make art and if we could share that it would be super. Why, pray tell, can they read your words but not feel your voice? So much more of the power is available to them in this way. I wonder if this influence is genuine; I pray that it is used in a positive and constructive manner. When becoming my self I have to fight my ego so strongly. Arrogance, I guess I am that,

but for so long I have not liked it that I thought it was someone else. You would have to live one perfect day, and share it, or record it, to know later that it was enlightenment.

To live life without you would mean to search for, in every single persons eyes, what I could not see in my self, alone. When they were not able to reflect my radiance, I would feel empty and a failure. I have looked for this beauty, first in the form of my missing father (is that him? on the subway) then for what I suppose is to be my mother. Though I am not so silly to be doing that in the waking, I still look for validation and acceptance in each and every womans eyes, returned Only through communication and heart have I survived. All else has been shipped off to the reck already, and there are few that would care to retrieve it. I cry for our life alone, too many years, and wait for the day when I can go into a dream and wonder what would have happened if I had stayed near you after our school experience.

A whole lot of writing just got erased. It happens to damn much. Maybe I'm not writing enough. Maybe I'm just not writing the right things. I'm tired of re-writing. It was just a few paragraphs. Ok, I'm feeling very artistic, but tired, and heavy, because of the heavier food/ life I began living, and a bit annoyed, maybe because my car has been getting 'detailed' for the past 5 hours. Also really odd sexual urges, out of absolutely nowhere. All of the women around are exceptionally beautiful. The kids are so wonderful, the little girls so special. This friend of mine, our friendship, it will be hard, so very few women get to remain my friends, and I really can say that I hate depravity due to repression.

Each letter comes out different, from the same source, at a different time. Each was aligned for me, before I thought, after my typo. How can I be judged for my own words when they are anything but that. I have been working on not being here, being in a place of no-awareness and feeling the subtle pulls of consciousness on my soul. For me to take my self seriously I would have to know who I was taking and where. I don't trust my self; thats what I'm here for. He is way too unpredictable. I don't even know a lot of the things that I know. How can you judge me? When I remember some of the things I've done, or read about it from my own sources, or am told, it is usually a bit of a surprise. I have to fix that, it is very displeasing and displacing. While I plan on cultivating focus I will continue to write these fragments of mine. If you wan't a book you have one, just be prepared to help further the cause.

Its easy, flows like water. Tastes like candy. All mind.

On this summer solstice I was hopeless very homeless and with no destination But beyond my wildest dream lies the explanation right or wrong And this last winter solstice I was thrust into a large magnetic electronic field and my calculations had too much energy overriding my imagination reminding me of my dissatisfaction with stimulation i wasnt alone but lived in solitude with no clue but to follow through with this information But then on the first spring solstice I was born left with no, mother to mourn and I guess never did so I write a song to be bottled and sank, for fishes to drink, but never fully digested my attention span is invested in the entire world and its origin I didnt go to look but It found me tryed to drown me, in the senseless rational of an infant oh so beautiful never made a sound just stared back at me with concentration fueled by an amazing energy like I was the glitch the anomaly born from separation a wild imagination is all i've ever had to navigate designated mad computer hacker number one i feel as if my work in this place will never be done nomad

[i didnt want to write something depressing. but its seeping!] its friday night. 20 cop cars are racing to save someone or stop something. my phone is dead. my browser is slow. these are the things that go on. i am going to go smoke. my dad decided to play devils advocate for every conversation we had, and it is a form of replies that agitate me, especially from my dad and uncle, that gets our talks absolutely nowhere. each comment deviated further and further from some form of conclusion being formed. brb. i am dizzy. lsd is bad. life is good. at least its life as always. i feel pulled through some infinite maze by some unknown powerful force into apparent dead end after dead end, each as surprising as the first time. each promising exit. what is outside of the matrix? Only those who know can tell .. And those who have told forever embedded their knowledge of the experience of the higher places into communication serving as markers. No way was this real ya'll. What is real? Why argue about right now or then? It is above our feeble minds yet some will still argue that point. The pinpoints in the sky that some can see know more of our selves than we know of them. Their knowing is not transient like our minds or their positions but eternal like their glow and force. DNA is interesting. At each replication it increases its responses to the environment. Some species reproduce at much higher rates; can these species be more spiritually evolved than us? Are ants

really the iceberg tips of infinite beings? Why do I even really care? What I really care about is the location of my mind. This mind has an experience naturally like no other, but true definition will set it apart in further dimensions. Like the spectrum of the rainbow the human mind and its regulation can be represented by a curve; multi-dimensional of course but for relation marked by low and high. It can help to place so-called extremes at the end and beginning of this curve. Manic to depressed the world seems open to closed. The pores feverishly suck in nutrients or they are clogged and overflowing. The light is almost too bright to see well or absent to the extent of using hands and smell. In the middle, to an extent, most peoples level lay. Slight variation over the short term, with natural curving variation over time. Almost a predictable schedule, though not so because of the many day to day influences that can cause slow or abrupt changes. Mania is hyperactivity, overstimulation, more coffee and speed. Beyond that, or possibly, with that energy channeled, lay spaces of consciousness where higher frequencies are definitely experienced. Hallucinations and delusions, seeds of energy from these other planes, are experienced as an unseating in this transitory place. Each thought has some value though without focus deviation can happen almost mid-sentence It often does. Anxiety is almost an emotional rumbling, a general feeling of being

uncomfortable wherever you are, in whatever situation you are in. Certain things seem to stop it, or displace it from view temporarily. The body and mind are said to be separate in distinct ways. I have a bad cough and must go enhance it. Ok that was not too bad. Hash has its good hits. Addiction is an interesting phenomena also. Another body must be served through a known action of empty consumption. It drives and directs my life and I'm not too upset about that. The struggle of power is interesting to view. The modification is inevitable, dependency may be permanent. Or there may be underlying proponents, whose visibility has eluded us all. I dont even know what I've written to a large extent. Memories .. some so strong and vivid and others obviously buried at varying depths. The tip of the iceberg theme again. Some that resurface over and over again and others that return only at the oddest moments. Our memory is quite infallible; if that is so then who is to know what really happened? How many people does it take to agree, and further, how many people to _record_ what is actual fact? With so many accounts and influences .. Certainty is a tool used by the devil. I'm over it. I trust what a plant tells me. Nothing is truer. What karma this was. Certainly not developed during this lifetime. It seems to be accelerating. More and more risks traded for more and more apparent value. Is it worth it? To drive faster in a lighter car with bags of air to protect you should anything falter?

Greater rewards for greater power and in turn greater influence for the better or worse. The worst is not assumed; the best is sought At worst lives will be lost and fortunes displaced and things irreplaceable will be destroyed. Minds will go into loops and dig holes to hide in, never to show their fuller selves again until some special tool is utilized. The more I write and see the same things around me I wonder if its worth anything. I would not turn it off however. I have worked all of my life to be so inspired and purposeful and there was no going back, barring some really extreme circumstances where extended control was lost with no record. This is spiritual channeling and I don't even feel it anymore though I remember the first day I truly felt it; an unmistakable feeling. The feeling of being given candy or crack for the first time, in increasing amounts. Until you were given the motherload .. I remember writing it; though I still interpret it. I remember more the absence of remembering the source or inspiration or actual moment-to-moment transcribing. Somehow I wrote down the perfect buzz.

the names and faces have changed but the souls have remained the same

its like while we go through out life people will come and go we will share great times and we will be alone on our own paths only in the end will we really be able to be together as one, as a family and those moments that we share may they last forever in memory and heart because i'll see you again only in the end only in the end will be really be able to come together and until then we'll be running around doing whatever taking our own paths and our own courses how they connect and how they abort its the orders

only in the end will we really be able to come together and until then we'll be, uhh, fightin the weather doin whatever takin our own paths and our own courses how we reflect and how we divorce its the gorgeous interactions we have day in and day out how they flow and how they play out what the people had to say bout his life and how it weighed out workin day in and day out lookin for a way out but only in the end will we ever be sittin here chillin back comfortably circumstances heavenly weather it be one two or three of me or seven in a family the man in me, multiplyin holographically universally mathmatically bringin wisdom to this tragedy cuz only in the end will we ever be sittin back stage sippin bubbly situation lovely discussion much of nothin with enthusiasm and im lovin it

discoverin the covenant, while peering deep into your soul through your eyes seein jewels and the gold that you hide and you hold only in the end will be really be able to come together and until then we'll be running around doing whatever taking our own paths and our own courses how they connect and how they abort its the orders

All that I can know is that all knowledge is transitory; and if all knowledge is transitory then that is all that I know;

There are things that will always change; And there are things that will never change;

I am that which never changes. What is What? Who is the Knower?

"the caged bird sings to get payed, main example: the jails don't exist, ask a demon ..." - qwel

"a logical loophole. the context undermines the premise."

This is concerning perception and the senses and not much more. It is copied from the writings of Chillymonk on Wikispaces. The context will be indistinguishable in your imagination. If you have experience with which to draw upon you may recall it now. If you were properly guided when you first experienced ........

-- the most private thing i'm willing to admit I believe that I create a large degree of reality. What I perceive is mostly overwhelming and often distorted in transit, so I fill in a great deal if what I receive. The key ideas filled in are mainly from my own sub-conscious fantasy of being left alone and abandoned. Other inspirations are that I am lesser, different, or better, than anyone else, but there are quite a few that I am identifying. Im slowly coming to wonder if everyone is like this.

I find humility in not always trusting my own senses and instincts, memories and expectations. Free will is yet to be determined. -- from desire to perception thought -> action -> habit -> destiny this is further explained in the book
__The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People__ by Steven Covey,

sow a thought, reap an action, sow an action, reap a habit, sow a habit, reap a destiny. (ego) -> desire -> thought -> action -> habit -> destiny (my expansion) Noticing a lack, of _something_, you grasp, for the self, to benefit it, and it wells up, it becomes imperative, repeating, to where you must express it greater, clearer. you begin to create various scenarios in which this loss can be filled, in many ways, and you begin to see, the ways in which what you are now examining, can be what you need, you see it more, and more, until it becomes _there_.. this process is generally the beginning, but absent is the consideration that after all of this transpires we have a _choice_ in following through with all of this, but that expression of choice, is far, very far down the chain of self-communication and perception, however to us it appears to be primal, original. as those things are acted in more and more, reinforced, they become habitual actions and perceptions and beliefs about

what is going on. this creates a destiny, also a viewpoint of your relation and estimation of what it is you are perceiving. finally, it creates a grander image of your self and your environment. the process expands further. before we were self-cognizant, before we knew of the repercussions of our actions, no matter how small, before we had attained adulthood, maturity, and created our own individual identity, _this process was still going on_. however, there was very little choice. at the point when we begin to take control of our lives, and act in the way we think we should act, this initial _bundle_ of us becomes part of how we decide on our actions and perceptions. however, to a large degree, i believe that we do not take these childish choices in to complete consideration when re-evaluating who we are. all thoughts begin with i. all thoughts relate to the well-being of the organism. all thoughts are _habits_ created out of a constant acceptance of the feeling of loss, of separation, from your parents, from your world, from your universe. all thoughts are delusions. all things are connected, and interact, without words, without expression, it just is ... So where does that now lead us, you the explorer, and me the reader? Now you have the map, and you are the leader.

-- the dmt prophecies So I had to let my mind go. For a pretty long time. But it was never truly where it was thought to be, said to be. Therefor, all was good, and all was in purpose. I am under the influence of a few psychedelic drugs right now. Besides rainbow gatherings, over the past few months I have had a more diverse drug experience than is normal. Exponentially, holographically. Everything slowly comes together. So the previous Dimethyltryptamine experience has been very informative. It only lasts for, maybe, 20 minutes? But it is a timeless experience, which I hope to show you. After one decent lungful of the substance, burned with cannabis, I sat, for a moment, wondering what it was all about, what I was seeking, what I was expecting. Then, BAM, thats all gone. Euphoria. Visuals become more lively. Suddenly I am transported to a large rave in a dark crowded warehouse. Ambient red and yellow lights begin to slowly pulse through the domes triangular divisions. The music begins to take importance, and then fade. I am unable to really make sense of the words, or even hear the rhythms. This is less than 15 seconds after the first inhalation. Slowly I dissolve. Occasionally lights flash. The physical feeling of being in my body dissipates. Though the onset was quite sudden, it is really quite elegant in its approach. Stronger DMT is said to induce these feelings, but

also a great loss of memory and the ability to interact with physical reality. But this, being on the same plane, was very subtle. Its like I simply notice that these things are going on. I remarked to my buddy, "this stuff, kind of takes a hanger, and puts it right [into your brain,] where all perception is focused, and jiggles it ... a bit .. or a lot ... " Indeed, all perceptions are now fuzzy. The ego identity is what is recalled most, though. My friend, who had also ingested a similar amount, and I, began to communicate, about the experience, non-verbally, in what I would consider a pre-telepathic means. He is a musician and uses the term "Call and Response" when a drummer plays a rhythm, and another responds similarly. Well, the call and response, of, my own internal quandries, "what I am experiencing, what is this, is this real?" were responded to, in course, by the environment. All was naturally a great organism and now it did not see that it was separate from itself. Everything was in place, even the bad, and things were never what they appeared to be. This is when I remembered/ realized the significance of what I experience at the gathering this year. It reminds me of ... complementarity, a quantum theory that says all things have multiple aspects that will inherently be unviewable according to however it is being used, or viewed. Though, asking a true QM scientist, he says the theory it self is BS, but I will let him see the links on how desire influences/creates perception, and get further input. -I once realized that I could change who I was, to a large degree, how I acted, how I reacted, and even what I thought about things. I also noticed that after certain changes, they would seemingly become permanent, real. Then you would begin to make other changes that would become permanent.

Upon pondering this, who was it that wanted to change who was doing what? It was the realization that I was a psychosomatic being. -There is more to come, much re-definition to be done, but this is the thesis so far. -I do not seek drugs. I do not advocate drug use. I do not think drugs are safe in any way. I don't always like that I do them. I often have supernatural experiences while sober. When I first smoked pot heavily at 18 it soon changed me. When I did psychedelics first at 19 my mind definitely changed in how it functioned and perceived, but it took me several years to notice and get an idea of what it is. I'm still getting a grip on it, but it is fading slowly. Before I ever did drugs my perception was different. So my experimentation is in effect my own way of handling my own perception, and dangerous as it may be I recently had a cousin pass because he was prescribed some new drug for some rare disease, he soon was found in his apartment in a coma, the drug gave him contusions, and he died, no one is responsible, nothing more about it. I'm sorry, but my life is in my own hands. It is neglectful, and I do aim at being completely clear and full of light, but these are my efforts at getting there.

listening to the sounds of sirens with a melodic tone still kept after the silence has creeped up and permanently swept a life away that was still born a close friend of death and left from names with the same breath a life shall go on without a hope gone unanswered or hair gone unkempt the same as minds thinking backwards this road you cant skip while pondering these exact words your time is well spent connected with signs and passwords your soul is well hidden in the last place you will ask for, the first answer given, elated youre given access, but it can be taken, in instants shorter than last words, this prize im not fakin

my horrible beauty astounds confuses arouses for thousands of miles im found in and out of towns uneven and misshapen i shine even with the risks taken im runnin in circles with a map thats mistaken a quick lookin im bookin to the borderline for crooked minds and sordid times

spirit decays into life. we all come from myth.

ask 20 different people from 20 different places where we come from, and they will all say something different. all different myths. we come from myth.

BE PREPARED TO INSPECT EVERY PART OF YOU EVERY ASPECT, BEHAVIOR, MEMORY, REACTION

in the back of your mind is a door behind that door is a staircase descending down those stairs is a basement in that basement is a trap door and beneath that door is a tunnel a crawl space carved and shaped into the dirt, at the end of that tunnel, a small room a cave dug into the earth digging in random places you find a chest inside of that chest is kept all of the things that hold you back from seeing the world as it is

and your own great potential.

(who is holding back what?)

it was a grand opportunity, once in a lifetime indeed. To see my own words printed in a compact form. I happily gave the little guy several of my bank account pins, and some little trinkets from my great great grandparents, and he told me that within 24 hours I would have my own brand spankin new, what did he call it, a, bo-ook, I think. Anyway, it sounds cool, see you guys tomorrow, same chad time, same chad channel.

Tmro o orw i s ut js ao e nhr t m oy e r m ...... .

9:22 AM 12/26/2010 NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS: i will learn to fly (in my dreams) i will quit doing the things that hurt me, and start doing the things that help me i will get that thing that i've always wanted, and get rid of that thing that i've never needed but always held on to i will stop deluding my self and confusing others i will seek professional help i will leave the universe and send back detailed extra-solar reconnaissance i will concentrate on concentrating moment to moment i will gain three pounds of hash i will follow through on my plans, before making new ones i will break less hearts, and fix more heads i will confront my avoidance habit

write for your children .

the directives the ultimatum poem/letter i remember before 18 biography plastic bags, glass bottles lyrics dedication switching sustenance journal online profiles i dont break eye contact lyrics exclamation poem/letter yo, my name is chad poem/letter before the thought journal fast freedom, fried lyrics morning looms poem/letter an active definition of how i dealt with my sanity the man i was lyrics schizophrenia journal residual complacence poem a complete circle of fire journal company of shadows poem five point one percent journal the valley of awareness poem a letter to the lycaeum strange mirrors poem white rabbit poem one long day: discontinuity, the ego - a span through time track elder/child marble measurements poem trip a lot poem list self mastery mantra/poem life unlimited letter from stoner to loner journal shared reality letter paradox letter from the future love to laugh poem why i write journal manifest infinite lyrics breaking perspectives hallucinate at 4 journal what burns slowest poem quietly awakening biography mirror message from the future the problems of tomorrow poem the love died journal a warning of hope poem i remember dreams journal articulation is creation poem you will always be a mystery very significant things lyrics writing meticulously maneuvering push the button, turn the dial on the surface journal poem global positioning, underground how have your dreams been me tricking my self writing sorrow letter a visit to the psychiatrist skit these are the things that go on love it or hate it lyrics an introduction to your knew millions of years letter only in the end lyrics capabilities sincere suggestions lyrics continuity journal/poem all that i can know mission unlimited appreciation as her words whisked me off five pillars of human success statement poem/letter writing outline the root of reality paper out of body observations letter fantasy dreaming writing lost at love and lost at sea poems listening to sirens lyrics blackness poem a meal of crumbs track list young people poem horrible beauty lyrics overseer poem saturns entry journal on going insane writing we come from myth poem in the horizon was destiny had i gone anywhere journal adapt2.us poem/letter navigating the back of your mind torn between two worlds posting composure lost writing a significant series of events tomorrow is just another absolute reality letter poem holographic native poem memory seeing with eyes closed posting magic and dreams poem

He holds us all within his mind. I give thanks.