Third Test, day one, Edgbaston

England v India - day one as it happened

India were bowled out for just 224 and then failed to take even a single wicket on a dominant day for England Morning everyone. Society may be falling apart, the markets may be in meltdown, there may be panic in the streets and looters in the shops, but that's not going to stop us pitching a set of stumps and playing a game of cricket. Especially when England are one win away from becoming the World's No1 side. Which would be some consolation to us all if the country disappears down the gurgler. I love the fact that despite everything - 109 people were arrested in Birmingham last night - no one has seriously broached the idea of calling this Test off. The football? That was canned straight away. But cricket? Well, lets all keep calm and carry on. We'll still be playing cricket in England when the rapture comes. The first world war was two months old before they got around to cancelling the county championship. "There's a bit of a buzz about the city" says Goldenhair Gower. "But sadly not because of the cricket." England have won the toss, and will bowl. MS Dhoni admits that he wanted to bowl first too, because he expects the ball "to do a lot in the first hour." Buckle up, in 30 minutes Virender Sehwag will be out in the middle. India have also bought in legspinner Amit Mishra as a replacement for Harbhajan, and Gautam Gambhir is also back to open the batting. So, India look like this:V Sehwag, G Gambhir, R Dravid, SR Tendulkar, VVS Laxman, SK Raina, MS Dhoni, A Mishra, P Kumar, I Sharma, S Sreesanth. And England look like this: AN Cook, AJ Strauss, IR Bell, KP Pietersen, EJG Morgan, RS Bopara, MJ Prior, TT Bresnan, SCJ Broad, GP Swann, JM Anderson. Elizabeth Connor read my mind: "Anyone else see the headlines about cricket continuing despite the riots and suddenly get a 'Carry on up the Khyber' image of the cricket continuing complete with supporters while the riots went on around them, the only disturbance being where someone walks across the wicket to avoid some debris and is told off by the umpire." I if the spirit of the times spreads we may see something a little like what Tom Stoppard predicted in the Real Inspector Hound: "Sometimes I dream of revolution, a bloody coup d'etat by the second rank troupes of actors slaughtered by their understudies, magicians sawn in half by indefatigably smiling glamour girls, cricket teams wiped put by marauding bands of twelfth men." While I pop off to top up my coffee cup, have a look at Sharda Ugra's excellent match-preview over on Cricinfo for an insight into what it has been like to be an Indian visiting Britain in these last few days. "Good pitch to bowl on" says Old Iron Bottom. "There won't be much pace but there should be some sideways movement." Robin Hazlehurst is in a philosophical mood: "Maybe this is all part of some great cosmic plan. In five days time England could be number one in the world at cricket just at the moment when civilisation ceases to exist. Could these facts be linked? Maybe the riots and the financial collapse are a consequence of

England's cricketing prowess. When English cricket is number one in the world, we will have no further need of society, perfection will have been achieved, the world can officially end and Armageddon arrive. Is an Indian victory the only thing that can now save us from the end of days? And if that is so, what should an England fan hope for?" Time join the Church of Sehwagology John. Strange days indeed. According to Micheal Zeheter, Smyth has become a bastion of the English establishment: "I would be looking forward to following a day's cricket on the OBO from the quiet security of a German university town but I have to proof-read my doctoral dissertation. It has some positive side-effects, though. Looking on the Oxford English Dictionary's homepage this morging I found that (incidentially) "doosra, n." is today's word of the day. Clicking on it, I found this gem among the quotations: 2005 R. Smyth in M. Adamson et al. Is it Cowardly to Pray for Rain? 79 For a frightening split second then I thought Gilo had unveiled the doosra. In fact it was his stock ballit didn't turn." Jerusalem sounds particularly pertinent this morning, no doubt KP is reflecting on the irony of using Blake's dystopian vision of England as a patriotic anthem even as he stands in the huddle and listens to Andrew Strauss'; pre-match speech. Play! says Umpire Taufel. Jimmy Anderson will take the first over, with Gambhir on strike. 1st over: India 8-0 (Gambhir 8, Sehwag 0) Anderson's first two balls are wide of off-stump, and Gambhir steers the second of them through the slips for four to third man. India are off and running. As the over goes on, the ball begins to zip through to Matt Prior. "Not altogether sure about inserting a much stronger batting line-up than we have seen so far this series," muses Gary Naylor. "Does Strauss really think his attack can bowl this side out in a day, because anything less than that will have India ahead in the match? There's a whiff of hubris about the decision, something England have been very good at avoiding recently." And as if to punctuate Gary's observation, Gambhir ends the over by patting four more off his pads away to fine leg. 2nd over: India 8-0 (Gambhir 8, Sehwag 0) Stuart Broad will start at the other end, with the ancient Sumerian God Gozer the Gozerian on strike. REFERRAL! Sehwag 0 c Prior b Broad England are calling for a review off the very first ball Sehwag has faced. And I think they're right too. Good bowling by Broad, whose first ball was straight. Sehwag swayed away from it and tried to drop his hands but didn't get them low enough. The ball just grazed his glove as it flew through, and he's out. What a start for England. WICKET! Sehwag 0 c Prior b Broad (India 8-1) So much for the saviour. Umpire Davis' decision is reversed and Sehwag has gone for a golden duck. In comes the second of India's band of superheroes, Rahul Dravid. This is a brilliant first over from Broad. His first ball to the Wall flies over the top of the stumps, and his third jags back and hits his pads in front of leg stump. England appeal, but the ball was missing leg-stump. 3rd over: India 17-1 (Gambhir 16, Dravid 0) England are all over India right now. Anderson's first ball swings back in towards off stump, and hits Gambhir's pads. Another LBW appeal follows. Umpire Taufel shakes his head. Gambhir replies by creaming the next ball for four through extra cover, as if to say "you're not going to have it all your own way". Anderson replies with a brilliant in-swinger which slips through the narrow gap between bat and pad. It flies through to Prior and England appeal again, this time for a catch behind. Another shake of the head from Taufel. If he had any sleep in his eyes when he came to the crease he will have shaken it off by now. And there's another four from the fourth ball. It's a classic case of pointcounterpoint. This one shot past the gully for four. Anderson has bowled two good overs but has the bizarre figures of 2-0-17-0. 4th over: India 23-1 (Gambhir 23, Dravid 0) Broad concedes his first runs as Gambhir taps two to midwicket and then nudges four more to fine leg. He has 23 off 17 now. Who needs Sehwag? "I noticed yesterday that the Telegraph's deputy cricket correspondent had been despatched to the centre of

Birmingham to report on the violence," says John Marshall, who has been reading the opposition. "Any chance that you'll be ordered to venture out of Guardian Towers to report on the real world? I do hope not as I assume that the ICC have banned the use of substitutes for OBO writers." No, Smyth and myself are stuck firmly in the toy department. David Hopps on the other hand, well... I'll let him tell you: "I fear I am on Riot Watch from Edgbaston. Naturally, there will be nothing much to watch. This is a normal cricket crowd watching a normal cricket match and there is absolutely no sense of underlying tension. Sehwag is not in a very good mood, one presumes, and neither is Jonathan Agnew after MS Dhoni refused to fulfil his obligation to talk to the BBC, a Rights Holder, at the toss. Two plump policemen were strolling up Pershore Road with nothing much to do as I queued through the pre-match traffic, presumably the officers least able to chase rioters. And on the skyline there has been a plume of black smoke from a burning scrapyard. If anybody has any Birmingham riot anecdotes, do tell." 5th over: India 23-1 (Gambhir 23, Dravid 1) Dravid knocks a single away past gully. It's a quiet over otherwise, so here's Phil Rhodes: "Given the, ahem, lack of newsworthy events this week I am amazed that the following bit of fielding by Angelo Matthews hasn't got more coverage. Its absolutely stunning greatest piece of fielding ever? Its up there with Roger Harper for sure. Its disappointing we didn't see more of him earlier in the summer." If you haven't seen what Phil is talking about, well... prepare to be amazed. 6th over: India 32-1 (Gambhir 23, Dravid 9) Dravid threads four past mid-off. What a glorious shot. Oh, and that's even better. The ball purrs on the grass as it speeds across the outfield, all the way out to extra cover for four more. Ravi Bopara hares after it, but doesn't get close before it crosses the rope. "Not all cricket carries on through a riot," says Math Scott. "Back in 1989 I was playing for now-defunct Dewsbury CC in the Central Yorkshire League. It was my debut match and took place to the mellifluous summer sounds of breaking gas, crowd noise and sirens as the race riot raged on the road next to the ground. Unfortunately people began to spill into the ground - peacefully - until there was simply no option but to call the match off (it was that or allow the fielding team to play with a couple of hundred slips). I was just walking out to bat, too. Still, I did get to watch the local pub burn down." 7th over: India 35-1 (Gambhir 24, Dravid 11) "Just to add to Hoppsy's non-riot cricket update," writes Lord Selvey, "Yesterday brought another calm night in Chaddesley Corbett." You say that, Selves, but the front page of this week's edition of Worcestershire News suggests otherwise. Dravid takes two from the final ball, which means India are ticking along at exactly five an over. What a curious first 30 minutes it has been. It seems the Indians have resolved not to get stuck in the mud, prodding and groping at the swinging ball. 8th over: India 39-1 (Gambhir 28, Dravid 11) Broad is bowling around the wicket to Gambhir, hanging the ball out outside his off-stump. After watching three balls pass by, Gambhir decides to tuck in to the fourth, and drives it away through extra cover for his sixth boundary of the morning. 9th over: India 39-1 (Gambhir 28, Dravid 12) Anderson's first delivery dies after pitching, and loops past Dravid's bat as it fades down to Matt Prior's ankles. Dravid is taking guard almost outside leg-stump. He leaves an away-swinger, then drops his bat on one that went the other way, pushing it square for a single. "I've been making use of the time between tests to swot up on the MCC's Laws of Cricket in Italian," says Ian Hamilton, without even thinking to offer an explanation as to why. "So I can now say with certainty that Prior is a better 'recevitore' than Dhoni. It's good that Strauss has won 'il sorteggio' as I reckon 'registrazione dei punti' could be tricky on 'il pitch' here at Egdebaston. Hopefully Swann will turn the ball 'piazza' later on." 10th over: India 40-1 (Gambhir 28, Dravid 12) The first change brings Tim Bresnan into the attack. His second ball is a gem, pitching full and swinging in towards the pads. Umpire Davis shakes his head, and that's an excellent decision. Hotspot shows there was a ghost of an inside edge on it. Later in the over he moves out wider on the crease lures Dravid in to playing a loose drive at a ball that nips off the pitch past the bat.

11th over: India 40-1 (Gambhir 28, Dravid 12) Another quiet over. "In response to Math Scott's comment in 6th over," writes Richard Saunders: "He says 'It was my debut match and took place to the mellifluous summer sounds of breaking gas'. Must have been a nervous debut." 12th over: India 43-1 (Gambhir 30, Dravid 13) The batsmen swap singles off the first two balls of Bresnan's over, and Dravid then decides to call for a new bat. The one he is using has gone in the handle, and the Wall needs reliable tools to work with. So the 12th man brings out a new one for him. "For the first time in many years I retrieved my Gray Nicholls Brian Lara cricket bat from the garage last night," says Duncan Haskall. "In my head I was ready to dish out some Richard Cole style justice to anyone daring to threaten the streets of Bristol. In reality I cowered in my living room practising my forward defence, despite the complete lack of danger outside." Look, Duncan, if you're going to use a cricket bat as a riotbreaker, I'd strongly suggest you ditch your Gray Nicholls Brian Lara and invest in whatever Inzamam uses. 13th over: India 43-1 (Gambhir 30, Dravid 13) "My covert attempts to follow the cricket while at work have failed," says Elizabeth Connor. "As my boss just came up to me and said 'you know you're on the OBO' whoops!" Schoolgirl mistake, Elizabeth. You should have used a pseudonym. 14th over: India 47-1 (Gambhir 34, Dravid 13) Stuart Broad trots off the pitch to powder his nose. I guess he'll be coming back on at Anderson's end in a moment. And that's the shot of the morning from Gambhir, he punches a shot down the ground, past Bresnan's outstretched right hand and away to long-off for four. He gets a littl overlooked among all the Galacticos in this side, Gambhir, but he's a brilliant player, every bit as important to the dynamic of the team as Claude Makelele was to Real. 15th over: India 51-1 (Gambhir 34, Dravid 17) Yup, Broad is back on at the other end. His first ball back in the attack is a brute of a yorker, but my of my this man's technique is so good that he simply steps away to leg and jams his bat down on the ground. Like Louis Armstrong, he had all the time in the world. And that's an extraordinary shot. Dravid is in imperious form. Broad pitches another ball up, and Dravid, despite getting his feet in a tangle, swings the bat through so smoothly and with such timing that the ball races to the boundary at extra cover. Broad decides it's time to pull his length back a little, and push his line out a little wider. The result is that the next two balls shoot past the edge of the bat. This was a brilliant over, a duel between two men in the form of their lives. "Tell Elizabeth Connor not to worry," says Michael Noble. "Her boss has just tacitly admitted that he's been sneaking some OBO as well. It's all part of the general attitude to rule breaking and lawlessness that has come to define this year. Everybody, it would seem, is at it." 16th over: India 52-1 (Gambhir 35, Dravid 17) Gambhir clatters a drive straight to short extra cover, then taps the next delivery down to leg for a single. "As an ex-colleague of Duncan Haskell (over 12)," says Andrew Kelly. "I know that suggesting to use Inzamam's bat as a weapon is useless as it would be like that immortal knight trying to wield his sword at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade." 17th over: India 55-1 (Gambhir 36, Dravid 19) Broad is bowling short and straight, and both batsmen are popping up on their toes and playing the ball down to their feet. As Nasser points out at the end of the over, "the later you play the ball, the closer it lands to your feet." It's been a masterclass of how to play the moving ball from these two in the last 45 minutes or so. And when Broad whistles in another yorker, Dravid whips it away square for two runs to long leg. "I was so excited by this Test series a month ago and been looking forward to it all year," says Ninder Bassi. "But now I just don't see how India could have changed it around in a week." I suspect that's a common feeling, Ninder, but I don't think there is a single cricket fan in England who would write the Indian team off given the talent and experience in their side. And England, it's worth remembering, are just a little weaker for the absence of Jonathan Trott. 18th over: India 56-1 (Gambhir 37, Dravid 19) A single from this over. Bresnan's five overs son far have cost just eight runs, which suggests that India are treating his bowling with a deal more respect than they were a fortnight ago.

19th over: India 56-1 (Gambhir 38, Dravid 20) Dravid hops up and down as he trots down wicket, shaking his hand as he goes. That's a fairly futile attempt to disguise the obvious agony he is in after being whacked on the bottom hand by a shortish delivery from Broad. "OBO readers will surely know that Genoa FC was founded as Genoa Cricket & Athletics Club by an Englishman, for Englishmen only, in 1893, hence the Anglicised form of the city's name," Umm, indeed, Paul Keeling, indeed. Of course we did. "The other game was introduced in 1897, and Genoa was the first football club in Italy. AC Milan was also formed as a cricket club, by an Englishman and lace-maker from Nottingham in 1899. So the better game has a long history in Italy." Actually I'm told that the current Italian team is really quite good, but only because it is stuffed full of Aussie ex-pats. The Afghan players I know say that the Italians were one of the best teams they came across in their ascent up through the ranks of world cricket. WICKET! Gambhir 38 b Bresnan (India 59-2) And all of sudden my attention is snapped away from my inbox by the unexpected sound of rattling stumps. This was a wicket from nowhere, really: Gambhir leaned forward and threw a half-hearted drive at the ball, but only inside-edged it into his wicket. Some young whippersnapper called Tendulkar is now. No, I've never heard of him either. 21st over: India 59-2 (Dravid 20, Tendulkar 0) Treasure this then - the two top run-scorers in the history of Test cricket are together in the middle. Dravid, compensating for the loss of the wicket, does nothing rash in this over, but leaving anything wide and blocking those that are straight. 21st over: India 60-2 (Dravid 20, Tendulkar 1) Strauss rbings Jimmy Anderson back on to bowl at his bunny, Sachin Tendulkar. He's dismissed him seen times in nine matches now. Once more and he will be tied with Murali as the man who has got him out more often than anyone else. And Sachin does nothing to suggest Strauss is wrong as he with a wafty cut shot that misses the ball altogether. Two balls later he plays a straight drive to a ball that nips back through the gate and flies over the top of the stumps. Humiliations of the great at Edgbaston, as Tendulkar is turned inside-out by Anderson. WICKET! Tendulkar 1 c Anderson b Broad (India 60-3) What a wicket that is. Sachin is caught at second slip. Set up by Anderson, knocked down by Broad. The greatest batsman of his era is playing like a beginner, and for England it's all a little too easy. He averages 23 in this series now. Broad welcomes Laxman to the middle with a ripsnorting full delivery that just catches the inside edge and shoots away square. What a ball that was. 24th over: India 68-3 (Dravid 22, Laxman 6) There must be an awfully familiar feel to all this for the two men in the middle. "It seems India are in ODI modus," says Harry Tuttle. "Or are they attempting to dominate this bowling attack as they have done with so many bowling attacks passim, a balding, middleaged divorcee dusting off his old moves for the sake of 21-year-old bemusement?" 25th over: India 73-3 (Dravid 22, Laxman 11) Bresnan is back on now, and Laxman plays a lovely steer down to third man for four, squeezing the ball past the slips. Warne is dissecting Sachin's innings, picking it apart ball-by-ball - it doesn't take long, there were only eight of them. Watching it broken down like that, it comes across as what must have been one of the very worst knocks he's ever played. Rob Smyth slips his stat hat on and discovers that in the space of this series Stuart Broad has trimmed five full runs from his bowling average, which is now down to 32. And that against the best batting line-up in the world as well. 26th over: India 75-3 (Dravid 22, Laxman 13) Umpire Davis is giving Jimmy Anderson a ticking-off for following through on to the pitch. Laxman flicked the first ball away square for two, then spent the rest of the over blocking, ducking and weaving. WICKET! Dravid 22 b Bresnan (India 75-4) Two minutes before lunch on the first day and this game could almost be over already. Bresnan has clean-bowled Dravid with an absolute jaffa. That's as good a ball as we'll see all match long, and it needed to be to do for the Wall. It straightened up off the pitch, ripping off the seam and beating the outside edge of Dravid's broad bat, then crashed into off stump. India's toporder have been routed in the last 30 minutes. They've lost 3 for 16 in 37 balls.

Well, this is turning into a procession. Rob Smyth will be here in the afternoon to tell you whether VVS Laxman and Suresh Raina can dig India out of this hole. Send your emails to him now, please, on rob.smyth@guardian.co.uk. LUNCH Hello. Winning the toss and bowling first is cricket's equivalent of going at the king; if you do it, you'd best not miss. Even though it's not really fair or logical, you will receive ten times as much as stick for bowling first and conceding 450 than for batting first and being rolled for 200. In the 1980s and 1990s, I used to dread England winning the toss and bowling partly because of the hope that they might clean the opposition up in helpful conditions, and mainly because of the knowledge that they would do no such thing, and would end up being thrashed. Like they were at Headingley in 1989, and Melbourne in 1994, and Bridgetown in 1981, and Bridgetown in 1986, and Bridgetown in 1990. (In 1994, they batted first and became the first side to win at Bridgetown for 49 years. Next stop, rocket science.) In those two decades, England's record after winning the toss and fielding was staggeringly poor: P30 W6 D13 L11. Yet since the turn of the century, it is staggeringly good: P18 W10 D6 L2. It's too early to say they will win this game India are 75 for four, and England won from 124 for eight at Trent Bridge yet the morning session was another example of one of the biggest changes in English cricket over the last decade: that they now have bowlers who can be trusted to produce when they really need to do so. In the past, almost everything England did inspired a weird terror, yet now it's okay. Everything's okay. Here's one statistic to support that point: in the 1980s and 1990s, teams averaged 37.9 runs per wicket when they were put in by England; in the 21st century that figure is down to 26.33. England were brilliant this morning. They didn't get carried away, as against India at Headingley in 2002. Nor did they lose their nerve when a number of deliveries were driven for four, or when India reached a slightly ominous 59 for one. By lunch they had their reward. Scrap any plans you have to go on the rob tonight and stay in to watch the highlights of today's play. They are worth it just to see the ball with which Tim Bresnan dismissed Rahul Dravid. In isolation it was a jaffa, but when you factor in Dravid's form and impregnability, it becomes even more special. Stuff to do during lunch 1. My colleague Steph Fincham is going to ride across Sri Lanka next year in support of MAGs. Lord Selvey has donated a hat signed by England's three Brisbane centurions for auction, which has currently reached a splendiferous $200. If you want to bid for it, let me know and I'll post an update each day during the Test. The auction ends when the final ball of the series is bowled. 2. A postgraduate student at City University London is conducting some research into how people read and interact with live coverage on guardian.co.uk. and would like to recruit some readers to interview over the telephone about their experiences. If you are interested in taking part, click here. 3. Join the Cricket Supporters' Association. (If you want, no peer pressure round here; not overt anyway.) 4. Listen to this song. (If you want, no etc. round here.) 5. Send the OBO a cake, like Katie Cannon did, or a bottle of gin, like Adnams did. (There is peer pressure on this one.) 27th over: India 77-4 (Laxman 13, Raina 2) Suresh Raina has struggled desperately against the short ball in this series; he fends Bresnan off the hip and in the air. Bresnan smiles at him with total disdain. England

don't expect Raina to last long. They are looking at Bresnan in the way Australia looked at people like Usman Afzaal and Graeme Hick. 28th over: India 78-4 (Laxman 14, Raina 2) Raina, instinctively on the back foot, slices a very full, swinging delivery from Anderson just short of Morgan at backward point. Raina's body language is decent, though: he's dancing around between deliveries and looks okay. "Hey Rob, any chance of some Old Skool romantic mishaps riffs on today's OBO?" says Ryan Dunne. "Yesterday I sent my first ever unironic 'You're dead to me. Have a nice life' text. Beginning to think it might not have been the wisest of choices (although happily I do have rain, Dawson's Creek boxsets, my Official Cheryl Calendar, and the alwaysentertaining OBO to take my mind off things!)" I wondered who that text was from. Actually, I'm impressed you managed to get both 'Have a nice life' and 'You're dead to me' in there. I thought people who send such texts were only really supposed to use one or the other. 29th over: India 82-4 (Laxman 14, Raina 2) Laxman defends carefully against Bresnan, and then gets four leg byes from the last ball of the over. Looking back, that tour of Bangladesh 18 months ago was so important in Bresnan's development. At the time there was a certain awareness of how well he had bowled, but most folk were still in yeah-but-he's-Tim-Bresnan mode. They aren't any more. Claire Garner is following the OBO from Brazil, and has sent this interesting link. "Who knew that cricket in Brasil had a long history?" says Claire. "Or that there's a Brazilian Cricket Association?" What I want to do know is: why the picture of Allan Donald? 30th over: India 82-4 (Laxman 14, Raina 2) Anderson pulls his length back to Raina, who is able to defend fairly comfortably. A maiden. As Nasser Hussain said on Sky this morning, this pitch has nothing like the pace of the one at Trent Bridge, which should make life less uncomfortable for Raina. "I have tickets for the third day at Edgbaston on Friday, taking my son to his first ever Test," says Dennis O'Neill. "I was lamenting to him earlier that we may not get to see Tendulkar bat, something we've been looking forward to ever since I managed to get the tickets. I'm starting to worry there might not be a match left to see. I hope I'm wrong for everyone's sake, cos whilst it's good to see England in such destructive form, it's sad to see such greats crumble in what is probably their last appearance in this country. Come on India, fight back!" Don't worry, there will be a match on. A score of 82 for four isn't exactly time for high fives and free Haribo, but it's not that bad. And England were in a much worse position at Trent Bridge. I have a feeling India will win this match, although I have no idea why. 31st over: India 82-4 (Laxman 14, Raina 2) Bresnan's line to the right-handed Laxman hasn't been great since lunch, with a few deliveries sliding down the leg side. The first delivery over does just that, but the rest is accurate enough, on or just outside off stump. A maiden. "Hey Rob, while you're doing your bit for charitable deeds, could you just say a word about my son Milan's solo cycle trip around the island of Shikoku in Japan in aid of Save the Children Fund's Japan Earthquake and Tsunami appeal?" asks Joe in Kyoto. "The effects of the tsunami have all but faded from everyone's memories but it is still a total mess up there. More details on Milan's ride can be found here." 32nd over: India 84-4 (Laxman 14, Raina 4) Raina leaves a couple of short balls from Anderson and then tucks a length delivery off the pads for two. It's been a fairly low-key start to the session; no idea why. "I'm going on Saturday, and am worried I may not see a huge amount of cricket unless there is some rain intervention between now and then," says James Schoey. "Why oh why oh why is this match starting on a Wednesday? (Yes, I know the actual reason, but want a rant about it.) Almost certainly Sunday will see zero play, when the ground should be packed to the rafters, and Saturday is looking shaky, if things continue in this manner. Weekends are surely the optimum time for the 'action' days, which are normally three and four? Anyway - sorry about that. It's just bugging me." I rarely sleep at night either. I assume they wanted the last Test of the summer to start on a Thursday, in which case they had no choice but to start this on a Wednesday. It is disorientating, though, having Tests that begin on a Friday or Wednesday. Yet another reason to not have a clue what day it is. 33rd over: India 92-4 (Laxman 22, Raina 4) Laxman reaches for a wide, swinging half volley from Bresnan and crashes it thrillingly through the covers for four. He gets another boundary three balls later

with a gorgeous push through extra cover; that was all timing. Bresnan's response is a peach, not dissimilar to the one that bowled Dravid, but just shorter and therefore bouncing over the stumps after beating the edge. "In response to your belief that India will win this match but you not being able to give a reason why," begins Matt Turland. "It's simple really: you're an England fan. I still expect us to lose the next 2 tests and then get spanked by everyone in the one-day super triangular knock-a-coconut-off-a-pole tournament." WICKET! India 92-5 (Raina b Anderson 4) Dear me, this is hideous. We expected Raina to struggle with the short ball; in fact Anderson cleaned him with a very full delivery that rammed into the stumps when Raina missed a booming, leaden-footed drive. It was smart bowling but that looked awful; Raina hadn't transferred his weight, his head was wobbling, and he missed the ball by a mile. Anderson barely even bothered celebrating. That wicket was greeted like the dismissal of a tailender. Which, on current form, is what it was. Raina is in danger of joining the like of Gerry Liebenberg and Vikram Rathore among the great walking wickets of an English summer. 34th over: India 92-5 (Laxman 22, Dhoni 0) Dhoni misses a preposterous slap at his first delivery. "All the laws of custom and nature state that Test matches should begin on a Thursday at 11am," says Michael Gorman. "This messing about with the days on which Tests start is yet another sign of the inexorable decline of Western civilisation. Nick Clegg is another." WICKET! India 100-6 (Laxman c Broad b Bresnan 30) An Andrex-soft dismissal. Laxman, having taken Bresnan for two effortless boundaries in the over, pulls straight to Broad at long leg. He has got out that way in England before, both in 2002 and this series, and he's done it again. It's a real shame because he was playing beautifully. He should have put that shot back in its box a long time ago. 35th over: India 100-6 (Dhoni 0, Mishra 0) Amit Mishra is not a bad batsman. Probably more of a No9, in truth, but he knows what he's doing. "A heart-warming story amongst the gloom in London," says Guy Hornsby. "Last night on the way home through a boarded up and near-deserted Walthamstow, I walked past the business park in S Grove near Selbourne Walk, and out of the corner of my eye I spied a small gaggle of local youths running across the car park. Initially I was edgy but once I'd had a decent look, it became clear they were making use of the enforced idyll by playing cricket. They'd set up with a metal, spring-loaded set up old-school net stumps, a nice Gray-Nicholls, and a tennis ball. Right hand bat, facing a right arm fast-medium, with a short extra cover, mid on, mid-wicket and gully. The last ball I saw went through the covers. The sun was setting, and for a moment there, everything was right with the world." 36th over: India 100-6 (Dhoni 0, Mishra 0) Dhoni has had two batting modes in this series block or thwack and today it seems to be the latter. A maiden from Broad, who has replaced Anderson. "As an Indian fan, This is the only thing that gives me hope," says Anand. Sorry, wrong link try this one. 37th over: India 104-6 (Dhoni 0, Mishra 4) Mishra is beaten, fencing at a shortish delivery from Bresnan, and then pushes four through the ponderous Bopara at mid on for four. Bresnan has been a touch too straight in this session. "According to today's G2 men's shoes are the reason some women refuse to date them from the off," says John Starbuck. "It seems they are the most-queried topic in menswear now, so maybe romantic imbroglios are all about the feet? Are you suited and booted today?" With it being a weekday, the answer is obviously 'no'. One of the few good things about working in journalism is the fact you don't have to wear a suit. 38th over: India 105-6 (Dhoni 0, Mishra 4) It sounds like the auto refresh is acting up again, so if you want to read a description of the wickets press F5. Sorry about this. Dhoni takes strokelessness to daft lengths, dropping the hands on a short ball from Broad and letting it hit him on the arm. As Bumble says on Sky, surely he'd be better off swinging like a madman here. A counter attack must be the best approach. Broad beats Dhoni next up with a majestic delivery that swings in and then snaps away off the seam. Dhoni has 0 from 15 balls. "Did Guy Hornsby happen to pass a looted branch of JJB Sports later on his walk home?" says Patrick Coulson.

39th over: India 110-6 (Dhoni 5, Mishra 4) That's nice from Dhoni, who walks down the track to Bresnan and waves him through extra cover for four to get off the mark. The last ball of the over is a nasty lifter that draws Mishra into a tentative push and then bounces past the edge. "Maybe more journalists should wear suits," says Ewan Dunnett. "It might bring some professionalism back to the, err, profession. Sadly lacking in many publications and broadcasts these days." Agreed. Wearing trousers, shirt, shoes and Joop really civilises folk when they bottle each other in provincial nightclubs. WICKET! India 111-7 (Mishra c Prior b Broad 4) The new, improved Stuart Broad strikes again. Mishra was drawn forward by a very full delivery on around a fifth-stump line, and he got the thinnest of edges through to Prior. There was no foot movement at all from Mishra, who almost fell over as he felt for the ball. 40th over: India 115-7 (Dhoni 5, Kumar 0) Praveen Kumar clouts his first ball on the bounce to mid off. Broad's Test bowling average is down to a career-best 32.65. His averages in this series are 60.66 and 11.27. By August 22 we might be looking up the greatest all-round performances in a Test series. As Daniel Seppings points out, he's miles ahead of Botham 1981 (36.27/20.58) and Flintoff 2005 (40.20/27.29). 41st over: India 123-7 (Dhoni 14, Kumar 0) Dhoni chips Anderson lazily back over his head for four. He might as well play his shots now, and it looks like that's what he's going to do. When Anderson drops short, Dhoni smacks a savage pull through square leg for four. If India are going to draw the series in spectacular fashion, it will be because of what Dhoni does in the next hour. If. "If you're going to mention the Guardian sportsdesk dress code," begins my erstwhile colleague Robin Lynch, "is it time we let the world know about when [name deleted] stripped down to his Y-fronts at his desk and then wandered around the office to do some photocopying?" I'm saying nothing. 42nd over: India 128-7 (Dhoni 14, Kumar 5) I like watching Praveen Kumar, primarily/exclusively because he swings like a lunatic. He gets off the mark by dumping a full ball over somewhere or other for four. "The only thing worse than living in the provinces is the snobbery you Londoners direct our way," says Sarah from Bristol. "Jeez. Is this the week to make comments suggesting out here it's a maelstrom of violence while London is the centre of civility?" You would have a very valid point, were it not for the fact I also live in the provinces. All I meant was that you don't get many so alternative nightclubs ones in which you can dress like a journalist in the provinces. 43rd over: India 130-7 (Dhoni 15, Kumar 6) Kumar drops the hands on a couple of short balls from Anderson which thud into his arm, and then he fences a straighter bouncer in the air but through the vacant gully region. "This," says Ryan Dunne, "is terrifying." Is she dead to you too? Actually there's a certain logic to it, but only if it's 1991 and you're in Slowdive. In other news, Lord Selvey has just sent a picture of his shoes. I wish I had time to feed it into the system and get it on the OBO. They are special. 44th over: India 139-7 (Dhoni 24, Kumar 6) This is a lot better from Dhoni, who slaps a filthy short ball from Broad over the covers for four and then whirls a pull round the corner for another boundary. He is so much more dangerous when he plays in an unfettered fashion, as are India. It's far too early for England to worry, but this Dhoni innings has just got a sniff about it. Maybe this is India's 'mad as hell' moment. "That really only illustrates how stats don't give anything like the full picture," says Dave Espley. "In 1981, Botham almost single-handedly won two Tests and bestrode the series like a big beefy colossus. Whilst Broad's performances have been excellent, you have to take into account the context. Far from being the best Test team in the world, India are a rabble." True, although a few points should be made: Broad's averages won't be as good by the end of the series, India are partly a rabble because England made them a rabble, and Australia in 1981 were a spectacular rabble. But yes, I agree that stats, unlike bottles of gin, should be used responsibly. 45th over: India 150-7 (Dhoni 35, Kumar 6) Dhoni squirts Anderson to third man for four and then he clatters him down the ground for a mighty six! What a blow that was. It was in the slot outside off and

Dhoni just launched it back whence it came with brutal force. This is great stuff, and you cannot underestimate how much strength India's players will draw from this if it continues for another hour or so. "Picking up on what Guy Hornsby said over 35 I and my girlfriend (OBO regular, Suzanne Hall) drove into the car park of Homebase on Purley Way in Croydon on a sunny sunday afternoon a while back," says Hedley Ayres. "We were disappointed to find the shop closed at the end of a frustrating day in the retail parks of south east London. However, this frustration was relieved by the sight of around 15 guys in Homebase uniforms enjoying a highly organised post-work game of car-park cricket. They were using a nice-looking Gunn & Moore and one of these soft but heavy training balls you see these days. We stayed to watch for a while not a bad standard either while we were there. The chap steaming in from the IKEA end was bowling well and at a decent lick, but the batters weren't afraid to play their shots. I was desperate to join in but we had to go and see if B&Q was still open." 'The IKEA end' arf. I wish ends had more imaginative names: you could have the Unreconstructed Bigot End at [name deleted], or some such. 46th over: India 155-7 (Dhoni 36, Kumar 10) Kumar is playing sensibly now, aware that something is stirring at the other end. There is none of his usual swishing, but he still times Bresnan very nicely through the covers for four. Then he lets another short ball hit him, this time on the thigh. Kumar is brilliant, a proper maverick. "Does anybody still wear Y-fronts in this day and age?" says Fiona Dunlop. "Does anywhere still sell them?? Definitely a deal-breaker" You can still find 'em. 47th over: India 157-7 (Dhoni 37, Kumar 11) Specialist fielder Graeme Swann is coming on for a rare bowl. That's a good move but also a risky one, because Dhoni will surely go after him. For now he is content to drive a single to deep mid off, and Kumar drives the last ball of the over for another single. Kumar is itching to give Swann some humpty. "Alarmingly, I've long held the 'by his shoes shall ye know him' theorem myself, and had been intending writing a book about it," says Louise Wright. "It would seem I've left it too late to catch the wave though. Basically there are several things that are always always wrong (cowboy boots and socks&sandals being the obvious ones), but most of my lady friends have a particular shoe type they can't abide on a chap, and I reckon it's because the shoe type is strongly correlated to the man type. It's partly because men tend to buy the same kind of shoe repeatedly (i.e. the shoe they think doesn't make them look a twit), whereas women tend to have more of a variety." 48th over: India 159-7 (Dhoni 38, Kumar 12) Bresnan beats Dhoni with a decent delivery that jags away off the seam. 49th over: India 168-7 (Dhoni 39, Kumar 20) Kumar can't resist having a dig at Swann, and he lifts him beautifully down the ground for four. That brings up a superb fifty partnership from 54 balls. It's a huge if, but if India draw this series we will look back on this partnership as the tipping point of the series. They aren't finished yet, as Kumar shows with a lovely extra-cover drive for four off the next delivery. Excellent stuff. "I'm single and wear Crocs a lot," says Ewan Dunnett. "Can I ask the women readers if they find this unattractive in a man?" That would be a great to dump someone. "It's not me. It's not even you. It's those." 50th over: India 177-7 (Dhoni 48, Kumar 20) Dhoni walks down the track and smears Bresnan's slower ball over midwicket for a monstrous six! What a stroke! Something is happening here. After two Tests of often miserable subservience, India have started landing haymakers. Their score is still well below par, but the mood of the match and perhaps the series has changed in the last half hour. "Not that I think Broad will end up with averages of over 50 and under 20 in this series anyway, which is a pretty rare achievement of itself, but picking the best all-round performance ever is tricky, is a higher batting average more important than a lower bowling average or vice versa?" wonders David Slater. "Anyway, in terms of allround performances the best couple I can find would be Kallis v West Indies (17 wickets @ 17.58 / 485 runs @ 69.28) and Imran Khan v India (40 wickets @ 13.95 / 247 runs @ 61.75). However in the majority of the ten or so players to have achieved averages better than 20 / 50 (with more than 100 runs and 10 wickets and more than 4 matches) in a series they've done so by being very good in one discipline and having one very good score or bowling performance inthe other, rather than being consistently excellent in both." Which shows just how great the burden is, I guess. One of my favourite stats favourite stats, dear me, form an orderly one ladies and ignore the shoes is that, in his last 10 years of Test cricket (10 years!) Imran averaged 50 with the bat and 20 with the ball.

51st over: India 181-7 (Dhoni 52, Kumar 20) Dhoni flails Swann splendidly through the covers for four to bring up his fifty from only 62 balls and he took 16 of those to get off the mark. It's been an innings of inspirational defiance from one of the most charismatic sportsmen around. "What's going on?" says Simon Lewis. " England are on the verge of becoming the leading team in test cricket, and all you lot want to talk about is shoes, under-wear and street knock abouts. Are we already showing signs of becoming so used to being the leading cricketing nation that we are taking our eye off the ball only to find that as a result the 'so called lesser nations' pull clear once more?" You're not from round these parts are you? 52nd over: India 183-7 (Dhoni 53, Kumar 20) England haven't really done too much wrong in this session. They are probably bowling too short to Kumar, but this is what can happen when a lower order counter attacks. The game changes so quickly that you often don't have time to adjust. But we are certainly not in Dave Richardson/Paul Adams territory, nowhere near. "Is Fiona Dunlop saying that, having got a chap back to hers and down to his undercrackers, she'd tell him to leave if he's wearing Y-fronts?" says William Wassell. "I'm pretty sure a woman could be sporting Nora Batty specials and I wouldn't bat an eyelid at that point." Sod e-harmony and all this psychometric testing, just enter what types of underwear you find acceptable and let true love take its course. 53rd over: India 190-7 (Dhoni 54, Kumar 26) What a magnificent stroke from Praveen Kumar, who lifts Swann over long on for six with insouciant disdain. I never thought I'd use the phrase "jolly good fun" before reaching the age of 80, but that's precisely what Kumar is. "Absolutely right about statistics and, for want of a better word, 'greatness'," says William Vincent. "Of the three England all-rounders, Beefy still stands alone, in part for the numbers, which for a time were truly spectacular, and in part for the way he captured the imagination of non-cricket nerds. I remember people standing outside TV shops in '81, watching him bat through the window. Flintoff could do that too, even though he wasn't the player that the Beefster was or Broad might become. What Broad needs to break through the TV shop window barrier, if you see what I mean, are a couple of big hundreds and an eightfer or two. Ideally when heavily hungover." On that note, this is a list of players who have scored a century and taken a five-for in the same Test look how often Beefy managed it. He was a cartoon superhero like no other. WICKET! India 195-8 (Kumar c Prior b Bresnan 26) Praveen Kumar is given out on review. He tried to hook a good short ball from Bresnan that rushed through to Matt Prior. England were sure it was out, but Steve Davis rejected the appeal and so they went for the review. Replays showed a thin edge, and Kumar was out after a jaunty little innings of 26. He and Dhoni added 84 in only 14 overs. 54th over: India 195-8 (Dhoni 55, Sharma 0) "Crocs, much like vests, are a definite no-no for the over 5s," says Jayne Whymark. "Anyway, any chance of a bit of shameless publicity which doesn't have much to do with cricket?! The girls from Team "Are we there yet?" are walking 20 miles around late night London on 16 Sept in support of Maggie's Cancer Caring Centres and we need all the help we can get!" I have 47 vests I can donate if that helps? 55th over: India 201-8 (Dhoni 61, Sharma 0) Anderson replaces Swann, who has the slightly weird series average of 116.50. Dhoni turns down a single for the first time, steals two into the leg side and then, when the field comes up for the fifth ball, spanks a pull stroke for four. This has been a brilliant innings; pure mental strength really. 56th over: India 205-8 (Dhoni 61, Sharma 4) Sharma fends a short one from Bresnan just short of Bell at short leg and then tickles a short delivery to the fine-leg boundary. Bresnan is one wicket away from backto-back five-fors, and that's the end of a fascinating session in which MS Dhoni decided that he was mad as hell and he was not going to take this anymore. He will resume on 61 after tea, when Andy Bull will be with you. You can email him on andy.bull@guardian.co.uk. TEA

Afternoon everyone. MS Dhoni is making a stand. He's had enough of being bullied by England, and has come out swinging like a man who happens to be captain of the world's No1 team, which is exactly what he is, for the next five days at least. Longer if MS has his way. Good works dept. Eamonn Maloney is a man in need: "[insert embarrassed line about not usually directly soliciting for donations but it's for a good cause etc etc] ... Thing is, payday's not til Tuesday and I'm a bit short on drinking money for the weekend. [line about kind-heartedness and deep pockets of OBO community]....[link to JustGiving site]." Yeah, while we're at it, I could do with a pay rise, and you people get this for free. Maybe it's time I started holding you all to ransom. "Do you know, it's been so long since England had a shocker I've forgotten which out of you and Smyth was the unlucky one," says Richard Craig. Depends entirely on which sphere of life you're talking about Richard. If you mean cricket, as opposed to say, love, well it seems to swing from series to series. Let's try that again: Good works dept. This time it's over to Christopher Carr. "Hi Andy, I am sure you get a heck of a lot of requests for this sort of thing, but am hoping you can help. A chap called Robert Manning has managed to get bands Ash and We Are Scientists to record a version of his song "Washington Parks" to raise money for multiple sclerosis (MS). He's also managed to get a professional video made by a director in NYC. Am hoping you could embed the video maybe and post a link to his blog where the song is available to download... all proceeds go to raise vital funds for the MS Society." No sooner asked... Than done. Here's a link to Mr Manning's blog and backstory 57th over: India 209-8 (Dhoni 65, Sharma 4) Jimmy Anderson takes the first over of the afternoon session. There are 35 to bowl before stumps. Dhoni turns down a single, sparing Sharma from the strike. He steps away to leg to play the sixth ball, and pushes it past point for four. "Perhaps if you were to post Eamonn Maloney's bank details, sort code and security number we could all transfer some money into his account," suggests Paul Wakefield, "to fund his bacchanalian lifestyle / use his money to fund our own shopping trips for new pants and shoes." New pants? I can't help but feel you've revealed more about yourself than you meant to there, Paul. 58th over: India 209-8 (Dhoni 65, Sharma 4) The breeze in Birmingham is so strong that it has blown one of the bails off the stumps. It could be time to get out the lignum vitae set. Broad is limping a little now. It doesn't stop him sending down a barrage of short balls at Sharma, who does his best to get in behind them and play them down to the ground with a straight bat. 59th over: India 216-8 (Dhoni 70, Sharma 4) And so it goes, the fourth umpires has brought out the heavy bails, so we shan't be troubled by the wind. Dhoni pops up on his toes and takes two leg byes from a ricochet around the corner to fine leg. He seems to be playing a little more sensibly now he has the steadfast Sharma for company rather than the reckless Praveen Kumar. That said, he eases the next ball away for four and then, to rub salt in the wound, steals a single and the strike off the sixth. 59th over: India 222-8 (Dhoni 76, Sharma 4) Broad takes out a slip and spreads his field back on the boundary. They're trying to encourage Dhoni to take a single by packing the outfield. Well, yes, he could do that. Or he could do this: Broad bangs in a short ball and Dhoni cocks his front leg and swivels on the back foot, hooking a six up and over the head of the man at long leg. Strauss gets angry later in the over, waving his arms in frustration as he ushers his team in from the boundary to stop the single from the final two balls. "While we're on the subject of brazenly soliciting ourselves for cash, I'm doing a charity cycle ride for the male cancer awareness campaign next week." No, not me. My idea of exerting myself in the name of a good cause doesn't extend beyong a quick cut-and-paste job. But Ben Roberts: "I'm cycling with 7 other fools from Southend to Galway. That's 600 miles. And we're all wearing flesh tone lycra body suits." Right. Because flesh tone lycra body suits make it a much more appealing prospect for the rest of us.

60th over: India 223-8 (Dhoni 76, Sharma 4) Dhoni sneaks another single off the fifth ball, blocking a yorker away to to square leg. Strauss is taking a hammering from the ex-captains club in the Sky press box because of his negative tactics. And at the moment Dhoni is making England's ploy look silly by milking the strike as he sees fit. WICKET! Dhoni 77 c Strauss b Broad (India 224-9) Well, so much for the know-alls. Strauss gets a little luck as Dhoni slices a wide ball straight to England's solitary slip. It was a real yahoo of a shot, he was trying to smear it down the ground, but the ball moved away just enough to take the edge. 62nd over: India 224-9 (Sharma 4, Sreesanth 0) India's last pair are together then, and Broad needs one more to complete another five-for. WICKET! Sharma 4 c Cook b Anderson (India 224) Well, I'll be... what an unlucky way to get out. Ishant Sharma clips a drive straight towards Cook at silly point. He turns away in self-preservation and the ball hits him flush in the armpit, where it stays, snagged in his clothing. India are 224 all out, Cook has a goofy grin on his face and and Sharma can't believe his luck. "Well," says Louise Wright. "That's told Naylor, anyway." We can all take consolation in that, eh? England have 25 overs to bat this evening. There is a little cloud overhead and a touch of grass underfoot on the wicket. 1st over: England 0-0 (Strauss 0, Cook 0) Strauss has gone eight Test innings without a fifty now. His last was at the SCG back in January. I'll forgive him that, given how well his side are doing, but others aren't so generous. Like Wayne Stubbs: "I'd like to talk about the skipper. The team's performance as a whole has rather masked the fact that he's seriously out of form. If he weren't captain he'd surely have been dropped by now, and if the team weren't winning there'd be calls for his head." There's no need to tinker with a winning team, Wayne, surely. He survives a woeful LBW appeal from Praveen Kumar, who cleared his throat with an optimistic shout for a ball that was pitching six inches outside leg stump. 2nd over: England 0-0 (Strauss 0, Cook 0) Sreesanth has been promoted above Ishant Sharma in the pecking order, and will take the new ball. Cook, who has made 20 runs in four innings so far in this series, watches the one, two, three, four, five balls sail by well wide of his wicket. Perhaps the sixth will be a surprising straight one. But no. It is the same as all the others, and Cook leaves it alone. That's a pretty poor first over. 3rd over: England 0-0 (Strauss 0, Cook 0) Kumar wobbles the ball this way and that, and Strauss pushes and prods his way through another maiden, the third of the innings. 4th over: England 1-0 (Strauss 0, Cook 1) Cook tries a cut, but only chops the ball down into the ground off his bottom edge. Sree's eighth ball is the first straight delivery he has managed, and Cook pats it back down the wicket. Sky flash up the scorecard, and it strikes me again that England's order looks a lot more vulnerable with Ian Bell at No3 and those two dashing young Turks Eoin Morgan and Ravi Bopara at No5 and 6. Trott has been England's rock in the last 12 months, as permanent as Everest and almost as immoveable. England snap and sprint a quick single, a good return throw from Gautam Gambhir at point cost Strauss his wicket. Almost. 5th over: England 5-0 (Strauss 0, Cook 5) Steve Davis shakes his head at another LBW appeal from Praveen, who beat the outside edge of Cook's bat with a zippy little delivery that would have gone on to miss off-stump. "Struggling with Wayne Stubbs' comment a bit (Over 1)," says Chris Bloor. "Strauss is the captain and the team has been winning. So he hasn't been dropped. And he isn't likely to be dropped. And no one is really seriously calling for him to be dropped." Apart from one man, obviously.

6th over: England 16-0 (Strauss 11, Cook 5) Shot sirrah! Wayne Stubbs' criticisms have reached Andrew Strauss in the middle, and he responds with a disdainful cut shot, cracking the ball past cover for four. Two balls later in the over he glances four out the other way, towards wide mid-on. He repeats that shot moments later, but doesn't connect quite so cleanly and so this time he only gets three for it. The case for the prosecution, from Ed Rostron: "Strauss averages just 30.5 in 20 games since the 2009 Ashes; that average falls to 27 if you ignore the two games against Bangladesh. That's definitely dropping form, over that period of time, and I think that he needs a score before this series is over." 7th over: England 24-0 (Strauss 19, Cook 5) Sreesanth has already gone into a funk. He's strolling around the boundary shaking his head and kicking his heels. Six overs into the innings and India's attack is looking pretty innocuous. In fact, I think there are probably a few more challenging units in county cricket. Strauss cracks four past point with a cut, and then steers four more past the slips. 8th over: England 32-0 (Strauss 19, Cook 13) Dhoni tells Sree to go and cool his heels while Ishant Sharma has a bowl. Seems that promotion has been swiftly reversed. Before Ishant can start his over though the groundstaff have to come out and tamp down some of the turf on the bowling crease. The Indians are having a little trouble with their bowling strides. That rectified, Sharma starts with a shortish ball which Cook dispatches for four through mid-wicket. And that's - you'll never guess - four more. Cook now has his highest score of the series, and, while I don't want to tempt fate, India are dishing up more pies than the Pukka factory at the moment. 9th over: England 32-0 (Strauss 23, Cook 13) You can smell the contempt in that shot coming through the TV screen. Praveen serves up a Kaliber-quality bouncer, waist high outside off stump, and Strauss lashes it four four to cow corner. Kumar starts grumbling about the turf again, and the groundstaff come out with out a shovel and scrape off the top-soil to try and make it a little more even underfoot. MS Dhoni jokingly suggests that it may be more helpful if they took the shovel and get to work on a good length so that his bowlers have something to work with. "The fixation with Strauss' average does somewhat overlook his value as a captain, leader, selector, media front, etc etc" says Chris Bloor. "Or to put it another way, Jonathan Trott has a very good average but would be a terrible captain." Let's be honest, this is a nondebate worthy of some of Fleet Streets more desperate news desks. No one is going to drop Strauss, and only an ignoramus would argue any different. 10th over: England 36-0 (Strauss 23, Cook 13) An innocuous maiden from Sharma. "RE: Chris Bloor's comment (Over 8), if Strauss's value to the team is as captain, leader, media front etc perhaps we should sack him and bring back Mike Brearley. Or Sir Edmund Hillary." Personally I think Clive of India would be a better bet, Ronald Grover. He has a pretty good track record in contests like these. Is he still available do you know? 11th over: England 36-0 (Strauss 23, Cook 13) Another maiden, so India have at least tightened their act up after giving away 35 runs in five overs. 12th over: England 37-0 (Strauss 23, Cook 14) "Good to see the Tubby Taylor undroppability theory being applied to Strauss," says Eamonn Maloney. "Further proof that England's recent success is founded on a solid education in the Australian classics. Tempt Rob into getting a stat for me - reckon Tubby would have only averaged around 35 after being made captain, but was absolutely invaluable." Sadly Rob has cut and run already, something to do with an early start our taskmasters inflicted on him this morning. Never mind. I'll do it myself. Tubby's average as captain was a respectable 39.63, as opposed to his career mark of 43.49. But there was a spell of a year around 1997 or so when he couldn't buy a run. 13th over: England 37-0 (Strauss 23, Cook 14) "If we're talking historical characters as England captains, Lord Kitchener has to be in with a shout," says John Starbuck. If non-English, then Julius Caesar might suit." No, you're wrong there John. Julius Caesar was English. And an excellent all-rounder to boot.

14th over: England 37-0 (Strauss 23, Cook 14) Another maiden. Miek Selvey is spot-on here: "I think you will find that the severe dip in Strauss's average is not so much that he has not been batting well but that his conversion rate from 50 to 100 , a great strength, has dipped dramatically. It is a concentration issue, something of which he is well aware." 15th over: England 43-0 (Strauss 23, Cook 20) India appeal for a delivery that pitched outside leg. Desperate times, desperate measures. Cook knocks the next delivery off his hip and away for four. Out on the boundary Ishant Sharma decides against cutting it off and lets it run under his foot and across the rope. "If the Strauss thing is a non-issue, can we go back to discussing shoes?" we certainly can, Ryan Dunne. I took The Guardian's fashion guru Hadley Freeman to watch her first game of cricket not so long ago. She told me that all men's shoes look, to a greater or lesser extent, like baked potatoes. At the time this struck me as a witty half-truth. But I now suspect that actually she was just modifying the remark so as to avoid causing offence. I suspect what she actually meant was "your shoes look like baked potatoes". Because they do. No matter which pair I am wearing. They all resemble jacket spuds. A traumatic sort of thought to be struck by that. I'm going to invest in a pair of these 16th over: England 51-0 (Strauss 31, Cook 20) Strauss gets his first runs in a while, tapping four away off his pads. No wonder why - the sulking Sreesanth is back into the attack. His sixth ball is a stinker, and Strauss crashes it away square for four more. That's the fifty partnership up. 17th over: England 57-0 (Strauss 36, Cook 20) Giggle. 18th over: England 58-0 (Strauss 37, Cook 20) Dhoni should bring his leggie into the attack, if for no other reason than my own personal entertainment. "Maybe if we can get a general consensus that Strauss should be dropped big runs will come seemingly overnight," points out Billy Kingman. "Worked for Broad after all." That's true. On another note, is anyone listening to TMS? I imagine Boycott is coming in off his long run about India's performance today. Sticks of rhubarb, his grandmother in the backgarden, even Agnew fancying a bat against them, all that sort of stuff. Can anyone confirm my hunch? 19th over: England 61-0 (Strauss 37, Cook 22) Ishant is back into the attack, but before he can start there's a stoppage as the wind whips umpire Davis' hat off his head. He sets off in pursuit, but he should know better. There's nothing more foolish than a man chasing his hat. When play starts up again, Ishant delivers another miserly over. His five have cost just 12 runs so far. 20th over: England 71-0 (Strauss 48, Cook 22) And here is Amit Mishra. He's 28, and has played 11 Tests. He's taken plenty of wickets in his short time (40), but they've come at a cost (38). As he comes on to bowl his first ball, Warne and Athers come into the commentary box. "As one leggie comes on to bowl, another comes on to the commentary," says Athers. I assume he's talking about himself rather than the Aussie fellow sat alongside him. "Boycott's not on TMS just now," says John Starbuck. "But we did have a line earlier about how Fred Trueman would have bowled at India without taking his cap or sweater off." Mishra hasn't made mush of a start. His first ball is a gentle roller, and a little short at that, and Strauss cracks it through cover for four. His third delivery is far too full, and Strauss wallops that away as well. Three singles from the final three balls, and that's a pretty poor start, with 11 off it. There was one copnsolation though - he got his sixth delivery to turn an awful lot. 21st over: England 74-0 (Strauss 49, Cook 24) Brian Cloughly knows his OBO and his gangster movies: "Wow, the umpire losing his hat was a gimme for you..." Indeed it was, Brian. I'll probably text Smyth later to tell him just how satisfying that moment was. 22nd over: England 78-0 (Strauss 49, Cook 25) Mishra tosses up another one from around the wicket, and it deflects away fine off Cook's pads for four. He is getting the ball to turn like a top, every now and then."Hadley Freeman is right," agrees Gary Naylor, who is obviously as well versed in male footwear as he is in the 1990s Lancashire cricket. "But better for shoes to look like baked potatoes than the cast-offs of Snr Torquemada. Probably..."

23rd over: England 80-0 (Strauss 50, Cook 26)"I appreciate Zaheer is injured and R P Singh is detained by visa issues, but are these three really the best seamers that India have got at the moment?" scoffs David Wall. "Okay, perhaps it's not fair to include Ishant in that criticism, but what happened to people like Irfan Pathan?" Irfan Pathan? He got fat and the selectors ended up picking him as a pinch-hitting opening batsman who could ply an over or two in the middle of the innings. And that's fifty for Strauss, his first in eight month, raised with a single tom the leg side and celebrated with a nod of the bat. 24th over: England 82-0 (Strauss 51, Cook 26) Mishra spins a delivery out of the rough and in towards Cook's stumps. He can make the ball grip and rip, no doubt about it. 24th over: England 84-0 (Strauss 21, Cook 27) Suresh Raina is going to bowl the first over of the day. Warne is disgusted by the Ather's description of Raina as a spinner. "Let's hope this is better than the buffet bowling he served up at Trent Bridge," says Warne. And then, as the first delivery comes down, "well, that's not going to change my mind." Raina, he says, is just "out of his depth in Test cricket and needs to go away and learn how to play the short ball." Well, that's stumps, and with the exception of that innings from Dhoni, this has been an utterly dominant day for England. They were very good, and the truth is they didn't even have to test themselves all that much or try that hard. They can, and have, played better than they did today. Right now India look a broken team, and there's no question England have got the beating of them. Right. Apologies if that last session was a little lacklustre on my part, my attention kept drifting away. More caffeine needed. I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully feeling a little sharper and smarter, to talk you though the second day. Thanks for all your emails, and I'll see you then.

Third Test, day two, Edgbaston

England v India - day two as it happened

Alistair Cook scored an unbeaten 182 as England cruised to a 232-run lead Good morning everyone. This being the height of summer it should be no surprise that it is a miserable morning in Edgbaston, soggy and overcast with thick grey cloud. Or so I'm told. I'm 101 miles away. Maybe someone nearer the ground can give us an update or two on how much play we can expect to see today. If the rain is going to come and go, it could be a difficult day for batting. But frankly, after India's abject performance yesterday, anyone interested in seeing a close cricket match shouldn't mind too much if the elements line-up with the opposition. They need all the help they can get. So in the meantime, we're going to need some cud to chew and some breeze to shoot. Riffs please! While I'm waiting for you to do my work for me, here's some more quality filler to distract you while I swing my feet up on the desk and sip my coffee. Vic Marks is full of admiration MS Dhoni's counterattacking charge from yesterday afternoon, though if we're honest it was a little like watching an officer go over-the-top on his own. "Whereupon Dhoni did what Dhoni does best. He played some shots. Some were measured, almost delicate. He waited and waited some more for an over-pitched off-break from Graeme Swann, so that he could punch it past the left hand of extra cover with the minimum of effort and the maximum of power. Some were plain brutal. He thumped a blameless delivery from Jimmy Anderson towards the Bullring, an

acceptable act of violence that ended with the ball in the stands. Then he shuffled down the pitch to drag a ball from Bresnan over the mid-wicket boundary, in the general direction of Selly Oak. Later on Stuart Broad, that purveyor of fast, full-length swingers in this series, decided to bounce the India captain. Dhoni leant back and hooked and the ball flew towards Solihull." David Hopps proves he has done a diligent job on the news beat by making it clear in the intro to this very good little piece that he did actually speak to a policeman at some point in the course of the day. "Forgive us our retreat into games, because cricket's sense of moral compass has never seemed more valuable. The Spirit of Cricket might be a somewhat nebulous concept, and easily dismissed, but it underpins the structures and the rhythms of the game and provides a basis for great deeds and decent behaviour, and somehow that seems more comforting than ever." Hoppsy also scurried off to hear what Duncan Fletcher had to say about the day's play. Poor old Duncan. Six weeks ago he miust have thought he was settling in to one of the prize jobs in world cricket. Now he must be having all kinds of flashbacks - shambolic warm-up, injuries to key players, a whitewash on the cards - to 2006. The umpires are out in the middle, having a stroll around the outfield with their hands in their pockets. Good news! Play will start at 11.30am. In a way I'm a little disappointed that play is going to start so soon, I was hoping that if Sky had to fill more airtime they'd eventually get around to discussing the riots, and I'm desperate to hear Ian Botham unload with both barrels on England's problems. In fact, I'd be quite keen to see him and Boycott be given their own talk show in which they tackle the issues of the day. Boycott and Beefy on Blighty. Simon Hattenstone wrote the classic piece on Botham's views on English society. You can read it here. It includes - and I love to imagine the look on Simon's face as Beefy was coming out with this stuff - the classic paragraph: "It has been suggested that now Botham has his knighthood, he has softened. He seems as tough as ever. 'I haven't softened I can assure you,' he says, smiling. 'There are a lot of things out there that really piss me off and I've got a long way to go yet. Lots of things in society are appalling.' Such as? 'Grannies getting beaten and raped for a fiver. Where do you want to start? Society is a mess. We're in a real mess at the moment and there needs to be some authority. Not just nabbing drivers doing 10 miles an hour, what about doing some real work, these rapes, gangs, drugs, sex offenders, you know. These bloody paedophiles. What is going on? There's no deterrent. Very simple, no deterrent.' He pauses. No, he says, it is definitely not him who has gone soft. 'Society's gone soft. Too many do-gooders out there and not enough doers.'" I'm not sure about you, but I don't understand a word of this email from Ryan Dunne: "Following yesterday's fabulous (in every sense) shoe-talk, how about one on the importance of hair? Although I'm also fond of Fudge Hair Varnish (which is Australian, so I patriotically stopped using it during the Ashes), and Toni & Guy's Funky Gum, my recent quasi-romantic problems started at exactly the same time I ran out of Bed Head Manipulator. Coincidence?" True story: I used to cut my own hair. Those of you who can remember my old byline photo won't be surprised by that. It took me ten years to figure out that this was a bad idea. Gower has just accused Botham of being "really annoying in the dressing room" because "he used to set light to people". "I didn't used to set light to people" grumbles Botham, "I used to set light to their newspapers." Botham, famously, once tied Boycott's hands behind his back, stripped him naked and covered him in shaving foam. Possibly while sitting on his chest and thrusting his fists into his face and shouting "stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!" My favourite assessment of Botham's captaincy

skills, and in fact one of my favourite quotes in the history of cricket, was this one by Ray Illingworth: "Botham's idea of motivating people was to squirt a water pistol at them and then go and get pissed." "Ryan Dunne appears to be suggesting that his current relationship problems can be attributed to his hair style of choice and lack of styling products as opposed his shoes," writes Lori McConnachie. "The words In and Denial spring to mind." While I'm daydreaming about Botham and Boycott, Gary Naylor has other things on his mind: From behind the sofa, I've just had a look at those Ashes 2006-7 stats for some more parallels re Duncan Fletcher. England's batting, like India's now, looks strong but they never seemed to fire at once and nobody ever looked in form (at least Dravid has in this series). But it is in the bowling that the parallels are strongest. Hoggy was a bit of a Praveen Kumar - a craftsman swinger, but couldn't frighten batsmen brimming with confidence. Flintoff, like Ishant, banged it in and looked threatening at times, but was not able to build pressure because there was always someone going for plenty at the other end. Monty and Gilo looked out of sorts and in need of a bit of help from the pitch - help that wasn't forthcoming. Harmison, like Sreesanth, could bowl few unplayable ones, but there was always a four-ball just round the corner. Saj Mahmood and Jimmy, like Munaf Patel and RP Singh, looked very short of the mental and physical preparation a Test series demands. The batsmen kicked on to form the basis of this excellent England side, but the bowlers (ex-Jimmy, who is really a rather different man and player these days) have disappeared from the international picture. Fletcher is a brilliant batting coach, but has he the knowledge, the eye and, most of all, the sympathy that bowlers need? They are your matchwinners after all?" Actually, the most pertinent point is this: when he was in charge of England Duncan had almost complete control. He found the ECB to be such a shambles that over the years he took charge of almost every single aspect of the team's preparation and management, from flights and hotels, to warm-up matches and net sessions. While this system had its problems - he has admitted that he lost sight of the things he was best at - I think that the autonomous style suited him well. But the India job appealed to him precisely because he was being hired to concentrate on two things - man-manage players, and improve their techniques. That means he does not have the same control over the shape and make-up of the team and their attitude, or the nature of their preparation. He can't impose himself on India in the same way he did on England. Remember how ruthless he was in weeding out players who didn't have the right character? He is not going to be able to mould the Indian team as he did the English one, because he doesn't have the same degree of influence. And, as Mike Selvey points out "Fletch was a pretty good seamer" himself back in his playing days. Philip Woodger is "seriously thinking of moving back to the UK after thirty odd years of easy living in Luxembourg. So what's the reality of England, mindless thugs on street corners or balmy evenings watching village cricket on the green?" Somewhere between the two, Philip, for the last few days it has been a case of balmy evenings watching mindless thugs on street corners. "Hang on," pipes up Steve Dickens. "Cutting your own hair isnt a good idea? How much of a bad idea is it? Are we talking about not declaring at Trent Bridge bad ie not very important at all or [insert anything the Indian side have done for the past month] bad." The trouble is Steve, that the folly of it magnifies over time. I remember the first time I did go to get a haircut after a decade of doing it myself, and the man holding the scissors said "who cut your hair last time? Do you realise that you've got twice as much on the left side of your head as on the right?" Here come the batsmen, Cook and Strauss. They punch gloves on their way out to the middle - seems you don't even have to have scored a run to do that these days. 26th over: England 89-0 (Strauss 54, Cook 30) Sreesanth is going to take the first over. He was woeful yesterday, and seemed to go to pieces after bowling two bad overs. Manas Jayawant Phadke tells me that there has been a diktat from the ECB in the Edgbaston press box: "As reported by NG, "It has been

detected that there has been inappropriate use of the bandwidth in the press box with people downloading music, movies, programmes, skyping etc. If you are found doing that today your computer would be blocked. Full Stop." Ah-ha! That's be Bumble downloading the complete back catalogue of The Fall, no doubt. Or Hoppsy live-streaming Classic FM. Out in the middle it is all as you were. Sreesanth gets a little swing, but his line is all wrong. Cook clips three runs away towards mid-wicket, and Strauss pats two out to a similar place. 27th over: England 89-0 (Strauss 54, Cook 30) Praveen Kumar will start at the other end, and his first over is a maiden. "It always amuses me watching Praveen," says Athers. "No matter what the situation he always looks like he has bowled about 35 overs in searing heat." Athers, of course, was renowned for his impeccable appearance in his playing days. You'd never catch him with a week's worth of stubble on his chin, and a set of whites so dishevelled that it looked like he'd crawled backwards through a thicket to make it to the ground in time after a tough night on the town. Oh no. 28th over: England 93-0 (Strauss 54, Cook 30) Sreesanth serves up the obligatory leg side four-ball. This time Strauss misses it, and it runs away off the pads to fine leg. Amen, John Jules, Amen: Haircuts. "I honestly have no greater fear than going to the barbers. There are just so many things to consider. Mainly, what do I talk about with the guy? They always want to have a chat, football, weather, what do you do this is the most annoying one - what do you do? Have to give the guy my life story. All I want is a short back and sides." 29th over: England 93-0 (Strauss 54, Cook 30) Another maiden from Parveen, who has started very well today. "Given the extent of Duncan Fletcher's control over the England team, and his stubbornness when it comes to selecting players of the right temperament, could you give any insight into why he chose Flintoff over Strauss as captain during his tenure? I've never been able to fathom why he would choose to work with two hot-heads over someone a bit more methodical." Indeed I can, Mike Jakeman. I'd say it was an attempt to try and keep Flintoff onside. Fletcher and the management were worried that if Flintoff wasn't made captain he, and, a few of his close friends in the squad, would just be too disruptive and disengaged from the squad. It was a bit of a gamble, and it didn't pay off. As Fletch told Strauss at the time though, "there may be a time when you thank me for this." He was right too. 30th over: England 94-0 (Strauss 55, Cook 30) Strauss takes a single, and Sreesanth then pulls out of his delivery stride as he comes in to bowl at Cook. Again, he has a grumble about the run-ups. "This series meant a lot to me as I am sure it has meant a lot to so many of your readers," says Darren Kottler. "I have supported England through thick and thin and now that we are on the verge of becoming no. 1 in the rankings I was really looking forward to a blood & guts battle that showed England as battlers who had fought tooth & nail for the crown. This hasn't happened I have an empty, hollow and slightly disappointed sensation going on at the moment. Does anyone else feel like this, or is it enough to be no. 1 in any way possible?" I know what you mean, Darren. India have been so poor, that this series has been a little disappointing. It's not been the kind of fierce tussle we were anticipating. 31st over: England 94-0 (Strauss 55, Cook 30) That's a lovely ball from Praveen, zipping past Strauss' off-stump. His heart must have skipped a beat the ball flew by. Praveen has bowled 18 dot balls in a row now. India have at least tightened up their lines and lengths overnight. "As an England fan I don't think I'll ever forgive Duncan Fletcher for the 2006/7 Ashes," says Indy Neogy. "But I do think it's unfair to blame him for India's woeful state in this series. All the crucial decisions, from the scheduling of the WI Tour, the lack of warm-up matches, the subservience to the IPL were taken by the board before Fletcher arrived. Finally of course, India's pace attack isn't that deep for English conditions and the loss of Zaheer has been huge. Yes, he could have been chivvied to spend more time on the exercise bike, but in the light of the ankle injury, the reality is he probably shouldn't have toured in the first place. I refer people who don't understand the value of Zaheer to how much the England attack struggled without Jimmy against SL earlier this summer." I agree with all that Indy, and Sanjay Manjrkar has just said that back in India the critics are concentrating their fire on the IPL and the effect it had on the team's preparation, rather than the coach. No doubt when India do finally fly home there will be a few blowhards in the media who lay in to Duncan, though.

32nd over: England 100-0 (Strauss 60, Cook 31) Sreesanth drops in a short ball, and Strauss larrups it to wide mid-on. He doesn't quite collar it though, and has to settle for two rather than four. When he pushes the next ball away square for a single, England's hundred is up. "I don't see the problem myself," says Lord Selvey. "I've been cutting my own hair for years. The barbers I used to go to in my youth were always the sort that had in the window faded headshots of men all of whom looked like Aleem Dar. Exactly what was bay rum?" 33rd over: England 100-0 (Strauss 60, Cook 31) Praveen's fourth consecutive maiden. Dot-to-dot-to-dot. "Ooh, I wonder who else the Press Box culprit might be," says Mac Millings. "Botham downloading his own autobiography (again)?" 34th over: England 100-0 (Strauss 60, Cook 31) Ishant Sharma is in to the attack now. He has been parsimonious in this match so far, giving up 16 runs from seven overs. Make that eight overs - this was another maiden. "My favourite barber (back when I had some hair and was in the chair long enough to have to strike up conversation) was an Italian guy who spent all his time chatting about the ladies (sample quote "I love summer, even the ugly girls look good")," says Patrick Seaman, "and then when I happened to be there on his last day told me he had a thing for his male housemate. That's high class small talk in my book." 35th over: England 101-0 (Strauss 61, Cook 31) Praveen finally gives up a run, his first in 31 balls today "I share the common fear of the barber," says Toby Blake. "My wife cuts mine - essentially just trims an inch or so off every couple of months or so. I may resemble a tramp with baked potatoes for shoes, but at least I don't have to talk about holidays or which nightclubs I attend. Incidentally, on the shoe issue, women judging men by their footwear has the useful dual purpose of allowing us to filter out the astonishingly superficial. Now, where are my sandals?" Yeah, that's right John. Anyone who doesn't appreciate the raw sexiness of your sandals/socks combination must be superficial. 36th over: England 105-0 (Strauss 65, Cook 31) England are going slowly about their work. They have plenty of time to play with, I suppose. Strauss squirts two runs past gully in this over, by accident rather than design. An update on Broadband-gate from the Edgbaston press box. "Not guilty!" Bumble tells us. "Got them all already mate. Newest one the best." 37th over: England 105-0 (Strauss 65, Cook 32) Cook squirts an edge down towards second slip. That's as close as India have come to a wicket today. How to make friends and influence people, Ian Jones style: "When the barber asked me this morning "What kind of cut do you want?" I answered 'A quiet one.'" 38th over: England 106-0 (Strauss 65, Cook 32) "Somebody shouted 'sort it out Boris' at me as I cycled into Waterloo station this morning," says Kevin Moody. "Which I usually take as a sign that a haircut is again overdue." Sounds like a fairly reliable sort of indicator, yes. Do you always base your personal grooming decisions on whether or not the situation has got so bad that people are shouting at you in the street? Sharma sends down a wide, wide ball, wider than Walker the Spiv, and Dhoni gets in a terrible tangle trying to take it. It's a bye. And then, all of a sudden, Sharma clicks and bowls two wonderful balls at Strauss. They slide just by the outside edge. 39th over: England 111-0 (Strauss 65, Cook 32) "My theory is that your new professionally coiffured byline pic appeared roughly around the time we started hearing the words "wedding" and "honeymoon" in snippets of life chez Bull that leaked onto the OBO," says Charlie Wilson. "Any truth in the idea of a Fletcher-style disciplinary influence at home? Similarly, my theory is that Ian Ronald finally worked out how not to nibble outside off in difficult situations once Sky started cutting to a rather pleasant looking lady in the stands every time he hit a boundary." On that note, Ian Ronald seems to be sporting the beginnings of some sort of 'tache in this match, which is a bold move indeed. Goodness knows what kind of batsman he could become if he grows it out. As for my own byline pic, it had rather more to do with the fact that during the Ashes they actually started putting it in the paper. And the fact that my new boss told me it was "definitely time to get a new byline pic sorted."

40th over: England 120-0 (Strauss 70, Cook 36) The spell is broken. Strauss slashes four to third man, pulls a single away square and Cook then clatters a glorious cover drive away to the boundary. Those are the first fours of the morning. "The OBO isn't exactly a stranger to the joys of old gags, so Congratulations to Ian Jones (37th over) who may have set a new benchmark," says David Hopkins. "That barber gag was featured in a joke collection in the 4th century AD." 41st over: England 126-0 (Strauss 75, Cook 37) Perhaps David Hopkins will be more impressed by this twist on the old, ahem, 'classic', from Niall Rowantree: "I heard a similar exchange between a retired major in our local village and the barber. 'How would you like your hair sir?' 'Like the conversation...short'." Sreesanth is back on no... HOLD THE OBO... a consignment of FREE MEAT PIES has just landed on the sports desk. Oh happy day. Pies from heaven. I'm told they've been sent over by ESPN. Wow, they know the way to a sports hack's heart. Sky, you're going to have to up your game. 42nd over: England 130-0 (Strauss 75, Cook 41) This pie sat alongside me is a little distracting. It's looming in the corner of my eyeline, tempting me away from telling you about the cricket. It's a little like Oscar Wilde and his Sphinx: "In a dim corner of my room for longer than my fancy thinks A beautiful and silent pie has watched me through the shifting gloom. Inviolate and immobile she does not rise she does not stir For silver moons are naught to her and naught to her the suns that reel." Mmm.... pie. Oh, that's four more for Strauss, by the way. I mean Cook. Four more for Cook. 43rd over: England 135-0 (Strauss 75, Cook 45) "As a fashion-challenged woman, I plead with you for goodness sake to stop this endless wittering on about shoes and hair cuts and so on," says Usha Sundaram. "Who knew cricket fans and commentators were a bunch of metrosexual men? I am guessing all of you are about one hair clip away from starting a fashion column in the Daily Mail." Ahem, yes. In the afternoon we'll make amends with some more masculine talk about hammers and the roadworks on the A303. Shot, sir! Cook strides out and drives a four through extra cover. Sreesanth - did I mention he was bowling now has been a passenger in this innings. 44th over: England 136-0 (Strauss 76, Cook 45) Amit Mishra is going to bowl an over or two before the break. He comes around the wicket to Strauss, who pushes a single away square. Cook tries to do something similar and is almost caught at leg slip. "If you got told by the Big Paper Ed to get a new byline photo, how come Smyth's still looks like he is the lead singer in an Brit Pop indie band fallen on hard times?" asks Jim Carpenter. You say that like the "lead singer in an Brit Pop indie band fallen on hard times" is a look that Smyth wouldn't deliberately cultivate. Have you ever read his work before? 45th over: England 150-0 (Strauss 79, Cook 50) "Careful with the pie talk," says Eamonn Maloney. "We know that some of the Sky team read the OBO. Warney will be over there faster than you can call Liz to dob him in." Not any more. Warne only consumes diet shakes these days. I'd never have guessed that Slim Fast did a cheesy chips flavour, but you learn something new every day, eh? Sreesanth is coming around the wicket now. It doesn't stop his latest delivery disappearing down the leg side for four more leg byes. Cook knocks the sixth ball of a wretched over away square for four, and that brings up his fifty - from 130 balls - and England's 150. 46th over: England 156-0 (Strauss 84, Cook 50) Mishra switches back around the wicket, and Strauss then swats a glance away through mid-wicket for four more. It's beginning to look as though these two are going to pass India's total by themselves.

47th over: England 157-0 (Strauss 84, Cook 51) The last over of the session will be bowled by Suresh Raina. It is, like all his overs, entirely unthreatening. Right, Rob Smyth will be here after lunch to guide you through the afternoon session of what is turning in to one of the most ruthless displays in the recent history of Test cricket. Email him now, please, on rob.smyth@guardian.co.uk. I have to go and consider my ethical position on free pie. LUNCH Afternoon. What's the rumpus? Not much to say really; Strauss and Cook are killing India softly, as is their wont, so that the lower middle order can batter the corpse about the head. England are just too good. Yep, England are just too good. The world has indeed gone mad. Some videos from Rob Moody's marvellous archiveto watch while you insert food in your face 1. Merv Hughes' preposterous slower ball (sadly not the one to Chris Broad in 1989 if anyone can find that, my eternal gratitude will be in the post) 2. A brute from Courtney 3. Geoff Lawson is given not out despite mistaking the bails for a sofa 4. Possibly the most pathetic shot in the history of cricket 5. David Gower cops a stinker 6. Leo Johnson takes a wicket on debut for Australia 48th over: England 157-0 (Strauss 84, Cook 51) The delayed start this morning means that this will be a two-and-a-half hour session, with tea at 4.10pm and a 6.30pm close. We still have 68 overs remaining today, so England could have a lead approaching 200 by tonight. A lot will depend on Amit Mishra, who is going to start the session. He has a leg gully for Cook, a nice position because of the way Cook's head falls over to the off side. His first over is a maiden. "I understand the Strauss-Cook pairing is very high in the number of century partnerships for England," says John Starbuck, "but how do they do when it comes to 150+ partnerships?" This is their fifth. The England is record is seven, shared by Gooch/Atherton and Hobbs/Sutcliffe. However, in recent times Strauss and Cook have become better at turning a hundred partnership into a daddy partnership. Two such partnerships, at Lord's and Brisbane, were the foundation of Ashes victories in 2009 and 2010-11. 49th over: England 157-0 (Strauss 84, Cook 51) Praveen Kumar bowls wide of off stump; Andrew Strauss lets the ball go. This could be fun. "Afternoon, my take on all this is that my sole reason for a visit to the hair choppers is to have my hair chopped, not to be the recipient of a diatribe about said chopper's 'fella' or 'missus' whilst being held captive on a chair with Batman's cape tied backwards around my neck," says Mike Hughes. "What I offer is a financial incentive... 'No4 on top and 3 on the sides for which I will pay 50% over the odds for a non verbal hair cut'. I am 42 and to this day not one hair chopper has managed to claim the 50% reward!! Mmmm free pies." I have no idea what any of this refers to, but yes, barbers who talk can be very annoying. One of the advantages of being a member of the bald community, I'm told. 50th over: England 167-0 (Strauss 84, Cook 58) A terrible over from Mishra includes three no-balls and two filthy deliveries down the leg side that Strauss is unable to punish. Cook gets the first runs of the session by working a poor delivery from Mishra through midwicket for four, and is sufficiently emboldened to reverse sweep for three more later in the over. "Nice pick with the Walsh to Ritchie ball,"

says Chris Goater. "But I think this one to Atherton (first ball!) is even better, since it results in a wicket." The one after that isn't bad either, especially as it was the culmination of a brutal working-over. 51st over: England 172-0 (Strauss 84, Cook 63) Cook clips a shortish delivery from Kumar ruthlessly through midwicket for four more, and then gets away with a leading edge into the off side as his head falls over. "Over the last year or so, lots of people have posted of their man love for the entire squad, but I want to declare my admiration for Andrew Strauss," says Martin Sinclair. "He is just so nice, and capable, and reassuring and all those good things. I was really pleased that he was still there at the end of play and was fully expecting him to be on his way in three overs this morning, so I'm delighted that he is still there at lunch. Clearly, he will probably be out by 2pm, but I hope he goes on to make a really, really big score because I heart Andrew Strauss." It's a rare trick to be such a nice man while also being a very hard man, but Strauss manages it. 52nd over: England 178-0 (Strauss 85, Cook 65) India's body language is desperate. If this were a film they would be played by William H Macy. Mishra bowls another no-ball and then gets one to spit onto Cook's glove, from where it flies just wide of the man at leg gully. "I have recently had to change my barber," says Rob Thorpe. "My own fault really, pushed for time one day I popped in in my uniform (I'm a police officer). Big mistake. Since this day his eyes light up whenever I walk into his shop, and he regales me with ever taller tales of how he knows one of Newcastle's biggest gangsters, and the sort of stuff he apparently gets up to. All of which leads to a rather uncomfortable barbershop experience. You'll be pleased to hear that only does my new barber do a better job of my hair, he also provides hot towels, shaves my (apparently quite hairy) neck, and best of all, doesn't appear to have links to the underworld. A bargain for only 2.40 more, I'm sure you'll agree." 53rd over: England 178-0 (Strauss 85, Cook 65) Another maiden from Kumar, his 11th in 19 overs. "You think it's bad going to the hairdressers as a guy, trying being a girl!" says Elizabeth Connor, failing to realise that the two are not mutually exclusive. "Not only will the hairdresser expect your life history; they won't charge you anything less than 45 just for a trim and then they insist on giving you a hot drink which you can't drink because someone's cutting your hair. Safe to say I'm not a fan." At least you don't come out with this (warning: clip may contain big boys' language). 54th over: England 180-0 (Strauss 86, Cook 66) Strauss comes down the track to Mishra but then realises he is not to the pitch and aborts his attacking stroke. The next delivery is swept fine for a single. England trail by 44 now. They may be about to take the lead without losing a wicket for the second time in eight months, having done so at the MCG on Boxing Day. That would be an incredible achievement. "Am relatively hirstute myself," says Ryan Dunne, "but surely the main advantage of hair loss is, although it initially ages a man prematurely, they subsequently don't appear to age at all? Larry David, for example, looks just the same in the latest season of Curb Your Enthusiasm as he did ten years ago. Although arguably that might owe something to his peerless George Costanza sense of style." 55th over: England 182-0 (Strauss 86, Cook 68) Cork works Kumar off the hip again, this time just for a couple. Then the indefatigable Kumar has a quarter shout for caught behind when a fine delivery beats Cook. "I used to worry about what to talk about at the barbers, until I hit upon the perfect solution: lie," says George Wright. "Nothing too fruity or unbelievable, just small lies that help the conversation along a bit. For instance: claim to have had a massive night out last night, then fill in increasingly unlikely details about the celebrities you met and places you went. Alternatively, claim to be on a break from jury service for a really high-profile case that you can't go into details on, then get them to ask you questions about the case and strongly imply that it includes a member of the royal family." But then you get into 'which lie did I tell?' territory, and it ends in farce the next time you go the same barber. WICKET! England 186-1 (Strauss b Mishra 87) Mishra has a puppy-dog appeal for LBW against Strauss turned down. It was far too high. But Strauss falls next ball, bowled round his legs. He got too far across to play a premeditated sweep, and the ball deflected onto the outside of leg stump. It was a slightly unlucky dismissal I suppose. Strauss has missed out on a century, and Martin Sinclair is in tears.

56th over: England 186-1 (Cook 71, Bell 0) Strauss was unfortunate to be dismissed in more ways than one: replays show that it was an uncalled no-ball from Mishra. "Rob, whilst there is a haircut riff, can you ask if anyone on the OBO has ever done anything other than nod and say 'that's fine' when they are shown the back of their hair in the second mirror at the end of a haircut?" says Pat Coulson. "Surely no one English has." Ha, good question. The answer must be no. Expressing dissatisfaction with your haircut is about as wise as sending your food back into the kitchen of a Texan cafe. 57th over: England 190-1 (Cook 75, Bell 0) Since lunch, Cook has worked midwicket like a supermodel works a camera, and he gets four more off Kumar with a crisp flick off the legs. 58th over: England 191-1 (Cook 75, Bell 1) Bell sweeps Mishra for a single to get off the mark. Meanwhile, Bull has unfurled this gem of a dismissal. 59th over: England 203-1 (Cook 75, Bell 13) Ishant Sharma replaces Kumar (21-11-40-0), and Bell times a short one deliciously past point for four. The next ball is short, wide and also goes for four but this time it's to fine leg off the bottom edge. Bell makes it three boundaries in the over with a deliberate steer to third man. "I hope no one who knows one of Newcastle's biggest gangsters reads over 52 of this OBO, otherwise the Toon is going to have one mouthy barbersnitch fewer," says Mac 'The Hat' Millings. "I was going to suggest that he might get buried in the foundations of the Gallowgate End, but on second thoughts I reckon a season ticket might be a crueller punishment." 60th over: England 207-1 (Cook 76, Bell 16) Bell loves to dominate spin bowling, and he comes straight down the track to Mishra. Mishra sees him coming and sends down a flatter, quicker, wider delivery that Bell slices high over point for three. He was very lucky there. "I am getting confused by the scoreboard whilst following on the not-very-sly," says Simon. "It is showing the last man as Ian Bell, is he out as well?" No, it's a probably with the desktop scorecard apologies. The 'last man' is in fact the last man in. We also have a problem with the auto-refresh (press F5 every time there's a wicket, otherwise you won't get the full description). Apart from that, we're bang on top of our game. Oh aye. Awards please! 61st over: England 207-1 (Cook 76, Bell 16) Sharma beats the fencing Bell with a good lifter just outside off stump. It's a maiden. What can India realistically hope for here? I suppose Trent Bridge 2002 is a template for the draw and then if they win at the Oval they stay No1 in the world, but the experts reckon this pitch will break up a fair bit on days four and five. India can feel the soil falling over their head. "I used to get my hair cut in Luton Indoor Market in the mid-late 80's," says Tim Kingston, a first sentence of such promise that I've reached for the popcorn and swung a boot onto the desk. "It was cheap and cheerless. I once got overzealous with 'no, just a little shorter at the back', requests and ended up pretty much scalped apart from floppy indie fringe. I looked like a skinhead girl for a while." A lucky escape. I would have thought questioning a haircut in Luton Indoor Market in the early 1980s was about as advisable as asking a hungover Francis Begbie whether he thought Francesco Totti was a trequartista or a fantasista. 62nd over: England 208-1 (Cook 76, Bell 16) Another no-ball from Mishra, his fifth of the session I think. That's pretty shoddy for a spinner. I wonder which spinner has bowled the most no-balls in Test cricket. Phil Tufnell used to have a few problems, I think. In other news, apparently our scorecard says Strauss was LBW, but I can confirm he was bowled. Awards please! "I once was shown the back of my neck by a barber after a haircut on Borough High Street," says Nick Lezard. "I said something along the lines of 'could you take a bit more off?' and he went NUTS. He shouted at me using the most terrible language and then suggested I pay him double for giving me, in effect, two haircuts. Well, that's a mistake I never made again." Hairdressers almost as precious as writers? Who knew? 63rd over: England 217-1 (Cook 76, Bell 25) A hideous delivery from Sharma is cut for four by Bell. It was short and so wide that it would have been called wide had Bell not dismissed it past point. A similar delivery later in the over is steered to third man for another boundary by Bell. Sharma is bowling some abject filth, I'm afraid, and that has allowed Bell to scoot to 25 from 20 balls. "In terms of classy cricketers making the game of cricket look very ugly indeed, surely you can't go past this collaboration between

Martin Crowe, David Gower, and Lance Cairns?" says Edmund King. "Mere human language seems powerless to convey a moment like this." You must click on that clip, it is quite wonderful. 64th over: England 228-1 (Cook 81, Bell 30) Bell laps a Mishra no ball off middle stump for a single, and then Cook drives for four with perfect placement, bisecting the men at extra cover and mid off. Sharma at mid off might have got to it but his attempted diving stop was utterly hopeless. I don't subscribe to the view that this is a poor Indian side per se, but in the field they are a complete joke. Bell flicks four more through midwicket to take England into the lead. They could get 700 here. They could get 1000 if they wanted. For the most part, India can't be bothered. "Today's footwear," says Lord Selvey. "which I'm sure you'll agree is a good workman's boot minus hobnails. And I don't think it looks like any jacket spud I've ever had anyway." 65th over: England 229-1 (Cook 82, Bell 30) Bell is dropped by Rahul Dravid. It was a tricky low chance at first slip when Bell edged a push at a good delivery from Sreesanth, but a slipper of Dravid's quality would take that eight or nine times out of 10. His standards have been dragged down by the clowns around him. Dravid shakes his head in self-disgust. He really is annoyed with himself. He doesn't deserve to be a part of this. "A friend of mine at university, exasperated by three years of borderline racist 'small talk' from our local barber, finally snapped," says Rory Kinnear. "When asked 'And how would you like your hair cut today sir?' he replied, with the cold-bloodedness of a man who knew he'd never see this barber again, 'In absolute silence'." 66th over: England 231-1 (Cook 83, Bell 31) A quiet over from Mishra. "A local barber (well, local to me) used to keep a spare 'mirror' which was actually a photograph of rear view of a punk with a massive coloured mohican (the hairstyle not the American Indian)," says Andy Lloyd. "He thought this was the funniest thing ever. Admittedly it was mildly amusing the first time, but not thereafter..he is no longer in business." 67th over: England 237-1 (Cook 88, Bell 32) Cook slaps a wide delivery from Sreesanth through the covers for four to bring up the fifty partnership. After a poor series, Cook could well be in for the first time. "Rob, to follow on from all this haircut chit-chat can you please unashamedly plug this," says Kinder Goodall. "Poor bloke but I bet after 89 years his hair chopping chat would be grand." 68th over: England 239-1 (Cook 89, Bell 32) Another Mishra over, another no-ball. This is just weird. You can't have a spinner bowling so many balls. This will not stand, man. This overstepping will not stand. "I'm interested how all this grooming talk links with last week's talk of an OBO dating service.. Are the two things linked?" says Lizzy Ammon. "The men of the OBO trying to prove to the laydeez that they care about things like hair and shoes. My guess is that women who are on the OBO are more attracted by knowledge of 1950s touring squads than they are about by whether the man in question goes to the barbers or uses a knife and fork to cut his hair. But I could be wrong. I usually am on these matters." Oh stop it, or I'll be forced to launch into another eulogy to Geoffrey Howard's work as manager and administrator during the 1954-55 Ashes. 69th over: England 246-1 (Cook 94, Bell 34) Cook moves into the nineties by slamming another piece of short, wide filth from Sreesanth to the cover boundary. Bell then edges just short of second slip, which prompts a volley of sweet nothings from Sreesanth. "India really could do with this chap," says Daniel Harris. "I especially like the heading 'circle drawing incident'." 70th over: England 251-1 (Cook 99, Bell 34) Cook slices Mishra through the vacant slip area for four to move to 98, survives an optimistic LBW shout (he was outside the line), and then crunches a single to move within one run of his 19th Test century. "I have to nominate these guys for best barber name," says Alex McGillivray, "although it doesn't beat 'Brighton Wok' for a Chinese takeaway." WICKET! England 252-2 (Bell b Kumar 34) Alastair Cook reaches his century, and then Ian Bell falls next ball. It was a fine delivery from Praveen Kumar that seamed away and sent the off stump flying as

Bell pushed down the wrong line. That was pretty similar to the ball from Bresnan to Dravid yesterday. Kumar deserves that, having been the best of the seamers by a distance. 71st over: England 252-2 (Cook 100, Pietersen 0) Cook's hundred, a ruthless effort, is his 19th in Tests, and only Sachin Tendulkar has made more at the same age. He is, in the nicest sense of the word, a greedy bugger at the crease, and he is going to smash every England Test batting record going. "When I was 8 (and my brothers 6 and 12) my mum, always fastidious about our appearance, used to regularly take us to get our hair cut," says Lawrie Jones. "In a moment of weakness she asked my dad to take us once, as she was busy. We ended up at his alcoholic friend's barber shop who proceeded to cut our long blond hair into military style bowl cuts (now strangely fashionable again). I remember my father protesting that he had saved about 8, a sum not to be sniffed at. As they argued and she wailed, I remember her exclaiming 'they look like the effing Beatles'. The first time I saw my mum cry." I thought I was the only one who fell victim to a booze barber. We had a local barber who liked to have a few pints of Focus Distorter every lunchtime. Sadly I was only informed of this after I had my first (and last) undercut one afternoon at about 2.30pm, and had been laughed out of school for about a week. Thereafter I queued from 4am every time I needed a haircut. 72nd over: England 256-2 (Cook 104, Pietersen 0) Cook cracks Mishra for four more through the covers and then gets down to keep out a grubber. "I recently went to a Moroccan barbers close to where I work," says Alex Stevens. "With the main business completed, he asked me if I wanted him to take care of the short hairs, and assuming he was referring to the wispy ones on the back of the neck, said yes. He then pushed my head back on to the rest, produced some thread, and proceeded to pluck the fine hairs from around my eyebrows. Only upon seeing me wipe away the (manly) tears afterwards, did he realise: 'That wasn't what you thought it was going to be, was it?' I've not been back since." Have you ever had a head massage with one of those sonic devices? It's hard to imagine such a moreish assault. I was staggering left and right all the way home. 73rd over: England 261-2 (Cook 104, Pietersen 5) Pietersen gets off the mark by flicking Kumar in the air but well wide of leg slip for four. "Looks like Bell thought it was tea and was shuffling towards the pavilion before his stump was uprooted?" says Martyn Harrison. "Surely he should be reinstated?" I would argue there's a case for subtly amending the laws so that Ian Ronald Bell can only be dismissed if all three stumps are made to dance. 74th over: England 265-2 (Cook 104, Pietersen 9) Pietersen drives Mishra down the ground for four, a delightful shot all along the floor. "Some time ago I shaved off my beard after eleven years, to please my girlfriend," says John Orford. "To my horror I aged eleven years in a few minutes, a near-Dorian Gray experience. Then she said 'Oh, you look just like your mother put it back'." 75th over: England 269-2 (Cook 105, Pietersen 12) Pietersen pings Kumar contemptuously through midwicket for three. KP has started his innings with an authority that is pretty ominous for England. If they don't get him with the second new ball, it could be a miserable evening session. "Can I second Lizzy Ammon's comment about the type of men to which us OBOettes (as I think we were christened during the heady days of the Ashes summer 2009) are likely to take a shine," says Caro Cowan. "In fact I have a rule that I won't date a guy who spends more time doing his hair than me. And believe me, with my moptop, that isn't much time at all." I am glad you clarified matters with the information about your moptop. The penultimate sentence originally has my KennethWilliamsometer zinging like nobody's business. 76th over: England 271-2 (Cook 105, Pietersen 13) Mishra almost hurries a quicker ball through Pietersen, although it wouldn't have mattered as it was a no-ball, his eighth of the innings. Cook then screws one a fraction short of leg slip. "I remember a haircut from a relatively taciturn barber in Herndon, Virginia," begins Julian Calvert. "On the ledge in front of the mirror was a jar containing what looked like a severed ear in formaldehyde. I asked him what it was. 'It's an ear. If kids start misbehaving, I show them the ear. They behave.'" And to think David Cameron has gone to all that trouble over the water cannons.

77th over: England 276-2 (Cook 109, Pietersen 14) Sharma is an on for Kumar, whose old-school bowling has brought old-school figures of 24-11-50-1. Cook inside edges a nipbacker to fine leg for four. That didn't miss leg stump by much. A wicket here would be very timely for India, as they would fancy their chances of picking up Morgan and Bopara with the second new ball. "Boycott is discussing Botham's slip catching style," says Simon Huxtable. "He says that he often hoped that Botham got hit in the face with the ball, but never did. "Just a bit of dressing room banter," says Boycott. He seems almost as gleeful discussing the possibility of Botham copping one in the face as he was discussing Katy Perry's 'good, clear, strong' voice during the last Test." Did he really say that about Katy Perry? I imagine it said in the same, er, distracted voice used by Kevin Spacey in American Beauty when he says 'Any friend of Janey's... is a friend of mine' to Mena Suvari. 78th over: England 286-2 (Cook 109, Pietersen 24) A short delivery from Mishra is murdered through extra cover for four by Pietersen. Later in the over he charges down the track to blast a low full toss down the ground for a mighty six. He looks he's enjoying his Test batting as much as at any time since, when, 2007? Maybe even 2005. 79th over: England 294-2 (Cook 117, Pietersen 24) Cook is far too early on an attempted pull stroke off Sharma, with the ball hitting him on the arm as a result. The next ball is back cut crisply and emphatically for four. Cook has played well today, and looks good for another daddy hundred, but India have fed his strengths with masochistic frequency. He gets a second boundary of the over with an edge wide of the only slip. "Why is there a black and white picture of James Blunt (bottom right) on the OBO blog?" wonders Kevin Jones. 80th over: England 301-2 (Cook 118, Pietersen 30) Pietersen is playing seriously well out there. Sreesanth comes back into the attack and starts with a wide, swinging delivery that Pietersen just dismisses through extra cover for four. Get that filth out of my sight. Brilliant batting, and England lead by 77. "I've been going to the same hairdresser since I was 7," says Natasha Salwan. "Lovely but mad as a box of frogs, she'll continually tell me all about the exploits of her millions of cats and will break off occasionally to show me pictures. But she is the only person who won't charge the earth for trimming waist-length hair, and she does it well, so I keep going back. And hearing about the new adventures of the latest stray." 81st over: England 308-2 (Cook 120, Pietersen 35) India take the second new ball straight away. They will probably have a couple of overs before tea, three if they break into a jog. Two, then. The first ball from Sharma is short, wide and slashed to third man for four by Pietersen. That brings up a rapid fifty partnership from only 60 balls. "I wonder if anyone remembers the barber on the top floor of the Bristol students union building," says Giles Robertson. "Uncle Luigi. Not a word of English, brandished a cut throat razor with alacrity and was seldom seen directing his attention from the snooker on the TV, even whilst attending to a customer. He only charged 3.50, a sort of bargain I suppose..." I wonder if he cut anyone's hair during Alex Higgins' wonderfully deranged break in the 1982 semi-final. I'd like to have seen the results of that. 82nd over: England 319-2 (Cook 129, Pietersen 36) Cook cuts and pulls Sreesanth for a couple of fours, the first mishit a touch and the second spanked right out of the meat. That's the end of another brilliant session for England, who scored 162 runs in 35 overs for the loss of Andrew Strauss and Ian Bell. They are in an incredible position so early in the match, 95 runs ahead and with wickets remaining. Andy Bull will be here for the evening session. Bye. TEA Afternoon everyone, I've had a little spare time on my hands since lunch so I decided that, as England are on the cusp of becoming the world's No1 Test side, it was time to think about who the next generation of players coming in to the team are. So I've put together this photo gallery of the brightest and best talent in the country. I strongly recommend you have a look at it. I think there are a few faces in there who will surprise you.

Haircuts: the riff that keeps on giving. "Ah, the joys of going to the barber shop as a small child in the 70's in Liverpool," sighs Sean Moore. "A dinghy, smoke-filled room, largely populated by slightly grubby, middle-aged men, furtively reading the dubious literature that was on offer. The King Singers or something of that ilk playing on the radio which was permanently tuned to Radio 2 before it became cool, and the indignity of the barber placing a small plank of wood across the arms of the chair before you sat down. Then came the usual discussion about what you wanted doing, and after 10 minutes trying to describe to the octogenerian barber what David Bowie or Marc Bolan's hair looked like, you invariably left the shop with a 'Walker's' toffee in your pocket, and sporting something looking suspiciously like a 'Jimmy Clitheroe' short back and sides, rounded off with a generous dollop of Brylcreem." 83rd over: England 325-2 (Cook 130, Pietersen 40) So England lead by 95 and the new ball is two overs old. Sharma starts the session, and Cook pushes his second ball past point for a single. Pietersen then clatters a four away mid-wicket way. "Oooh," sighs Bumble over the slow-mo replay, "look at his rippling muscles." 84th over: England 330-2 (Cook 134, Pietersen 42) Praveen Kumar will start at the other end. And as Bumble points out, Pietersen is standing so far out of his crease it's almost as though he wants to shake hands with the bowler in his follow-through. There is an awful lot that's admirable about MS Dhoni, but his wicketkeeping isn't high on the list. If he'd only stand up to the stumps, Kumar would be a much more dangerous bowler. Pietersen takes a single, and Cook then steers a four past gully. Kumar doubles over in frustration. He beats Cook with a beautiful delivery next up. There's just no justice for this fellow. 85th over: England 336-2 (Cook 139, Pietersen 43) Four more to end the over, cut down to third man by Cook. He looks untouchable out there. Here's Hoppsy, coming in off his long run with an anger and passion that India would do well to learn from: "Right, Bull, I owe you for that. Mildly embarrassing and entirely justifies my decision to retire from club cricket. It's a bloody grip for a non-turning chinaman, btw, not an off-break, as all great purveyors of spin bowling would be aware. The cymbals catching technique has come as a bit of a shock. I found that an exceptionally hard routine. Fire catches from a bowling machine at 80mph and eventually you catch them; fire then just above a set of stumps halfway down the route and your brain is confused. I dropped about eight in a row and had a tantrum. As for the low catch, I'm quite proud of that especially as I look about 90 years old. BUT WHERE ARE THE BATTING PICTURES? I WAS IN TIP-TOP FORM THAT DAY!" And if you're reading this and wondering what my esteemed colleague is on about, well, you obviously didn't take my advice when I told you to have a look at that gallery of the country's best young talent. 86th over: England 342-2 (Cook 141, Pietersen 47) "So, at the risk of sparking a nostalgia-inducing England middle order collapse, at what score and when does Strauss declare?" Come back tomorrow, William Vincent. Sometime around tea. Because between now and then England are going to bat and bat and bat. Quite right too. Morgan, Bopara and Prior are as aggressive a unit at 5,6,7 as England have had in recent memory. It could be absolute carnage out there tomorrow. 87th over: England 356-2 (Cook 141, Pietersen 61) The groundstaff are back out again, scraping away at the wicket with a spade. The Indians have had the hump about the uneven turf on the bowling crease ever since this innings started. England seemed entirely untroubled by it. Pietersen raises his fifty - off just 53 balls - with a four down to third man. He just leaned over on his bat to play that, as though he was propping himself up on an umbrella to strike a pose underneath a street lamp. He knocks the next for two out to midwicket, and then splatters the ball into boundary boards at long-on with a sweetly struck glance. Ishant puts him back in his box with a vicious bouncer. He repeats the does for the next delivery, and this time rather than sway away Pietersen stands up and wallops it away for four through square leg. "Those photos," says Marie Meyer. "Doesn't David Hopps look like an old Paul Collingwood?" 88th over: England 357-2 (Cook 142, Pietersen 61) It's Sreesanth's turn to be treated to what press box doyen David Green would describe as "a little pongo". Sree gets away with conceding only a single from his six balls. "Do you have any footage of a sign at the ground today reading "Alistair Cook: polish my

balls"? I saw it briefly this morning, but it seems not to be shown any more." Surprising that, Kieran Bowdren. You're not the only man who spotted it, nor to point out that it hasn't been seen since. 89th over: England 358-2 (Cook 143, Pietersen 61) "Not only would the clich of "if this were a boxing match, it would have been stopped" be true by now, but the England team would be arrested for the most brutal mauling witnessed," says Mike McCarthy. "Absolute carnage. Is this even happening anymore? Am I in a particularly insane dream?" Yeah, there's even one chap in my inbox talkinSreesanthg about England batting on till lunch on day four, suggesting that they should be looking for 1,000. And he's an England fan. What has the world come to? I notice India's first innings score was only three more than New South Wales managed in 1926 REFFERAL! Pietersen 62 c Dhoni b Sreesanth India think they have KP here. Umpire Taufel disagrees. Dhoni calls for a review. It's fruitless. Hot-Spot shows nothing, the decision stands and Pietersen plays on. 90th over: England 359-2 (Cook 143, Pietersen 62) Sreesanth is bowling well here. He beats the inside edge of KP's bat and appeals for an LBW. Taufel shakes his head. And he's right - the ball was going over the top. "Please tell Hoppsy, 'Chinaman' is not the preferred nomenclature," says Michael Farrow. "Leftarm unorthodox", please. You'll be lectured about the use of racial epithets by that msmlee guy from the Chinaman: The Legend of Pradeep Mathew review and we don't want that to happen again, do we?" Honestly, as vicious as that msmlee was, I'd back Hoppsy in a straight row between the two of them every time. He's a Yorkie you know, and not easily cowed. 91st over: England 362-2 (Cook 144, Pietersen 63) A wonderful ball form Praveen, beating Pietersen's outside edge. Smyth has slipped his stat hat on again, and discovered that since Graham Gooch became England's batting coach Alistair Cook's average score once he has got past 100 is 209. "Make it a daddy," as Gooch says. He survives an LBW shout here, to a ball that pitched a long way out side leg stump. 92nd over: England 369-2 (Cook 151, Pietersen 63) That's 150 for Alistair Cook, raised with a handsome pull stroke for four. "I rather like the summary of the match at the top of that archive scorecard you linked to," says James Sparling. "'Result: Victoria won by an innings and 656 runs Points: Victoria 1; New South Wales 0'" 93rd over: England 374-2 (Cook 152, Pietersen 63) Ohh, Praveen, you poor sod. He appeals for an LBW here, for a delivery that pitched outside leg and ricocheted away off the pads for four leg byes. "Is some sort of community leader going to condemn the violence that has been shown against a group of Indians in Birmingham today?" asks Ali Kinnaird. WICKET! Pietersen LBW Praveen 63 (England 374-3) Well that's a well-deserved wicket for Praveen, who has laboured on and on and on. Pietersen goes, LBW. He's not happy about it, because he was standing so far out of the crease, but umpire Davis is spot-on. The ball would have gone on to his the wicket. 95th over: England 386-3 (Cook 156, Morgan 8) Eoin Morgan is the new man in then. It was a good ball from Kumar that did for Pietersen, swinging back in to beat the inside edge as KP pushed across the line of the ball to try and turn it to leg. At then other end it's business as usual, as Cook plays a lovely straight drive, and sends the ball back down the ground past Sreesanth for four. "Three wickets in a day," harrumphs John Davies. "It's the new version of another blooming England batting collapse." 96th over: England 386-3 (Cook 160, Morgan 8) Cook cracks a hook away to square leg. "Where do you think Cook ranks on a list of the best-ever England openers?" asks Tom Mitchell. I'd say that by the time he retires there's no doubt he'll be top of the heap, statistically at least. Number alone do not necessarily mean he is the best batsman of the bunch though. Right now you'd put him up above Atherton, but below Gooch. And where does Trescothick fit in? That's only the last two decades of course. Going back through history, I don't suppose anyone will ever displace Hobbs and Hutton from the the opener's slots in England's All Time XI. Especially as they would have to get past Herbert Sutcliffe first.

97th over: England 393-3 (Cook 163, Morgan 8) Phew. "I see the other sites (and Smyth this afternoon) call Praveen Kumar by the second name, but you don't. Has he expressed a preference?" Not that I know of, John Starbuck, no. I just figure that cricket is full of Kumars, but there's only one Praveen. 98th over: England 400-3 (Cook 164, Morgan 13) Strange move this - Dhoni brings Raina into the attack. It almost works when he slides his first ball past Morgan's outside edge, but the ball only runs away for a bye. Cook then sweeps away a single, and Morgan slaps a pull over mid-wicket. That was an extraordinary shot, but Morgan made it look almost routine. By the end of the over, England have reached 400. 99th over: England 400-3 (Cook 164, Morgan 13) A maiden from Praveen. On the subject of great openers, here's William Vincent. "BOYCOTT" he shouts. If only I could render 72-point type on the OBO you'd get the full effect of his email. 100th over: England 405-3 (Cook 165, Morgan 13) Four leg byes off Raina's latest over, and another awful lbw appeal for a delivery that was missing off-stump by a foot. As I anticipated, Hoppsy has seen off the arguments about "chinaman" with all the ease and speed of a man knocking back a coffee in the morning: "I see no issue with the use of the word Chinaman to describe a cricketing term. In fact, shock horror, I don't see much issue with it at all. I don't accept that it has insulting racial connotations for all but a tiny minority. I strongly believe in being PC when it is relevant, and when it can be inflammatory, demeaning or socially damaging not to be, but when a word is used benignly, to try to stifle a living language, however well-meaningly, is to accentuate the problem. Such an imbalanced approach allows the anti-PC brigade to steam in, complain of censorship and political-correctness-gone-mad, peddle-right wing views in return and win majority support, so the censorship becomes entirely counterproductive. If the "chinaman" had a blatantly racist history, I would think differently, but it doesn't. Wikipedia's link about its origins seems accurate enough. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Left-arm_unorthodox_spin If someone else had bowled it, it could easily have been called a Frenchman or a Scotsman. I don't see the problem." 101st over: England 406-3 (Cook 166, Morgan 13) The lead is now 181, and Ishant Sharma is back into the attack. There are shouts of excitement as Cook pats a catch out towards mid-wicket, where Sachin Tendulkar totally fails to pick up the ball, and stands almost stock still as it plops to turf a yard or so in front of him. He smiles sheepishly, then shrugs at the bowler. 102nd over: England 410-3 (Cook 169, Morgan 14) As if Boycott wasn't a bad enough suggestion to open for the All Time XI, Ben Powell is now nominating Tavare. He has also done it in 72-point block caps, and in red ink for good measure. Tavare and Boycott? I guess we're talking about a team for a timeless Test rather than a Twenty20 then? Cook contemplates playing a reverse sweep, then thinks better of it. "Bit unfair on Beefy for him to be in that rogue's gallery at the top," says Andy Plowright. "At least his haircut was fashionable at some time in history. Whereas messrs Sidebottom, Pietersen and Blunt would have looked like choppers no matter what era you transported them to." I think that's a little unfair on Blunt, as it happens. 103rd over: England 410-3 (Cook 169, Morgan 14) A maiden from Sharma, with Morgan leaving or blocking the bowling as he sees fit. 104th over: England 412-3 (Cook 170, Morgan 15) Cook cuts a single out to deep point. He's been at the crease for 7 hours and 26 minutes, says Mikey Holding. "They must be getting tired of looking at him by now." 105th over: England 416-3 (Cook 171, Morgan 18) "Catch it" is the cry. And so he should have done. But he doesn't. Sreesanth has just spilled the simplest of chances at backward point. It was a real lollypop catch off Morgan's bat, but he didn't even get his hands on it. It bounced off his forearm. By the way, some of you seem to genuinely have the impression that the man in the bottom right is James Blunt. It's not, of course. It's a youthful snap of someone far closer to the Guardian than that.

106th over: England 421-3 (Cook 172, Morgan 22) Mishra bungs a filthy delivery flighted down the leg side, and Morgan makes a mess of sweeping it but still squeezes the ball past Dhoni for four. "Some of the cricket by India has been, well, let's be polite, embarrassing," says Botham. And I have to say I agree with him, which is, I think, a first. 107th over: England 427-3 (Cook 177, Morgan 22) Four more for Cook, clipped off the pads, just like so many others. "As we're at Edgbaston," says Paul La Planche. "I offer Dennis Leslie Amiss. Two double centuries against those West Indians? I rest my case." 108th over: England 428-3 (Cook 178, Morgan 23) The lead is now 204. And growing all the time. Morgan survives another optimistic lbw shout and then flicks a single away square. 109th over: England 432-3 (Cook 178, Morgan 25) Finally, India try something different. Sachin Tendulkar is going to have a bowl. He takes the tape off his finger, then hands his sun hat to the umpire. Will be bowling his medium-pace or his leg-breaks I wonder? All sorts, is the answer, from around the wicket. I knew I shouldn't have got into this chinaman thing. Here's Norman Cho: "Speaking as a *Chinaman* I suspect that more than a tiny minority would regard it as racist and insulting. The logic of a white guy telling the Chinese what is an insulting term or not escapes me. It would be like a white guy telling a black guy not to take offence at the *N* word. On the other hand, I would agree that it comes across more as mildly patronising than outright offensive and certainly ranks much lower than either the *P* word or the *N* word. Most of my friends are white and I can't be bothered to ask them to stop simply because I realise that no actual offence was intended. But I do find it patronising and condescending and it comes across to me as a Chinese in the same way that white people used to call black men 'boy' regardless of age. Anyway, I prefer to let the racial faux pas of my friends, white or otherwise, slide as life's just too short. If the ill intent's not there, as far as I'm concerned no offence is committed. As someone who's said a dumb thing or two in the past, I find it impossible to work up any real outrage." 110th over: England 438-3 (Cook 178, Morgan 32) "It's all too modern," says Nick Ladner of the suggestions for the All Time XI."I want Harold Gimblett!" Well, much as I admire your Somerset bias, he did only play three Tests for England. Which was a terrible injustice, as it happens. He's the first name in my Somerset XI, but that's a different question - one which I lull myself to sleep with on restless nights opening with Trescothick, relegating Lionel Palairet down to No3. India, by the way, continue to look abject. Mishra dishes up a disgusting full toss that Morgan thrashes through long-on for four. Then, moments later, Ishant buzzes two overthrows over Dhoni's head. "That's awful," says Bumble. "India have looked like a county attack," chips in Nasser. It'd be fair to say that India have embarrassed themselves at Edgbaston in the last two days. 111th over: England 447-3 (Cook 180, Morgan 37) Four more for Morgan, picked off through midwicket. "A confession," from Marie Meyer. "I've been following the match on a dodgy internet feed provided by a couple of Hindi-speaking programmers. It has just gone off air. I suppose it is possible that the authorities winkled them out and shut them down. But as one of them goes by the name "BleedsIndiaBlue", I suspect that in fact they've simply lost the will to live. Or decided that not showing the rest of the match is in the public interest." 112th over: England 447-3 (Cook 180, Morgan 37) "If only India fielded with the same tenacity as Norman Cho when he's letting something slide..." sighs Mike Hallet.Indeed. Speaking of Mr Cho, here he is again: "One further point. Frenchman and Scotchman do not carry the same patronising overtones as Chinaman does. But, you know what? The average *Chinaman* really doesn't give a ****." 113th over: England 453-3 (Cook 181, Morgan 42) For the record, I think this Chinaman debate really is quite fascinating, not least because of my own ignorance about the fact that it was such a contentious issue. I suspect a lot cricket fans will be similarly taken aback to discover than such a commonplace part of their language carries such upsetting connotations. "Hi Andy," says David Horn. "I have been in a coma since Alan Igglesden's last Test in Georgetown, '94. Things appear to have changed ... what have I missed?"

114th over: England 455-3 (Cook 182, Morgan 42) This is the penultimate over. Though India appeared to stop playing an hour or so ago. Viru Sehwag has decided to wonder off the field and have a sit down, and a sub is on for the last five minutes. Nasser gives him an absolute lashing for having such a slack attitude. 115th over: England 456-3 (Cook 182, Morgan 44) What a way to end the day! Morgan edges the easiest of catches straight to Rahul Dravid at slip. And he drops it. Dravid is furious with himself, and tears his cap off his head and throws it to the floor. No one is going to accuse him of not caring. But that's the second chance he has shelled today. And that, ladies and gents ends an extraordinary day of cricket. England have never been so dominant. The world's No1 team are being steamrollered into submission, one run at a time. They trail by 232 runs. England will bat on and on and on right through tomorrow if they can, and the way Cook is going, who would bet against it? For India, tonight's team meeting is a final chance to try and summon up a little pride and start playing like they want to win. We'll be back here tomorrow. Thanks for the company, and all your emails, see you then.

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Third Test, day three, Edgbaston

England v India - day three as it happened

Alastair Cook finished with 294, the highest Test score by an English player in 21 years, as England dominated at Edgbaston o o o

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Guardian report Observer report Over-by-over Scoreboard Andy Bull (morning and evening session) and Rob Smyth (afternoon) guardian.co.uk, Friday 12 August 2011 05.29 EDT Article history

"It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever." Photograph: Andrew Boyers/Action Images
Morning everyone, and welcome to our coverage the third day of this increasingly surreal match. England's lead is 232, they have seven wickets in hand, and there are still three days to play. Oddly enough, this is going to the be the last day of this series that I get to cover. As of next week I'm being diverted on athletics detail for the World Championships (speaking of which, umm, anyone got any tips on where I can watch the cricket in downtown Daegu? In fact, has anyone out there even ever been to Daegu?), so I'm in a reflective mood. Things may change in the eight days left still to play. And before we get too scornful it is worth pointing out - as Mike Selvey did in his match report from yesterday's play - that India are, in theory, more than capable of saving this match by batting out the draw. But this game at Edgbaston feels like a real tipping point. It has been a ruthless a performance as I have ever seen from England. But will we look back and see it as marking the ascent of a very good English team above a mediocre field of challengers? Or the final decline of one of the greatest collections of individual talents ever assembled on a cricket pitch at the hands of an England team who could go on to dominate Test cricket for years to come? "I would have been embarrassed to be in that Indian dressing room last night", says Atherton. "Poor backing up, appalling throwing, dropped catches, players wondering around with their hands in their pockets. Their bowling may just be limited, but their fielding was just atrocious." You can only wonder what India's team meeting was like last night. Is there any way back for them now? As for England, what lies ahead for them? Their performances since the start of the Ashes have been more than worthy of the world's No1 ranking. Other challenges lie ahead: Sri Lanka at home, South Africa at home and away, and, ultimately, the hardest series of all, India at home. If I'm getting ahead of myself it's only because I'm relishing the thought of the contests to come. A telling stat or two about India's bowling attack. This one comes from Sky's @Benedict_B: Amit Mishra has bowled 69 no balls in 12 Tests (70, if you include the one that did for Andy Strauss yesterday). England have bowled 39 between them in their last 12 games. And these two come from Cricinfo's

excellent S Rajesh: in this innings Sreesanth versus the left-handers has given up 89 runs off 108 balls (econ: 4.94) against left-handers, and only 10 off 28 against (2.14) against right-handers. Ishant on the other hand has given up 63 off 114 (econ 3.31) versus the left-handers and 48 off 36 (8.00) v right-handers. What this all adds up to tell you is that India's bowling attack suffers from an inability to perform the most basic skills. 116th over: England 461-3 (Cook 186, Morgan 45) Morgan pushes a single away to the off-side, and the Cook leans forward slightly stiffly and pokes the ball away for four to third man. Ishant rolls his eyes theatrically as he watches the ball whizz away. "It looks like India are just getting ready for batting," says Nasser. If he's right this could be a very long day indeed, because England are going to bat on and on and on. "Having attended yesterday I am now a quivering mess at my 'workstation'," says Geoffrey Fletcher. "A fry up and two curries in the day all washed down with copious amounts of big boys pop I was woken at 5am by crying child the only human beings that can feel worse than me are the 11 about to take the field." There is one man feeling worse than you, this morning, Geoffrey, as we'll see in the next over... 117th over: England 467-3 (Cook 187, Morgan 50) It begins. Again. Morgan carves a square drive away to cover, where the fielder flaps at it rather despairingly. Four more then, one delivery into the day Praveen has already got a cob on. Morgan threads a single away square and that is his fifty. He waves his bat towards the crowd, and then settles down to his business, scurrying a single for Cook. "Over the last 36 hours, I have learned a profound life lesson," says Rob Thorpe. "Never, EVER buy discounted sushi from the petrol station, just because it's cheap and 'convenient'. I currently feel like Mr Creosote, made significantly worse by the fact that I'm a complete emetophobe, and a wuss to go with it. I should have known really, I've seen the Simpsons episode where Homer eats tinned plankton many times." 118th over: England 468-3 (Cook 188, Morgan 50) What's worse about all this for India is that there are plenty of signs that the pitch is breaking up - the odd bit of inconsistent bounce, the occasional delivery that rips off the seam and, most importantly, lots of spin. It has been a while since Graeme Swann turned in a match-winning performance - his last five wicket haul was in the second Ashes Test at Adelaide - but he could come into his own in the second innings here. I love this email from Jamie Kirkaldy: "I think this England side could become a very dominant force over the next few years, simply because their success is based as much on mindset as it is on talent." [Hear hear, Jamie.] "This is unquestionably the most ruthless England side I have ever seen and I think a lot of credit for that must go to the leadership. In fact, yesterday's declaration of man-love for Andrew Strauss prompts me to tell my own story: at a friend's wedding in the immediate aftermath of the victory down under, I discovered that the groom's brother was a good friend of the England skipper. Late in the (very drunken) evening, I commandeered said friend's phone to send Mr Strauss a text message. I can't remember the exact wording of what I wrote but I recall that there was a level of sycophancy that a 14 year old girl texting The Wanted would have struggled to match and that I specifically commended him on his 'steel'. I am yet to decide whether this marks the proudest or most shameful episode of my entire life." It has started raining, lightly, and the umpires have ordered the players off the field. The Indian team is delighted. It looks like a passing shower. And the rain doesn't seem too heavy either. Honk. So, there's a complicating factor to the equation. England have to contend with the rain as well as the game. I think Chris Langmead speaks for a lot of us when he says: "This series has been a real tipping point for me. As someone whose formative cricket education was basically watching England lurch from crisis to shambles and back to crisis through the 1990s, there is always an ingrained fear of getting spanked around the park or the collapse from 200/2 to 234 all out. Even as recently as the start of the recent Ashes tour I would wake with trepidation before checking the score (to see that on day one Peter Siddle (most Aussie of Aussies) had taken a bloody hat-trick). But now, no more. I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to feel, but I now know that England are a match for anyone in the world. It's rather unsettling..."

There is cricket elsewhere in the country: have a look at our County Cricket - Live! blog to see what's happening around the grounds Discount sushi from the garage? "Sheesh, Rob Thorpe," sighs Richard Marsden. "Not exactly rocket science, that one. Here are a few more tips to help you get through a bit more time on this earth unscathed: 1. Don't stick your fingers in electrical sockets. 2. Don't cross the road with your eyes closed. 3. When your face turns blue it's time to breathe in again." Play will start at 11.40am, which begs the question, if the rain has stopped, why do we have to wait 13 minutes for the resumption? Either I'm turning into a curmudgeon or this is one thing cricket really needs to fix. And I know which one I think is true. Talking of things that the authorities need to fix, here is Mike Jakeman: "Your comment on the challenges to come has turned my attention towards the 2012 schedule. It looks a farce. Tests against Pakistan, Sri Lanka and the West Indies, some random ODIs against the Aussies, only 3 Tests against South Africa (presumably because of those Australia ODIs), followed by a World T20 (again?), before a properly, decent length series away in India. Is playing Test series against 5 other nations in one year a record? It shows total disregard for the rhythm of a Test series, the opportunities for the players to figure out ways to beat each other over a long summer and the chance for some proper rivalries to develop. Not to mention the fact that most of these series will be conducted without sufficient warm up games to allow players to adapt to conditions. Very depressing, and predictably badly managed." Amen to that. Here come the players. There is a little more rain forecast this evening. 119th over: England 470-3 (Cook 190, Morgan 50) Kumar stands at the end of his mark, hands on hips, then runs in. Cook pats the ball to mid-off. "If they bat all day today, I think there's a chance that England could get 1,000," says Warne. "I'vve not seen or heard it mentioned, but England's future greatest run scorer, Alastair Cook, can, in this innings, move past some stellar names on the list of England's all time greatest run scorers. Cook currently stands on 5728 (up to and including 188*) runs from 71 matches. Yesterday saw him sneak past Michael Vaughan (5719 runs in 82 matches). If he reaches 225 he'll go past Nasser Hussain, 268 will take him past Denis Compton and 286 will see him past the man he effectively replaced in the England team, Marcus Trescothick. Apart from current players, his next targets will be Graham Thorpe, Ken Barrington and Len Hutton, who will likely be surpassed in less than 2 years." 120th over: England 471-3 (Cook 190, Morgan 51) Morgan knocks a single out to the leg side. "Richard Marsden's suggestions seem like more of Nelson Algren's unwritten laws as used in my copy this morning," points out Lord Selvey. Speaking of Lord S... "Did I miss the bit in yesterday's OBO where you revealed the identity of the chap who was a spit of that Blunt chap with a mullet," asks Martin Leaver. "Who is it? Put me out of my misery please." 121st over: England 471-3 (Cook 190, Morgan 51) I love how unhurried England are. Both batsmen are happy to leave the good balls alone, and let the wide balls fly by. They've all the time in the world to win this game, and are not going to give India a sniff by doing anything so rash as playing a bad shot. This over, for instance, was a maiden. Here's a something to chew on, from Chris Goater: "If there is a reason for England's new ascendency, it is surely to do with greater understanding and nurturing of talent, rather than the sudden emergence of an exceptional group of cricketers. There were plenty of talented guys around in the 90s but they were squandered through inconsistent selection and poor coaching. How might the likes of Hick, Ramprakash or Chris Lewis have fared under today's regime? I think a comparison between Chris Lewis and Stuart Broad is an excellent case in point. Both players have high fast/medium bowling actions and flourishing offside bat strokes. Take a look at Lewis' test record, and and how similar Broad's was after the same number of matches: LEWIS: P.32 Runs: 1105 @ 23.02, Wickets: 93 @ 37.52 100s: 1, 5W: 3 BROAD: P32 Runs: 1096 @ 29.10, Wickets: 97 @ 34.30 100s: 1, 5W: 3 The difference now is that England have persisted with Broad, and honed him so that his bowling in

particular is becoming ever more effective." Well, yes, I wrote something very similar in The Spin this week. But it is worth pointing out that Broad has never given himself sunstroke by shaving his head at the start of a tour. Nor has he been imprisoned for trying smuggle 140,000 worth of liquid cocaine into the country by hiding it in tins of fruit juice. So the comparison isn't entirely fair. 122nd over: England 472-3 (Cook 191, Morgan 51) Cook cuts a single down to third man. It's another quiet over. "Since this seems to be the morning for blindingly obvious advice (Rob Thorpe, Richard Marsden etc)," says Peter Hanes. "Couldn't you keep up with the cricket in Daegu by, um, reading the OBO? Or is it not the same somehow?" Ahahahahahahahahaha. Good one, Pete. 123rd over: England 473-3 (Cook 192, Morgan 51) Kumar is bowling a lot of away-swingers to the lefthanders, starting the ball from outside leg stump and moving it across towards the slips. Cook knocks a single past point, and Morgan blocks the few he faces. "I'm idly wondering here why cricketers, near alone among team sportsmen, can't face a bit of rain," says Tom Chivers. "My own theory that they're watersoluble has been dismissed. Girlfriend suggests that the white outfits go transparent when wet, leaving 13 naked-looking men on the field. I think she'd be okay if they all looked like Chris Tremlett, but starkers Bresnan might be too much." 124th over: England 476-3 (Cook 194, Morgan 52) I wonder if Ravi Bopara is ever going to get a bat? Cook and Morgan have just brought up their hundred partnership, a stand they celebrate with a manly handshake. Athers approves. "Sir Geoffrey on TMS has just said that Morgan 'plays spinners for breakfast'," says John Leavey. "What the eff does that mean?" 125th over: England 478-3 (Cook 195, Morgan 53) Cook is closing in on his 200. "This could be the sixth 200 by an England player in the last 15 months," says Rob Smyth from across the desk. "Before that they managed six in 20 years." Run-by-run, England inch onwards. "Your two options about the rain delay aren't mutually exclusive," says John Davies. "The authorities definitely need to fix it and have needed to fix it for the last thirty years at least. But that doesn't mean you aren't turning into your Dad, or aren't already a mite curmudgeonly. Cursmidgeon, maybe?" 126th over: England 481-3 (Cook 197, Morgan 54) Sreesanth is on now, bowling over the wicket to Morgan. He makes the ball swing, swing straight on to the face of the bat. Morgan whips a run away square, and Dhoni then pulls out second slip. India then appeal for a catch down the leg side against Cook the temerity of it! - and umpire Taufel shakes his head. "How do you think Ravi is feeling right now?" asks Jon McCauley-Oliver. "Excited and bullish at the prospect of getting stuck into a beleaguered attack, or anxious that, in any scorecard of this nature, there is always some poor sap who fails and it could just be him." I think he's got nothing to gain. He could score a century here and no one would give him all that much credit for it. But watching the ball swing here I do wonder if this could be the type of pitch where the new men in find batting much harder going than those who have come before them. 127th over: England 482-3 (Cook 198, Morgan 55) "Re: Smyth's double centurion stat," writes my colleague Rob Bagchi, "is there any length he won't go to to shoehorn Bob Key into the OBO?" Another single for Cook, and he's now just two runs away. 128th over: England 486-3 (Cook 200, Morgan 55) More swing for Sreesanth, and he beats Cook's bat with a delivery that comes back to hit him in front of leg stump. It's not a bad appeal at all, but the fielders hardly join in with him, and Taufel, for the umpteenth time, shakes his head. Two balls later, Cook raises that 200. And, truthfully, he hardly stops to celebrate. In fact he treats it rather like he's raised a fifty. He hugs Morgan, waves his bat at the crowd, and then takes his guard. 129th over: England 490-3 (Cook 203, Morgan 56) "Looking out over Clent the big black clouds are closing in on Edgbaston," warns Paul Kavanagh. "Could be an early lunch." I hope so. I'm famished. Kumar's line drifts over towards leg-stump, and, you'll never guess, Cook knocks two runs away square.

130th over: England 495-3 (Cook 203, Morgan 61) That's the first four since the rain break from Morgan, a whippy on-drive that shoots past the fielder and leaves a cry of "catch it" hanging embarrassingly in the air as it clatters into the hoarding. "Has the 'last man' section of the desktop scoreboard been raised before?" Yes, Tom Levesley, it has. Around 2,037 times this summer. But for some reason NOBODY EVER SEEMS TO DO ANYTHING TO FIX IT DESPITE OUR CONSTANT COMPLAINTS, just like the knackered auto-refresh function. "In my day this meant last man out, not last one in - it gave me palpitations in the last test every time I checked the score." Quite. 131st over: England 495-3 (Cook 204, Morgan 62) Suresh Raina is coming on now. What depressing words those must be for the Indian fans to read. Morgan and Cook each cut singles away square. "On TMS Vaughan has just mentioned how The Lord Selvey was golfing this morning along with him, Ashley Giles and the Silver Fox, Mark Nicholas," says Jim Carpenter. "Imagine getting stuck behind that lot and having to ask them to get a hurry on." 132nd over: England 502-3 (Cook 205, Morgan 66) And there's the 500. This is monstrous. And on they go. Morgan taps a single down to cover. Out of interest, are there any Indian fans reading this who would like to contribute a little something for the OBO at this point? There has been a curious lack of Indian input in the last couple of days. 133rd over: England 502-3 (Cook 205, Morgan 66) Six more balls, two more runs, and still no emails from India. 14th over: England 503-3 (Cook 206, Morgan 66) It's starting to drizzle again. Looks like Paul Kavanagh was right. The players are going off and the covers are coming on. And, just like that, the rain has stopped again, so there may yet be a little more play before lunch. "I can tell you that Beefy played in a pair of bright red shorts and got savaged by midges for his pains," says Lord Selvey. "And I partnered DL Amiss in foursomes, one of my all time favourite cricketers, who was wearing my England cap when he scored his double hundred at the Oval because he had buggered up his own. And what a sweat-stained mess mine still looks. We played pretty well though." "Further to John Davies' suggestion that you may be turning into your Dad," David Lombard has a foolproof test to check: "Have you recently put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with? According to Peter Kaye the day you do this is the day you turn into your Dad." Well. I did ask: "I am very much from India, and I did mail yesterday, you filtered it; as I complained about Rob's extensive discussion abour barbars and what not, while we wantedd to follow the game of cricket!!" Umm. Thanks for that contribution, Prakalpa. Here's another good 'un from Suresh Nagadarsan: I have little of value to contribute, but I figure there is a good chance of being published since Indians aren't mailing you. For the record, I do not even like Cricket that much. Currently fixing my fantasy team for the Premier League starting tomorrow. Although it would be fun if something interesting happens, like Dhoni and Raina bowling from both ends or so. Or possibly Sreesanth dancing." The rain has returned, and lunch has been taken. This is a bit more like it: I'm so uninterested in thye current match," says Keshav Bapat, "that we have started contemplating on how Indian Test XI would look in 2016: Gambhir*, Rahane, Pujara, Rohit Sharma, BadriNath, Kohli, Saha, Ashwin, Praveen, Varun Aaron, Ishant Sharma." And one more before I go, from Vikram Singh: "Here's an email from across the world. Quite glad to see this lot being stuffed the way they are. They're undoubtedly talented, but there is an air of privilege and arrogance (derived from their demi-god treatment at home, and the BCCI's financial clout) about them that I for one find quite intolerable. Unfit, under-prepared and seriously lacking the bottle it takes to be called the best in the world. They've had this coming."

And that's lunch. Rob Smyth will be here shortly to take you through the afternoon session. Send your emails to him now please, on rob.smyth@guardian.co.uk. LUNCH Once upon a time, there was a hero. While everyone else floundered on a dicey pitch, failing to reach 50, the hero carried his bat for 110 no out. The hero's name was Robert Key. "Was Vikram Singh's email before lunch about the Indian cricket team or the England football team?" says Richard Hatton. "Minus the BCCI line I couldn't quite tell." The bit about 'best in the world' should have given it away. Some lunchtime reading Emma John's piece on the ICC Test Championship mace: "gloriously bonkers, a surreal reminder of just how trivial a concept sport is". 134th over: England 504-3 (Cook 207, Morgan 66) Sreesanth finishes the over that he started before the rain. The lights are on, and the ever attacking Shane Warne is suggesting that England should get a 400-run lead as soon as possible and then declare. That sounds about right. As nice as it would be for England to get 700 for the first time since 1938, it's far more important to get the game won. "With all the (premature?) trumphalism about winning this match, the series and becoming best in the world, is everyone forgetting that there is also a series in India this winter, like the second leg of a cup tie?" says James Carmichael. "It will be interesting to see who comes out on top when both teams have had home advantage." I don't know if they're forgetting it, or if it's just not happening. England go to India the winter after next. But they do play Sri Lanka and Pakistan on the subcontinent, where they can hopefully do what the 2005-06 side couldn't. England aren't No1 yet, anyway. With an iffy forecast for the next couple of days, it's not beyond the realms that India could bat 120 overs to save the match, like they did at Trent Bridge in 2002, and then win at The Oval. A 4-0 England win is still the likeliest outcome, of course, but at the moment England are No3 in the Test Championship. I hope to god we don't ruin such a potentially wonderful achievement with miserable triumphalism. This is cricket, not football. 135th over: England 505-3 (Cook 208, Morgan 66) Raina is bowling his off spin, which is pretty much a sign that India have thrown it in. Morgan could savage him here, but for now he plays respectfully and there's just one from the over. "I realise I'm risking a severe gunning-down here, but I don't get the Bob Key thing," says Paul Billington. "Sure he gives hope for the less ahem athletic amongst us, but on seeing his big red mug furious with something approaching incandescent irritation in a T20 dugout this year just somehow made me furious also. Maybe its just because of the face looking like that of a large baby and my therapist isn't quite earning his dollar at the moment." That's okay, we are all entitled to our opinYOUAREADEADMANIWILLHUNTYOUDOWNLIKEKEYSERSOZEHIMSELFion. 136th over: England 507-3 (Cook 209, Morgan 67) No sign of the any humpty yet, with England pottering along in singles. We're still not at the halfway point of the match, so it's a fair enough approach. "Haven't pestered you on these for a while but thought wld seeing as it's raining if you can face chucking up, just to let people know we're still around!" says fame's Sam Collins. "Our latest Chucks episode has Sehwag fielding impersonations, awful Brummie accents and Mike Atherton getting spammed." 137th over: England 512-3 (Cook 210, Morgan 71) Morgan steers Raina for the first two of the session. Five from the over, and at the moment it's extremely low-key stuff. "I'm sitting in Bangalore, following the match on the first day of a four-day long weekend that now looks like being a very depressing four-day long weekend," says Sudhir Boury. "Having said that we'll most likely be put out of our misery sometime tomorrow. What's left of Indian fans are not mailing in because we're in shock. It's like being in a Christopher Nolan movie where time has suddenly 'flipped' the ranking list upside down and India are playing the way they would if they were at the bottom of the world rankings. Newton's Law does state that what goes up must come down.. It's just happened a lot sooner that one would have liked." Even if India do lose the No1 ranking here, they could easily regain it over the next 6-12 months. As good as England are,

it's far too early to say that they will have a long period at the top like the 1980s West Indies and Steve Waugh's Australia. (Mark Taylor's Australia were not No1 as much as you might think, mainly because they struggled badly on the subcontinent.) 138th over: England 518-3 (Cook 210, Morgan 77) Morgan gets the first boundary of the session with a thrilling extra-cover drive off Sreesanth. Then he is beaten by a nice awayswinger. "Balls," chirps Andy Smith. "I've been watching England be dreadful with occasional peaks of good since the early 1980s. I'm calling for miserable triumphalism and I'm calling for it now. I've printed my T-shirt with Strauss's smiling face and a big thumbs up, I've booked my day off work for the inevitable Trafalgar Square parade and.. no hold on, you could be right. Sehwag, Dravid & Sachin can't fail as badly again.. To be fair, I'd be as happy with another eight days of torrential rain as I would declaring now and bowling them out by the end of today. It is coming though. Isn't it?" Yeah, it is, and it's just very... nice. What's interesting is not just that England haven't been No1 since 1980, but that they haven't been close to being No1 for ages either. Even in 2004-05, when they were second, they were miles behind Australia. 139th over: England 523-3 (Cook 211, Morgan 77) A poor delivery from Raina hits Cook on the pad and scuttles away for four leg byes. "In school, a sports master and English teacher asked one of his brighter pupils to spell 'bowling'," begins Will Davies. "Back came the answer : 'B-o-e-l-i-n'. 'That,' said he, 'is the worst spell of bowling I've ever seen'." 140th over: England 526-3 (Cook 213, Morgan 78) Cook pushes Sreesanth for a single, and England's lead clicks up to 300. It shouldn't really be this easy, but England have life this easy for themselves by pummelling India in the first two Tests. We should surely focus on that just as much as India's admittedly considerable failings. "I'm not really sure why everyone is wittering on about declarations and the like," says Phil Jeffrey. "As you say we are only halfway through the match, the weather forecast on the BBC doesn't show up any rain for the next two days and even if we bat all day India have not exactly shown themselves in the form to bat for two whole days just to draw the game. In conclusion, we should bat until we get 1000 and/or Cook beats Lara's record. I'm fully aware that Cook has probably fallen on his stumps while I was writing this." 141st over: England 531-3 (Cook 217, Morgan 79) I don't really know what to say. England are stockpiling ones and twos like it's the middle overs of a one-day innings. Five from Raina's over. 142nd over: England 532-3 (Cook 218, Morgan 79) Morgan is beaten by a fine delivery from Sreesanth that hits his back leg and drops this far short of Dhoni, diving to his left. I thought he had edged it at first, hence the description of how close it was to Dhoni, but Hotspot showed it missed the bat and hit his leg. "Having recently worked in India (I am now back in the UK), I noticed the celebrity status accorded to these players who flit all over the country on engagements," says Ashok Ranchhod. "There is little emphasis on discipline and fitness and the IPL is the be all and end all. As the economy grows people make easy money and this in turn makes celebrities lazy. A great pity to see such talent being wasted. Congratulations to the English team for producing such good cricket." It's all true, but this has been the case for years, and India were deservedly No1 in the world. India's preparation was poor and some of their players have reacted dismally to even the merest hardship, but England have broken them. It's natural and correct to question why this is so easy for England, but we are losing sight of what's really important. Nobody else has given India anything like this kind of pasting. Nobody else has slaughtered Australia in Australia like England did. Nobody else is skittling teams in double figures every fourth or fifth Test. I know this is extremely uncomfortable, and I know it hurts to acknowledge it, and deep down I don't really believe it myself, but England are a bloody good cricket side. Not truly great, not even better than the 2005 side in my humble one, but still a bloody good cricket side. Swing a boot onto the desk and enjoy them, because the experience of 2005 tells us that it could end at any minute. 143rd over: England 533-3 (Cook 219, Morgan 79) One from Raina's over. England are in no hurry; they lead by 309.

144th over: England 537-3 (Cook 220, Morgan 79) Amit Mishra replaces Sreesanth. Morgan gives him the charge and is a bit fortunate that the ball deflects to safety off the pad; otherwise he would have been stumped by miles. Then he is almost bowled round his legs when he misses a sweep, although it wouldn't have mattered because stop me if you think you've heard this one before it was a no ball from Mishra. Speaking of heroes," says Tom Buckley, "have a look at this." That's the best thing I've ever seen on the internet. In fact it's so good that it's almost a justification for not putting the internet back in its box. 145th over: England 539-3 (Cook 221, Morgan 80) I wonder what England's approach is. Maybe they will just play normally until drinks and then open their shoulders. Apart from a couple of charges from Morgan they have dealt in cold accumulation since lunch. Two singles from Raina's over. "Last night, I played my first cricket match in 14 years," wheezes Guy Hornsby. "It was a T20 game (calm down, it was post-work and all we could fit in, I'd have had five days given the choice) between my company's two offices in London and Woking. I was the only player not in whites, but made up for it by proudly wearing my OBO commemorative T-shirt. My batting was 'rusty', with me gaining an 8-ball 1, having assumed I could carve everything for six over cow corner, and actually getting bowled trying to sweep a slower-slow ball, which hit the stumps second bounce. The shame. Still, the bowling was much better, and my love for playing is rekindled as it was as a teenager, when I wanted to be Ian Botham (the latter years). And my right arm is still connected this moring, which is a bonus." 146th over: England 543-3 (Cook 223, Morgan 81) Morgan misses a reverse sweep at Mishra, which brings a pretty big LBW appeal. He was miles outside the line. Morgan has clearly decided to go after Mishra, whereas he has played the part-timer Raina carefully thus far. "I know this thread was from the previous session but even so .... One way to tell you're turning into your Dad is when someone revives/samples a track you rather liked the first time round and you discover you prefer the original," says John Starbuck. "It happens sooner than you think." I'm still reeling from the discovery that The Smiths copied Hippychick by Soho. 147th over: England 546-3 (Cook 225, Morgan 82) Raina is bowling pretty well, although Shane Warne thinks he could drop his pace a touch. He also skids a quicker one from Cook, who works a couple more singles. "I know what you mean about 'enjoy it while it lasts', because deep down we all know it can't and it won't," says Robin Hazlehurst. "That certainty comes not from any rational reason, but because of the scars. And really deep down, and being English, we're ok, I'm probably secretly looking forward to the return to mediocrity so we can all wallow in nostalgia. This series will be so much more enjoyable when seen as that long-ago peak, that brief moment of glory, from the perspective of lame averageness." 148th over: England 548-3 (Cook 226, Morgan 83) This wil be a long afternoon session, with tea at 4.10pm and the close of play scheduled for 6.38pm, although it can go on until 7.08pm if the over rate is slow. Cook survives an LBW shout from Mishra; he was outside the line, and the ball was spinning past leg stump. That aside, he was plumb. 149th over: England 553-3 (Cook 228, Morgan 86) This is now England's sixth-highest score for the loss of only three wickets. That's not so much as a statgasm as a stattingle, I suppose, but it's still fairly interesting. Possibly. Morgan drives Raina through the covers for a couple. He is within xx runs of the easiest Test century he will ever make. "Turning into your dad?" says Peter Hamer. "Easy one that as it happened to me.. actually looking forward to Gardener's Question Time and whistling the theme tune to Desert Island Discs." 150th over: England 556-3 (Cook 229, Morgan 88) We've still had just one boundary since lunch, which is an apt reflection of a forgettable period of play. England's run rate in this session isn't too bad, just above three an over, but they have stockpiled rather than smashed their runs. "Given the OBO essentially grew to its current heights from a base of (lonely) England fans lamenting, consoling and self loathing together, does it have a future?" chirps Elliot Carr-Barnsley. "Or will it follow the rise and fall of the side? Now we have nothing to talk about. It'll become exactly the same as if we had to go outside and interact with the world and (whisper it) people. No-one wants that. I like these grand, halcyon, verdant days, but its not the same and it will tear us apart in the end." On Second Thoughts: Happiness.

151st over: England 558-3 (Cook 230, Morgan 89) Raina beats Morgan for pace, a smart piece of bowling. It's not quite enough for the old if-he-could-bat-he'd-be-an-allrounder line, but this is a decent spell. "If Cook bats this entire innings and we wrap up the victory without having to bat again he'll have been on the pitch for the entire match - that can't have happened too many times before can it?" says James Longhurst. Indeed. Nazar Mohammad was the first. Boycott has done it as well, but I can't imagine it has happened more than maybe 15 times. 152nd over: England 563-3 (Cook 233, Morgan 89) Cook whips Mishra for two past mid on. He is about to pass his Test-best score, the 235 he made at Brisbane last winter. The crowd are so bored that they are singing the theme from Only Fools & Horses. "Easiest century?" sniffs Andy Bradshaw. "Except for having two of the easiest catches dropped in the history of all cricket, including office & back garden." That's one of the reasons it was so easy: he was given three innings. BAD LIGHT STOPS PLAY This is all very odd. There is a powercut at Edgbaston, which means the artificial lights can't be used, and with the natural light diminishing MS Dhoni decides to bring on a quick bowler, Ishant Sharma. As a result the umpires, deeming the light dangerous, immediately take the players off. The only danger to the batsmen is boredom. In the past the umpires would have offered it to the batsmen but that doesn't happen anymore. It's cynical from Dhoni, I suppose, but more than anything it's an example of cricket's occasional capacity to dispense with common sense in the comedy style. The light isn't even particularly bad. It's certainly not Barbados 1990, or wherever it was that Ned Larkins was bowled in the gloaming, or Karachi 2000. The England balcony look pretty bewildered. Andy Flower is shaking his head. The umpires are now being booed, which is a little miserable. It's not really their fault. They took a reading earlier in the match and the rules say they have to stick to that. I think. Bull here. I've thrust Smyth out of his seat because I'm so furious about this shambolic stoppage. This is one of the most idotic and ill-thought out pieces of umpiring we've seen on a cricket field since the 2007 World Cup final. Disgusting. Smyth here. Bull is in a rare old mood about this. He's just landed a decisive haymaker on one of the security staff, which seems excessive. I totally agree with him that it's ridiculous, although I quite like cricket's occasionally propensity for the absurd. It's endearing. The artificial lights are now working. Glory be. As soon as they warm up, which knowing cricket should only take a few days, play will resume. The players are coming out again now. Not sure exactly what has changed in the last ten minutes, Maybe the umpires heard Boycott cocking his shot gun as he came stomping down the corridor towards their rest room and decided the safest place to be was back in the middle. 153rd over: England 570-3 (Cook 234, Morgan 95) Sharma is on now. His figures so far are 0-123. Cute. Morgan pulls a short ball round the corner for four to move to 95. Sharma's figures are now 0-130. His last ball really roars through to Dhoni. England will like the look of that. They could conceivably beat India by an innings and 300 runs here, which be would quite a way to go to the top. 154th over: England 574-3 (Cook 237, Morgan 96) Cook waves Mishra through the covers for three, which makes this his highest score in Tests and the highest by an Englishman since Graham Gooch's uberdaddy 333 in 1990. Morgan pulls the next ball into the elbow of the short leg of Gambhir, who almost catches the ball as it falls. Poor old Gambhir; that's the same elbow he injured so badly at Lord's. Sucker can't catch a break. A single later in the over brings up the 200 partnership. 155th over: England 574-3 (Cook 237, Morgan 96) Morgan, on 96, chases a very wide delivery from Sharma and misses. It's a maiden. "During the bad light break on TMS, Blowers says 'Ah, there's Michael

Holding going out to the umpires to no doubt ask what's going on as this light is not bad at all'," begins Lee Calvert. " Viv Marks replies, 'Well it must be pretty bad Henry as that's not Michael Holding, and if you look very closely at his face you'll see why.' Brilliant." Oh that's beautiful. 156th over: England 579-3 (Cook 240, Morgan 98) Five from Mishra's over. We've had just two boundaries since lunch. I can't imagine there have many more boundaryless journeys from 500 to 600. England lead by 355, with seven wickets remaining, against the No1 side in the world. It is quite preposterous. "I don't care what James Longhurst has to say about anything (151st over)," says James Huggett. "He is the enemy of cricket. The last time I saw him was 4 years ago, he was umpiring a friendly and gave me 'run out' on 49 just so I wouldn't reach my half century. I was so far in it was laughable. Thankfully I'm not bitter about it. Not at all. It's just a coincidence I haven't seen him since." 157th over: England 581-3 (Cook 241, Morgan 99) "In my opinion, the difference between England and India's performances, in hindsight, is that England has prepared well while India hasn't," says Sriraghavan B. "On the whole, the few Indian players who toured the West Indies and performed well have repeated it here, to some extent while the rest haven't. As for the English, somebody like Stuart Broad who was not in the scheme of things before the series started but has done well beyond one's expectations shows that he kept faith in himself and the trust reposed in him by the selectors. More importantly, it shows that he has worked hard for this remarkable return. His and Matt Prior's continued excellence are the highest points of England's success story so far. The others have lived up to their promise; one cannot discount the large heart showed by James Anderson! India needs some kind of a spark that could transform their current low which, I believe, is not a cause for undue worry. They could probably get inspired by Kapil Dev's feats here in 1986 and 1990 to pull themselves up. The fact that India is ranked No. 1 Test team has caused all these brickbats all around." England not playing the IPL, Morgan excepted, has certainly helped, and it's a good point about the West Indies tour. Apparently Courtney Walsh, when he reached a certain age, just kept bowling because he was scared that, if he took a break, he would never be the same again. I'm sure Sachin will be fine but maybe missing the West Indies tour wasn't a good idea. 158th over: England 584-3 (Cook 243, Morgan 100) Morgan sweeps Mishra for a single to reach his seocnd Test hundred. Cook runs down the wicket to warmly embrace him, a nice gesture and the sort you can't fake. In truth Morgan's 70-odd in the second Test at Trent Bridge was a better and more important innings, but the statistical gloss of a Test century never hurts anyone. The crowd respond by singing "Can we play you every week?" Oh dear. 159th over: England 592-3 (Cook 243, Morgan 104) Morgan drives Raina lazily down the ground for a one-bounce four. Raina switches to over the wicket as a result, and his first delivery turns a long way past the edge and through Dhoni for four byes. The lead is now 368. 160th over: England 596-3 (Cook 247, Morgan 104) Cook square drives Mishra easily for four more. His average is inching back towards 50 for the first time since November 2006. "Relatively minor (in some cases) cricketing moments which stuck in your mind and helped to cement your love of the game," begins Sean Moore. "1. My first ever Test match at Old Trafford 1976. Andy Roberts catching a David Steele (I think) skier right in front of me, despite dozens of schoolkids trying to put him off. 2. Boycott getting Derek Randall run out at Trent Bridge then going on to make a century. 3. Clive Lloyd 'dropping' Boycott in the World Cup final in 1979. 4. Alan Knott's century in the same innings. 5. Dennis Lillee's metal bat controversy." WICKET! England 596-4 (Morgan c Sehwag b Raina 104) Morgan has gone. He tried to drive Raina over extra cover but didn't get the elevation and Sehwag took a decent catch. 161st over: England 596-4 (Cook 247, Bopara 0) "Anyone already feeling sorry for Bopara?" says Tim Woollias. "A) he will be expected to get runs and b) if he does get runs nobody will give him much credit for them as India's bowling is poor. All those options running through his head while he watches a 200+

partnership, I reckon he won't get more than 20." I kind of think the opposite. He has a great chance to show he's a team player, and to enjoy himself. Only a moron would judge him harshly if he fails. It's a nolose situation. How often do you get to bat at 600 for four in a Test match? 162nd over: England 602-4 (Cook 248, Bopara 5) Bopara is beaten by a good one from Mishra, and then gets off the mark by slicing four through the vacant gully area. That also brings up the 600. "I think the biggest difference even this year - is how much of a unit England have increasingly become," says Mark Hooper. "The bowlers are working brilliantly as a unit, backing each other up, taking great catches and genuinely celebrating each other's successes. And all this nonsense about Strauss being soft by allowing players to complete centuries imagine if he'd declared with Prior or Bell in the 90s or Pietersen just shy of a double century that sort of stuff may seem petty to viewers, but it makes a massive difference to morale and confidence, and encourages individuals to look out for each other and play as a unit." Yep, agree with all of this. There's a lovely selflessness about this team. 163rd over: England 603-4 (Cook 249, Bopara 7) Bopara pads up to a delivery from Raina that doesn't miss off stump by much. "Can we please make sure that we get to at least 633 without losing a wicket?" says Alasdair Pratt. "I'm still haunted by this match, which was unfortunately one of my formative experiences as an England cricket fan. The almost vaudevillian sight of Atherton slipping and falling on his backside whilst trying to race back for a third run to bring up his century has haunted me for 18 years." Talking of that game, look at this shot from Chris Lewis. On a pair, battling to save the game, last over before lunch... there's only one thing for it. WICKET! England 605-5 (Bopara LBW b Mishra 7) Bopara goes. There was an inevitability to that. He pushed forward defensively outside the line of a delivery that him hit on the pad and would probably have hit middle and leg stump. That's a good decision from Simon Taufel. Bopara didn't quite look right throughout his short innings; he batted like a man who had accentuated the negative, when in fact he should have treated that innings as a freebie. The fact he failed should not count against him; the way he failed might, however. 163rd over: England 606-5 (Cook 249, Prior 1) 164th over: England 611-5 (Cook 251, Prior 4) Cook flicks Raina for a single to reach 250. He raises like his bat gently, like a man who's reached 50 rather than 250. Cook is the greediest bugger in cricket right now, and it's a serious virtue. It's only the 13th Test 250 by an English player. There's a fair bit of turn in this pitch now and, although it's relatively slow turn at this stage, I'd suggest Graeme Swann's series average will be lower than 116.50 come the end of this match. "Bloody rubbish England," says Simon Farrant. "Yet another collapse. Bring back Hick." WICKET! England 613-6 (Prior c Tendulkar b Mishra 5) Prior takes one for the team. He top-edged a sweep off Mishra, and Tendulkar sprinted in from the fence to take a good low catch. 166th over: England 613-6 (Cook 252, Bresnan 0) The new batsman has a Test average of 37.86. 167th over: England 615-6 (Cook 253, Bresnan 1) Bresnan awkwardly defends a big-spinning delivery from Raina. Graeme Swann should do plenty on this wicket. 168th over: England 616-6 (Cook 254, Bresnan 1) Cook continues to get 'em in singles. He has hit only one boundary in the last 52 overs, in fact. Bresnan is then beaten by consecutive deliveries from Mishra, both of which turned a mile off middle stump. Bresnan smiled after the second delivery, knowing full well that it's great news for England. 169th over: England 618-6 (Cook 255, Bresnan 2) Now Cook is beaten by Raina, with the ball again turning appreciably. WHY DIDN'T ENGLAND PICK TWO SPINNERS THEY'VE MISREAD THE

PITCH THIS IS A DISGRACE SACK GEOFF MILLER. Actually, there has only been one five-for by an English spinner against India in the last 40 years. Swann will never have a better chance of making it two. 170th over: England 622-6 (Cook 255, Bresnan 6) Bresnan, sick of propping and cocking, slugs Mishra down the ground for a one-bounce four. England lead by 398. "Where does this all this dominance leave Strauss in terms of best England captain ever?" says Mark Taylor. "His transition from the Vaughan years was quite understated and quiet, one day he was suddenly captain and here we are. I was talking to a colleague about this yesterday in terms of what we will look back on in 10 years time when England are getting beaten by everyone again." I'm not sure he's really a natural captain like Brearley, Vaughan and Hussain, but his achievements are remarkable: he and Andy Flower have achieved in two-and-a-half years what should really have taken the best part of a decade. 171st over: England 627-6 (Cook 256, Bresnan 10) Bresnan gets his second boundary by steering Raina to third man. Cook has only hit two boundaries today as well, which shows there is more than one way to grind a nose into the dirt. It's not that he is batting slowly, either: his strike rate is still above 50. 172nd over: England 628-6 (Cook 257, Bresnan 10) The lead is past 400, and there's still no sign of a declaration. "The rapid success of Flower's strategy fascinates me," says Kieron Shaw. "It has clearly rested on two absolute assertions, instilled unquestioningly in this team: 1. The Team is God. And, as a corollary, know that individual success is actually a credit to the whole team. 2. Pressure ultimately brings higher dividends than wickets or runs. This England team just frustrates and wearies opposition teams. Especially evident with the stiflingly clinical bowling attack which has given the Indian batsmen not a smidgeon of breathing space. But also evident in the way the batting line-up then relentlessly pressurises the opposition bowlers, and kills their will to go on both via the sustained pressure of a ridiculously long batting line-up, and, at an individual level, Cook and Trott's relish in flat-out refusing any of the bowlers' tempting saucy stuff and contentment to bat them slowly and clinically into insanity. The clinical aspect of it will probably win them few fans because they are also coldly, quietly, humiliatingly, unflinchingly, clinically merciless. But I'm loving it." Yes, very true. They are at their best when they play emotionless cricket, which is one of the reasons they were stuffed at Perth when it became a bit of a bar-room brawl. 173rd over: England 634-6 (Cook 262, Bresnan 11) Sachin Tendulkar is going to replace Suresh Raina, who has bowled fairly well for figures of 28-1-83-1. Before the series we might have feared seeing Tendulkar in action with the score 628 for six, but we didn't think it would be with the ball. Cook dumps a pull for four, which takes his Test average about 50 for the first time since the Ashes tour of 2006-07. 174th over: England 636-6 (Cook 262, Bresnan 13) Bresnan is beaten all ends up by a beautiful delivery from Mishra that pitches outside leg and spits past off stump. Again Bresnan smiles, realising it probably means less work for him in India's second innings. "I suppose Strauss is hanging on for the 300 now," says Gary Naylor. "Fair enough I suppose, but can't Cook help a little with some hitting?" 175th over: England 639-6 (Cook 264, Bresnan 14) This is now the highest team score in a Test at Edgbaston. Cook looks like he could go all night. He is not betraying even a hint of fatigue. It's terrifying really. It's not even a year ago that he was batting for his place, against Pakistan at The Oval. Since then he has scored 1566 runs nearly 500 more than the next best, Rahul Dravid. 176th over: England 641-6 (Cook 265, Bresnan 15) Two more from Mishra's over. There's not really anything to say. 177th over: England 646-6 (Cook 266, Bresnan 19) That's tea. It was an uneventful session in truth, with England milking 143 runs in 43.4 overs. But it was a nice kind of uneventful, like lying in bed with the Sunday papers and your loved one. England's lead is an incredible 422, and the remarkable Alastair Cook is responsible for 266 of those. Andy Bull will be here after tea. Bye.

Keep pushing that rock up that hill. Cook has scored three boundaries and 84 runs today. And Simon Kiely still wants more: "Am I the only one who thinks that given that this is the nearest we have been to having anyone reach 350 in almost 20 years (since Goochy in 1992), and that it is likely that we won't have the chance to see such a thing again in possibly another 20 years that we shouldn't even be contemplating a declaration until lunch tomorrow at the earliest. Give Cooky a chance to beat Gooch's triple Nelson, and cement his innings in the English record books, and then give him every chance of besting Lara's world record Like you said, the team's success is number one, but is predicated on the shared successes of the individuals therein." If you think Cook is slow check out this masterpiece from Glenn Turner in 1972.

The high hat. Photograph: guardian.co.uk

While we're waiting for... what are we waiting for again? Anyway. While we're sitting here, our colleague Steph Fincham is going to ride across Sri Lanka next year in support of Mines Advisory Groups. And, more excitingly still for you all, Lord Selvey has donated a hat signed by England's three Brisbane centurions, Cook, Strauss and Trott, for auction. The top bid so far is splendiferous $200. If you can beat that, let me know by sending an email with 'AUCTION' in the subject line. The auction ends when the final ball of the series is bowled. And remember, this hat has magic powers. It will double your batting average and, most likely, treble your sexual potency and quadruple your attractiveness to the opposite sex. In fact, simply owning this hat will make you five-times the human being you are. Think about it. Any time anyone calls your behaviour/character/achievements into question you can simply slap the hat on and say 'yeah, but I've got this magic hat, so...' Besides which, if the top bid gets over a certain - secret - mark then the winner will also get a masterclass in how to bowl chinamen from David Hopps. 178th over: England 651-6 (Cook 270, Bresnan 20) And so it begins. Again. Sreesanth has started after Tea. He's actually dismissed Bresnan here with a full ball that hit him flush in front of leg stump and then ricocheted on to the bat and shot away for a single. The only trouble is that Sree doesn't bother to appeal. Nor do any of his teammates. So Bresnan bats on. That's ludicrous. Is India's strategy to let England bat on and on and on in the hope that they actually forget to declare? Cook cuts his fourth four of thye day away past point. "Can you please explain why, on your pop-up scoreboard, you show last man as Tim Bresnan," asks Barry Luck. "Surely 'last man' is last man out (Prior) not last man in?" Indeed, Barry, and thank you for pointing this out. As I've told the 2,038 other people who have, quite rightly, had a good grumble about this, it is simply because our scorecard is, like our refresh function, knackered, and despite the fact that Smyth and I have been banging on about both of these things all summer long, no one listens to us and nothing changes. 179th over: England 652-6 (Cook 270, Bresnan 21) "In all of the batting partnerships this innings Cook has scored fewer than his partner," points out Joe Billington. There's a stoppage in the middle, by the way, because MS Dhoni has just been caught on the thumb of his right hand by a delivery Sharma. He's in a lot of pain, and the physio is out to give him some treatment. When play does resume, Bresnan sneaks a single from the sixth ball.

180th over: England 656-6 (Cook 270, Bresnan 25) Thank goodness Bresnan is keeping Cook off strike. He slots a drive through the covers for four. "That New Zealand scorecard is the most horrific thing I have ever seen," says Jack Roberts. "Anyone know where I can get a copy of the DVD?" It's illegal in most countries. You might find a black market copy if you know the secret knocks that will get you in through the backdoors in some of the shadier parts of Soho. Smyth might be able to give you a tip or two. 181st over: England 666-6 (Cook 274, Bresnan 31) Bresnan has stolen the strike again. He throws a loose drive at a wide delivery from Sharma, and the ball races away fine for four. At this rate he'll get to 300 before Cook does. The latest bid for the magic hat, by the way is $325. Top it if you can people. Athers and Nass are in the middle of a very entertaining riff about the potential horrors of watching Cook play in timeless Test. And it hasn't even dawned on them that Jon Trott could be batting at the other end. Cook has cut four past backward point and that's all the sixes for the score! Some strange omen this. 182nd over: England 676-6 (Cook 279, Bresnan 36) "Can we refer to this as the Nelson of the Beast?" Yes we can, Ken Manson. Or we could. Bresnan has just walloped a straight drive down the ground for four. Cook is really racing now. Did someone have a little word in his ear during Tea? He cuts four out to cover. I suspect, by the way, that England will declare when he has 300. Though not many of you seem to agree. 183rd over: England 680-6 (Cook 282, Bresnan 37) Here's something to cheer up the Indians," chirrups Jonny Sultoon. "The emerging players are putting in a good shift, ooh and look at MA Beer's figures. Remember him?" Ouch. England's second string are also playing well today. They're playing Sri Lanka A in a one-day game at New Road. James Taylor made 106 - his time is coming, and soon. 184th over: England 682-6 (Cook 283, Bresnan 38) Now we're talking. The latest bid for magic hat promises to stake a pound for every run that Alastair Cook scores in this innings!. Bresnan has a huge swing at a wide ball from Sree, and misses it altogether. His stats are extraordinary now - a batting average of 43 and a bowling average of 24. "The best bit about that Glenn Turner innings is the first line of the Almanack report, says Tom Aldred. "Do Wisden writers not need to worry about their readers giving up?" FARCE! FARCE! FARCE! The players are leaving the field! The umpires have forced everyone off the field because of bad light. Even though the lights are on. "We want our money back! We want our money back!" chant the crowd. This is embarrassing. Edgbaston is full of fans, 25,000 of them, Cook is 16 runs shy of a triple century and the umpires are forcing everyone off the field. This is an utter nonsense. Six minutes later, the umpire have called everyone back on to the field again. 185th over: England 689-6 (Cook 284, Bresnan 44) Play resumes then, with Sharma just one ball into the over. Bresnan thumps the first ball through extra cover for four. He's obviously having trouble seeing the ball. "Seems the bad light law taking the discretion out of the batsman hands is a retrograde step," says Billy Kingman. Unless the umpires are going to re evaluate their opinions on what is dangerous?" Well, at least they have rid the sport of the gamesmanship we used to see when teams were trying to stall for time. 186th over: England 696-6 (Cook 291, Bresnan 44) Four more for Cook, clipped off his legs. This is now the highest Test match score at this ground. Bresnan has a couple of lusty swings at a pair of wide balls, but misses both times. 187th over: England 704-6 (Cook 292, Bresnan 50) And there's the 700! Raised with a tremendous six into the stands at long-on by Bresnan. Away across the office someone starts applauding. On the other side of the desk Smyth snorts and then breaks into hysterical giggles. The lead is now 481. "I am sitting in the crowd at Edgbaston and you may have covered this already but nobody knows the last time England scored 700 in an innings. Can the obo help please? It would make several hundred drunk people happy with an

answer." Certainly can Alistair Ayres - 20 August, 1938. Len Hutton made 364, England declared on 9037. 188th over: England 708-6 (Cook 294, Bresnan 51) Well, we've seen a little piece of history here on the OBO today. And in 20 minutes or so we should see a little more. Cook inches a single run closer. As Peter Roebcuk wrote in an excellent column the other day, 300s are special, very, very special, so, all joke aside, fans should treasure this. Only five Englishmen have ever done it in a Test match. WICKET! JINXED HIM! Cook 294 c Raina b Sharma He's out! And in the softest possible style, lofting a catch to deep backward point. That's an astonishing piece of jinxmanship by the OBO. And England have declared. They close their innings on 710-7, with Bresnan on 53 not out. Cook trudges off, looking deeply weary as he goes. In the England dressing room, his mentor, Graham Gooch, leads a standing ovation. The England team join in with him, as do 25,000 other fans in the stands. So England's lead is 486, which Gary Naylor makes "ninth on the all-time list of leads having declared". While I go and think about what I've done, why don't you go and have a read of Hoppsy's blog from the ground? Here are the details of one the great feats of endurance in the history of cricket then: AN Cook 294 from 545 balls, with 33 fours. But I can't say any more right now - India's second innings is about to start. WICKET! Sehwag 0 c Strauss b Anderson (India 3-0) That'll be a king pair for Sehwag then, as he gets his second golden duck of the match. Gambhir takes three runs from the first ball of the innings, and then Viru edges an away-swinger from Anderson straight to Strauss at slip. The delivery was full and wide, and Sehwag tried to smear it on the up through cover. 2nd over: India 5-1 (Gambhir 3, Dravid 0) Broad makes a wayward start to his over, and bowls two wides. "I am a loyal Indian cricket fan," says Yeshwanti Balagopal. "And it is tragic to see a team this dispirited and weary in body and soul - or so they appear at any rate. While I have no doubt that England are a superb team at the moment, and fully deserve all their success, would that it had been a hard-fought battle between two tough sides, like the 2005 Ashes. Now that victory, for England, was sweet. This just feels like a bit of a farce." 3rd over: India 10-1 (Gambhir 3, Dravid 5) Dravid eases four through the off side. "So, a king pair plus fielding unhappily for (nearly) 188 overs. Has anyone ever had a more miserable Test match than Sehwag?" Well, Jim Clear, it rather makes me think of Kumar Sangakkara's line from his MCC Spirit of Cricket speech about Tharanga Paranavitana's first series, in Pakistan: "You were out first ball, run out in the next innings and now you have been shot! What a terrible, terrible first tour!" 4th over: India 16-1 (Gambhir 3, Dravid 10) Four more from Dravid, cut away square off a wide delivery from Broad. Here's Harry Tuttle: "He swings to the left, he swings to the right, Virender Sehwag, his batting is (fragment missing)" 5th over: India 16-1 (Gambhir 3, Dravid 10) Four slips in place for England, and a sub fielder is on for Stuart Broad too. He's at mid-wicket, and fields a firm clip off the hip by Gambhir. 6th over: India 16-1 (Gambhir 3, Dravid 10) Timmy Bresnan is on now. Dravid scurries a quick single to get off strike. "Sehwag's king pair was, I'm sure you're aware, the 13th in test history," says Daryl Vodden. "However, spare a thought for South Africa's Tommy Ward who, in 1912, not only bagged a King Pair, but each time was the hat-trick wicket for Australia's Jimmy Matthews. Now that, must sting." Yeah.

According to his Cricinfo profile Ward was then accidentally electrocuted when working at a gold mine. He wasn't someone you'd call one of nature's winners, really. 7th over: India 21-1 (Gambhir 3, Dravid 17) Dravid is racing along. He has 17 from 20 now. "So," says Lawrence Aggleton. "One player has got out softly just before a major landmark and another has made history by being only the second test opening batsman to record a king pair. Would it be harsh and/or amusing to comment that clearly Ravi Bopara's influence extends far beyond his own game?" Lawrence's subject line for that email read 'RaviRolled', which I rather liked. 7th over: India 24-1 (Gambhir 4, Dravid 17) Dravid is looking a little uncomfortable against Bresnan, as if he's haunted by the memory of that wonderful delivery that did for him in the first innings. 8th over: India 24-1 (Gambhir 4, Dravid 17) It does get worse than being caught out for 294 by the way: Martin Crowe was once caught behind for 299 after facing 523 balls and batting for ten hours. And it was Arjuna Ranatunga who got him, too. Ouch. 9th over: India 29-1 (Gambhir 9, Dravid 17) Gambhir knocks a half-volley away for four. And, if I'm honest, even that much is more than I actually saw of this over. 10th over: India 29-1 (Gambhir 10, Dravid 17) "Dravid just looks haunted, full stop. The bags under his eyes stretch way down beyond his lid," says Harry Tuttle, as Bresnan bangs Gambhir on the glove with a mean short ball. "He has carried the batting in a massive series - so much harder to do in losing situations than winning ones. If India can, with assistance from the weather, see out seven sessions with the bat it would feel like a victory. Change the picture entirely going forward to the Oval. Still hope for India." Really? What a wonderfully optimistic email, Tuttle. You should consider a career as a life coach. But, ahh, have you actually seen any of this series so far? 11th over: India 34-1 (Gambhir 14, Dravid 17) There are four overs to go tonight, and now Graeme Swann is on. Gambhir swings and misses at his first ball, which is an absolute ripper. Swann is going to enjoy himself on this pitch, though. A huge LBW appeal follows, and he's out. Gambhir should be gone, but umpire Davis doesn't give it. Swann can't quite believe his luck. 12th over: India 35-1 (Gambhir 14, Dravid 18) Ho ho ho, KP is coming on at the other end, just because the light is bad and Strauss wants to make sure India have to face another over from Swann tonight. He's bowling well too. He rips his third ball back past the inside edge, hitting Dravid in front of leg stump. KP is giving it a real tweak here, breaking the ball a long way back towards the bat off the pitch. And in the final move of what has been, to be honest, a bad day for the umpires, they decide that with eight minutes and two overs to play and two spinners on, play should end early. So that;s it for today. And for me, that's it for this series too. I'm off to watch people run and jump in South Korea. Which probably means that India's fightback is just about to start. Anyway, Rob will be back tomorrow to tell you just how many England win by. Thanks for your emails and company, it's been great fun. Cheerio.

Third Test, day four

England v India - as it happened

England bowled out India in less than two sessions to complete a stunning innings victory and seal their rise to No1

Preamble Hello. The calendar says August 13, yet by rights today should be December 25, or April 1, or February 29, or even February 30 because something joyous, absurd, rare and perhaps imaginary is likely to happen. Today, England should become the best Test side in the world for the first time since 1980, and arguably, in real terms, for the first time since the late 1950s. Such an achievement would normally be the culmination of a long, painful journey, yet this has been achieved by Messrs Strauss and Flower in just two-and-a-half years. The nadir of 51 all out, when England were sixth in the ICC Test Championship, occurred on 7 February 2009. The Andes have scaled Everest in record time. The comparisons with 2005 are interesting not just the teams but the nature of the experience. That Ashes win was necessarily melodramatic, and not just because the matches were what Ashley Giles didn't quite describe as derriere nippers; this has been calm and mature, and not just because the victories have been so emphatic. If 2005 was akin to first love, amour fou, pre-programmed to explode, then this is true love. It's not too late for us to be jilted at the altar in the comedy style, of course: India could save this match and win the next one, thus maintaining their No1 ranking, but the pitch is turning sufficiently to make this extremely unlikely. In the past, for many England cricket fans the worst-case scenario was the only scenario, whereas now we look at things logically. We realise that it's okay. Everything's okay. 13th over: India 35-1 (Gambhir 14, Dravid 18) Graeme Swann will open the bowling. He has largely been a supporting actor in the last nine months, since rounding up Pakistan at Lord's, but this is his day. He has a slip, leg slip, short leg and silly point for Dravid, who defends carefully. It's a maiden. WICKET! India 35-2 (Gambhir c Swann b Anderson 14) Jimmy Anderson strikes with his first ball! What an outrageous start. It was a good delivery first up, a shortish outswinger that drew Gambhir into an indeterminate poke outside off stump. The ball flew to the left of second slip, where Swann took a nice tumbling catch. Swann and Anderson, the big bromance of the England team, have claimed the first wicket. Not even a sniff of a loosener. 14th over: India 36-2 (Dravid 18, Tendulkar 1) Anderson beats Tendulkar second ball with a wonderful delivery, very full and cracking away off the seam. Then Tendulkar gets off the mark with a streaky single, the ball cannoning off the bottom edge of a crooked-bat force. A quite magnificent first over from Anderson. "Smyth, Smyth," tuts Josh Robinson. "We know you have, like all of us, been let down and hurt by Hope so many times over the years that you'll take whatever you can get with anyone else. But please be careful of Expectation. And even more so of Certainty. I'm not sure I like the way that a lot of Englandsupporters are assuming that this game is already won. We all know how bizarre Test cricket can be (remind me again what the scoreboard looked like in the third innings at Brisbane?) and besides, it just feels wrong to follow the England cricket side without a slight feeling of dread that however secure their position looks, things could always go very, very wrong." 15th over: India 40-2 (Dravid 18, Tendulkar 5) With the left-hander gone, and Tendulkar a bit iffy against seam early on in this series, Stuart Broad replaces Graeme Swann. He starts with a poor delivery, a low full toss that Tendulkar pings through point for four. Another very full delivery is edged on the bounce to third slip by Tendulkar, who then shoulders arms at a snarling lifter. It looks a different pitch today. "Big shout out to Fi and Lawrence, who are getting married today," says Andrew Kocen. "I in no way resent missing the cricket, and it's actually a good excuse to avoid the beginning of the shambles that will be Arsenal's season..." Please don't talk about that embarrassing filth on here. (I mean football, not the wedding, obviously.) WICKET! India 40-3 (Dravid c Prior b Anderson 18) Magnificent bowling from Jimmy Anderson. Absolutely magnificent. He's got the biggest wicket of them all, Rahul Dravid, with a wonderful full-length

outswinger. Dravid had to play, and he got the thinnest of edges through to Matt Prior. This has been a spellbinding start from Anderson. Good job some of us always had faith in him while the rest of you were writing him off. A-hem. 16th over: India 40-3 (Tendulkar 5, Laxman 0) This is interesting: Hotspot shows no edge from Dravid. That doesn't mean there wasn't an edge, as it's not 100 per cent accurate. There was definitely a noise, but that came at the exact moment his bat clipped a loose lace on his left shoe. Dravid did think about reviewing it, and had a quick chat with Tendulkar before walking off. That's all very strange. I don't think he hit that, you know. 17th over: India 41-3 (Tendulkar 6, Laxman 0) The likeliest scenario is that there was a bit of a mix up between Dravid and Tendulkar. Dravid said he wasn't sure he hit it, Tendulkar told him there was a definite noise and that the bat was away from the body. Who knew a lace would help England get hold of the mace? Oh dear, sorry. "That's a big statement Rob," says Andy Gold. "When is your exact moment in the 1980s you reckon the English were ahead of the mighty Windies? Is there not a pretty strong argument that this might be the strongest England team ever?" It's based on the official ICC Test Championship if you backdate it, the last time England were top was during the first few months of 1980. As for the best England team, I would still place the 1950s side and 2004-05 above them among post-war teams, but it's tighter than the most sensual spandex and could well change. The legacy of this side will be defined as much by what they do over the next 18 months (the big three of the subcontinent, South Africa at home) as what they have done over the last 18 months. But eff me they are a fine side. 18th over: India 45-3 (Tendulkar 10, Laxman 0) Tendulkar times Anderson thrillingly through midwicket for four. Shane Warne, who sees things quicker than most on a cricket field, says he likes the look of Tendulkar at the crease today. A hundredth hundred and England going No1 in the world? It'd probably still only be 12th story on Sky Sports News, just behind Leicester 0-0 Grimsby. I hate football. In other news, Snickometer supports the perception that Dravid did not hit that the only big noise came when Dravid's bat hit the lace, a split second after passing the bat. "The great thing about this England team compared to say the england football team is that our expectation is based on achievement and excellence rather than blind hope and patriotism," says Jeinsen Lam. "It's a nice feeling proud of our team. Like true love the feeling doesn't come round that often but when it does you have to enjoy it." Especially as it's bound to end in divorce. All marriages do these days, right. 19th over: India 45-3 (Tendulkar 10, Laxman 0) Laxman jackknifes out the way of a brutal bouncer from Broad, and then inside edges one back onto the pad. England are beating India up with merciless intent. It's wonderful to watch. "If Dravid didn't edge it, why on earth didn't he review it?!" says Simon Williams. "This is Dravid, for chrissakes, the one Indian batsman who could feasibly bat out the next two days. Surely he must have been able to tell the difference between edging it and hitting his shoe lace?" It all happens so quickly. Don't forget you only have 15 seconds to review, the adrenaline is shooting around your body, and also batsmen don't always know whether they have edged it or not. It seemed that logically the noise could only be bat on ball, because the bat was away from his body. Nobody knew about the lace. But it's still a little strange. We shouldn't rule out the fact that he did edge it, but that the edge was so fine that even Snicko didn't pick it up properly. 20th over: India 56-3 (Tendulkar 19, Laxman 2) Tendulkar pushes Anderson through mid off for four more, and now Mike Atherton also comments on how sharp his footwork looks compared to previous innings in this series. He squirts the next delivery to third man for another boundary. "Hi Rob," says Mathias Disney. "My wife comes out of hospital this morning with our baby daughter Lotta Swann Disney, having had TMS and the OBO to soothe our (well, my) nerves through the birth. When our son was born in July 2005, against a backdrop of civil turmoil and England's glorious Ashes resurgence, I didn't think the planets would align again in quite such an uncanny way. I am glad to be proved wrong. It's like watching Australia circa 1997 with Cook recast as a less taciturn but equally relentless Steve Waugh." Many congratulations from the OBO team and our twos of readers.

21st over: India 56-3 (Tendulkar 19, Laxman 2) A challenging over from Broad is defended well by Tendulkar. Sachin has his business face on. "You know what pisses me off?" says Mac Millings. "Misuse of the word random. 'I was in this random pub...' No. No, you weren't. Unless your method of picking the place was pulling out a list of pubs, shutting your eyes, and sticking a pin in it, you chose the pub, you decided to go there, ergo IT IS NOT RANDOM. And so help me, if someone says, 'I was doing the Naughty Dance with this random girl.' No one, not Pitt, not Clooney, not even Glendenning, has such a hold over womankind that he can thumb through the women-only phonebook blindfolded and end up doing the Rumpo Rumba with whichever lucky lady happened to be the 23rd name on page 2,357. I (apologies for the upcoming image) sleep next to the same woman every night, and it takes an almighty effort, weeks of planning, to even be in with a shot at the old Roll On, Roll Off. Hmm...weeks of planning, all over in under ten seconds? I am Lovemaking's Usain Bolt." WICKET! India 56-4 (Laxman c Prior b Anderson 2) That one is definitely out. It's another gorgeous delivery from Anderson, a perfect line and snaking away to take the edge as Laxman felt outside off stump. Just too good. Anderson is bowling outrageously well, and Laxman has been put of his misery after 21 balls of torture. 22nd over: India 56-4 (Tendulkar 19, Raina 0) Raina does well to jerk out the way of a vicious bouncer. A wicket maiden for Anderson, who has figures of 10-2-34-4. That wicket was his 237th in Tests, taking him ahead of Alec Bedser. He's now seventh on the all-time England list. "Did Dravid not review the decision because it was a case of having to prove a negative?" says Gary Naylor. "By raising the finger, the umpire has indicated that he heard something, so the TV umpire has to be sure that it was not ball on bat ie see something else that accounts for the sound. Snicko isn't used for reviews is it (it takes too long to load up I think) and everyone knows that Hotspot can prove the presence of an edge, but not its absence so can the TV umpire be satisfied that the noise heard was definitely not bat on ball? These decisions tend to stay on the field I find." I reckon it would have been overturned had it gone upstairs, but I don't think it should have been overturned because of the reasons you state. We still can't be certain Simon Taufel got it wrong. It's almost the reverse of that Laxman incident a fortnight ago. 23rd over: India 57-4 (Tendulkar 20, Raina 0) Tendulkar fences a nasty delivery from Broad on the bounce to fourth slip. Here's a nice link: the Test ranking of each side since the inception of the ICC Test Championship in 2003. "Vaughan on TMS just said something like 'if the Aussies think they're coming here in 2013 and competing with this team... They've got no chance'," reports Jonny Martin. "Just hearing him say that sent a thrill through me... Savour this..." I'm a bit wary of the Aussies. Steve Waugh, who doesn't deal in bullshit like most, reckons they have a quartet of quicks who will be ready for 2013. And it's an immutable law of sport that Australia can only be mediocre for a few years at most. Talking of which, I'm currently, belatedly, reading Golden Boy by Christian Ryan. If you haven't, do. It's a marvellous (and sometimes shocking) story told by one of the best cricket writers in the world. What more do you want? 24th over: India 57-4 (Tendulkar 21, Raina 0) With Tendulkar batting out of his crease, Anderson asks Prior to come up to the stumps. "Rather Matt Prior than me," says Mike Atherton on Sky, who then recalls Jack Russell stumping Dean Jones off the bowling of Gladstone Small back in 1990-91. If you haven't seen it before, it's a staggering piece of wicketkeeping. "In the debate about the relative greatness of England teams (how weird to type that and not snigger), this one has a big plus over 2004/05 for example, and that is the strength in depth," says Robin Hazlehurst. "2005 had four fast bowlers as a great unit, but when they lost Jones, they lost the plot a bit. This team doesn't even seem sure what it's best XI is, in a good sense. The great Aussies collapsed after three or four retirements, while the 80s Windies always seemed to keep finding new players. Maybe that is a good test of quality, how indispensable are the individual players. Right now none of the England players seem that vital or irreplaceable as individuals, which is quite a staggering achievement really. (I don't mean they wouldn't be missed, just that the team wouldn't collapse without them, like when Australia lost Warne McGrath and Gilchrist.)" Yep, very true. Amusingly, the seam-bowling back up in 2004-05 were two gents called Tremlett and Anderson. Ultimately, the joker for the 2005 side is the fact they beat one of the all-time great teams. And they also won in South Africa, which very few teams other than Australia have managed.

Dead dead profound question of the day to pass the time while the players have a drinks break Why is it so hard to open vacuum packs? Why do you always end up cutting yourself? (I mean with bits of the packaging rather than deliberately, out of sheer frustration at your inability to open a new pair of headphones so that you can listen to Wilson Phillips on the way into work?) Are vacuum packs the true test of masculinity? 25th over: India 64-4 (Tendulkar 26, Raina 1) Tendulkar drives Broad through point for four more, and then Raina gets off the mark with a flick to fine leg. "Should England be giving some experience to fringe players," says Daniel Johnson, "or is that being too cocky?" It's a difficult balance. Remember what they said about Chandimal and the cricketing Gods. A time will come, sooner than we think, where you need to consider rotation for dead rubbers. The other factor, though, is that in the Test Championship there are no dead Tests. If England win 3-1 they will be three points clear of India; if they win 4-0 they will be eight points clear. So no, same again apart from Trott for Bopara I guess. 26th over: India 64-4 (Tendulkar 26, Raina 1) Bresnan replaces Anderson, and he will fancy his chances of bullying Raina back to the pavilion. He has four slips and a man at short backward square leg. Raina defends a little awkwardly, and it's a maiden. "Yep, that's fair enough Rob," says Jonny Martin. "Vaughan's point was that they'll have little collective experience of English conditions, where as our bowling attack will (barring injuries) be Anderson, Broad, Finn, Bresnan, Tremlett et al. All probably between 26 and 30, all at their peak. I don't think the Aussies will be a shower by any means, but they have to climb a bigger mountain than the Andy's have managed, in a shorter time with less resources. I think I should have worked a mountain pun in there, Andes and all." Har. Yep, you would think England will be really hard to beat at home for the next few years, but you just never know. Had those words about the four Aussie quicks come out of anyone else's mouth I would not have given a solitary one, but with Steve Waugh it's different and I've barely slept a wink since. 27th over: India 71-4 (Tendulkar 31, Raina 2) It's a double change, with Graeme Swann replacing Stuart Broad, who bowled with menace and has figures of 8-2-19-0. There are four men round the bat, and Tendulkar decides to try to scatter some of them by smearing four to midwicket. Then Raina is dropped by Strauss at gully. It was a sharp, low chance as he edged a defensive push, but Strauss should probably have taken it. "Of the many things that should be banned, vacuum packs are up fairly highly on my list (or at least whenever I have to open one they are)," says Peter Ranger. "I mean what is point, if the stuff needs to be packed tightly and safely, just wrap it in bubble wrap, much more fun for the person who buys it." 28th over: India 79-4 (Tendulkar 39, Raina 2) Tendulkar eases Bresnan down the ground for four, a delightful stroke. Most of his boundaries this morning have come from gentle pushes, and there's another, waved imperiously through extra cover. "The true test of a man may be being able to open a vacuum pack without cutting oneself," says Matthew Brown, "but the true test of a wise man is whether one goes to find a pair of scissors instead." WICKET! India 87-5 (Raina LBW b Swann 10) Suresh Raina falls to a 21st-century LBW decision. He got a reasonable stride in to a quicker, straight delivery from Swann and looked shocked to be given out LBW, but Hawkeye has retrained our brain by showing that these deliveries are frequently hitting the stumps and replays confirm it was an excellent decision from Steve Davis. Raina instinctively made the sign for a review, but that is not an option in this series and he would have been out anyway. It wasn't an 'umpire's call', it was hitting the inside of leg stump four-fifths of the way up. 29th over: India 87-5 (Tendulkar 39, Dhoni 0) "I read Golden Boy on holiday," says Paul Gardner. "Compelling stuff but contrary to what I had almost been pre-programmed to believe, Kim came across as a fairly unsavoury character. Need I mention Dirk Wellham's [golden] shower?" I'm not far into the book, but I took that Wellham business more as a sign of his occasionally confused ingenuousness than anything especially unsavoury. (For those who haven't read it, Hughes had a habit or, er, decorating his team-mates in the shower.)

30th over: India 87-5 (Tendulkar 39, Dhoni 0) "While I too despise misuse of the English language (the words 'gutted' and 'legend' spring to mind), I must take issue with Mac Millings," says Natalie Samarasinghe. "There is such a thing as a random girl and, indeed, a random boy. I was taken to a club night called 'Shag Tag' in Manchester some years ago, where I witnessed a drunken young man stumble across the dance floor and bump into a girl standing next to me. They looked at each other, their dull eyes betraying no sign of recognition. He burped in her face and they began kissing. I'm pretty sure I saw them leaving together. It was my first month in England." And are the two of you still together? 31st over: India 89-5 (Tendulkar 40, Dhoni 1) A quiet over from Swann. "Kim Hughes," says Mike Selvey, "only did to Lillee and Marsh what they did to him." Ha. Imagine the scene if he had sprayed all over Lillee in the shower. The stuff about Lillee trying to brain Hughes in the nets sure is unsavoury. 32nd over: India 89-5 (Tendulkar 40, Dhoni 1) An accurate maiden from Bresnan to Tendulkar. "Agree about vacuum packs, and would put kids' toy packaging into the same bracket," says Nick Williamson. "You now need scissors and a screwdrver to remove even the most basc. And then ther'es the screw on the battery cover. A Dad that doesnt carry a Leatherman at all times is leaving himself wide open to his kids belevng hm to be less than omnpotent." WICKET! India 89-6 (Tendulkar run out 40) Unbelievable. Sachin Tendulkar has been run out backing up. Dhoni drove the ball back towards Swann, who plunged to his right and got the merest touch on the ball before it hit the stumps. Tendulkar was a fraction short of his ground, and the third umpire gave him out. "Tragedy" says Bumble on Sky. "There ain't no justice." Tendulkar walks off with the look of a man who has emerged from a proverbial barrel sucking his own thumb. That's really cruel because he was playing beautifully. What a perverse twist. 33rd over: India 94-6 (Dhoni 2, Mishra 4) Mishra drags Swann through midwicket for four. England's lead is 392. This is going to be one of the biggest wins in Test match history. It's an astonishing way to go to No1 in the world. This is one of the great victories of English sport, never mind English cricket. If it is not lead story on every sports news bulletin tonight I am going to go postal. 34th over: India 96-6 (Dhoni 4, Mishra 4) Bresnan falls over in his delivery stride, twisting his ankle a little in the process. He seems fine, though. "Easy, Rob," says Tom Brain. "Who are these Aussie quicks that the estimable Mr Waugh is talking about? Caution is probably wise, but let's leave the sleepless nights until we've actually seen them in action." I'm not sure. Josh Hazlewood was one, James Pattinson maybe. "Vacuum packaging?" says Kieron Shaw. "Been done. By the way, that wasn't Anderson who was backup to the Fab Four in 2005. That was Bad Jimmy. Remember him? And remember how you always wearily knew such Harmy-lite inconsistency he would dog Anderson's whole career? Now not just gone, but entirely gone along, not at all mysteriously, with all those people who were messing with Anderson's action. Still, can't blame them. Who knew such a pitch-perfect craftsman of swing could be forged from a man who openly admits his eyes are shut when he delivers the ball?" 35th over: India 98-6 (Dhoni 5, Mishra 4) This is ridiculous. 36th over: India 101-6 (Dhoni 6, Mishra 4) Prior has a delayed appeal for LBW when Dhoni walks across his stumps and misses a straight delivery from Bresnan. It was too high. Then Dhoni gloves a lifting outswinger short of backward point. That pinned the thumb of his bottom hand, in fact, and he's in a bit of pain. England scored 700 on this pitch. This is absolutely ridiculous. "Was there any scope for Strauss giving Tendulkar a reprieve there, given what happened to Bell earlier in the series?" says Josh Warren. "Or would that be ridiculous?" There was scope for it, but it would have been unprecedented and, I think, ridiculous. 37th over: India 105-6 (Dhoni 9, Mishra 5) Dhoni works Swann to square leg for a couple. He has been fairly becalmed thus far, with none of the bristling defiance he showed in the first innings. It wouldn't surprise me if he started swinging after lunch, though. "Bearing in mind how much the lack of preparation

and its quality has influenced India's performance," begins John Starbuck, "how much time and opposition do England get to acclimatise this winter?" I don't think the itinerary has been finalised yet, but the Ashes showed how thorough Andy Flower is in that regard, so I don't think there's much to worry about. Taking 20 wickets in Sri Lanka is something to worry about, mind. That will be a serious test. Very few sides from outside the subcontinent win there. England don't get nearly enough credit for their victory in 2000-01. You could argue it was a greater achievement than the 2005 Ashes, in fact. 38th over: India 116-6 (Dhoni 9, Mishra 16) Kevin Pietersen will bowl the last over before lunch. That's a good idea, as he will get the ball to spit nastily on this pitch. He will also bowl his share of bad balls, and Mishra pings a half volley through point for four before clouting a slog sweep over midwicket next ball. A single off the last ball takes us the lunch, and it's been a wonderful session for England. They took five wickets for 81, with three of them during an immense opening spell from Jimmy Anderson. They are four wickets away from the greatest achievement of their lives. Alan Gardner is the lucky man who will probably talk you through the last four wickets. Email him on alan.gardner.casual@guardian.co.uk. Bye. LUNCH Hello. It's time to dust off the turntable and pop on this classic, I think ... It won't quite be the shock heard around the world, but only because it's been coming. England are on the brink of a toe-tingling achievement and though many predicted a home victory in this series, the manner has been remarkable, a visceral kicking of cricket's top dog. As Rob observed earlier, this looks like being one of the biggest Test defeats ever handed out ... yet India have been pretty much served in all three Tests so far. Michael Vaughan's blithe chirping about a whitewash suddenly seems like the most garden-variety of observations. We knew what was possible but nobody expected the English inquisition. Anyway, you've got little old me to guide you through what should be an historic (if brief) session. MBE please! Speak your brains: "Here in Manila listening to TMS enjoying your updates as the wife has her 3 best friends round for drinks the 3 month old is crying and the nanny is on the phone while watching all her soaps on tv thank the lord for good headphones vodka gimlets and England making it to #1 in world , happy days." That stream of consciousness courtesy of Simon Shillito (and the vodka gimlets, I suspect). Robin Hazlehurst is on the funny with this observation: "I was about to accuse you of hubris and jumping the gun with the Spice Girls video, but then I realised that Geri Haliwell is the fat lady singing, and this really is over." "This is one match where I would not find it irritating to read (India chasing 487) at the top of every over," says Bernard Crofton, a crafty smile on his lips. And James Walford also has a big target in mind: "Australia inns & 332 runs v England Brisbane 29 Nov 1946 Test # 279 England's worst defeat and the 4th worst defeat of all time. Knock it down to 5th?" Natalie Samarasinghe, meanwhile, doesn't know what she's let herself in for: "(Re: 30th over) Yes Andrew and I are blissfully happy, and he drinks less now than he used to. You might know him. P.S. To the single ladies: writing to the OBO is a great way to meet the man of your dreams. I received a Facebook friend request within minutes of my comment appearing." And the obligatory "casual" email from Colin Schafer: "So, is there an alan.gardner.professional at the Guardian too? If not it's a pretty crass distinction ..." I tend to think of it as like Tesco Value branding. You immediately lower your expectations.

39th over: India 120-6 (Dhoni 10, Mishra 18) India need 487 to make England bat again Are you practising your sprinkler? Graem Swann to bowl to Amit Mishra ... and his first ball rolls off the pads and away for a leg bye. Swann asked the question but it was going down the leg side. Dhoni then picks up a single before Mishra gets a couple with a chop to third man. Here's Dan Lucas, with a whole can of perspective: "Afternoon Alan. Those nostalgic for the middling days of English cricket will do well to remember that we have a pointless and one-sided ODI series to come. The football season will be well underway, and once again it will be me, Smyth and Millings standing on the OBO's burning deck and talking wistfully of Radiohead and Twin Peaks as some IPL star we've never heard of sinks Captain Cook's ship (I don't know why all the maritime metaphors) with a 44-ball 80." 40th over: India 125-6 (Dhoni 11, Mishra 22) India need 487 to make England bat again It's Jimmy Anderson to bowl from the pavilion end. I suppose there would be some justice if India blocked their way through this session, as then Rob would get to mark the coronation ... Who am I kidding? Ooooh, that's what Anderson is looking for - a touch of away movement that draws Mishra's edge, though on this occasion it stays low and races through a gap in the slips for four. Anderson's next ball is a bouncer that homes in on Mishra's head, the No8 doing well to sway out of the way. 41st over: India 130-6 (Dhoni 16, Mishra 22) India need 487 to make England bat again Dhoni gets a thin edge on to his pad but the ball loops up and out of the reach of Alastair Cook at short leg! Ach, that was close. Dhoni then drives Swann for four next ball. Hey up ... WICKET! Mishra 22 c Broad b Swann (41st over: India 130-7) Mishra has been a touch skittish in his stay at the crease and now he's skittled himself. He decided to go after Swann, slicing a drive towards midoff where Stuart Broad took an excellent diving catch to his left. Just three-two-one to go ... And Praveen Kumar swings wildly at his first ball, aiming for cow corner but edging in almost exactly the opposite direction, over the head of Strauss at slip. 42nd over: India 143-7 (Dhoni 21, Kumar 8) India need 487 to make England bat again Dhoni pings a wide ball from Anderson over point for four before twice getting his fingers caught in the cookie jar by balls that jumped off a good length, the second offering up a single that brings Kumar on strike ... and he fends a brute of a delivery over the head of Swann for another boundary! Anderson then smacks Kumar right on the end of his thumb. It's his right hand, his bowling hand, and there's a red smudge of blood. Looks like he'll continue, though. For all India's pusillanimity this series, you've gotta love Praveen. "I can't believe how lucky I am to witness such great cricket - I lived in Japan for 22 years where baseball was the sport of choice, returned to the UK about 7 months ago to be with a cricket mad fianc & now cricket is my life! He is getting a little tired of my not so little crush on Cook though ..." You'll have to form a queue, I think, Tracy Morrison. 43rd over: India 162-7 (Dhoni 23, Kumar 25) India need 487 to make England bat again "Was the England/India series rained off?" asks John Donnelly. "5Live Sports Extra have been broadcasting some cricket themed comedy programme for weeks now. I can see what they're going for, but it's wearing a bit thin." B-dum, and indeed, tish, John. Start the car! Praveen wallops Swann straight back down the ground for four - although it was initially signalled as six - and then proceeds to smear two genuine maximums over wide long-on! The first destroyed the pint of a bloke trying to catch it, then second clipped the bonce of a lady in the crowd. Praveen has overtaken Dhoni and it's only taken him eight balls! 44th over: India 165-7 (Dhoni 25, Kumar 25) India need 487 to make England bat again This match, it seems, has been a thriller for several readers in Manila. Here's Eva Maaten: "And there I was, thinking we were the only loyal OBO followers in Manila... can't compete with the chaos of Simon's life, though... I imagine he shares my frustration with the lack of cricket on the telly around here, though!" And Richard Hartland is also (possibly) resplendent in vanilla. "Greetings to Simon Shillito from a fellow Manila based cricket fan with a crying baby. Can't quite believe this is England I'm watching, feels more like I've tuned into Australia a few years ago by mistake, but loving it all the same!"

45th over: India 172-7 (Dhoni 27, Kumar 30) India need 487 to make England bat again The strains of Joy Division ring out around Edgbaston. I wonder, was Ian Curtis a cricket man? "Swann, Swann will tear you apart again." Dhoni has a mow and a miss at England's offie, before Kumar swings like Charlie Gilmour on a day trip to the Cenotaph, inside-edging the ball past his stumps and away for another four. 46th over: India 180-7 (Dhoni 35, Kumar 30) India need 487 to make England bat again Anderson continues, beating the batsman outside off for the gazillionth time this series. Dhoni responds by picking up a length delivery and dumping it for a one-bounce four; and he gets another from the next ball, guiding a leg-side delivery down to the rope. "I have a 13-hour slog on the water today from Sooke to Ucluelet on the West Coast of Vancouver Island and need some OBO entertainment for the next 4 hours. Poseidon has put into b(o)at and has put up a bit of a sticky sea wicket to navigate upon." If this game kept going for another four hours, Guy Tyrwhitt -Drake, it still wouldn't be a contest. Though as long as Praveen Kumar is batting, it would be entertaining. 47th over: India 201-7 (Dhoni 40, Kumar 40) India need 487 to make England bat again Ha, that's preposterous! Swann tries to out-fox Kumar by dragging a quicker ball outside off but it was almost off the cut strip, beat fielder and keeper and skedaddled away for five wides. A misfield by Morgan on the boundary gives Praveen another four and then the No9 whups another huge six that Bresnan can do nothing about on the boundary rope, despite a valiant dive. Swann is fuming - he would make the Hulk look a fairly temperate fellow right now. Kumar then almost upends himself with a swing and a miss but the ball somehow evades the stumps and Prior's grasp, so the stumping chance disappears! Another Dhoni four does nothing to help Swann's mood, with 21 runs coming off the over. 48th over: India 205-7 (Dhoni 44, Kumar 40) India need 487 to make England bat again Dhoni hooks lustily for four. India are edging back into respectable defeat territory - it's no longer even in the top 10! A caught-and-bowled chance then drops just short of the sprawling Anderson. "Call me Mr Pessimistic if you must, but with all the to-ings and fro-ings yesterday, how's the weather and light today? With just four, oops, make that three, wickets to get, are we in any danger of losing sufficient overs to scupper England's chance of victory? (I suppose I could have phoned my sister who lives not far from the ground, but that would completely eliminate my chances of getting a(nother) mention on the OBO)." Even if Birmingham were under a blanket over burning-Carphone-Warehouse smoke for the next two days, Paul La Planche, England shouldn't have any worries here. WICKET! Kumar 40 c Bopara b Broad (49th over: India 205-8) Stuart Broad hits pay dirt with his second ball. Kumar stepped away and hoicked one straight up in the air, with Bopara taking the catch just inside the circle. He'd only been in 18 balls but we'd seen enough to come to love Praveen - though with a slight recalibration, he could well have reached the fastest fifty in Tests. 49th over: India 209-8 (Dhoni 44, Sharma 0) India need 487 to make England bat again Swann was taken out of the firing line, then, and Broad almost gets Sharma from the final ball of the over but the edge fell short of the slips. "Two days ago I was sitting on a small boat on my way from Iona to Staffa with the boatman waxing lyrical about Alec Stewart and the England cricket team," muses Clare A. Davies, "this on account of the fact that Alec's family hail from the part of Mull that was looming off our starboard side. It was not just unexpected, but also plain odd. No odder though, than sitting here today listening and reading as England trounce India to go number one in the Test world." 50th over: India 221-8 (Dhoni 56, Sharma 0) India need 486 to make England bat again Dhoni reaches a merry half-century with a punch over midwicket off Anderson - he then helps another leg-side ball on its way down to fine leg. Well, at least the captain's back in some sort of form, India fans. "I hope I'm not the first to notice, and it surely won't matter, but I'm fairly certain that India only need 486 to make England bat again," says the aptly named Tom Brain. Darn, tried to be clever ... WICKET! Sharma 0 lbw Broad (51st over: India 221-9) Once again India have reason to curse their intransigence over the use of DRS: Sharma is caught on the crease playing back to a length delivery ... but

he was hit outside the line and the ball would have gone both over the top and wide of off-stump, according to Hawk-Eye. 51st over: India 221-9 (Dhoni 56, Sreesanth 0) India need 486 to make England bat again India, by the way, are the only nation England have not won a Test series against in the 21st century. That's all about to change, even though Sreesanth managed to survive his first two balls. "In a bar in Rhodes. They're promising to turn the cricket off by 3pm so people can watch Sunderland vs West Brom or whoever. If Strauss doesn't want my holiday to be ruined, he better get more aggressive in his fielding." Almost there, Matthew Britton, almost there! We don't want yet more lives to be ruined by football. 52nd over: India 231-9 (Dhoni 66, Sreesanth 0) India need 486 to make England bat again Dhoni cracks another pull shot for four. Anderson is still searching for a richly deserved five-for and he almost gets it from the final ball of the over, as Dhoni toe ends a drive up and over the cordon. Jimmy has a few words for the batsman after that, possibly about how lovely Burnley is for a day trip on Sunday afternoon. "Shame we didn't get Kumar at number 42 or have we done that joke already?" Would Praveen Kumar's slogging really have been the meaning of life, Tom Marlow? Surely, on a day like today, it's No1. 53rd over: India 235-9 (Dhoni 66, Sreesanth 4) India need 486 to make England bat again Broad plants one right in Sreesanth's midriff - though why Sree was ducking against a delivery that would have only gone a handful of inches over the stumps, is anyone's guess. He almost wore another in similar fashion a couple of balls later, just managing to get his bat in the way before looking bemusedly at the implement in his hands like it was a cheesestring. He does, though, manage to drive the next ball for four. Time for point and counterpoint ... "Whatball? Hmmph bunch of over paid self absorbed etceteras. Long live CRICKET!" bellows Nicky Turner. Chloe Lin, meanwhile, has the bizarre request for some reason: "Alan, please do stop stirring - some of us are able to enjoy cricket and football and both beautiful games have their own fine points and excitement." 54th over: India 239-9 (Dhoni 70, Sreesanth 4) India need 486 to make England bat again Bresnan replaces Anderson and manages to keep Dhoni on strike at the cost of just one boundary. So Broad will get another crack at Sree. There's only 40 minutes until tea, you know ... 55th over: India 244-9 (Dhoni 70, Sreesanth 4) India need 486 to make England bat again Come on England Matthew Britton is going to have to suffer the football in a min- ah, too late. "Ah, the sight of Indian players getting out to LBWs that DRS should overturn but can't warms the cockles of my soul. If only there were some German word for that..." says Charlie Wilson, eyebrow arched. Kevin Pietersen goes jogging on, rather than dive for a Dhoni drive that ends up going for four. Broad rolls his eyes. "Oooh, Kevin," giggles Bumble, in the Carry On style. WICKET! Sreesanth 5 c Pietersen b Bresnan (India 244 all out) ENGLAND WIN BY AN INNINGS AND 242 RUNS KP reacts smartly enough to that one, and England have won the third Test by a crushing margin. Bresnan got the ball the leapfrog off a length, snagging a chunk of Sreesanth's bat and flying to gully ... And you know what that means: England are guaranteed to win the series by at least a two-Test margin and will be ranked the world's No1 team! Mummy! There'll be plenty of time to savour this moment, though the fourth Test starts in just four days' time, so there'll be no champagne in the dressing room yet. Anyone for 4-0? The considered thoughts of Messrs Selvey, Marks and Hopps will be up on the site soon, where you can ponder this England team's relative greatness in more detail. Thanks for your emails this afternoon, I'll be back to fill Bully's brogues from Thursday. Cheerio!