Dear People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, I wanted to send you a letter to thank you for the

packet you recently sent me. I was overjoyed when I learned that I was to represent the state of Illinois in a National Survey. Charlie Graham, lowly student/retail monkey (I know how much you guys like animals), could represent an entire state with a simple survey. The front of this package informed me that there was not one, but two (TWO!) gifts enclosed. I wasnt sure who it was from until I opened it, whereupon I was greeted by the logo of PETA, my absolutely favorite animal rights group. Interesting design decision, but well touch on that later. I was vaguely familiar with your outfit, having seen your advertising campaigns involved naked women who have been chained up and are writhing around in the dirt in orgasmic plea erm, uh anyway, I knew a little about you. Having received your packet, I spent some time researching your history. You were founded in 1981 after a case involving abused monkeys at a scientific facility and came to prominence after a 1985 lawsuit that led to a change in laws about animal cruelty. Bravo, gentlemen. After some further research, I realized you should have stopped there. What in the hell is wrong with you people? Is there some kind of law that prevents animal rights activists from being rational people? Let me go over some of your shining moments: In the late 1980s, you reported that the rumour about the theft of pets for crucifixions and animal sacrifice was a fact. While the great Satanic panic was certainly vogue, this seems a bit silly. Im sorry to break the news for you, but Satan does not live in America. He lives in Canada. If you remain insistent on the fact that there was no evidence to support any claims of satanic activites in the U.S., Ill give you a quote from David Rice, editor for holysmoke.org: One year during this "Satanic Panic" period, the October issue of PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of [non-human] Animals") newsletter arrived on my desk. Within this newsletter I read the "fact" that black cats are very often subjected to "crucifixion" by Satanists on or near Halloween / Samhain, and that the newsletter's editor suggested that owners of black cats keep them inside the house at night. Intrigued, I wrote a letter to the editor stating I had looked for evidence of such claims and had failed to find any, and then I ask what her evidence for her claim was. She sent back to me a postcard that said "People tell me so," and then demanded to know why I was defending the perpetrators. In 2003, you created an ad campaign named "The Holocaust on Your Plate" which drew a moral equivalence between eating meat and the systematic genocide of millions of Jews, Slavs, Romanians, homosexuals, political opponents, and the handicapped. You even had the stones to juxtapose pictures of pigs in pens and children in concentration camps. Well done, guys. Well done. Nothing makes me hot and bothered about meat more than the exploitation of genocide. Maybe you should try the Balkan conflict next? While looking into this, I also read about you guys protesting a dog show dressed in Ku Klux Klan robes. Really, that was a good one. Totally not a dumb idea. At all. Michael Vick, oh, oh, oh, Michael Vick. Michael Vick, as we all know, was sent to jail in 2007 on a two year sentence for dog fighting. Granted, this was a heinous crime. He deserved the

punishment he received. After his release from jail, Vick seemed actually remorseful. Apparently, though, this was not good enough for you. You decided to protest his seven game suspension and his team, The Eagles, claiming that millions of football fans were outraged that the NFL would dare to give a reformed criminal a second chance. According to you guys, Michael Vick is the worst person to ever play in the NFL. Never mind Ben Roethlisberger, who was accused of rape, with strong evidence against him, twice, or Brandon Marshall, who has been charged for repeatedly assaulting his girlfriend, or perhaps Donte Stallworth, who killed someone in a DUI. Your rejected Super Bowl commercials were already familiar to me, as Im a purveyor of well, never mind that. The commercials are always hyper-sexualized, not to mention increasingly sexist. You know theyre going to get rejected, yet you submit them anyway. Youll probably say this is obviously a form of protest. Protest against what? Censorship of women performing sex acts on vegetables on live TV? Im all for that sort of protest, but it does seem like youre wasting donated money thats supposed to go towards animal rights on these incredibly attractive women with the broccoli and the zucchini erm. Lets move on. In a 1989 interview with Vogue, your president, Ingrid Newkirk claimed that Even if animal tests produced a cure for AIDS, wed be against it. Despite this claim, your senior vice president MaryBeth Sweetland is a diabetic who uses insulin, which contains animal products, every day, twice a day, and I have no qualms about it ... I'm not going to take the chance of killing myself by not taking insulin. I don't see myself as a hypocrite. I need my life to fight for the rights of animals." If she needs her life to fight for animals, thats apparently cool with you guys, but everyone else can suck it and die. Finally, in 2008, PETA euthanized a grand 2,124 of the 2,216 pet err, sorry, companion animals that were turned in to your US headquarters in Norfolk, Virginia. Your spokesperson claimed that it was totally OK (because youre not working for animal rig damnit, my mistake) because 1) PETA doesn't really operate as an animal shelter (so why do they take animals that should go to shelters in the first place?); 2) America is facing a pet overpopulation epidemic and euthanasia is the most humane solution (unlike no-kill shelters that spay and neuter animals before putting them up for adoption.); 3) The vast majority of animals that PETA receives are not suited for adoption because they are unsocialized or too sick to make good pets companions; 4) Euthanizing animals allowed PETA to have more operating capital for shock marketing campaigns; 5) Yes, some adoptable animals were euthanized. But, hey, everybody makes mistakes now and then, right?

But hey, dont get the idea that Im some right-wing, neo-con loon that walks around kicking puppies and laughing maniacally. Im actually a liberal and an animal lover. Ive flirted with vegetarianism in the past, mostly for health reasons. I think that animals are beautiful. Unfortunately for yall at PETA, we dont have a lot of options. If it wasnt for animal testing, a lot of extremely dangerous drugs would have

entered the market and killed many, many people. We dont have the ability to test these drugs on cadavers. Computer simulations arent nearly accurate enough. Some amount of animal testing regulation is necessary, but so is animal testing. Im sorry. Thats just the way it is. In the future, when we can accurately simulate a living system, Id be all for replacing all animal testing. Until that time, well do what we have to do. But theres something else I have to add. Its about the package you sent me. First off, I noticed you didnt put your name on the front. You just put IMPORTANT SURVEY on the plain brown paper. This was probably so you can sucker people inside with a survey that included questions like DID YOU KNOW THAT ANIMALS ARE BUTCHERED? If I wanted someone to insult my intelligence today, I wouldve skipped down to the DMV and tried to get my license renewed. Second, you included a packet with pictures that was labeled WARNING, DISTURBING PICTURES OF ANIMAL ABUSE. Inside was some pictures of an unknown animal wrapped in a blanket, a practically out of frame dog that looked sad, and a monkey wearing a cast on its arm, which, while tragic, was a little hilarious in a dark way. Third, your two free gifts were two pages of stickers with animals on them and my name and address. Thats it? THATS MY GIFT?! If youre going to bribe me, please include 100 dollars in unmarked bills next time. That may work better. Fourth, and lastly, with the return envelope, you included NO STAMP. To mail your dumb survey, I have to get my own stamp? What kinda bull is this? Despite the pain of having to spend money on more stamps, I will be mailing this letter back to you. I hope you enjoy it. Really. Sincerely, Charlie Graham

P.S. Dont send me any surveys ever again. Thanks. xoxoxoxoxo.