Contents

interview with the haley transition team

p6 .

december 3, 2010 volume 6 issue 16

Publisher Paul Blake paul@columbiacitypaper.com ArTs eDiTOr Judit Trunkos jtrunkos@columbiacitypaper.com cOlATheATer.cOm S.M. Baleem, Garrett Kellerhals Design Lisa Corbin music Kingsley Waring
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News.Politics.Commentary.
letters to the reader dear palin reality show 3 news candidates against government spending had federal contracts, tax breaks 4 opinion my friend Jennifer 5 arts ceramics with an attitude 10 review the fleshlight 11 music patchwork medic 12

Movies.Entertainment.Etc.
soundboard punk/indie/emo/ska/hardcore/metal/rock road trip regional music dates movie times at the nick and big mo drive-in savage love adult sex advice Jonesin crosswords cartoons derf & red meat sudoku 8 10 13 13 14 14 15
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AccOunT execuTives James Wallace, Jen Snyder

cOnTribuTOrs S.M. Baleem, Garrett Kellerhals, WR Marshall, Todd Morehead, Will Moredock, Ted Rall, Dan Savage, Kingsley Waring, Baynard Woods cOlumbiA ciTy PAPer 2965 North Main Street Columbia, SC 29201 803.218.9455 (DiaL aRea CoDe)

Advertisers in Columbia City Paper assume responsibility for the entire content of the advertisements. The first copy of Columbia City Paper is free. Additional copies are $1 and two-bits each. Views expressed do not necessarily represent the opinions of Columbia City Paper or its publisher. (C) Columbia City Paper, LLC

Letters to the
Dear homeless man, A bit of sales advice: future transactions will be easier for all of us if just level with me when you make your pitch. When you asked for a dollar for something to drink I thought youd be pleased with my generous contribution of two unopened Coke Zeros. Instead, you turned your nose up and started griping about diabetes and cash flow. That misunderstanding could have been avoided with more honesty and specificity on your part. Instead of something just say Robitussin or cooking sherry. If your plans for the evening involve huffing spray paint and disrobing in a convenience store, let your benefactor know. Personally, Id support that all day. Just dont be pissed when you ask for a drink and receive one. Columbia City Paper Dear Palin reality show experiment, In typical Republican fashion, its blatant and shameless but expertly played. After all, what do you do when you have a perfect figurehead, who doesnt quite hold her own in hard politics? You back her up a step, rebrand her as Sarah Palin, Reality TV Celebrity, and America will vote for her all day. Of course, theres a risk that the show could backfire. Were supposed to see her folksy, human side. Instead we see that either a.) she cant humanize and step out of her robotic public persona for a millisecond while the cameras are around or b.) even more frightening: that caricature is who she really is. But, at the end of the day, this is America and most voters arent much for abstract thought. Celebrities are shoe-ins, regardless. The only reason Gary Coleman lost his gubernatorial bid in California is because Arnold Schwarzenegger was on the ballot. To combat the coming juggernaut in 2012, the Democrats need to adapt in the same way Republicans have (i.e. drop antiquated concepts like legitimacy, pride, civic duty, and competency); they need to tell Biden to hit the showers; and they need to run an Obama/Oprah ticket. Otherwise, kiss the soccer mom vote goodbye. Columbia City Paper

Reader
Age. Booze, you said, actually helped facilitate the rise of early civilization by greasing the rails when neighboring tribes gathered together to feast. Certainly beer was instrumental in the evolvement of human society. But not, I postulate, for its role in tribal relations. In reality, its benefit is most evident in terms of procreation of the species. See, dudes probably havent changed much in the last 11 millennia. However, concepts like bathing and lingerie and shaved landing strips were alien in the Neolithic. A cavewoman back then probably made even the ripest of Russian armpits smell like roses. When she, draped in a goat pelt, sidled up to ancient man, cocked her furry Cro-Magnon brow and flashed a toothless grin, he might have needed at least a few gourds of ale to make her look even semipassable. Inventing the social gathering is one thing, but alcohols primary function, I argue, was the same back then as it is today. You simply discovered the invention of early beer goggles. Columbia City Paper

Dear Gamecocks football fans, I want to sing! I want to spontaneously break into dance with strangers on Main Street, like some shit out of a Broadway musical. I want to twirl around light poles and click my heels and do jazz hands on the hoods of taxicabs. I feel like a schoolgirl again! Yet, I am frightened. As I know you are. Spooked in the way an undiscovered tribe would be after its first glimpse of an airplane. Seeing the Gamecocks atop the East is like encountering space aliens or some terrible giant god bird in the sky. Our reality has been torn asunder too quickly for our collective consciousness to process it. Being a Gamecock fan molded me into the proud cynic I am today. The dark gallows humor that all Carolina fans possess was forged in the fires of anguish and loss and humility. How do we move forward from here? Surely with excitement into a bold new future. But also with trepidation. We are afloat on a ship with no Dear archaeology community, compass heading for a broad new horizon. Some of you recently asserted that And I? ...An asshole reduced to writing primitive humans were brewing beer as melodramatic prose. early as the Neolithic Period of the Stone Columbia City Paper

december 3, 2010

By Kimberly Leonard, The Huffington Post Investigative Fund, and Aaron Mehta, The Center for Public Integrity In his quest for West Virginias Senate seat, Republican John Raese frequently attacks professional politicians out-ofcontrol spending spree as he promises voters that hell rein in the federal budget. What the businessman-turned-politician leaves unspoken is that his own company has benefited from taxpayer spending. Greer Industries Inc. sold $2.7 million of products to the federal government and $29 million in raw materials to the state in the last five years. Raese is among roughly two dozen Republican and Democratic candidates in this falls congressional elections who attack federal largess but have benefited from it through companies, employers or relatives who got contracts, grants or tax breaks, the Center for Public Integrity and the Huffington Post Investigative Fund have found. Discrepancies between statement and deed, of course, are nothing new in politics. Because candidates assume that the public loathes excess federal spending, they rail against it. But the ubiquity of federal largess means theres so much money out there, even those who hate it seem to benefit from it. Despite red-faced anger about government, it plays an increasingly important role in the lives of all Americans, noted Lawrence Jacobs, a University of Minnesota political science professor. A country that is now increasingly dependent on government is now increasingly hostile to government. The most common target of criticism has been the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act. Passed in February 2009, the stimulus promised to revitalize the economy by sending $787 billion around the country to create jobs and spur economic activity. Twenty-one months later, the role of government spending and especially the stimulus has become a flashpoint in elections around the country. Stimulus in Wisconsin, Missouri, Kentucky In Appleton, Wis., Republican House candidate Reid Ribble bashed the stimulus even though a construction firm owned by members of his family won a contract for $130,000 in stimulus funds to repair the roof of a local elementary school, the candidates nephew and new owner of the company, Troy Ribble, confirmed. Democrats critical of stimulus program effectiveness also had family members who received benefits. In Missouri, Senate candidate Robin Carnahan has called for a november 18, 2010 4

halt to expanded stimulus spending proposed by President Barack Obama. But her opponent points out that a company owned by Carnahans brother, Wind Capital Group, received $107 million in stimulus funds last year. Carnahans campaign did not respond to requests for comment. In some races, the discrepancy has drawn attention. The operator of a restaurant owned by the family of Rob Portman, the GOP Senate candidate in Ohio, had requested tax credits for a historic restaurant and hotel Portmans family owns. Portmans campaign said that the request for aid was later withdrawn. In Washington state, Republican Senate candidate Dino Rossi owns a share of a minor-league baseball team; state government tax breaks have supported construction at the stadium where the team plays. A spokeswoman for Rossi said the stadium received the money, not the team itself. Controversy has also beset Democrat Ben Chandler, who represents the 6th district of Kentucky. Chandler came under fire last year when it was revealed that the state hired his wife, at a salary paying nearly $80,000 a year, to help administer stimulus funds for Kentucky transportation projects. Now in a tough re-election race, Ben Chandlers ads emphasize his independence and seldom identify him as a Democrat. His campaign did not respond to requests for comment, but Chandler has previously said he had nothing to do with his wifes hiring. While hostility toward Washington is the hallmark of this election season, government is still where Americans look in times of a crisis, whether its an oil spill in the gulf, a bank failure or a broader economic crisis, says the University of Minnesotas Jacobs. Second Thoughts by Auto Dealers Other candidates say that at the time their private firms took government money, they thought the initiatives might help the struggling economy and decided only later that the programs had been a mistake. Republican businessman Tom Ganley, running a wellfunded campaign for Ohios 13th District, south of Cleveland, is one of several auto dealers seeking

congressional seats who now denounce the cash for clunkers program but earlier took advantage of part of it. Before he ran for Congress, Ganleys auto dealership received almost $3.7 million in cash for clunkers funds. He was initially in favor of the program, but later came out against it. Asked about the switch during the campaign he said, Initially the program looked to be a success. But the next few months showed we were wrong, as sales dropped and the industry continued to struggle. What was learned from cash for clunkers is that we cannot rely on big government to fix the private sector, Ganley said. In southern Virginia, House candidate Scott Rigell, who has decried the stimulus and other government spending, participated in the program with his auto dealerships netting $568,500 for 137 sales, according to data from the Transportation Department. Rigell said his company and its 240-person staff would have been at risk if he had not participated in the clunkers program. Customers would have sought business elsewhere, cutting company revenue and putting employees at risk, he said. I resent the government for putting our family business in that position, Rigell said, adding that he eliminated his own pay in December

2008 to avoid layoffs. The situation was even more dire for Jim Renacci, a Republican candidate who owned Renacci-Doraty Chevrolet in Wadsworth, Ohio. Though his business received $168,500 for 39 transactions under the clunkers program, according to the Transportation Department, his dealership was eliminated by General Motors earlier this year as part of a government-mandated restructuring. Forty employees lost their jobs. State Film Tax Credits In Connecticut, Republican Senate candidate Linda McMahon has also faced criticism. She is running a campaign tirade against big government with ads blasting reckless spending, bloated bureaucracy and unthinkable debt. But in 2009, McMahons high-profile company, World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc., reaped $9.8 million in state film tax credits from the two previous years. This year, the company took $5 million in state infrastructure tax credits. McMahon says that the company has been run solely by her husband since she stepped down as CEO in September 2009 to run for office. In any case, she says that the publicly traded company had a responsibility to shareholders to seek the credits.

My Friend JenniFer
Knowing her helps me understand this crazy state
I have a friend named ...well, lets just call her Jennifer. Jennifer is nearly 50 years old, a native and lifelong resident of Charleston County. She lives on a road By Will Mordock that bears her family name, on a small remnant of a 17th century royal land grant to one of her ancestors. Jennifer has a psychology degree from Charleston Southern University, though she has never used it professionally. She makes her modest living as a film driver, meaning that when a movie production company comes to town, she hires on to drive the actors and other bigwigs around. You probably didnt know there was such a career as film driver. Neither did I before I met Jennifer. She was born and raised a Baptist, but has not been going to church much in recent years something about a falling out with her minister. She said she is actually tilting toward Pentecostal these days, but even when she does not attend church on Sunday morning, she assured me that she watches a service on TV. Even so, there is nothing in her theology that prevents her from enjoying a cold beer or a Margarita when the situation calls for it. But she has never touched marijuana or any other illegal drug. Jennifer doesnt read a newspaper. She doesnt read much of anything, really. What she knows of the world she has learned from CNN, Fox News and Channel 5 News. She doesnt know much about local politics or politicians either. When we were having lunch in a Charleston restaurant a couple of years ago, County Councilman Tim Scott walked in with several other men and took a table near ours. Thats Tim Scott, I whispered to Jennifer. Whos Tim Scott? she whispered back. But she voted for Scott for Congress in last months election, not out of support for his words or deeds, but because he is a Republican. In fact, she voted a straight GOP ticket, with the exception of lieutenant governor. Her cousin Robert Barber was the hapless Democrat nominated for that office. Jennifer has voted GOP in every presidential election since she was old enough to vote with one exception. She supported fellow southerner Jimmy Carter in 1980. She certainly voted against Barack Obama two years ago. I hated Obama...I just dont like him. She couldnt explain her feelings, except to say that he has no substance. But she understood why she voted for Nikki Haley for governor. She knew nothing of Haleys or Democrat Vince Sheheens platforms, but she knew that Sheheen supported Obama, and that was enough. She said she was particularly moved by Haleys ads comparing Sheheen to Obama. Jennifers political attitudes seem at odds with the reality of her life. She has no health insurance, but she was opposed to healthcare reform because it is socialist and includes death panels, she told me. Her mother spent the last years of her life heavily dependent of Medicare, but Jennifer does not think there was anything socialist about that. As a film driver, she is a member of the Teamsters Union and acknowledges that union membership is what makes it possible for her to earn up to $1,500 a week hauling movie stars around. She also appreciates the job protection it offers when she is working. She doesnt seem at all conflicted in supporting a Republican state government that does everything it can to limit union power and boasts that South Carolina has the lowest rate of union membership in the nation. Film production has not been good in the area lately. She has gotten only one gig in the past year. As a result, she has spent much of the year on unemployment and she frets constantly that her benefits may soon be cut off. I tried to explain to her that it is Republicans who want to take away unemployment, but she would hear none of that. She thinks that state government should offer more incentives to bring film companies to the state. I have not pointed out that such policies defy the laissez-faire rules she seems to support for everyone else. Jennifer is not a racist or homophobe, like so many of her fellow GOPers. In fact, I can say that she is one of the most generous, big-hearted people I know. But when it comes to politics, like most white people in this state she is guilty of groupthink. She cannot separate herself from the herd and she cannot see the effect her behavior has on her own circumstances, and on the larger society. Until white people in South Carolina can open their eyes to what is happening around them and to the role their behavior plays in it this state will remain economically and socially undeveloped.
december 3, 2010

by Jaroslav Dampfstain For the past six months, Ive been living like a curdogge in the fleabag motels and dirty denizens of Ciudad Juarez, Mexico. I was told that the Chihuahuan Desert was the only place on this godforsaken planet more hot and corrupt than our famously infernal town, so I needed to see it (lap it, rub it, corn-hole it) for myself. Indeed, in Juarez, newborns nurse bottles of salsa picante copiously, almost as much as the politicians suck the dirty cock of organized crime. It is truly a sight to behold, and perhaps a precursor to what life in South Carolina under the Haley Administration is likely to resemble toward the end of her first term. Now that the Palmetto peasantry has taken the plunge to make the Great Teabag Social Experiment a reality, it should be interesting to behold life in a U.S. state without social services. Yes, come 2014, I think we can expect to see corruption and ignorance at an all-time high, with enough bullet-riddled bodies in the streets to build a tower to Jehovah, and far fewer of those pesky social services that weve all come to hate, such as local parks, fire stations and public libraries. A lot has been made lately of the Haley Transition Team, a cabal of 14 veteran Palmetto politicos including former U.S. 6
december 2, 2010

Ambassador and S.C. Speaker of the House David Wilkins, S.C. Attorney General Henry McMaster, and Former Sanford Deputy Chief of Staff Chad Sticky Fingers Walldorf. Sorry if you voted for Haley charmed by her king cobra lies about governing outside the realm of the bubba system. Upon my return from Juarez, I was granted an interview with the Haley Transition Teamprobably because I lied and told them my name was Dirt Sanchez with El Diario de Juarez. I was granted unprecedented access during one of the Transition Teams recent weekly meetings at South Carolina Policy Council Global Teabag Headquarters in Columbia. Ashley Landess, president of the Policy Council and a member of Haleys Fiscal Crisis Task Force (another new administration camarilla), met me at the front door wrapped in a towel. I resisted making a joke about a water buffalo hitting my car. She handed me a towel and ordered me to strip. I cocked my brow (and browed my cock) and obeyed, then followed her deep within the bowels of the building. Landess opened a sweaty wooden door, and we entered a large sauna, wherein all 14 towel-clad Transition Team members were talking political turkey and sweating up a neocon storm. I was directed to sit near the coal pit and told I could ask the Transition Team 11 questions. It was a miracle that my fake Salvador

Dali mustache didnt fall off my upper lip during the course of the interviewdespite the fact that Transition Team member Derick Close kept heaping coals on the pit, boasting that he wanted the room to be famously hotter than Hades.

TT: Governor-Elect Haley intends to declare by gubernatorial fiat that pakora is the official state snack. She has plenty of money left from her campaign and is making daily trips to Lahore to bring back boatloads of the stuffenough to make everyone in JD: So I guess Nikki couldnt make it this sari state forget the boiled peanut ever today? existed. Transition Team: Thats question one. JD: Okay, a more serious question. Ten left. No, she couldnt make it. Shes on Im assuming the Transition Team must be a pakora run. thrilled with the states African-American [Interviewers note: All 14 Transition electorate? Team members responded in unison to my questions. It was like engaging in dialogue TT: How do you mean? with the Teabag Borg.] JD: Thats not fair. Youve answered JD: I hate to waste a question on this, a question with a question. You cant count but pakora? Isnt that an Indian snack food, that one. I get another question. some kind of veggie fritter? TT: Granted.

Dont you think its funny how the far right has convinced its Christian base that God endorses greed, militaristic murder, and all the other diabolical principles of political conservatism, when actually Jesus and the first several generations of Christians were outright Socialists?

[Mr. Close ladled some water on the coal pit and in so doing destroyed my audio recorder, with intent methinks. He also tugged on my fake mustache.]

endorses greed, militaristic murder, and all the other diabolical principles of political conservatism, when actually Jesus and the first several generations of Christians were outright Socialists? Or have you never read JD: Lets be blunt. If Obama had the Gospels and the Book of Acts? been on the November ticket, the blacks TT: Funny indeed. Thats two would have come out of the woodwork and questions. Youre down to three. squashed your little Lexington lady. TT: South Carolina blacks do not regard Indian-Americans as poorly as L.A. brothers hate Korean liquor store owners, but we agree that Sheheen would have kicked ass if the election had been in 2012. Thank God blacks dont care sufficiently about their own political self-interest to show up every election. JD: How will you work with the new State Superintendent of Education to reform one of the worst K-12 systems in the country?

TT: In the middle of the night, we intend to secretly bury alive all the stupid, poor children and replace them with math and science prodigy orphans from Mumbai. JD: Is it true that Governor-Elect Haley We have confidence that Superintendentintends to cut at least one billion more from Elect Zais, a former military general, can the state budget and literally drown the baby carry off this logistical challenge without a hitch. Two questions remaining. in the bathtub? TT: Ooh, that would made a nice image. Well work on that for 2014. The answer is no. Governor-Elect Haley will not drown the baby. She plans to throw the baby out of the bathtub to a pack of hungry pit bulls and smile lasciviously as the baby is eaten alive before her very eyes. Then she and her libertarian comrades will lap up whatever blood remains. Count yourself lucky if the state budget could cover a 12-pack of Thums Up when shes done. JD: I suppose even left-leaning citizens should celebrate the fact that South Carolina, despite all its corruption and history, has elected a minority woman as its political chief executive. Does Governor-Elect Haley like being on top? I dont mean to offendI know her husband is a Transition Team memberbut throughout most of the campaign I think the general public perceived that she liked coming from behind.

TT: You arent really with El Diario de JD: Wow, another Indian food reference Juarez, are you? there. [Members of the Transition Team began TT: True. But what about the reference whispering amongst themselves. I noticed in to Queen Jezebel? Every ruler need an a mirror that my fake mustache was hanging on by a thread.] historical referent. JD: I thought Haley was doing everything possible to dissociate herself from her Indian heritage. TT: If you only knew how deep the conspiracy runs. Do you think its a coincidence that two ultraconservative Indian-Americans have now won governorships in the South? Achtung the subcontinent! Soon you will all worship Bollywood and cows. JD: That brings up an interesting point. The stereotype is that ethnic minorities vote solidly Democratic. Indian-Americans dont necessarily fall within that stereotype. Can you hazard a guess as to why? TT: Ever heard of the caste system? You have four questions left. JD: Five! You answered another question with a question. Dont you think its funny how the far right has convinced its Christian base that God JD: Final question. Does it hurt? TT: Does what hurt? JD: Well, Howard Rich has his hand shoved far up all your asses feeding you these lines of libertarian garbage. That must hurt insanely. Do you use any particular unguents or ointments to soothe the ache? [Mr. Close threw a bucket of water on my face, and several members of the Transition Team tried to jump me. I kicked over the coal pit and in the ensuing melee managed to emerge relatively unscathed onto Pendleton Street. I noticed that a water buffalo had indeed hit my caror maybe it was just Mayor Benjamins SUV. Thank God I still had that towel. But Ive been driving around Columbia in my birthday suit ever since. Im headed back to Juarez soon; as least the corruption there is organized. If you find a fake mustache, please mail it to the City Paper in care of Seor Sanchez.]
december 2, 2010

december 3, 2010

McMaster Gallery at USC presented Garth Johnsons ceramic exhibition, An Exhibition of Altered Vessels. The show featured the artists new works of reused and repainted ceramics. Johnsons art is a strong, narrative critique of popular culture, which he applies to objects one least expects, including tea pots and dinner plates. Johnson was born in Lincoln, Nebraska, and spent his formative years in a sparsely-populated area, where he learned to entertain himself. He finished a BFA in Ceramics in 1997 and soon started working with the Pottery Liberation Front (PLF). The PLF is an artistic movement with the goal of challenging art world attitudes toward clay, and more importantly, the attitudes of ceramic artists toward art. Johnson completed an MFA at Alfred University in New York and currently teachers at College of the Redwoods in Eureka, California. Johnsons website, Extreme Craft, is a compendium of art masquerading as craft, craft masquerading as art, and craft raising its middle finger. (Not exactly the stereotypical ceramicist mantra!) Johnson is the co-host of the DVD Reconstruct and author of the book 1,000 Ideas for Creative Reuse, which documents creative reuse-material projects. Johnson uses platesboth commercial blanks and collectors platesas foils for his computer-generated ceramic decals and china paint. A pop-culture junkie, his plates serve as a vehicle for commentary on contemporary society. His reuse teapot piece entitled Made in China #2 is a classic representation of the Johnson style. This elegant teapot is now a vessel of industrial criticism. Small
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yellow hue factory smokestacks release an overwhelming, ornate cloud of pollution, which is the pieces central design. It takes several moments for the minds eye to determine the narrative of this ceramic delicacy: what the art lover might perceive as pretty is, in fact, a polemic against pollution. Johnsons multi-message disc piece, 4 Plates, is a collection of four former collectors plates with several distinct narratives. Rugged Individuals and Snake Oil both present a strong criticism of male-female human interactioneven if the subjects are anthropomorphic cats and dogs. With the two other plates, Retropollution and Practice, Johnson especially pokes fun at the very idea of the layman collector plate. With the former, the classic convertible becomes a symbol of industrial waste. With the latter, a Norman Rockwell piano scene with would-be Dick & Jane flapper singers, Johnson finds an opportunity to comment on the vapid lyrics of popular song from any age. Johnson explains his work, I began china painting blank plates and using computer laser decals, combining them to bear larger images in tandem. These works fell comfortably in the cracks between ceramics, painting, printmaking, and computers, boundaries that I find interesting. Indeed, modern art is as much about innovation as it is about commentary. Johnsons ceramics demonstrate the ongoing artistic dynamic to be freshly creative yet classically intellectual. He melds Rockwellian skills and images with serious social criticism that is embedded or perhaps etchedin every niche of popular culture.

I love to masturbate. Who doesnt? (Pope Benedict, thats who.) But for everyone else, its a cure-all. Stress, anxiety, depression -- masturbate! I can masturbate in a myriad of ways, even while juggling chainsaws. I prefer a lubricant, preferably K-Y, but Jergens is fine. In a pinch, Ill use Aquafresh or even dry rub. But for a dry rub, I prefer the two fingers at the bottom of the shaft. A wholehand dry rub makes for too much chafing and reminds me of my junior prom night. Then, while surfing the Internet for porn, I discovered male masturbation aids. Really. These exist. The king of this industry is the Fleshlight. This thing looks like a Mag, but its really a vag. Instead of a bulb and lens at the end, it offers a sexual orifice. One can choose vagina, mouth or anus. I own a vagina Fleshlight, because Im a traditionalist--but I have to admit if they ever make a Jenny McCarthy navel Fleshlight, Im whipping it out--my wallet, that is. The back story goes something like this: Man craves sex. Mans wife cant have sex temporarily, then ultimately leaves him for the UPS guy. Man tires of his right hand, then tires of his left hand, and soon figures that its nearly impossible to yank ones chain with his feet. Man invents Fleshlight in his garage. Man gets patent, which was for -- no joke -- device for discreet semen collection. The rest is lucrative male sex aid history. Lets face it, without this aid you end up filling the belly ice tray every night

and your favorite shirt is ruined from crusty stains that are so bad that you try to convince your friends and family you are the worlds messiest eater. Before they put you on a feeding tube, consider the alternative: Vaginal Simulacrum in a Pringles can. You can purchase a Fleshlight from many places, ranging from adult websites to Amazon.com. (Do not buy those Fleshlight knockoffs down at the Dollar Store. You get what you pay for; the mold was fashioned after an ugly downtown Cleveland cleaning lady.) I purchased my Fleshlight on Amazon because, well, I didnt like the idea of a package arriving at my doorstep with the return label reading, bristolpalinvagmold. com. Again, as I said, Im a traditionalist. So I bought a pink-flesh pussy Fleshlight. On Amazon, it was $44. But if youre a man of variety, you have many Fleshlight options, including Fleshlights designed to copy porn star assets. (Ever want to stick your dick in Jenna Hazes asset? Fleshlight is your man--I mean, discreet semen-collecting lady of the night.) The day my Fleshlight arrived, I opened the box to discover a nicely decorated metal cylinder, like something a fancy-schmancy fruity Vodka might be sold in. I didnt even bother to read the directions. Fucking comes innately, if you know what I mean. I popped in the batteries and some classic porn: Peter

North slams Nina Hartley. Several hours later, when I had advanced to Big Hand, Red Butt Bulgaria, Volume XIX, I found myself still sweatily banging the hell out of a black flashlight with a twat for a tip. Youre all dying to know. What does it feel like? One word: FUCKING FUN. (Okay, maybe thats two words.) For fellow Fleshlight users, youll know what I mean when I say closing the bottom cap provides a sucking sensation, meant to mimic being inside a woman. Ill be honest: Fleshlight isnt a pussy replacement by any means. In fact, when I was lying on my back, the Fleshlight fake skin material began falling out toward my dick (like a roast beef curtain call), as if I were fucking some senior citizen whose octogenarian pussy hangs at her knees. The other user problem is a tube in the middle of the Fleshlight skin, toward the bottom, which I imagine is intended to give the device some internal stability-or perhaps is meant to replicate an absentminded girlfriend who accidentally left her tampon in her twat before succumbing to coitus. Its uncomfortable after the seventh straight hour of use. Anyway, its definitely another Dicks Up favorable review. Sorry to cut it short, but I gotta go. My 15-minute break is up, and I hear Nikki acallin. Thats right; I named her after you know who! talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

Friday December 3 New Brookland Tavern Valley Maker (Austin Crane) The Internet American Gun The Restoration Calculator Utopia Stillhouse Saturday December 4 Art Bar Hot Lava Monster, Capital City Playboys with the US Army Band Horns, The Shaniqua Brown New Brookland Tavern 5pmTwas the Night Before Christmas Tour Featuring Relient K ( Acoustic) Sherwood Deas Vail 9pm Non Stop Hip Hop Live Presents

The SC Freestyle Battle Sunday December 5 New Brookland Tavern Windsor Drive Sing Sing 76 Valero Full Color Footage Monday December 6 New Brookland Tavern Acoustic Open Mic Tuesday December 7 New Brookland Tavern MyChildren MyBride Invoking The Abstract Ninjaloot Wednesday December 8 New Brookland Tavern Haley Dreis Pan Immundo Jeremy Plemmons

Utopia Luci Levi & The Little Zippers Thursday December 9 New Brookland Tavern Sympl & Mr. Dash Trublklef & Miles Franco McClellan Douglas Utopia Open Mic w Marv Ward Friday December 10 New Brookland Tavern Hellblinki Sextet (Columbia CD Release Show) Cooter Scooters New York Disco Villians Utopia The Blue Iguanas Saturday December 11 Art Bar Patchwork Medic, 5 Steps

Tuesday December 14 New Brookland Tavern Haste The Day (Last Tour Ever) Oh Sleeper Our Last Night Conditions Wednesday December 15 New Brookland Tavern The World We Knew We Sail At Dawn Invoking The Abstract The Terrigen Mists Shipsinker Utopia Further Room Thursday December 16 Utopia Open Mic w Betz Kirby Friday December 17 New Brookland Tavern Wretched Your Chance To Die Diavolo Diary Of The Dead

Patchwork Medic has been playing out consistently (at least once a month) for the past several months. You have to like an act committed to getting out there and building a fanbase. They have plenty of original material and an EP floating around out there as well. Their sound is a mix of Foo Fighters guitars with Morrissey-

esque vocals (and a bit of Thom Yorke warble at times). I dont know why I have English artists on the brain....ahhh, no wait I got it....the lead singer looks like Jeremy Clarksons (of Top Gear) bastard child. Its all coming together now. Go see the show. I am shutting up now.

12/04/10 :: Saturday Dank Sinatra 40 Watt Club Athens, GA Saint Francis Melting Point Athens, GA Grannys Gin The Playground Augusta, GA Jimmy Herring Jimmy Herring Band Live Wire Music Hall Savannah, GA Jo Henley Jack of the Wood Asheville, NC Cold War Kids The Cave Singers Orange Peel Asheville, NC Kilowatts The Garage at Biltmore Asheville, NC Kristin Luna Ray West Asheville Yoga Studio Asheville, NC Allstar Weekend Action Item Stephen Jerzak The Scene Aesthetic Amos Southend Charlotte, NC Simplified Black Bear Saloon Charlotte, NC december 3, 2010 Bess Rogers The

Road TRip
Evening Muse Charlotte, NC Stillwater Taproom Augusta, GA The Rock Shop Fayetteville, NC Robert Paige and the Holy City Sinners Home Team BBQ Charleston, SC Wale Savoy The Music Farm Charleston, SC Dyrty Byrds The Pour House Charleston, SC Trans-Siberian Orchestra Bi-Lo Center Greenville, SC Papadosio Gottrocks Greenville, SC Jay Nash Tony Lucca Downstairs Live North Augusta, SC Karla Davis Freedom Center Rock Hill, SC 12/10/10 :: Friday Mark Chesnutt Classic Center Athens, GA Abbey Road LIVE Melting Point Athens, GA Savoy Ben Samples New Earth Music Hall Athens, GA The Hot Seats WormsLoew Stewart and Winfield JUNKYARD ANGELS The Train Wrecks Domino Effect Sandfly Bar and Grill Savannah, GA Samuel Paradise Club Eleven Asheville, NC ZOOGMA MoDaddys Asheville, NC Drive-By Truckers Orange Peel Asheville, NC Crosstown Friends Bar and Grill Belmont, NC Trapt Abused Romance Since October Amos Southend Charlotte, NC Carolina Chocolate Drops The Low Anthem Neighborhood Theatre Charlotte, NC The Dirt Daubers Snug Harbor Charlotte, NC Incite Soulfly Straight Line Stitch The Matt MacKelcan Band Home Team BBQ Charleston, SC Ben Bridwell (Band of Horses) Holopaw The Pour House Charleston, SC Saliva Thee Southern Belle N. Charleston, SC Cartel Shontelle Spartanburg Memorial Auditorium Spartanburg, SC Sarah Lee Guthrie & Johnny Irion Sylvia Theater York, SC 12/11/10 :: Saturday The Rattlers Melting Point Athens, GA Eric Benet Fantasia Kandi Bell Auditorium Augusta, GA Holman Autry Band The Country Club Dance Hall & Saloon Augusta, GA Moira Nelligan St. Pauls Episcopal Church Savannah, GA

Warren Haynes JoJo Hermann and the Missing Cats Steve Miller Band John JoJo Hermann The Dirty Dozen Brass Band Gregg Allman Umphreys McGee Drive-By Truckers John Bell Asheville Civic Center Asheville, NC Richard Gilewitz Concerts at Bettys Place Asheville, NC Cope Mo Daddys Asheville, NC Sanctum Sully The Emerald Lounge Asheville, NC Kristin Luna Ray West Asheville Yoga Studio Asheville, NC Paul Cataldo StraightAway Cafe Black Mountain, NC Relient K Sherwood Deas Vail Amos Southend Charlotte, NC Spyro Gyra CPCC Halton Theater Charlotte, NC Flatfoot 56 Tremont Music Hall

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Deathly hallows is far from the fireworks display of the first Harry Potter Movie. True to the nature of the book, this film adaptation is dark and uncertain. Director David Yates once again delivered a solid installment after the success of the Half-Blood Prince. Part one follows Harry, Hermoine and Ron (Radcliffe, Watson and Grint) as they become the primary target of a powerful organization lead by Lord Voldemort (Fiennes). The three were tasked by the late Dumbledore to find the missing Horcruxes in order to defeat the dark lord. The problem arose when they realized that the trail of clues in finding the Horcrux leads to many dead ends and more trouble. With the Death Eaters hot on their trail and with an impossible task on their shoulders, the trios friendship is put under the ultimate test. Avid fans of the book will certainly agree that the laggy and somewhat tiresome pacing of the film is necessary in giving justice to the last novel though others disagree. I completely respect the producers decision in making Deathly Hallows a 2 part series because almost everything written in the thick seventh book is needed for the whole story to come to a full circle. Anything less would have been an insult to Rowlings genius. Even though I am very satisfied by the turnout of the plot, I still thought that it could have used a bit more buildup of fear (including the death of family members and friends, similar to how the last book was

fashioned) so that it may add more drama to whatever little action part 1 may possess. This so to avoid nay-sayers from saying part 1 can be more or less summarized by one word camping. Aside from the effects and cinematography, the lead actors performance also stepped it up a notch for this film finale. Surprisingly, Watson made an improvement in toning down her acting to make it just right for the character this time around. Also, Grint and Radcliffe both managed to deliver a convincing performance throughout the movie. This improvement is significantly evident during both the dramatic and the comic parts of the film. It showcased their range and depth as fully matured actors. Deathly Hallows Part 1 succeeds in almost every aspect (except for the sound department, I expect the next part should improve on that area). Whoever made the decision not to make this film 3D must be congratulated for his or her brilliance. Considering the fact that some fight scenes in this flick were so confusing, the audience might become dizzy and disoriented if it were shot in 3D. This movie is a perfect example on how a film can be victorious by providing only good materials and not rely much on 3D to cast the magic spell on the audience. Written by Jorella Cheska Estrada http://www.moviefilmreview.com/ author/dumbapples

Movie times listed are Columbia, SC 29210 for the weekend of November 19, please Regal Columbiana confirm with theater. Grande Stadium 14 1250 Bower Pkwy, Regal Columbia Columbia, SC 29212 Cinema 7 The Warriors Way 3400 Forest Drive new! (R) Suite 3000, Columbia, 12:15 2:40 5:00 7:20 SC 29204 9:40 Burlesque new! (PG- Tangled new! (PG) 13) 12:30 1:30 2:50 4:10 DP (Digital 5:10 6:30 7:30 8:50 Projection) 9:50 2:00 4:40 7:20 10:00 Tangled 3D new! Faster new! (R) (PG) 1:40 4:30 7:30 9:50 Love and Other 12:00 2:15 4:40 7:00 Drugs new! (R) 9:20 1:20 4:20 7:40 10:15 Harry Potter and the The Next Three Days Deathly Hallows: (PG-13) Part 1 (PG-13, No DP (Digital Passes) Projection) 12:20 12:50 2:20 1:15 4:15 7:15 10:10 3:30 4:00 5:30 6:40 Morning Glory (PG- 7:10 8:40 9:45 10:15 13) DP (Digital 1:10 4:10 7:10 9:40 Projection) Due Date (R) 1:20 4:30 7:40 1:30 4:50 7:50 10:05 The Next Three Days For Colored Girls (R) (PG-13) DP (Digital 1:10 4:05 7:05 10:10 Projection) Unstoppable (PG-13) 1:00 4:00 7:00 9:55 12:25 2:35 5:05 7:25 10:05 Carmike Wynnsong Morning Glory (PG10 13) 5320 Forest Drive, 12:00 2:30 4:55 7:35 Columbia, SC 29206 10:20 The Warriors Way Megamind (PG) new! (R) 12:40 3:00 5:20 7:45 12:15 2:40 5:05 7:30 Megamind 3D (PG) 9:55 12:10 2:25 4:50 7:15 Tangled new! (PG) 9:30 12:00 2:20 4:40 7:00 Red (PG-13) 9:30 12:05 2:45 5:15 7:50 Tangled 3D new! 10:25 (PG) Life As We Know It Digital 3D (PG-13) 12:30 1:00 3:30 4:00 9:55pm 6:30 7:00 9:00 9:30 Harry Potter and the Carmike 14 Deathly Hallows: 122 Afton Court, Part 1 (PG-13) Columbia, SC 29212 11:45am 12:45 1:15 3:00 4:00 4:30 6:10 Burlesque new! (PG7:20 8:00 9:15 13) Unstoppable (PG-13) 1:00 2:15 3:45 5:30 1:00 3:30 6:30 6:45 6:50 8:20 9:45 9:20 9:30 Faster new! (R) Megamind (PG) 1:00 2:00 3:30 4:30 1:15 3:45 6:15 7:00 8:40 9:30 Megamind 3D (PG) Love and Other Digital 3D Drugs new! (R) 12:45 3:30 6:45 9:10 1:20 2:20 4:15 5:20 7:15 8:30 9:55 AMC Dutch Square Due Date (R) 14 1:15 2:30 3:45 5:00 800 Bush River Rd., 6:20 7:30 8:50 10:00

movie times
For Colored Girls (R) 1:10 2:30 4:40 5:45 8:00 9:20 Paranormal Activity 2 (R) 1:50 4:25 7:10 9:40 Legend of the Guardians:The Owls of GaHoole 3D (PG) Digital 3D 1:30 4:05 6:35 9:10 Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (PG-13) 2:00 5:10 8:45 You Again (PG) 1:40 4:20 6:50 9:25 Regal Sandhill Stadium 16 450 Town Center Place Jackass 3D new! (R) The Warriors Way new! (R) 11:50am 2:15 4:45 7:20 9:50 Burlesque new! (PG13) 1:00 4:10 7:10 10:05 Faster new! (R) 12:20 2:25 2:55 5:20 7:25 7:55 10:20 Love and Other Drugs new! (R) 11:45am 2:20 4:55 7:35 10:15 Tangled new! (PG) 11:40am 12:40 2:05 3:05 4:30 5:30 7:00 8:00 9:30 10:30 Tangled 3D new! (PG) 12:10 2:35 5:00 7:30 10:00 Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (PG-13, No Passes) 1:15 3:30 4:30 7:45 9:55 DP (Digital Projection) 12:45 4:00 7:15 10:25 Open Captioned & Descriptive Audio 12:15 6:45 The Next Three Days (PG-13) 12:50 3:50 6:55 10:05 Unstoppable (PG-13) 12:05 2:30 5:05 7:40 10:10 Morning Glory (PG13) 11:55am 4:50 9:55

Due Date (R) 12:25 2:45 5:10 7:50 10:15 For Colored Girls (R) 12:30 3:40 6:50 9:45 Megamind 3D (PG) 12:00 2:20 4:40 7:05 9:40 Nickelodeon http://www. nickelodeon.org/ 937 Main Street MAOS LAST DANCER DECEMBER 3-9, Friday-Thursday Friday, Dec. 3 - 3:00, 5:30 and 8:00 Saturday, Dec. 4 3:00, 5:30 and 8:00 Sunday, Dec. 5 - 3:00, 5:30 and 8:00 Monday, Dec. 6 - 5:30 and 8:00 Tuesday, Dec. 7 - 5:30 and 8:00 Wednesday, Dec. 8 3:00 and 5:30 Thursday, Dec. 9 5:30 and 8:00 BUY TICKETS NOW A delegation from Madame Maos Beijing Dance Academy selects 11-year-old peasant villager Li Cunxin to study ballet in faroff Beijing, where he trains for seven grueling years to become one of Chinas greatest dancers. His efforts win him the opportunity to dance in America, opening his eyes to a new love and the possibility of a dramatic defection from China in this remarkable true story based on Cunxins autobiography. St. Andrews Cinema 5 527 St Andrews Road Columbia, SC 29210 (803) 7727469 Please call Regal Pastime Pavilion 8 929 North Lake Drive, Lexington, SC 29072
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Im a 21-year-old woman with bi-curious tendencies whos been in a committed relationship for four years. Hes sweet and kind. We share a lot of interests and get along very well. Thing is, I dont know if Im meant to be in a committed relationship. For the past year and a half, Ive been thinking about what things would be like with another man. I also frequently imagine what it might be like to sleep with another girl. In fact, whenever Im masturbating, I get more excited by lesbian scenarios than straight scenariosalthough Ive never been able to come. Ive never experienced an orgasm. But thats another can of worms. Im open to the possibility of a threesome, but my boyfriend isnt. Hes completely against the idea. From the start, Ive never hidden the fact that Ive never reached orgasm, and hes never created any macho drama about that. Ive slowly come to the realization that Im no longer sexually attracted to my boyfriend. I dont have the motivation to improve our sex life anymore. I just go through the motions. At the same time, my boyfriend remains my best friend, and Im not willing to give up my best friend over sex. I want to keep him in my life, as he is my most important source of emotional support. Have My Cake

SavageLove
Sex advice by Dan Savage

Jonesin crosswords
by Matt Jones Across 1 Nine-to-five 4 Yes, in Yokohama 7 Ovens, so to speak 12 Burn Notice channel 13 Rolling Stone co-founder Wenner 14 Newswoman Mitchell 16 Guy who knows his cake pans? 18 Seesaws, really 19 Cheers actor George attending a Massachusetts college? 21 Stop, horse! 23 Hits a bicycle horn 24 Pond fish 25 Opera singer Enrico 27 Accomplishes 30 Barrett once of Pink Floyd 31 Native 34 Physicist Mach who coined the term Mach number 35 End-of-the-day payment-fest? 37 Surround 40 With perfect timing 41 Ram noise 44 Turkish city that housed the Temple of Artemis 46 Some fish catchers 48 Gp. that provides road maps 49 Religious offshoots 52 ___ Small Candle (Roger Waters song) 53 Richard Pryor title character with a big German dot on him? 57 Nissan model 58 One-legged maneuver for those

Flat Tops--making a certain letter less...pointy.

chocolate balls? 61 Rembrandts city of birth 62 Cupids Greek counterpart 63 Skipbo relative 64 Give props to 65 Simple sandwich 66 Understand a joke Down 1 Protrude 2 Suffix for sugars 3 It gets bleeped 4 Wrench or screwdriver 5 ___ the republic for which it stands... 6 Split ___ 7 Market sign? 8 Scott Turow bestseller 9 1506, in Roman numerals 10 Get past the lock 11 Sunday deliveries 13 Page 6, on some calendars: abbr. 15 Court stat 17 Gentleman friend 20 Leaning type type 21 Lavs 22 Bale stuff 26 Tiny openings 28 Little giggle 29 Degas display, e.g. 32 Nine Inch Nails hit with the freaky video 33 Gothic novelist Radcliffe 35 Honey Nut Cheerios mascot 36 Well, there goes that option... 37 Cmon, help me out here! 38 Shoulder decoration 39 Word repeated in T.S. Eliots The

impatient, insecure, macho drama queen about the way shes capable of having orgasms now. I am a woman who is with the love of her life. I enjoy sex immensely but have begun to fake orgasms because it hurts him that he is not making me come. I believe the obstruction is psychological. I am selfconscious about my body and can only come using a vibrator while looking at pictures of women with nice boobs. I fantasize that I am both the woman in possession of these assets and the person lusting after her. I am certain of my sexual orientation: I did quite a bit of experimenting with beautiful women, but they did nothing for me. Any insights? Breasts On Other Babes Stop faking, BOOB, and start incorporating your vibrator and your fantasies into the sex youre having with the boyfriend. Your boyfriend needs to talk a boob-esteem-building blue streak while you fuckhe needs to tell you how hot your breasts are, how much they turn him onand you need to use your vibrator on yourself and fantasize aloud about the assets youve got and the assets you lust after while you two are fucking. You know what works for you, BOOB, you just have to risk sharing it with the love of your life. I am an 18-year-old straight girl. I am also a virgin. After my 18th birthday, I bought a small vibrator. I love itits completely changed masturbation and I reached orgasm for the first time. However, Im worried about developing a dependence on it. Should I hold off on using it until I get some real experience? Teen With A Tech Enjoy your vibrator, TWAT, and enjoy those orgasmsbut mix it up. Masturbate with your vibrator and without; see how worked up you can get through fantasy alone; get yourself close to the edge and finish yourself off with your hand; experiment with nonvibrating, inanimate sex toys. And when you start having sexual experiences with nonvibrating, animate sex toys (boys), dont be shy about introducing themor their genitalsto your vibrator. Dicks are just big clits, TWAT, and vibrators can work wonders on dicks, too. I am in college and in a super-fantastic relationship. We have fun together and we have great sex. However, he doesnt orgasm when I blow him or give him a handjob. He says hes never been able to come from blowjobs or handjobs. I dont mind going straight to vaginal intercourse after blowing him for a bit, although I sometimes encourage him to finish himself off and ejaculate in my mouth. Its not like Im offended; Id just like to get him there. I have a tiny mouth and tiny handscould that be the problem? He says it doesnt have anything to do with me. He just plateaus. HOW DO I SOLVE THIS PROBLEM, DAN? Is our sex life condemned to, God forbid, just vaginal intercourse? Barely Licking Over Wide Junk Of Boyfriend Whats the opposite of macho drama? Vulvo drama? Look, BLOWJOB, if youre both giving and receiving oral, and giving and receiving handjobs, then you havent been condemned to just vaginal intercourse. Youre having all kinds of sexits just that he requires something very specific in order to get off. If there are times when you want to mess around without being fucked, or times when youre not up for vaginal intercourse, just get him as close as you can and let him finish himself off with his hand. Your boyfriend is orgasmic, BLOWJOB THERES NO PROBLEM HERE TO SOLVE. mail@savagelove.net

Wasteland 41 Wraparound greeting 42 Free throw path 43 Volcano spew 45 Obviously-named American financial giant 47 Super-cool computer geek language 50 People newsmaker 51 Spin around 54 2000 Radiohead album 55 U.S. Treasury agents 56 End zone scores, briefly 59 Inseparable 60 Poker stakes 2010 Jonesin Crosswords (editor@ jonesincrosswords.com) heerios mascot 36 Well, there goes that option... 37 Cmon, help me out here! 38 Shoulder decoration 39 Word repeated in T.S. Eliots The Wasteland 41 Wraparound greeting 42 Free throw path 43 Volcano spew 45 Obviously-named American financial giant 47 Super-cool computer geek language 50 People newsmaker 51 Spin around 54 2000 Radiohead album 55 U.S. Treasury agents 56 End zone scores, briefly 59 Inseparable 60 Poker stakes

You can have your current boyfriend, HMC, at the price of a lousy and uninspired sex life with a guy who doesnt give a shit about your pleasure excuse me, a partner who hasnt created a lot of macho drama about the fact that youve never had an orgasm and isnt interested in helping you realize your fantasiesor you can find a new boyfriend and/or girlfriend and perhaps discover that orgasms are easier to come by when youre with someone who (1) turns you on, and (2) gives a shit about your pleasure, and (3) hasnt come to symbolize the death of sexual possibility. Giving up the current boyfriend means youll have to find a new emotional tamponexcuse me, a new source of emotional supportbut thats a price that you should be willing to pay, HMC, particularly at your age. And if you dont want to find yourself boyfriendless and bestfriendless ever again, HMC, in the future keep those roles separate. Im a 26-year-old heterosexual male in a relationship with a 25-year-old female. Im her first boyfriend. Shes never had an orgasm that wasnt self-induced. Ive asked her multiple times what I can do to try to get her off, but she doesnt really have anything to tell me. Theres a lot of trial and error going on. I feel like Im kind of flying blind. Help please? This Question Again If she can get herself off, TQA, then she should be able to get herself off while you assist. Let her get herself off while you watch, while you hold her, while you suck on her tits, while she sits on your face. Gradually work your way up to her getting herself off while youre inside her. Dont make the macho drama mistake of viewing the orgasms she self-induces while youre there as somehow deficient or dysfunctional. The more you can relax and enjoy the orgasms shes self-inducing nowthe more you can both relax and enjoy themthe sooner shell be able to relax, enjoy, and, perhaps, transition to orgasms induced by someone else/someone elses dick. If you want that someone else/someone elses dick to be you/yours, TQA, then dont be an

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