RASPUTIN EDITION

The Underground
HIGH WYCOMBES ONLY HIP AND EDGY NEWSPAPER Hello, scum! (Do you mind if I call you scum? If youre reading this, its probably accurate.) Welcome to the Rasputin Edition of this magazine, so named because it just wont die. Youve probably noticed this zine has now got some real swag. Maybe the redesign was like putting lipstick on a pig, but you have to admit,

ISSUE NO. ALEPH ONE

The medfactory: is there camaraderie between us?

DISCLAIMER: None of this applies to American pre-meds. They dont know shit. At the age of 11, I became a medfag. I couldnt write that on my personal statement, but its true. I wrote the generic bullshit telling everyone what a great doctor Id make: so amazing I wouldnt even need to go to their goddamn medschool. Anyway, back to the original question. When applying to medical school, your circle of friends tends to change. You see, you go on all these darn medfaga-thons where you sit down and try to outdo each other by spouting crap like uh...5 A-Levels, or when I did my work experience in Ghana or my dad owns a hospital, and he says that.... At events like these, your make lifelong friends. By lifelong friend, I mean follow them on Twitter and occasionally discuss your medschool interview. But because were going through the same turmoil, the same emotional rollercoaster, it feels like we have a connection. We support each other as we ght for that place at medschool. At the same time, you can call bullshit on this claim. Many a time I have found myself ghting tooth and claw with my competitors. Hell, Ive hated some of my rivals as they tried to prove they were better than me. Thats the thing with medics, theyre addicted to being better than others. Too bad Im better than all of them, eh? - Dr.Man-Eater.

Why you wanted to read this is still beyond me...

this zine is approaching sellout levels of gorgeousness, mostly because I now use a Mac. However, I assure you the content remains just as raw and ugly as before. It may be rubbish, but at least its alternative rubbish. - your editor[sic]

Jokes to Reduce Your Misery

Why do NASA not charge extra to take kittens into space?It would be a catastrophe. Why could a very long and slightly squashed circle bring about the end of the internet?It could be an e-pocalypse. - BaaBaa O'Really. Why did the cancer patient cross the road? To get to the outpatient clinics to get chemo administered. - Dr Man-Eater. Someone asks a new Russian, If you had $1,000,000, what would you do?Pay off my debts., he replies. What about the rest?Ill have to wait until I get some more money. - your editor[sic]

Limericks about sheep

It is most unusual, said Shaun, For a sheep to feel so forlorn, Often we just graze, Passing the days, I wish I had never been born. I wish I was not a sheep, Sometimes it just makes me weep, I wanted to live my life unbeaten, But I only live to be eaten,

As Thom Yorke told me, Im a creep. I tried to make myself better, But still I will end up as a sweater, These wounds shall never be healed, For I am forever trapped in this eld, Getting chased by an Irish Setter. -BaaBaa O'Really (yeah, I didnt really know what to think)

Things that really churn my butter, grind my gears and agitate me more than I would like
Previously on the Underground (please excuse how much that sounds like the opening of a sit-com) I had a column entitled Shanis Obsessions. This was essentially an excuse for me to gush about all of my unrequited loves. However as I now have a monthly blog for that (Yes, I am going to blatantly advertise, so what?) I have decided to produce some new material for the Underground. This column shall instead be entitled Things that really churn my butter, grind my gears and agitate me more than I would like. Is that title too long? Perhaps I shall instead call it, Rant of the week. So, what shall I rant about? Many things have been angering me. For example, Rafael Nadal is not going to win any tennis when all he does is go out partying in Miami have fun in Aquariums. Tennis Players should be training not playing with crustaceans! But, for your information the videos of him at the Aquarium are entertaining and worth watching. Another thing to rant about, my three year old nephew was very rude to me on the phone. I rang him as it was his birthday and I feel that it is custom for family to ring

THE RAKHEE D SQUARE

ITS HIP TO BE SQUARE WITH RAKHEE D IS BAAAAACK! OK guys, Ive decided to do book reviews. Well, kind of, since I read a lot of books, but usually cant be bothered to review them (This is why Mrs Kirk and I were not friends). So this can be more of a persuasive piece with more detail than OMG ITS REALLY REALLY AWESOME READ IT!!!!!!!!!!!!1111 So, the rst book Im going to talk about it is The Hunger Games, by Suzanne Collins, as its just been turned into a lm which looks very good. This is totally awesome in a depressing, apocalyptic kind of way, as it is basically a bloodbath where loads of teenagers have to try to kill each other, in a nutshell. (Sorry, perhaps I should have mentioned spoiler alert on this?) The main character is called Katniss (haha I know, Im going to be honest, I laughed too), and she lives in this really poor place and doesnt have enough to eat, yet somehow shes also amazing at hunting using a bow and arrows (perhaps I shouldnt nitpick at the ne details, well end up here all day). She has a little sister called Prim (Did Suzanne get her names from a celebrity guide to naming children?!) who gets chosen for the games that the evil government hold, and obviously Katniss steps in. (Saji, if youre reading this, I totally think you could be Katniss) There is also apparently a love triangle, which doesnt really work, as one of the love interests is not there after the rst chapter. And anyway, Im discrediting Gale, because I denitely have a crush on Peeta, the boy who is also chosen to participate in the games. Hes really adorable and cute and the whole book is basically Katniss, who seems to be a little paranoid, wondering whether he can really be that nice to her. She really has trust issues. I could mention some of the other characters, but they all die pretty quickly, so there isnt much point. Overall, I feel that The Hunger Games was awesome on the scale below Shanis hugs, potatoes, and doing Zumba freestyling with Mrs Green, but much higher than blueberry mufns, Friday p.5, and Hamus Sheaney.

Facebook. Every few hours this creep their loved ones on special occasions. I sends me a friend request and then I was met with the response Sorry, Im retaliate by declining it before he busy building. Since when has playing with building blocks been more important than conversing with the worlds coolest aunty? I have so many redeeming qualities, and any sends me another, it is a vicious cycle. When hes not sending me requests he is sending me messages such as Hey, you look really cute. Presumably he

time I checked my timeline was completely private. Why does this person with whom I share no mutual friends keep messaging me? I have no idea who he is or why he has a fetish for My Little Pony toys. This whole internet thing is encouraging stalking, and not the cute kind of stalking that involves me nding out where members of boybands live, but the gross king of stalking that gets people cautioned by the police. I know that I should block him or something but the

has based this opinion on my three year old would be lucky to speak Facebook pictures of which none of to me. them are attractive, particularly the one when I am pretending to eat some The main focus of my rant will be the creep who is currently stalking me on kids My Little Pony toy. Also, how has he gained access to my photos, last

interne and I are not always compatible therefore it might take me a few weeks to learn how to do that. Surely Zuckerberg should be monitoring Facebook for creepy perverts with fetishes for childrens toys. Help me, Mark. I am in grave danger! What is your purpose if not, to aid the users of your social networking site? Anyway, now that I gave gotten that off my chest, feel free to get on with your livesand perhaps watch videos of Rafael Nadal having fun at the Aquarium. - Shani, more fun at shaniobsessions.blogspot.com

Letters to the editor and other people who are tangentially connected with this zine or at whom we want to be angry
Dear Underground, This is an angry letter complaining about this bullshit new pasta in the school canteen. As you may know, Pasta King was probably the best thing in the canteen. THE BEST THING. It was sometimes kind of lukewarm, and occasionally the pasta was overdone, and the cheese was completely plastic, but even so. It was so great and I ate it almost every day. Anyway, life was good until Gino D'Acampo came along to ruin my school life. I dont actually know anything about this celebrity chef, but the fact that he wants has face plastered all over our pasta pots is pretty smug-douche-y. Of course everyone is like, IN LOVE with this guy, God forbid you insult his disgustingfuckingpasta. Basically, the new pasta is all gross and slimy, and also the sauces are really sparse and avourless too. Its the blandest pasta ever. A more minor complaint that is also worth mentioning is the fact that the cardboard box (with his smug face on it and a link to his website and a dumb blurb about cooking in Italy UGGH) is too thin, so you cant really carry it around without your hands burning a bit. And it isnt that practical for eating out of. I had high hopes for the all new pasta range, but these hopes and dreams have been shattered. The new pasta is a gross load of wankand my remaining weeks at school are totally RUINED. - Anonymous

Logical Buffoonery
Being a complete and utter moron I often do rather stupid things. Some of you may remember a conversation with a certain physics teacher, throughout which, my head was adorned with a pair of Mickey Mouse knickers, Others may remember tales of doorframe induced concussion...all these would seemingly give evidence to suggest my moronity. However, a large number of mad people I call friends imply that I have greater than average intelligence, despite showing such moronic behaviour. This leads me to question, that perhaps the behaviour I class as moronic is, in fact, a show of superior intelligence. From this I must therefore assume that the beings I believe to show high moronic tendencies are actually smarter than the people I hang out with, therefore, I am shunning intelligence! From this it is safe to assume that those people we oh so disparagingly refer to as chavs, are in fact, the crme de la crme of the intelligent sector of humanity. So to improve this god-forsaken planet we should act like chavs...wait...scratch that, if THAT is intelligence Id rather be the epitome of moronity. - A large buffoon (In defense of the classist nature of this article, the author replied even the poor hate the sodding poor.)

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

I thought the table was being ironic

-Super Hans
(maybe thought was too grandiose a term for this quote....)

Wow, your life sounds tough. I really care and Id love to help. - The editor. Flesh is red,/ Tumblr is blue,/ Anons are wonderful,/ Kindly, fuck you. - Anonymous Red is red/ blue is blue/ tautologies are tautologies/ and fuck you too. - The editor.