Dear Hannah: DIVORCED, ALONE, and RAISING a STRANGER!!

By jeff jannsen

Chapter 1
8

We loved you so much that we shared with you not only Gods Good News but our very lives as well. - 1 Thessalonians 2:8

Turrets or a learning disability?

Dear Hannah
Hannah Grace Jannsen is the product of a horrible divorce, an absentee father, a witness to an attempted homicide by a crazed neighbor, and a mother who is extremely legalistic and religious. I honestly cannot tell you which of the above bruised her perfect heart more, but her actions and words today are very directed toward a mother who doesnt trust her and forces her to go to church. Please dont get me wrong, I love Jesus, the Jesus of the bible, Matthew John. Hannah does as well, but she is being religiously suffocated by her Mom. Hannah has become proficient at the four letter words in our English language, while completely ignoring the important words that are included in things like her HOMEWORK! If you met Hannah on the street the first thing you would notice is how pretty she is, but after engaging her in a conversation , a limited vocabulary would soon mysteriously appear.

Hannah Grace, I miss you and you are on my mind. You should be so proud of me for staying off of Facebook as much as I do because even though I know it bugs you that I am even EVER on there, I want to be talking to you always! I have to find a church, this church boycott I joined you on is really draining my heart. I think I am going back to FaithBridge, I really like that church. I miss you, did I mention that already??!! Your sister had her tubes put in today and I was so scared, but I had to be at work with my boss and couldnt be with you guys at the hospital. I wanted her to see my face when she woke up so please show this to her when you get it. I am not a financially rich guy by any means, but I am so glad I can afford to give and your sister a great and comfortable life, it would break my heart if I couldnt. I see families that are walking along with all of their possessions with them at the time and they are still happy!! How amazing is that? I only hope I would be that grateful and at the same time hope that I will never have to find out if I would be. If only by the Grace of God go I! We could make it, right? God gives some people the strength to face those things better than others I imagine. Sorry for the bummer letter, but I promised myself when I started this letter church with my Best Friend that I would share my whole heart with her no matter what. Can you imagine how much I am crying right now?? Though you are the person I have loved first, (you and sister are the only true loves of my life) I still have to be your father, so please dont poke me! Have mercy upon me oh God, according to your unfailing Love! - The King of Israel, David

Love you Crazy, Dad

Chapter 2
Trust, but verify! - Ronald Wilson Reagan Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight O Lord my strength and my redeemer Psalm 19:14

TRUST

Dear Hannah,
Dear Hannah was conceived by the holy spirit of my Lord and Savior Jesus! My daughter, 15, spends roughly 5% of her time with me because of a very hurtful divorce. A divorce that nearly cost me my life because of my self destructive behavior brought on by a selfish reaction to being separated from my daughters. I went from putting Emma, (10 now), to bed every night because she wouldnt let anyone but HER Daddy read her stories and wait until her eyes closed for the night. I wanted to die when the courts awarded me every other weekend. That was 2005, and now after 7 years of adjusting to being a part-time Dad, I am still raising STRANGERS! When I lived with them, it was easy, they were easy, polite, well behaved little Christian girls. Unfortunately, the first few years with their mother, alone, Hannah broke out in anger and decided to be a tough, foul-mouthed, rule breaker. Of course even though I wasnt living there for the majority of the time, I was blamed for how Hannah was out of control. Hannah, my perfect little Christian girl did not want to go to church, at all! I asked why and she said that her Mom forced her to go to church, and actually locked her in her room when she refused to go. Hannah also fought church because of the hypocritical people that were in her Sunday School class. Hannah has the most beautiful heart of any human being I have ever met. As a salesperson in the working world, personally written and mailed thank you notes to my clients to add a personal touch, was a difference maker in my sales numbers because the client appreciated the extra touch and made them feel important. Well, it turns out, so did my beautiful daughter!

3-10-2011 Hi honey! Friday night, Im not with you guys this weekend. Thank God I see you tomorrow at Emmas Soccer game. Sometimes I think my missing you and Emma will kill me literally because my heart will just snap in 2. I love you both so much. Theres really nothing significant today regarding our relationship besides me saying no to you yesterday about going to the track meet alone with Remi. Youll never understand until youre older, but it just wasnt safe and worth the risk. I love you so much babe and today I was thinking about Amanda for some reason; I think July 13 was mentioned on an unrelated topic by a non-family member, but oh well. It got me thinking, you are 10 years younger than she would be, she was 87, you were, of course 97. I really think you guys would have clicked, because even though she only breathed air for 12 hours, she grabbed my finger to make sure I remembered it for a lifetime! Well, I have. While her life slips away, she pulls a Hannah and makes sure IM ok. Wow! I miss her more times than others, but I like that you are willing to share this with me, it really helps thank you. Back to the track meet. I am sorry I told you no, but I hope you understand, and remember, I say yes to you most of the time and give you a lot of freedom because I trust you, trust that you have earned. Remember also I dont make or even ask you to go to church, but we use these letters as our church, however I hope that you will feed your faith and fan the flame of Christ in your heart however you see fit. Dont ever let it go out baby, please. I am so honored to be your Dad!
I love you crazy! Daddi

Dear Hannah,

Dear Hannah, I was wrong to criticize your relationship with Cecily, Im sorry. You can hang with anyone you want, but regardless you ARE a Christian. You gave your life to Christ and there are no takebacks!!! I know how you hate other Christians and I GET that, I have had the same problems with pious, Pharisee-type, people. Use me then as your example of REAL Christianity, lifestyle Christianity. I can tell a joke, take a joke, and cuss with the best, but at the end of the day, my thirst for Christ is never diminished, in fact it grows each day as I grow closer to him (figuratively and literally)! We are the bride of Christ the bible says and how honored I am to be part of that eventual union with my eternal Father. Jesus is referred to as the bridegroom often in Pauls letters, but also in the gospels and old testament, look it up, YO! Anyway, babe, I will always be here for you as long as I can still fog a mirror. When everyone else fades or their lives go in different directions, I will be here loving you with a love I could have only learned from receiving. Gods unconditional love separates Christianity from every other religion that focuses on works or accomplishments or missions (Mormons), Jesus was the only Son of God / Son of Man and he introduced GRACE! Coincidence, maybe? I am rambling now. Hannah, you mean the world to me and if Cecily is your friend, then shes ok with me, you have, now and always will have, my trust. With trust comes responsibility. Two roads diverged in a wood, and I I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

I love you crazy, Dad

Chapter 3
"This is my Son, marked by my love, the focus of my delight. Listen to him."
-Matthew 17:5 (The Message Bible)

The Focus of my delight!

Dear Hannah,
Because of our new relationship, Hannah spent only about 5% of her total time/life with me. She is a tremendous athlete however, and I was able to spend all of HER field time with her because there were no court restrictions to deal with. One side note; if you decide to get divorced in Harris County, Texas, be the MOM and file first! Harris County is so slanted toward the female litigants in Divorce and custody cases, the Mom could be a crack addict, and actually come to court with the pipe in her mouth and the judge would find in her favor! I decided I would write letters to Hannah. Not e-mails, not likes, or messages on FaceBook, but real US mail letters. Hannah was at a point where I had to try everything or anything to reach her. She will shut anyone out that doesnt respect her right to NOT LISTEN, and she will tell you ! So I decided I would write her a letter a week for a year. I began painstakingly writing my thoughts and fears to my 14 year old, best friend. I called Hannah each week after writing my letter to make sure SHE received it. She got all of them for 52 weeks; some hand-written, some typed on a computer, but all from my heart and through the US mail. As you can see as you read the letters included in this book, I have a deep faith in Jesus Christ and I thirst for him as I anticipate his return! Although Hannah does share my faith, she doesnt share my desire to fellowship and worship with other Christians! (hypocrites or not) So I told her I would never MAKE her go to church, but could I write her letters instead, each week, as a substitute for church. She agreed to this because ANYTHING was better than actual church. Since I think about Hannah and her sister, Emma, constantly anyway, writing down my thoughts came easy to me.

Hannah. Hey. Hey. Hey! I miss you..constantly. I am working tonight, as usual, and I am watching a movie called Reality Bites. Well, the movie BITES! Its from the 80s and a bunch of now my age actors. Anyway, what made me think of you was everyone in this movie plays a classic VICTIM. You know, the world sucks for me, everything is terrible. While people in Africa or Serbia or wherever, go to sleep hungry or with no roof over their heads nearly freezing to death or they were born with only one arm or with Cerebral Palsy. Now finally, YOU! You never play the victim, you are always Hannah freakin Jannsen. You lead with such grace and confidence while always being beautiful without everyone having to know. Youre 14 and you carry yourself with so much more maturity in so many ways. Dont go growing away from me too quickly though!! Again, the way I described you above is very much like someone that I highly respect and love from 2000 years ago. You see, he never played the victim either, and I think its safe to say if anyone had an excuse to play the victim, it was the Lamb of God. Thank you for being you, completely you, as you are now, in every way! My prayer is that people will begin to fully appreciate you the way I have been able to, because they are MISSING OUT! You make me a better person, and bring me closer to my God! Thank you sweetie. I love you Crazy, Dad

Hannah Grace, I am writing this the night you told me about being grounded by your Mom. 2 weeks for not going to church. I dont even think Jesus would MAKE you worship him, I think hes fine with you. In fact, I would venture to say he is very proud of you, as am I. Hannah, as you have heard Jesus encountered a rich young man during his time on earth that is recorded in the new testament. This young man told Jesus he was keeping all of the commandments, but what else did he need to truly follow Jesus. Jesus told him to sell everything he had and give the money to the poor and follow him! The bible said the man went away very sad because he was very wealthy. The point is Jesus gave the man a choice; he doesnt force us to worship him. We as Christians must follow that same example. Even if I force you to go to church, I cant force you to love church, God, other people, or anything. No one can control the human heart except its host. Honey, the choice is ultimately up to you, whether Mom knows it or not. Ghandi once said, I love this Jesus of yours, but his followers leave me wanting. Dont penalize the Jesus of the bible, my first love, because of a Christian that is flawed and dependent on that very Jesus for forgiveness, ok? I love you baby, and I am praying for your physical pain to subside as well as your heart not to harden. Dont blame Jesus because of the people that follow him. Happy Birthday sweetie, and WOW, 14 years, 13 since you crawled out of a crib in Broken Arrow and slapped me on the chest and TOLD me to get up, it was time!! Thanks again for the adventure and letting me come along for the ride! I love you crazy!! Daddy

Chapter 4

One way communication?!

Dear Hannah, There were times during this writing journey that I longed for a written response, carrier pigeon, smoke signal, or an act of God. Hannahs response was never part of the agreement. Nor was a promise that she would even read them. This was a brutal year because I was missing church when the girls were with me, and that was crippling emotionally.

4-1-11 As I write this I am tempted to add, Fade In as you do when starting a scene in a play or screenplay, but my thoughts about what I am writing feel so drama laden that it has a surreal, play-like feel to it. So,fade in to a dreamy cloudy 14 year old Hannah in the rain, alone, in a dress; which is strange anyway, but in a dress. She is crying and looks soaked so she has been in this rain standing awhile. I think I heard someone at the door. Instantly my mind is shaken from Hannah at the park crying, in a dress, in the rain, which is not normal anyway. The sound is movement outside, but not related to myself or my dog Daizy. When I return to write the image is shattered when I am texted by said 14 year old asking if I can take her and her friends to the movies.

Chapter 5
Text Messages from Hannah 8-25-11

Oh by the way, I love you, and this is Hannah LMAO, that was Remi, but I do love you!

Dear Hannah,

4-18-2011

Do you know him? All earthly issues aside, do you know him? Not are you a Christian, do you know him? Would you recognize him if you saw him and he didnt look like a sober Ozzie Ozbourne?? Would you know him by his heart? I would because despite my obvious sin, I will always recognize the LOVE of my eternal love, Jesus. I will just know because of how he has personally loved me, hands on. I pray that this is the same type of relationship you enjoy with him because thankfully, he is going to return. Hannah babe, the fact that he would take notice of Jeff Jannsen on a planet of billions, amazes and humbles me. I went to Northside Christian the other day when you were at your Moms for the weekend. When they brought the communion elements by I accidently grabbed a cup that had been used and before looking at it I tried to drink out of it. There were a few drops left which at first grossed me out a great deal!! As I thought of the significance of the moment and tried not to laugh out loud (LOL), I realized the grape juice if only a few drops, represents the blood of the lamb, my first love, Jesus. In the same thought I realized that only a few drops or even a single drop was good enough to save me for eternity by paying for my sins. Wow, isnt God amazing when no matter how much you hear or talk about him, it always feels like new information. Is there anything else in life like this? There isnt. I thirst and long for him all of the time, I hope you feel the same way; I will be praying that you do. Do you know him? I love you crazy, Dad

Chapter 6
Choose for yourselves, this day whom you will serve, but as for my and my household, we will serve
the Lord! Joshua 24:15

The Payoff!

In Closing
undeterred, went right ahead and gave his charge: "God authorized and commanded me to commission you: Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I'll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the age. -Matthew 28:18-20
18 -20Jesus,

I am only sure of one thing after experiencing, Dear Hannah. I am forever changed, and a better person because of these letters that I WROTE. My heart is at brink of bursting as I reflect on her notes to me and to God himself. Although my letters dont show up EVERY week anymore, Hannah and I are so much closer and she is back in church and excelling at life as she starts again to grow in her love for the LION OF JUDAH. The great Brennan Manning described my jealous God this way;
I will not leave you alone. You are mine. I know each of my sheep by name. You belong to me. If you think I am finished with you, If you think I am a small god that you can keep at a distance. I will pounce upon you like a roaring lion, tear you To pieces, rip you to shreds, and break every Bone in your body. Then I will mend you, cradle you in my arms, and kiss you tenderly.

Dear Hannah,
This book is a collection of letters written by me to my 14 year old daughter, as a way for us to worship together without her having to go to church. If you are a single father, raising a daughter, I promise either the content of these letters, or just the concept of sharing your feelings with your daughter in a format that she cant really reject. Keep it short, complimentary, and non-confrontational, and you can reach an unreachable child! Whether you are a Christian or not, love should be the main subject of the letters written. Even though this was done every week for a year, these are the letters that touched me as I wrote this. If you have a daughter that you feel you cant reach, then WRITE, WRITE, WRITE! If you would like to reach out and discuss methods to reach YOUR daughter through the written word, I can be reached at servingprocess@hotmail.com - jeff jannsen