IMPROVING LISTENING SKILLS

WHAT ARE THREE TYPES OF EFFECTIVE LISTENING ? PARAPHRASING

To paraphrase, one simply rewords what another individual has said. For example, the speaker might say, "She was foolish to quit her job." The listener might respond, "I hear you saying that you believe she shouldn't have quit." What has occurred is paraphrasing where the listener has clarified what the speaker has said.

OPEN QUESTIONS
An open question explores a person's statement without requiring a simple "yes" or "no" answer. The basic difference between an open question and a closed question is what they provide the person being asked. When you are asked an open question it helps you think more about an issue. A closed question will not do that. It may force you to answer before you are ready, or require a "yes" or "no" answer that doesn't allow more thinking about the issue. Closed questions close the door on further thought, while open questions open the door. For example, the speaker might say, "I don't like my job." The listener might respond, "What about your job don't you like?" or, "Tell me more about your feelings regarding your job."

FEELING REFLECTION
Feeling reflection is a response in which you express a feeling or emotion you have experienced in reference to a particular statement. For example, the speaker might say, "I get sick of working so much overtime!" The listener might respond, "I hear you feeling angry and resentful at being asked to work so much overtime." Feeling reflections are perhaps the most difficult active listening responses to make. Not only do you actively listen to what is being said but also you actively listen for what is being felt. When you make a feeling reflection, you are reflecting back what you hear of another's feelings. It is similar to paraphrasing; however, you repeat what you heard them feeling instead of what you heard them saying. To understand what individuals are feeling, you must listen to their words, to their tone of voice, and watch their body signals. By observing all three you can begin to guess their feelings. Listen carefully so that you will be able to understand, comprehend and evaluate. Careful listening will require a conscious effort on your part. You must be aware of the verbal and nonverbal messages (reading between the lines). Be mentally and physically prepared to listen. Put other thoughts out of your mind. Your attention will be diverted from listening if you try to think of answers in advance. You can't hear if you do all the talking. Think about the topic in advance, if possible. Be prepared to listen. Listen with empathy. See the situation from the other's point of view. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Be courteous; don't interrupt. Take notes if you worry about forgetting a particular point. Avoid stereotyping individuals by making assumptions about how you expect them to act. This will bias your listening. Listen to how something is said. Be alert for what is left unsaid.

Make certain everyone involved gets an opportunity to voice their opinions. Don't let one person dominate the conversation. Face those you are talking with, lean slightly forward and make eye contact. Use your body to show your interest and concern.

ROADBLOCKS TO E FFECTIVE LISTENING

The following types of responses that indicate ineffective listening: * Warning * interrogating * preaching * ordering * judging * diverting * analyzing * blaming * labeling * moralizing * probing * ridiculing * threatening * reassuring * distracting * sympathizing * demanding * interpreting * teaching * withdrawing * giving solutions * scolding * praising * advising * criticizing * directing * lecturing * name-calling

REASONS TO IMPROVE LISTENING SKILLS

* To avoid saying the wrong thing, being tactless * To dissipate strong feelings * To learn to accept feelings (yours and others) * To generate a feeling of caring * To help people start listening to you * To increase the other person's confidence in you * To make the other person feel important and recognized * To be sure you both are on the same wavelength * To be sure you both are focused on the same topic * To check that you are both are on target with one another QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF IN CONVERSATIONS * What am I doing in this interaction? * What are my strategies or goals in communicating this message? * Where do I want to go in this conversation? * What is my body feeling right now in this conversation? * What pressures am I feeling in talking with this person? * What could I say differently? * How could I say that so as to show I understood? * What am I feeling at this time? * What impulses do I have? * What is my decision--making process in this conversation? * How is she feeling toward me? * What do I want or not want him to feel? * What risks am I experiencing in this conversation? * How is her appearance affecting me? * What fantasy is going on in my head in this dialogue?

* What cues of the other am I responding to? * How does his behavior affect my approach in this discussion? * How genuine am I feeling at this time? * How does what I say reflect genuineness to her? * How could I have made what I just said more empathetic? How did I demonstrate respect for the other? * How is my level of communication and vocabulary affecting the dialogue? * What different style of communication could I use to reach her better? * How attentive am I to him at this time? * How do I feel about her response? * How comfortable am I feeling at this time? * How are my values affecting what I am hearing at this time? * What is the level of my trust at this time? * How did that question further the discussion and show I was listening? * How mutually helpful is this conversation at this time? * How honest are my statements with her? * How comfortable am I in honestly labeling what I see going on with him? * What can I do to improve the feedback I am giving the other? * How well am I tuning into her feelings? * What responses can I use to demonstrate that I am "with" the other?

FEELINGS FOR WHICH Y OU CAN BE LISTENING

Use these lists of words to help you as you listen for the feelings of others in your conversations. Try to identify the other person's feeling, and then reflect them back to the speaker. Positive feelings include love, affection, concern, interest, elation and joy. Negative feelings include depression, sadness, distress, fear, anger and anxiety.

PRACTICE LISTENING FOR FEELINGS

Give a paraphrase, an open question or a feeling-reflection listening response for each of the following statements. First identify the feelings, and then give your response. Compare your answers with a friend's. Discuss the feelings identification and appropriateness of your responses. "I am overwhelmed with work and can't get to your project yet." "No one ever appreciates me around here!" "I am lost. I'll never get this job done. Can you help me with this?" "When I was younger I never knew what to expect in my house. One day Dad would be happy and carefree, and the next day he might be angry and hateful." "I always work hard to achieve the goals of my group. I can't believe everyone else doesn't feel that way." "I am so upset. I hate bringing the baby to the mall. Everyone stares at him. I get so embarrassed, I could cry!" "Why doesn't anyone understand how I feel? I try my hardest but it never seems to matter. They still argue and fight all the time." "I would rather die than let anyone know how I feel about it." "No one but me is responsible for what happens to me. Butt out of my business and I'll butt out of yours." "Why did this have to happen to me? What did I do wrong? Why has God chosen me for this?"

"Why doesn't anyone ever hear me? I am so anxious for them to give me a chance but they all seem busy and preoccupied. I don't think they really care about me anymore." "You are all a bunch of phonies. I can't stand your cold-hearted, pompous ideas of right and wrong. I'd rather be anywhere else than with you tonight!" "I get so embarrassed in that group. Everyone seems so together and with it. I'm afraid they would never accept me for who I am and the way I feel." "I get so uptight coming to this group every week. I am sure that someday my turn will come and I'll be so clammed up I'll never be able to say a word." "I am so afraid of letting my feelings out. If I ever let them out, I may never stop. I might go over the edge." "My dad and mom are so busy taking care of my little brother that I'm afraid to tell them about my problems. They seem insignificant compared to his problems." "Nobody really cares if we win or lose. They goof around and take nothing serious." "I am so untalented, ignorant and ugly that no one could possibly love me." "I wish that I had never been born. If I hadn't been born, maybe my family wouldn't have had such problems. Maybe Mom and Dad would have been happy and not divorced." "I want to thank you for making this the best day of my life. You are all so special and wonderful. I love you all."

LISTENING ROLE-PLAY ACTIVITY

You and a friend can practice effective listening on one another. Practice with these suggested topics. Step 1 One partner takes a turn as speaker, the other as listener. For 5 minutes the speaker elaborates on one of the ten topics. The listener uses effective listening and makes appropriate responses back to the speaker. Step 2 After the 5-minute role play is completed, the speaker spends two minutes giving feedback to the listening partner on the effective listener skills used. Review Section II to help you give appropriate feedback. Step 3 After the first practice and feedback session, switch roles until all topics have been covered. Practice Listening Topics: How I feel about: * My life today. * Being raised in my family of origin. * All the good things that have happened to me. * My future. * My decision to participate in a support group. * My current personal problems. * Learning to deal with my problems. * Listening to other people's deepest concerns and feelings. * Showing love to those closest to me. * The fact that I influence my life, regardless of the events, with either positive or negative outcomes.

EFFECTIVE LISTENING & COMMUNICATION

From the time we rise in the morning until the time we go to bed at night we are in constant communication with the people around us. Simple greetings in the coffee shop, presentations at work and hugs given to family members are all examples of communication. To be an effective listener you must also understand how to communicate effectively.

COMMUNICATION STYLES
Understanding the way in which you communicate will help you become a more effective listener. There are four communication styles: assertive, aggressive, passive and passive-aggressive. As an assertive communicator, expressing yourself with confidence and without manipulation, you respect the rights of others and are likely to listen for ways in which you can solve problems. As an aggressive communicator, inducing guilt and using control tactics, you are likely to perceive the words of others as attacking and be on the defense. As a passive communicator you are less likely to listen for understanding or care about the conversation. A passive-aggressive style avoids verbal confrontation but seeks revenge through exploitation

RESPONSE MATCHING
Listen and look for indicators of passion, sorrow, excitement or fear and respond accordingly. For example, if your friend is excited about her new promotion at work, give an upbeat response with a smile instead of looking somber.

CLARIFICATION
Effective listening requires listening for meaning and asking for clarification when necessary. You can gain clarification through paraphrasing--putting into your own words what you thought was said and repeating your interpretation to the speaker. You may be able to include nonverbal cues and say something like, "I see that you are upset because you feel like your boss does not recognize your strengths." When asking questions be sure that your tone is neutral and let the speaker know that you are trying to gain more understanding. For example, asking, "What qualifications do you possess that make you the best candidate for the job?" is better than asking, "How can you even be qualified for a job like that?"

AVOID GENERALIZATIONS
A generalization is a broad statement that declares a relationship between one or more occurrences, people, places or events. Generalizations are usually based on bias or prejudice and should be avoided when communicating and listening to others. When speaking, do not use statements like, "You always," or "You never," because they place blame and evoke defensiveness in the listener. Listening effectively requires that you first minimize the influence of bias about the speaker or the subject matter.

NONVERBAL CUES
According to research by Dr. Laura Janusik, assistant professor of communications and fine arts at Rockhurst University, spoken words account for only 30 to 35 percent of the meaning of a message. The rest is transmitted through nonverbal communication that can only be detected through visual and auditory listening. Folded arms, a frown, widened eyes and fidgeting are all nonverbal cues that are just

as important as spoken language. An effective communicator often uses cues that match his message and an effective listener can draw on those cues if verbal messages are unclear or ambiguous.

EFFECTIVE TWO-WAY COMMUNICATION

Effective communication requires the ability to accurately give and receive information through verbal and nonverbal cues. The key element of effective communication is an understanding of what is being said and shared. Talking and active listening are the key components in achieving this goal.

TALKING
The ability to express your thoughts and feelings in a clear and concise manner is necessary for effective communication. Understanding your intended message will allow you to more easily portray it to someone else. Do not assume that the other person knows what you are thinking or understands your feelings. Take responsibility by using "I" sentences. For example, "I feel" rather than "you make me feel." Avoid the use of extreme terms such as "always" and "never."

LISTENING
Listening is often underrated in the art of communication. You can listen without actually hearing what is said. Active listening encourages effective communication. Providing a response with nods or verbal acknowledgment lets your wife know that you are listening. Clarifying what your husband has said, in your own words, ensures that you are hearing what he is trying to say. Asking questions regarding intent and meaning will allow you to better understand, while showing that you truly care about the intended message.

OBSERVING
Be aware of visual cues. If your son has his arms crossed and is facing away from you, he is likely uncomfortable with the conversation. Observing body language may allow you to adjust the situation, providing for increased communication potential. Would it be better to speak privately, or at a different time? Paying attention to these signals will increase your communication experience.

UNDERSTANDING
To be an effective communicator, you must be able to understand where the other person is coming from. Know that you might not share the same point of view. Keep an open mind and avoid judgment, criticism and disagreement. You may listen to your daughter's point of view while maintaining your own.

EVALUATING
To increase your effectiveness as a communicator, it is important to accurately assess your strengths and weaknesses. Answering some of these questions may be helpful if you are honest in your response.

Do you talk more than you listen? Do you interrupt during a conversation? Are you able to clearly state what it is that you are feeling? Do you give affirmation during a conversation? Does your mind wander if you don't find the topic interesting? Do you have your mind made up before the conversation begins? Do you make every conversation about you? If you are comfortable, ask someone close to you to give their opinion as well.

BASICS OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Communication sounds easy. It can be as simple as stating what you want to say and listening to what others have to say, but it can be harder than it sounds. Communication skills are especially important in maintaining a healthy relationship. According to Discovery Health, many people believe that effective communication is the number one secret to maintaining a healthy relationship. Effective communication can enhance, and not just maintain, an intimate relationship.

LISTENING
Listening effectively is important in communication. This means giving the speaker time to fully state what he wants to say. Nods and verbal acknowledgments indicate to the speaker that you are listening. After the speaker has finished, repeating what was said in your own words shows the speaker that you listened and provides a basis for your response.

BODY LANGUAGE
Body language can be important in effectively communicating. If you look bored or are constantly looking away or skyward while someone is speaking, you are giving visual clues that you are not listening to the speaker. Eye contact shows that you are engaged in the conversation.

SPEAKING
Speaking clearly and directly is important in communicating what you have to say. If you get at your point in a roundabout way, your message may get lost. Conversation should be made in non-defensive tones. After making your point, ask the listener to repeat your message to ensure it was understood correctly.

OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS
Open-ended questions allow the person answering to give responses that are more fully detailed. For example, a question that elicits a simple "yes" or "no" response may make the other person feel constricted in responding and may give the impression that the topic of the conversation is being controlled too tightly.

SUMMARIZING

After a conversation, summarizing what was said helps ensure that the communication was effective. Each person can summarize the conversation as she heard it to ensure all parties understood the conversation correctly.

EMOTIONS
Communicating involves expressing emotions. It is important for the listener to understand that expressing such emotions as anger, frustration, fear and despair is an important part of the communication process. Emotions should be acknowledged. Further communication, such as asking open-ended questions, may help identify the issue that is at the root of the emotional response.

FOLLOW UP
If an issue is raised but not resolved during a conversation, a point can be made to follow up with another conversation. Communication is an ongoing process.