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Several people have asked me to put up some of the Native jokes that go around in my travels, so here they are. I take no credit for authorship of any of them. Some are not really suitable for small children, so be forewarned.....On the other hand, some sensitive folks may deem these jokes to be somewhat racist. They're not racist, just culturist, and it's important to laugh, especially at yourself. If you have a funny Native Joke, please send it along, we'll post it here if it's not too disgusting....

COLD WINTER! The Blackfeet asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the nearest phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man replied, "its going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again and asks "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Blackfeet are collecting wood like crazy!"

THE BRONZE RAT A Cheyenne guy went to Chinatown in San Francisco. While there he found a bronze rat at a thrift store. "How much do you want for the rat" he asked. "$3 for the rat and $1000 for the story that goes with it" said the shopkeeper. "Just give me the rat," the Cheyenne said, and then he left with it. As he walked down the street he noticed a couple of rats following him. As he walked further, more and more rats started chasing him. By the time he got to the bay, there were thousands of rats chasing him. So he climbed up a pole and threw the bronze rat into the water. To his amazement, all the rats jumped into the water. The Cheyenne then returned to the thrift store. "Ahh" the china man said. "Now you would like to hear the story?" "No" said the Cheyenne, "I just came back to see if you had any bronze white men!"

MONTANA DEPARTMENT OF FISH AND GAME ADVISORY ON BEARS

Helena Montana, January 31, 1999 - In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. "We advise that outdoorsmen should wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them," a spokesman said. "We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear". It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear paw prints and scat. A grizzly's paw is larger and its claws are longer than that of a black bear. Black bear scat contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear scat has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

Anglos have BC and AD to measure time. Native People only have the four BC's****(see bottom of page)

This wagon train is heading across the desert, when all of a sudden the wagon master notices that on all sides of the valley, there are Indian guys. He quickly forms the wagons into the "Hollywood" circle, to protect the families in the train. Nothing happens. Soon, drums are heard pounding out in the distance, BUM, bum, bum, bum, BUM, bum, bum, bum, BUM, bum, bum, bum.......(the famous Hollywood drumbeat from the John Ford movies) The wagon master tells the train, "I don't like the sound of this...." From out in the distance comes another voice, saying, "We don't like the sound of it either. He's not our regular drummer!"

2 Lakota guys and a dude from New York are on a hunting trip. On the first day, one Lakota goes out, and less than an hour later returns with a deer. The guy from New York is blown away. "How did you get your deer so fast?!" "Easy" says the Lakota guy, "I looked for tracks, found them, followed them, and got my deer." The next day the 2nd Lakota guy goes out, and less than an hour later returns with a deer. The guy from New York is blown away again, just flabbergasted. "How did you get YOUR deer so fast?!" "It's simple" says the Lakota guy, "I looked for tracks, found them, followed them, and there was the deer." On the third day, the New York guy goes out. He doesn't return, and when darkness begins to fall, the two Lakota guys go looking for him. They found him lying at the base of a hill, bloodied up, clothes torn, and bones broken. "What happened to you?" they asked. "I did just what you told me to do, I looked for tracks, found them, followed them, and the damn train ran me over."

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A Cheyenne man goes into a grocery store, and asks for a package of toilet paper. The clerk offers him 3 kinds, Charmin, Best Brand, and Generic. The Cheyenne man takes the generic. He comes back in a week later, throws the remainder of the toilet paper at the store clerk and says, "I don't want no cheap John Wayne toilet paper!" The clerk laughs and says, "It's not John Wayne toilet paper, it's GENERIC toilet paper." The Cheyenne guy tells him, 'You can call it whatever you want, but it's rough, tough, and won't take crap off nobody!"

A Dine' guy is sitting in a bus stop with two old Anglo men. The first Anglo guy says, "Hey Herb, where you going for vacation this year?" Herb tells him, "I'm going to Montana to fish this year", The first guy looks at him and exclaims, "What you want to go there fer? They ain't nothin but a bunch of damned Indians up there." Herb then says, "Well, where you goin?" The first guy says, "I'm going to Arizona and soak up some sun!" Herb looks at him and yells, "You moron, there's nothing but a bunch of Indians in Arizona!" Then the little Dine' guy speaks up and comments, "Why don't you both just go to hell! There's no Indians there."

Between the reservation and the city, there is a road that marks the boundary lines. On one side of the road are the res dogs, and they just kind of lie around staying cool. On the city side are the city dogs, and they always chase cars as they go down the road, barking, "Bow-wow, Bow-wow". One day the city dogs ask the res dogs, "How come you never chase cars with us?" The res dogs respond, "What's the point, it's just a waste of time. The cars don't do anything when you chase them." The city dogs tell the res dogs that they think its just a lot of fun, so finally the res dogs agree to try it just once. The next car comes down the road, and the dogs from both sides chase the car. The city dogs bark, "Bow-wow, Bow-wow" and the res dogs chase too, but they bark, "Bow-wow, Bow-wow, Bow-wow, Bow-wow eeeehhhhhhhhhhh." :-)

What did the Dine' lady say first time she went into Pizza Hut? "Who threw up on my fry bread?"

NASA asked this elder Dine' guy to record a message to put on their newest S.E.T.I. satellite, along with messages from other cultures and languages. He records the message, the satellite is launched, and one day CNN broadcasts the messages being sent into outer space from the spacecraft. A huge belly laugh is heard coming from the entire northern portion of Arizona. When CNN asks why the people are laughing, a man from Chinle tells them, "The message says that if they are hearing this, to stay quiet and don't respond, because as soon as the white man knows where those aliens live, they'll come over for dinner, and end up NEVER going home!"

An Apache guy, who had spent his whole life in the desert, goes to visit a friend who had moved to town. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! - but doesn't know what it is.

BAM!!, he's hit by the train and tossed to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was lucky enough to live through it with a few broken bones and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teapot whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teapot into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the noise, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the Apache guy, "Why'd you bust up my teapot?" The desert man replies, "Shii' kiis', you gotta kill these things when they're small."

Two Indians at Plymouth Rock watch a huge ship full of white people pulling into the harbor. The one looks at the other and asked "Do you think they'll stay overnight?".

Did you know that vegetarian is an indigenous word? Translated it mean "Can't hunt"!

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

What do Eskimos get from rubbing noses too many times? Sniffilis.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

Remember, one cannot make footprints in the sands of time by sitting on their butt, and who wants to leave butt prints in the sands of time?

*** Before Columbus

Before Custer Before Commodity.... Before Costner!!

Send us YOUR jokes, if they're clean enough to put up, we'll put them there!

Madrone Monkeys

A Rogue River Tall Tale

As told by Captain Tim Brueckner

Collected by S.E. Schlosser

Something people often ask about, and you might be curious also, are the trees you see along the river with the kind of yellowish orange trunk, skin-like bark. They look like someone has been peeling the bark off of them.

Those are called Madrone trees, and what gives them that appearance is thats actually what happens to those trees. The brittle outer bark of the Madrone tree is deftly peeled away, on a regular basis, by the Madrone monkeys that live along the river. Now, Madrone monkeys are not indigenous to the south coast. Where you find them historically, is in the vast rain forests, that is, the jungles of the Amazon river basin, where they have flourished for eons, subsisting on the nutrient rich outer bark of the Madrone tree, until as of late where you read so much in the paper, and see on TV, about the heavy clear cutting the deforestation of those wonderful jungles, to the point that there is a real potential to lose this species to extinction through loss of habitat.

So, in order to preserve a remnant of that gene pool, they have captured several colonies several breeding communities of these Madrone monkeys and moved them here, to this south coast corridor of the Rouge River, which not incidentally, is the only other place where this particular subspecies of Madrone tree exists, upon which these monkeys can subsist. And theyve done very well

Now, you dont see the monkeys because theyre nocturnal. In other words, all their work is done at night. But you certainly see the evidence of their participation in this ecosystem as we travel up and down the river.

Its a pretty big deal

Look at the surface of the water. Do you see that foam line? Have you noticed how these foam lines develop from time to time along the river? Well, this again indicates the presence of Madrone monkeys. See, Madrone monkeys are a highly developed system of primates. And as is almost always the case, in upper level primates, they will identify for themselves each group, each community a dominant male. And its kind of interesting how the Madrone monkeys do this. In fact, they have studied this, behavioral scientists have, back at Cornell University, in hopes of unlocking some of the mysteries of our own political systems.

It seems then, that each evening, those mature males vying for dominance, will stand on a branch overhanging the river, and tinkle out into the river. Now, the monkey which can tinkle farthest into the river, becomes by consensus then, the dominant male until supplanted by a contender.

I thought that was interesting

Now, not all the foam is from the monkeys of course. Some of its just fish sweat. These salmon and steelhead working so hard to get up river on their annual migrations often times their sweat will collect on top and mix with what the monkeys have done. But I just wanted to share that with you because were so proud to be a part of something as significant as saving these rare and endangered Madrone monkeys.

Oh, I know, I was telling some people about the monkeys the other day and their behaviors, and one lady said she didnt believe me.

I asked her, How come?

And she said, Because everybody knows, theres no such thing as a mature male."

Kind of hard to argue

Never Mind Them Watermelons

An Alabama Ghost Story

retold by

S. E. Schlosser

Listen to the story (4.3 mb download)

Well now, old Sam Gibb, he didn't believe in ghosts. Not one bit. Everyone in town knew the old log cabin back in the woods was haunted, but Sam Gibb just laughed whenever folks talked about it. Finally, the blacksmith dared Sam Gibb to spend the night in the haunted log cabin. If he stayed there until dawn, the blacksmith would buy him a whole cartload of watermelons. Sam was delighted. Watermelon was Sam's absolute favorite fruit. He accepted the dare at once, packed some matches and his pipe, and went right over to the log cabin to spend the night.

Sam went into the old log cabin, started a fire, lit his pipe, and settled into a rickety old chair with yesterday's newspaper. As he was reading, he heard a creaking sound. Looking up, he saw that a gnarled little creature with glowing red eyes had taken the seat beside him. It had a long, forked tail, two horns on its head, claws at the ends of its hands, and sharp teeth that poked right through its large lips.

"There ain't nobody here tonight except you and me," the creature said to old Sam Gibb. It had a voice like the hiss of flames. Sam's heart nearly stopped with fright. He leapt to his feet.

"There ain't going to be nobody here but you in a minute," Sam Gibb told the gnarled creature. He leapt straight for the nearest exit - which happened to be the window - and hi-tailed it down the lane licketysplit. He ran so fast he overtook two rabbits being chased by a coyote. But it wasn't long before he heard the pounding of little hooves, and the gnarled creature with the red eyes caught up with him.

"You're making pretty good speed for an old man," said the creature to old Sam Gibb.

"Oh, I can run much faster than this," Sam Gibb told it. He took off like a bolt of lightning, leaving the gnarled creature in the dust. As he ran passed the smithy, the blacksmith came flying out of the forge to see what was wrong.

"Never mind about them watermelons," Sam Gibb shouted to the blacksmith without breaking his stride.

Old Sam Gibb ran all the way home and hid under his bed for the rest of the night. After that, he was a firm believer in ghosts and spooks, and he refused to go anywhere near the old cabin in the woods.

You can read more Alabama ghost stories in Spooky South by S.E. Schlosser.

Comments

That was good and funny

Posted by: keri roark | August 21, 2010 12:08 PM

That was good and funny

Old Man Moses

A New Hampshire Tall Tale

retold by

S. E. Schlosser

It's not hard to catch a meal in New Hampshire, no sir. Take my neighbor, Old Man Moses, who lives down a piece from me. One morning, Old Man Moses went out his kitchen door and found twelve turkeys on his fence. He figured one of them would make a good dinner, but he was afeared that if he went to get his gun, them turkeys would be gone when he returned.

So Old Man Moses tossed his ax at them turkeys, hoping to get at least one. But his ax caught the tree branch above the turkeys on the fence. The branch fell into the pond, taking the turkeys with it and trapping their legs right good. Old Man Moses went right into the pond after them turkeys, his great coat floating around him like a fishing net. By the time he came ashore, Old Man Moses had snagged himself twelve turkeys and a passel of fish for his supper. Ain't nowhere else I know of where you can catch a weeks worth of meals in under ten minutes 'cept in New Hampshire. Just ask Old Man Moses.

Old Stormalong and the Octopus

A Rhode Island Tall Tale

retold by

S.E. Schlosser

One day Old Stormalong, the ultimate sailor, was sailing the Courser through the deepest part of the Atlantic Ocean when a particularly large wave knocked the anchor loose. The anchor plunged right down to the bottom before the sailors could reel her in, and it got caught on something. The big ship lurched to a halt and the sailors rushed hither and thither, back and forth trying to figure out how to shake the anchor loose.

Finally, Old Stormalong pushed the sailors aside and gave the anchor a tug himself. But that anchor was stuck firm, and the sailors begged Stormie not to pull at it again, because they were afraid that he would wrench a hole in the bottom of the world and all the water would spill out into space. So Old Stormalong he decided to go down to the depths to see if he could unhook the anchor from whatever it was tangled to.

Taking a knife between his teeth, Old Stormalong dove into the water. For a few minutes nothing happened. Then the waters below the massive ship began to bubble and churn. The waves grew higher and higher until the ship was tossed around like a rubber duck in the bathtub. Even the old sailors grew seasick and clutched the rail, groaning aloud. After a few minutes the waves started to calm, and then Old Stormalong popped his head out of the water. "She's good to go, boys. Hoist anchor!" he shouted.

Old Stormalong climbed aboard while his men hoisted the giant anchor. As soon as they caught their breath, the sailors asked their captain why the anchor had gotten stuck on the bottom.

"It was a giant octopus playing games down in one of the canyons," Old Stormie explained. "It took ahold of the anchor with four legs and was using the other four to hold onto the bottom of the sea."

"How did you get the anchor loose?" asked the first mate.

"Well, I just arm-wrestled the old whale-bait until it shouted for mercy and then tied its arms into double carrick bends. It will take the better part of the month for all the knots to come undone."

One Short

A Wisconsin Tall Tale retold by S.E. Schlosser

There is a tale once told of a Mississippi riverboat captain who called all of the passengers to the top deck in the middle of the night. When the announcement was made, everyone hurried topside, wondering fearfully what had occasioned the disruption in their sleep.

Once all the passengers were present, the captain stood atop a crate and looked over the half-dressed, shivering crowd. "Ladies and gentlemen, I fear that our ship has struck a snag and is sinking," he announced. This statement was greeted with gasps of horror from those assembled. "I wonder," the captain continued solemnly, "if there is anyone among us skilled in the art of prayer?" The frightened passengers nodded wisely to one another. Yes, a prayer at such a perilous time was a very good idea. After a moment's hesitation, a young clergyman stepped forward. "I have some skill in praying," he said. "Excellent," said the captain. "You stand here and pray, while I hand out the life vests. We're one short."

You can read more Wisconsin folklore and ghost stories in Spooky Wisconsin by S.E. Schlosser. One Short

A Wisconsin Tall Tale retold by S.E. Schlosser

There is a tale once told of a Mississippi riverboat captain who called all of the passengers to the top deck in the middle of the night. When the announcement was made, everyone hurried topside, wondering fearfully what had occasioned the disruption in their sleep.

Once all the passengers were present, the captain stood atop a crate and looked over the half-dressed, shivering crowd. "Ladies and gentlemen, I fear that our ship has struck a snag and is sinking," he announced. This statement was greeted with gasps of horror from those assembled. "I wonder," the captain continued solemnly, "if there is anyone among us skilled in the art of prayer?" The frightened passengers nodded wisely to one another. Yes, a prayer at such a perilous time was a very good idea. After a moment's hesitation, a young clergyman stepped forward. "I have some skill in praying," he said. "Excellent," said the captain. "You stand here and pray, while I hand out the life vests. We're one short."

You can read more Wisconsin folklore and ghost stories in Spooky Wisconsin by S.E. Schlosser. Piece By Piece

A New York Ghost Story

retold by

S. E. Schlosser

Listen to the story (4 mb download)

There once was a crazy ghost over Poughkeepsie way that got folks so plumb scared that nobody would stay more than one night in its house. It was a nice old place, or was, until the ghost began making its presence known. It got so no one would enter the house, not even kids on a dare, and you know what they are like!

Now when my friend Joe heard a fancy old house in Poughkeepsie was selling dirt cheap, he decided to go have a look. He asked me about it and I told him about the spook, but Joe just laughed. "I don't believe in ghosts," he said and went to visit the agent selling the house.

Well, the agent gave Joe a key, but refused to look at the old house with him, which should have told Joe something. But Joe's a stubborn man who won't listen to reason. He even waited until after dark to visit the house for the first time, just to prove his point.

Joe got to the house around nine p.m. and he entered the front hallway. It was a large entrance and well-proportioned, but neglected-looking, with creepy cobwebs and dust everywhere. As Joe paused near the door to get his bearings, he heard a thump from the top of the staircase facing him. A glowing leg appeared out of nowhere and rolled down the steps, landing right next to Joe's feet. Joe gasped out loud and stood frozen to the spot. An arm appeared and rolled down to meet the leg. Next came a foot, then another arm, then a hand. Glowing pieces of body kept popping into existence and plummeting down the steps towards Joe.

Joe held his ground a lot longer than anyone else ever had, but when a screaming head appeared at the top of the steps and started rolling towards him, Joe had had enough. With a shriek that could wake the dead - those that weren't already up and haunting the house that is - Joe ran for his life; out of the house, out of the street, and right out of town, leaving his car behind him.

He called me the next day and asked me to drive his car down to the hotel where he had spent the night. Joe was headed back to Manhattan and refused to come within fifty miles of Poughkeepsie ever again. The agent gave up trying to sell the house after that, and the house fell into ruin and was eventually torn down. Sally Ann Thunder Ann Whirlwind Crockett Bests Mike Fink

A Tennessee Tall Tale

retold by

S.E. Schlosser

Davy Crockett done married the prettiest, the sassiest, the toughest gal in the West, don't ya know! Her name was Sally Ann Thunder Ann Whirlwind and she was all that and then some! She was tougher than a grumpy she-bear and faster than a wildcat with his tail on fire and sweeter than honey, so that even hornets would let her use their nest for a Sunday-go-to-Meeting hat.

Naturally, Davy Crockett was proud of his wife and liked to boast about her skills. "Yes sir, she can wrestle an alligator until it gets down on its knees and begs for mercy," he told everyone. Well, Mike Fink, that tough old Mississippi roarer, snag-lifter, and flatboat skuller, took a dislike to Davy Crockett's boasting about his wife (maybe on account of his wife weren't half so tough), and he tried seven ways to Sunday to scare her good and proper. 'Course, Sally Ann Thunder Ann Whirlwind Crockett didn't pay any attention to his antics, and Davy Crockett about laughed 'til he busted to see Mike Fink trying to pull a fast one on her.

Finally, Mike Fink bet Davy Crockett a dozen wild-cats that he could scare Miz Crockett until her teeth came loose and her toe nails went out-of-joint. Davy Crockett figure this was an easy win, so he took the bet.

Well, Mike Fink took the skin of a mighty big alligator and wrapped it around himself. Then he crept into the bushes and waited until Sally Ann Thunder Ann Whirlwind Crockett came strolling by for her evening walk. Mike Fink leapt out of the brush and started a growling and a howling and roaring so loud he about scared himself out of his wits. But not Miz Crockett; no sir! She put her hands on her hips and smirked at that raging critter like it was a misbehavin' child.

That made Mike Fink pretty mad. He was determined to scare the wits outta Sally Ann Thunder Ann Whirlwind Crockett if it was the last thing he did. He stretched out the claws on that 'gater skin and started walking toward Miz Crockett, reaching to pull her into its deadly embrace. Now it was Sally Ann Thunder Ann Whirlwind Crockett's turn to get mad.

"Don't you be fresh!" she told that crazy critter. She gave his a glare so full of lightning that it light up the sky from here to California, but Mike Fink kept a-coming 'cause he was determined to win the bet.

Sally Ann Thunder Ann Whirlwind Crockett took out a small toothpick that she carried with her to keep her smile all clean and pretty after she ate. She jest lit out with that toothpick and knocked the head right off that alligator skin. It whirled up and away about fifty-feet into the air, and it took all the hair on top of Mike Fink's head right along with it. So now Mike Fink was left standing in front of Miz Crockett with a half-bald head and the remains of an alligator skin clutched around him.

Sally Ann Thunder Ann Whirlwind Crockett was not amused when she realized the famous Mississippi roarer was trying to scare the dickens out of her. She put away the toothpick, since she figured it gave her an unfair advantage, and proceeded to knock the stuffing out of Mike Fink until he fainted away in his alligator skin. Dusting off her hands, she glared down at his still form and said: "Good riddance!" and marched off to tell her husband the story. Davy Crockett laughed so hard he nearly split a gusset!

When folks asked Mike Fink how he got so busted up the next day, he told them he'd been chewed up and swallowed whole by an alligator. But he didn't fool Davy Crockett none with this story, so he had to give him a dozen wild cats to pay off his bet.

Mike Fink never messed with Miz Crockett again!

Sasquatch and the Bear

A Rogue River Tall Tale

as told by Captain Tim Brueckner collected by S.E. Schlosser

Take a look over at this gravel bar on our left. It's called Bony Point, and we saw something here the other day that I thought was kind of interesting so I thought Id mention it.

You see where the gravel bar meets the tree line up there and how it forms those shadows? Well, standing back there in those shadows was a big old Sasquatch. And, this isnt unusual, because we have a lot of Sasquatches down here. But, we had some people on board who had never seen one, so we idled down to watch.

Well, as we watched, after a little while, this old Sasquatch wanders across the gravel bar, wades out about hip deep in the water, grabs about a six foot sturgeon by the tail. He drags it up on the gravel bar, thumps it in the head with a big old rock and kills it.

Now, I dont know why they do that. Ive seen them do that before. Whether they actually eat the fish, or if its just for sport, I dont know, because Ive never really had a chance to follow up.

But, this is where it gets interesting, because while were watching this on the south, down out of the alders on the north side, comes a big old black bear, and I mean about as big a bear as weve seen yet this year.

Well, this old bear looks across the river, sees whats going on, jumps in the river himself, swims right across the bow of our boat, gets out on the south side there, shakes like a big old dog, and jumps right on the back of that Sasquatch, and starts beating on him. I guess he wanted his fish.

Anyway, as you can imagine, that old Sasquatch beat a hasty retreat up into the hills and we thought that was the end of it people quit taking pictures.

Well, moments later that old Sasquatch comes back down out of the hills, with a big old tree hes pulled out by the roots and starts beating on the bear.

Well, Holy Cow, that put them into it. It was a terrible thing. They went at it tooth and nail. There was blood and fur flying. You could hear their teeth popping as they snarled, and growled, and lit into each other, and I mean I was afraid. I was scared they were going to kill each other and I think they would have if I hadnt jumped in there and broke it up!

Yup, that was something...

Teething Toy

A South Dakota Tall Tale

retold by

S.E. Schlosser

Well now, you've probably heard it rumored that here in Deadwood we have such a tough neighborhood that our babies teeth on guns. And the fact of the matter is, this is the very truth.

I happen to know the lady who was responsible for the start of this rumor. Nice woman, married with a baby. One afternoon, she saw a drifter approaching her house. She knew he would bother her something fierce for food and take advantage of her. So she took out her husband's gun. To her dismay, she found that it weren't loaded. Jest then, that drifter walked right in the door without knocking or nothing. So the woman dropped the empty gun into the crib and tried to fend him off.

The drifter was all set to take every bite of food the little lady had prepared for her husband's dinner, and give her a hard time to boot. But he happened to glance into the crib, and saw the woman's little feller jest gumming away at the handle of the gun. Well that drifter turned pale and high-tailed it out of there. Left Deadwood as far behind as he could. He didn't cotton to the idea of stayin' in a place where the babies teeth on guns. The Crows are in the Corn

A Georgia Tall Tale

retold by

S. E. Schlosser

It happened in Georgia not long ago, that a farmer and his wife decided to sleep late, like the rich folk do. It was a beautiful Sunday morning, the kind that brings all God's creatures out to play. But not these farm folk. No, they just slept and slept and slept.

The crows were gathered in a large oak tree, having a big morning meeting. They noticed that there was nobody stirring around the house, and that the corn was ripe in the field. So they adjourned their meeting mighty quick and flew over to the field to eat some corn.

"Caw-n, caw-n," they cackled excitedly.

The old rooster woke up to their activities and started to crow excitedly to the sleeping family. "Wake up, wake up, wake up!"

The farmer and his wife just kept sleeping, and the crows kept eating the corn.

"Caw-n, caw-n," they called.

"The crows are in the corn! The crows are in the corn!" The rooster cock-a-doodle-dooed with all his might.

The farmer kept snoring, and his wife just rolled over and pulled the pillow over her head.

The rooster was frantic. He tried once more: "The crows are in the corn. They're pulling up the corn!"

The farmer and his wife kept right on sleeping. And the crow's kept right on eating.

The rooster quit crowing in disgust. Nothing would wake the farmer and his wife.

The old turkey came strolling into the yard and watched the proceedings. Finally he said to the rooster: "The corns all et up, all et up, all et up."

When the farmer and his wife finally rolled out of bed, they found that the corn was all gone. That is why in Georgia we say "the crows are in the corn" when it is time to get up. The Fisherman and the Bear

A Maine Tall Tale

retold by

S.E. Schlosser

One fine day an old Maine man was fishing and fishing on his favorite lake and catching nary a thing. Finally, he gave up and walked back along the shore to his fishing shack. When he got close to the front door, he saw it was open. Being of a suspicious nature, he walked to the door quietly and looked inside. There was a big black bear. It was just pulling the cork out of his molasses jug with its teeth. The molasses spilled all over the floor and the bear rubbed his paw in it, smearing it all over.

Well, the old man was not the timid sort. He went to the back of the shack, put his head in the window and gave a loud yell. The bear jumped and ran out the door. It was running strangely. The old man saw that the bear was holding up the foot covered with molasses so it wouldn't get dirty.

The bear ran to the lake shore. Standing on its hind legs, it held up the paw full of molasses. Soon all the flies and bugs and mosquitoes were swarming all over the sticky sweet paw. Then the bear waded into the water with his sticky paw full of bugs. It held the paw out over the water. Suddenly, a big trout came jumping out of the water trying to get to the flies. The bear gave it a swat and it flew to the shore and flopped there. Then another fish jumped into the air after the flies, followed swiftly by another. Every time a fish jumped after his paw, the bear cuffed it ashore. Soon it had a large pile.

Finally, the bear decided he had enough fish and waded to shore. The bear had caught a mess of fish any fisherman would envy. The old man had caught nothing. He watched that bear eat half a dozen trout, his stomach rumbling. All he had for dinner was some bread and what was left of the molasses. Finally the bear paused in his eating, and looked over to the bushes where the old man was hidden. The bear stood up and laid the remaining fish in a row. Then it walked away up the shore. It kept looking back at the bushes where the old man stood.

The old man crept out of the bushes and down to the shore. Sure enough, the bear had left six large trout for him. He looked over at the bear. It was standing at the edge of the wood watching. "Thanks a lot," the old man called to the bear. The bear waved the now-clean paw at the old man and disappeared into the thicket. "Well," said the old man, "That's the first time a bear has ever paid me for my molasses."

The old man never hunted bears again. The Skeleton

The SkeletonA New Mexico Ghost Story

Retold by S.E. Schlosser

The boy had been out looking for work all day with no luck. When night fell, he was far from home. He decided to spend the night in an empty, rundown house. The minute he laid down he fell into a sound sleep. The boy was awakened quite suddenly by a thump on the roof. With a pounding heart, he sat up and lit a candle. A voice called out, Im falling down!

The boy scrambled out of the way just as a skeletal arm came crashing to the floor. The voice shouted again, Im falling down! and another arm landed beside the first. Then a leg, the chest, and a second leg. Before he could count to ten, a complete skeleton was standing in front of him, grinning madly.

The boy lifted his chin and grinned back, determined not to show his fear. The skeleton was delighted by the boys spirit and said, You have courage, son. Are you brave enough to wrestle me?

The boy was terrified, but he did not dare refuse this strange apparition. The skeleton and the boy wrestled back and forth, up and down the room. Remembering a trick his older brother had taught him, he twisted suddenly and threw the skeleton onto the ground.

Youve won! The skeleton said, Such courage deserves a reward. Come, I will give you my treasure.

The boy was startled. What kind of treasure could an old skeleton have?

Pick me up and carry me on your back to the next room, said the skeleton. Remember to take your candle. The boy picked up the skeleton and put it on his back. Then he retrieved his candle from the corner of the room and carried the skeleton into the next room. As they passed through the doorway, the skeleton blew out the candle.

Now, stop that, he said annoyed. The skeleton cackled madly. The boy lit the candle again, and the skeleton blew it out. Im going to drop you, the boy threatened. He lit the candle again, and again the skeleton blew it out.

The boy dropped the skeleton onto the floor. I will break all your bones! he said. Impressed, the skeleton said: You are so courageous and strong, I will let you see my treasure.

The boy lit the candle and turned to look into the room. It was filled with piles and piles of gold and silver and jewels.

I want you to promise me something, The skeleton said.

The boy drew his gaze reluctantly from the magnificent treasure and looked at the skeleton. I want you to promise me that you will gather all the poor people you can find in one day and give them each a bag of money. The rest you can keep for yourself.

It would be a good thing to share this wealth with the needy, the boy decided, so he agreed to do what the skeleton had asked.

The skeleton gave a happy laugh and began to disappear, piece by piece. First his head, then his leg, then his chest, then his other leg and so on, until he was gone.

The boy did just as he had promised, and when he had finished his task, he took the rest of the treasure back to his family. They lived in comfort all of their days.The Talking Mule

A South Carolina Tall Tale

retold by

S. E. Schlosser

A farmer owned a mule which he used for work all week. But being a Church-going man, he let the mule rest on Sunday.

One Sunday, the farmer had to go to a funeral. So he sent his son to saddle the mule.

"Since when do I have to work on Sunday?" asked the mule.

The boy dropped the saddle and ran to the house.

"Paw, the mule talked!" he shouted.

"Can't you even saddle the mule?" asked the farmer.

"But Paw, the mule don't want to work on Sunday," the boy protested.

The farmer sent the boy to his room for talking crazy and went out to saddle the mule.

"Move over," he said to the mule.

"Where's my supper?" asked the mule.

The farmer dropped the saddle in the same spot as his boy and ran out of the barn, followed by the dog.

"I ain't never heard a mule talk before," he gasped.

"Me neither," said the dog.

The man bolted for the house and slammed the door.

"The mule talked!" he told his wife.

"What!" said his wife.

"And when I exclaimed: 'I ain't never heard a mule talk before', the dog said: 'Me neither'."

"That's crazy," said his wife.

"What's so crazy about that?" asked the cat. "Haven't you ever heard of a talking mule?" The TwistMouth Family

A Massachusetts Tall Tale

retold by

S. E. Schlosser

A while back there was a family I know of - a mother, a father, and several children. Four of them had mouths that were twisted into strange shapes. The mother's mouth twisted up while the father's mouth twisted down. The sister's mouth twisted left while the younger brother's mouth twisted right. The eldest son John's mouth was perfectly normal.

When John grew up, his parents sent him to college. He was the first person in his family to get a college education, and everyone was eager to hear what he had to say when he came home from his first vacation. Everyone sat up late talking. When it came time to go to bed, the Mother said: "Papa, I cannot find the candle snuffer. Will you blow out the candle in the sitting room?"

"Yes I will," said the Father. He blew as hard as he could. But his mouth was twisted down so that when he blew, the air tickled his chin.

"Well now, Mama, I think you should blow out the candle," said he.

"Yes I will," said she. She blew as hard as she could. But her mouth was twisted up so that when she blew, the air made her hair stand on end.

"You know, Mary," she said to her daughter, " I think perhaps you should blow out the candle."

"Yes I will," said Mary. She blew as hard as she could. But her mouth twisted to the left, so that when she blew all the air rushed over her cheek.

"Dick, I think tonight you should blow out the candle," said Mary to her younger brother.

"Yes I will," said Dick. He took a deep breath and blew as hard as he could. But his mouth was twisted to the right, so that when he blew all the air went into his right ear.

Then Dick said, "John, maybe you should blow out the candle."

"Yes I will," said John. He blew as hard as he could. And since his mouth was straight, the candle went right out.

They all cheered. Patting John on the shoulder, the father said to his two younger children: "Well now, I hope you both learned how important it is to get a college education." The Twist-Mouth Family

A Massachusetts Tall Tale

retold by

S. E. Schlosser

A while back there was a family I know of - a mother, a father, and several children. Four of them had mouths that were twisted into strange shapes. The mother's mouth twisted up while the father's mouth twisted down. The sister's mouth twisted left while the younger brother's mouth twisted right. The eldest son John's mouth was perfectly normal.

When John grew up, his parents sent him to college. He was the first person in his family to get a college education, and everyone was eager to hear what he had to say when he came home from his first vacation. Everyone sat up late talking. When it came time to go to bed, the Mother said: "Papa, I cannot find the candle snuffer. Will you blow out the candle in the sitting room?"

"Yes I will," said the Father. He blew as hard as he could. But his mouth was twisted down so that when he blew, the air tickled his chin.

"Well now, Mama, I think you should blow out the candle," said he.

"Yes I will," said she. She blew as hard as she could. But her mouth was twisted up so that when she blew, the air made her hair stand on end.

"You know, Mary," she said to her daughter, " I think perhaps you should blow out the candle."

"Yes I will," said Mary. She blew as hard as she could. But her mouth twisted to the left, so that when she blew all the air rushed over her cheek.

"Dick, I think tonight you should blow out the candle," said Mary to her younger brother.

"Yes I will," said Dick. He took a deep breath and blew as hard as he could. But his mouth was twisted to the right, so that when he blew all the air went into his right ear.

Then Dick said, "John, maybe you should blow out the candle."

"Yes I will," said John. He blew as hard as he could. And since his mouth was straight, the candle went right out.

They all cheered. Patting John on the shoulder, the father said to his two younger children: "Well now, I hope you both learned how important it is to get a college education." Wait Until Emmet Comes

A West Virgina Ghost Story

retold by

S. E. Schlosser

A preacher was riding to one of the churches on his circuit when darkness fell. It was about to storm, and the only house nearby was an old mansion which was reputed to be haunted. The preacher clutched his Bible and said: "The Lawd will take care o' me".

He went into the mansion just as the storm broke. He put his horse into the barn and made his way into the house. The door was unlocked. He went into a large room which contained a fireplace that filled one wall. There was wood laid for a fire. He laid a match to it. Then the preacher sat down to read his Bible.

Gradually, the fire burnt down to a heap of coals as the storm howled around the mansion. The preacher was roused from his reading by a sound. He looked up from his Bible. A very large, black cat was stretching itself. Then it walked to the fire and sat down among the red hot coals. It picked a coal up in its paw and licked it slowly. The cat got up, shook of the ashes, and walked to the foot of the preacher's chair. It fixed blazing yellow eyes upon him, black tail lashing and said quietly: "Wait until Emmet comes".

The preacher jumped from Genesis to Matthew in shock. He had never heard of a cat talking before. Nervously he kept reading his Bible, muttering to himself, "The Lawd will take care o' me."

Two minutes later, another cat came into the room. It was black as midnight, and as large as the biggest dog. It lay down among the red-hot coals, lazily batting them with enormous paws. Then it walked over to the other cat and said: "What shall we do with him?"

The first cat replied: "We should not do anything until Emmet comes".

The two cats, black as midnight, sat watching the preacher, who read through the Gospels at top speed, aware of blazing yellow eyes watching him.

A third cat, big as a tiger, entered the room. It went to the fire full of red-hot coals and rolled among them, chewing them and spitting them out. Then it came to the other two cats facing the preacher in the chair.

"What shall we do with him?" it growled to the others.

"We should not do anything until Emmet comes," the other cats replied together.

The preacher flipped to Revelation, looking furtively around the room. He closed the Bible and stood up.

"Goo'night cats. I is glad of yo' company, but when Emmet comes, you done tell him I been heah and went."

Why Dogs Chase Cats

A Virginia Folktale

retold by

S.E. Schlosser

Once long ago, Dog was married to Cat. They were happy together, but every night when Dog came home from work, Cat said she was too sick to make him dinner. Dog was patient with this talk for a while, but he soon got mighty tired of fixing dinner for them both after a hard day's work. After all, Cat just stayed home all day long.

One day, Dog told Cat he was going to work, but instead he hid in the cupboard and watched Cat to see if she really was sick. As soon as Cat thought Dog had left, she started playing games with Kitten. They laughed and ran about. Cat wasn't the least bit sick.

Dog jumped out of the cupboard. When Cat saw him, she stuck a marble in her cheek and told Dog she had a toothache. Dog got so mad at her he started chasing her around and around the house.

Dogs have been chasing Cats ever since. Old Stormalong

A Massachusetts Tall Tale

retold by

S.E. Schlosser

Now everyone knows that Alfred Bulltop Stormalong was the ultimate sailor. He was the captain of a mighty ship known as the Courser, which was so wide that she couldn't sail into Boston Harbor and so tall that the mast was hinged into the middle so it could be taken down to avoid the sun and the moon

whenever they passed by. Her keel was so deep that no harbor in the world could take her, so she spent all her time in deep water.

The Courser only went through the English Channel once. It was a tight squeeze, so Old Stormalong had the sailors coat the entire outside of the ship with soap. Even then, Old Stormalong barely slid the boat through, and so much soap scraped off one side of the boat at Dover that the cliffs there became permanently white. After that, the English very politely asked Old Stormalong to go around the long way, and that is what he did.

The deck of the Courser was so long that the sailors had to ride horses at a full gallop from stem to stern when it was their turn to keep watch. Old Stormalong was the only man strong enough to handle the wheel of the Courser, and it took all of his muscle to prevent the ship from knocking down the smaller Caribbean islands whenever a hurricane blew into the ship. Adventure On the Rogue

An Oregon Tall Tale

retold by

S. E. Schlosser

We were up-river with a tour group looking at all the natural beauties here on the Rogue River when I spied a young sasquatch hiding in the shadow of a tree near a gravel bank. I swung the tour-boat around so we could get a better look, and all the tourists exclaimed and took pictures. Its not too unusual to see a sasquatch in the spring. Thats the time they migrate through here to their summer stomping grounds up North.

We were in for a treat today. The sasquatch jumped out of the shadows suddenly, leapt into the river, and wrestled a seven-foot sturgeon onto the gravel bank. I blinked in astonishment. I didnt know sasquatch liked sturgeon. As we watched, the sasquatch belted the big fish with a rock to stop its flopping.

Right at that moment, a big black bear came stomping down the bank on the opposite shore looking for a snack. The bear took one look at the sasquatch with the sturgeon, sitting on the opposite shore, and leapt into the water. In the blink of an eye, that ol bear was across the river and wading out of the water, while the tourists babbled and took pictures. The bear shook itself dry like a dog, and then jumped onto the back of the sasquatch, beating on him until he ran away from the sturgeon, leaving the bear to sniff in triumph over the large fish.

Well, I thought that was the end of it, until the sasquatch came running back down the hill holding a dead tree in his hands. He started beating on the bear and the bear was whomping back at him something fierce. Fur was flying everywhere; blood spurted out like a geyser. I dont know where it would have ended if I hadnt waded in there and broke it up! Adventure On the Rogue

An Oregon Tall Tale

retold by

S. E. Schlosser

We were up-river with a tour group looking at all the natural beauties here on the Rogue River when I spied a young sasquatch hiding in the shadow of a tree near a gravel bank. I swung the tour-boat around so we could get a better look, and all the tourists exclaimed and took pictures. Its not too unusual to see a sasquatch in the spring. Thats the time they migrate through here to their summer stomping grounds up North.

We were in for a treat today. The sasquatch jumped out of the shadows suddenly, leapt into the river, and wrestled a seven-foot sturgeon onto the gravel bank. I blinked in astonishment. I didnt know sasquatch liked sturgeon. As we watched, the sasquatch belted the big fish with a rock to stop its flopping.

Right at that moment, a big black bear came stomping down the bank on the opposite shore looking for a snack. The bear took one look at the sasquatch with the sturgeon, sitting on the opposite shore, and

leapt into the water. In the blink of an eye, that ol bear was across the river and wading out of the water, while the tourists babbled and took pictures. The bear shook itself dry like a dog, and then jumped onto the back of the sasquatch, beating on him until he ran away from the sturgeon, leaving the bear to sniff in triumph over the large fish.

Well, I thought that was the end of it, until the sasquatch came running back down the hill holding a dead tree in his hands. He started beating on the bear and the bear was whomping back at him something fierce. Fur was flying everywhere; blood spurted out like a geyser. I dont know where it would have ended if I hadnt waded in there and broke it up!

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