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The Book Of AnswerBank

A Great Work Of Poesy & Nonsense


Composed, Collected and Compiled by the Users of The AnswerBank
www.theanswerbank.co.uk

Introduction ............................................................................................................................................ 3 The Apotheosis ....................................................................................................................................... 4 Concerns of the Faithful.......................................................................................................................... 5 The Honoured are Chosen ...................................................................................................................... 6 Introduction to the Discussions .............................................................................................................. 7 On Virgins and Bananas (Virgin on the Ridiculous)................................................................................. 8 More on the Importance of Bananas ...................................................................................................... 9 On Head-Gear ....................................................................................................................................... 11 On Politics (Should The First Church Of The AnswerBank Take Over The Running Of The European Union?).................................................................................................................................................. 13 It Is Suggested A Monumental Erection Be Formed ............................................................................. 17 In Praise................................................................................................................................................. 19 The Pantomime! ................................................................................................................................... 22 Scene One ......................................................................................................................................... 22 Scene Two ......................................................................................................................................... 24 Scene Three....................................................................................................................................... 26 Scene Four: Cake Crossed Lovers...................................................................................................... 28 Scene Five ......................................................................................................................................... 30 Scene Six ........................................................................................................................................... 31 Scene Seven ...................................................................................................................................... 32 Scene Eight ........................................................................................................................................ 34 Scene Nine ........................................................................................................................................ 35 Scene Ten .......................................................................................................................................... 36 Scene Eleven ..................................................................................................................................... 37 Scene Twelve .................................................................................................................................... 39 Scene Thirteen .................................................................................................................................. 40 Scene Fourteen ................................................................................................................................. 41 Scene Fifteen..................................................................................................................................... 42 Scene Sixteen .................................................................................................................................... 43

Introduction
Welcome to The AnswerBank's first collection of nonsense. Here we hope to present a collection of silliness from within the hallowed halls of The AnswerBank. As you're probably well aware the AnswerBank is a great place for asking questions and receiving answers, but it is also a superb place for very silly people to gather and let off steam. It's well known that "letting off steam" is good for the soul and, while trepanning is supposed to be the most direct method, the next best thing is humour. Lacking any sense of humour whatsoever we settled on the third best way to "let off steam": creating a cult on the internet. So here we have the First Book of The AnswerBank - a collection of rites, discussions and poesy of The First Church of The AnswerBank (copyright, trademarked and persecution pending). The whole idea kicked off with a very silly post by Venator entitled: The Apotheosis of AB Ed What followed was a great scrambling to man the oars of this ingenious ship of silliness, soon the thread escalated to 600 posts - and now, this e-book! We'd like to do more of this in the future. So if you think you've got a great idea which has its roots firmly groping that special kind of English nonsense we're so fond of in The AnswerBank please feel free to get in touch. I'm always happy to listen to Nonsense!

All the best,

AB Editor

The Apotheosis
Venator: I proclaim a great revelation to all those who turn to AB in their search for truth. We have seen how AB Ed watches over us from afar; how he speaks words of wisdom for our guidance; how he brings peace when there is disagreement; how he punishes the transgressors, striking out their words or consigning them to forgetfulness. These are divine attributes, and we should humbly recognise his apotheosis. The time has come for AnswerBank to assume its rightful place as the First Church of AnswerBank. We must make offerings to Ed, through the medium of PayPal. As the first disciple, you will wish me to share some part of your offerings. We shall of course be persecuted, and must defend our Human Rights to the full extent of the State funding which is available to this persecuted minority. The solicitors among Ed's flock will doubtless feel the call. We must spend many hours in formulating our creed. To aid this vital process, I suggest discussion of these propositions: 1. That we wear religious costume with optional face coverings. 2. That we follow our Rastafarian brothers and allow the use of herbal aids to clear thought. 3. Also, like our Sikh brothers, shall we carry concealed weapons if we wish? 4. We shall need to have several periods during working hours each day for communication with our church, and employers shall make special facilities available for this purpose. 5. We shall require at least 30 special holidays each year, meditating before our computers and consuming special liquids.

All Praise Be To Ed!

Concerns of the Faithful


Once the proclamation of the greatness of the First Church of The AnswerBank is announced the faithful flock and make known their concerns about the fledgling religion. RATTER15: Do we also have to crucify anybody that does subscribe to AB? I'm not sure if I got enough time to fully commit to all that crucifying!! Would we have to wear weird clothing? Or could we all be naturalists? I think you could be on to something! Albaqwerty: Do we have to attend a ceremony on a certain day of the week and bring offerings? Boxtops: What we bring must, of course, be in no larger than 10ml bottles and contained in a sealable plastic bag with a volume of not more than 1 litre. Mamyalynne: Do we get a heating allowance too? Craft1948: He's not really an AB Ed... he's just a very naughty boy.

The Honoured are Chosen


And so, Venator having made the case of the First Church of The AnswerBank clear to the newly converted the church set about forming itself offering positions of note and power. Venator: It's good to see that we are discussing our creed already. Boxtops, would you like to be our first convert. Boxtops: Venator, can Rowanwitch be our Poet Laureate please? Venator: Rowan - you are hereby appointed Poet Laureate in residence to the First Church of Answerbank! Boxtops - would you like to be High Priestess? It may involve wearing little more than the pointy red hat during ceremonies, but we may provide a scarf if there is frost on the ground. And after much more silliness, the first apostles were named:

He Who Hath Seenth The Lighteth Of Our Lordeth: Venator (Who Hath Not a Lisp-eth) High Priestess With A Step-Laddereth: Boxtops Gifted in The Arte of Pomes and Dittes: Poet Laureate Rowanwitch Crospostle, Cruiciverbalist & Co-Bard: DTcrosswordfan Modpostle & Official Absorber of Cake, Consumer of Pastry and Ingester of Trifle: B00 Prophet Who Hath Yet To Prophesise Anything-eth But Sayeth "There's Bound To Be One Along Shortlyeth": Starbuckone Trollfinder General: Jackthehat They Who Hath Maybe An Innuendo In Their Pocket Or Are Perhaps Just Happy To Seeth Our Lord, Smutpostles: Sallabannas & McMouse Obligatory Virgin/Choir Boy: Sunny-Dave Recycled Virgin Extraordinaire: Askyourgran

Introduction to the Discussions


As anyone who has started their own religion from a thread on a question and answer site will tell you: "There's a lot to sort out". Most churches set about nailing proclamations to doors or nailing people to wooden crosses. As we didn't have any nails we instead set about deciding on our rites, practices and rules. This is what you will find in front of you on the following pages.

On Virgins and Bananas (Virgin on the Ridiculous)


Like most major religions the first port of call was to attempt to tell people what they can and can't do with their bodies, and specifically, how we felt about virginity. As such the daily sacrifice of bananas and, on occasions where bananas were no available, virgins, was an easy call to make. High Priestess Boxtop Takes The Floor Boxtops: I think we need to reconsider these virgins, what purpose will they serve in our set-up? We could always offer a virgin re-creation service; I believe it can be done... hmm... Venator: I thought we might sacrifice them on special occasions to save on bananas? DTcrosswordfan: Agree there. The re-creation of virgins - should Rowan and I compose hymens for that, sorry - hymns? AskYourGran: Just thought you'd like to know that I am a re-cycled virgin. But I do not wish to put myself forward for any ritualistic stuff, however if you can persuade George Clooney to join I may reconsider. Nibble: All Hail to the miraculous all-recidivist efforts from Our benighted Ed, (health & youth be heaped upon Him - in all his guises)... AB Editor: AYG, I can't offer George Clooney, but we could organize a bus-trip to Offord Clooney, I think they've got a nice church and there might be a cake shop?

More on the Importance of Bananas


Aside from the excellent health benefits awarded by eating bananas (such as seeing around corners, being better at tennis and making you taller) there is also a significance of the waxy-skinned fruit in within the creed of The First Church of AnswerBank. As such there was a remarkable degree of interest in the divinely curved fruit and rituals began to grow around it. Note: It is strongly refuted, with red faces, that there is a link between the curve of a banana and The Angle of the Midlands.

Venator: Ab Editor is in consultation with the Gnomes of Zurich and the Elves in the Black Forest to conclude a Treaty, under the terms of which, all horizontally challenged supernatural creatures will be entitled to free bananas. A referendum of the members of Answerbank is being rigged. Boxtops: I have partaken of the dawn banana, I'm now fit to face the second month! Venator: Your religious observation does you credit - I too had my banana, with a couple of rounds of homemade bread, at around 6.30 Venator: There can be no discrimination in our congregation. Whether your banana is straight or bent is a matter for each individual. Zeuhl: What's the position on male circumcision? Jno: "Legs crossed" is the usual.

DTcrosswordfan (Crospostle, Cruiciverbalist & Co-Bard) Takes To The Floor To Present His Most Magnificent Re-versioned Poem on the Subject of Bananas: "Have You No Bananas?"

"Have You No Bananas?" (With Thanks To Rudyard Kipling)

Have you no Bananas, AB townsfolk all? "Nay, but Ed has them certainly. "We buy them off the Internet, with the venator-marrows "And the Suspended of our own country, "(From the trollers of our own country.)" Those are not Bananas, AB townsfolk all. (Plantains from AB Poundland maybe!) For the true are red and gold, and they fill no Boxie's hold, But flourish in a Rowan country, (That Folk go far to see.) Their stiff Boos point the nooning down, AB townsfolk all, Or rear against the Seadoggs off the sea; Or Ratter and Mamya again, through the curtains of the Jayne That Lady A's estates let free(Bellying 'twixt the Sara and Naomi). Chaffinches inhabit there, AB townsfolk alljewelled ABers no bigger than dr b; And the feline Lie-in-Kings plane and settle, flare and rise, Through the low-arched greenery, (That is Mamya and Mollie of the sea.) The Jenna works and whispers there, AB townsfolk all, AB Day and night in fecundity, That the Banana and the Snake lie open and awake, As it was by Nungate Tree, (When the First Moonie slithered over TTFN)... But you must go to business, AB townsfolk all, By Buenchico train, tram and tube must flee! For your DaisyNonnas and Abanas do not include Bananas (And NoM wine is a magnum to drink of, AB townfolk all), Which leaves the more for me!

On Head-Gear
Funny hats are the sign of any real religion. To add legitimacy to the Rites and Doctrine of the Creed of our most Holy Church the First Church of The AnswerBank a discussion ensured as to the nature of head-gear was required.

Venator: Perhaps Ed's dinky red hat would be a suitable starting point?

A later suggestion is made, again by Venator: Where can I get a pointy hat like Ed's? Of course, Christmas is coming - I can just cut off the fur trimmings from my Santa hat!

Note: Some believe this is to signify the rejection of the modern commoditized Santa; cutting back to simpler times. Many more however know that this is simply the best way to produce a red-pointyhat/fluffy beard combo on the cheap.

Askyourgran: Re: the face covering, am I allowed to keep my crown? Or will it look a bit tacky in church? I have to confess that my concealed weapon consists of a hatpin, and the herbal aid is an Olbas Oil inhaler at the moment (feeling a bit sniffy). Virgin wise I can't help much except that I'm halfway there to being re-cycled. That's about the gist of it, but it's the thought that counts. I'd like to have the first two weeks in August off for the special holiday. Praise be to Ab Editor.

Poet Laureate Rowanwitch (Who is Gifted in The Arte of Pomes and Dittes) offers a composition on the use and wearing of headgear:

On Headgear

Oh true believer in piety aspire To the hat of scarlet for to wear In true devotion Emulate The mighty Ed in holy state

Oh true believer cast your crowns As a tawdry vanity Exception though for ask your gran For it seems such a part of she

The only thing with Gnomish hats Despite their holy red The shape of them only works well If you have a pointy head

On Politics (Should The First Church Of The AnswerBank Take Over The Running Of The European Union?)
A discussion on the merits of the EU being turned into a benevolent theocracy run by The AnswerBank.

Venator: We have a more credible leader in Ab Editor who has been in power without a whiff of scandal or financial mismanagement.

Ab Editor for President!!

DTcrosswordfan: Possibly a step too far - separation of Church and State is recommended. Take Iran as a model... Ayatollah Gnome Ed?

Rowanwitch: Being small he would be a Lowatollah I believe however that we have enough expertise to form a replacement government for Greece... and the weather over there is a bit of an attraction... We will need a group of lower order priestesses for the sole task of lying on loungers and going brown... I am sure there will be volunteers

Poet Laureate of The First Church of AnswerBank presents a composition on the nature of a new AnswerBank Theocracy taking place of the Greek Government:

On Governance

The Governing of the land of Ed Will be by a committee Meetings will be regular But really rather wittee The Minister for Justice That's Barmaid to those who know Will deal with dodgy characters And punish them you know The minister for fisheries Will catch some sacred eels Then put them in a video If that's the way he feels The secretary for idleness We won't need one for Work Will guide us into the true path His duties he won't shirk The minister for smuttiness Will turn up once a week The minister from finance Will do it like a greek The head of education MarkRae to those of faith Will ensure our holy minutes Have apothtoffees in plaith The minister for health Will give us sage advice On ibuprofen and band aids And as a bonus Vice We will have a representative From the sacred side Priestess boxtops will attend On rules of faith preside We won't raise funds with taxes As that gives the people grief We'll make money hiring out Craftys old false teeth

We could have made more money By selling AB cake But Boo and the modpostles Eat every bit we make But this goverment is powerless In this pseuedo democracy For we are just the figure heads In Ab Eds Theocracy

A missionary returns! He enlightens us to his findings:

Nibble: All hail to all! I return from the land of the Square-headed, attempting to further our cause, (all hail the Ed), and have found little uptake. Methinks, maybe we're too advanced for this week in Eurozone, and have to be wary of their pope?

Closing Statement from DTcrosswordfan: So were gonna start our own religion The religion of the Ed ABers playing in the dirt; Moonie romping in the fields till the cows come home; Mamya's cherry pie not eaten but taken to a sick neighbor; saying Hic for the NoM wine we have; not what we dont.

It Is Suggested A Monumental Erection Be Formed

In honour of the First Church of AnswerBank's creation it is proposed an erection is formed.

Rowanwitch: I have run out of bananas so may have to resort to a very holy cadbury flake... for did not the most Blessed Ed say "pursue ye the williness" ... Or was that Cynthia Payne? I forget, it's been a heavy week Barding.

Boxtops: Rowan, I approve it has the correct amount of williness!!

DTcrosswordfan: I suggest that Venator and I erect an honour to williness. The Lord AB Editor, praise be to him, will be most delighted to have a twenty foot priapus in his garden.

Nibble: I'll hire the scaffolding... (If required).

DTcrosswordfan: We won't ask about the helmets, Nibble. I knew a man who wore the wrong sort of helmet when he was a youngster and it remoulded the shape of his head.

Rowanwitch: I think the giant willy should be our totem pole... And we should light fires and cook many sausages (barbecue sauce optional). By the way there is an excellent stall at the German market this year selling all manner of gnome idols in many forms of dress and colour... Such a glorious array of AB Editor Sculpture that I was awestruck... and wanted to fall to my knees praising... Redman would have been mortified though.

Venator: This will be a mighty project to rival the Angel of the North! There will be pilgrims from all parts of the world, and beyond wanting to bow down before this monumental erection! Gird your loins, sharpen your bananas and anoint your bratwursts with barbecue sauce!

Rowanwitch: I wonder if Mr Gormley could make us a willy.... if it was bent and located in Northampton it could be the Angle of the Midlands.

And so it came to pass that the Angle of the Midlands was commissioned.

In Praise
Like all good religions there are plenty of thanks to be paid to a deity up-high. We've provided our favourites below. Poet Laureate Rowanwitch offers the following praise:

To Our Editor Who Art Above Us

Ed like a magpie perched on the bough How did he get there Fluff knows how

High in the leaves All you see is his hat Climbed up to rescue Boo's new cat

Ed in the oak tree Where the wind blows Avoiding being mobbed By a murder of crows

Ed in the branches High above the town Ok bring the ladder back I want to get down

DtCrosswordFan offers praise in the form of a re-versioning of Keats: Honour to our praiseworthy Apostolic Gnome (Cheers Keats!) Our heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains Our senses, as though of tailcock we had drunk, Or emptied some dull opiate to the Castle drains One minute past, and Lie-in-King had sunk: Tis not through envy of thy happy lot, But being too happy in thine happiness, That thou, light-winged Mamya of the trees, In some melodious plot Of Naomi green, and AB Chucks numberless, Singest of summer in B00-throated ease. O, for Ratters vintage! that hath been Coold a long age in the deep-delved earth, Tasting of Craftie and the country green, Dance, and Boxtops song, and Slinky mirth! O for a beaker full of Sunny-Dave South, Full of the true, the blushful Carakeel-cream, With beaded Nungate winking at the brim, And purple-stained mouth; That we may drink, and leave the world unseen, And with thee fade away into the forest dim: Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget What thou among the leaves hast never known, The Seekeerz, the fever, and the fret Here, AB men sit and hear each other groan; Where Murray shakes a few, Sqad, last gray hairs, Where youth grows pale, and postdog-thin, and dies; Where but to think is to be full of sorrow And Venator-eyed despairs, Where Jogger Jayne cannot keep her lustrous eyes, Or new Love pine at them beyond to-morrow, Away! away! for we will fly to thee, Not charioted by PolarBear and her pards, But on the viewless wings of Poesy, Though the Miss Meg perplexes and retards: Already with thee! tender is the night, And haply the Lady Alex is on her throne, Clusterd around by all her starry Fays; But here there is no light, Save what from heaven is with the Bakers blown Through Ankou glooms and winding Gitty ways.

We cannot see what Daisy Nonnas are at our feet, Nor Flip-the-Switch hangs upon the boughs, But, in Rowan darkness, guess each sweet Wherewith the seasonable month endows The TonyV, the thicket, and the Jack-Hat wild; White hawthorn, and D97 eglantine; Fast fading Nibble coverd up in leaves; And AYGs eldest child, The coming Ena, full of Moonie wine, The murmurous haunt of flies on summer eves. Forlorn! Venators word is like a bell To toil us back from Ed-land to ourselves! Adieu! the Delphians cheat so well As they famd to do, deceiving all AB elves. Adieu! adieu! our plaintive anthem fades To Apotheosis, over the still stream, Up AB hill-side; and now tis buried deep In the suspension-glades: Was it a vision, or a waking dream? Fled that music:Do we wake, praise or sleep?

The Pantomime!
(A Great Tale Of Woe & Tragedy, Also Known By The Names Of Little Ed Reading Hood, Golden-EdSocks And The Three Trolls, The Lie-in-king... The Rowanwitch And The Wardgnome etc)

Scene One
An office with lots of computer screens... Gnomes sitting in front of them, working away, singing: We're busy being busy Trying our best for you Hoping to answer a lot of stuff woo-hoo! Were busy being busy keeping the site on line We'd like to go for muffins but... Boo eats them all the time To keep the posters merry They're often a stroppy bunch oh well hi ho... Mercia's providing lunch We're busy being busy It is what gnomes must do Hoping to spot a sneaky troll or two We're busy being busy so Ed gets a chance to say Well done well done and let us out to play.

Cut to large screen with red lights flashing... Alert! Alert! Incoming message: "Oh Ed someone has spotted a banned poster who has rejoined" Ed strides up to the front of the sage and sings (oh Sole mio) AB Editor: Oh Troll amigo No friend to me You are to be zapped Eternally Today..... your time has come To be removed and ...(presses large red button) Kaboom! you're gone

Oh Troll we see you We know that you Were a nudgescuffler - we warned you too Tomorrow will be too late Now go and others will know your fate...

A pretty girl gnome, silky beard bit of lace around pointy hat, brings in a tea tray filled with cakes:

Tea for two and then at three four o'clock we stop for tea If you like we stop at five as well Cos it makes it pleasant...see Lots of cakes and buns for tea Oh how happy we who work fr'AB

The door opens and in walks Modpostle B00:

I see cake before I go to sleep and focus on the cake that's been I realise it's there in my fridge and I can't resist it Oooh she's here again....the girl with the cake on her cart....oooh, she's here again and I want a bun and a tart

Tries to steal the trolley a food fight ensues lots of flan flinging

End of Scene

Scene Two
A dark and dank space under a bridge a group of ugly trolls sit chewing old bones

Troll One: (To the tune of "nobody knows the trouble I've seen") Nobody know the trouble I cause... nobody know but Jack does Nobody knows the posters I've been Nobody knows but Jack does

Troll Two: (To the tune of "I don't know how to love him") I don't know how to stay there How to post without showing I can Choose...another name But in the end it seems Despite my schemes She watches out and knows She always knows

Troll Three: I thought I'd go there Monday To wind up those who knew me But it's a game They know my name And I've tried so many names before They are no real disguise They spot us guys...

Troll One: We need some help...there must be some amid the banned and disillusioned who believe in us still

(To the Tune of "I Want To Break Free") I want to break in...I want to break into this site Ruin every night on AB I want to break in God knows... somehow I've got to break in I've so much to say...I've got so much to say that a normal site days not enough For all of my stuff I've so much to post And I want to break in

Troll Three: We need to find a way that won't alert the guard dogs...

Troll Two: Maybe if we picked user names that were really different and posted sensibly for a while...

Troll Three: (To the Tune of "I Shot The Sherriff") Where's the fun in that I want the chaos... but I don't want someone spotting me I want the rowing... but I just don't want it pinned on me People will begin to fight If I stay around They all have the appetite For a row that's begun by me Oh yeah... I'll do it sneakily...

End of Scene

Scene Three
A pond up north (To the tune of "Gone Fishin'") Gone fishin' I can't go on AB Gone fishin' because they have banned me Gone fishin' I posted too much spam Gone fishin' ...to be back...I'm just a wishin' To bingo...I need something to do To bingo To win a bob or two To Bingo I didn't have a clue Gone bingo 'cos no video to do So fishin' instead of dirt I'm dishin'

Troll One pokes his head through the reeds Troll One: Oh is that you Doctor... thought it was.... Fancy getting involved in a little trouble... Troll Two emerges from pond with a duck on his head. The Doctor puts his hand in his fishing bag and gets out a bottle of rum The Doctor: Go on...

Troll One: (To the tune of "Greensleeves") Alas old friend they did you wrong To cast you out when you love AB You have both laboured hard and long To delight them with video we can see Doctor you need revenge Doctor come join the fight Doctor they will let you back Because they think you good company

The Doctor: I have been thinking though find it hard About my role's lack of empathy I've tried to see where I might offend but I'm a blunt bloke and I cannot see If changing would make much good How changing would make it right But I won't join in your battle boys I'll just have a fag I'm not in your fight

The trolls look perplexed: mumbles of "who's next on the list?" they sink into the pond and disappear. End of Scene

Scene Four: Cake Crossed Lovers


The Gnome Office at AB Towers, the gnomes sing: Good morning good morning...we've worked the whole night through Good morning good morning to you Good morning Good morning We've banned a troll or two Good morning good morning to you... Spare Ed wanders in holding an extra large coffee... Spare Ed: (To the Tune of "Witchita Lineman") I'm on duty 'til the evening and I've got a bad cold Waiting by my screen for another overload And I need this fix of caffeine and I'll need to carry on I've got a dozen emails from Viv and or Ron Tea pixie wanders through with the trolley to be surrounded by hoard of hungry gnomes. Shouts of "who's grabbed my crumpet" and "nice buns..." ensue. She moves sheepishly (Down Mooney) towards Spare Ed.

Tea Pixie: (To the tune of 'Scarborough Fair") Would you like a strawberry tart... Wouldn't ask but you seem so down Remember there's a cake for you here... If you want it any old time Thank you I'll have it later I think Nice of you to bring it to me There's many here who fancied it first You are really terribly kind

She blushes and turns to the Audience (are you listening boys and girls?)

How to tell him how I do feel With his hat so noble and fine When he slays trolls My heart misses a beat How I wish that spare Ed was mine...

She wanders out pushing her empty trolley. Spare Ed looks at the cake. That was nice she's awfully kind Don't know if she will work here for long Someone must have stolen her heart And mine must pine while I stay alone... End of Scene

Scene Five
A house somewhere... anonymous, a woman sits in front of a screen scanning the text. The Trollfinder General (for it is she): (With apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan) I am the very model of an IT Trollfinder general My expertise phenomenal be they post as man or animal I get them every time indeed my art is most phenomenal I am the very model of the best troll finder general (Pause) aah got you! ...I recognise your style The Trollfinder General types a quick message before the search is resumed.

Scene Six
A cake shop somewhere in the UK, staff singing: (To the tune of "16 tons") I'll have just 16 buns oh and in case I forget Box me some donuts and some muffins and yet I'll have 16 buns and then some more I 'll have some gateaux and be out of your door

The Modpostle B00 takes her purchases and is heading for the bus when she is confronted by a woman in a plastic mac. Woman in Plastic Mac: I'm the crazy cake woman who no one dares to mention I steal your buns your muffins and macaroons without exemption I take them home and stuff them all And there is no prevention 'Cos the way it seems I'm saving you a weigh in full of tension Stand and deliver your patisserie or your life I'll try a donut cos the gateux needs a knife Even though you love these cakes Your conscience will be clear wah wah da didddly wah wah etc So stand and deliver...your muffins or your life...uh

Modpostle B00 prepares to fight Modpostle B00: I know who you are! You're- roll of drums "dah dah dah!" melodramatic music as played before villain is revealed!

End of Scene

Scene Seven
Under the troll bridge (To the tune of "Vindaloo") Will not do...will not doo Will not do, Will not doo will not do ooo We are sick of being exiles It really will not do It s sad but true, sad but true just won't do just a big heap of poo-oo We need to... find a way back And we all must do it too They sit in a huddle with odd mutters of ... Clique... Biddies... Jack the (bleep bleep bleep)

Finally Troll One stands up and tells them (To the tune of "I Want to Break Free) We need to break in We need to break in We need to upset all their plans In the best way we can and you see We have to be free I've got an idea.. I've got an idea for the first time This time I know it 's a plan I've got an idea Ed knows...I've got an idea We turn up in masks We go there in masks just like redman Like V for vendetta you see They won't know it's me I'm gonna get free Once we are inside Once we are inside for the first time it's time to do what we need Cause chaos indeed

Inside... We can get inside

Troll One shouts: Get down to St. Pauls lads and steal some masks from the protestors, If they believe in their cause why do they need to hide their faces....

They scurry out

End of Scene

Scene Eight
The Enchanted forest. Tea Pixie sits by a stream. Tea Pixie: How can I be sure... he's a gnome and I can't see him changing How can I be sure where I stand with spare I wonder why...I wonder why I want him so My constant cry is I just want to love him though Maybe I'm just fooling myself And he thinks I'm only an elf Maybe I will never make him see me so.... How can I make spare See me as a date worth arranging How can I make sure? He wants me for his own...

She looks up to see a figure sitting on a tree stump nearby Fairy Godmother (for it is she): Hello little pixie Tea Pixie: Who are you? Fairy Godmother: I am your fairy godmother and I want to help you Tea Pixie: But I don't think he's even noticed me... Fairy Godmother: Well... perhaps we need some magic then... and some socks appeal come with me to my cottage and we'll see what we can do...

End of Scene

Scene Nine
Spare Ed sitting at a desk Spare Ed: (To the tune of "Sweet Molly Malone (aka The Tart with the Cart)") In gnomelands fair city there's a pixie so pretty I can't get my mind off that pixie at all As she wheels her tea trolley My heart goes oh golly Its muffins and crumpets and she doesn't know Sponge and gateaux sponge and gateaux she's sweeter than sugar but she doesn't know I don't know her name and I need her phone number I want to hold her and not be alone But I go pink and blushy and feel oh so slushy When she calls muffins and teacakes And fairy cakes though

An email comes on screen claiming there is a delegation of AB'ers in reception... AB Editor is going down to meet them leaving Spare to look after the office... He hits the shut down button and walks out... sighing... End of Scene

Scene Ten
In the reception area of AB Towers. AB Editor stands at the door a group of trolls in v for vendetta masks in front. AB Editor: Go away little trolls... It's annoying me more each minute that you delay When you come here like this... I just have to resist Go away little trolls before I ruin your day

Troll One: Oh little gnome, oh little gnome How tiny are your chances There's a crowd of us So without fuss We take over and our stance is You can stay here as our slave Or if you choose to be too brave Oh little gnome oh little gnome I do not rate your chances

With that they through a large Santa sack over his head and bundle him out of the door.

Right lads... onwards and upwards Let's take over this tower! End of Scene

Scene Eleven
The Gnome Office, the Spare Ed has watched events unfolding on cctv: Spare Ed: Right folks! Grab as much gear as you can and go down the back passage... I will try to hold them off as long as I can... He bolts and barricades the doors and reaches for a paper knife. Shouts from the corridor. Spare Ed: Someone's knocking on the door...somebody's planning on hell somebody's trying and what's more somebody's starting to yell should I surrender... and let them in.... Someone's beating down the door...someone's tryin' to break in I'm just trying to ignore but they will soon just get in It would be best if I just run... Think its nasty... might be wrong Trolls are hasty before long I'll have to surrender... Oh yeah and let 'em in.... Outside the door the trolls are getting impatient lets talk about mess bay be Lets talk about troll and me Lets talk about all the fun things and the evil that can be Lets talk about it lets talk about mess

Troll Chorus: Lets post lots of rudeness here offend all and swear Think about all the insults and the fighting And its clear We're making a mess

Spare looks round at the back door of the office to see tea pixie with her trolley

Spare Ed: What are you doing here? Tea-Pixie: I thought you might like a few cakes to give you strength Spare looks at her with gratitude.

Spare Ed: You have given me an idea... There's a way for us To save this place for us But I will need you to be brave So we can save the day

There is time enough To win though it is tough We can see off these trolls and then Start AB again She joins in Tell me what to do And then it's me and you Against the trolls that are just outside We can win... I feel inside Somehow....we'll find a way of defeating These monsters and Its worth repeatin' Someway...somehow...somewhere....

End of Scene

Scene Twelve
The trolls in the control room. The Spare Ed quietly removes the barricades, unlocks the door and scarpers down the back passage. The trolls enter and realise they're in control. Troll One: 'we're in..' Troll Two: What do we do first? Troll Three: Switch off the swear filter Troll One: Done... Troll Two: Are you sure? looks like it's still on? Troll One: No its off! They are so used to being filtered they are using the substations themselves, the Salad chefs! Ok now what? Troll One: What'll I do now I am in control? I am not sure what'll I do I used to dream of when this day would come But now oh bum what'll I do? I thought that I would make A total wreck And lead the others too Wrecking this site Would fill me with delight But I feel blue What'll I do He picks up a well thumbed copy of Gnomessess with Gnockers and flicks through it morosely. End of Scene

Scene Thirteen
(In which we are spared dreadful versions of well known songs) A bar near AB Towers. Spare Ed: We need a distraction... so Welshy and Moony you two are the Bo-peep sisters (Baaarbarra and Maaaartha) the sheep know you so it makes it easier. And if a couple of the girls put on the Panto sheep suits to lead the flock into reception. Alba and Noraq, can you comply? Once you are in reception cause as much chaos as possible Then while they are distracted Pixie will take round a trolley of buns and tea laced with a potion hopefully most of them will eat without thinking while they are watching the antics downstairs. Chuck (for it is he) raises his hand. Chuck: Do we know where they are keeping the boss? Spare Ed: Not yet but they will tell us. Trolls always give the game away. They can't help it!

End of Scene

Scene Fourteen
Outside AB Towers. Moony and Welshy looking very fetching in their shepherdess frocks are waiting with their little flock. Noraq and Alba on all fours ready to lead the charge. Noraq starts giggling. Noraq: (With apologies to Ab-Baa baa) Knowing me knowing ewe. Ah-haa... There is something sad but true I'm a ewe and its true Ah-haaa... Brace yourself friends 'cos were going through Alba looks behind Albaqwerty: The boys have their crooks ready... let's go! Oi who bought these sheep... that one's a bloody ram! They surge forward through the doors an mill around 'aimlessly' knocking stuff over while the bo peeps try to round them up... Noraq: That ram reminds me of an old song. Albaqwerty: What one? Noraq: Love is a big sheep following me! Albaqwerty: Well don't let him get too close - these costumes are a bit too real for comfort...

End of Scene

Scene Fifteen

The Gnome Office Troll Three: What the..? Have you seen this... The trolls look on in amazement I don't believe my eyes are telling me lies I saw some sheep come in oh what a surprise Shoobydoo ay shooby doo wee There's lots of big sheep invading AB Troll One: I don't think much of the two shepherdesses though Keep recording it will be great for you tube! The Tea Pixie pushes her trolley into the control room. The trolls each take a cake, absentmindedly. Troll Two: I'll have an clair ta... Troll One: A fondant fancy for me... They continue to take cakes from the trolley. Within minutes the trolley is stripped bare and the trolls are slurping the last of the tea. The Tea Pixie goes down the front stairs to reception and opens the doors Tea Pixie: It's working! Give them 5 minutes and they will be snoring!

End of Scene

Scene Sixteen
In a small room off the Gnome Office the Spare Ed has the troll leader tied to a chair. Spare Ed: Ok. I'm not planning on being nasty right now, so tell me where Ed is and I will let you and your friends go unharmed! Troll One: No chance pointy head....while we have the main gnome we keep control Spare Ed: Ok let's start with something simple...what is your name? Troll One: Had so many I can't remember! Spare Ed: Perhaps I can persuade you: Pixie get Chuck to find the file! And get the sweetcorn thread on screen, and send in the team! They cruelly take turns in reading out the posts. By 50 the troll was, sweating. By a hundred he was gibbering. By 150 troll leader begged them to stop. Troll One: He's downstairs in the wheelie bin! Please stop! This torture! The Bo peeps run downstairs with a rustle of flouncy petticoats and return with a rather grubby and disgruntled Ed Spare Ed: What shall we do with them oh Great Ed? AB Editor: First of all release the minor trolls and hangers on. And thank you everyone I'm not sure how you managed to rescue me, and AB But well done all! The AB Editor now turns his attention to the troll leader.

Now troll leader. I hereby banish you and remember we will be alert to your schemes! And be aware that should you venture again into the hallowed towers, we have much more nonsense to punish you with! And also many awful jokes!

The cast walk to the front of the stage and take a bow to the tune of God Save The Queen Cast: Praise to the mighty Ed In his great hat of red Praise be to Ed he is set free and we Are singing merrily We have Normality Praise Be to Ed All hail the mighty Spare His courage and his powers Saved sacred AB towers Praise be to Spare With little Pixie he defeats the troll army Loud may this praising Be Praise be to Spare...

With this Spare steps forward to The Tea Pixie Spare Ed: Pixie... I've admired you from a distance... Wondered at your confectionary... I know I am a gnome and you are a pixie but would you like to have dinner with me Pixie leaps into his arms and kisses him The Tea Pixie: I'm not a real pixie you know... My parents were gnomes... TeaPixie is just my AB name... my real name isAB Editor: Now, now... No real names on AB!

The cast gather to sing the final goodbye: (With apologies to everybody) So long farewell Our pantomime is done Its at an end so tatty bye good friends So long.... good bye... gooooood bye....

Curtain falls. Cast have backstage party. Bard has lie down in darkened room.

Fin.

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