PICASSO FINGER PAINTING - SERIES 8 EPISODE 2 By TONY JORDAN TRANSCRIPT: A.B.

ADRIAN LESTER - MICKY STONE ROBERT GLENISTER - ASH MORGAN MATT DI ANGELO - SEAN KENNEDY KELLY ADAMS - EMMA KENNEDY ROBERT VAUGHN - ALBERT STROLLER ROB JARVIS - EDDIE

INT. DESERTED WAREHOUSE - AFTERNOON FADE IN. Were in a warehouse, but its a blurred b/g. Focus on ASHs face. Hes staring straight into the camera. ASH You know, one of the downsides to a life of crime is that occasionally you have to do business with people who are, um...Well, for want of a better word, criminals. And the camera suddenly rotates to reveal ASH hanging upside down from a rope tied around his ankles. ASH (CONTD) Like most things that end with you hanging upside down in a deserted warehouse, it started with a really good idea. Slide to: EXT. LONDON CITY - MORNING CLOSE UP of a newspaper, headline reading Picasso Painting Stolen from Private Collection. MICKY "A Small Cat In the Garden was painted by Pablo Picasso in 1903, in what was known as is blue period. It measures 12 inches by 11 inches and was stolen from a private collection in the early hours of Sunday morning." We have been zooming backwards from the headline to reveal EMMA, ASH, ALBERT, SEAN and MICKY - who was reading out the headline - sat on a bench in a quiet town square. ALBERT Mmmmm...Value? MICKY Its been insured for three million.

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CONTINUED: SEAN Wow. MICKY "Police say the gang was clearly experienced and well informed." ASH Meaning it was stolen to order. MICKY No question. ALBERT Is Mad Dolly still around? MICKY My thoughts exactly. EMMA Dolly Hammond, shes the best Picasso forger in London. Shes alright, but shes just a bit...erm... ALBERT Unique. ASH Yeah, shes a bit different, you know. MICKY Insane. ASH Yeah. No, shes a lovely old bird really, but, erm...she used to have the hots for Albie. SEAN Why would we need someone to forge a painting thats already been stolen? MICKY Well, because now its theft has already been reported. SEAN Collectors will believe you if you tell em youre trying to sell it. Its brilliant.

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MICKY Yes, it is. ASH Yes, it is. EMMA As always. Slide to: INT. DESERTED WAREHOUSE - AFTERNOON ASH - still tied upside down, hanging from the roof like a bat. ASH Well, potentially brilliant. Depending on who you try and sell the fake to. And heres a little tip should you ever find yourself trying to flog a fake Picasso... Zoom quickly to ASHs face. ASH (CONTD) Dont try and sell it to the bloke who the original was nicked from in the first place. Then; A gorgeous blue car drives into the warehouse, its engine blaring as it screeches round the corner and stops next to ASH. ASH (CONTD) Aye-aye. Here come the cavalry. EMMA belts out of the passenger seat, SEAN from the drivers and MICKY and ALBERT from the back seats. SEAN Ash! SEAN sprints over to a nearby roof stand, which has the other end of the rope tied around the base. SEAN pulls the rope over and over again and eventually loosens the knot. He unravels the knot.

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EMMA Gently, Sean, gently! ASH Oooooh! He is slowly lowered to the ground for SEAN is letting down the rope gradually. ALBERT Wheres Micky? ASH They pulled a gun on us. Petre Savas men have taken him. ALBERT What happened? ASH Well, its a very long story, but the upshot is the original was nicked from him in the first place. He wasnt happy at us telling him it was us who nicked it, and then trying to sell him a fake back instead of the real thing. INT. PETRE SAVAS HOUSE - MORNING An exhibition room. White walls and ceiling with many different framed paintings of Pablo Picasso, A Small Cat in the Garden in the center on its own white stand. Standing around the painting are MICKY, ASH and a man in a blue blazer with a rough beard, and a taller bloke with a grey blazer and matching trousers. The man with the beard (PETRE SAVA) picks up the painting in disgust. The taller man brings out a gun and holds it to ASH and MICKY. They both raise their hands in the air. Theres a gap on the wall. Both ASH and MICKY look at the camera with a well-that-didnt-work expression.

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PETRE SAVA This is NOT Picasso! This is not my painting! Slow motion. PETRE smashing the painting against the stand in anger. Slide to: INT. DESERTED WAREHOUSE - AFTERNOON ASH So Petre Sava is holding on to Micky till we deliver the real Picasso back to him. EMMA We havent got the real one. ASH No, I did mention that, and we argued for a bit, then he threatened a level of physical violence I wasnt comfortable with, so I backed down. INT. CAR PARK - AFTERNOON ASH (V.O) Hes given us six hours to find it. An almost empty car park level with only a few cars parked here and there. A cars headlights shine into view and a car drives into the car park and turns to a halt. Three men step out of the car - all wearing business suits and one of them pulls out MICKY whos been gagged. One of the men smiles as he opens the boot of one of the cars. The two other men are dragging him forward. He is thrown into the boot of the car.

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INT. DESERTED WAREHOUSE - AFTERNOON SEAN So what happens if we cant find the real painting? ASH Oh, he was very specific about that. Mickys a dead man. They all look down. They dont know what to do. INT. CAR PARK - AFTERNOON MICKY is in the car - still gagged - with the men looking down at him. They smile, and slam the boot door down. OPENING TITLES. EXT. LONDON CITY - AFTERNOON ASH is in a square of buildings. He walks forward to a man and shakes hands. Speaking indistinctly. CUT TO: SEAN walks forward to a man, too, and gives him a pat on the back. They speak indistinctly. INT. EDDIES BAR - AFTERNOON EMMA is sat alone in the booth, amongst many different newspapers. Shes ruffling her way through them. EXT. LONDON CITY - BRDIGE - AFTERNOON ALBERT is walking along a bridge. He takes the phone away from his ear and strikes the air in frustration. He leans on the railings, looking onto the water. Fade to:

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INT. EDDIES BAR - AFTERNOON EMMA now sat without the newspapers in the booth, looking into the distance, lost in thought. ASH fades in and fades out. He fades in and sits down. SEAN fades in and fades out. He fades in and sits down. ALBERT fades in and fades out. He fades in and sits down. EMMA So no-ones got anything? (pause) But thats impossible. ASH Well, its not a local crew. Someone would know if it was. ALBERT By now the real painting couldve been shipped out of the country. EMMA Yeah but come on, its weird that no-ones heard anything. ASH Or if they have, they dont want to share it. SEAN What about that Dolly the forger? Would she know? Well, if shes a Picasso freak, she might have heard something. ASH Well I suppose... EMMA Yeah. Yeah, yeah its worth a try. ALBERT Lets do it. INT. DOLLYS HOUSE - AFTERNOON DOLLY - a mad woman in her sixties/seventies; fuzzy ginger hair with pale looking skin; shes wearing a vintage blue dress.

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Her house looks like an art studio. Paint pallets in every direction; finished and unfinished paintings dotted about. The entire room is full of old fashioned lamps and ornaments. Her house certainly reflects her personality insane. DOLLY Cant find a decent thief these days, theyre all gangsters, theyve got no class. Not like you, Albert. Shes carrying in a tray of drinks. She walks through an enormous photo frame. ALBERT (politely) Thank you, Dolly. DOLLY Id string em all up. By the testicles. Leave them there for the crows to pick at. EMMA turns to what she thought was a sleeping cat. She strokes it and realizes it is in fact stuffed. She turns away awkwardly. DOLLY (CONTD) Feed whats left to the pigs, like we used to. ASH So youve no idea who stole the Picasso, Dolly? DOLLY (handing out the drinks) What Picasso? ASH A Small Cat In The Garden. DOLLY Youve had your copy, Ive already done it. ASH No, no, Im talking about the real one.

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DOLLY (about SEAN) Hes cute. SEAN smiles awkwardly. ASH Dolly, the painting, have you any idea who nicked it? DOLLY How would I know that? ASH Has no-one said anything to you? DOLLY Who? ASH Anyone. DOLLY Said what? ASH About the painting. DOLLY What painting? ASH The Picasso. DOLLY I dont know who nicked it. ASH Well, thats what Im asking, innit? DOLLY Ive told you. EMMA goes to pick up one of the drinks. DOLLY (CONTD) Who are YOU? EMMA ...Oh, Im Emma.

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DOLLY What are you doing in my house? EMMA Im with Albert. DOLLY (to ALBERT) This your floozy, is it? ALBERT No, no, no, no. Youre the only woman for me, Dolly. DOLLY Ohhh! (to EMMA) Aah...unlucky. EMMA smiles, its fine. ASH Dolly, do you know anything at all about the painting? Anything that might help us find out who nicked it? I mean, was there someone who really liked it? A private collector? Or did someone try and buy it before and failed? Anything. DOLLY I know where every Picasso in London is. (pause) I can smell them. (long pause) Except this one. They all sigh. ASH Dolly, look, is there any way you can track it down, you know? SEAN Whats the word on the street? DOLLY Do I look like Huggy Bear? ASH Dolly! We need to find it.

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DOLLY Ill see what I (points to he sings to me, (points to he snogs me.

can do, if... ALBERT) and... SEAN)

SEANs face instantly drops. ALBERT (singing) Hello Dolly, well, Hello Dolly. Its so nice to have you back where you belong! She laughs as ALBERT takes her hands. Now, all the attention is on SEAN. They all turn to him. SEAN Oh...no. He clears his throat. He wont do it. She stands, and walks over to him. Sinister music. SEAN (CONTD) No. Forget it. Its...its not happening. Jaws music. EMMA Sean, think about Micky. SEAN Forget Micky. EMMA Do it. SEAN I dont want to. EMMA Sean. He looks at DOLLY. She is on her knees, and her lips are tightened together, leaning over to SEAN. Jaws music gets more faster. She leans closer. (CONTINUED)

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He takes a deep breath. And kisses her quickly. But before he can lean back, DOLLY grabs his head and pulls it to her lips. A long, 5 second kiss!!! SEAN whimpers, clutching EMMAs arm. They all smile to themselves. She lets go of him. DOLLY Naughty! She chuckles and gets back up, leaving SEAN with a large lipstick mark on his own lips. Hes shell shocked. Back to casual music. ASH Well? DOLLY Erm...well, I should know in a couple of hours. Send him. SEAN sighs. They all get up, walk through the portrait frame and out of the room. Before ALBERT does, he blows her a kiss. She blows him one back, too. INT. CAR PARK - AFTERNOON The car park level. Only one car in shot. The silver car MICKYs in. INT. SILVER CAR - AFTERNOON MICKY is curled up inside, a piece of tape stuck over his mouth. Hes breathing heavily through his nose. What to do... Then, he kicks the boot with his foot. THUMP! And again. And once more. Then, the car alarm bleeps into life.

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INT. CAR PARK - AFTERNOON The cars lights are flashing orange, the alarming still whirring. But then. Silence. The alarm stops. Somebody has switched it off. INT. SILVER CAR - AFTERNOON MICKY sighs, plan failed. Slide to: EXT. LONDON CITY - AFTERNOON SEAN, EMMA, ASH and ALBERT walking down a large pathway. ASH Now, just in case Dolly draws a blank, wed better cover all the angles. Albert, use your police contacts, see if theyve got any leads on the robbery or any idea who it was. ALBERT Right. ASH Sean, take the car. See what else you can find out about Petre Sava. SEAN OK. EMMA What about us? ASH You and me will go and see Cyclops. Now arts not really his thing, but he might have heard something. INT. CORNER CAFE - AFTERNOON CYCLOPS - a chubby, scrawny haired man in his forties with big bulging glasses magnifying his eyes, and an unshaven face. His blond hair curls down to his shoulders. Generally scruffy. (CONTINUED)

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Hes eating a full English, scoffing it into his face greedily. CYCLOPS Ive got The Dogs Playing Snooker, if thats any good to you? Its a classic. I used to have The Bird On The Tennis Court Scratching Her Bum, but it got stiletto damage in a domestic dispute. Well, women dont really get art, do they? EMMA Is that right? CYCLOPS Yeah, well-known fact. Theyve not got no patience for it. Thats why all the major artists are all men. Women would never be able to finish anything. Theyd be halfway through The Laughing Cavalier, then theyd wander off and start colour-coding their shoe cupboard. ASH Look, can we get back to the matter in hand? CYCLOPS Which was? ASH A Small Cat In The Garden. The stolen Picasso. CYCLOPS Oh yeah. ASH So who nicked it? CYCLOPS Arts not really my thing. ASH I said that, didnt I? EMMA Yeah.

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CYCLOPS But I heard about it. ASH What? CYCLOPS I said I heard about it. ASH No, no, what did you hear? CYCLOPS That it was nicked. You want a chip? EMMA No, thank you. CYCLOPS Any chance of a date? EMMA None. CYCLOPS Sympathy shag? Think of it as charity work, its been a while. ASH Look, Cyclops, Mickys in trouble. Whatever you know, you need to tell me. CYCLOPS We havent haggled yet. EMMA What? Youre going to charge us? CYCLOPS Scuse me. This is still a capitalist society. EMMA I thought Micky was your mate. CYCLOPS Well, hes more of an acquaintance, really. But that said, Im willing to make a discount.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: ASH (digging into his pocket) How much? CYCLOPS Call it a nifty. OK. I cant tell if these things are related, but the day before the Picasso was nicked, a hardcore jock crew flew in. ASH Scottish? CYCLOPS The McCrary brothers. They took over a house in Westbridge Grove. Now, all I know about em is that they nick to order, anything you like, usually upmarket. Paintings, cars, antiques. I mean they could be here for something else, but...Its worth asking the question, innit?

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They get up from the table and leave CYCLOPS to continue with his food. EXT. MCCRARY HOUSE - AFTERNOON ASH and EMMA jump out of a taxi and cross the road. In front of them are grand, black gates. EMMA OK. What do you think? ASH Well, we could knock on the door, say "Och, aye, the noo," and ask em if theyve just nicked a Picasso. EMMA Its direct, to the point. But as we dont know who they are, I think its a little bit foolhardy. ASH Yeah, I know, thats what I like about it. He presses the gate buzzer.

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EMMA Ash? Voice from the box, Who is it? ASH Its Ash Morgan. I need to talk to you about the Picasso you just nicked. EMMA Have you lost your marbles? ASH Yeah. We havent got a lot of time. Whats the worst that could happen? EMMA They could kill us! ASH Yeah, well, then at least Micky would know we died trying. The gates slowly grind apart from each other and ASH and EMMA walk onto the long drive. The house is quite big, all the exterior chalk white. A man in jeans and a grey shirt comes from the door and walks towards them. Hes bald with a beard, and has a sinister look on him. ASH takes his hands out of his pocket, thinking the man is going for him, however he walks past them and onto the streets. GERALD MCRARY Youve got some bottle. GERALD - greasy black combed hair. Hes quite tall. Hes wearing a black top and trousers. Not expecting visitors. ASH Yeah, well, needs must, and all of that. GERALD MCRARY Well, in you come, then.

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ASH Thats very kind, but if its all the same to you, well stay out of here. GERALD MCRARY Fair play. ASH Trouble is, a very good friend of mine is being held by Petre Sava, the bloke you nicked the Picasso from. Now, its a long story but now he thinks weve got it. GERALD MCRARY And why would he think that? EMMA Because we told him we did. ASH Yeah, we were trying to sell him a fake. EMMA Were grifters. ASH Yeah its what we do. We read about the Picasso being nicked, so we had a copy made to sell to a private collector, one who wouldnt ask too many questions. GERALD MCRARY If theyd read about it being stolen, theyd believe it was real. EMMA Exactly. ASH Trouble is, the collector we took it to was the one youd nicked it from. EMMA Which he wasnt very happy about, as you can imagine.

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GERALD MCRARY Well, its a beautiful story, and I am getting all misty-eyed, but whats this got to do with us? ASH Well, err...If you give us the real Picasso, the one that you nicked from Sava, we can go and get our mate back. GERALD MCRARY Well, lets just say that we had this painting, not that Im saying that we do, you understand...But hes your friend, not ours. So whats in it for us? ASH Well, er, to be honest. I havent thought that bit through. What do you want? GERALD MCRARY Dont want anything. ASH Tell you what, 20 grand and Ill nick it straight back for you. GERALD laughs. GERALD MCRARY You know, just for the sheer brass neck of you, Im tempted to help you out. And I do love a grifter. Especially a pretty one. But its already been moved on. ASH Where? GERALD MCRARY Oh, I cant tell you that. ASH You have to. GERALD MCRARY Ash, is it?

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ASH Yeah. GERALD MCRARY Ash... He walks forward till hes only a few centimeters away from ASH himself. He looks into his eyes. GERALD MCRARY (CONTD) I cant do it, son. Weve worked years to build up a reputation based on complete discretion. I cant piss that up the wall for a couple of grifters. So my lips are sealed. ASH Alright, what if I threatened to beat it out of you? GERALD MCRARY Then I would respect that. And me and my brother Neil here, would defend ourselves as best we could, by ripping your head from the rest of your body and eating it. ASH Fair enough, just asking. GERALD MCRARY (smiles) You have a nice day. ASH and EMMA turn and walk past the bald brother who peers down at them with his usual sinister face. INT. EDDIES BAR - AFTERNOON ZOOM BACK to reveal EMMA, SHAUN and ALBERT sat in their regular booth thinking over the situation. ASH is leaning against the scarlet wall, deep in thought. ALBERT So, looks like were back to square one. EMMA No, not exactly, now we know who stole it.

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ASH Yeah, but not who for. EMMA We still dont know where it is. SEAN Any news from the Old Bill, Albert? ALBERT It seems we know more than they do. EMMA What if the McCrary brothers havent delivered it yet? We could just watch the house and wait for them to make a move, right? ASH What if theyre delivering it tomorrow or next week? Weve only got four hours left. EMMA What about Petre Sava? SEAN Well, I did some digging about, like you said. Micky was right about him being a high-end art collector. His private collection would rival most European galleries. The last we knew, he owned half a dozen nightclubs in London, se he was bound to be a bit dodgy. ASH Well, thats a good thing. SEAN Yeah. Unti you find out how dodgy. Human trafficking... ALBERT Aah. SEAN ...Class A drug distribution and a protection racket that started in Romania, and has now spread over eight European cities. We need to get Micky out of there.

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EXT. LONDON CITY - AFTERNOON Various shots of London buildings. Birds eye views. INT. PETRE SAVAS HOUSE - MORNING A snooker table. PETRE is at the furthest side. He shoots and the balls diffuse across the table. PETRE SAVA So what did you do with the black guy? BOGDAN - the man who smuggled MICKY into the car. His face looks carved from wood, no expression at all. His eyes are squinted and he always looks straight ahead. He slightly speaks with a German accent; BOGDAN Hes in the boot of my car. PETRE SAVA Can he breathe? BOGDAN Sure. At least I think so. PETRE clicks his fingers and BOGDAN lifts a glass bowl and brings it over to him. PETRE SAVA If they dont bring me my painting, you think we should kill him, or just cut some bits off? Hes staring at the blank space on his wall. Many other paintings are nailed to the wall except for that one. PETRE SAVA (CONTD) Or both? BOGDAN Both is good. He takes the cigar from the bowl and smokes it easily. PETRE SAVA They dont cut people up too much in the West, you know. They dont kill them very much, either. They "beat up". But if you just beat up, (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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PETRE SAVA (contd) they get better, they find some friends, and then they come back. (smokes) If you cut bits off and post them to their friends, this doesnt happen. BOGDAN No. Its more efficient. PETRE SAVA Exactly. So, both it is. He takes hold of the snooker stick and aims. PETRE SAVA (CONTD) You cut. I kill. And he smacks it into the ball which sends the others in different directions. INT. SILVER CAR - AFTERNOON MICKYs lying bundled up still. Hes thinking of what to do. He starts kicking and shuffling around, trying to swap sides. He struggles but eventually has his hands aside a torch lying in the corner of the boot. He takes it with his tied up hands and presses it on. INT. EDDIES BAR - AFTERNOON EDDIE walks over to the booth with food. EDDIE Wheres Micky? EMMA Hes being held hostage by a Romanian gangster who wont release him until we find a painting of a cat in a garden. EDDIE (laughing) Yeah, right, yeah. You crack me up, you lot. Very vivid imaginations, as my mum used to say. Mind you, (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: EDDIE (contd) probably need them in your line of work. ASH Cheers, Eddie. Look, give us a couple of minutes, will you? Were thinking? EDDIE I thought I could hear something (he chuckles) Oh, you had a phone call. Nice lady...Molly? ASH Dolly. EDDIE Dolly. Thats it. She said shes got what you want, only you have to send the cute one, whatever that means. They all turn to SEAN, who sighs. SEAN No way. Oh...no way. ASH leans on the table, staring at SEAN. SEAN (CONTD) No... INT. DOLLYS HOUSE - AFTERNOON INTERCUT. SEAN ...way. Jazz music in the b/g. DOLLY Ta-daa!

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In comes DOLLY, dressed in the most ridiculous clothing. The brightest blue dress your eyes could handle with a long bandanna wrapped around her forehead, also blue. Insane. Shes holding two drinks. She sits cozily next to SEAN.

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DOLLY (CONTD) I didnt know if you liked red or white, so I brought one of each. SEAN Oh. He takes the white wine and they bring their drinks together. Fix on DOLLYs glass of wine, being placed on the table as she chuckles childishly. Blur to: INT. EDDIES BAR - AFTERNOON SEAN is covered in lipstick. His hair is ruffled and messy and his top button is un-done. Hes staring into nowhere, shell shocked. SEAN It was horrible. ASH So, did you actually have to? SEAN I dont want to talk about it. EMMA Oh, no of course not. EMMA walks over and gives him a drink. He drinks it in one. SEAN She took her teeth out. EMMA cant help smiling, nor ALBERT. ASH snorts out loud. ALBERT So, did she say anything at all? ASH Take a deep breath, Sean. It might help to make the...pictures go away. He takes a long, deep breath and then begins.

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SEAN Petre Sava bought A Small Cat In The Garden by Picasso at an auction in Kensington. He outbid a private collector called Matthew Fairchild, whos an investment banker, and happens to be the father of Louise Fairchild, whose married name is Holmes. EMMA Should we know her. SEAN No, but you mightve heard of her husband. ASH Harry Holmes. EMMA THE Harry Holmes. SEAN Afraid so. INT. SNOOKER ROOM - AFTERNOON Rapping music. HARRY HOLMES - a swollen-headed, arrogant and swaggering know-it-all businessman. Hes wearing the most expensive suit. His hair is perfectly combed and positioned. A cocky, hot dogging gangster in his forties. Hes holding a sword. Hes walking down the snooker room isle. One of the many snooker boards has a man stretched out, a man holding out each limb. His shirts ripped open. HARRY walks over to the side of him calmly, smiling. HARRY HOLMES Its alright. Its alright. Calm down. Calm down. Now, I understand youre not a grass, and I admire that in a man, I really do. He lifts the sword and places it across the mans chest.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: HARRY HOLMES (CONTD) But I need you to open up for me. One way...or another. SNAPSHOT. Black and white. INT. EDDIES BAR - AFTERNOON SEAN When Harry Holmes found out it was Petre Sava who beat his father-in-law to the painting, he wasnt happy. It hurt his pride a bit. ASH Yeah, I bet it did. I heard he was like a dog with two whatsits when he married into the upper classes. Apparently hes always fancied hunting, shooting and fishing. EMMA So the paintings all about impressing the new in-laws. ASH Yeah, seems like it. SEAN Then maybe those in-laws are one of the reasons that Harry hasnt got his own hands dirty in order to get the painting back. ALBERT So he paid the McCrary brothers to steal it for him instead. SEAN Thats what Dolly said. ASH And you sure that wasnt just pillow talk? EMMA (sighs at ASHs comment) So on one side weve got a violent Eastern European gangster, and on the other, a homicidal maniac? SIDE splits into three.

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Middle - normal shot of EMMA speaking. Left - PETRE SAVA. Right - HARRY HOLMES. Both in black and white. ASH Yeah thats about the strength of it. SEAN So what shall we do? ASH Sensible thing would be call the Old Bill, tell em what happened and throw ourselves on their mercy. EMMA Yeah, well were not going to do that, right? ASH No. Which leaves us with one other option. ALBERT Which is? ASH To steal the painting back from Harry Holmes. He walks out of shot, leaving the rest of them pondering the question. INT. SILVER CAR - AFTERNOON MICKY unscrews the torch and holds onto the bulb and metal disc. He uses the disc to cut against the rope. Slide to: EXT. LONDON CITY - AFTERNOON Landscape view.

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INT. LOUNGE SUITE - AFTERNOON ASH walks into the suite where SHAUN, ALBERT and EMMA are already sat in. He holds a photo up of a mansion. ASH This is the home of Matthew Fairchild, father-in-law of Harry Holmes, who paid the McCrary brothers to steal the Picasso from Petre Sava. ZOOM INTO THE IMAGE which brings us to: EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON The Fairchild Mansion. A magnificent majestic building with cream walls and two large chimmerys spouting from the shallow roof. The neatness of the shot is apple pie. Well groomed. INT. FAIRCHILD MANSION - EXHIBITION GALLERY ROOM - AFTERNOON A man is placing the painting of the cat on the wall amongst many other Picasso paintings. HARRY and his wife, LOUISE, are holding hands, watching from afar. Their new pride and joy. LOUISE - a pretty and tasteful woman with blond hair to her shoulders, in a ruffled white top with white trousers. She speaks with a precise voice. LOUISE HOLMES I still cant believe you got it back. HARRY HOLMES Its family, innit? LOUISE HOLMES I know someone whos getting a special treat later. They smile together, pleased with their victory.

30. INT. LOUNGE SUITE - AFTERNOON ASH, EMMA, SHAUN and ALBERT are spreading different pictures of the Fairchild Mansion. A front view, back view, ground plan, birds eye view etc. ASH Now, Fairchilds already a collector, so the security is a bit nifty. EMMA Thats comforting. ASH Yeah, they got CCTV, weight sensor pads, motion detectors, heat imaging systems and laser webs. Thats if you can get past the two killer dogs in the grounds. SEAN I hate dogs. ASH Well, luckily, although the systems state of the art, it was designed by Fairchild himself. SEAN How does that help us? ASH Systems like this are only as good as their design, and hes made a very common, but simple mistake. EMMA Which is? ASH Basically its a domestic system, and like most domestic alarm systems, its designed on the assumption that a theft would take place either when the place is empty or at night under cover of darkness. ALBERT Which means when theyre home during the day, the alarms are switched off.

(CONTINUED)

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31.

ASH Exactly, Albert. EMMA Because who would be stupid enough to beak into a house in broad daylight when everyones at home? They all look around, each and every one of them knowing what their all thinking. Them. EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON SEAN - bean hat, brown coat and denim jeans, holding a rucksack - runs across an acre of the grounds up to a tall hedge. ASH (V.O) OK, so this is all about timing. SEAN opens his bag and takes out a bag of what seems to be dog food. ASH (V.O)/(CONTD) Everything on cue, like a ballet. CUT TO: The dog food thrown over the hedge and landing on the neat grass on the other side. ASH (V.O)/(CONTD) Firstly, lets make sure the dogs get their sleeping pills. Two dogs sprint over to the dog food and begin consuming it viciously. ASH (V.O)/(CONTD) Theyll last about 20 minutes. SIDE SPLIT: Left: ASH and EMMA waiting. Right: SEAN crawling under the hedge (dogs asleep). ASH Three, two, one.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

32.

SEAN (from walkie talkie) Dogs are asleep. Im moving into position. Slide to: EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON (CONTD) ASH crouched amongst hedges. ASH (to walkie talkie) Albert, you set? Slide to: EXT./INT. ALBERTS CAR - AFTERNOON ALBERT (on the phone) Ready. EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON ASH (to walkie talkie) Emma? Sean? Move from ASH and journey past the hedges, around a tree and up the drive. EMMA - light brown blazer with the same colour skirt and hat. She looks showy and spiffy. She has a leather bag on her right shoulder. EMMA (to walkie talkie) Ready. Move from this shot - like we did from ASH - and journey back down the drive, past the tree, past where ASH was stood, around a statue and arrive at a small patch of grass where SEAN runs to and crouches down. SEAN (to walkie talkie) Ready.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

33.

ASH (V.O) (from walkie talkie) OK. EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON (CONTD) ASH (to walkie talkie) Go! EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON (CONTD) EMMA is ready and is walking down the drive. Before she does, police sirens approach her. She turns around, and notices a police car and black car heading her way. She hurries over behind the bush and watches as they park outside the mansion entrance. Two police officers jump out as well as two detectives from there black car and walk up to the door. LOUISE opens the door. ASH hurries over to EMMAs side to watch whats happening. We watch from afar. POLICE OFFICER Hello, madam. Were investigating a stolen painting. LOUISE HOLMES What are you doing? POLICE OFFICER We need to search the property. They all walk into the house without LOUISEs offer. SEAN runs up to ASH and EMMA. SEAN Whats going on? EMMA I dont know. They keep watching. HARRY barges out of the doors.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

34.

HARRY HOLMES Tell you what, Ive got your number, fella! Ill be straight onto the station! EMMA But I think we should get out of here. ASH Yeah. Im with you. SEAN No, look! And one of the detectives walks out of the building carrying A Small Cat in the Garden. HARRY HOLMES This is it, Ive had enough! ASH Alright, come on. And the three of them stand up and hurry away, like they hadnt been there in the first place. POLICE OFFICER Calm down, OK? HARRY HOLMES Dont you tell me to calm down! INT. EDDIES BAR - AFTERNOON SEAN, EMMA, ASH and ALBERT are stood at the bar. ALBERT (on the phone) Alright, thanks, Nigel, dont forget I owe you a big cigar. A good one? Yeah, thanks, bye, bye. (switches phone off ) Alright, the police have been tipped off, theyve seized the painting and theyve arrested Harry Holmes. SEAN Is that good or bad?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

35.

EMMA Well, it cant be good, can it? ASH No, wait. Thats exactly what it is. EMMA How come? ASH If the police have it, Sava was the rightful owner. SEAN Theyll give him back the painting. EMMA And hell give Micky back. ASH Job done. (to EDDIE) Eduardo, refreshments, please. ALBERT (picks up phone) Hello? Yes, Nigel! I see. Alright, thanks for taking the time to call me back, I appreciate it. (puts the phone down) Theyve released Harry Holmes. EMMA That was quick. ALBERT Well, they found the painting in the house and it was fake. EMMA What?! ASH That aint possible. We know its the original, he had it nicked from Sava, who bought it at the auction. EMMA Yeah, he wouldnt have kidnapped Micky and hung Ash upside down if hed lost a fake!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

36.

ASH So if the one Harry had was a fake, wheres the real one? EDDIE walks up with a plate of drinks and places them in front of them gleefully. EDDIE Drinks up. Their all lost in thought, not even noticing EDDIEs presence. EDDIE (CONTD) "Oh, thank you very much, Eddie." "Its a pleasure to serve you!" "Would you have one yourself?" "Yeah, thank you very much, dont mind if I do!" ALBERT It doesnt make a lot of sense. EMMA No. EDDIE walks off disgusted. ASH Now lets just think about this for a minute. We have to assume that the painting the McCrary brothers nicked from Petre Sava is the real Picasso. EMMA Agreed. SEAN Yeah, but by the time it got to Harry Holmes and his father-in-law, it was a fake. ASH Exactly. SEA So they switched off? ASH Mustve done.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

37.

EMMA Yeah, it cant be anything else. ASH So, if they passed on a fake to Harry, they mustve had another buyer for the real one. Robbing bastards. ALBERT And the McCrary brothers have the real painting ASH Thats the only thing that makes sense. EMMA Yeah, they must! SEAN Or at least know where it is. EXT. MCCRARY HOUSE - AFTERNOON The strapping stone house that is the McCrary brothers. EMMAs running up to the house. ASH (V.O) The gates wide open. EMMA Oh, were too late! ALBERT, ASH and SEAN come into shot, also checking the exterior of the house. SEAN Theres no sign of life anywhere... EMMA No, theyre long gone. ASH Well of course they are. I mean, if youre just about to stitch up Harry Holmes, youre not gonna hang around where he can find you.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

38.

EMMA They must have moved out just after we saw them. SEAN They could be back in Glasgow by now. Were screwed. EMMA No, you mean Micky is. ASH No, wait, wait. If you were going to give Harry Holmes a fake, youre not going to risk him spotting it. Itd have to be near-perfect. So where would you go for a near-perfect copy of a Picasso? INT. DOLLYS HOUSE - AFTERNOON DOLLY A girls got to earn a living! ASH But why didnt you tell us, Dolly?! DOLLY Well, I didnt know there was a connection! ASH is stood up - looming over DOLLY - while EMMA and SEAN are behind the sofa away from DOLLYs reach, while ALBERT is sat proudly on the sofa. ASH Its the flaming cat in the wotsit, the painting we was asking you about! DOLLY Yeah, but I cant keep track of everything, Im not an accountant. Im an artist. ASH Alright, alright. So...step by step, right? You did the fake for the McCrarys, right?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: DOLLY Maybe. ASH Dolly! Stop messing about! DOLLY (to SEAN) Are you going to let him speak to me like that? SEAN Ey? DOLLY I thought what we had was special. SEAN We didnt have anything! DOLLY You touched my Mabel. EMMA What?! SEAN Tha-tha-that is what she calls her ferret. ALBERT Ferret? SEAN Yeah, she keeps it in the khazi. DOLLY I dont let just anyone touch my Mabel. ASH Dolly! DOLLY Yeah, yeah, alright, alright. I made the McCrarys a fake, and they said that theyd got a buyer, but he was a muppet and hed never know the difference. ASH Yeah, well, that "muppet" is Harry Holmes.

39.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

40.

DOLLY ...Oh. Thats not good. ASH No, its not, is it? So I need you to tell me what the McCrarys were doing with the real Picasso. DOLLY They did say something about a new buyer. ASH Who? DOLLY I dont know. ASH Did they say anything at all? Mention any names? DOLLY No. ASH OK, right, well, the, er, the fake...so, when youd finished it, did they collect it from here? DOLLY No. ASH So how did you get it to them? DOLLY I had to parcel it up and send it in a cab. ASH Where to? DOLLY I dont remember. They all sigh in frustration. ASH Dolly! This is important.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: DOLLY Well, look, its all this pressure! I cant think straight with you all looking at me! EMMA Would it help if we all just looked away? DOLLY Yes. (to SEAN) Except him. ASH Oh, come on, Dolly! DOLLY Oh...oh! Maybe a gin might do it. It helps me to relax. EMMA hurries over and pours out a glass of gin. ALBERT What do you have with it? DOLLY More gin.

41.

EMMA pours out a little extra in the glass and hands it over to DOLLY. DOLLY (CONTD) Thank you. She takes a sip. Everyones looking at her, waiting for an answer. DOLLY (CONTD) It was a hotel. ASH Good, which one? DOLLY Up west. EMMA Name. (pause) Have another one, have another one! ASH Shes no use to us if she passes out, is she?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

42.

DOLLY I am here, you know! SEAN I could...I could book us a room while were there. DOLLY It was the Goodridge on the South Bank. (they all jump up) See if theyve got a four-poster! They all hurry out of the room, now with the information they needed. INT. SILVER CAR - AFTERNOON MICKY is still carving at the rope with the metal cylinder from the torch he broke apart. Hes desperate. Not long now. INT. CAR PARK - AFTERNOON The silver car drives down the car park and stops outside the car MICKY is in. INT. SILVER CAR - AFTERNOON MICKY hears car doors open and plays unconscious. INT. CAR PARK - AFTERNOON BOGDAN and PETRE lift the car boot to reveal MICKY curled up, but not moving. PETRE SAVA Is he still alive? BOGDAN reaches down and hits MICKY hard in the face, who growls in pain under the piece of sellotape. BOGDAN Yes, boss. PETRE looks down at his watch.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

43.

PETRE SAVA You know your friend have two hours to return with my painting. If they are late, we cut off something every ten minutes until they get here. If they are not here in two hours, we kill whatever is left. What do you think of that? BOGDAN Do you want me to take his gag off? So he can tell you what he thinks? PETRE SAVA No, no. Im a people person, it was a rhetorical question, I know what he thinks. BOGDAN You do? PETRE SAVA Well, he is thinking he hopes his friends come before we cut anything off. BOGDAN Oh. PETRE SAVA Then, maybe hes thinking about what we will cut off, and in what order. True? MICKY slowly nods, and BOGDAN slams down the boot of the car. INT. GOODRIDGE - RECEPTION - AFTERNOON ALBERT, SEAN, EMMA and ASH walk into what looks like a reception. Its very modern, classy and extensive. A suite in the corner holds comfy chairs and businessmen and women are discussing this and that. A swanky reception desk is in front of them. EMMA Do you think theyre still here? ASH Albert, do you know the concierge?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: ALBERT Yes. Anthony...Excuse me for a moment. SEAN I thought Dolly sent the fake painting here. EMMA Yes, because the McCrary brothers needed a fake to give to Harry Holmes, not the real one. SEAN Which means the real one could be here? ASH Well, theres only one way to find out.

44.

ALBERT thanks the man at the desk, and takes away a card. ALBERT Right. Theyre staying overnight, theyve booked a car tomorrow morning to go to the airport. And right now, theyre in the bar. INT. GOODRIDGE - BAR - AFTERNOON GERALD and his brother at sat at the bar with drinks, chatting casually. SEAN, EMMA, ASH and ALBERT are watching from afar. EMMA They dont look like theyve got anything with them. ASH What room are they in, Albert? ALBERT 624. ALBERT hands over the card. ASH Theyve seen me and Ems, so well check the room, you two keep an eye on em, give us a heads up if they move. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

45.

SEAN Alright. INT. GOODRIDGE - CORRIDOR - AFTERNOON EMMA and ASH hurry down the dark corridor until they get to the door with the number 624 on. ASH swipes the car in the slit and releases the lock. INT. GOODRIDGE - ROOM 624 - AFTERNOON The door opens and EMMA and ASH walk in, looking around instantly. EMMA We havent got a lot of time. ASH You go that way. EMMA Yeah. ASH runs over to the bed and lifts the duvet, but to no avail. They keep searching. INT. GOODRIDGE - BAR - AFTERNOON SEAN and ALBERT watch from afar as the brothers chat to a couple of young women. INT. GOODRIDGE - ROOM 624 - AFTERNOON ASH and EMMA rummage through bags and suitcases etc, desperate to find the painting. EMMA Its not here. ASH pushes forward the cushions on the sofa - nothing. ASH Im making a real pigs ear of this, arent I? All those times Mickys bailed us out, and I cant even find a painting.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

46.

EMMA Well find it, its just a matter of time. ASH Yeah, time we havent got. Its less than an hour now. Dyou know what? Id rather get tooled up, go to Savas and take me chances. EMMA You cant do that. ASH Yeah, well, I cant do this either. EMMA Its a setback, but come on, youre just as smart as Micky. (pause) Right. The McCrary brothers are still downstairs. Lets just go and try to talk to them again. We can get through this. Lets go. As she walks away, we see the painting hung up on the wall. ASH is staring right at it!!! But hes lost in thought. They walk out, and the door slowly closes. ASH sprints back in before EMMA, staring at the painting theyve been looking for, right in front of their eyes. ASH Now, thats clever. He walks over and lifts it from its nail. EMMA (ecstatic) See?! I told you wed get it! But ASH is looking over her shoulders. Three figures are blurred in the b/g. Unblur to reveal HARRY and three of his men stood behind him. HARRY HOLMES Who the hell are you?

47. INT. GOODRIDGE - BAR - AFTERNOON The brothers are still chatting, SEAN and ALBERT still watching. INT. GOODRIDGE - ROOM 624 - AFTERNOON ASH and EMMA are sat down now, HARRY looming over them. HARRY HOLMES So let me get this straight. Sava is holding your mate until you bring him this. ASH Yeah. HARRY HOLMES And he doesnt know it was me who nicked the painting? He thinks it was you. (he chuckles) Sounds like youre up shit creek and left the paddle at home, sunshine. And I...have had a right result. He hands the painting to one of his men. HARRY HOLMES (CONTD) Just tell me one thing. How did you know it was here? EMMA We didnt. We just found the McCrarys and hoped for the best. HARRY HOLMES Yeah, well those two stitched me right up. Didnt just sell me a moody painting, they made me look like a right prat in front of my wifes family. Where are they? ASH No idea, there was no-one in the room when we got here. HARRY HOLMES Alright, seems to me you two havent done me any harm, youve got nothing I need, and youve got enough to worry about. So get out. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

48.

EMMA looks at ASH, who isnt moving his eyes from HARRYs. HARRY HOLMES (CONTD) Go on, sling your hook before I change my mind. ASH (stands) We cant do that. HARRY HOLMES Oh, yeah? ASH No. Without the painting, Petre Savas not gonna let our mate go. So, I dont care who you are. I aint leaving without it. HARRY HOLMES And thats your final word? ASH Yeah, it is. INT. GOODRIDGE - CORRIDOR - AFTERNOON EMMA (V.O) No, dont! ASH is launched backwards from the room door after the sound of a punch. He falls to the ground with a grunt. EMMA (helping him) Ash. That wasnt very smart. INT. GOODRIDGE - RECEPTION - AFTERNOON SEAN So have we got a plan B? ASH is still clutching his stomach. ASH Well, its more like plan A revisited. SEAN Eh?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: ASH Harry will take the painting back to his father-in-laws like a conquering hero. EMMA And weve already got a plan to steal it back from there. ALBERT Clever. ASH Yeah, more importantly, we need Harry back at the house pronto, and finding the McCrary boys will only slow him down. So lets make sure he has to leave now. SEAN smiles and walks away. CUT TO

49.

Fire alarm rings. People look alerted, glancing at each other and beginning to stand up and leave the building with guidance form staff. EMMA and SEAN hurry out, but GERALD catches a quick glimpse of EMMA as she walks away. CUT TO: The lift doors open and HARRY walks out with his men. He walks into the reception. GERALD turns quickly to the side and walks away. EXT. LONDON CITY - AFTERNOON Various shots from LONDON CITY. EXT./INT. ASHS CAR - AFTERNOON ASH is at the wheel, ALBERT in the passenger seat. ASH Right, like a ballet, remember? Move to the back of the car, where SEAN and EMMA are sat in their costumes they wore in SC. 039-041. ASH, EMMA and SEAN jump out of the car.

50. EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON SEAN throws the dog food over the tall hedge. The dogs sprint over and consume it with greedy0 takes. SEAN checks is watch and crawls under the hedge where the dogs are fast asleep. EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON (CONTD) ASH We all set? EXT./INT. ASHS CAR - AFTERNOON ALBERT (to walkie talkie) Ready. EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON EMMA (to walkie talkie) Set. EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON (CONTD) Journey from EMMAs destination to SEANs in thousands of snapshots. SEAN (to walkie talkie) Im ready. EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON (CONTD) Journey from SEANs destination under trees and round the statue until we stop on ASH. ASH (to walkie talkie) Right. Go. THREE SCREEN SPLIT. Top: ALBERT. Right: EMMA.

51. Left: SEAN. INT. FAIRCHILD MANSION - EXHIBITION GALLERY ROOM - AFTERNOON HARRY and LOUISE are stood with champagne, gazing at their new possession in awe. LOUISE HOLMES And youre sure its definitely the real one this time? HARRY HOLMES Oh, yeah. LOUISE HOLMES Ooh, I love you so much, I could burst. The doorbell rings and LOUISE sighs. She puts down her glass and walks out. INT. FAIRCHILD MANSION - HALL WAY - AFTERNOON One of her maids is hurrying down the stairs to answer the door. LOUISE HOLMES Ill get it. She opens the door. Standing at her doorstep is EMMA, dressed in her hat, blazer and skirt look. She speaks with a posh accent. EMMA Hello, Im really sorry, buy my Bobby has just run into your garden. LOUISE HOLMES Bobby? EMMA Hes a white Bichon Frise. LOUISE HOLMES Oh... EMMA Only I was worried encase you had dogs.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

52.

LOUISE HOLMES We do! EMMA Oh. No. Um... EMMA hurries down the steps and off into their gardens. EMMA (V.O) Bobby! Darling, come on! LOUISE HOLMES Wait. INT. FAIRCHILD MANSION - EXHIBITION GALLERY ROOM - AFTERNOON HARRY is stood in front of the painting. LOUISE HOLMES (V.O) Ill come with you! EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON Through binoculars. EMMA and LOUISE call out in search for the dog. The binoculars turn to the windows of the room HARRY is in. Hes by the window, but his back is turned. SEAN lowers the binoculars and takes out his walkie talkie. SEAN (to walkie talkie) OK, two in the viewing room. EXT./INT. ASHS CAR - AFTERNOON SEAN (V.O) Time to split them up. ALBERT is dialing a number on his phone. INT. FAIRCHILD MANSION - EXHIBITION GALLERY ROOM - AFTERNOON A phone rings.

53. EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON Through binoculars. EMMA is still calling, "Bobby!" "Bobby!". INT. FAIRCHILD MANSION - HALL WAY - AFTERNOON A man picks up the ringing phone. MATTHEW Hello? Fairchild. EXT./INT. ASHS CAR - AFTERNOON ALBERT (on phone) Paul Holland from New York. INT. FAIRCHILD MANSION - HALL WAY - AFTERNOON ASH (V.O) We met at an awful meet and greet in London last month. EXT./INT. ASHS CAR - AFTERNOON ASH (on phone) You do remember? EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON LOUISE HOLMES Weve been through here twice before. SEAN is watching from afar behind a bush wall. EMMA He could be under any of these bushes. Bobby! She calls out repeatedly as SEAN runs over to another angle and looks in his binoculars. Through binoculars. HARRY is stood in the gallery still. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

54.

SEAN lowers his binoculars. SEAN (to walkie talkie) OK, Ash, one left over. EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON (CONTD) ASH hurries over to HARRYs car and starts the alarm by jumping on the bonnet. INT. FAIRCHILD MANSION - EXHIBITION GALLERY ROOM - AFTERNOON HARRY hears the car alarm and walks out. EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON Through binoculars. HARRY walks out from view from the window. SEAN lowers binoculars. SEAN (to walkie talkie) OK, Ash, good to go, mate. EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON (CONTD) HARRY walks over to his flashing and bleeping car. He takes out his keys and switches off the alarm. EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON (CONTD) EMMA There! LOUISE HOLMES What? EMMA I heard something! This way! Bobby! LOUISE sighs.

55.

EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON (CONTD) HARRY inspects his car for any damage. In the b/g, ASH sprints past and through the open doors of the house. INT. FAIRCHILD MANSION - HALL WAY - AFTERNOON ASH hurries into the hall, checking hes not being watched. The man on the phone is stood a few feet away from him. ASH slowly closes the door that connects the two sections of the hallway. MATTHEW Yes. Uh-huh. Yes. ASH (V.O) Which brings me to my other point... INT. FAIRCHILD MANSION - EXHIBITION GALLERY ROOM - AFTERNOON ASH enters and looks around until his eyes meet with A Small Cat in the Garden, placed neatly in the middle of the oak wood wall. EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON HARRY walks away. With a flick of his keys the car locks with a bleep. INT. FAIRCHILD MANSION - HALL WAY - AFTERNOON HARRY closes the door behind him and walks through, unaware only seconds ago ASH had just broken in this way! He walks into the gallery room, and from another direction ASH slowly appears but further down the hallway (like Scoooby-doo!) ASH opens the door slowly and creeps out.

56.

INT. FAIRCHILD MANSION - HALL WAY - AFTERNOON HARRY walks in - oblivious the paintings gone - and takes a glass of champagne, looking out of the window for his wife. EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON EMMA You know, if you dont find them in the first half hour then...you know you might...excuse me. Her phone is ringing. She brings it to her ear. EMMA (on phone) Yes? SPLIT SCREEN. SEAN Time to go. FULL SCREEN AGAIN. EMMA (on phone) Oh, thats amazing. Oh, thank you, darling, so much. Yes, Im coming back now. Alright. (to LOUISE) He found his way home! Hes such a clever baby! Thank you so much for helping! LOUISE HOLMES Awww its fine, its fine! Bye! EMMA Bye bye! EMMA hurries up the small steps and away. EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON (CONTD) ASH runs up to his car and jumps in the drivers seat.

57. EXT./INT. ALBERTS CAR - AFTERNOON MATTHEW (V.O) Or perhaps you can call me at my office tomorrow, and I can... ALBERT (on phone) Sorry, Matthew, I got the Senator on the other line, Ive got to take it. Ill be in touch, thank you so much. SEAN has jumped in, along with EMMA. They all sigh, relieved. ASH Home, James, and dont spare the horses! They all laugh together and drive off. INT. FAIRCHILD MANSION - EXHIBITION GALLERY ROOM - AFTERNOON HARRYs smile dissapears as he turns and looks at...the blank wall. LOUISE walks in. LOUISE HOLMES Honestly, you wont believe what Ive been doing in the garden. Ive been chasing... She looks at the spot the painting should be, but isnt. LOUISE HOLMES (CONTD) Oh no. HARRY doesnt speak. Hes speechless. EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE - AFTERNOON ALBERT, EMMA, ASH and SEAN are walking past the fountain, ASH on his phone. ASH (on phone) Yeah, Ive got it. The real one. The same place you left me in half an hour. But if Mickys not there, the deals off...OK. Half hour.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

58.

EMMA Well? ASH All set. Well meet them back at the warehouse in half an hour. We give em the real painting, they give us Micky. ALBERT But can we trust them? ASH The honest truth is, Albert, I dont know. EMMA What if Harry realizes it was us? ASH I dont know that either. EMMA But Ash, what happens if... ASH ...Lets just get Micky back first, and worry about everything else later, yeah? SEAN Sounds like a plan. ASH Yeah, well, first, I need a drink. INT. EDDIES BAR - AFTERNOON They all walk into the bar which seems quiet. ASH Set em up, Ed. He nods his head to the direction of The McCrary brothers at the snooker table. GERALD MCRARY There you are. None of them speak, they just watch as he walks over.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

59.

GERALD MCRARY (CONTD) Mad Dolly told us where to find you. ASH Oh. GERALD MCRARY That was you at the hotel, wasnt it? EMMA Hotel? GERALD MCRARY I saw you leaving. Just passing, were you? ASH Thats right, yeah, we erm...Well, we found out where you were and we thought wed try again, you know, to convince you to...let us...take the painting. GERALD MCRARY Thats what I thought. So it was you guys that set off the alarm, was it? ASH Yeah, yeah, we... GERALD MCRARY (to his brother) What did I tell you? Thats why were here, we wanted to say thank you! ASH Eh? GERALD MCRARY Look, I dont know why you hit the alarm when you did, but if you guys hadnt, wed have just waltzed in there and found Harry Holmes in our room. ASH Yeah, well, you know, dont mention it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

60.

GERALD MCRARY So what happened? You erm, you found us and then you saw Harry and his goons there too, right? ASH Thats right, yeah. So...we legged it. Only we didnt want to drop you in it, so... EMMA ...so we hit the alarm. GERALD MCRARY Look. All I know is if it wasnt for you guys we would be screwed. So, thank you. ASH Yeah, its a pleasure. I hope youd do the same for us. GERALD MCRARY Oh, absolutely! ASH Well, there you go. GERALD MCRARY Wed love to stay and have a beer with you, but we have a flight to catch. Weve got to get home and make a start on spending this. His brother chucks over a bag and GERALD unzips it to reveal a bag full of cash. GERALD MCRARY (CONTD) 400 grand...for the painting. ASH The painting? GERALD MCRARY The Picasso. We sold Harry one of the duds Dolly made. ASH Yeah, I heard. Thats why he was looking for you.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

61.

GERALD MCRARY Oh, no doubt. But we also had another buyer lined up for the real one. German guy. ASH Wait. You said you sold ONE of the duds to Harry? You sold a dud to the German too? GERALD MCRARY No, no. He got the real thing. Bid the highest you see. No, we had Dolly make two duds. We sold one to Harry, and the other we were were going to sell to some Aussie guy in the hotel bar, but he was a no show. ASH Yeah, yeah, but you cant have sold the real one, because Harry found it in your room. GERALD MCRARY Well, he would have been pretty dissapointed when he got home. ASH Eh? GERALD MCRARY Did the deal with the German guy this afternoon, long before Harry found us. So if he found a painting in our room, it was the other dud. Shit, I think we hung it on the wall, we were leaving it as a wee present for the hotel. They all chuckle. GERALD MCRARY (CONTD) Look, like I said, we just came here to say thank you. Oh, by the way, how did...er...How did things pan out with your friend? ASH Oh, well, were, er...Were still working on it.

(CONTINUED)

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62.

GERALD MCRARY Well, good luck with that. ASH Cheers. And they walk out, leaving the team to stand in failure. SEAN pulls out the painting from the bag. SEAN So we stole another fake. ALBERT You told Sava we had half an hour. Weve got fifteen minutes. SEAN So what do we do now? EDDIE Here you are, mate. EDDIE gives ASH a drink. He stares at it. He doesnt know what to do, or say. INT. CAR PARK - AFTERNOON PETRE unlocks the boot - followed by BOGDAN - and gets into the drivers seat. The car engines start and the car begins to drive out of the car park. INT. DESERTED WAREHOUSE - AFTERNOON SEAN, ASH, ALBERT and EMMA are stood spaced out in the warehouse awaiting PETREs arrival. The following is spoken to the camera. ASH When you live outside the law, on the fringes of society, youre always going to have days like this. What you might call a bad day in the office. A car screeches into the warehouse.

(CONTINUED)

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63.

ASH (CONTD) Well, the thing is not to panic. Because people like this lot, theyre like dogs, they can smell fear. The two cars drive into the warehouse. ASH (CONTD) So the trick is to make them think you know something they dont. That way theyll generally hold off killing you while they try and work out what it is. PETRE, BOGDAN and many other men step out of the two cars, and place themselves in front of the team. PETRE SAVA You have brought my painting? ASH You brought my friend? PETRE SAVA Painting first. ASH Friend first or theres no deal. PETRE SAVA I dont think youre in a position to negotiate, do you? ASH If you believe that, it could be the worst mistake you ever made. I see my friend, you see your painting. He directs to two men and they bring out MICKY who groans and moans. The sellotape across is face is ripped away. PETRE SAVA Now your turn. Before SEAN opens his bag to take out the painting, another car drives into the warehouse. A black car - HARRYs car, followed by another. HARRY steps out of the car, along with many other men in business suits. PETRE sighs.

(CONTINUED)

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64.

Its now PETRE and his crew, HARRY and his crew, and ASH, EMMA and SEAN in the middle. HARRY HOLMES Right. Whos got my painting? PETRE SAVA This is none of your business, Harry. HARRY HOLMES Well, Im making it my business, Boris. Ive been dancing around you lot for too long. PETRE SAVA My name is not Boris. HARRY HOLMES It is when Im talking to you. PETRE SAVA You know, calling me Boris is racist. HARRY HOLMES Tough. ASH Er, excuse me, can we, er...Can we get on with this, please? HARRY HOLMES What are you doing here? ASH What do you think Im flaming doing here? Ive come to swap this painting...(retrieves the painting)...for my mate. HARRY HOLMES That is my painting. PETRE SAVA No. My painting. HARRY HOLMES I nicked it, fair and square. PETRE SAVA And now Im getting it back.

(CONTINUED)

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65.

ASH Thats enough! HARRY HOLMES Who are you shouting at? ASH You! The pair of you! Have you never heard of honour amongst thieves? Some kind of nodding appreciation amongst your peers? Youre like a couple of five-year-olds. "Please, Miss, hes nicked my painting" Its pathetic! And Ive had it with both of you! PETRE SAVA (to BOGDAN) Get the painting. BOGDAN walks forward and so do HARRYs men. ASH holds out a knife and hovers it above the painting. They all step back. ASH Ive had a gun shoved up me hooter, been hung upside down, and kicked up in the air. Ive been threatened by at least three nationalities while running around half of London chasing some stupid picture of a cat in someones back garden that looks like it was done by a three-year-old on a sugar rush! Ive been lie to, cheated and generally abused just because me and my mate ere were trying to earn an honest crust when Rasputin here went and kidnapped him. PETRE SAVA Hey. Rasputin is worse than Boris. ASH I said, shut it! Now I dont know whose painting this is and, to be quite honest, I dont give a flying toss! Ive had a very bad day!

(CONTINUED)

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66.

HARRY HOLMES Do you know who youre talking to? ASH Never mind who Im talking to. You ought to worry about who we are, son. Were grifters. Yeah. This bloke over here (MICKY). Hes sold the Eiffel Tower, the palace of Westminister and the Sydney Opera House. We broke banks, companies, and political parties. We took on the mafia in Las Vegas and we made the London Special Branch look like the Keystone Cops. So never mind about you two threatening us! Now, Im threatening YOU! And their all smiling. Even MICKY. ASH (CONTD) Were going to make you our hobby. Spend sleepless nights working out how to take away everything from you, every penny. It wont be just a sodding painting you have to worry about, youll be working out where youre going to sleep at night. Because were going to pick you clean. Well strip every bit of flesh off the bone. And for a moment HARRY is lost in thought. And then he claps. And PETRE joins in. HARRY HOLMES Nice speech. I got just one question. ASH Yeah, whats that? HARRY HOLMES How are you lot going to do that, when youre dead? PETRE SAVA Very good. Both of them are staring coldly at ASH, who doesnt speak.

(CONTINUED)

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67.

HARRY HOLMES (CONTD) Now, give me my painting. PETRE SAVA No. No. You give me MY painting. ASH (to camera) Some people never listen, do they? (back to the others) Tell you what, you can sort it out amongst yourselves. Slow motion. Spanish music. Birds eye view as the painting slowly rotates between PETRE and his men and HARRY and his men, all looking up in shock as it slowly moves through the air. PETRE has his arms out in horror. And some of PETRE and HARRYs men run forward slowly, all crashing in to each other. One kicks the painting so it slides further away. HARRY runs forward and tackles the men to the painting. PETRE is pushing through, desperate to get to it. End of slow motion. Their all tackling each other to the ground. PETRE with his hands in his head. HARRY smacks one of the men in the face who tumbles to the ground. EMMA flinches as she watches them all fight. ALBERT watching in disgust. HARRY HOLMES Get it round the side! Yeah, thats it! Watch what youre doing! Dont damage it! MICKY walks over to his rightful side, between ASH and EMMA. ASH You didnt phone, you didnt write.

(CONTINUED)

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68.

MICKY (laughs) Sorry, mate, Ive been a bit tied up. Oooh! Is that who I think it is? ASH Harry Holmes, yeah. MICKY Good job he turned up. ASH Yeah, well...I phoned him. MICKY You phoned him? ASH Yeah? INT. EDDIES BAR - AFTERNOON Spanish music continues. PREVIOUS MATERIAL. SEAN So what are we going to do now? NEW MATERIAL. ASH dials a number on his phone and waits for an answer whilst downing the whiskey. ASH (Scottish accent) Hello, Harry. Would you be interested to know who the McCrary boys were working for when they double-crossed you? Aye, I do know. Have you got a pen? INT. DESERTED WAREHOUSE - AFTERNOON Spanish music continues. HARRY HOLMES Just watch the painting, will ya?

(CONTINUED)

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69.

MICKY They dont seem to like each other very much. ASH No, well, I er...I phoned the other one an all. INT. EDDIES BAR - AFTERNOON Spanish music continues. ASH (Russian accent) Harry Holmes. Yes, he cheated a friend of mine. So when I found out he stole your painting, I thought it right to call you. INT. DESERTED WAREHOUSE - AFTERNOON Spanish music continues. ASH And I phoned the old Bill encase it went pear-shaped. They should be here any minute. PETRE and HARRY are now both holding the painting, pulling and shoving at it in frustration. And then, one of the men falls over and his shoe crashes straight through the painting. Spanish music slowly fades away. EMMA Ohhhh. MICKY Is...that the real Picasso? ASH Oh, no, no. No, thats a fake. HARRY and PETRE now start tackling each other to the ground comically, punching and hitting each other. MICKY Guys. Can I...Can I ask a question?

(CONTINUED)

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70.

EMMA Yeah, yeah. MICKY I mean, I dont want to sound ungrateful or anything. ASH No, its OK. MICKY But wouldnt it have been simpler to get the real painting? SEAN, ASH, EMMA and ALBERT both turn and give MICKY a cold look. Police sirens are whirring in the background now. MICKY (CONTD) Its OK.. EXT. LONDON CITY - NIGHT Various clips and shots of London City. INT. EDDIES BAR - NIGHT EDDIE is handing out champagne glasses to everyone. ASH Cheers, Ed. MICKY Thank you. They are sat in their regular positions in their usual booth. SEAN So, no-ones looking for us? ASH No. No, you see, they both thought that the original was damaged in the fight at the warehouse.

71. INT. DOLLYS HOUSE - AFTERNOON DOLLY hands a painting to PETRE and a painting to HARRY, both of A Small Cat in the Garden. ASH (V.O) But neither Petre Sava nor Harry Holmes could afford to lose face. DOLLY points to her cheeks and they both kiss her with a sigh. ASH (V.O)/(CONTD) So the only way they could save face was to have a fake each. INT. FAIRCHILD MANSION - EXHIBITION GALLERY ROOM - AFTERNOON LOUISE and HARRY are stood next to MATTHEW who is holding the painting. ASH (V.O) That way, they could both say they won and honor is restored. INT. PETRE SAVAS HOUSE - AFTERNOON PETRE is making BOGDAN place the painting on the wall, he issues it to the left and right with a wiggle of his fingers. EMMA (V.O) And they both get to live happily ever after. ASH (V.O) Well, yeah, you know, happy as they can be. INT. EDDIES BAR - NIGHT ALBERT It seems the only winners are the McCrary brothers. SEAN Tell me about it. They just walked off with 400 grand. The phone rings and EDDIE hurries off to answer.

(CONTINUED)

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72.

EMMA Whoa, they might get to go with all the money but we got something much more precious. We got Micky back. ASH Oh, yes, thats true. MICKY Yeah. Ah. Thanks, guys. EMMA You cant put a price on friendship. ASH No but if you could, itd be about 400 grand. EMMA Ignore him - he was beside himself when you were gone. He was taking all the blame, he was full of self-loathing. It was just, really heartbreaking to watch. ASH Yeah, yeah. MICKY Well, we made no money, but apart from the odd bruise, everything turned out OK. ALBERT Yes, it did. SEAN Ash, Ive got to ask you, did you really lose it with those gangsters at the warehouse? ASH Well, we hadnt got a lot of options at that point, so I thought Id do a bit of Micky waffle. EMMA Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. MICKY Micky waffle?

(CONTINUED)

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73.

ASH Yeah, you know that thing where you talk a lot but dont actually say anything. MICKY Sorry, no, I do not "waffle"! SEAN You do a bit. MICKY When? ASH Usually when you know youre wrong but you wont admit it. MICKY Im sorry, Im sorry, but thats far from waffling, thats just my way of presenting a reasoned argument. A way of putting forward the facts, which in the main, Ash, Im sorry to say, is something you fail to do. You prefer to use emotional rhetoric littered with expletives to make your point. No, its true, its true. That was not "waffling"! I wish you left me in the boot now. ASH Well, it can be arranged. EDDIE Brought you tomorrows papers. ALL Cheers Eddie. EDDIE Erm, that was that Dolly bird again. I was going to give you a shout but you were waffling. ASH Cheers, Ed. MICKY I wasnt waffling.

(CONTINUED)

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74.

EMMA Course not. EDDIE Erm...this Dolly...she sounds a bit alright on the phone. Whats she like? ASH Oh, now...now...she is special. EDDIE Yeah? Is she a looker? SEAN Oh...definitely. ALBERT Shes a looker. ASH Got a lovely set of teeth, hasnt she, Sean? SEAN Amazing. DOLLY Only we had a little bit of a chat. We got on like a house on fire. Think she was flirting a bit when she, er...rang earlier, you know, she said she liked me accent and that so, er, so you know...might have a crack at it like. EMMA It? EDDIE Yeah, yeah, you dont mind do you? I dont want to tread on anyones toes. ALL Good for you/go for "it". EDDIE Yeah? Shes invited me round for a drink.

(CONTINUED)

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75.

ALBERT Edward. This is a match made in heaven. EDDIE You think so? ASH Absolutely. You knock yourself out, son. EDDIE Cheers, guys. Ill let you know how I get on. He walks away with a smile. EMMA Do you think that was a bit cruel? ASH (reading newspaper) Yeah, probably. MICKY Oh, listen to this. It says here that a Mondrian was stolen from a gallery in Central London, and its valued at 2.3 million. Doesnt Tucker still do fake Mondrians? They all stare at him coldly. MICKY (CONTD) It was a joke. ALL Yeah! MICKY Shouldve seen your faces. ASH Oi. SNAPSHOT of MICKY laughing pleasantly. Then fade to black. CUT TO TITLES. (END OF SE.8 EP.2)