Bros vs.

Hipsters by Pat Stansik

Over black we hear a knock on the door. INT. HOUSE - DAY JOEY and DEVIN, everymen, open the door to find ELI, athletic and artistic at the same time. JOEY You must be the new roommate. DEVIN Hey, you want some help? ELI Nah, Im good. Something drops from Elis bag. They bend over to pick up the items: a Moleskin notebook and a protein shaker bottle. They look at each other suspiciously before standing up and handing Eli his items. He snatches them quickly. EXT. HOUSE - DAY Devin walks outside and sees Eli standing next to his Jeep. DEVIN Hey, can I get a ride? ELI Sorry man... Eli removes a bicycle and closes the door. ELI Trying to reduce my carbon footprint. He peddles off. Devin stares in disbelief. EXT. HOUSE - DAY Joey pulls out a copy of Vice from the mailbox before realizing there is a copy of Maxim under it. EXT. CAMPUS - DAY Joey and Devin walk from class.

2. JOEY Cant believe our new roommates such a bro. DEVIN Youre kidding, right? Hes a total hipster. They both stop walking. JOEY Why would a hipster have a drawer full of lacrosse pinnies? DEVIN Ive never heard of a bro who wont shop at Whole Foods cause its not organic enough. JOEY He has more supplements than a GNC! DEVIN His glasses dont even have a prescription! They stare each other down. INT. GYM - DAY Eli finishes working out and exits, leaving his iPod behind. Joey and Devin walk over and each of them puts in an ear bud. DEVIN Arcade Fire. See, I told you! Hit next. But I-JOEY DEVIN

JOEY Just do it! Devin hits the next button and a Sam Adams song appears on the screen. They look at each other in defeat. INT. HOUSE - NIGHT Eli enters, holding a funnel and a grocery bag. Joey nudges Devin and they sit up in their seats.

3. Eli tosses them each a PBR. They look down at the beers, at each other, and back up at Eli in confusion. INT. HOUSE - NIGHT Joey paces back and forth while Devin sits on the couch. JOEY Hes either a bro or a hipster, he cant be both. Why not? DEVIN

JOEY Because thats not how stereotypes work! INT. HOUSE - DAY Joey and Devin join Facebook events on their laptops. DEVIN (V.O.) Both sides are having parties tonight. Well have to split up and infiltrate, thats the only way well know for sure. VARIOUS - DAY Devin tries to cover his ears but Joey forces him to listen to an indie band on Pitchfork. JOEY (V.O.) Youre going to have to pretend to like things because you want to impress people, not because you actually like them. We see glimpses of Devin final outfit and accessories. JOEY (V.O.) Irony is everything. You must reject the mainstream to feel unique, even though youll be surrounded by people who are doing the exact same thing. DEVIN But how can I be a nonconformist if Im still conforming?

4. Joey pauses. Exactly. VARIOUS - DAY Joey does bicep curls in front of a mirror. DEVIN (V.O.) Self-centered. Arrogant. Entitled. Bros act this way because theyve never been told no. Joey watches Top Gun and takes notes. DEVIN (V.O.) You have to be the AMOG: Alpha Male of the Group. Never forget that. Joey chugs a party cup while Devin times him. DEVIN (V.O.) Keg stands, face chugs, shotguns, detonators, dunkaroos. Its not a matter of if youll black out, but when. We see glimpses of Joeys final outfit and accessories. DEVIN (V.O.) Never, never question what the point is... because there is none. If someone asks you why youre wearing sunglasses at night, what do you tell them? JOEY Because I drink until the fucking sun comes up! INT. BRO/HIPSTER PARTY - NIGHT (INTERCUT) Joey and Devin enter. Both look the part but get odd looks. A hipster girl notices Devins paperback in his back pocket. Joey does a keg stand. They are taken in. Devin dances while being surrounded by hipster girls. Joey and Devin both see glimpses of Eli but theyre unable to go after him because theyre each with a girl. When they look back hes no longer there. JOEY

5. INT. BRO/HIPSTER PARTY - DAY (INTERCUT) Joey and Devin wake up next to the girl they were with earlier. They sneak out, clearly hungover and still wearing the same outfits from the night before. EXT. CAMPUS - DAY They see each other on the street and Joey raises his hands in disappointment. They spot Eli across the street. Eli notices them and takes off in a sprint. They chase after him into the woods. EXT. ARB - DAY Eli stops running. Joey and Devin come to a halt, looking deranged. JOEY What the hell are you? ELI I guess were gonna find out. They turn to see an army of bros and an army of hipsters. DEVIN It doesnt have to end like this. Just tell us! Eli turns and smiles mischievously. Joey and Devin turn to face each other. They both point at Eli. JOEY Hes a bro! DEVIN Hes a hipster! The armies begin to charge. Bro! JOEY

The armies get closer and closer. Hipster! DEVIN

Moments before they collide we CUT TO BLACK.