SAMMY JINGLES by Patrick Bonner

Draft Dated September 22, 2011

Patrick Bonner hpatrickbonner@gmail.com WGA Registration # 1344071

INT. EMPTY OFFICE Cluttered with celeb gossip rags. From below frame, SAMMY JINGLES pops up, addresses us. SAMMY This on?? (beat) Hi! Um, hello. My name is Sammy Jingles and this is is uh- this is my audition tape. He is naturally friendly, but painfully aware of his mediocrity. That cool friend made somewhat lame by the fact that they try so hard. SUPER TITLE: Sammy Jingles, Real World Audition CUT TO: Sammy fakes an argument with someone off camera. SAMMY (contd) Well, I didnt stick my fingers in your peanut butter... (beat) BECAUSE I ONLY EAT CHUNKY! CUT TO: Sammy, hair fully blown out, wears a tight, black t-shirt with white lettering - GTS: Gym. Tan. Shovel. SUPER TITLE: Sammy Jingles, Arctic Shore Audition Techno music pounds as Sammy fist pumps. CUT TO: Flamboyantly dressed, Sammy wags a finger at us. SUPER TITLE: Sammy Jingles, Say Yes To The Dress Audition SAMMY (contd) Oh honey, no. That sweetheart neckline just will not do! As the audition tapes roll on, each date stamp later and later, Sammy grows increasingly more desperate. CUT TO: Sammy sports a baby bjorn, grins sheepishly at us.

2. SUPER TITLE: Sammy Jingles, 16 & Pregnant Audition SAMMY (contd) This ones more of a hail mary... CUT TO: Sammy holds a plunger, stares pathetically. SUPER TITLE: Sammy Jingles, Septic Adventures Audition SAMMY (contd) Oh, crap.... Defeated, he just stares back at us. Its hopeless. CUT TO: Sammy in self-pity mode. Our camera man pipes up. WHISPERY VOICE (O.S.) Whats the problem, man? SAMMY (whats the point) It's just... I live in the North Pole. With Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, Abominable, Jack Frost... I mean, this place makes people famous. And I've just been waiting for so(beat) Just... Cut it. CLICK! The camera is turned off, the image collapsing in on itself in a blink, turning intoEXT. FROZEN TUNDRA - PRE-DAWN A star shining in the sky. Its light reflects up off of the untouched snow, onto a sign: WELCOME TO THE NORTH POLE CHRISTMASTOWN (arrow pointing right) EVERY OTHER CIVILIZED PLACE ON EARTH (arrow pointing down) A wicked wind whips, uncovering a bottom line. CANADA (arrow pointing left) As the sun begins to rise, we follow the arrow right.

3.

EXT. CHRISTMASTOWN A hodgepodge of residences and businesses, crowded together with no rhyme or reason - Boston wedged inside a snow globe. Elves emerge from homes and donut and coffee shops - They exchange looks... Another day, another dollar... All trudging in the same direction. They all wear classic elf uniforms, from wedged caps all the way down to the pointed shoes. EXT. FUMBLEDRUM TOY FACTORYS IRON GATES Just outside the gate, an elf stops. No one special, an EVERYELF - watches other elves pour in to a MASSIVE COMPOUND, punching the clock, throwing on hard hats. He catches his reflection in a storefront - hes disgusted. A buddy strolls up next to him - Whats the holdup? EVERYELF #1 I dont know if Im up for this. EVERYELF #2 You kidding? Today of all days? Music swells.... Its the synth-y intro of Bon Jovis Livin On A Prayer. Everyelf #1 looks up to the sky and sings. EVERYELF #1
IN CHRISTMASTOWN WE ALL PUNCH THE CLOCK! MAKIN TOYS ALL YEAR ROUND YOU START TO TAKE STOCK, ITS TOUGH. SO TOUGH...

Other elves take notice. EVERYELF #1 (contd)

SANTA GETS THE FORTUNE AND FAME! WHILE IM WORKIN FOR THE MAN. JUST TO BRING HOME SOME PAY. FOR WHAT? FOR WHAT?

His friend throws an arm over his shoulder as they move through the gates, into-

4.

EXT. FUMBLEDRUM TOY FACTORY COURTYARD EVERYELF #2

BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT CHRISTMAS... IS AROUND THE BLOCK! IT DOESNT MAKE A DIFFERENCE IF YOURE FAMOUS OR NOT! WE SHARE IN THE SPIRIT, AND THATS ENOUGH FOR US... CUZ READY OR NOT!

The elf crowd that has gathered watching them, joins in. ELF CHORUS
OHHH! ITS ALMOST HERE! OH! OH! ITS THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR! OUR STOCKINGS ARE HUNG, BY THE CHIMNEY WITH CARE... OH! OH! ITS THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR!

A big BEEFY ELF, monitoring the punch clock, strolls out in front of the group. Is he gonna break it up? BEEFY ELF (a perfect pirhouette)
I USED TO DREAM OF DANCING BALLET! BUT ELVES JUST MAKE TOYS. THATS WHAT PEOPLE SAY. ITS TOUGH... MMM ... SO TOUGH.

Another worker pats him on the back - you inspiring son of a gun - pulls a candy cane from behind his ear, smashes it! ANGRY ELF
I DONT EVEN LIKE CANDY CANES! BUT YOU GET PIGEON-HOLED SOMETIMES IN THIS BUSINESS-

His wife rushes to his side and attempts to soothe him. ANGRY ELFS WIFE
BABY, ITS OKAY! ITS OKAY...

(beat)
BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT CHRISTMAS, IS THE GREAT EQUALIZER. WHETHER YOURE TINY TIM OR THE FREAKIN HEAT MISER! WE SHARE IN THE SPIRIT,

ANGRY ELFS WIFE(cont'd)

AND THATS ENOUGH FOR US... CUZ READY OR NOT!

5.

The whole chorus falls in behind the couple. ELF CHORUS

OHHH! WERE ALMOST THERE! OH! OH! ITS THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR! THE SMELL OF COOKIES, WAFTIN THROUGH THE AIR! OH! OH! ITS THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR!

Everyelf #2 slides on his knees to the front of the chorus. EVERYELF #2

CHRISTMAS-TIME IS HERE!

The group dances around a corner of the toy factory towardsEXT. FUMBLEDRUM TOY FACTORY - LOADING DOCK A huge open area in mid-decoration, preparing for a big celebration. A large clock tower on the left reads: 6:59 AM EVERYELF #2
WE GOTTA HOLD ON... JUST WAIT AND SEE. CUZ NO ONES A NO ONE ON CHRISTMAS EVE!

The crowd roars in approval as everyone sings. ELF CHORUS

OHHH! ITS ALMOST HERE! OH! OH! ITS THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR! OUR STOCKINGS ARE HUNG BY THE CHIMNEY WITH CARE... OH! OH! ITS THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR!

(beat)
OHHH! WERE ALMOST THERE! OH! OH! ITS THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR! THE SMELL OF COOKIES, WAFTIN THROUGH THE AIR! OH! OH! ITS THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR!

As their singing fades, CLOSE ON the clock - 7:00 AM.

6.

INT. KITCHEN PULL BACK revealing a similar clock showing the same time, sitting on a kitchen counter. Across from it, a blank piece of paper sits next to a steaming apple pie. A child enters, piles two phone books on a chair, and sits at the counter. Pencil in hand, she begins to write. AMERICAN GIRL (V.O.) Dear Santa Claus... I have been aCUT TO: INT. IRISH COTTAGE - CONTINUOUS A boy sits at a desk. Through a window to his left, we can see Irelands Cliffs of Moher. IRISH BOY (V.O.) Lovely lad this year. And I think itd be grand if you could bring meEXT. FRENCH BISTRO - CONTINUOUS A boy sits next to his mother at an outdoor table on the streets on Paris, the Eiffel Tower looming in the distance. FRENCH BOY (V.O.) Sil vous plait, Pere Noel, I wish for you to bring meEXT. FOOT OF THE CHRIST THE REDEEMER STATUE, RIO DE JANEIRO A small girl sits, penning her letter to Santa on her lap. BRAZILLIAN GIRL (V.O.) Princess Unicorn. Ela muito bonita. I have been very good this year. IINT. AUSTRALIAN APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS A small boy lies on his bed. Out the window, the Sydney Opera House lies across Sydney Harbour.

7. AUSTRALIAN BOY (V.O.) Didnt even get in one barney wit my sister, an that nipper could earbash a bloke to death! So the pressie that I really want is... The boy stops, thinking hard until... His eyes light up! ECU on his pencil, forced down harder and harder. Follow the pencil as he writes, A MEGA THUNDER DINO WARRIOR. CUT TO: INT. TOY FACTORY - WISH ROOM ECU on a large book. At least 1000 pages, old and worn, opened to a blank page. When all of a sudden... A MEGA THUNDER DINO WARRIOR, in the Australian boys handwriting magically appears on the page. PULL BACK to reveal the book is encased in glass, behind a velvet rope, with a security guard sitting next to it. The security guard, EMO LEEDS, sits on a stool, half asleep listening to his iPod. He is wearing what look like a pair of 3D glasses. An electric guitar and amp sit behind his stool. Across the room, a group of 50 or so elves, varied in age, sit, all wearing the same glasses, staring at the book. As the text appears in the book, the groups lets out a collective OOOOOHHHH.... Sammy Jingles, our tour guide, steps to the front. SAMMY Ladies and Gentlemen: The Wishbook. (beat) And please, for your own safety, do not approach it. Our security guard may look like hes sleeping, but hes got catlike reflexes! Emo sweeps his jet black hair away from his eyes. An unbuttoned uniform reveals a t-shirt: NOT AFRAID TO CRY. EMO (removing his earbuds) What? Oh... hey. A child from the tour group pipes up.

8. CHILD 1 Why do we have these dorky glasses? He moves to take them off, but the book flips to a page with writing on it, and a green flash explodes up into the air! The tour group lets out a collective WHOOOOAAAAA..... SAMMY (addressing Child 1) Let me ask you something big guy Ever written a letter to Santa? The child nods, never taking his gaze off the book. SAMMY (contd) And isnt there always one thing you want the most? That one present above all others that you wish Santa would bring you? The child nods again, entranced by the book. SAMMY (contd) Well this book is how Santa Claus knows exactly what you want. (addressing everyone) Whenever a good little boy or girl writes a letter to Santa, they always tend to press their pencil down just a little bit harder when theyre telling him what it is they really want; what it is they wish for. And when they do that, that wish shows up in this book. Sammy reads from the page where the green light exploded. SAMMY (contd) See here... Little William Poirier wanted a puppy for Christmas. Maybe he got it early. The great thing about wishes is that they come true every day. And when they do... Almost on cue, another green flash explodes out of the book. SAMMY (contd) Well... There you go. Another child, less awestruck then Child 1, speaks up. He is somewhat cross-eyed.

9. CROSS-EYED CHILD I still dont see why we have to wear these stupid glasses. That green light was nothing. I once took a pair of binoculars and stared at a solar eclipse for like, 20 minutes. And Im fine. Sammy unconsciously stares at the boys crossed eyes. SAMMY Right, well... You have a point. Theres actually no harm in seeing some kinds of wishes come true. Poof! Another flash of green light bursts from the book and a few people, including Cross-eyes, take their glasses off. SAMMY (contd) NO WAIT! (beat) The glasses are not meant to protect you from basic wishes. But that doesnt mean that there arent stronger, more powerful wishes just waiting to explode. And those are the kind that can cause damage. CLICK! Sammy uses a remote and unveils a chart hidden behind a panel on the wall - The Wish Advisory System. It shows five different levels of wishes: Green (easily attainable), Blue (minor hassle), Yellow (significant effort required), Orange (once in a lifetime), and Red. SAMMY (contd) There are all different kinds of wishes, folks. (back to Cross-eyes) What do you want for Christmas? CROSS-EYED CHILD Uhhh... A PS3. SAMMY Green. Done. Boom. (to everyone) See, a lot of wishes are just that easy. But not everyone writes us a letter, tells us what they want. Still, oftentimes all it takes is a little attention.

10. He approaches a frumpy elf in the tour group, pulls a rose from his coat and hands it to her, with a charming smile. POOF! A blue flash as she clearly cherishes the attention. SAMMY (contd) We see mostly green and blue wishes around here. Every so often, theres a yellow. Honestly, you dont need to wear the glasses for any of those. And you need to have millions of people wishing for the exact same thing to have an orange wish come true. But if it does... Look out. Ive only ever actually seen one orange wish come true. CLICK! Sammy uses the remote again and the Wish Advisory System chart is replaced with a Quick Time video. INSERT VIDEO: 2004 World Series Final Out. PULL BACK to reveal Sammy, clad in Red Sox gear, going nuts. Emo pops champagne and pours it on Sammy. In the background, the wish book flips page after page, releasing an orange flash for every wish come true. But the light doesnt fade - it bounces around, growing bigger and brighter until... BOOM! The glass surrounding the Wish Book shatters and the video is cut short. BACK TO SCENE SAMMY (contd) Once in a lifetime. CROSS-EYED CHILD Well, what about red? It doesnt even have a description. SAMMY Reds on the chart because technically, its possible. But I wouldnt be too worried about it happening. (beat) Theres no explanation because, well, theres no explaining a redlevel wish. Some things defy everything we know. Like the kind of magic Santa Claus has. How did he get it? How does he use it?

SAMMY(cont'd) (getting sentimental) Personally, I believe we all have that kind of magic inside us. We just dont know how to let it out.
CROSS-EYED CHILD Really??? SAMMY Nah, Im just messing with ya! (beat) Honestly, I have no idea what it takes for a red-level wish to come true. But, maybe later today, well find out. Because today is the most important day of my life. Today, my lifelong wish could come true.

11.

Sammy signals for the tour group to follow him. He leads them down a long hallway, walking backwards. SAMMY (contd) You see, theres a big promotion up for grabs, and Mr. F- Im sorry, thats Elmore Fumbledrum, the owner of this factory. I call him Mr. F; little inside I guess... Anyway, hes going to name the new CEO today and rumors are swirling that yours truly is movin on up... Following Sammy, the tour group begins to pass framed pictures on the wall. Theyre of celebrities who have taken the same tour, all posing with Sammy. - Tom Hanks with an arm around Sammy. - Jay Z and Sammy flashing peace signs. SAMMY (contd) Ive been the director of PR here at the factory for a few years. Met my fair share of celebs... Sammy flips open his cell phone to a picture of him with his arm around Jack Frost, shows it to a tour group member standing near him. SAMMY (contd) Boom. Me and Jack Frost... Chilling, so to speak. No big deal. Just another day in my life...

SAMMY(cont'd) And thats what this factory needs right now - a charismatic sort to lead us forward.

12.

But the more pics we see, the more obvious it is that Sammy has shoe-horned himself in, making some celebs uncomfortable. - Sammy with a clearly annoyed Sandra Bullock. - A clay-mation Hermie The Elf pointing an angry finger at Sammy. - Russell Crowe actually strangling Sammy. SAMMY (contd) (getting nostalgic) Cant say I wont miss this job though. Dropped a lotta knowledge in these halls. Maybe even changed a couple lives... I got factoids and tidbits, anecdotes and oneliners like you read about, know what Im sayin? An old woman in the group pounds her chest - I feel you, dog. SAMMY (contd) (breaking the reverie) But enough about that. Because thisHe shoves open a set of swinging doors and the tour group follows him into... INT. TOY FACTORY FLOOR - CONTINUOUS SAMMY -is where we make wishes come true. The tour groups jaws collectively drop. A warehouse the length of a football field stands in front of them. Elves shuffle back and forth, up and down ladders, creating toys of all shapes and sizes. Presents zip in every direction on conveyor belts. SAMMY (contd) See... Everyone has wishes. And every year, we write them down in a letter to Santa. And we keep a hope burning inside of us that Santa will read our letter and grant our wish.

SAMMY(cont'd) Those kind of hopes smolder, creating a fire that burns for years and years.
CHILD 1 So we didnt start the fire?

13.

Sammy grins. The opening bars of Billy Joels We Didnt Start the Fire begin to play as the room fills with music. SAMMY We all writes letters to Santa. And what we do here is make sure those letters get answered and those wishes are granted. Sammy struts through the factory floor, stops at an assembly line, and starts to rifle through all the toys as he sings. SAMMY (contd)
ETCH-A-SKETH , PET ROCKS, TINKER TOYS AND BUILDING BLOCKS; CABBAGE PATCH AND RAINBOW BRITE , TICKLE-ME-ELMO!

Elves dance, displaying the toys as he rattles them off. SAMMY (contd)
KOOSH BALLS, POUND PUPPIES, iPHONES FOR KIDS OF YUPPIES; CHUTES AND LADDERS, DOLLS WITH BLADDERS, GO SLINKY, GO!

Sammy pumps his fist as a slinky scales a set of stairs. SAMMY (contd)
RADIO FLYER WAGONS, HAND HELD DOUBLE DRAGON; SPEAK-N-SAY, ROLLERSKATES , LEARN TO COOK WITH EASY-BAKE. GI JOES WITH KUNG FU GRIP, YOU JUST SUNK MY BATTLESHIP; MALL MADNESS, MYSTERY DATE, STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE!

Sammy approaches an older member of the tour group as all the elves sing the chorus. ELF CHORUS
YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SANTA. IN 1952, YOU GOT A HULA HOOP! WE ALL WRITE LETTERS TO SANTA. CUZ ALL GOOD GIRLS AND BOYS DESERVE THE NEWEST TOYS!

14. Sammy tosses a hula hoop around her waist and she puts it to use as Sammy breaks into the second verse. SAMMY
SMURFS , MONCHICHI AND WUZZLES. CLUE, RISK, JIGSAW PUZZLES; SHRINKY DINKS , TIDDLY WINKS, SNOOPY SNO-CONE! LINCOLN LOGS, TRADING POGS , READ ALONG WITH LEAPFROG; BARBIES GOT A DREAM MANSION AND A MOBILE HOME!

One elf waves from atop Barbies dream mansion. Another honks a red-neckish horn, cruising by in Barbies Mobile Home. SAMMY (contd)
AUTOBOTS , DECEPTICONS , THUNDERCATS AND VOLTRON ; CARE BEARS, MY BUDDY, PLAY-DO, SILLY PUTTY! LASER TAG, YO-YO, VIEW-MASTER, UNO; SCOOBY DO, RUBIKS CUBE, HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS!

Sammy approaches a 20-something in the tour group as the second chorus comes around and the Elf Chorus sings. ELF CHORUS
YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SANTA. IN 1986, YOU ASKED FOR PICK-UP STIX! WE ALL WRITE LETTERS TO SANTA! CUZ ALL GOOD GIRLS AND BOYS DESERVE THE NEWEST TOYS!

Sammy dumps a tin of Pick-Up Stix on the floor and the kid drops to his knees like a child and starts to play. SAMMY
LIGHT BRIGHT, TRAIN SETS, CANDY LAND, CHIA PETS; JUNGLE HUNT, PAC MAN AND PONG , ASTEROIDS AND DONKEY KONG! PICTIONARY , OPERATION, SPIN ART, PLAY STATION; POKEMON LIKE MUK AND SQUIRTLE , TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!

Sammy does a flying ninja kick as he goes on. SAMMY (contd)

FLEXIBLE FLYER SLEDS, MR. POTATO HEAD; PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS GIVES YOU EARINGS AND A CROWN.

SAMMY(cont'd)
INTELLIVISION, ATARI , X-BOX, NINTENDO WII ; WEEBLES TEND TO WOBBLE BUT THEY WONT FALL DOWN!

15.

ELF CHORUS
AFTER YOU WRITE A LETTER TO SANTA... YOU DO AS YOURE TOLD SO THAT YOU WONT GET COAL. WE ALL WRITE LETTERS TO SANTA! CUZ ALL GOOD GIRLS AND BOYS DESERVE THE NEWEST TOYS.

Sammy busts through the middle of the chorus and sings. SAMMY
I WROTE A LETTER TO SANTA! AND IT WASNT LONG TIL I GOT STRETCH-

Sammy stretches Stretch Armstrong as far as it can go, until it snaps back, catapulting him into a toy assembly line! Toys fall all over the place and a conveyor belt snaps under the weight. Alarms go off and the tour group is rushed out. As fires are put out, Emo strolls up and looks down at Sammy, slowly coming to under a pile of destroyed toys. EMO Lame, dude. Tres lame. BANG! The doors to the factory floor swing open and in walks ELMORE L FUMBLEDRUM. Old and wrinkled, with all the hair that fled his head settled in his ears, he has quite the mad scientist quality Kris Kringle meets Chris Walken. At his side is his son, ARNOLD - a new age celebutante equal parts rock star and jack-ass in the Brody Jenner mold. Arnold is flanked by his personal security: SNARK, wiry, with eyes darting everywhere, and FOIL, whos wide and squat, sporting a permanent look of bewilderment. And behind them all is EMMA LEEDS - Elmores #2 - cute and nerdy-cool in an elf-next-door way, but seemingly always relegated to the background. ELMORE (surveying the damage) My goodness. This is... Well this is a fine mess.

16. Arnold is oblivious as he texts on his iPhone. SAMMY Im sorry, Mr. Fumbledrum. I certainly didnt meanELMORE Oh, nonsense. This just means we have to create new toys! Ooh, or what about a toy that creates messes for kids to pick up?!? EMMA Its really ok... We have the inventory to offset this withoutEMO (stirring the pot) Wow, look at this. The three front runners for todays big promotion... All together at once. Elmore, apparently not having considered it, turns and looks at the three of them: Arnold texting, Sammy on his butt, and Emma, smiling sweetly. As subtly as she can, Emma reaches a hand down and helps Sammy to his feet. ELMORE Thats not today. Im making that announcement on Christmas Eve. Awkward... EMMA Today is Christmas Eve, sir. Elmore turns and shuffles out of the room, mumbling. Sammy brushes himself off, smiles at Emma. SAMMY Thanks Emma, forEMMA Yeah, no biggie. I oughta... She nods her head in the direction Elmore shuffled off. She exits as Sammy dusts himself off, realizes-

17. SAMMY (calling after her) Good luck today! Too late. Shes gone. Leaving Arnold sneering at Sammy. ARNOLD Good luck with what? Hoping I hire her to be my secretary when he gives me the factory? EMO You really think youre going to be promoted? ARNOLD Well. He-is-my-dad. Duh. EMO Yeah, so he should know better than anyone that youd run this place into the ground. ARNOLD (eyes back on his phone) Foil, hit this guy. Foil drops Emo with a shot to the shoulder as Arnold exits. Arnold and his goons walks across the room and stop at a door marked PRIVATE. Snark swipes a key card on the door, careful not to let is swing wide open. He holds it for Arnold and then Foil makes sure to shut it tightly behind them. Sammy helps Emo to his feet. SAMMY What do you thinks back there? EMO I dont know... Maybe a support group for pompous jerks? SAMMY Why do you have such a problem with Arnold? EMO One of us has to. Youre too busy stammering like some fanboy. Oh... and hes a pompous jerk.

18. SAMMY Hes famous! EMO So? Whatever. They drop it - its the same argument they have all the time. They head out, passing by a TRAINING AREA.. INT. TRAINING AREA - CONTINUOUS Elves train like militia, running through drills simulating tricky Christmas situations: a house with no chimney; a house with a large dog; etc... A DRILL SERGEANT barks commands as one SMALL ELF, hands on his knees, fights for breath. DRILL SERGEANT Everybody thinks that Santa just strolls into town and goes from house to house eating cookies... But we know thats not true, dont we soldier? Us elves, were the primary wave; first on the ground. We check things out for the big man and make sure hes GTG. SMALL ELF GTG? DRILL SERGEANT GOOD TO GO! (beat) POP QUIZ, HOTSHOT! Youre doing recon work in St Paul where some generous, yet unthinking soul has left cookies for not only Santa, but all his reindeer as well. You know about Comets wheat allergy and these dont look like glutenfree cookies... What do you do... WHAT DO YOU DO??? SMALL ELF (panting, hands shaking) I jus- I guess Id... I dontDRILL SERGEANT YOU EAT THE COOKIE! YOU EAT ALL THE REINDEERS COOKIES! I cant believe-

19. Sammy and Emo walk past the situation, as the small elf continues to get chewed out. They use an exit that sits next to an empty training room, one that resembles a living room. CLOSE ON the FIREPLACE in the empty room. INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT PULL BACK - a real living room with stockings hung by a tree sagging with ornaments. A coffee table proffers a glass of milk and plate of cookies. A dusting of soot falls inside the fireplace. Then a large black boot appears as SANTA CLAUS emerges. He drops his sack of gifts, surveys the room and cracks his back. He sees the cookies and blows out an annoyed breath. He approaches the cookies, shakes his head, and begins to stuff his face. Its not pretty. Crumbs everywhere, milk dripping down his suit. Hes laboring... Just then, the CAMERA shakes a little; its hand-held! It rises and rushes right at Santa. CAMERA MAN SANTA! SANTA! Im with Celebrity Access. Any comments for all the children out there? SANTA CLAUS (hand blocking the camera) No paparazzi! Santa reaches for his sack and, like a gunslinger, distributes 20 presents under the tree. He rushes for the fireplace, but cant get his fat gut back up it. The camera follows, almost on top of him. CAMERA MAN Santa! It looks like you really let yourself go this year! Realizing he cant get up the chimney, Santa pushes past the camera man, knocking him over. SHOT: THE CAMERA LIES ON ITS SIDE, CAPTURING SANTA AS HE BLOWS OUT THE FRONT DOOR, PEEKING BACK OVER HIS SHOULDER. CUT TO:

20.

INT. HOME GYM CLICK! The screen pauses on Santa looking over his shoulder as he heads out the door. Paused, its easier to see a double chin and just how much Santas gut hangs over his pants. A HAND uses a remote to rewind and replay the incident. The video plays on a large flat screen TV. Across the room lies a Bowflex, a weight bench, and a treadmill. The owner of the hand is seen only from behind. He is tall and muscular. He approaches the Bowflex and starts working out - hard - pressing himself, grunting. He moves to the weight bench, starts doing presses. Thrusting the weights up, he has tatoos running across all four knuckles on each hand: HO-HO, HO-HO Taking a break, he approaches a mirror and begins to flex. MRS CLAUS (O.S.) You better not be watching that tape again! As she yells at him. The figure swings his head; its SANTA. His beard, tied narrow with a sweat band, swings wildly. SANTA CLAUS Its my motivation! He turns back to flexing in the mirror as Mrs. Claus enters and we finally see him. Santa is jacked - and he knows it. SANTA CLAUS (contd) (in the mirror) Oh, yeah. How bout that? (another pose) What about this? (points at himself) You are in shape. And in charge. Mrs Claus rolls her eyes as the clip ends once again with Santa ducking out the door. But as its not paused this time, it continues to Ryan Seacrest RYAN SEACREST (ON TV) That was the scene last Christmas, captured by Celebrity Access in a La Jolla home, where it looked like Saint Nick opted for roly poly over holly jolly-

21. CLICK! Santa turns off the television in disgust. SANTA CLAUS See! You see that? California! He clicks another button on his remote and a large projection screen emerges from the ceiling, showing a map of the world. Highlighted dots appear on the map, all over the Midwest and west coasts of North and South America. SANTA CLAUS (contd) These are all of the Santa Sightings in the last 5 years. Look at this, all in the Western Hemisphere. All towards the end of my night. No one has ever caught me in China, or Russia, or even South Africa. When Im at the top of my game, I am undetectable! MRS CLAUS Sweetheart, if you get worked upSANTA CLAUS Dont you see, Momma? I have to be in top shape to pull this off. He clicks a button on his remote, and the projection screen changes from the map of the world to a large calculator. SANTA CLAUS (contd) There are six billion people in the world. Two billion children. Of those children, 30%, or 600 million, believe in me. If you take an average of three kids per household, that means I have 200 million households to visit. Sure you could knock off 3% for the naughty kids, but whos to say that a naughty child doesnt live with a nice child? (beat) And every single household leaves something for me to eat! Mrs Claus remains calm as Santa begins to work himself up. MRS CLAUS So why dont you just not eat it?

22. SANTA CLAUS (blasphemy) Not eat it! Do that and the kids say... Oh look at that; There are presents here, but no one ate the food. Maybe there IS NO SANTA CLAUS! MRS CLAUS I know you want to take care of everyone else. But I want you to take care of yourself. Thats all... Besides, dont you think part of why youre so worked up is that Elmores naming a successor at the factory? That touches a nerve... But Santa waves it off. SANTA CLAUS Ehh... Just another suit between me making wishes come true. And to do that, I have to remember: Its a marathon, not a sprint. As ripped and awesome as I look now. (flexes and winks at himself in the mirror) I have to do it for the children. Even if it means tarnishing this toned temple of mine. (beat) I mean... Consider all of the things that I have to eat... He clicks a remote and the map of the world re-appears on the projector screen. But music also fills the room. Its the opening chords of The Proclaimers Im Gonna Be (500 Miles). A red line from the North Pole to various destinations starts to track Santas journey around the world as he sings. Next to the map, an image of Santa also appears. SANTA CLAUS (contd)
I START IN RUSSIA,

AND YOU KNOW IM GONNA EAT, IM GONNA EAT SOME RUSSIAN TEA COOKIES AND MILK. AND IN AUSTRALIA, WELL ITS SUMMERTIME DOWN THERE. SO THEY LEAVE ME OUT SOME ANZAC BISCUITS AND A BEER. BUT I WONT GET DRUNK!

SANTA CLAUS(cont'd)
CUZ I KNOW IN NEW DELHI, AWAITING MES A MANGO TREE AND A
FEAST.

23.

THEN ON TO EGYPT, WHERE THE PEOPLE EAT A FATA , AND I GET SWEET DELICIOUS KAHK S ON A PLATTER!

Santa moves in front of the mirror, looking over his body as he sings the chorus. As the red lines moves along, the pounds begin to pile on to the projected image of Santas body. SANTA CLAUS (contd)
CUZ ILL PUT ON ONE HUNDRED POUNDS! AND THEN ILL PUT ON ONE HUNDRED MORE! JUST TO ADD TWO HUNDRED POUNDS OF FLAB TO MY SWEET, MANLY, CHISELED CORE!

The red line continues on, from Egypt to Italy... SANTA CLAUS (contd)
THEN ON TO VENICE. AND ITS TIME TO CALL THE DENTIST. CUZ ILL BE STUFFED FULL OF PANFORTE AND TURRONE. AND THEN IN FRANCE, I HAVE TO LOOSEN UP MY PANTS AND EAT ALMOST EVERY SWEET HUNG ON THE TREE. AND IN BERLIN; OH MY GOSH I LOVE BERLIN. THEY LEAVE DELICIOUS LITTLE SWEET BUNS, THOMASPLITZCHEN. WHEN I REACH SWEDEN, WELL YOU KNOW THAT ILL BE EATIN ILL EAT THESE LITTLE TINY BROWNIES CALLED JULTOMTEN.

Mrs Claus looks on, mystified, as Santa moves to the mirror, flexing, and tightening his defined abs. The image of Santa on the screen, however, has clearly added some fat rolls. SANTA CLAUS (contd)
CUZ ILL PUT ON ONE HUNDRED POUNDS! AND THEN ILL PUT ON ONE HUNDRED MORE! JUST TO ADD TWO HUNDRED POUNDS OF FLAB TO MY SWEET, MANLY, CHISELED CORE!

24. The red line jumps from Sweden to London... SANTA CLAUS (contd)
WHEN IM IN LONDON, I FEEL A WHOLE LOT LIKE A GLUTTON. AND LOOK OUT THIGHS CUZ MINCE MEAT PIES ARE LEFT FOR ME. AND SPANISH CUSTOM, AS IT IS THEY LEAVE ME ROSCONS. A DISH THATS FAR TOO RICH FOR THE LIKES OF ME. AND IN BRAZIL, THATS WHERE I REALLY EAT MY FILL. AS I PARTAKE IN SOME FRUITCAKE AND BARBECUE. AND IN THE STATES, THEY LEAVE ME MILK AND COOKIE PLATES. AND ITS LUCK I DONT UPCHUCK BEFORE IM THROUGH. I SWEAR ITS LUCK I DONT UPCHUCK BEFORE IM THROUGH!

Mrs Claus now sees Santa juxtaposed next to the image of himself, weighted down with two hundred extra pounds; fat in his face and body. SANTA CLAUS (contd)
SEE, CUZ

ILL PUT ON ONE HUNDRED POUNDS! AND THEN ILL PUT ON ONE HUNDRED MORE! JUST TO ADD TWO HUNDRED POUNDS OF FLAB TO MY SWEET, MANLY, CHISELED CORE!

As he sings, the image of the fat Santa Claus begins to eat food from an endless supply of plates. First cookies, then biscuits, brownies, taffy... SANTA CLAUS (contd)
HERES ANOTHER! AND ANOTHER! YET ANOTHER! AND ANOTHER! I ADD TWO CHINS AND ITS ALL WITHIN ONE CHRISTMAS EVE!

The on screen Santa continues eating and getting fatter. SANTA CLAUS (contd)
HERES ANOTHER! AND ANOTHER! YET ANOTHER! AND ANOTHER! SOMEONE LIGHT A MATCH. THIS GIVES ME GAS LIKE YOU CANT BELIEVE!

25. The on screen Santa looks exhausted as his body becomes more and more distended. SANTA CLAUS (contd)
HERES ANOTHER! AND ANOTHER! YET ANOTHER! AND ANOTHER! FOR BOYS AND GIRLS ACROSS THE WORLD
ILL EAT THE SWEETIES!

HERES ANOTHER! AND ANOTHER! YET ANOTHER! AND ANOTHER! BUT DONT BE SURPRISED WHEN SANTA DIES FROM DIABETES!

Finally, the on screen Santa stops eating. He sucks in air, struggling, peering out over his massive gut. SANTA CLAUS (contd)
CUZ ILL PUT ON ONE HUNDRED POUNDS! AND THEN ILL PUT ON ONE HUNDRED MORE! JUST TO ADD TWO HUNDRED POUNDS OF FLAB TO MY SWEET, MANLY, CHISELED CORE!

The real Santa flexes once again. Mrs Claus looks appalled. MRS CLAUS So thats it? SANTA CLAUS What do you mean, thats it? MRS CLAUS Well it seems to me that whichever way you choose is no good... You can either eat too much and get fat or you can work out too much and get too burly... SANTA CLAUS (flexing) So... MRS CLAUS So either way youre gonna explode! BOOM! The wall behind them explodes! As the debris settles, Mrs Claus stumbles to her feet, only to realize that Santa is gone.

26. MRS CLAUS (contd) Poppa... POPPA! She stares out the hole in the wall into swirling winds, then rushes to the phone and dials 9-1-1. MRS CLAUS (contd) (into the phone) Hello?! Hello, police? I need to report a kidnapping... Yes, my husband... My name? My name is Mrs Claus... What? No. Just Mrs. Mrs Claus. I just dont - LISTEN! Santa Claus has been kidnapped... Yes. The Santa Claus. (looks to the clock) Its noon on Christmas Eve and millions of children are depending on Santa! I dont think we have time to discuss why I dont have a first name! She slams the phone down. MRS CLAUS (contd) (to herself) Why dont I have a first name? EXT. FUMBLEDRUM TOY FACTORY COURTYARD HONK! A whistle blows and elves pour out of factory, Sammy and Emo among them. SAMMY You think hes gonna give Arnold the promotion, right? No, Emma. EMO Shrug. SAMMY Its gotta be Emma. Shes been his number two, basically running the company, for years now. She knows the inner workings- Wait, what was that? EMO What? Im indifferent.

27. SAMMY But you said shrug? Are you so apathetic that you cant raise your shoulders? EMO Shrug. They disappear under the awning of The Thirsty Reindeer. Across the street from the bar stand residential homes. Two elderly elves, IGBY and BUTTONSWORTH, stand on ladders, hanging decorations from their gutters. BUTTONSWORTH Whats the missus got you puttin up today? IGBY Candy canes! You? BUTTONSWORTH Fake snow! Can you believe it? Ive lived here all my life and never seen a day without a dusting. But apparently we need to hang some fake snow to make it look authentic! (beat) You know what I really wanna hang? IGBY The wife? They each laugh and return to hanging decorations. INT. THE THIRSTY REINDEER Its a varied crowd. Elves, reindeer, penguins, even a couple snowmen sit under cool-conditioners, blowing frigid air. Sammy and Emo reach the bar, and greet FRANK THE BARTENDER. FRANK THE BARTENDER Sammy! Emo! What can I getcha? EMO Hey, Frank. Gimme a nog. SAMMY Nog light.

28. FRANK THE BARTENDER Nog light? You ok, man? Sammy doesnt say anything. FRANK THE BARTENDER (contd) Oh yeah... Todays the big day, right. A job on the top floor! SAMMY I kinda screwed up my chances. FRANK THE BARTENDER Well... Its Christmas, right. I mean, theyre probably alreadyAs Frank continues, Emma enters and waves sweetly. Something clicks for Sammy... Is Emma hot??? FRANK THE BARTENDER (contd) Isnt that right, Sammy? Nothing. Sammys zoned out, staring at Emma. EMO Dude, shes my sister. SAMMY (snapping out of it) Uhh... Yeah, Frank. Totally... EMMA Hey guys. She gives Emo a kiss hello and then turns to Sammy. She extends a hand and he mistakes it for a lead into a hug. He moves to hug her and she backs up a little, startled. Awkward... He fist bumps her instead. ARNOLD (O.S.) EMMA! Arnold enters, and is mobbed by people looking for an autograph. His two goons fend most of them off, but Arnold stops for a cell phone pic with the occasional hot elf. ARNOLD (contd) GET ME A NOG! EGG! SAMMY This is awesome...

29. EMO What? Why? You see him every day. SAMMY But people dont see him with me. Sammy smiles, and strolls toward Arnold, super-confident. HARVEY ELFEN, sleazebag reporter extraordinaire, pushes his way through the crowd, slams a mic in Arnolds face. HARVEY ELFEN Arnold! Harvey Elfen, Celebrity Access. Kinda seems like youre a lock to be named the next CEO of Fumbledrum Toys. Any big plans for the future? ARNOLD (smirking) Big doesnt even begin to describe it, Harv. Arnold winks, and moves past Harvey, right towards... Sammy, who extends a hand, like they were best pals. SAMMY Arnold.. Wussup myNever breaking stride, Arnold drapes his coat over Sammys arm, otherwise ignoring him. EMO (wincing) Yikes... A starstruck penguin slides up next to Emo. STARSTRUCK PENGUIN You know Arnold Fumbledrum??? EMO Unfortunately. STARSTRUCK PENGUIN Are you kidding?? He dated LC from The Chills, and Audrina from Survivor: Antarctica! Emo ignores the chattering penguin, watching Sammy, not so easily defeated, position himself near Arnold, whos stopped to sign autographs.

30. Without Arnold noticing, Sammy holds out his iPhone to snap a pic of the two of them together. Its weird. STARSTRUCK PENGUIN (contd) I saw pictures of him in NP Weekly... taking out his trash! Hes just like us! As Arnold finally makes it over to Emo and Emma, Sammy slides in as nonchalantly as a celeb-stalker can. ARNOLD Sup guys? SAMMY Oh, Arnold. Didnt see you come in. EMO Never seen you here before, Arnold. Trying to look like a man of the people before the big announcement? ARNOLD Nooooo... I justFRANK THE BARTENDER HEY! EVERYBODY QUIET DOWN! On the TV, ANDERSON COOLER, dapper-dressed, silver haired elf reporter, stands in front of the hole in the wall at Santas. ANDERSON COOLER (ON TV) Im Anderson Cooler with PNN, standing in front of the home of Santa Claus, who was kidnapped from his home early this evening. Details are sketchy at best but authorities believe the kidnapper to be none other than The Abominable Snowman. Police have said to be on the lookout for, and I quote, A big snowman carrying a fat bearded dude. (beat) While police are well aware of The Abominables presumed location, the perils of the ice forest are assumed to be too great a risk, even if it means saving Santa! INSERT SHOT: THE NORTH POLE POLICE SETTING UP BARRICADES ON THE BORDER OF AN ICED-COVERED, OVERGROWN FOREST.

31. NORTH POLE POLICE CHIEF (ON TV) Ladies and gentlemen, I understand the concern. But no ones ever come out of the ice forest alive. Its just too great a risk for me to let anyone go in there. BACK TO SCENE: ANDERSON COOLER ON THE TV ANDERSON COOLER Well bring you more as this story develops. Back to you, Wolf. The shot transitions to WOLF BLITZEN, an actual wolf, though neatly dressed and bespectacled, solemnly reporting the news. WOLF BLITZEN (ON TV) Shocking news, Anderson. (beat) In other sad news, the gates were officially closed today at Frostys Winter Wonderland, the ill-fated, multi-million dollar theme park designed, financed and run by Frosty The Snowman. INSERT VIDEO CLIP: A BARREN AND DESOLATE FUN PARK. A snowflake tumbleweed drifts across the shot. BACK TO SCENE: WOLF BLITZEN ON THE TV WOLF BLITZEN (on TV) (contd) Mr. Frosty has been unavailable forCLICK! Frank shuts off the TV in the suddenly somber bar. FRANK THE BARTENDER Looks like Christmas is cancelled. People grumble and stir, obviously upset. EMMA We should do something. This is gonna ruin everyones Christmas. Arnolds too busy making a call on his cell, disappearing behind the wall that is Foil for some privacy. Emma hops up on the bar, surprisingly assertive.

32. EMMA (contd) Hey, everybody! This is gonna be ok. Santas gonna be fine! Our town is gonna be fine. People mumble. EMMA (contd) Im serious. And besides, isnt there more to Christmas than waiting to get presents? RANDOM REINDEER Like what?! EMMA (indignant) Like what?! (hadnt thought ahead) Like... What? Like... Like... She approaches a TIPSY SNOWMAN, slumped in a booth. EMMA (contd) Tell me one thing that you like about Christmas. TIPSY SNOWMAN I dunno... EMMA Come on. One thing? TIPSY SNOWMAN I like how its all... Christmassy? Emma slumps her shoulders. SAMMY I like Christmas songs. Emma shoots him a grateful smile. EMMA See? Who else? Theres lots of stuff to like about Christmas. SNOWMAN #1 Well, what do you like?

33. EMMA Me? When it comes to Christmas, theres really only one thing for me. But I dont just like it... She runs and skids across the floor, bumping the jukebox with her hips. It comes to the life and Joan Jett & The Blackhearts I Love Rock N Roll begins to play. Emma stops under some mistletoe. EMMA (contd)
I SEE IT HANGING THERE WITH LEAVES OF GREEN. MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SIGHT, OF ALL TO BE SEEN. CUZ IF YOURE UNDER IT, THEN YOU KNOW YOULL GET A KISS... AND AFTER THAT IT WONT BE LONG TIL YOURE SINGING WITH ME. YEAH, ME! AFTER THAT IT WONT BE LONG TIL YOURE SINGING WITH ME. YEAH, ME! SINGING...

Everyone in the bar rises and forms a circle around Emma. Most everyone, that is, except for Arnold. Looking on as if its all so childish, he continues talking on his iPhone. His goons flank him, and lurking in the corner behind them is Harvey Elfen, his gaze fixed on Arnolds every move. EMMA (contd)
I LOVE MISTLETOE! AND THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON OF CHRISTMAS, BABY! I LOVE MISTLETOE! SO COME AND PLANT A BIG WET KISS ON ME!!! OW!

Sammy smiles, on the fringe of the circle. Emo cups a hand around his ear. EMO Did you hear that? Sounds like someones thunder being stolen! SAMMY What are you talking about?

34. EMO Oh come on... Arnold comes down here, tonight of all nights. And now Emmas little miss rockstar? SAMMY Yeah, next thing you know, youre gonna get up and play guitar for everyone... Oh wait, I forgot... Youre too chicken! EMO This isnt about me, pal. She was always the brains, but now it looks like shes the show too. So what do we need you for? SAMMY (backing toward the fray) What do we need me for? ME??? Sammy smiles, turns and steps into the middle of the circle. SAMMY (contd)
IF YOURE TRYING TO GET A GUY
TO SHUFFLE HIS FEET...

THEN A KISS FROM A PRETTY GIRL JUST CANT BE BEAT!

Emma smiles competitively as the men fall in behind Sammy. She snaps a finger and all the ladies line up behind her. EMMA
WELL THEN MISTER SHAKE THOSE HIPS... AND PUCKER UP THOSE LIPS...

The women move towards the men, who are all anticipating a kiss... And then shuffle right past them, causing the men to almost topple over. EMMA (contd)
AND AFTER THAT IT WONT BE LONG TIL YOURE SINGING WITH ME.

WOMEN IN THE BAR

YEAH ME!

SAMMY
WELL AFTER THAT IT WONT BE LONG TIL YOURE SINGING WITH ME.

35. MEN IN THE BAR

YEAH ME!

Everyone in the bar, led by Emma and Sammy, sings the chorus. EVERYONE IN THE BAR
I LOVE MISTLETOE! AND THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON OF CHRISTMAS, BABY! I LOVE MISTLETOE! SO COME AND PLANT A BIG WET KISS ON ME!

A snowman goes to town, shredding the songs guitar solo on an electric guitar. Frank the Bartender notices Emo subtly playing air guitar. FRANK THE BARTENDER Emo, youre twice the ax-man that guy is. Get out there and show em how its done. Emo looks at the raucous crowd, and cowers by the bar. EMO Maybe next song... EMMA
SAID PUCKER UP THOSE LIPS... AND COME AND GET YOUR KISS...

In unison, the women all give the men a peck on the cheek. Sammy and Emma swing around and sing back to back. SAMMY EMMA
AND AFTER THAT IT WONT BE LONG TIL YOURE SINGING WITH ME. YEAH, ME! AFTER THAT IT WONT BE LONG TIL YOURE SINGING WITH ME. YEAH, ME! SINGING... AND AFTER THAT IT WONT BE LONG TIL YOURE SINGING WITH ME. YEAH, ME! AFTER THAT IT WONT BE LONG TIL YOURE SINGING WITH ME. YEAH, ME! SINGING...

Everyone else swings around, singing back to back. EVERYONE IN THE BAR
I LOVE MISTLETOE! AND THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON OF CHRISTMAS, BABY!

EVERYONE IN THE BAR(cont'd)

I LOVE MISTLETOE! SO COME AND PLANT A BIG WET KISS ON ME! I LOVE MISTLETOE! AND THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON OF CHRISTMAS, BABY! I LOVE MISTLETOE! SO COME AND PLANT A BIG WET KISS ON ME!

36.

The uniform dancing breaks, and people pair up. Sammy and Emma wind up together, cautiously smiling. Arnolds noticeably irked. He focuses on the microphone in Sammys hand and follows the cord to a sound board. He looks around to be sure no ones looking, and tosses the remainder of his egg nog onto the board. BOOM! The mic shorts out, exploding in Sammys hand, sending him flying across the bar, into the juke box. Song over. People rush to Sammys aide as Arnold and his goons duck out the door, stealthily followed by Harvey Elfen. Sammy woozily comes to. EMMA Are you ok? EMO Dude, why do all your songs end in you flying across the room? EXT. STREET - LATER THAT NIGHT Sammy, a little rubber-legged, emerges from the bar, with Emo and Emma following - Emma looking in all directions. EMMA Did Arnold leave? He was supposed to let me know where the banners for midnight madness are and(discovers something else) Darn it! I still have to take the specs for the new Mess Maker Toy to Mr. Fumbledrums! EMO Hes really going through with that toy that makes messes?

37. EMMA Im gonna be running errands the rest of the day! EMO Alright, gimme one. (off her surprise) What are brothers for? EMMA Well, if you could pick up the banners- I mean, Id love to go see Mr. FumEmo swipes the toy specs and runs away. EMO Lata sucka! Sammy laughs a little, but then winces in pain. EMMA Are you gonna be ok? SAMMY (looking for Emo) Yeah. I should be. Whered heEMMA Hey Sammy... He turns and she kisses him on the cheek. EMMA (contd) Thanks for the help tonight... Ooh, your cheeks really cold! She walks away. Sammy watches her leave and when shes out of sight, does a fist pump, causing himself to slip on some ice and hit the ground again. SAMMY (on the ground) Totally. Worth it. Emo strolls back and looks down at Sammy. EMO You do nothing but fall down.

38.

INT. TOY FACTORY - ARNOLDS OFFICE - MINUTES LATER Emma knocks twice on the door and it nudges open, unlocked. EMMA Arnold? Hello??? (beat) I still need those banners... EXT. FUMBLEDRUM MANOR - LATER THAT DAY Elmore Fumbledrums sprawling mansion lies behind an ornate gate. Sammy spins circles, trying to take it all in. Emo rings a buzzer and a voice comes back over the intercom. ELMORE (O.S.) Yes? EMO Hi, Mr Fumbledrum. Its Emo. (silence...) Emo Leeds. ELMORE (O.S.) I dont know any Emilys. EMO Emo. Leeds. My parents were your best friends. You gave me a job and continue to employ me despite the fact that I do nothing all day. I see you five days a week... Several times a day. BUZZ! The gate opens. INT. ARNOLDS OFFICE Entering the office, Emma spies a huge box on Arnolds desk and another closer to her. Which box is it? She opens the closer box. EMMA What the... She pulls out a handful of stickers. They read: $9.95, $49.95, $150.00, etc....

39. EMMA (contd) Price tags? And then... voices! Coming down the hallway. Emma looks around frantically, moves towards the door, but the voices are getting closer! Backing up... she falls into the box of price tags! INT. FUMBLEDRUM MANOR - FOYER Elmore Fumbledrum stands waiting in his doorway, clad in a robe and slippers. EMO Im sorry. Did we wake you? ELMORE You have to sleep to wake up! Emo produces the specs for the Mess Maker 3000. EMO Umm, Emma asked me to bring theseELMORE Ahh, Ms Leeds... My most reliable employee. Sammy snags on the praise for Emma. ELMORE (contd) Fantastic! Down to my workshop. INT. TOY FACTORY - ARNOLDS OFFICE Arnold, with Foil and Snark in tow, enter mid-conversation. INT. CARDBOARD BOX - CONTINUOUS Emma lies silently, scared, hearing voices enter the office. INTERCUT ARNOLDS OFFICE & EMMA IN THE CARDBOARD BOX FOIL Seriously. Thats awesome, Arnold.

40. ARNOLD What did I tell you? Its Mr. Fumbledrum... Everyone around here calls me Arnold. Treats me like Im a joke. Or worse, they all think they know me because theyve seen me on tv... Bunch of lemmings! People need to start respecting me around here. And my little invention; Its going to change everything. People are going to fear me instead of ask for an autograph. And fear breeds respect... Right? FOIL Oh, yes sir, Mr Fumbledrum, sir. SNARK So, when are you planning on announcing it? ARNOLD Well worry about that later. The snowman will hold onto Santa until this all blows over. In the box, Emmas eyes almost pop out of her head. ARNOLD (contd) You know what you need to do? (off their nods) Good. Then go. And no mistakes. The henchmen exit, and Arnold straightens things on his desk, notices the big cardboard box on his desk. We can now see its labeled: BANNERS ARNOLD (contd) (annoyed) She was supposed to pick these up. He moves across the room, next to the box Emmas in. Emma holds her breath... He straightens his tie in a mirror and walks out. Emma pops out. Quietly creeps to the door... Silence. EMMA Whew...

41. She opens the door, only to come face to face with... ARNOLD You ever get that feeling... That feeling like youre not alone? Like someones eavesdropping on your private conversation? EMMA (backing away) Arnold, listen... I came to pick up the... And I opened the wrong box. ARNOLD Whats that? EMMA (steeling herself) I wont let you get away with this. He starts to walk towards her. ARNOLD Oh? And how you can stop me? Run and tell your pathetic little friend, whats-his-name? Emmas still backpedaling. EMMA His name is Sammy. ARNOLD His name is unimportant! Just. Like. Him. WHOA! Emma jumps a little as she backs into the desk. EMMA Im going to tell Elmore andARNOLD Oh... I dont think hell mind. EMMA Hes not crazy like you. ARNOLD No. Hes just plain crazy. And its high time someone locked him up. You know... For his own good.

42. EMMA Why are you doing this? Youre ruining Christmas! ARNOLD You dont see it do you? EMMA See what? ARNOLD The potential! (beat) Im not ruining anything. Im maximizing profitability. Christmas is a gold mine, Emma. And for as long as I can remember, my father and that fat magician have been giving it away. Year after year. What they fail to see is that amid all the joy and celebration of the season... is an expectation. He moves towards Emma, and she moves behind his desk. ARNOLD (contd) An expectation of generosity. People all over the world, parents especially, have to live up to it in order to prove their love to their children. EMMA Youre sick... ARNOLD (grinning) Im not sick. Just a realist. (beat) You better wake up and see Christmas for what it really is. Its a jungle out there, sweetheart. Welcome to it. He lunges and she screams and runs out of the office. Arnold chuckles and flips a switch by his desk bringing up a panel of security monitors. He finds Emma running down a hallway, and he triggers an alarm. As he does, the opening riffs of Guns N Roses Welcome To The Jungle begin to play.

43.

INT. TOY FACTORY - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Lights flash and the wailing of the alarm mimics Axl Roses high-pitched scream that opens the song. Emma rushes down the hallway, opens a stairwell door and disappears through it. INT. TOY FACTORY FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Emma bursts onto the factory floor, tripping, looking over her shoulder. She stumbles into the middle of the floor. The toy factory, once so colorful and fun, is now a menacing half and half of shadows and alarm lights. The wall across from Emma lights up, turning into a huge flat screen with Arnolds sneering face staring back at her. Emma ducks into a corner as Arnold begins to sing. ARNOLD
WELCOME TO THE NORTH POLE! WE GOT TOYS AND GAMES. WE GOT WHAT YOUR CHILDREN WANT, SO WERE GONNA MAKE YOU PAY. WE HAVE THE GADGETS THAT THEY SEE, WHEN THEY WATCH TV. BUT IF YOUVE GOT NO MONEY HONEY,
THEYLL BE LEFT IN NEED.

IN THE NORTH POLE. WELCOME TO MY NORTH POLE. WHERE THE CHILDREN ALL PLEAD...

The screen changes, from a shot of Arnolds face, to children in a toy store, crying to their parents, begging for toys. BEGGING CHILDREN
MOMMY, DADDY! MOMMY, DADDY! MOMMY, DADDY! PLEASE?! PLEASE?

Arnolds face again takes over the entire screen. ARNOLD

HA! I LOVE TO HEAR EM SCREAM!

A security camera swivels and trains on Emma and all of a sudden, shes looking at herself in a split screen with a smirking Arnold - GOTCHA!

44. ARNOLD (contd)

WELCOME TO THE NORTH POLE! WHERE CHILDRENS DREAMS COME TRUE. AND IF THEY WANT IT, YOU KNOW YOULL PAY, WHATEVER IM CHARGING YOU. AND YOURE A VERY BRIGHT YOUNG GIRL, SO TELL ME, DONT YOU SEE? THAT IF THEYLL PAY FOR HAPPINESS, THEN WHY MAKE IT FREE?

Emma retreats further into the shadows. ARNOLD (contd)

IN THE NORTH POLE! WELCOME TO MY NORTH POLE! HOME OF MY, MY, MY...

When he seems stuck on what to say, Emma pops out of hidingEMMA

EVIL DEEDS!

A camera spins and finds her and Arnold grins. ARNOLD

HA! I JUST WANT SOME GREEN.

Giving herself away, Emma runs for her life. Arnold flips switches, controlling the conveyor belts, throwing toys at her, trying to slow her down. ARNOLD (contd)
WELCOME TO THE NORTH POLE! WHERE THE TRUTH IS HARD TO TAKE. PARENTS DO MOST ANYTHING, FOR THEIR CHILDRENS SAKE. WHEN KIDS BEG AND THEY PLEAD. PARENTS GIVE IN EVENTUALLY. THEN THEY CAN HAVE ANYTHING THEY WANT, BUT THEYLL GET NO CHARITY!

(beat)
IN THE NORTH POLE. WELCOME TO MY NORTH POLE! WHERE THE CHILDREN ALL PLEAD:

The pleading children flash on the screen again.

45. BEGGING CHILDREN

MOMMY, DADDY! MOMMY, DADDY! MOMMY, DADDY! PLEASE?! PLEASE?

ARNOLD
HA! I LOVE TO HEAR EM SCREAM!

The song quiets. Emma finds safety amid some flat screen TVs. ARNOLD (contd)
WHEN CHILDREN CRY, ALL IS SEE... ALL I SEE IS DOLLAR SIGNS.

THOSE SWEET SIGNS. DOLLAR SIGNS!

Arnolds smiling face pops up on a TV over Emmas shoulder. ARNOLD (contd)

THEYRE ALL MIIIIIIIIINE!!!

Emma runs for an assembly line, dives and rides it like a roller coaster, her screams mirroring Axl Roses wail. EMMA
YAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!!!!! AHHHH! AHHH! AHHH! UH-AHHHH !!! EEEE-AHHH !!! EEEEAHHH !!! EEEE-AHHH !!! EEEE-AHHH !!! EEEEAHHH !!! EEEE-YAH-YAH-YAH-EEE-AH!

EXT. TOY FACTORY - LOADING DOCK - CONTINUOUS The assembly line leads to a chute out onto a loading dock. Emma slides to the bottom and hits the ground running. INT. TOY FACTORY - ARNOLDS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Arnold steps to a large picture window, overlooking Christmastown. He sees Emma running away. He throws the window open as she stops and looks back at him. ARNOLD
YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOURE IN THE NORTH POLE, BABY! OPEN YOUR EYES!!!!!!!

(beat)
IN THE NORTH POLE! WELCOME TO MY NORTH POLE! WHERE THE CHILDREN ALL SCREAM:

46. Arnold mocks the pleading children. ARNOLD (contd)

MOMMY, DADDY! MOMMY, DADDY! MOMMY, DADDY! PLEASE?! PLEASE?!

(beat)
IN THE NORTH POLE! WELCOME TO MY NORTH POLE. HOME OF MY, MY, MY EVIL DEEDS.

(beat)
IN THE NORTH POLE. WELCOME TO MY NORTH POLE. WHERE THE CHILDREN ALL PLEAD: MOMMY, DADDY! MOMMY, DADDY! MOMMY, DADDY! PLEASE?! PLEASE?!

(beat)
IN THE NORTH POLE. WELCOME TO THE NORTH POLE. WHERE THE SIGNS WILL ALL READ: WELCOME TO MY TOWN!

He slams his window shut. ARNOLD (contd)

HUH!!!

EXT. TOY FACTORY - LOADING DOCK - CONTINUOUS Emma looks up, tears in her eyes. Arnold turns his back to the street and she runs away. Neither of them notice Harvey Elfen lurking in the shadows. He crosses the street, onto the loading dock, and disappears up the chute Emma came out of, sneaking into the factory. INT. FUMBLEDRUMS MANOR - WORKSHOP Toys in varying conditions strewn about everywhere... Elmore leads Emo and Sammy in. He eagerly unfolds the specs. Emo and Sammy look around in amazement. EMO So, Mr Fumbledrum, this new toy... ELMORE The Mess-Maker 3000. Its going to revolutionize play time.

ELMORE(cont'd) It creates a mess for kids to pick up. Clean up time becomes play time! Its genius AND easy to assemble. (reviews the blueprint) Look here... It would take nothing but a couple spare parts, some springs and a little magic!
EMO Im sorry, magic? Is that something you buy at Gnome Depot along with the springs? ELMORE Dont be such a pessimist. We all have a little magic in us. You just have to know how to let it out. He winks at Emo and that line registers with Sammy. SAMMY But Mr. Fumbledrum, sir, Im not sure I follow... How do you know that kids will want to play with a mess? I mean, what if it bombs? ELMORE Oh, Ive had plenty of inventions bomb. Here... He shows Sammy what looks like a car alarm remote. ELMORE (contd) I called this one the Sonic Shovel. I always thought that kids were wasting valuable play time when being tasked with shoveling.

47.

He strolls to a freezer, grabs a block of ice, and takes it over to a Controlled-Environment glass case and drops it in. ELMORE (contd) This sends out a ultrasonic pulse that speeds up frozen water molecules and causes them to bounce off each other so quickly that the ice and snow actually melts itself! (beat) Only problem wasZAP! He clicks the Sonic Shovel and the ice melts into a steaming puddle in a nanosecond.

48. ELMORE (contd) The signal was just too powerful... I may or may not have melted some polar ice caps in the trial phase. He takes the Sonic Shovel and hands it to Sammy. SAMMY Oh sir, I couldnt... ELMORE Just a little reminder. Always better to take a chance and fail than fail to take a chance... Plus, it makes a cool key chain! He tucks it in Sammys jacket pocket. ELMORE (contd) If you want to be an inventor, youll need to bomb once in a while. (beat) Emo... Could you put this on? Elmore holds out one of three headsets hes picked up off his workbench, hands it to Emo. Emo obliges and... CLICK! The headset springs to life, sprouting a huge visor, blinding him completely. EMO (stumbling blindly) Umm... Mr Fumbledrum??? Hello? Elmore leans into Sammy, whispering big news... ELMORE (giddy with excitement) I just wanted to take a moment to speak to you privately about who will be taking over the factory... This is it! Sammy tries to contain himself. SAMMY Really, sir? Well, Id beELMORE Its Emo! Gut-shot.

49. ELMORE (contd) I just couldnt keep it a secret until tonight. I had to tell someone and I knew youd be happy for him... But shhh. Sammys floored. He barely registers that Elmore is putting one of the headsets first on himself, and then on Sammy. Shock and rage boil over in Sammys eyes until... SAMMY WHAT THE FCLICK! Sammys headset springs to life, extending from each ear, meeting in the middle, gagging him. CLICK! Elmores headset too - growing a set of cauliflower ears, making him totally deaf. ELMORE (shouting) I CALL THESE BLIND, DEAF & DUMB! YOURE SUPPOSED TO ACHIEVE HEIGHTENED AWARENESS WHILE DEPRIVED OF ONE OF YOUR BASIC SENSES! (beat) OF COURSE, THEYRE A LITTLE TEMPERAMENTAL! HAVENT WORKED OUT ALL THE KINKS! (beat) BUT THATS THE BEST PART OF INVENTING - NOT KNOWING WHICH INVENTIONS WILL WORK OUT! (beat) I GET THESE IDEAS IN MY HEAD THAT JUST WONT GO AWAY! IF I DONT GET THEM OUT THEY JUST SIT THERE, PULSATING, SWELLING LARGER AND LARGER, BEATING ON MY BRAIN UNTIL I FEEL LIKE IT COULD JUST POP. LIKE A... LIKE A BLISTER IN THE SUN! EMO Dude, thats nasty. Elmore starts to work. Dashing from one project to the next. Emo feels along a shelf and finds a guitar. He picks the opening chords of The Violent Femmes Blister In The Sun. At the end of the opening riff, a knocking on the door mirrors the drums in the opening of the song.

50. KNOCK, KNOCK! KNOCK, KNOCK! Elmore is oblivious, caught up in his work, and since Emo cant see, Sammy sees it falls to him to get the door... Why not? Everything else sucks, might as well play butler, too. Oblivious, Elmore sings as he regards his inventions. ELMORE
WHEN IM INVENTING,
I FIND ITS TEMPTING,

TO GIVE IN AND CONFORM. BUT ITS BOTH TRYING AND SATISFYING, TO THINK OUTSIDE OF THE NORM.

Emo accompanies him on the guitar as Sammy reaches the door, his cell phone buzzing in his pocket. INT. FUMBLEDRUM MANOR - FOYER As Sammy unlocks the door, he flips open his cell phone. INSERT TEXT: FROM - EMMA BACK TO SCENE BOOM! Foil kicks the door in, sending Sammy to the ground. INTERCUT ELMORE & EMO IN THE WORKSHOP WITH SAMMY, SNARK & FOIL IN THE FOYER Sammy tries to yell, but the gag makes it impossible. Snark enters, knocking Sammy down. Sammy rolls over to see Elmore gliding around his workshop on a huge roller skate. ELMORE
SO I GO ON...

GET OUT OF THERE NOW! ITS A TRAP!

WITH TOYS THAT ARENT FOR EVERYONE! IVE MISSED ON A BUNCH. LIKE THIS ROLLER SKATE FOR YOUR BUM.

Elmore hops off of it, letting it roll to... Sammy, who grabs the huge skate and rolls it at Foil and Snark, who inadvertently step on it and take a pratfall. ELMORE (contd)
IF YOU IMPROVISE, THEN YOU CAN DEVISE,

ELMORE(cont'd)
SOMETHING OUT OF THE BLUE.
AND FIND ITS WILD

51.

WHEN YOUR BRAINCHILD, MAKES A WISH COME TRUE.

Sammy, still gagged, tries in vain to yell a warning. ELMORE (contd)

SO I MOVE ON! WITH TOYS THAT ARENT FOR EVERYONE. NOT WINNERS ALL... WHO NEEDS A FLAME-THROWING DOLL?

Sammy grabs a Babys First Indigestion doll off the workbench, scans the instructions, puts the doll on his shoulder, and burps it. Foil and Snark reach the workshop to find a FIREBALL being spit at them by the doll. Ducking out of the way, Foil doesnt realize his pants have caught fire. Snark chases him out the door, into the snow. Elmore and Emo are still deaf, blind and clueless to the situation, as Sammy runs to stamp out some flaming curtains. ELMORE (contd)
MOMS WERE HATEFUL, I CHOSE TO BANKROLL, A TAR AND FEATHERING KIT. BUT IF A CHILD LEARNS FROM THIRD DEGREE BURNS, THEN WHO CAN ARGUE WITH IT?

Re-entering, Foil and Snark dont see that Sammy has set up a cauldron of boiling tar above the door. As they enter, the tar spills down on them, followed by a dusting of feathers. Sammy pumps his fist a-la Kevin McCallister as he retreats back to Elmores workshop. ELMORE (contd)
PORCUPINE HUG ME; BEAR TRAP BUGGY; NEITHER WAS MUCH FUN. BUT TRIAL AND ERROR MAKES TOYS BETTER, IN THE LONG RUN.

As he looks over the toys, he tosses them to the floor.

52. Sammy carefully lifts the Porcupine Hug-Me and fires it towards the goons. Its spiky side hits Snark in the thigh. SNARK Its in the bone! As Foil bends over to help pull it out, Sammy kicks the Bear Trap Buggy, a go-kart with a bear trap mounted on the front, at Foil, and it snaps shut on his butt. Elmore strolls to a shelf and pulls out a glass jar. ELMORE
I ONCE CONCEIVED A SWARM OF BEES. TO HELP KIDS MAKE THE BED. ALTHOUGH THE REACTION WAS CLASS ACTION; I GOT IT OUT OF MY HEAD.

He hands the glass jar to Sammy, who looks through it to see Snark and Foil stumbling into the workshop. He opens the jar and the bees buzz out. Sammy grabs Elmore and they duck below the work table. As they crouch, Elmore whispers the next verse to Sammy. ELMORE (contd)
IF YOU CAN KEEP IT, ILL SHARE THE SECRET, OF WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT.

NOTHINGS WORTHLESS, WE ALL HAVE A PURPOSE. YOU JUST MUST FIGURE IT OUT.

Stumbling in, covered in bee stings, Foil and Snark kick the door in, knocking Emo, who was behind it, out cold. Sammy and Elmore huddle under the table, not yet seen. ELMORE (contd)
SO I MOVE ON! WITH TOYS THAT ARENT FOR EVERYONE! AND WHATS THE NEXT ONE? HOW BOUT THIS BLOW DART GUN!

He pulls a blow-dart gun from his pocket, which Sammy swipes, aims, and fires!

53. The dart bounces off the table and ricochets right back into Sammys neck, knocking him out cold. Snark and Foil reach down under the table and pull Elmore up, Foil tossing him over his shoulder. ELMORE (contd)
SO I MOVE ON! WITH TOYS THAT ARENT FOR EVERYONE! AND WHATS THE NEXT ONE? WHO KNOWS THATS HALF OF THE FUN!

Elmore realizes hes being carried, reaches up and shuts his headset off. ELMORE (contd) Hey guys! Where are we going? EXT. ALLEY - DUSK Sammy and Emo round a corner into the alley, out of breath. EMO Dude, where are we going? Sammy ignores him. EMO (contd) Why arent we going to the police? EMMA (O.S.) Because well be arrested. Emma steps out of the shadows. EMO What? What are you talking about? Emma pulls out her iPhone, displaying a PNN App. Wolf Blitzen stares somberly back at them. WOLF BLITZEN And while it seems that the Abominable Snowman was the one who actually kidnapped Santa Claus, two criminal masterminds, reported to authorities just minutes ago by an anonymous caller, have been identified.

54. WOLF BLITZEN (contd) Emma Leeds, former secretary toEMMA WOLF BLITZEN Former secretary? -Elmore Fumbledrum at the Fumbledrum Toy Factory... A picture of Emma pops up on screen: Shes in her teens acne, headgear, awkward, but still trying to look sexy. EMO Nice pic. EMMA Im not in the public eye much. It mustve been all they could find. I had an ill-fated Glamour Shots experience in high school. EMO Havent we all... WOLF BLITZEN (ON DISPLAY) And Sammy JinglesA picture of Sammy on the toilet, pants around his ankles, an angry hand thrust toward the camera, pops up on screen. EMO Oh, man I tweeted that last week! (off Sammys stern look) Sorry, dude. WOLF BLITZEN (ON DISPLAY) - Former Tour Guide at the Fumbledrum Toy Factory. (beat) Ms Leeds and Mr Fumbmledrum were dismissed from their jobs earlier today and have apparently decided to take out their frustrations on the innocent children of the world. Emma ends the news feed, closes her phone. SAMMY Emma, whats going- No. Theres no time. Explain on the way. He grabs her by the hand and they rush off, Sammys shoulder brushing Emo, maybe not accidentally.

55. EMO On the way where?! EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF CHRISTMASTOWN - MINUTES LATER Terrified, Sammy, Emo, and Emma stare beyond Christmastowns limits, past orange police barriers, into the Ice Forest. EMO Theres a reason nobodys gone to rescue Santa so far... What Emos saying makes sense... But every clueless word out of his mouth is just another reminder to Sammy that Emo was chosen, and not him. EMMA Well thats where the Abominable Snowman lives. SAMMY So thats where we have to go. He nods at the police presence around the forest perimeter. SAMMY (contd) Theyd arrest on sight. Add then thered be no time to save Santa and save Christmas. EMO Dude, I know youre all about trying to make a nameSAMMY Its not about that. EMO What Im saying is maybe this is bigger than us. Just step back and look at the bigger picture instead of focusing on how you canSAMMY How I can what? Accomplish something for myself - instead of having it handed to me!?! Sammy brushes past him, toward the ice forest, butRANDOM COP HEY! STOP!!!

56. EMMA (grabs Emo) Come on! They sprint to catch up with Sammy and make it past the barrier before the cops can catch them. The Police Chief stops any of his men from following them. NORTH POLE POLICE CHIEF Its too dangerous, men. I dont want anyone going in there. (beat) Theyre as good as dead anyway. INT. TOY FACTORY FLOOR Empty and dark. Arnold enters, crosses the floor to the door marked PRIVATE, uses his swipe card, and enters the room. Harvey Elfen rises from behind a conveyor belt. He sneaks closer to the door, keeping himself hidden. Arnold emerges and exits, never noticing Harvey. He didnt pull the door shut, and it closes slowly until... Harvey wedges his foot in, keeping it open. He pushes the door open, peers into the pitch black room. HARVEY ELFEN Whatre you hiding in here, Arnold? INT. PRIVATE ROOM - CONTINUOUS TWO RED DOTS glow faintly in the darkness. Harvey inches in further, trying to focus. Still cant see clearly. He moves into the room, forgetting about the door... SLAM! The door closes behind him, startling him. He looks back over his shoulder. Just the door... But when Harvey turns around, the two red dots have turned into TWO GLOWING BRIGHT RED EYES, speeding right at him!

57.

INT. TOY FACTORY FLOOR - CONTINUOUS HARVEY ELFEN (O.S.) AHHHHHHHHHH! Harveys screams echo through the empty factory floor. EXT. THE ICE FOREST Huddled together closely, Sammy, Emo, and Emma move cautiously along a pathway. EMMA Sammy, Im scared. SAMMY Dont be. Its only a forest. Just a bunch of trees. A CREEPY CACKLE sounds in the distance. SAMMY (contd) Stay together and well be fine. A FAINT CHANTING starts... CHANTING
Its only a forest. A bunch of trees. Its only a forest. But youll never leave...

EMO I dont think were alone... CHANTING

ITS ONLY A FOREST! A BUNCH OF TREES! ITS ONLY A FOREST! BUT YOULL NEVER LEAVE!!!

They huddle back to back, looking for faces to match the voices, not noticing that the trees are encircling them. CHANTING (contd)
ITS ONLY A FOREST! A BUNCH OF TREES! ITS ONLY A FOREST! BUT YOULL NEVER LEAVE!!!

Emo freaks out and turns to run, but comes face to face with a large SCOTCH PINE TREE.

58. SCOTCH PINE Boo. SAMMY, EMO, EMMA AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! CHANTING TREES
ITS ONLY A FOREST! A BUNCH OF TREES...

Theyre surrounded. The trees get closer and closer, chanting louder and louder until Emo cant take it any more. EMO WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US!?! Another tree, a CAROLINA SAPPHIRE, a Christmas tree known for its steely blue needles, speaks. CAROLINA SAPPHIRE (Southern Belle Accent) Well dang. Thats a good question. EMMA Excuse me? An AUSTRIAN PINE, a Christmas tree noted for its long green needles and resilience, speaks up. AUSTRIAN PINE (Austrian accent) Ya. Is a very good question. No one eva ask us vat it is dat vee vant. All the trees nod or grunt in agreement. SAMMY Im sorry... Whats going on here? AUSTRIAN PINE Of course... Vhere are my manners? I am Austrian Pine. (beat) Dhose over dayer are de Fir Brothers; Douglas and Fraser. Two Fir trees nod.. DOUGLAS FIR (snobby) Evening. FRASER FIR (snobbier) Yes, quite.

59. AUSTRIAN PINE (contd) Dat guy dayer vit da long green needles is Erik; Norvay Spruce. NORWAY SPRUCE God dag! AUSTRIAN PINE And dat lady dayer is Belle, our Carolina Saphire. CAROLINA SAPPHIRE Greetins, yall. AUSTRIAN PINE And last but not least is my cousin, Angus. He is Scotch Pine. SCOTCH PINE (thick Scottish accent) Evenin, chukters. Sammy, Emo and Emma try to nod, distracted by a pungent odor. AUSTRIAN PINE Oh, dont vorry about dat. Angus is known for his scent. SCOTCH PINE (dismissing it) ACCH! EMMA Yeah, ummm. Nice to meet you guys and all, but whats going on here? This is like, the friendliest haunted forest Ive ever been in. EMO Yeah, I thought no one ever left the Ice Forest alive. But you guys seem downright pleasant. Except for the whole chanting creepiness. CAROLINA SAPPHIRE Oh, people come in an out all the time! They just dont wanna admit that a mess o trees made em mess their pants. The Carolina Sapphire holds out a cell phone-

60. INSERT IMAGE: THE CHIEF OF POLICE, LOOKING BACK OVER HIS SHOULDER, TEARS STREAKING DOWN HIS FACE, AND A HUGE WET STAIN DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS PANTS. EMMA Thats the Chief of Police! No wonder he wont let anyone come in! All the trees laugh. EMMA (contd) So, you guys do this a lot? The whole terrifying people thing? FRASER FIR We are rather harrowing in our approach, I suppose. But rarely do we encounter those we wish to converse with. DOUGLAS FIR Yes, you say that, Fraser. But how can you assume we dont want to converse with those we seek to browbeat when we dont evenFRASER FIR Oh Douglas, dont be so droll! Sammy interjects, stemming a full-on intellectual smackdown. SAMMY Well, we definitely want to... converse. CAROLINA Really? Oh, thats tell us, are there Christmas Trees in SAPPHIRE just peaches. So a lot of (gulp) Christmastown?

EMO Oh, sure there are. Everywhere... SCOTCH PINE Acch! A buncha boggin bampots! SAMMY Of course... none of them compare to you guys. I mean, theyre all scrawny... Tiny needles. Know what Im saying? That appeases the trees for the most part.

61. DOUGLAS FIR See, I told you gents. Just a matter of time before they realize their folly. FRASER FIR Oh, is that all it is, Douglas? A matter of time? Because the sizable rings in your trunk suggest that youre not getting any younger. DOUGLAS FIR Oh stuff it, Fraser! EMMA Wait a minute. Is that why you scare people? Because no ones ever asked you to be a Christmas Tree? The trees look like they got caught passing notes in class. SCOTCH PINE (indecipherable slang) ACCH!... Manky... Houghin-hosed... Shooglie Weegee! Silence... EMO Dude... What? CAROLINA SAPPHIRE We were born to be Christmas trees! Its only proper. All the trees nod angrily in agreement, as if insulted by the reminder that they are not Christmas trees. SAMMY Well, have you ever told anyone besides us that you want to be Christmas trees? They all look down at the ground... Busted. AUSTRIAN PINE Vell... Not exactly. ButSAMMY But nothing! If you want something bad enough, you should be willing to do whatever it takes to get it.

62. AUSTRIAN PINE So, vat do you suggest? SAMMY Updating your sound. Sammy snaps his fingers and the heavy drum intro to Def Leppards Pour Some Sugar On Me begins as the forest fills with neon lights. SAMMY (contd)
CHRISTMAS TIME HAS COME, AND YOU WANNA FIND A HOME. ITS YOUR TIME TO SHINE, YET YOUVE NEVER SHONE! STANDING TALL AND FULL, FROM YOUR TOP TO YOUR TRUNK. BUT NO ONE PICKS YOU OUT, AND YOUR HOPES ARE SUNK!

The Carolina Sapphire is the first tree to catch on. CAROLINA SAPPHIRE
WE WANT THE RAZZLE AND THE DAZZLE AND THE FLASHING GAUDY LIGHTS. IF YOU LEAVE US PLUGGED IN, WE CAN SHINE ALL NIGHT!

SAMMY
SOME PLACE, ANYPLACE, THEY GOTTA NEED A TREE... TO BE SURROUNDED BY PRESENTS ON CHRISTMAS EVE! HEY!

ALL TREES
GET OUT YOUR TREE STAND. GET OUT YOUR WREATH. GET OUT YOUR ORNAMENTS. DECORATE ME!!!

Emo and Emma join in as everyone sings the chorus. SAMMY, EMO & EMMA
PUT SOME TINSEL ON ME!

ALL TREES
OH, WONT YOU DRESS ME UP?

SAMMY, EMO & EMMA

PUT SOME TINSEL ON ME!

63. ALL TREES

DONT YOU EVER STOP!

SAMMY, EMO & EMMA

PUT SOME TINSEL ON ME!

ALL TREES
I CANT GET ENOUGH!!!

The Fir brothers jump to the forefront. DOUGLAS FIR

IM A TALL, EVERGREEN...

FRASER FIR
WANNA BE A CHRISTMAS TREE, YEAH!

As the Scotch Pine plays the air guitar, his branches lift up to reveal a kilt around his trunk. Sammy moves to start the second verse, but Emma takes overEMMA
LISTEN! GREEN LIGHTS, YELLOW LIGHTS, RED LIGHTS - STOP! GRAB A LITTLE LADDER, PUT A STAR ON TOP. FIRST ARRANGE THE CANDY CANES AND RIBBONS IN A BOW. COLORED LIGHTS AND/OR WHITE? WHY NOT BOTH?!

NORWAY SPRUCE
COVER ME IN ORNAMENTS THEN ADD A COUPLE MORE. MAKE MY BRANCHES SO HEAVY THAT THEY HANG TO THE FLOOR!

EMMA
SOME PLACE, ANYPLACE, THEY GOTTA NEED A TREE...

SAMMY & EMO

TO BE SURROUNDED BY PRESENTS ON CHRISTMAS EVE!

64. ALL TREES

GET OUT YOUR TREE STAND. GET OUT YOUR WREATH. GET OUT YOUR ORNAMENTS. DECORATE ME!!!

SAMMY, EMO & EMMA

PUT SOME TINSEL ON ME!

ALL TREES
OH, WONT YOU DRESS ME UP?

SAMMY, EMO & EMMA

PUT SOME TINSEL ON ME!

ALL TREES
DONT YOU EVER STOP!

SAMMY, EMO & EMMA

PUT SOME TINSEL ON ME!

ALL TREES
I CANT GET ENOUGH!!!

The Norway Spruce and Austrian Pines take over. NORWAY SPRUCE
IM A TALL, EVERGREEN...

AUSTRIAN PINE
VANT TO BE A CHRISTMAS TREE, YA!

Everyone smiles as the music ends. EMMA That was amazing! She hugs Sammy and kisses him on the cheek. DOUGLAS FIR Oh my, that was just exhilarating! FRASER FIR Now, how can we be of service? SAMMY What can you tell me about the Abominable Snowman?

65. FRASER FIR Well, first and foremost, you wont find him around here anytime soon. SAMMY What? CAROLINA SAPPHIRE Hes gettin hitched! Got hisself a purdy lil sasquatch by name a Gertrude over in the Yukon Territory. Course, she being Canadian, never leaves home all winter... Hockey season, an all. EMMA But I heard Arnold say that the snowman would hold onto Santa until this all blows over and if its not the Abominable... EXT. FROSTYS WINTER WONDERLAND Sammy, Emo, and Emma stand outside the gates of the theme park, staring at the huge, TOP-HAT SHAPED BUILDING. EMO That is one big hat. INT. ARNOLDS OFFICE Arnold stands in his picture window, looking down at the loading dock, decorated for a celebration. Snark and Foil flank him, as Elmore fidgets with a few scraps of metal in the corner, his wrists bound by snapcuffs. SNARK With no Santa to take off, why are we still throwing Midnight Madness? Arnold doesnt bother turning from the window. ARNOLD Because the entire town shows up. And since I want everyone to understand whos in chargeElmore spies a large box of spare parts across the room... Then pipes up.

66. ELMORE I really wish youd reconsider son... I thought I taught youArnolds eyes almost pop out of his head... ARNOLD TAUGHT ME! You never taught me anything. You were too busy inventing toys for other children... or being a philanderer! ELMORE Philanthropist. ARNOLD Thats what I meant! You know what I meant. Im not stupid, you know? (beat) No, you dont know. Because you never bothered to ask. Just like you never asked if itd upset me when you gave the company to Emo. (off Elmores surprise) Yeah, I know. Ive known for a while. EMO!?! Are you kidding me? If you were gonna give the factory to someone who wears eyeliner, I woulda thought itd be Emma. Arnold calms himself as Elmore finds a clarity in his voice we havent heard yet. ELMORE Whats done is done, son. And thank you for allowing me to realize I made the right choice. (to Foil) Would you hand me that spring? Foil hands him a small spring and Elmore continues to tinker. ARNOLD You didnt make a choice, dad. You sealed his fate. Because when him and his friends are caught, Im gonna kill them. Arnold storms out of the room. Snark and Foil share a look - Did we really sign up for this? - Elmore sees it.

67. He winds the spring around his tiny invention and tosses it out onto the floor. When it hits the floor, it bounces straight up and... POOF! Pops like a tiny firework. SNARK Howd you do that? ELMORE Just an old inventors trick. FOIL Awesome... ELMORE If youd give me that box, I could make some more. Foil eagerly grabs the box, but Snark is apprehensive. ELMORE (contd) (re: the snapcuffs) Oh come, come. These dont even have a lock to pick! Snark gives in and Elmore is handed the box. He starts to tinker, and then tries to draw their attention away. ELMORE (contd) Can I ask you two a question? Whats the appeal of the whole evil henchman role in life? FOIL (proudly) My dad was one. Im a legacy! Snark smacks Foil, embarrassed by the question. SNARK Like youd understand. ELMORE What is it? The action? Adrenaline? The whole wanted dead or alive mind-set that comes with living on the wrong side of the law? Snark scoffs, nods at Foil, and they launch into an acapella version of Bon Jovis Wanted Dead or Alive.

68. SNARK
WERE ALL THE SAME! ITS ONLY OUR NAMES THAT CHANGE! IVE BEEN BUTTON PUSHING GOON, AND THUG 1 ON THE TRAIN.

FOIL
AND ANOTHER THING! IF I COULD INTERJECT... WERE HIRED FOR OUR BRAUN. BUT WHAT ABOUT OUR INTELLECT?

FOIL (contd)
CUZ WERE HENCHMEN! IM SURE TO YOU WE ALL LOOK THE SAME! WE FIND EMPLOYMENT WITH OUR MUSCLES. AND LUCKILY NOT FOR OUR AIM! YEAH WERE HENCHMEN! THROUGH A LOSERS ROLE WE PLOD. WE TAKE TWICE THE BUTT KICKINGS, AND GET HALF THE DIALO-

SNARK
CUZ WERE HENCHMEN! IM SURE TO YOU WE ALL LOOK THE SAME! WE FIND EMPLOYMENT WITH OUR MUSCLES. AND LUCKILY NOT FOR OUR AIM! YEAH WERE HENCHMEN! THROUGH A LOSERS ROLE WE PLOD. WE TAKE TWICE THE BUTT KICKINGS, AND GET HALF THE DIALO-

Arnold stands in the doorway, unnoticed. ARNOLD What the heck is this? SNARK Oh, come on! We cant even get a whole song to ourselves?! Arnold ignores Snark, motions toward Elmore. ARNOLD Bring him. INT. TOY FACTORY FLOOR - OUTSIDE THE PRIVATE ROOM Arnold swipes his key card and the door unlocks. Elmore stands, still bound in cuffs, watching the door open. As the door slowly opens, light from the factory floor creeps into the room, illuminating Harvey Elfen, tied up on the floor. He looks terrified. ELMORE I dont-

69. But then, in the darkness of the room, the set of red eyes begin to glow. And then another set, and another... Hundreds of glowing red eyes appear, and Elmore is finally able to focus and peer into the room. ELMORE (contd) Oh my... EXT. FROSTYS WINTER WONDERLAND Sammy, Emo and Emma duck under the gates and enter the park. EMMA Ok, so... Where do we start? EMO Oh, man! LOOK AT THAT! They approach a carnival booth. A shooting range game. EMO (contd) Do you know what this is? EMMA Yeah, its a rip-off. No one ever wins those games. Emo picks up a an air rifle. EMO This is a Red Ryder Carbine Action, 200 Shot, Range Model Air Rifle! EMMA Youll shoot your eye out. She takes it from him and drops it like hot garbage. Emo bends to grab it and finds a wire buried in the snow. He follows it to a surveillance camera mounted on a pole, then follows the other end to an building marked MAINTENANCE EMO Guys, look at this. All three of them follow the wire under a sign posted: DANGER! HIGH VOLTAGE: EMPLOYEES ONLY EMMA Someone doesnt want people going in there...

70. EMO Allow me... He lowers his shoulder and charges at the door... Only to bounce off it and hit the ground, dazed. SAMMY EMMA Ooohhh... Yikes. Emo stumbles to his feet, shakes out the cobwebs. EMO (contd) Forget it, guys. Its a fortress. Emma approaches the door. EMO (contd) Did you hear what I said? Forrrrtressss. Theres no wayEmma calmly turns the knob and pulls the door outward. INT. MAINTENANCE BUILDING Nothing but a long hallway with an elevator at the end. INT. ELEVATOR Sammy, Emo and Emma stare ahead silently, nervously, as the elevator descends. A terrible, elevator-music version of Band Aids Do They Know Its Christmastime plays. INT. MAINTENANCE BUILDING - UNDERGROUND The elevator doors open to another long hallway with TWO HUGE DOORS at the end. INT. ICE ROOM The doors are slowly pushed open as Sammy, Emo and Emma enter an ENORMOUS HALL carved completely out of ice. The ceilings are a hundred feet high and it must be a thousand feet deep. EMO Good use of space...

71. They slowly make their way in, passing creepily arranged snowmen posed in all sorts of different mundane activities shoveling; making snow-angels; snowmen building snowmen. And at the end of the room, past all of the other posed snowmen, is one snowman, lounging across an ice throne. He is the most basic-looking of all; A corn-cob pipe, button nose and two eyes made out of coal. All underneath a black silk top hat. He is FROSTY THE SNOWMAN. FROSTY I see youve met my friends. Sammy, Emma and Emo jump, unprepared for the snowman to talk. FROSTY (contd) Theyre shy. Thats all... (yells at the snowmen) STOP BEING SO IMPOLITE! Hes gone Colonel Kurtz. Living in his own world. Talking to inanimate snowmen. SAMMY Um, Mr. Frosty, sir... Were here because well... We believe you may have had something to do with Santa Claus going missing. FROSTY I did. SAMMY Wow, didnt think youd be so... frank- Ok, so wed like him back. FROSTY No. EMO ...Please? Frosty looks up at nothing, at a dream. FROSTY For sixty plus years now, I have lived in Santas considerable shadow. So when I was approached about eliminating that pudgy snake oil salesman, trimming the fat, so to speak-

72. EMO (nudges Emma) Look whos talkin? FROSTY (eyes darting to Emo) Its water weight! (back into his reverie) I decided to see what it would be like being the main attraction in Christmastown. And after Christmas is ruined this year, everyone will be looking for a new leader. And guess who itll be? EMMA You... and Arnold Fumbledrum. FROSTY Granted, its not an ideal partnership, but hell have enough money to silence the police, bail me out from under this place and get me back in the public eye. Just you wait and see - Next years gonna be the year of the snowman. Its gonna be a real... thriller. DUH-DUH! DA! DA! DA! The opening chords of Michael Jacksons Thriller fill the room. Frosty gets up out of his throne, moves to one of the snowmen, takes off his hat, and touches it to the top of its head. The snowman springs to life, marching next to Frosty. SAMMY I thought you had to wear the hat to come to life! FROSTY Come on now, son. Thats fairy tale talk. This is the real world! Said the maniacal snowman, right before launching into song. FROSTY (contd)
ITS CLOSE TO MIDNIGHT. BUT SANTA WONT BE TRAVELLIN ROUND THE WORLD. YOUD THINK THAT I MIGHT, BE SAD TO BREAK THE HEARTS OF BOYS AND GIRLS.

FROSTY(cont'd)
BUT ITS A SCREAM! ILL FINALLY GAIN SOME FAME AND RECOGNITION. ITS ALWAYS SEEMED, THAT SANTA GETS ALL THE CHRISTMAS PUB... BUT WHERES FROSTYS LOVE???

73.

He taps his hat to the heads of two more snowmen, who fall in behind him, backup dancers. FROSTY (contd)
BECAUSE THIS CHRISTMAS! IS FROSTYS NIGHT! THE WORLD WILL TURN TO ME NOW THAT THE FAT MANS OUT OF SIGHT! YA KNOW THIS CHRISTMAS! IS FROSTYS NIGHT! AS THE MAN BEHIND THE PLAN,
IM JUST SO-

SAMMY
RIGID.

EMO
FRIGID.

EMMA
COLD AS ICE!!!

BOOM! The two large doors at the back end of the room slam. FROSTY
YOU HEAR THE DOORS SLAM... IM SORRY YOUVE GOT NOWHERE LEFT TO
HIDE!

WERENT PART OF MY PLAN, BUT I GUESS ILL JUST MAKE CHANGES ON

THE FLY!

Frosty pulls out a cell phone, dials 9-1-1. FROSTY (contd)

HELLO, POLICE! THESE PEOPLE JUST ATTEMPTED TO ABDUCT ME!

He slams the phone shut.

74. FROSTY (contd)

I COULD WITH EASE, BECOME THE HEROIC VICTIM OF THIS
CRIME...

OH THIS IS SUBLIME!

(beat)
BECAUSE THIS CHRISTMAS! IS FROSTYS NIGHT! THE WORLD WILL TURN TO ME NOW THAT THE FAT MANS OUT OF SIGHT! YA KNOW THIS CHRISTMAS! IS FROSTYS NIGHT! AS THE MAN BEHIND THE PLAN
IM JUST SO-

SAMMY
RIGID.

EMO
FRIGID.

EMMA
COLD AS ICE!!!

Frosty stares into an ice wall, watching a fantasy play out like a movie: Reporters clamor for a sound-byte while photographers snap pictures of Frosty on the red carpet. FROSTY
NEWS OUTLETS CALLING, PLEASE GRANT US AN INTERVIEW???

The snowmen start moving towards Sammy, Emo and Emma. FROSTY (contd)
THERES NO ESCAPING THIS DECIDELY UNWONDERFUL LIFE! THIS IS THE END OF THE LINE!

Frosty pulls a lever and Santa Claus, hands bound, mouth gagged, lowers from a hook dug into the ceiling. FROSTY (contd)
BECAUSE THIS CHRISTMAS! IS FROSTYS NIGHT! THE WORLD WILL TURN TO ME NOW THAT THE FAT MANS OUT OF SIGHT! YA KNOW THIS CHRISTMAS! IS FROSTYS NIGHT!

FROSTY(cont'd)
AS THE MAN BEHIND THE PLAN
IM JUST SO-

75.

SAMMY
RIGID.

EMO
FRIGID.

EMMA Whoa. Frosty fires his hat, skipping it like a stone off the icy floor. Each time it strikes the ground, a snowman rises up like a zombie out of the ice. Frosty smiles as he watches his snowmen surround the elves. He launches into the Vincent Price portion of the song. FROSTY
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN. WAS A JOLLY HAPPY SOUL. BUT EVEN THE SWEETEST SOULS SOUR, WHEN VIEWING THE WORLD THROUGH EYES OF COAL. WHEN SANTA CLAUS IS NEVER FOUND. AND A SAVIOR SOUGHT IN CHRISTMASTOWN. ONE AND ALL WILL CLAMOR FOR ME. AND ILL REAP THE REWARDS OF ETERNAL GLORY.

Snowmen start grabbing at Sammy, Emo and Emma, pulling them down toward the icy floor. Emmas feet seep into the ice. EMMA SAMMY! Sammy fights off a snowman, and rushes to Emmas side. Her legs are already half-disappeared into the icy floor. EMMA (contd) I cant feel my legs! Emo is pulled under by two snowmen. EMO Sammy, help!

76. Sammy is lost - trying to help his two friends, fighting off attacking snowmen, having no idea what to do. FROSTY
THE WINDS OF CHANGE ARE IN THE AIR. THOUGH YOU TRY TO STOP IT, YOU MUSNT DARE. AS SNOWMEN BORN OF THIS ICY GROUND, ARE RISING UP, TO PULL YOU DOWN.

Three snowmen pin Sammy down. He struggles, watching Emmas shoulders disappear into the ice, her lips completely blue. He looks to Emo, and watches as his friends glasses frost over, his face disappearing into the ice. FROSTY (contd)
AND THOUGH YOU FIGHT TO STAY ALIVE. THE BREATH YOU WASTE IS COSTLY.

Then- An idea! Sammy wriggles free, takes a deep, courageous breath and plunges an arm down into the ice! In doing so, he loses his leverage, is overpowered, and dragged under. FROSTY (contd)
SANTAS CLOCK HAS FINALLY CHIMED. AND SO BEGINS THE TIME OF FROSTY!

Silence. Frosty looks around. Sammy, Emo and Emma have all been dragged down with the snowmen, under the ice. FROSTY (contd) (an unhinged laugh)
A-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! A-HA-HA-HA-HAHA-HA! A-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! A-HA-HAHA-HA-HA-HA! AH...

SMACK! Sammys hand breaks up through the ice, holding the Sonic Shovel... CLICK! FROSTY (contd) Uh-oh. BOOM! All of the ice, which is everything in the room, snowmen included, melt, flashing into a flood. Santa, dangling from the ceiling, drops... SPLASH! His eyes bug out as he realizes hes riding this wave topside. SERIES OF SHOTS:

77. - A TIDAL WAVE RUSHING THE LENGTH OF THE ROOM, BURSTING THROUGH THE GIANT DOORS. - THE WAVE POURING DOWN THE UNDERGROUND HALLWAY - UP THE ELEVATOR SHAFT - AND OUT THE DOORS OF THE MAINTENANCE BUILDING. EXT. FROSTYS WINTER WONDERLAND The water hisses and steams against the snow. Sammy, Emma, and Emo wash out, but none move. Emo finally stirs, soaking wet, shivering, he sits up next to Sammy. Shakes him until he comes to. They almost cant speak theyre shivering so badly. EMO (you ok?) Dude? SAMMY (Im ok) Dude. Sammy spots Emma lying motionless. SAMMY (contd) DUDE! He fights his icy joints, moving to her side, cradling her. SAMMY (contd) (shivering) Em-Emma... P-Please dont- Please just... Please. She blinks. Looks up at him. EMMA (shivering just as bad) S-S-S-Sammy? You... We... He smiles down at her. EMMA (contd) Y-y-you.... You have... D-Dimples. I n-never noticed that.

78. They laugh, still shivering. SANTA CLAUS HELLO!?! Im freezing over here! Sammy, Emma and Emo rush to Santas side. Next to him on the ground lies a pile of slush with a top hat, corncob pipe and button lying on top of it. EMO (re: Frosty) He talked a big game... But in the end, he was all washed up. Sammy and Emma groan at the pun. EMO (contd) Im just saying, the guy turned out to be one big flake. EMMA Seriously. Stop it. As non-chalantly as he can, Sammy snaps a picture next to the slushy-Frosty. Emma stares daggers - really??? SAMMY What?!? INT. FROSTYS WINTER WONDERLAND - GIFT SHOP Sammy, Emo, Emma and Santa have all changed clothes into kitschy tourist garb. Sammy, wearing a I Chilled At Frostys hoodie, looks up to a clock on the wall. Its 11:30. SAMMY Its almost midnight and Santa needs to get up in the air... Fast. Emma smiles, looking past Sammy, out into the parking lot. EMMA How fast are we talking? EXT. FROSTYS WINTER WONDERLAND - PARKING LOT Three cars are parked side by side by side.

79. A Bentley with the tags: FROSTY1 SAMMY Thats a sweet ride. A Lamborghini with the tags: FROSTY2 EMO Well thats just not sensible in this climate. A Hummer H2 with the tags: FROSTY3 EMMA Bingo! EXT. TUNDRA The Hummer races over the frozen tundra, Frostys Winter Wonderland shrinking in the background. INT. HUMMER Sammy drives with Santa in the front passenger seat and Emma and Emo in the back. Sammy adjusts the rear-view mirror a little, and finds Emma staring. He stares back, and they smile at each other. EXT. SANTAS DRIVEWAY - LATER THAT NIGHT The Hummer pulls to a stop in the driveway and Santa hops out and rushes to a keypad on the front of his garage. He punches in a code and the door lifts, revealing his reindeer, lined up and pulling his sleigh. Sammy stares at Santas sleigh, slack-jawed. SAMMY Its Dasher and Dancer, Prancer andVIXEN, heavy eye liner-ed and pouty, looks Sammy up and down. VIXEN Oooh... Whos he? Prancer rolls his eyes.

80. PRANCER Dont even think about it, Vixen. (aside to Sammy) Watch it, kid. Shes a reindeer and a cougar. Santa smiles at Sammys enthusiasm over the sleigh. SANTA CLAUS Say... What do you think of tagging along with me tonight? I could use a wing man. SAMMY Are you serious? SANTA CLAUS Sure... Every now and then I like to let an admirer tag along. Its a great experience for them. Like Make-A-Wish, only more awesome, cuz Im involved. Why dont you take a sec, meet the team. Sammy introduces himself to the reindeer. EMMA Santa... What about all your toys? Arnold has them locked up. Santa takes a deep breath, obviously dreading this moment. SANTA CLAUS Im gonna be honest with you. And I dont want you to think Im being blunt or insensitive. (beat) I dont need Christmastown. (off their confusion) This whole Santa gig; it comes with all the magic necessary to not only deliver presents, but create them out of thin air if need be. Santa produces a large, empty sack, reaches in and pulls out an acoustic guitar, hands it to Emo. EMMA I dont understand. SANTA CLAUS Look, its a nice place. Decent taxes, town sewer...

SANTA CLAUS(cont'd) Plus I get to live here among you without all the craziness that plagues me everywhere else I go in the world. And the factory obviously helps support all of you. Its a nice working relationship. (beat) But my responsibility is to the children of the world, not Christmastown.
EMMA So youre just going to let Arnold destroy our town? SANTA CLAUS Look, this isnt the first time something like this has happened. Theres a lot of real estate up here at The North Pole. Ive set up new Christmastowns in the past. Sometimes the weather destroys the town, sometimes its the people. We once even tried to go nuclear. That was a disaster. Had to flood the areas around it to keep people from going there. You know that floating castle off the arctic coast... EMMA Three Smile Island? Everyone calls it the island of misfit toys. SANTA CLAUS You ever wanna see a Cabbage Patch Kid with three arms, lemme know... (beat) Point is, if I have to choose between saving Christmas and Christmastown, its really not a choice at all. Santa moves to his sleigh, prepping it for launch.

81.

Emma walks over, hoping to rally Sammy, who gets a first bump from Rudolph after introductions. EMMA Sammy... I dont thinkSammy doesnt hear her, lost in his own thoughts.

82. SAMMY Im gonna get to save Christmas... (spinning to Emma) This is everything Ive ever wanted. The fame, the recognition. I can see it all so clearly. Right in front of me... Like an oasis! Emo begins to strum the opening chords of Oasis Wonderwall. EMMA But what about the factory? Our friends? Look, I get that Santas responsibility is to the entire world. But what about yours? SAMMY (indignant) I dont owe anybody anything. All Ive done my entire life is work and try to get noticed... (beat) Come on, Emma... Cant you guys do anything without me? Cant I have this one moment for me instead of everyone else? EMMA (you cant be serious) What??? Sammy stares out over the frozen expanse in front of him. Emos guitar leads Sammy into the opening verse. SAMMY
TONIGHT IS GONNA BE THE NIGHT, THAT THE WORLD WILL FINALLY LEARN MY NAME. THE STRIFE, AND ALL THE SACRIFICE, THAT IVE MADE, WILL FINALLY GAIN ME FAME.

In front of Sammy, a large audience materializes, a mirage of adoring fans, all locked in on him. They stand and cheer. SAMMY (contd)
JUST YESTERDAY I WAS A NOBODY! NOW ITS ALL WITHIN MY REACH... MY DREAMS COMING TRUE.

Emma moves next to Sammy, she sings quietly, saddened.

83. EMMA
TONIGHT WAS GONNA BE THE NIGHT, THAT YOUD SEE ITS REALLY ALL A GAME. BY NOW, YOU SHOULDVE SOMEHOW, REALIZED THE DOWNSIDE TO FAME. YOUVE ALWAYS BEEN SIGNIFICANT, IN THE EYES OF THOSE YOU LOVE,

(beat)
AND WHO LOVE YOU...

Sammy looks at her as if she doesnt understand. SAMMY

SOME THINGS WILL HAVE TO BECOME SECONDARY. TO FINALLY LIVE A LIFE LESS ORDINARY. WHY CANT YOU SEE THAT AS A NOBODY, I WAS A FACE AMONG THE CROWD. BUT THEY SEE ME NOW!

The crowd in the mirage roars in approval. SAMMY (contd)

CUZ ON THIS NIGHT! I FINALLY HAVE MY CHANCE TO SHINE BRIGHT!
IVE COME SO FAR...

TO BE A SUPERSTAR!

He raises his arms to the fictitious crowd and they go wild. EMMA
WELL, IM THRILLED, SUCH A VOID COULD BE FILLED.

BUT DO THE MEANS JUSTIFY THE ENDS? YOU COULD BECOME MR. HOLLYWOOD, WITH A BUNCH OF FAIR-WEATHER FRIENDS. BUT FOR YOU TO BELIEVE THAT JUST ANYBODY, COULD FEEL THE WAY I DOIT BREAKS MY HEART.

Her voice tails off a little. But then she stiffens... EMMA (contd)
I HOPE YOUVE TAKEN STOCK OF WHAT YOURE LEAVING. WHEN ALL THE LOVE YOURE SURE TO FIND IS FLEETING.

EMMA(cont'd)
THE BRIDGES YOU BURN MAY LIGHT YOUR WAY, BUT THEN WHAT WILL STILL REMAIN, TO GUIDE YOU HOME?

84.

Sammys high takes a hit; hes clearly conflicted. EMMA (contd)

CUZ ON THIS NIGHT! THE PRICE YOULL HAVE TO PAY IS YOUR CURRENT LIFE! DONT YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE? YOURE OUR SUPERSTAR!

Staring at each other, Sammy and Emma sing together. SAMMY EMMA
ON THIS NIGHT! ITS TIME TO FIGURE OUT, WHAT FEELS RIGHT... WOULD YOU GO SO FAR... TO BE A SUPERSTAR? ON THIS NIGHT! ITS TIME TO FIGURE OUT, WHAT FEELS RIGHT... WOULD YOU GO SO FAR... TO BE A SUPERSTAR?

They start to move towards each other, across the stage in the mirage as the crowd looks on. EMMA (contd)
ON THIS NIGHT...

SAMMY
I FINALLY HAVE MY CHANCE TO SHINE BRIGHT...

EMMA
THE PRICE YOULL HAVE TO PAY IS YOUR CURRENT LIFE...

SAMMY
ITS TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT FEELS
RIGHT...

Sammy turns away, looking out at the mirage, trying to figure it all out. Behind him, Emma opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes. She lowers her head and walks away. Emo starts up the Hummer as Emma gets in.

85.

INT. HUMMER EMO Whats he doing? EMMA Hes gonna go be famous. EXT. SANTAS DRIVEWAY Making up his mind, Sammy spins around with a smile, only to find a clearly disappointed Emo. EMO What are you doing, man? SAMMY Like youd understand. EMO Dude, I dont know what I did, or what you think I did butSAMMY He picked you. EMO What? Who picked me? SAMMY Elmore Fumbledrum was going to hand the factory over to you. To you. (disbelieving headshake) Ive spent so much time entertaining and working andEMO Why didnt you tell me? SAMMY What? Oh, come on. He picked you. Thats all that matters. Isnt it obvious that I was never meant to be anything in that town? So go back to town and get your factory. Let me go my own way. EMO Youre unbelievable. All this; Not going to the cops. Saving Santa. Saving Christmas...

EMO(cont'd) Its all about you wanting to be noticed. Wanting to be the hero.
SAMMY Wait a minute, itsEMO Im not the one who was framed for kidnapping! Im not the one the cops are after! Yet here I am, standing next to you. Next to someone whos been trying to screw me over the whole time! SAMMY Emo... EMO I dont even want the job! Heck, I woulda given it to you. In my opinion, its not worth losing my best friend over... (re: Santa) You always want to be the guy next to The Guy. Whats so wrong with being yourself? Sammy watches Emo walk away, resigned to seeing him go.

86.

Sammy catches a hurt glance from Emma in the sideview mirror of the Hummer as Emo gets in and they drive away. INT. HUMMER - CONTINUOUS Speeding toward town. Sammy disappearing in the rearview. Emo hammers the gas pedal into the floor like its Sammys face. Emma stares at the dash, an odd, sad look on her face. INT. SANTAS SLEIGH - AIRBORNE - MINUTES LATER Sammy wears the same sad expression as clouds whip by. Texting on his Blackberry, Santa looks up every so often to check the traffic. He notices Sammy brooding and yellsSANTA CLAUS YOU OK, OVER THERE?! YOURE NOT GONNA HURL ARE YOU?!

87. SAMMY Im fine. Just thinkinSANTA CLAUS WHAT!? SAMMY I SAID IM FINE! SANTA CLAUS YOURE NOT WORRIED ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS ARE YOU?! YOURE WITH ME NOW?! FRIENDS ARE OVER-RATED! JUST LOOK AT ME, I DONT HAVE ANY FRIENDS AND IM THE SECOND MOST RECOGNIZABLE PERSON IN THE WORLD! (aside) Stupid Oprah... (beat) PEOPLE DONT HAVE TO BE YOUR FRIENDS TO ADORE YOU! Sammy wants to agree, to understand, but doesnt. He stares at Santa, noticing something caked under Santas eyes. SAMMY ARE YOU WEARING MAKEUP?! SANTA CLAUS (pretending not to hear) WHAT?! I DIDNT CATCH THAT! Sammy just stares. SANTA CLAUS (contd) ITS A BRONZER, OKAY! I DONT LIKE LOOKING ALL WASHED OUT ON THE NIGHT I HAVE TO MAKE TWO AND HALF MILLION PERSONAL APPEARANCES! Yikes... Sammys eyes bug out. Then he sees the tail lights of the Hummer in the distance, getting smaller and smaller. SANTA CLAUS (contd) CRAZY, RIGHT? ONCE YOU REACH A CERTAIN HEIGHT, ALL THE LITTLE THINGS JUST FADE AWAY... ITS REALLY LIBERATING! Sammy looks off the side again - What am I doing???

88. Noticing Sammys distress, Santa pulls the reins, stopping the sleigh in mid-air. The night is silent, as the sleigh simply hovers among the clouds. SAMMY (searching for the words) How come... If you can do this all on your own - how come you use the factory for your toys? SANTA CLAUS Who wants to do everything by themselves? Thatd be awful lonely. I have a job to do. And there are two big side effects of me doing that job: One - Im famous the world over. And two - I cant get close to very many people because of it. I know they go hand in hand, and accept it because what I do is important. (beat) But if I had a choice? If I could go out on a Saturday night instead of staying home working out... You tell me what youd rather have: Good friends or great abs? (beat) Look kid, you seem nice enough. And if this is what you really want, I can make you more famous than you ever dreamed. But you gotta understand: When youre famous, well- Youre famous. Everyone knows who you are, but nobody knows you. A chill rushes over Sammy. He buries his hands in his pockets, trying to warm them, and finds his cell phone. He flips through his prized pictures - Him with Arnold Fumbledrum, oblivious that a pictures even being taken. Him with Jack Frost, wearing a dead look, clearly uncomfortable. Sammy shakes his head in spite of himself, and begins deleting pictures. But stops on a picture of him, Emma and Emo, making pig-noses, looking like normal, goofy friends. INT. HUMMER The clock on the dashboard reads 11:55 as Emo pulls the Hummer to a stop outside the Fumbledrum Toy Factory.

89. Emo and Emma jump from the Hummer and rushEXT. FUMBLEDRUM TOY FACTORY COURTYARD Into the courtyard, into a throng of elves. They pass Anderson Cooler, reporting from the scene. ANDERSON COOLER Wolf, Im here outside the Fumbledrum Toy Factory mere minutes away from Christmas Eve Midnight Madness. Traditionally, the entire town gathers here to watch Santa take off, loaded up with gifts from the factory. This year, however, the mood is somber. There has been no word from the kidnappersEmma and Emo realize that theyre still wanted, and pull the hoods up on their FROSTY IS MY HOMEBOY sweatshirts. ANDERSON COOLER (contd) So it appears we are on the verge of a year without a Santa Claus. Emma and Emo move to the front of the crowd, towards the loading dock. They watch a large clock tower count away the final seconds til midnight, the usually celebratory countdown seeming more like a death sentence. EXT. SANTAS SLEIGH - CONTINUOUS Speeding through the sky. Sammys strapping something on his back. SANTA CLAUS YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS??? Sammy doesnt say anything, he just stares ahead. EXT. FUMBLEDRUM TOY FACTORY COURTYARD Pleading looks from the crowd fall to the loading dock door, hoping for a miracle as the clock strikes... Midnight. EMO (quietly, to Emma) Merry Christmas...

90. BUZZ... The loading dock door begins to slowly lift and the crowd suddenly finds hope. The crowd GASPS as a pair of feet, then dark pants, a suit coat and finally... Arnold Fumbledrum is revealed. Confusion sweeps through the courtyard. Arnold smiles, walks out confidently as the crowd grumbles. ARNOLD Now I know I may not be the man you were all hoping for, but Im the one you have. So heres my suggestion to all of you. (smiles deviously) Go home. Go home and stay home. Your services are no longer needed at this toy factory tonight, tomorrow, or ever. Cries from the crowd - Whats going on? You cant fire us! ARNOLD (contd) Oh, Im afraid I can. He signals into the darkness of the toy factory and Elmore Fumbledrum is led out onto the dock in a straight jacket. ARNOLD (contd) My father is being remanded to the custody of Saint Quixotes Not-SoCriminally-But-Definitely-StillLooney Hospital For the Insane. (beat) Hes been relieved of his duties here at the factory. Just like you. Arnold smiles, enjoying the power, as the crowd grumbles, getting angrier. He produces a remote, punches a few buttonsARNOLD (contd) Before you leave, let me introduce you to your replacements. In the darkness behind him, the red eyes begin to appear, hundreds of them... Finally, an army of ROBOTS roll out onto the loading dock, falling in behind Arnold. ARNOLD (contd) Meet my new automated assembly line.

ARNOLD(cont'd) Ive come up with a way to avoid paying all your salaries while maintaining maximum productivityThe crowd erupts angrily as Arnold smiles. INT. SANTAS SLEIGH

91.

As the clouds part, Christmastown, and the factory come into view, though very small so far below. SANTA CLAUS THIS IS CRAZY!!! SAMMY YOU GO DO YOUR THING. ILL DO MINE. Sammy takes a deep breath, looking over the side. SANTA CLAUS IM NOT SO SURE ABOUT THIS! ITS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF DIE HARD! Sammy considers it, and smiles. SAMMY YIPEE-KAY-YAY, FATHER CHRISTMAS! And with that, Sammy jumps out of the sleigh! EXT. FUMBLEDRUM TOY FACTORY COURTYARD More cries from the crowd - This isnt right! RANDOM ELF #2 Santa Claus will never let youARNOLD Santa Claus... Isnt here. And for those of you expecting a miracle to just fall outta theSAMMY (O.S.) AHHHHHH!!!!!! Sammy parachutes in over the crowd, landing not so gracefully across the loading dock from Arnold, prompting more GASPS. RANDOM ELF #3 Thats the kidnapper!

92. EMMA (throwing back her hood) SAMMY! RANDOM ELF #3 And thats his accomplice! SAMMY Everybody stop! Listen. We didnt kidnap Santa and if I could justARNOLD (quietly, to Sammy) Explain all you want, loser. Fact is, Santas gone and this is myZOOM!!! Santas sleigh comes screaming across the sky, low enough for him to wave to everyone. HOORAY!!! But the cheers slowly die as the sleigh never stops, and slowly disappears in the distance. Hes not coming back??? Arnold pushes a button and the robots move menacingly to edge of the loading dock, causing panic. SAMMY Please just listen to me... (deep breath) Santa doesnt need you. The crowd grumbles. Arnold smirks. SAMMY (contd) He doesn't need you or me or any of us. He's gonna go out there tonight and deliver presents just like he always has and what we do here wont make a difference to the rest of the world. (eyes lock on Emma) But I need you. We need each other. If you love... (back to everyone) -this town as much as I do, then stay here with me and stand up for it. If we turn and run tonight, it's over. He wins. We lose; Our town. Our way of life. (beat) If we turn and run... It's the end of our world as we know it.

93. Hearing Sammys words, Emo gets an idea. He runs toward the factory, dodging Snark and Foil with a nifty move. Watching Emo disappear, Arnold grins at Sammy. ARNOLD Even your friends are bailing on you. So whats the plan, hero? Do something funny. Something cute. Sing one of your stupid songs. Sammy opens his mouth but nothing comes and right as it seems hes about to crack... Emo emerges from the toy factory with his guitar and amp. EMO Listen to me! Sammys right. If we leave now, then maybe its not the end of the world but its the end of our world. RANDOM ELF #4 What are you saying? Emo looks at the crowd, all staring, and shrinks a little... SAMMY (aside to Emo) You dont have to do this. EMO (pats Sammys shoulder) And you dont always have to sing lead... I got this one, bud. Emo take a deep breath, faces the crowd, and launches into R.E.M.s Its The End Of The World As We Know It. EMO (contd)
THATS RIGHT, IT STARTS WITH A SMALL CHANGE. NOT SO STRANGE, BUT LISTEN PLEASE. CUZ I FOR ONE AM QUITE AFRAID! CHRISTMAS IS AN INVITATION. JOIN IN THE CELEBRATION, OF THINGS THAT YOU CANT SELL, LIKE DRUMMER BOYS AND JINGLE BELLS. KICK IT OFF WITH EGG NOG GATHER ROUND THE YULE LOG. WE REVEL AND WE CAROL, AND WE SING OUR FAVORITE SONGS!

94. The crowd is enamored with Emo... EMO (contd)

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS, WE THREE KINGS AND FIVE GOLD RINGS, AND ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY TWO FRONT TEETH! OR A HIPPOPOTAMUS, YOU SIMPLY CANNOT QUIET US, BY WRITING A CHECK.

The crowd roars in approval! EMO (contd)

HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS! ON THE ROOFTOP REINDEER PAWS! DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?
FINE, THEN...

THE SEASON MEANS MANGER SCENES, ITS CHRISTMASTIME IN HOLLIS QUEENS! SO, SAVE YOURSELF, LOSE YOURSELF! PARTY WITH KING WENESLAUS, MOMMYS KISSIN SANTA CLAUS, GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER AND RUDOLPHS NOWHERE IN SIGHT! WELL DECK THE HALLS WITH CHRISTMAS
BALLS,

HANG OUR STOCKINGS ON THE WALL, AND CRY O! HOLY! NIGHT!

The crowd is loving it as Emo goes into the chorus. EMO (contd)
ITS THE END OF OUR WORLD AS WE KNOW IT! ITS THE END OF OUR WORLD AS WE KNOW IT! ITS THE END OF OUR WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!

The angry crowd glares at Arnold. ARNOLD

And I feel fine

Thats it. Everyone grabs whatever they can - sticks, rocks, snowballs - and the crowd rushes the platform. Arnold pushes a button and the robots rush towards the crowd. And its on. A full scale robots vs. elves battle royal!

95. EMO
LET IT SNOW! SILENT NIGHT! I DONT WANNA FIGHT TONIGHT! I DONT WANNA BE HERE WHEN, THE WORLD BECOMES YOUR ATM! CASHING IN WITH NO DEFENSE. YOUR LOVE OF GOLD HAS ME INCENSED! WITH CASH AND CARRY CORPORATE MOVES, IT SEEMS TO ME YOU REEK OF SCROOGE! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO SELL A WISH, WALLOWING IN AVARICE! UNDERNEATH YOUR GREED CRUSH, CRUSHED. UH-OH! THIS MEANS, NO MORE CHRISTMAS CHEER, IT CAME UPON A MIDNIGHT CLEAR, OR WALKIN IN AWALKIN IN A WINTER WONDERLAND! YOU SOUND LIKE A FRUITCAKE, AND FRUITCAKE IS THE ONE THING, THAT I CANT STAND!!!

The battle rages on as Arnold starts looking for a way out. EMO (contd)
ITS THE END OF OUR WORLD AS WE KNOW IT! ITS THE END OF OUR WORLD AS WE KNOW IT! ITS THE END OF OUR WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!

After dismantling a robot, Sammy moves up next to Emo. SAMMY

AND THATS NOT FINE!

Sammy scans the melee and sees Arnold sneaking away, pushing his straight-jacketed father inside. Sammy grabs Emma by the arm. SAMMY (contd) Come on! INT. TOY FACTORY LOBBY Sammy and Emma enter the empty lobby, scanning all directions, when... SMASH! The breaking of glass causes them to jump.

96. SAMMY This way! He and Emma rush toward the Wish Room. INT. TOY FACTORY - WISH ROOM - CONTINUOUS Entering the Wish Room they find the casing that once protected the Wish Book is smashed. EMMA Sammy, he took the Wish Book.... She turns, but Sammys already out the door. EMMA (contd) Hey, wait up! INT. STAIRWELL Sammy bounds up the stairs with Emma trailing behind him. EMMA Sammy! Slow down! She stops to catch her breath and finds Elmore tied up in a dark corner. She rushes to his side. ELMORE Untie me, my dear. I have an idea! She unties him and he disappears back into the factory. Emma watches him go, then heads up the stairs after Sammy. EXT. TOY FACTORY - LOADING DOCK As the fight continues, a robot rushes towards Emo. Still playing his guitar, Emo kicks the amp onto its back, plays a power chord, and the bass from the amp reverberates up the roof line, causing snow to slide off an overhang. The snow falls and lands on the robots head. Its circuits begin to fry and then... BOOM! Its head explodes! Emo Now thats what I call a face melter!

97.

EXT. TOY FACTORY - ROOF Sammy bursts through the door and sees Arnold boarding a helicopter, its rotors already spinning. Emma comes through the door and they approach the helicopter. SAMMY Its over, Arnold! Give it up! Arnold looks down at the chaos below. The fight continues but it is clear that the crowd cannot overtake the robots. ARNOLD Id say its far from over. My robots will destroy this whole town if need be. (beat) And now that I have the Wish Book, the entire parenting world will be at my mercy. Ill know what every single one of their brat kids wants and theyll have to pay me. As he speaks, the Wish Book rumbles a little in his hand, and then green and blue flashes of light explode out of it, one after another after another, nonstop. SAMMY I guess you cant put a price tag on wishes, Arnold. They still come true no matter what. Furious, Arnold fires the book into the helicopter. ARNOLD It doesnt matter. You still lose. My robots will tear this townBefore he can finish, one of his robots flies through the air and smashes against the roof. Arnold looks back down to see the Ice Forest Trees rushing to the aid of the crowd, pummelling the robots. EXT. TOY FACTORY - LOADING DOCK Elmore emerges, carrying the box of spare parts. He dumps it out and unleashes a squad of tiny gizmos.

98. EMO What the... CLOSE ON one of the gizmos - labeled: MESS-MAKER 3000 - it zooms towards one of the robots, scales it and systematically dismantles it, destroying it in seconds. Elmore smiles at Emo. ELMORE Every toy has a purpose. The momentum has clearly swung. EXT. TOY FACTORY - ROOF Sammy shakes his head at an incredulous Arnold. SAMMY I always wanted to be famous like you, rich like you...But I realize now that even with all that, I have something you never will... Sammy looks into the crowd, catches a thumbs-up from Emo, then looks at Emma as he speaks. SAMMY (contd) Friends. EXT. FUMBLEDRUM TOY FACTORY COURTYARD Emo turns back to the fight, only to find Snark and Foil bearing down on him. SNARK Youre all alone, Lame-O. FOIL No friends to save you now. But Emo simply smiles, his gaze falling past them. Snark and Foil turn around, and come face to face with the trunks of some angry trees. CAROLINA SAPPHIRE What are yall doing to our buddy? The Fraser brothers ball their branches like fists.

99. DOUGLAS FIR Id say its pummeling time. FRASER FIR Indeed. The two trees grab the goons and fire them across the courtyard, into a dumpster. The trees smile up at Sammy and Emma, watching it all from the edge of the roof. Behind them, Arnold is sneaking into the helicopter, but the Austrian Pine spots him. AUSTRIAN PINE SAMMY! GET TO DA CHOPPA! EXT. TOY FACTORY - ROOF Sammy runs to the helicopter as it readies for take off. SAMMY Arnold. Its over! Just stop! ARNOLD You wish! The helicopter takes off and Sammy has to back away. SAMMY Wish... EMMA Sammy! We cant let himSammy takes both Emmas hands in his as the helicopter grows louder and louder, wind whipping around them. SAMMY Emma, do you trust me? EMMA What? Sammy, ISAMMY DO YOU TRUST ME? EMMA Yes. Without another word, he pulls her to him and kisses her.

100.

INT. HELICOPTER - CONTINUOUS Sitting on the seat next to Arnold, the Wish Book, still giving off little bursts of green light, begins to GLOW RED. ARNOLD WhatThe book starts shaking more and the red glow grows brighter. EXT. TOY FACTORY - LOADING DOCK As the fight on the street continues, Emo looks up to see Sammy and Emma kissing by the edge of the roof. EMO Oh, snap! The ground around him starts to shake. EMO (contd) Hey now... EXT. TOY FACTORY - ROOF Sammy and Emma pull each other closer, eyes closed, as they kiss passionately when all of a sudden... BOOM! The helicopter explodes in a GIANT RED FLASH, the blinding light bringing a halt to the fight on the ground, as all the elves shield their eyes. The energy of the explosion causes the remaining robots to EXPLODE! Sammy and Emma, bathed in warm red light, are the only ones who dont seem to notice. EXT. TOY FACTORY - LOADING DOCK As the light fades, the crowd finds the wreckage of the robots strewn across the streets. The totaled helicopter dangles from a rooftop. Emo and Elmore step out into the street, the police dragging away Snark and Foil behind them. ARNOLD (O.S.) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

101. Arnold, falling out of the sky, lands in the branches of the Scotch Pine. SCOTCH PINE (drops Arnold on his head) ACCH! Away an bile yer heid, ya wee numpty! Arnold tries to get up and run, but The Wish Book, also falling from the sky, lands on his head, knocking him out cold. The police then drag him off. Sammy and Emma emerge from the Toy Factory arm in arm. Emo, Elmore and the Trees all stand smiling back at them. EMO So thats what a red-level wish looks like... Sammy nods. EMMA Two red wishes, actually. She smiles at Sammy and kisses him on the cheek. INT. THE THIRSTY REINDEER - MORNING Sammy, Emma, Emo, Elmore and all the Trees sit in the bar, surrounded by a worshipful crowd. EMO So let me get this straight: We saved Santa. We saved Christmas. Saved our entire town! But the most important thing to you was kissing this chick? Emma nudges her brother playfully, but Sammy is all smiles. SAMMY Shrug. EMO Dude, you are whipped. SWOOSH! A noise rocks the bar and everyone pours out into the street.

102.

EXT. STREETS OF CHRISTMASTOWN Santas sleigh comes wooshing down onto the street, coming to a halt near the gang. Santa emerges victoriously. SANTA CLAUS Another successful Christmas! And I owe it all to you guys! They all look at Santa, still in great shape. Mrs Claus pushes through the crowd. SAMMY Wait a minute... You made all your deliveries? Stopped at every house? SANTA CLAUS (proudly) Yup. MRS CLAUS Oh, and you kept all the weight off! How did you- Wait a minute, did you swing through Beverly Hills for some lipo? SANTA CLAUS (re: Sammy) Nope. I took a cue from this guy. SAMMY I dont follow. SANTA CLAUS I got a little help from my friends. He motions to the reindeer, who are all hunched over, wheezing, huge guts bulging. PRANCER Please... No more cookies! A group of children rush up to sides of the Ice Forest Trees and stop, intimidated. They all stare nervously until a little girl finally musters up the courage. She smiles and puts on ornament on the Carolina Sapphire. CAROLINA SAPPHIRE Well, arent you a darlin!

103. The rest of the children put ornaments on the trees, who cant contain their excitement. NORWAY SPRUCE (thanking a child) Tusen takk. FRASER FIR Oh, I could cry! SCOTCH PINE It is gettin a wee bit dusty in here, innt it? Smiles all around as Sammy hugs Emma. SAMMY See that... Good friends and enjoying the life you live. Thats what Christmas is all about. He and Emma hug as Emo smiles. IGBY Psht. From across the street, Igby and Buttonsworth, the two old men always decorating their homes, chuckle from their roofs. BUTTONSWORTH You think you know what Christmas is all about? SAMMY I just said... Its about friends, and laughter andThe two old men laugh uncontrollably. SAMMY (contd) WHATS SO FUNNY?! IGBY Nothing, kid. Sorry. Its just funny to two old farts like us. You guys are young... Quite obviously the new kids on the block. SAMMY Oh, is that right?

104. BUTTONSWORTH Dont take it personally. Its just... When you get to be our age, youve actually figured out what Christmas is all about. SAMMY Oh? BUTTONSWORTH Oh? IGBY Oh? SAMMY Oh. BUTTONSWORTH & IGBY Oh.... With that, the heavy drumbeat of the New Kids on The Blocks Hanging Tough starts to play, as Igby and Buttonsworth stand on top of their roofs. BUTTONSWORTH & IGBY (contd)
OH, OH, OH, OH, OH! OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!

Everyone watches the old men sing and dance on their roofs. BUTTONSWORTH & IGBY (contd)
OH, OH, OH, OH, OH! OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!

IGBY
LISTEN UP, EVERYBODY OUT IN CHRISTMASTOWN...

BUTTONSWORTH
CUZ IF YOU WANNA KNOW WHATS UP, WERE GONNA LAY IT ALL DOWN!

IGBY
IF YOU WANNA UNDERSTAND WHAT MAKES CHRISTMAS GREAT...

BUTTONSWORTH
THEN GET A LADDER, AND A HAMMER, AND A ROLL OF SCOTCH TAPE!

BUTTONSWORTH(cont'd)
(beat)
CUZ ITS ALL ABOUT...

105.

BUTTONSWORTH & IGBY

HANGIN STUFF! HANGIN STUFF! HANGIN STUFF!

Igby looks at all the decorations on his houses. IGBY

LOOK AT ALL THIS STUFF!

BUTTONSWORTH & IGBY

HANGIN STUFF! HANGIN STUFF! HANGIN STUFF!

BUTTONSWORTH
ITS TOUGH!

The two men crack their backs. Everyone below cheers as the two old men start doing the New Kids Dance, kicking their legs out to the side. BUTTONSWORTH & IGBY
OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!

Santa Claus joins in, with the Trees dancing behind him. SANTA CLAUS
HO! HO! HO! HO! HO! HO! HO! HO! HO! HO!

(beat)
YOU HANG LIGHTS, ORNAMENTS, AND RIBBONS ON THE TREE.

The Trees are overjoyed as children decorate them. Emo stands next to the front door of a house. EMO (hardcore gangsta-style)
AND IF YOU GOT A FRONT DOOR, THATS WHERE YOU HANG YOUR WREATH!

Igby and Buttonsworths wives open windows and look out at the men impatiently.

106. IGBY
WED LEAVE IT UP ALL YEAR, IF YOUD CUT US SOME SLACK...

BUTTONSWORTH
CUZ BY THE TIME WE TAKE IT DOWN, WE GOTTA PUT IT RIGHT BACK!

The two women stare down their husbands - are you kidding? IGBY
SO WERE ALWAYS...

BUTTONSWORTH & IGBY

HANGIN STUFF! HANGIN STUFF! HANGIN STUFF!

Buttonsworth looks pleadingly at his wife. BUTTONSWORTH

IS THIS STUFF ENOUGH?

His wife shakes her head no to the beat of the song. BUTTONSWORTH & IGBY
HANGIN STUFF! HANGIN STUFF! HANGIN STUFF!

IGBY
THERES SO MUCH!

Sammy, Emo, Emma, Elmore and the crowd sing along. EVERYONE
OH, OH, OH, OH, OH! OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!

A giant dance circle forms in the middle of the street. Emo stands inside the circle, playing a solo on a keytar as everyone dances around him. Santa Claus is the first to bust a move, doing the worm, then pops and locks, and then starts to beat-box. Emma jumps in, doing the running man, sliding on the snow. She pulls Sammy to the middle and he starts to do the robot. Emma stops him quickly.

107. EMMA Maybe no more robots. IGBY

SO IF YOUR WIFE EVER SAYS ITS TIME TO DECORATE...

BUTTONSWORTH
THEN RUN SCREAMING LIKE A BABY, DONT HESITATE! CUZ YOULL GET STUCK-

EVERYONE
HANGIN STUFF! HANGIN STUFF! HANGIN STUFF!

The singing echoes through the streets. FADE TO BLACK. THE END